WEBVTT - “I PAY TO HAVE FRIENDS” 0:00:01.280 --> 0:00:04.640 Hello, Hey there, Hi, Hi. What's your name? Him is 0:00:04.760 --> 0:00:06.960 Jai Jai Ji? 0:00:08.360 --> 0:00:08.559 Yes? 0:00:09.760 --> 0:00:10.280 How old are you? 0:00:10.440 --> 0:00:12.680 Ji? I'm twenty two? 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:16.560 Rock and roll Ji. What's what's going on? How you doing? 0:00:17.360 --> 0:00:20.800 I don't I know, man. I think you saw what 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:24.720 I said in my text message. But over the past 0:00:24.920 --> 0:00:30.440 two years I've lost over forty thousand dollars just from 0:00:32.360 --> 0:00:37.600 wanting to wanting to buy people's affection. I guess because 0:00:37.600 --> 0:00:40.080 I didn't really have a good time making I didn't 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:42.920 really have an opportunity making Brighton's growing up, so I 0:00:43.000 --> 0:00:44.440 thought that was the best possible way to do it. 0:00:44.479 --> 0:00:44.760 I guess. 0:00:45.880 --> 0:00:46.280 Mmmm. 0:00:46.680 --> 0:00:52.680 Okay, so tell me, I guess, go ahead and start 0:00:52.760 --> 0:00:55.800 telling me about this from from whatever angle you want 0:00:55.840 --> 0:00:56.279 to start at. 0:00:58.920 --> 0:01:04.360 Okay. So, two years ago, I had received a trust 0:01:05.120 --> 0:01:09.840 from my grandmother, who I'm pretty sure was like patient 0:01:09.959 --> 0:01:16.040 zero of COVID. That's neither here nor there. Yeah, I 0:01:16.160 --> 0:01:20.360 received the trust of just under one hundred thousand dollars 0:01:20.760 --> 0:01:21.959 that was supposed to be going to. 0:01:22.160 --> 0:01:23.840 School, and. 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:28.960 It didn't. Over forty to fifty thousand dollars of it 0:01:29.080 --> 0:01:34.600 actually went into just fribble as shit and making a 0:01:34.600 --> 0:01:37.120 whole bunch of friends through Tinder, and all bunch of 0:01:37.160 --> 0:01:41.759 friends that I don't know didn't really have the best 0:01:41.800 --> 0:01:45.400 intention for me, and I wanted to keep them around 0:01:45.880 --> 0:01:50.080 by buying them gifts and taking them on strips. And 0:01:52.120 --> 0:01:55.640 now none of those friends are still my friends. So 0:01:56.520 --> 0:01:58.240 I don't really know how much that was worth. 0:02:02.600 --> 0:02:05.880 And how long have you been using trying to use 0:02:06.000 --> 0:02:07.040 money to make friends? 0:02:08.760 --> 0:02:13.520 And I got that money. I had grown up very poor, 0:02:14.440 --> 0:02:16.320 and so the most money that I've ever had to 0:02:16.440 --> 0:02:21.840 myself was the four thousand dollars COVID stimulus check, and 0:02:23.520 --> 0:02:26.040 I didn't really spend that money well either, And so 0:02:26.120 --> 0:02:32.880 when I got this humungo check of seventy three thousand dollars, no, 0:02:33.200 --> 0:02:35.239 it's kind of it's kind of game over, I guess. 0:02:37.480 --> 0:02:41.640 So did you have friends growing up? 0:02:43.400 --> 0:02:47.960 I wasn't really allowed to. I had a dad who 0:02:48.320 --> 0:02:53.639 would basically ostracized me and not allow me to hang 0:02:53.680 --> 0:02:55.600 out with any people that I had anything in contact 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:59.960 or common with, and it put me in a situation 0:03:00.080 --> 0:03:06.240 and where even now I'm way more sociable. But it's 0:03:06.360 --> 0:03:10.960 kind of like, I don't know how to maintain these friendships, 0:03:11.080 --> 0:03:13.639 especially if I don't want to spend money on them. 0:03:13.760 --> 0:03:16.040 Because I know that that's the only way that's kind 0:03:16.080 --> 0:03:17.200 of worked in the past. 0:03:19.120 --> 0:03:21.840 Hmm. Do you do you still keep in touch with 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:24.079 your dad? Do you do you know why he did that? 0:03:26.480 --> 0:03:31.000 So, my dad is currently in a hospice for a 0:03:31.760 --> 0:03:38.120 knock sic brain injury. He developed alcoholism and he had 0:03:38.120 --> 0:03:41.800 a massive code problem and he fell into a coomo 0:03:41.880 --> 0:03:44.000 because of it and came out not being able to 0:03:44.040 --> 0:03:47.960 speak or feed himself or talk very well. So I 0:03:48.040 --> 0:03:49.920 can go visit him and ask to try to ask 0:03:50.000 --> 0:03:52.480 him why he did all that, but he probably wouldn't 0:03:52.520 --> 0:03:53.640 be able to give me a good answer. 0:03:54.600 --> 0:03:58.600 So do you at this moment have any friends? At 0:03:58.640 --> 0:04:00.360 this moment, do you have any people who you would 0:04:00.360 --> 0:04:01.200 consider your friend? 0:04:04.760 --> 0:04:10.000 I have a lot of boyfriends, but I I'm I 0:04:10.560 --> 0:04:17.080 seek out Uh, I guess only romantic relationships. I don't 0:04:17.160 --> 0:04:21.800 really speak out. I guess just friendships. I don't really 0:04:21.880 --> 0:04:24.680 know how to do that. Any friends that I did have, 0:04:25.040 --> 0:04:26.440 I don't really do anymore. 0:04:34.400 --> 0:04:34.840 M hmm. 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:39.520 This might be a sensitive question, but and you don't 0:04:39.520 --> 0:04:40.800 have to answer if you want. But do you do 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:43.760 you like like in the same way that you feel 0:04:43.880 --> 0:04:45.640 like you know you can only get people to be 0:04:45.720 --> 0:04:47.440 friends with you if you pay them. Do you do 0:04:47.480 --> 0:04:48.559 you feel that way about sex? 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:59.080 No, not particularly. I wouldn't say so. I kind of 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:03.040 just do it because I can and I know that 0:05:03.080 --> 0:05:03.520 it's easy. 0:05:04.360 --> 0:05:04.680 Okay. 0:05:07.839 --> 0:05:08.239 Mmmm. 0:05:08.839 --> 0:05:10.200 Why do you feel like you have an easier time 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:11.599 with that than with making friends? 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:20.840 Because it's way more I guess mutually beneficial. I don't know, 0:05:21.040 --> 0:05:28.280 Like I it's just easier to talk people into wanting 0:05:28.400 --> 0:05:32.080 to do this with me instead of, you know, carrying 0:05:32.160 --> 0:05:36.960 out a whole long term friendship where we're just kind 0:05:36.960 --> 0:05:39.080 of talking to each other and nothing's really happening. That's 0:05:39.120 --> 0:05:40.280 just the way that works in my mind. I know 0:05:40.360 --> 0:05:43.960 that's not like realistically healthy, but like that's just how 0:05:44.000 --> 0:05:48.000 it's been because I've only been shown that, you know. 0:05:48.839 --> 0:05:51.640 Mm hmmmm. All right, So you have a lot of boyfriends, 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:54.480 but no like actual friends, and you're you said you're 0:05:54.480 --> 0:05:58.600 twenty two? Yes, Uh, what do you do? Are you 0:05:58.720 --> 0:06:00.160 in school or you door? 0:06:02.200 --> 0:06:07.800 I was in school. I lost my job right before Christmas, 0:06:09.120 --> 0:06:14.840 and I actually recently just moved skates to escape from 0:06:14.880 --> 0:06:18.840 a pretty pretty bad relationship. So I'm kind of just 0:06:19.640 --> 0:06:21.440 lingering in a new state right now. 0:06:23.000 --> 0:06:24.960 Oh, so you're in a new state, and do you 0:06:25.240 --> 0:06:27.040 do you know anybody in this state? Do you have 0:06:27.080 --> 0:06:30.080 any family there? Or are you totally alone? 0:06:31.360 --> 0:06:35.520 I'm staying with family the place where I was living previously, 0:06:35.720 --> 0:06:37.320 I didn't know anyone there, so I guess it's a 0:06:37.360 --> 0:06:38.440 little bit of a better situation. 0:06:39.360 --> 0:06:48.240 Mm hmmmmmmm. So I mean, why do you feel like 0:06:48.800 --> 0:06:51.799 you can only make friends by giving them money? 0:06:54.120 --> 0:06:57.920 Because I, like, I know real estate that I'm I 0:06:58.000 --> 0:07:00.200 don't want to sound like vain, but I know I'm 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:04.520 a really cool person, Like any single time where I 0:07:04.600 --> 0:07:07.560 go out to an event, everyone shouldnd to me. But 0:07:07.720 --> 0:07:11.000 I think it's the thing where just based on my 0:07:11.080 --> 0:07:16.960 development and based on an autism diagnosis, where I feel 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:24.080 like I cannot maintain these genuine, like non transactional relationships. 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:26.640 I feel like I have to as soon as I 0:07:26.800 --> 0:07:28.280 become friends with someone, I have to give them a 0:07:28.320 --> 0:07:30.400 gift just to validate, oh, this is how much I 0:07:30.440 --> 0:07:32.840 appreciate you. And then when I never return and get 0:07:32.880 --> 0:07:35.240 that in return, it's like maybe I need to give 0:07:35.240 --> 0:07:38.480 them another gifts just so they know really how much 0:07:38.520 --> 0:07:42.800 I appreciate them, And then it just it's I don't 0:07:43.000 --> 0:07:44.880 I don't really get the logic behind it. It's just 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:51.239 how it works in my head and obviously not working. 0:07:52.240 --> 0:07:58.000 So you're initiating giving these people money very early on 0:07:58.200 --> 0:08:00.000 in the relationship. You're giving these gifts. 0:08:01.400 --> 0:08:07.239 I guess, yeah, like maybe maybe like two to three 0:08:07.440 --> 0:08:12.640 weeks after we first become friends. Especially with people that 0:08:12.720 --> 0:08:16.680 I'm dating, it's immediate I'll start getting them gifts. 0:08:17.200 --> 0:08:18.840 I was going to ask, does this carry is this 0:08:19.000 --> 0:08:21.760 does this activity carry over into like all these boyfriends 0:08:21.840 --> 0:08:22.559 that you're talking about. 0:08:22.920 --> 0:08:26.760 Oh, absolutely absolutely. I've probably the majority of the money 0:08:26.800 --> 0:08:29.280 that I've spent has been on boyfriends. 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:30.840 Hm. Hm. 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:35.120 And you know I asked her already, but I'll ask 0:08:35.200 --> 0:08:37.880 you again and maybe we can like examine it a 0:08:37.960 --> 0:08:43.800 bit deeper. But like, why do you think you need 0:08:43.880 --> 0:08:44.320 to do this. 0:08:48.280 --> 0:08:51.400 Just for the sake of I guess, not being alone. 0:08:51.840 --> 0:08:55.360 I don't know, Like like right now, I was just 0:08:55.640 --> 0:08:59.120 hopping on your screen because I've been just sitting in 0:08:59.320 --> 0:09:02.839 my apartment for the past like five days, just like 0:09:03.200 --> 0:09:06.400 wanting someone to talk to without having to reach out 0:09:06.440 --> 0:09:08.760 to them first, or you know, just have them and 0:09:08.880 --> 0:09:12.120 be like, hey, you know done thinking about you. That 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:16.760 hasn't happened. And so I feel like I have to 0:09:17.240 --> 0:09:20.439 just I have to give people reasons to want to 0:09:20.480 --> 0:09:29.079 talk to me, which isn't too cool, motherfucker. I just 0:09:29.160 --> 0:09:30.839 I just want people to hang out with me without 0:09:30.960 --> 0:09:32.040 having to ask for it first. 0:09:32.840 --> 0:09:37.240 Mmm. So, so there's a lot of I want to 0:09:37.280 --> 0:09:40.120 talk about that whole thing, but but I guess i'd 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:43.040 focus for now on like the money thing. Like, do 0:09:43.120 --> 0:09:47.319 you do you have a specific example of a relationship. 0:09:48.000 --> 0:09:50.920 Let's start with platonically, do you have a specific like 0:09:50.960 --> 0:09:53.599 tell me tell me about the last friendship that you 0:09:53.720 --> 0:09:59.520 got into, that you you started to that you know 0:09:59.720 --> 0:10:02.040 was going going well, and because it was going well, 0:10:02.160 --> 0:10:04.000 you started to feel like, oh I need to buy 0:10:04.080 --> 0:10:06.559 them stuff, Like tell me about a specific one, like 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:07.199 the last time. 0:10:08.480 --> 0:10:08.680 Yeah. 0:10:08.920 --> 0:10:12.439 So it was when I had first moved to Houston. 0:10:12.600 --> 0:10:15.360 That was a place that I just moved from, and 0:10:15.480 --> 0:10:20.480 I had this really really close friend that I originally 0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:25.120 met online and then we started talking more in person 0:10:25.200 --> 0:10:28.240 and we just became best friends. We hung out every 0:10:28.320 --> 0:10:32.520 single day, and I had saved them from a whole 0:10:32.559 --> 0:10:36.040 bunch of really bad situations considering their mental health whatever. 0:10:37.679 --> 0:10:40.920 But one day I decided that I wanted to make 0:10:40.960 --> 0:10:43.240 a road trip to Austin, which is like a three 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:47.960 hour drive, and I was like, you know, I usually 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:51.880 go alone on road trips, but I asked my friend 0:10:51.880 --> 0:10:54.360 if they wanted to come, and that was kind of 0:10:54.400 --> 0:10:57.559 a big deal because I usually never invite people out 0:10:57.559 --> 0:11:00.320 on trips like that. And there's you know, my post 0:11:00.360 --> 0:11:03.760 a friend went up and I had to come along. 0:11:04.920 --> 0:11:10.360 I buy essentially every single every single thing on the trip. 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:13.520 I got food, I get any toilet trees that they needed. 0:11:13.600 --> 0:11:17.840 I bought the Airbnb, I bought the tickets for all 0:11:18.160 --> 0:11:22.599 of the events that we went to. And when I 0:11:22.720 --> 0:11:26.079 asked them, I was like, you know, why did you 0:11:26.280 --> 0:11:28.319 decide to come with me if you don't really have 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:32.760 any money to do anything with And they were like, 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:36.400 I mean, honestly, i've been to Austin in a while. 0:11:36.480 --> 0:11:37.880 You're just kind of give me a free ride to 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:40.720 Austin and I just wanted to take it. I'm like, Damn, 0:11:41.200 --> 0:11:43.559 that sucks. You didn't even want to gome to like 0:11:43.640 --> 0:11:46.199 experiences with me. You just wanted to like come and 0:11:46.280 --> 0:11:49.800 just fuck off, Like I'm just kind of here like 0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:51.280 like a free carpool. 0:11:51.480 --> 0:11:51.840 I guess. 0:11:54.440 --> 0:11:57.160 So, yeah. I had bought them so many gifts on 0:11:57.240 --> 0:12:02.440 that trip. I had probably bought like, maybe over five 0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:04.520 hundred dollars with this stuff just on that trip. And 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:06.360 the trip is only like a day. It was a 0:12:06.640 --> 0:12:11.240 it was a six hour round trip. But yeah, that 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:13.320 was the one that ends out most in my mind. 0:12:13.400 --> 0:12:19.400 That was probably the first instance. And yeah, mm hm. 0:12:21.040 --> 0:12:21.439 Hm hmm. 0:12:22.880 --> 0:12:24.960 And this is something that's happened to you a few times. 0:12:26.840 --> 0:12:34.480 Yeah, mm hmmm. No, I was gonna say, I was. 0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:36.760 I know that I'm just getting myself into these situations 0:12:36.920 --> 0:12:41.839 because I tend to hang out with pretty pretty much 0:12:41.880 --> 0:12:45.199 the same kind of people. But those are just the 0:12:45.320 --> 0:12:46.160 kind of people that I like. 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:50.800 So tell when when you when you tell me, tell 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:53.199 me what do you mean by those kinds of people? 0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:53.679 What are the what? 0:12:53.840 --> 0:12:55.079 Who are those kinds of people? 0:12:56.720 --> 0:12:58.959 I hang out at a lot of punk clubs. I 0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:03.320 hang out at a lot of a lot of music 0:13:03.440 --> 0:13:07.319 venue is comedy clubs. I was friends with a lot 0:13:07.360 --> 0:13:12.120 of comedians And the nice thing about hanging out with 0:13:12.160 --> 0:13:14.160 a lot of comedians is that they always need coke, 0:13:14.480 --> 0:13:16.000 and so I would always be the one who bade 0:13:16.040 --> 0:13:20.080 them coke, just so I couldn't want them to fill 0:13:20.120 --> 0:13:20.600 on their set. 0:13:20.840 --> 0:13:21.000 You know. 0:13:21.240 --> 0:13:26.240 That's kind of fucked up. But yeah, that's just generally 0:13:26.280 --> 0:13:28.520 people who have issues already. 0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:30.959 Let me ask you this before we keep going. Do 0:13:31.040 --> 0:13:32.120 you have a real therapist? 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:35.400 I just wanted to talk to you. 0:13:36.400 --> 0:13:38.400 What do they say about this? 0:13:40.880 --> 0:13:43.719 They kind of tell me what I'm already kind of 0:13:44.320 --> 0:13:47.200 explaining out loud to myself. I know that I'm getting 0:13:47.240 --> 0:13:51.480 myself into these situations and I shouldn't. If it's a 0:13:51.720 --> 0:13:54.439 if it's a friendship that's purely transactional, it's not a 0:13:54.480 --> 0:13:58.319 real friendship. And you know, I totally, I totally understand that. 0:13:58.559 --> 0:14:03.400 But I would rather lose a shit ton of money 0:14:03.520 --> 0:14:05.199 than not be able to talk to people. 0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:07.719 So I don't know. 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:10.280 It's it's it's working, but it's not really doing what 0:14:10.360 --> 0:14:10.800 he needs to do. 0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:15.559 So I mean I have I have some thoughts on this. 0:14:15.679 --> 0:14:17.599 If if if they if it would be helpful to you? 0:14:19.160 --> 0:14:19.400 Sure? 0:14:20.120 --> 0:14:24.600 So, I mean your therapist is is right, Like obviously 0:14:25.000 --> 0:14:29.280 you know the way that you're going about doing this 0:14:29.960 --> 0:14:34.880 is not is not great. So I would I would 0:14:35.000 --> 0:14:40.240 think about all of this stuff differently, because like you're 0:14:40.360 --> 0:14:43.040 lonely and you want to be around more people and 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:46.720 you want to have positive relationships, Like every human being 0:14:46.800 --> 0:14:53.120 on the fucking planet Earth, right, And you're going about 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:56.720 it by being like, well, okay, what is within my 0:14:57.600 --> 0:15:04.080 ability to make friends? Which is a great which is 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:08.280 a phenomenal way to think about that problem. You're just 0:15:08.520 --> 0:15:12.480 answering that question in a fucked up way. You're answering 0:15:12.560 --> 0:15:15.400 that question by going, you know what I can do. 0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:17.960 I can buy people things and I can spend a 0:15:18.000 --> 0:15:20.000 bunch of money on them, and I could take them 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:22.280 to trips, and I can do this, and I can 0:15:22.360 --> 0:15:25.560 do that. And the way in which you're answering that 0:15:25.680 --> 0:15:28.400 question just continues to fuck you over time and time again. 0:15:28.640 --> 0:15:32.280 And you're smart and you and you know that, so 0:15:32.400 --> 0:15:35.320 I would I guess if I were you, And I'm 0:15:35.480 --> 0:15:37.920 I'm really thinking about your situation because it's an interesting 0:15:38.000 --> 0:15:40.720 one and one that you know, I've strugg we all 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:44.880 struggle with with loneliness and wanting to take it into 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:46.400 our own hands and fixing it. 0:15:47.240 --> 0:15:50.760 Sorry, can I ask in what way is it interesting? 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:56.040 Like how? I don't know. Obviously I haven't been in 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:59.840 any other position other than mine, but like I would 0:16:00.000 --> 0:16:04.200 think that people kind of generally do the same thing. 0:16:05.240 --> 0:16:09.240 I don't know, Well, when you well, people people kind 0:16:09.240 --> 0:16:11.160 of generally do the same thing in the sense that 0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:15.200 people have the people kind of generally always have. People 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:17.200 have those same desires that you have. They want to 0:16:17.480 --> 0:16:19.960 have friends, and they want to feel loved and they 0:16:20.000 --> 0:16:21.200 want to feel appreciated. 0:16:23.640 --> 0:16:28.160 Okay, sure I got that, But I guess. 0:16:28.320 --> 0:16:30.640 I guess in answering the question again and tell me 0:16:30.680 --> 0:16:32.960 if any of this resonates with you, But in answering 0:16:33.040 --> 0:16:37.560 the question of what is within my power to get 0:16:38.120 --> 0:16:43.640 to the point where I'm having better social interactions, I 0:16:43.680 --> 0:16:48.560 would answer that question differently, and I would go, well, 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:51.520 what is what's cool about me? Like, you know, I 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:56.120 go to these punk shows, and I have this mobility 0:16:56.480 --> 0:16:58.200 to go up and start talking. I go to these 0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:00.600 comedy shows, I go out, I leave my house. 0:17:00.800 --> 0:17:01.280 I have the. 0:17:01.360 --> 0:17:05.520 Ability to go up to people and strike up a conversation. 0:17:06.000 --> 0:17:08.720 And I have the ability to show interest to other people. 0:17:09.240 --> 0:17:12.840 And I'm funny and I'm cool, and I'm presenting the 0:17:12.960 --> 0:17:18.119 best sides of myself and I'm you know, being attentive 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:21.560 to people, and I'm putting myself out there. And actually 0:17:21.600 --> 0:17:23.440 I like a lot of what you're doing, Like like 0:17:23.720 --> 0:17:27.200 you're you're solving your problem by putting yourself out there. 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:30.560 You know, it only becomes a problem when you start 0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:33.280 to like overextend to this point where you feel like 0:17:33.960 --> 0:17:36.720 that's not enough, and so you have to throw in 0:17:37.400 --> 0:17:40.800 money and gifts and whatnot. And I guess I you know, 0:17:40.960 --> 0:17:43.720 I'm not a real therapist. I'm just speeling here, but 0:17:44.040 --> 0:17:46.399 I guess it seems like it all comes back to 0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:49.760 this thing of like, how do you feel like you're enough? 0:17:50.880 --> 0:17:51.000 Uh? 0:17:51.119 --> 0:17:54.800 And that's a that's a crazy journey of building your 0:17:54.840 --> 0:17:58.040 self esteem to get yourself to a point where you're like, oh, 0:17:58.160 --> 0:18:02.480 I'm enough. I don't need to buy people coke to 0:18:02.600 --> 0:18:04.840 get them to like me. And by the way, you 0:18:04.960 --> 0:18:07.560 have and on this on this phone call, you expressed 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:09.800 this to be you. You said it you you have 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:12.760 it in you. You said, I know I'm a cool person. 0:18:12.920 --> 0:18:14.720 I know I'm fun to be around, like you have, 0:18:14.880 --> 0:18:15.480 you have it in you. 0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:19.040 That's the thing. That's the thing though, is that like, yes, 0:18:19.200 --> 0:18:21.960 I am absolutely cool with going out to an event 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:25.280 and talking to people, but most of the most of 0:18:25.320 --> 0:18:27.399 the time when I do that, I'm drunk. I'm fucking 0:18:27.480 --> 0:18:29.240 ship based. I don't know how to talk to people 0:18:30.040 --> 0:18:32.000 on like just a base to base level? Like what 0:18:32.119 --> 0:18:33.920 am I supposed to talk about? Like I know that 0:18:33.960 --> 0:18:35.600 we're at an event, like you could just kind of 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:37.840 talk about the event, but like outside of that, what 0:18:38.359 --> 0:18:40.520 what the book? Like? All I really know is like 0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:42.560 someone asking me if I want to go do a 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:46.520 bump in the bathroom. We're gonna talk about. 0:18:46.359 --> 0:18:48.560 That, Okay, Jiji, I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you this. 0:18:48.680 --> 0:18:50.920 I really, I swear to God if you take anything 0:18:50.920 --> 0:18:53.119 away from this conversation. And I mean this, I'm not 0:18:53.160 --> 0:18:56.520 saying this to like be cute. I I mean this, JII. 0:18:57.200 --> 0:18:59.879 If you can do these things while you're fucked up, 0:19:00.640 --> 0:19:04.080 if you can be confident and strike up conversations with 0:19:04.240 --> 0:19:07.879 folks and feel yourself and whatnot while you're fucked up, 0:19:08.240 --> 0:19:11.080 I swear to God you can do it sober and 0:19:11.480 --> 0:19:16.800 I don't. And you're gonna have to try and succeed 0:19:17.160 --> 0:19:20.120 for you to believe that you can. But I really, 0:19:20.240 --> 0:19:23.560 I mean that I think you can. Have you ever tried. 0:19:23.560 --> 0:19:25.480 Have you ever tried going out and not drinking but 0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:29.600 still summoning the confidence that is that is within you? Okay, 0:19:29.640 --> 0:19:32.720 It's not the alcohol that gave you that confidence. That's 0:19:32.800 --> 0:19:35.280 part of who you are as a person. You're an extrovert, 0:19:35.600 --> 0:19:38.119 you know how to talk to people. Have you tried 0:19:38.480 --> 0:19:40.560 summoning those things without getting sucked up? 0:19:41.920 --> 0:19:45.920 Yeah, for sure, I've tried it. I'm currently on like 0:19:46.000 --> 0:19:47.280 a sober journey right now. 0:19:47.720 --> 0:19:48.000 Okay. 0:19:49.040 --> 0:19:52.800 But the thing is is that like when I go 0:19:52.960 --> 0:19:55.200 out to an event and I'm like, Okay, I'm not 0:19:55.240 --> 0:19:58.320 going to drink anything for a couple of hours, and 0:19:58.359 --> 0:20:01.040 then I get super nervous and I get so anxious, 0:20:01.080 --> 0:20:02.960 and I'm like, I just think it's like one beer, 0:20:03.440 --> 0:20:05.359 like just chill out, just like a little bit, and 0:20:05.400 --> 0:20:07.639 then it turns into like two lemon drops and then 0:20:07.680 --> 0:20:08.440 green tea shops. 0:20:08.560 --> 0:20:15.359 So concerning, Well, look, I mean, first of all, continue 0:20:15.400 --> 0:20:17.320 going to see your what does your does your therapist 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:20.159 say anything else? Because I have more thoughts about this, 0:20:20.280 --> 0:20:23.080 But I'm curious what legitimate mental health professionals have to 0:20:23.119 --> 0:20:24.160 say about your situation. 0:20:25.680 --> 0:20:27.680 I mean, they kind of just think it resonates from 0:20:27.960 --> 0:20:32.479 not being able to do all that fundamental shit growing up, 0:20:32.840 --> 0:20:34.520 just being able to know how to talk to people 0:20:34.640 --> 0:20:35.439 just in school. 0:20:37.520 --> 0:20:38.480 But like. 0:20:40.600 --> 0:20:43.719 She always tells me that I'm doing way better than 0:20:44.359 --> 0:20:46.920 probably anyone else would be doing in my situation because 0:20:46.920 --> 0:20:50.359 I'm actually making the stops to actually be able to 0:20:50.440 --> 0:20:53.159 fix it instead of being like, oh what was me? Like, 0:20:53.320 --> 0:20:57.520 you know right, but I don't know, Like it's still 0:20:57.800 --> 0:21:01.040 like I'll get into really high phases where it's like 0:21:01.160 --> 0:21:03.000 it's so easy just to go out and be like, 0:21:03.400 --> 0:21:06.399 you know, this is nothing, and then to start doing 0:21:06.440 --> 0:21:09.520 it for a while like that anxiety just starts hitting 0:21:09.560 --> 0:21:12.560 me again, and I'm like, I don't know if I 0:21:12.640 --> 0:21:14.520 don't know if I'm really presenting what I want to present, 0:21:14.600 --> 0:21:16.880 and I just kind of regress and I just kind 0:21:16.880 --> 0:21:19.639 of stay inside and don't want to do any of 0:21:19.680 --> 0:21:20.400 that shit anymore. 0:21:20.720 --> 0:21:23.600 Yeah, by the way, I fully agree. By the way, 0:21:23.600 --> 0:21:29.320 I agree heavily with your your therapist right because I'm 0:21:29.320 --> 0:21:32.520 not gonna I don't want to play pretend. But I mean, 0:21:32.520 --> 0:21:34.160 I guess that's what I fucking do, is I play 0:21:34.280 --> 0:21:38.560 pretend therapists anyway? You know it from it sounds to 0:21:38.720 --> 0:21:43.399 me like, uh, yeah, you know, you were put in 0:21:43.440 --> 0:21:46.320 a fucked up situation that caused some problems for you, 0:21:47.160 --> 0:21:49.400 and you're like you are you really are doing great. 0:21:49.520 --> 0:21:52.639 I mean, like like that the fact that you're taking 0:21:52.720 --> 0:21:57.399 it upon yourself to go out and make friends, right, 0:21:57.560 --> 0:21:59.520 Like some people they do they just go woe with me, 0:21:59.560 --> 0:22:01.440 and they said at home and they and they just 0:22:01.560 --> 0:22:05.639 won't fucking do it. Like even though like obviously obviously 0:22:05.680 --> 0:22:07.480 it'd be great if you if you did it without 0:22:07.520 --> 0:22:10.520 getting sucked up. But uh, just the fact that you're 0:22:10.600 --> 0:22:13.480 trying and putting effort towards it, I do. I agree 0:22:13.520 --> 0:22:15.439 with her that that you're doing a lot better than 0:22:15.480 --> 0:22:16.840 most people in your situation. 0:22:16.600 --> 0:22:18.879 Would appreciate it. 0:22:23.960 --> 0:22:28.040 So, I mean, all right, so you go out to 0:22:28.160 --> 0:22:30.200 the what okay, tell me this. You've been in the 0:22:30.240 --> 0:22:32.720 hot You you're the kind of person and this is 0:22:32.760 --> 0:22:34.040 the kind This kind of person I want to be 0:22:34.400 --> 0:22:36.399 is someone who can just go out by themselves to 0:22:36.520 --> 0:22:38.840 a thing and start talking to people and making friends. 0:22:39.119 --> 0:22:41.879 You are that kind of person. That's all that you do. 0:22:42.440 --> 0:22:42.879 Why have you? 0:22:43.119 --> 0:22:45.200 Why have you so strange to me? 0:22:45.800 --> 0:22:46.200 Why have you? 0:22:46.800 --> 0:22:48.600 Why have you been at home for five days? What's 0:22:48.680 --> 0:22:50.440 what's keeping you at home for the past five days? 0:22:51.760 --> 0:22:51.920