1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:13,440 Speaker 1: M K. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, 2 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:18,880 Speaker 1: a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all 3 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 1: the small decisions we can make to become the best 4 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:25,919 Speaker 1: possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Hard 5 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:30,720 Speaker 1: and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more 6 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:34,800 Speaker 1: information or to find a therapist in your area, visit 7 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:38,920 Speaker 1: our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While 8 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,640 Speaker 1: I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, 9 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:46,240 Speaker 1: it is not meant to be a substitute for relationship 10 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey y'all, thanks so 11 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:00,160 Speaker 1: much for joining me for such an one eleven of 12 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:03,880 Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. Today we're digging into 13 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:08,720 Speaker 1: co parenting relationships. My line sister, Dr Audrey Tounsil is 14 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:10,720 Speaker 1: back to chat all about the things you need to 15 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:15,280 Speaker 1: consider to effectively co parent. But first, let's show some 16 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:19,960 Speaker 1: love to our spot before for today's episode comes from 17 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:24,039 Speaker 1: Natural Sious. Natural Sious is the world's first vegan, high 18 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:27,520 Speaker 1: performance hair care line that delivers the results of twelve 19 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:31,680 Speaker 1: products and only three. It's designed to reduce time spent 20 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,320 Speaker 1: on hair care and it is proven to save up 21 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:38,279 Speaker 1: to eighty percent of time on wash day. Natural Sious 22 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:41,640 Speaker 1: was founded by innovator Gwen Jamir, who is the first 23 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:45,200 Speaker 1: and only African American woman to hold a patent on 24 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:49,440 Speaker 1: a natural hair care product. These products are great specifically 25 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:53,160 Speaker 1: for busy women with curly and coily hair also known 26 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:58,640 Speaker 1: as for sea hair, and they are all natural, no sulfate, parbine, 27 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 1: mineral oil, petroleum, gluten, and their cruelty free. These have 28 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,840 Speaker 1: become my go through products as I love the way 29 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,760 Speaker 1: they leave my hair to tangled and moisturized and they 30 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 1: have significantly cut down on my wash day process. So 31 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:15,200 Speaker 1: if you want to cut down on the amount of 32 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,799 Speaker 1: products you use and get some time back in your 33 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:21,560 Speaker 1: busy schedule, then I definitely recommend that you try them. 34 00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:24,519 Speaker 1: You can find the Naturalisious products and over twelve d 35 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:28,440 Speaker 1: Sally stores nationwide, or you can buy them online at 36 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:33,360 Speaker 1: Sally Beauty dot com. Use our exclusive promo code five 37 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:37,880 Speaker 1: five five five five five at checkout to save ten 38 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:41,680 Speaker 1: off of your purchase. Now let's get back to the episode. 39 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:46,360 Speaker 1: As a reminder, if you didn't hear Dr rg Tounseil 40 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,560 Speaker 1: on her last visit with us. She earned an undergraduate 41 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,959 Speaker 1: degree in psychology from Xavier University of Louisiana. She went 42 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,560 Speaker 1: on to complete her master's degree in healthcare administration at 43 00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:01,160 Speaker 1: two Lane University and a mass is in Doctor degree 44 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:06,040 Speaker 1: in clinical psychology at Nova Southeastern University in South Florida. 45 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:10,880 Speaker 1: Doctor Tunsel returned to Tennessee in two to become the 46 00:03:10,919 --> 00:03:15,520 Speaker 1: director of Psychology at Western Mental Health Institute. Shortly after, 47 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:19,320 Speaker 1: she began her career with Shelby County Jails as the 48 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:23,320 Speaker 1: director of Mental Health in twenty eleven, overseeing mental health 49 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:29,120 Speaker 1: services provided to be incarcerated throughout Memphis, Tennessee. Inspired by 50 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:34,160 Speaker 1: the obvious lack of psychological resources, doctor Tunsel established Kaelic 51 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 1: Psychological Services to meet the needs of the community and 52 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 1: to continue educating an attempt to reduce the stigma of 53 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:46,080 Speaker 1: mental illness. Doctor Tunsel and I chatted about the different 54 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: possibilities for co parenting relationships, some of the main concerns 55 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,760 Speaker 1: that get in the way of being able to co parent, 56 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:56,480 Speaker 1: how therapy can be helpful in developing a healthy co 57 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:00,760 Speaker 1: parenting relationship, and the importance of making sure you're clear 58 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 1: in your communication with your children about what the co 59 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:08,160 Speaker 1: parenting relationship will look like. If you hear something while 60 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,640 Speaker 1: listening that really resonates with you. Please share with us 61 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,640 Speaker 1: on social media using the hashtag tv G in session. 62 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:19,400 Speaker 1: Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for being back 63 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:23,640 Speaker 1: with us today, Dr Counsel. Thank you for in fining me. Yes, 64 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,000 Speaker 1: I'm very happy to have you back. So, you know, 65 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,120 Speaker 1: people have not listened and they definitely need to go 66 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:31,080 Speaker 1: back and listen to your episode that was all about 67 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,480 Speaker 1: how social media impacts our mental health. We are still 68 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:38,880 Speaker 1: getting comments and emails about that episode, so yeah, so 69 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,840 Speaker 1: definitely that's want to check out if you haven't. But 70 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:45,920 Speaker 1: we want to talk today about co parenting. And you know, 71 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,640 Speaker 1: we've seen more in the news about people and what 72 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 1: they're co parenting relationships look like. So I really wanted 73 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,799 Speaker 1: to dig into this. You know, it was also requested 74 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,720 Speaker 1: by people because this is sometimes a very difficult thing 75 00:04:56,920 --> 00:05:00,960 Speaker 1: for people to navigate. Once a relationship as ended and 76 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,880 Speaker 1: children are involved, you know, it can become difficult. So 77 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:07,080 Speaker 1: I want to first start by hearing, like what kinds 78 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 1: of different types of co parenting arrangements can people try? 79 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,920 Speaker 1: Like what are even the options for cool parenting? Okay, well, 80 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,039 Speaker 1: just self disclosure. I haven't been a co parent for 81 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:20,240 Speaker 1: seven years, and I would say we've had a very 82 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,719 Speaker 1: successful co parenting relationship. And I think we've gone through 83 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:26,000 Speaker 1: a lot of different stages and a lot of different 84 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,600 Speaker 1: styles of co parent and finally found the one that 85 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,360 Speaker 1: works for us and our son. So when we talk 86 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,480 Speaker 1: about the different types of co parents and relationships, there 87 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:38,160 Speaker 1: are typically three common types. The first one is the 88 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:42,080 Speaker 1: high conflict co parent and style, and usually this is 89 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,240 Speaker 1: one that is high an emotions. Of course, the less 90 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:49,320 Speaker 1: a favorable one. The communication is usually often done through 91 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:53,839 Speaker 1: court systems, lawyers, family members, and when the co parents 92 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,520 Speaker 1: have to interact it can become very toxic. And so 93 00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:59,880 Speaker 1: research is shown like this is the co parent and 94 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 1: style where you see mostly of high depression, some learning 95 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,800 Speaker 1: disabilities can have a poor ability to resolve conflict. So 96 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 1: the next one is the parents who use a parallel 97 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:17,440 Speaker 1: coping stiles. So parallel means that they have very minimal contact. 98 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 1: So this is I'm in my house, you're in your house. 99 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 1: We agree to exchange our child, but there's very little 100 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:30,600 Speaker 1: communication on how the child is raised. There's no personal exchanges, 101 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,760 Speaker 1: almost like a business arrangement, and effects on the chower 102 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,600 Speaker 1: a similar to the ones of the high conflict comparing 103 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:40,039 Speaker 1: in style, and we've talked about earlier that the last 104 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 1: one is one of a collaborative co parent and style, 105 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:44,880 Speaker 1: and that's the one that's kind of been in the 106 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:48,240 Speaker 1: media lately about, you know, with Will Smith, j The Pinkett, 107 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,800 Speaker 1: with bes Alicia Keys. This is a type of parents 108 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,960 Speaker 1: style where there is a collaboration and things are talked 109 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:59,040 Speaker 1: through and there is a very open type of communication 110 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,720 Speaker 1: between the parents to anyone else who's involved. And this 111 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,839 Speaker 1: is the type of parents that will re see the 112 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:07,360 Speaker 1: more positive effects on a child. The child is less anxious, 113 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 1: less depressed, they are engaged in social activities, they know 114 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 1: how to resolve conflicts easily, and their communistication styles are 115 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,440 Speaker 1: more productive. Got you, Okay, So I think that that's 116 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 1: great information for us to know. And I'm sure you 117 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 1: know people are thinking, like, of course, ideally you would 118 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:30,240 Speaker 1: want to have this collaborative parenting style, but depending on 119 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 1: whatever the situation was that ended the relationship, you know, 120 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,760 Speaker 1: like there could be lots of reasons why you might 121 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 1: not immediately be able to get to this collaborative police right, 122 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 1: So what are some of the things you think, you 123 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 1: know that you kind of want to think about it. 124 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:46,080 Speaker 1: What kind of work do you want to be doing 125 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,840 Speaker 1: to maybe move towards where you could be in a 126 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,360 Speaker 1: more collaborative place of co parenting. Yeah. One, you have 127 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:57,720 Speaker 1: to always make sure that you compartmentalize your partner's ability 128 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,560 Speaker 1: to be a parent is their ability to be a 129 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:05,760 Speaker 1: partner in the relationship, So once the relationship is resolved, 130 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,720 Speaker 1: you have to deal with that separately from their ability 131 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:12,000 Speaker 1: to be a parent. So really compartmentalizing to a certain 132 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:16,679 Speaker 1: extent your emotions about how the relationship ended and really 133 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: focusing on the child, because now at this point in 134 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,920 Speaker 1: the relationship, the goal is to raise a healthy child 135 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,920 Speaker 1: and not to kind of rehash certain things about the relationship. 136 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 1: But simultaneously you probably need to resolve those issues, whether 137 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 1: that be in therapy, doing some self reflection, and sometimes 138 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 1: I've known couples to comparing and go to therapy together, 139 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,440 Speaker 1: and so that's always upponents, But there has to be 140 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:48,400 Speaker 1: some separation between the ending of the intimate relationship and 141 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:51,040 Speaker 1: the beginning of a co parents in relationship so that 142 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,560 Speaker 1: it can be productive and healthy for the child. Yeah, 143 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:55,200 Speaker 1: and I want to hear a little bit more about 144 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,800 Speaker 1: like what compartmentalizing you know looks like because of course, 145 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,679 Speaker 1: when you're dealing with something like a breakup or a 146 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:04,440 Speaker 1: divorce or you know, something has happened, a lot of 147 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,840 Speaker 1: that bleeds into the rest of your life, right, and 148 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,240 Speaker 1: so what would it even look like to compartmentalize that 149 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,840 Speaker 1: so that you can of course focus on, you know, 150 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:17,240 Speaker 1: the parenting piece. Okay, compartmentalizing is really being able to 151 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:22,200 Speaker 1: separate your personal emotions about the breakup and how you 152 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:25,240 Speaker 1: want to co parent moving forward. So that means that 153 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,520 Speaker 1: you will have to make a conscious effort to separate 154 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:32,520 Speaker 1: your partner in an intimate situation and what works or 155 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,439 Speaker 1: didn't work from their ability to be a co parent. 156 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:40,840 Speaker 1: So basically really resolving or trying to resolve your feelings 157 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,960 Speaker 1: about them and their involvement in the relationship and what 158 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:48,120 Speaker 1: that will look like with them just being apparent. I 159 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:51,520 Speaker 1: advise my clients, um most of my clients to go 160 00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:53,800 Speaker 1: on the State website and print out their States co 161 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,200 Speaker 1: parent and plan. And what that plan does is just 162 00:09:56,320 --> 00:10:00,520 Speaker 1: lays out basically everything that will involve off your co 163 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:04,160 Speaker 1: parent and situation, and that will be how many days 164 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 1: you know each parent will have parent time, who get 165 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,679 Speaker 1: the child on holidays, for all of those things are 166 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,600 Speaker 1: included on that parent plan. I advise that we do 167 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:19,000 Speaker 1: that before emotions get involved. And when that's done and 168 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:22,959 Speaker 1: you want to change after the breakup, then there's a question, 169 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,240 Speaker 1: am I doing this out of the best interests of 170 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,640 Speaker 1: my child? Or am I doing this because I'm having 171 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 1: some emotional response because of breakup? But if the plan 172 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:34,960 Speaker 1: is already established and laid out, there is no question 173 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,560 Speaker 1: as to were we're focusing on the best care for 174 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:42,520 Speaker 1: our child. And so that's really what compartmentalizing looks like, 175 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:45,959 Speaker 1: is you're dealing with your emotions separate and apart from 176 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:47,720 Speaker 1: what it looks like for you to be a co 177 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,400 Speaker 1: parent in in a situation where you're no longer with 178 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:53,680 Speaker 1: the other parent in a relationship. God to you, indri Town. 179 00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: So does every state have this like on their website. 180 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:59,200 Speaker 1: I'm not sure if every state has one, but there 181 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,920 Speaker 1: are templates stuff how to navigate that conversation of developing 182 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 1: what the co parent and relationship will look like moving forward. Okay, 183 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,400 Speaker 1: so even if your state doesn't have a formal one, 184 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,719 Speaker 1: you can just google co parenting templates and it will 185 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:15,280 Speaker 1: give you an idea of what kinds of kinds of topics. Okay, 186 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:20,040 Speaker 1: there's there are tons of templates out there online. Okay, okay, 187 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:23,200 Speaker 1: So you mentioned in town so also that some co 188 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:26,040 Speaker 1: parents will go to therapy to figure out how to 189 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,439 Speaker 1: negotiate this. Can you talk a little bit more about 190 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,360 Speaker 1: like what that might look like to work with the 191 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:35,079 Speaker 1: therapist to effectively co parents. Absolutely, so. Um. Usually when 192 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:38,280 Speaker 1: I'm working with co parents, I make sure that we 193 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:43,840 Speaker 1: have a clear objective of therapy, so the therapy is 194 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,480 Speaker 1: not for for the goal of therapy is not to 195 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 1: reconcile the relationship or for the parents to get back together. 196 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,720 Speaker 1: If we're there just for co parenting. So I highly 197 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:57,560 Speaker 1: recommend to not muddy the water that there'll be a 198 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:03,280 Speaker 1: decision made early on to stop all intimacy, because that 199 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:07,360 Speaker 1: makes the co parents and relationship very confusing. Of course, 200 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,800 Speaker 1: we kind of get into some things about their feelings 201 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:13,920 Speaker 1: about how the relationship ended. Some sometimes they're the other 202 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:17,200 Speaker 1: parents wants to feel that they are heard or that 203 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,360 Speaker 1: their feelings are validated, and so we try as much 204 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:24,160 Speaker 1: as we can to resolve some of those lingering emotional issues. 205 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,200 Speaker 1: But for the most part, we work on communication and 206 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:31,040 Speaker 1: setting goals for what positive co parents and will look 207 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:34,040 Speaker 1: like as we transition from an intimate relationship to strictly 208 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:37,280 Speaker 1: a co parents and relationship. Now it will be completely 209 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,520 Speaker 1: up to the parents if they want to reconcile their 210 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:42,760 Speaker 1: relationship at the end of therapy. But for me, that's 211 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,800 Speaker 1: not the goal if we're only there just to improve 212 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,480 Speaker 1: the co parents and relationship. God, and I love what 213 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:50,800 Speaker 1: you said about making sure that that is clear from 214 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,199 Speaker 1: the front end, because of course there would be lots 215 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,120 Speaker 1: of confusion if one part of the things we're coming 216 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:56,760 Speaker 1: in to try to like figure out how we're gonna 217 00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,760 Speaker 1: get back together, and the other person understands that we 218 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:03,319 Speaker 1: are really just figuring out how to parent together. Absolutely, 219 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,400 Speaker 1: and that's one of the first questions that I that 220 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,640 Speaker 1: I asked when they arrived, is what are your views 221 00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:11,560 Speaker 1: on while you're here? And I asked them individuals just 222 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:14,040 Speaker 1: to make sure that we're all on the same page. 223 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,600 Speaker 1: And you know, one parent is um not thinking that 224 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,280 Speaker 1: they're there for couple therapy, while the other just strictly 225 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,560 Speaker 1: I'm here to be a better co parent. So that's 226 00:13:22,559 --> 00:13:25,720 Speaker 1: something that we addressed early on in the session, just 227 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,439 Speaker 1: to make sure that we're all on the same page 228 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,760 Speaker 1: and there's no confusion moving forward? Got it? Got it? 229 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,839 Speaker 1: So what are some of the topics where you find 230 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,000 Speaker 1: co parents get stuck? Like, what are some of the 231 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:40,240 Speaker 1: things that kind of keep people having difficulty kind of 232 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:44,040 Speaker 1: moving forward in their co parenting relationships. To be honest 233 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:48,920 Speaker 1: with you, the number one issue that I see is 234 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:54,360 Speaker 1: unforgiveness and hurt about how the relationship ended and feeling 235 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,600 Speaker 1: that they were not heard or their feelings have been 236 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:02,000 Speaker 1: or just generally they've been violated it. So to resolve 237 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:05,080 Speaker 1: those feelings, I think it's best to resolve them individually 238 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,439 Speaker 1: before we start to work on a co parents and 239 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,199 Speaker 1: relationships because usually there's one parent who is more upset 240 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,920 Speaker 1: than the other, and so that's kind of the person 241 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,880 Speaker 1: or the parent that we want to target first so 242 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,560 Speaker 1: that we can resolve some of those emotional hurts that 243 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:22,280 Speaker 1: they have so that we can move forward in a 244 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,640 Speaker 1: positive co parent relationship. Again, the number one issue that 245 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:29,040 Speaker 1: I see is unresolved hurt. And I'm gonna say this 246 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:34,000 Speaker 1: all cases, but generally the mother has an unrealistic expectation 247 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,640 Speaker 1: of what the relationship should be once they have a child. 248 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,800 Speaker 1: And I think it goes back to when we were 249 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:41,920 Speaker 1: little girls that we had. We see, you know, we 250 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,080 Speaker 1: play with Ken and Barbie, and they have a car 251 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,800 Speaker 1: and they you know, they have a house. But sometimes 252 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:50,560 Speaker 1: every relationship doesn't end that way, and so to almost 253 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:54,000 Speaker 1: have the mother and and sometimes the farthest well, but 254 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,920 Speaker 1: generally is most moms never see themselves as single moms 255 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:01,480 Speaker 1: or having to raise a ailes in a situation where 256 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,680 Speaker 1: they co parent. So it's really difficult for some people 257 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:08,320 Speaker 1: to accept the reality that the image that they have 258 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:12,440 Speaker 1: about what their life should be is not the reality 259 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,800 Speaker 1: of what's going on now. And so just having to 260 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 1: resolve their conflict about their image of being a parent 261 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:23,240 Speaker 1: or being in a relationship with the father of their 262 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,280 Speaker 1: child and the reality that there will be in a 263 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:28,680 Speaker 1: co parent relationship is something that that I address often 264 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,840 Speaker 1: in therapy. So those are the most common things that 265 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:37,320 Speaker 1: I encounter in coparent a situation. Okay, got you. Of course, 266 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,000 Speaker 1: you know, a mom and dad is kind of most 267 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,400 Speaker 1: commonly what we hear in terms of co parenting situation 268 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,800 Speaker 1: after a relationship ends. But of course we know families 269 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:50,160 Speaker 1: can look lots of different ways, so cooparient could also 270 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,600 Speaker 1: be you know, partners of the same sex who you know, 271 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,760 Speaker 1: have ended a relationship, they created their families through other 272 00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:00,240 Speaker 1: means besides just a man and a woman. Um, So, 273 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,240 Speaker 1: so are there are things that you think we need 274 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,600 Speaker 1: to pay attention to related to that. I would imagine 275 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,360 Speaker 1: some of it is the same, but there probably are 276 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:10,760 Speaker 1: some unique differences. Now, yeah, really will use the same 277 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:14,880 Speaker 1: tactic because, um, everyone has some feelings about the ending 278 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:17,400 Speaker 1: of a relationship. It doesn't matter if you know your 279 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:21,280 Speaker 1: heterosexual couple or the same sex couple. You still go 280 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:25,560 Speaker 1: through the same grief of a relationship, having unresolved feelings 281 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,320 Speaker 1: about a relationship, and then learning to transition into co 282 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 1: parent and so a lot of the things that are 283 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,800 Speaker 1: pretty much the same, especially when they have you know, 284 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:39,080 Speaker 1: move beyond you know, UM societal to expectations of quote 285 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:43,200 Speaker 1: unquote a typical UM co parent and relationship looks like 286 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,960 Speaker 1: with man versus woman when it becomes the same sex relationships. 287 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,320 Speaker 1: So it's really pretty much, um, the same trends and 288 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,680 Speaker 1: the same things that we will talk about in a 289 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:58,960 Speaker 1: heterosexual couple. Got you, Okay? So I am curious to 290 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:05,400 Speaker 1: hear because I know another hot button topic becomes when um, 291 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:10,280 Speaker 1: one of the parents starts dating again, right, Yes, it 292 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:14,440 Speaker 1: grows a whole new dynamic into the situation. So what 293 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:18,359 Speaker 1: kinds of things, um, what kinds of conversations maybe should 294 00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 1: you be having or how do you even negotiate the 295 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:24,760 Speaker 1: whole topic of dating again when you're co parenting m 296 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:29,760 Speaker 1: I really think that once we've removed ourselves from that 297 00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:34,399 Speaker 1: very tense emotional stage of co parent and we're able 298 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:38,560 Speaker 1: to communicate. I think the reality is that when you 299 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,439 Speaker 1: found your your partner attract if there's a likelihood that 300 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,960 Speaker 1: other people will also in life, those on and everyone 301 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,879 Speaker 1: wants to be in a relationship, So one accepting the 302 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,080 Speaker 1: reality that there that your partner or your ex partner 303 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,840 Speaker 1: will or may move on, I think is key, but 304 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,879 Speaker 1: also communicating what that will look like for the both 305 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,560 Speaker 1: of you. I can tell you just from my experience, 306 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:03,760 Speaker 1: just having to have a conversation about what that would 307 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 1: look like for us, meaning that you know, we probably 308 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 1: won't go to dinner as much as we do now, 309 00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:11,960 Speaker 1: or we probably won't you know, take family photos so 310 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:15,000 Speaker 1: often now. But just respecting the boundaries of the new 311 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,760 Speaker 1: partner I think is really important, and to know what 312 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:20,280 Speaker 1: that will look like for the child. Just going ahead 313 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:24,280 Speaker 1: and having that proactive conversation with your partner and what 314 00:18:24,359 --> 00:18:28,720 Speaker 1: their wishes will be is paramount to moving past the 315 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,960 Speaker 1: difficult conversations of what it will look like when you 316 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,200 Speaker 1: add another co parent into that um and just listening 317 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,159 Speaker 1: to the other co parent. Everyone does not want the 318 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,120 Speaker 1: same thing. There are some situations where they don't want 319 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,800 Speaker 1: to meet the new partners um, but it's really up 320 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:47,359 Speaker 1: to the co parent and that parents being able to 321 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,200 Speaker 1: communicate what their wishes it needs are and have them 322 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:54,240 Speaker 1: respected by everyone. So I think that's really important. But secondly, 323 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,840 Speaker 1: also communicating with the child as to what it means 324 00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:01,160 Speaker 1: to add another comparent to the city situation and making 325 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,359 Speaker 1: sure that they understand that this new relationship does not 326 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:09,040 Speaker 1: eliminate the relationship be established co parents and relationship that's 327 00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:14,040 Speaker 1: already ongoing. But this is just another person that's entering 328 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:17,960 Speaker 1: the situation that also has to respect the boundaries that 329 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,040 Speaker 1: have been set between the co parents. And what are 330 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:24,240 Speaker 1: your suggestions I can counsel for when you even introduce 331 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,879 Speaker 1: a new person to your child, Like, do you have 332 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:30,800 Speaker 1: thoughts about that? Our recommendations just my personal opinion. I 333 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:36,960 Speaker 1: am against parents introducing children to every partner that they 334 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,720 Speaker 1: need that can lead to some confusion as to what 335 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:44,000 Speaker 1: relationships look like moving forward for that child, but also 336 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:47,159 Speaker 1: just wanting to protect the child from a lot of 337 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:51,440 Speaker 1: different energies, a lot of different people, their their beliefs 338 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,320 Speaker 1: and their experiences that I mean, you bring that into 339 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,800 Speaker 1: your child's like when you bring it into yours. So 340 00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:01,080 Speaker 1: I think for me, you know, I recommend and for myself, 341 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:05,160 Speaker 1: if you know that there is um, this is a 342 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:09,800 Speaker 1: very serious relationship. UM. And you've already said if this person, 343 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,320 Speaker 1: you know about this person, you've you've met each other's families, 344 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:17,520 Speaker 1: and you're talking about the next step in life together 345 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:21,000 Speaker 1: as a couple. I think then we start to slowly 346 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:26,760 Speaker 1: integrate introducing the children to your partner. Again, that takes time, 347 00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 1: and you know, and it will take a lot of 348 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,920 Speaker 1: explaining to the child that this partner is not going 349 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:35,960 Speaker 1: to replace your parents. This is just who mommy or 350 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,200 Speaker 1: daddy are choosing to have an intimate relationship with. Got 351 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,800 Speaker 1: you and you already kind of mentioned earlier about you know, 352 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:47,720 Speaker 1: the situation that Will and Jada and Sherry and Swiss 353 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,960 Speaker 1: Beads and Alicia Keys and Mashanda like they seem to 354 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,000 Speaker 1: have at least what they're sharing kind of going a 355 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:57,560 Speaker 1: step even beyond like collaborative co parenting, where like it's 356 00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,320 Speaker 1: you know, everybody is together and we're gonna be keation 357 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,399 Speaker 1: together and all of that kind of thing. Do you 358 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:05,920 Speaker 1: think that that is what couples or co parents should 359 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,800 Speaker 1: be striving to achieve or is that just another way 360 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:12,360 Speaker 1: that the co parenting relationship can look. I think that's 361 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:14,280 Speaker 1: just another way that they can look. I don't think 362 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,879 Speaker 1: that that is for everyone, nor does everyone want that 363 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,119 Speaker 1: type of relationship. So again, it's really up to the 364 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:24,119 Speaker 1: partners as to what they want their relationship to look like. 365 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:28,960 Speaker 1: This is a very individualized choice, and I admire their relationship, 366 00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:32,440 Speaker 1: but I'm not sure that everyone would be able to 367 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:36,000 Speaker 1: maintain or even thrive in that type of situation. And 368 00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:38,679 Speaker 1: if you hear their stories, they will tell you that 369 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:42,120 Speaker 1: it wasn't always that way. It sounds like they started 370 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,960 Speaker 1: off in a high conflict on co parent and situation 371 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 1: and they had to navigate through their emotions for them 372 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,879 Speaker 1: to get to a place where they are now. Again, 373 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:53,720 Speaker 1: it's not instantaneous, but it requires a lot of attention 374 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:58,399 Speaker 1: to your own personal emotions, reflection, working together through you know, 375 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:02,399 Speaker 1: some issues that have been unresolved. But most importantly, I 376 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,960 Speaker 1: think that you know, the key to their situations is 377 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:10,199 Speaker 1: they always keep the children first, UM thriving those situations 378 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,920 Speaker 1: and you know some may not, but that works well 379 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,600 Speaker 1: for them, and you just have to choose what situations 380 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,719 Speaker 1: works best for you. I really appreciate you sharing that 381 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,720 Speaker 1: because I think sometimes you can have an internal sense 382 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,240 Speaker 1: of shame or other people try to shame you for 383 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:30,960 Speaker 1: maybe not having these idealistic ideas or idealistic pictures of 384 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,680 Speaker 1: what a co parenting relationship should be. And I think 385 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,600 Speaker 1: it's okay, like you said, to have the relationship look 386 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:40,680 Speaker 1: like whatever works for your family. Correct, correct, and and 387 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,920 Speaker 1: and one thing, you know, you have to make sure 388 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:47,240 Speaker 1: that you're not listening to either family, friends, or even 389 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,840 Speaker 1: media social media as to what works best for you, 390 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,680 Speaker 1: you know, so you know, again those are all opinions, 391 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:57,000 Speaker 1: but they're not in the situation and they may not 392 00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:01,440 Speaker 1: have the same emotional investment that you have to make 393 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:05,240 Speaker 1: sure that your child is thriving. So just making sure 394 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 1: that if you would like to receive some feedback, that's 395 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:12,679 Speaker 1: that's awesome, but making sure that you don't internalize that 396 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,919 Speaker 1: UM in a way that makes you feel like you 397 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,520 Speaker 1: should be making a different decision than what you know 398 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:22,000 Speaker 1: you've already established as a good co parent a situation 399 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,680 Speaker 1: for yourself. Yeah, and I do think that that brings 400 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:28,800 Speaker 1: up an interesting conversation about how to get your community, 401 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,840 Speaker 1: like your families and friends, Your family members and friends 402 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,800 Speaker 1: kind of brought into the idea of whatever you and 403 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:38,239 Speaker 1: your parents your comparent decide the relationship will look like. 404 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,080 Speaker 1: Are the special considerations or things people should keep in 405 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:42,600 Speaker 1: mind about, like how to get the rest of the 406 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,960 Speaker 1: community on board. Um? Yeah, I think you have to 407 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,040 Speaker 1: set boundaries. As for me, you know, I make it 408 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,720 Speaker 1: very clear when people give me their opinions, I say 409 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,520 Speaker 1: thank you, but that's not what I choose to do 410 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,720 Speaker 1: in this situation. So one, you have to know exactly 411 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,760 Speaker 1: what you want and how you it to look and 412 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:03,480 Speaker 1: communicate that to your partner. Again, this is a co 413 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:07,080 Speaker 1: parent and situation, not a village situation. Um, So just 414 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,359 Speaker 1: making sure that you and your co parent are on 415 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:14,800 Speaker 1: the same page before other people's opinions and feedback start 416 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,919 Speaker 1: to kind of taint that because again they're not privy 417 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:21,320 Speaker 1: to the information that has been disseminated between you and 418 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:24,399 Speaker 1: your co parents, and and most of the time people have, 419 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:28,760 Speaker 1: you know, good intentions, but they're not you. So setting 420 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:32,960 Speaker 1: those boundaries are pretty important. Um and so when someone 421 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:37,880 Speaker 1: starts to kind of comment on your situation, you being 422 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:40,560 Speaker 1: very assertive and saying, you know, thank you, but this 423 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:44,119 Speaker 1: is kind of how we choose to parent our child. 424 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,240 Speaker 1: So are there particular resources that you found really helpful 425 00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:52,119 Speaker 1: for co parents to either read or videos to wich like, 426 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:53,840 Speaker 1: what kinds of things that you think could be helpful 427 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,800 Speaker 1: for somebody navigating a co parent in situation. There's a 428 00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:00,200 Speaker 1: blog called a Single Mother Survival Guide that I find 429 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,920 Speaker 1: and really helpful, some very helpful tips on that blog. 430 00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:06,359 Speaker 1: But as far as books, I really really recommend a 431 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:09,159 Speaker 1: book called co Parenting The Black Girl's Guide to co 432 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:13,240 Speaker 1: Parenting by Azetta Joel. I think this book is very 433 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,840 Speaker 1: well written. It's a very short read, but it gets 434 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,400 Speaker 1: down to the point. Also, we don't want to leave 435 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,399 Speaker 1: out the parents who or the co parent in relationships 436 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,119 Speaker 1: where we have one partner who wants to have a 437 00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:27,320 Speaker 1: positive co parent relationship and then the other partner who 438 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:31,400 Speaker 1: isn't invested that invested in creating that type of relationship, 439 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,919 Speaker 1: and some of those situations do exist um. And so 440 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:37,480 Speaker 1: there is a book called co Parenting with the Toxic 441 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,719 Speaker 1: X that I find somewhat helpful to help the parents 442 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:45,119 Speaker 1: who really want to create a positive relationship to navigate 443 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:48,199 Speaker 1: and really take control of how to manage a co 444 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,880 Speaker 1: parent and relationship when the other parent is not as 445 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:54,360 Speaker 1: involved or invested. And that book, again is co Parenting 446 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,920 Speaker 1: with the Toxic X by Amy Baker and Paul find 447 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:01,000 Speaker 1: I think that's a very helpful books that we can 448 00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:04,000 Speaker 1: use in those particular situations. So let's touch you on 449 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,680 Speaker 1: that a little bit too, because yeah, I don't want 450 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,520 Speaker 1: us to leave that out. So that's a great resource. 451 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:10,320 Speaker 1: But I also want to hear from you what kinds 452 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,760 Speaker 1: of suggestions you would have of me, because, like we said, 453 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,800 Speaker 1: we have kind of spent primarily this time talking about 454 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,320 Speaker 1: if both people are on board, right, but what if 455 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,600 Speaker 1: the other partner is not on boards and maybe you 456 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,760 Speaker 1: are really excited about it and really want to make 457 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:24,960 Speaker 1: it work and then the other person is not, So 458 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:29,080 Speaker 1: what kinds of suggestions would you have there? One don't 459 00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:33,320 Speaker 1: get frustrated because the other co parent doesn't want the 460 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:36,880 Speaker 1: relationship that you want. And I think that's key because 461 00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:39,800 Speaker 1: I'm sure, we all want to create a positive experience 462 00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:43,120 Speaker 1: for our child, but there are some co parents who 463 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:46,399 Speaker 1: aren't ready for that. So for you to kind of 464 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:49,320 Speaker 1: lead by example. And I know it's always hard for 465 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:52,040 Speaker 1: us when we are the more mature one to always 466 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:54,440 Speaker 1: take the high road, but again, this is not about us, 467 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,119 Speaker 1: This is about the child, and so making sure we 468 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:01,920 Speaker 1: don't get involved in that trap of kind of confusion 469 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:06,240 Speaker 1: and chaos that some co parents create by not wanting 470 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:10,000 Speaker 1: to have a positive relationship, but again staying focused on 471 00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:13,919 Speaker 1: what can I do in this situation to maintain a 472 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:17,040 Speaker 1: positive relationship with my child, And again that would probably 473 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:18,919 Speaker 1: go back to one of those co parent and styles 474 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:22,520 Speaker 1: where you have a parallel co parenting situation where you 475 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:26,040 Speaker 1: parent the child on your time and how you fit 476 00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:28,840 Speaker 1: as long as a healthy and it's not effusive, and 477 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:31,159 Speaker 1: I will co parent, you know, the way that I 478 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:34,400 Speaker 1: choose on my time. And so maybe having a separate 479 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,480 Speaker 1: coparentess situation may be the best for you, just to 480 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,359 Speaker 1: save your sanity and making sure that you don't become 481 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:44,439 Speaker 1: emotional at every exchange or every communication that you have 482 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,640 Speaker 1: with the co parent. Yeah, because I would imagine that 483 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:51,080 Speaker 1: that still comes down on the conflict. Right, So even 484 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,919 Speaker 1: though ideally you may want a situation where both of 485 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,560 Speaker 1: you are involved in making decisions together in that kind 486 00:27:56,600 --> 00:28:00,000 Speaker 1: of thing, if that can happen, then, like you said, 487 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,720 Speaker 1: just making sure that both people are parenting in a 488 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,040 Speaker 1: way that's not abusive but not harmful maybe better than 489 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:08,600 Speaker 1: trying to like work towards getting it where you're on 490 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:12,439 Speaker 1: the same page. Absolutely, it goes back to accepting the 491 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:15,520 Speaker 1: reality of the situation that you're in. You know, you 492 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,439 Speaker 1: may want something different, but the reality is, you know, 493 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:21,320 Speaker 1: you may be co parent with someone who doesn't want 494 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,720 Speaker 1: the same coparenting style as you, and that's okay, But 495 00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:27,520 Speaker 1: how do you make that work with you know, making 496 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:31,040 Speaker 1: sure that your child is happy? Perfect? So where can 497 00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:33,399 Speaker 1: our listeners find you? Again? Dr Town, So what's your 498 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,600 Speaker 1: website as well as your social media handles? Okay, so 499 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 1: my website is www dot k lix and it's c 500 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:45,640 Speaker 1: A L y X psychological dot com. And I finally 501 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:50,360 Speaker 1: have an Instagram. So if the Instagram Happle is c 502 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:54,120 Speaker 1: A L y X Psychological and it's the same on 503 00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 1: Facebook Psychological Perfect And of course all of that will 504 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,160 Speaker 1: be in this show notes, so people can find you easily. Well, 505 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:01,840 Speaker 1: thank you so much for chatting with us to get 506 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:04,760 Speaker 1: into doctor town so I appreciate it. Thank you for 507 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:09,840 Speaker 1: inviting me again. I'm so grateful Dr Townson was able 508 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,880 Speaker 1: to join us again today. To learn more about her 509 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:16,320 Speaker 1: or her practice, visit the show notes at Therapy for 510 00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:20,320 Speaker 1: Black Girls dot Com slash Session one eleven, and don't 511 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:23,080 Speaker 1: forget to share your takeaways with us either on Twitter 512 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:27,200 Speaker 1: or in your I G stories using the hashtag tv 513 00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:31,240 Speaker 1: G in session. Don't forget to show some support for 514 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:36,040 Speaker 1: our sponsor for this episode, natural Licious. Natural Sious is 515 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,520 Speaker 1: the world's first vegan, high performance hair care line that 516 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:43,320 Speaker 1: delivers the results of twelve products and only three. You 517 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:47,000 Speaker 1: can find the products and over twelve hundred Sally stores nationwide, 518 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:49,800 Speaker 1: and you can also get ten percent off your purchase 519 00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:53,800 Speaker 1: online by going to Sally Beauty dot com and using 520 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:58,680 Speaker 1: the promo code five five five five five five at checkout. 521 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:04,240 Speaker 1: Next week, I'm hosting the inaugural Black Girl Clinician Collective 522 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:08,160 Speaker 1: or b g c C as it's affectionately known Retreat. 523 00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:11,800 Speaker 1: Myself and thirty other black women therapists will be heading 524 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:15,320 Speaker 1: to South Carolina to learn strategies to take our practices 525 00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,200 Speaker 1: to the next level and to build and strengthen our 526 00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:22,080 Speaker 1: relationships with one another. I'm super excited as this is 527 00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:24,960 Speaker 1: my first major event and I wanted to make sure 528 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:29,440 Speaker 1: to thank our generous sponsors for making it possible. Our 529 00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:33,200 Speaker 1: first sponsor is Kelly and Miranda of zenny Me. Kelly 530 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:37,120 Speaker 1: and Miranda provide private practice training and coaching by two 531 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:41,240 Speaker 1: therapists for heartfelt business owners who care. You can find 532 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,360 Speaker 1: out more about them in their services at zenny me 533 00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:49,520 Speaker 1: dot com. Our next sponsor is the Gottman Institute. If 534 00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:52,120 Speaker 1: you've been listening to the podcast for a minute, then 535 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,800 Speaker 1: you know that the books by doctors John and Julie 536 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:59,440 Speaker 1: Gottman often come highly recommended by our guest therapists. The 537 00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:02,400 Speaker 1: mission of the Gotman Institute is to reach out to 538 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,800 Speaker 1: families in order to help create and maintain greater love 539 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:10,800 Speaker 1: and health in relationships. They're committed to an ongoing program 540 00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:15,360 Speaker 1: of research that increases the understanding of relationships and adds 541 00:31:15,360 --> 00:31:18,920 Speaker 1: to the development of interventions that have been carefully evaluated. 542 00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,960 Speaker 1: It's their goal to make services accessible to the broadest 543 00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:30,160 Speaker 1: reach of people across race, religion, class, culture, sexual orientation, 544 00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:34,040 Speaker 1: and ethnicity. You can learn more about the work that's 545 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:38,840 Speaker 1: done at the Government Institute at Gottman dot com. And 546 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:41,960 Speaker 1: our third sponsor is think if It. Think if It 547 00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:47,240 Speaker 1: is a software platform that enables entrepreneurs to create, market sell, 548 00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:51,800 Speaker 1: and deliver their own online courses. Their mission is no 549 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:56,240 Speaker 1: less to revolutionize the way people learn and earn online 550 00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:59,040 Speaker 1: by giving them the tools they need to turn their 551 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:03,120 Speaker 1: expertise into a sustainable business that impacts both them and 552 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:07,040 Speaker 1: their audience. You can learn more about their amazing platform 553 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:10,800 Speaker 1: at think ifik dot com and of course, all of 554 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:13,360 Speaker 1: the information will be shared in our show notes, So 555 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:15,360 Speaker 1: if you want to learn more about the sponsors for 556 00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:17,600 Speaker 1: the retreat, you'll be able to find all of that 557 00:32:17,760 --> 00:32:21,400 Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Session one eleven. 558 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,280 Speaker 1: If you're looking for a therapist in your area, don't 559 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:28,120 Speaker 1: forget to check out our directory at Therapy for Black 560 00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:33,120 Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash directory. And to continue this conversation 561 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:36,240 Speaker 1: with other sisters who listen to the podcast, come on 562 00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:38,720 Speaker 1: over and join us in the Thrive Tribe, which is 563 00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:42,320 Speaker 1: the Facebook community for our podcast. You can request to 564 00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:45,520 Speaker 1: join at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash tribe 565 00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:48,239 Speaker 1: and be sure to answer the three questions that are 566 00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:52,040 Speaker 1: asked to gain entry. Thank you all so much for 567 00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:55,240 Speaker 1: joining me again this week. I look forward to continue 568 00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:59,040 Speaker 1: in this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care. 569 00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:15,240 Speaker 1: Um um what