Speaker 1: According to the Oxford Dictionary, accountability is when you take
Speaker 1: ownership of what happens as a result of your choices
Speaker 1: and actions. But to put that in real context, accountability
Speaker 1: is when you accept blame for the things that you
Speaker 1: have done wrong and accept that you can influence the
Speaker 1: healing of those things. When you accept that you can
Speaker 1: contribute to the process going better for you and other people.
Speaker 1: It's when you don't pass responsibility onto someone else. It's
Speaker 1: when you don't blame other people for the things that
Speaker 1: you have done. It's when you literally own I made choices,
Speaker 1: I did things that led to this outcome. But I
Speaker 1: also know I have the influence to be able to
Speaker 1: have an impact and make things go better moving forward,
Speaker 1: and try not to think about it in terms of
Speaker 1: right or wrong. Think about it like this. If I'm
Speaker 1: hanging out with a friend and I take longer to
Speaker 1: get ready than I said by the time we leave,
Speaker 1: we pull out of my street and there's a police
Speaker 1: officer there that pulls us over. My friend might turn
Speaker 1: to me and say, this is your fault. Had we
Speaker 1: left on time, this police officer would not have met
Speaker 1: with us. Like did I do anything wrong? No? But
Speaker 1: like am I accountable to the outcome of those decisions. Yes,
Speaker 1: so I think accountability is when you just accept everything
Speaker 1: good or bad, is a consequence of my choices and actions.
Speaker 1: I also think it's important that we learned to take
Speaker 1: accountability for positive things, which we tend to not do.
Speaker 1: One of the things you're going to experience in this
Speaker 1: journey with Freddy is he started accepting accountability and responsibility
Speaker 1: for his flaws, but he had a very hard time
Speaker 1: accepting responsibility for his positive traits and some of the
Speaker 1: positive outcomes. And we all have a tendency to do that.
Speaker 1: But the truth is, accountability means you accept your role
Speaker 1: in everything, be it good, be it bad, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: You are accepting ownership that life is a consequence of
Speaker 1: the things you do, the things you say, the way
Speaker 1: you behave, and how you conduct yourself. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elia, Khannie. What's been better
Speaker 1: since you listened to the previous episode? Today is spent
Speaker 1: directly focusing on Freddie, who is Jay's father. I'm very
Speaker 1: excited for us to spend this episode doing a deep
Speaker 1: dive into Freddie's life because we're about to go on
Speaker 1: a journey of fatherhood. We're going to learn about his childhood,
Speaker 1: about his traumas, about his tragedies, about his mistakes he
Speaker 1: made as a father, but more importantly, about his desire
Speaker 1: to journey back and heal some of the family relationships
Speaker 1: that were severed throughout his life. This journey's gonna be difficult,
Speaker 1: and in this conversation you're gonna start seeing the first
Speaker 1: steps of a man trying to reclaim his family. Freddy,
Speaker 1: what's been better since we last chatted?
Speaker 2: Oh? Man, you know, I just when I wake up
Speaker 2: in the morning, I'd be like, I'll be blessed God
Speaker 2: woke me up. Now the rest of the day is
Speaker 2: up to me, So I gotta make the best of it.
Speaker 1: As you wake up every day like thankful and blessed,
Speaker 1: what do you notice? It gives you a clue that
Speaker 1: things are going in a direction that you're pleased with.
Speaker 2: You know, it starts off and I make my cup
Speaker 2: of coffee. That kind of you know, puts me in
Speaker 2: a great move, you know what I mean? It starts
Speaker 2: my deal. Great.
Speaker 1: Okay, does that happen? Does that happen every day?
Speaker 2: Practically? Yeah? Every morning? Yeah? Actually, yeah, I need that
Speaker 2: little pickm get me start.
Speaker 1: Okay, what else has been going in a way that
Speaker 1: you please with?
Speaker 2: Once I got to work, Uh my workload wasn't that that?
Speaker 2: I have a big workload today? That said, like, you know,
Speaker 2: a couple of repairs, I have one emergency. My my
Speaker 2: thing went kind of smooth.
Speaker 1: What do you do to make sure your day keeps
Speaker 1: going smooth?
Speaker 2: I try to have a positive frame of mind. You know,
Speaker 2: I like a little little things annoy me, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean? Like sometimes, uh, I let things annoy me,
Speaker 2: you know, aggrevate me like this just dog is trying
Speaker 2: to aggrevate me. Now they want me a pedal go,
Speaker 2: but I throw your mommy go go.
Speaker 1: So how do you keep a positive frame of mind?
Speaker 1: How do you? How do you do that? I mean,
Speaker 1: we live in such a negative, harsh world. It's kind
Speaker 1: of hard. How do you how do you keep a
Speaker 1: positive frame of mind?
Speaker 2: Well? I don't. I try to stay mellow, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean. I don't like that things good on
Speaker 2: my skin, you know what I mean? Like like normally,
Speaker 2: but I think like if I'm driving to work, its
Speaker 2: might want to buy me blowing the horn. I just
Speaker 2: pull over them and go past you know what I mean, gotcha?
Speaker 1: And have you always been that way?
Speaker 2: No? No, I you know I used to have road raided,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, being a car when when
Speaker 2: I say the car was making a left turn, I
Speaker 2: want to I want to make the term nowadays tomorrow,
Speaker 2: trying to make a turn out, I slow down, now
Speaker 2: make the turn, you know what I mean? Like, oh, man,
Speaker 2: it ain't it Ain't that serious, man, you know, it
Speaker 2: ain't that serious. Some things people just take so seriously,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, when they really have to.
Speaker 1: When did you learn to be that way? I'm going
Speaker 1: to ask you a really important question in a minute,
Speaker 1: But when did you learn to to stop being about
Speaker 1: the rose raids and taking everything so serious? When did
Speaker 1: you learn to be that way?
Speaker 2: Well? I think about three or four years ago. Life
Speaker 2: is too short to be angry at the world, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree. How did you develop that mindset?
Speaker 2: Well? I think about during this COVID time, so many
Speaker 2: people leaving it, leaving this earth man, like wow, Like
Speaker 2: almost every month, you know, either I had a tenor funeral,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Or I heard about somebody.
Speaker 2: Uh I just passed away, you know, And it's just
Speaker 2: like wow, man. Like then I'd be seeing sometimes be
Speaker 2: seeing some guys that you know, I went to high
Speaker 2: school with, and he was like, damn, man, you look
Speaker 2: you look the same like you you ain't you ain't
Speaker 2: since high school. And then I'll be saying, I mean
Speaker 2: in the back of my mind, like I can't sit
Speaker 2: there and you look, you look, you know, look look
Speaker 2: saying too he looked like ninety nine, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. But you know, I thank God for that,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, the little gray heads, And
Speaker 2: I thank God for that because like there's so many
Speaker 2: my my people I grew up with that I went
Speaker 2: to high school. They you know, they already gone, man,
Speaker 2: and like I got, I gotta be thankful for that
Speaker 2: because like it was one time in my life, man,
Speaker 2: I was just living from hour to hour, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean. I was just so much stuff, man.
Speaker 2: You know, one time I was I was this, this
Speaker 2: is the true story. I could an start crying out. Uh.
Speaker 2: Me and a few of the fellass on the block.
Speaker 2: We was, uh we had a beef with some Jamaican guys.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean. The one is to make
Speaker 2: guys pull up, stop busting shots. So we were running,
Speaker 2: he busting shots and stuff. Right, So we get we
Speaker 2: get home, I said, and if I get hit, nobody hit. Right.
Speaker 2: So I look at I looked at my shirt. I
Speaker 2: got all these holes in it. I'm like like, huh,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, How the hell my shirt
Speaker 2: have holes in it? And I don't got no holes
Speaker 2: in it. Everybody looking at me, like you sure you're right,
Speaker 2: You're bro mine. You know, I don't know if I
Speaker 2: was running so fast my shirt wasn't it like like Batman,
Speaker 2: if that was a situation or not, But oh my god,
Speaker 2: I was just like it was. It was his mind bothered,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. You know, I've been in
Speaker 2: so many such and gold things in my life, man,
Speaker 2: and I just lived so recklessly, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: I'll just be amazed. I'm still here.
Speaker 1: That's an incredible story. Even if you were running in
Speaker 1: your clothes, you know, got caught in the air like
Speaker 1: Batman's cape, that still means the bullets came super close.
Speaker 2: To you hit me. Thank God for that, you.
Speaker 1: Know, Freddy. It makes me think you must, after all
Speaker 1: the things you survived, you must really know that time
Speaker 1: is precious.
Speaker 2: Indeed, indeed.
Speaker 1: Is that why because the last time we talked, one
Speaker 1: of the things that was really important he was reconnecting
Speaker 1: with your kids.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it is why.
Speaker 1: Reconnect with your kids is so important.
Speaker 2: Not basically, yeah, but that's primarily not the only reason,
Speaker 2: you know, because I'm a fairy family oriented person. You know,
Speaker 2: as far as like where I was raised. You know,
Speaker 2: I was raised with both my parents. You know, I
Speaker 2: bet tremendous, I would say childhood. You know, I don't
Speaker 2: never remember the day I didn't get nothing for my birthday.
Speaker 2: You know, we wasn't rich, rich, but it wasn't a
Speaker 2: place I don't ever remember we was going Hongry, or
Speaker 2: we ain't had a fool or you know, stuff like that.
Speaker 2: So uh, you know, and I think my father he
Speaker 2: wasn't how would I say, uh, no emotional or like
Speaker 2: he didn't really always say uh expresses as his love
Speaker 2: for me. Verbally, he expresses his love for me like
Speaker 2: uh being there taking me places. Uh. It's funny because
Speaker 2: like I used to, I used to hate coming home
Speaker 2: sometime because I used to come home in my house
Speaker 2: be full of full of kids and people, and and
Speaker 2: I never realized my father used to take like we
Speaker 2: used to live in the projects, and he used to
Speaker 2: like rind little little buses and you know, take kids
Speaker 2: to the to the beach with us and all that.
Speaker 2: I used to hate it, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: And at the time, I didn't realize until I got older,
Speaker 2: while he was doing those types of things, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean. And and once I realized, you know,
Speaker 2: you little, you want your father to be uh solely
Speaker 2: you know, all his attention on you, you know, but
Speaker 2: he got all these other kids, but you know, you know,
Speaker 2: he got a watch and and stuff like that. And
Speaker 2: like I said, I didn't realize that at that time,
Speaker 2: those those kids probably didn't have a father and nobody
Speaker 2: take them nowhere, you know what I'm saying. And it
Speaker 2: was and I didn't realize that until I got old.
Speaker 2: And I remember when we first got a color TV
Speaker 2: in our house and and I don't think, uh, you know,
Speaker 2: big floor of models with the record player, and my
Speaker 2: house is always full with people, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: because I don't you know half of them. You know,
Speaker 2: that's from TV for TV color TVs person came out,
Speaker 2: you know, and I don't think half the people really
Speaker 2: even had colored TVs. Then you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: I didn't realize all that stuff I got older, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean? Like, ah, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: And I just hate people always knocking on my door
Speaker 2: to want to bow sugar or bread and I my
Speaker 2: parent open that door. Look see who that is? I dow.
Speaker 2: I just slam the door in people's faces and it's like, no,
Speaker 2: we don't got it, we don't got who was that?
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. Somebody want to ball some bridge,
Speaker 2: Like I'm like over that door boy, over up back
Speaker 2: door boy.
Speaker 1: And the last time we talked, you actually talked about
Speaker 1: It's funny. You just said like you're a family man,
Speaker 1: or you grew up a family man, and your father
Speaker 1: wasn't all lovey dovey, but he was like there and
Speaker 1: you said you wanted to be there in your kids' lives.
Speaker 1: What what are you doing now to take to take
Speaker 1: steps to be that in your kids lives, in your
Speaker 1: grandkid's life.
Speaker 2: Well, be perfectly honest with you, I haven't. I haven't
Speaker 2: done anything since we talked. Uh. I suppose I went
Speaker 2: to you know, to go see my grandkids, but something
Speaker 2: came up which I couldn't really put that to the
Speaker 2: side because it wasn't that repressing, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: something you know I'd done. But I could have put
Speaker 2: that to the side. And like sometimes like I let things,
Speaker 2: uh sid sidetracking him, I might say, I facetimed there
Speaker 2: and she didn't answer the FaceTime. So then my friend
Speaker 2: and he lives like well maybe ten fifteen minutes away
Speaker 2: from me, and and he said that he didn't have
Speaker 2: no heat in his house. I said, oh, I said,
Speaker 2: and he really don't know about the furnace that you know,
Speaker 2: powerl like going out and all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2: We set the furnace. So I said, I'll be over
Speaker 2: there in about you know, you don't live like fifteen minutes,
Speaker 2: but I said, I'll be there in a minute. So
Speaker 2: you know, I jumped in the corner and went to
Speaker 2: his health you know, and and all you know it
Speaker 2: was you know, the friends like you know, went out.
Speaker 2: So after that we sat up stairs and had a
Speaker 2: couple of beds and started talking and I came home.
Speaker 1: Instead of hanging out with your daughter.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, so I could, like I said, I could
Speaker 2: have went there, did the furnace and just left and
Speaker 2: did what I was supposed to do.
Speaker 1: How come you let those things distract you?
Speaker 2: I'm not really sure.
Speaker 1: Do you want to continue being the family man? And
Speaker 1: is it still important to you to be a part
Speaker 1: of your kids' lives?
Speaker 2: Absolutely?
Speaker 1: How are you gonna know when things have changed to
Speaker 1: the point where you're not being distracted by those other
Speaker 1: things and being in your children's lives is more important
Speaker 1: than any of those other things that come up.
Speaker 2: Well, my my my intentions was just to go there
Speaker 2: and just to lighten, uh, to see what was going on.
Speaker 2: And once I realized that, you know, the power light
Speaker 2: was out, it was you know, it was not extremely crazy,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. But I should have done that.
Speaker 2: I should have just lit the power light and uh
Speaker 2: and got my card and did what I was was
Speaker 2: the rest of my day was going to be planning
Speaker 2: to do.
Speaker 1: What is it that keeps you out of your children's lives?
Speaker 2: I think I lose focused on a lot of stuff,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, allow things to interfere like
Speaker 2: I would like, lose focused like I was, Like I
Speaker 2: said when I first got my cars, that I come
Speaker 2: over there. In my mind, I go to the south
Speaker 2: and knock it out, get back to my car and
Speaker 2: go up north. But when I got there, I just
Speaker 2: lost focused on what I was my intentions, but was
Speaker 2: That's my main issue, you know what I mean. I
Speaker 2: let things sidetrack me, or allow people to sidetrack what
Speaker 2: what I'm gonna do? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: How do you think that impacts your children when they
Speaker 1: know you'll get sidetracked and not be connected to them.
Speaker 2: I know it's been extremely devastating to them, you know,
Speaker 2: primarily because that's been my issue. Basically, I don't know
Speaker 2: follow up on what I'm gonna say I'm gonna do.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean. I might might make an
Speaker 2: appointment to do something or make some type of arrangement,
Speaker 2: and I don't just follow up, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: That's where my main issue, just to follow up on
Speaker 2: my promises. And nine times our tendant don't even be
Speaker 2: that sidetrack me. Don't even be like thight threatening or
Speaker 2: extreme emergency or anything of that nature, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean?
Speaker 1: Pretty would you be pleased to be that way? Like? Honestly,
Speaker 1: if you started making promises specifically and especially to your
Speaker 1: kids and following up on those promises, would you be
Speaker 1: pleased to be that kind of a person.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, and I think that probably would change our whole
Speaker 2: dynamic of our relationship, you know, because I think that's
Speaker 2: primarily the main issue where I'm filling with them. At
Speaker 2: always tell her so I'm gonna I'm gonna be better
Speaker 2: with this and better with that, you know, and then
Speaker 2: I still find out Damn, I'm still the same way,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Like I said, I'm gonna
Speaker 2: do this, and I all sure of doing it, you know,
Speaker 2: and my fiance, Oh, she always telling me, I thought
Speaker 2: you sposed it went up north? Today? I said, yeah,
Speaker 2: I oppose that went, but I ain't go.
Speaker 1: Which one of your kids? Were you gonna go visit?
Speaker 2: Oh? I was gonna go to j.
Speaker 1: Yeah. How did she respond when you didn't show up?
Speaker 2: Oh? I think she was kind of upset with me
Speaker 2: because I called her yesterday. I tried to FaceTime and
Speaker 2: she didn't answer the FaceTime call. So I don't know
Speaker 2: if she was busy or if she was like upset
Speaker 2: with me, because I haven't really talked to her since then.
Speaker 1: What do you think it would do to Jay to
Speaker 1: have you actually showing up and following up with your word.
Speaker 2: A bigger pheel like I'm dependable. I'm a man of
Speaker 2: my word, you know what I'm saying. But I said
Speaker 2: I'm gonna be there. I'm gonna be here, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean?
Speaker 1: What do you think you would do to Jane and
Speaker 1: the rest of your kids, even if you were doing
Speaker 1: things like that for them, if you were like showing
Speaker 1: up for them and helping them with their fixtures and
Speaker 1: their pools and their kids and their you know, kitchen
Speaker 1: appliances or whatever like, what would it do to Jane
Speaker 1: and the rest of your kids to have you show
Speaker 1: up for them like that?
Speaker 2: Well, I pulled you going to Jack Wheee house and
Speaker 2: building this burrow, which I pulled. I pulled that. She
Speaker 2: asked me to do it, I think like a month ago,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Uh, And I haven't gotten
Speaker 2: around to that yet. Jay does eyebrows and all that
Speaker 2: kind of stuff. So she she wanted me to fix
Speaker 2: a fix a room downstairs on basement. So I built
Speaker 2: the room, put the floor down, painted, and now she's
Speaker 2: able to do you know, she got a place for
Speaker 2: her to do her eyelashes for people. So then she
Speaker 2: wanted me to build another room, which I started. Uh,
Speaker 2: but we're waiting on some more fundings. Uh, to finish
Speaker 2: I built the other room. I put uh a bathroom
Speaker 2: down there and a toilet, a sink.
Speaker 1: When did you do all that?
Speaker 2: About two months ago? Well, I'm not really finished yet.
Speaker 2: I still the project is delayed of none on my account. Uh.
Speaker 2: Her car broke down, so she had to buy a
Speaker 2: new car, so that kind of took some of the
Speaker 2: fundings away from doing the room. So she said, well, okay,
Speaker 2: when things picked back up, she's gonna we're gonna start
Speaker 2: back doing.
Speaker 1: So what do you think it does to day when
Speaker 1: you show up for her consistently like that.
Speaker 2: It's funny because like she'd be working with me, explained
Speaker 2: to her how to do it step by step with her.
Speaker 2: Then we just work nine times out of ten, we'll
Speaker 2: do it together, you know, and I'll be telling I
Speaker 2: kind of do I kind of go do things like
Speaker 2: that's what we could have that quality time together. So
Speaker 2: like when the project is completed, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: It's nothing like putting your effort into something and then
Speaker 2: when it's completed, you say, well I did that. You
Speaker 2: know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Okay, wait, wait, you just said something brilliant. Say that
Speaker 1: one more time to sort to make sure I heard it.
Speaker 1: There's nothing like say that it one more.
Speaker 2: Time, like me and her tackling a project when it's
Speaker 2: completed and you said to yourself, well, me and my
Speaker 2: dad did that, you know what I mean? Or we
Speaker 2: did this together, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: So there's nothing like when you put forth the effort
Speaker 1: and you see your task completed. Right.
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And can I be totally.
Speaker 2: Honest with you, Sure you can.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out how do I get Freddy
Speaker 1: to work harder to be more connected to Jayden and
Speaker 1: the rest of the kids. But starting with Jape, how
Speaker 1: can I do that? How what can we do to
Speaker 1: help you work harder to make those relationships happen?
Speaker 2: Well, I think now, like I said once, I gotta
Speaker 2: make sure if I say a bix of type of
Speaker 2: arrangements for to do anything with any of my kids,
Speaker 2: I gotta make sure that that time is solely for them,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I don't have no things
Speaker 2: to overlap it or nothing that's gonna intervene with it.
Speaker 2: I gotta make sure that my schedule is arranged just
Speaker 2: for them.
Speaker 1: I need to figure out a way for you to
Speaker 1: do something for Jake that would look to her like
Speaker 1: you keeping your word anything. What could it be?
Speaker 2: Mhmm? Well, I was thinking I was just gonna go
Speaker 2: there on Saturday and just knock on the door, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean, Like you know I'm here, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean? Okay, because I don't. I'm afraid
Speaker 2: to say, hey, Jay, I'm gonna be there on Saturday,
Speaker 2: and and I don't show up, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: I can't have that happen anymore.
Speaker 1: Well, how about we do the opposite. How about we say, hey,
Speaker 1: jam up on Saturday, and then you do everything humanly
Speaker 1: possible to show up, not get distracted nothing. I'm going
Speaker 1: to show up because she needs to know you can
Speaker 1: do that. You need to know you can do that.
Speaker 2: Absolutely.
Speaker 1: So how about we do that. Let's tell her I
Speaker 1: will show up on Saturday. She's probably gonna say I doubted, no,
Speaker 1: you ain't, blah blah blah whatever. But then when you
Speaker 1: show up on Saturday, she'll be like he did it,
Speaker 1: and you'll be able to say you did it right.
Speaker 2: Because I cant explained to you. I wanted to tell
Speaker 2: you something that occur. My grandson's birthday was two days ago,
Speaker 2: and uh, it kind of it kind of broke my
Speaker 2: heart too, uh in a way because we was getting
Speaker 2: through Facebook and they were singing happy his mother was
Speaker 2: singing Happy birthday Tom, you know, to k in front
Speaker 2: of him on at the table and the computer facing
Speaker 2: him with like seven people on it, their aunt's, uncle's
Speaker 2: cousins or whatever, you know, on the room call. You know,
Speaker 2: I was like, Wow, I said to myself, Wow, I
Speaker 2: didn't even I didn't even get an invite, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean. So I'm like, what what that tells me?
Speaker 2: That's his grandfather? You know what I mean? Yeah, you
Speaker 2: know I am not even part of his life. He's
Speaker 2: only five years old, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: And so I said to myself, you can't blame nobody
Speaker 2: but yourself, you know what I mean. You can't feel bad.
Speaker 2: You can't go in the corner and describe, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean. You can't blame nobody. So what you
Speaker 2: gonna do about that? What you're gonna do about next
Speaker 2: year when he turned six? You know what I mean? Uh,
Speaker 2: Well you're gonna you know, is it gonna be anything
Speaker 2: different than right now? The way you feel me?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean like and you'd like it
Speaker 1: to be different next year.
Speaker 2: Absolutely so. And the primary stuff I take the hard ones,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. They're not hard ones, right,
Speaker 2: you know, and like uh, then but like seven buttons
Speaker 2: on the on the phone, you know, I used to
Speaker 2: talk to them all time on on what's side, you know,
Speaker 2: like last year, you know what I mean, which have
Speaker 2: a few things have probably developed from now to then,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean? Like uh. And sometimes people
Speaker 2: take harsh measurements for the littlest reasons, you know, like
Speaker 2: they like over over five hours over I forgot, I
Speaker 2: forgot to do that, you know what I mean, And
Speaker 2: they take hard, harsh measurements over that. And then you'd
Speaker 2: be like, damn, was it was it that serious? Saying? So?
Speaker 2: Maybe not to me, it wasn't that serious, but they
Speaker 2: might have been seriously hell to them, that's all, you know.
Speaker 2: Little you'll be like judgmental with things, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. I don't that don't bother me. But that
Speaker 2: ship filled the ship out of somebody else, you know,
Speaker 2: like and.
Speaker 1: Freddy, it's making me think about something. And again I
Speaker 1: gotta ask you a really hard question. Yeah I know
Speaker 1: I do, man, I'm sorry, but how come you left
Speaker 1: and went to Florida?
Speaker 2: Well, I think we I went to Disneyland and just
Speaker 2: I don't know Florida, you know what I mean? You know,
Speaker 2: I don't know about my life. Wasn't really that that
Speaker 2: bad in Jersey. Let me tell you the story. Will
Speaker 2: happened to this guy that I was talking to before. Yeah,
Speaker 2: he's worked for for seven years and like he buy
Speaker 2: houses and buildings or whatever you know, and just going
Speaker 2: gout them out whatever whatever figures back up, you know,
Speaker 2: and he has timeshare in Florida. So like he said, well, y'all, look,
Speaker 2: what are you gonna do for for vacations? I don't know. Yeah, man,
Speaker 2: it's so I said, love to take the kids to
Speaker 2: this man. He said, well, okay, I got probably down there.
Speaker 2: I said, what you mean, I probably probably like down
Speaker 2: you know you're going go you know STADIU. I'm like,
Speaker 2: this guy is something now, you know what I mean. Anyway,
Speaker 2: Sorry for we get we pack up to playing tickets
Speaker 2: and everything go do somewhere for two weeks. So when
Speaker 2: we was down there, it was like, I don't know,
Speaker 2: I'm just this measurment rize, Like you know, this is
Speaker 2: my first time being in Florida. But it was just
Speaker 2: so I don't know, I don't know, maject, I don't know.
Speaker 2: It just got me. And she was somewhat overwhelmed too,
Speaker 2: I think. And so we went to the roster and
Speaker 2: they started sitting us proper. Uh when we got back
Speaker 2: to back home. So there's one particular while week we
Speaker 2: liked and and the numbers was pretty decent. It was
Speaker 2: you know, so we moved to Florida. We ain't know
Speaker 2: nobody down So this me and her and the kids,
Speaker 2: when we just moved to Florida. That's the story of Florida.
Speaker 1: Why while you were in Florida, how come you didn't
Speaker 1: stay in contact with Jason and the other kids.
Speaker 2: Oh no, I don't really, I don't even know why
Speaker 2: I didn't.
Speaker 1: If I if I showed you a way to fix that,
Speaker 1: how happy would you be?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeh yeh uh so happy I probably would. Uhh.
Speaker 2: I think one time I was in I was in
Speaker 2: Vegas and I was I was doing that, oh, playing
Speaker 2: the slot machine and you hear those balls go up.
Speaker 2: That's if you like, yeah, like you know, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean, I'll be a winner, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Freddy, I really want to help you with that.
Speaker 1: I want to help you be a winner.
Speaker 2: All right, cool sounds great.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to ask you to do something hard, though, sir. Okay,
Speaker 1: do you remember earlier in our conversation when you said
Speaker 1: you said, like something small will happen, like even something
Speaker 1: like five dollars. Yeah, and it might not be a
Speaker 1: big deal to you, but it'll be a big deal
Speaker 1: to them, and it makes it hard. You remember saying that.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think one of the reasons it's hard is because
Speaker 1: they are hurt by something you in the past. So
Speaker 1: even though this new thing might be small, it's kind
Speaker 1: of compounded with the other stuff to them. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense, Yeah, it makes sense. I want to ask
Speaker 1: I want to show you how to fix that. And
Speaker 1: I think you already know because you keep saying things
Speaker 1: like I just want to know them and be a
Speaker 1: part of their lives, and I the way to do
Speaker 1: that is you have to keep calling them.
Speaker 2: I know, and I don't. I don't, I think, And
Speaker 2: somebody else told me, uh uh hm, that's the same.
Speaker 2: I gotta do you know what I mean? At first,
Speaker 2: they told me before you quote have your conversation drawing
Speaker 2: out in your mind ready that you haven't gonna do
Speaker 2: a play. Now you the first play that you are
Speaker 2: you're right, and in the conversation it's gonna be a
Speaker 2: good one as far as the conversation will go. Well,
Speaker 2: you're gonna uh laughing joke and it's gonna be a
Speaker 2: good conversation. And when you're gonna see some you know,
Speaker 2: development from the conversation that you that you you have.
Speaker 2: And then on this side, you guys have to play
Speaker 2: a not so good conversation uhh, argument to uh m
Speaker 2: hm for fanity the whole whole ten yards, you know.
Speaker 2: So now you gotta uh h have yourself in a
Speaker 2: fixation where umhu, you're gonna have the answer for that
Speaker 2: or not the answer at that time. But not be
Speaker 2: uh uh for a victim of the anger and the things.
Speaker 2: You got to be able to be able to understand
Speaker 2: it and take it in and use it and work
Speaker 2: with it and not you know, be volunteer or or
Speaker 2: explode over you know what I'm saying. Because they are
Speaker 2: releasing their feelings and their emotion and the pain that
Speaker 2: they probably have been built up in their lives for
Speaker 2: twenty years. You know, and sometimes you know, uh, your
Speaker 2: reaction can't be mum, a hate for one, you know, yeah,
Speaker 2: of course, and you know, you guys be able to
Speaker 2: be able to suck it in because you did wrong,
Speaker 2: you know, you you hurt, you hurt somebody, and they
Speaker 2: releasing their pain. They got to release their pain so
Speaker 2: they can heal, you know, and and and you've got
Speaker 2: to be atle to that. And sometimes you know, mum hum,
Speaker 2: That's what I'm fighting with as far as that conversation,
Speaker 2: because like, uh, I go over, I go over the
Speaker 2: conversation in my mind, you know, and I was like,
Speaker 2: if I'm over it, stand for all that, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean, if I ain't gonna be a you know,
Speaker 2: to take the pain that they have and and exhorbit
Speaker 2: and work with it, you know what I mean. I
Speaker 2: know I pause every part of it or majority of it,
Speaker 2: and one aspect of another. But therefore, can I be
Speaker 2: accountable for my mistakes? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Do they know that you want to be accountable for
Speaker 1: your mistakes?
Speaker 2: You know? I think I at one time or another, I
Speaker 2: expressed my feelings, you know, damn you know, you know,
Speaker 2: you know, you know I messed up and some aspect
Speaker 2: of your life, but I try to justify it or
Speaker 2: oh look you still turned out. Okay, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. Just to eat my pain, you know this,
Speaker 2: ease my you know what I mean, my guilt, You
Speaker 2: know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Well, let's let's see if we can do that in
Speaker 1: a better way, Freddie. And what I want you to do,
Speaker 1: I don't want you to think about like the two conversations,
Speaker 1: like you were just saying. What I want you to
Speaker 1: do is I want you to call each of the
Speaker 1: seven kids. And before you do, I want you to
Speaker 1: remind yourself of the reason you're calling them, which is
Speaker 1: to be in their lives. So if they express pain, hurt,
Speaker 1: just remember I'm just trying to be present in their lives.
Speaker 1: I want them to experience their father. I want the
Speaker 1: grandkids have access to the grandfather, and I want you
Speaker 1: to have them in your life. And I want you
Speaker 1: to just remind yourself like I'm only doing this because
Speaker 1: I want to be in their lives, and that when
Speaker 1: you think about it in that way, then it won't
Speaker 1: matter whether they're angry or happy or excited. None of
Speaker 1: that stuff matters, because you just want to get to
Speaker 1: know them, and it might start with them being angry
Speaker 1: because there's been hurt there. And there's a part of
Speaker 1: you that is so eloquent. There's a part of you
Speaker 1: that accepts like I probably cause some hurt and I'm
Speaker 1: willing to acknowledge that, and a lot of people don't
Speaker 1: say that. I want them to get to know that
Speaker 1: part of their father. But you're gonna have to keep
Speaker 1: showing up in order for that to happen. So my
Speaker 1: challenge for you is between now and the next time
Speaker 1: we meet, I want you to reach out to all
Speaker 1: seven kids. Can you do that?
Speaker 2: And I'm gonna do that, and.
Speaker 1: Then we're going to figure out a way to keep
Speaker 1: that going so that you are in their lives.
Speaker 2: It's not a hard thing to do. And then it's like, uh,
Speaker 2: you get so caught up in your daily day activities
Speaker 2: you're like, Oh, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it,
Speaker 2: I'm do it, and that i'm gonna do it never
Speaker 2: comes you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Yeah, and exactly what you said before, and then before
Speaker 1: you know it, two three weeks have gone by. But
Speaker 1: I'm gonna hold you accountable. I want you to call
Speaker 1: each of the seven kids between now and the next
Speaker 1: time we meet, and before you have each phone call,
Speaker 1: I just want to remind yourself why you're doing this,
Speaker 1: because I just want to be a part of their lives. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: Freddie was wonderful to talk to you, man.
Speaker 2: And likewise, man, likewise, appreciate your.
Speaker 1: Fatherhood is the man's ability to live up to the
Speaker 1: parental responsibilities that they have. It's having an influence on
Speaker 1: your children. It's being there for your children. It's being
Speaker 1: able to sacrifice for the betterment of your children. Fatherhood
Speaker 1: represents all of those things, and for one reason or another,
Speaker 1: those things were a significant challenge throughout Freddie's life. I
Speaker 1: think the absentee father idea in the black community is very,
Speaker 1: very prominent, and in some cases I think overstated and exaggerated. However,
Speaker 1: Freddie represents the stereotype of the absentee father, but he
Speaker 1: also represents what I think is very often understated, which
Speaker 1: is the outlier to that stereotype, which is the father
Speaker 1: that wants to create healing and reconnection and loves his
Speaker 1: children even in adulthood, and wants to mend things and
Speaker 1: takes act ability to acknowledge his flaws and acknowledges his
Speaker 1: role in whatever has gone wrong. If Freddie were listening
Speaker 1: to this, I would want to make sure he continues
Speaker 1: to make himself available to his children and whatever emotions
Speaker 1: these children want to express to him as he tries
Speaker 1: to reconnect. If you're a father in a similar situation,
Speaker 1: you have to go through this process without expecting to
Speaker 1: feel comfortable, but also making the decision to be consistent,
Speaker 1: which is I'm going to call my children. I'm going
Speaker 1: to reach out to my children. I'm going to text
Speaker 1: my children, and even if the response is negative and
Speaker 1: or angry, I'm going to reach out again. I'm going
Speaker 1: to reach out again. I'm going to reach out again.
Speaker 1: The thing that children need to see as you work
Speaker 1: on becoming dependable and consistent in their life is dependability
Speaker 1: and consistency. They need to know that you're not going
Speaker 1: to be gone again. So you have to show up
Speaker 1: even when it's hard, even when it's uncomfortable, even when
Speaker 1: you know that the conversation is going to go poorly.
Speaker 1: And if you can do that, you have the opportunity
Speaker 1: and you have a reasonable chance of healing those difficult relationships.
Speaker 1: Forgiving yourself is one of the most important skills in
Speaker 1: terms of mental health and healing. And the reason this
Speaker 1: is true is because no one is perfect, so everyone
Speaker 1: is going to make mistakes of varying degrees, and if
Speaker 1: you don't forgive yourself for those mistakes, then you end
Speaker 1: up having guilt, remorse, shame, resenting yourself. You end up
Speaker 1: self sabotaging progress. You've got to accept that you are
Speaker 1: a flawed human being and as a consequence, have made
Speaker 1: mistakes along the journey, and understand that you have the
Speaker 1: ability to correct, mend, and heal from those mistakes. Forgiveness
Speaker 1: is the greatest gift you will ever give yourself, and
Speaker 1: it is a gift that literally every single human being
Speaker 1: on the planet needs to know how to give themselves.
Speaker 1: It's very, very important to honor the past and to
Speaker 1: acknowledge the past, but to not allow the past to
Speaker 1: determine what you do in your future. In some ways,
Speaker 1: we have to release ourselves from that past so that
Speaker 1: we can create a different and in a lot of ways,
Speaker 1: more positive future. One of the biggest mistakes that we
Speaker 1: make is we think about our past and we have
Speaker 1: these negative experiences, remorse, regret, all those sorts of things
Speaker 1: and we allow ourselves to make current decisions from the
Speaker 1: perspective of remorse and regret, and you can't do that.
Speaker 1: You've got to just forgive yourself that had happened and
Speaker 1: do the very best you can moving forward. Now, we're
Speaker 1: never going to forget the past, and it should always
Speaker 1: inform what we do, but not from a place of fear,
Speaker 1: not from a place of regret, but instead from a
Speaker 1: place of hope. If you can remember something went wrong
Speaker 1: in the past, and I have a lot of hope
Speaker 1: that I can make that situation better in the future,
Speaker 1: then that's how you make decisions moving forward. And that's
Speaker 1: exactly how you release the past and become the best
Speaker 1: version of yourself today. If you are a father who
Speaker 1: has experienced an estranged situation from your child, you've been
Speaker 1: separated from your child from one reason or another, I
Speaker 1: hope this episode would inspire you, and in fact, I
Speaker 1: want to ask you to reach out to those children,
Speaker 1: text them, call them, send an email, begin the process
Speaker 1: of reconnecting those relationships. And we hear at the Black
Speaker 1: Effect would love it if you would share those stories
Speaker 1: with us by commenting on social media. Commenting after you
Speaker 1: listen to the podcast, or reaching out to us in
Speaker 1: some other way, but we would love to hear those stories.
Speaker 1: This is not just a podcast that I want you
Speaker 1: to consume and be entertained by. I actually want you
Speaker 1: to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this,
Speaker 1: and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by
Speaker 1: the content we consume. So what I would like for
Speaker 1: you to do is come on this healing journey with us.
Speaker 1: Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And
Speaker 1: the way to do that is to just pay attention
Speaker 1: to the things going on in your life as a
Speaker 1: consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things
Speaker 1: in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay
Speaker 1: attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention
Speaker 1: to evidence of your success, your resilience, and your strength.
Speaker 1: And let us know in the comments what you're noticing
Speaker 1: in your life as a result of listening to this
Speaker 1: podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things.
Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
Speaker 1: your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM,
Speaker 1: connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you
Speaker 1: can also send me a text message to nine seven
Speaker 1: two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy
Speaker 1: is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network.
Speaker 1: Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by
Speaker 1: Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly s. Fisham.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
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Speaker 1: content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for
Speaker 1: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance, and does
Speaker 1: not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
Speaker 1: consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any
Speaker 1: specific concerns or questions you may have. You