1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,840 Speaker 1: I've only just realized that I let the men I 2 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:07,039 Speaker 1: call family and friends ruin my marriage. I've been divorced 3 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:09,840 Speaker 1: for almost two years and a few weeks ago. My 4 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:14,280 Speaker 1: father sixty seven male, my brothers two brothers thirty seven 5 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:18,600 Speaker 1: male and forty male, and four friends thirty five male, 6 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:22,280 Speaker 1: thirty seven male, thirty eight and forty one male, while 7 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 1: very drunk, joked about how they can't believe I left 8 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:30,360 Speaker 1: my wife. Oh oh no, Oh my god, oh no, 9 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:35,120 Speaker 1: they said that they all this is everyone, including the father, 10 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:38,160 Speaker 1: the brothers, and the friends, tried to get with her 11 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:43,360 Speaker 1: since the divorce, but she had repeatedly rejected them, saying 12 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,519 Speaker 1: it would be inappropriate and unkind to do such a 13 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:46,920 Speaker 1: thing to me. 14 00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:50,559 Speaker 2: Oh my god, wow, oh my god. 15 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:54,080 Speaker 1: The funny thing is her response. It's like it almost 16 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,640 Speaker 1: is like there's like an addition. It's like I would 17 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,480 Speaker 1: really want to, but I couldn't do that. It would 18 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:02,120 Speaker 1: just be in a prop thought that like I don't 19 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,720 Speaker 1: want to it would be inappropriate. I laughed at what 20 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:07,640 Speaker 1: they were saying, just to ease them in to saying more, 21 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:11,000 Speaker 1: and once they thought I found it funny, they really 22 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:14,919 Speaker 1: opened up. They had all purposely made me feel paranoid 23 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:18,600 Speaker 1: about my ex wife cheating on me and using me, 24 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,119 Speaker 1: because why would a woman like her be with a 25 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: man like me if it wasn't for the money I made? 26 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,360 Speaker 2: Bruh, dump your family. 27 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:31,080 Speaker 1: They often hinted at, or sometimes even directly said that 28 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: she wore the pants in the relationship and that she 29 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:37,640 Speaker 1: was only with me because I'm easily manipulated. I mean, 30 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:41,080 Speaker 1: they're not wrong if they manipulated him into thinking that 31 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,120 Speaker 1: she was cheating on him. 32 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:43,080 Speaker 2: Oh did they? 33 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:46,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what they said. They manipulated him into thinking 34 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:47,840 Speaker 1: that she was cheating on him. 35 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:49,880 Speaker 2: Oh my god, did I miss that? 36 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,920 Speaker 1: Like, obviously this family is terrible, but I feel like 37 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,080 Speaker 1: he did get manipulated by Yeah. 38 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:58,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe there is some truth in that. Yeah. 39 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,600 Speaker 1: They constantly planted negative things into my mind, and you 40 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:04,720 Speaker 1: believe fuck, and he believed them. That sucks. If I 41 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,680 Speaker 1: want to talk with them about something happening in my relationship, 42 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,160 Speaker 1: they would put a negative twist to it, or they 43 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,280 Speaker 1: purposely give me bad advice. I don't think we can 44 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,720 Speaker 1: fault him for like being quote unquote easily manipulated, because 45 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 1: like he trusted these people, like these are his family 46 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:19,480 Speaker 1: and friends. 47 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,800 Speaker 2: This is his dad. Dude, imagine imagine your dad doing 48 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 2: something like that to you. 49 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 1: When I lost my job during COVID, they all hinted 50 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,600 Speaker 1: at how she's definitely cheating now that there's no financial 51 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:33,680 Speaker 1: benefit in being faithful to me. Every line of this 52 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:37,840 Speaker 1: story punches me in the fucking throat. Truly, I obviously 53 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,440 Speaker 1: trusted them and often took their words to heart, and 54 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:44,000 Speaker 1: it ruined my marriage. I frequently argue, so I obviously 55 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:47,600 Speaker 1: trusted them because they're a freaking family, and often took 56 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:51,000 Speaker 1: their words to heart, and it ruined my marriage. I 57 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:54,720 Speaker 1: frequently argued with my wife, and I was always accusing 58 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,920 Speaker 1: her of something or suspecting her of not really loving me. 59 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,760 Speaker 1: As his heartbreaking oh man, I question everything that was 60 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,800 Speaker 1: between us. I often told her bullshit things like how 61 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,239 Speaker 1: I'm a high value man and that she needed to 62 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,720 Speaker 1: appreciate me. And when I was not working for six months, 63 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,799 Speaker 1: I flipped the script and started accusing her of not 64 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:17,200 Speaker 1: respecting me for not working, I was unappreciative of all 65 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,440 Speaker 1: her hard work and for being the one who took 66 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:22,480 Speaker 1: care of our household bills and any other bill during 67 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 1: those six months of unemployment. I continue to let their 68 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,680 Speaker 1: words drive me into paranoia, and I started accusing her 69 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:31,680 Speaker 1: of cheating with her coworkers. So eventually my wife had 70 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:35,680 Speaker 1: enough of my moods, constant mistrust and accusations. She left me. 71 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 1: And to be honest, for a long time, it felt 72 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 1: like it came out of nowhere, and so I had 73 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 1: myself convinced she left me for another man. 74 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 2: Ugh, at what point is it kind of on him for. 75 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:51,080 Speaker 1: Like it's I mean, okay, it's slightly on him for 76 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,520 Speaker 1: like believing all this nonsense. 77 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,880 Speaker 2: With no no proof. 78 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, but this was like, these were trusted family friends, 79 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:04,080 Speaker 1: these were trusted family and they're all telling him. They're like, 80 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 1: it's all like a coordinated attack on it. It's really hard. 81 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:11,560 Speaker 1: It's really hard now here, I am knowing every man 82 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,360 Speaker 1: I've called my family my friend were all my enemies 83 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,159 Speaker 1: who I let destroy my marriage. I obviously lost my 84 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,440 Speaker 1: mind once they were done telling me all the ways 85 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 1: they conspired to ruin my marriage, and we did get 86 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:27,240 Speaker 1: to blows. I've cut off all contact with each and 87 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: every one of them. Boom, Well, shout out to Op 88 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,599 Speaker 1: for at least doing that. Yeah, and that I mean 89 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:36,080 Speaker 1: I'm glad that he did that. Yeah, he's woken up. 90 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:37,880 Speaker 1: I want to reach out to my ex and make 91 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:41,000 Speaker 1: amends and hopefully get her back. My ex wife has 92 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,320 Speaker 1: agreed to meet up with me, and she doesn't know 93 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,600 Speaker 1: exactly what I want to discuss with her. And I 94 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,080 Speaker 1: don't know how to go about making amends and hopefully 95 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,920 Speaker 1: mending a relationship. How do I tell her how much 96 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,960 Speaker 1: I regret everything? And then I want her to give 97 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,120 Speaker 1: me a second chance. Is there even a chance for us? 98 00:04:56,200 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 1: And there is an edit and relevant comments and a 99 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 1: juicy up do you think there is even a chance 100 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:04,760 Speaker 1: for op? 101 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,200 Speaker 2: I will say that there is something to be said 102 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,680 Speaker 2: of like how deep it goes or how far you 103 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,600 Speaker 2: take it, you know, And he's like, I'm a high 104 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,720 Speaker 2: value man and you should do this and that, and 105 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,719 Speaker 2: I don't know, but I think he can if he goes. 106 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:21,000 Speaker 2: And he's like, I was like so completely wrong. All 107 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,080 Speaker 2: of the men that I trusted my life were in 108 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,599 Speaker 2: my ear telling me all of this bs and it 109 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 2: couldn't be further from the truth. And I will do 110 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,760 Speaker 2: whatever it takes to show you that I'm not that person. 111 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,400 Speaker 2: Then I think that's a. 112 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:35,400 Speaker 1: He's not taking accountability. That's true, because that's what it's like, like, yes, 113 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 1: obviously you know the family is terrible for gas lighting him, 114 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:44,440 Speaker 1: but like he's also to blame for believing it too, 115 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:46,760 Speaker 1: and should take some accountability over that. 116 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 2: So edits. 117 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,479 Speaker 1: Some of y'all keep saying you took the words of 118 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,320 Speaker 1: your friends over your wife's, and I don't think that's 119 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,520 Speaker 1: so fair to or a complete assessment. I trusted my 120 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 1: father and my brothers. My father was the main driving 121 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 1: force behind this manipulation campaign. And it's not often that 122 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,880 Speaker 1: your entire family is conspiring against you, and not only 123 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,080 Speaker 1: your family but also your friends. Like he's not taking blame, 124 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:11,120 Speaker 1: but it isn't often that your whole family's conspiring against 125 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,359 Speaker 1: your relationship. I'm not running away from accepting the fact 126 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,239 Speaker 1: that this is wholly my fault in how my marriage ended. 127 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,840 Speaker 1: I take ownership of that. I take ownership of the 128 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:21,039 Speaker 1: fact that I accuse my wife of being a cheater 129 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:21,720 Speaker 1: or a user. 130 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 2: I regret at all. 131 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 1: If my ex wife doesn't accept my apology, I would 132 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,359 Speaker 1: accept it gracefully. If she said she never wanted to 133 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,880 Speaker 1: talk to me or get back together, I'd also accept it. 134 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:31,800 Speaker 1: I would not stand in the way. I would not 135 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 1: change her mind. I wish her well and leave her 136 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:37,440 Speaker 1: Bete Well, they certainly knew you're easy to manipulate, don't they. 137 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,599 Speaker 1: I'm glad you cut these people off, and I would 138 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,200 Speaker 1: also make a concerned effort to hear your ex out. 139 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,240 Speaker 1: I don't know if she'll ever forgive you, but at 140 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 1: least give her closure if that's what she needs, Opie. 141 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,800 Speaker 1: As much as it hurts to read this and to 142 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,200 Speaker 1: see myself as such a person, it is true I 143 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:56,920 Speaker 1: trusted these men. I especially trusted my father and my brothers. 144 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:00,320 Speaker 1: I never thought my own family would be plot to 145 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 1: ruin my marriage and get with my wife because they 146 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,960 Speaker 1: were all trying to sleep with his wife. I absolutely 147 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,760 Speaker 1: won't get in the way of her unburdening herself. I 148 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 1: can only hope she can find a way to forgive 149 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:12,480 Speaker 1: me and possibly trying to get back together. But I'm 150 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,080 Speaker 1: not holding my breath. I would respect her wishes, even 151 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 1: if that means she'll never forgive me. And then Jess 152 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,600 Speaker 1: Moju says, so are you telling me that your dad 153 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 1: and your brothers tried to get with your wife? Island 154 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,240 Speaker 1: Lord eight three to Ozho says, I'm shocked that they 155 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 1: are still alive after a confession like that. 156 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:27,600 Speaker 2: I don't know. 157 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:32,000 Speaker 1: Man, Bahamians just too volatile to hear something like that 158 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:36,320 Speaker 1: and not just go off. That's just vile, OPI responds. 159 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,600 Speaker 1: I didn't include the violence that broke out once I 160 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,240 Speaker 1: heard it all because I didn't want to get this 161 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 1: post banned. Blood was spilled, and of course I got 162 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,080 Speaker 1: my ass beat because it was seven against one. But 163 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,640 Speaker 1: I did do damage in an ambulance and the police 164 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 1: were called. None of us pressed charges against each other 165 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 1: and left it at that. Honestly, I am still raging 166 00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 1: and I've been heartbroken since. On Sunday, I got to 167 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:06,440 Speaker 1: meet up with my ex wife. I apologize profusely, and 168 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:10,480 Speaker 1: she was kind and understanding, but then that she couldn't 169 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,280 Speaker 1: and wouldn't forgive me. She said that it simply isn't 170 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,840 Speaker 1: her nature to forgive, and that despite it all, she 171 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,440 Speaker 1: holds no grudges or anger against me and wishes me 172 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:21,000 Speaker 1: nothing but goodness in my life. She did give me 173 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,040 Speaker 1: some advice and told me that I have been in 174 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:26,200 Speaker 1: an abusive relationship all my life and that in order 175 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,680 Speaker 1: to heal whatever is broken in me, that I should 176 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,560 Speaker 1: cut out my father as he sets the tone for 177 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,920 Speaker 1: my treatment. By the rest of my family. She had 178 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,920 Speaker 1: pointed out the many ways my father has hurt me 179 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:40,040 Speaker 1: or had encouraged my family to mistreat me. She said, 180 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:44,000 Speaker 1: I'd always be stagnated and unhappy if i continue to 181 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:47,240 Speaker 1: associate myself with my family and former friends. I told 182 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,440 Speaker 1: her that I cut them out of my life and 183 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:52,120 Speaker 1: that I've got my first therapy session scheduled in a 184 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,560 Speaker 1: few days. She said she was proud of me for 185 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:58,359 Speaker 1: taking my first step into healing. Our conversation was heartfelt 186 00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:02,400 Speaker 1: and emotionally stating as we discussed the many ways our 187 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,120 Speaker 1: marriage had failed, as well as the abuse of experience 188 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,600 Speaker 1: by my father and family. We cried the entire time. 189 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:13,280 Speaker 1: We cried a lot. We ended our conversation with a 190 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:17,200 Speaker 1: long hug, and then we said our goodbyes. Forgiveness is 191 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,640 Speaker 1: earned through a change behavior and recognition of your harm, 192 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 1: but it isn't guaranteed or something you deserve. Some things 193 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,680 Speaker 1: shouldn't be forgiven, and that doesn't mean it eats away 194 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,720 Speaker 1: at that person or that it somehow holds them back. 195 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 1: So I do agree with her when she said that 196 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,680 Speaker 1: you don't need to forgive her in order to heal 197 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,680 Speaker 1: or gain emotional maturity, and sometimes forgiveness is not even 198 00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:37,360 Speaker 1: option for her. This is one of those things that 199 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,760 Speaker 1: she simply can't and won't forgive, And all I can 200 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,400 Speaker 1: do is accept it. As much as I'd like her forgiveness, 201 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:45,800 Speaker 1: it simply is not available to me. And that is 202 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:46,920 Speaker 1: perfectly fine. 203 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,680 Speaker 2: I think that she was like pretty gracious. She's like, hey, 204 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:51,800 Speaker 2: I like truly do wish you the best. I want 205 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,280 Speaker 2: good things for you. I'm happy and proud of your progress. 206 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,319 Speaker 2: Yet at the same time, like it's not going to 207 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:58,640 Speaker 2: work for me getting back together. 208 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 1: But for me, actually he was a good ending, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 209 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,920 Speaker 1: Like that's what Kletzi Mause says. It was a good ending. 210 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 1: Cassandra Leanard said it was the best outcome because she 211 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,800 Speaker 1: talked to him, yes, and they talked about how like 212 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,400 Speaker 1: she actually saw this abusive relationship between him and his 213 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,960 Speaker 1: family this entire time. He's getting therapy. I mean that's amazing. 214 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,720 Speaker 1: He's getting therapy. He's like trying to get himself out 215 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:23,920 Speaker 1: of this hole that his family has been putting him 216 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,720 Speaker 1: in his entire life. What is good is from this 217 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,680 Speaker 1: point his life is going to get better. But let's 218 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,000 Speaker 1: get into this next story. 219 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,000 Speaker 2: Am I the a hole for going to my birthday 220 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,959 Speaker 2: dinner without my husband when he wasn't ready on time. 221 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:39,560 Speaker 2: I was at my fortieth birthday I'm forty female a 222 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:41,880 Speaker 2: few days ago and we had a reservation for a 223 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,480 Speaker 2: table at a nice restaurant for seven pm. It takes 224 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,840 Speaker 2: about twenty minutes to drive to the restaurant, so I 225 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:49,360 Speaker 2: planned to leave the house at around six thirty to 226 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,840 Speaker 2: build in time for traffic and picking up my father. 227 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,960 Speaker 2: My husband, forty three, Mail, had decided to do a 228 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,640 Speaker 2: bit of work on his car about half an hour 229 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:01,960 Speaker 2: before we needed to leave. He hadn't changed and hadn't showered. 230 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,400 Speaker 2: I told him to get ready to go quick, but 231 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 2: it got to six point fifty and he still wasn't 232 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 2: ready yet, so I decided to leave without him. He 233 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,720 Speaker 2: has a habit of always running late when he goes out, 234 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,360 Speaker 2: and he is always the last one to be ready. Normally, 235 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 2: I can tolerate it because it only says thing back 236 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,240 Speaker 2: by ten minutes at most, But my birthday dinner was 237 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 2: important to me and I had been looking forward to 238 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,480 Speaker 2: it for weeks. Making us wait twenty minutes was making 239 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,680 Speaker 2: the mick. So I yelled out that we were leaving, 240 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,680 Speaker 2: and we left because I didn't want to lose the 241 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,960 Speaker 2: table since we should have arrived at seven to twenty. 242 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 2: I called the restaurant to let them know that we 243 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,560 Speaker 2: would be late, and luckily we still got our table. 244 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 2: But my husband didn't show up at the restaurant, and 245 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 2: when we got home, he was mad at me. That's crazy, 246 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,360 Speaker 2: he like, was he was already making them late. Yeah, 247 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:52,640 Speaker 2: and then he doesn't show up to his wife's fortieth birthday. 248 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,560 Speaker 1: Come on, it's just a number, age. 249 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,240 Speaker 2: Age eight, nothing number, huh, I know another guy? He 250 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,839 Speaker 2: said that I told him that I was tired of 251 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,840 Speaker 2: him not respecting my time and always making people wait 252 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:05,640 Speaker 2: for him, and that he could have made his own 253 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,319 Speaker 2: way to the restaurant. My father agreed with my decision 254 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,559 Speaker 2: to leave without him, but my kids were a little 255 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,720 Speaker 2: upset that he wasn't there to have dinner with us. 256 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,000 Speaker 2: So am I a whole? 257 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,360 Speaker 1: I don't think he's a hole, but the husband sounds 258 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:18,679 Speaker 1: like the ahole for sure. 259 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,319 Speaker 2: We got some other relevant comments here. When you say 260 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,160 Speaker 2: the kids are upset, do you mean that they're upset 261 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,640 Speaker 2: with him or you I hope him. Yes, the kids 262 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,679 Speaker 2: were upset with my husband that he wasn't ready and 263 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,319 Speaker 2: because I was stressing, they thought that he didn't want 264 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:32,520 Speaker 2: to spend any time with us. 265 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:36,680 Speaker 1: Oh, so the kids thought that their dad didn't want 266 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 1: to spend time with them. Yes, that is heartbreaking. I mean, 267 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,600 Speaker 1: if your kids ever think that about you, you're doing 268 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 1: something wrong. That is, you're doing something wrong. 269 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,440 Speaker 2: They have personally been let down by him when it 270 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,280 Speaker 2: comes to things like him picking them up for a 271 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,920 Speaker 2: friend's house, et cetera. Another question, is he late for 272 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,480 Speaker 2: things he wants to do or other things? Opie says, 273 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,920 Speaker 2: he is always out of the house on time for work, 274 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,040 Speaker 2: and yesterday he went to the pub with some friends 275 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:03,280 Speaker 2: and he wasn't late for that. He tends to only 276 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,960 Speaker 2: be late for things including the family. 277 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,160 Speaker 1: You know what, it sounds like it sounds like he 278 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,920 Speaker 1: is late for things that he doesn't care about. 279 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:14,360 Speaker 2: Conspiracy theory. Oh oh, let's talk about it. Let's talk 280 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 2: about it. 281 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:21,880 Speaker 1: Cheating Like he's he's literally always out, yeah, always out, 282 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,240 Speaker 1: not really paying attention to his family, not really paying 283 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,880 Speaker 1: attention to his wife. It sounds like he's like trying 284 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:30,359 Speaker 1: to emotionally distance himself from his family. 285 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,800 Speaker 2: In a way. He is always late when it comes 286 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,959 Speaker 2: to family plans, it's rarely this bad, though. It's normally 287 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,120 Speaker 2: things like getting changed when it hits time that I 288 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,760 Speaker 2: wanted to leave, or needing to find his water keys, 289 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,920 Speaker 2: uh and such with no sense of urgency. I was 290 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,680 Speaker 2: to stay at home mom until a few years ago. 291 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:47,760 Speaker 2: He changed when I went back to work, although I 292 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,000 Speaker 2: don't understand how that would affect his time management unless 293 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,520 Speaker 2: there is a different reason for him being late. Are 294 00:13:53,559 --> 00:13:55,320 Speaker 2: we at the point yet of a divorce? 295 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,600 Speaker 1: He We're not at the point. I don't think we're 296 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,319 Speaker 1: at that point of the divorce. Yeah, I think we're 297 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,840 Speaker 1: at the point of a real conversation because he's not 298 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,200 Speaker 1: prioritizing the family. 299 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:06,480 Speaker 2: Real conversation, real conversation, real conversation. Did he know when 300 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,640 Speaker 2: you were supposed to leave? That is actually a good question. 301 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 2: He was well aware of when he needed to leave. 302 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 2: I always give everyone a thirty minute warning, and it 303 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,760 Speaker 2: was in the diary for weeks. Someone says, does he 304 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,920 Speaker 2: have ADHD? I don't think that he is ADHD. He 305 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,800 Speaker 2: was on time for things until a few years ago. Again, 306 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,640 Speaker 2: also when OP went back to work. 307 00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:28,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, dude, seems kinda says and he is on time 308 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,800 Speaker 1: for work and his own plans that don't include the family. 309 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:34,280 Speaker 2: This is a top common exchange commenter, not the ahole. 310 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 2: You were already late when you left. If you waited 311 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 2: any longer, you wouldn't have a table and thus no 312 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:42,040 Speaker 2: birthday party when you got home. You should have torn 313 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:45,440 Speaker 2: him a new one for deliberately trying to sabotage your birthday. 314 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,920 Speaker 2: Put him on the defensive where he should be for 315 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,800 Speaker 2: his behavior. Really, though, when your husband decided to do 316 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,840 Speaker 2: some work on his car, you should have said, no, 317 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:55,440 Speaker 2: you're not going to do that. You're going upstairs and 318 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,200 Speaker 2: get and gonna get ready to leave with us. 319 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:01,520 Speaker 1: This was a totally predictable problem wife's birthday. The only 320 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:03,400 Speaker 1: thing you should be working on is her. I have 321 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,240 Speaker 1: a question, yep, Yeah, what's your question, Riley? 322 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,120 Speaker 2: Where's the line? If he's gonna keep doing this mister birthday, 323 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,600 Speaker 2: when should it be cause for divorce? Well? 324 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:14,280 Speaker 1: I think you have the conversation and then if nothing changes, divorce. 325 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,160 Speaker 2: Yeah. In general, you should stop tolerating his lateness. When 326 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,200 Speaker 2: you do that, it gets worse, not better, to which 327 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,240 Speaker 2: Opie replies, I've brought it up multiple times before, but 328 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,600 Speaker 2: nothing has changed. I do admit that I can be 329 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,680 Speaker 2: a pushover when it comes to waiting for him, but 330 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,880 Speaker 2: I'm sick of having to put other things on hold 331 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,240 Speaker 2: in order to check if he's ready and being late 332 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 2: to family plan. He was late for my mother's funeral 333 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:34,880 Speaker 2: last year. 334 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:39,040 Speaker 1: Not only was he late to Opie's fortieth birthday, he 335 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 1: was late to Ope's mother's funeral, straight to jail. 336 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,200 Speaker 2: He was late to your mother's funeral. He had a 337 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 2: meeting he couldn't miss a few hours before the funeral started. 338 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:52,040 Speaker 2: He said it overran, but didn't actually apologize. You live 339 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:56,640 Speaker 2: like this, OPI maybe not for much longer. Oh, counseling 340 00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,040 Speaker 2: question Mark. I've actually brought up counseling before, but he 341 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,600 Speaker 2: wasn't interested. He said it was a waste of money 342 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:07,320 Speaker 2: and time. Honestly, I'm not interested either anymore. I think 343 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,240 Speaker 2: we are past the point of it doing any good. 344 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:14,520 Speaker 1: Okay, SOPs like I think I'm gonna divorce. 345 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,920 Speaker 2: Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've reached the update. Firstly, and 346 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,200 Speaker 2: most importantly, thank you all so much for your support 347 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,280 Speaker 2: and advice. It really means a lot to me since 348 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 2: so many of you have helped me out. I thought 349 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,800 Speaker 2: I would give an update on how things have been 350 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,440 Speaker 2: over the past couple of weeks. My eldest had a 351 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,000 Speaker 2: school football match last week, a few days after I 352 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,480 Speaker 2: posted my original post. I planned for us to leave 353 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,160 Speaker 2: round five pm, and as for my resolution to not 354 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,000 Speaker 2: tolerate his tardiness anymore, I left at five pm without 355 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,000 Speaker 2: my husband since he wasn't ready. Stick to your guns, girl, 356 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,680 Speaker 2: stick to your reins. Just like my birthday dinner, he 357 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,440 Speaker 2: didn't show up at all. My youngest and I ended 358 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,920 Speaker 2: up having a lovely time watching the match and supporting 359 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 2: my eldest. He even scored a goal and his team won. 360 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,160 Speaker 2: Last weekend, I met with a couple of friends to 361 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,680 Speaker 2: catch up over lunch, and both of my sons were 362 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,320 Speaker 2: going to their friend's birthday party the same day. My 363 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:05,919 Speaker 2: husband was in charge of dropping them off. Since my 364 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,800 Speaker 2: thing began an hour before the party. I told him 365 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,439 Speaker 2: a week in advance, the day before and before I 366 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,080 Speaker 2: left the house for my thing, that he needed to 367 00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:18,320 Speaker 2: get the kids to the party on time. I even 368 00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:20,879 Speaker 2: followed the advice of some comments from my original post 369 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:23,800 Speaker 2: and told him that the party began at twelve thirty 370 00:17:24,359 --> 00:17:28,080 Speaker 2: instead of one pm, so the kids won't be late 371 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,760 Speaker 2: if my husband wasn't ready to be on time. At 372 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:34,280 Speaker 2: one thirty, no, I got a call from the birthday 373 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:40,960 Speaker 2: boy's dad asking if my sons were still coming. Oh dude, dude, 374 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 2: it's not that hard. My husband had not taken them. 375 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 2: I rang him several times and he wouldn't pick up. 376 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,679 Speaker 2: So I called my eldest and he answered the phone 377 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,760 Speaker 2: in tears. He said that dad was doing work on 378 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:57,439 Speaker 2: his car again, and when the kids asked him to 379 00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,760 Speaker 2: take him to the party, he yelled at them and 380 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,760 Speaker 2: call them whiny brats. I want to punch this maid 381 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 2: in the face. I said goodbye to my friends and 382 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,239 Speaker 2: went home to take my kids to their party. They 383 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,120 Speaker 2: were an hour late. He didn't care that the kids 384 00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:13,920 Speaker 2: felt humiliated and missed a good deal of the party, 385 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 2: which also meant that their friend was upset at them 386 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:17,880 Speaker 2: one hundred percent. 387 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,639 Speaker 1: And also, it's like even more annoying is it's not 388 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,960 Speaker 1: like he has a meeting. It's not like there's some 389 00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:26,399 Speaker 1: like a big important business thing, which would not be okay. Still, 390 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,960 Speaker 1: but at least it's like a little better. It's like 391 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,520 Speaker 1: he is working on a car. 392 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:34,840 Speaker 2: Could you imagine trying to like go to your friend 393 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,119 Speaker 2: and be like hey, like as who knows, hell the 394 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,080 Speaker 2: other ten or whatever fifteen who knows going to them 395 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,280 Speaker 2: and being like hey, So my dad was like working 396 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:43,879 Speaker 2: on a car and he kind of like refused to 397 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:44,360 Speaker 2: take us. 398 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like all right, Like let's like dumb it down. 399 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,960 Speaker 1: It's like if if if John needed me to take 400 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,960 Speaker 1: him to the airport, and I would be like, yeah, 401 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,960 Speaker 1: I could do that, and then he's like all right, Sam, 402 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,640 Speaker 1: were ready to take me to the airport. It's like, sorry, dude, 403 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:57,240 Speaker 1: I got to work on my lego set and I'm 404 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,040 Speaker 1: just building the lego set because I want to at 405 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,920 Speaker 1: that time, dude, and then you miss your flight. 406 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:04,000 Speaker 2: At this point, something inside me snapped and I decided 407 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 2: I was done good. Your comments have put my marriage 408 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,760 Speaker 2: and my husband's behavior into perspective and opened my eyes. 409 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,000 Speaker 2: I've had to look at some of the literature and 410 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,360 Speaker 2: such that some of you have recommended, and I've talked 411 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,359 Speaker 2: to my dad about what to do next. I spoke 412 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,680 Speaker 2: to the kids as well about the very likely possibility 413 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,000 Speaker 2: of their father and I splitting. They weren't completely happy 414 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,600 Speaker 2: with it, the kids, which is understandable, but they agreed 415 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,640 Speaker 2: that it was the right decision. They said they felt 416 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,840 Speaker 2: scared of their father on several recent occasions and didn't 417 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:36,679 Speaker 2: trust them anymore, which was heart breaking to hear. I 418 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,439 Speaker 2: haven't been happy for a while, and neither have the kids. 419 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,040 Speaker 2: But now I realize, in addition to my husband being 420 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:44,320 Speaker 2: late or not showing up at all, there are other 421 00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:46,919 Speaker 2: issues in our relationship, and you have helped me realize 422 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,560 Speaker 2: the truth about his treatment of our family and given 423 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,200 Speaker 2: me the strength I need to put a stop to wit. 424 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,920 Speaker 2: I can no longer justify his behavior or make excuses 425 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,240 Speaker 2: for him. Along with him being linked to my mother's funeral, 426 00:19:58,359 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 2: he offered no emotional support when she died to me 427 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:05,040 Speaker 2: or the kids, which should have been enough to make 428 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:08,680 Speaker 2: me seriously reconsider my marriage, but I'm glad it finally 429 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:12,600 Speaker 2: happened now. I told my husband how I felt and 430 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:16,439 Speaker 2: sent him my original post. To be honest, I have 431 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,240 Speaker 2: no interest in marriage counseling. I just want to move 432 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,560 Speaker 2: on with my life. But I suggested that he look 433 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:25,439 Speaker 2: into therapy for himself. I explained that it didn't feel 434 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,399 Speaker 2: like he was part of the family anymore, and that 435 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,439 Speaker 2: our sons and I were struggling with the strain of 436 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,840 Speaker 2: our marriage, and I'm sure he was too. It's not 437 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,600 Speaker 2: a healthy environment for me, my sons, or my husband, 438 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,760 Speaker 2: and I can't let my kids miss out because their 439 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,120 Speaker 2: father's incompetence any longer. I told him that I want 440 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:44,200 Speaker 2: a divorce, as I'm sure many of you predicted. He accepted. 441 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,320 Speaker 2: He told me that he no longer wants any involvement 442 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,720 Speaker 2: in anything to do with the family and will move 443 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,680 Speaker 2: out a sap wall. 444 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,280 Speaker 1: He doesn't want anything to do with the family anything. 445 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,359 Speaker 1: He definitely has another family. 446 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,959 Speaker 2: Or at least another mistress or something. Yeah, he is something. 447 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:01,080 Speaker 2: My sons and I will go about our lives and 448 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,520 Speaker 2: the soon to be ex husband will go about his. 449 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:06,359 Speaker 2: I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders. 450 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,000 Speaker 2: You are all my heroes, and I'll be forever grateful. 451 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:10,080 Speaker 2: Thank you.