Speaker 1: I actually think comparisons and competition is great for legacy building.
Speaker 2: Hmmm, that's a good one.
Speaker 3: I mean, maybe it's the former pageant girl in me,
Speaker 3: but I welcome competition with other.
Speaker 2: Women, even as a black woman, even as a black woman.
Speaker 4: Dead ass.
Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 4: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Speaker 2: Voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Speaker 4: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 4: Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 4: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 4: is a term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts
Speaker 1: one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
Speaker 1: the truth.
Speaker 4: We about to think a little talk to our whole
Speaker 4: new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: This was actually earlier this year. I was a guest
Speaker 1: on the Sherry Shepherd Show. Shout out to Sherry, and
Speaker 1: I was there for Sisters with kJ Smith kJ Smith
Speaker 1: shout out kJ Smith Official aka Andy and stephen A.
Speaker 4: Smith was also on the show, and this was.
Speaker 1: Actually a week prior to the Super Bowl, and I
Speaker 1: remember sitting in the back and I remember Sherry asking
Speaker 1: stephen A like, Hey, what do you think.
Speaker 4: About the Super Bowl?
Speaker 1: About while they were talking about and said, what do
Speaker 1: you think about Rihanna performing at the halftime show?
Speaker 4: And stephen A.
Speaker 1: Smith said so eloquently and in his best stephen A
Speaker 1: Smith voice, she.
Speaker 4: Ain't be I mean, she's a superstar.
Speaker 1: And the internet went crazy. They went blistic Banana's Berserka ballistic.
Speaker 1: And when I was back there, I remember saying to myself,
Speaker 1: I don't think this is gonna go over well, but
Speaker 1: we're gonna discuss this later. I also remember thinking to myself,
Speaker 1: I don't understand what the big deal is, so let's
Speaker 1: discuss this.
Speaker 3: Okay, bring it down karaoke time, we're taking it back.
Speaker 3: We're talking about the myth of or is it a
Speaker 3: myth or is it actually something that happens where we're
Speaker 3: putting women, particularly Black women, against each other. So I
Speaker 3: feel like we should all just be friends. And since
Speaker 3: we all should just be friends, this song came to mind.
Speaker 3: Friends may come in and friends may go, but you
Speaker 3: should know that no, I got your back. It's automatic,
Speaker 3: so never to come because I'm your sister and always
Speaker 3: call it. And I don't know what I ever with
Speaker 3: that sip. From the beginning and to the end, You've
Speaker 3: always been here right beside. So I call you my
Speaker 3: best friend, through the good times and the bad. Once
Speaker 3: where the d if I win.
Speaker 4: Oh, you was on the road.
Speaker 1: That's the that's the longest karaoke we've done in a
Speaker 1: long time.
Speaker 2: Changes and that's why you're my best friend.
Speaker 4: You struggled in the last I know it's all right.
Speaker 2: You see how in my pajamas.
Speaker 4: I said first, But we both okay.
Speaker 5: We just got off press six straight weeks, almost seven
Speaker 5: spilled into seven weeks, and I've.
Speaker 1: Been doing press since before that because of Sisters. So
Speaker 1: I'm on nine weeks. You're on nine weeks weeks and
Speaker 1: it's not gonna stop because I guys a team went.
Speaker 3: From Sisters to the book tour to podcast live shows,
Speaker 3: which we have for y'all mixed up in here.
Speaker 2: We tired.
Speaker 3: I got my Christmas pajamas on because you know, one
Speaker 3: thing that makes me happy is Christmas time, so don't
Speaker 3: judge me if you're watching the video. Here I have
Speaker 3: on Christmas pajamas and a blanket because I'm tired, and
Speaker 3: I rolled out of bed barely did my hair think.
Speaker 2: Shout out to you know for this.
Speaker 4: Oh weeve take soon.
Speaker 2: It's a little stale faced, little stale today. But you know,
Speaker 2: we here, we here. I'm sitting next to my best friend.
Speaker 4: But we here for a minute. But we do got
Speaker 4: to go and take a break.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, pay some bills, do that.
Speaker 4: So we here, but we're not here. We'll be right
Speaker 4: back down a little bit after.
Speaker 2: We need a shout of espresso.
Speaker 4: We'll pay some bills.
Speaker 2: All right, we're back, Yes, we're back.
Speaker 4: And shout out to all our Patreon subscribers.
Speaker 2: Many gang gang a heavy, heavy, heavy heavy, let us
Speaker 2: know for sure. All right.
Speaker 3: So we're talking today about the myth or is it
Speaker 3: not really a myth of pitting black women against each
Speaker 3: other women in general? And this is coming off of
Speaker 3: the storytime that you told about being at the Sherry
Speaker 3: Shepherd Show when Steven A. Smith was pulled through the
Speaker 3: mug or his comment about Rihanna and Beyonce.
Speaker 1: And and just to be you know, just to be
Speaker 1: fair to to stephen A. He's paid to opine. True,
Speaker 1: he's he's paid to give his opinion and also create
Speaker 1: comparisons because in sports commentary that's one of the greatest
Speaker 1: debates is who's the greatest, who's the best?
Speaker 2: List?
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: So every time you sit with a group of men,
Speaker 3: and this is even just being on tour recently, much
Speaker 3: of the conversation was who's the goat, Lebron, this one,
Speaker 3: that one's stats said Lebron.
Speaker 1: You can't say who's the goat, say Lebron and not
Speaker 1: say Jordan. That's the first thing, Like, see, this is
Speaker 1: my problem. I'm I'm just yeah, but you mentioned Lebron.
Speaker 1: You have to mention Jordan Lebron or Jordan thank you,
Speaker 1: and put Jordan first.
Speaker 4: See what I'm saying. What happens though.
Speaker 3: I want no smoke, trust me, I don't want no stroke.
Speaker 3: Savannah's the homie. I ain't coming for your husband. I'm
Speaker 3: just saying the fact that y'all remember each other's stats,
Speaker 3: like the stats for these players and everything.
Speaker 2: It's like that's likerd core. That's what y'all.
Speaker 1: Do you want to know why, because if we're being honest,
Speaker 1: there is no one way to decide who is the
Speaker 1: greatest everyone. Yeah, well not everyone, right there, they are literally,
Speaker 1: especially in basketball, there are three people who qualify to
Speaker 1: be the greatest. Kareem's Michael Jordan, and it's Lebron James.
Speaker 1: Those are the three who people say qualify, right And
Speaker 1: if you ask people, depending on whatever they watched, lived in,
Speaker 1: or subscribe to, they're going to have a different answer
Speaker 1: for sure. You know, I've heard some older mens they
Speaker 1: don't even talk to me about Michael Jordan. Kareem Abdul
Speaker 1: Jabbar won every title since high school, four in college,
Speaker 1: and then in the NBA. He was the all time
Speaker 1: leader in sports in points before Lebron James just took
Speaker 1: over that mantle. So there are certain people to be like,
Speaker 1: don't even talk to me about anybody else other than Kareem.
Speaker 1: Then you have people who grow up in the nineties
Speaker 1: who watched Michael Jordan win six championships, two to three peats,
Speaker 1: ten scoring titles, defensive player of the Year, who says
Speaker 1: Michael Jordan was the most dominant player ever. But now
Speaker 1: if you watch him, Lebron James has played twenty years
Speaker 1: average twenty five seven and seven, came back from a
Speaker 1: three to one deficit beat the seventy three and nine.
Speaker 4: All of his team has four titles.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, So there's no way to
Speaker 1: definitively say who is the best.
Speaker 3: But what I'm saying is what a favorite pastime of
Speaker 3: men is debating, is debating on who's the greatest, going
Speaker 3: through competition, you know who's better than who, pulling out
Speaker 3: the facts and the stats.
Speaker 2: That's what y'all do.
Speaker 3: That's what we're doing to do right, Whereas with women particularly,
Speaker 3: we're not necessarily signing up to do that. And then
Speaker 3: the question is why, so we're going to talk.
Speaker 1: About that today, And that's that's what I don't understand,
Speaker 1: is like why when we do it to men and
Speaker 1: women often do it to men as well. For example,
Speaker 1: I think it was BT, their social team was run
Speaker 1: by a team of black women.
Speaker 4: Put up a picture of Michael B.
Speaker 1: Jordan and Jonathan Majors and they put fine and finer.
Speaker 2: But who was standing where though?
Speaker 1: Who?
Speaker 4: They had Michael B.
Speaker 1: Jordan at fine and they had Jonathan Majors at finer,
Speaker 1: and they put this post up And the first thing
Speaker 1: I said was, could you imagine if a social media
Speaker 1: page ran by men put up a picture of two
Speaker 1: black women and put fine and find her? They would
Speaker 1: get drugged through the mud, as if why do we
Speaker 1: have to compare and why does one have to be
Speaker 1: better than the other. But then you have a social
Speaker 1: media platform run by black women who claimed that they
Speaker 1: don't want that to happen to them doing this openly,
Speaker 1: and it was okay. And the crazy part is, I
Speaker 1: don't think Jonathan Majors or Michael B. Jordan took offense
Speaker 1: to it because they feel away.
Speaker 4: No, because they actually.
Speaker 1: Did an interview recently and the interviewer was asking them
Speaker 1: in real time who was more handsome, who was more popping,
Speaker 1: who was the sexiest man. It was jokingly, but she
Speaker 1: was asking them to when they kept passing the butt, like, no,
Speaker 1: it's him, Know it's him, Know it's him.
Speaker 4: It was all funny game.
Speaker 1: But once again, if a man had asked two women
Speaker 1: who was more fine in that moment.
Speaker 4: It would be a big deal.
Speaker 1: Now, of course I understand the context of women being
Speaker 1: objectified and over sexualized. You know, it's definitely different power.
Speaker 1: So we can already put that out there that we
Speaker 1: understand the difference. But what I'm saying is in the
Speaker 1: case of stephen A, right and what he says, she's
Speaker 1: no Beyonce, and they.
Speaker 4: Attacked stephen A. This is how I view it.
Speaker 1: Right, whenever you compare to greats, what you do is
Speaker 1: you keep their legacy going.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 1: For example, Rihanna hadn't made music in five years, but
Speaker 1: here we are comparing her to a woman who is
Speaker 1: known as the greatest entertainer in our time? Is that
Speaker 1: really a shot at Rihanna? Now, the way he said it,
Speaker 1: she ain't no Beyonce, people will say that, right.
Speaker 2: There's a way to say it for sure. So that
Speaker 2: already was combative.
Speaker 4: That is combative.
Speaker 1: But in his defense, when they talk about Lebron James,
Speaker 1: they say, he ain't no Michael Jordan.
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: When they were comparing up and coming athletes to Lebron James,
Speaker 1: there was he ain't no Lebron James, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. So it's like, I don't think they were
Speaker 1: used to how he uses those words, so they they
Speaker 1: took it out of context and made it something that
Speaker 1: it wasn't.
Speaker 4: He wasn't saying that Rihanna isn't great in her own right.
Speaker 1: He was just saying, you know, if we're going to
Speaker 1: have a conversation, especially about the super Bowl, one of
Speaker 1: the greatest Super Bowl performance in recent history was by Beyonce.
Speaker 3: So I'm wondering if the real issue here is the
Speaker 3: fact that a black man was saying this about two
Speaker 3: black women, or is the real issue that black women
Speaker 3: in general are compared, Because when we compare each other
Speaker 3: amongst ourselves, it can be seen as being caddy, being petty,
Speaker 3: or just vying for maybe a man's attention or vying
Speaker 3: for the public's attention, right, Whereas when men compete, they're
Speaker 3: just seen as like, you know, this is that sex
Speaker 3: like what men do? Right?
Speaker 1: Well, you tell me, I actually kind of want to know,
Speaker 1: because it would be hard for me to mansplain why
Speaker 1: women feel a way when they're compared.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: I don't get it because I feel like if I
Speaker 1: were compared to someone who's great in the field that
Speaker 1: I'm doing in, my first thing would be like, dang,
Speaker 1: you're comparing me to somebody who is.
Speaker 3: Right to even be in that arena or to be
Speaker 3: in that discussion, right for example, when we went to
Speaker 3: Barnes and Nobles bookstore, I forget what state we were
Speaker 3: in for the book tour. They said, oh, you know,
Speaker 3: you guys are New York Times bestsellers. You're going to
Speaker 3: go on this wall here at the front of the
Speaker 3: store with Michelle Obama's book, with Chris Harry's book, and
Speaker 3: I forget there was one more book that was another
Speaker 3: New York Times bestseller book.
Speaker 2: I forgot the other one. But it's the fact that
Speaker 2: who is it.
Speaker 3: Oh, Pamela Anderson, That's who it was, Thank you, Josh.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, shoot, just to be in that conversation
Speaker 3: and that group of people, I'm like, we're in good company,
Speaker 3: you know. So that to me was just like to
Speaker 3: be in that discussion already. So I can understand that mindset.
Speaker 3: So let's jump to the run of show. Men who
Speaker 3: compete are seen as beasts, but when women compete, their
Speaker 3: behavior is diminished as being caddie petty or simply vine
Speaker 3: for a man's attention. When black women compete, the scarcity
Speaker 3: mindset is that there's not enough success available for all
Speaker 3: of us to take over.
Speaker 2: So is that right?
Speaker 3: And can women really be competitive without being accused of
Speaker 3: being pitted against one another. Is competition reserved only for men?
Speaker 3: Let's unpack what that looks like.
Speaker 1: So well, here's my first thing, though, is like, who
Speaker 1: is deciding that competition is only for men? And the
Speaker 1: reason why I ask this question is is if women
Speaker 1: get upset that you can't compete without it being healthy competition,
Speaker 1: aren't women the reason why women can't compete?
Speaker 2: Well, I don't think competition needs to be reserved for men.
Speaker 3: I think about just even myself, going back to my
Speaker 3: pageant days for example, right as a ten eleven year old.
Speaker 3: First of all, that's something that you sign up for, right,
Speaker 3: You sign up for that, and you know exactly what
Speaker 3: you're signing up for. You are getting into a competition
Speaker 3: where this set of judges are going to pretty much
Speaker 3: decide who they feel should prevail as the winner. So
Speaker 3: naturally you're standing there. I remember my pageant days. I
Speaker 3: was standing there on sometimes stages within a group of
Speaker 3: one hundred and fifty girls in New York vuying for
Speaker 3: this title. And you're being compared about how you look
Speaker 3: in a gown, You're being compared to others how eloquently
Speaker 3: you can speak in an interview, like how you will
Speaker 3: represent your state. They're looking for a particular kind of thing.
Speaker 3: And it's funny because they would say, as like a
Speaker 3: last kind of final words before they announce the winner.
Speaker 3: This is the person that was chosen on this night
Speaker 3: based on these group of judges. Had it been a
Speaker 3: different night, under different circumstances, different group of judges, somebody
Speaker 3: else will probably win. So then it comes down to
Speaker 3: a matter of preference, right, it comes down to a
Speaker 3: matter of who's prevailing on that night. So you already
Speaker 3: sign up knowing that you are going to be competing
Speaker 3: against each other.
Speaker 2: So it can do two things.
Speaker 3: It can either force one person to prevail as the
Speaker 3: best of the best because they're trying their best. They're,
Speaker 3: you know, look their best in their gown, they're feeling
Speaker 3: their best, they're prepared for the interview portion like that's
Speaker 3: what they're doing in that space. And then you have
Speaker 3: other women who may be in this competition thinking, man,
Speaker 3: like did I do my best? So now I'm looking
Speaker 3: at everyone around me to see how I compare and
Speaker 3: meet up to the women who I think is prettier
Speaker 3: or damn like she's taller, oh wow, her hair is
Speaker 3: better darn like I should have used that makeup artist. Like,
Speaker 3: there's so many things now that starts to go into
Speaker 3: your mind. So whereas you may be coming into this
Speaker 3: confident thinking man, I got this slowly, some girls would
Speaker 3: become a little bit more reserve because they're now comparing
Speaker 3: themselves to other women.
Speaker 1: I get all of that, but I don't understand why
Speaker 1: it's okay for women to compare men openly, but then
Speaker 1: when they get compared, feel like y'all pinning us against
Speaker 1: each other.
Speaker 4: Why is that okay?
Speaker 3: Well, I'm talking about the space of just signing up
Speaker 3: for competition, Like that's what we know is okay to
Speaker 3: have competition amongst each other when it comes to men
Speaker 3: comparing us. I think that that boils down to women
Speaker 3: having to be chosen by men, right you think about it,
Speaker 3: Most women, right when you're in the dating scene, whether
Speaker 3: you're being groomed by your family or your parents, is
Speaker 3: to put yourself out there to eventually be chosen.
Speaker 4: That's what part of the quote unquote patriarchy. I get it.
Speaker 4: You have to you have to present yourself to be
Speaker 4: the best man chosen to.
Speaker 2: Be chosen exactly.
Speaker 3: So then how are you going to be chosen when
Speaker 3: there's typically for the most part, few quote unquote good
Speaker 3: men out there, and you want to be chosen by
Speaker 3: that good man, but you have a slew of women
Speaker 3: who you are now in competition with essentially, okay, right,
Speaker 3: so you're thinking, how am I stacking up against this
Speaker 3: woman next to me in terms of being chosen by someone.
Speaker 3: That's something I think that's been ingrained in us as
Speaker 3: women since we were young.
Speaker 1: So you think what it is is socially we've been
Speaker 1: we've been conditioned as men to feel like we can
Speaker 1: all compete, but we're all going to choose what we want.
Speaker 1: But for women, it's we're all competing to be chosen,
Speaker 1: and that's that dynamic. That's the change is the way
Speaker 1: people are allowed to compare each other.
Speaker 4: Now.
Speaker 3: I think that that's I mean literally a fair argument
Speaker 3: because it's a trigger for women when they hear other
Speaker 3: women get compared as opposed to it's not.
Speaker 4: It's not as triggering for men to be compared. I
Speaker 4: hear that. I hear that.
Speaker 2: You can also think about it too.
Speaker 3: It's okay for men essentially to date around pick different women,
Speaker 3: go here, go there. You know, we even spoke about
Speaker 3: Lori Harvey in a previous episode where she, you know,
Speaker 3: is now dating different people within the industry, and it's like,
Speaker 3: are people looking down at her that for that reason
Speaker 3: because she's deciding to date around. Whereas if it's a
Speaker 3: guy that's dating around because he has his pic of
Speaker 3: the litter too, we rever that.
Speaker 2: We're like, no, we don't.
Speaker 4: They call they call futul Hope, they called Future Home.
Speaker 2: He's dropping babies everywhere.
Speaker 4: And what I mean, my.
Speaker 1: Thing is, here's my biggest thing. I feel like we
Speaker 1: are as people are evolving. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: We're evolving. I'll give you that, though it will definitely
Speaker 1: be triggering for women to be compared because of the
Speaker 1: way we've all been conditioned, and women who compete have
Speaker 1: to be chosen.
Speaker 4: So I'll give you that.
Speaker 1: My biggest issue is is that I think we start
Speaker 1: diminishing the accomplishments of the women who are in those
Speaker 1: competitions to be the greatest by saying we can't speak
Speaker 1: about this. For example, for sure, Nicki Minaj and Lil Kim, Beyonce, Rihanna,
Speaker 1: Sheryl Lee, Ralph and Viola Davis, if they haven't made
Speaker 1: any art in the last ten years, but the younger
Speaker 1: generation is constantly compared to them.
Speaker 4: That keeps their legacy going. Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And if we say we can't speak on this because
Speaker 1: we're pinning Black women against each other, what we're doing
Speaker 1: is we're letting some of these legacies die. Another example
Speaker 1: is on The Breakfast Club, they had this conversation about
Speaker 1: the Queen of R and B and I forgot who
Speaker 1: it was who was on there talking about being the
Speaker 1: queen of R and B.
Speaker 4: And they said Anita Baker.
Speaker 1: And then someone said, well, Beyonce isn't in that conversation,
Speaker 1: and I forgot who it was who was speaking, but
Speaker 1: it was another It was another singer who has enough
Speaker 1: credits in her own right to give an opinion, said
Speaker 1: that Beyonce isn't in the conversation when it comes.
Speaker 4: To R and B.
Speaker 1: And immediately the Internet was just like, Oh, she's a hater.
Speaker 1: Why are we pinning Black women against each other? Why
Speaker 1: does it have to be Anita Baker versus Beyonce.
Speaker 4: And none of that.
Speaker 1: And my thing is and my thing is Diana Ross
Speaker 1: Anita Bakers like these are women who haven't made music
Speaker 1: in decades, and if we were allowed to constantly compare
Speaker 1: their accomplishments to a Beyonce, it would allow their legacies
Speaker 1: to keep going more young kids, like Cairo's favorite player
Speaker 1: is Michael Jordan. Why because we constantly compare Michael Jordan
Speaker 1: to Lebron James. You know what that does for Michael
Speaker 1: Jordan's legacy that we constantly compare him to Lebron James.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be fifty years from now, they're going to
Speaker 1: be comparing the next basketball player to Lebron James. You
Speaker 1: know what that's gonna do to Lebron james legacy. But
Speaker 1: then when it comes to a Beyonce or Rihanna, we
Speaker 1: can't speak on it. That's unfair to those women men
Speaker 1: who've done great things. I feel like we should continue
Speaker 1: to compare and I don't think it's pinning, it's.
Speaker 3: Just And also ultimately, it comes down to a round
Speaker 3: of preference. Like everybody have their favorite, so why can't
Speaker 3: we have our favorites? And that's okay, yes, because not
Speaker 3: everybody is Rihanna fan, not everybody is a Beyonce fan, and.
Speaker 2: That's okay, right.
Speaker 3: I think it's the word pitting that is kind of
Speaker 3: triggering because it's like a competition thing. But I think
Speaker 3: it's healthy. And then where's the difference between comparison and competition.
Speaker 3: Is it hand in hand or do you think it's
Speaker 3: the same thing.
Speaker 4: I honestly feel like it's semantics.
Speaker 1: And I feel like a lot more people who get
Speaker 1: offended by they get offended by it more than the
Speaker 1: artists do. Right, And this is the one thing I
Speaker 1: can't stand with Black people. I can't, I can't. I
Speaker 1: hope we stop doing this. We feel like we're the
Speaker 1: only people who compare our grades. I hear people say
Speaker 1: all the time black people are the only one that
Speaker 1: compare WI pitting women against each other.
Speaker 4: No, that's not true. I act trouble.
Speaker 1: I was just like when it comes to white white artists,
Speaker 1: like white female artists, right, is there anyone who like
Speaker 1: we compare like a barber streisand or Celine Dion to
Speaker 1: a tailor Swift? And Tripple said, if you ever dare
Speaker 1: compare any artist to a tailor swift, the tailor Swift.
Speaker 4: People will come for you a lot like the beehive.
Speaker 1: But what happens is Black people we be so caught
Speaker 1: up in our lane of our artists, that we don't
Speaker 1: realize that other other ethnic groups and culches.
Speaker 4: Do the same thing.
Speaker 1: I was in the airport and it was a group
Speaker 1: of white men arguing about Andrew Schultz and Seinfeld.
Speaker 4: And I kid you not, I'm in here.
Speaker 1: And this young dude he was like, man, Andrew Andrew
Speaker 1: Schultz is like hilarious, he's fun like that he gets
Speaker 1: a sitcom and he starts to do some specials.
Speaker 4: Man, he could be up there with Seinfeld.
Speaker 1: This older gentleman said, how dare you compare Andrew Schultz
Speaker 1: to Seinfeld. It's not even close. And the dude was like,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying he's better than Seinfeld. What I'm saying
Speaker 1: is is he's funnier. Seinfeld had a better or has
Speaker 1: a better career so far, but he's older, he's had
Speaker 1: time to Andrew Schultz. If he does certain things, he's
Speaker 1: going to be up there.
Speaker 4: He could pass.
Speaker 1: And they were having a full fledged argument a lot
Speaker 1: like we do Kevin Hard and Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock.
Speaker 1: But to me, I haven't really listened to anything that
Speaker 1: Seinfeld or Andrew Schultz has done. But it was funny
Speaker 1: to me to hear these these white men argue and debate.
Speaker 1: But then in my mind, think, you know how many
Speaker 1: black people feel like they don't argue and debate about
Speaker 1: their greates like we do ours?
Speaker 4: And I'm telling you they do.
Speaker 1: Everybody has their grade in their in their ethnic group
Speaker 1: that they can relate to because it looks like them,
Speaker 1: and they have their own debates. Just because we only
Speaker 1: listen to our people argue about our greats doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that black people don't.
Speaker 4: Only want who did that?
Speaker 2: That's why.
Speaker 3: And I think that's a really good point too, because
Speaker 3: but what do when I think about it, Is it
Speaker 3: that the scarcity mindset right when it comes to Black
Speaker 3: women in competition? Is it because of the scarcity mindset
Speaker 3: of thinking that there's not enough opportunity for enough Black
Speaker 3: women to be successful? Is that what's really taking us
Speaker 3: over and feeling like man, like we there's only one spot?
Speaker 3: You know, you think about the audition process for a show.
Speaker 3: If they're casting a show, well that is true of people,
Speaker 3: right group of people. Chances are they're going to have
Speaker 3: a couple of slots for some white folks. If there's five,
Speaker 3: if there's if it's a ratio ensemble, cast.
Speaker 1: If there's a five people or six person ensemble cast,
Speaker 1: you're probably gonna have three or four white leads.
Speaker 4: At least there's going to be three men than your
Speaker 4: white woman.
Speaker 1: Then you're gonna have the one black person one Asian,
Speaker 1: or one black, one Indian, or one black one Latina.
Speaker 1: You also, realistically and if the one black is either
Speaker 1: going to be a one black guy or one black girl.
Speaker 1: And that's the fact, and mainly because if you look
Speaker 1: at and understand number one, living in America, we are
Speaker 1: still fifteen to eighteen percent of the population. White people
Speaker 1: are still over forty five percent of the population. So
Speaker 1: if you're going to make a show that looks relatively
Speaker 1: close to what America looks like, they're going to be
Speaker 1: more white people than ethnic groups. And that's what the
Speaker 1: producers feel. Oh for sure, it's gonna look like this,
Speaker 1: So we have to have some diversity. So let's get
Speaker 1: one from each ethnic group to be fair and spread
Speaker 1: the wealth, for sure.
Speaker 4: So I will agree with you on the scarcity mindset.
Speaker 1: That typically there are way less opportunities for black people
Speaker 1: and even weigh less opportunities for black women to be
Speaker 1: at the top.
Speaker 4: Do you remember, so I do agree with that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I remember that time I was I was pinned
Speaker 3: for a show, a role on a show, Yes, and
Speaker 3: I made it to the top two, and it was
Speaker 3: between myself and someone else yes, and they ended up
Speaker 3: going with the other young lady. And then we got
Speaker 3: an insider tip that the reason why she was picked
Speaker 3: was because they had to check like a Southeast Asian.
Speaker 4: Southeast Asian, Yes, I'm.
Speaker 2: Sri Lankan in Pakistani.
Speaker 4: Okay, now you're gonna go to your twenty three and.
Speaker 2: Now I'm going to my twenty three and being pulling
Speaker 2: it out.
Speaker 3: I could have definitely passed for that, but then I
Speaker 3: guess it became a matter of you know, you.
Speaker 2: Got a little drop of black and uu black black.
Speaker 3: So then at this point I'm in a space where
Speaker 3: I'm just like, man, where exactly do I fit in?
Speaker 3: Can I be Southeast Asian or can I be black
Speaker 3: or black? I can't be either at this point, it
Speaker 3: seems like sometimes because it's hard, But I'm saying that
Speaker 3: to say, if there's that one spot for a black woman,
Speaker 3: there's that one spot for a black woman, and that
Speaker 3: innately already puts.
Speaker 2: In the competition.
Speaker 3: There's that one spot that we're all vying for but
Speaker 3: we can't get, and that in itself creates a competition
Speaker 3: amongst black women.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but that mindset is so limiting and simple because yeah,
Speaker 1: there may be one spot on that one show, but.
Speaker 4: There are hundreds of shows.
Speaker 1: So it's like, if we're talking about these women are
Speaker 1: the greatest, and we're constantly discussing who's the greatest, what
Speaker 1: that does is that puts those.
Speaker 4: Women in everyone's eye line to see. O.
Speaker 1: Wait, if these three or four black women are the
Speaker 1: ones that they're constantly saying, who's the best.
Speaker 4: If we can't get her, let's try her, you know
Speaker 4: what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But if we said we're not going to ever compare
Speaker 1: and then we don't have any of these discussions, it
Speaker 1: doesn't put these women in the light for their talent
Speaker 1: to shine.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: I think that's a good take on it. Because we're
Speaker 3: always thinking about the negative. Is that what we're naturally
Speaker 3: doing to as black people is looking for the negative?
Speaker 2: Like why would they be put against each other?
Speaker 4: Not?
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, these two women are bombed in their
Speaker 3: own right and as a matter of time, depending on
Speaker 3: the show, depending on the opportunity this person prevails.
Speaker 1: Also, it's how you compare, right, If you're going to
Speaker 1: compare to talents, compare them on what they do well.
Speaker 1: Don't try to knock one to help the other. You't
Speaker 1: understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: So you mean who's better suited for the particular opportunity.
Speaker 4: No, not even that.
Speaker 1: For for example, I'll give you arguments. Right, Okay, we
Speaker 1: talk about Lebron James and Michael Jordan. Right, If you're
Speaker 1: going to argue those two, you would say, Michael Jordan
Speaker 1: won six titles and has six finals MVPs. Right, And
Speaker 1: then they'll say, well, Lebron James is the all time
Speaker 1: leading score in NBA history. Those are two positive ways
Speaker 1: to compare two grades, right. But then some people will
Speaker 1: be like, Michael Jordan played against plumbers the nineties, was
Speaker 1: trash basketball. And then they'll say, well, Lebron James failed
Speaker 1: in the two thousand and seven finals, just like you're
Speaker 1: choosing to compare them by knocking at their faults or
Speaker 1: their flaws in a small moment, as opposed to highlighting
Speaker 1: what they do well. And I think that's where people
Speaker 1: often get offended when you compare greades.
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: So you mean picking out the flaws in those moments
Speaker 3: versus revering what they've done.
Speaker 2: Yes, positively, Yes, Okay.
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Like the statement, quote unquote, she ain't no Beyonce, people
Speaker 1: had a problem with the statement saying like she's not
Speaker 1: she doesn't reach Beyonce's you know, she doesn't reach Beyonce's standard,
Speaker 1: as opposed to saying Rihanna is great in her own right,
Speaker 1: but I would prefer to watch Beyonce performed, because Beyonce
Speaker 1: is a greater performance.
Speaker 3: Exactly exactly what I was about to say. In the
Speaker 3: entertainment realm of who's going to put on a show?
Speaker 3: And since we're talking about a halftime show performance that
Speaker 3: people look forward to, who's going to be the better
Speaker 3: performer in that moment based off of his story?
Speaker 2: Historically? Who is?
Speaker 3: You know? But then you're not talking about necessarily the
Speaker 3: fact that Rihanna's a freaking billionaire, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: Some people may say she's the goat because of that,
Speaker 3: she's the super business woman he was talking about in
Speaker 3: that specific moment performance, And.
Speaker 4: To be honest, all press is good press.
Speaker 1: You never want to have anything negative, But that statement
Speaker 1: that Stephen they made really had people going back to
Speaker 1: pull up receipts about how great Rihanna is. And that's
Speaker 1: my point, you know what I'm saying. That's my point.
Speaker 1: When you have those discussions about greatness, it makes people
Speaker 1: pay attention to someone that they might not have paid
Speaker 1: attention to.
Speaker 4: For example, have people.
Speaker 1: Been have a discussion about Beyonce being the greatest woman
Speaker 1: entertaining of all time? And then people from different generations like, hello,
Speaker 1: have you ever watched Tina Turner perform? And then I
Speaker 1: had people going back to be like, oh, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: have you ever watched Janet Jackson perform? And then I said,
Speaker 1: oh wait a minute. We don't ever discussed these women
Speaker 1: in these in this light, So we don't ever have
Speaker 1: these conversations to talk about how many great women. It
Speaker 1: really doesn't ever have to be one, but the conversation
Speaker 1: about who's the best brings. For example, Jackson now knows
Speaker 1: all of Kareem abdul Jabbar's stats. Why because we constantly
Speaker 1: talk about who's the greatest of all time? Kareem Abduljabbard
Speaker 1: in place then has stopped playing basketball since when he
Speaker 1: retired like ninety and I don't remember exactly when a
Speaker 1: thought was a thought, you know, even even before I
Speaker 1: was a thought almost. But I just think that we
Speaker 1: as a community of people have to stop finding the
Speaker 1: negative in everything.
Speaker 3: And you know what's what's so impactful about that statement.
Speaker 3: You just made black women in Hollywood. Yeah what a time.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we were able to be in that space with
Speaker 3: some of the greats in the industry.
Speaker 2: And then also people who are trying to be at
Speaker 2: that level.
Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, right, yeah.
Speaker 3: The love in that room, the support in that room
Speaker 3: amongst black women who are in the industry doing things,
Speaker 3: the tidbits, the gems, if you will. I just hate
Speaker 3: that term because everyone says gems all the time. But
Speaker 3: the knowledge and the motivation and the inspiration that was
Speaker 3: imparted on us by Viola Davis's speech, for example, Sherri
Speaker 3: Lee Ralph, there was so much love in that room
Speaker 3: that I, if there were competition, did not feel any
Speaker 3: of it because we were in a space and shout
Speaker 3: out to Essence for creating a platform where women are
Speaker 3: allowed to love on each other in real time, to
Speaker 3: support each other, to say, girl, you did that you know,
Speaker 3: that was the space for that. It's usually everybody else
Speaker 3: who ain't even Indians, the loud minority on Twitter, everybody
Speaker 3: in the comments section. Those are the people who, if anything,
Speaker 3: are spewing the negativity in the industry. Because within that
Speaker 3: room right there, it didn't feel like an ounce of competition.
Speaker 3: Is girl, what are you doing next? How can I
Speaker 3: be a part of this? Hit me up because I'm
Speaker 3: doing this project. That is the kind of energy that
Speaker 3: was in that space.
Speaker 1: Didn't Wasn't there a story about Jada Pinkett and Gabrielle
Speaker 1: Union having an unspoken beef throughout Hollywood and neither one
Speaker 1: of them knew.
Speaker 2: Why was it the two of that? I know, but I.
Speaker 4: Don't remember.
Speaker 1: But I do remember at one point Jada Pinkett was
Speaker 1: the eight Girl in Hollywood, so it was then Nihilathan,
Speaker 1: so was Gabrielle Union, so it was nia long there
Speaker 1: was four black women who are like the eight Girls
Speaker 1: in Hollywood, and I remember there was like an unspoken
Speaker 1: beef between them or whatever. But also sometimes those beefs
Speaker 1: be created by the fans, and the beefs don't really exist,
Speaker 1: So it's not really that those women, right, It's not really.
Speaker 4: Those women that are beefing.
Speaker 1: The fans of each group are often battling about who's better,
Speaker 1: and that's when it becomes the hyu pinning two black
Speaker 1: women against each other.
Speaker 4: It's like no one pinning them.
Speaker 1: So yeah, So I often realize, like this whole discussion
Speaker 1: about pitting black women against each other, and this is
Speaker 1: what I just think really limiting how we highlight the
Speaker 1: accomplishments of black women in entertainment and also in sports. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because we shouldn't limit the debates about who the goat
Speaker 1: to just men. For example, who's the goat in tennis?
Speaker 1: I personally think it's Serena Williams. And I'm not talking
Speaker 1: about who's the goat amongst men or women. I'm talking
Speaker 1: about wh's the goat of all of tennis. You ask me,
Speaker 1: it's Serena Williams. You know what I'm saying, Like, we
Speaker 1: should not be comparing Serena women's just to any other woman,
Speaker 1: because it has to be a woman. We should be
Speaker 1: comparing Serena Williams to Pete Hamperss, you know, to Novak
Speaker 1: Djokovic during this time.
Speaker 4: That's how I feel.
Speaker 1: But I feel like sometimes people are scared to compare
Speaker 1: Serena because they don't want to be They don't want
Speaker 1: to feel like I don't want people to think that
Speaker 1: I don't support black women if I don't compare, you know,
Speaker 1: compare her.
Speaker 2: So she should just stand alone by So we shouldn't
Speaker 2: compare her too.
Speaker 1: Right for example, right, we shouldn't compare her at all
Speaker 1: because she's a black woman. Just leave her alone, don't
Speaker 1: talk about it. We're doing her disservice. We should always
Speaker 1: talk about her. We should always talk about beyond you.
Speaker 1: We should always talk about Tina Turner, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. We should always talk about Viola, like Hattie McDaniel.
Speaker 1: We should always talk about these women, and we should
Speaker 1: compare them. Why because that's how the youth are going
Speaker 1: to learn about the history of these women. When we
Speaker 1: leave it alone and we just say, oh, don't compare her,
Speaker 1: because you're pinning them, I feel like we're doing them
Speaker 1: a disservice.
Speaker 4: And that's just my opinion. That's how we compare them.
Speaker 3: That's perspective, because I wouldn't think of that, and it
Speaker 3: may be to me buying into the rhetoric of oh
Speaker 3: my god, we are like pinning each other, and it's
Speaker 3: always a competition with black women, and why can't we
Speaker 3: just support each other without there being the competition factor.
Speaker 1: Well, what you expressed to me, Explain to me why
Speaker 1: it triggered you that way. Because because of how the
Speaker 1: patriarchy has the patriarchy has designed we we as women,
Speaker 1: we as people expect a woman to compete to be
Speaker 1: chosen to be chosen as opposed to a man competing
Speaker 1: to have the right to choose, which, if you think
Speaker 1: about it, is a huge power.
Speaker 4: Dynamic, absolutely huge.
Speaker 1: So we can't dismiss why it is this way, and
Speaker 1: I think that's what's good for us to discuss. Let's
Speaker 1: discuss why and then make steps to change it. We
Speaker 1: know why, we understand why, but can we change the
Speaker 1: thought process behind it?
Speaker 2: Oh for sure. Absolutely.
Speaker 3: It's jump into some facts and stats about today's episode.
Speaker 3: In a study by the Harvard Business Review, in a
Speaker 3: sample of thirty one people, not thirty two, sixty three
Speaker 3: percent of the women were less convinced that the average
Speaker 3: man than the average than the average man, sorry, than
Speaker 3: the average man, that competition boosts performance, builds character, and
Speaker 3: leads to innovative solutions.
Speaker 1: Why do you think that is why why are more
Speaker 1: women thinking that competition doesn't boost performance where men are
Speaker 1: taught from.
Speaker 2: Young That's odd to me personally.
Speaker 3: It's odd to me because maybe because, like I said
Speaker 3: early on, I've been in the space of competition. But
Speaker 3: to me, it was a thing where iron sharp and iron.
Speaker 3: If I saw somebody that was doing something that I
Speaker 3: wanted to do or was just great in their lane
Speaker 3: at that, I wanted to be in a space to
Speaker 3: learn from that. And to me, it wasn't competition. It
Speaker 3: was a learning experience. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4: You want hear something crazy that I just thought about
Speaker 4: what you just said.
Speaker 1: You grew up in the pageant space, yes, where competition
Speaker 1: was healthy, and that's what you did.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: But now they're trying to get rid of pageants because
Speaker 1: they say pageants objectify women and pin women against each other.
Speaker 1: You see how they're trying to get rid of the
Speaker 1: pageants system.
Speaker 2: They are trying to get rid of it.
Speaker 3: And I mean, granted, every pageants system and circuit is different,
Speaker 3: so what they're looking for in their winner is going
Speaker 3: to be different. I competed in a system where it
Speaker 3: was a scholarship pageant for the most part. So they
Speaker 3: were looking for someone that not just had a particular
Speaker 3: look and that looked you know, the part. It was
Speaker 3: part of it, but biggest thing was the interview portion.
Speaker 3: Like if you broke down the percentage of the competition,
Speaker 3: fifty percent was the personal interview portion of it. Then
Speaker 3: there was like twenty five percent you know, your activewear,
Speaker 3: twenty five percent eveningwear. So they really want someone he
Speaker 3: could speak. Yeah, some systems require talents and some don't.
Speaker 3: But the national pageant that I did it was like
Speaker 3: an active wear eveningwear.
Speaker 2: But the real heavy hitter was the interview portion.
Speaker 3: They wanted someone who could speak well, who they can
Speaker 3: send out to events and could be a good representative
Speaker 3: of the system and their state. So for me, early on,
Speaker 3: I was like, man, that's how being in front of
Speaker 3: a camera or being good at interviewing like that was
Speaker 3: something that I did early on and it helped to
Speaker 3: sharpen those skills for me. So for me, the competition
Speaker 3: wasn't necessarily about being caddy, but it was more so
Speaker 3: about boosting like we say here, performance, character, finding ways
Speaker 3: to be my best self.
Speaker 1: There's so many dynamics that now that you have me like,
Speaker 1: think of bringing that aspect from women. For example, remember
Speaker 1: some mobile in the middle of the Olympics decided that
Speaker 1: she was having anxiety attack and she didn't want to
Speaker 1: compete anymore, and people championed that from her walking away.
Speaker 1: But when a man decides he needs to take time
Speaker 1: away from his sport, he's considered soft.
Speaker 4: You just stand what I'm saying. It's like there are
Speaker 4: different sets.
Speaker 2: Of rules for men, always, always.
Speaker 1: And it goes back to this whole thing about competition,
Speaker 1: and if we're breeding young women, that competition isn't healthy.
Speaker 1: You know, I can understand now why women when they
Speaker 1: see two women being put against each other's who's the best?
Speaker 4: Why that's considered pitting.
Speaker 2: It's a social media space too.
Speaker 3: You're gonna do a side by side of two women
Speaker 3: and be like, you know, who looks better? You know,
Speaker 3: you look at social media literally is like perpetuating this
Speaker 3: entire argument, because that's all people do is compare and
Speaker 3: compete through pictures and videos. Whose content looks better, whose
Speaker 3: body is better? Like that doubled down on it. So
Speaker 3: whereas back in the day, in our day, you know
Speaker 3: you have the health the pageant competition, you do it there,
Speaker 3: and then everyone goes their separate ways, and the winner
Speaker 3: goes on to celebrate her year and rain and whatever
Speaker 3: light she wants to rain in. Now you have a
Speaker 3: winner that happens, or a winner that is crowned rather
Speaker 3: and then you have an entire comment section saying how
Speaker 3: she shouldn't have won because that girl was better and
Speaker 3: that one was better, and she.
Speaker 2: Didn't like this dress and you know, her hair was terrible.
Speaker 5: Like there's a space for people to just talk shit,
Speaker 5: and that's literally what's causing this competition to be even
Speaker 5: more of a negative thing where it could have been
Speaker 5: in healthy discussion.
Speaker 3: And you sign up for this shit too. So if
Speaker 3: you're a pageant girl or you get into this competition,
Speaker 3: you sign up for it. So you have to be
Speaker 3: okay with being in an arena to be compared, like
Speaker 3: that's what you signed up for. If you're not in
Speaker 3: a space to be able to receive that criticism, critique,
Speaker 3: don't don't do that. Don't enter into that space, because
Speaker 3: you're signing yourself up literally for that.
Speaker 4: You're actually right, You're actually right.
Speaker 1: When you do go into that space and you sign
Speaker 1: up for it, know what it is.
Speaker 4: Don't be a baby about it. Afterwards, I agree with
Speaker 4: you doing that. I do have to applaud. Uh, just
Speaker 4: take this time to applaud Michael B.
Speaker 1: Jordan and Jonathan Majors because I remember growing up and
Speaker 1: they were saying, you know why Denzel Washington Will Smith
Speaker 1: never did a movie together, and they were saying, it's
Speaker 1: because it's impossible to have two male, black male leads
Speaker 1: at the same time, right, Like, no one wants to
Speaker 1: be number two, No one wants to be you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. These two young men in this time
Speaker 1: did a great job of both being leads, both supporting
Speaker 1: each other, loving each other through the process, you know,
Speaker 1: but showing that there is enough space for two people,
Speaker 1: even if it's the same project.
Speaker 3: To exist in their greatness. I did not watch them.
Speaker 3: First of all, shout out to Creed three because I
Speaker 3: watched it and stayed awake the entire movie.
Speaker 2: Y'all form before Kaz.
Speaker 3: And I stayed awake and me and Kaz are are
Speaker 3: We've been dubbed the Sagit Terrorists of the family.
Speaker 2: We stayed awake during Free three.
Speaker 3: I did not watch that movie and be like man
Speaker 3: Michael Be's performance was better than Jonathan's or Jonathan had
Speaker 3: him in that scene or oh in this sparring match
Speaker 3: that happens in this scene, like he.
Speaker 2: Won that scene. Like I didn't look at it like that.
Speaker 3: I saw two men, two actors who were successful in
Speaker 3: their craft in that space in that film.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1: So you know what needs to happen now, right, Beyonce
Speaker 1: and Rihanna need to go on tour together.
Speaker 4: Imagine, first of all, do you know how crazy that.
Speaker 2: All Man man, all Man sign me.
Speaker 4: Up, Beyonce and Rihanna tour, sign me up? It would be, it.
Speaker 2: Would be, it would be, it wouldn't be enough spaces
Speaker 2: to hold.
Speaker 4: I know it wouldn't be. It wouldn't be And I don't.
Speaker 3: Think it would be a battle. It would be people
Speaker 3: celebrating these two women in their greatness.
Speaker 4: But I think think that's what it's gonna take.
Speaker 1: It's gonna it's gonna take two of the elite at
Speaker 1: their craft to come together to say and even.
Speaker 4: Have a healthy competitive set.
Speaker 1: You know, they don't got to come out there and
Speaker 1: raise hands and say we're one kumbay y'all.
Speaker 4: But it's like we're gonna compete for y'all and y'all.
Speaker 1: It would show people that it's okay for women to
Speaker 1: be competitive and to go against each other head to
Speaker 1: head and laugh and love on each other while doing it.
Speaker 1: Because I think that that it's possible, and I think
Speaker 1: it will be better for the legacies of women if
Speaker 1: we allowed that space to exist. Fact, you know, everything
Speaker 1: doesn't always have to be a super love fest. Competitive competitiveness,
Speaker 1: especially amongst black women who don't get the same opportunities
Speaker 1: as everyone else, is the best way to showcase their
Speaker 1: talent because there's plenty of projects for everyone to get
Speaker 1: access to.
Speaker 3: So that's a fact that if you don't have those opportunities,
Speaker 3: you create them, right, Because I was in a space
Speaker 3: where I'm seeing people creating those opportunities for themselves.
Speaker 4: And the truth is there's no lose.
Speaker 1: Holly Berry was the second place in the Miss America
Speaker 1: pageant or Miss USA pageant.
Speaker 4: She became second place and became Holly Berry Baby. You
Speaker 4: know what I'm saying. Jennifer Hudson.
Speaker 2: Jennifer Hudson, Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 4: American and became Jennifer Hudson.
Speaker 2: Right, top model? Was it even?
Speaker 3: And yah yah yaya, yeah Yahyahsan.
Speaker 2: Are both doing it.
Speaker 4: My homegirl evil.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 3: Also in the Harvey Business Review found out that indeed,
Speaker 3: people with more positive beliefs about competition were more likely
Speaker 3: to choose a competitive option. Of the women, twenty one
Speaker 3: percent chose the competitive option compared to thirty six percent
Speaker 3: of men. Research by economists and political scientists indicate that
Speaker 3: competitive people do better socioeconomically.
Speaker 4: So now, now, yeah, no, I love being.
Speaker 2: Competitive, yeah, both of us, both of us.
Speaker 3: I think that even in love, you know, in relationship,
Speaker 3: I think attracted us to each other, right because I
Speaker 3: saw that you were a competitor and you tried to
Speaker 3: be great and whatever it is that you did, and
Speaker 3: you met me and I had competitive I was just like, man,
Speaker 3: I'm trying to be the best, Like I truly believe
Speaker 3: in the iron sharp and iron iron sharpens iron mentality.
Speaker 3: So for me, I welcome competition because I can just
Speaker 3: see that as a way for me to you know.
Speaker 4: But look at the correlation.
Speaker 1: Though, economists and political sciences indicate that competitive people do
Speaker 1: more socio economically. If we as black people learn how
Speaker 1: to compete in a healthy matter, it will help us
Speaker 1: as a people socio economically. There's I think there is
Speaker 1: a direct correlation to the fact that socio economically, black
Speaker 1: people are at the bottom of the total poem. It
Speaker 1: has a lot to do also with, of course white supremacy, right,
Speaker 1: and the systems that have been put in place to
Speaker 1: constantly disenfranchise us.
Speaker 4: So it's not only about competitiveness, but.
Speaker 1: It would help us if we learned how to embrace competition,
Speaker 1: not just amongst other people, but competing amongst each other. Right,
Speaker 1: seeing two young black girls who are great at something
Speaker 1: and saying, y'all need to compete to be the best,
Speaker 1: and watch them flourished. I gave you an example. I
Speaker 1: played with Marcus Colston. When I first got to Hofstra.
Speaker 1: I said to Marcus, I'm coming for your spot. Marcus
Speaker 1: looked at being said. And every day in that locker room,
Speaker 1: I competed to be better than Marcus, and Marcus competed
Speaker 1: to be better than me, and Marcus and I became roommates.
Speaker 1: Then Charles Sullivan came in. Charles Sullivan came in and
Speaker 1: said he wanted to be the best receiver. So me
Speaker 1: and Charles started to compete. Me and Charles became roommates,
Speaker 1: and you know what happened. By the time we all left.
Speaker 1: We were one, two and three.
Speaker 2: All time and receiving yards left it period.
Speaker 1: It's like, to me, I just feel like competition amongst
Speaker 1: people brings the best and we need to create a
Speaker 1: space for black women to compete with each other and thrive.
Speaker 4: That's just my opinion. That's just my opinion that with Jackson.
Speaker 3: Now with basketball, it's like, why would you play people
Speaker 3: who are at your level? Try to playing in the
Speaker 3: seventh grader, absolutely compete, compete, all right, And according to
Speaker 3: psych Central, if your female peers are competing with you,
Speaker 3: it might seem like they're just being mean because there's
Speaker 3: also that side of things that we've seen. They may
Speaker 3: engage in behaviors like gossiping, negativity, sabotage, gas lighting, nosiness, boasting, mimicking,
Speaker 3: downplaying your successes, discrediting you in front of others. Now,
Speaker 3: that is also a very real thing, because let's not
Speaker 3: act like competition is always sweet.
Speaker 4: Question.
Speaker 2: You do have the people who are go sorry, gradual question, no, no, finish.
Speaker 3: You do have people who are intimidated by such greatness
Speaker 3: that may in the in turn internalize that and try
Speaker 3: to be negative.
Speaker 1: So do you now feel like also the onus is
Speaker 1: on women to allow a space for women to compete.
Speaker 4: And I'll give you an example. In high school, when.
Speaker 1: The young boys were competing for a male athlete of
Speaker 1: the Year or for student body president, it remained cordial.
Speaker 4: You know, they were the homies. You know, we do it.
Speaker 1: When the women were competing for homecoming queen, it got
Speaker 1: nasty sometimes, you know what I'm saying. Do you feel
Speaker 1: like it's on women to start to embrace that or
Speaker 1: is this something that men can do to help facilitate
Speaker 1: the belief that competitiveness, Because if it's starting this young
Speaker 1: from young girls, how do we create that space when
Speaker 1: they become women. If when they're young, they're already being
Speaker 1: taught that if oh, if I'm competing against her, let's
Speaker 1: gossip into Yeah.
Speaker 3: I mean, I don't think it's a man's responsibility to
Speaker 3: create a space for I think it's the onus is
Speaker 3: definitely on us as women and as we as women
Speaker 3: raise more women, not pitting them against each other, right,
Speaker 3: because it can start as early as in like a
Speaker 3: preschool room looking at another little girl. And you've seen
Speaker 3: to I think there was a video that was, you know,
Speaker 3: on social media somewhere where there was a little girl
Speaker 3: that was talking about another girl's hair being prettier than hers.
Speaker 3: I don't think anyone ever told her that, but that
Speaker 3: may have been something that she saw and she liked
Speaker 3: and she said, man like, I don't think my hair
Speaker 3: is pretty because her hair is prettier.
Speaker 2: And who knows where she had gotten that from.
Speaker 3: Is it an innate thing that women just have in general,
Speaker 3: because we're said to be emotionally more what's the word
Speaker 3: vulnerable than men? You know?
Speaker 2: So is that a thing that women just innate have?
Speaker 3: But we as women, I think, have to create a
Speaker 3: space where the competition can be healthier and it doesn't
Speaker 3: have to be the negativity and the sabotage, and a
Speaker 3: lot of that breeds from insecurity, you know, not feeling
Speaker 3: confident in yourself. We should be more so building people's
Speaker 3: confidence up first, because naturally, if you're confident in your space,
Speaker 3: then you can enter into a space where you're competitive
Speaker 3: and not feel intimidated. You know. I used to go
Speaker 3: into these pageant competitions, for example, feeling like like I'm
Speaker 3: I've been prepared.
Speaker 2: I did the work, and what's wrong with that?
Speaker 3: I did the work, I'm prepared and it didn't require
Speaker 3: me to go in there thinking like I was the shit. No,
Speaker 3: I was gonna be cordial and nice and miscongeniality.
Speaker 2: But I knew can real quick.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what is wrong with feeling like you are the
Speaker 1: ship to me? Let's let's be honest, right, you know,
Speaker 1: how can you expect other people to feel you are
Speaker 1: the ship enough to give you a crown in a
Speaker 1: banner if you walk in here feeling like, I don't
Speaker 1: know if I'm this shit? Like, let's be honest, right,
Speaker 1: And this is my thing too. What with athletes and entertainers, salespeople?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 1: The first person who has to believe that you are
Speaker 1: capable of doing everything you're going to do is you
Speaker 1: a fact.
Speaker 4: So we have to stop this.
Speaker 1: Idea that being just being humble quote unquote and believing
Speaker 1: that other people are better than you is how you're
Speaker 1: going to prosper. That's not the way the world works, yo,
Speaker 1: it's not at all. You have to believe that you
Speaker 1: are the best at what you do if you want
Speaker 1: to ultimately be the best.
Speaker 3: At what you do, and the duality can exist in
Speaker 3: you being confident that you are that but still being
Speaker 3: amicable in the process.
Speaker 1: You know what that's called? What divine economy? Excuding metonomy
Speaker 1: shout out to shout out to the norf'll if y'all listening,
Speaker 1: but also watch or patreo, y'all know what skinny ptonomy's is.
Speaker 1: But no, the divine that economy is that two things
Speaker 1: can't exist at the same time. You can believe that
Speaker 1: you are the greatest of what you.
Speaker 2: Do little there and be kind in the process.
Speaker 3: That's one thing that I went in that patget prepared, baby,
Speaker 3: you know me, me had me together.
Speaker 2: I had my page of coaches. She was one of them.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 2: I was ready to go in there.
Speaker 3: I was practicing my turns, my walk, my interview skills,
Speaker 3: all that. So I went in there knowing the crown
Speaker 3: was mine. But did I go in there saying, y'all,
Speaker 3: I don't know why y'all showed up today because y'all
Speaker 3: might as well go home because the crown is mine?
Speaker 2: No, you kidd I'm.
Speaker 3: I felt that shit it and saying it out loud,
Speaker 3: exactly exactly. I was keycky in with the best of them,
Speaker 3: voted miss congeniality, miss personality and all that. But little
Speaker 3: do they know inside I said I am coming for y'all,
Speaker 3: and sometimes I didn't win, and that's okay, true, that's
Speaker 3: okay too. But I had to believe in myself and
Speaker 3: nobody was gonna take that shit away from me.
Speaker 2: No how I like it, I like you.
Speaker 3: Pros and cons of being competitive. Pro Competition motivates you
Speaker 3: to work harder, that's a fact. Con can be the pressure.
Speaker 2: Can be stressful. People are not built for that. If
Speaker 2: you're not built for that, don't put yourself in that arena. Period.
Speaker 1: The pressure of competition, like that's part of competition. That
Speaker 1: what happened, Like I can't, I can't get on to
Speaker 1: this new age thing.
Speaker 2: Of neither me.
Speaker 1: And it's the same thing for pro athletes and entertainers
Speaker 1: CEOs of companies. When you want to get paid a
Speaker 1: premium to do what you do, and then you get
Speaker 1: paid the premium to do what you do, and then
Speaker 1: once you get paid, like, oh, the pressure is too much.
Speaker 1: That's why you got fucking paid. My man, period, And
Speaker 1: that to me, I don't care if it's a man
Speaker 1: or a woman. When you've worked that hard to get
Speaker 1: to that level, you understand the stresses that come with
Speaker 1: That's why you get paid the.
Speaker 2: Big bucks of the price.
Speaker 1: You don't become a CEO of a fortune five hundred
Speaker 1: company and when you get up there and be like,
Speaker 1: I need to take a mental health break because this
Speaker 1: is a lot.
Speaker 4: That's why you get paid. It's the same thing for
Speaker 4: athletes and entertainers like I just but.
Speaker 3: I will support people taking moments to take small breaks. However,
Speaker 3: you're very right in what you're saying. If you put
Speaker 3: yourself in that space and that atmosphere, you have to
Speaker 3: perform at a high level, absolutely, regardless of what that
Speaker 3: looks like.
Speaker 2: The absolutely need you to do it, for sure.
Speaker 4: Absolutely.
Speaker 3: Competing can teach you how to lose gracefully. Yes, pushing
Speaker 3: people this is well, that was a pro con. Losing
Speaker 3: can push people into toxic behavior patterns.
Speaker 4: No, I don't see. This is my thing.
Speaker 1: I don't think losing pushes people into toxic behavior patterns.
Speaker 1: I feel like people already practice toxic behavior patterns, and
Speaker 1: then when they lose, they have that they use that
Speaker 1: as a license to exercise those You understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: No one just is positive and then when they lose
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, now I'm gonna be toxic. People just
Speaker 1: be fucking toxic and it's like, now I lost, I
Speaker 1: have a right to do this way. I never felt
Speaker 1: like losing was a bad thing. Losing is always a lesson.
Speaker 1: Losing teaches you how to be better because when you
Speaker 1: think you great, for example, you got the confidence like
Speaker 1: I have to go in there and be like I'm
Speaker 1: the best at this, and then you go out and
Speaker 1: get your ass kicked by someone else who thinks they're
Speaker 1: the best.
Speaker 4: It tells you that like WHOA, I thought I was.
Speaker 1: The best, but I'm not the best because I got
Speaker 1: defeated in this aspect of what I do. So I
Speaker 1: always felt losing as a positive thing, you know, and
Speaker 1: if on the road to being the best, no one
Speaker 1: becomes the best undefeated, it doesn't happen. Bro there's losses
Speaker 1: happens different aspects of life.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying so absolutely, And I also
Speaker 3: think about just in the space of for example, with me,
Speaker 3: when it came to losing, for example, I was in
Speaker 3: a space to think, Okay, what can I do differently
Speaker 3: and also knowing that it is literally what happens.
Speaker 2: In that time and space. Like I said, people fickle
Speaker 2: as hell.
Speaker 3: It could have been a different situation, different time, different space,
Speaker 3: and somebody else might have prevailed as the way you
Speaker 3: know what I'm saying, Like, think about it, even in
Speaker 3: a basketball game, you know, it was like the perfect
Speaker 3: storm of events, for example with Lebron when he broke
Speaker 3: that record, Like it was the perfect time and space
Speaker 3: for him to do that in that moment.
Speaker 2: And he prevailed.
Speaker 4: And you have to honor that.
Speaker 3: If he walk up the wrong side of the bed
Speaker 3: that morning, say you know, I'm feeling a little off
Speaker 3: this morning, and then it didn't happen in that moment.
Speaker 4: There could have been so many things.
Speaker 2: There could have been so many variables.
Speaker 3: That's what I'm looking for, so many variables that can
Speaker 3: affect the outcome of someone's success. Pro Being a fairst
Speaker 3: competitor can solidify your legacy. A con your fulfillment can
Speaker 3: be measured only by how much you win. And then
Speaker 3: pro learning how to lose with grace and win with
Speaker 3: humility A good tips.
Speaker 4: That coin is real all right there. Your for filming
Speaker 4: can only be measured by how much you win.
Speaker 2: That's not using it the lost the lesson.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's not and that's and that's I see a
Speaker 1: lot of people deal with that who are super competitive,
Speaker 1: it's like if they lose, everything goes out the window.
Speaker 4: I lost.
Speaker 1: I was never supposed to lose. But that's not having
Speaker 1: a realistic perspective of how life works, fact, you know.
Speaker 4: And also a lot of that.
Speaker 1: Comes from people who are drilling winning is everything. I
Speaker 1: don't think winning is everything. I think competing is everything.
Speaker 1: And that's the difference, right, competing.
Speaker 2: The process the process.
Speaker 1: But even in a race, right, I say this to Jackson,
Speaker 1: You're going up with a bunch of kids, and you
Speaker 1: run a terrible race, and you slow up at the
Speaker 1: end and you sluggage coming out the start, and you
Speaker 1: still win.
Speaker 4: I'm not happy about that.
Speaker 1: Facts, right, you come out with a fast start, you lose,
Speaker 1: but you run your best pr times.
Speaker 4: To me, that's a victory right there.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, Because sometimes your your biggest competition is yourself, and
Speaker 1: you're competing against who you were yesterday, not exact, not
Speaker 1: exactly against the field.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: People always think that when you're competing, you're competing against
Speaker 1: the field.
Speaker 4: No, I'm competing.
Speaker 1: Against the val always, And if da Vow was this
Speaker 1: way yesterday, I got to be better than de Vo tomorrow.
Speaker 3: In fact, I'm over here competing with this body child.
Speaker 3: I'm trying to get back to that Kadeena Devo college
Speaker 3: junk in the trunk. You know these boys didn't me
Speaker 3: all right now definitely is here? By look at my
Speaker 3: old pictures like man, I was thin then? Then all
Speaker 3: right and let's close out by baby. Want telling about
Speaker 3: the shine theory?
Speaker 2: What that looks like?
Speaker 1: Yes, a term coined by the Call Your Girlfriend podcast
Speaker 1: co hosts A Mina two. So I'm gonna make sure
Speaker 1: I say this young lady's name correctly, Amina too.
Speaker 3: So.
Speaker 1: Shine theory is a practice of mutual investment in one another.
Speaker 1: It is an investment over the long term and helping
Speaker 1: someone be their best self sounds like us, and relying
Speaker 1: on their help in return. That's definitely uses. It is
Speaker 1: a conscious decision to bring your full self to your friendships,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, and to not let insecurity or envy
Speaker 1: ravish them. We were just talking about did you talk
Speaker 1: about competing? You know, people compete within their relationship.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we were talking about this recently. It's wild to me.
Speaker 4: It's wild people have.
Speaker 2: What is it professional envy or or career envy or something?
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, shine theory is a commitment to asking would
Speaker 1: we be better as collaborators than as competitors? The answer
Speaker 1: is always own almost always yes. Yo, Me and my
Speaker 1: boy Dolo. Shout out Dolo. I remember when I retired
Speaker 1: from the NFL. My brother just got out of college.
Speaker 1: Dolo got out of college and he was a fitness professional.
Speaker 1: He went to school for kinesiology. I had just started
Speaker 1: studying exercise physiology and kinesiology because I was doing.
Speaker 4: Speed and performance training for kids. He started.
Speaker 1: He was training in the park at Girshum Park. Shout out, Brooklyn, East,
Speaker 1: New York. We were both training in the park. So
Speaker 1: we partnered together and started doing all of our work together.
Speaker 1: And for ten years we built He built his business,
Speaker 1: Dolo's Fitness. I built Elite Prototype Athletics, and together we
Speaker 1: both built Prototype Sports Performance Lab. And I remember people
Speaker 1: saying like, yow, y'all both do the same thing. How
Speaker 1: were y'all working together? And I was just like, listen
Speaker 1: to what you just asked me. We both do the
Speaker 1: same thing. How will be working together? We are working
Speaker 1: together because.
Speaker 2: We both do the same thing within the same community.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Well, you ain't worried about
Speaker 1: him stealing your clients and you're stealing his clients. And say,
Speaker 1: here's the funny part. When I can't take a client
Speaker 1: you know who, I've asked them to dolo.
Speaker 3: Remember when you were doing auditions and you were just like,
Speaker 3: oh my god, I have this audition that popped up.
Speaker 3: Your clientele was super super understanding becausey knew what time
Speaker 3: it was, and then like, okay, if we don't have
Speaker 3: the vale, we have dolo.
Speaker 1: Leg goes back to the scarcity mind that the scarcity
Speaker 1: mindset is the idea that there's not enough space for
Speaker 1: both to us, both of us.
Speaker 4: To exist and be successful. That is a real thing.
Speaker 4: You know what, that's my moment of truth. That's my
Speaker 4: moment of truth.
Speaker 3: Well yeah, it documents that document that, but that's that's
Speaker 3: ultimately what it is. Think about the conversation we're just
Speaker 3: having with Nelly and Janelle. Shout out to my glam squad,
Speaker 3: Nelly and Janelle, who who are comprised of a couple
Speaker 3: of people who I use amazing artists within the space
Speaker 3: of glam and they were talking about how artists and
Speaker 3: self they can't support each other or they're worried about
Speaker 3: clients being stolen by you know, you don't even think
Speaker 3: that's a thing. That's not The power is in the
Speaker 3: client to decide who they're going to can't work with.
Speaker 2: You can't steal a client.
Speaker 3: But I have now built a team of artists around
Speaker 3: me where they reverer each other, they love on each other.
Speaker 3: I mean I was with Nelly on tour and then
Speaker 3: I came back to Atlanta and Grace shout out to
Speaker 3: Grace my makeup artists in Atlanta.
Speaker 2: Nellie called Grace on.
Speaker 3: FaceTime at like six in the morning to say, hey, girl,
Speaker 3: I know you have Kadeen this morning, Like how's it going?
Speaker 2: You know what look y'all doing.
Speaker 3: She was so excited to just chat with Grace really
Speaker 3: quickly to be on the same page about like what
Speaker 3: product worked for me last time, what she noticed about
Speaker 3: my skin. And I'm like, wow, I have a team
Speaker 3: of women who love each other and support each other.
Speaker 3: Because there's gonna be work for everybody. There's certain moments
Speaker 3: when y'all are booked and busy, so I'm gonna have
Speaker 3: to book Elena because she's available. Like there's just a
Speaker 3: space for everyone to thrive and personally within our space,
Speaker 3: we are making sure that we're creating those opportunities for
Speaker 3: the people around us.
Speaker 2: All right, let's take a quick break.
Speaker 4: Forget that.
Speaker 2: I won't forget it. You got it? Awesome?
Speaker 3: All right, let's take a quick break, y'all, and we're
Speaker 3: gonna get into these list of letters after we pay
Speaker 3: some bills. All right, back into listening to letters. We're
Speaker 3: going to dive in and see what y'all got to
Speaker 3: talk about today. Hello, Davalenkadeen. I'm a new listener, just
Speaker 3: started following last month and really enjoy your content.
Speaker 2: Welcome listener. We always love newbies.
Speaker 3: I'm a truck driver and I travel long hours in
Speaker 3: the night and this podcast definitely keeps me entertained and
Speaker 3: awake at night, So for that, I thank you.
Speaker 2: That's awesome.
Speaker 3: I have a question I would like to ask about
Speaker 3: a situation in my marriage. My husband and I of
Speaker 3: eight years decided two years ago that we would have
Speaker 3: an open marriage. The reason is that we are both
Speaker 3: sexually and we're both sexual and kinky type of people
Speaker 3: and thought it would be fun to explore and have experiences.
Speaker 3: I really assumed I would enjoy being open until I
Speaker 3: actually committed the act. After being open, for a few months,
Speaker 3: I met, connected with, and had sexed with one other guy,
Speaker 3: and even though I had the freedom to make my choice,
Speaker 3: still felt the awful guilt of committing adultery. I also
Speaker 3: have not shared with my husband that I was with
Speaker 3: this man. The other man and I are over. It
Speaker 3: was honestly just a fling, and although I'm attracted to
Speaker 3: this guy, I have no deep emotional feelings and basically
Speaker 3: knew what it was. But now I've been feeling hell
Speaker 3: of confused. Hella confused. I mean, I technically didn't cheat,
Speaker 3: I guess because we're open. But I can't even bring
Speaker 3: myself to tell my husband that I did what I did,
Speaker 3: And I'm starting to second guess if I'm really able
Speaker 3: to handle being open. I haven't been with another man since.
Speaker 3: Do you think I should tell my husband or take
Speaker 3: it to my grave?
Speaker 4: Girl?
Speaker 2: Tell your husband? Yall?
Speaker 3: Y'all had an agreement if it's going to clear your conscience,
Speaker 3: and y'all have an arrangement already, Like the biggest reason
Speaker 3: why people with whole information typically is because they are
Speaker 3: afraid of the other person's reaction or they're afraid of
Speaker 3: a consequence. There's no consequence here because y'all agree to it,
Speaker 3: unless you feel like you're not sure if your husband's
Speaker 3: you know, had a time or.
Speaker 1: Two he been clapping cheeks, mam. He clapping cheeks me
Speaker 1: if you got time to go out and have a
Speaker 1: fling with another guy and he ain't. No, this is
Speaker 1: because he clapping cheeks too, and you already had a
Speaker 1: conversation and the agreement.
Speaker 4: I don't see what's the matter.
Speaker 1: Like, one thing I don't ever do is I don't
Speaker 1: judge other people's relationships to people communicate what they want
Speaker 1: and they agree to it, then too.
Speaker 4: I mean, it depends on what your religious beliefs are.
Speaker 1: If you made a vow to each other and a
Speaker 1: vow to God and you feel guilty because you feel
Speaker 1: like you made a vow to God that you pass,
Speaker 1: that's on you. You know, you should have a conversation
Speaker 1: with God that in that situation. But as far as
Speaker 1: your husband, man, y'all had a conversation, y'all talked about it.
Speaker 1: Y'all did y'all thing, you did your thing? Your man
Speaker 1: definitely clapping cheeks, all right, So you know, go tell
Speaker 1: them see how you feel about it. But here's a
Speaker 1: good thing, though, you did learn it. No matter how
Speaker 1: kinky you are, there's one person that you have that
Speaker 1: special thing for. So maybe an open relationship isn't for you,
Speaker 1: And maybe your husband is having the same feeling. You
Speaker 1: never know, so I feel like you should always talk
Speaker 1: to the person that you're going to spend your life
Speaker 1: with and tell them the truth.
Speaker 3: I wonder if it's for fear that she doesn't enjoy
Speaker 3: open relationships, but maybe he does.
Speaker 2: So what happens There'll be maybe a conversation, in a
Speaker 2: conversation of a conversation, he wants to continue with that
Speaker 2: and you don't.
Speaker 4: Well, here's the thing.
Speaker 2: He might not want to, says.
Speaker 4: He might not want to, but he may still want to.
Speaker 4: And if he does, he has this open conversation.
Speaker 1: You got to be open to that because once you
Speaker 1: open that door, you can't just close it when it's
Speaker 1: convenient for you. But I think a conversation needs to
Speaker 1: be had. Don't keep it from him, have the conversation.
Speaker 2: All right, good luck to you, says all right, number two,
Speaker 2: So on you.
Speaker 1: Baby, hid Vala Kadeen was good. I've been with my
Speaker 1: boyfriend for five years. I found out that he cheated
Speaker 1: on me last year. The affair with the other woman
Speaker 1: lasted about two years, and they formed a physical and
Speaker 1: emotional connection. I forgave him and stayed with him, but
Speaker 1: I still feel resentful towards him at times. He's a
Speaker 1: love of my life and I want him to be
Speaker 1: my husband and the father of my future children, but
Speaker 1: he has doubts and is unsure about marriage. Whenever the
Speaker 1: topic is brought up, I'm terrified to risk giving up
Speaker 1: my relationship with him. But I'm also terrified of staying
Speaker 1: and being cheated on again and potentially risking wasting time
Speaker 1: in this relationship if he doesn't view me as his wife.
Speaker 1: I'm twenty seven and I'm ready to build with him
Speaker 1: as my husband. Do you think I should leave him
Speaker 1: or work through my resentment to make this relationship work?
Speaker 1: Love you, guys, This.
Speaker 4: Is what I feel.
Speaker 2: Girl.
Speaker 1: When people tell you who they are, believe them. He
Speaker 1: cheated on you for two years and he said he's
Speaker 1: not ready for marriage.
Speaker 4: So he's showing you and only is he's saying he's
Speaker 4: showing you he's not ready for marriage.
Speaker 2: That's a fact.
Speaker 4: It is not your job to make him ready for marriage.
Speaker 2: Everyone was half of y'all's relationship that he was another woman.
Speaker 1: He's showing you that he's not ready to be a
Speaker 1: husband or have you as a wife, So don't force that.
Speaker 2: If he's 't sure about marriage and the top, sorry
Speaker 2: to cut you off.
Speaker 3: If he's un sure about marriage and the topic of
Speaker 3: marriage whenever it's brought up in marriage may not be
Speaker 3: for him, particularly in this moment. And I'm thinking maybe
Speaker 3: her fear is like, wow, what if I walk away
Speaker 3: from this? But he decides that he wants to choose
Speaker 3: marriage later on, Well, it's just if you're available then
Speaker 3: then maybe you could spend the block. But until then,
Speaker 3: I say, keep it pushing.
Speaker 1: I agree, I agree one thousand percent. I just feel
Speaker 1: like have the conversation once again. Tell him what you require,
Speaker 1: what you need, what you want, ask him what he requires,
Speaker 1: needs and want, and if they don't align, don't be
Speaker 1: afraid to say, you know what, this isn't working out
Speaker 1: for me one of the best interests of what I
Speaker 1: want from my life. So I think it'd be best
Speaker 1: if we move forward in different directions and hopefully, you know,
Speaker 1: you change your mind one day, but this is what
Speaker 1: I'm looking for. You know, this is actually another simple
Speaker 1: one and I think people need to start saying what
Speaker 1: they want, what they require, and then moving accordingly. Stop
Speaker 1: trying to force people to be what you want them
Speaker 1: to be for you. That's never going to work out
Speaker 1: and takes the guessing out of it. It's literally writing
Speaker 1: on the wall.
Speaker 3: All right, love y'all, thank you for always writing in.
Speaker 3: If you want to be featured as one of our
Speaker 3: listener letters, be sure to email us at dead Ass
Speaker 3: Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 4: That's d E A d A S S A d
Speaker 4: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right, time for the truthful moment, moment of truth.
Speaker 2: What you got for us today?
Speaker 3: Babe?
Speaker 2: Do you remember what you said you were going to say?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 1: The first thing is I enjoyed these topics and I
Speaker 1: enjoy these conversations because I get to get insight into
Speaker 1: the mindset. Right, I, for the sake of me, didn't
Speaker 1: understand why they were killing stephen A so much. But
Speaker 1: something you said and we talked about and Trouble did
Speaker 1: some research the scarcity mindset of where the black women
Speaker 1: exists in America. It is just belief that there isn't
Speaker 1: enough space for all of us to be great. So
Speaker 1: when you start saying who's the greatest. I think black
Speaker 1: women feel that the others are going to be pushed aside.
Speaker 4: And there's two things.
Speaker 1: Number One, there is validity in that statement, in that
Speaker 1: belief that there's not enough space because there's literally not
Speaker 1: enough opportunities for everyone. But that's not just black women
Speaker 1: as black men, that there's just not a lot of
Speaker 1: I'll just for everyone accept you.
Speaker 4: If you're a white male, white.
Speaker 2: Male pretty much struggles.
Speaker 1: I guess yeah, I mean white women have their struggle
Speaker 1: as well, but it's not the same as Black women,
Speaker 1: like you can't equate, that could never compare. So I
Speaker 1: do understand the scarcity mindset, but I will challenge this
Speaker 1: my moment of truth.
Speaker 4: I will challenge black women to understand this. There is space.
Speaker 4: There may not be space and where you see it
Speaker 4: right now in that moment.
Speaker 1: So you may be competing for that role, but if
Speaker 1: you don't get that role, or you don't get that song,
Speaker 1: or you don't get that job, that doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: there isn't another job, a better job, or a more
Speaker 1: equivalent job somewhere else. And I say that to say
Speaker 1: this competition will always keep you at your highest and
Speaker 1: if we learn as people, specifically black women, how to
Speaker 1: compete in a healthy way. It would allow all of
Speaker 1: you guys to shine and will also allow your legacy
Speaker 1: to grow because we can continue to talk about who
Speaker 1: was the best and keep those legacies going far beyond
Speaker 1: when the person stops creating.
Speaker 4: So that's my moment of truth.
Speaker 1: Understanding that the scarcity mindset is why Black women are
Speaker 1: so afraid of being pinned against each other, but also
Speaker 1: understanding that there is space and if we all exist
Speaker 1: in that space in a healthy matter, we all can.
Speaker 2: Thrive good stuff. Baby Like that, I guess my moment
Speaker 2: of truth. I'll speak directly to black women, my counterparts.
Speaker 2: Being a black woman, we.
Speaker 3: Need to stop allowing people loud minorities, whoever they are
Speaker 3: social media to spew that rhetoric towards us to the
Speaker 3: point where we believe it. And I say that because
Speaker 3: existing in spaces that are designed for Black women, i e.
Speaker 2: Black women in Hollywood, I E.
Speaker 3: Our workspace with the people who we partner with, Glam
Speaker 3: Talent Crew, these are all spaces where we revere each
Speaker 3: other and we know that. And I feel like, deep down,
Speaker 3: black women know that we create these spaces because we
Speaker 3: know we're rooting for each other. We need to stop
Speaker 3: allowing the noise of social media, the noise of people
Speaker 3: spewing the rhetoric of pitting us against each other to prevail,
Speaker 3: because that's them just adding negativity to the already struggle
Speaker 3: limited space, limited space scarcity situations that us black women
Speaker 3: have to exist in. We need to understand our power.
Speaker 3: We need to continue to create platforms and spaces for
Speaker 3: us to thrive. We need to continue to love on
Speaker 3: each other because that's what we typically do whenever we're
Speaker 3: in those spaces to be with each other. Let's let
Speaker 3: that be on the forefront of our minds and not
Speaker 3: the noise of everyone else attempting to pit us against
Speaker 3: each other.
Speaker 2: I feel you, all right, y'all, y'll.
Speaker 4: Have beef with the Srilankans. And because because you claim
Speaker 4: to be a black woman and you don't claim to
Speaker 4: be shri Lankan.
Speaker 3: I do acknowledge it. Because also that's that's a portion
Speaker 3: of my heritage now that I know. You know, you
Speaker 3: look at my dad, my dad, you know, you look
Speaker 3: at him. He's not a black man, you know. So
Speaker 3: I have to speak to both cultures, but I speak
Speaker 3: particularly about black women because I know that that's what
Speaker 3: I'm looked at at. If I have an ounce of
Speaker 3: black blood and me, it's gonna.
Speaker 2: Make me black. And I'm going to revere that what
Speaker 2: do you identify as a black woman.
Speaker 4: Until that role come on? Then you street lined.
Speaker 3: Yesterday, I'm looking for Indian line, Bollywood is look for somebody. Okay, No,
Speaker 3: I can celebrate both cultures simultaneously, particularly based on the topics.
Speaker 4: It was just so funny to me because when you found.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry and a Bindi, I'm ready to go, Okay.
Speaker 4: Are you culturally appropriated?
Speaker 1: But no, I was toling you because I remember when
Speaker 1: they called you and it was just like, you know,
Speaker 1: they decided to go in this week because to check
Speaker 1: off the box of East Asian and.
Speaker 3: You was just like.
Speaker 4: Me, it's.
Speaker 3: It's thirty two point seven percent around that ship up
Speaker 3: thirty three percent, you know what I mean. But we're
Speaker 3: speaking particularly about black women today and the pitting of
Speaker 3: each other, the pinning of us against each other.
Speaker 4: You know, I thought your father was Indian when I
Speaker 4: first mentioned Yeah, I think I told that story.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you did.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I didn't think we were ever going to be together
Speaker 1: because I was just like, oh, I US Indian, Indian
Speaker 1: people don't fuck with black people.
Speaker 4: I legitimately thought that that's what was going to happen.
Speaker 2: So and truth be told, My follow loves yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, Jamaican for sure, even though he's from Saint Vincent.
Speaker 2: Yes, he loves he loves the Jamaican.
Speaker 4: He loves Jamaican women, especially that part.
Speaker 3: All right, y'all, be sure to follow us on Patreon
Speaker 3: and we're so, so so happy to have y'all here
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Speaker 1: I am Devo And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
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Speaker 2: And subscribe dead Ass Baby.
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