WEBVTT - Brian Wilson Is Free (The Brian Wilson Story, Chapter 9) 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:09.080 Double Elvis. Blood on the Tracks is a production of 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:13.319 I Heart Radio and Double Elvis. Brian Wilson was a 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:16.600 musical genius and one of the greatest songwriters of all time. 0:00:17.040 --> 0:00:20.120 He caught melodies like they were waves. He bottled good 0:00:20.239 --> 0:00:23.640 vibrations like no one else, and he picked up bad 0:00:23.720 --> 0:00:28.360 vibrations too. He broke down, he tripped hard. He didn't 0:00:28.400 --> 0:00:31.960 just hear music, he heard voices. He tried to lose 0:00:32.000 --> 0:00:35.600 those voices by making a teenage symphony to God called Smile. 0:00:36.240 --> 0:00:40.440 But somewhere along the way, Brian Wilson lost his mind instead. 0:00:41.200 --> 0:00:49.400 This is his story. I can't believe there's only a 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:53.840 couple more of these Brian Wilson tapes. Oh hello, by 0:00:53.880 --> 0:00:57.760 the way, Rhonda Moss in here again. Like I was saying, 0:00:57.920 --> 0:01:00.440 we're right at the end of these tapes. Now I 0:01:00.520 --> 0:01:03.440 just found one that has Smiled two thousand four written 0:01:03.480 --> 0:01:07.440 on it. But maybe that's for next time. First, there's 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:09.400 one that seems to be the final tape from Brian's 0:01:09.400 --> 0:01:20.920 home recordings. Let's have a listen to this one. Every 0:01:20.959 --> 0:01:25.760 record I make comes with pressure. There's that expectation. How 0:01:25.760 --> 0:01:28.360 can you win if you only compete with yourself? Either 0:01:28.360 --> 0:01:31.280 way you lose. I sit in my room a lot 0:01:31.319 --> 0:01:35.840 these days. Dr Landy controls most things, but here late 0:01:35.840 --> 0:01:39.520 at night, I have some autonomy. I'm free for only 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:44.880 a few hours. The silence is my companion, the darkness 0:01:44.959 --> 0:01:48.680 my only bedfellow. Sometimes I wonder what it would be 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:52.360 like if I actually completely smile. What I'd be doing now? 0:01:53.320 --> 0:01:57.840 Would I be happy? Would I hear these voices? Who knows? 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:00.880 It's the what if us that are hard to shake 0:02:00.960 --> 0:02:04.640 when I'm in here. Someone once told me that you 0:02:04.640 --> 0:02:07.960 shouldn't be asking what if. You should be asking what's next. 0:02:09.080 --> 0:02:11.880 But that's hard to do when all you've gotten. Rear views, 0:02:12.600 --> 0:02:52.960 Blood on the Tracks, Chapter nine, Brian Wilson's Free. I 0:02:53.040 --> 0:02:55.000 think of him when I see the tide going out, 0:02:56.200 --> 0:03:05.120 when it's moving. That's when I see him, handsome, assured, happy. 0:03:06.040 --> 0:03:08.800 It's strange you can go your whole life with a 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:13.680 relationship to something and that can change almost overnight. Before 0:03:13.720 --> 0:03:17.040 he died, I would look at the ocean and feel nothing, 0:03:18.160 --> 0:03:23.520 no emotional connection, no jolt in my gut. But now 0:03:24.000 --> 0:03:26.920 all I see is his face. All I hear is 0:03:26.960 --> 0:03:31.680 his voice, and all I say is his name. Dennis 0:03:35.960 --> 0:03:39.320 recently I've been thinking about the album Dennis made. It's 0:03:39.360 --> 0:03:43.119 called Pacific Ocean Blue. I loved what he was doing 0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:46.240 on that album. My favorite song that he ever made 0:03:46.280 --> 0:03:49.840 was on that one You and I ever heard that. 0:03:50.920 --> 0:03:56.000 It's just beautiful. He was a great songwriter, a heartbreaker too. 0:03:56.640 --> 0:03:59.960 The girls loved him. Dennis was the only beach boy 0:04:00.120 --> 0:04:03.400 who knew how to serve. People always find that funny 0:04:03.400 --> 0:04:06.800 when I tell them that, but it's true. Dennis died 0:04:06.840 --> 0:04:09.240 when I was still under the glare of Dr Landy 0:04:09.280 --> 0:04:12.200 and his people. It was too much to take. The 0:04:12.240 --> 0:04:17.520 silence is my companion. We've been through so many tough times, 0:04:18.000 --> 0:04:23.120 even before the band, The Darkness my only bedfellow. When 0:04:23.120 --> 0:04:24.839 you get beat up as a kid by your dad, 0:04:24.920 --> 0:04:28.320 it turns you into something, not always the same thing. 0:04:29.240 --> 0:04:33.000 It turned me into one thing, Carl into another, and 0:04:33.160 --> 0:04:37.120 Dennis into something different. But it did change us. How 0:04:37.160 --> 0:04:41.200 could it not. When Dennis died, he'd been in and 0:04:41.200 --> 0:04:44.960 out of hospitals for drinking. He didn't want to stop drinking, 0:04:45.600 --> 0:04:48.920 or maybe he wanted to but couldn't. I don't know. 0:04:49.120 --> 0:04:53.520 Sometimes I wonder what it would be like either way. 0:04:53.520 --> 0:04:56.120 It caught up with him in the end. He would 0:04:56.200 --> 0:04:59.120 drink bottle after bottle of vodka, and he got into 0:04:59.160 --> 0:05:03.200 coke too. He walked right into that Fleetwood Mac twister 0:05:03.279 --> 0:05:05.560 of cocaine that was whirring around for a while and 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:09.400 never came out of it. He got pretty caught up 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:12.880 with Christine McVeigh during that time, and she even wrote 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:16.680 that song about him. What's it called? Hold Me? That's it. 0:05:17.800 --> 0:05:25.240 I still can't listen to that song, not anymore. It's funny. 0:05:25.560 --> 0:05:28.520 Dennis was such a ladies man, and being a ladies 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:31.640 man would kill him. Not in a literal sense, but 0:05:32.240 --> 0:05:35.680 it would kill him. It all started one day when 0:05:35.680 --> 0:05:39.279 he was on his boat, The Harmony. Dennis had just 0:05:39.320 --> 0:05:42.520 split from Karen, a woman he twice called his wife, 0:05:43.160 --> 0:05:46.920 and he was drinking, of course he was. He went 0:05:46.960 --> 0:05:49.840 down to the cabin and saw a silver picture frame 0:05:49.920 --> 0:05:53.560 that held their wedding picture. Dennis took a swig from 0:05:53.640 --> 0:05:56.960 his vodka bottle. Then he took the picture above deck 0:05:57.000 --> 0:05:58.800 and threw it as far as he could into the 0:05:58.839 --> 0:06:04.400 Pacific Ocean. I have some autonomy. He ran back down 0:06:04.480 --> 0:06:07.359 to the cabin and gathered everything that reminded him of 0:06:07.440 --> 0:06:13.160 Karen and threw them into the sea. Necklaces, sweaters, more photos. 0:06:13.920 --> 0:06:19.080 All of it went overboard free. Dennis fell asleep on 0:06:19.080 --> 0:06:21.919 the boat that night. He slept the best he had 0:06:21.960 --> 0:06:25.799 slept in months. I'm sure it was a cathartic moment, 0:06:25.880 --> 0:06:30.360 but it was the beginning of the end. Three years later, 0:06:30.800 --> 0:06:35.960 it's Christmas. He was still drinking. In fact, someone saw 0:06:36.040 --> 0:06:39.600 him drinking with a load of homeless guys downtown. Expectation. 0:06:42.080 --> 0:06:45.039 Dennis was a millionaire, but there he was, down on 0:06:45.120 --> 0:06:48.600 skid row. He'd been in and out of rehab too, 0:06:48.760 --> 0:06:54.680 the darkness, but now around Christmas, he was hanging out 0:06:54.720 --> 0:06:58.679 with his buddy Bill Oaster on his boat, partying with friends. 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:02.200 Dennis had five bottles of vodka that day, along with 0:07:02.760 --> 0:07:06.480 who knows what else. I don't know why, but he 0:07:06.520 --> 0:07:10.200 was diving in the water almost constantly. Again and again 0:07:10.280 --> 0:07:13.560 he'd go in. Then at one point he surfaced with 0:07:13.640 --> 0:07:16.920 something in his hands. He started shouting at everyone on 0:07:16.960 --> 0:07:20.720 the boat. I can't fucking believe it, he yelled. He 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:23.240 pulled himself on to the deck and showed everyone when 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:27.560 he'd found that silver frame with his wedding photo, the 0:07:27.640 --> 0:07:31.080 same one he tossed into the ocean. He couldn't believe it. 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:35.920 Sometimes I wonder what it would be like. He must 0:07:35.920 --> 0:07:37.920 have known it was down there, He must have been 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:41.240 looking for it, hoping to find it. I don't know 0:07:41.280 --> 0:07:44.080 if he had missed Karen or what. Maybe he'd missed 0:07:44.080 --> 0:07:47.680 his old life, his old love. The two of them 0:07:47.720 --> 0:07:51.080 had a crazy relationship. But sometimes the past is a 0:07:51.120 --> 0:07:54.880 safe place. If it's already happened, you don't have to 0:07:54.880 --> 0:07:59.640 worry about it. Right would I be happy? I can 0:07:59.680 --> 0:08:03.680 see at safety in the past. Maybe that's what Dennis 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:06.920 was looking for. Maybe he was trying to dive back 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:12.320 into his past. Who after he found the wedding picture, 0:08:12.680 --> 0:08:16.840 he downed some more vodka, dove back in. Who knew 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:20.520 what else he'd find down there? That are hard to shade. 0:08:22.400 --> 0:08:24.800 I remember the way Bill Oster described to me what 0:08:24.920 --> 0:08:29.000 happened next. It stayed with me, and it'll stay in 0:08:29.040 --> 0:08:33.680 here forever. I have no doubt about that. He said. 0:08:33.679 --> 0:08:36.720 He saw Dennis come up towards the surface, probably with 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:39.440 about two ft to go before at the top, but 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:42.679 then he dove back down, swam around behind the boat, 0:08:42.720 --> 0:08:46.439 out of Bill's view. He thought Dennis was playing a game, 0:08:46.520 --> 0:08:49.640 But by the time he finished his cigarette and walked 0:08:49.640 --> 0:08:52.040 around to the other side of the boat. All he 0:08:52.120 --> 0:08:56.880 saw was air bubbles, the silence. He was already gone. 0:08:57.040 --> 0:09:02.600 The silence is my companion. They found his body half 0:09:02.600 --> 0:09:07.320 an hour later. That's life. I guess if you're not careful, 0:09:08.000 --> 0:09:13.000 your present can be destroyed by your past. I missed 0:09:13.040 --> 0:09:17.240 him every day. At first I could barely carry on, 0:09:17.880 --> 0:09:22.360 but the band. The band did carry on without Dennis 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:56.240 and for a while without me. I guess it was 0:09:56.320 --> 0:10:00.400 inevitable that I'd make a solo record. I mean that 0:10:00.559 --> 0:10:03.160 sounds came together like solo record, and that it was 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:08.240 me writing and producing it. My first proper solo LP, however, 0:10:08.320 --> 0:10:14.000 came out on Sire Records. It's self titled Looking Back. 0:10:14.280 --> 0:10:16.560 I do like that record, even if I don't like 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:19.120 the circumstances of making it. Every record I made it 0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:24.480 comes with pressure. It was a funny album. I suppose. 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:27.880 Some songs were made from bits I had laying around. 0:10:29.000 --> 0:10:31.000 One came from an old baseline I had hung on 0:10:31.080 --> 0:10:34.520 too for years. You know, there are days when you 0:10:34.559 --> 0:10:36.480 go in the drawer and it all looks like a junk, 0:10:37.240 --> 0:10:38.920 And then there are other days when you find the 0:10:38.960 --> 0:10:44.360 exact right thing you need. Expectation. That's what songwriting is 0:10:44.400 --> 0:10:48.520 like sometimes. The song Love and Mercy came from that time, 0:10:48.559 --> 0:10:52.800 and it stayed with me ever since. It's become a mantra. 0:10:52.960 --> 0:10:57.160 I guess at that time in my life, Dr Landy 0:10:57.200 --> 0:11:00.520 was still keeping me from health, love and happiness. Dr 0:11:00.600 --> 0:11:05.520 Landing controls most things, and I needed Love and Mercy 0:11:05.600 --> 0:11:09.719 so badly. I wrote it in forty five minutes, kind 0:11:09.760 --> 0:11:12.880 of buzzed just sitting at the piano thinking of that 0:11:12.920 --> 0:11:16.280 bird back Iraq and Hal David's song What the World 0:11:16.360 --> 0:11:19.320 Needs Now is love. I don't know if I took 0:11:19.440 --> 0:11:22.800 musical cues from it or message cues, but I wanted 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:25.760 to write a song about what the world needed, what 0:11:25.920 --> 0:11:30.920 my world needed. We made that album all over New York, Boston, 0:11:31.280 --> 0:11:34.080 l A. I was getting on a plane to go 0:11:34.160 --> 0:11:36.440 to Boston and I bumped into Van Dyke Parks at 0:11:36.440 --> 0:11:40.600 the airport. Where are you off to? I asked, It 0:11:40.640 --> 0:11:44.560 looked at me strangely, I'm coming back, he said, there's 0:11:44.600 --> 0:11:49.680 something I'm working on. I'm recording something. I don't know why, 0:11:49.760 --> 0:11:53.000 but I could tell something was up, something was wrong. 0:11:53.200 --> 0:11:58.000 Who knows. It's stuck with me on the entire flight 0:11:58.679 --> 0:12:01.199 It was all I thought about. What was he doing 0:12:01.920 --> 0:12:05.040 working on something new? You shouldn't be asking what if? 0:12:07.320 --> 0:12:09.600 My mind veered from saying I didn't give a fuck 0:12:09.679 --> 0:12:15.920 to crippling loneliness. I missed. My old friend Dr Landy 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:18.439 sat next to me for the whole flight. Of course, 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:23.560 he was listed as the producer for that solo debut album. 0:12:23.559 --> 0:12:25.840 He wrote lyrics that I would have to put into songs. 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:30.120 He even wrote songs too. One was called Love Attack. 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:35.640 It was not good. When we landed, Landy held my 0:12:35.720 --> 0:12:38.280 hand as we walked through the airport like I was 0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:41.880 his child. I was fully ready to start recording, but 0:12:42.559 --> 0:12:45.600 it turns out I would have to wait. I didn't 0:12:45.640 --> 0:12:48.400 realize it that day, but it kind of perfectly summed 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:50.080 up what was going on at that point with my 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:54.120 life and career. You see, while I'm in the air 0:12:54.679 --> 0:12:58.360 over here going to Boston, you have the Beach Boys 0:12:58.400 --> 0:13:02.559 over here recording in LA. They were late and telling 0:13:02.600 --> 0:13:05.040 me that they were recording at all right before they 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:08.079 had the session booked. It's too late for me to attend, 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:11.080 not that I would have anyway, because I have my 0:13:11.160 --> 0:13:14.320 solo record to worry about, and I do mean worry 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:18.199 In l A, the boys sit in the control booth 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:22.360 the two microphones set up in the studio in Boston. 0:13:23.080 --> 0:13:25.720 Dr Landy can see him feeling anxious, so he tells 0:13:25.760 --> 0:13:28.800 me to whisper I love you to myself three times 0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:32.000 as we walked through the airport. He used to make 0:13:32.000 --> 0:13:36.839 me do that a lot. In l A, the Boys 0:13:36.880 --> 0:13:40.120 and their producer Terry Melcher sitting around listening to an 0:13:40.120 --> 0:13:44.679 instrumental cut of the song Kokomo. Everyone is smiling. Mike 0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:48.240 collapse his hands together and says, okay, I think we're 0:13:48.280 --> 0:13:52.520 ready at the airport. It feels like we've been walking 0:13:52.520 --> 0:13:55.800 for miles, but then we finally see it. There's a 0:13:55.800 --> 0:13:58.040 man dressed smartly and he holds up a sign that 0:13:58.080 --> 0:14:03.439 reads Mr Eugene lay me in the studio. The boys 0:14:03.480 --> 0:14:05.400 all waved through the glass to a man who has 0:14:05.480 --> 0:14:09.839 just walked into the studio. It's Van Dyke Parks. He 0:14:09.960 --> 0:14:12.360 smiles back at the boys and takes his place in 0:14:12.400 --> 0:14:16.040 front of the microphone. As we exit the terminal building, 0:14:16.559 --> 0:14:21.120 Dr Landy suddenly explodes what the fund is that he screams. 0:14:22.240 --> 0:14:25.040 At first, I think it's me he's addressing, but then 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:28.520 I see what he's looking at in l A, Mike 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:33.440 Love chats to Van Dyke, who lightly fingers his accordion. Okay, 0:14:33.520 --> 0:14:36.920 when you're ready, take it away, he says. The big 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:41.800 red light goes on. In Boston. Dr Landy is standing 0:14:41.840 --> 0:14:46.320 looking at a Lincoln town Car. He's furious this isn't 0:14:46.360 --> 0:14:50.120 the stretch limo he requested. The driver tells us it's 0:14:50.120 --> 0:14:54.520 what the record company sent over. Landy doesn't care. He 0:14:54.640 --> 0:14:57.240 kicks the door in a rage, shouting that this is 0:14:57.280 --> 0:15:00.320 no way to travel when you're a genius. I think 0:15:00.320 --> 0:15:02.960 he means me, but he could be talking about himself, 0:15:04.320 --> 0:15:07.360 just shouting in l A too. But it's Mike Love 0:15:07.440 --> 0:15:10.800 shouting great job to Van Dyke, who has just laid 0:15:10.840 --> 0:15:14.320 down his accordion part for the song Kokomo. Everyone in 0:15:14.320 --> 0:15:17.520 the booth is clapping as he comes into the room. 0:15:17.520 --> 0:15:21.840 In Boston, Dr Landy sarcastically claps as the driver tells 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:25.200 him this is the only available car. He looks at 0:15:25.200 --> 0:15:28.160 it calls it a piece of ship. I look at 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:32.040 my watch and sigh. In l A. They listen to 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:35.560 the playback and al Jardine turns to Van Dyke and smiles. 0:15:36.280 --> 0:15:40.560 One take, he says, they all laugh. They know they've 0:15:40.640 --> 0:15:44.440 just cut a hit in Boston. It's a hit of 0:15:44.480 --> 0:15:48.760 another kind. I'm worried about. Dr Landy is angrier than ever. 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:51.760 He turns to me and says, are you going to 0:15:51.880 --> 0:15:54.880 take this, Brian? Tell the man what kind of car 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:57.760 you want to travel in? Tell the man which car 0:15:57.840 --> 0:16:01.880 a rock star travels in. I'm fed up, tired of 0:16:01.920 --> 0:16:06.480 all this ship, tired of the conflict, constant battles, the 0:16:06.520 --> 0:16:11.680 battles with Dr Landy, the voices in my head, the band, everyone. 0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:15.640 I just want to be free, to be with Melinda, 0:16:16.040 --> 0:16:19.920 to make music, but that all seems so far away. 0:16:21.000 --> 0:16:23.840 I'm here to record an album, but we're worrying about 0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:28.280 a fucking car. I look at him helplessly. I don't know. 0:16:28.520 --> 0:16:32.480 I say, a Cadillac Melinda is all I can think about. 0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:37.760 Dr Landy's eyes flicker. Forget it, he moans, and he 0:16:37.840 --> 0:16:41.440 violently throws open the car door. We got to the 0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:45.120 studio two hours late. I don't remember what we recorded 0:16:45.160 --> 0:16:48.880 that day, but it wasn't anything memorable. Dr Landy was 0:16:48.880 --> 0:16:53.240 in the studio the whole time. It was frustrating. In fact, 0:16:53.320 --> 0:16:55.280 the engineers used to make up things to get him 0:16:55.280 --> 0:16:58.360 out of the room so we could actually work in 0:16:58.560 --> 0:17:01.000 l A. The Beach Boy has cut their first number 0:17:01.000 --> 0:17:04.440 one single in nearly twenty years. That day, I thought 0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:06.240 my solo album would get you back to where I 0:17:06.280 --> 0:17:10.359 wanted to be. But it didn't. That album didn't do it, 0:17:10.400 --> 0:17:14.439 but there was an album that would. And it all 0:17:14.480 --> 0:17:23.800 started one Christmas. We'll be right back after this we 0:17:23.840 --> 0:17:34.240 were once again. It's a very merry Christmas from all 0:17:34.320 --> 0:17:36.800 of us here at one oh five point four b 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:41.720 R I A n f M. Happy holidays everyone. I 0:17:41.760 --> 0:17:43.960 don't know about you, but the one thing I want 0:17:44.000 --> 0:17:51.560 for Christmas is a little dr Lindy left the scene 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:55.040 by the time my solo career kicked into gear. I 0:17:55.119 --> 0:17:58.120 can't lie and say I didn't miss him, because I did. 0:17:59.080 --> 0:18:02.280 Someone told me it was Stockholm syndrome, which I disagreed with. 0:18:02.920 --> 0:18:07.280 That's too simplistic. He did some terrible things, but he 0:18:07.280 --> 0:18:10.400 helped me too, and I did miss him after he went. 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:15.280 After he was forced to go. After that debut album, 0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:18.040 I made a few more records. I finished a record 0:18:18.040 --> 0:18:21.600 called Imagination, which I could talk about all day, but 0:18:22.160 --> 0:18:28.159 I don't want to open that door today. Every album 0:18:28.200 --> 0:18:32.040 I made, Smile was in there somewhere, lurking in the background. 0:18:32.400 --> 0:18:34.280 Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I 0:18:34.480 --> 0:18:39.639 actually completely smile. I heard it as I moved the 0:18:39.680 --> 0:18:42.960 faders on a mixing desk. I saw it in every 0:18:43.000 --> 0:18:46.720 artwork pressing. I felt it in a glaring reflection of 0:18:46.760 --> 0:18:52.280 every CD. It wasn't always overt, sometimes it was just there. 0:18:53.520 --> 0:18:56.240 I could just sense it, like a low level hum. 0:18:56.280 --> 0:18:58.240 How can you win if you only compete with yourself? 0:19:00.560 --> 0:19:03.119 Have you over sat in silence and listened and heard 0:19:03.160 --> 0:19:06.680 that slight ringing, that sound of silence that's always there. 0:19:07.640 --> 0:19:09.840 Once you hear it, you can't help but notice it. 0:19:10.760 --> 0:19:13.199 It can be overrun by other sounds and voices, but 0:19:14.000 --> 0:19:18.440 it's always there underneath it all. That's what smile was like. 0:19:19.480 --> 0:19:21.320 Some days I opened up a door in my mind 0:19:21.600 --> 0:19:24.760 thinking back to my childhood and hawthorn, and all of 0:19:24.800 --> 0:19:29.199 a sudden, smile would creep into my consciousness, even if 0:19:29.240 --> 0:19:34.320 it wasn't connected. Would I be happy? Other Times I'd 0:19:34.320 --> 0:19:37.159 be thinking of something mundane, like what I should have 0:19:37.240 --> 0:19:39.919 on my sandwich for lunch, and all of a sudden 0:19:39.960 --> 0:19:42.840 I'd hear a smile melody of flashback to a session 0:19:42.840 --> 0:19:45.919 in my mind for no reason would I hear these voices. 0:19:48.160 --> 0:19:51.200 I tried to ignore these feelings or images, but there 0:19:51.240 --> 0:19:54.040 came a time where they would spill out into the world. 0:19:54.960 --> 0:19:58.119 I'd find myself humming our prayer while I walked around 0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:01.040 the house, or if I was fiddling around with a keyboard, 0:20:01.040 --> 0:20:03.520 I had all of a sudden find I'd programmed it 0:20:03.520 --> 0:20:07.600 to sound like the Good Vibrations organ. By the time 0:20:07.680 --> 0:20:11.119 Imagination came out, I was much more settled as a person. 0:20:11.960 --> 0:20:15.359 Dr Landy had stopped me from seeing Melinda, but since 0:20:15.359 --> 0:20:18.520 he was long gone, we reconnected and ended up getting married. 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:23.720 With these apparitions of smile becoming more common, I thought 0:20:23.720 --> 0:20:27.000 I was going backwards again, starting to slip and slide 0:20:27.040 --> 0:20:32.160 back to the old days. It got really bad. One Christmas. 0:20:32.840 --> 0:20:36.480 I started to go back further. I kept thinking about 0:20:36.520 --> 0:20:39.360 being on that plane all those years ago, about having 0:20:39.400 --> 0:20:43.040 that breakdown. I couldn't bear to do that again, not 0:20:43.280 --> 0:20:47.840 for me, not from Melinda. It filled me with such dread. 0:20:50.560 --> 0:20:53.879 I was scared, scared about the future all over again. 0:20:55.040 --> 0:20:58.720 It felt like everything was falling apart again. I knew 0:20:58.760 --> 0:21:02.359 something was going to happen. One night, we were heading 0:21:02.359 --> 0:21:05.280 to a Christmas party that my keyboard is Scott Bennett's house. 0:21:06.359 --> 0:21:09.320 I didn't want to go. My head was spinning. All 0:21:09.359 --> 0:21:15.119 those old voices were flying around. A Christmas gift for you, Brian. 0:21:18.040 --> 0:21:20.359 In the car on the way over, Welinda turned the 0:21:20.480 --> 0:21:23.200 radio on, and White Christmas by Darlene Love came on 0:21:23.800 --> 0:21:27.560 from that Phil Specter Christmas record. I quickly flicked the 0:21:27.600 --> 0:21:34.119 switch off. What's gotten into you? She asked, worried you 0:21:34.119 --> 0:21:37.280 haven't gotten me the right present. She laughed, but I 0:21:37.320 --> 0:21:40.159 could tell she was worried. She had been worried for 0:21:40.200 --> 0:21:44.280 a few weeks. I just slumped against the passenger window, 0:21:44.920 --> 0:21:48.439 my head against the cold glass. I just don't like 0:21:48.520 --> 0:21:51.520 that song, I said, at least I think I did. 0:21:52.520 --> 0:21:54.520 I may have just said it in my head. I 0:21:54.560 --> 0:21:59.960 don't know. Sometimes I wonder. When we arrived at Scott's house, 0:22:00.160 --> 0:22:04.320 it was hot. There was a sea of bodies inside, laughing, drinking, 0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:08.399 telling stories. It's not my favorite situation to be in 0:22:08.440 --> 0:22:12.440 these days, but Melinda she thrives in situations like that. 0:22:13.560 --> 0:22:16.879 I watched her glide around the room, throwing witty lines 0:22:16.920 --> 0:22:20.080 at some people, these little waves across the room at others. 0:22:20.240 --> 0:22:25.520 The silence is my companion. She's almost a professional at it. 0:22:26.560 --> 0:22:29.720 We all ended up in Scott's large living room. The 0:22:29.840 --> 0:22:33.239 lights seemed so brightened there the darkness my only bedfellow. 0:22:35.200 --> 0:22:37.480 The drinks have been flowing for some time at this point, 0:22:37.560 --> 0:22:41.400 so the chatter was louder than usual. I remember someone 0:22:41.480 --> 0:22:44.400 saying it's time for a song, and so we all 0:22:44.480 --> 0:22:48.399 huddled around Scott's baby grand He took us through Winter 0:22:48.480 --> 0:22:52.320 Wonderland and Oh Tann and Bomb and when they played 0:22:52.359 --> 0:22:57.080 White Christmas, we Linda squeezed my hand. Phil Spector's face 0:22:57.160 --> 0:23:01.719 flashed across my mind. Every everyone clapped as I started 0:23:01.760 --> 0:23:05.479 to think about leaving, and then Scott looked directly at 0:23:05.520 --> 0:23:08.119 me and said, do you want to play us something? Brian? 0:23:09.440 --> 0:23:16.760 I froze. The partygoers seemed to all speak as one. Yeah, 0:23:16.800 --> 0:23:21.240 someone shouting come on, Brian said another. I shook my 0:23:21.280 --> 0:23:29.080 head expectation, Brian, Brian. They all began to chant. Well. 0:23:29.080 --> 0:23:32.359 Linda looked at me. She knew I was anxious. She 0:23:32.440 --> 0:23:34.560 began to tell the crowd that I just wasn't in 0:23:34.560 --> 0:23:38.480 the mood for that. But suddenly I jumped in. I 0:23:38.520 --> 0:23:42.359 don't know why, but I felt something, a freedom, a 0:23:42.400 --> 0:23:44.840 sense that I could do what I wanted. Why not? 0:23:45.840 --> 0:23:49.280 I felt safe here in this room with Scott and Melinda. 0:23:50.200 --> 0:23:53.359 I felt like there was no judgment. I could play something. 0:23:53.600 --> 0:23:57.320 I yelled, half excited, half nervous. It seemed to take 0:23:57.320 --> 0:23:59.600 an age to get to the piano with all those 0:23:59.640 --> 0:24:03.399 eyes to me, I didn't know what to play. I 0:24:03.440 --> 0:24:07.520 closed my eyes and everything seemed to melt away. My 0:24:07.600 --> 0:24:09.920 hand felt like it was being moved by someone else, 0:24:10.480 --> 0:24:14.160 by something else. I hit an E flat, and then 0:24:14.200 --> 0:24:17.600 a G and then a B flat. I didn't know 0:24:17.640 --> 0:24:20.400 what I was doing at first, and then I recognized it. 0:24:21.080 --> 0:24:25.679 There was my song, Heroes and Villains. My stomach lurched 0:24:25.720 --> 0:24:28.639 forward as my mind flashed back to Van Dyke turning 0:24:28.720 --> 0:24:31.040 up at my house all those years ago, with that policeman, 0:24:31.720 --> 0:24:36.560 the schoolboy smile, the angry face of the officer. Then 0:24:36.600 --> 0:24:38.600 I thought about how we sat and wrote the lyrics 0:24:38.680 --> 0:24:42.160 for that song around my pool that night. I felt 0:24:42.160 --> 0:24:44.520 a wave of fear creep over me as I remembered 0:24:44.520 --> 0:24:47.800 how the single flopped faces of the people at the 0:24:47.840 --> 0:24:51.880 record company, Mike Love's bitter look and Carl's arm around 0:24:51.960 --> 0:24:54.080 my shoulder. How can you win if you only compete 0:24:54.119 --> 0:24:59.160 with yourself. I started to panic, so I opened my eyes. 0:25:00.240 --> 0:25:02.840 I was back in the room at Scott's house. The 0:25:02.880 --> 0:25:05.040 people at the party were all looking at me, grinning. 0:25:06.160 --> 0:25:09.560 I realized then that it didn't matter. That song didn't 0:25:09.560 --> 0:25:14.040 control me, that album didn't control me. I controlled me. 0:25:15.400 --> 0:25:17.640 I drew in a breath and sang the opening line 0:25:17.640 --> 0:25:20.600 to the song. I was worried that no one would 0:25:20.600 --> 0:25:23.480 sing along, but everyone joined in and we sang it 0:25:23.480 --> 0:25:26.960 from start to finish. But Linda hugged me afterwards and 0:25:26.960 --> 0:25:31.040 whispered in my ear, why did you play that? I 0:25:31.160 --> 0:25:33.399 told her I didn't know. It just came to me. 0:25:34.320 --> 0:25:37.280 When we got home later that night, Melinda went to bed, 0:25:37.320 --> 0:25:40.240 but I went to sit at the piano. I played 0:25:40.280 --> 0:25:44.320 Heroes and Villains all the way through again. After I finished, 0:25:44.560 --> 0:25:47.800 I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and 0:25:47.840 --> 0:26:20.399 I smiled. Roy Simmons sits in his office at the 0:26:20.400 --> 0:26:25.280 Martin Cadillac dealership in Los Angeles. He polishes his black 0:26:25.359 --> 0:26:27.840 dress shoes as he does every morning, even though it 0:26:27.920 --> 0:26:31.960 isn't company policy, it's routine left over from Roy's military days. 0:26:32.680 --> 0:26:35.560 He doesn't serve anymore, but he treats his job as 0:26:35.560 --> 0:26:38.240 a car salesman, just as seriously as he did his 0:26:38.280 --> 0:26:42.520 time in the military. Suddenly there's a flash from out 0:26:42.560 --> 0:26:45.399 of the main showroom of the dealership. But is it 0:26:45.480 --> 0:26:48.280 that keeps catching his eye? He thought he was imagining 0:26:48.280 --> 0:26:51.679 it earlier, but he definitely saw something this time, not 0:26:51.840 --> 0:26:56.520 the morning sun, something else, a car's headlights. He jumps 0:26:56.600 --> 0:26:58.399 up from his chair and walks over to the window 0:26:58.440 --> 0:27:01.480 of his office. Sickis hum of you at the whole showroom. 0:27:01.520 --> 0:27:05.159 Sure enough, the latest model, a Seville and sky Blue 0:27:05.560 --> 0:27:07.359 is sitting in the middle of the showroom with the 0:27:07.440 --> 0:27:11.080 slights going on and off. He walks back to his 0:27:11.160 --> 0:27:14.320 desk to sit down, but quickly changes his mind. He 0:27:14.400 --> 0:27:17.639 grabs the Seville's master key and walks out to the showroom. 0:27:18.119 --> 0:27:22.040 Moments later, he's opening the cars door. As he does, 0:27:22.640 --> 0:27:29.320 his blood runs cold. Five minutes earlier, Melinda Leadbetter brushes 0:27:29.320 --> 0:27:32.560 her hair carefully while gazing into the passenger side mirror 0:27:32.560 --> 0:27:36.199 of that same Seville. Today is a big day. A 0:27:36.200 --> 0:27:39.040 new car means a new selling point. It's not just 0:27:39.160 --> 0:27:41.760 a car, it's a car that other people don't have yet. 0:27:42.320 --> 0:27:44.560 Melinda likes to give her clients the feeling that they're 0:27:44.560 --> 0:27:47.720 getting something that your average Joe isn't getting. She doesn't 0:27:47.760 --> 0:27:50.280