Speaker 1: You don't really know somebody until you live with them.
Speaker 1: No truer statement. Dead as dead ass. I am an
Speaker 1: advocate for shacking up. Mama, don't kill me, but that's
Speaker 1: what we did and it worked. Dead asks. Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us
Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each
Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make
Speaker 1: you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important
Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this
Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,
Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the
Speaker 1: lens of a millennium married couple. Dead adds is the
Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say
Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to think, Phil
Speaker 1: talk to a whole new level. Dead as starts right now.
Speaker 1: Story time. This is when take us bank to two
Speaker 1: thousand and two thousand and sixteen, two sixteen, right before
Speaker 1: Cairo was born. We had moved back to our apartment
Speaker 1: in New York. Money was tight, wasn't low. Money was tight.
Speaker 1: We had a plan on moving out, so we were
Speaker 1: trying to save money. Blah blah blah. Kadina and I
Speaker 1: had gotten too a huge argument because I had looked
Speaker 1: at the American Express bill and she had spent I
Speaker 1: think it was something like six hundred dollars in Starbucks
Speaker 1: one month. It was. It was crazy. The reason why
Speaker 1: I remember six hundred dollars was because you had went
Speaker 1: to Starbucks practically like every day, and it was thirty
Speaker 1: days in a month, and it was my Starbucks. So
Speaker 1: I was, yil, this is six dollars on Starmucks. So
Speaker 1: I went through every single itemized thing of that codein
Speaker 1: has spent, right, And her argument was that a lot
Speaker 1: of the stuff that she bought was for the house.
Speaker 1: And I was just like, well, that's because you like
Speaker 1: to live a certain way. I don't need that. I
Speaker 1: could rough it. I'm good. So Condeine said, oh, Willie,
Speaker 1: So I go to the bathroom. After about a couple
Speaker 1: of days, going to the bathroom, I noticed that the
Speaker 1: toilet paper has changed. There's no more charming. It's straight,
Speaker 1: single ply toilet paper, right, and this ship hard like
Speaker 1: blue sleeve paper. So now my asshole is sore because
Speaker 1: I'm using the single plot sand paper toilet paper, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, you will take a ship about three five
Speaker 1: times a day. I have very hom taber puppy three
Speaker 1: or four times a day. So my my ship is
Speaker 1: on fire. So now I got my little extra money.
Speaker 1: I'm by a and deointment, right, and I'm just trying
Speaker 1: to make sure my my booty good. Right. So one day,
Speaker 1: one day, I go into ka closet because she had
Speaker 1: her own closet. Me being a husband, I am make
Speaker 1: sure she got home closet with her shoes and stuff.
Speaker 1: She had a walk in closet, right. I walk in
Speaker 1: there to get something. What do I find in the
Speaker 1: corner Sharman toilet paper? So Shorty, Shorty was not only
Speaker 1: having me going here with the royal ass, right, I'm
Speaker 1: walking around with the royal ass she hiding Sharman toilet
Speaker 1: paper in her closet. So I'm like, oh, this is
Speaker 1: what we're doing this, So what we're doing now? All right?
Speaker 1: So I go to the bathroom one day, I take
Speaker 1: an extra long shower, right, petty extra loan shower. I'm
Speaker 1: in the shower and conians like if I'm trying to
Speaker 1: get in there, right, so I get out the shower.
Speaker 1: I'm feeling good. I feel great, right, get out the shower.
Speaker 1: While I'm laying there on the bed, I'm counting it
Speaker 1: down three one, I'm like, what happened? She said, you
Speaker 1: use on my hair products? I said, correction, I didn't
Speaker 1: use it. I just flushed it down and toilet. Now
Speaker 1: he's wasting money, y'all, wasting money on my good, good
Speaker 1: hair products, my good up stuff, you know. And that
Speaker 1: started the petty wars. I want to love you, Oh,
Speaker 1: I want to love you every day and every night
Speaker 1: we'll be twigether yeah, with a rue friend over our heads.
Speaker 1: We'll share the shelter of my single bit until did
Speaker 1: that wants to complain to me about you're wrong for that? Bro?
Speaker 1: How you gonna have a man walking around here with
Speaker 1: his raw you know what? Walking around So we can
Speaker 1: dissect that story time, all right, like a cowboy cheeks
Speaker 1: was on fire. Let's go face some bills and we'll
Speaker 1: come back to this dis sex story time and explain
Speaker 1: what was going on all y'all. All right, and we're back, y'all.
Speaker 1: So about this toilet paper situation and to hear supplies, Okay,
Speaker 1: check our real petty, real quick, okay. But the best
Speaker 1: part about it was, well, two things, My mom, glad
Speaker 1: you're coming to the apartment. Do you remember when my
Speaker 1: mom came to the apartment. How could I forget? And
Speaker 1: she used the bathroom right, and oh mom, this was
Speaker 1: shortly after Devil was having his episode with the cardboard
Speaker 1: ass toilet paper. Right. My mother came by one day
Speaker 1: and she was helping, you know, with the kids and
Speaker 1: stuff like that and whatnot. And I remember her being
Speaker 1: in the bathroom and screaming out Goddean as only Mimi
Speaker 1: can call on name that weight. And I was like,
Speaker 1: what's the matter? What happened? What kind of toilet paper
Speaker 1: is this you bought? I'm here trying to wipe myself
Speaker 1: on my hand, just bust through the paper like that,
Speaker 1: exactly exactly. I was like, my exactly, well what kind
Speaker 1: of force were you trying to wipe yourself? But I
Speaker 1: feel was it necessary? And she was like, when you
Speaker 1: find this toilet paper? Why what where's the charming? Where's
Speaker 1: it this one here? What's going on with this toilet paper?
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, what's going on with you? You got
Speaker 1: stock in charming? Everybody is so concerned about charmante you.
Speaker 1: But you'll be the main one wrapping the toilet paper
Speaker 1: around your hand. You don't need that. You don't necessarily
Speaker 1: need to be wrapping and wrapping and wrapping. You'll be
Speaker 1: wrapping it. I don't be wrapping it out. I don't
Speaker 1: be rapping. How many cubes don't average? You used to wipe?
Speaker 1: How many cubes don't average? Cut on average? I was saying,
Speaker 1: depending on the day, depending on what's happening. Okay, it
Speaker 1: could be four to five depends. No, guys, she's lying.
Speaker 1: I I know because I count my cubes. I use
Speaker 1: no more than five cues of toilet paper to wipe.
Speaker 1: So because I fold fold, if you're go into the
Speaker 1: bathroom after me, I'll be folding the cubes and make
Speaker 1: sure that it's I get the most maximum usage. I
Speaker 1: go in there sometimes after you. It'd be a whole
Speaker 1: half a roll in it. And all she did was peace.
Speaker 1: That be your kids, That be a kid, No son.
Speaker 1: First of all, you haven't had a vagina, So until
Speaker 1: you know what it takes to white one, don't talk
Speaker 1: to me about how many cubes I use. Touche touche.
Speaker 1: But I do know. I do know it can't take
Speaker 1: you more than three cubes to pack that cat. You
Speaker 1: gotta pack the cat with three cubes. You can't use
Speaker 1: more than three cubes. Being't wasteful. That's a whole pack
Speaker 1: cat three Pat cat, three cubes. Pat the cat with
Speaker 1: three cubes. Pat the cat with three ques. That's all
Speaker 1: you need. That's all. It's gonna be a new rule
Speaker 1: in the house put up there. Well, I'm the only
Speaker 1: girl in the house now, so nobody's gonna be clocking
Speaker 1: my toilet paper usage at all. What you need to
Speaker 1: check is your little boys. We'll be doing a whole
Speaker 1: lot of rolling out now. But that was the best
Speaker 1: when my mom was literally like, what kind of doing
Speaker 1: the way when I wipe myself the way my hand
Speaker 1: bust through the paper like that, And I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: first of all, t M, I go washing hands before
Speaker 1: you didn't even leave the beast, go wash your hands. This.
Speaker 1: Then her and did the upper seeds to have a
Speaker 1: conversation about me and this bumass toilet paper that I
Speaker 1: got exactly, And then he asked mom to bring him
Speaker 1: home some sample packs of the andy at home so
Speaker 1: that you didn't have to buy Andy. It is barred
Speaker 1: from the baby. I mean, hey, I worked out your
Speaker 1: mother saved your mother saved our marriage. We're lathering up yere,
Speaker 1: you're coming here. If she didn't come in here and
Speaker 1: complain about that toilet paper, I would have left. Well.
Speaker 1: I had to say to her with my I got
Speaker 1: the stash in my my, my closet. Just you know,
Speaker 1: let's get to me the show, because this weapening in
Speaker 1: people's isms. Al Right, y'all dealing with people's isnes. What
Speaker 1: are the signs that you're ready to move in or not?
Speaker 1: Were not? Well? The first sign that you are ready
Speaker 1: to move in, it's good communication. Right. We talk about
Speaker 1: communication all the time on this show, but I'm explaining
Speaker 1: to you why communication is important when you move in, right,
Speaker 1: when you're dating someone and you'll have a spat, right,
Speaker 1: or y'all have an issue. People tend to say, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm going I don't have to take yes,
Speaker 1: I'm going home, so you can do that. Come on, man,
Speaker 1: it's my boy, cracles family, name anything thing they didn't.
Speaker 1: It's a rare condition this day in age to read
Speaker 1: any good news on the newspaper, but page that's what
Speaker 1: the toilet paper felt like newspaper. It felt like newspaper,
Speaker 1: was it at least the sports section? No, I'm still pissed.
Speaker 1: But anyway, when you when you are in a relationship
Speaker 1: with someone and your only refuge is leaving them, When
Speaker 1: when I have an argument, when you move in, there's
Speaker 1: no leaving right. So now I got a problem with you,
Speaker 1: you got a problem with me, and I gotta stare
Speaker 1: at you in the face. But we gotta sleep in
Speaker 1: the same room. That it kind of prepares you to
Speaker 1: learn how to communicate even before you get married. And
Speaker 1: here's the truth. Cadan says, she's she was all for
Speaker 1: shocking up. She wasn't. She wasn't all for shocking up
Speaker 1: two thousand and seven when I was living. Now she's
Speaker 1: gonna say, no, let's go back to I'm talking about
Speaker 1: shacking up for the purposes of knowing what it's like
Speaker 1: to live with somebody. Let's go back to the pressure.
Speaker 1: Remember the pressure, Remember the conversation, Remember the conversation that
Speaker 1: we had. You were just like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: be shocking up and be nobody's living girlfriend. That's a
Speaker 1: genuine issue for people. Oh yeah, talking about just shocking
Speaker 1: up in general. You mean, okay, right, so you weren't
Speaker 1: all for just shocking up, like we were trying to
Speaker 1: be purposeful about learning how to live with each other.
Speaker 1: Well also too, I think shocking up made sense for
Speaker 1: us two because we felt like, okay, here, we are
Speaker 1: a couple in our young twenties, right, we are trying
Speaker 1: to decide what it's going to look like for us
Speaker 1: to exist together, what our future is gonna look like, because,
Speaker 1: like we've said on previous shows, we've always talked very
Speaker 1: openly about our goals, our dreams, our hopes, things that
Speaker 1: we wanted to accomplish. So in my mind, I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: what sense does it make that I graduate from college, well,
Speaker 1: now grad school, right, because I don't have to pay
Speaker 1: for housing in grad school. I'm now twenty three graduating
Speaker 1: from grad school. You are, now, you know, working in
Speaker 1: the NFL, are doing what you're doing? Does it really
Speaker 1: make sense just for the sake of saying it, or
Speaker 1: just so that our parents could feel better? In our
Speaker 1: grandparents and all of our ancestors, they're gonna feel better
Speaker 1: because Okay, Cadine is paying rent over here to homeboy
Speaker 1: that we don't even know. Deval is paying rent to
Speaker 1: another homeboy over here that we don't even know. There's
Speaker 1: are two different rents that are going out of two
Speaker 1: people's accounts where they can just collectively work together if
Speaker 1: they're living together to pay one rent to then have
Speaker 1: the plan to say that other money to eventually purchase
Speaker 1: a home. To me, that just made sense in that moment, right.
Speaker 1: It wasn't necessarily a matter of just propose on time.
Speaker 1: That's because I'm just like, Okay, where's the next level
Speaker 1: of our relationship going? And that's and that's the reason
Speaker 1: why I said the whole thing about the pressure is
Speaker 1: that's the argument for some people, especially women, are just like,
Speaker 1: I'm not moving in because if I move in and
Speaker 1: then I'm playing wife and I don't have a ring,
Speaker 1: and then things are getting comfortable and getting comfortable. But
Speaker 1: you just explained all the reasons why I feel like
Speaker 1: it made sense for us to move into. Financially it
Speaker 1: made sense, but us, it made sense for us to
Speaker 1: learn how to communicate when it's like, here signs you're
Speaker 1: ready to move in. You have good communication, You talk
Speaker 1: about finances regularly, which we do. You served you survived
Speaker 1: a big argument, which we did. You talk through your
Speaker 1: relationship problems, which we did. You talk and agree about
Speaker 1: goals and expectations in your relationships, we did. Um, you
Speaker 1: can talk honestly about moving in together, which we did,
Speaker 1: and you can talk about your deepest fears from moving
Speaker 1: in together. The reason why those last three are very
Speaker 1: important is because those aren't talking about the rainbows and
Speaker 1: sunshine and moving into together. Because there's there's more rainy
Speaker 1: days when you live together than there is rainbows and
Speaker 1: sunshine when you're learning. And and I'm going to preface
Speaker 1: that by saying, they are more rainy days than rainbows
Speaker 1: and sunshine when you're learning. Once you've learned and you
Speaker 1: understand each other, the rainbow and sunshine days far out
Speaker 1: number the rainy days. You want to know something that's
Speaker 1: rainy often in the house now that we live together,
Speaker 1: even twenty years later, learning people's is ms and learning
Speaker 1: people's things, and like they're little ways, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I'm saying this at risk of sounding
Speaker 1: crazy because I know I had my ways. Okay, I
Speaker 1: just want to put one of the vows ways out
Speaker 1: there right. Okay, So my husband, love them to death,
Speaker 1: you know, has this thing where he likes to just
Speaker 1: like step out of his clothes and just leave it
Speaker 1: at the edge of the bed. I have a system.
Speaker 1: He just leaves it at the edge of the bed,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, bro, I'll clean everything in the room around,
Speaker 1: make the bed. That's that and third, but then there's
Speaker 1: just like this pile of clothes there. So if you're
Speaker 1: a person that just like gets irked by people's is
Speaker 1: ms or little things and you have pet peeves, those
Speaker 1: are things that you want to realize early on that
Speaker 1: you're cann decide, Okay, I am just going to deal
Speaker 1: with this because that's just what he does. And he's
Speaker 1: just cute when he leaves the ship at the side
Speaker 1: of the bed on the floor. And I'm trying to
Speaker 1: push your going in now, I don't try to be
Speaker 1: my friend now. Don't try now, because you put my
Speaker 1: business down the street. Now you trying to be my
Speaker 1: friends talking about here. It's all right because I I
Speaker 1: got equal business. I'm sure, and I said that I know.
Speaker 1: But it's just one of those things. People are going
Speaker 1: to have things that are gonna irk your nerves and
Speaker 1: you cannot walk away from that when you were living
Speaker 1: together with somebody, So think about that before moving in?
Speaker 1: What is your tolerance for pet peeves and is ms?
Speaker 1: Because if your threshold is not high for it, you
Speaker 1: might just be in a conundrum. That is really good
Speaker 1: because the next one the list was said, it said
Speaker 1: you accept the other person, you accept their mess, you
Speaker 1: make literally and decision. You make the decision. It says
Speaker 1: you can't go in believing you'll change your partner to
Speaker 1: think and live as you do. Right be, could you
Speaker 1: naturally want the person to be comfortable in their space,
Speaker 1: So you don't want to come into a situation where
Speaker 1: you're moving in and now you're micromanaging how that person
Speaker 1: should be living. For all that, stay your ass over
Speaker 1: in your own place. Right, Oh, you didn't tell this
Speaker 1: to your system? What's your system? Or my system of
Speaker 1: stepping out of my clothes? So when I stepped out
Speaker 1: of my clothes right there in the bed right like
Speaker 1: that my little shorts area. That's because MEMI often comes
Speaker 1: into the room to get the baby. Right, what if
Speaker 1: I'm naked and I gotta grab some shorts, I can
Speaker 1: step right into my shorts about the shorts beyond, as
Speaker 1: opposed to walking all the way to the closet pass Uh,
Speaker 1: meet me with my dangle laying out. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: be respectful, so I keep the shorts right there by
Speaker 1: the bed. I feel like that's a good, pretty good system,
Speaker 1: especially before me me though, you've been doing this since
Speaker 1: like college, because in college I had to jump in
Speaker 1: my shorts to be a five thirty a m workout,
Speaker 1: So I used to have my girdle and my shorts
Speaker 1: right there by the bed. As soon as that alarm ring,
Speaker 1: I don't want to waste no time. I used to
Speaker 1: step right in some the joints and I'm join us up,
Speaker 1: brush my teeth, go to workouts. I have a system. Okay,
Speaker 1: I guess judge my system. I don't judge you for
Speaker 1: sweeping dirt into the corner of the room and collecting
Speaker 1: it there for weeks at a time. I don't judge
Speaker 1: you for that. I don't judge you for keeping the
Speaker 1: messiest bathroom in the story of bathroom. My bathroom is
Speaker 1: not messy. My side is that messy. It just has
Speaker 1: a lot of things. I use a lot of products. Okay,
Speaker 1: so there's not mess there's just products. Okay, hey, fine,
Speaker 1: And that dirt sweeping, that dirt thing is like it's
Speaker 1: old news. I don't do that anymore. I used to, though,
Speaker 1: I was a chronic sweep everything to a corner because
Speaker 1: I couldn't find the dust span in the moment. So
Speaker 1: it's like whatever, I got a whole bunch of them,
Speaker 1: all right. We gave one some wigs randomly places, looking
Speaker 1: like whole heads, scaring the ship out of me. It'd
Speaker 1: be dark in this house. I'm already scared because this
Speaker 1: house is being and dark. I'm walking by someone. I'm
Speaker 1: think it's an intrude to no k gotta league on
Speaker 1: the back of the coffee table, big just how about
Speaker 1: made me drying wig? And the wine day? My mother's
Speaker 1: wig hanging off of this bottle of wine scared the
Speaker 1: piss out of me. I turned the corner to go
Speaker 1: to the pantry because number one, I was hot. You know,
Speaker 1: when you high, you'd be hungry and paranoid. Now I'm
Speaker 1: hungry in paranoid. I go to the pantry to go
Speaker 1: get me something to eat, and there's a curly wig
Speaker 1: just sitting there on the wine rack, almost ship on myself.
Speaker 1: Good thing we got to apply toilet paper now, because
Speaker 1: that's in abundance of ointment. Yes, compliments of Dakoda. But
Speaker 1: that's also when you learn to live with people, you
Speaker 1: understand what their isms are. So when you see a
Speaker 1: random wig for dirty bathroom, you don't get all excited
Speaker 1: and get you don't absolutely not even the kids. No
Speaker 1: cats is like that mimi's hair. It is what it is, alright.
Speaker 1: And another sign or more signs Rather you live rich
Speaker 1: and independent lives. That's that's cute, rich and independent lives.
Speaker 1: So once you move in, you will spend more time
Speaker 1: with your partner. Resentment can grow if you don't have
Speaker 1: your own life outside of your relationship and read one
Speaker 1: one one more time man. Resentment can grow if you
Speaker 1: don't have your own life outside of your relationship creating
Speaker 1: routines together that will help you build a home in
Speaker 1: a bond. But keeping your independence will keep you or
Speaker 1: will help you rather in the long run, and taking
Speaker 1: alone time when you need it. One of the biggest
Speaker 1: um complaints I get from people when they move in
Speaker 1: with their partner, significant other, wife, husband, whatever, is that
Speaker 1: one person is always a little bit more clingy than
Speaker 1: the other and once they first move in, it's now
Speaker 1: I'm going to spend all my time with you because
Speaker 1: we're living together, but then that person becomes your entertainment.
Speaker 1: So when that person doesn't make you feel good or
Speaker 1: that person doesn't make you feel comfortable in this space,
Speaker 1: you tend to blame that person for why you're feeling
Speaker 1: down because you don't have your own independent life, and
Speaker 1: then it's like no one else in your face. Because
Speaker 1: a lot of times sometimes I may just be, you know, white,
Speaker 1: might have woke up on the wrong side of the bed,
Speaker 1: or just been, you know, kind of having a lot
Speaker 1: on my mind and I kind of just want to
Speaker 1: be alone, or you know, in devout me like why
Speaker 1: are you sitting in this room by yourself? Or you know,
Speaker 1: why you why are you this? Or he may feel
Speaker 1: like I'm taking something out on hit on him, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, bro, I'm not trying to take it out
Speaker 1: on you. You just happen to be the other person
Speaker 1: that's in this space with me right now. I can't
Speaker 1: go anywhere to be alone in this moment. I can't
Speaker 1: be alone in a funk somewhere, and it's not necessarily
Speaker 1: a responsibility to bring me out of the funk, because
Speaker 1: I feel like, sometimes that's what you felt, you felt like, Okay,
Speaker 1: if she's not in a good mood and she's in
Speaker 1: the house with me, and then I have to find
Speaker 1: a way to get her out of it. Sometimes you
Speaker 1: just want to be alone, and that becomes difficult when
Speaker 1: you have nowhere to go because you live together. And
Speaker 1: I'll be honest with you, that's that's one of the
Speaker 1: biggest things too to learn, is that the person you
Speaker 1: live with may not always want to be around you.
Speaker 1: That hurts. I'm saying. If you're a social person and
Speaker 1: you're used to being around people and this is the
Speaker 1: person you're madly in love with, you feel like when
Speaker 1: y'all moving together, we're gonna watch movies together, we're gonna
Speaker 1: make out all the time, we're gonna be on each other.
Speaker 1: Then you're going there one day and that person look
Speaker 1: at you like then it's like, what did I do?
Speaker 1: But it's really nothing that you did. This person just
Speaker 1: wants their space. And a lot of times you don't
Speaker 1: realize that you may do that to the other person.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, because I used to say
Speaker 1: to you all the time, like you know, like I'm
Speaker 1: always running after you, always trying to find you. But
Speaker 1: then I don't realize when I go down in the
Speaker 1: man cave to be by myself. It's literally the same
Speaker 1: same exactly. Now I have to go find you and
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, why did you leave me in the
Speaker 1: room and go on? You do that a lot. I
Speaker 1: do do that a lot. But that's also something I
Speaker 1: had to realize, right, I was telling you to not
Speaker 1: do things that hurt my feelings while realizing I was
Speaker 1: doing those things. That's accountability, right. You would go in
Speaker 1: the room to get your own space, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: why you're always leaving me? But then I didn't realize
Speaker 1: that I used to leave and go in the man
Speaker 1: cave in the theater by myself to have my own time.
Speaker 1: Because when you're focusing on your own time, you're so
Speaker 1: focused on your own time, you don't realize how you're
Speaker 1: doing that is affecting other people, and it only matters
Speaker 1: to you when when they do it, it affects you.
Speaker 1: And we just have our favorite parts of the house.
Speaker 1: Like I just enjoy our bedroom. He enjoys the theater.
Speaker 1: So it's like I want to be like I would
Speaker 1: invite you to my favorite place to how about you
Speaker 1: just coming handed out in the middle day and I'm
Speaker 1: just like no, I just we should just be able
Speaker 1: to spend time in our room together because that's just
Speaker 1: my favorite place, which is person And I think that
Speaker 1: having an independent lifestyle is very important for mental health
Speaker 1: because your sanity, your happiness cannot be predicated on someone
Speaker 1: else's existence, because then then they're always gonna fall short,
Speaker 1: they're always gonna feel inadequate, and you're always gonna feel
Speaker 1: like you're pulling teeth or reaching for something that's not there. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: So this one I don't know, because this is one
Speaker 1: of the reasons why we did this. It says you're
Speaker 1: not doing it for convenience, So don't move in with
Speaker 1: the spouse to save money. Convenience may make other parts
Speaker 1: of your life better, but it won't improve your relationship.
Speaker 1: If your only reason to move in with each other
Speaker 1: is to save money, then that's a horrible reason to
Speaker 1: move in together. And then that that then you're looking
Speaker 1: for a roommate like you're not really looking for a
Speaker 1: spout for a relationship situation, You're just looking to save money.
Speaker 1: So if two people are you know, can amically live
Speaker 1: together and say all right, well I just need to
Speaker 1: save money, you need to save money and then we
Speaker 1: can just come and go and do our own thing.
Speaker 1: Then fine, but not being the sole purpose. It can't
Speaker 1: be the sole person, because that makes sense. The sole
Speaker 1: purpose has to be because I love serving this person
Speaker 1: so much that I would want to be around them
Speaker 1: more often. That has to be the sole purpose. Everything
Speaker 1: else is a byproduct. Of course, you save money and
Speaker 1: it's more convenient when you live together, but it has
Speaker 1: to be something you want to do, not feeling like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's something I have to do now because this will
Speaker 1: help me in a different aspect of my life, right,
Speaker 1: because the focus will just be saving money, and then
Speaker 1: what else. You know, you're on the same page about
Speaker 1: your relationship, so that spirals into that, don't ignore your
Speaker 1: relationship problems. Issues will grow once you move in together
Speaker 1: if they have not been addressed. Absolutely absolutely that is
Speaker 1: I don't even no explanation, that's just. But then and
Speaker 1: I went through this. There was a point where we
Speaker 1: were talking about getting separated and talking about possibly getting
Speaker 1: a divorce, and then we were thinking about how inconvenient
Speaker 1: it would be for us to not be living under
Speaker 1: the same roof, and then we started thinking about how
Speaker 1: much we would hate not being around each other. Because
Speaker 1: here's the truth. As mad as I am Atcadeean, at times,
Speaker 1: I feel exponentially better when I know she's safe in
Speaker 1: the house. So with me, yes with me. So so
Speaker 1: for me, it's like I can be mad, I'm fine
Speaker 1: on mad. And this is before we even had the
Speaker 1: big house, when we lived in the apartment. Even if
Speaker 1: I'm mad and she's in the kitchen and I'm in
Speaker 1: the living room, or she's in the living room and
Speaker 1: I'm in the dining room, I'm fine with that as
Speaker 1: long as I can see her and I know she's okay.
Speaker 1: Because the things that used to hurt me was when
Speaker 1: she used to get mad and she'd be out somewhere
Speaker 1: or driving. My biggest fear is that something happens to
Speaker 1: her while she's in a rage or she's upset. So
Speaker 1: um for me, just living together just was it was
Speaker 1: always important for me to know that you were always safe.
Speaker 1: You know, you're definitely on the same page with that,
Speaker 1: because my soul would not rest and that's not new.
Speaker 1: Like a couple of times, you know, back in the
Speaker 1: day of that, we get man, he's like, I'm on
Speaker 1: my brother's house or go to my father, and I
Speaker 1: would think the same thing too, Like, God forbid something
Speaker 1: happens on the way you just left me in this rage,
Speaker 1: and then God forbid something happens. Then what um? And
Speaker 1: even though we'd be pissed at each other and you
Speaker 1: may have to be in the living room or I'll
Speaker 1: be in the living room in another room, just the
Speaker 1: fact that we knew it, okay, at least he's breathing
Speaker 1: around the corner right even I hate that motherfucking breath
Speaker 1: right now. I hate that breath. But at least he's
Speaker 1: breathing in my vicinity. So be good. Ain't nothing better
Speaker 1: when your partner is trying to apologize or break the ice.
Speaker 1: So y'all haven't talked for a couple of hours and
Speaker 1: everything is like super thick in the apartment, beyond saying nothing.
Speaker 1: And then she walks in with your favorite red shorts on,
Speaker 1: her crop top shirt on with no bra, and she
Speaker 1: rolls her eyes. She goes, are you hungry? And it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's your apology, And she's like, ilogi, I wonder if
Speaker 1: you're hungry, cause I'm about to eat. I don't want
Speaker 1: to hear nothing. Then she turned around real slow and
Speaker 1: stared back at you and it's like, I'm gonna make
Speaker 1: your favorite sandwich. Then you like I know, she was,
Speaker 1: she ready for this to be over, Like those be
Speaker 1: the best part at that part, it's like I get it.
Speaker 1: I get when I see the red co ed shorts.
Speaker 1: I know you'll probably have seen them on Instagram or
Speaker 1: YouTube because k knows if those are my favorite shorts,
Speaker 1: and she knows I've had those shorts since I was
Speaker 1: oh my god six, when I first fact that they
Speaker 1: can still fit me. They do not hit you the
Speaker 1: same way, They do not fit you the same way,
Speaker 1: but they fit though they do. So that's that back
Speaker 1: in the day fabric that you can wash for years
Speaker 1: and years and years and it should still be intact.
Speaker 1: No holes, no friends. That's true though, the elasticity in
Speaker 1: the waist, those those shorts over twenty years old, and
Speaker 1: it's the co wed still on them in the back right,
Speaker 1: and get washed out and get washed out. Um well,
Speaker 1: when I first met you, those shorts were appropriate for
Speaker 1: you to wear because you used to wear the camp
Speaker 1: and they would come down to Alicia mid now things
Speaker 1: almost like they ain't about to right at murder. That's
Speaker 1: what it is. Yes, the whole last. That's some of
Speaker 1: the favorite things about living with somebody. Yeah, you get
Speaker 1: to see them in all of their glory all the time.
Speaker 1: But let's get back to um. Yeah, you stayed together before,
Speaker 1: so taking a trip or extended stay together right for
Speaker 1: periods of time will help you to see these hidden
Speaker 1: facts about how your spouse lives. Yeah, because there's nothing
Speaker 1: like meeting this beautiful pageant girl and you're just so
Speaker 1: enamored by how long her hair is and how pretty
Speaker 1: she is and how perfect her smile is and her
Speaker 1: body is amazing. And then y'all staying together for the
Speaker 1: first time, and then she rolls over and you find
Speaker 1: out that she wears a retainer, so you reach over
Speaker 1: to give her a kiss, and you're like, hey baby,
Speaker 1: and she's just like whom And You're like, why are
Speaker 1: you talking like that? And now she drooling in her
Speaker 1: sleep and she snores retainer and you've all in never
Speaker 1: about this woman just to find out that just realis
Speaker 1: a guy. Y'all. That was as real as it got.
Speaker 1: When I tell you, I never forget the talk you
Speaker 1: had on this is the first night you stayed with me.
Speaker 1: You had on that lavender boy, short broad combination. I
Speaker 1: was like, like, my baby, right did And then he
Speaker 1: was laying in the bed, turned over and I had
Speaker 1: my arm around you, threw my leg on. You was spooning,
Speaker 1: and I was like you baby, and you're like yes,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I was like, that's a pretty on,
Speaker 1: spot on, like Daffy Duck impersonation that you're doing. And
Speaker 1: he was like, what what do you mean? I was like,
Speaker 1: why did you sound like that right now? And you
Speaker 1: literally said suffering for my retainer and I was like wow, wow,
Speaker 1: I was I'm gonna ask you for some head, but
Speaker 1: I don't want to know more. I'm not capping. I'm
Speaker 1: not capping. I didn't want to get no head. At
Speaker 1: that point, I couldn't even know if he was breathing
Speaker 1: because you was breathing like everything was off from like
Speaker 1: your You should have went to the n T doctor
Speaker 1: because your ear nose and throat was all clogged. The
Speaker 1: retainer just had it all sorts of fun up. But
Speaker 1: I still tries. I had to pay for straight teeth
Speaker 1: and I will not apologize. Don't apologize, retainer, and you
Speaker 1: would have seen me pre braces. They need to be
Speaker 1: making fun of me for a whole another thing. You'll
Speaker 1: be calling me bugs bunny. You went from bugs to day. Yes,
Speaker 1: you went from bugs to daffie, and I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Death is way better anyway, you better? Okay? Is it
Speaker 1: sad for a break? It? Because right now we can
Speaker 1: take a break and get back to some listen to
Speaker 1: let we'll be back, y'all. Alright, we're back listen at
Speaker 1: the time. We've told y'all way too much about devots as.
Speaker 1: You know that y'all have learned all the things. I'm
Speaker 1: sure more things than not that you care to learn
Speaker 1: about today. So let's learn about y'all. Okay, how about
Speaker 1: we gett into these listed as. Has never been the
Speaker 1: same since that putty battle like like this is yo,
Speaker 1: Like I was so pissed. Come on, that's a very
Speaker 1: forgiving area. It should have healed by now. It definitely healed. Alright,
Speaker 1: definitely healed. But it's not the same. It's not the same.
Speaker 1: I feel like it just gets irritated way too quickly.
Speaker 1: I was started getting the flushable wipes not right, because
Speaker 1: you can't use regular wipes the flesh. That's what I'm saying. Now,
Speaker 1: I gotta use fleshable age No, it comes to your
Speaker 1: wife setting you up for for disaster. Think about in
Speaker 1: your lifespan, how much ass wiping you have to do,
Speaker 1: like in your entire lifespan. That's a lot of trauma
Speaker 1: to that area. Charming, you don't have a problem when
Speaker 1: you use sandpaper and sticks and rocks because your wife's
Speaker 1: trying to approve a point. That's what happens. And ever
Speaker 1: since you put out my hair product, my hair and
Speaker 1: never been the same. I'm over here having a Beijing
Speaker 1: my ship, all right, so we we both even, right. Anyhow,
Speaker 1: let's get into your Listen, no letters, because we can
Speaker 1: go on for days about this. Now you go first
Speaker 1: for a change. How about that perfect, I'll read the
Speaker 1: second one. Hey, my name is Mohammed Zidan. I've been
Speaker 1: with my girlfriend for fifteen months, and lately we've been
Speaker 1: doing terrible. She told me I heard her, and she
Speaker 1: doesn't want She doesn't want to build me anymore because
Speaker 1: I don't communicate or update her, and she didn't feel
Speaker 1: loved anymore. I'm in school to be a registered nurse
Speaker 1: and I work with my dad at a convenience store,
Speaker 1: so I have no time to take her out. Oh,
Speaker 1: take her out at all, and I've been really focused
Speaker 1: on my dad's business in school because I know once
Speaker 1: I become a nurse, life will be better for us
Speaker 1: and I will be more free to take her out
Speaker 1: and treat her good. Bro, that's all one sentence. That's
Speaker 1: a whole paragraph, Mohammed, I love you and I'm so
Speaker 1: thankful for you right in, But that was a paragraph
Speaker 1: for no period in there, the whole paragraph no period.
Speaker 1: That was amazing, that was a full thought. But in
Speaker 1: the process, I forgot that I needed a period. No.
Speaker 1: I forgot that I needed to communicate and and keep
Speaker 1: her happy right now so we both could get to
Speaker 1: the future. She wants nothing to do with me, but
Speaker 1: I'm in love with her and I don't want to
Speaker 1: lose her. But she heard this so many times. She
Speaker 1: doesn't believe I really changed and wants to do better.
Speaker 1: She always sends me videos of both of your Instagram
Speaker 1: because we really look up to y'all. So can you
Speaker 1: help me out please and tell me if there is
Speaker 1: a if this is regular for couples to go through,
Speaker 1: and tell me if y'all been through something like this
Speaker 1: before and how y'all dealt with it. Please, It would
Speaker 1: mean the world to me. So O Mohammed with the
Speaker 1: home girl cute. I love that, and he's working to
Speaker 1: be a registered nurse. That's that's dope. We need more
Speaker 1: male nurses out there, So Mohammed. From two thousand and
Speaker 1: ten to two thousand and four, Team Kadina and I
Speaker 1: had just got married, and this was four years I
Speaker 1: had made a decision that I was going to focus
Speaker 1: solely on getting into TV, film and building my business.
Speaker 1: With that being said, I had to make sacrifices. Kady
Speaker 1: didn't getting no designer bags, we didn't go on any
Speaker 1: fancy dates, we didn't go on any vacations. The two
Speaker 1: of us committed to sacrificing that moment for the rest
Speaker 1: of our lives. So we did what we had to
Speaker 1: do in those moments to live the way we wanted
Speaker 1: to live for the rest of our lives. As long
Speaker 1: as you communicate with your spouse or your significant other
Speaker 1: what your plan is, they'll feel comfortable in that moment
Speaker 1: with you because you're doing it together. If you neglected
Speaker 1: to tell her that you didn't forget about her, but
Speaker 1: you're working towards something in the future, she's gonna believe
Speaker 1: that you just forgot about her. That absolutely there was
Speaker 1: not a data went by, especially for me coming from
Speaker 1: the NFL and con at least spoiling Codeine. Right, I
Speaker 1: didn't feel horrible or not about not being able to
Speaker 1: do the same things for her at that point in
Speaker 1: our marriage, especially because we had just got married. But
Speaker 1: you'll be shocked and how resilient the ones that love
Speaker 1: you are when it comes to the things they need
Speaker 1: and want if it's gonna be for the betterment of
Speaker 1: YouTube collectively, because Codeine definitely didn't. And Codeine loves bags,
Speaker 1: she loves shoes, she loves to travel, she loves to
Speaker 1: be spoiled. But for those four years, I never got
Speaker 1: to complaint. This is the this is the facts. Codeine
Speaker 1: never said to me, you don't never to take me nowhere.
Speaker 1: And when I tell you, we didn't go nowhere, we
Speaker 1: didn't go nowhere Like date nights, we had creative, we
Speaker 1: were in the house known. There was no Ruth Chris,
Speaker 1: there was no Del Friscos, there was no we didn't
Speaker 1: we were Busters Blockbuster. We're just building and m There's
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with going through that part of your relationship together.
Speaker 1: If you both speak on yeah, I think on the
Speaker 1: flip side, Mohammed, Um, coming from maybe her perspective just
Speaker 1: not feeling necessarily included in the plan or feeling like
Speaker 1: she's a part of the plan Um can also to
Speaker 1: be a little bit a bit of a turn because
Speaker 1: you're just kind of unsure about what what's happening here?
Speaker 1: What's the purpose right? Um? What are we working towards?
Speaker 1: And if she's really invested, and if she's really in
Speaker 1: love with you and really loves you and can see
Speaker 1: a future with you, then she really honestly should have
Speaker 1: no problem being able to say, you know what, babe,
Speaker 1: this is going to be a sacrificial point for both
Speaker 1: of us because we know if we just like put
Speaker 1: our heads down and we just work and we work,
Speaker 1: and we work right now, we can definitely see the
Speaker 1: benefits of it later. Now. I don't know much about her,
Speaker 1: but if she's a homegirl that's looking to just you know,
Speaker 1: say hey, I'm looking for all the things now now now,
Speaker 1: because let's be for real, that's what social media has
Speaker 1: people feeling, like, you know, being in these relationships that
Speaker 1: all this fancy ship is happening now, especially younger like
Speaker 1: I'm looking at even well in their twenties, you know,
Speaker 1: mid twenties that are just out there doing lavish things,
Speaker 1: you know, with whatever opportunities they have. If she's looking
Speaker 1: for that and she's not willing to stick around for
Speaker 1: that um long haul with you, then that also might
Speaker 1: be worth the conversation as well. So I think it
Speaker 1: all goes back to you just being really transparent with
Speaker 1: her about your intentions. Um, and maybe a timeline. You know,
Speaker 1: divin I used to talk about things in terms of years, like, Okay,
Speaker 1: what's our goal for this year? You know, where we
Speaker 1: see ourselves in the next two years, where we see
Speaker 1: ourselves in the next five years. You know that also too,
Speaker 1: can kind of give at least something that feels a
Speaker 1: little bit more tangible than it's just empty promises what
Speaker 1: it may seem like. But we also can't let him
Speaker 1: off the hook, right. If you have to describe wealth
Speaker 1: in one word, that word is time. People find time
Speaker 1: for the things that are important to them. If she's
Speaker 1: important to to you, you gotta find time for her.
Speaker 1: Bro and time costs you nothing, you know, Take her
Speaker 1: and take her to a park, you know, um, make
Speaker 1: us get you find out what her favorite movie is,
Speaker 1: Make a a movie night. Hell you find on a
Speaker 1: convenience store, get hug get some sandwiches, get some snacks,
Speaker 1: put that in a basket. Get you a blanket or
Speaker 1: a sheet out your mama's closet or yours. Spread that
Speaker 1: sh it out and it's the whole picnic bow dollar tree.
Speaker 1: You get some candles, make it cute. Get you some
Speaker 1: little candles or whatever. Make a cute, some little rose
Speaker 1: petals or whatever. Make you for the convenience store. Tell Danyo,
Speaker 1: make the time. Make the time, bro more than anything else.
Speaker 1: Make the time there we go, time to spend in
Speaker 1: time to communicate. Al right, Second question, Hey to Valcande. First,
Speaker 1: I'd like to say that I absolutely love y'all. I've
Speaker 1: been following your family since the Val was trying to
Speaker 1: get the boys dressed and out of the house when
Speaker 1: Cairo was just a baby. Y'all are a dope as family.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. It's been a minute. Carol was
Speaker 1: a whole last grown man. Now I'm a thirty three
Speaker 1: year old woman has who has been with my husband
Speaker 1: for eight years, married for almost five. We're married for
Speaker 1: two years before our we had our first child. When
Speaker 1: our daughter just four months old, I found out I
Speaker 1: was pregnant again with our son. We had babies back
Speaker 1: to back, so they're just eleven point five months eleven
Speaker 1: and a half months apart. My daughter is two and
Speaker 1: my son is sixteen months. Before the babies, our marriage
Speaker 1: was amazing. Sex was off the charts, date nights were often,
Speaker 1: and we were literally literally didn't have much to argue about.
Speaker 1: We spent time together and put one another first. We're
Speaker 1: truly best friends. After having two not so good pregnancies,
Speaker 1: hubby didn't adjust well to the pregnancy hormones two times
Speaker 1: um our marriage started to decline. I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: a married, single mom. I worked full time as an
Speaker 1: elementary school teacher, maintaining our home, soul, chef and everything
Speaker 1: to take care of our very active toddlers. He feels
Speaker 1: like I put the kids first, and I've forgotten how
Speaker 1: to be a wife. I literally have no energy from
Speaker 1: my husband after working, cooking and being a mom. I've
Speaker 1: expressed that he if he would help more than I
Speaker 1: would have more energy for him. I've started to build
Speaker 1: resentment towards my husban and because I feel like he
Speaker 1: does the bare minimum to help with our kids and
Speaker 1: I want him to help more and be a true partner.
Speaker 1: I've communicated this to my husband, but there has been
Speaker 1: no consistent change. I want my marriage and desire to
Speaker 1: keep my family together. How can I get my husband
Speaker 1: to be the partner I need and bring the spark
Speaker 1: back into our marriage. There's two things we don't the
Speaker 1: chicken or the egg in this in this sense, right,
Speaker 1: he says she forgot how to be a wife. She
Speaker 1: says he's not really good to being a father in
Speaker 1: a productive partner. We don't know which came first. Right,
Speaker 1: of course, she had two tough pregnancies. Right, We don't
Speaker 1: know if because of the hormones, her attitude pushed him away,
Speaker 1: or we don't know if his neglect during the pregnancy
Speaker 1: pushed her away. You see what I'm saying. It would
Speaker 1: be nice to hear both of their perspective, so we
Speaker 1: can kind of put a timeline together which came first,
Speaker 1: Because once you know which came first, then you can
Speaker 1: attack the root problem. All the other problems become eye
Speaker 1: products of the root problem. Right. For example, A lot
Speaker 1: of times, and you and I have talked about this
Speaker 1: during pregnancy. Then after pregnancy, when you are a mom,
Speaker 1: some women lose sight of the fact that you still
Speaker 1: have to be a wife and be of service to
Speaker 1: your husband the same way your husband has to continuously
Speaker 1: be of service to you even when you have kids.
Speaker 1: Right as a partner, as a spouse, you don't get
Speaker 1: the chance. You don't get an opportunity to say, well,
Speaker 1: I'm no longer serving you because we have kids. That's
Speaker 1: both sides. Husband does not allow to say that, and
Speaker 1: a wife is not allowed to say that. So we
Speaker 1: we have to be cognizant as partners and spouses that
Speaker 1: we have a responsibility to continuously take care of each
Speaker 1: other while having kids. You don't get to put that aside,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Well, you had gotten a
Speaker 1: little backlash once when you had said that you put
Speaker 1: me before the kids. Yes, and um, we were just
Speaker 1: kind of like, why would we not? Well this this
Speaker 1: is why you get back because people tend to be
Speaker 1: idiots right when they'll say they'll say stuff like which
Speaker 1: comes first, the kids or your spouse? They want to
Speaker 1: equate that too. There's one piece of chicken left in
Speaker 1: the house, who are You're given a piece of chicken
Speaker 1: to your kids or your spouse, and then you have
Speaker 1: to make a decision, and based on the decision you make,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, that decides whether or not
Speaker 1: you're good person. Not that's not how life works. If
Speaker 1: all the kids are full and there's one piece of
Speaker 1: chicken left, so my wife is gonna get it because
Speaker 1: she's hungry. Context, Like, people need to understand there's context
Speaker 1: with these stupid ask questions. They ask to kind of
Speaker 1: put people in the box. Right. I will always put
Speaker 1: my wife first, mainly because my wife and I are
Speaker 1: the ones who created this life together. My wife is
Speaker 1: a better mom when I put her first, so she'll
Speaker 1: be better for the kids if I make sure that
Speaker 1: she is good in all aspects of life. That's one
Speaker 1: thing I can appreciate. And that's always mentality. Right. That's
Speaker 1: why we said, you know in the previous podcast, why
Speaker 1: we have met and Papa here because you felt like
Speaker 1: if I can help to take some of these stress,
Speaker 1: some of the you know, the demands off of you
Speaker 1: on a day to day basis, think that will free
Speaker 1: up time for you to be more of a wife
Speaker 1: and a spouse. To me, yes, and people need to
Speaker 1: understand that when they have kids. A lot of people
Speaker 1: when they get kids and this is not me talking
Speaker 1: because I've done it perfectly. I've done the same thing.
Speaker 1: There's been times where I've been so invested in our
Speaker 1: children that I forgot to be a husband, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, And that that happens if you're not
Speaker 1: constantly doing evaluations of yourself and saying, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, when's the last time I've done this
Speaker 1: for my wife? This just happened, but two nights ago.
Speaker 1: I I thought I was doing a fairly good job
Speaker 1: of bouncing back after Dakota and just trying to get
Speaker 1: back to my routine of things and trying to make
Speaker 1: sure that you were taken care of and we're spending
Speaker 1: time together. And then Dakota gets sick, and then I'm
Speaker 1: literally instantly in mom mode. I'm just like baby, baby, baby,
Speaker 1: baby baby, And was just like damn, I feel like
Speaker 1: I lost my girlfriend again, Like where did you go?
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, bro, I'm in my mode right
Speaker 1: now because I need to be because our baby is sick.
Speaker 1: Are you really going to be upset? Because like, right
Speaker 1: now can't have all the attention on you. But it's
Speaker 1: also just like a give and take, like you have
Speaker 1: to know when things, who needs what more more in
Speaker 1: that one moment, you know what I'm saying, and making
Speaker 1: sure that it's balanced, because then we have the nights
Speaker 1: where we have date nights where I'm like, all right,
Speaker 1: these two nights of the week. You know, I want
Speaker 1: to try to make sure that Mimi keeps the baby
Speaker 1: downstairs so I can focus on He'll be time. You know,
Speaker 1: I understand that. But what happens is is sometimes you
Speaker 1: tend to think that you're doing everything in your power,
Speaker 1: but you're not utilizing the assets that I've helped provide
Speaker 1: you that you can be a girlfriend mom. Right, So,
Speaker 1: for example, if the baby is sick and not feeling well,
Speaker 1: your mom is not only a dope grandmother and mother
Speaker 1: of three kids, she's also a registered nurse. So if
Speaker 1: anybody can take care of the baby, it's her. And
Speaker 1: if the baby is not in a dire need for
Speaker 1: their parents, let the help help. That's why mom lives here.
Speaker 1: Mom lives here for those purposes. You take away Mom's
Speaker 1: power away when you don't allow her to help when
Speaker 1: she really wants to help, and then say to me
Speaker 1: with the vow you know I gotta do this. Actually,
Speaker 1: you don't have to do it, because there's a lot
Speaker 1: of times I have to delegate responsibilities to your mom
Speaker 1: or your dad when I have to make sure I'm
Speaker 1: doing things to make sure you're okay. And I think
Speaker 1: that we as spouses have to learn that it is
Speaker 1: okay to say, you know what, my child does need me,
Speaker 1: but I've created create a great space here where my
Speaker 1: child is going to be taken care of. Let me
Speaker 1: make sure my spouse is okay. It's not okay to
Speaker 1: always put your spouse on the back burner, like it's
Speaker 1: not always okay with that your your spouse always get
Speaker 1: what's left over. Nobody always wants to be I'll deal
Speaker 1: with you after because like she said, she said, I
Speaker 1: do this, I do that, I am help with the kids,
Speaker 1: to help with this, but at the end of the day.
Speaker 1: So then now you're trying to get back to your
Speaker 1: husband at the end of the day. And she she's
Speaker 1: not the only person that does that. I know. I've
Speaker 1: done that plenty of times when I got so into
Speaker 1: Jackson's basketball and then still I have to train, and
Speaker 1: then I have to meet with my castmates for for readings,
Speaker 1: and then Cairo wants to work out, and I'm realized
Speaker 1: a couple of days have gone by and I'm like, oh, shoot,
Speaker 1: I haven't even hugged on a kissed on my wife.
Speaker 1: I haven't checked on my wife. So it's not a
Speaker 1: thing that just moms do it. Dad's do it too.
Speaker 1: I got so engrossed in what Jackson and Cairo needed
Speaker 1: and what I needed for my career. I forgot to
Speaker 1: be a husband. And it's okay when you realize that
Speaker 1: you forgot, but now you got to fix it and
Speaker 1: make sure that that doesn't become a pattern. It's the
Speaker 1: pattern that becomes the problem. Because if it's just a
Speaker 1: couple of times that happens here and there, we get it.
Speaker 1: She gets busy stuff all through the tracks. We're adults.
Speaker 1: We can understand that, you know. But yeah, it's when
Speaker 1: things become a pattern. And I think what happened in
Speaker 1: her circumstance too. She said that he's not agreeing to
Speaker 1: help more with the children. So it's like she all
Speaker 1: she has left at the end of the day is
Speaker 1: no energy because she's been doing everything all day. So
Speaker 1: I'm curious to know why he is not as involved
Speaker 1: with the children to kind of help meet her. You
Speaker 1: know if it means like, Okay, she cooks dinner and
Speaker 1: he does bathtime, or like, how do they distribute the
Speaker 1: help in the house so to make sure that they
Speaker 1: can both have time for each other. This is way
Speaker 1: I read between the lines. She said he had a
Speaker 1: tough time dealing with the hormones. Typically that means I'm
Speaker 1: not responsible for the things I did. And I said,
Speaker 1: because it was the hormones and my husband was not
Speaker 1: used to dealing with it, doesn't that says the hormones.
Speaker 1: That's not an excuse for you behaving poorly postpartument the
Speaker 1: same time, which we've been. We've been been, so I
Speaker 1: understand that. But that makes you wonder like, okay, if
Speaker 1: if your hormones are that bad, were you even receptive
Speaker 1: to him helping? Because here's the thing I've noticed, even
Speaker 1: with moms, don't worry, I got it. Don't worry, I
Speaker 1: got it. Do it this way, let me do it,
Speaker 1: do it this way. Fine, you do it your way.
Speaker 1: Now I'm letting you do it your way. And you
Speaker 1: don't even want to help. Come on, bro, did we
Speaker 1: have this conversation? You have friends recently? Yes, you have
Speaker 1: to let dad's and and this is not me taking
Speaker 1: aside when I'm pointing out are things that happened in
Speaker 1: relationships that people don't realize happen. For example, a dude
Speaker 1: may be dealing with the fact that their wife is
Speaker 1: going through hormonal changes, so he steps back, which is
Speaker 1: something you shouldn't do. Or she may not want him
Speaker 1: to help the way he wants to help because his
Speaker 1: version of help doesn't look like hers, which you shouldn't do,
Speaker 1: so he steps back. You see what I'm saying. We
Speaker 1: have to dissect with the problem came from before we
Speaker 1: can even help these people, because I kind of want
Speaker 1: to know, like, well, what happened first. Definitely get his
Speaker 1: perspective because they were best friends. Let friends don't just
Speaker 1: quit on each other. Now, something had to happen, and
Speaker 1: it's a rough patch man, Like once she was introduced.
Speaker 1: They were married for eight years, almost five and they
Speaker 1: were married for two before they had their daughters, so
Speaker 1: they had a nice little stint was just the two
Speaker 1: of them, and kids can totally just coming in and
Speaker 1: chap and screw ship up. And here's the truth. Guys,
Speaker 1: don't don't feel guilty or be upset when you don't.
Speaker 1: I saw what I mean, neither think it was. Kid.
Speaker 1: Kid was talking about how he just don't like being
Speaker 1: a parent all the time, and sometimes he has to
Speaker 1: go in the room and just scream or talk to
Speaker 1: himself because he's like, I don't like these little people
Speaker 1: having so much control over my life. But then people
Speaker 1: will make people will feel guilty about it, like this
Speaker 1: is such a blessing. I'm supposed to like it. It's
Speaker 1: a change, and it's okay for you to not be
Speaker 1: comfortable in that change, but find ways to cope, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. And it's the same thing when
Speaker 1: you you know, when you have your kids and your wife.
Speaker 1: There are times where I look at my wife and
Speaker 1: she's all running around my kids, and everything is the kids, kids, kids,
Speaker 1: all day, all day, all day, and then at nighttime
Speaker 1: when I want to watch a movie or something, that
Speaker 1: she's passed out, like damn, I just wanted my girlfriend,
Speaker 1: Like I wanted to watch a movie. I wanted to cuddle,
Speaker 1: I wanted to make out, I wanted to have I
Speaker 1: wanted to play pool and flirt and have those moments,
Speaker 1: but I couldn't. And the human in me gets jealous
Speaker 1: of the fact that you chose to use your energy
Speaker 1: towards the kids. That's fine. How you respond to that feeling,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be indicative of the type of man you are,
Speaker 1: and I think that's what a lot more men need
Speaker 1: to realize. It's okay if you have those feelings the
Speaker 1: same way. So okay if moms, you feel guilty when
Speaker 1: your husband is so focused on the kids and he's
Speaker 1: not paying attention to you. Y'all haven't done date night,
Speaker 1: he hasn't brought you flowers because y'all may have a
Speaker 1: daughter and all his attention is on his little girl,
Speaker 1: or y'all may have a son and he's at football
Speaker 1: practice for hours and he hasn't taken you anywhere or
Speaker 1: done anything. It's okay to feel upset about that. But
Speaker 1: how you respond to those times and how you communicate
Speaker 1: those times is what's gonna be indicative of how your
Speaker 1: relationship makes it or not making facts on facts on
Speaker 1: facts right into us. If you want to be featured
Speaker 1: as the listener letter, best place to do it is
Speaker 1: emailing us all right, d ms, get flooded. All that
Speaker 1: I told you before. Please don't give me the dissertations
Speaker 1: and the d ms because you probably won't see him
Speaker 1: and I won't see him. So advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's d E A d A S s A d
Speaker 1: v I C at gmail dot com. You did it again,
Speaker 1: v I C at Gmail. But it's okay. People can
Speaker 1: e ad A s A s A d v I
Speaker 1: C at gmail dot com. Fabulous. Okay, Now you're not
Speaker 1: gonna keep you if you wanna talk to Mohammed about
Speaker 1: his punctuation, not gonna make sure you're spelling ship right,
Speaker 1: all right, that's just what it is. Same punctuation with
Speaker 1: your retainer in ten times fast, I can't even find
Speaker 1: my retainers. Shut up? Was punk Awa puns away from
Speaker 1: punks away? Give these people the moment, your moment of
Speaker 1: truth so we could send them on their merry way.
Speaker 1: This is my moment of truth. It's very simple, right,
Speaker 1: It's the same thing that we've been preaching for years.
Speaker 1: Communication is extremely important. Moving in together were truly determined
Speaker 1: whether or not you guys can live in harmony for
Speaker 1: the rest of your lives if you want to get married,
Speaker 1: I for one, will not recommend people getting married randomly
Speaker 1: without moving in together, because you truly don't know anyone
Speaker 1: unless you live with them. That's a different that's a
Speaker 1: different beast altogether, But understand that there's a process to
Speaker 1: get through it, and if you continue to communicate, you
Speaker 1: can make it through the rainy days. And on the
Speaker 1: other side of the rain is what bow. Oh thank
Speaker 1: you baby, well mama on the truth stems off of
Speaker 1: my sound by earlier which says that I am an
Speaker 1: advocate for shacking up. I agree you guys should get together.
Speaker 1: See what it's like to be with somebody for an
Speaker 1: extended period of time, what their living situation is like,
Speaker 1: what their livelihoods are like inside the realms of their house.
Speaker 1: But also to making sure like we've had in one
Speaker 1: of these um the breakdown here is that that's not
Speaker 1: your sole purpose moving in is to save money. You
Speaker 1: have to really like and enjoy this person's company and
Speaker 1: being in their space. That should be the reason why,
Speaker 1: if anything, you guys are looking to be in a
Speaker 1: relationship one and then moving together, it should not just
Speaker 1: be under the constraints of making it formal where it's
Speaker 1: just for saving purposes or for other motives or other reasons.
Speaker 1: Genuinely wanting to be around and loving to be in
Speaker 1: the space with somebody is a really good starting point
Speaker 1: for then and deciding if moving in is right or not. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: And now I'm gonna move in to letting y'all go
Speaker 1: all right so we can move on with the day. Um,
Speaker 1: go ahead and follow us on social media at dead
Speaker 1: as the podcasts on social media, and then I am candeen,
Speaker 1: I am and I am devout. And if you're listening
Speaker 1: on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe as.
Speaker 1: And if your wife changes your toilet paper, you can
Speaker 1: go to any local or CVS and get the little
Speaker 1: appointment package for free. Just tell them that you guys
Speaker 1: some issues and you don't gotta pay for it. Heard
Speaker 1: that here first. No, no partnership with Charman. Somebody hooked
Speaker 1: that up. I get us up. Dead Ass is a
Speaker 1: production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced
Speaker 1: by the Norapinia and Triple. Follow the podcast on social
Speaker 1: media at dead as to podcasts and never miss a thing.
Speaker 1: I see les I