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Speaker 1: You don't really know somebody until you live with them.

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Speaker 1: No truer statement. Dead as dead ass. I am an

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Speaker 1: advocate for shacking up. Mama, don't kill me, but that's

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Speaker 1: what we did and it worked. Dead asks. Hey, I'm

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Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us

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Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each

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Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make

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Speaker 1: you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important

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Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this

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Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,

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Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the

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Speaker 1: lens of a millennium married couple. Dead adds is the

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Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say

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Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to think, Phil

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Speaker 1: talk to a whole new level. Dead as starts right now.

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Speaker 1: Story time. This is when take us bank to two

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Speaker 1: thousand and two thousand and sixteen, two sixteen, right before

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Speaker 1: Cairo was born. We had moved back to our apartment

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Speaker 1: in New York. Money was tight, wasn't low. Money was tight.

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Speaker 1: We had a plan on moving out, so we were

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Speaker 1: trying to save money. Blah blah blah. Kadina and I

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Speaker 1: had gotten too a huge argument because I had looked

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Speaker 1: at the American Express bill and she had spent I

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Speaker 1: think it was something like six hundred dollars in Starbucks

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Speaker 1: one month. It was. It was crazy. The reason why

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Speaker 1: I remember six hundred dollars was because you had went

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Speaker 1: to Starbucks practically like every day, and it was thirty

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Speaker 1: days in a month, and it was my Starbucks. So

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Speaker 1: I was, yil, this is six dollars on Starmucks. So

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Speaker 1: I went through every single itemized thing of that codein

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Speaker 1: has spent, right, And her argument was that a lot

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Speaker 1: of the stuff that she bought was for the house.

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Speaker 1: And I was just like, well, that's because you like

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Speaker 1: to live a certain way. I don't need that. I

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Speaker 1: could rough it. I'm good. So Condeine said, oh, Willie,

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Speaker 1: So I go to the bathroom. After about a couple

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Speaker 1: of days, going to the bathroom, I noticed that the

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Speaker 1: toilet paper has changed. There's no more charming. It's straight,

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Speaker 1: single ply toilet paper, right, and this ship hard like

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Speaker 1: blue sleeve paper. So now my asshole is sore because

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Speaker 1: I'm using the single plot sand paper toilet paper, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, you will take a ship about three five

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Speaker 1: times a day. I have very hom taber puppy three

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Speaker 1: or four times a day. So my my ship is

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Speaker 1: on fire. So now I got my little extra money.

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Speaker 1: I'm by a and deointment, right, and I'm just trying

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Speaker 1: to make sure my my booty good. Right. So one day,

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Speaker 1: one day, I go into ka closet because she had

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Speaker 1: her own closet. Me being a husband, I am make

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Speaker 1: sure she got home closet with her shoes and stuff.

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Speaker 1: She had a walk in closet, right. I walk in

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Speaker 1: there to get something. What do I find in the

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Speaker 1: corner Sharman toilet paper? So Shorty, Shorty was not only

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Speaker 1: having me going here with the royal ass, right, I'm

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Speaker 1: walking around with the royal ass she hiding Sharman toilet

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Speaker 1: paper in her closet. So I'm like, oh, this is

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Speaker 1: what we're doing this, So what we're doing now? All right?

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Speaker 1: So I go to the bathroom one day, I take

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Speaker 1: an extra long shower, right, petty extra loan shower. I'm

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Speaker 1: in the shower and conians like if I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: get in there, right, so I get out the shower.

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Speaker 1: I'm feeling good. I feel great, right, get out the shower.

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Speaker 1: While I'm laying there on the bed, I'm counting it

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Speaker 1: down three one, I'm like, what happened? She said, you

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Speaker 1: use on my hair products? I said, correction, I didn't

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Speaker 1: use it. I just flushed it down and toilet. Now

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Speaker 1: he's wasting money, y'all, wasting money on my good, good

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Speaker 1: hair products, my good up stuff, you know. And that

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Speaker 1: started the petty wars. I want to love you, Oh,

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Speaker 1: I want to love you every day and every night

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Speaker 1: we'll be twigether yeah, with a rue friend over our heads.

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Speaker 1: We'll share the shelter of my single bit until did

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Speaker 1: that wants to complain to me about you're wrong for that? Bro?

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Speaker 1: How you gonna have a man walking around here with

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Speaker 1: his raw you know what? Walking around So we can

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Speaker 1: dissect that story time, all right, like a cowboy cheeks

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Speaker 1: was on fire. Let's go face some bills and we'll

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Speaker 1: come back to this dis sex story time and explain

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Speaker 1: what was going on all y'all. All right, and we're back, y'all.

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Speaker 1: So about this toilet paper situation and to hear supplies, Okay,

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Speaker 1: check our real petty, real quick, okay. But the best

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Speaker 1: part about it was, well, two things, My mom, glad

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Speaker 1: you're coming to the apartment. Do you remember when my

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Speaker 1: mom came to the apartment. How could I forget? And

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Speaker 1: she used the bathroom right, and oh mom, this was

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Speaker 1: shortly after Devil was having his episode with the cardboard

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Speaker 1: ass toilet paper. Right. My mother came by one day

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Speaker 1: and she was helping, you know, with the kids and

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Speaker 1: stuff like that and whatnot. And I remember her being

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Speaker 1: in the bathroom and screaming out Goddean as only Mimi

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Speaker 1: can call on name that weight. And I was like,

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Speaker 1: what's the matter? What happened? What kind of toilet paper

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Speaker 1: is this you bought? I'm here trying to wipe myself

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Speaker 1: on my hand, just bust through the paper like that,

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Speaker 1: exactly exactly. I was like, my exactly, well what kind

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Speaker 1: of force were you trying to wipe yourself? But I

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Speaker 1: feel was it necessary? And she was like, when you

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Speaker 1: find this toilet paper? Why what where's the charming? Where's

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Speaker 1: it this one here? What's going on with this toilet paper?

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Speaker 1: I'm like, well, what's going on with you? You got

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Speaker 1: stock in charming? Everybody is so concerned about charmante you.

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Speaker 1: But you'll be the main one wrapping the toilet paper

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Speaker 1: around your hand. You don't need that. You don't necessarily

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Speaker 1: need to be wrapping and wrapping and wrapping. You'll be

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Speaker 1: wrapping it. I don't be wrapping it out. I don't

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Speaker 1: be rapping. How many cubes don't average? You used to wipe?

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Speaker 1: How many cubes don't average? Cut on average? I was saying,

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Speaker 1: depending on the day, depending on what's happening. Okay, it

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Speaker 1: could be four to five depends. No, guys, she's lying.

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Speaker 1: I I know because I count my cubes. I use

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Speaker 1: no more than five cues of toilet paper to wipe.

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Speaker 1: So because I fold fold, if you're go into the

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Speaker 1: bathroom after me, I'll be folding the cubes and make

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Speaker 1: sure that it's I get the most maximum usage. I

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Speaker 1: go in there sometimes after you. It'd be a whole

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Speaker 1: half a roll in it. And all she did was peace.

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Speaker 1: That be your kids, That be a kid, No son.

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Speaker 1: First of all, you haven't had a vagina, So until

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Speaker 1: you know what it takes to white one, don't talk

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Speaker 1: to me about how many cubes I use. Touche touche.

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Speaker 1: But I do know. I do know it can't take

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Speaker 1: you more than three cubes to pack that cat. You

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Speaker 1: gotta pack the cat with three cubes. You can't use

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Speaker 1: more than three cubes. Being't wasteful. That's a whole pack

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Speaker 1: cat three Pat cat, three cubes. Pat the cat with

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Speaker 1: three cubes. Pat the cat with three ques. That's all

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Speaker 1: you need. That's all. It's gonna be a new rule

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Speaker 1: in the house put up there. Well, I'm the only

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Speaker 1: girl in the house now, so nobody's gonna be clocking

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Speaker 1: my toilet paper usage at all. What you need to

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Speaker 1: check is your little boys. We'll be doing a whole

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Speaker 1: lot of rolling out now. But that was the best

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Speaker 1: when my mom was literally like, what kind of doing

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Speaker 1: the way when I wipe myself the way my hand

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Speaker 1: bust through the paper like that, And I was like, okay,

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Speaker 1: first of all, t M, I go washing hands before

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Speaker 1: you didn't even leave the beast, go wash your hands. This.

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Speaker 1: Then her and did the upper seeds to have a

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Speaker 1: conversation about me and this bumass toilet paper that I

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Speaker 1: got exactly, And then he asked mom to bring him

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Speaker 1: home some sample packs of the andy at home so

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Speaker 1: that you didn't have to buy Andy. It is barred

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Speaker 1: from the baby. I mean, hey, I worked out your

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Speaker 1: mother saved your mother saved our marriage. We're lathering up yere,

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Speaker 1: you're coming here. If she didn't come in here and

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Speaker 1: complain about that toilet paper, I would have left. Well.

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Speaker 1: I had to say to her with my I got

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Speaker 1: the stash in my my, my closet. Just you know,

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Speaker 1: let's get to me the show, because this weapening in

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Speaker 1: people's isms. Al Right, y'all dealing with people's isnes. What

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Speaker 1: are the signs that you're ready to move in or not?

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Speaker 1: Were not? Well? The first sign that you are ready

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Speaker 1: to move in, it's good communication. Right. We talk about

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Speaker 1: communication all the time on this show, but I'm explaining

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Speaker 1: to you why communication is important when you move in, right,

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Speaker 1: when you're dating someone and you'll have a spat, right,

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Speaker 1: or y'all have an issue. People tend to say, you

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Speaker 1: know what I'm going I don't have to take yes,

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Speaker 1: I'm going home, so you can do that. Come on, man,

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Speaker 1: it's my boy, cracles family, name anything thing they didn't.

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Speaker 1: It's a rare condition this day in age to read

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Speaker 1: any good news on the newspaper, but page that's what

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Speaker 1: the toilet paper felt like newspaper. It felt like newspaper,

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Speaker 1: was it at least the sports section? No, I'm still pissed.

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Speaker 1: But anyway, when you when you are in a relationship

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Speaker 1: with someone and your only refuge is leaving them, When

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Speaker 1: when I have an argument, when you move in, there's

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Speaker 1: no leaving right. So now I got a problem with you,

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Speaker 1: you got a problem with me, and I gotta stare

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Speaker 1: at you in the face. But we gotta sleep in

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Speaker 1: the same room. That it kind of prepares you to

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Speaker 1: learn how to communicate even before you get married. And

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Speaker 1: here's the truth. Cadan says, she's she was all for

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Speaker 1: shocking up. She wasn't. She wasn't all for shocking up

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Speaker 1: two thousand and seven when I was living. Now she's

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Speaker 1: gonna say, no, let's go back to I'm talking about

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Speaker 1: shacking up for the purposes of knowing what it's like

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Speaker 1: to live with somebody. Let's go back to the pressure.

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Speaker 1: Remember the pressure, Remember the conversation, Remember the conversation that

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Speaker 1: we had. You were just like, I don't want to

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Speaker 1: be shocking up and be nobody's living girlfriend. That's a

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Speaker 1: genuine issue for people. Oh yeah, talking about just shocking

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Speaker 1: up in general. You mean, okay, right, so you weren't

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Speaker 1: all for just shocking up, like we were trying to

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Speaker 1: be purposeful about learning how to live with each other.

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Speaker 1: Well also too, I think shocking up made sense for

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Speaker 1: us two because we felt like, okay, here, we are

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Speaker 1: a couple in our young twenties, right, we are trying

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Speaker 1: to decide what it's going to look like for us

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Speaker 1: to exist together, what our future is gonna look like, because,

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Speaker 1: like we've said on previous shows, we've always talked very

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Speaker 1: openly about our goals, our dreams, our hopes, things that

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Speaker 1: we wanted to accomplish. So in my mind, I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 1: what sense does it make that I graduate from college, well,

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Speaker 1: now grad school, right, because I don't have to pay

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Speaker 1: for housing in grad school. I'm now twenty three graduating

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Speaker 1: from grad school. You are, now, you know, working in

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Speaker 1: the NFL, are doing what you're doing? Does it really

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Speaker 1: make sense just for the sake of saying it, or

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Speaker 1: just so that our parents could feel better? In our

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Speaker 1: grandparents and all of our ancestors, they're gonna feel better

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Speaker 1: because Okay, Cadine is paying rent over here to homeboy

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Speaker 1: that we don't even know. Deval is paying rent to

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Speaker 1: another homeboy over here that we don't even know. There's

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Speaker 1: are two different rents that are going out of two

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Speaker 1: people's accounts where they can just collectively work together if

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Speaker 1: they're living together to pay one rent to then have

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Speaker 1: the plan to say that other money to eventually purchase

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Speaker 1: a home. To me, that just made sense in that moment, right.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't necessarily a matter of just propose on time.

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Speaker 1: That's because I'm just like, Okay, where's the next level

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Speaker 1: of our relationship going? And that's and that's the reason

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Speaker 1: why I said the whole thing about the pressure is

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Speaker 1: that's the argument for some people, especially women, are just like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not moving in because if I move in and

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Speaker 1: then I'm playing wife and I don't have a ring,

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Speaker 1: and then things are getting comfortable and getting comfortable. But

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Speaker 1: you just explained all the reasons why I feel like

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Speaker 1: it made sense for us to move into. Financially it

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Speaker 1: made sense, but us, it made sense for us to

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Speaker 1: learn how to communicate when it's like, here signs you're

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Speaker 1: ready to move in. You have good communication, You talk

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Speaker 1: about finances regularly, which we do. You served you survived

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Speaker 1: a big argument, which we did. You talk through your

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Speaker 1: relationship problems, which we did. You talk and agree about

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Speaker 1: goals and expectations in your relationships, we did. Um, you

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Speaker 1: can talk honestly about moving in together, which we did,

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Speaker 1: and you can talk about your deepest fears from moving

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Speaker 1: in together. The reason why those last three are very

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Speaker 1: important is because those aren't talking about the rainbows and

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Speaker 1: sunshine and moving into together. Because there's there's more rainy

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Speaker 1: days when you live together than there is rainbows and

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Speaker 1: sunshine when you're learning. And and I'm going to preface

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Speaker 1: that by saying, they are more rainy days than rainbows

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Speaker 1: and sunshine when you're learning. Once you've learned and you

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Speaker 1: understand each other, the rainbow and sunshine days far out

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Speaker 1: number the rainy days. You want to know something that's

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Speaker 1: rainy often in the house now that we live together,

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Speaker 1: even twenty years later, learning people's is ms and learning

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Speaker 1: people's things, and like they're little ways, you know what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I'm saying this at risk of sounding

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Speaker 1: crazy because I know I had my ways. Okay, I

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Speaker 1: just want to put one of the vows ways out

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Speaker 1: there right. Okay, So my husband, love them to death,

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Speaker 1: you know, has this thing where he likes to just

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Speaker 1: like step out of his clothes and just leave it

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Speaker 1: at the edge of the bed. I have a system.

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Speaker 1: He just leaves it at the edge of the bed,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, bro, I'll clean everything in the room around,

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Speaker 1: make the bed. That's that and third, but then there's

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Speaker 1: just like this pile of clothes there. So if you're

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Speaker 1: a person that just like gets irked by people's is

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Speaker 1: ms or little things and you have pet peeves, those

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Speaker 1: are things that you want to realize early on that

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Speaker 1: you're cann decide, Okay, I am just going to deal

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Speaker 1: with this because that's just what he does. And he's

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Speaker 1: just cute when he leaves the ship at the side

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Speaker 1: of the bed on the floor. And I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: push your going in now, I don't try to be

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Speaker 1: my friend now. Don't try now, because you put my

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Speaker 1: business down the street. Now you trying to be my

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Speaker 1: friends talking about here. It's all right because I I

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Speaker 1: got equal business. I'm sure, and I said that I know.

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Speaker 1: But it's just one of those things. People are going

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Speaker 1: to have things that are gonna irk your nerves and

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Speaker 1: you cannot walk away from that when you were living

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Speaker 1: together with somebody, So think about that before moving in?

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Speaker 1: What is your tolerance for pet peeves and is ms?

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Speaker 1: Because if your threshold is not high for it, you

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Speaker 1: might just be in a conundrum. That is really good

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Speaker 1: because the next one the list was said, it said

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Speaker 1: you accept the other person, you accept their mess, you

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Speaker 1: make literally and decision. You make the decision. It says

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Speaker 1: you can't go in believing you'll change your partner to

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Speaker 1: think and live as you do. Right be, could you

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Speaker 1: naturally want the person to be comfortable in their space,

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Speaker 1: So you don't want to come into a situation where

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Speaker 1: you're moving in and now you're micromanaging how that person

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Speaker 1: should be living. For all that, stay your ass over

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Speaker 1: in your own place. Right, Oh, you didn't tell this

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Speaker 1: to your system? What's your system? Or my system of

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Speaker 1: stepping out of my clothes? So when I stepped out

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Speaker 1: of my clothes right there in the bed right like

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Speaker 1: that my little shorts area. That's because MEMI often comes

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Speaker 1: into the room to get the baby. Right, what if

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Speaker 1: I'm naked and I gotta grab some shorts, I can

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Speaker 1: step right into my shorts about the shorts beyond, as

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Speaker 1: opposed to walking all the way to the closet pass Uh,

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Speaker 1: meet me with my dangle laying out. I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: be respectful, so I keep the shorts right there by

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Speaker 1: the bed. I feel like that's a good, pretty good system,

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Speaker 1: especially before me me though, you've been doing this since

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Speaker 1: like college, because in college I had to jump in

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Speaker 1: my shorts to be a five thirty a m workout,

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Speaker 1: So I used to have my girdle and my shorts

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Speaker 1: right there by the bed. As soon as that alarm ring,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to waste no time. I used to

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Speaker 1: step right in some the joints and I'm join us up,

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Speaker 1: brush my teeth, go to workouts. I have a system. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I guess judge my system. I don't judge you for

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Speaker 1: sweeping dirt into the corner of the room and collecting

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Speaker 1: it there for weeks at a time. I don't judge

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Speaker 1: you for that. I don't judge you for keeping the

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Speaker 1: messiest bathroom in the story of bathroom. My bathroom is

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Speaker 1: not messy. My side is that messy. It just has

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Speaker 1: a lot of things. I use a lot of products. Okay,

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00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:31,240
Speaker 1: so there's not mess there's just products. Okay, hey, fine,

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Speaker 1: And that dirt sweeping, that dirt thing is like it's

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Speaker 1: old news. I don't do that anymore. I used to, though,

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Speaker 1: I was a chronic sweep everything to a corner because

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Speaker 1: I couldn't find the dust span in the moment. So

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Speaker 1: it's like whatever, I got a whole bunch of them,

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Speaker 1: all right. We gave one some wigs randomly places, looking

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Speaker 1: like whole heads, scaring the ship out of me. It'd

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Speaker 1: be dark in this house. I'm already scared because this

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Speaker 1: house is being and dark. I'm walking by someone. I'm

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Speaker 1: think it's an intrude to no k gotta league on

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Speaker 1: the back of the coffee table, big just how about

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Speaker 1: made me drying wig? And the wine day? My mother's

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00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,000
Speaker 1: wig hanging off of this bottle of wine scared the

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Speaker 1: piss out of me. I turned the corner to go

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Speaker 1: to the pantry because number one, I was hot. You know,

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Speaker 1: when you high, you'd be hungry and paranoid. Now I'm

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Speaker 1: hungry in paranoid. I go to the pantry to go

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Speaker 1: get me something to eat, and there's a curly wig

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Speaker 1: just sitting there on the wine rack, almost ship on myself.

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Speaker 1: Good thing we got to apply toilet paper now, because

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00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:34,119
Speaker 1: that's in abundance of ointment. Yes, compliments of Dakoda. But

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Speaker 1: that's also when you learn to live with people, you

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Speaker 1: understand what their isms are. So when you see a

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Speaker 1: random wig for dirty bathroom, you don't get all excited

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00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,920
Speaker 1: and get you don't absolutely not even the kids. No

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00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:49,480
Speaker 1: cats is like that mimi's hair. It is what it is, alright.

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Speaker 1: And another sign or more signs Rather you live rich

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Speaker 1: and independent lives. That's that's cute, rich and independent lives.

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Speaker 1: So once you move in, you will spend more time

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Speaker 1: with your partner. Resentment can grow if you don't have

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Speaker 1: your own life outside of your relationship and read one

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Speaker 1: one one more time man. Resentment can grow if you

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Speaker 1: don't have your own life outside of your relationship creating

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Speaker 1: routines together that will help you build a home in

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Speaker 1: a bond. But keeping your independence will keep you or

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Speaker 1: will help you rather in the long run, and taking

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Speaker 1: alone time when you need it. One of the biggest

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Speaker 1: um complaints I get from people when they move in

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Speaker 1: with their partner, significant other, wife, husband, whatever, is that

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Speaker 1: one person is always a little bit more clingy than

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Speaker 1: the other and once they first move in, it's now

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Speaker 1: I'm going to spend all my time with you because

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Speaker 1: we're living together, but then that person becomes your entertainment.

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Speaker 1: So when that person doesn't make you feel good or

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Speaker 1: that person doesn't make you feel comfortable in this space,

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Speaker 1: you tend to blame that person for why you're feeling

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Speaker 1: down because you don't have your own independent life, and

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Speaker 1: then it's like no one else in your face. Because

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Speaker 1: a lot of times sometimes I may just be, you know, white,

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Speaker 1: might have woke up on the wrong side of the bed,

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Speaker 1: or just been, you know, kind of having a lot

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Speaker 1: on my mind and I kind of just want to

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Speaker 1: be alone, or you know, in devout me like why

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Speaker 1: are you sitting in this room by yourself? Or you know,

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Speaker 1: why you why are you this? Or he may feel

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Speaker 1: like I'm taking something out on hit on him, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, bro, I'm not trying to take it out

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Speaker 1: on you. You just happen to be the other person

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Speaker 1: that's in this space with me right now. I can't

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Speaker 1: go anywhere to be alone in this moment. I can't

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Speaker 1: be alone in a funk somewhere, and it's not necessarily

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Speaker 1: a responsibility to bring me out of the funk, because

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Speaker 1: I feel like, sometimes that's what you felt, you felt like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: if she's not in a good mood and she's in

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Speaker 1: the house with me, and then I have to find

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Speaker 1: a way to get her out of it. Sometimes you

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Speaker 1: just want to be alone, and that becomes difficult when

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Speaker 1: you have nowhere to go because you live together. And

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Speaker 1: I'll be honest with you, that's that's one of the

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Speaker 1: biggest things too to learn, is that the person you

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Speaker 1: live with may not always want to be around you.

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Speaker 1: That hurts. I'm saying. If you're a social person and

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Speaker 1: you're used to being around people and this is the

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00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,440
Speaker 1: person you're madly in love with, you feel like when

383
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:57,160
Speaker 1: y'all moving together, we're gonna watch movies together, we're gonna

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00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:58,840
Speaker 1: make out all the time, we're gonna be on each other.

385
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,000
Speaker 1: Then you're going there one day and that person look

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00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,920
Speaker 1: at you like then it's like, what did I do?

387
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,560
Speaker 1: But it's really nothing that you did. This person just

388
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,160
Speaker 1: wants their space. And a lot of times you don't

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00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,280
Speaker 1: realize that you may do that to the other person.

390
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,080
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, because I used to say

391
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,920
Speaker 1: to you all the time, like you know, like I'm

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00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:17,639
Speaker 1: always running after you, always trying to find you. But

393
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,359
Speaker 1: then I don't realize when I go down in the

394
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,080
Speaker 1: man cave to be by myself. It's literally the same

395
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Speaker 1: same exactly. Now I have to go find you and

396
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,800
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, why did you leave me in the

397
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,760
Speaker 1: room and go on? You do that a lot. I

398
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,800
Speaker 1: do do that a lot. But that's also something I

399
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:34,080
Speaker 1: had to realize, right, I was telling you to not

400
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,840
Speaker 1: do things that hurt my feelings while realizing I was

401
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:40,240
Speaker 1: doing those things. That's accountability, right. You would go in

402
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,159
Speaker 1: the room to get your own space, and I'm like,

403
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,760
Speaker 1: why you're always leaving me? But then I didn't realize

404
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:45,960
Speaker 1: that I used to leave and go in the man

405
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,600
Speaker 1: cave in the theater by myself to have my own time.

406
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,480
Speaker 1: Because when you're focusing on your own time, you're so

407
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,720
Speaker 1: focused on your own time, you don't realize how you're

408
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,960
Speaker 1: doing that is affecting other people, and it only matters

409
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:58,800
Speaker 1: to you when when they do it, it affects you.

410
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:01,080
Speaker 1: And we just have our favorite parts of the house.

411
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,200
Speaker 1: Like I just enjoy our bedroom. He enjoys the theater.

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00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,240
Speaker 1: So it's like I want to be like I would

413
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,480
Speaker 1: invite you to my favorite place to how about you

414
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,840
Speaker 1: just coming handed out in the middle day and I'm

415
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,520
Speaker 1: just like no, I just we should just be able

416
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,639
Speaker 1: to spend time in our room together because that's just

417
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,480
Speaker 1: my favorite place, which is person And I think that

418
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,320
Speaker 1: having an independent lifestyle is very important for mental health

419
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:26,600
Speaker 1: because your sanity, your happiness cannot be predicated on someone

420
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:30,200
Speaker 1: else's existence, because then then they're always gonna fall short,

421
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:33,280
Speaker 1: they're always gonna feel inadequate, and you're always gonna feel

422
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,399
Speaker 1: like you're pulling teeth or reaching for something that's not there. Absolutely,

423
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,119
Speaker 1: So this one I don't know, because this is one

424
00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:40,240
Speaker 1: of the reasons why we did this. It says you're

425
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,520
Speaker 1: not doing it for convenience, So don't move in with

426
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,880
Speaker 1: the spouse to save money. Convenience may make other parts

427
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,400
Speaker 1: of your life better, but it won't improve your relationship.

428
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,040
Speaker 1: If your only reason to move in with each other

429
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:55,000
Speaker 1: is to save money, then that's a horrible reason to

430
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,280
Speaker 1: move in together. And then that that then you're looking

431
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,560
Speaker 1: for a roommate like you're not really looking for a

432
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:03,480
Speaker 1: spout for a relationship situation, You're just looking to save money.

433
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,959
Speaker 1: So if two people are you know, can amically live

434
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,720
Speaker 1: together and say all right, well I just need to

435
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,119
Speaker 1: save money, you need to save money and then we

436
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,439
Speaker 1: can just come and go and do our own thing.

437
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,760
Speaker 1: Then fine, but not being the sole purpose. It can't

438
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,320
Speaker 1: be the sole person, because that makes sense. The sole

439
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,720
Speaker 1: purpose has to be because I love serving this person

440
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:20,439
Speaker 1: so much that I would want to be around them

441
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,960
Speaker 1: more often. That has to be the sole purpose. Everything

442
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,440
Speaker 1: else is a byproduct. Of course, you save money and

443
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,520
Speaker 1: it's more convenient when you live together, but it has

444
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:30,719
Speaker 1: to be something you want to do, not feeling like, oh,

445
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,480
Speaker 1: it's something I have to do now because this will

446
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,480
Speaker 1: help me in a different aspect of my life, right,

447
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,359
Speaker 1: because the focus will just be saving money, and then

448
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:39,320
Speaker 1: what else. You know, you're on the same page about

449
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,399
Speaker 1: your relationship, so that spirals into that, don't ignore your

450
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:45,760
Speaker 1: relationship problems. Issues will grow once you move in together

451
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:50,760
Speaker 1: if they have not been addressed. Absolutely absolutely that is

452
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,359
Speaker 1: I don't even no explanation, that's just. But then and

453
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,760
Speaker 1: I went through this. There was a point where we

454
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,600
Speaker 1: were talking about getting separated and talking about possibly getting

455
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:03,160
Speaker 1: a divorce, and then we were thinking about how inconvenient

456
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,520
Speaker 1: it would be for us to not be living under

457
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:09,000
Speaker 1: the same roof, and then we started thinking about how

458
00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:11,760
Speaker 1: much we would hate not being around each other. Because

459
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,919
Speaker 1: here's the truth. As mad as I am Atcadeean, at times,

460
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:20,000
Speaker 1: I feel exponentially better when I know she's safe in

461
00:23:20,119 --> 00:23:24,280
Speaker 1: the house. So with me, yes with me. So so

462
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:26,560
Speaker 1: for me, it's like I can be mad, I'm fine

463
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:28,639
Speaker 1: on mad. And this is before we even had the

464
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,560
Speaker 1: big house, when we lived in the apartment. Even if

465
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:33,760
Speaker 1: I'm mad and she's in the kitchen and I'm in

466
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,440
Speaker 1: the living room, or she's in the living room and

467
00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:37,639
Speaker 1: I'm in the dining room, I'm fine with that as

468
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:39,399
Speaker 1: long as I can see her and I know she's okay.

469
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,200
Speaker 1: Because the things that used to hurt me was when

470
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,359
Speaker 1: she used to get mad and she'd be out somewhere

471
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,480
Speaker 1: or driving. My biggest fear is that something happens to

472
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,800
Speaker 1: her while she's in a rage or she's upset. So

473
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,000
Speaker 1: um for me, just living together just was it was

474
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:54,639
Speaker 1: always important for me to know that you were always safe.

475
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:56,639
Speaker 1: You know, you're definitely on the same page with that,

476
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,080
Speaker 1: because my soul would not rest and that's not new.

477
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:00,480
Speaker 1: Like a couple of times, you know, back in the

478
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,240
Speaker 1: day of that, we get man, he's like, I'm on

479
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,280
Speaker 1: my brother's house or go to my father, and I

480
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,240
Speaker 1: would think the same thing too, Like, God forbid something

481
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,160
Speaker 1: happens on the way you just left me in this rage,

482
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:12,000
Speaker 1: and then God forbid something happens. Then what um? And

483
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,240
Speaker 1: even though we'd be pissed at each other and you

484
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:15,919
Speaker 1: may have to be in the living room or I'll

485
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:17,680
Speaker 1: be in the living room in another room, just the

486
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,159
Speaker 1: fact that we knew it, okay, at least he's breathing

487
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,240
Speaker 1: around the corner right even I hate that motherfucking breath

488
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:26,080
Speaker 1: right now. I hate that breath. But at least he's

489
00:24:26,119 --> 00:24:29,360
Speaker 1: breathing in my vicinity. So be good. Ain't nothing better

490
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:32,920
Speaker 1: when your partner is trying to apologize or break the ice.

491
00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:35,760
Speaker 1: So y'all haven't talked for a couple of hours and

492
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:39,800
Speaker 1: everything is like super thick in the apartment, beyond saying nothing.

493
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,680
Speaker 1: And then she walks in with your favorite red shorts on,

494
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:46,040
Speaker 1: her crop top shirt on with no bra, and she

495
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:50,399
Speaker 1: rolls her eyes. She goes, are you hungry? And it's like, oh,

496
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,480
Speaker 1: that's your apology, And she's like, ilogi, I wonder if

497
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:53,879
Speaker 1: you're hungry, cause I'm about to eat. I don't want

498
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,639
Speaker 1: to hear nothing. Then she turned around real slow and

499
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,399
Speaker 1: stared back at you and it's like, I'm gonna make

500
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,000
Speaker 1: your favorite sandwich. Then you like I know, she was,

501
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:03,159
Speaker 1: she ready for this to be over, Like those be

502
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:07,399
Speaker 1: the best part at that part, it's like I get it.

503
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:09,600
Speaker 1: I get when I see the red co ed shorts.

504
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,680
Speaker 1: I know you'll probably have seen them on Instagram or

505
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:16,080
Speaker 1: YouTube because k knows if those are my favorite shorts,

506
00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:19,000
Speaker 1: and she knows I've had those shorts since I was

507
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,919
Speaker 1: oh my god six, when I first fact that they

508
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:25,119
Speaker 1: can still fit me. They do not hit you the

509
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 1: same way, They do not fit you the same way,

510
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:30,159
Speaker 1: but they fit though they do. So that's that back

511
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,040
Speaker 1: in the day fabric that you can wash for years

512
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:34,560
Speaker 1: and years and years and it should still be intact.

513
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:38,680
Speaker 1: No holes, no friends. That's true though, the elasticity in

514
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:43,359
Speaker 1: the waist, those those shorts over twenty years old, and

515
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,520
Speaker 1: it's the co wed still on them in the back right,

516
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,800
Speaker 1: and get washed out and get washed out. Um well,

517
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,040
Speaker 1: when I first met you, those shorts were appropriate for

518
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:53,080
Speaker 1: you to wear because you used to wear the camp

519
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,440
Speaker 1: and they would come down to Alicia mid now things

520
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:00,480
Speaker 1: almost like they ain't about to right at murder. That's

521
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:04,600
Speaker 1: what it is. Yes, the whole last. That's some of

522
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:08,520
Speaker 1: the favorite things about living with somebody. Yeah, you get

523
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:11,200
Speaker 1: to see them in all of their glory all the time.

524
00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:15,760
Speaker 1: But let's get back to um. Yeah, you stayed together before,

525
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:19,280
Speaker 1: so taking a trip or extended stay together right for

526
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,159
Speaker 1: periods of time will help you to see these hidden

527
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:25,640
Speaker 1: facts about how your spouse lives. Yeah, because there's nothing

528
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:31,000
Speaker 1: like meeting this beautiful pageant girl and you're just so

529
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:33,600
Speaker 1: enamored by how long her hair is and how pretty

530
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:35,679
Speaker 1: she is and how perfect her smile is and her

531
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,240
Speaker 1: body is amazing. And then y'all staying together for the

532
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,200
Speaker 1: first time, and then she rolls over and you find

533
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:45,080
Speaker 1: out that she wears a retainer, so you reach over

534
00:26:45,119 --> 00:26:46,640
Speaker 1: to give her a kiss, and you're like, hey baby,

535
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,719
Speaker 1: and she's just like whom And You're like, why are

536
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:55,239
Speaker 1: you talking like that? And now she drooling in her

537
00:26:55,280 --> 00:27:00,160
Speaker 1: sleep and she snores retainer and you've all in never

538
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,359
Speaker 1: about this woman just to find out that just realis

539
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,760
Speaker 1: a guy. Y'all. That was as real as it got.

540
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:09,720
Speaker 1: When I tell you, I never forget the talk you

541
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:11,560
Speaker 1: had on this is the first night you stayed with me.

542
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:15,960
Speaker 1: You had on that lavender boy, short broad combination. I

543
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:19,440
Speaker 1: was like, like, my baby, right did And then he

544
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,239
Speaker 1: was laying in the bed, turned over and I had

545
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:23,640
Speaker 1: my arm around you, threw my leg on. You was spooning,

546
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,360
Speaker 1: and I was like you baby, and you're like yes,

547
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:29,200
Speaker 1: and I was like, I was like, that's a pretty on,

548
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:33,000
Speaker 1: spot on, like Daffy Duck impersonation that you're doing. And

549
00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:36,200
Speaker 1: he was like, what what do you mean? I was like,

550
00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:38,320
Speaker 1: why did you sound like that right now? And you

551
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:44,240
Speaker 1: literally said suffering for my retainer and I was like wow, wow,

552
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,000
Speaker 1: I was I'm gonna ask you for some head, but

553
00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:50,680
Speaker 1: I don't want to know more. I'm not capping. I'm

554
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:52,399
Speaker 1: not capping. I didn't want to get no head. At

555
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:53,920
Speaker 1: that point, I couldn't even know if he was breathing

556
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:57,280
Speaker 1: because you was breathing like everything was off from like

557
00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,639
Speaker 1: your You should have went to the n T doctor

558
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:02,119
Speaker 1: because your ear nose and throat was all clogged. The

559
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,080
Speaker 1: retainer just had it all sorts of fun up. But

560
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:06,399
Speaker 1: I still tries. I had to pay for straight teeth

561
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:09,520
Speaker 1: and I will not apologize. Don't apologize, retainer, and you

562
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:12,280
Speaker 1: would have seen me pre braces. They need to be

563
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:14,440
Speaker 1: making fun of me for a whole another thing. You'll

564
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:18,040
Speaker 1: be calling me bugs bunny. You went from bugs to day. Yes,

565
00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:19,920
Speaker 1: you went from bugs to daffie, and I appreciate it.

566
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:26,240
Speaker 1: Death is way better anyway, you better? Okay? Is it

567
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:30,239
Speaker 1: sad for a break? It? Because right now we can

568
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:31,800
Speaker 1: take a break and get back to some listen to

569
00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:48,440
Speaker 1: let we'll be back, y'all. Alright, we're back listen at

570
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:52,600
Speaker 1: the time. We've told y'all way too much about devots as.

571
00:28:53,800 --> 00:29:02,120
Speaker 1: You know that y'all have learned all the things. I'm

572
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:05,000
Speaker 1: sure more things than not that you care to learn

573
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:07,920
Speaker 1: about today. So let's learn about y'all. Okay, how about

574
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,080
Speaker 1: we gett into these listed as. Has never been the

575
00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:13,320
Speaker 1: same since that putty battle like like this is yo,

576
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:16,000
Speaker 1: Like I was so pissed. Come on, that's a very

577
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:20,400
Speaker 1: forgiving area. It should have healed by now. It definitely healed. Alright,

578
00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:24,200
Speaker 1: definitely healed. But it's not the same. It's not the same.

579
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,480
Speaker 1: I feel like it just gets irritated way too quickly.

580
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,040
Speaker 1: I was started getting the flushable wipes not right, because

581
00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:32,160
Speaker 1: you can't use regular wipes the flesh. That's what I'm saying. Now,

582
00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:38,719
Speaker 1: I gotta use fleshable age No, it comes to your

583
00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:41,760
Speaker 1: wife setting you up for for disaster. Think about in

584
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:44,280
Speaker 1: your lifespan, how much ass wiping you have to do,

585
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,800
Speaker 1: like in your entire lifespan. That's a lot of trauma

586
00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:51,160
Speaker 1: to that area. Charming, you don't have a problem when

587
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:55,440
Speaker 1: you use sandpaper and sticks and rocks because your wife's

588
00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:58,959
Speaker 1: trying to approve a point. That's what happens. And ever

589
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:00,840
Speaker 1: since you put out my hair product, my hair and

590
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,280
Speaker 1: never been the same. I'm over here having a Beijing

591
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:07,400
Speaker 1: my ship, all right, so we we both even, right. Anyhow,

592
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:09,320
Speaker 1: let's get into your Listen, no letters, because we can

593
00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:13,160
Speaker 1: go on for days about this. Now you go first

594
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:15,280
Speaker 1: for a change. How about that perfect, I'll read the

595
00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 1: second one. Hey, my name is Mohammed Zidan. I've been

596
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,120
Speaker 1: with my girlfriend for fifteen months, and lately we've been

597
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:24,800
Speaker 1: doing terrible. She told me I heard her, and she

598
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:26,960
Speaker 1: doesn't want She doesn't want to build me anymore because

599
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,840
Speaker 1: I don't communicate or update her, and she didn't feel

600
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:32,760
Speaker 1: loved anymore. I'm in school to be a registered nurse

601
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,240
Speaker 1: and I work with my dad at a convenience store,

602
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:37,960
Speaker 1: so I have no time to take her out. Oh,

603
00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:40,040
Speaker 1: take her out at all, and I've been really focused

604
00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:42,840
Speaker 1: on my dad's business in school because I know once

605
00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 1: I become a nurse, life will be better for us

606
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:48,480
Speaker 1: and I will be more free to take her out

607
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:56,600
Speaker 1: and treat her good. Bro, that's all one sentence. That's

608
00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:58,920
Speaker 1: a whole paragraph, Mohammed, I love you and I'm so

609
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,760
Speaker 1: thankful for you right in, But that was a paragraph

610
00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:04,600
Speaker 1: for no period in there, the whole paragraph no period.

611
00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:08,120
Speaker 1: That was amazing, that was a full thought. But in

612
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,320
Speaker 1: the process, I forgot that I needed a period. No.

613
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:13,320
Speaker 1: I forgot that I needed to communicate and and keep

614
00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:15,960
Speaker 1: her happy right now so we both could get to

615
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,800
Speaker 1: the future. She wants nothing to do with me, but

616
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:20,840
Speaker 1: I'm in love with her and I don't want to

617
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:23,440
Speaker 1: lose her. But she heard this so many times. She

618
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,840
Speaker 1: doesn't believe I really changed and wants to do better.

619
00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:28,600
Speaker 1: She always sends me videos of both of your Instagram

620
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:30,640
Speaker 1: because we really look up to y'all. So can you

621
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:33,040
Speaker 1: help me out please and tell me if there is

622
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:36,120
Speaker 1: a if this is regular for couples to go through,

623
00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:38,280
Speaker 1: and tell me if y'all been through something like this

624
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:41,160
Speaker 1: before and how y'all dealt with it. Please, It would

625
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:47,040
Speaker 1: mean the world to me. So O Mohammed with the

626
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:50,200
Speaker 1: home girl cute. I love that, and he's working to

627
00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:52,959
Speaker 1: be a registered nurse. That's that's dope. We need more

628
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:56,920
Speaker 1: male nurses out there, So Mohammed. From two thousand and

629
00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:01,600
Speaker 1: ten to two thousand and four, Team Kadina and I

630
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:04,840
Speaker 1: had just got married, and this was four years I

631
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,560
Speaker 1: had made a decision that I was going to focus

632
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:11,160
Speaker 1: solely on getting into TV, film and building my business.

633
00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:14,720
Speaker 1: With that being said, I had to make sacrifices. Kady

634
00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:17,480
Speaker 1: didn't getting no designer bags, we didn't go on any

635
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:21,080
Speaker 1: fancy dates, we didn't go on any vacations. The two

636
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:26,400
Speaker 1: of us committed to sacrificing that moment for the rest

637
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:28,720
Speaker 1: of our lives. So we did what we had to

638
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:30,760
Speaker 1: do in those moments to live the way we wanted

639
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:32,760
Speaker 1: to live for the rest of our lives. As long

640
00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:36,160
Speaker 1: as you communicate with your spouse or your significant other

641
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:40,440
Speaker 1: what your plan is, they'll feel comfortable in that moment

642
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:43,680
Speaker 1: with you because you're doing it together. If you neglected

643
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: to tell her that you didn't forget about her, but

644
00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:49,600
Speaker 1: you're working towards something in the future, she's gonna believe

645
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:55,840
Speaker 1: that you just forgot about her. That absolutely there was

646
00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:58,560
Speaker 1: not a data went by, especially for me coming from

647
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,720
Speaker 1: the NFL and con at least spoiling Codeine. Right, I

648
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:04,720
Speaker 1: didn't feel horrible or not about not being able to

649
00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:06,840
Speaker 1: do the same things for her at that point in

650
00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:09,600
Speaker 1: our marriage, especially because we had just got married. But

651
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:13,960
Speaker 1: you'll be shocked and how resilient the ones that love

652
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:16,120
Speaker 1: you are when it comes to the things they need

653
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:18,920
Speaker 1: and want if it's gonna be for the betterment of

654
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:24,400
Speaker 1: YouTube collectively, because Codeine definitely didn't. And Codeine loves bags,

655
00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:27,360
Speaker 1: she loves shoes, she loves to travel, she loves to

656
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:30,040
Speaker 1: be spoiled. But for those four years, I never got

657
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:33,680
Speaker 1: to complaint. This is the this is the facts. Codeine

658
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:35,840
Speaker 1: never said to me, you don't never to take me nowhere.

659
00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:38,000
Speaker 1: And when I tell you, we didn't go nowhere, we

660
00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:42,400
Speaker 1: didn't go nowhere Like date nights, we had creative, we

661
00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:48,120
Speaker 1: were in the house known. There was no Ruth Chris,

662
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,600
Speaker 1: there was no Del Friscos, there was no we didn't

663
00:33:53,840 --> 00:34:01,760
Speaker 1: we were Busters Blockbuster. We're just building and m There's

664
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,520
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with going through that part of your relationship together.

665
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:06,120
Speaker 1: If you both speak on yeah, I think on the

666
00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:10,480
Speaker 1: flip side, Mohammed, Um, coming from maybe her perspective just

667
00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:14,080
Speaker 1: not feeling necessarily included in the plan or feeling like

668
00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:17,279
Speaker 1: she's a part of the plan Um can also to

669
00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:19,879
Speaker 1: be a little bit a bit of a turn because

670
00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:22,040
Speaker 1: you're just kind of unsure about what what's happening here?

671
00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:25,480
Speaker 1: What's the purpose right? Um? What are we working towards?

672
00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:28,200
Speaker 1: And if she's really invested, and if she's really in

673
00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:30,399
Speaker 1: love with you and really loves you and can see

674
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:33,120
Speaker 1: a future with you, then she really honestly should have

675
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,160
Speaker 1: no problem being able to say, you know what, babe,

676
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:37,000
Speaker 1: this is going to be a sacrificial point for both

677
00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:39,440
Speaker 1: of us because we know if we just like put

678
00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:41,560
Speaker 1: our heads down and we just work and we work,

679
00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:43,239
Speaker 1: and we work right now, we can definitely see the

680
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:45,680
Speaker 1: benefits of it later. Now. I don't know much about her,

681
00:34:45,719 --> 00:34:47,480
Speaker 1: but if she's a homegirl that's looking to just you know,

682
00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:49,680
Speaker 1: say hey, I'm looking for all the things now now now,

683
00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:52,680
Speaker 1: because let's be for real, that's what social media has

684
00:34:52,719 --> 00:34:55,120
Speaker 1: people feeling, like, you know, being in these relationships that

685
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:58,440
Speaker 1: all this fancy ship is happening now, especially younger like

686
00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:01,120
Speaker 1: I'm looking at even well in their twenties, you know,

687
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:03,720
Speaker 1: mid twenties that are just out there doing lavish things,

688
00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:07,239
Speaker 1: you know, with whatever opportunities they have. If she's looking

689
00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:09,200
Speaker 1: for that and she's not willing to stick around for

690
00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:12,560
Speaker 1: that um long haul with you, then that also might

691
00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:15,080
Speaker 1: be worth the conversation as well. So I think it

692
00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:17,160
Speaker 1: all goes back to you just being really transparent with

693
00:35:17,239 --> 00:35:20,560
Speaker 1: her about your intentions. Um, and maybe a timeline. You know,

694
00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:23,319
Speaker 1: divin I used to talk about things in terms of years, like, Okay,

695
00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:25,360
Speaker 1: what's our goal for this year? You know, where we

696
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:27,239
Speaker 1: see ourselves in the next two years, where we see

697
00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:29,560
Speaker 1: ourselves in the next five years. You know that also too,

698
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:31,120
Speaker 1: can kind of give at least something that feels a

699
00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:34,200
Speaker 1: little bit more tangible than it's just empty promises what

700
00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:36,359
Speaker 1: it may seem like. But we also can't let him

701
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:38,759
Speaker 1: off the hook, right. If you have to describe wealth

702
00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:43,400
Speaker 1: in one word, that word is time. People find time

703
00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:46,719
Speaker 1: for the things that are important to them. If she's

704
00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:49,480
Speaker 1: important to to you, you gotta find time for her.

705
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:53,839
Speaker 1: Bro and time costs you nothing, you know, Take her

706
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:57,000
Speaker 1: and take her to a park, you know, um, make

707
00:35:57,080 --> 00:35:59,040
Speaker 1: us get you find out what her favorite movie is,

708
00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:01,759
Speaker 1: Make a a movie night. Hell you find on a

709
00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:06,520
Speaker 1: convenience store, get hug get some sandwiches, get some snacks,

710
00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:09,560
Speaker 1: put that in a basket. Get you a blanket or

711
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:13,000
Speaker 1: a sheet out your mama's closet or yours. Spread that

712
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:16,799
Speaker 1: sh it out and it's the whole picnic bow dollar tree.

713
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:19,279
Speaker 1: You get some candles, make it cute. Get you some

714
00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:21,719
Speaker 1: little candles or whatever. Make a cute, some little rose

715
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:25,400
Speaker 1: petals or whatever. Make you for the convenience store. Tell Danyo,

716
00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:29,600
Speaker 1: make the time. Make the time, bro more than anything else.

717
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:33,360
Speaker 1: Make the time there we go, time to spend in

718
00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:37,560
Speaker 1: time to communicate. Al right, Second question, Hey to Valcande. First,

719
00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:40,279
Speaker 1: I'd like to say that I absolutely love y'all. I've

720
00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:42,000
Speaker 1: been following your family since the Val was trying to

721
00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 1: get the boys dressed and out of the house when

722
00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:46,520
Speaker 1: Cairo was just a baby. Y'all are a dope as family.

723
00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:48,680
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. It's been a minute. Carol was

724
00:36:48,680 --> 00:36:51,440
Speaker 1: a whole last grown man. Now I'm a thirty three

725
00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:53,240
Speaker 1: year old woman has who has been with my husband

726
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:56,200
Speaker 1: for eight years, married for almost five. We're married for

727
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:59,400
Speaker 1: two years before our we had our first child. When

728
00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:01,400
Speaker 1: our daughter just four months old, I found out I

729
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:04,000
Speaker 1: was pregnant again with our son. We had babies back

730
00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:07,000
Speaker 1: to back, so they're just eleven point five months eleven

731
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:09,080
Speaker 1: and a half months apart. My daughter is two and

732
00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:12,240
Speaker 1: my son is sixteen months. Before the babies, our marriage

733
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:15,280
Speaker 1: was amazing. Sex was off the charts, date nights were often,

734
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:18,160
Speaker 1: and we were literally literally didn't have much to argue about.

735
00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:23,160
Speaker 1: We spent time together and put one another first. We're

736
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:27,279
Speaker 1: truly best friends. After having two not so good pregnancies,

737
00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:30,800
Speaker 1: hubby didn't adjust well to the pregnancy hormones two times

738
00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:35,719
Speaker 1: um our marriage started to decline. I feel like I'm

739
00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:37,920
Speaker 1: a married, single mom. I worked full time as an

740
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:42,360
Speaker 1: elementary school teacher, maintaining our home, soul, chef and everything

741
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:45,720
Speaker 1: to take care of our very active toddlers. He feels

742
00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:47,560
Speaker 1: like I put the kids first, and I've forgotten how

743
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,040
Speaker 1: to be a wife. I literally have no energy from

744
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:52,560
Speaker 1: my husband after working, cooking and being a mom. I've

745
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:55,160
Speaker 1: expressed that he if he would help more than I

746
00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 1: would have more energy for him. I've started to build

747
00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:00,920
Speaker 1: resentment towards my husban and because I feel like he

748
00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:03,279
Speaker 1: does the bare minimum to help with our kids and

749
00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:05,960
Speaker 1: I want him to help more and be a true partner.

750
00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:09,000
Speaker 1: I've communicated this to my husband, but there has been

751
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:12,360
Speaker 1: no consistent change. I want my marriage and desire to

752
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:14,920
Speaker 1: keep my family together. How can I get my husband

753
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:17,040
Speaker 1: to be the partner I need and bring the spark

754
00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:23,239
Speaker 1: back into our marriage. There's two things we don't the

755
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:27,040
Speaker 1: chicken or the egg in this in this sense, right,

756
00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:31,040
Speaker 1: he says she forgot how to be a wife. She

757
00:38:31,239 --> 00:38:33,520
Speaker 1: says he's not really good to being a father in

758
00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:36,640
Speaker 1: a productive partner. We don't know which came first. Right,

759
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:40,160
Speaker 1: of course, she had two tough pregnancies. Right, We don't

760
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:43,400
Speaker 1: know if because of the hormones, her attitude pushed him away,

761
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:46,600
Speaker 1: or we don't know if his neglect during the pregnancy

762
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:49,359
Speaker 1: pushed her away. You see what I'm saying. It would

763
00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:51,520
Speaker 1: be nice to hear both of their perspective, so we

764
00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:53,960
Speaker 1: can kind of put a timeline together which came first,

765
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,279
Speaker 1: Because once you know which came first, then you can

766
00:38:56,280 --> 00:39:00,200
Speaker 1: attack the root problem. All the other problems become eye

767
00:39:00,239 --> 00:39:03,600
Speaker 1: products of the root problem. Right. For example, A lot

768
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:05,480
Speaker 1: of times, and you and I have talked about this

769
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:08,919
Speaker 1: during pregnancy. Then after pregnancy, when you are a mom,

770
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:12,080
Speaker 1: some women lose sight of the fact that you still

771
00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:14,239
Speaker 1: have to be a wife and be of service to

772
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:17,040
Speaker 1: your husband the same way your husband has to continuously

773
00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:19,640
Speaker 1: be of service to you even when you have kids.

774
00:39:20,239 --> 00:39:22,200
Speaker 1: Right as a partner, as a spouse, you don't get

775
00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:24,239
Speaker 1: the chance. You don't get an opportunity to say, well,

776
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,680
Speaker 1: I'm no longer serving you because we have kids. That's

777
00:39:26,719 --> 00:39:29,480
Speaker 1: both sides. Husband does not allow to say that, and

778
00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:31,440
Speaker 1: a wife is not allowed to say that. So we

779
00:39:31,719 --> 00:39:35,279
Speaker 1: we have to be cognizant as partners and spouses that

780
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:39,120
Speaker 1: we have a responsibility to continuously take care of each

781
00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:43,000
Speaker 1: other while having kids. You don't get to put that aside,

782
00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:45,800
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Well, you had gotten a

783
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:48,080
Speaker 1: little backlash once when you had said that you put

784
00:39:49,080 --> 00:39:53,080
Speaker 1: me before the kids. Yes, and um, we were just

785
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:55,080
Speaker 1: kind of like, why would we not? Well this this

786
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:57,759
Speaker 1: is why you get back because people tend to be

787
00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:01,040
Speaker 1: idiots right when they'll say they'll say stuff like which

788
00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:04,920
Speaker 1: comes first, the kids or your spouse? They want to

789
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:07,960
Speaker 1: equate that too. There's one piece of chicken left in

790
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:09,799
Speaker 1: the house, who are You're given a piece of chicken

791
00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:12,759
Speaker 1: to your kids or your spouse, and then you have

792
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:15,239
Speaker 1: to make a decision, and based on the decision you make,

793
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:17,640
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, that decides whether or not

794
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:21,560
Speaker 1: you're good person. Not that's not how life works. If

795
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:23,120
Speaker 1: all the kids are full and there's one piece of

796
00:40:23,200 --> 00:40:24,920
Speaker 1: chicken left, so my wife is gonna get it because

797
00:40:25,239 --> 00:40:29,280
Speaker 1: she's hungry. Context, Like, people need to understand there's context

798
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:32,480
Speaker 1: with these stupid ask questions. They ask to kind of

799
00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:35,239
Speaker 1: put people in the box. Right. I will always put

800
00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:39,160
Speaker 1: my wife first, mainly because my wife and I are

801
00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:42,400
Speaker 1: the ones who created this life together. My wife is

802
00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:45,839
Speaker 1: a better mom when I put her first, so she'll

803
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:48,520
Speaker 1: be better for the kids if I make sure that

804
00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:50,920
Speaker 1: she is good in all aspects of life. That's one

805
00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:53,879
Speaker 1: thing I can appreciate. And that's always mentality. Right. That's

806
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:55,799
Speaker 1: why we said, you know in the previous podcast, why

807
00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:58,080
Speaker 1: we have met and Papa here because you felt like

808
00:40:58,200 --> 00:40:59,920
Speaker 1: if I can help to take some of these stress,

809
00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:02,719
Speaker 1: some of the you know, the demands off of you

810
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:04,799
Speaker 1: on a day to day basis, think that will free

811
00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:06,439
Speaker 1: up time for you to be more of a wife

812
00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:09,440
Speaker 1: and a spouse. To me, yes, and people need to

813
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,120
Speaker 1: understand that when they have kids. A lot of people

814
00:41:12,239 --> 00:41:15,000
Speaker 1: when they get kids and this is not me talking

815
00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:18,120
Speaker 1: because I've done it perfectly. I've done the same thing.

816
00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:20,879
Speaker 1: There's been times where I've been so invested in our

817
00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:23,400
Speaker 1: children that I forgot to be a husband, you know

818
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:26,239
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, And that that happens if you're not

819
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:29,799
Speaker 1: constantly doing evaluations of yourself and saying, wait a minute,

820
00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:32,200
Speaker 1: wait a minute, when's the last time I've done this

821
00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:34,640
Speaker 1: for my wife? This just happened, but two nights ago.

822
00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:38,120
Speaker 1: I I thought I was doing a fairly good job

823
00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:40,440
Speaker 1: of bouncing back after Dakota and just trying to get

824
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:42,160
Speaker 1: back to my routine of things and trying to make

825
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:43,840
Speaker 1: sure that you were taken care of and we're spending

826
00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:46,440
Speaker 1: time together. And then Dakota gets sick, and then I'm

827
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:49,439
Speaker 1: literally instantly in mom mode. I'm just like baby, baby, baby,

828
00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:51,160
Speaker 1: baby baby, And was just like damn, I feel like

829
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:53,239
Speaker 1: I lost my girlfriend again, Like where did you go?

830
00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:55,719
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, bro, I'm in my mode right

831
00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:57,520
Speaker 1: now because I need to be because our baby is sick.

832
00:41:57,680 --> 00:41:59,680
Speaker 1: Are you really going to be upset? Because like, right

833
00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:02,200
Speaker 1: now can't have all the attention on you. But it's

834
00:42:02,239 --> 00:42:04,400
Speaker 1: also just like a give and take, like you have

835
00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:07,360
Speaker 1: to know when things, who needs what more more in

836
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:09,160
Speaker 1: that one moment, you know what I'm saying, and making

837
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:10,920
Speaker 1: sure that it's balanced, because then we have the nights

838
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:12,480
Speaker 1: where we have date nights where I'm like, all right,

839
00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:14,279
Speaker 1: these two nights of the week. You know, I want

840
00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:16,080
Speaker 1: to try to make sure that Mimi keeps the baby

841
00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:18,759
Speaker 1: downstairs so I can focus on He'll be time. You know,

842
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:22,640
Speaker 1: I understand that. But what happens is is sometimes you

843
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:24,759
Speaker 1: tend to think that you're doing everything in your power,

844
00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:27,480
Speaker 1: but you're not utilizing the assets that I've helped provide

845
00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:32,320
Speaker 1: you that you can be a girlfriend mom. Right, So,

846
00:42:32,480 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 1: for example, if the baby is sick and not feeling well,

847
00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:39,279
Speaker 1: your mom is not only a dope grandmother and mother

848
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:41,880
Speaker 1: of three kids, she's also a registered nurse. So if

849
00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:44,800
Speaker 1: anybody can take care of the baby, it's her. And

850
00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:49,040
Speaker 1: if the baby is not in a dire need for

851
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:54,399
Speaker 1: their parents, let the help help. That's why mom lives here.

852
00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:58,320
Speaker 1: Mom lives here for those purposes. You take away Mom's

853
00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:01,040
Speaker 1: power away when you don't allow her to help when

854
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,239
Speaker 1: she really wants to help, and then say to me

855
00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:05,760
Speaker 1: with the vow you know I gotta do this. Actually,

856
00:43:05,880 --> 00:43:07,400
Speaker 1: you don't have to do it, because there's a lot

857
00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:10,160
Speaker 1: of times I have to delegate responsibilities to your mom

858
00:43:10,280 --> 00:43:12,080
Speaker 1: or your dad when I have to make sure I'm

859
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:14,719
Speaker 1: doing things to make sure you're okay. And I think

860
00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:18,040
Speaker 1: that we as spouses have to learn that it is

861
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:20,800
Speaker 1: okay to say, you know what, my child does need me,

862
00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:24,719
Speaker 1: but I've created create a great space here where my

863
00:43:24,840 --> 00:43:27,120
Speaker 1: child is going to be taken care of. Let me

864
00:43:27,200 --> 00:43:29,840
Speaker 1: make sure my spouse is okay. It's not okay to

865
00:43:30,080 --> 00:43:33,200
Speaker 1: always put your spouse on the back burner, like it's

866
00:43:33,239 --> 00:43:35,879
Speaker 1: not always okay with that your your spouse always get

867
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:40,000
Speaker 1: what's left over. Nobody always wants to be I'll deal

868
00:43:40,080 --> 00:43:43,520
Speaker 1: with you after because like she said, she said, I

869
00:43:43,600 --> 00:43:45,399
Speaker 1: do this, I do that, I am help with the kids,

870
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:46,799
Speaker 1: to help with this, but at the end of the day.

871
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:48,880
Speaker 1: So then now you're trying to get back to your

872
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:51,640
Speaker 1: husband at the end of the day. And she she's

873
00:43:51,680 --> 00:43:53,600
Speaker 1: not the only person that does that. I know. I've

874
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:56,200
Speaker 1: done that plenty of times when I got so into

875
00:43:56,320 --> 00:44:00,160
Speaker 1: Jackson's basketball and then still I have to train, and

876
00:44:00,239 --> 00:44:04,160
Speaker 1: then I have to meet with my castmates for for readings,

877
00:44:04,239 --> 00:44:07,040
Speaker 1: and then Cairo wants to work out, and I'm realized

878
00:44:07,080 --> 00:44:09,400
Speaker 1: a couple of days have gone by and I'm like, oh, shoot,

879
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:12,000
Speaker 1: I haven't even hugged on a kissed on my wife.

880
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:13,960
Speaker 1: I haven't checked on my wife. So it's not a

881
00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:16,879
Speaker 1: thing that just moms do it. Dad's do it too.

882
00:44:16,960 --> 00:44:20,320
Speaker 1: I got so engrossed in what Jackson and Cairo needed

883
00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:22,279
Speaker 1: and what I needed for my career. I forgot to

884
00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:26,000
Speaker 1: be a husband. And it's okay when you realize that

885
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:28,520
Speaker 1: you forgot, but now you got to fix it and

886
00:44:28,640 --> 00:44:31,640
Speaker 1: make sure that that doesn't become a pattern. It's the

887
00:44:31,719 --> 00:44:34,040
Speaker 1: pattern that becomes the problem. Because if it's just a

888
00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:35,800
Speaker 1: couple of times that happens here and there, we get it.

889
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:38,720
Speaker 1: She gets busy stuff all through the tracks. We're adults.

890
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,440
Speaker 1: We can understand that, you know. But yeah, it's when

891
00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:43,759
Speaker 1: things become a pattern. And I think what happened in

892
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:47,320
Speaker 1: her circumstance too. She said that he's not agreeing to

893
00:44:47,480 --> 00:44:49,839
Speaker 1: help more with the children. So it's like she all

894
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:51,320
Speaker 1: she has left at the end of the day is

895
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:53,360
Speaker 1: no energy because she's been doing everything all day. So

896
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:55,880
Speaker 1: I'm curious to know why he is not as involved

897
00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:58,719
Speaker 1: with the children to kind of help meet her. You

898
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:00,880
Speaker 1: know if it means like, Okay, she cooks dinner and

899
00:45:00,960 --> 00:45:03,160
Speaker 1: he does bathtime, or like, how do they distribute the

900
00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:05,480
Speaker 1: help in the house so to make sure that they

901
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:06,960
Speaker 1: can both have time for each other. This is way

902
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:10,120
Speaker 1: I read between the lines. She said he had a

903
00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:15,480
Speaker 1: tough time dealing with the hormones. Typically that means I'm

904
00:45:15,560 --> 00:45:17,719
Speaker 1: not responsible for the things I did. And I said,

905
00:45:17,719 --> 00:45:20,200
Speaker 1: because it was the hormones and my husband was not

906
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:24,040
Speaker 1: used to dealing with it, doesn't that says the hormones.

907
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:28,719
Speaker 1: That's not an excuse for you behaving poorly postpartument the

908
00:45:28,760 --> 00:45:31,920
Speaker 1: same time, which we've been. We've been been, so I

909
00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:34,680
Speaker 1: understand that. But that makes you wonder like, okay, if

910
00:45:34,760 --> 00:45:37,759
Speaker 1: if your hormones are that bad, were you even receptive

911
00:45:37,840 --> 00:45:39,960
Speaker 1: to him helping? Because here's the thing I've noticed, even

912
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:41,640
Speaker 1: with moms, don't worry, I got it. Don't worry, I

913
00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:43,080
Speaker 1: got it. Do it this way, let me do it,

914
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:46,160
Speaker 1: do it this way. Fine, you do it your way.

915
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:48,080
Speaker 1: Now I'm letting you do it your way. And you

916
00:45:48,080 --> 00:45:50,759
Speaker 1: don't even want to help. Come on, bro, did we

917
00:45:50,840 --> 00:45:54,600
Speaker 1: have this conversation? You have friends recently? Yes, you have

918
00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:57,880
Speaker 1: to let dad's and and this is not me taking

919
00:45:59,040 --> 00:46:02,320
Speaker 1: aside when I'm pointing out are things that happened in

920
00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:06,800
Speaker 1: relationships that people don't realize happen. For example, a dude

921
00:46:07,320 --> 00:46:09,560
Speaker 1: may be dealing with the fact that their wife is

922
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:13,719
Speaker 1: going through hormonal changes, so he steps back, which is

923
00:46:13,760 --> 00:46:16,440
Speaker 1: something you shouldn't do. Or she may not want him

924
00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:18,040
Speaker 1: to help the way he wants to help because his

925
00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:20,759
Speaker 1: version of help doesn't look like hers, which you shouldn't do,

926
00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:23,680
Speaker 1: so he steps back. You see what I'm saying. We

927
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:26,320
Speaker 1: have to dissect with the problem came from before we

928
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:28,600
Speaker 1: can even help these people, because I kind of want

929
00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:31,960
Speaker 1: to know, like, well, what happened first. Definitely get his

930
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:35,360
Speaker 1: perspective because they were best friends. Let friends don't just

931
00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:37,920
Speaker 1: quit on each other. Now, something had to happen, and

932
00:46:38,000 --> 00:46:40,080
Speaker 1: it's a rough patch man, Like once she was introduced.

933
00:46:40,320 --> 00:46:42,440
Speaker 1: They were married for eight years, almost five and they

934
00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:44,160
Speaker 1: were married for two before they had their daughters, so

935
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:46,279
Speaker 1: they had a nice little stint was just the two

936
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:49,840
Speaker 1: of them, and kids can totally just coming in and

937
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:52,560
Speaker 1: chap and screw ship up. And here's the truth. Guys,

938
00:46:52,640 --> 00:46:56,120
Speaker 1: don't don't feel guilty or be upset when you don't.

939
00:46:56,280 --> 00:46:57,799
Speaker 1: I saw what I mean, neither think it was. Kid.

940
00:46:58,400 --> 00:47:01,560
Speaker 1: Kid was talking about how he just don't like being

941
00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:04,040
Speaker 1: a parent all the time, and sometimes he has to

942
00:47:04,080 --> 00:47:05,800
Speaker 1: go in the room and just scream or talk to

943
00:47:05,880 --> 00:47:08,840
Speaker 1: himself because he's like, I don't like these little people

944
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:11,879
Speaker 1: having so much control over my life. But then people

945
00:47:11,880 --> 00:47:13,920
Speaker 1: will make people will feel guilty about it, like this

946
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:16,319
Speaker 1: is such a blessing. I'm supposed to like it. It's

947
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,400
Speaker 1: a change, and it's okay for you to not be

948
00:47:18,480 --> 00:47:21,200
Speaker 1: comfortable in that change, but find ways to cope, you

949
00:47:21,280 --> 00:47:23,520
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. And it's the same thing when

950
00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:25,200
Speaker 1: you you know, when you have your kids and your wife.

951
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:27,360
Speaker 1: There are times where I look at my wife and

952
00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:30,439
Speaker 1: she's all running around my kids, and everything is the kids, kids, kids,

953
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:33,080
Speaker 1: all day, all day, all day, and then at nighttime

954
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:35,040
Speaker 1: when I want to watch a movie or something, that

955
00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:40,120
Speaker 1: she's passed out, like damn, I just wanted my girlfriend,

956
00:47:40,200 --> 00:47:43,040
Speaker 1: Like I wanted to watch a movie. I wanted to cuddle,

957
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:45,080
Speaker 1: I wanted to make out, I wanted to have I

958
00:47:45,160 --> 00:47:47,880
Speaker 1: wanted to play pool and flirt and have those moments,

959
00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:51,880
Speaker 1: but I couldn't. And the human in me gets jealous

960
00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:54,680
Speaker 1: of the fact that you chose to use your energy

961
00:47:54,840 --> 00:47:58,840
Speaker 1: towards the kids. That's fine. How you respond to that feeling,

962
00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:01,880
Speaker 1: it's gonna be indicative of the type of man you are,

963
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:03,799
Speaker 1: and I think that's what a lot more men need

964
00:48:03,880 --> 00:48:06,000
Speaker 1: to realize. It's okay if you have those feelings the

965
00:48:06,080 --> 00:48:08,319
Speaker 1: same way. So okay if moms, you feel guilty when

966
00:48:08,360 --> 00:48:10,879
Speaker 1: your husband is so focused on the kids and he's

967
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:13,120
Speaker 1: not paying attention to you. Y'all haven't done date night,

968
00:48:13,200 --> 00:48:15,680
Speaker 1: he hasn't brought you flowers because y'all may have a

969
00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:17,879
Speaker 1: daughter and all his attention is on his little girl,

970
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:19,720
Speaker 1: or y'all may have a son and he's at football

971
00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:22,200
Speaker 1: practice for hours and he hasn't taken you anywhere or

972
00:48:22,200 --> 00:48:24,640
Speaker 1: done anything. It's okay to feel upset about that. But

973
00:48:24,719 --> 00:48:27,600
Speaker 1: how you respond to those times and how you communicate

974
00:48:27,719 --> 00:48:30,520
Speaker 1: those times is what's gonna be indicative of how your

975
00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:33,120
Speaker 1: relationship makes it or not making facts on facts on

976
00:48:33,280 --> 00:48:36,600
Speaker 1: facts right into us. If you want to be featured

977
00:48:36,760 --> 00:48:39,000
Speaker 1: as the listener letter, best place to do it is

978
00:48:39,120 --> 00:48:41,920
Speaker 1: emailing us all right, d ms, get flooded. All that

979
00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:44,000
Speaker 1: I told you before. Please don't give me the dissertations

980
00:48:44,000 --> 00:48:45,600
Speaker 1: and the d ms because you probably won't see him

981
00:48:45,960 --> 00:48:49,359
Speaker 1: and I won't see him. So advice at gmail dot com.

982
00:48:49,719 --> 00:48:51,759
Speaker 1: That's d E A d A S s A d

983
00:48:51,920 --> 00:48:55,040
Speaker 1: v I C at gmail dot com. You did it again,

984
00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:59,279
Speaker 1: v I C at Gmail. But it's okay. People can

985
00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:01,560
Speaker 1: e ad A s A s A d v I

986
00:49:01,719 --> 00:49:10,880
Speaker 1: C at gmail dot com. Fabulous. Okay, Now you're not

987
00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:12,919
Speaker 1: gonna keep you if you wanna talk to Mohammed about

988
00:49:12,960 --> 00:49:14,880
Speaker 1: his punctuation, not gonna make sure you're spelling ship right,

989
00:49:14,920 --> 00:49:17,719
Speaker 1: all right, that's just what it is. Same punctuation with

990
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:20,839
Speaker 1: your retainer in ten times fast, I can't even find

991
00:49:20,920 --> 00:49:24,440
Speaker 1: my retainers. Shut up? Was punk Awa puns away from

992
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:30,320
Speaker 1: punks away? Give these people the moment, your moment of

993
00:49:30,360 --> 00:49:32,879
Speaker 1: truth so we could send them on their merry way.

994
00:49:33,160 --> 00:49:35,200
Speaker 1: This is my moment of truth. It's very simple, right,

995
00:49:35,239 --> 00:49:37,560
Speaker 1: It's the same thing that we've been preaching for years.

996
00:49:37,960 --> 00:49:43,239
Speaker 1: Communication is extremely important. Moving in together were truly determined

997
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:46,200
Speaker 1: whether or not you guys can live in harmony for

998
00:49:46,239 --> 00:49:48,680
Speaker 1: the rest of your lives if you want to get married,

999
00:49:49,520 --> 00:49:52,840
Speaker 1: I for one, will not recommend people getting married randomly

1000
00:49:52,920 --> 00:49:55,360
Speaker 1: without moving in together, because you truly don't know anyone

1001
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:57,880
Speaker 1: unless you live with them. That's a different that's a

1002
00:49:58,000 --> 00:50:01,239
Speaker 1: different beast altogether, But understand that there's a process to

1003
00:50:01,280 --> 00:50:03,840
Speaker 1: get through it, and if you continue to communicate, you

1004
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:05,759
Speaker 1: can make it through the rainy days. And on the

1005
00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:10,759
Speaker 1: other side of the rain is what bow. Oh thank

1006
00:50:10,840 --> 00:50:13,640
Speaker 1: you baby, well mama on the truth stems off of

1007
00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:16,239
Speaker 1: my sound by earlier which says that I am an

1008
00:50:16,280 --> 00:50:20,360
Speaker 1: advocate for shacking up. I agree you guys should get together.

1009
00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:21,960
Speaker 1: See what it's like to be with somebody for an

1010
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,400
Speaker 1: extended period of time, what their living situation is like,

1011
00:50:24,520 --> 00:50:27,600
Speaker 1: what their livelihoods are like inside the realms of their house.

1012
00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:30,120
Speaker 1: But also to making sure like we've had in one

1013
00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:32,759
Speaker 1: of these um the breakdown here is that that's not

1014
00:50:32,920 --> 00:50:35,880
Speaker 1: your sole purpose moving in is to save money. You

1015
00:50:36,040 --> 00:50:39,040
Speaker 1: have to really like and enjoy this person's company and

1016
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:42,160
Speaker 1: being in their space. That should be the reason why,

1017
00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:44,000
Speaker 1: if anything, you guys are looking to be in a

1018
00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:47,279
Speaker 1: relationship one and then moving together, it should not just

1019
00:50:47,400 --> 00:50:49,600
Speaker 1: be under the constraints of making it formal where it's

1020
00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:53,360
Speaker 1: just for saving purposes or for other motives or other reasons.

1021
00:50:53,840 --> 00:50:56,719
Speaker 1: Genuinely wanting to be around and loving to be in

1022
00:50:56,800 --> 00:50:59,160
Speaker 1: the space with somebody is a really good starting point

1023
00:50:59,600 --> 00:51:04,520
Speaker 1: for then and deciding if moving in is right or not. Okay, okay,

1024
00:51:04,960 --> 00:51:07,239
Speaker 1: And now I'm gonna move in to letting y'all go

1025
00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:11,960
Speaker 1: all right so we can move on with the day. Um,

1026
00:51:12,280 --> 00:51:14,920
Speaker 1: go ahead and follow us on social media at dead

1027
00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:18,160
Speaker 1: as the podcasts on social media, and then I am candeen,

1028
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:20,520
Speaker 1: I am and I am devout. And if you're listening

1029
00:51:20,640 --> 00:51:26,319
Speaker 1: on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe as.

1030
00:51:27,160 --> 00:51:29,640
Speaker 1: And if your wife changes your toilet paper, you can

1031
00:51:29,680 --> 00:51:32,439
Speaker 1: go to any local or CVS and get the little

1032
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:35,040
Speaker 1: appointment package for free. Just tell them that you guys

1033
00:51:35,080 --> 00:51:36,879
Speaker 1: some issues and you don't gotta pay for it. Heard

1034
00:51:36,920 --> 00:51:43,439
Speaker 1: that here first. No, no partnership with Charman. Somebody hooked

1035
00:51:43,480 --> 00:51:46,800
Speaker 1: that up. I get us up. Dead Ass is a

1036
00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:49,760
Speaker 1: production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced

1037
00:51:49,800 --> 00:51:53,360
Speaker 1: by the Norapinia and Triple. Follow the podcast on social

1038
00:51:53,440 --> 00:51:56,040
Speaker 1: media at dead as to podcasts and never miss a thing.

1039
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:03,560
Speaker 1: I see les I