1 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,880 Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't 2 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:11,639 Speaker 1: a liability. It's a real guest. If we don't know 3 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,960 Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's 4 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:17,479 Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die 5 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:20,880 Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a 6 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:25,639 Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah, 7 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:27,480 Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was 8 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:30,960 Speaker 1: no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel 9 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:36,600 Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. 10 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,159 Speaker 1: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And 11 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,480 Speaker 1: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope 12 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:49,040 Speaker 1: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others, 13 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:53,120 Speaker 1: and the world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy. 14 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:58,440 Speaker 1: Hey guys, Kat here and you're listening to a new episode, 15 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 1: new Monday episode of You Need Therapy podcast. Before we 16 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:06,479 Speaker 1: get into it, want to remind everybody that although this 17 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:10,040 Speaker 1: podcast is hosted by a therapist and it's called You 18 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:13,080 Speaker 1: Need Therapy, it does not serve as a replacement or 19 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,960 Speaker 1: substitute for mental health services. But it's allowed to help 20 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,959 Speaker 1: you along your journey. I decided it was time to 21 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,240 Speaker 1: talk about for a whole episode, something that comes up 22 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:29,279 Speaker 1: a lot during my work day as a therapist, meaning 23 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:31,240 Speaker 1: a lot of clients are talking about this in one 24 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:36,240 Speaker 1: way or the other, and it is motivation and really 25 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:41,080 Speaker 1: more specifically the lack of motivation. So very often people 26 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:44,000 Speaker 1: come into my office to make some kind of change 27 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,319 Speaker 1: in my life. That's not news to anybody. There is 28 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: ninety nine percent of the time something that somebody wants 29 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,880 Speaker 1: to be different in their life when they come into therapy, 30 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,000 Speaker 1: when they come into my office and I meet them 31 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:59,360 Speaker 1: and we talk why are you here? And we know 32 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,160 Speaker 1: that for things to be different, we have to do 33 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 1: something different. And we also know, and if you don't know, 34 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,799 Speaker 1: now you're about to know that the definition of insanity 35 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,160 Speaker 1: is doing the same thing over and over and over 36 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 1: again expecting a different result. So, since we're not trying 37 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,680 Speaker 1: to become insane by coming to therapy, we are wanting 38 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:22,240 Speaker 1: something different, means that we have to do something different. So, 39 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:24,239 Speaker 1: since we are not trying to become insane by going 40 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:27,120 Speaker 1: to therapy, wanting something different means that we are going 41 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:30,080 Speaker 1: to have to do something different. And this is when 42 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,120 Speaker 1: this back and forth happens when clients make a plan 43 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:36,200 Speaker 1: to try to do something or put some action steps 44 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,119 Speaker 1: in place to reach some goal, and week after week 45 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,680 Speaker 1: they come back in and they come to my office 46 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,920 Speaker 1: and they're like, uh, I didn't do the thing. I 47 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,480 Speaker 1: didn't do the thing. I didn't do the thing. And 48 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,639 Speaker 1: it becomes this revolving door, like we make a plan, 49 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,160 Speaker 1: you go, you don't do it. You come back, we 50 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 1: make a plan again, you don't do it. And this 51 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,800 Speaker 1: whole cycle can sound different for different people. Sometimes when 52 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,760 Speaker 1: they come back and they say I didn't do it, 53 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:03,680 Speaker 1: their excuses. Times I just can't. Sometimes they just avoid 54 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,120 Speaker 1: the fact that they didn't do it by bringing up 55 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,560 Speaker 1: another topic. But you end up doing this song and 56 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:10,720 Speaker 1: dance where the goal really isn't being met. And what 57 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:14,360 Speaker 1: can happen is we can label the issue with this 58 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:17,080 Speaker 1: goal not being met with a lack of motivation to 59 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,000 Speaker 1: do something. And I want to talk about this today 60 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,800 Speaker 1: because I think there's a way. I believe there's a 61 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:26,120 Speaker 1: way that we can reframe this idea of I just 62 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,760 Speaker 1: have a lack of motivation to change or act or 63 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: move in a way that can become more helpful. We 64 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,880 Speaker 1: can reframe how we're looking at motivation, so we can 65 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,760 Speaker 1: find more of a motivation and it can be a 66 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 1: more motivating way of looking at things. So I really 67 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,840 Speaker 1: like the saying that says, whatever you choose, you're making 68 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 1: a choice either way. I think there's a million ways 69 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:51,240 Speaker 1: that that is said. But whatever choice you're making, if 70 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:52,880 Speaker 1: you're saying I don't want to do something, or you 71 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:56,280 Speaker 1: do something, you're making a choice either way. And I 72 00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:01,320 Speaker 1: really like this because for me it offers so much power, like, oh, 73 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,920 Speaker 1: I'm making a choice, and my end quotes inability to 74 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,840 Speaker 1: make a choice is actually me making a choice. It's 75 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:11,200 Speaker 1: not an inability at all. It's very empowering to me. 76 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:14,160 Speaker 1: It tells you that you are doing something, you are 77 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,520 Speaker 1: capable of doing something. You just might be doing the 78 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,520 Speaker 1: thing you don't want to do. And the thing about 79 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 1: motivation is depending on how you view and how you 80 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,599 Speaker 1: define it. To find it, sometimes you have to realize 81 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 1: that it's not really motivation that you're looking for and 82 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:31,400 Speaker 1: that you need, which is why I want to reframe 83 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,960 Speaker 1: this today. So when you look up the definition of motivation, 84 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,760 Speaker 1: you'll find two different kind of answers. One talks about 85 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:41,520 Speaker 1: the desire or willingness to do something, and then the 86 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:45,120 Speaker 1: other one is an explanation or reason for why we 87 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 1: did or didn't do something right. So a reason my 88 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:52,240 Speaker 1: motivation for going to the park was to get fresh air. 89 00:04:52,279 --> 00:04:54,760 Speaker 1: My motivation for starting this podcast was to help people. 90 00:04:54,839 --> 00:05:00,120 Speaker 1: My motivation for making coffee is to get more energy, 91 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,960 Speaker 1: Like there's a reason that I'm doing these things. And 92 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 1: I think when we think and when we talk about 93 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,600 Speaker 1: the lack of motivation that we're frustrated with, when we 94 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,120 Speaker 1: are saying like, oh, I just like can't get motivated, 95 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,360 Speaker 1: or I can't find motivation, or I can't whatever, I 96 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,680 Speaker 1: can't do the thing, I don't think we're talking about 97 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,920 Speaker 1: a lack of a reason for our goal. I don't 98 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 1: hear as often people say I don't have motivation to 99 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,480 Speaker 1: do this because I don't see why that would be 100 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,880 Speaker 1: good for me. It's usually more something like I want 101 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:31,719 Speaker 1: to do this thing, but I can't get my body 102 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,120 Speaker 1: to do this thing because that thing takes effort and 103 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:37,400 Speaker 1: energy and they might not want to spend time and 104 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,960 Speaker 1: energy on that thing. So we labelize that I don't 105 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,839 Speaker 1: have motivation or I can't find motivation, and then we 106 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960 Speaker 1: become victims. We become helpless. It's not my fault. There's 107 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,039 Speaker 1: nothing I can do. I can't find the desire to 108 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 1: do this, so I can't do it. Now. This would 109 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 1: be fine if we only needed to do things that 110 00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:56,200 Speaker 1: we in quotes wanted to do, which if you're somebody 111 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: who's like, yeah, totally, that's how I am. We're adults. 112 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,200 Speaker 1: No one can tell me what to do, and being 113 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,320 Speaker 1: an adult means I get to make all the rules. 114 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:08,080 Speaker 1: Then you're probably not going to love this idea and 115 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:12,200 Speaker 1: reframe that I have because I think the dream as 116 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,560 Speaker 1: a kid was that when you're an adult, you grow 117 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,480 Speaker 1: up and you get to just do the things you 118 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,000 Speaker 1: want to do, and you don't have to do the 119 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 1: things you don't want to do. I think about being 120 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 1: a kid and my mom telling me that I need 121 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,800 Speaker 1: to make my bed, or clean my room or just 122 00:06:25,839 --> 00:06:28,000 Speaker 1: clean anything for that matter, or be home. At this time, 123 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,719 Speaker 1: it's like, I can't wait to be an adult and 124 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,840 Speaker 1: I'm never going to clean my room. But then you 125 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,120 Speaker 1: get to be an adult and you're like, oh my gosh, 126 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,880 Speaker 1: I really wish that my mom was here making me 127 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,240 Speaker 1: clean my room, because that's why I cleaned my room. 128 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,279 Speaker 1: And now I don't want to clean my room. So 129 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,919 Speaker 1: being an adult doesn't really mean you only have to 130 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,000 Speaker 1: do the things you want to do. You could do that, 131 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,320 Speaker 1: I don't know that your life would be really looking 132 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,640 Speaker 1: the way you really wanted to look. It really means 133 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,880 Speaker 1: you are now in charge of finding ways to make 134 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,719 Speaker 1: sure you get those things done that aren't very fun 135 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,320 Speaker 1: because they still have to be done, and you might 136 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:00,440 Speaker 1: not like the task, but the outcome of that task 137 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 1: might be important to you. I had a client years 138 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:07,400 Speaker 1: ago who talked about a lot of work struggles with me, 139 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,280 Speaker 1: and she had a good job, and she didn't necessarily 140 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,720 Speaker 1: hate her job. I don't think it was her dream job, 141 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,680 Speaker 1: but she would often talk about this inability to get 142 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,400 Speaker 1: certain tasks done when she knew she was capable of 143 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,280 Speaker 1: doing them, like more than capable of doing them. And 144 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:22,880 Speaker 1: one day she came in my office and sat down 145 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 1: and was like, I figured it out. I was like, 146 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,720 Speaker 1: what did you figure out? Tell me more? She said, 147 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,120 Speaker 1: I figured out why it's so hard for me to 148 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,720 Speaker 1: do these things that really aren't that hard. And I said, okay, 149 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 1: what did you figure out? And she said, I don't 150 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:42,120 Speaker 1: like doing them. I do not like doing them. I 151 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,320 Speaker 1: don't enjoy it, so that's why I put them off 152 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,400 Speaker 1: and I don't do them. I don't remember exactly what 153 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 1: I replied, but I said something along the lines of like, 154 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:54,480 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, wow, Like that's such a great revelation. Now, 155 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,480 Speaker 1: I guess we got to look for something else, right, 156 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,080 Speaker 1: Like what is? Where does that lead you to? And 157 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,280 Speaker 1: this was a long time ago, so give me some 158 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:04,040 Speaker 1: grace here, because I would not respond in this kind 159 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:07,240 Speaker 1: of way today. But she was like, I'm going to 160 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,400 Speaker 1: get into a different job. Like that's what this. I 161 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,160 Speaker 1: just have to get a different job. And I was 162 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:15,400 Speaker 1: telling my supervisor about this later and he just looked 163 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,920 Speaker 1: at me and was like, we will not be encouraging 164 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,280 Speaker 1: people to only do the things that they find pleasurable, Catherine, 165 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,480 Speaker 1: That's not how life works. And I was like, yeah, 166 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:26,160 Speaker 1: but like now, because she knows this, she can just 167 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,280 Speaker 1: go find a job and she can do things that 168 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:32,440 Speaker 1: she likes to do in this job. And he was like, well, 169 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:36,320 Speaker 1: what happens when the next job involves a part that 170 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:40,000 Speaker 1: she doesn't enjoy doing? Jobs that come with zero parts 171 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,600 Speaker 1: that employees don't find pleasurable are extremely rare. Slash. I 172 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,320 Speaker 1: don't even know if they exist. And that's true. Like 173 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,480 Speaker 1: I love my job, but there are parts of my 174 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:51,839 Speaker 1: job I do not like doing, but I do have 175 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 1: to do them still, And it doesn't mean that I 176 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 1: need to get a new job because I don't like 177 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,920 Speaker 1: these tasks that I have to do, which feels very 178 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,400 Speaker 1: elementary say, but I think it's important to say at 179 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,880 Speaker 1: the same time, because we look at things and we're like, oh, 180 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,079 Speaker 1: I don't like doing that, not going to do it. 181 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:11,240 Speaker 1: I don't have to, and I don't have an eloquent 182 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:14,720 Speaker 1: way to say it. But that's not how life works. 183 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,120 Speaker 1: If we want certain things out of our life, we 184 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,640 Speaker 1: cannot just do things that feel good all the time, 185 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:24,040 Speaker 1: even though we have the ability to make that choice. 186 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 1: In my life, there are a million things that I 187 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:28,640 Speaker 1: need to do in order to live the life that 188 00:09:28,679 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 1: I want to live that I will never want to do. 189 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:34,760 Speaker 1: For example, I will never be super excited about doing 190 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 1: the dishes. It is just something that generally I do 191 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,800 Speaker 1: not find joy in. I will never find joy in it. 192 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,360 Speaker 1: I also hate doing the laundry. The moment where I hear, 193 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:46,959 Speaker 1: like the ding ding ding on the washer that signals 194 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,760 Speaker 1: me that it's time to put myself in the dryer. 195 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,360 Speaker 1: I dread that moment because then I'm like, oh my gosh, 196 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:54,000 Speaker 1: I have to go separate my clothes, hang all my leggings, 197 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,120 Speaker 1: do this, do that. I don't like it. But the 198 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,000 Speaker 1: thing is, I do wash my dishes and I do 199 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:02,720 Speaker 1: do my laundry. And the reason that I am able 200 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:06,440 Speaker 1: to find motivation to complete these things is not really 201 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:11,400 Speaker 1: because I found motivation this like desire to engage in 202 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,640 Speaker 1: this task. It's because I identify that these things are 203 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,160 Speaker 1: important to me. I don't want ants all in my kitchen. 204 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,560 Speaker 1: I don't want my sink to smell bad. Forget about ants. 205 00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 1: I don't want bigger bugs in my kid I just don't. 206 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:27,280 Speaker 1: I want to feel clean in my space, and I 207 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:28,959 Speaker 1: also want to wear clean clothes. I don't want to 208 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,120 Speaker 1: smell bad. I want to take care of the things 209 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,600 Speaker 1: that I buy. So I don't want to clean my 210 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:38,600 Speaker 1: clothes and I don't want to clean my dishes. But 211 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,280 Speaker 1: there are other things that are important to me, and 212 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,840 Speaker 1: so I do the task. My motivation comes from deciding 213 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,760 Speaker 1: or identifying that something is or isn't important to me. 214 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:51,240 Speaker 1: If it's important enough, chances are you're going to find 215 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,400 Speaker 1: a way to do it, or at least find a 216 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,520 Speaker 1: way to attempt to do it to start, and if 217 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,440 Speaker 1: it's not you will maybe do it, maybe you'll still 218 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,640 Speaker 1: do it, but most likely we're going to find an 219 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:02,960 Speaker 1: excuse as to why you can't, and you'll become that 220 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:13,080 Speaker 1: hopeless victim. Now I could stop here and be like, Okay, 221 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 1: that's my reframe, But I also know that we need 222 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,120 Speaker 1: more than information, and we need more than knowledge. We 223 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,959 Speaker 1: need ways in which we can apply that. So then 224 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,720 Speaker 1: we can apply the information in the knowledge so we 225 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,840 Speaker 1: can make some changes, changes that are going to feel 226 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:30,320 Speaker 1: really good to us. And so how can I go 227 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,880 Speaker 1: from feeling like I lack motivation to do the things 228 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:36,440 Speaker 1: that I seemingly want or need to do to doing them? 229 00:11:36,559 --> 00:11:39,600 Speaker 1: Now we already started to talk about the shifts in 230 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,120 Speaker 1: the thinking how we talk about it is this important 231 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,760 Speaker 1: to me versus do I have this like excitement to 232 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,400 Speaker 1: go do it? So instead of I can't seem to 233 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,800 Speaker 1: find the motivation, we have to say things like I 234 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,800 Speaker 1: can't seem to decide if this is important to me 235 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,439 Speaker 1: or not. If it's not important to you, then okay, 236 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,160 Speaker 1: I get it. Let's move on to something else and 237 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,199 Speaker 1: work on something that's important to you. But again, rarely, 238 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:05,400 Speaker 1: rarely are people talking to me about not being able 239 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:09,040 Speaker 1: to do things that sound like things that aren't important 240 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,400 Speaker 1: to them. For one reason or another, these things are 241 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,800 Speaker 1: important to them. So let's talk about ways to apply this, 242 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,320 Speaker 1: and I'm going to make it really easy. We're going 243 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,080 Speaker 1: to have a list, because people love lists, So let's 244 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 1: start with number one. The first thing we got to 245 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:23,839 Speaker 1: do is focus on what it is that you want. 246 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,600 Speaker 1: Let's look at the goal of the task versus the 247 00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:31,680 Speaker 1: actual task, and what this is doing. This is actually 248 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 1: letting you look more at what you want and what 249 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,240 Speaker 1: you're going to get out of doing this task than 250 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,960 Speaker 1: just focusing on like a chore that you don't really 251 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,160 Speaker 1: want to do. So if I can't find motivation to 252 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,440 Speaker 1: let's say get up in the morning and go for 253 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:49,800 Speaker 1: a walk before work. Okay, well, that task of walking 254 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,280 Speaker 1: might sound really dreadful to you, kind of like the 255 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,520 Speaker 1: task of me separating my clothes out of the washer 256 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,120 Speaker 1: and putting them in the dryer. I don't want to 257 00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,360 Speaker 1: do that. But what is the goal? So why are 258 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:05,280 Speaker 1: we actually setting up this task or chore? What's the goal? 259 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,480 Speaker 1: What's behind that? What is the goal of a walk? 260 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 1: Is it something more than just going on a walk? 261 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:13,760 Speaker 1: Is the goal of the walk to feel more energized? 262 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,440 Speaker 1: Is it to take care of your health? Like, what 263 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,520 Speaker 1: is that goal? Let's put that goal in the forefront 264 00:13:18,679 --> 00:13:21,839 Speaker 1: rather than the walk. Maybe you can't find motivation to 265 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:25,240 Speaker 1: fill out job applications. I totally get that. You keep 266 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: saying I'm gonna do it tomorrow, I'm gonna do it, 267 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,079 Speaker 1: and then you just like scroll on your computer. Okay, Well, 268 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:34,440 Speaker 1: the task of filling out a job application sounds also dreadful. 269 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,840 Speaker 1: But is the goal of filling out the application to 270 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,079 Speaker 1: fill out the application? Or is the goal to get 271 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,240 Speaker 1: a new job? Is the goal to feel happier in 272 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:46,199 Speaker 1: my career? Is the goal to I mean, think about 273 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,959 Speaker 1: what the goal could be and then we focus on 274 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:53,079 Speaker 1: that instead of this chore. That again is so great. 275 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 1: So one, focus on what you want. Two after you 276 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:01,439 Speaker 1: focus on what you want, really get serious and decide 277 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,720 Speaker 1: what is important to you. Does that goal matter to you, 278 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,560 Speaker 1: and it's very important it needs to matter. Is your 279 00:14:09,559 --> 00:14:12,040 Speaker 1: physical health important to you if that's the goal of walking? 280 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,520 Speaker 1: Is having a job important to you? If that's the goal? 281 00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:17,600 Speaker 1: Filling out the job lovlication is having a clean kitchen 282 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:21,640 Speaker 1: without bugs roaming around important to you if that's the 283 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:24,680 Speaker 1: goal of doing your dishes. So at this point we 284 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:28,280 Speaker 1: can move from a space of wanting to feel energetically 285 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,800 Speaker 1: excited to do a task into a space where you 286 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:35,760 Speaker 1: can say, I value this, so I'm going to do this. 287 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,520 Speaker 1: And because those two things they don't sound like that 288 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,120 Speaker 1: big of a deal, but they can be exhausting. You'll 289 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:46,480 Speaker 1: need some help keeping the momentum going a bit. So 290 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:47,880 Speaker 1: that I told you, I'm giving you a list. We 291 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:51,080 Speaker 1: have one, we have two, now we have three. After 292 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,240 Speaker 1: we do that, we need to look at how we 293 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:57,120 Speaker 1: can reward ourselves in a way that builds on the 294 00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:00,480 Speaker 1: work that we're doing instead of against it. And that's 295 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,360 Speaker 1: something I see over and over and over. It's like, oh, 296 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,040 Speaker 1: I did this, so I gave myself this reward, and 297 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,560 Speaker 1: the reward literally like undid whatever task it was that 298 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,880 Speaker 1: you did. It's like, oh, I cleaned the kitchen, so 299 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,920 Speaker 1: I baked a cake. Like okay, that's awesome, you clean 300 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,720 Speaker 1: the kitchen, but then you've just made a lot of dishes. 301 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:19,520 Speaker 1: And that's just a silly example, but it kind of 302 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:22,120 Speaker 1: describes what I'm talking about. We just have to make 303 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:26,480 Speaker 1: sure that the rewards were giving ourselves don't undermine our goals. 304 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:30,120 Speaker 1: Don't then send a message that you just did that thing, 305 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,800 Speaker 1: but you're going to reward yourself in this way, which 306 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:34,960 Speaker 1: means that you actually like this and you don't like 307 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,120 Speaker 1: doing the task, so I like making a mess versus 308 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,760 Speaker 1: cleaning and doing the dishes and having this clean kitchen. 309 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,880 Speaker 1: Another way to look at that is if my reward 310 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,760 Speaker 1: for doing the dishes every night for a week is 311 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,640 Speaker 1: to say the next week, I don't have to do it, 312 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:55,120 Speaker 1: you're reversing the momentum that you built. It works against you. 313 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:59,440 Speaker 1: And something that's really important to tell anybody who will 314 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:03,400 Speaker 1: listen is that a lot of achievement comes from people 315 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,600 Speaker 1: finding ways to make the things they want to achieve 316 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,920 Speaker 1: the easiest they can be. Achievement doesn't just come from 317 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,800 Speaker 1: being strong and having willpower and just like doing it anyway. 318 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,240 Speaker 1: People might say that, but when it comes down to it, 319 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,040 Speaker 1: you have to find ways that make this the easiest. 320 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,200 Speaker 1: So reframing it like I've been talking about makes it easier. 321 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,440 Speaker 1: Doing something like this, like saying, oh, let's do the 322 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,520 Speaker 1: dishes for a week and then don't do them. I 323 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,160 Speaker 1: didn't think i'd be talking about the dishes so much 324 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,160 Speaker 1: in this episode, but that makes it really easy for 325 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,520 Speaker 1: you to fall back into an old habit, and it 326 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:40,880 Speaker 1: is just very very tempting, an old habit of not 327 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,320 Speaker 1: doing it and not caring, and again sends the message 328 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,840 Speaker 1: that this isn't that this isn't important to you. So 329 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:52,320 Speaker 1: another example, So I really wanted to work on wearing 330 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:57,320 Speaker 1: normal clothes to work every day this year. There's nothing 331 00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:00,800 Speaker 1: wrong with it, but I oftentimes would wear leggings and 332 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,880 Speaker 1: a sweatshirt and tennis shoes to work, and that is 333 00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:06,359 Speaker 1: totally fine. But I started realizing, like, hey, I really 334 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,960 Speaker 1: like getting dressed, and there's a lot of clothes in 335 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,919 Speaker 1: my closet that I want to be wearing. But I 336 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,280 Speaker 1: just have gotten in this habit of putting the easiest 337 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,199 Speaker 1: thing on going out the door and not thinking anything 338 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,040 Speaker 1: of it. I really want to put more effort into 339 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:24,359 Speaker 1: getting ready for work in the mornings, and so I 340 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 1: am wearing jeans a lot more often than I used 341 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,800 Speaker 1: to wear jeans. I would not be doing myself any 342 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,760 Speaker 1: favors if I put all of my leggings in the 343 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,800 Speaker 1: same drawer as all of my jeans right, because I'd 344 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,840 Speaker 1: open the drawer and I'd say, hmm, those leggings sure 345 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,320 Speaker 1: do look cozy, and ooh, I can just put that 346 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,000 Speaker 1: sweatshirt on it, and I can get out the door 347 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:46,280 Speaker 1: and I can be ready faster and xyz. That would 348 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,280 Speaker 1: be making my goal harder for me. Why do I 349 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,840 Speaker 1: need to do that? We do not need to impress 350 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:56,400 Speaker 1: people by how much temptation we can resist. I don't 351 00:17:56,400 --> 00:18:00,000 Speaker 1: know anybody who sits around and talks about how much 352 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,560 Speaker 1: willpower somebody has and really really cares that much and 353 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,600 Speaker 1: it really makes that much impact on their life. Like 354 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:09,080 Speaker 1: people generally don't care about how much willpower somebody else has, 355 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,680 Speaker 1: So you don't need to really prove anything to anybody else. 356 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,199 Speaker 1: So if it makes it easier for you to wear jeans, 357 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,959 Speaker 1: to put your leggings underneath your bed in a box, 358 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 1: guess what, that's what I do. And if I need 359 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,800 Speaker 1: to work out, I will get the box out and 360 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,760 Speaker 1: I put the leggings on and I head out the door. 361 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:26,280 Speaker 1: But I don't have to have that conversation. Do I 362 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:28,440 Speaker 1: wear a leggingstory wear jeanes? Do I wear leggings? Wear 363 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,480 Speaker 1: jeans as I'm getting ready in the morning. So again 364 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:35,320 Speaker 1: number three, find rewards for yourself that build on your 365 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:38,400 Speaker 1: work instead of against it. I'm just this just came 366 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,359 Speaker 1: to my head, but I gave examples of what not 367 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,960 Speaker 1: to do, but with the dishes, Like instead of saying, okay, 368 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,240 Speaker 1: after a week you cannot clean the dishes for a week, 369 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 1: you can take a week off. Well, what if after 370 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,600 Speaker 1: I did it for a week, you can go get 371 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:53,919 Speaker 1: that fancy scrub or brush thing that you've been looking 372 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:57,359 Speaker 1: at at target, Like, find something that makes that thing 373 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:00,679 Speaker 1: better for you or more exciting in some way. And 374 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:05,920 Speaker 1: then number four pay attention to losses and not just gains. 375 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:10,080 Speaker 1: So I know this one sounds a little bit weird, 376 00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:12,440 Speaker 1: like why should we pay attention to these negative things, 377 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,399 Speaker 1: But it's because loss of version is a thing, and 378 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,680 Speaker 1: sometimes looking at what you lose works better than looking 379 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,520 Speaker 1: at what you gain. And it makes sense. Think about 380 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,840 Speaker 1: how I talk about the fear of the unknown a lot. 381 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,560 Speaker 1: Even though we want something different than what we have now, 382 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:32,760 Speaker 1: we sometimes say to ourselves, it's not worth the risk 383 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:36,399 Speaker 1: of losing this thing that I have right now. It's 384 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,159 Speaker 1: not ideal, but I know I can survive it. To 385 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,840 Speaker 1: gain that thing that isn't really guaranteed. There was a 386 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:47,680 Speaker 1: study done in twenty sixteen where scientists from the University 387 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,520 Speaker 1: of Pennsylvania ask people to walk seven thousand steps a 388 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,760 Speaker 1: day for six months, and some of the people that 389 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:59,240 Speaker 1: participated in this were paid a dollar forty cents, which 390 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,080 Speaker 1: is a random amount of money, each day that they 391 00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 1: achieved their goal, and then other people that participated lost 392 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,960 Speaker 1: a dollar forty if they failed to do the goal. 393 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,320 Speaker 1: So if they didn't do it, they got a dollar 394 00:20:11,359 --> 00:20:13,800 Speaker 1: forty taken away, and then another group if they did 395 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,159 Speaker 1: do it, they got a dollar forty. And the group 396 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:20,440 Speaker 1: that had the dollar forty taken away hit their daily 397 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:24,360 Speaker 1: target fifty percent more often, which is a large amount. 398 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,480 Speaker 1: And it makes me think of how a couple weeks ago, 399 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,960 Speaker 1: I was trying to motivate myself to cook dinner at 400 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,760 Speaker 1: home and use the groceries that I kept buying at 401 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 1: the grocery store and save money and saving money like 402 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,560 Speaker 1: this idea in my head of saving money, Oh, this 403 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:43,640 Speaker 1: is better and it'll be fun. Like none of that 404 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,119 Speaker 1: wasn't motivating to me because I don't really like to 405 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:48,560 Speaker 1: cook dinner. And again it goes into my I don't 406 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:52,679 Speaker 1: like to do the dishes. So I really struggled to 407 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,959 Speaker 1: find motivation to stick with that goal. And so one 408 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,960 Speaker 1: of the things I did is one talk to myself 409 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,920 Speaker 1: off about whether this was really important to me, Like, really, 410 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,200 Speaker 1: why am I setting this goal up? Does this matter? 411 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,840 Speaker 1: Do I care if I'm if I'm saving money? Do 412 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:12,600 Speaker 1: I care if I'm spending more time cooking my own food? 413 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,280 Speaker 1: Do I really care? Why is it important to me? 414 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:18,560 Speaker 1: And then I set up a challenge with one of 415 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:23,040 Speaker 1: my friends where if I ate out that week, like 416 00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:25,240 Speaker 1: during the work week, like Monday through I did Monday 417 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,040 Speaker 1: through Thursday, if I ate out after I bought groceries 418 00:21:28,119 --> 00:21:32,600 Speaker 1: to cook those meals for, I would have to paint 419 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,920 Speaker 1: my friend's ceiling. Which painting the ceiling, I don't even 420 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,760 Speaker 1: know how people do that. And she did it with 421 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,560 Speaker 1: me too. I think hers was if she did it, 422 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,760 Speaker 1: she would have to clean my bathroom, and I was like, 423 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,480 Speaker 1: I'm not going to clean it until this challenge is over, 424 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,520 Speaker 1: so be nice and dirty. And the thing is we 425 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:53,399 Speaker 1: both did it because I did not want to paint 426 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,960 Speaker 1: my friend's ceiling, she did not want to clean my bathroom, 427 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,399 Speaker 1: and so I didn't just look at what I would 428 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:03,320 Speaker 1: gain from cooking at home save money x y Z. 429 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,879 Speaker 1: I looked at what it would cost me if I 430 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,720 Speaker 1: didn't do that goal. And I think that's really helpful, 431 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,160 Speaker 1: and I think it's something that can, like I said, 432 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,120 Speaker 1: help build momentum after we have that initial motivation boost 433 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:18,159 Speaker 1: when we identify something's important to us or not. So 434 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,719 Speaker 1: those are my four ways to actually apply this knowledge 435 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:27,040 Speaker 1: of what motivation really might be and what we really 436 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:31,360 Speaker 1: need to feel motivated. So, like I said before, it's 437 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,400 Speaker 1: really not about finding it. It's about shifting the way 438 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,680 Speaker 1: we view it and then setting ourselves up for success. 439 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,880 Speaker 1: Which sounds like I'm giving some kind of like business talk, 440 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,440 Speaker 1: but I mean this in all aspects of our life. 441 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,000 Speaker 1: You don't have to want to do something right. It 442 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,960 Speaker 1: has to be important to you, and you have to 443 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,480 Speaker 1: have some accountability, and you need ways to remove all 444 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:55,120 Speaker 1: of the temptation that we so often want to put 445 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:58,080 Speaker 1: right in front of our faces. So find ways to 446 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 1: identify that what it is that you want to be doing, 447 00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:04,720 Speaker 1: find ways to make it valuable, and to understand what 448 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,720 Speaker 1: the value is that those things are going to give you. 449 00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:09,000 Speaker 1: I hope this was helpful and if you have any questions. 450 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:14,040 Speaker 1: As always, you can email me Katherine at unitherapy podcast 451 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,080 Speaker 1: dot com. You can follow me at kat van Buren 452 00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:20,720 Speaker 1: on Instagram and at You Need Therapy Podcast Until I 453 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,080 Speaker 1: talk to you guys again on Wednesday for couch Talks. 454 00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:24,760 Speaker 1: I hope you have the day you need to have.