WEBVTT - Jamie Scrimgeour 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.400 Holy Human with Leanne Rhymes is a production of I 0:00:02.520 --> 0:00:17.400 Heart Radio. Welcome my Loves to Today's Holy Human. I 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:19.680 am going to get very personal on this episode, not 0:00:19.800 --> 0:00:22.639 that I don't in every episode, but this one in particular, 0:00:23.000 --> 0:00:25.280 because we are going to be diving into some very 0:00:25.320 --> 0:00:27.600 real topics that are near and dear to my heart 0:00:27.760 --> 0:00:31.480 and I know many of yours too, which is cultivating 0:00:31.560 --> 0:00:36.800 a functional, fulfilling, blended family while navigating the complications of 0:00:36.880 --> 0:00:42.720 step parenting, which can be complex. I'll be joined by 0:00:42.840 --> 0:00:47.080 the refreshingly candid Jamie scrim Jewer, host of the kick 0:00:47.120 --> 0:00:51.880 Ass step Mom podcast, for some seriously honest and open conversation, 0:00:52.479 --> 0:00:54.959 and don't worry, there are a lot of universal takeaways 0:00:54.960 --> 0:01:25.000 to all on Today's Holy Humane Act. Jamie, thank you 0:01:25.040 --> 0:01:27.640 so much for coming on the podcast. I I've been 0:01:27.640 --> 0:01:31.520 watching you from afar for a while now, like over Instagram, 0:01:31.560 --> 0:01:35.240 and there are very few women who actually want to 0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:40.240 discuss being a stepmom. And I'm just so grateful that 0:01:40.520 --> 0:01:45.080 you're sharing your experience in the world, because I know 0:01:45.520 --> 0:01:49.120 there's been very few places for me to go and 0:01:49.200 --> 0:01:53.880 feel like I'm connecting with someone else who's a stepmom, 0:01:54.000 --> 0:01:55.840 and I feel a lot less alone in the world. 0:01:55.880 --> 0:01:58.560 So thank you. Thank you for putting your journey out 0:01:58.560 --> 0:02:01.520 there so vulnerably, because I know it's not easy. Yeah, no, 0:02:01.600 --> 0:02:03.480 it's definitely not. And thank you for saying that, because 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:05.600 that it just means so much when you hear another 0:02:05.640 --> 0:02:09.480 step mom say that what you do matters, because it is. 0:02:09.520 --> 0:02:11.560 It's so vulnerable, right, and you're putting yourself out there 0:02:11.560 --> 0:02:14.440 and you're saying, you know, your deepest, darkest secrets and 0:02:14.520 --> 0:02:17.200 the way you're feeling online. And there's been so many 0:02:17.240 --> 0:02:20.760 times when I'm like, what am I doing? What am 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:23.920 I thinking right now? Right like starting a step mom blogger, 0:02:24.280 --> 0:02:28.160 you know, sharing my experience on my podcast. It's I 0:02:28.240 --> 0:02:30.399 questioned myself. And then I talked to another step mom 0:02:30.400 --> 0:02:33.359 and you get a d M and you're like, oh, yeah, 0:02:33.480 --> 0:02:36.079 I'm talking about this because when I became a stepmom, 0:02:36.120 --> 0:02:38.440 no one was talking about it, no one was no 0:02:38.520 --> 0:02:41.480 one was saying anything, and I didn't realize the way 0:02:41.520 --> 0:02:44.240 that I was feeling. Everyone else was feeling too, but 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:48.120 no one felt comfortable saying it out loud. Yes, yes, 0:02:48.280 --> 0:02:51.600 you knelled it. I'll talk about my stepson's and being 0:02:51.600 --> 0:02:54.560 a stepmom during the middle of my show, and I'll 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:57.760 kind of prompt the audience to be like, yeah, like 0:02:57.800 --> 0:03:02.880 if you're a stepmom, and it's usually islands, come on, now, 0:03:02.919 --> 0:03:05.200 I know there are blended families in this audience. There's 0:03:05.240 --> 0:03:08.880 probably more blended families than not. And finally I'll get 0:03:08.919 --> 0:03:12.880 people like admitting to the fact that they're a part 0:03:12.880 --> 0:03:16.440 of a blended family. And it's it's wild, like it's 0:03:16.440 --> 0:03:19.760 such a taboo topic. So when I when I saw 0:03:19.800 --> 0:03:23.040 you taking on like all these different topics so publicly, 0:03:23.160 --> 0:03:27.160 I applauded you from a distance because I know, like 0:03:27.200 --> 0:03:29.919 I said, I know it the resistance that comes at 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:31.920 me just during a show. Or you think people would 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:35.440 be like, we're totally on team blended family, and people 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:39.520 are like, m yeah, there's no real team, Like no 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:42.160 one's like people were probably like half as raising their 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:47.000 step mom because yeah, it's you know, there is still 0:03:47.440 --> 0:03:51.680 so much stigma and such a double standard when it 0:03:51.720 --> 0:03:54.800 comes to moms and step moms and the way that 0:03:54.840 --> 0:03:57.800 step moms are viewed in our society and it's mind 0:03:57.840 --> 0:04:00.320 bloin to me because there's so many step moms like 0:04:00.440 --> 0:04:04.400 this is this is not an uncommon family situation, but 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:08.360 yet here we all are still struggling to talk about it. 0:04:08.720 --> 0:04:11.000 Yeah for sure, and before I totally want to go 0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:12.800 down that road with you. But before we get into it, 0:04:12.840 --> 0:04:16.320 I would love to know how you became a stepmoment yourself. 0:04:16.720 --> 0:04:20.080 Hold were you? What was that whole? I think I 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:22.400 was young and had no idea. So I was turning 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:25.919 to six and I started dating my husband, who is 0:04:25.960 --> 0:04:28.440 He's thirteen years older than me, so you know, he 0:04:28.480 --> 0:04:32.119 had three kids, He had an established life, a home 0:04:32.440 --> 0:04:35.520 where we live now actually in you know, Hamlet and 0:04:35.560 --> 0:04:38.520 southwestern Ontario. We have a wheat field for a backyard. 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:42.440 I was living in the city and uh, you know, 0:04:42.480 --> 0:04:45.039 working as a child protection worker. So we were two very, 0:04:45.240 --> 0:04:48.520 very different lives, but you know, we were just kind 0:04:48.560 --> 0:04:51.800 of madly in love all in and I didn't really 0:04:51.839 --> 0:04:53.880 think about what life would be as a stepmom. I 0:04:53.920 --> 0:04:56.800 just thought I'd figure it out and I had My 0:04:56.880 --> 0:05:00.240 parents were divorced. I work in child protection, back ground, 0:05:00.240 --> 0:05:02.560 in psychology, worked with kids. Like I felt like I 0:05:02.600 --> 0:05:07.200 had all the things I needed to you know, be 0:05:07.279 --> 0:05:10.479 a successful step mom because I've done it on professionally. 0:05:10.520 --> 0:05:15.200 I I supported so many families. I became a Stepma myself, 0:05:15.360 --> 0:05:18.560 and I realized, you know, very quickly that you know, 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:20.840 being the expert on the outside and living it in 0:05:20.880 --> 0:05:23.840 real life, there's so many different Well it's just the emotions, right, 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:27.560 you don't know how it's going to feel. And uh so, yeah, 0:05:27.839 --> 0:05:31.760 I got it really overwhelmed very quickly. And I think, 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:35.560 you know, for me, looking back, we had so many doubters, right, 0:05:35.600 --> 0:05:39.600 like so many people, you know, having opinions about our relationship. 0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:42.080 I was young, like, did I know what I was 0:05:42.080 --> 0:05:45.120 signing up for? You know, was I ready for kids? 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:47.440 You know, was I this like, well, yeah, I know 0:05:47.520 --> 0:05:51.559 who was ready for kids? No? No, I didn't, um, 0:05:51.640 --> 0:05:54.760 but you know, was I this rebound because you know, 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:58.360 the new young wife? Like it was just like a stereotype, right, 0:05:58.760 --> 0:06:01.719 So there was a lot of a lot of doubters 0:06:01.760 --> 0:06:04.560 in our lives. And even my dad straight up told 0:06:04.560 --> 0:06:07.000 me not to marry them, Like my dad was like no, 0:06:07.279 --> 0:06:10.240 my mom was like no. In fact, at my wedding, 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:13.800 my dad and in his speech said, you know, I 0:06:13.839 --> 0:06:17.279 told Jamie not to do this, but she, you know, 0:06:17.800 --> 0:06:22.600 told me to go f myself. Basics. Is I appreciate 0:06:22.760 --> 0:06:24.440 that was a good way. It was a really touching 0:06:24.440 --> 0:06:27.080 wedding speech. Um. But yeah, there's so many people who 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:29.320 just thought that this wasn't going to work. And so 0:06:30.040 --> 0:06:31.680 I think my big thing at the beginning was I 0:06:31.720 --> 0:06:33.440 was trying so hard to be perfect and have it 0:06:33.480 --> 0:06:37.040 all together and not say I was struggling and and 0:06:37.080 --> 0:06:40.080 all of that, and inside I was like, oh my gosh, 0:06:40.080 --> 0:06:42.520 what was I thinking, Like this is so much harder 0:06:42.600 --> 0:06:44.880 than I thought it was going to be. Yeah, I 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:47.599 was twenty eight, and I was still like I felt 0:06:47.640 --> 0:06:49.640 like I had grown up so much certain parts of 0:06:49.680 --> 0:06:51.719 me and then other parts of me were still very young, 0:06:51.920 --> 0:06:54.559 and I was so in love, like I didn't think 0:06:55.000 --> 0:06:56.760 you don't think about that side of it. You just 0:06:56.800 --> 0:06:59.720 think love can conquer all and everything will just work 0:06:59.720 --> 0:07:03.400 out and everybody's gonna like me eventually, and you know, 0:07:03.520 --> 0:07:06.560 like I can make this work, Like I'm I'm always 0:07:06.600 --> 0:07:09.120 one of those people that's like if if I put 0:07:09.200 --> 0:07:11.440 my mind to it, like everything's going to be okay. 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:14.320 And then you get like five six years in and 0:07:14.360 --> 0:07:17.720 you're like what the fuck, Like I can't control everybody 0:07:17.760 --> 0:07:21.280 and everyone, And you know, I think that that's been 0:07:21.320 --> 0:07:24.040 such a I mean, there's been so many lessons I 0:07:24.080 --> 0:07:30.080 think step mamahood as Um definitely taught me so much 0:07:30.120 --> 0:07:33.800 about myself and about my boundaries. Like I didn't even 0:07:33.920 --> 0:07:36.720 know what boundaries were until I started to have to 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:40.920 deal with, you know, not only an expouse, but also children, 0:07:40.960 --> 0:07:44.960 like children that we're very different because one was six 0:07:44.960 --> 0:07:47.400 and one was two when I started, you know, hanging 0:07:47.400 --> 0:07:49.720 around them, so it was they had both very different 0:07:49.720 --> 0:07:52.920 experiences of me and as I of them. So it 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:55.560 was wild for me. At least, it was an afterthought 0:07:55.600 --> 0:07:57.360 that I just thought I could make work and everything 0:07:57.360 --> 0:08:01.840 would be fine, and it's it was a very loud 0:08:02.200 --> 0:08:08.000 reality of something completely completely different. It was, Yeah, it's 0:08:08.000 --> 0:08:10.840 been a wild ride. Yeah for sure, And you know, 0:08:11.360 --> 0:08:12.960 I love what you said. They're like, well, I just 0:08:13.040 --> 0:08:14.640 kind of dove in and I didn't think about it 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:16.800 too much. And I get step Mom's reach out to 0:08:16.800 --> 0:08:19.360 me all the time before they get married, and like, 0:08:19.400 --> 0:08:21.880 well they're dating and I am. I always want to 0:08:21.920 --> 0:08:23.720 say to them, if you're going to over analyze the 0:08:23.760 --> 0:08:27.840 stuff now, like you're you're gonna really just ruin it. 0:08:29.240 --> 0:08:31.360 You're you're overthinking it. Like if you're in, you're in. 0:08:31.480 --> 0:08:34.120 If not, like you got to go because this is 0:08:34.120 --> 0:08:36.240 not going to be easy, right, Like it was almost 0:08:36.280 --> 0:08:40.480 like that ignorance was bliss because you know, it brought 0:08:40.480 --> 0:08:44.160 me to the place that I am at now. And 0:08:44.559 --> 0:08:47.480 if I would have known everything, I don't know if 0:08:47.520 --> 0:08:51.560 I would have allowed myself to fall in love, you know, 0:08:51.720 --> 0:08:54.160 like I wouldn't have put myself in that situation. Who knows, 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:57.480 but that like that's hindsight, But there's a lot of 0:08:57.559 --> 0:09:00.280 challenges that I did not see. Kemming. Oh, yeah, do 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:02.160 we have that much control of our hearts at the 0:09:02.280 --> 0:09:05.360 end of the day, I'm not really sure. Very true, 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:08.480 very true. But I can say it now. You can't. Yes, 0:09:08.559 --> 0:09:10.480 you can say it now. Like I said, I love 0:09:10.480 --> 0:09:12.640 that you share your journey so openly. I love that 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:15.520 you coach. You do coach right, you coach step moms. 0:09:15.600 --> 0:09:18.280 Do you work with would you work with bio moms? Also? Like, 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:20.280 do you work in that kind of situation where you 0:09:20.400 --> 0:09:23.160 work on the relationship with two people? No? I don't, 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:25.920 But I've always thought about doing some mediation stuff because 0:09:25.960 --> 0:09:27.840 I feel like it would be really good to get 0:09:27.840 --> 0:09:30.560 two people and you know, the mom and step mom 0:09:30.640 --> 0:09:32.760 like in the same room and just like have this 0:09:32.840 --> 0:09:37.320 conversation there's this book. It's called No One's a Bit Um. 0:09:37.360 --> 0:09:39.640 I didn't read the whole thing, so I can't speak 0:09:39.640 --> 0:09:43.520 to the entire book, but halfway through um. It's written 0:09:43.559 --> 0:09:45.719 by a mom and by a step mom and a 0:09:45.760 --> 0:09:50.079 bio mom, and they recall in the book the same experience, 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:54.040 like the same event, in two completely different ways. And 0:09:54.080 --> 0:09:58.640 it's so crazy because they both experienced that exact same 0:09:58.840 --> 0:10:01.480 meeting of each other and how each other showed up 0:10:02.200 --> 0:10:06.400 completely different. And I think that's so important to remember too, 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:08.920 when we're in these situations, like the way mom is 0:10:08.960 --> 0:10:11.560 experiencing this, the way the kids are experiencing this, the 0:10:11.559 --> 0:10:14.280 way we're experienced this, Like we're all experiencing this really 0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:19.320 tricky situation from our own lens, based on our own wounding, 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:23.560 our own triggers, our own stories, And I think that's 0:10:23.600 --> 0:10:27.080 the missing piece here, right, And just seeing like it's 0:10:27.200 --> 0:10:30.720 everyone everyone has their own perspective. Yeah, I remember that 0:10:31.000 --> 0:10:34.600 being such a huge awakening for me when I understood 0:10:34.640 --> 0:10:38.800 that every single person has a different lens, And like 0:10:38.840 --> 0:10:41.160 you're saying, it's built up from the moment that we're 0:10:41.280 --> 0:10:44.240 you know, born, through all of our different experiences and 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:46.400 then we show up in this moment, and then this 0:10:46.480 --> 0:10:48.679 moment is seen through our own lens. And I was 0:10:48.760 --> 0:10:52.840 so fascinated just psychologically by that of no, two fingerprints 0:10:52.840 --> 0:10:54.680 are the same, same with the lens in which we're 0:10:54.679 --> 0:10:57.760 looking through, they're not the same. I guess I started 0:10:57.800 --> 0:11:02.320 to have a lot greater you're standing and capacity for 0:11:02.360 --> 0:11:06.520 empathy when I started to try to understand the lens 0:11:06.559 --> 0:11:10.080 in which others were seeing things through. And there's been 0:11:10.240 --> 0:11:13.439 certain times in my situation where I'm like, that didn't 0:11:13.440 --> 0:11:18.840 even happen, like, but according to them, it really did. 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:22.040 And there's been people in our in our circle, in 0:11:22.040 --> 0:11:25.280 our family, our whole family unit, where I would definitely 0:11:25.320 --> 0:11:27.800 say that what people were expressing did not happen in 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:30.439 the room, but they are so adamant about it. And 0:11:30.520 --> 0:11:33.800 so because of people's you know, through the lens of hurt, 0:11:34.000 --> 0:11:36.480 because of the lens of insecurity, Like we're all looking 0:11:36.480 --> 0:11:39.720 through different lens and depending on the day, you know, 0:11:39.880 --> 0:11:42.920 it's given me a lot more compassion for what people 0:11:43.000 --> 0:11:47.559 are experiencing or I think that they're experiencing. Yeah, it 0:11:47.600 --> 0:11:49.440 brings a lot of meaning to the whole The way 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:51.240 people treat you is more about them than it is 0:11:51.240 --> 0:11:54.440 about this very true? Like how true? How true is that? 0:11:54.559 --> 0:11:58.440 Like There's been periods of my step motherhood where I 0:11:58.520 --> 0:12:02.040 literally had that like on repeat in my head. You 0:12:02.160 --> 0:12:05.000 got to like talk yourself through it, right totally? Do 0:12:05.040 --> 0:12:06.680 you have to be your own coach? I mean, that's 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:09.600 that's so interesting. You know, when you when you start 0:12:09.640 --> 0:12:12.960 to go and look up all you know, information about 0:12:12.960 --> 0:12:16.680 stepmotherhood or about you know, the experience itself, there's really 0:12:16.720 --> 0:12:20.000 not There's not a lot out there. Why do you 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:23.200 think that is? And what made you what made you 0:12:23.200 --> 0:12:26.200 want to jump in the fire of I'm going to 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:28.400 be the guide that that helps all of these women 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:32.120 on this journey. Yeah, I don't know. I know it 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:35.360 kind of happened by accident. Really. I when I was 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:38.640 in university and out of the university, I was fascinated 0:12:38.640 --> 0:12:40.760 by blogs and I was I just kind of always 0:12:40.760 --> 0:12:42.600 thought about having a blog and I would just I 0:12:42.640 --> 0:12:45.079 wrote this blog as well, and it wasn't a big thing, 0:12:45.120 --> 0:12:46.760 but I always thought it was cool when someone from 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:49.439 like Australia would read it or something like that, and 0:12:50.240 --> 0:12:54.200 it was interesting when you know. So there was a 0:12:54.240 --> 0:12:58.040 really big pivotal night in my life as a step 0:12:58.080 --> 0:13:00.120 mom and I was on the floor. I was crying 0:13:00.200 --> 0:13:02.720 in the bathroom with wine, and I was like, I 0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:04.960 think I'm out. I I think I think I've been 0:13:04.960 --> 0:13:07.560 there before. Yeah, I think every stepma haas. And I 0:13:07.600 --> 0:13:09.600 was like, I think I'm done, Like this is this 0:13:09.679 --> 0:13:12.319 is too much? Right? I everyone was right, I made 0:13:12.320 --> 0:13:15.520 a mistake. I'm out. That night, I was like, I'm 0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:16.959 either going to get in my car and go far 0:13:17.000 --> 0:13:20.360 far away, or I'm going to figure this out and 0:13:20.400 --> 0:13:22.960 I'm going to be a damn good stepmom. And so 0:13:23.000 --> 0:13:25.600 I went to the internet. I was like googling stuff, 0:13:26.520 --> 0:13:30.240 and there was just a lot of bashing, step mom bashing. 0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:32.319 There was a lot of hate, There was a lot 0:13:32.320 --> 0:13:36.720 of step mom stereotypes, Like there was really nothing that 0:13:36.880 --> 0:13:39.240 resonated with me, and like the support that I did 0:13:39.320 --> 0:13:41.520 find about how a step mom should act. I was 0:13:41.559 --> 0:13:44.000 reading like do you even have step kids? Like do 0:13:44.000 --> 0:13:46.880 you even know how this feels? Like sorry, I can't 0:13:46.920 --> 0:13:50.079 take this from like a general parenting expert, because if 0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:52.120 you're if you're not in it, you don't understand it. 0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:58.000 So I started blogging about it. Never in my life 0:13:58.000 --> 0:14:00.160 did I think that anyone would really read it to 0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:03.120 be quite honest, like I would. I was just kind 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:06.000 of doing it at this point. We had a baby. 0:14:06.440 --> 0:14:09.720 So just to back up, my husband and I got 0:14:09.720 --> 0:14:15.600 together in March, got moved in in July, got engaged 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:19.320 in October. No, yeah, I got engaged in October, married 0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:22.120 in June, pregnant in August, and a baby in in May. 0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:24.880 So like there was a lot going on, and then 0:14:24.880 --> 0:14:27.760 all of a sudden, everything settled and I was like, Okay, 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:30.360 I have three kids, three step kids and a baby 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:31.960 and a husband, and I have a wheat field for 0:14:31.960 --> 0:14:34.240 a backyard and I don't know what is happening right 0:14:34.280 --> 0:14:37.720 with my life and I'm not I'm not even thirty, 0:14:38.520 --> 0:14:41.160 and uh so, yeah, that that's kind of how it 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:43.560 all started. And then I started to get messages from 0:14:43.600 --> 0:14:46.000 people from all over thanking me for saying the things 0:14:46.040 --> 0:14:49.000 that they were afraid to say, and it really just 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:52.080 kind of transformed from there. I was like, wow, there 0:14:52.160 --> 0:14:53.960 is something here. And at that point, no one was 0:14:54.000 --> 0:14:56.360 talking about step parenting online other than just kind of 0:14:56.360 --> 0:14:59.360 like the bashing Facebook groups. So I just kind of 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:03.200 went all in and and here we are. Now. I 0:15:03.240 --> 0:15:05.880 love it. I think it's very brave and I you know, 0:15:05.960 --> 0:15:07.880 I'm sure there's got to be a lot of intense 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:11.800 energy that comes at you from both sides. I mean, 0:15:11.960 --> 0:15:17.040 there's step moms who are angry and frustrated, and there's 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:20.440 bio moms who are angry and frustrated for different reasons. 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:22.880 I mean, how do you handle that as a blogger? 0:15:23.080 --> 0:15:25.080 How do you handle that kind of energy that comes 0:15:25.120 --> 0:15:27.080 at you on the Internet. I've had a lot of 0:15:27.080 --> 0:15:32.040 it coming me from from for different reasons, and I honestly, 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:34.640 this is the first conversation that I've really had about 0:15:34.680 --> 0:15:37.120 this topic. And I've been a bit afraid for the 0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:41.600 past twenty fo hours because it is you. When I 0:15:41.640 --> 0:15:43.520 speak on this, A lot of times I feel like 0:15:43.520 --> 0:15:47.440 I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't, and yeah, okay, 0:15:47.480 --> 0:15:52.680 well thanks. It's not just a feeling. It's but at 0:15:52.720 --> 0:15:55.720 the same time, I know I'm at a place where 0:15:55.720 --> 0:16:00.640 I can speak very clearly on my own experience. I've 0:16:00.680 --> 0:16:03.400 come to terms with being able to handle the energy 0:16:03.440 --> 0:16:05.560 that comes at me because I know who I am. 0:16:05.600 --> 0:16:08.560 I wondered what your experience is like, because you are 0:16:09.840 --> 0:16:13.480 so blatantly like entering these worlds you know, in their 0:16:13.520 --> 0:16:18.280 heavy topics I did actually get a really good hate 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:22.200 mail from a husband the other day. So the step 0:16:22.240 --> 0:16:25.560 mom had been, you know, following my content, and I 0:16:25.560 --> 0:16:28.240 had been talking about boundaries and talking about you know, 0:16:28.400 --> 0:16:30.680 trying to set some stuff, and sometimes people take a 0:16:30.760 --> 0:16:32.880 little bit and then don't take the whole thing, and 0:16:33.040 --> 0:16:36.800 maybe her delivery of my messaging wasn't completely aligned with 0:16:36.840 --> 0:16:39.920 what I was actually saying, and so he wasn't happy. 0:16:40.240 --> 0:16:42.280 Every once in a while, I get a I get 0:16:42.320 --> 0:16:45.760 a really good email from someone who's really upset, and 0:16:46.600 --> 0:16:48.880 it comes back to it's not about me. You know, 0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:52.160 it really isn't about me. And I think that because 0:16:52.360 --> 0:16:55.120 you know, when I present myself, when I'm having conversations online, 0:16:55.200 --> 0:16:59.680 I am pretty no bullshit in the way that I 0:16:59.720 --> 0:17:02.040 show up. So I don't think I get as much 0:17:02.120 --> 0:17:07.159 hate as people think I would. That's good. So I 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:10.000 don't know if they're just anticipating that I'm going to 0:17:10.040 --> 0:17:13.240 create content about it, because typically I will make it 0:17:13.280 --> 0:17:15.920 as a conversation piece. In fact, often I will get 0:17:15.960 --> 0:17:18.520 people say, hey, this is how I'm feeling about something 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:21.479 you said. Please don't share this um and create content 0:17:21.560 --> 0:17:24.679 on it. But so I've just kind of created that 0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:28.119 type of relationship with my community. And then when people 0:17:28.119 --> 0:17:30.800 are rude like block, block and bless like see you later, 0:17:30.880 --> 0:17:34.280 Like this is my page. And if you're not here 0:17:34.359 --> 0:17:38.000 to be respectful and to grow with each other and 0:17:38.080 --> 0:17:41.360 to just be open and honest, then you don't belong here. 0:17:41.440 --> 0:17:44.320 So I have no problem just blocking that and just 0:17:44.480 --> 0:17:48.399 and just saying saying goodbye block and blessed. I like 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:52.800 that was like later, I just don't have time for it, right. 0:17:53.080 --> 0:17:54.879 And here's the thing we haven't. Like when you're a 0:17:54.880 --> 0:17:56.800 step mom, you've got enough drama and stuff in your 0:17:56.840 --> 0:17:59.040 own life, even when things are good. It's like what 0:17:59.080 --> 0:18:01.840 Stepma Magazine says, like even when it's good, it's complicated. 0:18:02.119 --> 0:18:05.120 You don't have time for other stuff. So for me, 0:18:05.280 --> 0:18:08.119 it's really been about being very careful about how I 0:18:08.160 --> 0:18:11.440 talk about things. You know, I'm I'm very deliberate about 0:18:11.480 --> 0:18:13.520 what I say and don't stay online. So you will 0:18:13.560 --> 0:18:16.399 never hear me talk down about my stepkids. Mom. You 0:18:16.400 --> 0:18:18.560 will never hear me, you know, say anything negative about 0:18:18.560 --> 0:18:20.919 my step kids. If at any point in time anyone 0:18:20.960 --> 0:18:23.159 my family was like that made me feel uncomfortable that 0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:24.800 you put that, I would be like, it's off right, 0:18:24.840 --> 0:18:26.960 Like my number one priority is always going to be 0:18:27.000 --> 0:18:29.639 my family. And I think that's what actually makes me 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:32.280 different than a lot of other step mom bloggers because 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:34.680 I say this all the time, but like sitting around 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:39.520 bitching about how terrible the exes or you know, how 0:18:39.560 --> 0:18:41.240 hard being a stepmamas, it's not going to make it 0:18:41.240 --> 0:18:44.240 any easier, Like it really does. The change does start 0:18:44.280 --> 0:18:46.840 with you. And I love when I hear other step 0:18:46.920 --> 0:18:50.639 moms say that it has been like this huge evolution, 0:18:50.680 --> 0:18:53.359 this personal evolution. They've learned so much about themselves and 0:18:53.400 --> 0:18:56.560 their triggers and and just grown so much as a person, 0:18:57.640 --> 0:19:02.080 because that's what happens, that which it's all about. Yeah, 0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:06.760 I mean, it really has been the most expansive journey. 0:19:06.920 --> 0:19:10.080 Like you know, my relationship with Eddie has been incredibly expansive, 0:19:10.160 --> 0:19:13.240 and to be able to have the safety and in 0:19:13.359 --> 0:19:16.200 relationship like I do with him has been super expansive. 0:19:16.240 --> 0:19:19.919 But the other and probably even more expansive than that, 0:19:20.000 --> 0:19:24.280 has been my role as a stepmom and navigating so 0:19:24.320 --> 0:19:30.920 many different personalities and also disengaging without being disconnected, which 0:19:30.960 --> 0:19:35.160 can be very confusing. I think, I don't know, there's 0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:37.400 been that's been a huge piece for me. Another huge 0:19:37.400 --> 0:19:41.040 piece has been and you mentioned like drama within the relationship. 0:19:41.480 --> 0:19:43.040 One of the things that I had to look at 0:19:43.080 --> 0:19:47.200 and still do sometimes is like how hooked in am 0:19:47.240 --> 0:19:49.760 I to drama? How much do I get off on that? 0:19:49.840 --> 0:19:54.119 Because I think it's so easy in these relationships, because 0:19:54.119 --> 0:19:57.320 they can be so high conflict, to get sucked into 0:19:57.400 --> 0:20:00.760 it and it be almost like a high, especially when 0:20:00.800 --> 0:20:03.959 you get used to it. If it's not there, you're like, wait, 0:20:04.560 --> 0:20:09.280 it feels something feels wrong because it feels calm. When 0:20:09.280 --> 0:20:12.760 we started to have less of a high conflict experience, 0:20:13.560 --> 0:20:16.879 I started to ask myself like how much of this 0:20:17.000 --> 0:20:22.080 am I causing a and and desiring like actually wanting 0:20:22.119 --> 0:20:26.679 because it fed me in some way. And it was 0:20:26.760 --> 0:20:30.119 such an interesting exploration because now if I see myself 0:20:30.160 --> 0:20:31.720 like trying to get hooked into it, I'm like, nope, 0:20:31.920 --> 0:20:35.280 not not my not my thing. I want peace in 0:20:35.320 --> 0:20:37.800 my life, like peace really, And I think because of 0:20:37.800 --> 0:20:41.040 how I my life has never really been peaceful since 0:20:41.040 --> 0:20:43.120 I was a child. Just by growing up the way 0:20:43.119 --> 0:20:47.159 that I did and having to really unhooked from the 0:20:47.240 --> 0:20:51.160 drama and really make peace a priority has been such 0:20:51.200 --> 0:20:53.600 a huge shift in my own journey and I would 0:20:53.600 --> 0:20:56.160 have never I mean, I'm sure life would have found 0:20:56.200 --> 0:20:58.679 another way to teach me. But step you know, this 0:20:58.760 --> 0:21:02.000 step mom experience has been you know, to put my 0:21:02.119 --> 0:21:06.520 piece first above anything has been super super important for me. 0:21:07.359 --> 0:21:10.159 I love that because I'm a firm believer that you know, 0:21:10.480 --> 0:21:12.640 everyone here has a lesson they need to learn, right, 0:21:12.640 --> 0:21:15.920 and you know what's your lesson? Like You're going to 0:21:16.000 --> 0:21:18.600 find yourself in the same situation over and over and 0:21:18.680 --> 0:21:20.840 over again until you learn the lesson that you need 0:21:20.880 --> 0:21:22.879 to learn. So I'm always saying to step ims, like 0:21:22.920 --> 0:21:25.119 just stop and ask yourself what the lesson is, and 0:21:25.119 --> 0:21:29.320 they're like, no, you don't understanding. His ex wife is 0:21:29.359 --> 0:21:31.840 doing this, his stepkids are doing that, like my stepkids 0:21:31.840 --> 0:21:33.440 are doing this, Like this is you don't get it. 0:21:33.480 --> 0:21:35.399 I'm like, no, I do, I get it, But what 0:21:36.119 --> 0:21:38.520 is this trying to teach you? Like, where's the lesson 0:21:38.560 --> 0:21:41.919 here for you? And as soon as you shift that, 0:21:42.000 --> 0:21:43.680 I think as a step mom and you start to 0:21:43.720 --> 0:21:47.760