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Speaker 1: I am literally about to die, but my parents refuse

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Speaker 1: to let me plan my own funeral because I don't

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Speaker 1: want a Southern Baptist funeral.

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Speaker 2: I mean, how many times did O p ask if

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Speaker 2: they could plan their own funeral? Or are they just

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Speaker 2: beating a dead horse?

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Speaker 1: I love I love Sam's uh right, his title jokes right.

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Speaker 1: He always starts us off fresh, He always starts us

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Speaker 1: off right.

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Speaker 2: Guys. It's like a can of coke, just that sweet

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Speaker 2: satisfying happiness in a bottle? What? What is? What is

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Speaker 2: coch thing? Happiness in a bottle? Is that that sounds accurate? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Or loving a bottle? Loving a bottle one of those

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Speaker 1: sperm juice loving a bottle? Hell yeah, not juice in

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Speaker 1: a can?

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Speaker 2: Our kid love it a bottle. Our version of feastables

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Speaker 2: is not just a can. How much did people, guys?

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Speaker 1: Please please start benmilling us like twenty dollars to pre

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Speaker 1: order your case of nud juice in the can, made

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Speaker 1: with a swirled made with John Sam's real real semens. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's like Little naz X's blood shoes he had like

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Speaker 1: a drop gloom shoes cum shoes. Oh goodness, gracious, all right, ladies, John,

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Speaker 1: We're gonna start this story for you today.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, alright, let's go. Oh my god. Well, if it

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Speaker 2: wasn't obvious already from the title I Am dying, I

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Speaker 2: really should loud. I'm sorry.

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Speaker 1: Yeah it was terrible, But also I do I do

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Speaker 1: feel that op was like going for the humorous angle there.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, I guess I mean it is. It is

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Speaker 2: like I mean, if it's the stand up community would

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Speaker 2: have killed Yeah, yeah, yeah ah.

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Speaker 1: I did not feel the details are super relevant to

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Speaker 1: the issue at hand. But for those who are curious

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Speaker 1: about my ultimate demise, I have cystic fibrosis and have

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Speaker 1: two rejected.

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Speaker 2: Lung transplants to oh my god, this poor guy. I've

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Speaker 2: been told there isn't anything else I can do except

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Speaker 2: keep me comfortable in my last few weeks. So this

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Speaker 2: is literally like men literally can't breathe and the clock

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Speaker 2: is ticking.

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Speaker 1: He's good, good God, what a insane situation to be

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Speaker 1: in two lungs?

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Speaker 2: Does that? So wait, just question, does two lungs mean

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Speaker 2: like a set of lungs or I'm too lung?

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Speaker 1: I feel like he's referencing both all of his his

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Speaker 1: lung organs.

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Speaker 2: So both So he got to when he says he

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Speaker 2: got two lung transplants and right on one lunger. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: is it like they put they put both lungs in there,

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Speaker 2: and then they're like, so it's a one set of lungs.

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Speaker 2: I don't get. I'm getting to Samantha. Our man's dying,

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Speaker 2: all right, he's dying. His lungs ain't hot. But the

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Speaker 2: thing is, has he already breathed his last breath? Well,

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Speaker 2: obviously not well if he has no lungs. He but

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Speaker 2: he's still breathing as he's typing this. How he not well, probably,

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Speaker 2: but he's still like he still has is able to.

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Speaker 1: I mean, maybe there is an iron lung situation. And

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Speaker 1: I don't I feel like I feel like even on

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Speaker 1: an iron lung, maybe I don't.

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Speaker 2: I don't. I don't know how the stuff. You know, guys,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to maybe he has like a uh, that's

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Speaker 2: the I think that's the iron lung. The iron lung.

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Speaker 2: Iron lung is like a as a as a tube

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Speaker 2: that your whole body goes in and you just like

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Speaker 2: your head sticks out and like decompressed SpongeBob.

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Speaker 1: That's literally the extent of my my knowledge. So I'm

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Speaker 1: going to claim the guys, I am uneducated.

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Speaker 2: It's when they when they put you, put you on

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Speaker 2: the tube, you know, like where they pull the plug, right,

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Speaker 2: is that when they put when they pull the plug,

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Speaker 2: it's because they have like thing down your throat. Ventilator, yeah, ventilator, yeah, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 2: a man's on a ventilator. Yeah. The Submary is he's

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Speaker 2: not doing so great.

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Speaker 1: That's that's that's the exact thing. As much as we honestly,

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Speaker 1: I am questioning the same thing right now, we're not terrible. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: or at least yeah, at least o p p h.

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Speaker 1: I mean, honestly, if you're dying, you might as well

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Speaker 1: try to about it, you know, enjoy in any way,

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Speaker 1: I guess. So back to our back to our our

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Speaker 1: our story.

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Speaker 2: Hair lay down, comedian.

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Speaker 1: I begun my preparations for my funeral and such, and

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Speaker 1: while I was thinking it would be a breath of

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Speaker 1: fresh air. Yo, Okay, he did that on Purvose. I'm sorry, funny,

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Speaker 1: this guy's a comedian.

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Speaker 2: I like it.

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Speaker 1: While it would be a breath of fresh air in

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Speaker 1: this whirlwind of death, I could not have been more wrong.

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Speaker 2: Okay, he's he's hamming it up. Good for good for him.

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Speaker 2: That's this guy. Is I feel good about laughing. He's

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Speaker 2: got a good head on his shoulders, but not any

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Speaker 2: not good lungs. Yeah, and his lung stomach.

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Speaker 1: No, no, no, and I'm gone so good. Now onto

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Speaker 1: the title. My parents are both strict Southern Baptist and

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Speaker 1: wants a very traditional funeral. This includes hymns to be

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Speaker 1: sung during the memorial, a casket and a graveside service,

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Speaker 1: a viewing, countless prayers during the memorial, scripture to be read,

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Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Oh my gosh, they.

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Speaker 2: Are just going going full religious. Seriously, what song you

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Speaker 2: want play it at your funeral? Oh? Oh, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: Actually I know what song I wanted my wedding, but

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Speaker 1: I don't know about my fear my funeral highway to hell.

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Speaker 2: There we go, he's on a wall. My god, that

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Speaker 2: is the best funeral ever. Wow.

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Speaker 1: It's kind of like so quick too. Honestly, I'm I'm

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Speaker 1: impressed myself.

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Speaker 2: Now we know, now right into your now, I kind

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Speaker 2: of have to do it lucky like that's that is

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Speaker 2: kind of perfect now that I you know, it's classic

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Speaker 2: songs like it is.

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Speaker 1: It is it is one for the ages, so dang,

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Speaker 1: all right, all right, be relevant whenever you die, honestly, honestly,

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Speaker 1: it be tomorrow, get it.

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Speaker 2: Whether it be like you know, forty years No I

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Speaker 2: thought you said four years, yeah, are tomorrow? Or four

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Speaker 2: years I did at the ripe by age of thirty. Goodbye.

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Speaker 2: You've seen it all.

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Speaker 1: I've seen it all there was it was anything else

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Speaker 1: to see, anything else to see here.

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Speaker 2: Well, maybe like the AI is gonna you know.

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Speaker 1: Take over, but they go yeah maybe, all right, back

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Speaker 1: to the strike of the story. My issue with this

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Speaker 1: whole religious wedding is, well, everything I am the complete

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Speaker 1: opposite of my parents, not religious curse like a sailor

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Speaker 1: and drink.

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Speaker 2: Like the Irish, you name it, I do. It's by

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Speaker 2: those lungs ain't working.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, potentially everything they are wanting and attempting to plan

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Speaker 1: is not right for me as a person. I've somehow

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Speaker 1: made it to twenty five and managed to meet the

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Speaker 1: man of my dreams and marry him, and.

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Speaker 2: He is torn. Dude, twenty five that is fuck so rough,

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Speaker 2: that sucks, that is so rough.

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Speaker 1: He wants me to have it exactly as I want it.

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Speaker 1: He just doesn't want to have to deal with my

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Speaker 1: parents after the fact while still actively grieving. That is

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Speaker 1: a tough position in all honesty. Like now OPI's husband,

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Speaker 1: I would have to deal with the annoyingness of the parents.

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Speaker 2: While while they are grieving. Yeah, that's kind of a lot. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: that's kind of a lot suck. I have two siblings,

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Speaker 2: one of which is a clone of my parents and

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Speaker 2: one that is a mixture of my parents and myself.

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Speaker 2: I want my service to be full of laughter, funny stories, pictures,

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Speaker 2: upbeat music, my cat. My husband and I are avid

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Speaker 2: cat lovers. I want confetti and shit. I want it

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Speaker 2: all fireworks. I mean, last my body into the moon. Honestly,

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Speaker 2: that would be awesome.

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Speaker 1: I would bro if I could I have cold dive

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Speaker 1: or just launch into the air like I'm not even

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Speaker 1: just bro that is the ultimate way to go. Put

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Speaker 1: me strap me on Falcon nine like elon musk shit

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Speaker 1: and just.

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Speaker 2: Something could like strap me on to like a big

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Speaker 2: assu firework that it just explodes and people have to

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Speaker 2: I want everyone to like be around where it would

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Speaker 2: explode and have umbrellas and I want to rain down

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Speaker 2: on them. I don't want to explode.

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Speaker 1: I want to literally make it to I want I

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Speaker 1: want to make it to space. I want people to

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Speaker 1: eat me, but I want people to eat There was

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Speaker 1: a reddis story once where someone got surgery and made

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Speaker 1: tacos out of his foot meat, leg meat or something.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.

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Speaker 1: Things possible, but more importantly, at my funeral, I want

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Speaker 1: to be cremated and put in a effing cat shaped urn.

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Speaker 2: That's hilarious. I love how specific OPI is a great,

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Speaker 2: great sense of here.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I told my husband I wanted my ashes to

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Speaker 1: be handed out like party favors, so that'd be sick.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's different than eating your fucking cadaver.

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Speaker 1: And that those are two separate entities right here, my guy,

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Speaker 1: Those are those are different, different things, not the same.

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Speaker 2: You're saying your say at my funeral, you wouldn't eat

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Speaker 2: fuckinglutely not, I would never. But if it was if

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Speaker 2: it was like you know, uh cooked well bro.

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Speaker 1: Also like we've only got so much meat to go around,

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Speaker 1: like I'm gonna get like your liver or something, it.

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Speaker 2: Would be it would be like a small bit. It

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Speaker 2: would be like like a like a one, yeah, one,

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Speaker 2: like a like theody of Christ. Meat hard pass hard pass,

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Speaker 2: I will never be and this this is a promise.

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Speaker 2: I will never eat any part of you. I will

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Speaker 2: literally promise you that on my life, I solemnly swear

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Speaker 2: do what you want. At your funeral, I'll be that's

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Speaker 2: what I want. I will be there. That's what you're

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Speaker 2: the same as the conservative parents. Apparently that makes me conservative.

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Speaker 1: I am a goddamn Republican bro because because this is

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Speaker 1: crazy in many cultures, right, in many cultures, in many

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Speaker 1: name one culture where they eat their name one fucking

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Speaker 1: culture right now.

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Speaker 2: There's some there's some somebody out there, there's some like

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Speaker 2: tribe like the as Techs or something. I'm sure there's

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Speaker 2: there's people's hearts while they were still alive. The least

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Speaker 2: you could do is eat my toe. Actually what did

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Speaker 2: do you know what culture that is? Though? They eat

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Speaker 2: as hearts, isn't it as text? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: So that that actually counts my ends? Well, that counts

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Speaker 1: because when they pull your heart out, you're dead.

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Speaker 2: Right Well I I well, it's like I think, like, well,

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Speaker 2: like you're dying, Like you pull the heart out, you're

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Speaker 2: the bloodstock stops flowing to your brain. But you have

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Speaker 2: a moment while you're still alive. No, because it's not

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Speaker 2: like like your brain's still your brain's still braining while

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Speaker 2: while you're you know, while.

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Speaker 1: While you're like basically shutting down. Yeow, Yeah, I guess

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Speaker 1: it's like, okay, what's the last of the oxygen and

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Speaker 1: everything in your blood to reach your body and then it.

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Speaker 2: Just yeah I heard it. It's like like fifteen minutes

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Speaker 2: after like you die, if you die from blood loss,

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Speaker 2: like you're like that's when your brain shuts off or

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Speaker 2: like that's when like the last activity in your brain

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Speaker 2: is but you might lose consciousness before, but your brain's

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Speaker 2: still like right, yeah, your body is still reacting.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, bro, this I mean, I guess I shouldn't be surprised,

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Speaker 1: but this could took a very morbid turn, very morbid.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, I should not be surprised.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I told my husband I went in my ashes to

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Speaker 1: be handed out like party favors so my family and

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Speaker 1: friends could take me with them because I love to travel.

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Speaker 1: And he looked horrified. That's fine, I'm fine with that.

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Speaker 2: Well, you would take my ashes. I would totally take

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Speaker 2: your ashes.

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Speaker 1: I will not eat you, but I will one thousand

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Speaker 1: percent a little keychain that actually that's amazing.

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Speaker 2: I think that's a great idea because it's like it's

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Speaker 2: like here's here's someone I love and like a little

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Speaker 2: momento that I get to carry with me that like, hey,

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Speaker 2: every every time I go to unlock my car or

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Speaker 2: my you know, floating tesla in the future, what if

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Speaker 2: I what if? What if you get a pepper shicker,

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Speaker 2: half pepper, half my ashes?

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Speaker 1: Okay, bro, this this man is trying to do anything

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Speaker 1: humanly possible to get me to eat.

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Speaker 2: Him any any by any means necessary. Is this man

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Speaker 2: attempting for me to consume his flesh and he means necessary?

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Speaker 1: It's just that was that was flesh. That absolutely was flesh. Also,

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Speaker 1: this video has to get demonetized, like there's there's no way,

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Speaker 1: there's no way this cannibal talk is going to make it.

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Speaker 2: You don't say the S word. There's no way this bleep.

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Speaker 1: My parents are absolutely not on board and are essentially

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Speaker 1: planning everything how they want, attempting to take me shopping

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Speaker 1: for a casket, flowers, picking out my hymns and versus

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Speaker 1: the whole deal.

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Speaker 2: And I'm obviously not very pleased. Get a cat shaped casket, bro, Actually,

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Speaker 2: you know, do it do it in the like cat position.

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Speaker 2: I was actually I was actually thinking like a like

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Speaker 2: a mummified sphinx deal.

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Speaker 1: I like that, Yeah, the sphinx like sitting on like

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Speaker 1: the Egyptian.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I got you.

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Speaker 1: So, I guess my question would be, would I be

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Speaker 1: the A hole if I took control of my own

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Speaker 1: funeral and wrote a will to be followed exactly how

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Speaker 1: I want it? I understand my parents are grieving, and

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Speaker 1: I've tried to compromise with a mixture of both my

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Speaker 1: views and theirs, but they just are not having it.

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Speaker 1: I never thought dying would be so effing stressful, and

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Speaker 1: I just want to enjoy the time I have left

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Speaker 1: without leaving a bomb of emotion and disappointment behind.

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Speaker 2: Please help. You're not the ahole for sure, definitely not afinite.

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Speaker 2: This might be the strongest not the A hole all.

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Speaker 2: I think. The question is like, who's paying for this? Hmm?

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Speaker 2: That's a good point. I mean, like, if OP is

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Speaker 2: writing it in their will, and let's say Op's husband

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Speaker 2: wants to carry it out, is Op's husband gonna have

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Speaker 2: to pay for everything?

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Speaker 1: I guess it depends. It depends on how much money

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Speaker 1: OP personally has and exactly what he says in the will,

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Speaker 1: because my understanding is like it goes to an estate

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Speaker 1: and then you can tell the lawyer who's like the

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Speaker 1: power of attorney or whatever, like, hey, in this fund

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Speaker 1: you know, in this city bank account oo eight, use

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Speaker 1: these funds for ten thousand dollars worth of these items

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Speaker 1: and get this.

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Speaker 2: Does that mean like the lawyer has to be a

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Speaker 2: party planner for the Oh that's a great question, and

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Speaker 2: it seems so complicated.

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Speaker 1: I honestly, I guess so because if you think about it,

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Speaker 1: like at a minimum, the lawyer has to call like

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Speaker 1: a cat earn company and like, hey, could you or

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Speaker 1: find like a funeral organizer.

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Speaker 2: That can like do it or something? Yeah, maybe that

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Speaker 2: that's so funny.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, Like what are this some the details

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Speaker 1: of a If anyone is a funeral planner, please let

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Speaker 1: us know, Please let us know, or or like power

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Speaker 1: of attorney that has to like, honestly, if you're a

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Speaker 1: power of attorney of like dead people or whatever the

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Speaker 1: term is, I want to know that.

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Speaker 2: The attorney of dead people. That sounds like a zombie attorney.

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Speaker 1: Zombie attorney, I want to know what the weirdest request

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Speaker 1: in a will.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, or it's just like funeral homes in general, like

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Speaker 2: tell us like.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, what's the weirdest yare morticians or whatever? What is

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Speaker 1: your weirdest like funeral request? Of all, there has to

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Speaker 1: be some crazy ones, yeah, like eating, like your guests

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Speaker 1: eating you