Speaker 1: Portions of This American Laugh with Aristotle Atari and Andy Harris.
Speaker 1: The improvised documentary podcast are brought to you by listeners
Speaker 1: like yourself, are esteemed sponsors and the all powerful, all
Speaker 1: knowing Random Sentence Generator, which inspires the stories you're about
Speaker 1: to hear. Yes, whenever you hear this sound, the next
Speaker 1: sentence you hear is a random sentence provided by our
Speaker 1: revered omnipotent Random Sentence Generator. Or more This American Laugh.
Speaker 1: Listen to more episodes of This American Laugh. I guess
Speaker 1: and now your first Random Sentence Day, which is alli
Speaker 1: aren't the best for relationships? Jillian was expecting a guy
Speaker 1: that was classy, debonair a taste for the finer things. Instead,
Speaker 1: you really like potato edges. Can I look over the
Speaker 1: menu again? Please? Yeah? Thank you, thank you? Grah grow Yeah,
Speaker 1: what do you? What do you think? You know what?
Speaker 1: I think I'm gonna go with the wedges? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: potato wedges. Really? Yeah, I think I'm gonna Are they
Speaker 1: like fancy? Do they have like truffles or I'm trying
Speaker 1: to see like, oh, I think if you order a
Speaker 1: side of truffles, Oh, they don't, they don't oh you
Speaker 1: have to. Okay, well just you know, I mean the
Speaker 1: frog corod we're here. Yeah, but we're to celebrate your promotion. Yes,
Speaker 1: and you know what, you order whatever you want off
Speaker 1: of this menu. I personally I'm going to go with
Speaker 1: the potato wedges. Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna feel bad.
Speaker 1: You don't have to feel bad. No, no, no, just
Speaker 1: order anything you want from this menu, from this quadrant
Speaker 1: of the menu. Yeah, down here, right on the bottom right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: anything you want from there. Okay, now that is it's
Speaker 1: your day. Thank you, yes, thank you for clarifying. Horris.
Speaker 1: Of course, these are just the appetizers. I'm like an
Speaker 1: entre kind of woman. Okay, I mean I'm the first chair. Now, okay,
Speaker 1: look at what time is it? In fifteen minutes, I'm
Speaker 1: in the mood. Displurge, yes you, yes, promotion, yes, do it.
Speaker 1: But in minutes you can flip over and you can
Speaker 1: order anything you want off the happy hour menu in
Speaker 1: the top left quadrant. Appetizers again. Yeah, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: there's some entrees on there. I mean, if you, if you,
Speaker 1: if you take multiple appetizers, can be in entree. Look,
Speaker 1: one of us works really hard. Okay, yes, I do. Yes,
Speaker 1: And these bills aren't going to pay themselves, No, they
Speaker 1: are not. You're going to pay them, I am, because look,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be getting any work anytime soon on
Speaker 1: account of the injury. I wanted to talk to you about.
Speaker 1: How are you feeling like in that chair? You look
Speaker 1: a little uncomfortable. My ankle is still harding a little bit.
Speaker 1: But that's what happens when you unintentionally slip and fall
Speaker 1: in a target parking lot. Yeah, it happens. I want
Speaker 1: to get back on the horse, that's right, wire not
Speaker 1: so though I didn't get back to it too soon. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: once the disability check stuff rolling out, I'm sure that
Speaker 1: that's that's really right around the time when I will heal. Yeah. Well,
Speaker 1: as a lawyer, as as I am a first chair lawyer,
Speaker 1: right now, I'm going to advise you to stop telling
Speaker 1: me stuff like this because it kind of gives me
Speaker 1: not plausible deniability, the opposite of plausible denying. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: but but but in the way that it's like attorney
Speaker 1: client privilege. This is confessing to crimes person hearing the
Speaker 1: crimes privilege. Right, That's that's a thing, right, you are
Speaker 1: trying really hard, and I will applaud you for knowing
Speaker 1: about attorney client privilege, but that is actually a thing
Speaker 1: that is only between you and your actual attorney, not
Speaker 1: just any attorney, as I am days later doing at
Speaker 1: a surprise pop in at her office. Julian, Hey, how
Speaker 1: are you. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm still
Speaker 1: a little full from that from that Melia bought me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you do look celebrate your promotion. That was very nice
Speaker 1: of you. By the way, I don't know why I
Speaker 1: forgot my wallet, probably because my wallet doesn't exist anyway,
Speaker 1: I wanted to run something by you. Sure, how would
Speaker 1: you feel about representing me? Okay, you know I thought
Speaker 1: about that. It's not a specific case, by the way, Okay,
Speaker 1: just in life, right, right, I have thought about representing you.
Speaker 1: So I don't want you to think that I have
Speaker 1: not given this any thought. When I deny you right now,
Speaker 1: so I have thought about it a lot. When you
Speaker 1: deny me, Oh so you've already y. Yes, I have
Speaker 1: decided that this this is not going to work out.
Speaker 1: I don't think. Okay, well, I know that as a lawyer,
Speaker 1: you don't like to argue. Yeah, but I am entitled
Speaker 1: to at least a one hour free consultation, So if
Speaker 1: you wouldn't mind, I'd like to take advantage of the
Speaker 1: next fifty eight minutes. Of course, try to convince you
Speaker 1: to take on my overall life as a case. Well,
Speaker 1: I don't want to have a bad reputation, so I
Speaker 1: will hear you out. Eight minutes past, fifty eight minutes
Speaker 1: passed by. Just let me know when that fifty eight
Speaker 1: minutes is going to start. Here, God, what what? What? Night?
Speaker 1: It's here, it's been here. I am so sorry. I
Speaker 1: am so sorry. I did not become first chair by
Speaker 1: behaving this way. But you are taking me to a
Speaker 1: place where I need to suit you to get out
Speaker 1: of my office. They didn't found themselves in Yeah, Ron,
Speaker 1: we're having a hard time understanding what the problem is here.
Speaker 1: Let me just definitely in here. She's refusing to represent
Speaker 1: me as is my right. I see, well, the court reporter,
Speaker 1: please read back the last fifty eight minutes of testimony.
Speaker 1: Oh God, if the long, lean, tedious minutes pasted, Oh
Speaker 1: you know what I find for I gotta be honest,
Speaker 1: I haven't been listening to any of what any of you.
Speaker 1: Yeah you cannot admit to that. But no garden, no,
Speaker 1: no good. That is unacceptable. I have never in all
Speaker 1: my years, I did not become first chair by listening
Speaker 1: to this bullshit. I moved to strike what I just
Speaker 1: said from the record. Thank you, saying it doesn't really
Speaker 1: work like that. I would like to speak sure the
Speaker 1: complaining attorney my chambers, please, thank you. I guess that's me.
Speaker 1: Do they invent to the judge's chambers? She but notice
Speaker 1: were any law books on the shelf? No degrees on
Speaker 1: the wall? Portion counselor yes? Um? How do you feel
Speaker 1: about representing me in life? There's something that works kind
Speaker 1: of drifted off during that hole, during that whole part
Speaker 1: and during the whole the whole, during the whole trial.
Speaker 1: Just now so I I seem to remember the guy
Speaker 1: saying that he wanted you to represent of your life.
Speaker 1: But like I just kind of fell it, fell asleep
Speaker 1: with my eyes open. You know what I would represent you?
Speaker 1: Oh God? And I'll represent you form a very small
Speaker 1: monetary feet as long as I can be guaranteed that
Speaker 1: you kind of hear me out a little bit. I'm
Speaker 1: not asking for you to do anything illegal here, Give
Speaker 1: me preference because it sounds a lot of like I know,
Speaker 1: it sounds like that some people would think that it was,
Speaker 1: but they don't know the law. You know what. I
Speaker 1: think a qualified judge might consider this to be bribery,
Speaker 1: and it's very serious crime. But I don't see any
Speaker 1: of those here. You're merring, dismissed, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1: This is this American laugh. I'm sorry. As always, I'm
Speaker 1: joined by producer Andy and I especially guest contributor for
Speaker 1: this week is Raphael chest Dang and our show we'll
Speaker 1: be using our chest Random Sense generator to bring you
Speaker 1: a fully improvised show in three acts. This week's theme originality.
Speaker 1: That makes ideas unique, and that's what we all strive for.
Speaker 1: Originality Day with Us. Act one bloc into the basement
Speaker 1: with the horror movie from the night before playing in
Speaker 1: his head. Sorry, trying to sleep down here, I just
Speaker 1: I forgot my forgot my magazine. It's right under here.
Speaker 1: Are you okay? The movie? The movie, but mylat sight
Speaker 1: really stuck with me. I can't shake it. I should
Speaker 1: never let you watch that. No, it's okay, you can.
Speaker 1: This is a one off. Don't worry. I'm fine, I'll
Speaker 1: be fine. This usually never happens, so you can. You'll
Speaker 1: be fine letting me watch whatever I want in perpetuity.
Speaker 1: Next morning, Johnny, Yes, father, why are you whine in
Speaker 1: India Cereal? Because I'm nervous about Was it Tommy? I'll
Speaker 1: be no, Yes, it was, it was? It wasn't it? Yes,
Speaker 1: it was? It was definitely Tommy. It was badass little
Speaker 1: boy he is, and I'm scared him and my last
Speaker 1: interaction with him really stuck with me. Like a movie.
Speaker 1: Do you know anything about that? I mean, of course
Speaker 1: an example, movies don't really make that sort of an
Speaker 1: impression on me. That would No. No, I think I'm
Speaker 1: free to continue watching and consuming any sort of television
Speaker 1: or a movie that I What are you mumbling about?
Speaker 1: I'm trying, I'm getting No, it's Tommy, definitely Tommy. And
Speaker 1: next day? What you keep me in trouble? What you
Speaker 1: keep I told you it's gonna get me in trouble.
Speaker 1: You keep whining, and now Dad thinks that I'm doing
Speaker 1: something bad to you. Listen, you gotta do me this favor. Yes,
Speaker 1: you just gotta take the heat every once in a while.
Speaker 1: I can't do You want Dad to continue to let
Speaker 1: us watch whatever we want or not. Yes, of course
Speaker 1: I do. What then the sacrifice that you're going to
Speaker 1: have to make is you're going to have to take
Speaker 1: the blame for my outbursts of fear every once in
Speaker 1: a while. Okay, but I can't keep beating dad's as
Speaker 1: every night, all right, Yeah, I mean he kind of
Speaker 1: deserves it a little. Yeah, he deserves that. He comes
Speaker 1: at me, he's small. I mean, come on, you got
Speaker 1: to admit that it feels a little good. Okay, it
Speaker 1: feels good every once in a while, But sometimes I'd
Speaker 1: like to imagine that he was like the dad that
Speaker 1: could protect me from something, not like I gotta protect him. Listen,
Speaker 1: just please just cut out the whining. Okay, next day again,
Speaker 1: feeling real good, feeling real good today, extra good? Really, Yes,
Speaker 1: your brother is getting what was that? You know? Sometimes
Speaker 1: I just feel so good and comfortable and calm that
Speaker 1: it just startles me. It's such a good feeling. He's fine.
Speaker 1: Tommy's okay, tom He's okay, You're okay, because don't make
Speaker 1: me have to go back in there again. The boy
Speaker 1: is getting real good at jiu jitsu. Do you want
Speaker 1: me to to reapply the bomb? Please? Good lord, why
Speaker 1: you even ask sir? I'm looking over your chart here
Speaker 1: and um, a lot of accidents recently. Yeah, I got
Speaker 1: a lot of stairs. Can we move on please? That
Speaker 1: doesn't need more to this is this is Jeffrey. He
Speaker 1: is social work, grew with the state. Yeah, he just
Speaker 1: wants to chat. He just wants to chat with you.
Speaker 1: Is that? Is that? Okay? Would you mind if I yeah,
Speaker 1: I can give you my number and then I'll just
Speaker 1: be a now he would actually like to talk to
Speaker 1: you right now and all right, let's go there. So
Speaker 1: you doing, sir? How are you feeling? I'm feeling bad? Oh?
Speaker 1: What why? Because of the because of yes, the accidents
Speaker 1: down my stairs. We don't have much time. Somebody hurting you?
Speaker 1: Somebody's hurting you? Is it? Is it? A big, strong,
Speaker 1: scary adult? Almost really? Oh? What is the name of
Speaker 1: the adult? Full grown adult? Because because clearly you're six
Speaker 1: ft four, it must take a very strong, big Yes,
Speaker 1: I am too old for this. I can't tell you
Speaker 1: what happened. I cannot explain to you all the years
Speaker 1: of living as has it taken. Sir, you're t Can
Speaker 1: I talk to you for just a second? Just meet
Speaker 1: and you are real quick. Excuse me. If you tell
Speaker 1: what Tommy has been doing to you, you regret it
Speaker 1: for the rest of your days. Don't you ruin this
Speaker 1: US special work. They move forward with his investigation. The
Speaker 1: family found themselves in the court room. All right, so
Speaker 1: all right in the matter of Thomas's father versus a
Speaker 1: very big, strong, scary adult man um, seems that all
Speaker 1: parties aren't present here. Sorry, where where is the defendant?
Speaker 1: I'm not seeing He's in Canada? Really? Yeah? And what's
Speaker 1: his name? His name is Bills, Bills a baby, but
Speaker 1: that his Bills the Baby. It's a stage name. I
Speaker 1: don't have his real name. Well, the carey part of
Speaker 1: please read back to the plaintiffs testimony. Players, Yes, your honor,
Speaker 1: his name is Bells the baby, Bells, the baby, some trembling,
Speaker 1: some trembling, and then he just kind of drifted off
Speaker 1: and just stopped really talking. Thank you very much? All right,
Speaker 1: I don't so please remember that you're under oath, sir. Yes,
Speaker 1: are you making all of this up because you're embarrassed
Speaker 1: of who's really hurting you? I gotta tell you, I
Speaker 1: was not expecting you write off the battle like that. Well,
Speaker 1: the core reporter please right back or I just said
Speaker 1: I guess I just wasn't expecting you to to say that,
Speaker 1: and then you just kind of stopped for a second
Speaker 1: because I just think that you couldn't think of anything
Speaker 1: else to say. Okay, I'm okay, Well you don't watch um.
Speaker 1: I wish you'd all take a nap. Coming up Act,
Speaker 1: But first, some words from our sponsors who make this
Speaker 1: high quality program possible. Stay with us Act two, the
Speaker 1: inter of you. That's welcome this week, specially guest contributor
Speaker 1: Rafaelle chest saying, Rafaelle, welcome, Thank you. Good to have
Speaker 1: you here, like it's good to be here. Have you
Speaker 1: been listening to the show? I am a I have
Speaker 1: been a very avid listener for at least two days. Yes, sure,
Speaker 1: it's been two days. Or has it been like a
Speaker 1: very long time? Oh? You know what actually has been
Speaker 1: a very very long time. It was the first episode.
Speaker 1: Do you ever heard the first episode? I heard? Uh
Speaker 1: was the one where uh with the flying um raccoons.
Speaker 1: Oh you know we actually have that at no episode? Yes? Really? Yeah?
Speaker 1: And he has everything in his kay, let's hear that
Speaker 1: clip now, Fara, look up there, Sarah, look look up there.
Speaker 1: Where to your left, my left? Whoa what what is that?
Speaker 1: What is that? What is it? It is to my laft?
Speaker 1: I'm asking yes, I'm asking you what it is? Yes,
Speaker 1: it's your laugh, Yeah, yes, what is it? What is it?
Speaker 1: Flying something? What do you think it could be that's
Speaker 1: flying up there? You know, I'll tell you what It
Speaker 1: probably ain't Probably ain't pigs. That would make no sense.
Speaker 1: It ain't flying money. You know what I think would
Speaker 1: be good? I think that I well, yeah, if it
Speaker 1: was flying money, but then it's not how would we
Speaker 1: get to it's fine money? How would we get to it?
Speaker 1: We would have to be like what would we do?
Speaker 1: We have to build up down brick wall and then
Speaker 1: put a ladder up next to it and then get
Speaker 1: up to it or fly may fly drone up there.
Speaker 1: Regardless what do you think it is? It ain't money,
Speaker 1: and ain't pigs. Ain't no pigs, and it sure ain't
Speaker 1: no money. It ain't a plane, It ain't trees. If
Speaker 1: it was a plane, that would have been the first
Speaker 1: thing that I said, Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And it's it's very it's pretty easy identified plane, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, Because it has wings and it
Speaker 1: has the lights. You ever look up in the sky
Speaker 1: and you think it's a shooting star, but then you're like,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, that shooting stars blinking and moving at
Speaker 1: a steady rate, very slowly, and you're like, oh, ship,
Speaker 1: that's the plane. Has that ever happened to you? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that it happens to me. I think it might be
Speaker 1: a rackcon is definitely why is that happening? How did
Speaker 1: it happen? It must be a science experiment. I've seen
Speaker 1: it on Netflix. Did yeah, it did so many searching
Speaker 1: in these experiments. All right? Is that this is the
Speaker 1: day we've been waiting for the day that finally we
Speaker 1: will be recognized as the intelligent scientists that we are. Yes, Yes,
Speaker 1: today is the day that we Oh, this kid be
Speaker 1: right the raccoon, Oh, that's it. Raccoons fly, that's it.
Speaker 1: That's it. Yeah, we made raccoons that because he was
Speaker 1: trying to do something really spe what's the scientific benefits
Speaker 1: of knowing whether or not raccoon could fly? Well, my
Speaker 1: dad used to always say, raccoons are the scientists of
Speaker 1: the woods. Your dad said back, yeah, because they go
Speaker 1: investigating in the trash and they got all the fingers
Speaker 1: in it. Very, very smart. So if you can give
Speaker 1: them wings, that's about all they can't do. Your dad's
Speaker 1: not all of this, Yes, and he was the smartest
Speaker 1: man that I knew who never went to college. A
Speaker 1: little deeper and found the audio if the Scientists father
Speaker 1: on the deathbed, Son, Yes, I have two final things
Speaker 1: to say to you. I'm here for both. First thing
Speaker 1: is take care of your sister. She looks up to you. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Second thing is, raccoons are scientists nature because they explore
Speaker 1: the trash cans and they dig into the trash cans
Speaker 1: with their tiny Why are you writing this down? I
Speaker 1: was just telling that's fine, just like oh my hand
Speaker 1: write to get a pan, Okay, okay, because they don't
Speaker 1: need to start over, okay, okay. Raccoons a scientists of
Speaker 1: foot of nature because they dig into the trash because
Speaker 1: they have their little hands and they dig in through
Speaker 1: the trash with their hands and they next page, I'm
Speaker 1: not I'm not even one tenth of the way finished. Son.
Speaker 1: So that was your favorite episode. Yeah, that was a
Speaker 1: pretty good one. That's what we want some awards from
Speaker 1: that one. Living. I'm an actor comedy writer. Before that,
Speaker 1: I used to write for an entertainment news website. It
Speaker 1: was one of those that was also a show, This
Speaker 1: is Entertainment News show and website. And I did that
Speaker 1: for nine years before that, so that was. Yeah, that
Speaker 1: was most of the time that I was on here.
Speaker 1: I moved out to l A and oh seven and
Speaker 1: I started working there eight Wow. Yeah, was that fascinating work?
Speaker 1: Was it fascinating? Uh so? I think most people would
Speaker 1: probably or maybe not most people, but a lot of
Speaker 1: people would consider it fascinating. I was not fascinated by it.
Speaker 1: I don't. But there were some interesting things that happened.
Speaker 1: Like I was there for the day that Michael Jackson died.
Speaker 1: I was, Yeah, that was pretty big day I was there. Well, no,
Speaker 1: I wasn't in the building when Whitney Houston died. That
Speaker 1: was on the weekend. But um, yeah, I mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: some interesting things happened. I have a question about that. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Do they always have to break a story, regardless of
Speaker 1: how trivial it is? Do they always have to put
Speaker 1: the same amount of energy and like the thing? See,
Speaker 1: this is what I mean, like that energy. I think
Speaker 1: they believe it. That's what I mean. When you asked me,
Speaker 1: is it fascinating? I think they really think it's some
Speaker 1: of them really think it's fascinating. But yes, they do
Speaker 1: have to do that because just imagine, like it's so dumb,
Speaker 1: so you you gout you have it's a hearts that
Speaker 1: you gotta sell it hard. We have we actually have
Speaker 1: in our archives awesome audio of the of the story
Speaker 1: pitch meetings from back then. Okay, okay, all right, everybody, Hey,
Speaker 1: gather around. We've got a lot of hot stories that
Speaker 1: I want everybody to give me your hottest story that
Speaker 1: we we've got. I've got what's this right here? Andrew,
Speaker 1: La Ran and Pan have split out. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: Oh my god. They had a terrible disagreement and that
Speaker 1: that was the last strong god, Oh my god, I
Speaker 1: am not okay. I am not okay. After hearing this
Speaker 1: nugget of information about this story. What other stories do
Speaker 1: we have that aren't you even related? We have? We
Speaker 1: have that Beyonce and jay Z grew apart. No, no,
Speaker 1: this kid happy happened, but not now, not here, jazy?
Speaker 1: Why be honest? Why I might have a chest pains?
Speaker 1: Oh god? Why are they growing apart? What's happening to that?
Speaker 1: But I heard that they were having separate friend groups,
Speaker 1: and uh, they just kind of had different life experiences.
Speaker 1: Oh god they Oh god, they weren't gonna go down
Speaker 1: that winning. O. God, this news is so upsetting. I
Speaker 1: might leave my wife. That was crazy. Yeah, things got
Speaker 1: intense in there. Yeah it did. That's too bad. Yeah,
Speaker 1: over some small stuff. You always know that you wanted
Speaker 1: to do this for it? Yeah, pretty much. I knew
Speaker 1: that I wanted to do it. I'm sure. Yeah. What
Speaker 1: would you consider to be your big break? Well, when
Speaker 1: I was when I was about four years old in Chica,
Speaker 1: I'm originally from Chicago. Go we started doing the when
Speaker 1: I say we, like, my brother and I started doing
Speaker 1: commercials there and then I would also do theater there.
Speaker 1: It's like a big theater town. And then um but yeah,
Speaker 1: as far as like as an adult really college humor
Speaker 1: in uh seen joint in college humor in twenty seventeen,
Speaker 1: that was like the thing where I was like, okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: I can make a living at this now. So you
Speaker 1: did commercials when you were a kidding Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: commercial I did. My first commersion was for stovetop stuff.
Speaker 1: And as I opened the door and I say, Denise,
Speaker 1: mom is making stovetop stuff in the night. It was
Speaker 1: a national spot. Uh maybe it was national. I mean
Speaker 1: I was like seven at that time, so I don't
Speaker 1: remember if it was national or not. I just knew
Speaker 1: there was a camera in my face. You want to
Speaker 1: know something that in our archives we have the meeting
Speaker 1: between you and your agents. Yes, when he was first
Speaker 1: interviewing you, right when you were a kid. Okay, I
Speaker 1: don't remember that. We do have it right, So you're
Speaker 1: you're it's gonna be great. You all right? Next we
Speaker 1: have rough fail chest ches. Just dang, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: I didn't even finish writing the last name on this
Speaker 1: piece of paper. And I'm very very sorry. No, that's okay, okay,
Speaker 1: young man? Why why should I a very successful agent?
Speaker 1: Many national commercials under my belt, some local, mostly local,
Speaker 1: some national commercials. I mean, come on, let's let's be honest.
Speaker 1: Things not really popping off like I hope they would
Speaker 1: for me. Um, are you really bad? Now? I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I just sometimes I talk as I talk
Speaker 1: out loud, and I just really am looking for my
Speaker 1: big break. I'm looking for that one shient that's gonna
Speaker 1: finally launch me into the stratosphere. And by into the stratosphere,
Speaker 1: I mean in a position where I can actually pay
Speaker 1: my gas bill this month. Shelley's going to leave if
Speaker 1: they don't. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Rafael. Um
Speaker 1: so oh no, no, no, no, no. This is a
Speaker 1: happy one. This is a happy one. Yeah. Yeah, this
Speaker 1: is a happy one. Okay. So this is for and
Speaker 1: keep in mind, I really need this commission, okay, And
Speaker 1: I'm giving you a break here because I only take
Speaker 1: six commission Okay, Yes, it's standard. This is for stovetop stuffing.
Speaker 1: All right, come on, please, you better, Rafael, throw us
Speaker 1: a smile on that face. Because daddy needs shoes. I'm
Speaker 1: not done listing the people in my family. Who needs shoes.
Speaker 1: My wife needs shoes, My three daughters need shoes, My
Speaker 1: four sons need shoes. The line is hey, momad sorry,
Speaker 1: let me flip over this piece of paper. The line
Speaker 1: is mom made stovetop stuffing. You're excited about the stuffing. Please, Okay,
Speaker 1: here we go and go mom made stovetop stuffing. Tone,
Speaker 1: what's the good God, are you gonna die? Everything's gonna
Speaker 1: be okay for us from now on. Wow. That was
Speaker 1: something that changed his life. That was really sad. That
Speaker 1: was a lot sadder than I remember. I mean, it
Speaker 1: was happy for you, right for him, for all the people.
Speaker 1: How did my heart strings be coming? Everything you wanted
Speaker 1: to talk about? Yeah, I think that's about it. It up. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you very much for being here, of course, especially
Speaker 1: guys contributed. Just saying up three words for my sponsors.
Speaker 1: There was actually it must be five o'clock somewhere. But
Speaker 1: the next pression he is as if he had claimed it.
Speaker 1: I don't know about you, but I am a little
Speaker 1: thirsty about you. You're thirsty. I mean, I know it's early,
Speaker 1: but it's five o'clock somewhere around the round, around the earth.
Speaker 1: It's pretty good. Huh. Patent pending? What patent pending? Patent pending?
Speaker 1: What I just said? Don't you steal that? Wait you
Speaker 1: think you came up with that? I just did right
Speaker 1: now off the top of my head. Maybe I'll put
Speaker 1: it on a T shirt. Maybe I'll hire some country
Speaker 1: singer to sing a song by that title. Maybe he'll
Speaker 1: be joined on stage by or someone like. I don't know,
Speaker 1: I'm just pulling names out of a out of the air.
Speaker 1: Jimmy Buffett, Jimmy Buffett, Solomon. This is something that has
Speaker 1: been around for you. But they have t shirts of it.
Speaker 1: They got they you've never been to a mom's house.
Speaker 1: They got signs, they got posters. You gotta be kidding me. Yes,
Speaker 1: it's a doing. Sometimes they have it with a little
Speaker 1: cat and he's drinking the white. It is pretty cute,
Speaker 1: you know what. I'm pretty thirsty? Are you thirsty? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I know it's pretty early, but live, laugh, love? Am
Speaker 1: I right? Pattent painting? Patent painting, Solomon. Don't you dare
Speaker 1: even think about stupid for me? I'm so sorry. Maybe
Speaker 1: needs shoes. A wife needs shoes, kids need shoes, four
Speaker 1: daughters need shoes. I've trademarked that you gotta buying the
Speaker 1: job because this is not working out. This is already taken. Live, laugh, love,
Speaker 1: It's already taken. When the history of humanity have those
Speaker 1: three words been used in that order? Maybe possibly with
Speaker 1: a comma in between living, laugh and laugh and love?
Speaker 1: Maybe national calligraphy, a cursive or something. I could see
Speaker 1: it in, like framed on a wall. I could see
Speaker 1: that in like a living room. Anybody can see it
Speaker 1: in a living wine because it's already there. It's ain't
Speaker 1: every living room across America? Alright, and I am parched.
Speaker 1: Come on, I'm I'm parched. We don't have to keep okay,
Speaker 1: I'm parched. Yes, it's pretty early here, it's early right now,
Speaker 1: get a little late. Now, well it's still before when
Speaker 1: when people usually consume alcoholic beverages. All right, Yes, well
Speaker 1: you know what I would say, Welcome to Jurassic Park. Oh,
Speaker 1: now you know that's from what are you talking to?
Speaker 1: Know that term during absolutely a movie Jurassic No, I'm
Speaker 1: saying Jurassic Park. That's what I thought you said. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's what I thought you said. Whenever in history has
Speaker 1: anyone ever for any reason, under any circumstances, no matter
Speaker 1: what time of day, no matter whether or not, as
Speaker 1: I didn't, it's early to drink or late, I said,
Speaker 1: welcome to Jurassic Park. Now I could see something like that.
Speaker 1: I'm like on a big screen, that's where it lives,
Speaker 1: where has been for the past thirty years. I could
Speaker 1: see like an old man with a cane where with
Speaker 1: the tip of the cane has a has a piece
Speaker 1: of ambers it's been fossilized and has a has a
Speaker 1: mosquito in it, and he steps out of a jeep
Speaker 1: and and says, that's Sam Needles. He's a bronze source.
Speaker 1: And lord dern, It's like like, what is going on here? Where?
Speaker 1: Every why? Wire there? Dinace hours here and then hit
Speaker 1: uh and uh. The guy from the flight says, she
Speaker 1: did a sort of crazy sort of a bitch did it?
Speaker 1: And then he says, Dr Sadler, Doctor, I can't remember
Speaker 1: which same needle name was, Solomon, what you are like
Speaker 1: a fortune teller for the past, your sports and teller
Speaker 1: in the past or story and you say one time
Speaker 1: when that exact thing that I just described has happened
Speaker 1: nineteen ninety three, let me just I'm just gonna pull
Speaker 1: up a cell phone. Doesn't solve all of this. Look
Speaker 1: at it. Look, look, this is everything that you you're
Speaker 1: actually a genius, Solom. You actually you have not known
Speaker 1: about the existence of these things and the specificity of
Speaker 1: of of the detail that you describe it so accurately
Speaker 1: without being familiar that that is all right? How about
Speaker 1: this one? Oh go boyl boy. You know, I mean,
Speaker 1: I've had a long, long day thinking of things and
Speaker 1: I'm sorry girl, thirsty, thirsty two, just thirsty. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: getting real parched alight. Well like my grant, my dad,
Speaker 1: I always said, um Miller time all right about next
Speaker 1: curse on the doctor Tom the case of literally every
Speaker 1: brand or film that's ever existed versus Solomon Um says
Speaker 1: here that tens of thousands of claims of copyright infringement
Speaker 1: against your start my client, he's never really I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: I didn't I didn't prepare any statements. Jillian, can you
Speaker 1: please take over ya? Let me just first inform you
Speaker 1: about a little deal world. I know what you're saying,
Speaker 1: even remember conversation. Well, a core reporter, please stop typing.
Speaker 1: My client is what you might call a genius, and
Speaker 1: he is a creative genius. He just works on a
Speaker 1: different time frame than others, meaning he works backwards as
Speaker 1: opposed to most geniuses can see the future or do
Speaker 1: new things. He sees the past and repeat the old thing. Wow,
Speaker 1: where you're going. Yes, it's a different kind of creativity.
Speaker 1: Verst is highly unorthodox and I usually never do their sure,
Speaker 1: but that's what I mean. Actors a judge try cases.
Speaker 1: I've never usually don't do that. I don't really don't
Speaker 1: know what I'm doing and what am I supposed to do? Next, Well,
Speaker 1: you know what you're supposed to say, cases man, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that I find for the I guess, I guess curs
Speaker 1: just smashed. Um. Wow, that was you stapping in my chambers.
Speaker 1: Come on, come on, come on, come on this in
Speaker 1: the end and into the judges chambers generally. And I
Speaker 1: gotta tell you really got me out of a jam there.
Speaker 1: You did a great you did. I was worried. I
Speaker 1: was worried. I had no business being in there. I
Speaker 1: had no idea. You are natural. All the all the
Speaker 1: examples of that guy gave of of of things that
Speaker 1: he had claimed to have thought of. Yes, I heard
Speaker 1: all that stuff already. I heard all of it. One summer.
Speaker 1: Are saw Jurassic Park seven times in the theater seven times.
Speaker 1: That's the first one. And I think I might be
Speaker 1: the only person who saw The Lost World Part two
Speaker 1: multiple times in the theater as well. Yeah, it wasn't there, crazy,
Speaker 1: it was an extra in Jurassic Park three. So I've
Speaker 1: seen all these things, is what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1: But you know what, you were able to do what
Speaker 1: you were able to be unbiased even and though you
Speaker 1: had seen all those things before, you were able to
Speaker 1: wipe that out of your mind A good objective judge.
Speaker 1: That's really kind to say, because because you know what,
Speaker 1: you know what my motto is, was it? Nobody better
Speaker 1: lay a finger on my bottom finger? Wow? Yeah, I thought.
Speaker 1: I just now. I think I can make some money
Speaker 1: off that. I think you're gonna need another lawyer for that.
Speaker 1: We're close. That's why I'm gonna pick your lawyer. We're
Speaker 1: friends now. We have fifty eight more minutes of you
Speaker 1: being friends with me. Yes, what do you want to
Speaker 1: do if you're hungry? Wow? Way, grab a snickers? You
Speaker 1: grab let's grab or you know what. There's a place
Speaker 1: do you want to would you like to go grab
Speaker 1: a bite with me? I will, Yeah, I'm looking for
Speaker 1: some entrees. That's gonna toller. I'll tell you what we're
Speaker 1: worried about forty five minutes and then you can order
Speaker 1: whatever you want off of the bottom left hardront of
Speaker 1: the menu, on the front side of the manu okay,
Speaker 1: the mark side and where stuff gets defensive. You know,
Speaker 1: I could just pay for this meal myself. I'm not broke,
Speaker 1: and I couldn't ask you to do that. I couldn't
Speaker 1: ask you to pay for that meal. And every subsequent
Speaker 1: meal in perpetuity for me. And also I couldn't ask
Speaker 1: you to blow me five thousand dollars. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I couldn't ask you to let me reach into your
Speaker 1: back pocket and get your check out and write me
Speaker 1: a check. No, I couldn't asked you to do that.
Speaker 1: And I couldn't ask you. I couldn't ask you to
Speaker 1: let me borrow your car and then just sign over
Speaker 1: the title to you. Couldn't. And then I could go
Speaker 1: go to the go to sell your car, they get
Speaker 1: cash for it, and then I'm gonna take that cash
Speaker 1: and invested some bit cor and even like, I have
Speaker 1: no idea how, it's kind of worse, do you know?
Speaker 1: I don't know ide I agree with all of this.
Speaker 1: I couldn't do that. No, I couldn't. So you're gonna
Speaker 1: do ll stuff for me? Now? I just asked you
Speaker 1: to didn't ask you to do it? Come on, you
Speaker 1: know what, We've been throw a lot together at this
Speaker 1: right and I have thought about this. So when I
Speaker 1: deny you, I don't want you to think that I'm
Speaker 1: just denying you on the spot without having put any
Speaker 1: thought into it. It took a lot of thoughts here
Speaker 1: and I'm heartbroken, but I'm really going to have as
Speaker 1: for you did not ask that, so fifty four minutes
Speaker 1: left especially gets contributed if you had a chest sang
Speaker 1: and producer Andy, I'm your host A and this was
Speaker 1: This American Laughs Next time. This American Laugh with Aristotle
Speaker 1: Attari and Andy Harris can be found wherever you get
Speaker 1: your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate and review. You
Speaker 1: can also find us on Instagram at This American Laugh
Speaker 1: and on Twitter at American Laugh with three H. That's
Speaker 1: American Laugh with three H