1
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:02,520
Speaker 1: Hey, guys, I'm Kaylie Shore, and this is too much

2
00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:18,720
Speaker 1: to say in question, turn it out of you, Okay.

3
00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:25,439
Speaker 1: This week's topic is insecurity, and there's so many different

4
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:30,920
Speaker 1: facets to insecurity. My general like vibe is confident. But

5
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,080
Speaker 1: every once in a while I go through these periods

6
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:36,239
Speaker 1: of life where I am just so frustratingly unsure of myself,

7
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:39,680
Speaker 1: and I kind of hate that feeling of being self

8
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:43,960
Speaker 1: conscious because self of self conscious is not like self

9
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:48,080
Speaker 1: consciousness is not that different from self absorption, and you're

10
00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,000
Speaker 1: just you think everybody's looking at you all the time,

11
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,360
Speaker 1: you know. And I say this at my show sometimes

12
00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:53,880
Speaker 1: when I'm trying to get people to dance, and I'm like,

13
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:56,240
Speaker 1: nobody's looking at you. Nobody cares what you look like

14
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,640
Speaker 1: because they're too busy wearing what they look like. And

15
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:02,600
Speaker 1: that's really true. So it sucks to feel like just

16
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:05,360
Speaker 1: so wrapped up in yourself and thinking everybody hates you,

17
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,080
Speaker 1: and thinking everything you do is wrong, because that in

18
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,040
Speaker 1: and of itself is rather conceited, you know, And so

19
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:15,080
Speaker 1: it's this paradoxical concept. And so I really hate feeling

20
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,720
Speaker 1: that way because it's like it feels more like vanity

21
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:22,440
Speaker 1: to me than confidence. That's confidence is just I'm doing

22
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:24,120
Speaker 1: my own thing. I don't really care what anybody else

23
00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,479
Speaker 1: thinks because they're probably not thinking of me, and if

24
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,160
Speaker 1: they are, and they don't want to give me a

25
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,119
Speaker 1: chance to understand why I'm the way, and then that's

26
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:33,119
Speaker 1: their fault. Cool whatever, by And I love fucking feeling

27
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,920
Speaker 1: like that, and I do a lot of the time

28
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:39,039
Speaker 1: and then sometimes I don't. So I had to overcome

29
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:42,160
Speaker 1: a lot to want to perform um. That doesn't mean

30
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,679
Speaker 1: I didn't love music. I love music, and I loved

31
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:48,680
Speaker 1: writing songs, and I loved playing songs, and I like

32
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,880
Speaker 1: doing YouTube videos and stuff. But live performances I used

33
00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:56,120
Speaker 1: to be a nightmare before them. Like my my it

34
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:59,200
Speaker 1: was like news week all I wouldn't throw up, but

35
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,600
Speaker 1: like my by palm would be sweaty. Eminem had that

36
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:04,840
Speaker 1: part right, but I would get like really like headed,

37
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,240
Speaker 1: and my throat would get really dry and it sound

38
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:09,720
Speaker 1: really bad on stage because I was like just nervous.

39
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:14,040
Speaker 1: And I really really had to overcome that, especially with

40
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,680
Speaker 1: full band stuff like after song Suffragets and playing every

41
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,400
Speaker 1: single Monday. I think we did the math and I've

42
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:22,239
Speaker 1: played like almost two and fifty shows. But after that

43
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:25,600
Speaker 1: we um, like I started that was fine and I

44
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,640
Speaker 1: figured it out and I felt confident just me and

45
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,079
Speaker 1: my guitar. Then when I started playing full band shows,

46
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,600
Speaker 1: that's scary because there's so much more than can go wrong,

47
00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:34,680
Speaker 1: so I would get really nervous about that. But I

48
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:38,520
Speaker 1: don't know if that's necessarily insecurity. It's just like uneasiness

49
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:44,640
Speaker 1: being unsure, but insecurity is is obviously directed inwards and

50
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:49,720
Speaker 1: it does not feel good. I've been going through a

51
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:53,600
Speaker 1: period of life where I'm feeling incredibly insecure and I

52
00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:55,800
Speaker 1: don't like it, and I wish it would stop. It

53
00:02:55,880 --> 00:03:01,320
Speaker 1: has a lot of unintended, uncomfortable concepts like social anxiety

54
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:06,160
Speaker 1: and not coming off as nice and warm and outgoing

55
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:10,000
Speaker 1: and probably making a bad impression because I'm like frozen

56
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:14,200
Speaker 1: and can't say anything. I felt it in high school

57
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:19,880
Speaker 1: when I was getting bullied. I mean, I think, I

58
00:03:19,919 --> 00:03:22,639
Speaker 1: don't know. I never want to be like say bullying

59
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,600
Speaker 1: as like I was bullied as a poor me thing,

60
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:29,320
Speaker 1: because truthfully, I'm sure I participated in bullying as well.

61
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,160
Speaker 1: UM And I've gone back and I've apologized to some people,

62
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,200
Speaker 1: but it's really hard to not get caught up in

63
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,320
Speaker 1: that when you're in high school, and it's to the

64
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:41,360
Speaker 1: point where I guarantee you anybody who's been bullied has

65
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,400
Speaker 1: also participated in some sort of bullying, even if it's

66
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,080
Speaker 1: just standing back and watching stuff happen, which was typically

67
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:50,440
Speaker 1: what I was guilty of, and you just don't know

68
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,920
Speaker 1: because you're a kid, you know. But I was bullied

69
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,520
Speaker 1: to the point where like people told me to like

70
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:59,080
Speaker 1: go kill myself. So that's that's pretty see bullying, I suppose, Um,

71
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,080
Speaker 1: I know. I so we never said that to anybody

72
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:02,960
Speaker 1: at all ever in my entire fucking life, so I

73
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:07,200
Speaker 1: can at least say that, Um, but I would just

74
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,560
Speaker 1: be really paranoid that everybody was paying attention to me,

75
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,920
Speaker 1: and it's because they were. And so that sucks because

76
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,200
Speaker 1: it's not even like false insecurity. It's like, no, you're

77
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,680
Speaker 1: walking into a room and everybody is whispering about you,

78
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:22,400
Speaker 1: like everybody. It was so so messed up. Like my

79
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,680
Speaker 1: sophomore year of high school, over Christmas break, I it's

80
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,719
Speaker 1: actually like really really fucked up. But I went on

81
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,520
Speaker 1: a date with this guy, um who was black, and

82
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,280
Speaker 1: while dates a little generous, but like, let's just use

83
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,640
Speaker 1: that term, and I had a thing I was talking

84
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:42,600
Speaker 1: to whatever, um, and my ex boyfriend was really really mad,

85
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,600
Speaker 1: and there was a thing called form Spring and it

86
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,920
Speaker 1: was an anonymous questions, which is just the perfect thing

87
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,719
Speaker 1: for teenagers to have and use responsibly. Of course they're

88
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:54,120
Speaker 1: going to be kind, because why wouldn't they They're teenagers.

89
00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:56,240
Speaker 1: And then cane behind a screen. You know, it was

90
00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:59,159
Speaker 1: a fucking ship chomp. And then um, there was another

91
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,800
Speaker 1: night that it was it was a tough time, but

92
00:05:01,839 --> 00:05:03,880
Speaker 1: I got drunk and then made out with another guy

93
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,719
Speaker 1: who just so happened to be half black. And I

94
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:13,279
Speaker 1: just I don't really identify as attracted to anything or

95
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:17,320
Speaker 1: anyone other than just like hot people. Um So, I

96
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,800
Speaker 1: just didn't think anything of it because I was like,

97
00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:26,560
Speaker 1: these are hot boys, That's what I care. Obviously, now

98
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,800
Speaker 1: I'm attracted to personality. In high school, I was just

99
00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:32,480
Speaker 1: like hot person, hello, and um so, I just I

100
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,039
Speaker 1: literally did not think anything about that or if it

101
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:38,200
Speaker 1: was weird or whatever, and honestly, it's fucking not. But

102
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,599
Speaker 1: kids suck. And I came back from school like school

103
00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:45,240
Speaker 1: break when all this happened, and um, my ex boyfriend

104
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,360
Speaker 1: and some other girls had like started a rumor that

105
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,560
Speaker 1: I like just basically that something happened with the two

106
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:53,160
Speaker 1: guys and me all at the same time, and it

107
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:56,720
Speaker 1: just like literally didn't happen, Like I didn't even like

108
00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,200
Speaker 1: I was I had never done anything, like I had

109
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,600
Speaker 1: made out with people, and like that was it. And

110
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,080
Speaker 1: so it was like humiliating because it wasn't true. But

111
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,839
Speaker 1: then you know, it was all in form spring and

112
00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:10,800
Speaker 1: people were like accusing me of this stuff and like

113
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,200
Speaker 1: starting these rumors, and I like went back to school

114
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,279
Speaker 1: and people were calling me names and like slut and whatever.

115
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,479
Speaker 1: Someone said I had jungle fever, which is incredibly fucking racist,

116
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:22,600
Speaker 1: um and like really fucked up. And I was like

117
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,600
Speaker 1: so sad about that, and I can only imagine how

118
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:27,520
Speaker 1: like the guys fall and never talked to them about it,

119
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:33,080
Speaker 1: but like that sucks, and yeah, it was like I mean,

120
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,560
Speaker 1: the think about how fucked up that is that like

121
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,440
Speaker 1: I came back to school, was a kid kids, was

122
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,919
Speaker 1: just kids, real black guys. I'm like, Okay, one of

123
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:43,440
Speaker 1: those things is true. The other one is like maybe

124
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,200
Speaker 1: it was just it was really messed up. But so

125
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,560
Speaker 1: my point is like that was insecurity, like that was

126
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,080
Speaker 1: founded because I walked back into school and everybody was

127
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,520
Speaker 1: talking about me and and talking about personal things, and

128
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,520
Speaker 1: it was just so uncomfortable. And so it's really hard

129
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,160
Speaker 1: in that period of my life to not be insecure.

130
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:03,080
Speaker 1: I don't generally feel insecure out of nowhere when no

131
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,760
Speaker 1: one's talking about me. But I'm really intuitive and I

132
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,520
Speaker 1: can tell when things are going on, and I've dealt

133
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:10,880
Speaker 1: with something similarly now as a grown up, which we

134
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:21,200
Speaker 1: will talk about next after the breakup. So that was

135
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,080
Speaker 1: some of the most hurtful stuff I've ever had a

136
00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:25,640
Speaker 1: friend say to me, at least since high school. The

137
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,480
Speaker 1: problem with the situation was it felt like a bunch

138
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,760
Speaker 1: of flailing high schoolers just talking to it and getting

139
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:34,160
Speaker 1: caught up in in something and feeling part of a group.

140
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:38,560
Speaker 1: But the group was formed around somebody else and their business,

141
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,680
Speaker 1: and I'm like, it's kind of embarrassing to make somebody

142
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:45,240
Speaker 1: else that big of a part of your life where

143
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,000
Speaker 1: they are all you talk about, Like how awkward does that?

144
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:50,680
Speaker 1: You know? And so I tried to remind myself of that,

145
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:54,120
Speaker 1: like how sad that is that they didn't have anything

146
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,920
Speaker 1: better to talk about. And I know that's a cliche,

147
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,600
Speaker 1: and that's something your mom would say to you when

148
00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:01,000
Speaker 1: you're crying coming home from school. But it's really true,

149
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,880
Speaker 1: like if if these people have nothing better to do,

150
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,640
Speaker 1: then sit around and talk about other people. One of

151
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,720
Speaker 1: my favorite quotes that I try to remind myself of

152
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,320
Speaker 1: when I get caught up in the drama cycle, which

153
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:14,160
Speaker 1: is small minds talk about people, average minds talk about events,

154
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,240
Speaker 1: and evolved minds talk about ideas, And I try to

155
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,360
Speaker 1: remind myself of that because I'm like, Okay, don't sit

156
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,480
Speaker 1: around and talk about people. It's kind of a boring

157
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:25,120
Speaker 1: thing to talk about, really, like dissecting why somebody's a

158
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,520
Speaker 1: ship back, like oh, you know, or like judging people's

159
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,560
Speaker 1: personal life that has nothing to do and no effect

160
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,280
Speaker 1: on you, or honestly, in this case, discussing somebody else's

161
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,480
Speaker 1: mental illness now that she's to deal with it. And

162
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:41,360
Speaker 1: they were all upset because I was not talking about

163
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,840
Speaker 1: talking to them or leaning on them or relying on them.

164
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:47,239
Speaker 1: And I didn't need to because I have a boyfriend

165
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,960
Speaker 1: and I have Candy who's been through a lot of

166
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,560
Speaker 1: the same things as I have. Um, I have a

167
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,560
Speaker 1: therapist and a psychiatrist, like I don't. I don't really

168
00:08:55,559 --> 00:09:00,440
Speaker 1: need to ask an opinion, um on these things, somebody

169
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,880
Speaker 1: who isn't bipolar or has never been in a relationship.

170
00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:05,520
Speaker 1: And that was kind of the situation. I was like,

171
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:07,960
Speaker 1: I don't want your relationship advice if you've never had

172
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,040
Speaker 1: a boyfriend, you know, like, why would why would I

173
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:14,400
Speaker 1: want that? And the whole thing was just so heinous,

174
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,960
Speaker 1: and but it made me really paranoid that all of

175
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,800
Speaker 1: my other friends were gonna leave. And it was weird

176
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,880
Speaker 1: because I didn't have this built in friend group to

177
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:25,680
Speaker 1: just make plans with and so I just had less

178
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,600
Speaker 1: of a social life. And it in retrospect, don't think

179
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,760
Speaker 1: that was a problem. I actually think that it was

180
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:34,120
Speaker 1: nice to have some space, um and not have so

181
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:37,680
Speaker 1: many people needing things of me all the time. UM.

182
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:41,040
Speaker 1: Because there's a lot of take friendships that don't give

183
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,360
Speaker 1: a lot, you know, um, and there's some that you

184
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,560
Speaker 1: just go through seasons where they need a lot and

185
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,600
Speaker 1: vice versa. And you know, I mean, people are people,

186
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:52,120
Speaker 1: that's how it works. But having um less people rely

187
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,280
Speaker 1: on you when you're in a season of depression never

188
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,400
Speaker 1: hurts and um, but it was hard, and I was

189
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,120
Speaker 1: just like, oh my god, everybody's gonna leave me. I

190
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,200
Speaker 1: have no friends, I sacked blah blah blah. But it's

191
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:06,400
Speaker 1: really just three people UM, And I think, you know,

192
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,720
Speaker 1: quarantine potting was part of that, you know, just seeing

193
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:13,600
Speaker 1: people too much. But it really really affected me and

194
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:18,200
Speaker 1: I'd never ever in my life had a friend UM

195
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,160
Speaker 1: criticized my music career to that level, and it made

196
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:22,800
Speaker 1: me insecure my music for the first time in my

197
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:27,160
Speaker 1: entire life, Like my entire life, Like there's been times

198
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,000
Speaker 1: where I've released something and it hasn't gone the way

199
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,440
Speaker 1: I thought it would, and I'm just like, Okay, bomb

200
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:37,240
Speaker 1: our next thing. And this like just totally like wrecked it.

201
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:39,200
Speaker 1: And I felt like I wasn't able to be present

202
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,840
Speaker 1: in the studio with Butch for the first song. I know,

203
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,360
Speaker 1: I like worked hard and you know, was my best

204
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,680
Speaker 1: self in that way, but I just like I wasn't

205
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,280
Speaker 1: present and I was working with my idol for the

206
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:53,720
Speaker 1: first time. And I also felt like when good things

207
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:56,079
Speaker 1: happened with this song, Amy, I was just like, you're

208
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,320
Speaker 1: shifty person for releasing this. Your shifty person, You're a

209
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,600
Speaker 1: bad friend, You're blah blah blah, and just took all

210
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,360
Speaker 1: the fun out of it for me, even though I

211
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,040
Speaker 1: had fans reaching out being like, Wow, I'm so glad

212
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:05,720
Speaker 1: you wrote the story about this horrible thing that I

213
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,199
Speaker 1: went through and I needed this song and things that

214
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:12,160
Speaker 1: would normally make me feel so good. I was just like,

215
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,760
Speaker 1: I felt awful, and I don't want to give that

216
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,360
Speaker 1: people that kind of power over me. Like that's what

217
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:23,320
Speaker 1: it feels like. It's surrendering power to people who don't

218
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:26,120
Speaker 1: deserve it, and honestly, probably did all of that because

219
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,720
Speaker 1: they want it, because I want power and they want

220
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:32,720
Speaker 1: some sort of control in the relationship. And I think

221
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:36,280
Speaker 1: a friendship that's based on your mutual hate or dislike

222
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,480
Speaker 1: for somebody else is the worst kind of friendship because

223
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,960
Speaker 1: there's nothing genuine there. You sit around and you talk

224
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,840
Speaker 1: about people like I have talked about how I became

225
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,679
Speaker 1: friends with one of my exes exes, and we kind

226
00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:49,200
Speaker 1: of had a conversation where I was like, Okay, like,

227
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,640
Speaker 1: let's let's compare notes, Like let's talk about this with

228
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,080
Speaker 1: somebody who fully understands the complexities of this, and like

229
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:59,480
Speaker 1: kind of help each other through this by recognizing what

230
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,080
Speaker 1: was abuse us and like that we were gaslighting ourselves

231
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,000
Speaker 1: pretending it wasn't and that was really helpful. But I

232
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,880
Speaker 1: was like, if we're gonna keeping friends after this, let's

233
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,800
Speaker 1: make sure that we like each other and we just

234
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,440
Speaker 1: don't want to sit around and talk to about this

235
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,240
Speaker 1: guy because he doesn't deserve any more of our time,

236
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:18,240
Speaker 1: And turns out we do. So that's lovely and so

237
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,319
Speaker 1: I like, I think that's a really good thing to do.

238
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:24,439
Speaker 1: And truthfully, I felt like at these weird parties these

239
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,880
Speaker 1: people were having where they're talking about me, I was like, Okay, fine,

240
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,679
Speaker 1: Like you cannot invite me to the party, but if

241
00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:31,920
Speaker 1: you sit around and talk about I'm still invited to

242
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:43,520
Speaker 1: the party. But just I'm still at the fucking party. Um.

243
00:12:43,559 --> 00:12:46,520
Speaker 1: But it's it's just like lasted. This happened at the

244
00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:49,719
Speaker 1: beginning of the year, and it's just affected me so

245
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:56,120
Speaker 1: much and it's made me unsure of my my music

246
00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,280
Speaker 1: and that feels shitty. Um, it's made me un sure

247
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:04,760
Speaker 1: of my looks. Um. I've like started to criticize myself

248
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,480
Speaker 1: on on that spectrum for the first time in a

249
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:11,160
Speaker 1: long time. And I've been in really, um like really

250
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,600
Speaker 1: steady recovery for my eating disorder and it hasn't necessarily

251
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:18,440
Speaker 1: bled over into weight or eating stuff, but I know

252
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,240
Speaker 1: that it it could really really easily, so I have

253
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:27,000
Speaker 1: to try extra hard to not fall down that path. Um.

254
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,200
Speaker 1: I think the easiest thing that I found is eating

255
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:33,720
Speaker 1: Melano cookies. That's really nice, um, and just reminding myself

256
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,120
Speaker 1: how much I love food and that's like one of

257
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,000
Speaker 1: my favorite things. So if I'm like, okay, I shouldn't eat,

258
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,000
Speaker 1: or like I should you know, blah blah blah, and

259
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,520
Speaker 1: like eat a fucking Melana cookie and then eat five

260
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,480
Speaker 1: and then I'm like okay, And that's actually become a

261
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:52,040
Speaker 1: goping mechanism for me. But it's just sad to let

262
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:59,120
Speaker 1: sad people's opinions of me, and truthfully, my success affect

263
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:02,720
Speaker 1: how I view myself and I'm working on it. I

264
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,000
Speaker 1: feel like I should do a part two of this

265
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,960
Speaker 1: episode because I could talk about it so much more.

266
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:10,000
Speaker 1: But um, you know what makes me like think about

267
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:12,360
Speaker 1: like if Sam should be with somebody else and like

268
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,079
Speaker 1: he doesn't think that. That's fucking crazy that I'm like

269
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:18,800
Speaker 1: thinking that that's there's no reason to think that, But

270
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,920
Speaker 1: it just turns into everything. Like being insecure about one

271
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:28,200
Speaker 1: thing is frankly quite impossible because you're gonna end up

272
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,640
Speaker 1: being secure about insecure about everything by the end of it.

273
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:35,520
Speaker 1: So next episode we'll talk a little bit more about confidence.

274
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:39,200
Speaker 1: But um yeah, if you guys have had any similar experiences, UM,

275
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,880
Speaker 1: feel free to reach out. You guys know that I

276
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,880
Speaker 1: have UM the community app, so you can text me,

277
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,360
Speaker 1: and I love seeing your messages on there. It's probably

278
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,560
Speaker 1: the easiest way to reach me. I do still have

279
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,040
Speaker 1: a lot that I don't get you on there, but

280
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,480
Speaker 1: I'm going to see it easier than Instagram because I

281
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,600
Speaker 1: don't have to wait through dick pics to get it. Um. Yeah, no,

282
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,760
Speaker 1: I'm not fucking kidding. I'm not kidding. One time I

283
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:02,760
Speaker 1: said my snapchat live on the air on series sex

284
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,120
Speaker 1: M when I co hosted a show, and this was

285
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:09,320
Speaker 1: like ten So I didn't know. I just wasn't thinking.

286
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:10,760
Speaker 1: And they're like, oh, what social media do you have?

287
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:12,640
Speaker 1: And they're like Snapchat and I was like sure, and

288
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,480
Speaker 1: then I opened it and I got like forty dick picks.

289
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:18,520
Speaker 1: So um, anyways, this isn't a dick pick free place,

290
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,360
Speaker 1: and I love that and that's the best place to

291
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,680
Speaker 1: reach me. So you can text me at s N

292
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,800
Speaker 1: two six and I will put that in the description,

293
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:27,520
Speaker 1: but thank you guys so much for listening. I'm Kaylie

294
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:32,920
Speaker 1: Shore and this is too much to say. Asking question

295
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,680
Speaker 1: it out you