Speaker 1: Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be
Speaker 1: adding a really special offering onto the back of my
Speaker 1: solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily
Speaker 1: series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while
Speaker 1: outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress
Speaker 1: free life. We dive into a range of topics and
Speaker 1: the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,
Speaker 1: so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter
Speaker 1: how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the
Speaker 1: on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for
Speaker 1: you this year, so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily
Speaker 1: Jay during each of my Friday podcasts. This week, I'm
Speaker 1: sharing an inspiring story that motivates me and hopefully can
Speaker 1: motivate you too. Of course, if you want to listen
Speaker 1: to The Daily Jay every day, you can go subscribe
Speaker 1: to Calm. So go to calm dot com forward slash
Speaker 1: j for forty percent off your membership today. Hey everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to on Purpose, the number one health and
Speaker 1: wellness podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every
Speaker 1: one of you that choose to come back every week
Speaker 1: to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Now. It's been
Speaker 1: an incredible year so far on on purpose. The love
Speaker 1: from this community has been unbelievable. There are tens of
Speaker 1: thousands of reviews across Spotify and Apple and so many
Speaker 1: more wherever you listen to podcasts, whether it's on iHeart
Speaker 1: or anywhere else, and I just want to take a
Speaker 1: moment to say thank you for those They make such
Speaker 1: a difference to the way I feel and the team
Speaker 1: feels creating this content every single week, and they make
Speaker 1: such a difference to new members. If you're a new listener,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for being here. If you've been
Speaker 1: here one hundred times, two hundred times, four hundred and
Speaker 1: sixty one times, I am grateful. If you listen to
Speaker 1: us every day, thank you. Whether you're on your first
Speaker 1: listen or your one hundred listen, I appreciate you. And
Speaker 1: I want to dive into a really interesting topic this week.
Speaker 1: And this topic was actually brought to me by my team.
Speaker 1: One of my team members said to me, Hey, Jay, like,
Speaker 1: I'm really struggling with this. Could you help me? Could
Speaker 1: you do a part on it? Actually that was the request,
Speaker 1: And I love it when something comes so organically on
Speaker 1: these episodes, I'm always trying to start an organic conversation
Speaker 1: or share a conversation that I've been having with a client,
Speaker 1: a friend, a team member, whoever it may be. And
Speaker 1: it was really interesting because this started as one team
Speaker 1: member's request and turned into a team therapy session where
Speaker 1: we were all openly sharing with each other how we
Speaker 1: struggle with this. And so what you're about to hear
Speaker 1: is actually crowdsourced stories experiences challenges with this subject. And
Speaker 1: I hope that as you're listening, not only do you
Speaker 1: feel less alone, I hope that listening to this helps
Speaker 1: you judge yourself less and stops you from making yourself
Speaker 1: feel guilty. And of course, as always, I'm dedicated to
Speaker 1: giving you the steps, the solutions, the strategies, the methods
Speaker 1: so that you can actually break through and move forward.
Speaker 1: Today we're talking about the formidable blocks in our life
Speaker 1: of envy and jealousy. Now, I don't think there's anyone
Speaker 1: in the world who doesn't feel envy or jealousy in
Speaker 1: some way or some capacity, And I know it's hard
Speaker 1: to think that, it's hard to believe that there are
Speaker 1: people out there who don't feel that way. You look
Speaker 1: at someone and you go, well, they must have it all.
Speaker 1: Made you look at someone else and we go, well,
Speaker 1: she has everything, or they have everything. They're good looking,
Speaker 1: they're rich, they're famous, they're successful. Everything must be perfect.
Speaker 1: And what I've learned by being closer and closer to
Speaker 1: that world, by people I meet and that I've come across,
Speaker 1: is that no one feels that way. Everyone is either jealous, envious, insecure,
Speaker 1: or in some way unstable about whatever position or platform
Speaker 1: that they have. One of my friends told me this
Speaker 1: incredible story, and I'm sharing it with you because it
Speaker 1: really puts things into perspective at that sort of a level.
Speaker 1: So he just bought the house of his dreams and
Speaker 1: it was incredible and it was everything he could have
Speaker 1: ever wanted. He was then invited to someone else's birthday
Speaker 1: party and he went to their home. And when he
Speaker 1: went to this person's home, they were showing him around
Speaker 1: the home, and they showed him one piece of art
Speaker 1: in their home and his house costs the same as
Speaker 1: the art on this other person's wall. And he said
Speaker 1: that that made him reflect just on how at every
Speaker 1: stage we can always feel envy, jealousy. So sometimes we think, oh,
Speaker 1: when I get that I won't be jealous anymore when
Speaker 1: I achieved that I won't be envious of anyone. But actually,
Speaker 1: overcoming envy and jealousy has to be its own pursuit
Speaker 1: as we pursue our desires. And this was something I
Speaker 1: learned during my time as a monk, where overcoming jealousy,
Speaker 1: overcoming ego, overcoming envy, these were pursuits in themselves. There
Speaker 1: was no external achievement that was going to take away
Speaker 1: that internal feeling. There was no amount of money, no
Speaker 1: amount of awards, no amount of comfort, no amount of
Speaker 1: first class flights, no amount of even just having the
Speaker 1: happy family and the perfect setup. Even if you didn't
Speaker 1: have these grand ambitions, there was no external point of
Speaker 1: life that would remove and jealousy unless they were removed
Speaker 1: strategically and specifically. And so I want to dive into
Speaker 1: just how normal this is because I think one of
Speaker 1: the things that keeps us blocked is the guilt we
Speaker 1: feel for feeling it. One of the things that keeps
Speaker 1: us stuck is the amount we judge ourselves. Right, we
Speaker 1: all feel achy like we feel upset at ourselves for
Speaker 1: even feeling that way, especially when if it's about a
Speaker 1: family member or a friend or someone in our life.
Speaker 1: I know that we don't like carrying that feeling, and
Speaker 1: I know you know what that feels like. So I
Speaker 1: want us to move past that block by recognizing that
Speaker 1: all of us struggle with this. So studies show that
Speaker 1: seventy nine percent of women and seventy four percent of
Speaker 1: men reported envying someone within the previous year. Now, the
Speaker 1: research goes on to show that we envy less as
Speaker 1: we age, and that makes sense because as we age,
Speaker 1: certain things in our life become more clear, and certain
Speaker 1: things in our life be come more set up to
Speaker 1: a certain degree where we get a more realistic view.
Speaker 1: So younger people were more likely to be envious about
Speaker 1: academic success, social status, romantic relationships, and of course appearance.
Speaker 1: And one of the studies showed that forty percent of
Speaker 1: the people who were researched reported envying the romantic success
Speaker 1: of someone else they knew, compared to less than fifteen
Speaker 1: percent of people that were over fifty. And that makes
Speaker 1: sense because the people over fifty were already in relationships.
Speaker 1: But it's interesting how we do envy less as we age,
Speaker 1: either by getting somewhere or getting something, or either by
Speaker 1: maturing and I want to talk about that active maturing
Speaker 1: rather than just naturally envying less. I think the natural
Speaker 1: process of aging and envy and jealousy decreasing is great.
Speaker 1: It's something we can all look forward to. But I
Speaker 1: think and while we're in this space of managing it
Speaker 1: and figuring it out, it's so important that we learn
Speaker 1: to purify and neutralize these feelings because what envy and
Speaker 1: jealousy do is that they end up blocking our growth,
Speaker 1: and they end up blocking us from celebrating other people's growth. Right,
Speaker 1: They're not useful emotions in that when they are negative
Speaker 1: in our lives, it actually stops us from focusing on
Speaker 1: our growth and our success and the past we want
Speaker 1: to take, and it stops us from celebrating, appreciating, and
Speaker 1: admiring others. One of the studies I looked at from
Speaker 1: American psychologists Daniel J. Dell Priory and Sarah Hill and
Speaker 1: David M. Buss, and this was from a great article
Speaker 1: by Reine Zittelmann. And in that article, it breaks down
Speaker 1: the common things that women and men envy, and that's
Speaker 1: what the psychologists wanted to focus on. So women admitted
Speaker 1: that they found these things they envied more so, they
Speaker 1: envied physical attractiveness, they envied popularity, they envied social ease,
Speaker 1: they envied family relationships, and they envied better clothing. Those
Speaker 1: were generally the things that women envied, and the study
Speaker 1: was focused on looking at the difference in what genders envied,
Speaker 1: and men more frequently admitted that they envied other people's
Speaker 1: romantic success, greater access to financial resources, ownership of status
Speaker 1: item a particular thing, greater academic success, and superior athletic talent.
Speaker 1: So it's really interesting to see how even as men
Speaker 1: and women, we envy and are jealous of different things.
Speaker 1: And that's why sometimes if you're talking to your friend,
Speaker 1: your partner about it, you may find that you find
Speaker 1: different things triggering. But the point is we all find
Speaker 1: something triggering. I think that's what I always like to
Speaker 1: recognize is that we may all have different challenges, but
Speaker 1: we all have the challenge in and of itself. You're
Speaker 1: not alone. You don't need to feel bad or guilty
Speaker 1: or beat yourself up about having this trait. It is
Speaker 1: a human trait, a human experience to have this trait,
Speaker 1: and the majority of us are experiencing it someway or
Speaker 1: the other. And the fact that you're here today because
Speaker 1: you want to break through it and you want to
Speaker 1: overcome it, I think is what we need to take
Speaker 1: confidence in. And I'm always trying to shift your mindset
Speaker 1: away from self judgment to break through because blocks growth.
Speaker 1: Judgment stops you from taking action. Now, it's really interesting
Speaker 1: because a lot of researchers have looked at the difference
Speaker 1: between jealousy and envy, and there's lots of different versions
Speaker 1: of this, and I'll only share what I learned during
Speaker 1: my monk time, which I found to be very useful.
Speaker 1: There's this idea that there is a difference between jealousy
Speaker 1: and envy, and in among teachings, it was shared with
Speaker 1: us that jealousy is passive and envy is active. And
Speaker 1: what I mean by that is jealousy is where you're like,
Speaker 1: I wish I had that. Envy is like they don't
Speaker 1: deserve that, right. There's that slight difference, and it's important
Speaker 1: for us to know which when we're struggling with because
Speaker 1: one is a more extreme version of the other. Envy
Speaker 1: is a more extreme version of jealousy. The idea that
Speaker 1: not only do you want it for yourself, you don't
Speaker 1: think the other person deserves it. That can be a
Speaker 1: really harmful thought and harmful experience to yourself and others,
Speaker 1: because it can push you away from the people you
Speaker 1: deeply love. It can push you away from the people
Speaker 1: that you deeply value, the people that mean so much
Speaker 1: to you, the people that you believe in. Right, it's
Speaker 1: so frustrating having this feeling when you're like, I love
Speaker 1: this person, I want them to win, but I just
Speaker 1: feel a little bit jealous about them. Right, So, what
Speaker 1: I thought I'd do in order to direct and guide
Speaker 1: and give structure to our conversation today is I wanted
Speaker 1: to talk about the different types of how jealousy shows
Speaker 1: up in our lives, because I think it's really important
Speaker 1: to understand the different symptoms of how it shows up
Speaker 1: so we can truly be vigilant. There are three steps
Speaker 1: to making any change in your life. First is awareness,
Speaker 1: the second is addressing it, and the third is amending it.
Speaker 1: We first become aware, then we address, and then we amend.
Speaker 1: And so first we have to become aware of where
Speaker 1: are all the ways and all the places in how
Speaker 1: my jealousy shows up. Now, the fact that you're here
Speaker 1: shows to me that you're already self aware. It's already
Speaker 1: something that you know is blocking you from achieving your
Speaker 1: greatest potential. And that's what I've found about jealousy and
Speaker 1: envy is that they suck out the energy from your
Speaker 1: life and your focus so much because your energy is
Speaker 1: all pointing outward instead of pointing inward and forward. Right,
Speaker 1: that's a choice we get to make in our life.
Speaker 1: Is our energy pointing outward because we're looking outward at
Speaker 1: what everyone else is doing, or are we focused on
Speaker 1: inward and moving forward ourselves. So let's start with awareness.
Speaker 1: There are different types of jealousy, and all I want
Speaker 1: you to do is make a mental note of whether
Speaker 1: there's a tick next to this or a cross next
Speaker 1: to it. Some of you may have a lot of ticks,
Speaker 1: some of you may have a lot of crosses. But
Speaker 1: I want you to refine your awareness, your radar of
Speaker 1: how well you are being aware of this. And again,
Speaker 1: we're going to do this in a safe space, a
Speaker 1: non judgmental environment, because remember we're all struggling with this.
Speaker 1: We all have a difficulty with this, we all have
Speaker 1: a challenge with this. And as I tell you these stories,
Speaker 1: an example some of which my team shared with me
Speaker 1: in confidence, and they knew that I was going to
Speaker 1: share on the podcast without naming names and giving away people.
Speaker 1: I think it's really really important that you get a
Speaker 1: sense of which ones you struggle with. So one of
Speaker 1: the first types of jealousy is when you're going through
Speaker 1: a challenge and other people are not going through that challenge.
Speaker 1: So you're going through something but no one in your
Speaker 1: life is going through that, and you're jealous because their
Speaker 1: life is easier. You're jealous because their life is more
Speaker 1: seamless or appears more seamless. You're jealous because you feel like,
Speaker 1: I wish my life was that easier. I wish my
Speaker 1: life was free of this stress that I'm having to
Speaker 1: go through. How many of you have ever felt that?
Speaker 1: Put your hand up right now, take a screenshot of
Speaker 1: this moment as I walk through this list. This is
Speaker 1: a great conversation started between your friends as well. I
Speaker 1: know I've definitely felt this before. I'm going through something
Speaker 1: I wish I didn't have to go through it, and
Speaker 1: I can see other people are not going through it,
Speaker 1: and I feel jealous of them. So if you're experiencing
Speaker 1: this type of jealousy where you're going through a challenge
Speaker 1: that others are not, and you're wishing you had their life.
Speaker 1: There's a really key technique to improve this mindset, and
Speaker 1: this technique is zoom out. The technique is called zoom out.
Speaker 1: You want to zoom out to look at the bigger picture,
Speaker 1: not the specific thing. For example, if you're looking at
Speaker 1: someone else's life and you're going, I'm going through this
Speaker 1: stress that person is not. I wish it was like
Speaker 1: that for me. You want to zoom out. Let me
Speaker 1: paint a picture for you. Let's say you and your
Speaker 1: friend are both moving home or you're moving country. So
Speaker 1: let's say in that scenario that your stuff gets lost
Speaker 1: and their stuff doesn't. So their stuff arrives on time.
Speaker 1: Your stuff gets lost. You're now stressed out because you're
Speaker 1: dealing with talking to the moving company, you're talking to
Speaker 1: the airline, you're talking to insurance, and you're looking at
Speaker 1: their life and going, well, they've moved in, they're comfortable,
Speaker 1: they're like watching Netflix with their partner, and like they're
Speaker 1: thinking about furniture and all this kind of stuff, and
Speaker 1: your stuff's all lost, and you're jealous of them because
Speaker 1: you're like, I wish that happened to me, why didn't
Speaker 1: it happen to me? In those situations, we have to
Speaker 1: zoom out and look at the bigger picture. There are
Speaker 1: so many moments in our life where our life will
Speaker 1: be easier than others, and there are so many moments
Speaker 1: in other people's lives where their lives will be easier
Speaker 1: than others. And when you judge your life in one
Speaker 1: moment as being better or worse than someone else's, you
Speaker 1: could lose all the time if you focus just on
Speaker 1: that specific thing, because just on that specific thing, your
Speaker 1: stuff is lost. Now. I'm not saying you're not allowed
Speaker 1: to feel stressed. I'm not saying you're not allowed to
Speaker 1: feel upset. I'm just saying that when it comes to
Speaker 1: that other person who has nothing to do with it,
Speaker 1: absolutely nothing to do your situation, it's important to recognize
Speaker 1: that maybe this part went seamless for them, but hey,
Speaker 1: maybe them getting that apartment was really tough. Maybe they
Speaker 1: waited months and months and months to find that apartment,
Speaker 1: or maybe right now they just lost their job, or
Speaker 1: maybe right now they're going through a personal thing, someone
Speaker 1: in their family's going through something. I think it's so
Speaker 1: interesting and easy when we focus on one area where
Speaker 1: like I'm behind, my life's messed up. They're ahead, they're
Speaker 1: doing great. But when you zoom out, it changes the
Speaker 1: complete perspective of what's going on. And this is one
Speaker 1: of the analogies I like to draw is between a movie.
Speaker 1: If you walk in halfway to a movie, you may
Speaker 1: think a character is having the most incredible time. Imagine
Speaker 1: you walked in halfway to Wolf of Walk Street and
Speaker 1: you see him driving the fast car. You see Leonardo DiCaprio.
Speaker 1: Jonah Hill comes up to and goes, how much money
Speaker 1: did you make this year? He's like, I made forty
Speaker 1: nine million, just shy of a million a week. They
Speaker 1: have that interaction. Jonah Hill's like, I'll quit everything, I'll
Speaker 1: work for you. You see him on his yacht. When
Speaker 1: you walk into that moment, everything seems great and you think, wow,
Speaker 1: I'm jealous of him. But then if you really look
Speaker 1: at what happened before, and then you look at what
Speaker 1: happened afterwards, when you zoom out, you get a full
Speaker 1: perspective of someone's actual story and journey. And so I
Speaker 1: want you to zoom out when you're jealous or envious
Speaker 1: if something specific about someone, Know that when you zoom out.
Speaker 1: We all share in our trials and challenges. We all
Speaker 1: have different things going wrong in our life. And Robin
Speaker 1: Roberts once said that if we were all to throw
Speaker 1: our problems into a pile, we'd grab ours right back,
Speaker 1: because when we look at the perspective of the challenges
Speaker 1: others are going through, even if ours is really tough,
Speaker 1: there's a side where we're like, Okay, I can deal
Speaker 1: with this, So I want you to zoom out now.
Speaker 1: The next type of jealousy is when we want something
Speaker 1: that doesn't have. I want that kind of a guy,
Speaker 1: I want that kind of a job, I want that
Speaker 1: kind of a house, I want that kind of an apartment,
Speaker 1: I want that kind of vacation. Right, it's constant. We
Speaker 1: want what other people have. We see what other people have,
Speaker 1: and we go, that's exactly what I wanted. Why don't
Speaker 1: I have it? And maybe if it tips into envy,
Speaker 1: we go they don't deserve it either, they're a bad person. Right.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we feel that way, and it's really interesting because again,
Speaker 1: that's normal. It's normal. It's human nature to look at
Speaker 1: what someone has and think I want it, especially if
Speaker 1: it looks attractive, and especially if We've been conditioned for
Speaker 1: certain things to look attractive, and that's the first thing
Speaker 1: I want you to look at. Is it something that
Speaker 1: you genuinely find attractive because you care? Or do you
Speaker 1: find it attractive because so someone else cares? Have your
Speaker 1: parents always told you people who buy a house are
Speaker 1: set up for life? So now whenever you see someone
Speaker 1: who's bought a house, you think, oh my god, people
Speaker 1: who buy a house is set up for life. And
Speaker 1: that voice is in your head, but you don't actually
Speaker 1: believe that you're really happy in your rented apartment. Right
Speaker 1: Where is that conditioning coming from? Have you had the
Speaker 1: conditioning from your friends that you grew up with that says, oh,
Speaker 1: if you're with this type of a guy or this
Speaker 1: type of a girl, and that's the person who's got
Speaker 1: it all together. Now you're carrying that voice in your head.
Speaker 1: So when you see that you want something that someone
Speaker 1: else has, I want you to ask yourself, is it
Speaker 1: truly something you want? It's that self awareness piece. Is
Speaker 1: this something that I really want to pursue and chase
Speaker 1: or is it something that I'm just attracted to because
Speaker 1: someone's told me to be attracted to it? Somewhere it's
Speaker 1: not really that important to me, but it's become important
Speaker 1: to me because of how I've been a bit and
Speaker 1: conditioned to believe. So in that moment, ask yourself, is
Speaker 1: this something I want? Is this something I want to pursue?
Speaker 1: If the answer is yes, this is something that's important
Speaker 1: to you, and it's not important to you because it
Speaker 1: was important to your mom or dad. It's not important
Speaker 1: to you because it was important to your friend at school.
Speaker 1: It's not important to you because someone took a dig
Speaker 1: at you or you saw something. If it's truly important
Speaker 1: to you, ask yourself how your jealousy can become admiration
Speaker 1: and attraction, and you go, let me study that person.
Speaker 1: How can I do what they did to get there?
Speaker 1: How can I study and learn from them? We turn
Speaker 1: our judgment and our criticism into curiosity, and then we
Speaker 1: ask ourself do I want to do that after we
Speaker 1: study it? So the first question is is that what
Speaker 1: I want? Or is that what society has made me want?
Speaker 1: If it's what I want, let me study what they've
Speaker 1: done and learn about what they've done, understand what they've done,
Speaker 1: and then ask myself if I'm ready to do that.
Speaker 1: This is how you transform through those three questions, you
Speaker 1: transform your jealousy into admiration, appreciation, and attraction. Right, it's
Speaker 1: easy for someone to see Christiano Ronaldo world fare a
Speaker 1: soccer player and think I want that body. I want
Speaker 1: to look like that, and then you study how hard
Speaker 1: he works to look like that, and then you go, no,
Speaker 1: I'm good, I don't want to look like that. Right,
Speaker 1: you can appreciate and admire and respect it without having
Speaker 1: to then think I want it because I don't want
Speaker 1: to do the work. When you've done the added work
Speaker 1: of studying, of learning, of being curious, it's so important
Speaker 1: to transform our jealousy into admiration and attraction. Another technique
Speaker 1: for when you want something that others have is you've
Speaker 1: got to see jealousy as a sign. Right, You've got
Speaker 1: to see jealousy as a sign if you study that person,
Speaker 1: if you figure out it's something that you really want,
Speaker 1: you can focus on building that. If you're fixated on
Speaker 1: what everyone else is doing, you'll never have time to
Speaker 1: invest on yourself. When you sit down right now and
Speaker 1: write down a list of items, if you've clarified that, yes,
Speaker 1: this isn't something influenced by my parents, Yes, it's something
Speaker 1: I want. Yes, I've studied their lives. Okay, what are
Speaker 1: my action items? How am I going to do that?
Speaker 1: What do I need to do in order to get there?
Speaker 1: Who do I need to call? Who do I need
Speaker 1: to know? What do I need to learn? And those
Speaker 1: action items stop you from having your emotional jealousy of
Speaker 1: that person and shift you into giving your focus to
Speaker 1: actually building that for yourself. You can either sit here
Speaker 1: and watch how everyone else is decorating their homes online,
Speaker 1: or you can start decorating yours right now. Right. You
Speaker 1: can either sit on social media and look at how
Speaker 1: everyone else is planning their holiday party, or you can
Speaker 1: plan your holiday party right, whatever it may be for you.
Speaker 1: We can either sit here and fixate on everyone else,
Speaker 1: or we can invest in ourselves. And when we shift
Speaker 1: that energy to invest in ourselves, incredible things can happen.
Speaker 1: So I want you to sit down right now and
Speaker 1: write down those action items that you've been putting off.
Speaker 1: Studies showed that fifty nine percent of people felt sad
Speaker 1: after seeing photos from a party they didn't attend posted
Speaker 1: on social media. At forty five percent, we're unhappy after
Speaker 1: seeing photos from a friend's happy holiday outing, plan your
Speaker 1: own party, plan your own game night this week. Create
Speaker 1: what you feel left out of, Create what you haven't built.
Speaker 1: Another strategy that really helps with this particular type of
Speaker 1: jealousy is something that one of my team members said beautifully.
Speaker 1: Her name's Helena, she's our podcast lead here on Purpose,
Speaker 1: and she said to me she heard something where someone said,
Speaker 1: we're only jealous of people we know less about, and
Speaker 1: we're not jealous of people we know more about. And
Speaker 1: that's really interesting, isn't it. We want what others have
Speaker 1: because we don't really know too much of how they
Speaker 1: got there, how they got that, what work it took,
Speaker 1: what sacrifices, what costic came at. And that's one of
Speaker 1: the bigger challenges with social media. We know very little
Speaker 1: about people on social media, and therefore it's an easy
Speaker 1: way to feel jealous. Josh Noble, who wrote an article
Speaker 1: quoting Kapersky Labs, he found that fifty seven percent of
Speaker 1: people said that after going on social media, they've felt
Speaker 1: that someone they follow has a better life than they do.
Speaker 1: That is a big statement to believe that someone has
Speaker 1: a better life than you do. But when you know
Speaker 1: very little about someone, it's very easy to think that, right,
Speaker 1: if you're only seeing five percent of someone's life, it's
Speaker 1: easy to think that that five percent is their entire
Speaker 1: one hundred percent of life. But when you know ninety
Speaker 1: percent of someone's life, when you're closer to someone, you
Speaker 1: actually have a healthier sense of the balance of the
Speaker 1: different emotions they experience. So the key technique for this
Speaker 1: type of jealousy is to find out more about people
Speaker 1: you know less about and to transform jealousy into admiration
Speaker 1: and attraction. Now, another type of jealousy, or another way
Speaker 1: that it shows up, is being happy that others are
Speaker 1: down right. When someone shares some bad news with you,
Speaker 1: you kind of get a sense of satisfaction from it,
Speaker 1: or you get a sense of appreciation like oh, thank god,
Speaker 1: it's not just me, and it's like this awkward feeling
Speaker 1: of yes, I don't feel alone, but I'm kind of
Speaker 1: happy that they're sad too. Or you make someone else's
Speaker 1: positives a negative. So someone tells you, hey, I just
Speaker 1: got this new job and you're like, yeah, but you
Speaker 1: don't really love the new boss, right, Or they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I got promoted at my work and they're like yeah,
Speaker 1: but you don't really like the people you work with, right,
Speaker 1: so we play down other people's success, or we turn
Speaker 1: their positives into negatives, or at the very least, we're
Speaker 1: happy when that person's struggling, or we get a sense
Speaker 1: of just a sense of positive boost when someone else
Speaker 1: is struggling. And that's a really, really tough feeling to experience,
Speaker 1: even as ourselves. One thing that I want you to
Speaker 1: learn to do in this is learn to empathize with
Speaker 1: other people's pain and learn to celebrate other people's success.
Speaker 1: If you learn to celebrate others people's success, here's what happens.
Speaker 1: People will celebrate your success when it happens, even if
Speaker 1: they don't. When you celebrate someone's success, you are partaking
Speaker 1: in that success. It becomes part of your success story.
Speaker 1: You get to engage with that energy, and the energy
Speaker 1: you need to get out of the state you're in
Speaker 1: right now is the celebration energy. When you feel positive
Speaker 1: for other people's wins, you are now creating a positive
Speaker 1: energy in your life for your win. You feeling positive
Speaker 1: for their win doesn't take away any energy from yours.
Speaker 1: It actually fuels you more. But you feeling negative towards someone,
Speaker 1: whether they win or lose creates more negativity within yourself
Speaker 1: towards your pursuit. See, you are harnessing an energy. Wayne
Speaker 1: Dyer would say, if I squash an orange, the only
Speaker 1: thing that will come out is orange juice. Well, if
Speaker 1: you're squeezed and all you have is negativity, that's what's
Speaker 1: going to come out. So if you're trying to create
Speaker 1: something beautiful but you're holding onto this negative energy, we
Speaker 1: have to understand. We have to talk ourselves out of
Speaker 1: it because that negative energy perpetuates. And ultimately, what all
Speaker 1: of this is is a transformation of thoughts. You're not
Speaker 1: a jealous person. You're not an envious person. You're a
Speaker 1: person with a jealous thought. You have been trained to
Speaker 1: have a jealous thought. Human nature exists in jealous thoughts.
Speaker 1: And whenever we have that jealous thought, we want to
Speaker 1: say to ourselves, this thought is not me. This thought
Speaker 1: is not useful, This thought is not helpful. Let me
Speaker 1: celebrate other people's wins. Let me partake in their success
Speaker 1: and let it be mine. Let me create positivity for
Speaker 1: my pursuit by being positive for other people's pursuits. I
Speaker 1: want you to save this moment of the podcast, and
Speaker 1: I want you to listen to that again and again
Speaker 1: and again. I want you to write it out in
Speaker 1: your own words and repeat it again and again and again.
Speaker 1: And I promise you what will happen is every time
Speaker 1: you have a jealous thought, it will be replaced by
Speaker 1: the thought that we just created together. And this is
Speaker 1: something I did during my monk time. I wrote scripts
Speaker 1: and scripts and scripts of the dialogue I wanted to
Speaker 1: have instead of letting jealousy run rampant in my mind. See,
Speaker 1: we have scripts in our mind that have been developed
Speaker 1: over our whole childhood and adulthood. And we've never edited
Speaker 1: those scripts. We've never rewritten them. We've never looked at
Speaker 1: them and reviewvied them and thrown them in the trash
Speaker 1: because they're not useful, they're not helpful, they didn't get
Speaker 1: us anywhere. This is that moment where we burn those scripts,
Speaker 1: where we rewrite them, where we review them, we edit them,
Speaker 1: we completely, you know, start from a blank slate and
Speaker 1: build again because those scripts, so your script becomes. Celebrating
Speaker 1: others makes me more positive to pursue my goals. Appreciating
Speaker 1: and admiring others helps me study their success and replicate it.
Speaker 1: For myself. Appreciating someone else's win doesn't take away my energy.
Speaker 1: It gives me energy, and putting down or feeling jealous
Speaker 1: to towards someone's success actually takes energy away from mine.
Speaker 1: In my first book, Thing Like a Monk, I came
Speaker 1: up with this idea of the theater of happiness and
Speaker 1: how there are an unlimited number of seats in the
Speaker 1: theater of happiness, and we think that if someone else
Speaker 1: is in the theater of happiness that we lose our seat.
Speaker 1: We think there's a finite number of seats in the
Speaker 1: theater of happiness, but actually it's an infinite theater. The
Speaker 1: theater of happiness is an infinite theater, the type of
Speaker 1: theater that we don't know about because we think if
Speaker 1: we don't have VIP tickets, then we haven't got our seats.
Speaker 1: Everything in the world is finite. There is a finite
Speaker 1: number of VIP tickets, there's a finite number of coach tickets,
Speaker 1: there's a finite number of economy tickets, there's a finite
Speaker 1: number of tickets sold. But the theater of happiness is
Speaker 1: the infinite theater, and the infinite theater is a seat
Speaker 1: where every single person's name in the world is on
Speaker 1: a seat. There's not two people's names on it. There's
Speaker 1: not two numbers. Where you're stuck at the theater where
Speaker 1: you're both like, wait a minute, that's my seat, where's
Speaker 1: your seat? Oh, you try to steal your my seat.
Speaker 1: It doesn't work like that. The next type of jealousy
Speaker 1: is jealous of being left out. Jealous of being left out,
Speaker 1: and I talked about that earlier, where we're sad when
Speaker 1: people don't invite us to their party. Fifty four percent
Speaker 1: of people felt upset when no one liked or commented
Speaker 1: on a photo they posted. We feel rejected and left out,
Speaker 1: and forty two percent were jealous when they saw a
Speaker 1: friend had more likes or comments than they did on
Speaker 1: a status update. Imagine you just announced you got engaged,
Speaker 1: and your engagement post has less than someone else's, right,
Speaker 1: it's and the jealousies. You feel left out, You feel
Speaker 1: like your friends don't love you as much, You feel
Speaker 1: like your friends don't care about you as much. One
Speaker 1: of my team members gave this amazing example. She said
Speaker 1: she went through in her teens. In her teens, two
Speaker 1: of her friends were jealous of each other, and they
Speaker 1: would tell her and she was jealous that they weren't
Speaker 1: jealous of her. Right, Like, it's incredible the tricks our
Speaker 1: mind plays on us. Like your two friends are saying,
Speaker 1: I'm jealous of that friend, and then she's like, I'm
Speaker 1: jealous of that friend, and you're there going I'm jealous
Speaker 1: that neither of you are jealous of me. Right. This
Speaker 1: feeling of being left out, this feeling of being rejected,
Speaker 1: the feeling of being the last to be picked for sports,
Speaker 1: whatever it may have been, that feeling that we're jealous
Speaker 1: that we're not the care one, we're not the one
Speaker 1: who's first picked, we're not the one who's most loved,
Speaker 1: and it shows up in so many ways. And really,
Speaker 1: this jealousy shows us and in a fear. We have
Speaker 1: a fear of being replaced, a fear of being rejected,
Speaker 1: a fear of being left behind, a fear of being judged.
Speaker 1: The question we have to ask ourselves is we have
Speaker 1: to look inward and say, where is that fear coming from?
Speaker 1: Let me address that fear. Am I fearful because I
Speaker 1: was left out when I was younger? Okay? Well? Am
Speaker 1: I also trying to be part of groups that I
Speaker 1: don't want to be a part of Like. I love
Speaker 1: that movie Mean Girls, right, and it shows the perfect
Speaker 1: example of Lindsay Lohan's character who's trying to be a
Speaker 1: part of a group that she doesn't even agree with.
Speaker 1: How many of us are trying to be welcomed or
Speaker 1: fit into a crew of people that we don't really
Speaker 1: want to be a part of. We just want to
Speaker 1: be seen as cool, We want to be seen as respected.
Speaker 1: How many of our inner fears are actually making us
Speaker 1: focus on the wrong thing to be jealous about. What
Speaker 1: if we did find a group in a community that
Speaker 1: is actually aligned with our values, maybe it would naturally work.
Speaker 1: Maybe we wouldn't feel replaced and rejected because we're not
Speaker 1: trying to be part of a group where we don't
Speaker 1: actually belong. Are we trying to force ourselves into a
Speaker 1: group or community or squad that isn't our home? And
Speaker 1: it's so important that we also build a unique relationship
Speaker 1: with people. So often we try to be like someone
Speaker 1: who's close to someone we like. We try to be
Speaker 1: like their closest friend, we try to be like all
Speaker 1: their friends. We change who we are into who we
Speaker 1: think they want us to be. What does that make us?
Speaker 1: It makes us a replaceable friend because we're now like
Speaker 1: every one of their friends. But if you have a
Speaker 1: unique relationship with someone, if you add something unique to
Speaker 1: someone's life. I find that in my world, I see
Speaker 1: myself as everyone's spiritual friend. I want to be their
Speaker 1: friend to help them connect with their deepest voice, their
Speaker 1: deepest essence. That's who I am to you. I want
Speaker 1: to be a friend that reminds you of your greatest self,
Speaker 1: your deepest potential, And that's who I am in my
Speaker 1: life to my friends. I don't need to be the
Speaker 1: friend who's the fun drunk. I don't need to be
Speaker 1: the friend who's the coolest kid. I don't need to
Speaker 1: be the friend who always is doing the best stuff
Speaker 1: or as the best social life. If I tried to
Speaker 1: do all those things, I'd fail at being me and
Speaker 1: I could be replaced because other people can do that.
Speaker 1: What is it that only you can do? I promise
Speaker 1: you there's something. What is it that makes your relationship
Speaker 1: with someone special? What if there was no hierarchy but
Speaker 1: just diversity. What if there was no league table but
Speaker 1: just love? Why is it always about number one, number
Speaker 1: two and like my best friend, my bff, my second
Speaker 1: you know my worst whatever. Why is it always like that?
Speaker 1: Why can't it just be that we're being who we
Speaker 1: are for someone. I really hope that this episode today
Speaker 1: guides you in your journey with jealousy. What I want
Speaker 1: you to take away is that it's a normal feeling.
Speaker 1: It's a hard one to overcome, but it is possible,
Speaker 1: and if you apply some of these techniques that I
Speaker 1: mentioned today, I promise you that you'll start to see
Speaker 1: a benefit in your life. I want to thank you
Speaker 1: so much for listening, and I want to leave you
Speaker 1: with the wise words from one of my team members
Speaker 1: called Annie. She said, we're jealous of the people we
Speaker 1: want to be, and not people who we don't want
Speaker 1: to be. As we zoom out wide in our perspective
Speaker 1: get to know more about the people we know less about,
Speaker 1: it becomes an incredible method to overcome and break through
Speaker 1: jealousy and start using it as a sign and using
Speaker 1: it to be curious and study and rewire the thoughts
Speaker 1: in our minds. Thank you so much for listening. I
Speaker 1: hope you share this episode with someone who needs it,
Speaker 1: Listen to it with your friends, and maybe even jump
Speaker 1: into a conversation about it. I appreciate you so much.
Speaker 1: Leave a review, tag me on Instagram with your biggest takeaways.
Speaker 1: If you haven't heard the Tom Holland episode yet, go
Speaker 1: and listen to it. It is absolutely epic. I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful for all the love that we received for that one,
Speaker 1: and thank you so much for being a listener on purpose.
Speaker 1: I appreciate you deeply, lots of love. Albert Einstein once
Speaker 1: said there are only two ways to live your life.
Speaker 1: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other
Speaker 1: is as though everything is a miracle. You might be
Speaker 1: able to guess where I stand. The next seven minutes
Speaker 1: are about leaning into a state of wonder. I'm Jay Shaddy.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Daily Jay. Let's start off as usual
Speaker 1: with a few centering breaths inhaling and exhaling, expanding the
Speaker 1: chest and relaxing, focusing on this moment and arriving in
Speaker 1: the present. So in the mindfulness world, there's this well
Speaker 1: known Buddhist instructor named Wesniska, or Scoop as he's sometimes
Speaker 1: called now. Scoop isn't your stereotypical meditation teacher. He's also
Speaker 1: a comedian, performer, author and radio commentator and He's constantly
Speaker 1: exploring these massive existential questions like who are we, why
Speaker 1: are we here? And if we're all made out of atoms,
Speaker 1: which are ninety nine point nine nine nine percent empty space,
Speaker 1: then what's holding your clothes on? He specifically has this
Speaker 1: one exercise that I love, and really it's a whole
Speaker 1: approach to life. It's called be here Wow. All you
Speaker 1: have to do is reflect on the simple yet incredible
Speaker 1: facts of life and allow yourself to be amazed. For example,
Speaker 1: without you consciously doing anything, your heart flexes billions of
Speaker 1: times over the course of your life, something blood through
Speaker 1: your body, keeping you alive. And if you laid out
Speaker 1: all your arteries and veins and search connecting them end
Speaker 1: to end, they would stretch all the way around the earth.
Speaker 1: Isn't that absolutely crazy to think about? Scoop calls be
Speaker 1: here Wow a workout for your ore muscle. Basically, you
Speaker 1: make your own jaw drop. In his words, one of
Speaker 1: our finest capacities as human beings is to wonder at
Speaker 1: ourselves and the world, no matter what is going on.
Speaker 1: He's so right, or is one of our great powers.
Speaker 1: When we mindfully direct our attention and curiosity, we can
Speaker 1: positively influence our mood, cultivate gratitude, and maybe push pores
Speaker 1: on some of our striving and searching, or allows us
Speaker 1: to recognize that we are part of something bigger, something
Speaker 1: frankly unbelievable, and when we do so, we become more
Speaker 1: generous toward ourselves and others. As part of his be
Speaker 1: here while practice, Scoop also likes to telescope out literally
Speaker 1: and marvel at the vastness of the cosmos. I mean,
Speaker 1: consider all the insanely improbable, mind boggling events that had
Speaker 1: to happen for you to exist. The Earth forming billions
Speaker 1: of years ago, evolution, opposable thumbs, technology, think about the
Speaker 1: astronomical circumstances that occurred in order to get us here.
Speaker 1: With that perspective, I'm extra happy to be here with
Speaker 1: you today. And the truth is, there's so much delight
Speaker 1: and awe to be found in our day to day existence.
Speaker 1: If we just stop and look around, you might see
Speaker 1: a hummingbird and watch as it flies backward. Or notice
Speaker 1: the tree outside your window. How old is it? What
Speaker 1: is it witnessed? I like to watch videos about space
Speaker 1: exploration and blown away by all the things that had
Speaker 1: to happen for people to land on the moon. Like
Speaker 1: astronomer Carl Sagan said, the nitrogen in our DNA, the
Speaker 1: calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the
Speaker 1: carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors
Speaker 1: of collapsing stars. We are made of star stuff. It's
Speaker 1: astonishing and like be here, wow, teachers. If we consciously
Speaker 1: embrace that astonishment, we can transform each day, each minute,
Speaker 1: each nanosecond of our wondrous lives. With that in mind,
Speaker 1: let's work on building our all muscles as we turn
Speaker 1: to our meditation. First, get comfortable wherever you are, settling
Speaker 1: your body and settling your mind, letting go of any
Speaker 1: urge to analyze or judge, to worry or plan, and
Speaker 1: instead opening yourself up to the beauty of the world.
Speaker 1: Now call to mind any simple yet spectacular fact of life,
Speaker 1: and seriously, it can be anything you choose. Maybe that
Speaker 1: a snail can sleep for up to three years don't
Speaker 1: be jealous, Or that on average, kids ask forty thousand
Speaker 1: questions between the ages of two and five, or that
Speaker 1: you're the only you that ever was and ever will be.
Speaker 1: It could even be the fact that right now your
Speaker 1: breath is sustaining and nourishing you without you even thinking
Speaker 1: about it. Whatever you choose to reflect on, see if
Speaker 1: you can lean into a feeling of wonderment and truly
Speaker 1: be inspired by awe. And now let's open this up
Speaker 1: as you go about your day to day life. How
Speaker 1: often do you experience a sense of wonder How often
Speaker 1: do you look for it? What could you do to
Speaker 1: incorporate the practice of be here wow into your daily routine.
Speaker 1: If this message inspired you, remember that you can always
Speaker 1: bookmark this session so you can return here when you
Speaker 1: need a boost, and make sure to share it with
Speaker 1: someone else who might need it. I can't wait to
Speaker 1: see you again tomorrow. Have a wondrous day.