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Speaker 1: Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. A

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Speaker 1: gag order perhaps now, revoking Trump's bail and sending him

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Speaker 1: to jail, perhaps later. This is the Countdown bulletin podcast

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Speaker 1: coverage of the news that Jack Smith has asked Judge

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Speaker 1: Tanya Chutkin to shut Trump up with a gag order,

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Speaker 1: and with it, there is the tantalizing possibility that Smith

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Speaker 1: also wants the judge to at least threaten Trump with

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Speaker 1: revocation of his bail and the terms of his release,

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Speaker 1: and that could mean jail. This would be the second

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Speaker 1: gag order this week against Trump. Smith himself does not

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Speaker 1: propose a penalty that Trump would face when he breaks it,

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Speaker 1: and of course, if it had gone into immediate effect,

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Speaker 1: Trump would have violated it within an hour, because he

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Speaker 1: repeated exactly the same dangerous threats and attacks and promises

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Speaker 1: of violence and intimidation of witnesses that had caused the

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Speaker 1: Special Council to ask for the gag order in the

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Speaker 1: first place one week ago. Smith leaves the penalty to

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Speaker 1: Judge Chutkin, but he writes, quote, the court should ensure

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Speaker 1: that public statements by the defendant and his agents do

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Speaker 1: not prejudice these criminal proceedings. The defendants repeated inflammatory public

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Speaker 1: statements regarding the District of Columbia, the court, prosecutors, and

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Speaker 1: potential witnesses are substantially likely to materially prejudice the jury,

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Speaker 1: pool create fear among potential jurors, and result in threats

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Speaker 1: or harassment to individuals. He singles out that is strong language,

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Speaker 1: which Smith couches as if to be blunt. It is

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Speaker 1: not strong language. It is quote. The government proposes two

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Speaker 1: narrowly tailored orders that impose modest, permissible restrictions on prejudicial

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Speaker 1: extra judicial conduct unquote. And I get the feeling that

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Speaker 1: what Smith writes modest permissible restrictions he means Chutkin should

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Speaker 1: use modest the way the eighteenth century satirist Jonathan Swift

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Speaker 1: used the word modest in his searing essay A Modest Proposal,

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Speaker 1: in which the modest proposal turns out to be solving

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Speaker 1: child poverty by eating babies. Jack Smith wants Hutkin to

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Speaker 1: bar Trump and his lawyers. There's also a claim that

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Speaker 1: Trump attorney John Laurow has violated a District of Columbia

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Speaker 1: law about pre trial statements from making quote statements regarding

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Speaker 1: the identity, testimony, or credibility of prospective witnesses, and statements

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Speaker 1: about any party, witness, attorney, court personnel, or potential jurors

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Speaker 1: that are disparaging and inflammatory or intimidating unquote. He also

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Speaker 1: wants the judge to reinforce her previous order, demanding that

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Speaker 1: the defense notify her in advance if it tries to

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Speaker 1: do any of potential jurors inside the District of Columbia

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Speaker 1: in hopes of buttressing its argument for a change of venue.

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Speaker 1: And Smith wants all that, as he repeats again and

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Speaker 1: again in the filing, because Trump's threats are an attempt

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Speaker 1: to prejudice, or influence or intimidate the jury pool. There

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Speaker 1: are eighteen separate references to Trump tampering with the jury pool,

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Speaker 1: eighteen in nineteen pages. This is finally the revelation of

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Speaker 1: that Daily extra Judicial Statements filing that was made under

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Speaker 1: Seal a week ago, in which I surmised here as

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Speaker 1: many did elsewhere, was a response to Trump's barrage of

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Speaker 1: incendiary remarks, and just as importantly, a response to Trump's

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Speaker 1: clear belief that he is entitled to threaten mass violence

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Speaker 1: that no law applies to him that no one can

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Speaker 1: stop him. Trump's lawyers asked for this process to be

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Speaker 1: sealed from public view. Smith then filed to have it unsealed,

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Speaker 1: and Judge Chutkin did that Friday afternoon, and then Smith's

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Speaker 1: motion for the gag order followed, and the timing was extraordinary.

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Speaker 1: It was released almost six weeks to the hour since

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Speaker 1: on Friday, August fourth, Trump first broke his legal promise

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Speaker 1: to not threaten or obstruct by posting if you go

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Speaker 1: after me, I'm coming after you. That post was described

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Speaker 1: by Smith in the filing as a quote threatening message,

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Speaker 1: and Smith's motion went on to say Trump quote has

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Speaker 1: made good on his threat. Since the indictment in this case,

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Speaker 1: the defendant has spread disparaging and inflammatory public posts on

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Speaker 1: truth social on a near daily basis regarding the citizens

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Speaker 1: of the District of Columbia, the court, prosecutors, and prospective witnesses.

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Speaker 1: Smith's nineteen page filing goes on to site line by

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Speaker 1: line Trump's threats against the justice system, the judicial system,

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Speaker 1: Judge Chutkin, Judge Chutkin's court, and the citizens of the

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Speaker 1: District of Columbia. Smith's filing reproduces Trump's posts attacking undermining

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Speaker 1: and attempting to intimidate the prosecutors in the case, including

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Speaker 1: knowingly false accusations of misconduct against a junior prosecutor. Smith's

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Speaker 1: filings quote Trump falsely accusing the President of the United

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Speaker 1: States with ordering the indictments. Smith's filing lists Trump's posts

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Speaker 1: bolstering or attacking and attempting to intimidate witnesses, including Mike

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Speaker 1: Pence and the former Attorney General Barr Smith's motion is

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Speaker 1: also filled with redacted names. The big black bar of

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Speaker 1: a fig leaf that is unfortunately no protection for those

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Speaker 1: Trump has threatened. You do not have to be an

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Speaker 1: expert or even an expert at googling to figure out

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Speaker 1: that Smith is acting in defense of the likes of

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Speaker 1: the Georgia election workers and former Georgia Lieutenant Governor Duncan

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Speaker 1: and his own former cybersecurity director Chris Krebs, all of

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Speaker 1: them victims of Trump's intimidation, and the threats and other

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Speaker 1: harassment against them and others is spelled out in chilling detail.

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Speaker 1: The redacted references to Georgia are not I don't think coincidental,

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Speaker 1: because what Smith is accusing of and what Smith is

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Speaker 1: asking the judge to do has bearings on Fannie Willis's

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Speaker 1: prosecution of Trump in Georgia as well. You may recall

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Speaker 1: that the judge's warnings to Trump there about the terms

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Speaker 1: of his release the fact that he has been permitted

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Speaker 1: to remain free on bail are far more explicit in

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Speaker 1: Georgia than what Jack Smith has gotten so far in

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Speaker 1: Florida or Washington. The defendant shall make no direct or

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Speaker 1: indirect threat of any nature against any witness, and yet

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Speaker 1: Smith's document says Trump has threatened witnesses. The above shall include,

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Speaker 1: but are not limited to, posts on social media or

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Speaker 1: reposts of posts made by another individual on social media.

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Speaker 1: Jack Smith's motion not just quote the threats and intimidation

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Speaker 1: in Trump's posts on social media or repost a post

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Speaker 1: made by another individual. It actually includes reproductions of images

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Speaker 1: of ten of the posts. If Judge Chutkin finds against

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Speaker 1: Trump in Washington, Trump could be immediately guilty of having

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Speaker 1: violated his bail in Georgia. Trump, of course replied by

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Speaker 1: calling him quote deranged. Jack Smith again twice online and

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Speaker 1: in person in person at the laughably titled Concerned Women

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Speaker 1: for America Leadership Summit in Washington Friday night. I assume

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Speaker 1: the concerned women in question are Christy Nome and Lauren

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Speaker 1: your tax dollars on the job, Bobert.

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Speaker 2: Deranged Jack Smith, he's the prosecutor. He's a deranged person.

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Speaker 2: Wants to take away my rights under the First Amendment.

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Speaker 2: I want to take away my right of speaking freely

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Speaker 2: and openly. Never forget, our enemies want to stop us

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Speaker 2: because we are the only ones that can stop them.

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Speaker 2: They want to take away more.

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Speaker 1: Even before that latest insane self martyrdom, Trump posted as

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Speaker 1: if Chutkin needed any more evidence, referring to himself in

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Speaker 1: the third person, again mastering sophistry, again explaining that his

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Speaker 1: poll numbers mean he can say anything he wants, again

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Speaker 1: and claiming, quote, I am not allowed to comment. They leak,

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Speaker 1: lie and sue, and they won't allow me to speak.

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Speaker 1: How else would I explain that Jack Smith is deranged? Quote?

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Speaker 1: The answer, of course is he wouldn't. This is not

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Speaker 1: about the First Amendment. This is not even about the

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Speaker 1: most extreme theoretical example of the First Amendment. That cliche

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Speaker 1: about yelling fire in a crowded theater. This is about

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Speaker 1: a man who yells fire in a crowded theater and

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Speaker 1: then goes to every other theater in the country and

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Speaker 1: yells fire again and again, even the one Lauren Bobert

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Speaker 1: is out on a date in This is about a

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Speaker 1: creature who believes himself omnipotent and untouchable. This is about

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Speaker 1: a potential scenario in which, if not in response to

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Speaker 1: this filing by Jack Smith, then in response to some

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Speaker 1: filing by some prosecutor at some point after some high

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Speaker 1: number of these violations. In some of these cases, a

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Speaker 1: case in which a judge has to send federal or

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Speaker 1: state marshals to apprehend Donald Trump and bring him to

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Speaker 1: a jail or prison for detention because he has violated

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Speaker 1: the terms of his bail. He is not going to stop.

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Speaker 1: He does not understand the concept of having to stop.

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Speaker 1: He will have to be forced to. You can insert

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Speaker 1: your his own thoughts about the implications of him resisting arrests.

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Speaker 1: But one thing that Trump and his lawyers, and his

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Speaker 1: apologists and his cultists can never say is that they

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Speaker 1: have not been warned the fact that he's running a

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Speaker 1: political campaign has to yield to the orderly administration of justice.

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Speaker 1: Judge Chutkin told the Trump lawyer Lauro on the eleventh

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Speaker 1: of last month. If that means he can't say exactly

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Speaker 1: what he wants to say about witnesses in this case,

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Speaker 1: that's how it has to be. And yet he has

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Speaker 1: said what he wanted to say about them repeatedly, endlessly, recklessly, dangerously, violently,

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Speaker 1: And his response to this motion was to start the

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Speaker 1: process all over again. From the beginning, quote, even arguably

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Speaker 1: ambiguous statements from parties or their council, if they can

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Speaker 1: be reasonably interpreted to intimidate witnesses or to prejudice potential

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Speaker 1: jury rors, can threaten the jurors. Judge, Chuck Can continued

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Speaker 1: on August eleventh, I will take whatever measures are necessary

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Speaker 1: to safeguard the integrity of these proceedings. Judge, there is

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Speaker 1: nothing ambiguous about Trump's statements. Judge, he is not going

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Speaker 1: to stop. Judge, you are going to have to lock

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Speaker 1: him up. Do it now. Trump's lawyers have until a

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Speaker 1: week from Monday to respond. A note about the rest

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Speaker 1: of this podcast. I mentioned at the beginning that this

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Speaker 1: is the second gag order proposed against Trump since Wednesday.

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Speaker 1: Rather than recapitulate the gag order that Judge Eileen Cannon

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Speaker 1: already issued against Trump in Florida, I'm going to simply

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Speaker 1: replay that segment from that podcast. Thus the rest of

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Speaker 1: this edition is not new material. If you've heard it already,

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Speaker 1: feel free to hit stop, although if I were you,

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Speaker 1: I would stick around just to hear me call Bill

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Speaker 1: Maher a scab scumbag again. Judge Eileen Cannon, you have

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Speaker 1: unsuspected depth. Trump's appointee has stunned Trump World by not

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Speaker 1: only limiting what he can say and when he can

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Speaker 1: say it during his prosecution and trial for stealing our

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Speaker 1: top secret documents, but also for limiting when he and

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Speaker 1: his lawyers can see the war plans and other classified

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Speaker 1: information he stole. This has gotten buried under the McCarthy

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Speaker 1: illegal impeachment inquiry, which is the point of that inquiry.

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Speaker 1: It is a diversion to misdirect the American news media

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Speaker 1: and the public. And as we know all too well,

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Speaker 1: if you spend ninety seconds trying to misdirect the American

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Speaker 1: news media, you will succeed utterly. But Trump has been

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Speaker 1: counting on Eileen Cannon to do his bidding for him,

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Speaker 1: and in this first non timing ruling out of Jack

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Speaker 1: Smith's Florida case against Trump, the judge has given US

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Speaker 1: hope that she may yet turn out to be more

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Speaker 1: than just the former flamenco dancing and yoga correspondent of

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Speaker 1: the Miami El Nuevo Herald newspaper. In short, Cannon's ruling

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Speaker 1: is almost everything Jack Smith asked for. Any evidence marked classified,

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Speaker 1: Trump cannot discuss it publicly. The evidence marked classified that

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Speaker 1: Trump has lied about and said he declassified, Trump cannot

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Speaker 1: discuss that publicly. The evidence marked classified that has become

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Speaker 1: public knowledge without being officially declassified, Trump cannot discuss that publicly. Either.

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Speaker 1: Trump wanted a skiff a sensitive compartmented Information facility SCIF

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Speaker 1: reinstalled at marri Lago, and Cannon not only did not

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Speaker 1: give it to him, she has ignored the request. Looks

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Speaker 1: like when he or his attorneys want access to these documents,

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Speaker 1: they will have to go to an established skiff under

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Speaker 1: the control of a classified information security officer already assigned

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Speaker 1: to the case in Florida. Trump can only look at

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Speaker 1: the secrets he stole inside the skiff. He can only

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Speaker 1: talk to his defense team about the secrets he stole

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Speaker 1: inside the skiff. For the classified audio recordings, Trump cannot

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Speaker 1: have copies. He cannot listen to them. Except on a

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Speaker 1: standalone computer not attached to a network, without Wi Fi,

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Speaker 1: without Internet inside the skiff, and the headphones on which

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Speaker 1: he listens to the audio recordings cannot be wireless. They

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Speaker 1: have to be plugged into the computer. Honest to God,

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Speaker 1: Judge Cannon's order includes every protection against Trump's kleptomania except

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Speaker 1: requiring him to leave a credit card at the desk,

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Speaker 1: and it has a sting in its tail, and that

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Speaker 1: sting is not merely be kind. Please rewind quote. The

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Speaker 1: limitations on disclosure of classified information set forth in this

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Speaker 1: order are binding on defendant and his counsel, and violations

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Speaker 1: may result in criminal and or civil penalties. In short,

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Speaker 1: Trump could go to jail for stealing these documents, and

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Speaker 1: he could also go to jail for stealing them again.

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Speaker 1: And he could also also go to jail for talking

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Speaker 1: about them. And wait, there's more. His Florida co defendant

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Speaker 1: Walt Naude. In this equation the SAP Walt Nauda figured

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Speaker 1: he could serve his Lord and Master Trump yet one

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Speaker 1: more time by gaining his own access to the classified documents,

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Speaker 1: and who knows where they'd wind up. Then Judge Cannon

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Speaker 1: shot that down to with the impeccable logic that since

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Speaker 1: Nauda is charged with obstruction and law dying and not

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Speaker 1: secret stealing quote, the defense may not disclose classified information

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Speaker 1: to him. This is Countdown with Keith Olberman still ahead

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Speaker 1: on Countdown a doubleheader Fridays with Thurber and coming up

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Speaker 1: on a very topical things. I promised not to tell

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Speaker 1: the day I met Bill Maher asshole. Turned out that

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Speaker 1: day was about twenty years earlier than either of us

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Speaker 1: had remembered, and he became an asshole about forty years

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Speaker 1: earlier than most of you understood. First time for the

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Speaker 1: daily roundup of the miss Grants, morons and Dunning Kruger

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Speaker 1: effects specimens who constitute today's worst persons in the world.

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Speaker 1: Spoiler alert, the winner is Bill Maher. But first the

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Speaker 1: bronze to congress Woman Lauren No, this dress fits, I'll

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Speaker 1: make it fit Bobert. You saw the video of her

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Speaker 1: being ejected from a Denver theater for vaping and for

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Speaker 1: singing along and for illegally recording the stage version of Beetlejuice.

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Speaker 1: The thirty six year old grandmother's date was reportedly an

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Speaker 1: Aspen bar owner named Quinn Gallagher, and who cares I mean,

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Speaker 1: who cares. Bobert is a nitwit. The nation is full

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Speaker 1: of knitwits. Her odds of meeting her end because her

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Speaker 1: mouth mysteriously seals shut and traps an unsurvivable amount of

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Speaker 1: hot air in her lungs. They're about two to one

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Speaker 1: in favor k Sarah live and let live. But this

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Speaker 1: tears it. Bobert and the rest of her nihilist Nazi

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Speaker 1: party are still pushing the drag queens and LGBTQ perge

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Speaker 1: stuff and this guy Gallagher, the bar owner. In Jack January,

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Speaker 1: the bar hosted quote a Winter Wonderland burlesque and drag

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Speaker 1: show at the bar of Lauren Bobert's boyfriend, starring Ken Dramatic.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it's one thing to jeopardize the lives of

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Speaker 1: people because of how they behave or dress, or that

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Speaker 1: you don't like them. It's quite another to jeopardize the

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Speaker 1: lives of people because of how they behave, or live

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Speaker 1: or dress when you don't even care and you are

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Speaker 1: just doing it to stir outrage. Watch out for those

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Speaker 1: sealed lips. Bobert the runner up Drew barrymore Well, it

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Speaker 1: was a nice career. In May, the actress and TV

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Speaker 1: talk show host pulled out of her gig as MC

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Speaker 1: of the MTV Movie and TV Awards in solidarity with

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Speaker 1: the writer's strike, and that solidarity lasted a solid three months.

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Speaker 1: She says she's bringing her show back without writers. And

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Speaker 1: if you think, oh, it's a talk show, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to have writers, it just has to have talk.

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Speaker 1: It has writers. Trust me, I've done talk shows. I've

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Speaker 1: hosted talk shows. I've been on talk shows. It's more

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Speaker 1: writers than say Countdown had. Now her writers will be

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Speaker 1: scab writers, and she will also be a scab Drew

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Speaker 1: Scab Barrymore of the Drew Scab Barrymore Show. But our

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Speaker 1: winner is this is a surprise. It's Bill Maher. I

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Speaker 1: have a confession. Now. I don't think I've ever actually

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Speaker 1: said this before. I have been on his HBO show

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Speaker 1: several times, and I had him on my old MSNBC

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Speaker 1: show because the publicity was useful, and they would, by

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Speaker 1: the way, fly guests to Los Angeles first class on

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Speaker 1: their dime, so it was work and a free flight.

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Speaker 1: And to get it all you had to do was

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Speaker 1: sort of pretend you didn't hate Bill Maher. I'm guilty.

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Speaker 1: I pretended I didn't hate Bill Maher in point of fact,

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Speaker 1: as you will hear today, I have hated Bill Maher

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Speaker 1: continuously since the spring of nineteen seventy flipping eight. I

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Speaker 1: went to college with him. For a long time, Mar's

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Speaker 1: show was a good venue to reach a liberal audience

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Speaker 1: until he began to turn into a complete fascist. So

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Speaker 1: I last went on the show the night Trump was inaugurated,

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Speaker 1: and in fact I canceled an appearance scheduled for later

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Speaker 1: in twenty seventeen. So I'm not just now bailing on

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Speaker 1: this useless idiot. I bailed six years ago because mar

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Speaker 1: now has announced that his HBO show is also like

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Speaker 1: Drew Barrymore's returning despite the writer's strike quote, it has

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Speaker 1: been five months and it is time to bring people

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Speaker 1: back to work. The writers have important issues that I

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Speaker 1: empathize with and hope they are addressed to their satisfaction.

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Speaker 1: But they are not the only people with issues, problems,

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Speaker 1: and concerns. Bill says he will quote honor the spirit

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Speaker 1: of the strike by not doing a monologue or other

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Speaker 1: written style pieces. Well as an aside, that's good news

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Speaker 1: because not one of his monologues or other pieces has

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Speaker 1: been funny since about in ten twenty eleven. But listen

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Speaker 1: to this quote. But the heart of the show is

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Speaker 1: an off the cuff panel discussion that aims to cut

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Speaker 1: through the bullshit and predictable partisanship, and that will continue.

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Speaker 1: I've been in these panel discussions. A couple of them were. Okay, Frankly,

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Speaker 1: you know how I feel about Chris Matthews. Chris Matthews

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Speaker 1: did panel discussions better than Bill Maher does. I think

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Speaker 1: it was twenty fifteen when they finally invited me on

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Speaker 1: and I said, all right, I'll come out, I'll take

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Speaker 1: the free flight and I'll do the one on one interview.

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Speaker 1: But these panels, you know what they are. They're just

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Speaker 1: they're bullshit and predictable parts ship and Bill doesn't understand

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Speaker 1: the issues. I'd like to be left out of those.

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Speaker 1: And the producer says, I understand, and you're right, Bill

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Speaker 1: doesn't understand any of it. Doesn't even try anymore. But

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Speaker 1: you kind of have to be on the panel. Went

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Speaker 1: all right, it's still a free flight and a free

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Speaker 1: hotel room. Okay, fine. The panels are terrible. The panel

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Speaker 1: guests are terrible. They're usually c list at best. When

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Speaker 1: I was on the Panels, I was terrible to cut through.

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Speaker 1: To use Bill's word, the bullshit here. What Bill Maher

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Speaker 1: is doing right now is as always putting himself first

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Speaker 1: and then finding some rationalization to do so. This is

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Speaker 1: about saving his boss, Warner Bros. Discovery Chief HBO boss

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Speaker 1: David Zaslab, the one who says HBO is a bad name,

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Speaker 1: so he changed it to Max David's as Lab is

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Speaker 1: the evil villain at the heart of this strike that

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Speaker 1: the studio's forced and the Hollywood media machine, much to

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Speaker 1: his surprise, is drying up and dying, and he is

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Speaker 1: being blamed every day of the week. The writers and

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Speaker 1: the actors have been amazingly solid and courageous except for

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Speaker 1: Drew Barrymore and Bill Maher, and the studios are losing

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Speaker 1: these strikes. So Bill is going to help the studios

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Speaker 1: by being a scab, by siding with the corporations over

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Speaker 1: the writers and the actors who are on a legal

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Speaker 1: and justified strike. Which is especially funny because, as I'll

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Speaker 1: get to in a moment, the day I met Bill Maher,

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Speaker 1: he called me a quote corporate sellout, which is what

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Speaker 1: he is now, a corporate sellout and a scab and

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Speaker 1: a reminder, by the way, particularly to liberals, but to

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Speaker 1: in fact anybody contemplating going on Real Time now or

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Speaker 1: when the writers and actors win the strike. If you

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Speaker 1: go on real Time on HBO, too, will be a scab.

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Speaker 1: This will be a particularly bad look. Democrats and lists

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Speaker 1: will be kept bill. By the way, without writers, the

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Speaker 1: new Scab edition of Real Time with Bill Maher will

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Speaker 1: be about eighty three seconds long, not counting all the

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Speaker 1: time that mar leaves so he can laugh at his

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Speaker 1: own jokes in a desperate attempt to make them seem

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Speaker 1: funny rather than just stupid mar scab two days. Worst

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Speaker 1: person in the world, and he's a scab. Sometime in

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Speaker 1: nineteen eighty five or nineteen eighty six I saw a

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Speaker 1: movie on cable called DC Cab. There was a character,

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Speaker 1: and it clearly the actor portraying him was talented and funny,

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Speaker 1: but for some reason I felt like I knew him

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Speaker 1: from so and I really didn't like him. I remember

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Speaker 1: the feeling was so strong that I stuck around to

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Speaker 1: watch the credits to find out who he was. His

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Speaker 1: name was Bill Maher mah er Well. I had a

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Speaker 1: teacher named Bill Mayer, but his name had a y

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Speaker 1: in it. He was my advisor in high school. Now

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Speaker 1: it wasn't him, but I knew three things. He was talented,

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Speaker 1: I didn't like him, and I knew him from somewhere.

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Speaker 1: This is pre Internet, of course, so no way to

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Speaker 1: find out where I knew him from. Hallowell's annual film

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Speaker 1: Guide would be my best bet. Maybe he'd be in

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Speaker 1: the new one coming out. Checked calendar just eight or

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Speaker 1: nine months from now. Eventually I found out Bill Maher

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Speaker 1: was in the year ahead of mine at Cornell University.

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Speaker 1: He was not at my radio station. He was not

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Speaker 1: in my college. Maybe I knew him from a class somewhere.

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Speaker 1: I could never nail it down. I like to say

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Speaker 1: I have a photographic memory, but it's all polaroids and

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00:26:02,715 --> 00:26:06,235
Speaker 1: I haven't always bothered to label them. Almost everything that

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00:26:06,275 --> 00:26:09,315
Speaker 1: ever happened is stuck inside this big empty head of mine.

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00:26:09,595 --> 00:26:13,235
Speaker 1: But often key details like who, what, when and where

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Speaker 1: are just missing. Never wrote him down, and honestly, in

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Speaker 1: this case, it was not worth the effort. I knew

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Speaker 1: I was was the right word. The word was aware

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Speaker 1: of him when we were both in college. Occasionally, especially

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Speaker 1: after I went from ESPN to MSNBC in nineteen ninety seven.

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Speaker 1: A writer would note the coincidence of university and years

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Speaker 1: and ask me about it, and I would say just

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Speaker 1: that I don't remember if he was in a class

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Speaker 1: with me or I knew him somehow, but I was

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Speaker 1: aware of Bill Maher. And then twenty two years ago,

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Speaker 1: this month, November twenty third, two thousand, I went on

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Speaker 1: his old show, Politically Incorrect, used to be the late

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Speaker 1: night show on ABC. This was when I was doing

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Speaker 1: sports for Fox in LA and it was an all

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Speaker 1: sports episode. Lennox Lewis, the boxer, Mark Cuban, the owner

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00:27:02,595 --> 00:27:05,395
Speaker 1: of the Dallas Mavericks, Todd Zeald the first basement of

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00:27:05,435 --> 00:27:08,795
Speaker 1: the New York Mets, and me from Fox Sports. When

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00:27:08,795 --> 00:27:10,995
Speaker 1: I met Bill Maher before the show, I asked him

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Speaker 1: about Cornell and whether or not we ran into each other.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know anybody there. I didn't see anybody. I

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Speaker 1: didn't go comedy anywhere. I didn't talk to anybody. I

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00:27:17,755 --> 00:27:22,915
Speaker 1: didn't meet you. Okay, excuse me. That settles it. Except

401
00:27:22,995 --> 00:27:25,755
Speaker 1: during the recording of the show, when Mark contradicted me

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00:27:25,835 --> 00:27:29,595
Speaker 1: on some point, I got angry at him, and there

403
00:27:29,635 --> 00:27:32,435
Speaker 1: was no reason to get angry at him, so I

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00:27:32,555 --> 00:27:34,955
Speaker 1: dismissed the anger, and I dismissed the moment, except on

405
00:27:34,995 --> 00:27:38,115
Speaker 1: the way home, I kept thinking, I know him from

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00:27:38,155 --> 00:27:42,915
Speaker 1: school somehow, no matter what he says, and I know

407
00:27:44,115 --> 00:27:49,555
Speaker 1: I didn't like him in school. In the next decade,

408
00:27:49,555 --> 00:27:52,275
Speaker 1: Bill switched to his weekly HBO political show, and I

409
00:27:52,355 --> 00:27:55,275
Speaker 1: went back and turned MSNBC into a political network. And

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00:27:55,315 --> 00:27:58,635
Speaker 1: the Internet happened so that Cornell juxtaposition became easier for

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00:27:58,755 --> 00:28:02,275
Speaker 1: reporters to stumble over, so I would tell them the

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00:28:02,355 --> 00:28:05,355
Speaker 1: same thing. I can't remember the detail, but for twenty

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Speaker 1: nine years now I have been convinced I was aware

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Speaker 1: of Bill Maher at Cornell. Finally came the day March twentieth,

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00:28:13,475 --> 00:28:16,275
Speaker 1: two thousand and nine, when they asked me to go

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Speaker 1: on Real Time and Bill Maher Cornell University seventy eight

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Speaker 1: asked me Cornell University seventy nine something about colleges, and

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Speaker 1: I said, well, as you know, we overlapped at Cornell,

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Speaker 1: and I don't know if we met, but I was

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Speaker 1: aware of you there, and he interrupted and said, no,

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Speaker 1: you weren't, and I just went back and answered his question. Now,

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00:28:36,355 --> 00:28:39,595
Speaker 1: after every episode of his program, mar has or at

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Speaker 1: least had a little party backstage, I mean catered with booze,

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Speaker 1: and with more guests than there are people in the

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Speaker 1: studio audience, and usually a bunch of models having done

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Speaker 1: that show four times, where they will fly you in

427
00:28:53,195 --> 00:28:54,875
Speaker 1: first class and put you up for the weekend in

428
00:28:55,075 --> 00:28:58,315
Speaker 1: LA just to do their show, and there's a party.

429
00:28:59,315 --> 00:29:02,115
Speaker 1: I began to suspect that, like many of the guests,

430
00:29:02,235 --> 00:29:05,275
Speaker 1: Bill Maher does the show just so he can have

431
00:29:05,355 --> 00:29:10,435
Speaker 1: the party. Anyway. Not long after it started, it overcomes

432
00:29:10,475 --> 00:29:13,635
Speaker 1: mar and he's mad at me. And mind you, even

433
00:29:13,675 --> 00:29:16,755
Speaker 1: if his allegation that he is five feet eight is correct,

434
00:29:17,035 --> 00:29:19,155
Speaker 1: I'm just under six ' four, So he's giving up

435
00:29:19,155 --> 00:29:21,675
Speaker 1: a lot of height during an argument, and he starts

436
00:29:21,755 --> 00:29:23,595
Speaker 1: yapping about how I should stop saying I was a

437
00:29:23,635 --> 00:29:25,715
Speaker 1: way heir of him at Cornell, and I'm just trying

438
00:29:25,715 --> 00:29:27,835
Speaker 1: to get publicity off something that never happened. And who

439
00:29:27,875 --> 00:29:31,275
Speaker 1: could remember that kind of crap anyway? And he never

440
00:29:31,275 --> 00:29:33,715
Speaker 1: talked to anybody in four years in college because quote

441
00:29:33,795 --> 00:29:36,155
Speaker 1: except for the Ethica high school students I sold drugs

442
00:29:36,155 --> 00:29:41,795
Speaker 1: to unquote. And I notice he's getting heated, and this

443
00:29:41,955 --> 00:29:45,995
Speaker 1: is just triggering that core belief of mine that I

444
00:29:46,155 --> 00:29:50,355
Speaker 1: was aware of him in college, and I didn't like him,

445
00:29:50,475 --> 00:29:53,755
Speaker 1: And now it becomes clear to me he didn't like

446
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:58,355
Speaker 1: me either. He's getting loud enough and he's swinging his

447
00:29:58,475 --> 00:30:01,155
Speaker 1: arms around now and it looks kind of funny, but

448
00:30:01,195 --> 00:30:04,075
Speaker 1: apparently it happens in the office sometimes. And this is

449
00:30:04,115 --> 00:30:07,475
Speaker 1: when Scott Carter, who was the executive producer whom I

450
00:30:07,515 --> 00:30:10,395
Speaker 1: definitely did know since like nineteen ninety two when he

451
00:30:10,435 --> 00:30:13,515
Speaker 1: worked at Comedy Central with my friend Alan Havy, Scott

452
00:30:13,555 --> 00:30:17,995
Speaker 1: Carter comes over to defuse the situation. Scott was a

453
00:30:18,035 --> 00:30:20,435
Speaker 1: three piece suit kind of guy with a thumbs tuck

454
00:30:20,515 --> 00:30:23,675
Speaker 1: in the vest, who would call a group of men fellows,

455
00:30:24,115 --> 00:30:28,275
Speaker 1: as in say fellows. So Scott comes over and says,

456
00:30:28,595 --> 00:30:33,075
Speaker 1: say fellows with your Cornell alumni reunion here, And of

457
00:30:33,075 --> 00:30:35,915
Speaker 1: course this makes Bill Maher even angrier. Let me ask

458
00:30:35,995 --> 00:30:38,795
Speaker 1: you something. I used to drive down from Hobart to

459
00:30:38,835 --> 00:30:41,715
Speaker 1: see concerts at Cornell to say, I think Cornell was

460
00:30:41,755 --> 00:30:45,075
Speaker 1: the leading concert school in the nation back in our day.

461
00:30:46,235 --> 00:30:48,435
Speaker 1: And now Scott starts the list who he saw in

462
00:30:48,515 --> 00:30:52,075
Speaker 1: concert at Cornell. Robert Palmer and the famous Grateful Dead

463
00:30:52,155 --> 00:30:55,595
Speaker 1: concert at Cornell at Barton Hall. He was there and

464
00:30:55,635 --> 00:30:58,315
Speaker 1: I say, I went to Springsteen, and Mar mumbles something

465
00:30:58,315 --> 00:31:01,475
Speaker 1: about Loggins and Messina, and I know what Carter's doing here.

466
00:31:01,515 --> 00:31:04,275
Speaker 1: He's diffusing. And we do a couple of rounds of

467
00:31:04,475 --> 00:31:07,115
Speaker 1: who you saw which Cornell concert, and finally I say,

468
00:31:07,195 --> 00:31:10,875
Speaker 1: I can top both of you comic geniuses. I saw

469
00:31:11,275 --> 00:31:16,515
Speaker 1: Robert Kleine in concert at Cornell. Now it is criminal,

470
00:31:17,315 --> 00:31:19,955
Speaker 1: but there's an excellent chance you may not know who

471
00:31:20,035 --> 00:31:25,315
Speaker 1: Robert Kline is, suffice to say, as prominent a comedian

472
00:31:25,355 --> 00:31:28,355
Speaker 1: in the sixties, seventies eighties as George Carlin or Richard

473
00:31:28,435 --> 00:31:33,635
Speaker 1: pryor HBO. Itself was built on annual George Carlin concerts

474
00:31:33,715 --> 00:31:38,355
Speaker 1: and annual Robert Klein concerts and everybody else. And Robert

475
00:31:38,395 --> 00:31:41,555
Speaker 1: Kline wasn't quite as deep or eternal as George Carlin,

476
00:31:41,635 --> 00:31:44,755
Speaker 1: but he was really on the money during Watergate and

477
00:31:44,835 --> 00:31:48,075
Speaker 1: during Reagan. So I say, I saw Robert Klein in

478
00:31:48,155 --> 00:31:52,115
Speaker 1: concert at Cornell, and Mar looks at me funny and

479
00:31:52,195 --> 00:31:56,715
Speaker 1: not angrily, and says quietly, I was at that too.

480
00:31:57,635 --> 00:32:00,835
Speaker 1: I saw Robert Klein too, And I don't really register

481
00:32:00,955 --> 00:32:04,355
Speaker 1: that Mar's mood has now utterly changed. He's not angry,

482
00:32:04,835 --> 00:32:08,155
Speaker 1: he's confused. Well, I say, I can still top you,

483
00:32:08,195 --> 00:32:12,675
Speaker 1: because after that concert I interviewed Robert Klein. Now Bill

484
00:32:12,715 --> 00:32:16,115
Speaker 1: Maher starts to squint, and he looks at me, and

485
00:32:16,155 --> 00:32:18,515
Speaker 1: he looks at Scott Carter, and he looks back at me,

486
00:32:18,595 --> 00:32:26,795
Speaker 1: and he says, wait, I interviewed Kleine after that concert too.

487
00:32:26,875 --> 00:32:29,395
Speaker 1: And I'm smiling through all this and smiling and smiling

488
00:32:29,435 --> 00:32:33,035
Speaker 1: and smiling, and then suddenly, simultaneously it hits Bill Maher

489
00:32:33,035 --> 00:32:35,195
Speaker 1: and me at the same moment, in the same fullness

490
00:32:35,195 --> 00:32:37,995
Speaker 1: of detail, and I stop smiling, and I shout at

491
00:32:37,995 --> 00:32:42,275
Speaker 1: Bill Maher, you and he pulls his arms in towards

492
00:32:42,355 --> 00:32:44,995
Speaker 1: his stomach and kind of bends forward at the waist

493
00:32:44,995 --> 00:32:47,075
Speaker 1: and covers his face with his hands, and he says,

494
00:32:47,195 --> 00:32:49,995
Speaker 1: oh God, I'm so sorry, Jesus, it can't be. I'm sorry,

495
00:32:50,035 --> 00:32:54,675
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. And while the anger wells up inside me

496
00:32:54,755 --> 00:32:57,595
Speaker 1: so powerfully, I can almost see it in my own eyeballs.

497
00:32:58,515 --> 00:33:03,915
Speaker 1: Bill Maher's concert going producer Scott Carter is really confused. Say, fellows,

498
00:33:04,275 --> 00:33:07,235
Speaker 1: did I miss something? Did I have a brief stroke

499
00:33:07,355 --> 00:33:12,275
Speaker 1: or episode? And I say, Bill, and I just remember

500
00:33:12,315 --> 00:33:15,875
Speaker 1: it how I happened to be aware of him in

501
00:33:15,995 --> 00:33:19,715
Speaker 1: school and Mar still has got his hands over his

502
00:33:19,795 --> 00:33:22,795
Speaker 1: face and people are looking at us, and Bill is

503
00:33:22,835 --> 00:33:26,035
Speaker 1: shouting apologies, and I say, you want to tell him?

504
00:33:26,315 --> 00:33:29,555
Speaker 1: Or should I? And mar just shakes his body no

505
00:33:29,715 --> 00:33:32,395
Speaker 1: and mumbles, oh God, you do it. I can't, I can't,

506
00:33:32,435 --> 00:33:36,315
Speaker 1: I can't, And it all came back to me. For years,

507
00:33:37,195 --> 00:33:39,995
Speaker 1: I would tell people the story of the Robert Klein

508
00:33:40,195 --> 00:33:44,675
Speaker 1: concert at Cornell University in nineteen seventy eight. Our radio

509
00:33:44,715 --> 00:33:48,235
Speaker 1: station co sponsored his appearance along with the Cornell Concert Commission,

510
00:33:48,435 --> 00:33:51,995
Speaker 1: and in the contract we specified that a couple of

511
00:33:52,075 --> 00:33:54,555
Speaker 1: us real comedy nerds at the radio station would get

512
00:33:54,595 --> 00:33:57,795
Speaker 1: to go backstage afterwards and tape a brief ten or

513
00:33:57,875 --> 00:34:01,515
Speaker 1: fifteen minute interview with Robert Klein. Basically, we paid him

514
00:34:01,955 --> 00:34:04,595
Speaker 1: not much, but we paid him to do an interview.

515
00:34:05,595 --> 00:34:08,555
Speaker 1: And when my pal Andy Grossman and I get backstage

516
00:34:08,795 --> 00:34:10,595
Speaker 1: to talk to Robert Klein, and we have our two

517
00:34:10,635 --> 00:34:13,515
Speaker 1: microphones and two mike stands and three tape recorders, there

518
00:34:13,595 --> 00:34:18,475
Speaker 1: is this guy, this short guy, and he's yelling at

519
00:34:18,515 --> 00:34:21,355
Speaker 1: the chief of the Corneill Concert Commission, and he's yelling

520
00:34:21,435 --> 00:34:23,995
Speaker 1: at Robert Clein's manager, and he's demanding that he should

521
00:34:23,995 --> 00:34:26,435
Speaker 1: get to interview Robert Clin because like Klein, this kid

522
00:34:26,475 --> 00:34:28,995
Speaker 1: says he is a stand up comedian and he publishes

523
00:34:29,035 --> 00:34:31,235
Speaker 1: the Corneill Humor magazine. And he points at me and

524
00:34:31,275 --> 00:34:34,955
Speaker 1: he says he should get priority over these quote corporate

525
00:34:35,195 --> 00:34:42,315
Speaker 1: sellouts from the Cornell radio station. I hated him on site.

526
00:34:44,755 --> 00:34:47,635
Speaker 1: Oh wait, I say to him in nineteen seventy eight.

527
00:34:47,675 --> 00:34:50,035
Speaker 1: And he's small and he's got dirty streaming hair and

528
00:34:50,075 --> 00:34:53,475
Speaker 1: he's loud, and I say, you are the publisher of

529
00:34:53,515 --> 00:34:57,395
Speaker 1: the Cornell humor magazine, the Cornell Widow. And he snorts

530
00:34:57,435 --> 00:35:00,635
Speaker 1: and says I would get caught dead publishing that corporate sellout,

531
00:35:00,675 --> 00:35:04,555
Speaker 1: Cornell Widow. And so I say, oh so, then that

532
00:35:04,675 --> 00:35:07,715
Speaker 1: it means you're the publisher of the Cornell Alternative humor magazine,

533
00:35:07,755 --> 00:35:10,995
Speaker 1: the Not So Big Red or whatever it is they

534
00:35:10,995 --> 00:35:13,795
Speaker 1: call it. He says, no way, they are corporate sellouts.

535
00:35:13,875 --> 00:35:17,115
Speaker 1: I publish this, and he pulls out a stack of

536
00:35:17,195 --> 00:35:21,395
Speaker 1: mimeographed pages stapled together and there's like a drawing on

537
00:35:21,435 --> 00:35:25,195
Speaker 1: the front of a naked girl and handwritten it says

538
00:35:25,315 --> 00:35:30,115
Speaker 1: it's his comedy magazine. And I look at Robert Klein's

539
00:35:30,115 --> 00:35:34,155
Speaker 1: manager and I say so it's ten o'clock and if

540
00:35:34,195 --> 00:35:36,875
Speaker 1: you leave now while this idiot is screwing this up,

541
00:35:36,915 --> 00:35:40,195
Speaker 1: the limo can still get mister Klein to Elaine's in

542
00:35:40,275 --> 00:35:43,115
Speaker 1: the city before it closes, right, And the manager is

543
00:35:43,195 --> 00:35:47,195
Speaker 1: wildly impressed, you know of Elaine's. And I said yes,

544
00:35:48,035 --> 00:35:50,675
Speaker 1: and I felt like an adult. And I also said,

545
00:35:50,915 --> 00:35:53,035
Speaker 1: if we give this guy five minutes of our time

546
00:35:53,115 --> 00:35:55,075
Speaker 1: right now while we're setting up our tape recorders, can

547
00:35:55,155 --> 00:35:57,435
Speaker 1: we still have ten minutes with mister Klein. And the

548
00:35:57,475 --> 00:35:59,995
Speaker 1: manager says, good plan. I like the way you think,

549
00:36:00,275 --> 00:36:02,115
Speaker 1: and he points to the kid and gestures for him

550
00:36:02,115 --> 00:36:05,275
Speaker 1: to come along. No, the kid shouts, I want half

551
00:36:05,315 --> 00:36:09,955
Speaker 1: an hour. These corporate sellouts deserve nothing. And now I'm

552
00:36:09,955 --> 00:36:15,115
Speaker 1: getting angry. I say, buddy, so far all the corporations

553
00:36:15,155 --> 00:36:18,955
Speaker 1: in the world have paid me about one hundred bucks.

554
00:36:19,675 --> 00:36:22,275
Speaker 1: So I threaten him. Now, mind you, I believe this

555
00:36:22,315 --> 00:36:24,635
Speaker 1: is literally true. Since nineteen sixty seven, when I was

556
00:36:24,635 --> 00:36:28,675
Speaker 1: eight years old, I have started two fistfights two in

557
00:36:28,755 --> 00:36:32,155
Speaker 1: fifty five years. I am a man of peace. I

558
00:36:32,235 --> 00:36:36,755
Speaker 1: am loud, but I am a man of peace. But

559
00:36:36,875 --> 00:36:42,075
Speaker 1: I say to this guy, you now have two choices. Kid,

560
00:36:42,595 --> 00:36:45,515
Speaker 1: five minutes with Robert Klein or I hit you in

561
00:36:45,595 --> 00:36:49,595
Speaker 1: the face, and he runs to where client's manager is

562
00:36:49,635 --> 00:36:53,235
Speaker 1: still gesturing towards him, and he screams corporate sell out,

563
00:36:53,475 --> 00:36:56,115
Speaker 1: and he disappears to do his interview, and behind him

564
00:36:56,115 --> 00:37:00,475
Speaker 1: he leaves his little homemade mimeograph ten or twelve page

565
00:37:00,555 --> 00:37:03,035
Speaker 1: humor publication, and I pick it up, and I read

566
00:37:03,075 --> 00:37:07,475
Speaker 1: it and register it and dismiss it before I leave

567
00:37:07,515 --> 00:37:10,475
Speaker 1: the building. And if I had only remembered what it

568
00:37:10,555 --> 00:37:13,155
Speaker 1: said on the cover, all the years of mystery and

569
00:37:13,195 --> 00:37:15,035
Speaker 1: I was aware of him, and all that would never

570
00:37:15,075 --> 00:37:19,195
Speaker 1: have happened, because the cover of the magazine read Bill

571
00:37:19,355 --> 00:37:25,835
Speaker 1: Mahr's Comedy Magazine by Bill Maher. And now back in

572
00:37:27,115 --> 00:37:30,475
Speaker 1: well technically this is correct, back in real time, at

573
00:37:30,475 --> 00:37:32,795
Speaker 1: the party in the Hollywood studio in two thousand and nine,

574
00:37:32,795 --> 00:37:35,795
Speaker 1: the producer Scott Carter says nothing, and Bill Maher is

575
00:37:35,795 --> 00:37:39,555
Speaker 1: still doubled over in shame, and I say, are you

576
00:37:39,875 --> 00:37:43,595
Speaker 1: satisfied that I was aware of you? And he mumbles yes,

577
00:37:44,475 --> 00:37:48,275
Speaker 1: And I say, will you ever question my memory again?

578
00:37:49,075 --> 00:37:52,555
Speaker 1: And he mumbles no. And he says, if I need

579
00:37:52,595 --> 00:37:55,635
Speaker 1: him to do my show or a charity benefit or something,

580
00:37:55,715 --> 00:37:58,715
Speaker 1: just call and he says he's ashamed, and he offers

581
00:37:58,755 --> 00:38:00,635
Speaker 1: me his hand to shake, and we shake, and finally

582
00:38:00,715 --> 00:38:03,155
Speaker 1: I say, and by the way, Bill Maher, if Bill

583
00:38:03,195 --> 00:38:07,075
Speaker 1: Maher's comedy magazine, by Bill, are you a corporate sellout?

584
00:38:07,795 --> 00:38:13,395
Speaker 1: And he says kind And that's how I was aware

585
00:38:13,555 --> 00:38:28,475
Speaker 1: of Bill Maher in college. I have argued before that

586
00:38:28,595 --> 00:38:31,675
Speaker 1: James Thurber is the greatest American humorist. And it dawns

587
00:38:31,715 --> 00:38:34,435
Speaker 1: on me that the argument is not unlike the idea

588
00:38:34,515 --> 00:38:38,395
Speaker 1: that Shohei Otani of the Los Angeles Angels is almost

589
00:38:38,475 --> 00:38:41,715
Speaker 1: automatically the most valuable player in baseball each year because

590
00:38:41,715 --> 00:38:44,315
Speaker 1: he is an All Star hitter and an All Star

591
00:38:44,435 --> 00:38:48,755
Speaker 1: pitcher in the same body. James Thurber was a brilliant writer,

592
00:38:49,115 --> 00:38:51,555
Speaker 1: and in his spare time, he was an equally brilliant,

593
00:38:51,595 --> 00:38:56,235
Speaker 1: almost avant garde artist in the same body. His simple

594
00:38:56,395 --> 00:39:00,195
Speaker 1: drawings to pick the most complex of emotions and comedic situations.

595
00:39:00,475 --> 00:39:04,235
Speaker 1: His dogs are immortal. And then there were his captions. Well,

596
00:39:04,275 --> 00:39:06,755
Speaker 1: I can't do anything with his drawings in a podcast,

597
00:39:06,755 --> 00:39:09,675
Speaker 1: so I'll just read and I will read you now

598
00:39:09,675 --> 00:39:12,875
Speaker 1: in this episode, what is probably his most famous story

599
00:39:13,955 --> 00:39:17,595
Speaker 1: from my life in hard times, The night the bed

600
00:39:17,675 --> 00:39:25,035
Speaker 1: fell James Thurber I suppose that the high water mark

601
00:39:25,235 --> 00:39:28,635
Speaker 1: of my youth in Columbus, Ohio was the night the

602
00:39:28,635 --> 00:39:33,275
Speaker 1: bed fell on my father. It makes a better recitation unless,

603
00:39:33,435 --> 00:39:35,475
Speaker 1: as some friends of mine have said, one has heard

604
00:39:35,475 --> 00:39:37,675
Speaker 1: it five or six times, than it does a piece

605
00:39:37,675 --> 00:39:41,715
Speaker 1: of writing, For it is almost necessary to throw furniture around,

606
00:39:41,955 --> 00:39:45,235
Speaker 1: shake doors, and bark like a dog to lend the

607
00:39:45,275 --> 00:39:50,355
Speaker 1: proper atmosphere and verisimilitude to what is admittedly a somewhat

608
00:39:50,395 --> 00:39:56,395
Speaker 1: incredible tale. Still it did take place. It happened then

609
00:39:56,435 --> 00:39:58,915
Speaker 1: that my father had decided to sleep in the attic

610
00:39:58,955 --> 00:40:02,595
Speaker 1: one night, to be away where he could think. My

611
00:40:02,715 --> 00:40:05,715
Speaker 1: mother opposed the notion strongly, because she said the old

612
00:40:05,795 --> 00:40:09,155
Speaker 1: wooden bed up there was unsafe, It was wobbly, and

613
00:40:09,195 --> 00:40:11,835
Speaker 1: the heavy headboard would crash down on father's head in

614
00:40:11,875 --> 00:40:16,155
Speaker 1: case the bed fell and kill him. There was no

615
00:40:16,315 --> 00:40:19,235
Speaker 1: dissuading him, however, and at a quarter past ten, he

616
00:40:19,315 --> 00:40:21,435
Speaker 1: closed the attic door behind him and went up the narrow,

617
00:40:21,475 --> 00:40:25,595
Speaker 1: twisting stairs. We later heard I'm in his creakings as

618
00:40:25,675 --> 00:40:29,035
Speaker 1: he crawled into bed. Grandfather, who usually slept in the

619
00:40:29,035 --> 00:40:31,635
Speaker 1: attic bed when he was with us, had disappeared some

620
00:40:31,795 --> 00:40:35,155
Speaker 1: days before. On those occasions, he was usually gone six

621
00:40:35,235 --> 00:40:38,195
Speaker 1: or eight days, and returned growling and out of temper

622
00:40:38,795 --> 00:40:41,555
Speaker 1: with the news that the Federal Union was run by

623
00:40:41,595 --> 00:40:44,235
Speaker 1: a passel of blockheads, and that the Army of the

624
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:46,955
Speaker 1: Potomac didn't have any more chance than a fiddler's bitch.

625
00:40:49,155 --> 00:40:52,155
Speaker 1: We had visiting us at the time, a nervous first

626
00:40:52,155 --> 00:40:55,195
Speaker 1: cousin of mine named Briggs Beale, who believed that he

627
00:40:55,275 --> 00:40:58,715
Speaker 1: was likely to cease breathing when he was asleep. It

628
00:40:58,835 --> 00:41:01,315
Speaker 1: was his feeling that if he were not awakened every

629
00:41:01,475 --> 00:41:05,155
Speaker 1: hour during the night, he might die of suffocation. He

630
00:41:05,195 --> 00:41:07,955
Speaker 1: had been accustomed to setting an alarm clock to ring

631
00:41:07,995 --> 00:41:12,235
Speaker 1: at intervals until morning, but I persuaded him to abandon this.

632
00:41:13,195 --> 00:41:14,875
Speaker 1: He slept in my room, and I told him that

633
00:41:14,955 --> 00:41:17,755
Speaker 1: I was such a light sleeper that if anybody quit

634
00:41:17,795 --> 00:41:20,515
Speaker 1: breathing in the same room with me, I would wake instantly.

635
00:41:21,115 --> 00:41:24,235
Speaker 1: He tested me the first night, which I had suspected

636
00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:28,275
Speaker 1: he would, by holding his breath after my regular breathing

637
00:41:28,315 --> 00:41:32,155
Speaker 1: had convinced him I was asleep. I was not asleep, however,

638
00:41:32,235 --> 00:41:37,275
Speaker 1: and called to him. This seemed to allay his fears

639
00:41:37,315 --> 00:41:39,955
Speaker 1: a little but he took the precaution of putting a

640
00:41:39,995 --> 00:41:43,995
Speaker 1: glass of spirits of camphor on a little table at

641
00:41:43,995 --> 00:41:46,835
Speaker 1: the head of his bed in case I didn't arouse

642
00:41:46,915 --> 00:41:49,475
Speaker 1: him until he was almost gone. He said he would

643
00:41:49,555 --> 00:41:53,915
Speaker 1: sniff the camphor. A powerful reviver, Briggs was not the

644
00:41:53,955 --> 00:41:57,635
Speaker 1: only member of his family who had his crotchets. Old

645
00:41:57,675 --> 00:42:00,715
Speaker 1: Aunt Melissa Belle, who could whistle like a man with

646
00:42:00,755 --> 00:42:03,875
Speaker 1: two fingers in her mouth, suffered under the premonition that

647
00:42:03,915 --> 00:42:06,955
Speaker 1: she was destined to die on South High Street because

648
00:42:06,995 --> 00:42:10,115
Speaker 1: she had been born on South High Street and married

649
00:42:10,195 --> 00:42:13,715
Speaker 1: on South High Street. Then there was Aunt Sarah Chauf,

650
00:42:14,195 --> 00:42:16,355
Speaker 1: who never went to bed at night without the fear

651
00:42:16,555 --> 00:42:19,155
Speaker 1: that a burglar was going to get in and blow

652
00:42:19,315 --> 00:42:24,595
Speaker 1: chloroform under her door through a tube. To avert this calamity,

653
00:42:24,635 --> 00:42:26,835
Speaker 1: for she was in greater dread of anesthetics than of

654
00:42:26,875 --> 00:42:31,195
Speaker 1: losing her household goods, she always piled her money, silverware,

655
00:42:31,235 --> 00:42:34,635
Speaker 1: and other valuables in a neat stack just outside her bedroom,

656
00:42:35,115 --> 00:42:37,635
Speaker 1: with a note reading, this is all I have. Please

657
00:42:37,675 --> 00:42:40,275
Speaker 1: take it and do not use your chloroform, as this

658
00:42:40,315 --> 00:42:44,355
Speaker 1: is all I have. Aunt Gracie's Chauf also had a

659
00:42:44,355 --> 00:42:48,035
Speaker 1: burglar phobia, but she met it with more fortitude. She

660
00:42:48,195 --> 00:42:50,675
Speaker 1: was confident that burglars had been getting into her house

661
00:42:50,675 --> 00:42:54,155
Speaker 1: every night for forty years. The fact that she never

662
00:42:54,315 --> 00:42:57,875
Speaker 1: missed anything was to her no proof. To the contrary,

663
00:42:57,995 --> 00:43:00,195
Speaker 1: She always claimed that she scared them off before they

664
00:43:00,235 --> 00:43:05,235
Speaker 1: could take anything by throwing shoes down the hallway. When

665
00:43:05,235 --> 00:43:07,675
Speaker 1: she went to bed, she piled where she could get

666
00:43:07,715 --> 00:43:11,355
Speaker 1: at them handily, all the shoes there were about her house.

667
00:43:12,115 --> 00:43:14,115
Speaker 1: Five minutes after she had turned off the light, she

668
00:43:14,115 --> 00:43:19,075
Speaker 1: would sit up in bed and say hark. Her husband,

669
00:43:19,395 --> 00:43:21,875
Speaker 1: who had learned to ignore the whole situation as long

670
00:43:21,915 --> 00:43:25,675
Speaker 1: ago as nineteen o three, would either be sound asleep

671
00:43:26,155 --> 00:43:29,435
Speaker 1: or pretend to be sound asleep. In either case, he

672
00:43:29,435 --> 00:43:32,395
Speaker 1: would not respond to her tugging and pulling, so that

673
00:43:32,515 --> 00:43:36,475
Speaker 1: presently she would arise, tiptoe to the door, open it slightly,

674
00:43:36,515 --> 00:43:39,195
Speaker 1: and heave a shoe down the hall in one direction,

675
00:43:39,875 --> 00:43:42,235
Speaker 1: and its mate down the hall in the other direction.

676
00:43:42,675 --> 00:43:46,435
Speaker 1: Some nights she threw them all, some nights only a

677
00:43:46,515 --> 00:43:51,635
Speaker 1: couple of pear. But I am straying from the remarkable

678
00:43:51,635 --> 00:43:54,235
Speaker 1: incidents that took place during the night that the bed

679
00:43:54,275 --> 00:43:57,715
Speaker 1: fell on father. By midnight we were all in bed.

680
00:43:58,275 --> 00:44:00,875
Speaker 1: The layout of the rooms and the disposition of their

681
00:44:00,915 --> 00:44:03,835
Speaker 1: occupants is important to an understanding of what later occurred.

682
00:44:04,995 --> 00:44:09,035
Speaker 1: In the front room upstairs, just under father's attic bedroom,

683
00:44:09,835 --> 00:44:12,795
Speaker 1: where my mother and my brother Herman, who sometimes sang

684
00:44:12,955 --> 00:44:17,235
Speaker 1: in his sleep, usually marching through Georgia or onward Christian soldiers,

685
00:44:18,235 --> 00:44:20,995
Speaker 1: briggs Beale and myself were in a room adjoining this one.

686
00:44:21,155 --> 00:44:23,475
Speaker 1: My brother Roy was in a room across the hall

687
00:44:23,515 --> 00:44:27,235
Speaker 1: from ours. Our bull terrier Wrecks slept in the hall.

688
00:44:28,555 --> 00:44:31,115
Speaker 1: My bed was an army cot, one of those affairs

689
00:44:31,195 --> 00:44:33,955
Speaker 1: which were made wide enough to sleep on comfortably only

690
00:44:33,995 --> 00:44:37,235
Speaker 1: by putting up flat, with the middle section the two sides,

691
00:44:37,275 --> 00:44:40,035
Speaker 1: which ordinarily hang down like the sideboards of a drop

692
00:44:40,115 --> 00:44:44,195
Speaker 1: leaf table. When these sides are up, it is perilous

693
00:44:44,715 --> 00:44:48,195
Speaker 1: to roll too far toward the edge, for then the

694
00:44:48,235 --> 00:44:51,355
Speaker 1: cot is likely to tip completely over, bringing the whole

695
00:44:51,435 --> 00:44:56,995
Speaker 1: bed down on top of one with a tremendous banging crash. This,

696
00:44:57,115 --> 00:45:00,275
Speaker 1: in fact, is precisely what happened about two o'clock in

697
00:45:00,315 --> 00:45:03,475
Speaker 1: the morning. It was my mother who, in recalling the scene,

698
00:45:03,555 --> 00:45:05,675
Speaker 1: later first referred to it as the night the bed

699
00:45:05,715 --> 00:45:10,355
Speaker 1: fell on your father. Always a deep sleeper and slow

700
00:45:10,435 --> 00:45:14,875
Speaker 1: to arouse, I had lied to Briggs. I was at

701
00:45:14,875 --> 00:45:18,115
Speaker 1: first unconscious of what had happened when the iron coot

702
00:45:18,315 --> 00:45:20,955
Speaker 1: rolled me onto the floor and toppled over on me.

703
00:45:21,995 --> 00:45:24,675
Speaker 1: It left me still warmly bundled up and unhurt, for

704
00:45:24,715 --> 00:45:27,475
Speaker 1: the bed rested above me like a canopy. Hence I

705
00:45:27,555 --> 00:45:30,795
Speaker 1: did not wake up, only reached the edge of consciousness

706
00:45:30,795 --> 00:45:34,435
Speaker 1: and went back. The racket, however, instantly awakened my mother

707
00:45:34,515 --> 00:45:37,315
Speaker 1: in the next room, who came to the immediate conclusion

708
00:45:37,675 --> 00:45:40,635
Speaker 1: that her worst dread was realized. The big wooden bed

709
00:45:40,715 --> 00:45:45,595
Speaker 1: upstairs had fallen on father. She therefore screamed, let's go

710
00:45:45,715 --> 00:45:49,795
Speaker 1: to your poor father. It was this shout, rather than

711
00:45:49,835 --> 00:45:52,875
Speaker 1: the noise of my cot falling, that awakened Herman in

712
00:45:52,915 --> 00:45:55,395
Speaker 1: the same room with her, he thought that mother had become,

713
00:45:55,395 --> 00:45:59,955
Speaker 1: for no apparent reason, hysterical. You're all right, mama, he shouted,

714
00:45:59,995 --> 00:46:04,115
Speaker 1: trying to calm her. They exchanged shout for shout for

715
00:46:04,235 --> 00:46:08,075
Speaker 1: perhaps ten seconds. Let's go to your poor father, and

716
00:46:08,515 --> 00:46:13,275
Speaker 1: you're all right. That woke up Briggs. By this time

717
00:46:13,355 --> 00:46:15,675
Speaker 1: I was conscious of what was going on in a

718
00:46:15,875 --> 00:46:19,115
Speaker 1: vague way, but did not yet realize that I was

719
00:46:19,715 --> 00:46:24,115
Speaker 1: under my bed instead of on it. Briggs, awakening in

720
00:46:24,155 --> 00:46:26,595
Speaker 1: the midst of loud shouts of fear and apprehension, came

721
00:46:26,635 --> 00:46:29,435
Speaker 1: to the quick conclusion that he was suffocating, and that

722
00:46:29,475 --> 00:46:32,635
Speaker 1: we were all trying to bring him out. With a

723
00:46:32,715 --> 00:46:36,835
Speaker 1: low moan, he grasped the glass of camphor at the

724
00:46:36,835 --> 00:46:40,515
Speaker 1: head of his bed, and instead of sniffing it, he

725
00:46:40,635 --> 00:46:44,995
Speaker 1: poured it over himself. The room reeked of camphor. Ugh

726
00:46:45,635 --> 00:46:48,835
Speaker 1: ah choked Briggs like a drowning man, for he had

727
00:46:48,875 --> 00:46:52,515
Speaker 1: almost succeeded in stopping his breath under the deluge of

728
00:46:52,675 --> 00:46:56,355
Speaker 1: pungent spirits. He leaped out of bed and groped toward

729
00:46:56,395 --> 00:46:58,315
Speaker 1: the open window, but he came up against one that

730
00:46:58,395 --> 00:47:02,315
Speaker 1: was closed. With his hand, he beat out the glass,

731
00:47:02,875 --> 00:47:05,035
Speaker 1: and I could hear it crash and tinkle on the

732
00:47:05,035 --> 00:47:08,635
Speaker 1: alleyway below. It was at this juncture that I, in

733
00:47:08,715 --> 00:47:11,835
Speaker 1: trying to get up, had the uncanny sensation of feeling

734
00:47:11,875 --> 00:47:16,675
Speaker 1: my bed above me foggy with sleep. I now suspected,

735
00:47:16,675 --> 00:47:19,355
Speaker 1: in my turn that the whole uproar was being made

736
00:47:19,355 --> 00:47:22,475
Speaker 1: in a frantic endeavor to extricate me from what must

737
00:47:22,475 --> 00:47:25,315
Speaker 1: be an unheard of and perilous situation. Get me out

738
00:47:25,315 --> 00:47:27,995
Speaker 1: of this, I bawled, Get me out. I think I

739
00:47:28,035 --> 00:47:30,475
Speaker 1: had the night marrish belief that I was entombed in

740
00:47:30,515 --> 00:47:37,235
Speaker 1: a mine global gas. Briggs, floundering in his camphor by

741
00:47:37,275 --> 00:47:41,435
Speaker 1: this time, my mother, still shouting, pursued by Hermann, still shouting,

742
00:47:41,755 --> 00:47:43,635
Speaker 1: was trying to open the door to the attic in

743
00:47:43,715 --> 00:47:46,635
Speaker 1: order to go up and get my father's body out

744
00:47:46,635 --> 00:47:52,275
Speaker 1: of the wreckage. The door was stuck, however, and would

745
00:47:52,355 --> 00:47:55,875
Speaker 1: not yield. Her frantic pulls on it only added to

746
00:47:55,875 --> 00:47:58,955
Speaker 1: the general banging and confusion. Roy and the dog were

747
00:47:58,995 --> 00:48:02,795
Speaker 1: now up, the one shouting questions, the other barking. Father

748
00:48:03,475 --> 00:48:06,075
Speaker 1: farthest away and sound sleeper of all, had by this

749
00:48:06,195 --> 00:48:08,595
Speaker 1: time been awakened by the battering on the attic door.

750
00:48:09,355 --> 00:48:15,515
Speaker 1: He decided that the house was on fire. I'm coming, ok,

751
00:48:16,355 --> 00:48:19,475
Speaker 1: he wailed in a slow, sleepy voice. It took him

752
00:48:19,515 --> 00:48:22,835
Speaker 1: many minutes to regain full consciousness. My mother, still believing

753
00:48:22,875 --> 00:48:26,475
Speaker 1: he was caught under the bed, detected in his I'm coming,

754
00:48:26,835 --> 00:48:29,795
Speaker 1: the mournful resigned note of one who was preparing to

755
00:48:29,835 --> 00:48:34,475
Speaker 1: meet his maker. He's dying, she shouted. I'm all right,

756
00:48:35,075 --> 00:48:38,275
Speaker 1: Briggs yelled to reassure her. I'm all right, He still

757
00:48:38,275 --> 00:48:41,395
Speaker 1: believed that it was his own closeness to death that

758
00:48:41,595 --> 00:48:45,435
Speaker 1: was worrying Mother. I found at last the light switch

759
00:48:45,475 --> 00:48:47,355
Speaker 1: in my room, unlocked the door, and Briggs and I

760
00:48:47,475 --> 00:48:50,475
Speaker 1: joined the others at the attic door. The dog, who

761
00:48:50,555 --> 00:48:54,155
Speaker 1: never did like Briggs, jumped for him, assuming that he

762
00:48:54,195 --> 00:48:56,955
Speaker 1: was the culprit in whatever was going on, and Roy

763
00:48:57,235 --> 00:49:00,675
Speaker 1: had to throw Rex and hold him. We could hear

764
00:49:00,715 --> 00:49:03,595
Speaker 1: Father crawling out of the bed upstairs. Roy pulled the

765
00:49:03,595 --> 00:49:06,035
Speaker 1: attic door open with a mighty jerk, and Father came

766
00:49:06,075 --> 00:49:09,515
Speaker 1: down the stairs, sleepy and irritable, but safe and sound.

767
00:49:10,395 --> 00:49:13,315
Speaker 1: My mother began to weep when she saw him. Rex

768
00:49:13,355 --> 00:49:19,075
Speaker 1: began to howl. What in the name of God is

769
00:49:19,155 --> 00:49:25,195
Speaker 1: going on here? Asked Father. The situation was finally put

770
00:49:25,235 --> 00:49:29,955
Speaker 1: together like a giant gigsaw puzzle. Father caught a cold

771
00:49:29,995 --> 00:49:32,195
Speaker 1: from prowling around in his bare feet, but there were

772
00:49:32,195 --> 00:49:37,155
Speaker 1: no other bad results. I'm glad, said Mother, who always

773
00:49:37,195 --> 00:49:40,995
Speaker 1: looked on the bright side of things, that your grandfather

774
00:49:41,235 --> 00:49:56,915
Speaker 1: wasn't here. I've done all the damage I can do here.

775
00:49:56,955 --> 00:49:59,555
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening. Here the credits. Most of the

776
00:49:59,635 --> 00:50:02,395
Speaker 1: music arrange produced and performed by Brian Ray and John

777
00:50:02,435 --> 00:50:06,115
Speaker 1: Phillip Shaneil, who are the countdown musical director. All orchestration

778
00:50:06,195 --> 00:50:09,555
Speaker 1: and keyboards by John Phillip Scheneil, Guitars, bass and drums

779
00:50:09,555 --> 00:50:13,755
Speaker 1: by Brian Ray, produced by Tko Brothers. Other Beethoven's elections

780
00:50:13,795 --> 00:50:16,755
Speaker 1: have been arranged and performed by No Horns Allowed. The

781
00:50:16,755 --> 00:50:20,075
Speaker 1: sports music is the Olderman theme from ESPN two and

782
00:50:20,115 --> 00:50:23,035
Speaker 1: it was written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN Inc.

783
00:50:23,595 --> 00:50:27,115
Speaker 1: Musical comments by Nancy Fauss. The best baseball stadium organist ever.

784
00:50:27,435 --> 00:50:30,595
Speaker 1: Our announcer today was my friend John Dean. Everything else

785
00:50:30,675 --> 00:50:32,915
Speaker 1: was pretty much my fault. So that's countdown for this,

786
00:50:32,995 --> 00:50:36,155
Speaker 1: the nine hundred and eighty third day since Donald Trump's

787
00:50:36,195 --> 00:50:38,995
Speaker 1: first attempted coup against the democratically elected government of the

788
00:50:39,075 --> 00:50:43,635
Speaker 1: United States. Convict him now while we still can. The

789
00:50:43,715 --> 00:50:49,755
Speaker 1: next scheduled countdown is Monday or Tuesday. I gotta tell

790
00:50:49,755 --> 00:50:52,355
Speaker 1: I gotta shake this throat thing. So if there's no

791
00:50:52,515 --> 00:50:57,435
Speaker 1: real news over the weekend, I'm just gonna take Monday off. Okay,

792
00:50:58,475 --> 00:51:00,795
Speaker 1: one way or the other. Your subscription will notify you

793
00:51:01,275 --> 00:51:06,555
Speaker 1: and bulletins as the news warrants anyway, because me, I'm

794
00:51:06,595 --> 00:51:11,395
Speaker 1: your local neighborhood Masochist. Till then, I'm Keith Alderman. Good morning,

795
00:51:11,435 --> 00:51:16,035
Speaker 1: good afternoon, good night, and good luck. Bill maher is

796
00:51:16,075 --> 00:51:36,315
Speaker 1: a Scab Countdown with Keith Olberman is a production of iHeartRadio.

797
00:51:36,595 --> 00:51:41,915
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

798
00:51:42,035 --> 00:51:43,995
Speaker 1: or wherever you get your podcasts.