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Speaker 1: Trauma survivors turn alarm bells into dinner bells, and dinner

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Speaker 1: bells into alarm bells.

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Speaker 2: It's insane, but it's really kind of common. I think

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Speaker 2: everybody it's childhood trauma. It's different versions of.

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Speaker 1: Child and I realized, well, my mother's still alive. Maybe

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Speaker 1: I can work on this with her.

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Speaker 3: Thanks for watching, guys. Today's episode is brought to you

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Speaker 3: by boost Mobile.

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Speaker 1: We need to start calling it what it is. We're

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Speaker 1: in this period in time where we are like conservatives

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Speaker 1: have made us so afraid to actually just say racist,

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Speaker 1: or we're dismissed when we call something racist. Oh they're

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Speaker 1: being hyperbolical. People will dismiss us sometimes and we can

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Speaker 1: just like say this is racist. But I mean, there's

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Speaker 1: this is like, this is not a nuanced thing. None

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Speaker 1: of this was nuanced racism. This was not like a microaggression.

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Speaker 1: This was he was making watermelon and fried chicken jokes.

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Speaker 3: I mean, girl, like, it wasn't just that. Are we

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Speaker 3: in like, can we sit the georshe Floyd? Can we

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Speaker 3: stip it off? Yeah, we're on camera already. I don't

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Speaker 3: know how comfortable you want to talk about this. You know,

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Speaker 3: I hadn't planned on it.

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Speaker 1: But what I think we I think I think we

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Speaker 1: need to you know, I've had.

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Speaker 3: We jumped into conversation.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to stop in a second and introduce our guests,

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Speaker 2: but I do want to finish this thought because what

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Speaker 2: you were saying, well, well.

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Speaker 1: The fast few years, I've I felt kind of afraid

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Speaker 1: because to say what's on my mind, because I was

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Speaker 1: afraid to lose opportunities. And I you know, people are

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Speaker 1: just not with trans people right now. No, but people

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Speaker 1: are never even fing with trans people now, and we're

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Speaker 1: in a fascist state, so unlike somebody has to sell

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Speaker 1: the truth. And when the history books look back, I

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Speaker 1: want to be a Christian, do you or not a

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Speaker 1: Coco Chanel? And for those who don't know, like Coco

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Speaker 1: Chanel is like a no, not Nazi sympathizer in your

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Speaker 1: opposed the Nazis. Anyway, there is some of it in

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Speaker 1: that the New Look show that was on HBO or

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Speaker 1: Showtime or something. But anyway, we were talking about the

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Speaker 1: Kevin Heart roast. It's you jumped in the cop I

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Speaker 1: was in the comments and I was like, he's known

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Speaker 1: Tony Hinchcliff is known for making racist humor. So He's

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Speaker 1: going to show up and be racist. And then I like,

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Speaker 1: I didn't watch the whole roast. I just watched. I

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Speaker 1: just saw clips and I was like, Chelsea killed it.

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Speaker 1: And then I kept, you know, watching the interview, and

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Speaker 1: then he said something else, and then I don't remember.

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Speaker 1: I have to actually pull up my phone, but then

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Speaker 1: he was saying racial humor. Kevin was saying racial humor.

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Speaker 1: I was like, racist. It feels like when you say

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Speaker 1: something that's racial, like it's racist. It's just it's just racist.

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Speaker 1: And it's his decision. It's for him to like, I'm

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Speaker 1: assuming and I could be wrong. People can correct me

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Speaker 1: if I'm wrong. A roast that he's involved in, he

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Speaker 1: has to prove everyone who's there. I know the jokes

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Speaker 1: were pre approved. I actually read something that there were

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Speaker 1: all these jokes against Trump that were taken out. Did

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Speaker 1: you hear this? Read I read this recently, adding check

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Speaker 1: the sources, you know, I want to like to double

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Speaker 1: triple check sources. But apparently there were a bunch of

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Speaker 1: jokes there were anti Trump that were taken out after

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Speaker 1: the people who saw it live heard those jokes, but

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Speaker 1: the recorded version they're out, so things could have been

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Speaker 1: taken out. So it's an interesting decision to have a

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Speaker 1: blamed racist. I mean that Nazi rally that they had

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Speaker 1: at Mathisquare Garden when Trump was running in twenty twenty four.

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Speaker 3: I remember.

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Speaker 1: I was talking to I was talking to someone and

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Speaker 1: they were like, oh yeah, yeah, people are calling this

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Speaker 1: a Nazi rally. People don't like that, And I said, yes,

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Speaker 1: a lot of racist people loved doing and saying racist things,

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Speaker 1: but hate being called racist.

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Speaker 3: They don't enjoy that part.

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Speaker 1: It's in that in the offense seems to be like

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Speaker 1: calling someone racist rather than the actual racist activity. And

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Speaker 1: that really speaks to the partly like Trumps emboldened people

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Speaker 1: to just let it all hang out because he does so,

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Speaker 1: he's given that He's created a permission structure for people

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Speaker 1: let it all hang out. But it also exposes this,

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Speaker 1: along with the recent Supreme Court decision that guide's the

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Speaker 1: Voting Rights Act, I think exposes the what I've always

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Speaker 1: known is that we've never really fully dealt with, like,

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Speaker 1: are racist history in this country?

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Speaker 3: Oh god no, like not even closed.

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Speaker 1: And to have like I mean, we it's people of color,

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Speaker 1: we know this, as black folks, we know this.

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Speaker 3: But like.

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Speaker 1: I think we need to keep saying it. I think

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Speaker 1: we need to keep this is why, this is why

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Speaker 1: they don't want to teach you either. But I find

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Speaker 1: I'm slowly working.

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Speaker 3: I have this.

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Speaker 1: Idea, like for a video essay or an essay about

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Speaker 1: Justice John Roberts, because I think he is a really

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Speaker 1: interesting case study of someone who I'm you know, from Mobile, Alabama,

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Speaker 1: And I did not know about the Supreme Court decision

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Speaker 1: and Mobile versus Bolton until a few weeks ago, literally

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Speaker 1: a few weeks ago, and I'm from Mobile, and that

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Speaker 1: case was decided by the Supreme Court in nineteen eighty

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Speaker 1: that said that unintentional racism like racism that you didn't

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Speaker 1: intend accident, Like, yeah, unintentional, you didn't intend for something

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Speaker 1: to be racist in terms of law restricting voting, but

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Speaker 1: the outcome is racist, it is not a violation of

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Speaker 1: the Voting Rights Act. Two years later, Congress and the

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Speaker 1: Reagan administration, well basic, but Congress was Democratic, amended the

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Speaker 1: Voting Rights Act to say that unintentional like if the

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Speaker 1: impact of a law restricting voting as a racist outcome,

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Speaker 1: than it is a violation of the Voting Rights Act.

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Speaker 1: And when you think about Jim crow when they were passing,

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Speaker 1: when they had poll taxes and literacy test they weren't saying,

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Speaker 1: we are instituting poll taxes and literacy tests to keep

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Speaker 1: black people from voting. But again, the impactist is racist

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Speaker 1: and it's disenfranchising black voters. So according to the letter

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Speaker 1: of the law of the Voting Rights Act as it stood,

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Speaker 1: Calais should be a violation of the Voting Rights Act.

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Speaker 1: But the Supreme Court is also insisting, as they did

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Speaker 1: in twenty thirteen when they over earned preclearance, that racism

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Speaker 1: doesn't exist anymore in America, that we've moved past that.

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Speaker 1: The fact, the fact that they had to keep extending

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Speaker 1: the Voting Rights Act too, suggests that like, at some

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Speaker 1: point we're going to be past this racist thing. But

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Speaker 1: we can't get past it if we don't even ignowledge

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Speaker 1: that it happened, if we are constantly trying to rewrite history.

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Speaker 1: The rise of all the Confederate statues that happened in

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Speaker 1: the early nineteen hundreds, that was an attempt to make

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Speaker 1: people forget and to like valorize the South. The South

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Speaker 1: should have been punished for succeeding from the Union. They

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Speaker 1: never were punished. They were actually given reparations. Can you

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Speaker 1: I mean, like, can you imagine this the person I

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Speaker 1: read this like after emancipation instead of giving reparations to

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Speaker 1: the group of people who were enslaved created as chattel

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Speaker 1: slavery for centuries. Never mind the mental health peace right.

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Speaker 1: I interviewed doctor droidgrew Wow on my podcast a few

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Speaker 1: years ago, and she coined the term post traumatic slave syndrome,

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Speaker 1: and she like said, you know, she was like, there

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Speaker 1: was no mass movement to deal with the mental health

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Speaker 1: of a population that has been dehumanized for and made

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Speaker 1: to work for free as chattel slaves for hundreds of

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Speaker 1: years intergenerationally. That's deep trauma.

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Speaker 3: So no reparations, no mental reparations. We can get to

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Speaker 3: get to other things by outside. I don't know.

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Speaker 2: We went to write it's all like good this means

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Speaker 2: because this was on your spirit, sa.

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Speaker 3: It's on my spirit, honey. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: But it's important that people know or reminded that when

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Speaker 1: apartheid was abolished in South Africa, they created a new constitution.

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Speaker 1: We were living in an apartheid state until nineteen sixty five.

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Speaker 1: Black people did not have the full freedoms that the

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Speaker 1: Fourteenth and fifteenth Midment. It gave us until nineteen sixty five,

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Speaker 1: when we had the Voting Rights Act, we were still

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Speaker 1: not equal like in terms of like our franchise. So

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Speaker 1: we've only really been in democracy nineteen sixty five, and

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Speaker 1: the moment that Voting Rights Act was passed, there were

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Speaker 1: people working to overturn it, and basically they have And

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Speaker 1: it's that and the Job's decision from a few years

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Speaker 1: ago are reminders that these conservatives are relentless. They have

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Speaker 1: a long game and they they won't stop. There's constantly

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Speaker 1: like systems in place, and I think that's why having

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Speaker 1: a systemic critique and being critical of systems and ideologies

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Speaker 1: is more effective than like, you know, attacking individuals. I

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Speaker 1: think we love individuals. Understand that we've all we are

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Speaker 1: all struggling, all trying to figure it out, all trying

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Speaker 1: to figure it out, the work no and or don't

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Speaker 1: even know or don't even know where to start. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: you have to meet people where they are too, because

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Speaker 1: sometimes people don't know where to start. And then sometimes

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Speaker 1: what I realized with was with in some situations, some

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Speaker 1: people don't even have a framework to understand what we're

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Speaker 1: talking about.

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Speaker 3: My my ex.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to talk too much about him, but

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Speaker 1: he white dude, Long Island.

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Speaker 2: I've saw that where you dated, well, he was like

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Speaker 2: a MAGA supporter or something. He it's not me, he was,

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Speaker 2: He's how can you?

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Speaker 3: How can I date him with all of this on

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Speaker 3: your heart? I know I didn't know that you do

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Speaker 3: not know in the beginning. That's interesting.

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Speaker 1: That mean I I you know, I think where I

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Speaker 1: had been with dating is that like I just would

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Speaker 1: choose not to go there, like when I when I

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Speaker 1: met so when I met in the screening process, you

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Speaker 1: look the way the screening process is different. I was

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Speaker 1: not looking for a boyfriend when I met him. I

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Speaker 1: was literally I was living between LA and New York.

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Speaker 1: I was looking for a consistent friend with benefits in

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Speaker 1: LA and a consistent friend with benefits in New York.

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Speaker 3: So work, that's a different bedding.

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Speaker 1: I'm not trying to like, I'm not trying to like

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Speaker 1: be your life partner. I'm just like, you know, is

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Speaker 1: it gonna be respectful but also respectful even for you know,

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Speaker 1: a friend with benefit or f buddy or whatever you

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Speaker 1: want to call it.

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Speaker 3: I did.

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Speaker 1: I require certain levels of respect and accountability and all

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Speaker 1: the things. So that was the vetting, initial vetting, and

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Speaker 1: then he told me he was in commercial real estate.

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Speaker 3: That was a lie. He was actually a cop.

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Speaker 1: So once I found out all these things, I was

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Speaker 1: attached to him and I fell in love with him.

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Speaker 1: And I didn't plan on any of that, and so

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Speaker 1: I'd always imagine that, like you can have conversations and

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Speaker 1: maybe love across political differences, and so that's what I

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Speaker 1: was trying to do.

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Speaker 3: But that didn't work, like it was.

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Speaker 1: It was clear to me that there was not even

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Speaker 1: a frank that like, he was just so dug in there.

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Speaker 1: I asked him at one point after we broke up,

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Speaker 1: these are questions I didn't ask while we were dating

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Speaker 1: because maybe I didn't want to know the answer. Say,

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Speaker 1: have you ever I had a moment in your life

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Speaker 1: where you realized everything that you've been told is a

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Speaker 1: lie and you had to like let go of all

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Speaker 1: that and relearn everything. And he said, no, I just

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Speaker 1: try to be the best person that can be, you know.

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Speaker 2: It was like, hey, guys, today's show is brought to

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Speaker 2: How could you even wrap your brain around if he's

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Speaker 2: in love with you?

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Speaker 3: Back?

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Speaker 2: How could you even be wrap your braying around being

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Speaker 2: in love and loving a trans woman but also supporting

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Speaker 2: a system that strips away her rights.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's it's a cognitive dissonance, it's a

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Speaker 1: it's a compartmentalization, it's a by the time you know,

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Speaker 1: twenty twenty four, I broke up with them in March

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Speaker 1: and last week of March in twenty twenty four, so

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Speaker 1: I was like two years yeah, two years ago, so

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Speaker 1: and I.

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Speaker 3: Blocked him, and then like at one point we started talking.

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Speaker 1: Now, after a relationship is over, I like, you block, yeah,

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Speaker 1: And it's at least for thirty days for sure, no

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Speaker 1: contact for thirty I.

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Speaker 3: Think because I have a friend of mine in a.

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Speaker 1: Group theory situation suggested that years ago, because when you're

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Speaker 1: in a relationship, when you're talking every day, if you

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Speaker 1: break up and you're still talking every day, you're not separating.

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Speaker 1: So it's a thirty days no contact. And then like

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Speaker 1: I remember, like he did the contact after the thirty days,

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Speaker 1: he like reached out and I was like, and then

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Speaker 1: I just remember sometime doing the the election season and

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Speaker 1: I asked him that question. It was after we broke up,

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Speaker 1: about like, have you ever, so I just think what

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Speaker 1: I realized for him is that the whole he was white.

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Speaker 1: He is white's white dude, blonde hair, blue eyes, not

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Speaker 1: the smartest guy I've ever dated.

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Speaker 3: Like I and I in the beginning, it was great, yoh,

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Speaker 3: you're so funny.

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Speaker 1: I'm just I'm being on. In the beginning, it was

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Speaker 1: great because my life obviously, I'm very heady.

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Speaker 3: I'm going on podcasts talking about ship like fanness.

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Speaker 1: So it was like fun, just like to go go

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Speaker 1: home and just have fun and not have it be deep.

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Speaker 1: But if he asked any of these questions of himself,

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Speaker 1: he would have to, like everything that has been set

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Speaker 1: up for him, he would have to like interrogate, and

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Speaker 1: he doesn't.

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Speaker 3: It's like, what would he be left with if he.

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Speaker 1: Realized like the privilege, the how the system that he

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Speaker 1: was working for, the like the racist system that he

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Speaker 1: is like enforcing and has pledged allegiance.

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Speaker 3: To, it would shake his whole.

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Speaker 1: Found he would have an existential crisis, but that's part

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Speaker 1: of life.

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Speaker 3: But like he would, it would really rock everything.

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Speaker 1: So it's just too much and it's so dug in

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Speaker 1: deep too with him and his family, and it was

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Speaker 1: just necessascinating.

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Speaker 3: That's why I'm not with him.

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Speaker 2: But it's also fascinating because because I always trying to

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Speaker 2: wrap my wain around how how do.

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Speaker 3: People get But you kind of described it.

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Speaker 1: Being in a relationship with him and being and it's

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Speaker 1: and it's we're in a place place now.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to pull you out of this in a second,

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Speaker 3: because we would about this.

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Speaker 1: We're in a place now where like because of the Internet,

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Speaker 1: we dehumanize a lot, right we like we're kind of

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Speaker 1: we don't always think about people as soul human beings

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Speaker 1: because of who they voted for, or it's anonymous online

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Speaker 1: or the media has manufactured consent.

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Speaker 3: I mean the way it's.

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Speaker 1: A really it's really obvious how the media has like

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Speaker 1: done a hit job on trans people to dehumanize us

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Speaker 1: in manufacturer like with through sports, through language and images

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Speaker 1: language like mutilating children, men in girls sports. What does

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Speaker 1: that evote because they're not it's the women and girls sports,

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Speaker 1: mutilating children, all this language that like does not encourage.

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Speaker 1: And then talking about trans issues, right, like we were

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Speaker 1: like we used and immigrants were the most discussed groups

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Speaker 1: of people during the twenty twenty four election, but we

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Speaker 1: were nowhere in sight. People weren't bringing us on to

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Speaker 1: talk about these things. They were They created a trans boogieman,

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Speaker 1: a straw man trans but chance boogeyman, and just like

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Speaker 1: created all this myth around us and people are dug

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Speaker 1: deep into it and it's deep watching people like repeat

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Speaker 1: these talking points. So like the dehumanization and it's not

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Speaker 1: just with trans people, it's with obviously with immigrants are

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Speaker 1: eating cats and dogs, black people, and then now it

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Speaker 1: extends to m Yeah, it's grows and so like I think,

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Speaker 1: like just for our own mental health in this moment,

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Speaker 1: like how do we like see each other as human beings?

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Speaker 1: And a lot of that is like for me, it's

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Speaker 1: always starting with like myself and what I have to

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Speaker 1: work on first, Like whenever I'm like and even when

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Speaker 1: I was in the comment section, like you know, commenting

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Speaker 1: on Kevin's interview, I wasn't attacking him because I'm not perfect,

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Speaker 1: but we're all in a process, Like he's a human

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Speaker 1: being who has blind spots, maybe because he needs to

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Speaker 1: for the money for who knows, But like even but

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Speaker 1: I didn't know around accountability. I remember when he the

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Speaker 1: oscar is controversy, and I think it was an old

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Speaker 1: tweet where he said that if his son was gay,

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Speaker 1: he would beat him or something, and he like he ended,

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Speaker 1: he withdrew from the oscar and I don't think they

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Speaker 1: fired him. And then I remember he would he.

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Speaker 3: Was doing it.

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Speaker 1: He was talking to Little nas X on that remember

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Speaker 1: Lebron James had a barber shop show or something on HBO,

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Speaker 1: and then he was just like, why does your sexuality matter?

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Speaker 1: And it was just kind of like why does your

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Speaker 1: sexuality matters? Feels like, you know, I don't see color,

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Speaker 1: like I don't see color. It matters because for little

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Speaker 1: nas X, as a black man who's in hip hop,

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Speaker 1: like he's going to be treated differently. I mean, we've

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Speaker 1: seen all of the homophobia that he has experienced. It

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Speaker 1: in a perfect world, it doesn't matter, and it shouldn't matter,

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Speaker 1: like we are all human beings. But the only reason

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Speaker 1: these things and they're all social conscerlucts anyway, but the

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Speaker 1: reasons they matter is because people are oppressed because of

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Speaker 1: these things. The reason that race matters is because we

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Speaker 1: live in a racist culture and and and so that's

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Speaker 1: why we have to talk about it. And because if

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Speaker 1: we want, like if we believe that everybody should have

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Speaker 1: rights and should be seen as human and have access

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Speaker 1: to health care and employment and all the things. We

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Speaker 1: have to actually talk about the thing and it shouldn't

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Speaker 1: be and the only way to really do that is

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Speaker 1: to create safety. We can't. My god to Ray has

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00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:34,440
Speaker 1: been cooling.

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00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:35,040
Speaker 4: Do you know.

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00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,400
Speaker 3: His channel his YouTube channel is sticking.

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00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,960
Speaker 1: He was talking about he had a show with that woman,

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Speaker 1: that doctor, doctor Briant, and she was he was the

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00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,000
Speaker 1: clip he did, he did a whole screen about her,

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Speaker 1: but she was. He was saying the corporal punishment, like

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Speaker 1: you know, beating your children is not an effective thing

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Speaker 1: to do.

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Speaker 3: It's not right.

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Speaker 1: And then most psychologists agree, and then she disagreed and

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Speaker 1: said that like it's okay to beat your children.

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Speaker 3: And all you know.

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Speaker 1: Then like he pulls up a clip of like a

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Speaker 1: professional saying that like when you're beating a child, that

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00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:14,920
Speaker 1: they're actually in survival most so you're in Olympic brain right,

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00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,280
Speaker 1: So like we have like and when we're in survival mode,

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00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:19,800
Speaker 1: when we in fire fighter freeze, we can't process information.

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00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,800
Speaker 1: So it's actually not you have to be in your resilience.

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00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:27,240
Speaker 1: You have to be in your prefrontal cortex and you

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00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,960
Speaker 1: have to feel safe. When you don't, we don't feel safe,

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00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,560
Speaker 1: we go into the fire fight or freeze, and then

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00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,200
Speaker 1: we can't process information. So the only way we can

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00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:39,480
Speaker 1: process information is like in environment of safety. It's neuro science,

404
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:44,120
Speaker 1: it's scientific. So I'm like, let's let's bring back safe spaces.

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00:21:44,119 --> 00:21:45,879
Speaker 1: Do we feel like this is a safe space so

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Speaker 1: we can like I do, I do?

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00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:52,840
Speaker 3: I love you. I love you sitting here in all

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00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,760
Speaker 3: of you. I talk a lot. This is inside of

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00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,240
Speaker 3: you all day. Lord, I know it's a lot.

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00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:03,960
Speaker 1: I have to check out and like watch watch like silly,

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00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:05,959
Speaker 1: I was TV yourself.

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00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,639
Speaker 3: That's so much great ship to say. So I just

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00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:09,240
Speaker 3: was letting you go. But my god, I was like,

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00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:10,560
Speaker 3: we have to get to this book yet.

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00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,399
Speaker 1: And in my note to myself and these podcasts is

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Speaker 1: to talk less, listen more conversation. So I'm constantly giving

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Speaker 1: myself notes and trying to be better everything I do.

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Speaker 3: You're so good, though, so it's okay.

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Speaker 2: It's like you're not like you're saying things that don't

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Speaker 2: need to be said.

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Speaker 1: I appreciate. I agree, That's why I'm saying it. Yeah, no,

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Speaker 1: I am, and having the courage to say it right

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Speaker 1: now too. I think people are scared, and I'm scared.

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Speaker 1: I'm scared too, But I feel like myself when I

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Speaker 1: can Yeah, I love that for you and I can.

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Speaker 3: Just it's a scary time.

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Speaker 1: Get anything, Get get my ship off? Can we curse?

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Speaker 3: Yes? Please?

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Speaker 1: I feel like myself when I get to say what

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Speaker 1: the fuck I need to say? Why?

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00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:50,880
Speaker 3: So Laverne keep me here and got some ship off

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00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:54,280
Speaker 3: of chest? Now we can talk about.

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Speaker 2: For references, you can jump in the comments section of

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00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,159
Speaker 2: the Breakfast Club's post with Kevin Hart, so you know

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00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,240
Speaker 2: what we're talking about.

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Speaker 5: But as we start my podcast.

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Speaker 2: Hey ladies, if you have been struggling with dry hair

438
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458
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Speaker 3: So today's guest, there's a true trail place.

459
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:22,120
Speaker 5: An Emmy winning actress, producer, advocate, cultural icon who has

460
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:27,359
Speaker 5: transformed conversations around gender identity, representation and visibility at mainstream media.

461
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,119
Speaker 2: We know her from all the things Orange is the

462
00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:31,120
Speaker 2: New Black and many of the shows that she has

463
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:35,320
Speaker 2: been part of, and she's helped redefine what authentic storytelling

464
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:37,719
Speaker 2: could look like on television. Since then, she's become one

465
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:42,240
Speaker 2: of the most influential voices for LGBTQ plus rights, mental health,

466
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:47,000
Speaker 2: inclusive representation across entertainment and culture, and now also author of.

467
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:56,119
Speaker 3: Her new book, Transcendent. Gos Laverne Cox. You say you

468
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:59,560
Speaker 3: dreamed of a career that no one had ever had.

469
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:05,720
Speaker 3: Imagine that idea alone, that idea alone. You had this idea.

470
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,280
Speaker 2: You're this kid trying to figure out who you are.

471
00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:12,600
Speaker 2: You want to be an actress. Nobody that looks like you,

472
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:15,480
Speaker 2: like you, has ever had.

473
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:16,280
Speaker 3: The career that you have.

474
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:21,280
Speaker 2: Why on earth, where on earth did it even come from?

475
00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:26,440
Speaker 3: How did you even dream that up? It a little delusion.

476
00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:31,160
Speaker 3: It's weird.

477
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,959
Speaker 1: When I was when I was writing the book and

478
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,280
Speaker 1: thinking about my childhood, it was so hard to write

479
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,720
Speaker 1: the book because I really wanted to like get to

480
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:40,360
Speaker 1: the truth of what I was experiencing, and like even

481
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:43,720
Speaker 1: if it sounded weird or childish or whatever, I needed

482
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:47,520
Speaker 1: to just say what it was. And from my earliest memories,

483
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:50,399
Speaker 1: it really was a like in relationship to when the kids,

484
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:52,560
Speaker 1: you know, during daycare, when I would get bullied by

485
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:57,119
Speaker 1: the other kids and you know, they beat me up,

486
00:25:57,119 --> 00:25:58,400
Speaker 1: and my mother was like, why aren't.

487
00:25:58,160 --> 00:25:58,879
Speaker 3: You fighting back?

488
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:04,479
Speaker 1: And I remember distinctly thinking to myself, I'm above fighting

489
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:08,080
Speaker 1: with these kids. I'm you say, you know, you a fighter, right, Like,

490
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,000
Speaker 1: I'm not a fighter. I'm still I'm a lover, not

491
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,960
Speaker 1: a fighter. And I'll get that friend of love. But okay,

492
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:15,239
Speaker 1: I mean, I fight for my rights, I stand up

493
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,399
Speaker 1: for myself, but I'm not I don't physically fight. But

494
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,919
Speaker 1: I felt I was above it. I felt like I

495
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,800
Speaker 1: was here for something bigger than that.

496
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:23,840
Speaker 3: I really did.

497
00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:27,000
Speaker 1: And I don't know where that came from, but I've

498
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,480
Speaker 1: always felt that. And when my mother gave me me

499
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:32,159
Speaker 1: and my brother this Black history book when we were

500
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,600
Speaker 1: about five or six years old, I kind of confiscated

501
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:37,480
Speaker 1: the book and they were like these, you know, for kids.

502
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,760
Speaker 1: They have these little pictures and these biographies are famous

503
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:43,600
Speaker 1: African Americans W B T Boys, Martin Luka and Gorse

504
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:47,960
Speaker 1: Malcolm X. I remember Catherine Dunham though, Mary and Anderson,

505
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,560
Speaker 1: Arthur Mitchell, and Lantine Price were like I read them

506
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,280
Speaker 1: over and over again, and Lantine specifically, I had never

507
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,679
Speaker 1: heard her saying I didn't know anything about opera, but

508
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,359
Speaker 1: she had this turban and it's high cheek bones and

509
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:03,560
Speaker 1: she was just so dignified in the photo. And reading

510
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:08,280
Speaker 1: about these artists, specifically Arthur Mitchell, the first black ballet

511
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,800
Speaker 1: dancer to dance in New York City ballet. Catherine Dunham

512
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,520
Speaker 1: started her own ballet company. Mary and Anderson, my god,

513
00:27:16,119 --> 00:27:18,320
Speaker 1: broke the color barrier at the Metropolitan Opera. But then,

514
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 1: when you know the Daughters of American Revolution didn't allow

515
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:24,879
Speaker 1: her to sing a Constitution Hall eleanor Roosevelt was like

516
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:27,560
Speaker 1: one just sing at the Lincoln Memorial and so instead

517
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,800
Speaker 1: of singing for a few thousand people, there were millions

518
00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:35,240
Speaker 1: of people who heard her voice, and that changed things

519
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:40,000
Speaker 1: and the things that these artists had to endure. At

520
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,280
Speaker 1: six years old, I was like, wouldn't it be cool?

521
00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:44,000
Speaker 1: Because I always knew I was I was, you know,

522
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,560
Speaker 1: wanted to dance, and I knew I knew I'd be

523
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,840
Speaker 1: a dancer in transition acting. I knew this always, but

524
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:51,760
Speaker 1: I wanted to dance, and so at five years old,

525
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:53,600
Speaker 1: I was baging my mother for dance classes. Finally, in

526
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:56,159
Speaker 1: third grade, I started to take dance. So I was like,

527
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,439
Speaker 1: how cool would it be if through my work as

528
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:01,120
Speaker 1: an artist, I could make things better for people who

529
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:05,040
Speaker 1: follow me? This like the idea enters my head at

530
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:09,439
Speaker 1: six years old. Six and so I had stuff to do,

531
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:12,159
Speaker 1: so I didn't have time to like, can be bothered

532
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:14,719
Speaker 1: with these kids in their petty and whatever?

533
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:19,320
Speaker 3: What I love about the way you framed out the book. Also,

534
00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:19,600
Speaker 3: when you.

535
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,480
Speaker 2: Write a book, it's like, isn't it such a therapeutic

536
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:25,320
Speaker 2: kind of I don't know, was it for you this

537
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 2: experience because because the.

538
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:28,720
Speaker 1: Book it is, I think it is now as I

539
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:33,680
Speaker 1: talk about it the process. I thought that memories I'd

540
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,400
Speaker 1: forgotten a lot of my childhood, and I thought, and

541
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:38,680
Speaker 1: I thought i'd use more of the when the way

542
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,600
Speaker 1: I disassociated when like I would be getting when I

543
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 1: be beaten up or when my mother would yell, I

544
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:45,840
Speaker 1: would disassociate and I would just go someplace else.

545
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,200
Speaker 3: I imagine I was Darcel the Least so the.

546
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:51,880
Speaker 1: Gold Answer or Madonna. I love Madonna as a kid.

547
00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:55,760
Speaker 1: Then Culture Club and bored George came along, so I

548
00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:58,640
Speaker 1: would just I would literally disassociate it like that's not

549
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,520
Speaker 1: unusual for child can't process all that, so I would

550
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 1: like go someplace else.

551
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:05,400
Speaker 3: So I thought I would be using that throughout the book.

552
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:07,840
Speaker 1: Whenever I didn't remember something, I would I would just

553
00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:09,280
Speaker 1: go into whatever the fantasy was.

554
00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:13,360
Speaker 3: But as I started working with my co writer for Lice.

555
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:18,240
Speaker 1: And she started asking me questions, memories started coming back, and.

556
00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:22,400
Speaker 3: They were buried for a reason, like really.

557
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:25,840
Speaker 1: Traumatizing things thing like ugly crying and just like like

558
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:38,080
Speaker 1: core stuff of feeling dirty, disgusting, unlovable, unwanted, like just

559
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:42,000
Speaker 1: the I never felt wanted. I never felt wanted, and

560
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:47,240
Speaker 1: I felt like this incredible burden. I I thought children

561
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:51,520
Speaker 1: ruined people's lives. My mother had two kids as she

562
00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:56,240
Speaker 1: was raising by herself, and she was always reminding us

563
00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:58,480
Speaker 1: how hard she had to work and how she had

564
00:29:58,520 --> 00:29:58,920
Speaker 1: no help.

565
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:00,000
Speaker 3: She worked for jobs.

566
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,600
Speaker 1: I'd actually realized until we were in high school she

567
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:10,160
Speaker 1: was still working four jobs, which is insane, insane.

568
00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 3: But she was always stressed out.

569
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:13,320
Speaker 1: And my therapist thinks that she was a narcissist, and

570
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,680
Speaker 1: that would explain a lot too. So she could just

571
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:17,880
Speaker 1: go off at the drop of a hat. So I

572
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:22,479
Speaker 1: was like walking on eggshells like all the time. And

573
00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:25,920
Speaker 1: so in figuring in we have when we think about

574
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:29,200
Speaker 1: the survival things by flight or free there's also tend

575
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:31,880
Speaker 1: in befriends. Some people call it fawning. That's also a

576
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:35,360
Speaker 1: survival response. Tend In befriend is like, you know, with

577
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,000
Speaker 1: the bears in the woods, You're like, oh, bear, it's okay,

578
00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:41,920
Speaker 1: what can I do to make you feel better? Everything's

579
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:44,720
Speaker 1: gonna be all right. And that was me and my mother.

580
00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:47,800
Speaker 1: My brother was like flight. He was like, get me

581
00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:50,320
Speaker 1: the fuck out of here. I was like, I'm gonna

582
00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:51,959
Speaker 1: make I'm gonna make you love me. I'm gonna make

583
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 1: everything okay. And that was a lot of my childhood

584
00:30:55,920 --> 00:31:01,320
Speaker 1: because I I loved my mother, my mother so much,

585
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:06,080
Speaker 1: and I thought, if I made all eights and I

586
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,600
Speaker 1: was really, really, really good, she would love me and

587
00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:16,440
Speaker 1: she would want me. And but I didn't feel an

588
00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:17,560
Speaker 1: unconditional love.

589
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:20,200
Speaker 3: And I love because I just was right.

590
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:24,680
Speaker 2: Let alone all the things internally that you were discovering

591
00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:27,719
Speaker 2: about yourself that was different than your brother and different

592
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,480
Speaker 2: than your friends, and yeah, pretty much everybody else in

593
00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:32,640
Speaker 2: your school, everybody else. I love the way you framed

594
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:34,840
Speaker 2: the book in three parts. So first part is what's

595
00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:39,360
Speaker 2: wrong with me, second part is what happened to me?

596
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:43,880
Speaker 2: And then third part is what's right with me? So

597
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:46,120
Speaker 2: good by the way, just that alone is so good.

598
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 2: I think all of us in our own lives, but

599
00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:52,640
Speaker 2: that those that framework, I kind of assess.

600
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:55,000
Speaker 1: I just told my therapist this, well, this is I guess,

601
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:56,600
Speaker 1: this is them. She said to me in therapy.

602
00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:57,360
Speaker 3: That is the journey.

603
00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:00,320
Speaker 1: Part of the journey to healing from trauma is that

604
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:02,600
Speaker 1: we are in this thing of like what's wrong with me?

605
00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:05,360
Speaker 1: Like what's what's I'm? And then even then I had

606
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:07,720
Speaker 1: teachers saying what's wrong with you? My mother's saying what's

607
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:09,840
Speaker 1: wrong with you? Other kids saying what's wrong with you?

608
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:12,080
Speaker 1: So like I felt like something was wrong with me

609
00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 1: and like I wasn't right. And then it's then like

610
00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:18,000
Speaker 1: I get to a place of like, well, what happened

611
00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:18,240
Speaker 1: to me?

612
00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:19,800
Speaker 3: Like there's nothing wrong with me?

613
00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:23,120
Speaker 1: I'm I'm, I'm mating God's image, just something, but what

614
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:28,920
Speaker 1: happened to me? And that is so complicated. There was

615
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:33,479
Speaker 1: a lot of things happened. I was, you know, my

616
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,880
Speaker 1: mother blessed her heart was like because of our own

617
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:41,600
Speaker 1: childhood trauma and stress, she got pregnant and didn't plan

618
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:44,440
Speaker 1: on having two kids. And then the sperm donor I

619
00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:47,880
Speaker 1: call them sperm donor. My father like never claimed that

620
00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:51,240
Speaker 1: it's never wanted us, and we were told to lie

621
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:53,360
Speaker 1: about that when my mother told us when we were

622
00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:56,479
Speaker 1: if kids ask or if the teacher asked, say your

623
00:32:56,520 --> 00:33:00,440
Speaker 1: father died before you were born and you never knew him.

624
00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:03,880
Speaker 1: And so I did that until I wrote this book

625
00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:09,200
Speaker 1: the whole time. Yeah, out of respect for her, and

626
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:12,920
Speaker 1: but like thinking about think about being like five years old,

627
00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:15,440
Speaker 1: and like that's that's the lie you're told. And then

628
00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:19,600
Speaker 1: you just keep telling that lie. And then obviously I

629
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,440
Speaker 1: won't give this part away. But then we meet him

630
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:23,800
Speaker 1: for the first time when we were in third grade,

631
00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:26,600
Speaker 1: and the only time.

632
00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:32,000
Speaker 3: All these years he hasn't popped up. Mm hmmm.

633
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:35,640
Speaker 1: I heard about him, wuty, you know, you end up

634
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,240
Speaker 1: like deputy in jail and whatever. Like my mother, you know,

635
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:39,800
Speaker 1: I heard about him and what a piece of shit

636
00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:42,840
Speaker 1: he was, but I had never met him. You know,

637
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:44,680
Speaker 1: according to my mother, he was a piece of shit

638
00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:48,120
Speaker 1: and based on his actions.

639
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:53,640
Speaker 3: Experience. So just like a lot.

640
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:57,240
Speaker 1: Of shame, a lot of trauma, you know, other stuff

641
00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:01,480
Speaker 1: that abused, physical abuse, sex abuse, all like it's.

642
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:06,160
Speaker 3: Just ugh, ugh, and it's and it's.

643
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:09,680
Speaker 1: And I still like, I guess, you know, I've never

644
00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:14,320
Speaker 1: I've never talked about this. I've alluded to this sex abuse,

645
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:16,799
Speaker 1: but like I've never really talked about that publicly either,

646
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:19,000
Speaker 1: So to write about it all these things, it's like

647
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,000
Speaker 1: and a lot of it too. It's like people assume

648
00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,920
Speaker 1: if your trance, like someone must have touched you or

649
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:28,840
Speaker 1: something like that. But like I think hopefully people are smart.

650
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:31,960
Speaker 3: Well people aren't. People aren't.

651
00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:35,000
Speaker 1: But now we know, like if you study this any

652
00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:37,600
Speaker 1: of this stuff, that predators prey on kids who are

653
00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:41,960
Speaker 1: like already outcast, kids who are already don't have support

654
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:45,960
Speaker 1: and are easier to sort of because they're already alone

655
00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:50,560
Speaker 1: and isolated. And I think, and I remember, but I

656
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:53,640
Speaker 1: remember thinking for years that the sex abuse happened when

657
00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:55,000
Speaker 1: I was that I was five years old and the

658
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:57,840
Speaker 1: sexbyiest happened. But when I finally told my mother and I

659
00:34:57,880 --> 00:34:59,920
Speaker 1: write about this in the book, and we calculated it,

660
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:01,600
Speaker 1: I had to I had to be.

661
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:02,279
Speaker 3: Two years old.

662
00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:06,520
Speaker 1: And I think an for a lot of years I

663
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,520
Speaker 1: was I blamed myself. Yeah, I was like, what what

664
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:14,279
Speaker 1: did I do to make you know? And I was

665
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:16,200
Speaker 1: like I was two, There was like and when I

666
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:19,319
Speaker 1: even in five there I wasn't my fault. But it

667
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:20,320
Speaker 1: definitely wasn't my fault.

668
00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:21,359
Speaker 3: It too so.

669
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:27,200
Speaker 1: Carrying those thoughts around that you I did something and

670
00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:29,760
Speaker 1: that it was my fault, even.

671
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:32,120
Speaker 2: As an adult and you're such like a You've worked

672
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:37,640
Speaker 2: on yourself, You've done therapy, You've Yeah, I just can't

673
00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:41,960
Speaker 2: imagine that you could think as an adult you that

674
00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:43,840
Speaker 2: that child.

675
00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:49,080
Speaker 3: Well, I think adult me had.

676
00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:54,839
Speaker 1: It took a minute to formulate adult me even when

677
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:58,200
Speaker 1: I was like when I turned eighteen and turned twenty one,

678
00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:01,879
Speaker 1: I was still in denial about I would mean people

679
00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 1: asking me about childhood. It was fabulous. Everything was fabulous,

680
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:07,719
Speaker 1: Everything was wonderful. By that time, I created this persona

681
00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:10,239
Speaker 1: because I thought that's what I needed to do to

682
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:13,040
Speaker 1: be accepted and to be so everything was fabulous and

683
00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:14,719
Speaker 1: fine and wonderful.

684
00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:15,040
Speaker 3: And it wasn't.

685
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:18,560
Speaker 1: And I got to a point when I could I

686
00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:23,200
Speaker 1: couldn't be in that line anymore. And it really, honestly,

687
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:25,960
Speaker 1: I had to deal with the gender stuff first. And

688
00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:30,120
Speaker 1: when I started, when I started my medical transition in

689
00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:33,600
Speaker 1: nineteen ninety eight, and it's just the anxiety I had

690
00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:35,759
Speaker 1: around it. I was just a sense of relief and

691
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:40,400
Speaker 1: it was the beginning of me like being able to

692
00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:44,440
Speaker 1: tell the truth to myself and so like that truth

693
00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:47,520
Speaker 1: like was like okay, so this, Yeah, my childhood wasn't great.

694
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:52,080
Speaker 1: And I was terrified and I did feel unloved and

695
00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:56,800
Speaker 1: unwanted and unprotected for sure, not all the things, and

696
00:36:57,440 --> 00:37:02,200
Speaker 1: overcompensated by making all and winning talent shows is very drama.

697
00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:04,239
Speaker 1: The Gifted Child if people know that book, like I

698
00:37:04,719 --> 00:37:08,040
Speaker 1: felt like I would be loved for what I did

699
00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:09,600
Speaker 1: and what I could do, but.

700
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:10,759
Speaker 3: Not for who I am.

701
00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:14,440
Speaker 1: Inherently that I had to do something to be loved,

702
00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:19,080
Speaker 1: not that I was lovable because I just am. And

703
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:25,319
Speaker 1: that realizing that and then that's one thing, and then

704
00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:29,799
Speaker 1: like get finding a sense of actual worthiness because I'm

705
00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:32,880
Speaker 1: a child of God and worthiness of love that was years.

706
00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:35,320
Speaker 1: That was years, and that can only really be healed

707
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:38,919
Speaker 1: in relationship to other people. Were potentially a therapist because

708
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:41,440
Speaker 1: it's part of its attachment theory. And then like I

709
00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:44,239
Speaker 1: did group therapy and so so some of the people

710
00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:49,960
Speaker 1: in the group therapy helped a lot, and eventually some

711
00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:54,160
Speaker 1: friends and a few romantic relationships helped, but more friends

712
00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:59,359
Speaker 1: and wow, group therapy, yeah, wow, because it has to like,

713
00:37:59,520 --> 00:38:03,440
Speaker 1: because there's there's a difference between understanding something intellectually and

714
00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:08,399
Speaker 1: then to quote Morpheus from the first Matrix movie, there's

715
00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:11,960
Speaker 1: a difference between knowing the path and walking it. And

716
00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:14,120
Speaker 1: there was there was a point I remember of years ago,

717
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:17,840
Speaker 1: I was the doctor's that was the doctor's office for something,

718
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:19,719
Speaker 1: and I was getting old counseling.

719
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,600
Speaker 3: It was giving old counseling.

720
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:28,600
Speaker 1: And as you can tell, I'm I can talk my

721
00:38:28,680 --> 00:38:30,960
Speaker 1: ass off, and I'm kind of smart, you know, you know,

722
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:33,480
Speaker 1: courting some people. But the doctor said, I can't wait

723
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:35,640
Speaker 1: for your core to catch up with your head.

724
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:37,360
Speaker 3: That I can't wait for it.

725
00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:39,560
Speaker 1: And that's what the therapy I've been doing for the

726
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:42,439
Speaker 1: past ten years, the sematic therapy, because really, when you're

727
00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:46,000
Speaker 1: it has to land in the body. Taught therapy is great,

728
00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:49,520
Speaker 1: but it has a somatic means up in the body.

729
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:53,040
Speaker 1: It has to land in the nervous system, because trauma

730
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:54,440
Speaker 1: lives in the body.

731
00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:55,960
Speaker 3: And to say the places you.

732
00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:58,799
Speaker 2: Could say, you know, if I've experienced this tonight, blah

733
00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:01,560
Speaker 2: blah blah blah blah, and you can articulate all the

734
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:04,720
Speaker 2: things that you're supposed to articulate, but actual.

735
00:39:04,480 --> 00:39:07,440
Speaker 1: Healing if my body has to know it, and I

736
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:15,600
Speaker 1: need because the heartwiring, neurobiologically, the heartwiring is to pick

737
00:39:15,760 --> 00:39:18,279
Speaker 1: the abusive man because he reminds me.

738
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:18,759
Speaker 3: Of the way.

739
00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:22,680
Speaker 1: Still doing that for years until when did I stop

740
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:25,120
Speaker 1: with the abuse of it was maybe twenty.

741
00:39:26,360 --> 00:39:32,120
Speaker 3: Eleven twelve. You were repeating this learned behavior as a child.

742
00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, And Jennifer, my therapist, with one of the things

743
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:41,000
Speaker 1: she said in therapy to me that like just blew

744
00:39:41,040 --> 00:39:45,880
Speaker 1: my wig back. She said, trauma survivors turn alarm bells

745
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:50,200
Speaker 1: into dinner bells, and dinner bells into alarm bells, meaning

746
00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:54,800
Speaker 1: like the heart wiring we have, it's like the threat

747
00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:57,840
Speaker 1: we should run away from. But when you've survived trauma

748
00:39:58,320 --> 00:40:00,280
Speaker 1: and you're trying to maybe make sense of your life,

749
00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:02,680
Speaker 1: I think like the alcoholic ex I had in the

750
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:05,960
Speaker 1: early two thousands was so HU would be mostly abusive.

751
00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:06,719
Speaker 3: He was my mother.

752
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:08,920
Speaker 1: I was like trying to make my mother love me

753
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:10,920
Speaker 1: by choosing someone like her. And I was like, I'm

754
00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:13,320
Speaker 1: gonna be amazing with him. He's gonna love me, and

755
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:16,640
Speaker 1: that's gonna cure all. Like subconsciously, I didn't consciously think this.

756
00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:19,480
Speaker 1: This is insane to say out loud, but it's.

757
00:40:19,280 --> 00:40:21,200
Speaker 3: Insane, but it's really kind of common.

758
00:40:21,239 --> 00:40:25,120
Speaker 2: I think everybody. It's childhood trauma. It's different versions of childhood.

759
00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:27,359
Speaker 1: I realized, well, my mother's still alive, maybe I can

760
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:31,200
Speaker 1: work on this with her. But that yeah, I did.

761
00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:36,000
Speaker 1: I did, and she had she has her limitations. I

762
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:37,840
Speaker 1: have to be real about it. She has her limitations,

763
00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:41,880
Speaker 1: and like the I think this is funny. But years

764
00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:44,479
Speaker 1: years after I came out to her as trans she said,

765
00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:48,120
Speaker 1: you know, like maybe like seven years afterwards, she said,

766
00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:50,640
Speaker 1: you know, I went to therapy for two years to

767
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:54,840
Speaker 1: deal with your your transients. And I was like, I

768
00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:57,600
Speaker 1: was like, Wow. In my mind, I'm thinking, girl, that's

769
00:40:57,640 --> 00:41:01,400
Speaker 1: the least of your problems, my transfer. And that's not

770
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:05,239
Speaker 1: to be shady, I just but it's like my grandfather

771
00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:09,640
Speaker 1: grew up on a plantation and he was beaten, and.

772
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:13,480
Speaker 3: Your grandmother was an abusive relationship with with him, with

773
00:41:13,520 --> 00:41:15,120
Speaker 3: my with my grandfather JP.

774
00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:19,239
Speaker 1: But also she got married at twelve years old to

775
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:22,960
Speaker 1: flee a stepfather who was abusing her. I mean that's

776
00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:26,280
Speaker 1: I mean women getting getting married at like twelve thirteen

777
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,560
Speaker 1: in the South and like the early nineteen hundreds was

778
00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:32,480
Speaker 1: like standard. So she's flee she's fleeing as an abusive

779
00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:34,600
Speaker 1: man and then gets into a relationship Mary as a

780
00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:36,120
Speaker 1: man who's way older than her.

781
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:36,960
Speaker 3: That's abusive.

782
00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:39,479
Speaker 1: She's singles, she has a couple of kids, she gets

783
00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:40,839
Speaker 1: her stuff together.

784
00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:41,880
Speaker 3: And then JP comes along.

785
00:41:42,040 --> 00:41:45,040
Speaker 1: Wow, And and so this is what my mother is

786
00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:47,840
Speaker 1: born into and that abuse that he learned in the

787
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:51,000
Speaker 1: plantation he passed on to my grandmother and to his children,

788
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:54,120
Speaker 1: my mother, and that's what she passed on.

789
00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:56,880
Speaker 3: And so like you give her a grace for that.

790
00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:59,799
Speaker 1: Absolutely, when I learned all this, I was just And

791
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:02,400
Speaker 1: then even things that I will never talk about that

792
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:04,640
Speaker 1: she endured in her life.

793
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:09,040
Speaker 3: It's amazing. It's my mother's amazing.

794
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:11,360
Speaker 1: She put her even with all that she put herself

795
00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:16,279
Speaker 1: through undergrad graduate school, she bought her up, pay for

796
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:20,040
Speaker 1: a house full out, raised two kids, you know, from nothing,

797
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:25,160
Speaker 1: like from nothing and still a lot of unprocessed trauma,

798
00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:29,600
Speaker 1: which is which makes me really sad. But I think that,

799
00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:34,760
Speaker 1: like it's just so much so many women people, period,

800
00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:38,280
Speaker 1: but so many Black women. My mom is in her seventies,

801
00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:41,640
Speaker 1: like dealt with so much, especially in the South, and

802
00:42:41,719 --> 00:42:48,000
Speaker 1: the depths of like misogyny and paid racism colliding. Is like,

803
00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:53,920
Speaker 1: it's kind of amazing that she's even still standing.

804
00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:55,000
Speaker 3: It's remarkable.

805
00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:59,240
Speaker 2: And she was singled four jobs raising two kids, probably

806
00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:00,880
Speaker 2: had no experience.

807
00:43:01,239 --> 00:43:03,840
Speaker 3: I mean, I don't even think for them in their generation,

808
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:07,719
Speaker 3: even the word transgender was a like was she even new?

809
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:08,880
Speaker 3: She couldn't wrap.

810
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:11,960
Speaker 2: Her brain around raising a transgender child or what that

811
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:15,640
Speaker 2: would require, Well, what type of I mean, you see

812
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:18,080
Speaker 2: now there are there's so many resources.

813
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:19,880
Speaker 3: I mean, there's so many we're talking.

814
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:22,080
Speaker 1: I mean when I when I was eight years old

815
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:24,400
Speaker 1: and Miss Ridgeway, it's like your son is gonna end

816
00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:26,319
Speaker 1: up and you one was wearing your dress. We don't

817
00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:29,040
Speaker 1: get into therapy right away. That was nineteen eighty. That's

818
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:31,080
Speaker 1: what I was eight years old. I was, that was

819
00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:31,800
Speaker 1: nineteen eighty.

820
00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:34,600
Speaker 3: And what did that do to you when you hear that?

821
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 1: I mean I told it like it's a joke for

822
00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:39,960
Speaker 1: a while, a lot a lot of years. And then

823
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:41,919
Speaker 1: when I dug deep out with some of the stuff,

824
00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:45,440
Speaker 1: I started remembering, Oh god, that's some of the stuff

825
00:43:45,440 --> 00:43:48,239
Speaker 1: I started remembering when I was writing the book, and

826
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:51,040
Speaker 1: that that was like the turning point for me in

827
00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:53,319
Speaker 1: my childhood, where Like before that, I was just kind

828
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:55,279
Speaker 1: of free. I like danced around all the time and

829
00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:59,520
Speaker 1: I was just myself. And after that it was like

830
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:05,320
Speaker 1: me fanning myself like scarlettle Haare from Gone with the

831
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:12,480
Speaker 1: Wind in class started like this whole family emergency and

832
00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:15,880
Speaker 1: like stressed my mother out and like I have to

833
00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:17,560
Speaker 1: go to a therapist, and my mother can't even know

834
00:44:17,719 --> 00:44:20,640
Speaker 1: how she can afford a therapist, and people are talking

835
00:44:20,680 --> 00:44:24,279
Speaker 1: about her. And I was like a prid. My mother

836
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:26,719
Speaker 1: didn't have time for a problem. She was trying to

837
00:44:26,719 --> 00:44:30,160
Speaker 1: support two kids and make ends me. She couldn't pay rent.

838
00:44:30,239 --> 00:44:31,640
Speaker 1: Sometimes she didn't have time.

839
00:44:31,480 --> 00:44:36,440
Speaker 3: For so I didn't want to be a problem.

840
00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 1: And all of a sudden, because I wanted to fan

841
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:41,680
Speaker 1: myself like scarlettle Hair, I was a problem and I

842
00:44:41,719 --> 00:44:46,640
Speaker 1: had to be fixed and so that so then I

843
00:44:46,680 --> 00:44:48,479
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, I'm going to try, you know. That's

844
00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:51,400
Speaker 1: when I started censoring myself and started trying to like

845
00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:56,240
Speaker 1: rain in my mannerisms and rain like and just start

846
00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:59,040
Speaker 1: looking at myself from the outside so I wouldn't.

847
00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:02,279
Speaker 3: Present a certain w Probably I did a terrible job

848
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:05,520
Speaker 3: of it. I can't imagine I did a terrible job

849
00:45:05,560 --> 00:45:07,280
Speaker 3: of it. But like the shame.

850
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:11,280
Speaker 1: It was the shame that I am unworthy of connection

851
00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:14,320
Speaker 1: and belonging because I am this way that's very natural

852
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:16,400
Speaker 1: for me, and so that was.

853
00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:19,800
Speaker 3: It was. It was awful.

854
00:45:20,239 --> 00:45:22,680
Speaker 1: And talking to my brother about it, I mean, just

855
00:45:22,719 --> 00:45:25,040
Speaker 1: the intellectual part of me, I think I go between

856
00:45:25,080 --> 00:45:27,000
Speaker 1: like emotion into like that's why I talk too much

857
00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:31,920
Speaker 1: and sometimes ramble. But my brother, like years later we

858
00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:37,120
Speaker 1: talked about like how that affected him and they for him,

859
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:40,040
Speaker 1: he was like, oh, I really need to like and

860
00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:43,920
Speaker 1: like butcher up as much as possible, and because I

861
00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:48,160
Speaker 1: was like getting it from all sides. And what that

862
00:45:48,239 --> 00:45:50,560
Speaker 1: taught him is that like he really needed to like

863
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:54,840
Speaker 1: stay within the lines of like gender and whatever.

864
00:45:55,280 --> 00:45:57,040
Speaker 3: But then he also it.

865
00:45:58,200 --> 00:46:01,880
Speaker 2: Isn't that interesting though, how you are experience. This is

866
00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:04,200
Speaker 2: your experience. I mean, this book is really your experience.

867
00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:05,560
Speaker 3: But you'll read.

868
00:46:05,440 --> 00:46:08,800
Speaker 2: Them, but even from that their viewpoint.

869
00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:12,080
Speaker 1: But it's it within the resentment that he developed towards

870
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:17,560
Speaker 1: mother because of how she treated me. I think him

871
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:21,359
Speaker 1: he doesn't talk to my mother still, and it's for

872
00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:25,000
Speaker 1: his own reasons, but I think it feels it feels

873
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:32,919
Speaker 1: like it's also partly how she treated me, and he's

874
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:36,319
Speaker 1: forgiven her, but he just feels like he doesn't need

875
00:46:36,360 --> 00:46:39,440
Speaker 1: her in his life. And I just can never imagine

876
00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:44,120
Speaker 1: not having my mother in my life. I meet, you

877
00:46:44,160 --> 00:46:45,239
Speaker 1: meet your parents where they are.

878
00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:47,560
Speaker 3: Have you never thought about interjecting and trying to.

879
00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:51,560
Speaker 1: I was caught in the middle for a really long time,

880
00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:53,239
Speaker 1: and I feel like that was a lot of the

881
00:46:53,320 --> 00:46:56,239
Speaker 1: dynamic in our family, and at a certain point I

882
00:46:56,360 --> 00:46:58,000
Speaker 1: was just I had to draw a boundary and I

883
00:46:58,000 --> 00:47:00,600
Speaker 1: had to be like, please don't ask me about him.

884
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:04,080
Speaker 3: You know, do you feel any guilt about that?

885
00:47:05,120 --> 00:47:09,120
Speaker 1: No, I've learned not to feel guilt about taking care

886
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:12,040
Speaker 1: of myself. And this is what this is what therapy

887
00:47:12,040 --> 00:47:15,920
Speaker 1: has taught me that like, this is that drawing boundaries.

888
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:16,880
Speaker 3: Please tell me that again.

889
00:47:17,680 --> 00:47:21,760
Speaker 1: I've learned to not feel guilt for taking care of myself.

890
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:24,360
Speaker 3: I don't have cares just for whoever needs that.

891
00:47:24,640 --> 00:47:28,839
Speaker 1: Boundaries of Like Brennan Brown says, the most compassionate people

892
00:47:28,880 --> 00:47:32,360
Speaker 1: are the most boundaried. And I feel that in my

893
00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:36,360
Speaker 1: spirit because I do feel like there's so much I

894
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:40,440
Speaker 1: have so much love and grace for people. And I

895
00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:43,840
Speaker 1: think that's because I have boundaries.

896
00:47:43,880 --> 00:47:46,120
Speaker 3: Girls, Good for you. I'm working on it. I'm working

897
00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:47,200
Speaker 3: on mine. It's really hard.

898
00:47:47,239 --> 00:47:50,160
Speaker 1: What I ask you, what do you feel like you're

899
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:52,640
Speaker 1: struggling with? In terms of boundaries, I'm just learning them now.

900
00:47:52,680 --> 00:47:55,840
Speaker 2: Because I make excuses for people a lot, because I

901
00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:59,319
Speaker 2: have some compassionate person, I also realize everybody is just.

902
00:47:59,239 --> 00:48:02,720
Speaker 1: A piece for a friend, excuses for family, everybody people,

903
00:48:02,760 --> 00:48:06,360
Speaker 1: and so I allow things to happen around people around me,

904
00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:08,480
Speaker 1: and I make excuses for people because.

905
00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:12,759
Speaker 2: Oh they have this, or oh they just because they

906
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:14,960
Speaker 2: experience this, that's why they're like that.

907
00:48:15,000 --> 00:48:17,280
Speaker 3: But then in the meantime, you let that happen to you.

908
00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:19,120
Speaker 2: If you have people in your life and you allow

909
00:48:19,239 --> 00:48:22,279
Speaker 2: certain behaviors, you're kind of allowing that to happen to you,

910
00:48:22,360 --> 00:48:25,360
Speaker 2: even though you're it's you're framing it around giving people grace,

911
00:48:25,880 --> 00:48:29,279
Speaker 2: which I like to give people grace, but that only

912
00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:33,000
Speaker 2: works if you are conscious about the boundaries of.

913
00:48:34,120 --> 00:48:37,200
Speaker 1: But another Venet Brown moment that's so iconic, she was

914
00:48:37,600 --> 00:48:41,600
Speaker 1: doing a workshop with this episcopal church in some of

915
00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:44,160
Speaker 1: w She's a qualitative researcher, so she like based the

916
00:48:44,239 --> 00:48:47,400
Speaker 1: research on people's lived experiences, and she asked the question

917
00:48:47,520 --> 00:48:51,759
Speaker 1: in the group, like deacons and episcoal ministers, do you

918
00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:55,120
Speaker 1: believe people are doing the best that they can and

919
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:59,160
Speaker 1: or do you believe people are doing the best doing

920
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:03,160
Speaker 1: everything they can and to pish you off, and you know,

921
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:05,480
Speaker 1: people were like, I like to believe people are doing

922
00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:07,160
Speaker 1: the best they can. And then and then it was like,

923
00:49:07,200 --> 00:49:08,840
Speaker 1: if they're a person in your life, you think is

924
00:49:08,920 --> 00:49:11,440
Speaker 1: just doing everything they can to piss you off. Writes

925
00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:14,840
Speaker 1: the person's name down, and then and then they write

926
00:49:15,040 --> 00:49:18,719
Speaker 1: everybody writes the person's name down. Now, can you imagine

927
00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:20,960
Speaker 1: that this person's doing the very best that they can?

928
00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:24,080
Speaker 1: And then like a few people started crying. Renee, It's like,

929
00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:25,800
Speaker 1: why are you crying? And like there was his husband

930
00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:28,239
Speaker 1: and wife who wrote down the same person and it

931
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:32,880
Speaker 1: was their I think their daughter or niece or someone

932
00:49:32,920 --> 00:49:35,560
Speaker 1: who they had had a daughter. She was a drug

933
00:49:35,560 --> 00:49:38,400
Speaker 1: addict and they were constantly giving her money, sending her

934
00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:42,359
Speaker 1: to rehab to try to get her better, and it

935
00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:45,399
Speaker 1: wasn't working, and they were just frustrated and angry and

936
00:49:45,440 --> 00:49:50,480
Speaker 1: like just resentful. And Renee's like, if she's doing the

937
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:54,200
Speaker 1: best that she can, what then do you need to do?

938
00:49:55,239 --> 00:49:57,680
Speaker 1: Then we can't give her any money anymore. If this

939
00:49:57,719 --> 00:49:59,319
Speaker 1: is the best she can do, she's going to spend

940
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:01,400
Speaker 1: that money on drug. I can't give her any money anymore.

941
00:50:01,960 --> 00:50:05,799
Speaker 1: I can't keep investing my energy and time into her

942
00:50:05,880 --> 00:50:11,799
Speaker 1: because she's going to continue to disappoint me and put

943
00:50:12,320 --> 00:50:17,319
Speaker 1: us in painful situations. So if she's doing the best

944
00:50:17,400 --> 00:50:19,279
Speaker 1: that she can, and we assume that people are doing

945
00:50:19,280 --> 00:50:21,400
Speaker 1: the best she can. Then that means I can't be

946
00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:23,960
Speaker 1: in your life that if this is the best that

947
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:29,600
Speaker 1: you can do, I understand, but this is not good

948
00:50:29,640 --> 00:50:33,359
Speaker 1: for me. This is going to trigger old patterns, this

949
00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:36,520
Speaker 1: is going to have me. You have to take care

950
00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:40,440
Speaker 1: that's really and so that that's a place of compassion

951
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:42,560
Speaker 1: for for for them, but also for yourself.

952
00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:45,200
Speaker 3: And it's not it's not a mean thing.

953
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:47,680
Speaker 1: It's just like I can't pour for a minute to

954
00:50:47,760 --> 00:50:51,279
Speaker 1: cup if I'm if I can be if I'm going

955
00:50:51,320 --> 00:50:53,160
Speaker 1: to be of service in the world, I have to

956
00:50:53,239 --> 00:50:55,279
Speaker 1: fill up my cup and the overflows for everyone else.

957
00:50:55,320 --> 00:50:56,560
Speaker 1: And I can't fill up my cup if I have

958
00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:59,720
Speaker 1: people in my life that are draining me and sucking

959
00:50:59,719 --> 00:51:04,920
Speaker 1: me and have me in resentment and anger. Then so

960
00:51:05,160 --> 00:51:07,680
Speaker 1: with great boundaries that can be more compassionate.

961
00:51:08,840 --> 00:51:10,840
Speaker 3: I'm going to take that with me today. Thank you.

962
00:51:11,200 --> 00:51:13,520
Speaker 2: By the way, the What's wrong with Me part of

963
00:51:13,600 --> 00:51:16,279
Speaker 2: the book, I think all of us should take this

964
00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:18,800
Speaker 2: time in our life to and write. Even if you

965
00:51:18,800 --> 00:51:21,480
Speaker 2: don't write a full book, write a few chapters on

966
00:51:21,640 --> 00:51:23,600
Speaker 2: like that part of your life, because like how you

967
00:51:23,640 --> 00:51:28,040
Speaker 2: talk about how What's wrong with Me period informed some

968
00:51:28,120 --> 00:51:32,040
Speaker 2: of the menu, dated informed, how you're managing your mom

969
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:33,799
Speaker 2: and your relationship with your brother.

970
00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:35,360
Speaker 3: Now kind of everything.

971
00:51:35,480 --> 00:51:38,520
Speaker 2: It kind of informs everything. First of all, there's so

972
00:51:38,640 --> 00:51:45,280
Speaker 2: many I mean, you talk about suicide, attempt abuse, bullying,

973
00:51:45,360 --> 00:51:47,480
Speaker 2: even the moment. I mean, there's a page in here

974
00:51:47,520 --> 00:51:51,920
Speaker 2: I had marked it about you going through puberty, and

975
00:51:51,960 --> 00:51:54,960
Speaker 2: I can only imagine we were talking about this before

976
00:51:54,960 --> 00:52:00,240
Speaker 2: in the back. You know, when you're thirteen years old

977
00:52:00,760 --> 00:52:03,759
Speaker 2: and you're straight, I don't. I'm not thinking about my

978
00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:05,000
Speaker 2: sexuality as a kid.

979
00:52:05,320 --> 00:52:06,839
Speaker 3: I wasn't thinking about sexuality either.

980
00:52:06,880 --> 00:52:10,520
Speaker 1: I was called that's what I mean word a sissy

981
00:52:10,640 --> 00:52:12,480
Speaker 1: from my first interactions with kids.

982
00:52:12,560 --> 00:52:15,359
Speaker 3: That's what I mean that you were forced to look

983
00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:17,359
Speaker 3: at sexuality. But for me, I don't.

984
00:52:17,480 --> 00:52:19,960
Speaker 1: I don't think it was actually about sex when I

985
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:21,759
Speaker 1: was three years old, when I was fir, I think

986
00:52:21,760 --> 00:52:24,960
Speaker 1: it was about me being feminine, right, and like, because

987
00:52:25,120 --> 00:52:30,160
Speaker 1: people conflate gender and sexual gender, I genating sexuality because

988
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:32,960
Speaker 1: I was a very feminine kid. That's why they called

989
00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:35,600
Speaker 1: me the sissy and the effort and didn't force.

990
00:52:35,400 --> 00:52:37,439
Speaker 2: You to think about it sooner than maybe you would

991
00:52:37,520 --> 00:52:40,080
Speaker 2: have because of other people's kind of.

992
00:52:40,760 --> 00:52:46,399
Speaker 1: I so initially it was just it was like these kids,

993
00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:48,640
Speaker 1: I don't have time for these kids. But I also

994
00:52:48,840 --> 00:52:51,319
Speaker 1: like the irony of my life is that when I

995
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:55,399
Speaker 1: was a kid, the other kids called me a girl,

996
00:52:55,440 --> 00:52:57,600
Speaker 1: and when I transition, people call me a man.

997
00:52:58,160 --> 00:53:00,000
Speaker 3: And but that's that's the true.

998
00:53:00,160 --> 00:53:01,919
Speaker 1: And then like even there were so many trans women

999
00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:05,040
Speaker 1: when I posted that, they were like, that's my experience too.

1000
00:53:05,400 --> 00:53:07,600
Speaker 1: So it's really it was about my gender expression. That

1001
00:53:07,680 --> 00:53:11,400
Speaker 1: I was a very feminine child and because I was

1002
00:53:11,440 --> 00:53:13,759
Speaker 1: assigned mail at birth, they said to see, they said

1003
00:53:13,880 --> 00:53:15,880
Speaker 1: f worth, they said queer, and so like for me,

1004
00:53:16,880 --> 00:53:19,200
Speaker 1: I didn't even know what these were the first time

1005
00:53:19,239 --> 00:53:20,919
Speaker 1: I heard these words, I didn't know what they were.

1006
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:22,520
Speaker 1: How did a three year old and five year old

1007
00:53:22,600 --> 00:53:24,560
Speaker 1: know what? As I knew it wasn't good.

1008
00:53:24,680 --> 00:53:27,239
Speaker 3: They weren't saying it, it was it was not a

1009
00:53:27,239 --> 00:53:30,759
Speaker 3: good thing. And then I just was like screw them.

1010
00:53:31,360 --> 00:53:36,000
Speaker 1: Like, but I also like knew that I was a

1011
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:38,560
Speaker 1: girl too, But I also like knew that people were

1012
00:53:38,560 --> 00:53:40,799
Speaker 1: telling me I was a boy. So what I like,

1013
00:53:40,840 --> 00:53:43,719
Speaker 1: I'm aware now that as an adult like that, that

1014
00:53:43,719 --> 00:53:49,960
Speaker 1: that awareness made me question everything from a really early

1015
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:52,640
Speaker 1: age and like and that's a good thing.

1016
00:53:52,920 --> 00:53:55,759
Speaker 3: This is a good thing, questioning like what people are

1017
00:53:55,800 --> 00:53:56,319
Speaker 3: telling you.

1018
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:58,719
Speaker 1: Like when you know something about yourself and you know

1019
00:53:58,800 --> 00:54:01,040
Speaker 1: something to be true and then people are telling you

1020
00:54:01,040 --> 00:54:04,440
Speaker 1: the opposite, it's like, I just feel like maybe it

1021
00:54:04,440 --> 00:54:05,359
Speaker 1: really forces you to.

1022
00:54:05,320 --> 00:54:08,400
Speaker 3: Grow up faster than you should be forced to.

1023
00:54:09,400 --> 00:54:11,320
Speaker 1: I certainly didn't feel like a child when I was

1024
00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:14,000
Speaker 1: a child, and a lot of my I still need

1025
00:54:14,000 --> 00:54:16,120
Speaker 1: to give myself to play time and still need to

1026
00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:20,120
Speaker 1: give myself like give my inner child, like yeah space. Yeah,

1027
00:54:20,160 --> 00:54:23,480
Speaker 1: I definitely did not. I was not a child when

1028
00:54:23,520 --> 00:54:26,200
Speaker 1: I was a child. Yeah, that makes me sad.

1029
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:29,200
Speaker 3: For you like that, for or for children in that situation.

1030
00:54:30,120 --> 00:54:32,279
Speaker 1: It is what it is, Yes, I mean it is.

1031
00:54:32,360 --> 00:54:35,520
Speaker 1: I mean that's my life. And but it's never too

1032
00:54:35,560 --> 00:54:38,640
Speaker 1: late to have a happy childhood, you know. That's like

1033
00:54:39,120 --> 00:54:41,399
Speaker 1: one of the things in therapy. But it's true. Like

1034
00:54:41,400 --> 00:54:44,120
Speaker 1: like years ago at therapist is like you know your

1035
00:54:44,120 --> 00:54:46,240
Speaker 1: mother in lawe, we have all buy yourself a barbie

1036
00:54:46,320 --> 00:54:47,360
Speaker 1: and play with their undresser.

1037
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:48,680
Speaker 3: And I was just like I can do that.

1038
00:54:49,840 --> 00:54:52,400
Speaker 1: I was like yeah, And I was like and I did,

1039
00:54:52,600 --> 00:54:54,600
Speaker 1: and I have and it's awesome And now I have

1040
00:54:54,640 --> 00:55:00,000
Speaker 1: a Lavernecox barbie from Mattel, Yeah, which is pretty awesome.

1041
00:55:00,280 --> 00:55:02,880
Speaker 1: I love the first trans person to have a Mattel

1042
00:55:02,920 --> 00:55:06,960
Speaker 1: Barbie doll. So it's so you can that's and that's

1043
00:55:07,000 --> 00:55:09,399
Speaker 1: for me. I think one of the biggest lessons maybe

1044
00:55:09,440 --> 00:55:11,080
Speaker 1: from the book that I want to There's so many

1045
00:55:11,080 --> 00:55:13,360
Speaker 1: things I want to say to people. But like I,

1046
00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:17,640
Speaker 1: as a child, I was defenseless. I was not responsible.

1047
00:55:17,680 --> 00:55:21,839
Speaker 1: I couldn't consent. But once I'm an adult, I'm responsible

1048
00:55:21,880 --> 00:55:25,239
Speaker 1: for my life. I'm responsible for how I respond to

1049
00:55:25,280 --> 00:55:28,080
Speaker 1: my childhood, for the situations that I put myself in.

1050
00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:32,800
Speaker 1: I am responsible, so I to heal, to heal. Yes,

1051
00:55:32,880 --> 00:55:34,840
Speaker 1: this happened to me because my mother did this, and

1052
00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:37,400
Speaker 1: this person abused me, and this all the and we

1053
00:55:37,440 --> 00:55:40,520
Speaker 1: were pool. All these things happened. But I'm an adult

1054
00:55:40,560 --> 00:55:42,719
Speaker 1: now and I'm responsible for my life and I have

1055
00:55:42,760 --> 00:55:46,200
Speaker 1: to take accountability for my life and responsibility for it.

1056
00:55:46,280 --> 00:55:50,240
Speaker 1: There are systemic things that are that's real, but that's

1057
00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:55,520
Speaker 1: what's my fifty percent. What can I control and so like, yeah,

1058
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:57,040
Speaker 1: all these things happen, but I don't have to be

1059
00:55:57,040 --> 00:55:59,640
Speaker 1: defined by them. Yeah. Another part of healing from trauma

1060
00:55:59,719 --> 00:56:02,560
Speaker 1: is like a lot of trauma survivors are overly either

1061
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:04,520
Speaker 1: they deny the trauma happened, which is what I did

1062
00:56:04,560 --> 00:56:07,239
Speaker 1: for a really long time, or once they acknowledge it,

1063
00:56:07,239 --> 00:56:10,719
Speaker 1: they're overly defined by it. By building trauma, resilience is like,

1064
00:56:11,160 --> 00:56:15,040
Speaker 1: this happened, and it's in the proper time place in

1065
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:17,719
Speaker 1: your timeline because like usually, because the nervous system doesn't

1066
00:56:17,719 --> 00:56:19,880
Speaker 1: know if a trauma happened twenty years ago, so once triggered,

1067
00:56:19,920 --> 00:56:22,160
Speaker 1: the nervous system ex means is that it's happening right now,

1068
00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:27,480
Speaker 1: which is great for acting, terrible for real life, so terrible,

1069
00:56:27,600 --> 00:56:28,520
Speaker 1: really terrible for real.

1070
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:30,919
Speaker 3: Lives while you're a great actress, but you get it.

1071
00:56:30,840 --> 00:56:34,400
Speaker 1: In the right timeline in your life, so that this happened.

1072
00:56:34,400 --> 00:56:37,520
Speaker 1: But I'm not defined by that, this thing that happened

1073
00:56:37,520 --> 00:56:40,319
Speaker 1: to me. I'm not defined by that. I'm defined by

1074
00:56:41,040 --> 00:56:45,080
Speaker 1: the choices I make and by my resilience and.

1075
00:56:46,920 --> 00:56:51,000
Speaker 3: How I rewrite the story. Good for you, Yeah, second

1076
00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:55,440
Speaker 3: part what happened to me? Yeah, is the second part

1077
00:56:55,600 --> 00:56:56,560
Speaker 3: where there's reflection.

1078
00:56:56,760 --> 00:56:59,600
Speaker 2: Now you're like, hey, wait a minute, some of the

1079
00:56:59,640 --> 00:57:02,839
Speaker 2: shit wasn't right, and then your course correcting or you're

1080
00:57:03,200 --> 00:57:06,480
Speaker 2: you're trying to you're at least trying to course correct

1081
00:57:06,719 --> 00:57:10,799
Speaker 2: or grab hold of your own life the beginnings of that.

1082
00:57:10,880 --> 00:57:11,759
Speaker 3: You come to New York.

1083
00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:15,120
Speaker 2: It's kind of like that moment right coming to New

1084
00:57:15,160 --> 00:57:20,960
Speaker 2: York in the nineties. Oh as like what twentyety three,

1085
00:57:21,400 --> 00:57:26,120
Speaker 2: nineteen ninety three, By the way, New York at that time,

1086
00:57:26,760 --> 00:57:28,440
Speaker 2: the gay clubs in New York at that time.

1087
00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:30,760
Speaker 3: Your native or your native New York in Native New York.

1088
00:57:30,760 --> 00:57:32,640
Speaker 3: I was in the streets in the nineties. So do

1089
00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:36,680
Speaker 3: you disclose your age? I'm fifty four tomorrow, Okay, So

1090
00:57:37,360 --> 00:57:39,240
Speaker 3: what I'm telling you is I was in New York.

1091
00:57:39,520 --> 00:57:42,280
Speaker 3: Now I'm straight, but I know I was in the

1092
00:57:42,280 --> 00:57:44,800
Speaker 3: gay clubs too in the nineties. Because the gay clubs

1093
00:57:44,800 --> 00:57:46,680
Speaker 3: in the nineties was well, all the good parties.

1094
00:57:47,120 --> 00:57:50,200
Speaker 1: I feel like the parties were all integrated. When that's what.

1095
00:57:50,120 --> 00:57:52,800
Speaker 3: I mean, every time a time was being had.

1096
00:57:53,040 --> 00:57:58,120
Speaker 1: Limelight when I arrived in twenty three, Limelight discut two thousand.

1097
00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:00,480
Speaker 1: On Wednesdays, it was all the bridge and tunnel like

1098
00:58:00,520 --> 00:58:03,720
Speaker 1: straight folks and then like the club kids and drag queens,

1099
00:58:04,040 --> 00:58:06,760
Speaker 1: everybody parties together in the night was like I'm Cafe

1100
00:58:06,760 --> 00:58:14,600
Speaker 1: con leche. Oh that's a whole Another book Caffee Collection girl,

1101
00:58:15,480 --> 00:58:18,800
Speaker 1: but everybody literally Joey Rowland, who was one of the

1102
00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:21,320
Speaker 1: party promoters, I did a song called the Gays, the Straights,

1103
00:58:21,320 --> 00:58:24,040
Speaker 1: Bisexual Strength, Sexuals, We're here, We're all here, Cafe con

1104
00:58:24,120 --> 00:58:28,240
Speaker 1: Leeche with it. Moved several different locations, but everybody party together.

1105
00:58:28,440 --> 00:58:30,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I know I was in those parties. I

1106
00:58:30,160 --> 00:58:32,920
Speaker 2: always remember time in New York. The club seating of

1107
00:58:32,920 --> 00:58:34,520
Speaker 2: New York was amazing at that time.

1108
00:58:34,840 --> 00:58:36,920
Speaker 3: So you've what a wonderful time to be in New York, right,

1109
00:58:36,920 --> 00:58:38,400
Speaker 3: I a wonderful time to be in New York. But

1110
00:58:38,440 --> 00:58:39,840
Speaker 3: also especially if you're.

1111
00:58:41,160 --> 00:58:43,560
Speaker 2: You hadn't you hadn't transitioned yet at that time, so

1112
00:58:43,600 --> 00:58:45,040
Speaker 2: you're a young man at that time.

1113
00:58:45,080 --> 00:58:46,800
Speaker 1: Well, I was gender non I would say I was

1114
00:58:46,840 --> 00:58:49,160
Speaker 1: gender not conforming when I moved to New York. I

1115
00:58:49,200 --> 00:58:51,800
Speaker 1: started wearing when I went to boarding school, when I

1116
00:58:51,800 --> 00:58:53,600
Speaker 1: was the outbum school of Fine Arts, I started like

1117
00:58:53,640 --> 00:58:56,880
Speaker 1: wearing women's and girls clothes, my colored, my Salvation HARMANI

1118
00:58:57,400 --> 00:58:59,480
Speaker 1: like not a dress because I was terrified of ending

1119
00:58:59,520 --> 00:59:00,920
Speaker 1: of the new one's wearing a dress. But like I

1120
00:59:00,960 --> 00:59:03,680
Speaker 1: started wearing coulottes and bail bottoms, and I started wearing

1121
00:59:03,720 --> 00:59:08,680
Speaker 1: makeup and shaving my brows and wearing lashes every day.

1122
00:59:08,760 --> 00:59:10,520
Speaker 1: So like that evolved. And so by the time I

1123
00:59:10,800 --> 00:59:13,320
Speaker 1: moved to New York, I had a lash on every day.

1124
00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:16,600
Speaker 1: I had a shaved head, I would draw in my brows,

1125
00:59:16,880 --> 00:59:19,280
Speaker 1: had a beat face, you know, every day. And I

1126
00:59:19,320 --> 00:59:21,760
Speaker 1: had my very andros and as we call it, gender

1127
00:59:21,800 --> 00:59:24,320
Speaker 1: not conforming now, but when I arrived in New York,

1128
00:59:24,400 --> 00:59:27,640
Speaker 1: I was gender. I was gender not conforming and had

1129
00:59:27,680 --> 00:59:30,600
Speaker 1: my look and that's and I was rocking it. And

1130
00:59:30,680 --> 00:59:33,200
Speaker 1: it was I was harassed in the street during the day,

1131
00:59:33,520 --> 00:59:35,240
Speaker 1: but at nighttime I would go to Limelight and they

1132
00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:36,560
Speaker 1: let me ride in. I go to Webt to Hall,

1133
00:59:36,600 --> 00:59:39,120
Speaker 1: they let me ride in, Flamingo East, all the all

1134
00:59:39,160 --> 00:59:39,760
Speaker 1: the spots.

1135
00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:43,960
Speaker 3: So it was like when the night fell, I was

1136
00:59:44,200 --> 00:59:45,560
Speaker 3: I was a celebrity. I was a star.

1137
00:59:45,800 --> 00:59:49,200
Speaker 1: I was like the reason the party that the club

1138
00:59:49,280 --> 00:59:52,080
Speaker 1: kids like, they weren't club kids at your party. It

1139
00:59:52,160 --> 00:59:55,520
Speaker 1: wasn't a party, right of course. So it was a

1140
00:59:55,560 --> 00:59:57,120
Speaker 1: wonderful thing to be celebrating.

1141
00:59:57,840 --> 00:59:58,160
Speaker 3: Girl.

1142
00:59:58,280 --> 01:00:00,720
Speaker 1: It was wonderful to be celebrated for something I was

1143
01:00:00,720 --> 01:00:02,959
Speaker 1: bullied for and still, you know, harassment on the street

1144
01:00:03,000 --> 01:00:05,520
Speaker 1: during the day but at night it was magical.

1145
01:00:05,680 --> 01:00:08,080
Speaker 3: And I would imagine a lot of that informed your career,

1146
01:00:08,200 --> 01:00:12,960
Speaker 3: right because you're finding you're starting to express yourself.

1147
01:00:12,960 --> 01:00:16,800
Speaker 1: And and RuPaul had just like become an international like

1148
01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:19,439
Speaker 1: phenomenon when I moved to New York and Club Kids

1149
01:00:19,480 --> 01:00:21,880
Speaker 1: were on the Joan Rivers and like I before I

1150
01:00:21,920 --> 01:00:23,640
Speaker 1: moved to New York and imember seeing Richie rich and

1151
01:00:23,680 --> 01:00:26,480
Speaker 1: Tobell who I became friends with, and Amanda Lapour on

1152
01:00:26,800 --> 01:00:28,919
Speaker 1: Joan Rivers show and Paris is Burning it come out,

1153
01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:31,840
Speaker 1: So there was it was a it was a time

1154
01:00:31,880 --> 01:00:34,360
Speaker 1: to be in New York and to be in that scene.

1155
01:00:34,720 --> 01:00:38,520
Speaker 2: It was the time to birth you, yeah, and kind

1156
01:00:38,520 --> 01:00:40,000
Speaker 2: of give you wings to become.

1157
01:00:40,640 --> 01:00:40,880
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1158
01:00:41,080 --> 01:00:44,080
Speaker 1: I came here feeling like look like I'm like, oh

1159
01:00:44,200 --> 01:00:46,360
Speaker 1: my people are there. I always knew New York, even

1160
01:00:46,440 --> 01:00:48,960
Speaker 1: before before knew anything about Club Kids, I knew it

1161
01:00:49,000 --> 01:00:51,760
Speaker 1: was New York. The second I discovered Fame, that TV

1162
01:00:51,840 --> 01:00:55,520
Speaker 1: show and movie from the eighties, I was like, New York.

1163
01:00:55,920 --> 01:00:59,640
Speaker 1: That's where I'm then need to be, Like Imeen eight yeah,

1164
01:01:00,040 --> 01:01:01,919
Speaker 1: eight years old. I would have been eight nine years

1165
01:01:01,920 --> 01:01:03,040
Speaker 1: old when thing came up.

1166
01:01:03,280 --> 01:01:05,520
Speaker 3: Did you have an understanding at that time?

1167
01:01:07,480 --> 01:01:11,160
Speaker 2: That there was room for somebody because while you said

1168
01:01:11,160 --> 01:01:13,280
Speaker 2: there was rue Paul, and there was some.

1169
01:01:13,480 --> 01:01:15,919
Speaker 3: Rue Paul was later was in the nineties, but later.

1170
01:01:16,040 --> 01:01:20,600
Speaker 2: But I'm just saying representation was scarce for sure, you

1171
01:01:20,640 --> 01:01:24,080
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying, especially trans representation. I didn't I

1172
01:01:24,360 --> 01:01:27,360
Speaker 2: we didn't see that on a mainstream scale. Were you

1173
01:01:27,440 --> 01:01:30,280
Speaker 2: already starting to understand the idea that you could be,

1174
01:01:30,400 --> 01:01:32,800
Speaker 2: that that you could actually change basically?

1175
01:01:32,840 --> 01:01:35,680
Speaker 1: I think I think about when when I sat when

1176
01:01:35,720 --> 01:01:38,480
Speaker 1: boy George lay in Culture Club became they were huge

1177
01:01:38,640 --> 01:01:40,760
Speaker 1: in the early eighties, and I was like, okay, and

1178
01:01:40,800 --> 01:01:43,480
Speaker 1: then there was like, oh this crazy androgenic even on

1179
01:01:43,480 --> 01:01:45,360
Speaker 1: Soul Traine feels at old cliffs of Soul Trained from

1180
01:01:45,400 --> 01:01:49,000
Speaker 1: the eighties, the stuff that got through could you I'm

1181
01:01:49,120 --> 01:01:52,280
Speaker 1: just thinking about all the like homophobic wrappers looking at

1182
01:01:52,320 --> 01:01:55,440
Speaker 1: the old Soul Trained actual Jamaine Stewart being on Soul Train.

1183
01:01:55,480 --> 01:01:59,000
Speaker 3: We don't have to take our clothes. J Stewart, nig

1184
01:01:59,040 --> 01:02:02,080
Speaker 3: old queen, but that you know, the.

1185
01:02:02,080 --> 01:02:07,400
Speaker 1: Pressed out hair lay but like girl like gay, like

1186
01:02:07,560 --> 01:02:11,080
Speaker 1: just some gay stuff was happening on Soul Train, and

1187
01:02:12,520 --> 01:02:14,400
Speaker 1: it just it was the eighties though, and it was

1188
01:02:14,440 --> 01:02:16,880
Speaker 1: just kind of like I mean, people like Prince was around,

1189
01:02:16,880 --> 01:02:19,520
Speaker 1: and like people thought Liberachi was freight, you know, so

1190
01:02:19,560 --> 01:02:23,240
Speaker 1: it was just a different time, which is so fabulous.

1191
01:02:23,240 --> 01:02:26,360
Speaker 1: So I just I believed I didn't think about The

1192
01:02:26,440 --> 01:02:30,040
Speaker 1: interesting thing is I didn't think about like I was aware,

1193
01:02:30,080 --> 01:02:32,280
Speaker 1: obviously I was aware I was black, but I didn't

1194
01:02:32,280 --> 01:02:35,360
Speaker 1: think about these things as hindrances. I just I felt

1195
01:02:35,840 --> 01:02:38,160
Speaker 1: like there was something inside me and I was a

1196
01:02:38,200 --> 01:02:40,320
Speaker 1: star and I was talented, and that I should be

1197
01:02:40,360 --> 01:02:40,760
Speaker 1: a star.

1198
01:02:41,760 --> 01:02:43,280
Speaker 3: People like always remembered me.

1199
01:02:43,480 --> 01:02:46,400
Speaker 1: I had a presence, you know, obviously that need to

1200
01:02:46,440 --> 01:02:49,960
Speaker 1: be cultivated into you know, training with training, but I

1201
01:02:50,080 --> 01:02:52,320
Speaker 1: just always believed that I should be a star.

1202
01:02:52,800 --> 01:02:54,880
Speaker 3: And then I think, as.

1203
01:02:54,800 --> 01:02:58,680
Speaker 1: I when I transitioned, and then I like really started

1204
01:02:59,120 --> 01:03:02,600
Speaker 1: existing in trans community and hearing experiences from other trans people,

1205
01:03:03,320 --> 01:03:06,240
Speaker 1: and then like, yes, I'd been arresting the street my

1206
01:03:06,280 --> 01:03:08,920
Speaker 1: whole life yet and bullied and stuff.

1207
01:03:08,920 --> 01:03:11,080
Speaker 3: But like I was just.

1208
01:03:11,040 --> 01:03:13,960
Speaker 1: Programmed to succeed. I was programmed to believe that I

1209
01:03:14,080 --> 01:03:15,360
Speaker 1: was supposed to be successful.

1210
01:03:18,440 --> 01:03:21,520
Speaker 3: Wow. Yeah, And and the world certainly.

1211
01:03:21,520 --> 01:03:23,920
Speaker 1: And then there was a period in the nineties even

1212
01:03:24,440 --> 01:03:26,240
Speaker 1: you know, I just remember I would when I worked

1213
01:03:26,240 --> 01:03:26,960
Speaker 1: at coffee shop.

1214
01:03:27,240 --> 01:03:29,560
Speaker 3: Unimember coffee shop. Is it still there by the way?

1215
01:03:29,680 --> 01:03:29,840
Speaker 1: No?

1216
01:03:29,840 --> 01:03:32,640
Speaker 3: No, no, they just closed. No, it closed in twenty eighteen.

1217
01:03:32,840 --> 01:03:36,960
Speaker 2: Really it was the was still there on fourteenth Street.

1218
01:03:37,240 --> 01:03:39,520
Speaker 1: I'm sixteen in Union Square West because I worked there

1219
01:03:39,600 --> 01:03:43,000
Speaker 1: for ten years. They closed in twenty eighteen.

1220
01:03:43,000 --> 01:03:45,760
Speaker 3: I remember. I was really sad. Is there a Taste Bank?

1221
01:03:45,920 --> 01:03:49,080
Speaker 3: It's a Chase Bank. Now, it's really sad. Really, Oh,

1222
01:03:49,120 --> 01:03:52,120
Speaker 3: I'm thinking the cafeteria. Oh, cafecina. Wellffee shop did close.

1223
01:03:52,200 --> 01:03:55,160
Speaker 3: Doffy shop, right, and so I do remember coffee shop?

1224
01:03:55,200 --> 01:03:55,400
Speaker 2: Wow?

1225
01:03:55,760 --> 01:03:56,480
Speaker 3: So wait was it?

1226
01:03:56,480 --> 01:03:56,560
Speaker 1: So?

1227
01:03:56,640 --> 01:03:56,840
Speaker 3: Yeah?

1228
01:03:56,880 --> 01:03:58,760
Speaker 1: When I worked at coffee shop, people would come in

1229
01:03:58,840 --> 01:04:01,720
Speaker 1: and I would like get like, oh, come in model

1230
01:04:01,800 --> 01:04:04,000
Speaker 1: for this or come and do I would get like

1231
01:04:04,040 --> 01:04:06,480
Speaker 1: opportunities working there. I remember, like even I was doing

1232
01:04:06,520 --> 01:04:09,600
Speaker 1: runway coaching for someone in the nineties, like these twins.

1233
01:04:09,640 --> 01:04:12,000
Speaker 1: They were these party promotors who were twins from Africa.

1234
01:04:12,040 --> 01:04:14,760
Speaker 1: I forget their names. They had me like teaching girls

1235
01:04:14,800 --> 01:04:18,200
Speaker 1: how to model for like already that girl. I was

1236
01:04:18,440 --> 01:04:21,960
Speaker 1: just I was in New York and I was there

1237
01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:25,400
Speaker 1: were there were just kind of opportunities for people who

1238
01:04:25,560 --> 01:04:31,680
Speaker 1: were different, who were drag queens or gender not conforming

1239
01:04:31,760 --> 01:04:35,160
Speaker 1: or club kids. There was just there were places to work,

1240
01:04:35,240 --> 01:04:37,840
Speaker 1: like coffee shop. You could at least you could work.

1241
01:04:38,160 --> 01:04:39,880
Speaker 1: At least you can go and have a get alligerate

1242
01:04:39,960 --> 01:04:41,440
Speaker 1: job if you were lucky. And I was one of

1243
01:04:41,480 --> 01:04:43,120
Speaker 1: the lucky ones. He was able to, like, you know,

1244
01:04:43,160 --> 01:04:45,400
Speaker 1: go to coffee shopping, wait tables for ten years and

1245
01:04:45,400 --> 01:04:46,760
Speaker 1: then lucky chang that I would have.

1246
01:04:46,800 --> 01:04:48,600
Speaker 3: Loved to see you in coffee shop. I would love

1247
01:04:48,640 --> 01:04:48,960
Speaker 3: to go.

1248
01:04:49,160 --> 01:04:52,840
Speaker 1: I used to do runway down the aisles and it

1249
01:04:52,960 --> 01:04:55,520
Speaker 1: was a time and I didn't even write about celebrities.

1250
01:04:55,520 --> 01:04:57,320
Speaker 1: You used to come in to coffee shop. I'm a

1251
01:04:57,400 --> 01:05:00,920
Speaker 1: waiting on Wanda Sykes. Tyrees Q too was a regular.

1252
01:05:01,120 --> 01:05:03,200
Speaker 3: I was there with cut tipt one time, Queen the

1253
01:05:03,280 --> 01:05:04,200
Speaker 3: Church for another day.

1254
01:05:04,160 --> 01:05:06,440
Speaker 1: Queen the Chief, Queen thea Tieva used to come in

1255
01:05:07,240 --> 01:05:09,680
Speaker 1: to get She always ordered food to go. She had

1256
01:05:09,680 --> 01:05:11,400
Speaker 1: a guess, we're head of recording studio because I worked

1257
01:05:11,440 --> 01:05:13,640
Speaker 1: the grave yard ship she had a recording studio, thinking square.

1258
01:05:13,760 --> 01:05:17,080
Speaker 1: She'd always come in. She'd have a fly posse, a

1259
01:05:17,160 --> 01:05:21,040
Speaker 1: fly woman, and she was always super sweet and she

1260
01:05:21,040 --> 01:05:23,200
Speaker 1: would order her food to go like it was a

1261
01:05:23,200 --> 01:05:25,200
Speaker 1: great for the Grace Jones stories, a lot of things

1262
01:05:25,200 --> 01:05:27,160
Speaker 1: that did not make it to the book, but there's.

1263
01:05:27,000 --> 01:05:28,520
Speaker 2: A lot of things in the book which if we

1264
01:05:28,560 --> 01:05:31,160
Speaker 2: had more time today we would go down many rabbit holes.

1265
01:05:31,200 --> 01:05:33,760
Speaker 2: And the third just real quick before we wrap, of course,

1266
01:05:33,800 --> 01:05:35,880
Speaker 2: the third part of the book is What's Right with Me,

1267
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:39,800
Speaker 2: which is the most the most inspiring, because it's like, yes,

1268
01:05:39,880 --> 01:05:42,560
Speaker 2: you go through those things, and yes I have to

1269
01:05:42,600 --> 01:05:45,880
Speaker 2: deal with all the shit I went through, But like man,

1270
01:05:45,920 --> 01:05:49,120
Speaker 2: I did some so many things right. I did things right.

1271
01:05:49,160 --> 01:05:52,000
Speaker 2: You represented it in a way that nobody else had.

1272
01:05:52,320 --> 01:05:54,520
Speaker 3: Thank you. You just got a lot of things right.

1273
01:05:54,600 --> 01:05:56,640
Speaker 3: What is the number one thing that you think you

1274
01:05:56,680 --> 01:05:57,120
Speaker 3: got right?

1275
01:05:58,360 --> 01:06:01,600
Speaker 1: What I wouldn't say got right was what was What

1276
01:06:01,720 --> 01:06:07,400
Speaker 1: I always had was a sense of when I didn't

1277
01:06:07,400 --> 01:06:14,320
Speaker 1: believe in myself. I was deeply passionate about art and performing,

1278
01:06:14,960 --> 01:06:17,640
Speaker 1: and for years people like, how do I get more

1279
01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:20,640
Speaker 1: confident like you? I was like, I've never been confident,

1280
01:06:21,200 --> 01:06:25,040
Speaker 1: but I have had fake it well, but it's not

1281
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:27,160
Speaker 1: even faking it. It's the passion and the love. When

1282
01:06:27,200 --> 01:06:29,280
Speaker 1: I'm passionate, you seem you're sitting here talking to me.

1283
01:06:29,280 --> 01:06:31,920
Speaker 1: When I'm excited about something. When I'm passionate, about something.

1284
01:06:32,440 --> 01:06:35,280
Speaker 1: It takes over. And so the love and the passion

1285
01:06:35,320 --> 01:06:38,680
Speaker 1: for performing, for learning, for getting better at what I do,

1286
01:06:38,760 --> 01:06:42,320
Speaker 1: that just that overcame all the other stuff because I

1287
01:06:42,360 --> 01:06:45,320
Speaker 1: was just so I wanted to learn, I wanted to perform,

1288
01:06:45,960 --> 01:06:48,240
Speaker 1: and I wanted.

1289
01:06:48,240 --> 01:06:50,920
Speaker 3: More, and I thought why not.

1290
01:06:51,120 --> 01:06:53,600
Speaker 1: I just remember years, like for years when I, you know,

1291
01:06:53,640 --> 01:06:57,000
Speaker 1: watching reality shows and like watching the real world and

1292
01:06:57,000 --> 01:06:58,680
Speaker 1: watching something like what would it be like if a

1293
01:06:58,680 --> 01:07:01,960
Speaker 1: transperson were on this show? Why isn't a transperson on

1294
01:07:01,960 --> 01:07:04,400
Speaker 1: this show? And then eventually I was on one of

1295
01:07:04,440 --> 01:07:07,240
Speaker 1: their shows. So it was like it was having a vision.

1296
01:07:07,800 --> 01:07:10,920
Speaker 1: It was looking around and being like I can do this,

1297
01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:17,040
Speaker 1: and I should be doing this, and there's and and

1298
01:07:17,040 --> 01:07:20,280
Speaker 1: and it was in seeing it for myself first. Coleman

1299
01:07:20,320 --> 01:07:24,120
Speaker 1: Domingo kind of recently said he was talking about teaching

1300
01:07:24,160 --> 01:07:27,240
Speaker 1: and acting class and like, you know a plus sized

1301
01:07:27,280 --> 01:07:29,480
Speaker 1: girl that come in and done a monologue from a

1302
01:07:29,640 --> 01:07:33,400
Speaker 1: fat pig, this Neila Brute play and Coleman was like,

1303
01:07:33,440 --> 01:07:35,160
Speaker 1: why did you choose that? She was like, well, you know,

1304
01:07:35,320 --> 01:07:37,800
Speaker 1: I'm heavy, and I thought that would be a good

1305
01:07:37,800 --> 01:07:39,680
Speaker 1: monologue for me, you know, to go out in the world.

1306
01:07:39,720 --> 01:07:41,120
Speaker 3: And he was like, when I saw you. I saw

1307
01:07:41,200 --> 01:07:43,720
Speaker 3: Cleia Juliette, I saw.

1308
01:07:43,520 --> 01:07:47,040
Speaker 1: An agree new and and and he was like encouraging

1309
01:07:47,080 --> 01:07:50,000
Speaker 1: her to like see herself differently. And he had to

1310
01:07:50,120 --> 01:07:53,520
Speaker 1: see for himself as an actor that he could be

1311
01:07:53,520 --> 01:07:56,480
Speaker 1: a leading man, that there were other things that he

1312
01:07:56,520 --> 01:07:56,960
Speaker 1: could do.

1313
01:07:57,120 --> 01:07:58,120
Speaker 3: And so that's a.

1314
01:07:58,000 --> 01:08:01,200
Speaker 1: Lot, a lot of it was the vision and understanding

1315
01:08:01,280 --> 01:08:04,840
Speaker 1: of what I believed I could do and still believe

1316
01:08:04,880 --> 01:08:06,440
Speaker 1: I can do that I haven't had the opportunity to

1317
01:08:06,480 --> 01:08:08,480
Speaker 1: do yet. And you have to see it. You have

1318
01:08:08,560 --> 01:08:11,120
Speaker 1: to see it first. You have to have the vision first.

1319
01:08:11,520 --> 01:08:15,120
Speaker 1: So I've always, for whatever reason, had that vision that

1320
01:08:15,240 --> 01:08:18,080
Speaker 1: I can be. You know, when I was fanning myself

1321
01:08:18,400 --> 01:08:22,360
Speaker 1: like Scarlett O'Hara, Yes, there was Butterfly McQueen and you know,

1322
01:08:22,800 --> 01:08:25,519
Speaker 1: patting me Daniel, But I was Scarlett O'Hara. Not that

1323
01:08:25,560 --> 01:08:26,960
Speaker 1: I wanted to be a white woman, but I wanted

1324
01:08:26,960 --> 01:08:28,760
Speaker 1: to be the main character. I wanted to be the

1325
01:08:28,800 --> 01:08:34,439
Speaker 1: object of desire and you know this hero's journey and arc.

1326
01:08:34,760 --> 01:08:38,840
Speaker 1: And yeah, so at fifty four, I still have a

1327
01:08:38,880 --> 01:08:39,599
Speaker 1: lot of work to do.

1328
01:08:39,920 --> 01:08:42,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you've done so much, she must be Are

1329
01:08:42,680 --> 01:08:44,720
Speaker 2: you not proud of your accomplishments?

1330
01:08:44,960 --> 01:08:45,559
Speaker 3: You have to be.

1331
01:08:45,800 --> 01:08:50,519
Speaker 1: I am, I am and I and it partly because

1332
01:08:50,560 --> 01:08:53,439
Speaker 1: it was it's so improbable that it could happen.

1333
01:08:53,520 --> 01:08:53,920
Speaker 3: But what.

1334
01:08:57,120 --> 01:08:59,400
Speaker 1: My career shows has shown that it's possible. When you

1335
01:08:59,520 --> 01:09:01,599
Speaker 1: when you, when they're when you look at my resume,

1336
01:09:01,640 --> 01:09:03,560
Speaker 1: I say, it's the first transferson to be nominated for

1337
01:09:03,920 --> 01:09:05,800
Speaker 1: Prime to I made me first transferson and blah blah

1338
01:09:05,800 --> 01:09:07,800
Speaker 1: blah blahlah blah, all the things because it hadn't been

1339
01:09:07,840 --> 01:09:09,920
Speaker 1: done before. But I was the first, but I'm not

1340
01:09:10,000 --> 01:09:12,800
Speaker 1: the last. And that really is the thing that I'm

1341
01:09:12,840 --> 01:09:15,760
Speaker 1: proud to st of. So because now other trans people

1342
01:09:15,800 --> 01:09:18,120
Speaker 1: see it, there's the there's the possibilities there, and it

1343
01:09:18,920 --> 01:09:22,360
Speaker 1: can happen, and they're making it happen, which is incredible.

1344
01:09:23,120 --> 01:09:24,960
Speaker 2: Uh, this is going to be perfect and really hard

1345
01:09:25,000 --> 01:09:27,000
Speaker 2: for you because it's a speed round.

1346
01:09:28,840 --> 01:09:31,240
Speaker 3: Before we go, We're going to give you a speed

1347
01:09:31,280 --> 01:09:34,479
Speaker 3: round of RL questions. Directors love me. I can take direction.

1348
01:09:34,800 --> 01:09:45,840
Speaker 3: So what do you like most about yourself in real life?

1349
01:09:49,439 --> 01:09:54,880
Speaker 1: I I'm cute and adorable. I think I'm really adorable

1350
01:09:55,400 --> 01:10:00,800
Speaker 1: and and I really work hard to treat people.

1351
01:10:00,840 --> 01:10:07,000
Speaker 3: Wow, what is your superpower? Empathy? Nice? I am no

1352
01:10:07,080 --> 01:10:08,439
Speaker 3: longer available.

1353
01:10:07,920 --> 01:10:17,519
Speaker 1: For people, places, and things that would allow me to

1354
01:10:17,520 --> 01:10:18,360
Speaker 1: betray myself.

1355
01:10:20,120 --> 01:10:31,360
Speaker 3: I am no longer apologizing for anything heard you. I

1356
01:10:31,360 --> 01:10:32,840
Speaker 3: didn't realize I was strong.

1357
01:10:32,640 --> 01:10:40,559
Speaker 1: Until until I stepped back and took a look at

1358
01:10:40,560 --> 01:10:41,360
Speaker 1: what I endured.

1359
01:10:41,560 --> 01:10:43,720
Speaker 3: How often do you think about your legacy and what

1360
01:10:43,800 --> 01:10:44,720
Speaker 3: would you like that to be?

1361
01:10:45,520 --> 01:10:47,360
Speaker 1: Whenever I think about this, I would think about what

1362
01:10:47,400 --> 01:10:50,479
Speaker 1: my angeloue said to Oprah when Oprah said this school

1363
01:10:50,520 --> 01:10:53,280
Speaker 1: in afric consul to be my legacy, and Angela says,

1364
01:10:53,360 --> 01:10:55,479
Speaker 1: my idea, You have no idea what your legacy will be.

1365
01:10:55,560 --> 01:11:00,720
Speaker 1: Your legacy is every person you touch. So I know

1366
01:11:00,760 --> 01:11:02,120
Speaker 1: what I want to leave behind in terms of a

1367
01:11:02,120 --> 01:11:06,640
Speaker 1: body of work. But I that really spoke to me

1368
01:11:06,840 --> 01:11:09,439
Speaker 1: what may Angelou said. I think and when I meet

1369
01:11:09,560 --> 01:11:14,760
Speaker 1: people whose whose lives have been changed because of my

1370
01:11:14,960 --> 01:11:19,519
Speaker 1: visibility my work, I'm like, that is yeah, because it's

1371
01:11:19,520 --> 01:11:21,599
Speaker 1: the people you have touched that like, you know, when

1372
01:11:21,640 --> 01:11:23,640
Speaker 1: you're not famous. You know, there's so many people in

1373
01:11:23,680 --> 01:11:26,479
Speaker 1: the trans community who aren't never famous, but their names

1374
01:11:26,479 --> 01:11:28,639
Speaker 1: are carried on because they've touched people's lives.

1375
01:11:28,760 --> 01:11:32,280
Speaker 2: So what is the one thing that allies can do

1376
01:11:32,360 --> 01:11:36,800
Speaker 2: better to be supportive of the trans community.

1377
01:11:37,960 --> 01:11:40,000
Speaker 3: What do we get wrong? What do we get wrong?

1378
01:11:40,040 --> 01:11:41,120
Speaker 3: And what can we do better?

1379
01:11:45,760 --> 01:11:50,519
Speaker 1: I think it's about listening more than you speak, and

1380
01:11:50,600 --> 01:11:55,479
Speaker 1: whenever possible, elevating the lived experiences and the voices of

1381
01:11:55,520 --> 01:11:59,439
Speaker 1: real trans people. We can speak for ourselves, We can

1382
01:11:59,439 --> 01:12:03,000
Speaker 1: advocate for ourselves. We just need the platform to do it.

1383
01:12:03,560 --> 01:12:09,000
Speaker 1: And when you see, just like when people, if you

1384
01:12:09,080 --> 01:12:11,559
Speaker 1: see racism happening in front of you, see transphobia happening

1385
01:12:11,560 --> 01:12:13,960
Speaker 1: in front of you, say something with love. You can

1386
01:12:14,000 --> 01:12:19,080
Speaker 1: say and like with love, that's that's not cool. Yeah,

1387
01:12:19,240 --> 01:12:22,519
Speaker 1: that's not cool. So if you have an opportunity to elevate,

1388
01:12:22,760 --> 01:12:29,200
Speaker 1: you know, trans stories, because our stories rehumanize us, and

1389
01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:33,800
Speaker 1: the dehumanization that creates a permission structure, takeaway rights and

1390
01:12:34,000 --> 01:12:36,800
Speaker 1: commit violence against people. That's what we're in now. The

1391
01:12:36,840 --> 01:12:41,200
Speaker 1: limb Con Center that studies genocide says we're on a

1392
01:12:41,560 --> 01:12:44,559
Speaker 1: trans people in America on a slow course of course

1393
01:12:44,600 --> 01:12:50,120
Speaker 1: towards genocide because of this administration, and genocide is can

1394
01:12:50,160 --> 01:12:53,920
Speaker 1: only happen through dehumanization. So we rehumanize by connecting with

1395
01:12:54,439 --> 01:12:58,880
Speaker 1: people's stories and their lived experiences. And when it's hard

1396
01:12:58,960 --> 01:13:02,080
Speaker 1: to dehumanize someone you like, sit here, and you're like real,

1397
01:13:02,200 --> 01:13:04,240
Speaker 1: and I would hope.

1398
01:13:04,479 --> 01:13:06,840
Speaker 3: I would hope too. Yeah, that's my hope for the world,

1399
01:13:06,880 --> 01:13:07,640
Speaker 3: that I would hope that.

1400
01:13:07,720 --> 01:13:09,599
Speaker 2: Hey, guys, you ever signed up for a phone plan

1401
01:13:09,720 --> 01:13:11,880
Speaker 2: thinking Wow, what a great price, and then a few

1402
01:13:11,880 --> 01:13:14,439
Speaker 2: months later it's like, surprise, your bill is higher.

1403
01:13:14,840 --> 01:13:15,559
Speaker 3: We hate that.

1404
01:13:16,160 --> 01:13:19,200
Speaker 2: With Boost Mobile, you pay twenty five dollars a month forever.

1405
01:13:19,360 --> 01:13:22,320
Speaker 2: That's unlimited talk, texts, and data starting at just twenty

1406
01:13:22,320 --> 01:13:25,200
Speaker 2: five dollars a month. There's no price hikes, there's no contract,

1407
01:13:25,560 --> 01:13:26,400
Speaker 2: and this is forever.

1408
01:13:26,479 --> 01:13:26,759
Speaker 3: Plus.

1409
01:13:26,760 --> 01:13:30,719
Speaker 2: Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide five G network.

1410
01:13:30,880 --> 01:13:34,240
Speaker 2: They invested billions building five G towers across the country.

1411
01:13:34,680 --> 01:13:37,000
Speaker 3: So what you need to do is visit.

1412
01:13:36,800 --> 01:13:39,280
Speaker 2: Boostmobile dot com or head to your local Boots store

1413
01:13:39,360 --> 01:13:42,639
Speaker 2: today and get unlimited talk, text, and data for twenty

1414
01:13:42,680 --> 01:13:45,679
Speaker 2: five dollars a month forever. Five G speeds not available

1415
01:13:45,680 --> 01:13:49,360
Speaker 2: in all areas. After thirty gigabytes, customers may experience lower speeds.

1416
01:13:49,400 --> 01:13:51,800
Speaker 2: Customers will pay twenty five dollars a month as long

1417
01:13:51,840 --> 01:13:54,840
Speaker 2: as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan.

1418
01:13:55,120 --> 01:13:57,880
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, our voicemail before you go, come on, we

1419
01:13:57,920 --> 01:13:58,840
Speaker 3: have we're.

1420
01:14:00,400 --> 01:14:02,360
Speaker 2: And then one question from the bowl and you're gone,

1421
01:14:02,720 --> 01:14:04,160
Speaker 2: and then we're out of here and we're almost on

1422
01:14:04,360 --> 01:14:04,719
Speaker 2: the time.

1423
01:14:04,760 --> 01:14:05,880
Speaker 3: I believe. I love Arne.

1424
01:14:05,960 --> 01:14:08,360
Speaker 1: I'm Joey. And my question for you is, when you

1425
01:14:08,360 --> 01:14:10,080
Speaker 1: close your eyes and imagine you have a day off,

1426
01:14:10,439 --> 01:14:12,479
Speaker 1: how do you decide to clean out?

1427
01:14:12,720 --> 01:14:14,320
Speaker 3: Love you and thank you for everything that you do

1428
01:14:14,400 --> 01:14:17,760
Speaker 3: for the community. Queen out? Is that a real term?

1429
01:14:18,680 --> 01:14:20,840
Speaker 1: I thought of cleaning out as in a different jernks.

1430
01:14:20,880 --> 01:14:23,120
Speaker 1: So the question is how on my off days, what

1431
01:14:23,160 --> 01:14:24,200
Speaker 1: do I do to clean out?

1432
01:14:24,400 --> 01:14:28,600
Speaker 3: Queen out? I'm learning new terms today. I was exhausted

1433
01:14:28,640 --> 01:14:29,679
Speaker 3: from that list of things.

1434
01:14:29,680 --> 01:14:32,160
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, massage, facial and then you go

1435
01:14:32,200 --> 01:14:35,800
Speaker 1: to the club too, Like that's really that's a relaxing day.

1436
01:14:36,439 --> 01:14:38,720
Speaker 3: I work so much.

1437
01:14:38,800 --> 01:14:41,559
Speaker 1: When I get a day off, I a lot of

1438
01:14:41,600 --> 01:14:45,559
Speaker 1: times as sleep. It's I've been binging. I've been binging shows.

1439
01:14:45,640 --> 01:14:48,639
Speaker 1: I just watched The Boys finally and binge that. I

1440
01:14:48,680 --> 01:14:51,600
Speaker 1: love just binging out on TV and I rewatch a

1441
01:14:51,600 --> 01:14:55,360
Speaker 1: lot of stuff. I rewatched Scandal like a few times recently.

1442
01:14:55,680 --> 01:14:58,760
Speaker 1: And I love just being at home by myself, like

1443
01:15:00,120 --> 01:15:05,240
Speaker 1: quiet quiet. It's a quiet because my work. I'm cleaning

1444
01:15:05,240 --> 01:15:06,280
Speaker 1: out of my work.

1445
01:15:06,760 --> 01:15:09,240
Speaker 3: Right all day every day, like all day.

1446
01:15:09,080 --> 01:15:11,680
Speaker 1: Every day in different ways, so like everybody should have joy,

1447
01:15:12,120 --> 01:15:15,200
Speaker 1: but my joy is really it's my girlfriends, it's community,

1448
01:15:15,200 --> 01:15:16,960
Speaker 1: It's I love trance people.

1449
01:15:17,560 --> 01:15:19,679
Speaker 3: We're so amazing. What's some of the best.

1450
01:15:19,439 --> 01:15:22,519
Speaker 2: Thing about the trans community being part of it that

1451
01:15:22,640 --> 01:15:23,639
Speaker 2: we'll never understand?

1452
01:15:23,640 --> 01:15:25,120
Speaker 3: I don't even get to experience.

1453
01:15:26,640 --> 01:15:29,519
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, everybody has every community has issues,

1454
01:15:29,720 --> 01:15:34,040
Speaker 1: but the best the best of us though, like my girls,

1455
01:15:34,400 --> 01:15:40,160
Speaker 1: My girls are smart, andsightful, resilient, anointed like we and like.

1456
01:15:42,920 --> 01:15:45,519
Speaker 3: But people have to what people should know and understand.

1457
01:15:45,560 --> 01:15:47,280
Speaker 1: I think I used to think gender one on one

1458
01:15:47,280 --> 01:15:51,559
Speaker 1: should be a like core curriculum university. The gender binary

1459
01:15:51,600 --> 01:15:55,720
Speaker 1: model is a Western European construct. Indigenous cultures all over

1460
01:15:55,720 --> 01:15:58,519
Speaker 1: the world have like they move even in Africa, like

1461
01:15:58,560 --> 01:16:00,960
Speaker 1: they move beyond male female. Well there have been like

1462
01:16:01,000 --> 01:16:03,400
Speaker 1: in India they had the Hydra who were like this

1463
01:16:03,520 --> 01:16:08,960
Speaker 1: thurgender Mahu and Hawaii. All over the world, indigenous cultures

1464
01:16:08,960 --> 01:16:12,479
Speaker 1: had third and two spirit and different Native American tribes

1465
01:16:12,840 --> 01:16:15,479
Speaker 1: and who we would think of as trans people, and

1466
01:16:15,560 --> 01:16:20,760
Speaker 1: those hidra, like thehdraw would bless your wedding and bless

1467
01:16:20,800 --> 01:16:24,439
Speaker 1: the christening of a child. We were spiritual leaders and

1468
01:16:24,520 --> 01:16:30,640
Speaker 1: so many of these indigenous cultures. And I feel that

1469
01:16:30,640 --> 01:16:34,240
Speaker 1: that inside of me and a lot of the trans

1470
01:16:34,280 --> 01:16:36,960
Speaker 1: people I know who are in touch with their light

1471
01:16:37,479 --> 01:16:43,559
Speaker 1: have a spirituality and a wisdom that if we just

1472
01:16:43,800 --> 01:16:47,679
Speaker 1: listened we could learn so much. So I think that's

1473
01:16:47,720 --> 01:16:52,920
Speaker 1: that the anointed spirituality. And I think, like, what, what

1474
01:16:52,920 --> 01:16:55,440
Speaker 1: what really comes down to for me and my transness.

1475
01:16:55,439 --> 01:16:58,640
Speaker 1: It's spiritual. Like it's so funny, there's like all of

1476
01:16:58,680 --> 01:17:03,000
Speaker 1: the yesically transitioning was necessary for me, gender firming care

1477
01:17:03,080 --> 01:17:06,960
Speaker 1: saved my life, it saves children's lives. But like what

1478
01:17:07,080 --> 01:17:11,599
Speaker 1: it allowed was this spiritual the spiritual awakening. And all

1479
01:17:11,680 --> 01:17:14,960
Speaker 1: my friends say the same thing, my closest friends. It's

1480
01:17:15,000 --> 01:17:20,440
Speaker 1: being trans is a very spiritual thing. And that that's

1481
01:17:20,840 --> 01:17:24,320
Speaker 1: I mean, that's amazing because when you're in when you're

1482
01:17:24,360 --> 01:17:27,200
Speaker 1: in the spirit, girl, when Oprah used to do that,

1483
01:17:27,320 --> 01:17:29,800
Speaker 1: like remembering your spirit at the end of the Oprah Show.

1484
01:17:30,000 --> 01:17:32,800
Speaker 1: When you're in the spirit like in church, Like in church,

1485
01:17:32,840 --> 01:17:35,720
Speaker 1: you get the spirit. You're in the spirit, like you

1486
01:17:35,760 --> 01:17:37,479
Speaker 1: want to tap your feet, you want to like you're

1487
01:17:37,479 --> 01:17:40,599
Speaker 1: connected to like to the energy of power source that's

1488
01:17:40,600 --> 01:17:45,640
Speaker 1: greater than yourself and like we at our best, we

1489
01:17:46,160 --> 01:17:47,280
Speaker 1: as trans people have that.

1490
01:17:48,000 --> 01:17:50,040
Speaker 2: Hey, guys, support for this podcast is brought to you

1491
01:17:50,040 --> 01:17:53,720
Speaker 2: by Walden University. Have you ever thought to yourself, what

1492
01:17:53,840 --> 01:17:56,599
Speaker 2: if I could go after what I actually want and

1493
01:17:56,640 --> 01:17:59,639
Speaker 2: I could really make a difference. Well, you are not alone,

1494
01:17:59,760 --> 01:18:01,439
Speaker 2: and this is exactly why I want to tell you

1495
01:18:01,439 --> 01:18:04,840
Speaker 2: about Walden University. For over fifty years, Walden has helped

1496
01:18:04,880 --> 01:18:08,879
Speaker 2: working adults like you get the w with the knowledge,

1497
01:18:09,160 --> 01:18:11,840
Speaker 2: the skills and everything you need to build the future

1498
01:18:11,840 --> 01:18:14,120
Speaker 2: that you want and you can make a difference where

1499
01:18:14,160 --> 01:18:16,880
Speaker 2: it matters most. If you've been waiting for the right moment,

1500
01:18:17,120 --> 01:18:20,439
Speaker 2: this is it. Head to WALDENU dot edu and take

1501
01:18:20,479 --> 01:18:24,200
Speaker 2: that first step. Walden University set a Course for Change,

1502
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Speaker 2: Certified to operate by SHIV. All right, it's time for

1503
01:18:27,120 --> 01:18:30,880
Speaker 2: our Bowl or questions from the IRO Bowl presented by

1504
01:18:30,880 --> 01:18:31,880
Speaker 2: Walden University.

1505
01:18:32,080 --> 01:18:33,360
Speaker 3: You want to pick or you want me to pick?

1506
01:18:33,560 --> 01:18:36,519
Speaker 3: When you pick your you pick one?

1507
01:18:36,600 --> 01:18:40,960
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, goes dress take that one in this one and.

1508
01:18:40,960 --> 01:18:44,400
Speaker 3: Then we'll go. Okay and are you am I starting?

1509
01:18:44,720 --> 01:18:44,920
Speaker 1: Yeah?

1510
01:18:44,920 --> 01:18:53,360
Speaker 3: You got. Lately I've been reminding myself that health is wealth.

1511
01:18:54,400 --> 01:18:55,320
Speaker 3: This is getting older.

1512
01:18:55,439 --> 01:18:58,479
Speaker 1: This is a getting older thing, and just like health

1513
01:18:58,640 --> 01:19:01,960
Speaker 1: is wealth that I can't do anything. If my health

1514
01:19:02,000 --> 01:19:03,439
Speaker 1: fails me, then I'm no.

1515
01:19:03,680 --> 01:19:05,360
Speaker 2: And it's only when it goes down that you realize

1516
01:19:05,360 --> 01:19:07,320
Speaker 2: it and you appreciate it and pray for it.

1517
01:19:07,560 --> 01:19:10,000
Speaker 1: So but it's something that I used to daily, you know,

1518
01:19:10,200 --> 01:19:12,800
Speaker 1: take care of myself, and that's loving myself too.

1519
01:19:13,280 --> 01:19:14,800
Speaker 3: That's funny. What do you pray for most?

1520
01:19:21,760 --> 01:19:24,240
Speaker 1: God, give me permission to do this imperfectly and allow

1521
01:19:24,280 --> 01:19:27,360
Speaker 1: me to be of service. That's that's the prayer I

1522
01:19:27,400 --> 01:19:28,559
Speaker 1: say most often.

1523
01:19:29,720 --> 01:19:31,040
Speaker 3: Oh say that again. That's good.

1524
01:19:31,160 --> 01:19:35,080
Speaker 1: God, give me permission to do this imperfectly and allow

1525
01:19:35,120 --> 01:19:38,040
Speaker 1: me to be of service. I started doing it. I

1526
01:19:38,120 --> 01:19:40,560
Speaker 1: was when I was doing a lot of speaking engagements

1527
01:19:40,720 --> 01:19:43,720
Speaker 1: and I'm so hard on myself, and I was just like,

1528
01:19:43,760 --> 01:19:44,679
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be perfect.

1529
01:19:44,680 --> 01:19:45,760
Speaker 3: And then I was also like.

1530
01:19:47,439 --> 01:19:49,760
Speaker 1: The first transperson a lot of people would encounter, and

1531
01:19:49,800 --> 01:19:51,640
Speaker 1: I was like, I can't screw this up. And I

1532
01:19:51,680 --> 01:19:53,880
Speaker 1: was like, I'm not going to be perfect, but maybe

1533
01:19:53,920 --> 01:19:55,360
Speaker 1: I can be of service. I know I'm going to

1534
01:19:55,400 --> 01:19:57,000
Speaker 1: make a mistake. I know I'm going to mess up

1535
01:19:57,280 --> 01:19:57,760
Speaker 1: so good.

1536
01:19:58,160 --> 01:20:00,320
Speaker 3: So there that's the final quest. Ristian.

1537
01:20:01,360 --> 01:20:05,840
Speaker 1: If God were to text you right now? What would

1538
01:20:05,880 --> 01:20:07,639
Speaker 1: it say? What would the text say? If God were

1539
01:20:07,680 --> 01:20:14,479
Speaker 1: to text me right now, what would it say?

1540
01:20:19,080 --> 01:20:28,839
Speaker 3: Don't worry, I got you. Just turn it over to me. Mmmm.

1541
01:20:30,439 --> 01:20:41,920
Speaker 3: Laverne Cox in real life. Everybody, girl, girl, I need it.

1542
01:20:42,040 --> 01:20:44,559
Speaker 3: I need it. Yeah, I don't miss the text. I mean,

1543
01:20:44,600 --> 01:20:46,240
Speaker 3: I'm God, I'm just gonna I'm gonna just try to

1544
01:20:46,320 --> 01:20:49,680
Speaker 3: let that, let that download a little bit. Thank you

1545
01:20:49,720 --> 01:20:56,639
Speaker 3: for tonight. That was beautiful. This is Laverne Cox in

1546
01:20:56,680 --> 01:20:58,799
Speaker 3: real life. Hey guys, thanks for watching.

1547
01:20:58,840 --> 01:21:02,280
Speaker 2: Make sure you subscribe, like comments, and check out all

1548
01:21:02,280 --> 01:21:04,719
Speaker 2: of the other episodes we have on Age Martinez Iro

1549
01:21:04,920 --> 01:21:05,360
Speaker 2: Podcast