Speaker 1: Okay. So I normally don't just go down into my basement,
Speaker 1: which used to look like somewhere where you put Silence
Speaker 1: of the Lamb's victims, and I've I've renovated it and
Speaker 1: it's now a studio and I did that so I
Speaker 1: could just like have a separate space to record my
Speaker 1: podcast whatever. And usually it's scheduled, and often my assistant say,
Speaker 1: do you want to go down there and do podcast today?
Speaker 1: And I say, just on the one day of the
Speaker 1: week that we're doing it. Well, tonight, we had a
Speaker 1: drink and a half. I have no brawl. I'm in pajamas,
Speaker 1: it's my day off, and I look like ship on
Speaker 1: a cracker and I'm down this fucking basement and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell you why. Okay, I'm about to tell you why.
Speaker 1: I have a whole list of things I want to discuss.
Speaker 1: None of them are being discussed because this is what
Speaker 1: went down today. I'm a very organized person. I'm the
Speaker 1: opposite of a hoarder. Like when I say the opposite
Speaker 1: of a hoarder, so I I see a hoarder. I
Speaker 1: can't even watch that show because it's anxiety producing because
Speaker 1: those are people that just can't stop collecting, and they
Speaker 1: know they have a problem, and they can't stop. I'm
Speaker 1: the opposite, the literal opposite. I can't stop organizing and
Speaker 1: editing and getting rid of and it's a problem. It's
Speaker 1: equally as much as a problem. It's not affecting my
Speaker 1: life yet, Like I can go out and associate with
Speaker 1: other people, but it affects other people's lives. I'm just
Speaker 1: happy to be successful enough to have people around me
Speaker 1: to help me with the opposite of hoarding, which is like,
Speaker 1: and I don't think it's fair that they don't have
Speaker 1: the proper diagnosis for that person who just wants to
Speaker 1: get rid. Here's the rub, because I'm so fucking bad
Speaker 1: at technology. I haven't been able to master the art
Speaker 1: of editing technology. Like, no that it's real to me?
Speaker 1: What the funk is the cloud? Is it a real cloud?
Speaker 1: We all in like a bounty house together, Like where's
Speaker 1: the cloud? We in the cloud together? Are we talking
Speaker 1: in the cloud? Who fucking cares? It's not? Where's all
Speaker 1: that stuff? Is that real clutter? It's just like technological clutter.
Speaker 1: Where does it physically live? Does it clog something? Does
Speaker 1: it matter? Your phone says like we want, we need
Speaker 1: more space, but like, why where is that space? Isn't it?
Speaker 1: It's like not real. It's not a closet. I don't
Speaker 1: I can't get California closets to come in and organize it.
Speaker 1: I don't get it. So I don't think about that
Speaker 1: that much because I can't really see it. It's on
Speaker 1: a dumb little phone. Take a hammer and smash it.
Speaker 1: Who gives a fuck? So on my phone I have,
Speaker 1: and I mean, this is a real number. And I's
Speaker 1: gonna frighten you. Because I'm an editor. I get rid
Speaker 1: of everything I have, like fifty emails. And Paul, my fiance,
Speaker 1: whose house I went to when we got together, he
Speaker 1: had fucking ship piled up in drawers. You couldnot imagine.
Speaker 1: It was such a disaster. I was like, I don't
Speaker 1: know that we could be together with how fucking cluttered
Speaker 1: your house is. But I said fine, and I decluttered it.
Speaker 1: But he doesn't have a goddamn extra email or an
Speaker 1: extra test text. And I don't understand what do you mean, Like,
Speaker 1: just you buy one fucking thing at s afore you're
Speaker 1: in Amafia. They message you ten times a day. How
Speaker 1: do you keep up with it every time they message
Speaker 1: me while you a psycho pack, No delete delete, I
Speaker 1: didn't check the box. I'm sweating, I'm unsubscribing. I I
Speaker 1: don't want it, Okay, Like I can't keep up with
Speaker 1: fucking Sepphorign. I'll tay emails. What am I gonna do
Speaker 1: about all the other ship that I've ever bought or done,
Speaker 1: or scene or somebody I texted, you're in Amalfia, So
Speaker 1: I just said, fucking who cares? Let your underarm hair grow,
Speaker 1: let your grays shine through Sarah Jessica Parker style. Who
Speaker 1: gives a fuck? Let the emails fly? It's some cloud.
Speaker 1: I don't live in that cloud. It's not in my
Speaker 1: own goddamn house. Who cares? But every time I looked
Speaker 1: down at my phone, it says like fifty thousand emails
Speaker 1: because there's a couple of boxes my email address, there's
Speaker 1: some cloud email address, is some other email address that
Speaker 1: somebody set up that happens to be on my phone,
Speaker 1: my my television for Netflix. These worlds that exist, and
Speaker 1: I don't know why. Is it like different credit card
Speaker 1: accounts that you're just do in college. You're like, I'll
Speaker 1: fucking sign up for that? Who cares. They're gonna have
Speaker 1: to chase me to get the money back. But I'll
Speaker 1: pay the minimum and then I'll open five more credit cards.
Speaker 1: Who gives a fuck? So that's what's going on with
Speaker 1: my phone. So, and I haven't even scratched the mother
Speaker 1: fucking surface of where we're going. So let's do that now.
Speaker 1: So my fucking phone has like fifty thousand goddamn emails
Speaker 1: in public. Wow, I DELETEO my emails. I'm like, really,
Speaker 1: you had goddamn non matching linens that were not labeled
Speaker 1: in your linen closet. Who gives a funk about your
Speaker 1: goddamn phone? Fine, then the text? So many texts from
Speaker 1: how many people? I don't delete? I don't know why
Speaker 1: I don't. That's a job, that's like an end of
Speaker 1: the day, goddamn fucking job. So I haven't done it.
Speaker 1: So all I want is to live in a universe
Speaker 1: where I have a second phone, a phone that when
Speaker 1: I look at it looks clean, like a four seasons
Speaker 1: hotel room when you first walk in, like you do,
Speaker 1: nothing's been touched. So I just wanted to clean phone.
Speaker 1: So I said to my assistant, get me a phone.
Speaker 1: I just want another phone. I wanted to be smaller
Speaker 1: because the fucking iPhone Maxi phone, which is like a
Speaker 1: Maxi pad for a sixty five year old woman who
Speaker 1: like is barely bleeding, is so big and I can't
Speaker 1: fit into my purses and my clutches. And now all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, air mes and all these designers are
Speaker 1: making these tiny purses. Great, what the funk are you
Speaker 1: putting in there? You have the allergy tough fucking shit.
Speaker 1: You have a credit card. Okay, you're only allowed to
Speaker 1: have a credit card and a micro lip glass and
Speaker 1: a tic tac because you have bad breath when you're
Speaker 1: gonna go gold dig and sell your channel bag later
Speaker 1: to fucking pay for your evening, fine, no problem. So
Speaker 1: all I want is a new fucking small phone. I
Speaker 1: just want a small phone that's separate from my main phone.
Speaker 1: And all I want is it to have just be clean,
Speaker 1: like I just want to clean phone. It's a bat phone, Okay,
Speaker 1: I want to phone. It has a new email address,
Speaker 1: and as an and and and it has another phone number.
Speaker 1: It's just more private and I don't have to look
Speaker 1: at those fifty emails that I've never looked at. I
Speaker 1: just don't want to see them. Great. So I have
Speaker 1: a new assistant, and I'm never gonna throw anybody under
Speaker 1: the bus. That's not true. I'll throw many people, but
Speaker 1: I'm not going to throw her under him. They under
Speaker 1: the bus because I say this information and I say
Speaker 1: it back and forth. Wait for it, wait for it. Okay, Great.
Speaker 1: So now I mentioned that I would like a new phone.
Speaker 1: That was a month ago. No problem. It takes a month.
Speaker 1: I only did three million dollars to Ukraine with jem
Speaker 1: my partner of relief work. But we can't get a
Speaker 1: new phone in a month. No problem. Still have the
Speaker 1: original phone with my fifty emails, doesn't matter. Now we
Speaker 1: get a new phone. Great. My assistance, two of my
Speaker 1: assistants are working on it. They're fucking breaking into the
Speaker 1: few wed there at the Capital, trying to get in.
Speaker 1: They're trying to figure it out. Get the phone. I
Speaker 1: don't give a good fuck. I told you what I wanted.
Speaker 1: I wanted a new phone with a new email and
Speaker 1: a new phone number. And the other one will be
Speaker 1: a backup. It'll be here when I want to go.
Speaker 1: Look at it like a computer, Look at my text,
Speaker 1: look at my emails. It's just there. I don't want
Speaker 1: all that garbage in my everyday life. Great, get the phone,
Speaker 1: one assistant saying, you got the phone, here's the phone,
Speaker 1: here's the information, here's your number. Wonderful. I see them
Speaker 1: all looking at each other, oh googly. I like they're
Speaker 1: people like little Waka Walkers in the pac Man game.
Speaker 1: Just look at each other like what. I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: big deal. And Molly, my one assistance, like, I mean
Speaker 1: I I did not I was not on the phone task.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, all right, great, no big deal. I
Speaker 1: know there are other people around and they might have,
Speaker 1: you know, done things not to your liking. No problem.
Speaker 1: It's like, you know, I was not involved in this project. Okay,
Speaker 1: no problem. I get it. All good. So, like ninety
Speaker 1: minutes later into this weird day off, we're all just
Speaker 1: fucking around and I've got this new phone, old information.
Speaker 1: You know, you have your two cross pollinated phones. They
Speaker 1: don't know each other, they don't know what's going on.
Speaker 1: No problem. All of a sudden, well, my housekeeper, Laney,
Speaker 1: my favorite goal, just somehow she's talking to Taylor and
Speaker 1: my other assistant and just everyone in the kitchen at
Speaker 1: the island, which is sort of this like weird middle
Speaker 1: island of like doom. I'm looking over because they're like,
Speaker 1: she's this dumb, fucking fifty two year old bitch who
Speaker 1: doesn't know what's just happened. We're all in on and
Speaker 1: she doesn't know. And I'm like what. And someone says, well,
Speaker 1: you don't have your old phone number. I'm like what
Speaker 1: do you mean. I'm like, that's fine, who cares, it's
Speaker 1: a new phone whatever? Who who I got my dancing.
Speaker 1: I'm just like it doesn't matter. No, you don't have
Speaker 1: your old fault. What does that mean? What's the phone number?
Speaker 1: What's in a name? Oh? Wait? What? No? My phone number?
Speaker 1: And I happen to have a great number. You know
Speaker 1: you have a number. It's like once you be for
Speaker 1: five six, Like, that's my phone number? Like I know
Speaker 1: that's nine numbers. Tough shit, not fucking a mathematician. I
Speaker 1: wasn't in a beautiful mind, but I know that I
Speaker 1: have a gorgeous number. Okay, So I'm like, what do
Speaker 1: you mean. They're like, no, your phone number is gone.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? What do you mean? I don't
Speaker 1: have a phone number. It's gone. It's gone. They won't
Speaker 1: give it back. No, it's gone. They won't. I'm like, oh, cute.
Speaker 1: You mean the return policy at the expresses that you
Speaker 1: can't give back the jeggings. What do you talk? What
Speaker 1: do you mean like as if it's okay? Is if
Speaker 1: like we're not storming the goddamn castle because I can't
Speaker 1: get my phone number back? And like what exactly? So
Speaker 1: I'm not good at tech? So tell her. My assistant,
Speaker 1: my housekeeper, Landy was looking and she goes, it's your identity.
Speaker 1: It's who you are, it's your identity. It's just like
Speaker 1: I came to this country with nothing and I have
Speaker 1: a phone number. I'm like, wait what, I'm starting to
Speaker 1: get scared. So now I'm like looking at Lane and
Speaker 1: she's like no, and she keeps saying it's your identity.
Speaker 1: I'm like, it is, it is? I don't think it is.
Speaker 1: I think I have a lot of other things that
Speaker 1: define who I am, but it certainly sounds important and
Speaker 1: it is. And then Taylor's trying to be like no,
Speaker 1: and all the things we text on it, all you
Speaker 1: passwords and everybody that texts you with a code, a
Speaker 1: verification code, it's all coming. I'm like, what do you mean?
Speaker 1: So I can't like be texted. No, you're dumb, fucking
Speaker 1: old bitch. You can't get texted. It's your fucking cell
Speaker 1: phone number that you've had. And I'm thinking I've had
Speaker 1: that Laney in my housekeeper. I've had this number since
Speaker 1: I was fucking born in the entertainment And so my
Speaker 1: assistant says no, like and I realized, you know when
Speaker 1: you get those code we hey, someone's clicked into your
Speaker 1: phone from Zimbabwe. Is that okay? We sent you a
Speaker 1: code to make sure that your friend from Zimbabwe is
Speaker 1: cool with it. And you're just like, you get that code,
Speaker 1: that that fucking phone number, and I'm thinking it's my
Speaker 1: phone number, my own child. I was like, what Because
Speaker 1: I only freak out over a little it, I do
Speaker 1: not freak out. They're all around me like what the
Speaker 1: fuck you don't have a phone number. I called my assistant,
Speaker 1: I said what. She goes, well, no, you told me
Speaker 1: you wanted a new phone. Is that it did? I
Speaker 1: did want a new phone. I also want a new vagina.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean you're wrapping my old one in a
Speaker 1: goddamn box and fucking stomping on it and setting out
Speaker 1: a fire. What are you talking about I wasn't looking
Speaker 1: for my uterus to be removed. I said to her,
Speaker 1: I'm not. What's the fucking urgency. I want a new
Speaker 1: phone and I want some new ship. It doesn't mean
Speaker 1: I'm meant doing the witness Protection program. I'm not wanted
Speaker 1: by the Feds. I want to know if you're giving
Speaker 1: up my identity or my uterus, or I'm being incarcerated.
Speaker 1: I'm interested in those details. But I do want to
Speaker 1: know if my phone number is gone, and it is,
Speaker 1: it's fucking gone. So then I do something that I've
Speaker 1: never done ever. I don't do it. It's a fact.
Speaker 1: You know what this is like you go up to
Speaker 1: the front of a club, Okay, do you know who
Speaker 1: I am? And they say really, Yeah, you're fifty two
Speaker 1: and you're on reality television and you peaked when you're
Speaker 1: on Forbes and now you're fucking gripping on by doing
Speaker 1: beauty reviews. Yeah that's me. So guess what I still
Speaker 1: have some street kid, you fucking motherfucker. Well, guess what
Speaker 1: I never do that? I never I did it today
Speaker 1: to Verizon. Hey, um, I have a problem. My assistant
Speaker 1: deleted my identity, ak my phone number for fucking ninety
Speaker 1: years since they were like rolling rocks and decided it
Speaker 1: was a good idea to make loaves of bread. Years later.
Speaker 1: Oh and they were like, oh, hey, calls will be ordered,
Speaker 1: calls will be answered in the order they were received.
Speaker 1: We appreciate. I'm like, high, no, look above at the
Speaker 1: follower account, which is even that much, but it's a
Speaker 1: couple of million, which in Verizon standards is pretty fucking good.
Speaker 1: So I say it and they're like, oh, okay, great,
Speaker 1: let me get in some other side vortex with Verizon,
Speaker 1: and they're currently working on getting my number back. I'm like,
Speaker 1: do me a favor, please get my walking number back.
Speaker 1: Massive shout out to Verizon because they're helping me get
Speaker 1: my number back. By the way, Landy and I think
Speaker 1: it might be fake news, but she told me that
Speaker 1: people will give you a new phone if you give
Speaker 1: up your phone number. I thought, what'll be on fucking
Speaker 1: Jeff Blue, Like, excuse me, if you want to give
Speaker 1: up your seat, we'll give you two thousand dollars in
Speaker 1: a credit. Fucking fuck