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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you

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Speaker 1: love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is

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Speaker 1: not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much

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Speaker 1: for joining me for session four thirty four of the

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls Podcast.

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Speaker 2: We'll get run into our conversation after a brief word

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Speaker 2: from our sponsors. This week, we're kicking off a new

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Speaker 2: mini series here on the podcast that we're calling the

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Speaker 2: Siblings sit Down. Over the next couple of weeks, we

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Speaker 2: will be digging into the bonds that have formed us

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Speaker 2: and shaped us, the relationships that challenge us, and everything

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Speaker 2: in between. We have found that the relationship with our

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Speaker 2: siblings is often very formative. It's some of the most

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Speaker 2: formative relationships we will have in our lives, but we

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Speaker 2: don't talk about them that much, and so we're hoping

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Speaker 2: that with this mini series we can change that narrative

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Speaker 2: just a little. So in this first episode, it's an

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Speaker 2: ask Doctor Joy episode where I will be answering questions

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Speaker 2: that have been submitted by our community members over at

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Speaker 2: our Patreon channel. And I do ask doctor Joy pretty

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Speaker 2: frequently over in our Patreon and I thought that I

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Speaker 2: would bring it over here to the podcast so that

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Speaker 2: we could kick off this special mini series of all

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Speaker 2: about siblings. So here's our first question. I had an

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Speaker 2: older brother who passed away in twenty twenty three. He

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Speaker 2: was always my protector and we were incredibly close growing up.

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Speaker 2: Losing him has left a whole I'm still trying to

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Speaker 2: understand for anyone who's lost a sibling, how do you

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Speaker 2: navigate grief while honoring the bond you had. So first,

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Speaker 2: I just want to say that I am incredibly sorry

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Speaker 2: for your loss. It is never easy to lose somebody

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Speaker 2: who has been so meaningful to us, and it sounds

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Speaker 2: like your brother was incredibly meaningful to you, and so

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Speaker 2: I'm very sorry for your loss. I love to hear

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Speaker 2: that you are still thinking about how to honor that

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Speaker 2: relationship because I have often heard greed that is talked

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Speaker 2: about as it is love that just doesn't have a

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Speaker 2: place to go anymore. And that is the truth. There

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Speaker 2: is still love that exists in the relationship between you

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Speaker 2: and your brother. And so one of the most powerful

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Speaker 2: analogies that I've seen for as it relates to grief

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Speaker 2: is to think about grief and yourself as a glass jar.

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Speaker 2: So you're a glass jar, and then grief is this

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Speaker 2: marble that in the beginning, like immediately after you've lost someone,

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Speaker 2: the marble takes up the entire size of the jar,

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Speaker 2: right like it feels like you cannot breathe, there is

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Speaker 2: no space for anything besides this grief. And then as

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Speaker 2: time goes on, you don't change, right, but your capacity

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Speaker 2: to hold the grief changes. So the marble becomes smaller

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Speaker 2: and smaller, and the jar just kind of grows around it.

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Speaker 2: And I think that that's really powerful because the truth

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Speaker 2: is that you may never not miss your brother. There

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Speaker 2: will likely always be some sadness, a little twinge of

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Speaker 2: something because the relationship has been meaningful. And so it

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Speaker 2: really is not about moving past this laws. It's thinking

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Speaker 2: more about how does your life continue, how does your

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Speaker 2: story continue to develop? And this is now a part

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Speaker 2: of your story. So one of the things that I

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Speaker 2: think is really really important is making sure that you

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Speaker 2: are leading on your community to help you to process

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Speaker 2: the grief. So there is no timeline. Just because it's

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Speaker 2: been you say that twenty twenty three, so maybe two

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Speaker 2: years and some change since you lost your brother, that

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Speaker 2: doesn't mean that you should not still be said that

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Speaker 2: you should not still want to talk about him again.

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Speaker 2: Your life will continue, You will continue to miss your brother,

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Speaker 2: probably for the rest of your life. And so are

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Speaker 2: there places that you can go where you can still

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Speaker 2: talk about your brother and people who won't say like, oh,

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Speaker 2: you know, it's been long enough, like you should have

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Speaker 2: moved past that. You really want to make sure that

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Speaker 2: you have people in your life who you can talk to,

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Speaker 2: who will let you share and do whatever it is

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Speaker 2: that you need to do. In terms of continuing to

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Speaker 2: talk about your brother, I also think it could be

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Speaker 2: important to think about what kinds of rituals do you

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Speaker 2: want to have as a part of remember and him.

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Speaker 2: So maybe there are certain things that you want to

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Speaker 2: do on his birthday as a way of honoring the

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Speaker 2: relationship that you had with him. Maybe you want to

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Speaker 2: keep a journal that are like letters that you still

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Speaker 2: write to your brother, where you are updating him about

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Speaker 2: things that you wish that you could say to him

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Speaker 2: if you were still here, like what kinds of rituals

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Speaker 2: would be important and meaningful to you, so that you

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Speaker 2: can still continue to nurture that relationship. In addition to

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Speaker 2: friends and family who may be a helpful part of

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Speaker 2: your community, there's also a great resource called grief Share.

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Speaker 2: I believe the website is griefshare dot org, and that

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Speaker 2: is a great space to find other people who are

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Speaker 2: also grieving in terms of support groups, So I believe

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Speaker 2: that there are in person groups as well as online

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Speaker 2: groups that you may want to participate in, and other

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Speaker 2: people who are also grieving may have a different way

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Speaker 2: of relating to you than other people who maybe don't

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Speaker 2: have the same level of loss in their lives, So

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Speaker 2: that can be an additional resource for finding some support

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Speaker 2: if you're still grieving. There's also a great book by

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Speaker 2: doctor Agena Robinson called The Gift of Grief that would

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Speaker 2: be probably a great read for you, again as you

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Speaker 2: are just continuing to figure out how to honor the

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Speaker 2: relationship with your brother. Doctor Robinson was also on the podcast,

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Speaker 2: so I will drop a link to her episode in

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Speaker 2: our show notes. And we've also had several other episodes

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Speaker 2: about Greeed that could be helpful for you, just to

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Speaker 2: again get some additional information and to learn some additional

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Speaker 2: ways to support yourself as you are continuing to greed.

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Speaker 2: I do hope this has been helpful. Thank you so

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Speaker 2: much for submitting that question.

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Speaker 1: More from our conversation after the break.

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Speaker 2: The second question is about blended family dynamics. I grew

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Speaker 2: up an only child, but now my mom is married

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Speaker 2: and I have a new sibling in the house. The

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Speaker 2: youngest is still a kid, and sometimes I notice him

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Speaker 2: looking to me for comfort or guidance. Being a big

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Speaker 2: sister in a blended family is teaching me a whole

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Speaker 2: new kind of love, one that's about patients, understanding, and

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Speaker 2: connection for anyone adjusting to a blended family, how do

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Speaker 2: you suggest navigating a new sibling dynamic and building that

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Speaker 2: bond in a healthy way. So, first, I love the

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Speaker 2: way that you are describing the love that you are

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Speaker 2: developing in this relationship with your new siblings. So you

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Speaker 2: use words like patients, understanding, and connection, and I think

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Speaker 2: that those all set the foundation for what is sure

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Speaker 2: to be a beautiful relationship. But I do think it's

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Speaker 2: important to understand that you are new to this little

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Speaker 2: person and he is new to you, and so I

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Speaker 2: think making sure that you're giving yourself time to get

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Speaker 2: to know him and for him to get to know you,

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Speaker 2: and also releasing any expectations about what the relationship should be,

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Speaker 2: because you have a fresh start, a great opportunity to

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Speaker 2: make this relationship whatever it is that you want it

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Speaker 2: to be and whatever he wants it to be. So

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Speaker 2: it feels like it is a great opportunity for you

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Speaker 2: to figure out what kinds of things interest him, what

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Speaker 2: kinds of things maybe do you all have in common,

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Speaker 2: what kinds of new things could you do together? But

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Speaker 2: it already sounds like there's a great opportunity. It sounds

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Speaker 2: like he is looking up to you and you said

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Speaker 2: for guidance, and so that already shows that there is

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Speaker 2: some interest there, there is a desire for connection, and

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Speaker 2: I think that all of those are great things to

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Speaker 2: build upon. Guess is that there is a significant age

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Speaker 2: difference here, and so one thing that I would caution

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Speaker 2: you about is to make sure that it is a

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Speaker 2: brother sister relationship as opposed to a mother's son kind

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Speaker 2: of relationship, because I think sometimes with an age difference,

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Speaker 2: it can be easy to fall into that pattern of

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Speaker 2: feeling like you are parenting this person. But it sounds

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Speaker 2: like he already has parents in his life, and so

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Speaker 2: you really do get to come in and be the

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Speaker 2: fun mixed sister right now. That doesn't mean that there

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Speaker 2: won't be opportunities for you to challenge and kind of

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Speaker 2: guide him in the right direction, but you really don't

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Speaker 2: have to step into that parenting role. So make sure

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Speaker 2: that you're not coming in that role and allowing his

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Speaker 2: parents to actually parent, and you come in and be

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Speaker 2: the fun, big sister or whatever the adjective is that

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Speaker 2: you want to describe it as. I hope this has

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Speaker 2: been helpful. Thank you so much for sharing this question.

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Speaker 2: And our third question is about volatile sibling relationships. My

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Speaker 2: sister and I have always had a contentious relationship. Recently,

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Speaker 2: am a mom's sixtyeth birthday party, we got into a

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Speaker 2: physical fight. She swung first, but I ended up being

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Speaker 2: blotched by her afterward. I genuinely want to mend our relationship,

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Speaker 2: but I also don't want to keep getting hurt emotionally.

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Speaker 2: How do you navigate a relationship with a sibling who

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Speaker 2: can be volatile or hurtful? And is there a way

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Speaker 2: to repair it without compromising your own wellbeing? So thank

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Speaker 2: you so much, first of all for sharing this question.

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Speaker 2: It sounds like this relationship, as you put it, has

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Speaker 2: been contentious for quite some time. I'm not sure if

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Speaker 2: it's been the entirety of the relationship, but it definitely

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Speaker 2: sounds like for quite some time there has been a

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Speaker 2: lot of tension, and I wonder if there has ever

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Speaker 2: been any conversation about where this tension comes from. So

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Speaker 2: is it related to some childhood dynamics? Did something happened

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Speaker 2: later in life that has caused a riff between you all?

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Speaker 2: Have you never been close? I'm not quite sure, but

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Speaker 2: it sounds like there needs to be some kind of

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Speaker 2: conversation about how did we get here in the relationshiphip,

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Speaker 2: and it sounds like we want things to be different now.

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Speaker 2: The caveat with that is though, in relationships, it cannot

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Speaker 2: be only one person who wants the relationship to be different.

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Speaker 2: And so as much as you would like to mend

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Speaker 2: this relationship. My question to you is also is your

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Speaker 2: sister interested in mending this relationship because it sounds like

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Speaker 2: she threw the f first punch, right, is that what

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Speaker 2: she said? We got into a physical fight. She swung first, right,

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Speaker 2: So you know, it sounds like maybe some things were

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Speaker 2: boiling over that then led to this physical altercation. And

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Speaker 2: so is she actually interested in mending the relationship or

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Speaker 2: actually resuming a relationship with you, because if not, then

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Speaker 2: all of the desires and longing you have will be

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Speaker 2: for naught because she's not actually interested. And so even

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Speaker 2: if she is interested, though, I do want to make

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Speaker 2: sure that you are taking care of yourself because you

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Speaker 2: don't want to be in a position where you want

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Speaker 2: the relationship with your siblings so badly that you are

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Speaker 2: allowing yourself to be abused or mistreated just in the

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Speaker 2: name of having a relationship with your sister. Now, of

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Speaker 2: course that would be ideal, you know, ideally we would

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Speaker 2: love to have strong relationships with our siblings, but it

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Speaker 2: has to be healthy. There have to be boundaries present,

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Speaker 2: it has to be mutual respect, there have to be

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Speaker 2: guidelines around keeping our hands for ourselves. Like, all of

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Speaker 2: those things still need to be in place even with

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Speaker 2: your siblings. Now you may, you know, be a little

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Speaker 2: bit more gracious with your sibling because it is your sibling,

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Speaker 2: but the basic foundations of respects still need to be there.

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Speaker 2: And so even if your sister is interested in mending

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Speaker 2: the relationship or resuming the relationship or you know, kind

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Speaker 2: of starting over so to speak, you do want to

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Speaker 2: make sure that foundationally there is you know, respect at

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Speaker 2: the core. And unfortunately, if that is not the case,

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Speaker 2: so she cannot commit to that, then there may have

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Speaker 2: to be love from a distance. Right again, because this,

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Speaker 2: you know, ideally we would love to have great relationships

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Speaker 2: with our siblings, but unfortunately that cannot always be the case,

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Speaker 2: and I would hate to have happened is for you

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Speaker 2: to try to resume our bundness relationship with her when

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Speaker 2: she is not interested or is not actually committed to

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Speaker 2: doing the work to have a healthy relationship with you,

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Speaker 2: because you don't want to just have any relationship. You

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Speaker 2: actually want to have a healthy relationship with your sister.

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Speaker 2: So again, thank you so much for sharing this question,

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Speaker 2: and I do hope that this has been helpful to you.

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Speaker 2: So again, we do ask doctor Joy questions pretty frequently.

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Speaker 2: Over in our Patreon community. If you're interested in submitting

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Speaker 2: questions or being an additional part of that community, you

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Speaker 2: would love to have you there. You can join us

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Speaker 2: at community dot Therapy for Black Girls dot com. I

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Speaker 2: do hope that you will continue to tune in to

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Speaker 2: our miniseries called The Siblings Sit Down as we continue

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Speaker 2: to dissect sibling relationships and talk to a therapist about

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Speaker 2: sibling dynamics as well as talk to some pair of

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Speaker 2: siblings about their experiences. For more information about the podcast,

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Speaker 2: you can visit the show notes at Therapy for Blackgirls

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Speaker 2: dot com Session four thirty four. If you're looking for

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Speaker 2: a therapist in your area, make sure to visit our

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Speaker 2: therapist directory at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com SACE directory,

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Speaker 2: and do make sure it's a textas episode to two

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Speaker 2: of your girls right now so that they can also

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Speaker 2: check out the episode. This episode was produced by Elise Ellis,

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Speaker 2: Indytubu and Tyree Rush and editing was done by Dennis

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Speaker 2: and Bradford. I hope that you all have enjoyed tuning

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Speaker 2: into this session. Please leave a comment, let us know

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Speaker 2: more things that you'd like to hear us talk about,

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Speaker 2: and be sure to tune in for our next episodes.

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Speaker 2: In the Siblings sit Down until next time, Take good care,