1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:07,360 Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. What 2 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:11,320 Speaker 1: if this letter contained my father's final confession? What if 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:14,720 Speaker 1: it was a compendium of his Trustiendas, the word my 4 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,799 Speaker 1: Cuban mother had adapted as a more resonant way to 5 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:22,919 Speaker 1: describe secrets. According to her, every person carries at least 6 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:26,280 Speaker 1: one frstenda from a place in the heart, or such 7 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,760 Speaker 1: secrets thrill the day and deep in the night. Perhaps 8 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,479 Speaker 1: these plastenders were more like dark thoughts that had been 9 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,959 Speaker 1: in the cobdwead corners of his mind. Once I knew 10 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,879 Speaker 1: about these truss standers, would it make me like Icarus 11 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,680 Speaker 1: flying too close to the sun and dropping from the sky. 12 00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:45,400 Speaker 1: Would it be like opening Pandora's jar, or, as it 13 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:49,240 Speaker 1: was later mistranslated, her box of woes and releasing them 14 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 1: to the world. Reading about my father's troubles in his 15 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,640 Speaker 1: hand might make them my own. I was afraid to 16 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,639 Speaker 1: know everything about him, and yet I was too curious 17 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:05,720 Speaker 1: to leave his secrets alone. That's Judy Bolton Fasman, journalist, 18 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:09,920 Speaker 1: essayist and author of the memoir Asylum, a Memoir of 19 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:14,640 Speaker 1: Family Secrets. Imagine receiving a letter from a parent, A 20 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:19,200 Speaker 1: thick envelope that might just explain everything, a letter that 21 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:22,679 Speaker 1: might answer a lifetime's worth of questions, and the persistent 22 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,520 Speaker 1: sense that there are mysteries and secrets at the core 23 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:30,160 Speaker 1: of your family's life. And then imagine what happened to Judy. 24 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,120 Speaker 1: Before she had a chance to open the letter, she 25 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:37,160 Speaker 1: received an urgent request from her father. Please destroy the letter, 26 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:42,720 Speaker 1: I sent Burnett without reading, and she did. She respected 27 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,839 Speaker 1: his wishes and watched his words go up and smoke. 28 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:01,000 Speaker 1: I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is family secrets, the secrets 29 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 1: that are kept from us, the secrets we keep from others, 30 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:16,200 Speaker 1: and the secrets we keep from ourselves. Asylum was the 31 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:21,200 Speaker 1: iconic address of my childhood. Everything revolved around there. It 32 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,400 Speaker 1: was a small house. It was a three small, three 33 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,280 Speaker 1: bedroom colonial. It sat on the corner of Asylum Avenue 34 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,720 Speaker 1: and Ballard Drive, and I want to say that it 35 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,480 Speaker 1: sort of sat on the corner of desperation and dreams 36 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:36,400 Speaker 1: as well, my father's desperation, my mother's dreams, and vice versa, 37 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:40,000 Speaker 1: and those two were often in competition and often clashed, 38 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:43,560 Speaker 1: those two aspirations. I also lived across the street from 39 00:02:43,639 --> 00:02:49,080 Speaker 1: a magnificent field that belonged to a small Catholic women's college, 40 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:52,800 Speaker 1: and I would watch and this was in the nineties sixties, 41 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,240 Speaker 1: and nuns were still in their habits, and I would 42 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 1: watch the nuns mostly in pairs. They were, they were 43 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:02,639 Speaker 1: never alone, kind of almost float across the field. And 44 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,840 Speaker 1: of course there's my mother's, you know, total dream of 45 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:09,160 Speaker 1: an American house. And she was so proud of Asylum 46 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:12,200 Speaker 1: Avenue for having a built in vacuum cleaner. I mean, 47 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,280 Speaker 1: this is something that she would have never dreamed of 48 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:19,280 Speaker 1: back in Cuba. This is a West Harford, Connecticut. Describe 49 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:25,160 Speaker 1: your father, Harold. Harold was much older than my mother Matile. 50 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,960 Speaker 1: He was intimidating, he was strict. He had been in 51 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,520 Speaker 1: the navy for five years during the Second World War, 52 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:37,160 Speaker 1: and uh, he sort of treated his kids like little soldiers. 53 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:41,080 Speaker 1: Sometimes he had his very quirky ways about him. He 54 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,720 Speaker 1: was also very smart, and I knew that even at 55 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:47,240 Speaker 1: a young age. And I also intoud that he had 56 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,240 Speaker 1: done a lot of living, although I don't know if 57 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,800 Speaker 1: I would have articulated it that way back then, but 58 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,320 Speaker 1: he had done a lot of living before I was born. 59 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,720 Speaker 1: How old was he when you were born? He was 60 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:01,960 Speaker 1: forty two, which is not old by today's standards. But 61 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 1: I was born at the end of nineteen sixty and 62 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:08,240 Speaker 1: my mother was twenty five, so there was quite an 63 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:11,120 Speaker 1: age difference. There was even a cultural gap. There was 64 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,160 Speaker 1: a generational gap, you know. He was always much older 65 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 1: than all the other fathers when I was growing up. 66 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,279 Speaker 1: But I didn't feel that lad. I didn't. You know, 67 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,359 Speaker 1: he wasn't tired, he was energetic, but he was very 68 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,360 Speaker 1: stern when he went to teach night school. I mean, 69 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,080 Speaker 1: it was like a party in our house. You know. 70 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,159 Speaker 1: My mother would put on Cuban dance music. We would dance, 71 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,479 Speaker 1: we would have a TV dinners, you know, the whole thing. 72 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,800 Speaker 1: It was almost like a celebration. And he was very 73 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,719 Speaker 1: strict about our bedtimes. He was, you know, he even 74 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,720 Speaker 1: at one point would shout to eight year old me, 75 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,119 Speaker 1: would bang on the door, Navy shower, don't waste water, 76 00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:49,559 Speaker 1: Navy shower. And the navy shower was that you would rinse, 77 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,080 Speaker 1: you would turn it off and then you would soap up, 78 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 1: and then you would rinse again. That was the navy shower. 79 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,120 Speaker 1: And it was actually terrifying to think my father was 80 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,760 Speaker 1: on the other side of the door screaming Navy shower. 81 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,160 Speaker 1: He also served in the Navy during World War Two. 82 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:07,120 Speaker 1: He was an officer, and uh, I think that that 83 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,200 Speaker 1: gave him some gravitas and it, you know, made him 84 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:13,760 Speaker 1: very American. He had served his country and he was 85 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,320 Speaker 1: very proud of that. I should also say he was 86 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:21,840 Speaker 1: also a rabid Yale football fan. I mean, his his 87 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:25,920 Speaker 1: life revolved around Yale football games. He had a very 88 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:30,640 Speaker 1: prodigious memory and he memorized every single fact about Yale football. 89 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:34,040 Speaker 1: He was also in alum Yale football almost defined him 90 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,520 Speaker 1: and almost defined my childhood in many ways. And also 91 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,280 Speaker 1: his father, Your grandfather was right, yes, which was very 92 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:45,920 Speaker 1: unusual because my grandfather graduated with the class of nineteen 93 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:50,240 Speaker 1: the Sheffield School of Engineering and he was an immigrant 94 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:54,159 Speaker 1: and he my grandfather basically fiddled his way through Yale 95 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,679 Speaker 1: in that he had he got a musician's Union card 96 00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:00,719 Speaker 1: and he played in a lot of society the orchestras 97 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:04,000 Speaker 1: as a student to earn his tuition. What do you 98 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,520 Speaker 1: think your father's obsession with Yale football was about. I 99 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,360 Speaker 1: think that it was it came down a bit from 100 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 1: my grandfather. My grandfather wanted nothing more than to leave 101 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 1: behind Ukraine where he was from. Here he came and 102 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,120 Speaker 1: he was two years old, so he was very, very yad. 103 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 1: He probably didn't really have a memory of Ukraine, but 104 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:29,200 Speaker 1: he wanted to be an American. Our name was americanized Bolton. 105 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:33,720 Speaker 1: He himself, after graduating from Yale and working as the 106 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,599 Speaker 1: city engineer city civil engineer for the town of Behaven, 107 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:42,279 Speaker 1: had a society orchestra with another Yale graduate. But you know, 108 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:46,080 Speaker 1: my grandfather was always on the other side of the door, 109 00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:48,760 Speaker 1: looking in, so to speak, like I always picked to 110 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: him being on the other side of a glass store 111 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,960 Speaker 1: looking in on parties that he would have never been 112 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:58,120 Speaker 1: invited to unless he was actually playing the music for 113 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:04,840 Speaker 1: the parties. My mother, she came from Havana. She immigrated 114 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 1: to the United States in and she came here as 115 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 1: a twenty three year old young woman looking to finish 116 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:16,880 Speaker 1: her schooling because the University of Havannah had closed, and 117 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,200 Speaker 1: she came to Brooklyn and nted her room from some 118 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,840 Speaker 1: cousins of her father's and had a hard time of it. 119 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,800 Speaker 1: She wanted very much to work at the United Nations 120 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,640 Speaker 1: as a translator, and that didn't pan out for her, 121 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:33,280 Speaker 1: so she typed forms and she typed invoices at a 122 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:38,040 Speaker 1: watch factory, and the first winter that she was in Brooklyn, 123 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 1: she caught pneumonia because she just you know, she she 124 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,440 Speaker 1: came from a tropical climate and was not used to 125 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:48,520 Speaker 1: the bad weather. My mother was also a person who 126 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,520 Speaker 1: lived in her fantasies, and living in her fantasy she 127 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,360 Speaker 1: missed a lot of what was happening in real life. 128 00:07:55,920 --> 00:08:00,120 Speaker 1: And one of the stories that she told was that 129 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,280 Speaker 1: when she was a student at the University of Havana, 130 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:07,680 Speaker 1: she was taking a test and she heard gunshots and 131 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 1: this president of the student body had died of the gunshots. 132 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:15,960 Speaker 1: Battista's henchman got him. Well, she was telling this story 133 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,480 Speaker 1: to a friend of mine who was doing a project 134 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:22,920 Speaker 1: on immigration. And mind you, I'm over forty years old 135 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:26,720 Speaker 1: when she's telling this story, and suddenly something clicks and 136 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:30,400 Speaker 1: I start as she's as she's talking, I'm googling dates, 137 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,840 Speaker 1: and I realized that her dates don't line up, none 138 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:37,360 Speaker 1: of it lines up, And I realized she never attended 139 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,000 Speaker 1: the university. If I am, she made that all up. 140 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:47,840 Speaker 1: So do you think that some of your profound desire 141 00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:53,360 Speaker 1: to know your parents, particularly your father, but really both 142 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,840 Speaker 1: of them. Stems from this feeling that you had as 143 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 1: a kid that it didn't all add up, that they didn't, 144 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:05,160 Speaker 1: you know, actually seemed to be who they were saying 145 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:09,080 Speaker 1: they were in part. In part and also when I 146 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,080 Speaker 1: was a kid, I thought they were, you know, the 147 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,360 Speaker 1: most glamorous couple in the world. No matter what went 148 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,319 Speaker 1: on during the week, no matter what, you know, rouse 149 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:21,080 Speaker 1: they got into. On Saturday night or early Saturday, you know, 150 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:25,080 Speaker 1: early early Saturday night, it all stopped. My mother was 151 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:28,520 Speaker 1: all glammed up to go out. She was beautiful, and 152 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,320 Speaker 1: my father was in khaki's in a sport coat, and 153 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:34,280 Speaker 1: off they went to you know, eat dinner with friends, 154 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:37,040 Speaker 1: or to go to a show or whatever they were doing. 155 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 1: But every Saturday night they went out. Every Saturday night, 156 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:42,840 Speaker 1: we had a babysitter. That was a boundary they put. 157 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,440 Speaker 1: And they didn't have very many boundaries in that house, 158 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,160 Speaker 1: I can tell you. So when you talk about Rowse, 159 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:52,880 Speaker 1: what was the marital tension between them like and and 160 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,280 Speaker 1: what did it encompass? You know, what was your sense 161 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:57,960 Speaker 1: as a child of what that was about. It was 162 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,080 Speaker 1: mostly about finances, and they were my mother was very, 163 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:05,360 Speaker 1: very disappointed that my father was not the older Yale graduate, 164 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:10,640 Speaker 1: more established, uh kind of guy in his career that 165 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,840 Speaker 1: she had hoped he would be. She was looking for status, 166 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,560 Speaker 1: she was looking for security. She had grown up very 167 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:20,360 Speaker 1: insecure in Havana, and uh, she was looking to my 168 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:24,240 Speaker 1: father to provide her that security and that financial stability. 169 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,320 Speaker 1: And you know, we weren't poor by any means, and 170 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,680 Speaker 1: you lived in a nice suburb, but she wanted very 171 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,440 Speaker 1: much to keep up. I remember them fighting about bills 172 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:37,360 Speaker 1: that came in from a store one day, and she 173 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,640 Speaker 1: looked at me and said, we're going out. She didn't drive, 174 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,800 Speaker 1: so we took the asylum Avenue of Us about two 175 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,840 Speaker 1: miles blessed, and we went to Lord and Taylor and 176 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,840 Speaker 1: she bought the most gorgeous suit at Lord and Taylor. 177 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,320 Speaker 1: And I remember her whipping out that green card with 178 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,200 Speaker 1: the white lettering, and you know, she was mrsk Harrold 179 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,040 Speaker 1: Molton at Lord and Taylor. So in part it was 180 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,760 Speaker 1: to to get back at my father, and in part 181 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,680 Speaker 1: it was to be the Mrs k Harold Bolton that 182 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 1: she always wanted to be. There was a dangerous quality 183 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:12,240 Speaker 1: to her. She was wiley. She was just a wily survivor. 184 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:17,600 Speaker 1: She actually ended up getting her master's degree without ever 185 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 1: having gone to college. She told the registrar there that 186 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 1: there was absolutely no way to get her transcripts from Havannah. 187 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,960 Speaker 1: And you know, in those days, Havannah was really locked up. 188 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,520 Speaker 1: I mean, there was the embargo, and nobody was getting 189 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:37,280 Speaker 1: through the embargo. And she basically told them, it's locked 190 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:40,679 Speaker 1: behind the Iron curtain. I can't get those transcripts. We 191 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:44,680 Speaker 1: don't have any sort of diplomatic relations with Cuba, and 192 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,840 Speaker 1: you'll just have to take my word for it, and 193 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:51,400 Speaker 1: they let her in. I was very, very attached to her. 194 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:55,320 Speaker 1: There was something very alluring and compelling about her. When 195 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:58,360 Speaker 1: I became a teenager, the dynamic change. But when I 196 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,920 Speaker 1: was a little girl, she was sort of the permissive parent. 197 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,040 Speaker 1: I don't think they wittingly did this, but they almost 198 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:08,760 Speaker 1: played good cop, bad cop with each other. And she 199 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,520 Speaker 1: was always the one that I ran to for comfort, 200 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,280 Speaker 1: and in turn, she ran to me for comfort. We 201 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,640 Speaker 1: comforted each other, which is not always the healthiest relationship 202 00:12:18,679 --> 00:12:21,160 Speaker 1: to have with your eight year old, but that's the 203 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:24,680 Speaker 1: way it was. And I just adored her. And when 204 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:28,480 Speaker 1: she would threaten to leave the family or run away, 205 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:30,880 Speaker 1: or she couldn't take it anymore. I mean, it devastated 206 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:39,040 Speaker 1: me every time. Judy is not alone in her experience 207 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:41,880 Speaker 1: of her good cop bad cop parents. She has two 208 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 1: younger siblings, a brother and a sister. Harold doesn't really 209 00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:48,640 Speaker 1: understand little kids in general, let alone his own. Too 210 00:12:48,679 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 1: young Judy, her dad seems kind of scary. In fact, 211 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:55,240 Speaker 1: she's scared of him. The summer that Judy is nine, 212 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:58,360 Speaker 1: her mother and Matild gathers up her and her siblings 213 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:02,640 Speaker 1: and they go to Miami, Matild's extended family lives. But 214 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:06,720 Speaker 1: to complicate matters, not only does Matild not drive, but 215 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,800 Speaker 1: she doesn't fly either. She's terrified of airplanes. So they 216 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:14,199 Speaker 1: take a train. Matild, Judy, and her siblings. As a 217 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:19,560 Speaker 1: train departs, they see Harold recede into the background. Twenty 218 00:13:19,559 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 1: four hours later, we arrived in Miami. My sister had 219 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:26,880 Speaker 1: motion sickness. My brother, he was very little, so I 220 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:29,640 Speaker 1: don't sure what was happening with him. He was he 221 00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:32,240 Speaker 1: was acting out. He missed my father. I knew I 222 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:35,200 Speaker 1: was terribly homesick. I had never met people like my 223 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,719 Speaker 1: mother's family. They were so different than the Boltons of Behaven. 224 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:43,960 Speaker 1: They were brashed. They were emotional, and they spoke Spanish, 225 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,760 Speaker 1: and I spoke a little bit of Spanish because that's 226 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:50,319 Speaker 1: how I communicated with my maternal grandparents who did live 227 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,560 Speaker 1: in Connecticut. But I have to say that first summer 228 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,640 Speaker 1: that I went to Miami and that we lived in 229 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,400 Speaker 1: Miami for almost three months, that was the first time 230 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:02,000 Speaker 1: I really realized that I was Latin x in some ways. 231 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:05,840 Speaker 1: I realized that my mother came from Cuba, from really 232 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:10,200 Speaker 1: another country. And the thing that I remember most about 233 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:14,400 Speaker 1: that summer was my mother's relatives and a lot of 234 00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:18,640 Speaker 1: Cuban ex pats that lived in her cousin's apartment building, 235 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:24,080 Speaker 1: gathering every night to try and catch arrant airwaves from 236 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 1: the television to see Fie Delcaster Talk, and they were 237 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:33,760 Speaker 1: just sent on seeing him. They would fiddle with the channels, 238 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,360 Speaker 1: they would fiddle with the rabbit ears for a man 239 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:40,360 Speaker 1: they hated so much, they absolutely had to see him. 240 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,640 Speaker 1: And during that period of time, there's no word from 241 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:47,000 Speaker 1: your father, none. Well, I knew that they had had 242 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,800 Speaker 1: a fight and that she was going to leave him. 243 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 1: My Bolton grandparents sent us money, which my mother kind 244 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,360 Speaker 1: of pocketed, and we stayed sort of in a very 245 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:59,160 Speaker 1: run down shabby hotel across the street from my mother's 246 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:02,560 Speaker 1: cousin called the Royal Hotel. I'll never forget it. I'll 247 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,920 Speaker 1: never forget the the owner of the hotel, because I 248 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,360 Speaker 1: would go to the front desk almost every day and 249 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,920 Speaker 1: asked if I had had a letter from my dad, 250 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:15,600 Speaker 1: and she would say, I don't think he's gonna write you. 251 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,880 Speaker 1: You know, I was looking for Basically, my dad was 252 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,920 Speaker 1: a very prolific correspondent, even when I was a little kid. 253 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:24,920 Speaker 1: He sent Birthday cards and Valentine's cards in the mail, 254 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: which was just an absolute thrill and also reflected that 255 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 1: formality that he had, and he sent the sugariest literally 256 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:37,640 Speaker 1: Valentine's cards. And I was basically missing him and lonely, 257 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,000 Speaker 1: and I was looking for a Valentine's card in the 258 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 1: middle of July and I never got it. We'll be 259 00:15:46,840 --> 00:16:03,640 Speaker 1: right back. During this long, lonely summer, Judy scrambles up 260 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,520 Speaker 1: dimes and tries to reach her father to no avail 261 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:11,400 Speaker 1: via pay phone. Eventually, after about three months, he does 262 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,000 Speaker 1: come to make up with her mother and collect them all. 263 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,840 Speaker 1: At first, he insists that they're all going to fly 264 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:21,080 Speaker 1: home together, but Judy's mother simply cannot fly, so back 265 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:24,320 Speaker 1: on the train to West Hartford they go. Once she's home, 266 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,000 Speaker 1: ever curious about her parents, Judy begins to do what 267 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,600 Speaker 1: so many people who into it that there are secrets do, 268 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:36,080 Speaker 1: She Snoops. I always spot of them as glamorous in 269 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,800 Speaker 1: some way. And I always wondered about my dad, so 270 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:43,040 Speaker 1: much older, living the life, a full life before he 271 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:46,400 Speaker 1: had me, And in some ways I found evidence of that. 272 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:50,720 Speaker 1: I found a picture that unfortunately no longer exists, of 273 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:55,440 Speaker 1: him in literally a pith helmet and flowing khakis, and 274 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,800 Speaker 1: in the back of the picture is written Guatemala two. 275 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:04,440 Speaker 1: And that forever piqued my interest, so much so that 276 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,720 Speaker 1: later on I would go on to write my m 277 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,720 Speaker 1: F a thesis about that and about him. Sometimes when 278 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:15,240 Speaker 1: we stumble upon something that has meaning, even if we 279 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:18,480 Speaker 1: don't know what that meaning is, somehow like its shimmers, 280 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:22,280 Speaker 1: it takes on this kind of weight to it. There 281 00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,800 Speaker 1: was something about Guatemala, as if it pertained to your 282 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,919 Speaker 1: dad that you had a feeling about. Well, it was 283 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:32,600 Speaker 1: so far away, and it sounded so exotic, and my 284 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:36,200 Speaker 1: parents were very social in those years. My parents had 285 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:41,159 Speaker 1: very loud, raucous joyous parties. Um. They were friends with 286 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,439 Speaker 1: a lot of Latin X people in the Hartford area 287 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:48,600 Speaker 1: and there was a lot of um singing. Someone inevitably 288 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:53,480 Speaker 1: brought a guitar to my parents house and my mother sang. 289 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,280 Speaker 1: She had a beautiful singing voice, and her song of 290 00:17:56,359 --> 00:18:00,359 Speaker 1: choice was usually Juan Panama. And I remember, you know, 291 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,040 Speaker 1: watching those parties almost from the top of the stairs, 292 00:18:03,119 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 1: or at least trying trying to listen in. And I 293 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,680 Speaker 1: think that added to the whole romance and the whole 294 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:13,080 Speaker 1: curiosity of who my parents were. And at that time, coincidentally, 295 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 1: I was reading a series about a detective girl who 296 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 1: happened to be named Judy Bolton, which throwed me to 297 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,879 Speaker 1: no end to see my name on the cover of 298 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:25,359 Speaker 1: a book. So I think I also took on that 299 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,440 Speaker 1: persona and had a little bit of fun with it. 300 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:35,119 Speaker 1: They're becoming Judy Bolton, girl detective. Exactly when Judy is twelve, 301 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:38,200 Speaker 1: a young woman around nineteen years old comes to visit 302 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:46,320 Speaker 1: and so begins the Summer of Anna. Anna just sort 303 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:50,960 Speaker 1: of literally showed up in our lives. Um. There was 304 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,080 Speaker 1: really no context for her, but we you know, my 305 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:57,760 Speaker 1: brother and sister and I loved her dearly. We She 306 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,080 Speaker 1: was just a lot of fun. And when Anna was around, 307 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:05,560 Speaker 1: my father was so much more relaxed and and happy. 308 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,360 Speaker 1: You know, the guy who made us drink skin milk, 309 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,520 Speaker 1: let us get SODA's. You know, we could do all 310 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,520 Speaker 1: sorts of things. We could have sugary cereals because Anna 311 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:18,159 Speaker 1: like them. So whatever Anna liked, she got from my 312 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,960 Speaker 1: father and as a consequence, that spilled down to us 313 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,960 Speaker 1: and we could sort of share in her in her bounty. 314 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:30,560 Speaker 1: What was your understanding, if any of why Anna was 315 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:34,840 Speaker 1: visiting you. Anna was staying with a local family, and 316 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:40,000 Speaker 1: she was supposedly an exchange student. But you know, my 317 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,080 Speaker 1: mother was very suspicious of her, very jealous of her. 318 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,159 Speaker 1: She was the cause of a lot of tension in 319 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:49,119 Speaker 1: our house. She would, you know, tell my father you 320 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,679 Speaker 1: love her more than you love your children. You're in 321 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,800 Speaker 1: love with her. I mean, she didn't quite know what 322 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,960 Speaker 1: role to put her in. Was she some of the 323 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:58,919 Speaker 1: had crush on Could he have been a child of hers? 324 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,280 Speaker 1: That he father in ga a model? She just you know, 325 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,640 Speaker 1: looking back on it, I realized that she was confused. 326 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,800 Speaker 1: But Anna was staying locally with a family in West Harford, 327 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,480 Speaker 1: and she was introduced to my family because my father 328 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 1: had spent time in Guatemala and she consequently spent a 329 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,520 Speaker 1: lot of time with us. We took her to Behaven, 330 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,640 Speaker 1: she met my grandparents, and she also met my father's 331 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:25,159 Speaker 1: best friend and his family, and we frequently went to 332 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,200 Speaker 1: their house for the weekends too. Tell me a little 333 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:32,560 Speaker 1: bit about your father's best friend. Felippe and my father 334 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:39,040 Speaker 1: became friends through Philippa's brother, who my father met when 335 00:20:39,119 --> 00:20:42,320 Speaker 1: he was studying at the Wharton School after the war. 336 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,520 Speaker 1: Philippe was the person that my father visited often in 337 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:50,480 Speaker 1: Latin America or traveled with in Latin America, and they 338 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:54,600 Speaker 1: were very very close. And even though Philippe lived probably 339 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,520 Speaker 1: a good two hour derive from West Harford, I placed 340 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,960 Speaker 1: him in Westchester. We went to this them, you know, 341 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 1: probably every six weeks. The two families were very close. 342 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:08,240 Speaker 1: The two wives actually got along very well, and my 343 00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:12,360 Speaker 1: father and Philippe were always huddled in a corner talking 344 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,840 Speaker 1: and we just assumed that, you know, they were just 345 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:19,560 Speaker 1: close traveling companions and close buddies, and we really didn't 346 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,720 Speaker 1: think about it, but Philippo had an American mother and 347 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,920 Speaker 1: el Salvadoran father, and he grew up mostly in El Salvador, 348 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:33,720 Speaker 1: with boarding school in the United States. My mother had 349 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,080 Speaker 1: always wanted me to go to a Jewish school. My 350 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:40,440 Speaker 1: father grew up in a totally assimilated family, even though 351 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:44,040 Speaker 1: my grandfather's father was a rabbi. She used to joke 352 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,679 Speaker 1: that when the first time she had her own kitchen, 353 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,480 Speaker 1: you know, when she moved out of her parents house 354 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,520 Speaker 1: and she was married, she made a poor groast. I 355 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,080 Speaker 1: don't know if that's true or not, but that's what 356 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,040 Speaker 1: she used to say. They were very, very They did 357 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:59,679 Speaker 1: not observe anything. They barely went to synagogue or to 358 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,479 Speaker 1: tell both. And my mother grew up among the Safari 359 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:06,600 Speaker 1: community in Havana, and she grew up very traditionally. She 360 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:11,119 Speaker 1: went to a Jewish school, as most Cuban Jewish kids 361 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:15,280 Speaker 1: did in her generation, and she was a believer and 362 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:17,919 Speaker 1: my father was not. I think that was the strict 363 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,959 Speaker 1: dividing line. And when she had finally had enough of 364 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,119 Speaker 1: me being in public school, I think the thing that 365 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,879 Speaker 1: really threw her for a loop was that they were 366 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:30,639 Speaker 1: teaching a sex education and she just could not abide that. 367 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:35,159 Speaker 1: So she enrolled us in the local yeshiva. I was 368 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:39,119 Speaker 1: there for six, seventh, eighth, and ninth grade, and in 369 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:42,159 Speaker 1: my last year there in ninth grade, there was a 370 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:45,240 Speaker 1: community of Lebovic educators that came to teach us in 371 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:49,480 Speaker 1: the school, and I became very mesmerized by the community. 372 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,520 Speaker 1: I loved that there was an embracing community. I loved 373 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,439 Speaker 1: that they were so kind to me, and it just 374 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:59,480 Speaker 1: seemed to be an oasis from my family life, where 375 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:03,440 Speaker 1: everything is just so tense and you know, my mother 376 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:07,240 Speaker 1: constantly upset and my father trying to do something about it. 377 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,040 Speaker 1: So that was the weird part of my education. I 378 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:15,359 Speaker 1: left the yeshiva as an ultra Orthodox Jew and my 379 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:17,400 Speaker 1: parents were having none of that, and they would not 380 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:20,240 Speaker 1: let me go to a boarding school, a Jewish girls 381 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:24,399 Speaker 1: boarding school in Brooklyn or in Providence, Rhode Island. And 382 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,840 Speaker 1: I said, well, I only want to be with girls. 383 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,119 Speaker 1: I don't want to be in a classroom with boys. 384 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,200 Speaker 1: And I said, well, here are you two choices. Mrs 385 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,119 Speaker 1: Porter's School, which I didn't think that I would be 386 00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:38,960 Speaker 1: a very good fit for Mount Saint Jose's Academy, the 387 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,280 Speaker 1: local Catholic girls school. And you know, I was a teenager, 388 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:44,199 Speaker 1: so I had a bit of obstinate streak to me, 389 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,000 Speaker 1: and I said, and I thought I would last there 390 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:47,760 Speaker 1: two weeks, and that they would they would give in 391 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,040 Speaker 1: and send me to the school I wanted to go to. 392 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,639 Speaker 1: I said, I'll go to Mount Saint Joseph Academy. And 393 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:57,439 Speaker 1: it was definitely a strange situation at first, but I 394 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:01,359 Speaker 1: really ended up liking it. And at that time, the 395 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,680 Speaker 1: nuns were younger and they were out of their habits, 396 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:07,359 Speaker 1: and they were very social justice minded, and I just 397 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,879 Speaker 1: I loved being around them. I loved the support, I 398 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:14,000 Speaker 1: loved the female energy. And by the end of that year, 399 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:17,239 Speaker 1: I had sort of not only just acclimated, but I 400 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:20,240 Speaker 1: had sort of found my way to a Judaism that 401 00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:24,120 Speaker 1: was not as extreme and uh something that I could 402 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,960 Speaker 1: feel that I was still very Jewish but not alienating 403 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,720 Speaker 1: my family, which was it was very hard. That was 404 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,800 Speaker 1: very hard when I was observing Shabbat and wouldn't eat 405 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,240 Speaker 1: their food and only ate cold food on their plates. 406 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,879 Speaker 1: So it was a hard time and I couldn't sustain it, 407 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:41,879 Speaker 1: and in the end I didn't want to sustain it. 408 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:45,119 Speaker 1: I made friends and I loved it, and I taught 409 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:48,840 Speaker 1: my friends about my religion, and they taught me about 410 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:52,400 Speaker 1: their religion and I never had to go to religion 411 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:57,120 Speaker 1: class uh with with them. I got to sit out 412 00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:00,359 Speaker 1: and study hall with the Protestants and it was just, 413 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,920 Speaker 1: you know, it all worked out, and the nuns were 414 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:07,679 Speaker 1: very accommodating. We were a uniform at the mount and 415 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:11,040 Speaker 1: there was a patch with a cross inside a crown, 416 00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:13,399 Speaker 1: and I did not have to wear that patch. I 417 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,240 Speaker 1: did not have to wear that cross. And do you 418 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:19,000 Speaker 1: think judy that you know, sort of the drift towards 419 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:24,760 Speaker 1: ultra orthodox Judaism had to do with, to some degree, 420 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,960 Speaker 1: either differentiating yourself from your parents and your family, or 421 00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:31,200 Speaker 1: a sense of order. You know that there are rules 422 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:35,080 Speaker 1: and rituals to follow for absolutely everything. Um was that 423 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,440 Speaker 1: a source of comfort? I think it was both those things, 424 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:41,359 Speaker 1: but I think above all, it was like a community 425 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,080 Speaker 1: that I felt I was embraced by. It was a 426 00:25:44,119 --> 00:25:48,320 Speaker 1: sense of belonging. There was no judgment, and I really 427 00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:51,600 Speaker 1: liked that. I really and I needed that. I was 428 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:55,520 Speaker 1: sort of a lonely kid, and beginning at that time, 429 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:58,600 Speaker 1: my mother was really having a hard time watching me 430 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:02,080 Speaker 1: grow up. And I was embraced by that community and 431 00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:09,280 Speaker 1: I just it was very compelling to me. We'll be 432 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:26,440 Speaker 1: back in a moment with more family secrets. Though Judy's 433 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,960 Speaker 1: mother has a hard time watching her grow up, that's 434 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:32,119 Speaker 1: inevitably what she does. She finishes high school, and she 435 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:35,560 Speaker 1: goes off to college, and then she begins to have 436 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:39,240 Speaker 1: panic attacks. These panic attacks begin to govern her life, 437 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:44,320 Speaker 1: as panic attacks often do. First one I had was 438 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:48,600 Speaker 1: when I was nineteen. Um, I had little many ones 439 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,359 Speaker 1: looking back on it, but that one seemed to be 440 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:55,439 Speaker 1: the one that I'd like to describe as taking hold 441 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:58,400 Speaker 1: of me. That was the one that divided my life 442 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,719 Speaker 1: into her before and after, I was never the same again. 443 00:27:02,119 --> 00:27:06,479 Speaker 1: And I remember, as clear as as I remember, you know, 444 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:11,119 Speaker 1: this morning I was visiting a boyfriend uh down in Baltimore. 445 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:14,359 Speaker 1: He was in college there, and I was going back 446 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,720 Speaker 1: the next day, going back home for the summer, and 447 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,800 Speaker 1: I was very upset about being separated from him because 448 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:22,800 Speaker 1: I would have to deal with my mother, who by 449 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:26,400 Speaker 1: that time was really my jailer. She really didn't let 450 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,880 Speaker 1: me do anything. She only let me which is kind 451 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:32,080 Speaker 1: of ironic. She only let me go out with this 452 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:34,479 Speaker 1: boy and be with him all the time, which there 453 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,520 Speaker 1: wasn't a lot of safety in that if you think 454 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:39,320 Speaker 1: about it from the perspective of a parent. And I 455 00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:41,919 Speaker 1: remember waking up in the middle of the night. He 456 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:45,560 Speaker 1: was sleeping sound late, and I was gasping for air. 457 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:50,760 Speaker 1: I could not breathe, and I was just encircled with 458 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:55,640 Speaker 1: this feeling of absolute dread and fear. And as I said, 459 00:27:55,640 --> 00:28:00,080 Speaker 1: it divided my life into it before and after. As 460 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:03,960 Speaker 1: I got older, I realized that my mother was such 461 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,240 Speaker 1: a bully because she was so afraid of the world. 462 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:10,239 Speaker 1: Her bullying was really born of fear, and she was 463 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,919 Speaker 1: She also had panic attacks. I mean, she didn't call 464 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:16,560 Speaker 1: them a lot, but that's what she had. H And 465 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:20,359 Speaker 1: I remember when I was in such desperate straits and 466 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:23,280 Speaker 1: I just couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't go anywhere, 467 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:26,880 Speaker 1: and I was so anxious. I just all I could 468 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:30,320 Speaker 1: do was crouch in the shower and cry. She said 469 00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:34,199 Speaker 1: to me, if you don't stop this, I'm going to 470 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:38,280 Speaker 1: having you admitted to the Institute for Living. I'm going 471 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:42,360 Speaker 1: to commit you. And that, of course was my ultimate fear, 472 00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:45,560 Speaker 1: that I was crazy. So she played right into my 473 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,680 Speaker 1: ultimate fear. And I will never forget the way she 474 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:55,880 Speaker 1: said that to me. Judy graduates from college and her 475 00:28:55,920 --> 00:29:00,520 Speaker 1: panic attacks continue. What plagues her most is the constantticipation 476 00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:03,520 Speaker 1: that she's going to have another one, but she presses on. 477 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:06,280 Speaker 1: She moved to New York and gets a job in publishing. 478 00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:09,760 Speaker 1: She pursues her fiction m f A at Columbia, where 479 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:12,120 Speaker 1: she works on a thesis that allows her to become 480 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:15,120 Speaker 1: closer with her father. She also meets the man who 481 00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:20,120 Speaker 1: will become her husband. They have two children, Anna, named 482 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:26,200 Speaker 1: after Judy's grandmother, and Adam. My father and I had 483 00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:31,080 Speaker 1: rediscovered each other after I went to Columbia and I 484 00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:34,200 Speaker 1: wrote a thesis called the ninety Day Wonder. The ninety 485 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:37,960 Speaker 1: day Wonder was a deliberate reference to his service in 486 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:41,800 Speaker 1: the Second World War. It was a program for college 487 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,760 Speaker 1: graduates who were fast tracked to be officers because there 488 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:47,200 Speaker 1: were such a need for officers we were going to war, 489 00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:50,680 Speaker 1: and he was a ninety day Wonder and he literally 490 00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:55,320 Speaker 1: was immersed in everything naval for three months and he 491 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,760 Speaker 1: came out and ensign. And at the time I thought 492 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,800 Speaker 1: the term was so blended because it was ninety day 493 00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:06,040 Speaker 1: wonders wonderfully, but after doing some research for the book, 494 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:09,840 Speaker 1: I realized that it was a bajardive term, and that 495 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:14,000 Speaker 1: they were called that by the enlisted men or the sailors, 496 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:17,360 Speaker 1: or whoever they were, whoever were under them, because I mean, 497 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:20,480 Speaker 1: these guys had to salute twenty three year olds and 498 00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:22,960 Speaker 1: they had socks older than I was. Twenty three year olds, 499 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:27,600 Speaker 1: so it was a very tense relationship. And I wrote 500 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:30,160 Speaker 1: a thesis I was then a fiction writer, and it 501 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:32,720 Speaker 1: talked about my dad and the Navy, and it also 502 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:36,880 Speaker 1: speculated about my father's time in Guatemala, because by then 503 00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:41,320 Speaker 1: I had become very suspicious. Why was your suspicion level 504 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:47,240 Speaker 1: rising and rising? What was that about? And also do 505 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:50,040 Speaker 1: you think that enrolling in an m f A program 506 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:55,480 Speaker 1: and writing fiction, which is sometimes a way of actually 507 00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:58,520 Speaker 1: getting at the truths that we don't know, was that 508 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:03,840 Speaker 1: subconsciously an attempt to figure him out? Oh? Yes, I 509 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:06,280 Speaker 1: mean I I wrote a lot about him. I mean 510 00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:08,640 Speaker 1: a lot of the stories are in a different form 511 00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:10,600 Speaker 1: of matter now because I didn't keep them and I 512 00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:14,200 Speaker 1: didn't include them in my basis, But yes I had. 513 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:17,040 Speaker 1: I then learned a thing or two about American history 514 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:20,320 Speaker 1: and about our involvement in Latin America, and I started 515 00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:23,719 Speaker 1: putting dates together, and I was just very very suspicious 516 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:26,680 Speaker 1: of what he was doing there. What was a Jewish 517 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:31,360 Speaker 1: guy from New Haven, Connecticut doing traveling throughout Guatemala who 518 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:34,760 Speaker 1: worked at the United Fruit Company for a while, which 519 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:37,960 Speaker 1: is a well known CIA front. I would say, hey, Dad, 520 00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:40,960 Speaker 1: you were spy. Martin's like, don't be ridiculous. You always 521 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:43,080 Speaker 1: make things up. And you know, we would joke about it, 522 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:46,640 Speaker 1: and we were becoming friends. We had never really been friends. 523 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:49,400 Speaker 1: You would go out and get beers together. When I 524 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:51,720 Speaker 1: came home for the weekend, he came to visit me 525 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:53,800 Speaker 1: in New York and hung out with me and my 526 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,960 Speaker 1: friends in a bar. I mean, we really, we really 527 00:31:57,000 --> 00:32:02,480 Speaker 1: liked each other. This friendship between Judy and her father 528 00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:05,880 Speaker 1: would soon be challenged by his struggle with Parkinson's disease. 529 00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:10,280 Speaker 1: He died in two thousand two. After her father's death, 530 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:13,800 Speaker 1: Judy sets out to continue her relationship with him somehow. 531 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:16,840 Speaker 1: To keep him near, she decides to recite the Cottage, 532 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,920 Speaker 1: the Jewish prayer for the dead. According to tradition, a 533 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:24,040 Speaker 1: child recites the Cottage for a parent every day for 534 00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:27,880 Speaker 1: eleven months. The prayer is recited in synagogue with a 535 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:31,160 Speaker 1: minion which is a group of ten adults. This isn't 536 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:35,120 Speaker 1: easy to accomplish, but even on vacations, Judy never misses 537 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,360 Speaker 1: a day. She always finds a minion, and she always 538 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:41,640 Speaker 1: has cottage for her father. It's also during these eleven 539 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:45,560 Speaker 1: months that Judy's antennae are really quivering. She is yearning 540 00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:47,800 Speaker 1: to put together the pieces of her dad's elusive and 541 00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:52,080 Speaker 1: mysterious history, and so she consults, as many do when 542 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:58,320 Speaker 1: trying to uncover truths about those who have passed. A medium. 543 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:00,840 Speaker 1: I kept a journal the year I said the Cottish 544 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:02,840 Speaker 1: and thought that it would be a book, and thought 545 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,280 Speaker 1: it would be a book that I would eventually write. 546 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:08,880 Speaker 1: But the book was going nowhere. It was just nice 547 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:12,240 Speaker 1: insights and you know, memories that would only be of 548 00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:15,200 Speaker 1: interest to my family. And I knew that I had 549 00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,680 Speaker 1: to do more than that. I knew it had to 550 00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:21,800 Speaker 1: have an arc. It had to have scenes and action, 551 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:24,720 Speaker 1: and not just about me going to synagogue every day 552 00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:27,320 Speaker 1: and remembering my dad, which of course is lovely, but 553 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:33,200 Speaker 1: it's it's not compelling reading. So I consulted mediums, and 554 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:36,280 Speaker 1: one of them was a man at my synagogue who 555 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:40,760 Speaker 1: had had in your death experience and started seeing spirits 556 00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:45,920 Speaker 1: around people, and he was eerily accurate. He didn't not 557 00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,120 Speaker 1: know anything about me. I had not published anything about 558 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:51,840 Speaker 1: my dad at that point, and when I came to 559 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:56,880 Speaker 1: his house, he said, I'm getting to two initials that 560 00:33:56,920 --> 00:34:00,280 Speaker 1: are really important, and A and a kay, which is 561 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:03,640 Speaker 1: of course Anna my grandmother, and Ken my husband. But 562 00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:06,680 Speaker 1: I'm also for some reason, it keeps sending me to 563 00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:11,160 Speaker 1: the globe and asking me to look up Guatemala, and 564 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:13,520 Speaker 1: you know, maybe you could have put it together, but 565 00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:16,120 Speaker 1: I doubt it. There I really didn't have any kind 566 00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:20,440 Speaker 1: of Internet presence then, so that deeply impressed me. And 567 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:25,360 Speaker 1: then I went to someone who's just a Charlottean. Both 568 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:28,920 Speaker 1: mediums do have one striking thing in common. They both 569 00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:32,320 Speaker 1: hold up four fingers to represent the number of children. 570 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:35,719 Speaker 1: Her father had had, but Judy was just one of three, right, 571 00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:40,920 Speaker 1: well maybe not. As she and her siblings got older, 572 00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:45,560 Speaker 1: they grew increasingly suspicious about that wonderful summertime visitor they 573 00:34:45,600 --> 00:34:50,440 Speaker 1: once had. Anna was another half sister. The medium's suggested 574 00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:52,560 Speaker 1: as much, and so Judy sets off on a quest 575 00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:55,400 Speaker 1: to find out more. She reaches out to her father's 576 00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:59,239 Speaker 1: best friend, Philippe and asks to come visit, maybe he'll 577 00:34:59,239 --> 00:35:04,439 Speaker 1: know something. Finifa at that point was was an old man. 578 00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:07,360 Speaker 1: When I visited him. I was almost fifty years old, 579 00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:11,239 Speaker 1: and he was in his eighties, and he had an 580 00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:13,640 Speaker 1: apartment in New York City and he also lived on 581 00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:15,719 Speaker 1: a coffee farm or it was. That's what he told me. 582 00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:19,319 Speaker 1: In Elsa and I had been telling a friend, I 583 00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:21,439 Speaker 1: really need to speak to someone who knew my dad 584 00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:24,920 Speaker 1: back in the day, and there's really only one person 585 00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:28,279 Speaker 1: that has the answers, and she said, Sweetie, go find him. 586 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,040 Speaker 1: And I found him on the internet. I had to 587 00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:33,879 Speaker 1: spell his name in a lot of different ways, and 588 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:36,279 Speaker 1: it wasn't that easy to find him, but I did 589 00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:39,319 Speaker 1: find him. I did persist, and I his name just 590 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:44,560 Speaker 1: popped up on this obscure list of reunion attendance at 591 00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:48,040 Speaker 1: at the school he went to. So I emailed him. 592 00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:50,840 Speaker 1: I only had his email address, and he wrote back 593 00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:55,560 Speaker 1: almost within minutes and said, it's a miracle I found you, 594 00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:57,840 Speaker 1: or you found me and we found each other. I mean, 595 00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:00,719 Speaker 1: he was just so so thrilled that I had made 596 00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:03,680 Speaker 1: contact with him, and I said that I wanted to 597 00:36:03,719 --> 00:36:07,040 Speaker 1: come visit him. I visited him a few times in 598 00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:11,200 Speaker 1: New York City and I interviewed him, and I asked 599 00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:14,600 Speaker 1: him what my father was doing in Guatemala, what their 600 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:18,040 Speaker 1: relationship was, and what Felipa was actually doing with my 601 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:21,120 Speaker 1: father in Guatemala, because he seemed to have he seemed 602 00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:23,239 Speaker 1: to be a big part of my father's life back then, 603 00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:28,439 Speaker 1: and he was very hesitant and secretive to answer any 604 00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:32,239 Speaker 1: of my questions. But he did finally answer, And what 605 00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:35,680 Speaker 1: did he tell you? After maybe an hour and a 606 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:38,600 Speaker 1: half of chit chat and catching up on family, I 607 00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:41,279 Speaker 1: said that I had come there to ask him a 608 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:45,399 Speaker 1: question about my dad and him in their relationship, and 609 00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:48,480 Speaker 1: I wanted to know if my father had been in 610 00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:53,080 Speaker 1: the CIA. And there was a long silence. You know, 611 00:36:53,120 --> 00:36:56,759 Speaker 1: it's funny. I don't remember that silence as being necessarily uncomfortable. 612 00:36:57,040 --> 00:37:01,480 Speaker 1: I remember it as giving Felipe a few moments of 613 00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:04,439 Speaker 1: grace to kind of pull himself together. And then all 614 00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:09,120 Speaker 1: he said to me was yes. And I said, what 615 00:37:09,239 --> 00:37:11,400 Speaker 1: did you do there? And he said, I can't really 616 00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:15,520 Speaker 1: talk about it, And I said, surely it's declassified. Surely, 617 00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:18,880 Speaker 1: you know, at that point, I was filling up foyas 618 00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:21,640 Speaker 1: and I wasn't getting anywhere. Surely you can tell me 619 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:25,759 Speaker 1: a little bit. And he said, your father and I 620 00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:30,719 Speaker 1: believed in the United States and believed in democracy in 621 00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:33,879 Speaker 1: Latin America. And your father was a very noble man, 622 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:38,439 Speaker 1: and he was a patriot. And you know, we would 623 00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:40,480 Speaker 1: do that dance every time we saw each other. Your 624 00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:43,000 Speaker 1: father was a noble man, he was a patriot. Yes, 625 00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:46,000 Speaker 1: he were in Guatemala. Yes, we tried to overthrow or 626 00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:49,319 Speaker 1: actually they did help overthrow the r vents government. I 627 00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:52,560 Speaker 1: asked him about Anna, and he said, I can't tell 628 00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:55,480 Speaker 1: all of your father's secrets. He just was not willing 629 00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:58,480 Speaker 1: to go that far. One of the things that he 630 00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:02,440 Speaker 1: says to you is insert your father into history and 631 00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:06,200 Speaker 1: you will have the whole story exactly. He was very enigmatic. 632 00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:08,160 Speaker 1: But that's he said that to me a few times. 633 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:14,759 Speaker 1: So Judy does her best to imagine her father in 634 00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:17,640 Speaker 1: the context of his history. What had he been doing 635 00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:20,840 Speaker 1: and where had he been doing it? What were his secrets. 636 00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:25,040 Speaker 1: At a certain point, she contacts Phelippe again. She really 637 00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:27,880 Speaker 1: wants to crack him about Anna. She longs for the 638 00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:30,680 Speaker 1: truth and is pretty sure Phelipe knows more than he's 639 00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:34,360 Speaker 1: told her. But when she reaches out Phelipe is unwilling 640 00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:39,160 Speaker 1: to share more. Well, he hangs up on me because 641 00:38:39,239 --> 00:38:42,319 Speaker 1: I had called him from the Yale Library where I 642 00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:45,400 Speaker 1: was doing research. A reporter friend of mine said, go 643 00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:48,080 Speaker 1: and meet your dad's class notes. You'd be so surprised 644 00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:51,440 Speaker 1: at how illuminating they are. And in addition to reading 645 00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:54,640 Speaker 1: my father's class notes, I also read the class notes 646 00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:57,920 Speaker 1: of his cousin who graduated twenty years earlier from Yale 647 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:02,440 Speaker 1: that I'm his namesake, man, I'm named after. And I 648 00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,560 Speaker 1: don't know what compelled me to to read his class notes. 649 00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:09,080 Speaker 1: I just I just thought it would be interesting. And 650 00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:11,040 Speaker 1: I was there already, so and I you know, I 651 00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:12,759 Speaker 1: had a hotel room for the night, so why not. 652 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:16,040 Speaker 1: And as I was reading his class notes, I'm reading 653 00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:20,200 Speaker 1: class notes from the early nineties fifties, and this cousin 654 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:24,240 Speaker 1: of his is talking about going on junkets to Central America, 655 00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:29,120 Speaker 1: and it just hits me that he was the one 656 00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:33,160 Speaker 1: that was my father's CIA handler and the one that 657 00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:37,200 Speaker 1: got him into the CIA, and the one who recruited him. 658 00:39:37,239 --> 00:39:40,480 Speaker 1: I mean, who goes on a junket to Latin America? 659 00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:43,560 Speaker 1: But that's what he wrote in the class notes. So 660 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:48,160 Speaker 1: I immediately stepped out and I called Felipe and I 661 00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:51,080 Speaker 1: said it was his cousin, wasn't it. And he said, 662 00:39:51,200 --> 00:39:53,239 Speaker 1: I can't talk to you about that. I said, no, 663 00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:55,239 Speaker 1: it was his cousin. I just read it in the 664 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:58,120 Speaker 1: class notes. And he hung up on me. And that 665 00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:00,759 Speaker 1: was the last time I talked to him. But after 666 00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:03,640 Speaker 1: Philip I died, I spoke to his son, who told 667 00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:05,279 Speaker 1: me that the two of them were also in the 668 00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:09,040 Speaker 1: Dominican Republic, causing me him there. And my father never 669 00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:14,120 Speaker 1: told me that he was in the Dominican Republic. Fast 670 00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:18,560 Speaker 1: forward to March, and we all know what happened in March. 671 00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:23,439 Speaker 1: By this point, Judy has solved some mysteries about her father, 672 00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:27,239 Speaker 1: but so many remain. There is, of course, still the 673 00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:31,160 Speaker 1: mystery of Anna. Judy had ordered a DNA test, but 674 00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:33,840 Speaker 1: it's been sitting around for years. I can't tell you 675 00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:36,279 Speaker 1: how often this happens, and by the time she gets 676 00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:39,759 Speaker 1: around to opening the box, it's expired. She has a 677 00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:42,960 Speaker 1: sort of research trip planned to go to Guatemala. She 678 00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:46,560 Speaker 1: wants to find Anna herself, but a shoulder injury and 679 00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:50,680 Speaker 1: a global pandemic thwart these plans, and Judy cancels the trip. 680 00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:56,879 Speaker 1: There's this um Spanish word that comes up quite often 681 00:40:56,920 --> 00:41:01,040 Speaker 1: in your book, trusty end this. Yes, trust ends. Yes, 682 00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:03,799 Speaker 1: it's a very particular word in Spanish that my mother 683 00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:07,280 Speaker 1: used to hurl at my father. Yes, it has deep secrets. 684 00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:10,680 Speaker 1: They're so deep that they're locked in a storeroom. Yeah. 685 00:41:10,719 --> 00:41:12,319 Speaker 1: I mean, it's just such a great word. It's like 686 00:41:12,719 --> 00:41:18,520 Speaker 1: the deepest kind of secret. Mhm. Judy is thinking about 687 00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:21,239 Speaker 1: trust end us as she continues to reckon with the 688 00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:24,680 Speaker 1: mystery of Anna. Who is she and where is she? 689 00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:29,240 Speaker 1: And more pressing than these two questions, Judy poses another 690 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:33,360 Speaker 1: impossible question to herself, which is, how can I continue 691 00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:36,080 Speaker 1: to search for a woman for whom there's not enough 692 00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:40,200 Speaker 1: room in my soul. At this stage in Judy's life 693 00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:43,480 Speaker 1: and research and writing about her father's past, she deeply 694 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:47,680 Speaker 1: believes that Anna is her half sister. She's almost certain 695 00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:51,080 Speaker 1: of this, and yet to know for sure. To dig 696 00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:54,719 Speaker 1: deeper is almost more than she can tolerate. It's the 697 00:41:54,760 --> 00:42:00,719 Speaker 1: trust end us at the center of her story. I 698 00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:04,200 Speaker 1: think I had some solid grounding and some solid facts 699 00:42:04,239 --> 00:42:07,839 Speaker 1: that I uncovered about my dad, and I think this 700 00:42:08,000 --> 00:42:13,080 Speaker 1: mixture of the facts and the speculative nonfiction that I had. 701 00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:18,560 Speaker 1: Mixing them together yielded for me a very profound, unshakable truth. 702 00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:22,840 Speaker 1: I believe. I know my father was in the CIA. 703 00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:26,719 Speaker 1: I mean, it's you know, it's more than circumstantial. And 704 00:42:26,760 --> 00:42:30,160 Speaker 1: I believe that he father a daughter whose name was 705 00:42:30,200 --> 00:42:36,160 Speaker 1: Anna like his mother. Where does this leave you now 706 00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:41,200 Speaker 1: in relationship to your history? And you're right towards the 707 00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:42,719 Speaker 1: end of the book about you know, your mother is 708 00:42:42,719 --> 00:42:46,480 Speaker 1: still living, she's being moved to assisted living, and you 709 00:42:46,560 --> 00:42:50,080 Speaker 1: and your siblings empty out se asylum. You know the 710 00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:54,760 Speaker 1: weight of all that history, being raised in a house 711 00:42:54,840 --> 00:42:59,520 Speaker 1: full of secrets, full of sort of half truths and 712 00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:04,800 Speaker 1: made up lives to some degree, made up narratives. You've 713 00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:10,520 Speaker 1: built a family for yourself that is loving and solid 714 00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:14,480 Speaker 1: and about as far away from the family that you 715 00:43:14,520 --> 00:43:19,359 Speaker 1: were raised in as you could possibly get. Right, I 716 00:43:19,400 --> 00:43:21,960 Speaker 1: think I found the answers to what I needed, or 717 00:43:22,360 --> 00:43:26,400 Speaker 1: the answers to to what I suspected and speculated about. 718 00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:29,640 Speaker 1: And I think that I found the truth, And um, 719 00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:32,360 Speaker 1: I'm very at peace with that that I found the truth. 720 00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:52,200 Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. Molly's 721 00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:54,840 Speaker 1: a Core is the story editor and Dylan Fagan is 722 00:43:54,880 --> 00:43:58,600 Speaker 1: the executive producer. If you have a family secret you'd 723 00:43:58,640 --> 00:44:01,440 Speaker 1: like to share, please us a voicemail and your story 724 00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:04,799 Speaker 1: could appear on an upcoming episode. Our number is one 725 00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:09,359 Speaker 1: eight eight Secret zero. That's the number zero. You can 726 00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:14,359 Speaker 1: also find me on Instagram at Danny writer. And if 727 00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:16,360 Speaker 1: you'd like to know more about the story that inspired 728 00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:43,840 Speaker 1: this podcast, check out my memoir Inheritance. For more podcasts. 729 00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:46,200 Speaker 1: For my heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, 730 00:44:46,239 --> 00:44:49,280 Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.