Speaker 1: I am Younger, your host for this journey. I was
Speaker 1: a hopeless love a holic, but just could not get
Speaker 1: my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks
Speaker 1: and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love
Speaker 1: is and what it is not. I want to share
Speaker 1: some of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. I remember the day I was
Speaker 1: walking in the parking lot of them all and saw
Speaker 1: what I thought was a man being physical with the woman.
Speaker 1: From where I was standing, it looked like he was
Speaker 1: pushing her, and being from Brooke Lynn, I could not
Speaker 1: walk away, so I walked over so I could see
Speaker 1: and hear what was going on. As I got closer,
Speaker 1: I could see that he wasn't fighting her. She was
Speaker 1: fighting him and he was trying to calm her down.
Speaker 1: Then I noticed the man was crying, tears were streaming
Speaker 1: down his face and the woman was blasting him with
Speaker 1: foul language. Our eyes met, he saw me, and without
Speaker 1: saying a word, I knew he needed help. I asked
Speaker 1: him something I'm not I'm not really sure, and he
Speaker 1: said to me, she has dementia. She doesn't know where
Speaker 1: we are. I asked what's her name? And he told
Speaker 1: me so. I stepped in. I said, hi, Ms Lorraine,
Speaker 1: you want to go shopping with me? She immediately turned
Speaker 1: her attention to me. She responded with something about dogs
Speaker 1: and how Mr Howard had taken her rickles. I took
Speaker 1: her by the hand and just started walking through the
Speaker 1: rolls of cars. She was definitely in a mantic state,
Speaker 1: but somehow I captured her attention and she calmed down.
Speaker 1: Mister Howard followed us, and after several minutes she turned
Speaker 1: saw Mr Howard and said, are you gonna take me
Speaker 1: to the store? He said yes. She dropped my hand
Speaker 1: and walked away with him. And that was the first
Speaker 1: time I realized the stress and pain of spouses or
Speaker 1: partners who become caregivers. Now, long before the pandemic, when
Speaker 1: a record number of people passed away or became debilitated, husbands,
Speaker 1: wives and long term partners found their roles shifting from
Speaker 1: lover and companion to caregiver. Whether cancer or Parkinson's disease
Speaker 1: or Alzheimer's or near fatal accidents that leave people debilitated
Speaker 1: in a variety of ways, people get sick, health fails,
Speaker 1: and when that happens, the nature and character of their
Speaker 1: relationship with their partner changes. How do you navigate a
Speaker 1: relationship when a partner becomes ill? In either case, the
Speaker 1: question becomes do I want to do this or do
Speaker 1: I think I should or have to do it? Because
Speaker 1: that's really what's going to determine the quality of care.
Speaker 1: It's going to determine how present you are with the
Speaker 1: person that you're taking care of. That's what my next
Speaker 1: caller had to deal with and struggle through. Was she
Speaker 1: doing it because she wanted to or was she doing
Speaker 1: it because she had to? It makes a difference. Welcome
Speaker 1: to the art spot, beloved. How are you today? Your
Speaker 1: mother defiled to you. It's good to hear your voice.
Speaker 1: How are you? I'm blessed? Thank you, Thank you for
Speaker 1: calling the our spot when we talk about all things relationships, challenges, issues, problems, upset.
Speaker 1: Now which one do you have to die? Well? I've
Speaker 1: been married for like fifteen years and my husband had
Speaker 1: taken ill back and teach out and kick though. Thanksly,
Speaker 1: I've been his full time here and give him thing
Speaker 1: is I'll be just making sixty two nicks him seventy three.
Speaker 1: I hear the older man, So I really I've been
Speaker 1: um kind of what's called no nookie the Hawaiian No,
Speaker 1: that's no work. So I need to know what to
Speaker 1: do because think, you know, people have their opinions and
Speaker 1: I I you know, I was thinking people's opinion. But
Speaker 1: the thing is, I need a life. I need to
Speaker 1: I mean, like, I take care of him and take
Speaker 1: care of the house. I take care of everything. But
Speaker 1: I've been neglecting myself even though I'm trying to do
Speaker 1: stuff care but there are tires. I tell people, I
Speaker 1: got feelers. I get horny like anybody else. What can
Speaker 1: I do fail? Oh my god? Do you have a
Speaker 1: prospect or are you just preparing for the future. It's
Speaker 1: a little bit of both. I got my eye on someone,
Speaker 1: but I'm not pushing it. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: because I've been married, but it's not a marriage anymore,
Speaker 1: you know. Yeah. Now, let me ask you a question.
Speaker 1: Is your husband disabled or is it he just doesn't
Speaker 1: have the urge anymore. He had a skinnish joke and
Speaker 1: he has He's in his middle stages of Alzheimer's. Okay,
Speaker 1: so we're talking here. What uh, six years. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: want to acknowledge you for something. You said, it's not
Speaker 1: a marriage anymore. Tell me more about that. Tell me
Speaker 1: why you think it's not a marriage anymore. Well, it's
Speaker 1: a marriage on paper, but we've been through. We've been
Speaker 1: through so much, and we almost got divorce because he
Speaker 1: became very verbally abusive and then he worked up to
Speaker 1: he was physically abusive. I had to side him off
Speaker 1: of me, and I told him, if I'm gonna stay
Speaker 1: with you the kids, you can't do any fighting because
Speaker 1: I don't believe that God gave me to you to
Speaker 1: go through. And he's been an uphill and downhill battle
Speaker 1: with him, and I haven't aunt who praised me to
Speaker 1: when his while she begged me, she started crying, don't
Speaker 1: even don't even you. Gotta take care of him because
Speaker 1: he needs you. God, He's gonna bless you later on
Speaker 1: in life. I said, well, what about me? What about
Speaker 1: my needs? Let me ask you this, what are your alternatives?
Speaker 1: Because I'm not hearing you say and again, I want
Speaker 1: to acknowledge you for this. I'm not hearing you complaining
Speaker 1: about taking care of him. I'm hearing you yearning to
Speaker 1: take care of yourself on all levels. So what are
Speaker 1: your alternatives? Do you have any alternatives? Or do you
Speaker 1: have to stay because you just have to Well, basically
Speaker 1: this is just my belief that I have to stay too,
Speaker 1: because I had honored my marriage vow for in sickness
Speaker 1: and in health, and so I just I stayed with him,
Speaker 1: I guess because I felt it was the right thing
Speaker 1: to do. You know what I'm saying. It may be
Speaker 1: the right thing to do, but is it right for you?
Speaker 1: I got a question mark on there for myself because
Speaker 1: sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no. What
Speaker 1: is the truth? My truth is my tress has always
Speaker 1: been always through the right thing according to the word
Speaker 1: of You know, the the Bible talks about your marriage.
Speaker 1: Let me talk to you as a minister today, because
Speaker 1: I think you have the wedding vowels and scriptural authority.
Speaker 1: A little bit confused. The wedding vows which do not
Speaker 1: come out of the Bible. They have referred to several
Speaker 1: scriptures in the Bible say in sickness and health till
Speaker 1: death do you part? But death of what depth of connection?
Speaker 1: Death of communication? Death of intimacy? Because when I'm hearing
Speaker 1: you say as you aptly put it, it's not a
Speaker 1: marriage anymore. It's two people together because the marriage, beloved,
Speaker 1: it's not the word you speak. It's the joining of
Speaker 1: the souls. That's the covenant. The covenant is the joining
Speaker 1: of the souls in the eyes of the creator. Is
Speaker 1: your soul still joined to his soul? No? I can't.
Speaker 1: We we we cannot. Okay, there's no intercourse. But is
Speaker 1: their communication very little? Because so he's a phasic. Is
Speaker 1: he making a financial contribution? Yes, ma'am, he's retired, so
Speaker 1: the money that comes in I manage it very well. Oh,
Speaker 1: so he's providing for you. So there's no communication, there's
Speaker 1: no intimacy, there's no protection. Can he help you make
Speaker 1: joint decisions about the welfare of the home, the kids,
Speaker 1: the car. Can he help you make a joint decision? No, ma'am,
Speaker 1: I'm a So it sounds to me like you're the
Speaker 1: only one participating here. Now. I'm not blaming him, and
Speaker 1: I'm not telling you to leave your marriage. Please don't
Speaker 1: hear that. What I heard you say is it's not
Speaker 1: a marriage anymore. And your responsibility, what I think you're
Speaker 1: leaning on is as his life partner, his wife and
Speaker 1: the covenant you made is that you want to provide
Speaker 1: for him and make sure he is safe, to make
Speaker 1: sure he's taken care of, to make sure he's not alone.
Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean that you have to be the
Speaker 1: one to provide the care. That's why I asked you.
Speaker 1: Is there an alternative? Is there assistant living as a possibility?
Speaker 1: Is bringing in a home healthcare worker a possibility? I mean,
Speaker 1: what are the alternatives to you being there every single day?
Speaker 1: I did that back in two thousands, seventeen and eighteen.
Speaker 1: I was able to be the whole summer off. But
Speaker 1: like I said, when COVID hid, he's not sick enough
Speaker 1: even going to go through the emergencies room, they won't
Speaker 1: even accept it. And I haven't had a vacation in
Speaker 1: two years. Okay, let me just say this, beloving, and
Speaker 1: I want you to tell me the truth. I don't
Speaker 1: care what it is. We're going to work it out. Okay,
Speaker 1: what do you want at this very moment? I want
Speaker 1: a vacation, some time off for myself to to be
Speaker 1: with me. Just do what I want to do, you know,
Speaker 1: just do me right there, right there. I want freedom,
Speaker 1: I want time off. I want freedom, and what else.
Speaker 1: I really want a life partner, Somebody can travel with
Speaker 1: and be with, Somebody can hold me, and somebody sometimes
Speaker 1: it just take care of me, take care of my
Speaker 1: personal needs. And so you want time off, you want freedom,
Speaker 1: you want companionship, and you want intimacy. Those are the
Speaker 1: things you want, and those are perfectly normal things for
Speaker 1: a sixty one year old woman to desire for herself.
Speaker 1: What you're bumping up against is your beliefs about what
Speaker 1: you have to do, and that is taking priority over
Speaker 1: what you want to do. You're in an obligatory relationship
Speaker 1: with your husband. It's about obligation and not about choice.
Speaker 1: So that we're real eire here what you want time off, freedom, companionship, intimacy,
Speaker 1: freedom to take care of you. Those are the things
Speaker 1: that you're going to have to tick off, one thing
Speaker 1: at a time, and we're going to talk about how
Speaker 1: to do that when we come back. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the our spot. I want to take the focus off
Speaker 1: of him. This is God's son, and the Creator knows
Speaker 1: exactly what his path is. The Creator put you two
Speaker 1: together for such a time as this, for such a
Speaker 1: time as this. Your issue here may not be him
Speaker 1: at all the issue maybe am I supposed to take
Speaker 1: care of my husband? The issue could possibly be can
Speaker 1: I be a priority in my own life? Well, I
Speaker 1: want to repeat something back to you, and I want
Speaker 1: to ingrain this in your consciousness because you spoke your
Speaker 1: answer right out of your mouth, and now it becomes
Speaker 1: about you taking the steps required to take care of yourself.
Speaker 1: Thank you. This is not a marriage anymore. You have
Speaker 1: to surrender the belief that you are required to sacrifice
Speaker 1: your well being in order to achieve his well being.
Speaker 1: Because when you do that, beloved, when you sacrifice yourself
Speaker 1: for someone else, you make that other person a thief
Speaker 1: without them even knowing it. He's stealing your sense of
Speaker 1: self actualization. He's stealing your sense of well being. I mean,
Speaker 1: you're giving it to him, but because he's receiving it,
Speaker 1: he's the thief. Do you understand that? Do you understand
Speaker 1: what I'm saying? This is not a marriage. There are
Speaker 1: not two people present here making conscious choices and decisions.
Speaker 1: There's no vision, there's no communication, there's no intimacy, there's
Speaker 1: no protection. This is not a marriage anymore. So, even
Speaker 1: though you're willing to be there and to provide care
Speaker 1: for him. You also have a responsibility to yourself because
Speaker 1: your first relationship is with you. You have a responsibility
Speaker 1: to yourself to make sure you get time off, to
Speaker 1: make sure you experience the freedom of being with yourself
Speaker 1: for yourself, by yourself. You have a responsibility to seek
Speaker 1: and find companionship as a healthy, viable, sixty one year
Speaker 1: old woman. And you have a responsibility to yourself to
Speaker 1: create that intimacy you desire. And you don't have to
Speaker 1: do that with someone that spits on you, that can't
Speaker 1: talk back to you. That's not making sense, oh man.
Speaker 1: That is this is not our marriage anymore. And are
Speaker 1: you willing? I hear that you say you are willing
Speaker 1: to live up to your covenant of marriage, which is
Speaker 1: a meeting of the souls in the eyes of God.
Speaker 1: So I'm not telling you to roll him in the
Speaker 1: wheelchair out into the middle of the street. But I
Speaker 1: am saying that there may be some alternatives, may be
Speaker 1: assistant living as an alternative, or maybe whatever. But I
Speaker 1: want to encourage you and invite you to open your
Speaker 1: mind to some other possibilities and begin seeing and living
Speaker 1: your life as a single woman so that you can
Speaker 1: have time off for yourself so that you can experience
Speaker 1: the free him of life and living that God gave you.
Speaker 1: I spend all my life taking care of other people,
Speaker 1: and now I want to take care of me. That's
Speaker 1: the issue. I'm trying not to cry because this is
Speaker 1: so emotional for me. Well, maybe you need to have
Speaker 1: Maybe you need to cry. And you just gave me
Speaker 1: my lesson and truth, and I appreciate that the truth
Speaker 1: will set you free. And the truth is it's not
Speaker 1: a marriage anymore, not in the traditional sense. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much. Okay, my love, thank you for calling and
Speaker 1: continue to listen to the our spot. And my hat
Speaker 1: is off to all of you who have chosen to
Speaker 1: stay when health impacts the character, the quality, the nature
Speaker 1: of a loving relationship. And I have to be real
Speaker 1: honest with you, I don't know if I could do it.
Speaker 1: I really don't know. And the biggest thing for me
Speaker 1: would be taking care of a person who may be
Speaker 1: new in their capacity and their presence while mourning the
Speaker 1: loss of the person I knew in love. I think
Speaker 1: that my next caller has made something that was pretty
Speaker 1: big and pretty catastrophic even bigger and more catastrophic when
Speaker 1: it might just be a simple question, a simple gesture
Speaker 1: that will turn it around. Greetings, we loved, Welcome to
Speaker 1: the our spot, the place we talk about all kinds
Speaker 1: of relationships. I understand you have a marriage you want
Speaker 1: to talk about I do my husband. I have been
Speaker 1: married a long time. Um, we're both in recovery. We've
Speaker 1: worked really hard to build, you know, a nice life,
Speaker 1: and uh, he ended up. He ended up buying a
Speaker 1: lot of property, and of course, twelve years ago, lost everything.
Speaker 1: So we had started over. Me with a lot of feeling,
Speaker 1: a lot of depression, so working on forgiveness, working on
Speaker 1: trusting him, and now being married twenty five years, trying
Speaker 1: to get back together. And I wasn't always so um,
Speaker 1: loving and caring about it. So okay, I just say,
Speaker 1: you lost everything? What does that mean? We lost our homes,
Speaker 1: we lost our money in O eight and O nine
Speaker 1: when everything fell apart in Florida, they were in Florida
Speaker 1: and everything about and he had put and I blamed
Speaker 1: him because he put everything, you know, he spent it
Speaker 1: all and I was with him, so I have to
Speaker 1: own some of that. But very angry because he had if.
Speaker 1: I felt like he was gambling and we ended up
Speaker 1: with after working for twenty years, working really hard building
Speaker 1: our life. We lost our financial but it was hard
Speaker 1: to forgive him. Now you say get back together, what
Speaker 1: does that mean meaning connecting again? We're not connecting. Where
Speaker 1: we lived together, we stayed together, we talked to each other.
Speaker 1: We didn't for a long time, and we're together and
Speaker 1: to put the past behind us. Because I was very angry.
Speaker 1: I was very I feel that I hurt him a lot.
Speaker 1: I heard I feel like I heard him and blames him.
Speaker 1: And I don't really know a step and trust me anymore,
Speaker 1: even though he tells me he does. But we were
Speaker 1: not together intimately. And and I know that we love
Speaker 1: I know I love him, I truly I think he
Speaker 1: loves me. He tells me, he shows me. You know,
Speaker 1: sometimes we take a simple problem and we make it
Speaker 1: so complicated because of the narrative we put behind it.
Speaker 1: Have you ever just took his face in your hands
Speaker 1: or put him in your bosoms and said, what do
Speaker 1: we need to do to reconnect? What would it take
Speaker 1: for you? Have you ever done that? I have not,
Speaker 1: oh igine that. Yeah, you know what. I I was angry,
Speaker 1: and I said a lot of things, some of them
Speaker 1: still haunt me, and I think I think that they
Speaker 1: hurt you. I mean you, you come up with your
Speaker 1: own script. But I'm just saying, if you loved here's
Speaker 1: the thing that women don't understand. And I always say this.
Speaker 1: I always say this the women, and it's a little crass.
Speaker 1: So please forgive me, Okay. I don't always say that
Speaker 1: she who owns the madam rules the roost. You know
Speaker 1: what the madam is? Poonani? You got the poonanni. You
Speaker 1: know what the poonanni is, right, okay, So you rule? Okay?
Speaker 1: And when you open your heart, because you're coming from
Speaker 1: a really authentic, vulnerable place, when you open your heart
Speaker 1: and you make the ponanni available, a man is powerless.
Speaker 1: And when you make the ponanni available, whether he takes
Speaker 1: advantage of it or not, it's just that you know
Speaker 1: it's here if you want it. If not, Hey, But
Speaker 1: when you open your heart to him and say what
Speaker 1: do we need to do to reconnect? I miss you?
Speaker 1: Don't you miss him? I don't know. I wonder if
Speaker 1: I I hope I've forgiven him. Then we'll talk about
Speaker 1: that when we come back. Welcome back to the arts. Fine,
Speaker 1: he's wounded. Your beloved is wounded, and you have to
Speaker 1: not only be his soft place to fall. He has
Speaker 1: to know that you are willing to sit in that
Speaker 1: wound with him. You have to be willing to sit
Speaker 1: in the wound, not judge him. And the two of you, well,
Speaker 1: you'll heal the wound together. Let him know you miss him.
Speaker 1: Remind him of when it was good. I miss us
Speaker 1: being you know, in the sun. I miss us eating
Speaker 1: pizza out the box, whatever it is. I mean, I
Speaker 1: don't know what y'all did, but I miss you. And
Speaker 1: all the houses and all the money and all the
Speaker 1: things in the world don't replace you. I want you back.
Speaker 1: What is it going to take? Just ask it, yes,
Speaker 1: as opposed to calling me I don't. I don't know
Speaker 1: you at all. You've been with this man twenty five
Speaker 1: He is asking what he wants, and then the two
Speaker 1: of you can come up with a plan if you
Speaker 1: really want him and you really miss him, Because what
Speaker 1: it sounds like is you're trying to figure out the
Speaker 1: plan so you can do it. But you've got to
Speaker 1: get on the same side of the table with him.
Speaker 1: I have to be on the same side of the table.
Speaker 1: That's right. Right now, you're on the opposite side of
Speaker 1: the table. I am tell me what you hear me saying.
Speaker 1: Tell me I am hearing that I need to be
Speaker 1: with him, and he is wounded, and I have to
Speaker 1: be with him and bring my heart to him and
Speaker 1: love him and be in that with him together and
Speaker 1: be together. He may not know right now what it's
Speaker 1: going to take, so be willing to ask him more
Speaker 1: than once. You know what your your safe place for
Speaker 1: him is. You put his head right between your bosoms.
Speaker 1: You got bosoms, okay, good, Let me tell you why
Speaker 1: you're gonna put your his head. Just say, come here,
Speaker 1: lay his head right there at the cleavage point. You
Speaker 1: know why, because that's when he's gonna hear your heart beat.
Speaker 1: And let me tell you why that's important. Because the
Speaker 1: first sound he ever heard in life was his mother's heartbeat,
Speaker 1: was the first sound in the womb when his brain
Speaker 1: clicked on. He didn't even have ears yet, but he
Speaker 1: could hear her heartbeat. When you lay a man's head
Speaker 1: in the middle of your bosoms and he hears that heartbeat, baby,
Speaker 1: that's it. That's game over, game over. My heart's feeling it.
Speaker 1: His heart will feel it. Yeah, So don't make it
Speaker 1: more complicated than it needs to be. And don't try
Speaker 1: to do this by yourself. Get on the same side
Speaker 1: of the table with him. It definitely been on the
Speaker 1: other side. Okay, there you go. Yes, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to take the time when it's right,
Speaker 1: don't you know? Just go home, and they said, come me,
Speaker 1: I gotta tell you something, right, come in, put your
Speaker 1: head in my busy. You know, asked the divine Mother
Speaker 1: to be with you and guide you and tell you
Speaker 1: the perfect time. If you've got to sit next to
Speaker 1: him on the sofa, and if he's in the other
Speaker 1: room and you need to go in there and sit
Speaker 1: in his lap, you'll know when the time is right.
Speaker 1: Just open your heart and be available. Just tell him
Speaker 1: I miss you and I want to know what it's
Speaker 1: gonna take for us to reconnect, and then confess I
Speaker 1: know I've created you badly, I know I've been angry.
Speaker 1: I'm not even sure if I've forgiven you yet, but
Speaker 1: I miss you. You can do that, right, okay, yes
Speaker 1: you can. I want you to call me and let
Speaker 1: me know how it works out. Okay, okay, alright, and
Speaker 1: you know what, when you get ready to do that,
Speaker 1: put a little perfume between the bosoms. I will all right,
Speaker 1: my darling, call me and let me know how it
Speaker 1: works out. You know, sometimes when there's a breakdown in
Speaker 1: a relationship or an upset in a relationship, particularly if
Speaker 1: it comes on the heels of bad behavior or mistake
Speaker 1: of some kind, we can turn it into such a
Speaker 1: catastrophic event. Not only does that eat a way at
Speaker 1: the fibers of the relationship, it can eat a way
Speaker 1: at our common sets. Sometimes we make something big where
Speaker 1: just the small energy or effect, just the smallest truth
Speaker 1: will turn the whole thing around. Well, everything must change,
Speaker 1: and relationships do that all the time. I hope this
Speaker 1: has been helpful to someone, and if you have a
Speaker 1: question about this or any other relationship issue, you can
Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
Speaker 1: seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me
Speaker 1: on social media for all of the calling times, and
Speaker 1: until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The Our
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shonda land Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to favorite shows.