1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:06,080 Speaker 1: I am Younger, your host for this journey. I was 2 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:10,320 Speaker 1: a hopeless love a holic, but just could not get 3 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:14,920 Speaker 1: my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks 4 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:19,599 Speaker 1: and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love 5 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:22,880 Speaker 1: is and what it is not. I want to share 6 00:00:23,239 --> 00:00:28,600 Speaker 1: some of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to 7 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:32,760 Speaker 1: the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 8 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:48,159 Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. I remember the day I was 9 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:51,880 Speaker 1: walking in the parking lot of them all and saw 10 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:54,760 Speaker 1: what I thought was a man being physical with the woman. 11 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,200 Speaker 1: From where I was standing, it looked like he was 12 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 1: pushing her, and being from Brooke Lynn, I could not 13 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:04,840 Speaker 1: walk away, so I walked over so I could see 14 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:08,679 Speaker 1: and hear what was going on. As I got closer, 15 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:13,400 Speaker 1: I could see that he wasn't fighting her. She was 16 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:17,399 Speaker 1: fighting him and he was trying to calm her down. 17 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:22,319 Speaker 1: Then I noticed the man was crying, tears were streaming 18 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:26,319 Speaker 1: down his face and the woman was blasting him with 19 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:31,319 Speaker 1: foul language. Our eyes met, he saw me, and without 20 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:35,280 Speaker 1: saying a word, I knew he needed help. I asked 21 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:38,360 Speaker 1: him something I'm not I'm not really sure, and he 22 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:41,839 Speaker 1: said to me, she has dementia. She doesn't know where 23 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:46,040 Speaker 1: we are. I asked what's her name? And he told 24 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,040 Speaker 1: me so. I stepped in. I said, hi, Ms Lorraine, 25 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,400 Speaker 1: you want to go shopping with me? She immediately turned 26 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:56,280 Speaker 1: her attention to me. She responded with something about dogs 27 00:01:56,920 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 1: and how Mr Howard had taken her rickles. I took 28 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,720 Speaker 1: her by the hand and just started walking through the 29 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:08,160 Speaker 1: rolls of cars. She was definitely in a mantic state, 30 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:12,720 Speaker 1: but somehow I captured her attention and she calmed down. 31 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:17,320 Speaker 1: Mister Howard followed us, and after several minutes she turned 32 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,200 Speaker 1: saw Mr Howard and said, are you gonna take me 33 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:24,120 Speaker 1: to the store? He said yes. She dropped my hand 34 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,680 Speaker 1: and walked away with him. And that was the first 35 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:33,360 Speaker 1: time I realized the stress and pain of spouses or 36 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:40,399 Speaker 1: partners who become caregivers. Now, long before the pandemic, when 37 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:45,720 Speaker 1: a record number of people passed away or became debilitated, husbands, 38 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:50,359 Speaker 1: wives and long term partners found their roles shifting from 39 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:57,000 Speaker 1: lover and companion to caregiver. Whether cancer or Parkinson's disease 40 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:03,160 Speaker 1: or Alzheimer's or near fatal accidents that leave people debilitated 41 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:07,560 Speaker 1: in a variety of ways, people get sick, health fails, 42 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:12,839 Speaker 1: and when that happens, the nature and character of their 43 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:18,359 Speaker 1: relationship with their partner changes. How do you navigate a 44 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:22,919 Speaker 1: relationship when a partner becomes ill? In either case, the 45 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:27,200 Speaker 1: question becomes do I want to do this or do 46 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:31,040 Speaker 1: I think I should or have to do it? Because 47 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:34,600 Speaker 1: that's really what's going to determine the quality of care. 48 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:38,080 Speaker 1: It's going to determine how present you are with the 49 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:41,480 Speaker 1: person that you're taking care of. That's what my next 50 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:45,120 Speaker 1: caller had to deal with and struggle through. Was she 51 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 1: doing it because she wanted to or was she doing 52 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:56,440 Speaker 1: it because she had to? It makes a difference. Welcome 53 00:03:56,480 --> 00:04:00,080 Speaker 1: to the art spot, beloved. How are you today? Your 54 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,760 Speaker 1: mother defiled to you. It's good to hear your voice. 55 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:05,840 Speaker 1: How are you? I'm blessed? Thank you, Thank you for 56 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 1: calling the our spot when we talk about all things relationships, challenges, issues, problems, upset. 57 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:16,480 Speaker 1: Now which one do you have to die? Well? I've 58 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:22,240 Speaker 1: been married for like fifteen years and my husband had 59 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:25,880 Speaker 1: taken ill back and teach out and kick though. Thanksly, 60 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,400 Speaker 1: I've been his full time here and give him thing 61 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: is I'll be just making sixty two nicks him seventy three. 62 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:36,200 Speaker 1: I hear the older man, So I really I've been 63 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:42,720 Speaker 1: um kind of what's called no nookie the Hawaiian No, 64 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:47,280 Speaker 1: that's no work. So I need to know what to 65 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,320 Speaker 1: do because think, you know, people have their opinions and 66 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,200 Speaker 1: I I you know, I was thinking people's opinion. But 67 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 1: the thing is, I need a life. I need to 68 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,440 Speaker 1: I mean, like, I take care of him and take 69 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,600 Speaker 1: care of the house. I take care of everything. But 70 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,360 Speaker 1: I've been neglecting myself even though I'm trying to do 71 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:07,200 Speaker 1: stuff care but there are tires. I tell people, I 72 00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:10,080 Speaker 1: got feelers. I get horny like anybody else. What can 73 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:19,000 Speaker 1: I do fail? Oh my god? Do you have a 74 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:23,320 Speaker 1: prospect or are you just preparing for the future. It's 75 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,160 Speaker 1: a little bit of both. I got my eye on someone, 76 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:29,400 Speaker 1: but I'm not pushing it. You know what I'm saying, 77 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:33,360 Speaker 1: because I've been married, but it's not a marriage anymore, 78 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,840 Speaker 1: you know. Yeah. Now, let me ask you a question. 79 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 1: Is your husband disabled or is it he just doesn't 80 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:45,360 Speaker 1: have the urge anymore. He had a skinnish joke and 81 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:49,120 Speaker 1: he has He's in his middle stages of Alzheimer's. Okay, 82 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:55,360 Speaker 1: so we're talking here. What uh, six years. Yeah, I 83 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,560 Speaker 1: want to acknowledge you for something. You said, it's not 84 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 1: a marriage anymore. Tell me more about that. Tell me 85 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:06,360 Speaker 1: why you think it's not a marriage anymore. Well, it's 86 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:10,160 Speaker 1: a marriage on paper, but we've been through. We've been 87 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,000 Speaker 1: through so much, and we almost got divorce because he 88 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:17,240 Speaker 1: became very verbally abusive and then he worked up to 89 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,400 Speaker 1: he was physically abusive. I had to side him off 90 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,039 Speaker 1: of me, and I told him, if I'm gonna stay 91 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,000 Speaker 1: with you the kids, you can't do any fighting because 92 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,920 Speaker 1: I don't believe that God gave me to you to 93 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,760 Speaker 1: go through. And he's been an uphill and downhill battle 94 00:06:31,839 --> 00:06:36,280 Speaker 1: with him, and I haven't aunt who praised me to 95 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,920 Speaker 1: when his while she begged me, she started crying, don't 96 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,480 Speaker 1: even don't even you. Gotta take care of him because 97 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,160 Speaker 1: he needs you. God, He's gonna bless you later on 98 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:47,279 Speaker 1: in life. I said, well, what about me? What about 99 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,520 Speaker 1: my needs? Let me ask you this, what are your alternatives? 100 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:54,640 Speaker 1: Because I'm not hearing you say and again, I want 101 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:59,000 Speaker 1: to acknowledge you for this. I'm not hearing you complaining 102 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,720 Speaker 1: about taking care of him. I'm hearing you yearning to 103 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,120 Speaker 1: take care of yourself on all levels. So what are 104 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:10,200 Speaker 1: your alternatives? Do you have any alternatives? Or do you 105 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:14,840 Speaker 1: have to stay because you just have to Well, basically 106 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,040 Speaker 1: this is just my belief that I have to stay too, 107 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 1: because I had honored my marriage vow for in sickness 108 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,160 Speaker 1: and in health, and so I just I stayed with him, 109 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,560 Speaker 1: I guess because I felt it was the right thing 110 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,480 Speaker 1: to do. You know what I'm saying. It may be 111 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 1: the right thing to do, but is it right for you? 112 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,960 Speaker 1: I got a question mark on there for myself because 113 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 1: sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no. What 114 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:47,080 Speaker 1: is the truth? My truth is my tress has always 115 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:50,840 Speaker 1: been always through the right thing according to the word 116 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:54,200 Speaker 1: of You know, the the Bible talks about your marriage. 117 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,400 Speaker 1: Let me talk to you as a minister today, because 118 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,520 Speaker 1: I think you have the wedding vowels and scriptural authority. 119 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:05,960 Speaker 1: A little bit confused. The wedding vows which do not 120 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:09,480 Speaker 1: come out of the Bible. They have referred to several 121 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:13,640 Speaker 1: scriptures in the Bible say in sickness and health till 122 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:18,080 Speaker 1: death do you part? But death of what depth of connection? 123 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:23,480 Speaker 1: Death of communication? Death of intimacy? Because when I'm hearing 124 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:26,560 Speaker 1: you say as you aptly put it, it's not a 125 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:32,120 Speaker 1: marriage anymore. It's two people together because the marriage, beloved, 126 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:36,040 Speaker 1: it's not the word you speak. It's the joining of 127 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:40,760 Speaker 1: the souls. That's the covenant. The covenant is the joining 128 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:44,599 Speaker 1: of the souls in the eyes of the creator. Is 129 00:08:44,679 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 1: your soul still joined to his soul? No? I can't. 130 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: We we we cannot. Okay, there's no intercourse. But is 131 00:08:55,280 --> 00:09:01,679 Speaker 1: their communication very little? Because so he's a phasic. Is 132 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:06,280 Speaker 1: he making a financial contribution? Yes, ma'am, he's retired, so 133 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,640 Speaker 1: the money that comes in I manage it very well. Oh, 134 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:14,880 Speaker 1: so he's providing for you. So there's no communication, there's 135 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:19,000 Speaker 1: no intimacy, there's no protection. Can he help you make 136 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,839 Speaker 1: joint decisions about the welfare of the home, the kids, 137 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:27,600 Speaker 1: the car. Can he help you make a joint decision? No, ma'am, 138 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:31,679 Speaker 1: I'm a So it sounds to me like you're the 139 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:37,160 Speaker 1: only one participating here. Now. I'm not blaming him, and 140 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:40,120 Speaker 1: I'm not telling you to leave your marriage. Please don't 141 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:43,839 Speaker 1: hear that. What I heard you say is it's not 142 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:49,400 Speaker 1: a marriage anymore. And your responsibility, what I think you're 143 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:53,319 Speaker 1: leaning on is as his life partner, his wife and 144 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:57,000 Speaker 1: the covenant you made is that you want to provide 145 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,559 Speaker 1: for him and make sure he is safe, to make 146 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:03,800 Speaker 1: sure he's taken care of, to make sure he's not alone. 147 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,839 Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean that you have to be the 148 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:11,120 Speaker 1: one to provide the care. That's why I asked you. 149 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:16,880 Speaker 1: Is there an alternative? Is there assistant living as a possibility? 150 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:21,400 Speaker 1: Is bringing in a home healthcare worker a possibility? I mean, 151 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:26,680 Speaker 1: what are the alternatives to you being there every single day? 152 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,400 Speaker 1: I did that back in two thousands, seventeen and eighteen. 153 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,480 Speaker 1: I was able to be the whole summer off. But 154 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,880 Speaker 1: like I said, when COVID hid, he's not sick enough 155 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 1: even going to go through the emergencies room, they won't 156 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,280 Speaker 1: even accept it. And I haven't had a vacation in 157 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,319 Speaker 1: two years. Okay, let me just say this, beloving, and 158 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,720 Speaker 1: I want you to tell me the truth. I don't 159 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,680 Speaker 1: care what it is. We're going to work it out. Okay, 160 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:56,200 Speaker 1: what do you want at this very moment? I want 161 00:10:56,760 --> 00:11:00,240 Speaker 1: a vacation, some time off for myself to to be 162 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:04,640 Speaker 1: with me. Just do what I want to do, you know, 163 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:08,800 Speaker 1: just do me right there, right there. I want freedom, 164 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:12,200 Speaker 1: I want time off. I want freedom, and what else. 165 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,480 Speaker 1: I really want a life partner, Somebody can travel with 166 00:11:16,679 --> 00:11:20,720 Speaker 1: and be with, Somebody can hold me, and somebody sometimes 167 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,640 Speaker 1: it just take care of me, take care of my 168 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:27,840 Speaker 1: personal needs. And so you want time off, you want freedom, 169 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:32,400 Speaker 1: you want companionship, and you want intimacy. Those are the 170 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:36,280 Speaker 1: things you want, and those are perfectly normal things for 171 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,800 Speaker 1: a sixty one year old woman to desire for herself. 172 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:44,120 Speaker 1: What you're bumping up against is your beliefs about what 173 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:47,960 Speaker 1: you have to do, and that is taking priority over 174 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:53,040 Speaker 1: what you want to do. You're in an obligatory relationship 175 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:58,000 Speaker 1: with your husband. It's about obligation and not about choice. 176 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:06,640 Speaker 1: So that we're real eire here what you want time off, freedom, companionship, intimacy, 177 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,760 Speaker 1: freedom to take care of you. Those are the things 178 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: that you're going to have to tick off, one thing 179 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,560 Speaker 1: at a time, and we're going to talk about how 180 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:25,640 Speaker 1: to do that when we come back. Welcome back to 181 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,400 Speaker 1: the our spot. I want to take the focus off 182 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:34,760 Speaker 1: of him. This is God's son, and the Creator knows 183 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,360 Speaker 1: exactly what his path is. The Creator put you two 184 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,800 Speaker 1: together for such a time as this, for such a 185 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:47,319 Speaker 1: time as this. Your issue here may not be him 186 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:52,440 Speaker 1: at all the issue maybe am I supposed to take 187 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:57,560 Speaker 1: care of my husband? The issue could possibly be can 188 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,719 Speaker 1: I be a priority in my own life? Well, I 189 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,559 Speaker 1: want to repeat something back to you, and I want 190 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:09,280 Speaker 1: to ingrain this in your consciousness because you spoke your 191 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:13,120 Speaker 1: answer right out of your mouth, and now it becomes 192 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:17,360 Speaker 1: about you taking the steps required to take care of yourself. 193 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 1: Thank you. This is not a marriage anymore. You have 194 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:28,359 Speaker 1: to surrender the belief that you are required to sacrifice 195 00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:32,320 Speaker 1: your well being in order to achieve his well being. 196 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:37,400 Speaker 1: Because when you do that, beloved, when you sacrifice yourself 197 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:40,800 Speaker 1: for someone else, you make that other person a thief 198 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:45,199 Speaker 1: without them even knowing it. He's stealing your sense of 199 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:50,679 Speaker 1: self actualization. He's stealing your sense of well being. I mean, 200 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,959 Speaker 1: you're giving it to him, but because he's receiving it, 201 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:58,280 Speaker 1: he's the thief. Do you understand that? Do you understand 202 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:03,920 Speaker 1: what I'm saying? This is not a marriage. There are 203 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:09,160 Speaker 1: not two people present here making conscious choices and decisions. 204 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,959 Speaker 1: There's no vision, there's no communication, there's no intimacy, there's 205 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:18,480 Speaker 1: no protection. This is not a marriage anymore. So, even 206 00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:21,400 Speaker 1: though you're willing to be there and to provide care 207 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:27,320 Speaker 1: for him. You also have a responsibility to yourself because 208 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:33,520 Speaker 1: your first relationship is with you. You have a responsibility 209 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,960 Speaker 1: to yourself to make sure you get time off, to 210 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 1: make sure you experience the freedom of being with yourself 211 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:46,600 Speaker 1: for yourself, by yourself. You have a responsibility to seek 212 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 1: and find companionship as a healthy, viable, sixty one year 213 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:59,080 Speaker 1: old woman. And you have a responsibility to yourself to 214 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:03,480 Speaker 1: create that intimacy you desire. And you don't have to 215 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,880 Speaker 1: do that with someone that spits on you, that can't 216 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:10,840 Speaker 1: talk back to you. That's not making sense, oh man. 217 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:18,200 Speaker 1: That is this is not our marriage anymore. And are 218 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:22,400 Speaker 1: you willing? I hear that you say you are willing 219 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,440 Speaker 1: to live up to your covenant of marriage, which is 220 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,840 Speaker 1: a meeting of the souls in the eyes of God. 221 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,840 Speaker 1: So I'm not telling you to roll him in the 222 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,520 Speaker 1: wheelchair out into the middle of the street. But I 223 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:38,280 Speaker 1: am saying that there may be some alternatives, may be 224 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:42,480 Speaker 1: assistant living as an alternative, or maybe whatever. But I 225 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:46,800 Speaker 1: want to encourage you and invite you to open your 226 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:52,040 Speaker 1: mind to some other possibilities and begin seeing and living 227 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,480 Speaker 1: your life as a single woman so that you can 228 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:59,240 Speaker 1: have time off for yourself so that you can experience 229 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,760 Speaker 1: the free him of life and living that God gave you. 230 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:07,480 Speaker 1: I spend all my life taking care of other people, 231 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:11,160 Speaker 1: and now I want to take care of me. That's 232 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,440 Speaker 1: the issue. I'm trying not to cry because this is 233 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,960 Speaker 1: so emotional for me. Well, maybe you need to have 234 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:20,600 Speaker 1: Maybe you need to cry. And you just gave me 235 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:24,240 Speaker 1: my lesson and truth, and I appreciate that the truth 236 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:28,440 Speaker 1: will set you free. And the truth is it's not 237 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:34,600 Speaker 1: a marriage anymore, not in the traditional sense. Thank you 238 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:38,680 Speaker 1: so much. Okay, my love, thank you for calling and 239 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,840 Speaker 1: continue to listen to the our spot. And my hat 240 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:46,040 Speaker 1: is off to all of you who have chosen to 241 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:50,680 Speaker 1: stay when health impacts the character, the quality, the nature 242 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,880 Speaker 1: of a loving relationship. And I have to be real 243 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,560 Speaker 1: honest with you, I don't know if I could do it. 244 00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:00,960 Speaker 1: I really don't know. And the biggest thing for me 245 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,879 Speaker 1: would be taking care of a person who may be 246 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:11,119 Speaker 1: new in their capacity and their presence while mourning the 247 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:15,360 Speaker 1: loss of the person I knew in love. I think 248 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:20,520 Speaker 1: that my next caller has made something that was pretty 249 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:25,360 Speaker 1: big and pretty catastrophic even bigger and more catastrophic when 250 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:29,120 Speaker 1: it might just be a simple question, a simple gesture 251 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:34,000 Speaker 1: that will turn it around. Greetings, we loved, Welcome to 252 00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:36,919 Speaker 1: the our spot, the place we talk about all kinds 253 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,040 Speaker 1: of relationships. I understand you have a marriage you want 254 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:45,119 Speaker 1: to talk about I do my husband. I have been 255 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:49,880 Speaker 1: married a long time. Um, we're both in recovery. We've 256 00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:53,520 Speaker 1: worked really hard to build, you know, a nice life, 257 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,560 Speaker 1: and uh, he ended up. He ended up buying a 258 00:17:56,680 --> 00:18:00,440 Speaker 1: lot of property, and of course, twelve years ago, lost everything. 259 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,879 Speaker 1: So we had started over. Me with a lot of feeling, 260 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:09,600 Speaker 1: a lot of depression, so working on forgiveness, working on 261 00:18:10,119 --> 00:18:14,440 Speaker 1: trusting him, and now being married twenty five years, trying 262 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,280 Speaker 1: to get back together. And I wasn't always so um, 263 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,120 Speaker 1: loving and caring about it. So okay, I just say, 264 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:26,320 Speaker 1: you lost everything? What does that mean? We lost our homes, 265 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:30,240 Speaker 1: we lost our money in O eight and O nine 266 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:36,160 Speaker 1: when everything fell apart in Florida, they were in Florida 267 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:40,280 Speaker 1: and everything about and he had put and I blamed 268 00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:43,960 Speaker 1: him because he put everything, you know, he spent it 269 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,879 Speaker 1: all and I was with him, so I have to 270 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:51,399 Speaker 1: own some of that. But very angry because he had if. 271 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,479 Speaker 1: I felt like he was gambling and we ended up 272 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:58,960 Speaker 1: with after working for twenty years, working really hard building 273 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:03,400 Speaker 1: our life. We lost our financial but it was hard 274 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:08,760 Speaker 1: to forgive him. Now you say get back together, what 275 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:13,880 Speaker 1: does that mean meaning connecting again? We're not connecting. Where 276 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:19,080 Speaker 1: we lived together, we stayed together, we talked to each other. 277 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:22,159 Speaker 1: We didn't for a long time, and we're together and 278 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:28,080 Speaker 1: to put the past behind us. Because I was very angry. 279 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:33,440 Speaker 1: I was very I feel that I hurt him a lot. 280 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,840 Speaker 1: I heard I feel like I heard him and blames him. 281 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,440 Speaker 1: And I don't really know a step and trust me anymore, 282 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,880 Speaker 1: even though he tells me he does. But we were 283 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:50,280 Speaker 1: not together intimately. And and I know that we love 284 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: I know I love him, I truly I think he 285 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:56,920 Speaker 1: loves me. He tells me, he shows me. You know, 286 00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:00,280 Speaker 1: sometimes we take a simple problem and we make it 287 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:04,159 Speaker 1: so complicated because of the narrative we put behind it. 288 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,360 Speaker 1: Have you ever just took his face in your hands 289 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,960 Speaker 1: or put him in your bosoms and said, what do 290 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,000 Speaker 1: we need to do to reconnect? What would it take 291 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 1: for you? Have you ever done that? I have not, 292 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:24,240 Speaker 1: oh igine that. Yeah, you know what. I I was angry, 293 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,560 Speaker 1: and I said a lot of things, some of them 294 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:29,000 Speaker 1: still haunt me, and I think I think that they 295 00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:31,360 Speaker 1: hurt you. I mean you, you come up with your 296 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:35,320 Speaker 1: own script. But I'm just saying, if you loved here's 297 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:38,639 Speaker 1: the thing that women don't understand. And I always say this. 298 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,560 Speaker 1: I always say this the women, and it's a little crass. 299 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,560 Speaker 1: So please forgive me, Okay. I don't always say that 300 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:48,879 Speaker 1: she who owns the madam rules the roost. You know 301 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:53,119 Speaker 1: what the madam is? Poonani? You got the poonanni. You 302 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:57,240 Speaker 1: know what the poonanni is, right, okay, So you rule? Okay? 303 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:05,239 Speaker 1: And when you open your heart, because you're coming from 304 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:11,240 Speaker 1: a really authentic, vulnerable place, when you open your heart 305 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:17,879 Speaker 1: and you make the ponanni available, a man is powerless. 306 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,160 Speaker 1: And when you make the ponanni available, whether he takes 307 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:26,879 Speaker 1: advantage of it or not, it's just that you know 308 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,760 Speaker 1: it's here if you want it. If not, Hey, But 309 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:36,440 Speaker 1: when you open your heart to him and say what 310 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:40,680 Speaker 1: do we need to do to reconnect? I miss you? 311 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:44,879 Speaker 1: Don't you miss him? I don't know. I wonder if 312 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:49,200 Speaker 1: I I hope I've forgiven him. Then we'll talk about 313 00:21:49,240 --> 00:22:02,400 Speaker 1: that when we come back. Welcome back to the arts. Fine, 314 00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:07,720 Speaker 1: he's wounded. Your beloved is wounded, and you have to 315 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,720 Speaker 1: not only be his soft place to fall. He has 316 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:15,159 Speaker 1: to know that you are willing to sit in that 317 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:19,240 Speaker 1: wound with him. You have to be willing to sit 318 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:23,840 Speaker 1: in the wound, not judge him. And the two of you, well, 319 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:28,400 Speaker 1: you'll heal the wound together. Let him know you miss him. 320 00:22:29,119 --> 00:22:32,080 Speaker 1: Remind him of when it was good. I miss us 321 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,879 Speaker 1: being you know, in the sun. I miss us eating 322 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,560 Speaker 1: pizza out the box, whatever it is. I mean, I 323 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,000 Speaker 1: don't know what y'all did, but I miss you. And 324 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:45,000 Speaker 1: all the houses and all the money and all the 325 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,800 Speaker 1: things in the world don't replace you. I want you back. 326 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:53,920 Speaker 1: What is it going to take? Just ask it, yes, 327 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,280 Speaker 1: as opposed to calling me I don't. I don't know 328 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 1: you at all. You've been with this man twenty five 329 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,600 Speaker 1: He is asking what he wants, and then the two 330 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:06,320 Speaker 1: of you can come up with a plan if you 331 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,440 Speaker 1: really want him and you really miss him, Because what 332 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,440 Speaker 1: it sounds like is you're trying to figure out the 333 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,119 Speaker 1: plan so you can do it. But you've got to 334 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:15,160 Speaker 1: get on the same side of the table with him. 335 00:23:15,359 --> 00:23:17,240 Speaker 1: I have to be on the same side of the table. 336 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,320 Speaker 1: That's right. Right now, you're on the opposite side of 337 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:25,359 Speaker 1: the table. I am tell me what you hear me saying. 338 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:30,080 Speaker 1: Tell me I am hearing that I need to be 339 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,920 Speaker 1: with him, and he is wounded, and I have to 340 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:38,040 Speaker 1: be with him and bring my heart to him and 341 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:42,879 Speaker 1: love him and be in that with him together and 342 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:46,520 Speaker 1: be together. He may not know right now what it's 343 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,960 Speaker 1: going to take, so be willing to ask him more 344 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,159 Speaker 1: than once. You know what your your safe place for 345 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,960 Speaker 1: him is. You put his head right between your bosoms. 346 00:23:55,200 --> 00:24:03,920 Speaker 1: You got bosoms, okay, good, Let me tell you why 347 00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:07,520 Speaker 1: you're gonna put your his head. Just say, come here, 348 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:11,760 Speaker 1: lay his head right there at the cleavage point. You 349 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:15,560 Speaker 1: know why, because that's when he's gonna hear your heart beat. 350 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,480 Speaker 1: And let me tell you why that's important. Because the 351 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:24,480 Speaker 1: first sound he ever heard in life was his mother's heartbeat, 352 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:28,480 Speaker 1: was the first sound in the womb when his brain 353 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:33,000 Speaker 1: clicked on. He didn't even have ears yet, but he 354 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:36,600 Speaker 1: could hear her heartbeat. When you lay a man's head 355 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,680 Speaker 1: in the middle of your bosoms and he hears that heartbeat, baby, 356 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:48,240 Speaker 1: that's it. That's game over, game over. My heart's feeling it. 357 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,560 Speaker 1: His heart will feel it. Yeah, So don't make it 358 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,480 Speaker 1: more complicated than it needs to be. And don't try 359 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:58,000 Speaker 1: to do this by yourself. Get on the same side 360 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,960 Speaker 1: of the table with him. It definitely been on the 361 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:11,640 Speaker 1: other side. Okay, there you go. Yes, thank you so much. 362 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:14,200 Speaker 1: I didn't know what to take the time when it's right, 363 00:25:14,359 --> 00:25:16,159 Speaker 1: don't you know? Just go home, and they said, come me, 364 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:23,239 Speaker 1: I gotta tell you something, right, come in, put your 365 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:30,600 Speaker 1: head in my busy. You know, asked the divine Mother 366 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,080 Speaker 1: to be with you and guide you and tell you 367 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:37,800 Speaker 1: the perfect time. If you've got to sit next to 368 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,360 Speaker 1: him on the sofa, and if he's in the other 369 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:42,760 Speaker 1: room and you need to go in there and sit 370 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,240 Speaker 1: in his lap, you'll know when the time is right. 371 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:49,320 Speaker 1: Just open your heart and be available. Just tell him 372 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:53,040 Speaker 1: I miss you and I want to know what it's 373 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:58,840 Speaker 1: gonna take for us to reconnect, and then confess I 374 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,119 Speaker 1: know I've created you badly, I know I've been angry. 375 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:04,840 Speaker 1: I'm not even sure if I've forgiven you yet, but 376 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:10,080 Speaker 1: I miss you. You can do that, right, okay, yes 377 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:12,399 Speaker 1: you can. I want you to call me and let 378 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:18,280 Speaker 1: me know how it works out. Okay, okay, alright, and 379 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,680 Speaker 1: you know what, when you get ready to do that, 380 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:30,479 Speaker 1: put a little perfume between the bosoms. I will all right, 381 00:26:31,119 --> 00:26:33,399 Speaker 1: my darling, call me and let me know how it 382 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:39,760 Speaker 1: works out. You know, sometimes when there's a breakdown in 383 00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:44,200 Speaker 1: a relationship or an upset in a relationship, particularly if 384 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,640 Speaker 1: it comes on the heels of bad behavior or mistake 385 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:51,280 Speaker 1: of some kind, we can turn it into such a 386 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:56,040 Speaker 1: catastrophic event. Not only does that eat a way at 387 00:26:56,119 --> 00:26:59,080 Speaker 1: the fibers of the relationship, it can eat a way 388 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:03,960 Speaker 1: at our common sets. Sometimes we make something big where 389 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:09,800 Speaker 1: just the small energy or effect, just the smallest truth 390 00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:15,440 Speaker 1: will turn the whole thing around. Well, everything must change, 391 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:18,840 Speaker 1: and relationships do that all the time. I hope this 392 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,600 Speaker 1: has been helpful to someone, and if you have a 393 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:26,439 Speaker 1: question about this or any other relationship issue, you can 394 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:30,200 Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven 395 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,159 Speaker 1: seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me 396 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:36,680 Speaker 1: on social media for all of the calling times, and 397 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:46,239 Speaker 1: until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The Our 398 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:50,040 Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shonda land Audio in partnership 399 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:54,399 Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, 400 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:58,679 Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever 401 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:00,840 Speaker 1: you listen to favorite shows.