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Speaker 1: Welcome to Carefully Reckless. The production of Our Heart Radio

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Speaker 1: and the Black Effect Oh Ship were back on the air.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to yet another Carefully Reckless episode. What's your Girl?

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Speaker 1: Jes hilarious. I'm gonna jump straight and y'all already know.

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Speaker 1: Just fix my mess is what I do best. So

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Speaker 1: we have an update from someone whose story I previously read.

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Speaker 1: And this was somebody who didn't give me enough clarity

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Speaker 1: on their story, so I really couldn't help them much.

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Speaker 1: But this is what she wrote. Hey, Jess, truly appreciated

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Speaker 1: your advice. I just wanted to follow up with you

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Speaker 1: because you mentioned that I may have been holding some

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Speaker 1: things back and not telling you the whole story. So

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Speaker 1: a few reasons why I'm hesitant about going back to

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Speaker 1: this man. He's half white and Hispanic, so there's a

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Speaker 1: disconnect culturally. His father, who's Hispanic, has mentioned his distaste

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Speaker 1: for me due to his past experience with a black woman. Also,

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Speaker 1: he's mentioned to me his grandma is flat out racist.

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Speaker 1: Number three, we've had disagreements about our spirituality. He's not

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Speaker 1: a spiritual person or really finds the significance and fully

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Speaker 1: giving your life to God. Not sure how he feels

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Speaker 1: now number four, every time we'd have sex, I get

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Speaker 1: either a yeast infection or b V. I've even went

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Speaker 1: to the doctor about it and they said it's probably

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Speaker 1: the yeast and the beer that he drinks, although I

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Speaker 1: know now he's cut back on drinking. Am I tripping

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Speaker 1: or are these things we can work through? Well, I'm

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Speaker 1: not gonna say you're tripping for trying to work through

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Speaker 1: these things. Uh. However, given these four things that you've listed,

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Speaker 1: which are reasons that's been holding you back, you can

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Speaker 1: get through some of it. Some of it I don't

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Speaker 1: feel like you can. So the fact that he's half

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Speaker 1: white and Hispanic, so there's a disconnect culturally, that's something

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Speaker 1: you can get through. There are interracial relationships every day,

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Speaker 1: you know, there are interracial marriages, interracial friendships and bonds

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Speaker 1: and stuff like that. So that can be worked out

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Speaker 1: for sure. You know, you just have to properly adapt

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Speaker 1: to what his culture is as he has to do

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Speaker 1: the same thing. He has to adapt to your culture

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Speaker 1: as well, and y'all both have to respect each other's

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Speaker 1: culture no matter what. You know, although you two are

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Speaker 1: very different. His culture is different from yours, Yours is

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Speaker 1: very much different from his. Y'all have to still respect

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Speaker 1: each other's culture. You said that his father, who was Hispanic,

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Speaker 1: has mentioned his distaste for you. He's had a black

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Speaker 1: woman before and he had a bad experience with her,

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Speaker 1: so he looks at all black women the same. He

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Speaker 1: has a certain distaste about you because of his past.

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Speaker 1: That's something I wouldn't be able to get past. This

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Speaker 1: is just me speaking from my own personal belief. I

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Speaker 1: don't think that I would be able to get past that.

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Speaker 1: And then you also mentioned that his grandmother is just

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Speaker 1: flat out racist. Okay, well, his grandmother is not his mother,

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Speaker 1: of course, or in his immediate family, which are you know,

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Speaker 1: just in his household. I don't know. A girl, I

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Speaker 1: don't know. I'm not telling you what's to do, but

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Speaker 1: just keep an eye on that father, keep an eye

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Speaker 1: on him, Just analyze things very very closely. If you

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Speaker 1: feel any type of racism or prejudice toward you, you

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Speaker 1: gotta get the hell about it. Racism isn't cured. It

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Speaker 1: can't be cured. It can be taught, but it can't

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Speaker 1: be cured, especially with older people. I'm not saying that

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Speaker 1: people don't change, but usually when you're that old, as

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Speaker 1: old as his father and grandmother. You kind of already

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Speaker 1: are stuck in your ways, and it's kind of hard

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Speaker 1: for you to get out of things that you've been

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Speaker 1: doing for a long time, you know. Then you said,

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Speaker 1: we've had disagreements about our spirituality. Okay, so he's not spiritual. Okay,

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Speaker 1: that's something that can totally be fixable, not saying that, Oh,

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Speaker 1: you can just make him believe in God or whatever.

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Speaker 1: You know, you can adapt to that though. You know,

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Speaker 1: maybe for different reasons, he just doesn't believe in God,

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Speaker 1: because maybe he just doesn't have any experience in that area.

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Speaker 1: You know, that is one thing that you can kind

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Speaker 1: of work through. I in my opinion, Yes, I've seen

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Speaker 1: people turn their life around. I've seen people commit to

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Speaker 1: religion after being atheists. I've seen it all. I've seen

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Speaker 1: people commit to being atheists after being religious, you know,

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Speaker 1: in spiritual and all that. So I've seen it both ways.

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Speaker 1: So I know that that can change. Is that a

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Speaker 1: deal breaker for you? If he's not what you are?

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Speaker 1: You didn't specify what you are? Are you? Oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: you said God? Okay, so you're a Christian? If so,

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Speaker 1: I do understand that as well. Then you said every

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Speaker 1: time y'all have sex, you get either a use infection

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Speaker 1: or b V. To that, I would say, are you

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Speaker 1: guys having sex? I'm protected because if it's from the

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Speaker 1: beer that he drinks, that would mean that you're getting

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Speaker 1: it from oral fallacio. If I'm correct, If it has

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Speaker 1: anything to do with what he drinks, then you're getting

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Speaker 1: this when he gives you head or would it be

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Speaker 1: in his seeming. I'm not sure either way. Something a right,

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Speaker 1: So start using those condoms, baby girl. All right, but

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Speaker 1: you can make your decision based off of all those things.

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Speaker 1: You have to sit down with yourself before you actually

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Speaker 1: sit down with him and comfort yourself and figure out

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Speaker 1: what will you be able to handle, what will you

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Speaker 1: be able to take. As far as negotiating, you know,

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Speaker 1: a relationship is like a contract. You have to put

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Speaker 1: certain things in your contract and negotiate those things. And

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Speaker 1: if some things aren't negotiable, then you just you gotta

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Speaker 1: part ways. You know what I'm saying. If if certain

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Speaker 1: things are deal breakers and he can't come to your

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Speaker 1: terms and you can't compromise a little and come to

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Speaker 1: his terms, and you know, vice versa, then it just

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Speaker 1: won't work. Either way, it's gonna always be friction there. Okay,

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Speaker 1: moving on, I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I

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Speaker 1: met this man earlier this year through a mutual friend.

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Speaker 1: I was told he's seen me and wanted to get

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Speaker 1: to know me. So when we finally met, things started

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Speaker 1: off casual. We both agreed to take things slow. We

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Speaker 1: started spending a lot of time together. He eventually told

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Speaker 1: me that he wants something more exclusive with me, and

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Speaker 1: that was perfectly fine with me because I felt the

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Speaker 1: same way. Soon after we made it exclusive, he admitted

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Speaker 1: to me that he lives with his children's mother. Oh

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Speaker 1: but they're not to get there, as he say. Through observation,

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Speaker 1: I feel there is something more between them than what

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Speaker 1: he says. He said she knows about me, but I

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Speaker 1: don't believe it. He don't answer his phone for her

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Speaker 1: while around me, and vice versa. He said he lives

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Speaker 1: with her because he's planning on moving out the country

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Speaker 1: next year, so it's pointless on getting him his own place,

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Speaker 1: although he can afford to live on his own. I

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Speaker 1: told him how I thought about the situation. He suggested

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Speaker 1: that we move in together. I'm not trying to go

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Speaker 1: from side girl to the main girl and she becomes

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Speaker 1: his side girl. I suggest that we meet, although he

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Speaker 1: said he's going to introduce us since I do be

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Speaker 1: around his three year old child. My kids father knows

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Speaker 1: about him, but I feel like he's hiding our relationship

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Speaker 1: from her by the way, he has majority of the

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Speaker 1: qualities I look for in a spouse. What should I do?

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Speaker 1: First of all, you should run for the motherfucking heels

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Speaker 1: like now, I'm joking. Listen, that is an issue, and

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Speaker 1: you know it is, and you keep telling yourself it is.

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Speaker 1: But you can't get over the fact that you do

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Speaker 1: like him a lot, you may even love him. You

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Speaker 1: can't get over the fact that he has majority of

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Speaker 1: all the qualities that you are looking for in a man.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes we overlook ship and we purposely stay blinded

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Speaker 1: for that, We purposely be naive for a ship like that,

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Speaker 1: just to be loved, just to be in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying he's not the one for you, No,

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Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm not saying that he fucking he got

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Speaker 1: something going on with that baby mama. Okay, that's just

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Speaker 1: what it is. It could be a convenience thing as well.

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Speaker 1: It could be that he just doesn't want to get

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Speaker 1: his own place here, not because he's moving out the

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Speaker 1: damn country. And that's the sorriest fucking excuse I've ever heard. No,

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Speaker 1: it's just that he probably don't like paying bills, and

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Speaker 1: she allows him to live there rent free because that's

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Speaker 1: her baby, daddy, and the baby is only three. Their

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Speaker 1: child is only three, So that's kind of still new.

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Speaker 1: If you get what I'm saying. I'm not really sure.

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying I'm not sure what to tell you

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Speaker 1: I'm talking about. I'm not sure what's going on with

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Speaker 1: him and that baby mom, And it's kind of eating

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Speaker 1: at my mind too, So I can only imagine how

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Speaker 1: it makes you feel. I need for you to um

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Speaker 1: fall back a little bit. That's what you gotta do

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Speaker 1: for people like that, because what you're doing, you're making

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Speaker 1: yourself comfortable in the situation, which is making him more comfortable.

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Speaker 1: And he keeps pushing back that date of moving out

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Speaker 1: or moving out the country or sitting y'all down to

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Speaker 1: talk to one another, to introduce you to her. And

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Speaker 1: if that is the case, then yeah, more than likely

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Speaker 1: they are still dealing with each other. I'm not gonna

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Speaker 1: say that they're together, but they're dealing with each other. Now.

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Speaker 1: She probably knows that he's dealing with someone, but she

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Speaker 1: don't know that he got a girlfriend. Now, y'all are

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Speaker 1: in a relationship only to you. I guarantee you. He's

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Speaker 1: not telling this woman that he has a girlfriend. He's

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Speaker 1: not calling you his girlfriend. She probably doing her, He

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Speaker 1: probably doing him. But that's still not right. You know,

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Speaker 1: that's a toxic situation that you don't need to make

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Speaker 1: yourself a part of. You don't continue to be a

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Speaker 1: part of that as real, real baby girl, because until

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Speaker 1: he leaves her, you're sharing him. You two are sharing him,

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Speaker 1: and you don't know, you know, but you don't want

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Speaker 1: to face it. That's what it is. She doesn't know

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Speaker 1: how serious you two are. So again, like I said,

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Speaker 1: you need to be real with yourself and just fall

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Speaker 1: back from him and see what happens. Just fall back

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Speaker 1: because he's too comfortable, baby, Hold up, Hold up. I

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Speaker 1: know the ship getting good, But listen to just a

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Speaker 1: couple of seconds of a commercial. If you love me,

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Speaker 1: you'll listen. Moving on anonymous question for just fix my Mess.

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Speaker 1: I dated dudes for most of my adult life forty

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Speaker 1: plus years now, him one. I mean how old he is.

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Speaker 1: I ain't gonna say your name. Baby. However, I left

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Speaker 1: the gay lifestyle alone and would like to now only

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Speaker 1: date women. Do you think this is something I should

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Speaker 1: tell about my past or not? I did not want

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Speaker 1: to be one of those download dudes, since I would

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Speaker 1: not want another male to do that to me or

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Speaker 1: to any of the females in my family. Thanks for

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Speaker 1: the feedback. Okay, So this guy has been living a

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Speaker 1: gay lifestyle up until his forties, and now he's realizing

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Speaker 1: that he doesn't want to be gay anymore. He wants

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Speaker 1: to just date women now. Honestly, I'm gonna give you

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Speaker 1: my strong opinion. I didn't think that was possible, and

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Speaker 1: we have Andrew Caldwell to thank for that. But no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm just being for real. But that can possibly happen, obviously,

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Speaker 1: because this guy is writing me telling me listen, I

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Speaker 1: want to only date women now. But I want to

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Speaker 1: know why. Why the sudden change we heard? Why do

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Speaker 1: you now want to just date women? Not saying that

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Speaker 1: it's not possible, I just didn't think that it was.

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Speaker 1: Do you not have those urges for you know, your

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Speaker 1: desire for men? Do you not look at them the

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Speaker 1: same anymore. Do you feel like like that you're just

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Speaker 1: worn out, not speaking being funny or anything like that.

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Speaker 1: Do you feel like you're worn out from just relationship

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Speaker 1: after relationship and messing with these men or whatever whatever,

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Speaker 1: and you're just like, Okay, I'm done. Just like men

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Speaker 1: get worn out for women, women get worn out for men,

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Speaker 1: women get worn out from other women. It's a lot

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Speaker 1: of stress. Do you just now want to try something

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Speaker 1: different because dating men haven't worked for you successfully and

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Speaker 1: you've never been able to settle down. Is that what's

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Speaker 1: going on? Just let me know, give me a little

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Speaker 1: bit more clarity on it. But to answer your question,

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Speaker 1: I do think when you do start dating women, or

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Speaker 1: if you already started, I do think and getting to

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Speaker 1: know you that is something that you should talk to

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Speaker 1: them about, you know, and and it could save you

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Speaker 1: a lot of trouble down the line, because what if

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Speaker 1: someone else tells you know this woman, or they find

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Speaker 1: out through someone else you know, and then she comes

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Speaker 1: to you and she's all you know, she'll be frantic.

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Speaker 1: That'll hurt her, that'll hurt you, you know. I think

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Speaker 1: all truths should come from the horses mouth straight up.

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Speaker 1: I should never find out anything about someone that I'm

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Speaker 1: dating when they could have just told me it's not

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Speaker 1: gonna be an easy conversation. No way, it's not gonna

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Speaker 1: be an easy conversation. But it would be easier for

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Speaker 1: her to already know these things about you, and she

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Speaker 1: can make her decision based off of what you told her.

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Speaker 1: You know, you were up fright, you were straight up

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Speaker 1: about it. Also a reason being you want to tell

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Speaker 1: her because say one day, you guys are out somewhere

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Speaker 1: on the beach and you see men in their speed

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Speaker 1: olds or something that you know, something going on or whatever.

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Speaker 1: Because although you don't want to date men anymore, you're

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Speaker 1: still going to be attracted to them. You know, you're

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Speaker 1: never gonna stop looking at men. It's just something that

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Speaker 1: you're attracted to. A hot body, like another hot fine

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Speaker 1: brother ship. And what if you see him and she

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Speaker 1: catches the way you look at him, and so she's

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Speaker 1: forming all these these stories and a mind, you know

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Speaker 1: how a woman's mind wander. Honey, that's gonna wander, and

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Speaker 1: her hard ship is gonna get the ticking and clicking,

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Speaker 1: and then she's gonna actually, it's gonna blow up. And

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Speaker 1: you don't want it to be a big ass, chaotic mess.

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Speaker 1: You just want to be up front, straight up about it.

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Speaker 1: Just let her know I do wish you the best.

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Speaker 1: Please check back in with me moving on. I am

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Speaker 1: a twenty eight year old gay man and I am

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Speaker 1: in a tough situation with my best friend and his ex.

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Speaker 1: So about two years ago, I had a movie night

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Speaker 1: at my place to go watch Beyonce Black is King

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Speaker 1: music video movie up Listen, now what tell me this ship?

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Speaker 1: I invited a guy over who I just met the

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Speaker 1: night before that I was interested in. He came over

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Speaker 1: and him and my best friend hit it off and

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Speaker 1: ended up dating for about a year. The boy I

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Speaker 1: was interested and joined our friend group, and we all

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Speaker 1: spent so much time together. We went on trips, and

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Speaker 1: we went out on the weekends, the whole shebang. He

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Speaker 1: was one of the girls now and while they were dating,

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Speaker 1: no lines were crossed, I thought to my own relationship,

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Speaker 1: which is now over. My best friend ended up breaking

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Speaker 1: up with the guy as well. However, this guy was

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Speaker 1: a part of the friend group still, so it was

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Speaker 1: hard for all of us to let go, but we

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Speaker 1: all did and we just started seeing him in passing.

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Speaker 1: My best friend is now in love in another relationship,

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Speaker 1: and it's happy in love with his new boyfriend. His

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Speaker 1: ex and I have always had eyes for each other

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Speaker 1: though oh lor, but have never acted on it until

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Speaker 1: we had a very hot moment while we both happened

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Speaker 1: to be in a different city, completely unplanned, and it

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Speaker 1: overcame us that we ended up hooking up in the

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Speaker 1: bathroom like in the movies. First of all, we both

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Speaker 1: know we are not trying to date, but we are

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Speaker 1: just physically and mentally attracted to each other and we

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Speaker 1: want to explore that just hooking up of friends would

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Speaker 1: benefit situation. My best friend is not stupid and knows

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Speaker 1: that we both have something going on. My best friend

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Speaker 1: has told me he does not approve, so I have

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Speaker 1: kept my distance from this guy. Know the funk you

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Speaker 1: have not but it go on. This is not worth

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Speaker 1: losing my friendship at all. But I also believe my

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Speaker 1: best friend has a double standard. He lives a very

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Speaker 1: sexually open life, and even in his current relationship, he

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Speaker 1: is very open. I want to respect his feelings, but

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Speaker 1: the connection his X and I have is electric. You know,

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Speaker 1: when you kiss somebody in the world disappears yeah like that.

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Speaker 1: I'm the one that believes in living life to the

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Speaker 1: fullest and wants to explore this. I am so conflict

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Speaker 1: that what should I do. PS. Keep in mind, gay

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Speaker 1: culture is different from the streets, so you might have

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Speaker 1: to call in one of your gay friends for this,

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Speaker 1: but I would love to hear what you have to

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Speaker 1: say as well. Just fix my mess. First of all,

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Speaker 1: I don't need no damn gay person to coming here

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Speaker 1: and tell me nothing, So shut up, sit back, and listen. Now.

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Speaker 1: In the beginning, you did say that you did like

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Speaker 1: this guy. You did say that you liked him, right, okay,

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Speaker 1: and you invited him over and he ended up having

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Speaker 1: eyes for your best friend. They ended up hitting it

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Speaker 1: off right then and there. You were supposed to say something.

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Speaker 1: I don't care. You aren't supposed to go be behind

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Speaker 1: your best friend and do this. I don't give it

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Speaker 1: a gay, straight culture whatever. It's not good. And you

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Speaker 1: said you kept your distance, but you did not, baby,

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Speaker 1: You sucked them in a fucking bad firm with the

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Speaker 1: health that ain't keeping your distance, that ain't even social distance.

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Speaker 1: And nigga, what the fuck We're in the middle of

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Speaker 1: a pandemic. You're fucking him in a bath room and

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Speaker 1: that's your best friend X. You should have told him that,

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Speaker 1: I don't care if your best friend is open with

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Speaker 1: his relationships is open. You are not allowed to go

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Speaker 1: behind your best friend and funk with his ex. This

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Speaker 1: is something that should have been communicated. You should have

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Speaker 1: said that movie night, on that movie night, look, bitch,

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Speaker 1: I met him for me and y'all hitting it off

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Speaker 1: and ship. You should have said that to him and

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Speaker 1: the nigga, Look, what do you want? Because I thought

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Speaker 1: that I got your number for me? I fight? Is

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Speaker 1: you over here to watch a movie with me and

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Speaker 1: you ended up with my best friend? What's going on? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: we're not doing it. Okay, you need to check back

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Speaker 1: in with me because I know you found probably somewhere

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Speaker 1: laid up with his ask right now and yeah, so

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Speaker 1: what I said it get your life right. Nobody playing

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Speaker 1: with you. It's so many men's out here running around

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Speaker 1: for you, and you just had the funk with him

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Speaker 1: after your best friend. It was together for a year,

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Speaker 1: a year and a long time. But it's long enough

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Speaker 1: to love someone, and it's long enough to have a connection,

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Speaker 1: and it's long enough to say to your best friend look, bit,

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Speaker 1: this is motherfucker. This was my boyfriend for twelve months,

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Speaker 1: so I get how you feel. But you lost your

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Speaker 1: turn when you let them watch movies together and hit

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Speaker 1: it off and date and all of that ship talking

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Speaker 1: about something that's fucking electric. I get it. You know.

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Speaker 1: I ain't never kissed, no fucking buy in the world

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Speaker 1: disappeared ship. I want to see this nigger now. But

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Speaker 1: I do respect your honesty, I really really do. However,

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Speaker 1: you ask me my opinion, and you ask me what

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Speaker 1: you should do. I think you should leave that alone,

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Speaker 1: or you sit down and have another conversation with your

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Speaker 1: best friend and backtrack, backtrack and explain yourself. You need

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Speaker 1: to and you need to complain about that bathroom ship

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Speaker 1: in another city, talk about unplanned y'all knew where funk

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Speaker 1: y'all was going. Ship. But I love you and I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna end the episode on that note. Make sure you

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Speaker 1: check back and crazy kid, and just like that, we're

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Speaker 1: done with Just fix my mess. You tune in every

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Speaker 1: single Wednesday, and I want you to tune in next Wednesday.

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Speaker 1: Keep on tune in also to Reckless Discussions every seven PM.

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Speaker 1: Catch episode number twenty nine Tonight Locked and loaded only

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Speaker 1: on YouTube. More Jess fixed my mess next week and

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Speaker 1: then my deepest Pam voice. Peace Carefully Reckless is a

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Speaker 1: production of I heart Radio and The Black Effect. For

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Speaker 1: more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i heart

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Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your

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Speaker 1: favorite shows.