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Speaker 1: I get it. I know, I know how hard it feels,

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Speaker 1: but I need you to know it gets better.

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Speaker 2: What's going on? Everybody, Emily body here.

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Speaker 3: You are listening to episode two hundred and fifty one

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Speaker 3: of Hurdle, a wellness focused podcast. Reconnect with everyone from

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Speaker 3: your favorite athletes to top experts and industry CEOs about

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Speaker 3: their highest highs, toughest moments, and everything in between. We

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Speaker 3: all go through hurdles in life, and my goal through

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Speaker 3: these discussions is to empower you to better navigate yours

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Speaker 3: and move with intention so that you can stride towards

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Speaker 3: your own big potential and of course have some fun

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Speaker 3: along the way.

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Speaker 2: For today's episode, I.

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Speaker 3: Am chatting with Youma hydera Uma and I were introduced

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Speaker 3: by the team at KUFOS. She was on a I

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Speaker 3: hosted during Boston Marathon weekend, and that within minutes of

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Speaker 3: getting to know her was exactly when I knew I

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Speaker 3: wanted to sit down with her for the show.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 3: In today's episode, she talks to me about enlisting in

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Speaker 3: the Navy and what it was like to see combat,

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Speaker 3: plus how that experience impacts her to this day. She

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Speaker 3: talks openly about her experience with home Base and national

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Speaker 3: nonprofit dedicated to healing the invisible wounds of war for

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Speaker 3: veterans of all eras, and the struggle of losing some

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Speaker 3: of her closest friends to suicide. She also talks about

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Speaker 3: how she stumbled into a career of truck driving and

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Speaker 3: how that was actually the influence for her just start

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Speaker 3: taking care of herself through journaling, therapy and running. This

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Speaker 3: was a really impactful and beautiful conversation and I do

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Speaker 3: want to say a huge thanks to the team at

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Speaker 3: UFOs for connecting us now. If you don't know about UFOs,

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Speaker 3: Ufo makes footwear that reduces pressure and demand on your

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Speaker 3: feet and you're joint So instead of feeling fatigue and

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Speaker 3: pain and tightness, all of those nasty things that come

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Speaker 3: hand in hand with spending time on your feet and

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Speaker 3: being active, you can feel better thanks to some of

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Speaker 3: their recovery footwear. They've got sandals, they've got secret inspired looks,

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Speaker 3: lots of options, and I round it up some of

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Speaker 3: my favorites for you to check out. Just head on

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Speaker 3: over to uphos dot com. That's oofos dot com, Slash Collections,

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Speaker 3: slash Emily again, that is.

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Speaker 2: UFOs dot com.

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Speaker 3: Slash collections slash Emily to check out my favorites. I

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Speaker 3: am also a little bit of housekeeping here going to

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Speaker 3: put some links in the show notes to both the

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Speaker 3: home Base program that Yuma talks about in our conversation,

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Speaker 3: as well as some helpful resources for anyone who may

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Speaker 3: be struggling themselves with anxiety and depression.

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Speaker 2: Know that you are certainly not alone.

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Speaker 3: Make sure you're following along with Hurdle over on social

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Speaker 3: its at Hurdle podcast. I am over at Emily a

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Speaker 3: body and with that, let's get to it.

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Speaker 2: Let's get to hurdling today.

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Speaker 3: I am sitting down with Uma Hyderra. She is an

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Speaker 3: UFOs athlete. She's also a Navy veteran and by day

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Speaker 3: a truck driver.

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Speaker 2: How are you.

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Speaker 1: I'm doing good. How are you?

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Speaker 3: I'm good, I'm good. I'm excited to be We're in Boston. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: it's a good place to be, very hot day. I'm

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Speaker 3: sure by the time this podcast will come out, you

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Speaker 3: will have already run the marathon. So let's start off

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Speaker 3: by what advice would you want to give yourself on

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Speaker 3: marathon Monday? Before towing the starting line.

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Speaker 1: No matter the outcome, make sure you enjoy yourself.

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Speaker 3: Love That is that something that you've been able to

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Speaker 3: do for most of your running journey. And we'll kind

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Speaker 3: of talk about how you get into that.

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Speaker 1: But I think so I'm not the fastest person on earth,

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Speaker 1: so like time goals usually go out the window. I

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Speaker 1: just like want to enjoy myself, be and ury free

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Speaker 1: and just like really take in the experience of the marathon.

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Speaker 3: Have you always been able to have that mindset? No, okay,

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Speaker 3: so what's what switched your mindset?

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Speaker 1: I think when I started doing marathons, I think was

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Speaker 1: shorter races. I didn't have that mindset because then I

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Speaker 1: would be going for like time. But something about like

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Speaker 1: the distance and just knowing that anything can happen. I

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Speaker 1: had to let go.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you had to let go.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: There's a lot of wildcards out there.

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Speaker 1: Everything can happen, anything, anything.

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Speaker 3: So before we talk about your journey with running, I

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Speaker 3: do want to give some context because I listed off

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Speaker 3: some really cool stuff that you're doing right now. First

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Speaker 3: and foremost Navy veteran. So what inspired you to go

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Speaker 3: into the service.

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Speaker 1: Yes, when I was growing up, I always loved the

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Speaker 1: structure of the military. I was in JROTC in high school,

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Speaker 1: so it almost felt like right to go into the military.

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Speaker 1: And I also was just in a place of life

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Speaker 1: where it felt like the right step to go in

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Speaker 1: and also knowing that I could get my degree that way,

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Speaker 1: it just felt like the most financial stable way of

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Speaker 1: going after high school.

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Speaker 3: And when you say you were in a stage of

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Speaker 3: life that it felt right for you, can you talk

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Speaker 3: a little bit about that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, my upbringing was a little tough, so like my

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Speaker 1: home life wasn't stable, and I just knew I needed

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Speaker 1: to be able to get on my own two feet,

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Speaker 1: and financially, I just didn't want to be in any

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Speaker 1: kind of debt going into college and college debt we

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Speaker 1: all know about student loans and I didn't want any

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Speaker 1: of that. And the military just gave me this safe

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Speaker 1: space to be able to get on my own two

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Speaker 1: feet while also being able to get my degree.

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Speaker 2: What made you decide navy?

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Speaker 1: Funny, So I actually wanted to go a Marine Corps

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Speaker 1: and my older brother is a marine, and he was like, no,

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Speaker 1: he would not love me. Yeah, he was actually recruiting

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Speaker 1: at the time, so he like told everyone basically, do

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Speaker 1: not let my sister join. So I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go next door and I'm going to

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Speaker 1: work with the Marines then, you know, being the sassy

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Speaker 1: little sister, and that's exactly what I did. Yeah. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Did he think that by telling you you couldn't join

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Speaker 2: his branch of service, that maybe that would dissuade you

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Speaker 2: altogether from going into the military.

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Speaker 1: I think he did because he knew I was, like

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Speaker 1: basketball was like really big in my life at the time,

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Speaker 1: and so I had like potential. I had really good

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Speaker 1: grades at the time, and I think he really wanted

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Speaker 1: me to go to the traditional route, but I just

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Speaker 1: couldn't see it for myself. And he also knew he

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Speaker 1: had already been in a few deployments. He also knew

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Speaker 1: the environment that I would be going into, so he

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Speaker 1: just wanted to protect me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, which is understandable for context. How tall are you?

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Speaker 1: Six feets?

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Speaker 3: I just feel like the listeners need to know because you're,

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Speaker 3: like I was really good at basketball, Like she's also

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Speaker 3: very tall, yeah, also very tall, And you just didn't

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Speaker 3: see that that was a path that you wanted to pursue.

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Speaker 1: No, Yeah, I don't know why. Like even like I

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Speaker 1: did all the things camps au, like visited all the

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Speaker 1: colleges I had prospects, and it just didn't feel like

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Speaker 1: the right decision because even if I got the scholarship

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Speaker 1: went to the college, I would still have to pay

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Speaker 1: for things. So and now I'm supposed to work too

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Speaker 1: while going to school while also playing basketball. It just

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Speaker 1: felt like the hardest way to get my degree.

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Speaker 3: When you make the decision that you're going to go

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Speaker 3: into the military, what does that look like for you

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Speaker 3: from the get go? You said, obviously great because they

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Speaker 3: would pay for your education as well.

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Speaker 1: So initially I thought I was going to be going

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Speaker 1: in as a corman, which is a nurse, and the

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Speaker 1: waitlist was like six months long, and I really wanted

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Speaker 1: to go like the summer after graduation. So they said

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Speaker 1: I could be a builder. So in my hand, like

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Speaker 1: my head, I'm like, okay, I'm going to be building

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Speaker 1: things on the ship, like cool, whatever and so and

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Speaker 1: then they also said, but you can change like down

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Speaker 1: the line. That's kind of like how they get you,

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Speaker 1: you know, like you can get the job you want later.

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Speaker 1: That's not true. Anyone joined the military expect much harder

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Speaker 1: to the switch rates afterwards. But went in as a builder,

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Speaker 1: and I went in in August of two thousand and seven,

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Speaker 1: and for me, it was get through boot camp and

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Speaker 1: like get to your a school. I wasn't really like

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Speaker 1: aware of what my job entailed or what I would

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Speaker 1: be dealing with. I kind of really just went into, like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, get it done, like get in as

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Speaker 1: fast as you can and start getting a paycheck and start,

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Speaker 1: you know, starting your adult life.

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Speaker 2: Basically, what was the division between your time working versus

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Speaker 2: studying versus whatever you had to get done.

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Speaker 1: So I didn't end up going to school until after

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Speaker 1: my first deployment because my whole first year in the

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Speaker 1: military was training. I went through boot camp and then

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Speaker 1: I went to builder school, and then I went through

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Speaker 1: combat training, and then I had to get to my battalion,

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Speaker 1: and then right when I got to my battalion, you

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Speaker 1: were being deployed. So I had no time to go

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Speaker 1: to school. So when I came back, the work schedule

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Speaker 1: was ua gotupt And then when we're in a homeport

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Speaker 1: as we call it, there's not much to do because

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Speaker 1: we build the bases like in Iraq and Afghanistan, So

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Speaker 1: like when we're here, it's like we might like maintain

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Speaker 1: some buildings and stuff, but we don't have a full

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Speaker 1: work day or do trainings, right, so it made it

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Speaker 1: actually very easy to like be able to slip out

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Speaker 1: for a few hours and like study or do homework

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Speaker 1: and then come back and then I would go to

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Speaker 1: school at night, right, Yeah, so it ended up working

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Speaker 1: out pretty well.

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Speaker 2: Two things.

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Speaker 3: First thing, when you say that you built for Iraq

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Speaker 3: and Afghanistan in your capacity, did you see any combat?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

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Speaker 2: Okay, yes.

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Speaker 1: Our first place we were at in Ramadi, Iraq, it

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Speaker 1: was already built, so we were maintaining and like build

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Speaker 1: like expanding it. But you're still like we're getting attacks

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Speaker 1: at night, Like even though you're in the base, it's

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Speaker 1: just like not not even a safe space. And then

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Speaker 1: we would still do outside projects, so you're always just

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Speaker 1: kind of like in the middle of it, you know.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't know.

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Speaker 3: And and so I guess I'd love for you to

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Speaker 3: like expand on that a little bit.

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Speaker 2: How did being in that situation feel for you?

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Speaker 1: So? Can I start with like the flight over there? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: You can start wherever you want.

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Speaker 1: It's just very interesting because I'm eighteen, yeah, and I

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Speaker 1: like I'm around all these grown ups to me people

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Speaker 1: that have deployed before, and I'm almost just going off

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Speaker 1: of their vibe.

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Speaker 2: And you're also a woman, which yeah, there aren't many

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Speaker 2: of you.

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Speaker 1: Not especially in the CEB's Like it's like specifically what

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Speaker 1: I was doing, and I just was like, Okay, if

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Speaker 1: everyone else around me is like calm like what you

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Speaker 1: see right, then I should be calm, Like I can't

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Speaker 1: be that the person freaking out right, like like you said,

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Speaker 1: also as a woman, like suck it up, be tough,

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Speaker 1: like you can't show the boys any weakness whatever, whatever.

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Speaker 1: But even on the plane ride, they start handing out

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Speaker 1: ambient to like relax us because the plane ride was

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Speaker 1: so long. It was like we had to get over

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Speaker 1: to Ireland and then we had to jump over, so

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Speaker 1: we had such long flights and they just wanted us

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Speaker 1: to be calm. So it turns out everyone was like

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Speaker 1: internally freaking out right, And then you get off the

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Speaker 1: plane and it's pitch black because they like to do

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Speaker 1: movements at night, right, so you're not detected, and you're

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Speaker 1: just in the back of this huge truck you probably

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Speaker 1: see him in the movie. There's like rows of seats

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Speaker 1: and it has like the little tarpover so like no

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Speaker 1: like real protection, you know. And I remember being like,

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Speaker 1: just sleep, sleep until you get to base, because like

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Speaker 1: if anything happens, you can't do anything. Like I just

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Speaker 1: remember having that thought of like you have no control,

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Speaker 1: just sleep. And we had like our weapons and our

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Speaker 1: flat vest on us and you have like this little

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Speaker 1: neck guard and you have your helmet on, and I

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Speaker 1: just like put my chin in the neck guard, so

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Speaker 1: I was like, if a bullet comes through, it'll hit

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Speaker 1: my helmet. Like I was already thinking like worst case scenario,

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Speaker 1: like what's going to happen. And I was just like

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Speaker 1: just sleep and then I did. I literally just passed

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Speaker 1: out until we got to base, like because otherwise I

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Speaker 1: would have been so anxious. It was like the only

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Speaker 1: way for me to like calm down.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I feel like the whole deployment was almost

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Speaker 1: like that same mindset of a job to do. You

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Speaker 1: do the job and like anything can happen, be ready,

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Speaker 1: but like you cannot freak out all the time. But

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Speaker 1: internally you're almost like hyper aware. Oh it's a visulant,

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Speaker 1: like it's and you get so used to it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you're just living with this level of ambient anxiety.

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Speaker 1: Wow, but it's normal, like, you know, for the environment.

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Speaker 3: Right, for the environment and the fact that you're surrounded

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Speaker 3: by it, right, Like, You're not the only person that

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Speaker 3: feels this way. And I would be curious to know

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Speaker 3: if that was something that was spoken about amongst all

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Speaker 3: of you.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, of course no.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And so it's so funny in the military instead of

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Speaker 1: talking about real issues, it becomes a dark humor joke

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Speaker 1: and it's funny to laugh it off. And people get

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Speaker 1: bad habits and like, you know, personalities start to shift

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Speaker 1: and you see it all happening, and you you still

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Speaker 1: don't even tie it to Oh, it's because we were

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Speaker 1: in these situations. You just think like, oh, so and

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Speaker 1: so needs to get it together, you know what I mean,

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Speaker 1: because we've all been there, get it together, suck it up. Whatever.

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Speaker 1: It's almost like this toughness thing, right, So mental health

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Speaker 1: has not talked about at all, Right, how you should

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Speaker 1: feel like going into deployment is not talked about. How

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Speaker 1: you're feeling during deployment is not talked about. And then

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Speaker 1: when you're on your way home, you watch like this

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Speaker 1: little like thirty minute video on PTSD. Dude, it's hilarious

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Speaker 1: because it's like this guy. I'll never forget it. It's

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Speaker 1: this guy and he's like going home to his kids

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Speaker 1: and his kids are like scared of him because they

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Speaker 1: haven't seen him in like a while, right, so they're

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Speaker 1: kind of hesitant. And that does happen, you know, especially

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Speaker 1: if like you left in there or like a young

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Speaker 1: toddler and he goes to like hugum and they're like distant,

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Speaker 1: and then he's like he gets mad about it. He's like,

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Speaker 1: these are my kids, Like I've missed you and they

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Speaker 1: don't like me. And the wife's kind of scared because

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Speaker 1: she noticed like he's a little different, you know, like

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Speaker 1: people can just feel the energy like oh they've been somewhere,

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Speaker 1: they've seen something. And I remember being like that's not

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Speaker 1: going to be me, Like that's crazy, right, And when

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Speaker 1: I came home, my mom and my best friend were there,

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Speaker 1: and I I to this day, I apologize to my

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Speaker 1: best friend because I was so snappy because I was

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Speaker 1: so used to everything being in order, everyone moving like

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Speaker 1: this whatever, and they just were not on that level.

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Speaker 1: I noticed, like, oh I am like this, Like I

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Speaker 1: don't know.

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Speaker 2: How did that feel for you?

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Speaker 1: I felt horrible. But I also didn't think it was PTSD.

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Speaker 1: I just thought I was like, Oh, it's just I'm

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Speaker 1: just not used to transitioning back to the Savinian world,

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Speaker 1: Like I just served time, right, I was like, Oh,

305
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Speaker 1: that's all it is. And then I just like whatever,

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Speaker 1: dismiss it.

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Speaker 3: Was it weird for you when you finally got to

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Speaker 3: a place where you did talk about all of these feelings.

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Speaker 1: If I'm being honest, I probably really really started talking

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Speaker 1: about these feelings within the last year.

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Speaker 2: Wow, Like I got on you, thank you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. It was hard because I was in such

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Speaker 1: denial about my mental health. I cause I was I

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Speaker 1: was thriving, I was still functioning, I was working full time,

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Speaker 1: I was going going, but I didn't realize that that

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Speaker 1: was like almost my addiction or whatever. Like some people

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Speaker 1: go to alcohol, some people go to the gym, and

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Speaker 1: mine is like, don't give yourself a second to think.

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Speaker 1: Work a full time job, have a small business, do this,

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Speaker 1: do that help so and so, like never let yourself

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Speaker 1: have like two seconds to sit on the couch to

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Speaker 1: even like think, right until my body just couldn't do

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Speaker 1: it anymore, until I literally shut down. Is when I

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Speaker 1: finally was like, I need I need help.

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Speaker 2: What did literally shutting down look like for you?

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Speaker 1: I couldn't move my body. I were you. I was

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Speaker 1: driving my job and I delivered to a store in

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Speaker 1: Connecticut and I was on the way home. It was

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Speaker 1: probably like three hours away, and I had pulled over

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Speaker 1: to go to bed that night in a service plaza.

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Speaker 1: And that night my phone was kind of like ding

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Speaker 1: ding ding. People were calling me, and I just remember

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Speaker 1: like feeling like this well in my chest and then

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden, my heart was racing and I

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Speaker 1: like couldn't move and like, thank god I was parked,

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Speaker 1: but I like now know I I was having a

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Speaker 1: panic attack. I like thought I was gonna but I

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Speaker 1: couldn't even like pick up my phone and call anybody

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Speaker 1: like so I just like moved to my bunk laid

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Speaker 1: down until it like passed like an hour later, and

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Speaker 1: I called my friend. I was like, I think something's wrong,

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Speaker 1: Like I might need to go to the hospital. I'm

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Speaker 1: in Connecticut. This really sucks, like whatever, and they're like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you're probably fine, like just go to bed. And the

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Speaker 1: next day I slept like sixteen hours. I didn't wake

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Speaker 1: up till like two in the afternoon, I call work

347
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Speaker 1: and I'm like, I'm so sorry, I'm not feeling good, like,

348
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Speaker 1: and they were like, we'll come down and get you

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Speaker 1: because that's how I make my company's amazing. They're like,

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Speaker 1: we'll drive a car and then one of us will

351
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Speaker 1: drive the truck back and you just get in the

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Speaker 1: car and we'll drive you home. And I was like, no,

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Speaker 1: I'll be fine, I'll figure it out because I felt

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Speaker 1: bad and conveniencing people to.

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Speaker 2: Drive like three hours, yeah, I understand.

356
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Speaker 1: Yeah, especially and also another man's world, right, I don't know,

357
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Speaker 1: it's like you wanted to.

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Speaker 2: In these man's world these typically right, yeah, making your

359
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:53,880
Speaker 2: own way you have to. You have to.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I don't know why I'm like attracted to

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Speaker 1: those jobs honestly, but you know, I'm comfortable there, I guess.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

363
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Speaker 1: So that was and it was funny. At the time.

364
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,040
Speaker 1: I was also working nights, I should say that, so

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Speaker 1: in my head it's like, oh, you're just tired, and

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Speaker 1: that's what I like said it was. And I went

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Speaker 1: home that day and I didn't get out of bed

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Speaker 1: for seven days. And my boss at the time, she

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Speaker 1: was like, Uma, you need to see somebody like she's like,

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Speaker 1: this is more than being tired, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, like just keep like PTO like I'll

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Speaker 1: come in eventually. I'm just tired, like my circadian read

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Speaker 1: THEMS off whatever, and she's just like, no, you need

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Speaker 1: to put in for LA. You need to like see

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Speaker 1: a mental person. And like if it wasn't for her,

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Speaker 1: even like putting that seed in my head, I was

377
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Speaker 1: still in denial. Yeah, you know, like I didn't even

378
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:47,840
Speaker 1: know that this was what like a depressive episode looks like. Yeah,

379
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Speaker 1: I didn't even know that terminology totally.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and often we don't, right.

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Speaker 3: I remember when I went through my own depressive episode

382
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Speaker 3: at the beginning of last year. I i before I kind

383
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Speaker 3: of came to turn with it. I remember that I

384
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,639
Speaker 3: was sitting on my couch and I was listening to

385
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Speaker 3: someone else talk about what depression looked like for them,

386
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,080
Speaker 3: and when she said the word the words I just

387
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:14,320
Speaker 3: felt stuck. That really resonated with me because I had

388
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Speaker 3: never heard it described that way before. So when she

389
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Speaker 3: said I felt stuck, I felt it like in my

390
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,320
Speaker 3: chest when she said that, and I was like, that's

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Speaker 3: exactly how I feel. This is exactly how I feel,

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Speaker 3: and I hadn't been able to vocalize or put words

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Speaker 3: to it or some up like how I had been

394
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Speaker 3: feeling until I heard those words, and I was like, Okay,

395
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Speaker 3: maybe this is something that I should look into. Maybe

396
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:39,960
Speaker 3: after hearing her give that breath, that I had the

397
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:43,280
Speaker 3: opportunity to then do something for myself. So when you

398
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:48,440
Speaker 3: heard that from your superior, what happens next?

399
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Speaker 1: A little backstory? Yeah, so this happened in like it

400
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:54,919
Speaker 1: was December ninth. I'll never forget the day. Obviously, I

401
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,760
Speaker 1: had ran the New York City Marathon what maybe like

402
00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,600
Speaker 1: two weeks before, right, and I read for the home

403
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,959
Speaker 1: based program, which is like helping veterans heel their invisible wounds.

404
00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:07,080
Speaker 1: And at that charity dinner, I made a little joke like,

405
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:11,040
Speaker 1: ha ha, I probably raised all this money for myself.

406
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,199
Speaker 1: So there was already like some sort of awareness that

407
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,399
Speaker 1: I was like dipping, but I was still like in

408
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:20,040
Speaker 1: denial that I needed it now or whatever. And everyone

409
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:21,879
Speaker 1: at the table took me very seriously. They gave me

410
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:23,919
Speaker 1: a number to call. They even called the person to

411
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,800
Speaker 1: be like, if she doesn't call, you, call her, because

412
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,760
Speaker 1: I think they already knew, like I was kind of

413
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,880
Speaker 1: like in denial about it. Two days later, on Tuesday,

414
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,239
Speaker 1: he calls me and I'm like, uh, I'm okay, Like

415
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:35,879
Speaker 1: you can put me in, but like I don't need

416
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,399
Speaker 1: to go now because it's two full weeks. And I

417
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,600
Speaker 1: was like, eh, and the holidays are coming up, and

418
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,280
Speaker 1: I was just like, wait, so what is it. It's

419
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,040
Speaker 1: this program's actually here in Boston. And what they do

420
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,040
Speaker 1: is they like bring veterans from all over that are

421
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:52,080
Speaker 1: dealing with mental health issues, and they put you in

422
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,480
Speaker 1: group therapy every day. They have art therapy, they have

423
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,359
Speaker 1: recreational therapy, and then you have individual therapy. So every

424
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,600
Speaker 1: day is scheduled out and you're in a group of

425
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,840
Speaker 1: twelve people. They call him Poor Hearts, and it's absolutely amazing.

426
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,760
Speaker 1: It's a year of therapy crammed into those two weeks. Wow.

427
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,480
Speaker 1: They put you in a hotel nearby, so it's not inpatient,

428
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,720
Speaker 1: like you still have your freedom, but they provide everything, meals,

429
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,280
Speaker 1: all the medical care you need, if you ran out

430
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:17,159
Speaker 1: of your prescriptions, whatever, they take care of everything, so

431
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:20,960
Speaker 1: there's no cost to you. And I think so many

432
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,960
Speaker 1: veterans need it. Like I said, most of us are

433
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,639
Speaker 1: in denial. Of what we're dealing with. Oh yeah, I

434
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:28,119
Speaker 1: got off track. So he asked me. I said no, no, no,

435
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,119
Speaker 1: like you know, wait. Two weeks later, I had this

436
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,720
Speaker 1: panic attack. I call him sobbing, like I need to

437
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,280
Speaker 1: get in now. At the time when he asked me,

438
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,679
Speaker 1: I would have been in in two weeks. When I

439
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,760
Speaker 1: waited two more weeks to call him, I had to

440
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,040
Speaker 1: wait till March to get into the program.

441
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,119
Speaker 2: How did that feel.

442
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,000
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to do. And he was like,

443
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,879
Speaker 1: we have resources and this is a good thing. He

444
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,760
Speaker 1: was like, we will find resources at work with your insurance,

445
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,040
Speaker 1: get with the VA. And at the time I was

446
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,720
Speaker 1: not in the VA system. It took me even longer

447
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,200
Speaker 1: to get in the VA system. That's a whole other

448
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:02,240
Speaker 1: guilt trip and whatever. And he's like, we'll give you

449
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,560
Speaker 1: all the resources, which he did, but even still I

450
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,399
Speaker 1: still had to wait and wait less until February. I

451
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,480
Speaker 1: didn't get to see any therapist until February.

452
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:11,360
Speaker 2: It makes me so mad. It makes me mad. I'm

453
00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:11,880
Speaker 2: mad for you.

454
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:15,040
Speaker 3: I had a similar experience where like just waiting to

455
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,960
Speaker 3: get access to a doctor despite having health insurance, still

456
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,600
Speaker 3: needing to wait, and it's just so frustrating that this

457
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:27,679
Speaker 3: is the system and there really are no solves, and

458
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:31,679
Speaker 3: it's like, unless you have exorbitant amounts of money somehow

459
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:35,119
Speaker 3: to get around the system, this is just how it is.

460
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,560
Speaker 3: It just it breaks my heart that you had to

461
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,400
Speaker 3: wait that long, and I really share in that frustration.

462
00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:44,280
Speaker 3: I really do so to provide a little bit more context,

463
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,400
Speaker 3: because I know we've touched on the fact you said

464
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,719
Speaker 3: you ran the New York City Marathon. When did running

465
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,440
Speaker 3: actually come to the picture for you?

466
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,040
Speaker 1: When I started trucking?

467
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,239
Speaker 2: Okay, I was.

468
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,960
Speaker 1: It's funny because now looking back, I had a depressive

469
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,240
Speaker 1: episode before. I didn't I didn't like attest it to

470
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,800
Speaker 1: that at the time. But in my transition out of

471
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,320
Speaker 1: the military, I was still in nursing school and I

472
00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:08,439
Speaker 1: was just doing a lot, and I was go, go, go,

473
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,720
Speaker 1: like always, and I started shutting down, Like I started

474
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:14,120
Speaker 1: calling into work, barely making it to school on time,

475
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,560
Speaker 1: just like laying in bed all day. And I started

476
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,600
Speaker 1: packing on pounds and I just got like to this

477
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:22,720
Speaker 1: really like heavy, like not physically heavy, but like you know,

478
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,560
Speaker 1: like mentally heavy place where just like moving your body

479
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:29,400
Speaker 1: feels like and the hardest thing. Oh my gosh, yeah,

480
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,560
Speaker 1: I just like kind of I started like financially dipping

481
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:32,920
Speaker 1: because I was calling out of work all the time.

482
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:36,240
Speaker 1: So in my head, after I finished my nursing school,

483
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,239
Speaker 1: I went and took my finals whatever, and I used

484
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,560
Speaker 1: to drive by this trucking school at the time and

485
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:40,840
Speaker 1: I just stopped in there and I was like, I want

486
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,840
Speaker 1: my cdo and I did that.

487
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,879
Speaker 2: And I started CDL. Yeah, what's it?

488
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,240
Speaker 1: What's the stand for commercials Driver's license?

489
00:22:47,359 --> 00:22:47,679
Speaker 2: Got it?

490
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:48,960
Speaker 1: Sorry, No, it's fine.

491
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:50,520
Speaker 2: The hurdlers want to know.

492
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,240
Speaker 1: I love that you asked me that. Yeah. So when

493
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:59,160
Speaker 1: I started driving, I remember getting my physical done because

494
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,760
Speaker 1: you have to get a doo t physical like to

495
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,240
Speaker 1: prove that you're healthy to be on the road. And

496
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,320
Speaker 1: I was almost three hundred pounds and yes I'm six feet,

497
00:23:06,359 --> 00:23:11,040
Speaker 1: but like for me, that was a lot, and I like,

498
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,000
Speaker 1: I think it was like a slap in the face, like, oh,

499
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,760
Speaker 1: you've just like let yourself go, you know. So I

500
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,399
Speaker 1: started driving and I just started being really conscious about

501
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:19,879
Speaker 1: like what I was eating, and that's kind of how

502
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,439
Speaker 1: I started like my healthy journey, like just nutritious foods.

503
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,200
Speaker 1: And I got a croc plot was making all these

504
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:28,679
Speaker 1: like Chucker meals, and I just noticed that I was

505
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,040
Speaker 1: doing it like the unhealthy way, because I was doing

506
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:32,760
Speaker 1: like the Keto thing, and I was like, this is

507
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:37,080
Speaker 1: not sustainable. And I was like, the only thing that

508
00:23:37,119 --> 00:23:38,800
Speaker 1: I can do on the run that I can guarantee

509
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,840
Speaker 1: I can do is run, like I can park somewhere

510
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,520
Speaker 1: and run down the road, even if I have the

511
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,000
Speaker 1: run laps around my truck. That's a way to get

512
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,000
Speaker 1: my body moving. Because I couldn't guarantee I could get

513
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,000
Speaker 1: to a gym. I couldn't guarantee I could have a shower.

514
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:54,879
Speaker 1: I couldn't guarantee anything. So in doing that, I just

515
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,000
Speaker 1: bought a pair of running shoes and then I signed

516
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:58,960
Speaker 1: up for a five k like months down the road,

517
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:00,200
Speaker 1: and I just started running.

518
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:03,080
Speaker 2: Just started running. Yeah, how did running feel for you

519
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:03,480
Speaker 2: at first?

520
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:08,199
Speaker 1: Horrible? Yeah? I hated it. It was absolutely horrible. I

521
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,919
Speaker 1: could barely run like thirty seconds, huffing and puffing. Everything hurts.

522
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:15,399
Speaker 1: This sucks. All the negative thoughts like how dare you

523
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,320
Speaker 1: try and be out here? You look too slow to

524
00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:19,159
Speaker 1: be running on the road. People are probably like what

525
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:19,760
Speaker 1: are you doing?

526
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:20,000
Speaker 2: All?

527
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,120
Speaker 1: You know, just spiraling?

528
00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 2: What kept you going?

529
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:27,280
Speaker 1: The goal of just being healthy. I just wanted to feel.

530
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,639
Speaker 3: Healthy, And did you have any benchmarks around that at first,

531
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:35,000
Speaker 3: about small things that you wanted to achieve to get

532
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,240
Speaker 3: to that ultimate goal of feeling healthier.

533
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:40,760
Speaker 1: I feel like I started maybe with running. I think

534
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,840
Speaker 1: running helped me set goals, and when you can accomplish it,

535
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:46,200
Speaker 1: it makes you feel better. Run a minute without stopping,

536
00:24:46,359 --> 00:24:49,560
Speaker 1: run a mile without stopping. I was doing intervals, and

537
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:51,960
Speaker 1: it was just like cool just to see, oh, I

538
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,199
Speaker 1: can run two miles without stopping, and like, oh, I

539
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,800
Speaker 1: ran up this hill. And then I started like putting

540
00:24:56,800 --> 00:25:00,320
Speaker 1: it towards my life, like the way I thought. I

541
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 1: started listening to podcasts that were like really about like

542
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,280
Speaker 1: how you view the world and how you view yourself

543
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:11,480
Speaker 1: in your space and like being grateful and just trying

544
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:13,879
Speaker 1: to like practice that in my life. And I think

545
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:17,280
Speaker 1: it really made a difference. And it made me mentally healthy,

546
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,200
Speaker 1: even though I didn't appreciate it at the time because

547
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,160
Speaker 1: I didn't know. But physically healthy is what I saw

548
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,720
Speaker 1: because my body was responding to this positivity in my depression,

549
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,800
Speaker 1: I gain weight because my body I could be eating healthy,

550
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,600
Speaker 1: I could be running, I can do all the things

551
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:34,560
Speaker 1: and my body is like, Nope, you're stressed. You're hanging on.

552
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,880
Speaker 2: To everything, right, No, that totally makes sense.

553
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,480
Speaker 3: I mean, your metabolism can be depressed, just like you

554
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:43,080
Speaker 3: can be depressed, right, And so it all kind of

555
00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:48,040
Speaker 3: coexists together. And when you, the research shows, start to

556
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,160
Speaker 3: take care of yourself and move your body, you're more

557
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,359
Speaker 3: likely to be proactive in whatever else your goals may be.

558
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:58,359
Speaker 3: And so it's totally understandable that there was a correlation

559
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,880
Speaker 3: between putting on weight and how you were feeling mentally.

560
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,960
Speaker 3: You kept at running because you were able to see

561
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:09,080
Speaker 3: the bigger goal. It's interesting to me, but what we

562
00:26:09,119 --> 00:26:12,560
Speaker 3: see here is that by not fixing those underlying issues,

563
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:16,560
Speaker 3: no matter, you were running and you were getting better

564
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:19,480
Speaker 3: and I'm using like air quotes, but we still needed

565
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:20,359
Speaker 3: to put in the work.

566
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:23,359
Speaker 1: It's funny, like you were running, so like, yes, this

567
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:27,199
Speaker 1: is depressive. Episode happened in December, so very close to yours.

568
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:34,080
Speaker 1: And I stopped running for like six months, and I

569
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:38,359
Speaker 1: had Chicago Marathon coming up this past fall, and I

570
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:41,639
Speaker 1: hired a running coach and I was back at Square Run,

571
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,600
Speaker 1: like running like sixteen minute miles and like I'm still

572
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:49,520
Speaker 1: in this very dark head space, like you're not worth anything?

573
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,840
Speaker 1: How dare you get out here and even try? Like

574
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,400
Speaker 1: so everything in my head is negative. So even though

575
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,280
Speaker 1: I'm running and I know this is something I love,

576
00:26:57,359 --> 00:27:00,120
Speaker 1: I know it somewhere deep down inside me, I know it,

577
00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:03,080
Speaker 1: it feels like the worst thing ever and it's all

578
00:27:03,119 --> 00:27:06,000
Speaker 1: coming from my mind. So I like, as I've gotten

579
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:09,159
Speaker 1: better throughout the year, and like now I feel like

580
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:13,320
Speaker 1: I'm running and I am enjoying it, like my mind

581
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:15,639
Speaker 1: is telling me I'm enjoying it, like I'm able to

582
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,640
Speaker 1: just sit in and be okay instead of like filling

583
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,000
Speaker 1: it with like negative thoughts and just spiraling and then

584
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 1: the run is horrible because you're mentally horrible. Yeah.

585
00:27:25,359 --> 00:27:29,840
Speaker 3: I remember when I went to finally see a doctor,

586
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:33,160
Speaker 3: she said something that I hadn't realized, which was that

587
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,480
Speaker 3: I may have noticed that things that typically bring me

588
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:40,880
Speaker 3: joy don't feel the same. And for me at the time,

589
00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:44,080
Speaker 3: when I wasn't injured, I would be running and it

590
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,000
Speaker 3: would just be something that I checked off the list

591
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,000
Speaker 3: for the day, right, Like I just knew that, Like

592
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:49,840
Speaker 3: I'm a runner, I like to run, so I'm going

593
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:53,719
Speaker 3: to check this thing off. And what ultimately I was doing,

594
00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:56,800
Speaker 3: was I would just be thinking about all this stuff

595
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 3: that didn't serve me as opposed to how grateful I

596
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,919
Speaker 3: am to move my body and the wind blowing my

597
00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:07,240
Speaker 3: little butt around, and you know, the great playlist or

598
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:09,120
Speaker 3: podcast that I'm listening to. You like, all of that

599
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:10,720
Speaker 3: was lost on me because I was just doing this

600
00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:12,199
Speaker 3: thing because I felt like I was supposed to be

601
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:16,000
Speaker 3: doing it, and so that truly resonates with me as well.

602
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:20,560
Speaker 3: Your experience now, I think that I would be remiss

603
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,720
Speaker 3: if I didn't ask you if there has been in

604
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:26,240
Speaker 3: the last year, maybe a moment or two that distinctively

605
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:28,720
Speaker 3: felt different that you noticed you were kind of coming

606
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:29,200
Speaker 3: out of it.

607
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:36,040
Speaker 1: Man. There was like one run I did with my friend.

608
00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:38,640
Speaker 1: It was just a four mile run and it started

609
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:42,560
Speaker 1: raining on us and it was like one of those

610
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,880
Speaker 1: hard days, like getting out off the couch was hard,

611
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:46,960
Speaker 1: and like I had to link up with friends to

612
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:49,560
Speaker 1: even get my training runs in because then I felt obligated,

613
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:53,720
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, and she we like did it and

614
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:56,560
Speaker 1: it felt good. That was like the first time, like

615
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:59,640
Speaker 1: I didn't feel like the whole run I'm having negative thoughts.

616
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,760
Speaker 1: It just felt like light and airy, like my brain

617
00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:06,360
Speaker 1: wasn't going like into this negative spiral. And when we finished,

618
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:09,400
Speaker 1: I was like, man, I love this loop right like,

619
00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:12,920
Speaker 1: and I blamed it on the loop that we had done.

620
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:14,840
Speaker 1: I have since done the loop. The loop is not

621
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,840
Speaker 1: that great, like you know what I mean. It's actually

622
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,160
Speaker 1: very helly. But it was just like my mindset that

623
00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:23,880
Speaker 1: day had like a level of like clarity, like something

624
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:26,000
Speaker 1: like opened up, like oh you like this.

625
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:33,640
Speaker 3: Taking a break from today's episode to give some love

626
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:38,240
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627
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628
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629
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630
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631
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:58,240
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632
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633
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634
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635
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636
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637
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638
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639
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640
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642
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643
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644
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645
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646
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Speaker 3: It is my all in one nutritional solution to give

647
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Speaker 3: my body exactly what it needs so that I can

648
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Speaker 3: feel better on the regular.

649
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:56,680
Speaker 2: Listen.

650
00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:59,479
Speaker 3: I used to haphazardly just take whatever gummy vitamins were

651
00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:02,800
Speaker 3: on sale at the store, and now I know better.

652
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 2: So that is where ag one from Athletic Greens comes in.

653
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654
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655
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656
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657
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658
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659
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:29,360
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660
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:33,800
Speaker 3: slash hurdle to get freebies with your purchase today. Let's

661
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:43,120
Speaker 3: get back to it. Since you had said that you

662
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,160
Speaker 3: weren't going to be able to gain access to that

663
00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 3: program until March, So were you able to go through

664
00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:49,840
Speaker 3: that two weeks of programming?

665
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:52,160
Speaker 1: Yeah? I ended up going that someone had dropped out

666
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:53,680
Speaker 1: in the end of February, so I ended up going

667
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:58,000
Speaker 1: like a session earlier. Okay, that's great and amand did

668
00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:58,600
Speaker 1: I need that?

669
00:31:58,680 --> 00:31:59,720
Speaker 2: What were your takeaways from that?

670
00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:03,479
Speaker 1: Ex I wasn't alone, So that was the thing. This

671
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:06,520
Speaker 1: whole time, I'm like in bed, I can't go to

672
00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:08,440
Speaker 1: the grocerytore, I can't do anything. I'm door dashing in

673
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:10,840
Speaker 1: saccarding like I'm not telling people that I'm not move

674
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:13,640
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, being very hush hush about it. And

675
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:17,640
Speaker 1: when I did talk to people, they would say things

676
00:32:17,760 --> 00:32:21,920
Speaker 1: like me so well, meaning Hima, you love going outside.

677
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,400
Speaker 1: Just go for a hike, just go for a run,

678
00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:27,160
Speaker 1: and it means so well. But they don't understand that

679
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,600
Speaker 1: I can't move my body right now. And even if

680
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:31,600
Speaker 1: I did said thing, I'm not going to feel better.

681
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:34,920
Speaker 1: This isn't like a sad day you know, it's deeper

682
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:38,280
Speaker 1: than that, and so I couldn't explain it to anyone.

683
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:41,400
Speaker 1: No one in my immediate life had gone through something

684
00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:43,520
Speaker 1: I was going through to this extent, I would get

685
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:47,440
Speaker 1: frustrated opening up. And then when I went to this program,

686
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:51,360
Speaker 1: there was twelve people in that room going through exactly

687
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:53,840
Speaker 1: what I was going through. When I We're still in

688
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:57,480
Speaker 1: a group chat. We still always text each other people

689
00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:00,000
Speaker 1: I would never run across. I mean, they're all around

690
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:04,200
Speaker 1: the country, and I needed that more than anything, just

691
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:07,480
Speaker 1: that camaraderie. Like obviously, yes, the therapy was great. My

692
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,560
Speaker 1: therapist there to this day was still the best therapist

693
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,840
Speaker 1: I've ever had. I have not done a therapist yet

694
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:16,440
Speaker 1: on that level, unfortunately, but they have amazing doctors there.

695
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:18,240
Speaker 1: The way they care for you, the way they look

696
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:20,360
Speaker 1: out for you. At the time, I wasn't getting out

697
00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:23,520
Speaker 1: of bed. The days there go from seven to five,

698
00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:25,960
Speaker 1: and I couldn't imagine getting up at seven in the morning,

699
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:29,240
Speaker 1: and people in my corehort would knock on my door

700
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:31,840
Speaker 1: to make sure I was awake, like call my cell phone.

701
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:35,240
Speaker 1: It was just the way everyone was just caring about

702
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:38,360
Speaker 1: everybody is exactly what I need, and I needed to

703
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 1: not be in my apartment. Yeah, I lived on my couch,

704
00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:44,440
Speaker 1: lived on it, and it was so nice to be

705
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:45,840
Speaker 1: able to get up every day, even though it was

706
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,000
Speaker 1: forced and it took me hours to be grateful to

707
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:53,920
Speaker 1: be awake. Definitely not a morning person, but it gave

708
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:55,720
Speaker 1: me a routine that I definitely needed.

709
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:59,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, even your energy shifts when you talked about that,

710
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:03,360
Speaker 3: just like just the gratitude that is reflective in your voice,

711
00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:06,600
Speaker 3: and it's it's so stellar that there is a program

712
00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:11,760
Speaker 3: like that. I'm curious to know, like how widespread knowing

713
00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:15,279
Speaker 3: of that existence is, Like do individuals know about that

714
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:16,800
Speaker 3: when they're coming back from combat?

715
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:19,040
Speaker 2: No, huh yeah.

716
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:22,360
Speaker 1: And it's they're they're trying to be like more like

717
00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:24,840
Speaker 1: loud about is this a national program. It's a national program,

718
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:28,360
Speaker 1: but it's just not well known. It's here in Boston.

719
00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:30,560
Speaker 1: So like veterans in this area know about it. They

720
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:32,680
Speaker 1: do like this big race every July, the run to

721
00:34:32,719 --> 00:34:34,880
Speaker 1: home Base. He gets run around, like run across the

722
00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:36,880
Speaker 1: home base played at Fenway, So a lot of people

723
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:40,600
Speaker 1: like know about it in that aspect, but like veterans,

724
00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:43,000
Speaker 1: even the ones I served with, Like I'm always posting

725
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:45,440
Speaker 1: on the like, oh I didn't know about this, you know,

726
00:34:45,600 --> 00:34:47,759
Speaker 1: And I'm like, you need to know, you need to

727
00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:49,040
Speaker 1: know that you can get help.

728
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:50,960
Speaker 2: Is there a proper name for it.

729
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:52,480
Speaker 1: It's called the home based Program.

730
00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:53,040
Speaker 2: The home based Program.

731
00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:54,799
Speaker 3: Okay, I'll look for some links and i'll put those

732
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:55,719
Speaker 3: in the show notes too.

733
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:57,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, of course.

734
00:34:57,160 --> 00:34:57,239
Speaker 1: No.

735
00:34:57,640 --> 00:34:59,759
Speaker 3: I mean again, I'm so happy that you were able

736
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:02,040
Speaker 3: to go there, and clearly it's made such a profound

737
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:06,440
Speaker 3: impact on you. You even said earlier, like I realized

738
00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:09,320
Speaker 3: that I was just doing all these things to avoid

739
00:35:10,239 --> 00:35:14,200
Speaker 3: dealing with my feelings, right, so you you know, stumble

740
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:17,719
Speaker 3: into this truck driving school and you're like, this is

741
00:35:17,719 --> 00:35:19,880
Speaker 3: exactly what I'm gonna do at the time. Do you

742
00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 3: reflecting on it now, do you think that you actually

743
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,600
Speaker 3: wanted to do that or it was just another distraction.

744
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:27,319
Speaker 1: I think I was in a skate yeah, like being

745
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 1: on the road for months at a time, not dealing

746
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:33,080
Speaker 1: with anyone. Talk about isolating, yeah, right, and being and

747
00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:33,960
Speaker 1: I was fine with it.

748
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:34,440
Speaker 2: Yeah.

749
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:36,799
Speaker 1: Everyone's like, you don't get lonely? No, I love this.

750
00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:39,560
Speaker 1: How bad is that? Do you know what I mean?

751
00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:44,760
Speaker 1: Like I disconnected from people, like physically, right, I didn't

752
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:47,240
Speaker 1: have to like be around. I didn't have to show face.

753
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,160
Speaker 1: I could just like go on the road.

754
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:52,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, talk to us a little bit about that. Tell

755
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:54,719
Speaker 3: me a little bit about what it was like when

756
00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:57,840
Speaker 3: you first started driving and what kind of schedule you maintained.

757
00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:00,760
Speaker 1: When I first started driving, I started out of Wisconsin

758
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:03,520
Speaker 1: in like November, mind you, at was stationed in Mississippi

759
00:36:03,719 --> 00:36:05,400
Speaker 1: for the last like seven years.

760
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:08,960
Speaker 2: Very cold, very cold, your face.

761
00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:13,600
Speaker 1: Light, like negative seventeen wind chill because you're right on

762
00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,560
Speaker 1: the lake, you know. And I had no winter clothes

763
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:19,319
Speaker 1: anymore because now I've been stationed there for whatever. I

764
00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:21,200
Speaker 1: like went to Walmart, I was wearing like three pairs

765
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:26,000
Speaker 1: of pants, like buying every jacket possible. But my schedule

766
00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:27,719
Speaker 1: ended up being like being on the road for like

767
00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:29,360
Speaker 1: a month or two and then coming home for a

768
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:31,840
Speaker 1: week or two. And I would just go on the

769
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:33,960
Speaker 1: road until like a friend had a wedding, so I'd

770
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,160
Speaker 1: have to be in town for that or whatever. And

771
00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:37,520
Speaker 1: it was cool because I was able to do that

772
00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:39,759
Speaker 1: cross country, so I was able to see people all

773
00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:42,839
Speaker 1: over the country and just like do events here and there, whatever,

774
00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:44,920
Speaker 1: reven and biplanes. I'd just be like, hey, I need

775
00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:47,319
Speaker 1: to be in this town this weekend, and they'd make it.

776
00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:49,680
Speaker 3: Happen, right, So you would just drive that route, and

777
00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:51,799
Speaker 3: were you driving for one company specifically?

778
00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:54,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, this company at a Wisconsin called.

779
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:56,439
Speaker 3: Real Okay, Yeah, how would it work? Then you would

780
00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:58,799
Speaker 3: drive during the day and then sleep at night.

781
00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:02,760
Speaker 1: Yeah. So in the trucking world, we work. We're allowed

782
00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:04,759
Speaker 1: to work a fourteen hour day and then you get

783
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:06,720
Speaker 1: a ten hour break and then you do it again. Okay,

784
00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:09,279
Speaker 1: So you can only do that up to seventy hours,

785
00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:11,359
Speaker 1: which usually run out on the fifth or sixth day,

786
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:12,960
Speaker 1: and then you have to do a thirty four hour

787
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:15,080
Speaker 1: reset so you can get all your hours back.

788
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:19,000
Speaker 3: Interesting, So when you were driving and you'd be in

789
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:21,200
Speaker 3: different locations, how would that play out?

790
00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:23,520
Speaker 1: So I would it would be my reset, Okay, So

791
00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:25,919
Speaker 1: I would like work that full week and like drain

792
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,359
Speaker 1: my hours and then I'd be able to like hang

793
00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:31,200
Speaker 1: out for It'd always be more than thirty four hours,

794
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:32,600
Speaker 1: but it was nice to get back to the truck

795
00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:34,120
Speaker 1: and have like a fresh week of hours.

796
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:34,840
Speaker 2: Okay. Cool.

797
00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:38,160
Speaker 3: And so despite as we've kind of already laid the

798
00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:41,160
Speaker 3: foundation for using this as a way to avoid dealing

799
00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:44,000
Speaker 3: with your feelings, how did you feel about trucking?

800
00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:46,120
Speaker 1: I loved it. You did, Oh my gosh.

801
00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:47,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, you like driving. What would you do in the truck?

802
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:49,760
Speaker 2: Would you listen to music? When you podcast?

803
00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:52,759
Speaker 1: Podcasts? Yeah? Books, Oh my gosh. So my first year.

804
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:54,839
Speaker 1: I know this is so corny, but you remember those

805
00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:58,000
Speaker 1: chicken for those soup Chicken.

806
00:37:56,840 --> 00:38:00,120
Speaker 2: Chicken super the teenage soul Chicken soup.

807
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 1: Yes, thank you for helping you.

808
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:03,719
Speaker 2: You're welcome, Okay.

809
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:08,400
Speaker 1: They had like these CD like audio books. Yeah, and

810
00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:10,120
Speaker 1: I would put those in and I would just like

811
00:38:10,239 --> 00:38:13,160
Speaker 1: listen to them and like cry and like laugh and yeah,

812
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:15,680
Speaker 1: I just got so sucked into it. And that was

813
00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:18,840
Speaker 1: like a vibe for me. I found like everyone possible,

814
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:21,120
Speaker 1: oh my god, and like listen to them because at

815
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:24,360
Speaker 1: the time it was twenty fourteen, but like podcasts on

816
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:27,640
Speaker 1: your phone weren't as easy, like Spotify didn't have them. Yeah. Yeah,

817
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:29,919
Speaker 1: I had to use like cast box or some weird

818
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,200
Speaker 1: app for podcasts, and there were so many ads, so

819
00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:34,240
Speaker 1: it was just nice to have like the CD version

820
00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:38,280
Speaker 1: of things. But yeah, wow, that's so random.

821
00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:40,359
Speaker 2: No, it is super random. I don't think I've heard

822
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:43,319
Speaker 2: anything about the soup for the Soul books since, like

823
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:46,920
Speaker 2: at least two thousand and four. Yeah, you're bringing it back.

824
00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:50,319
Speaker 3: Okay, so you started driving, and then when you said

825
00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:53,440
Speaker 3: that was twenty fourteen. So when did you actually find running?

826
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:54,520
Speaker 3: Give me a timeline.

827
00:38:55,400 --> 00:39:01,359
Speaker 1: I think my first race was in that spring. Okay, Yeah,

828
00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:04,440
Speaker 1: my first five k was no that hmm.

829
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:06,840
Speaker 2: Right, because you said that when you went in for

830
00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:10,040
Speaker 2: your physical, that's when you were confronted with just exactly

831
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:11,280
Speaker 2: what was going on in your body.

832
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:15,680
Speaker 1: Okay, November of twenty thirteen technically, yeah. And then yep,

833
00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:18,080
Speaker 1: that next spring, I think it was April something, I

834
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:19,440
Speaker 1: did a five k Mississippi.

835
00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,680
Speaker 2: Do you remember how it felt finishing the five k?

836
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:27,279
Speaker 1: So good? Yeah? Yeah, I felt so good, like I

837
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:30,560
Speaker 1: could like climb mountains like I felt on top of

838
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:34,480
Speaker 1: the world because I had never done that before. I've

839
00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:37,440
Speaker 1: just never like had a goal and then reached it

840
00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:39,920
Speaker 1: and then felt like that feeling. You know.

841
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:44,480
Speaker 3: Interesting, it's I hear you say that, but I also

842
00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:49,040
Speaker 3: recognized that like you deployed with the Navy, Yeah, very different.

843
00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:53,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, that doesn't feel like an accomplishment. Yeah, it's your job. Yeah,

844
00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:56,800
Speaker 1: so like there's no like, yay, I did this hard

845
00:39:56,800 --> 00:39:59,960
Speaker 1: thing and got this for myself. I did this hard

846
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:03,759
Speaker 1: thing for the government. Yeah, you know, that's a hard

847
00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:06,560
Speaker 1: thing for everyone else but me, Like, you know, so

848
00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:08,280
Speaker 1: it doesn't feel very personal.

849
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:11,360
Speaker 3: So that was an opportunity through running to prioritize yourself.

850
00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,160
Speaker 2: That's special. Yeah, that's really special.

851
00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:17,720
Speaker 3: And so with that feeling of I could climb everest,

852
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:21,880
Speaker 3: I could do anything, did you turn that power into

853
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:22,640
Speaker 3: anything else?

854
00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:24,880
Speaker 2: Were you inspired to do anything differently?

855
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:27,920
Speaker 1: Keep running? Yeah, sign up for another race and then

856
00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:30,719
Speaker 1: I sign up for a ten k in DC with

857
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:32,520
Speaker 1: my friends that were stationed there. It was like a

858
00:40:32,520 --> 00:40:34,640
Speaker 1: way to see friends too. Yeah, so I sign up

859
00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:37,560
Speaker 1: for a ten k. They ran with me, and that

860
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:41,040
Speaker 1: felt like the hardest thing ever. And it's so funny now,

861
00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,320
Speaker 1: you know, like running marathons, but that ten k felt

862
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:45,960
Speaker 1: I remember getting around like mile five and just feeling

863
00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 1: my body started to really hurt, and I'm like, how

864
00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:50,520
Speaker 1: am I supposed to get like through this last mile?

865
00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:55,320
Speaker 1: And I remember also after that feeling so accomplished. I

866
00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:56,919
Speaker 1: was like, I can't believe I did that.

867
00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:59,120
Speaker 2: You know how special?

868
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:02,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, so you start to like kind of reclaim your

869
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:06,760
Speaker 3: sense of self. It sounds like through running. But again,

870
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:09,279
Speaker 3: as we've addressed like that can only get you so far.

871
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:11,960
Speaker 3: Were there any other hobbies or things that you would

872
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:14,520
Speaker 3: do while you're on the road to keep you occupied

873
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:15,680
Speaker 3: it and kind of mix things up?

874
00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:18,560
Speaker 1: Yeah? Really, I mean I did this, like you know

875
00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:21,120
Speaker 1: the insanity videos. Yeah, I would do that if I

876
00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:23,120
Speaker 1: couldn't run, I just put the video on my phone

877
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:25,080
Speaker 1: and then just do the workout like behind my trailer.

878
00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:28,600
Speaker 1: But really, no, I journal.

879
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:30,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, talk to me about journaling.

880
00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:33,640
Speaker 1: I'm a big journal er. What are you writing about everything?

881
00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:34,080
Speaker 2: Yeah?

882
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:36,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I used to journal as a kid. I

883
00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:39,319
Speaker 1: love going back and like reading my old diaries. And

884
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,080
Speaker 1: I think it was a way because I grew up

885
00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:43,799
Speaker 1: in such a like a like a tough household. It

886
00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:47,560
Speaker 1: was a way for me to like be happy and

887
00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:50,160
Speaker 1: I would I would never write the bad things in there.

888
00:41:50,239 --> 00:41:53,880
Speaker 1: It was always like a happy thing, right, So it's

889
00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:55,960
Speaker 1: almost like a gratitude journal. I didn't know it at

890
00:41:55,960 --> 00:41:58,200
Speaker 1: the time, but that's probably what I was doing. And

891
00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:02,399
Speaker 1: as I got old or I just like love being

892
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:04,719
Speaker 1: able to just like write about how I'm feeling or

893
00:42:04,719 --> 00:42:06,560
Speaker 1: what made me happy today, or what was like this

894
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,439
Speaker 1: crazy thing that happened yeah, or like what I hope

895
00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:12,920
Speaker 1: for my future goals and at the time, like running,

896
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:15,759
Speaker 1: I just like kind of scot sucked in, Like I

897
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:17,640
Speaker 1: want to run a half marathon. I want to run

898
00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:20,360
Speaker 1: this many miles a week, like and make it happen

899
00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:22,120
Speaker 1: no matter how crazy my schedule gets.

900
00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:25,000
Speaker 2: And yeah, so journaling was it?

901
00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:25,720
Speaker 1: Yeah?

902
00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:29,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, these days do you find yourself writing about all

903
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:32,359
Speaker 3: of it and not just the highlights all of it?

904
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:35,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, the darkness and everything which was forced upon me,

905
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:39,680
Speaker 1: which is so like, tell me about that. So after

906
00:42:39,760 --> 00:42:41,560
Speaker 1: home base they set you up. They make sure you're

907
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:45,160
Speaker 1: set up with therapists. Right after great right, I ended

908
00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:47,799
Speaker 1: up in an IOP program which was nine to twelve

909
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:48,279
Speaker 1: every day.

910
00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:49,600
Speaker 2: What's IOP stand.

911
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:51,440
Speaker 1: For Intensive outpatient program?

912
00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:51,839
Speaker 2: Got it?

913
00:42:52,120 --> 00:42:56,920
Speaker 1: And you're with people dealing with depression anxiety and to

914
00:42:57,000 --> 00:42:58,960
Speaker 1: keep that routine going, like you have to be up,

915
00:42:59,040 --> 00:43:01,520
Speaker 1: you have to do this thing for three hours. And

916
00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:04,840
Speaker 1: they they'd always start off with like the meditation stuff

917
00:43:05,120 --> 00:43:09,080
Speaker 1: and like in depression, I love meditating. I love journaling.

918
00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:11,800
Speaker 1: All that means nothing like get it away from me,

919
00:43:11,880 --> 00:43:13,480
Speaker 1: Like this is so annoying. Why are you putting on

920
00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:15,719
Speaker 1: five minutes meditative music? Like all I'm thinking about is

921
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:16,360
Speaker 1: negative stuff?

922
00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:18,399
Speaker 2: Like you don't want to get it to your thoughts, yes,

923
00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:19,440
Speaker 2: ma'am right.

924
00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:22,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like like I was so annoyed, and then they'd

925
00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:24,879
Speaker 1: always be like, here's a prompt and write about it.

926
00:43:25,160 --> 00:43:28,800
Speaker 1: And there was always some like dark, like deep question

927
00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:31,719
Speaker 1: like you had to dig for and answer and then

928
00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:34,520
Speaker 1: you and I remember the first day I like wrote it.

929
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,200
Speaker 1: This is a tough part too. When I got out

930
00:43:38,239 --> 00:43:40,840
Speaker 1: of the home Base program, I've lost a lot of

931
00:43:40,880 --> 00:43:43,719
Speaker 1: friends to suicide. I've lost like one more than one

932
00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:46,080
Speaker 1: of my best friends, but one of the people I

933
00:43:46,080 --> 00:43:49,319
Speaker 1: starved with, he was like my best best friend and

934
00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:52,040
Speaker 1: he ended up taking his life and that kind of

935
00:43:52,120 --> 00:43:54,520
Speaker 1: rocked me in like twenty twenty. And then when I

936
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:57,400
Speaker 1: got out of the home Base program, I graduated on

937
00:43:57,480 --> 00:44:00,279
Speaker 1: a Friday, and on Saturday, I got a call that

938
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:04,440
Speaker 1: one of my their best friends took their life. So

939
00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:07,360
Speaker 1: I was a mass going into this iop I was

940
00:44:07,440 --> 00:44:09,799
Speaker 1: not okay, right. It almost felt like everything I just

941
00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:11,759
Speaker 1: like gained in the home Based program was washed away

942
00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:15,560
Speaker 1: because I was just like grieving. So I remember like

943
00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:18,759
Speaker 1: doing this prompt and then I didn't know how it went.

944
00:44:18,800 --> 00:44:21,160
Speaker 1: But then they want you to share it, So I

945
00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:23,279
Speaker 1: just wrote this really deep stuff on my paper and

946
00:44:23,280 --> 00:44:24,360
Speaker 1: now you want to share it to a bunch of

947
00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:28,240
Speaker 1: strangers I don't know, and like they go around everyone

948
00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:30,200
Speaker 1: so I can feel comfortable, you know, because I'm hearing

949
00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:32,400
Speaker 1: everyone's story, so I guess, and that should make you

950
00:44:32,440 --> 00:44:34,839
Speaker 1: comfortable to share yours. And by the time it gets

951
00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:37,279
Speaker 1: to me, I'm just like sobbing because none of these

952
00:44:37,280 --> 00:44:40,320
Speaker 1: people know what like I'm going through and I'm trying

953
00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:43,879
Speaker 1: to like say the words and I can't get them out.

954
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:47,160
Speaker 1: And I just felt like like that was torture, Like

955
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:49,040
Speaker 1: you just made me write this and then now you

956
00:44:49,040 --> 00:44:51,880
Speaker 1: want me to share it. But that ended up being

957
00:44:53,280 --> 00:44:57,160
Speaker 1: probably the most healing part of that IOP because I

958
00:44:57,200 --> 00:44:59,759
Speaker 1: was able to speak these things that I was writing down,

959
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:02,600
Speaker 1: you know, and by the end it felt like I

960
00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:05,640
Speaker 1: was comfortable talking to these people about the dark thoughts

961
00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:08,239
Speaker 1: I'm having in my head today or last night, how

962
00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:10,120
Speaker 1: you know. So it was like really.

963
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:12,120
Speaker 2: Nice, Yeah, I'm so sorry to hear that.

964
00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:16,359
Speaker 3: What does these days your regular self care mental health

965
00:45:16,400 --> 00:45:17,160
Speaker 3: practices look like.

966
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:21,360
Speaker 1: So I'm still not a morning person, but I like

967
00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:26,120
Speaker 1: to wake up without my phone. I'm like I try

968
00:45:26,120 --> 00:45:28,319
Speaker 1: to do that anyways, but I like to wake up

969
00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:31,719
Speaker 1: and just like streut and like just think and I

970
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:33,919
Speaker 1: know that sounds weird, but I'll just like lay there

971
00:45:34,120 --> 00:45:36,000
Speaker 1: and just be like today is going to be a

972
00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:38,680
Speaker 1: good day, like you know, like almost like speaking it

973
00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:42,080
Speaker 1: into existence. And I just have to be positive in them, right,

974
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 1: no matter how I'm feeling, like everything works out in

975
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:48,840
Speaker 1: your favor. Yeah, Like you know, it's beautiful, you're breathing,

976
00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:51,480
Speaker 1: you're healthy, you're not in pain. Whatever I have to

977
00:45:51,520 --> 00:45:54,520
Speaker 1: say to like almost like pump myself up, like today

978
00:45:54,560 --> 00:45:56,759
Speaker 1: is going to be good, no matter what happens, today

979
00:45:56,840 --> 00:45:58,759
Speaker 1: is going to be good. And then I get out

980
00:45:58,760 --> 00:46:01,920
Speaker 1: of bed. Yeah, but I have to have that moment

981
00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:04,399
Speaker 1: because if I don't do that, like if I feel

982
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:07,200
Speaker 1: rush and I just get up and go, like I

983
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:09,240
Speaker 1: feel like it's easier for me to get negative.

984
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:11,480
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, that's totally understandable.

985
00:46:11,560 --> 00:46:12,239
Speaker 1: Yeah.

986
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:14,640
Speaker 2: And then what does work look like for you these days?

987
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:16,880
Speaker 1: Oh? Well, I just changed my schedule, thank god, but

988
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:19,680
Speaker 1: I was working five days on the road, two days

989
00:46:19,719 --> 00:46:21,960
Speaker 1: home and that was killing me because I was just

990
00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:25,319
Speaker 1: like it's long days. I'm still not I'm not one

991
00:46:25,400 --> 00:46:30,080
Speaker 1: hundred percent. You know, I feel way better, but I'm

992
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:33,319
Speaker 1: I I feel like sometimes like I still have moments, right,

993
00:46:33,400 --> 00:46:35,360
Speaker 1: like dips, but like now I can catch them and

994
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:38,200
Speaker 1: I know how to get out of them. And so

995
00:46:38,360 --> 00:46:41,360
Speaker 1: with work, that workload was just too much. And like

996
00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:43,440
Speaker 1: I'm okay with saying that now, like I don't have

997
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:46,080
Speaker 1: to work my butt off, like I can take care

998
00:46:46,080 --> 00:46:48,879
Speaker 1: of myself first. That's another lesson I learned this year.

999
00:46:48,920 --> 00:46:52,200
Speaker 1: It's okay to put yourself first. And so now I'm

1000
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:54,160
Speaker 1: working a schedule where I work the five days on

1001
00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:58,359
Speaker 1: the road and I'm home for five days, which is huge. Yeah,

1002
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:01,799
Speaker 1: so it's like I have to decompress. Like last week

1003
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:04,000
Speaker 1: was my first five days off. I was in bed

1004
00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:06,160
Speaker 1: the first two days because, like I said, I still

1005
00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:08,800
Speaker 1: have my moments. But then the next three I was

1006
00:47:08,840 --> 00:47:11,200
Speaker 1: able to be productive. And when I got back to work,

1007
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:13,360
Speaker 1: I felt light. I didn't feel like, oh, yeah, I

1008
00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:14,279
Speaker 1: have to be at work. Yeah.

1009
00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:17,000
Speaker 3: And you said that you know how to help yourself

1010
00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:18,080
Speaker 3: get out of these moments.

1011
00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:19,719
Speaker 2: Now, what does that consist of.

1012
00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:24,080
Speaker 1: I think there's a mindset of knowing it's temporary. When

1013
00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:27,400
Speaker 1: I was in the dark place, you couldn't tell me

1014
00:47:27,400 --> 00:47:28,760
Speaker 1: there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

1015
00:47:28,920 --> 00:47:31,680
Speaker 1: I would have cussed you out. I was mad. How

1016
00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:34,520
Speaker 1: dare you say that there's no light here? I'm not

1017
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:37,080
Speaker 1: even saying a therapist yet, I have no help yet.

1018
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:40,399
Speaker 1: Whereas when does it get better? You know, months down

1019
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:42,920
Speaker 1: the road, even after therapy, When does it get better?

1020
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:47,360
Speaker 1: You know? So I think now I know it gets better? Yeah?

1021
00:47:47,560 --> 00:47:47,920
Speaker 2: Yeah?

1022
00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:49,719
Speaker 3: And is that what you would say to someone else

1023
00:47:49,760 --> 00:47:51,640
Speaker 3: that feels as though they're also struggling?

1024
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:55,080
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, like I get it. I know, I know

1025
00:47:55,239 --> 00:47:57,840
Speaker 1: how hard it feels, but I need you to know

1026
00:47:57,920 --> 00:47:58,600
Speaker 1: it gets better.

1027
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:02,279
Speaker 3: You have a much more accommodating schedule. Now, what other

1028
00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:04,040
Speaker 3: things are you looking forward to doing when you have

1029
00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:04,759
Speaker 3: your time off.

1030
00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:07,800
Speaker 1: I'm huge into hiking. So I live in New Hampshire,

1031
00:48:07,840 --> 00:48:09,560
Speaker 1: so I go up to the White mount Mountains a

1032
00:48:09,600 --> 00:48:12,000
Speaker 1: lot and I love hiking, so I can't wait to

1033
00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:15,680
Speaker 1: get back into that now that it's like the weather's changing. Yes, yes,

1034
00:48:16,040 --> 00:48:18,120
Speaker 1: very excited. I ski so that's what I did during

1035
00:48:18,160 --> 00:48:20,719
Speaker 1: the winter. I just love being outdoors, honestly, get me

1036
00:48:20,800 --> 00:48:24,280
Speaker 1: right water, get me in the woods. I'm happy for you.

1037
00:48:24,719 --> 00:48:29,600
Speaker 3: Obviously, running has also opened up a different community. Right now,

1038
00:48:29,719 --> 00:48:33,239
Speaker 3: you have so many people in your network that you

1039
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:34,560
Speaker 3: didn't have previously.

1040
00:48:34,719 --> 00:48:35,920
Speaker 2: How has that helped you?

1041
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:40,360
Speaker 1: I love the running community, and I was scared of

1042
00:48:40,400 --> 00:48:43,719
Speaker 1: it at first, Like I feel like I'm like an anomaly,

1043
00:48:43,840 --> 00:48:47,360
Speaker 1: Like not many people look like me. Like I'm a tall, thick,

1044
00:48:47,960 --> 00:48:52,160
Speaker 1: dark skinned woman, right, and you go to a race

1045
00:48:52,520 --> 00:48:58,480
Speaker 1: and I'm probably the only tall, dark skinned, thick woman, right,

1046
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:01,319
Speaker 1: Like I'm probably the only one. And I'm like and

1047
00:49:02,000 --> 00:49:05,040
Speaker 1: that used to make me feel so uncomfortable, right, and

1048
00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:07,400
Speaker 1: because I'm like, oh, I don't belong in this space.

1049
00:49:07,560 --> 00:49:11,160
Speaker 1: You're lining up for a race, everyone looks a certain way, right,

1050
00:49:11,200 --> 00:49:15,800
Speaker 1: and you're like the anomaly. But I realized that people

1051
00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:19,920
Speaker 1: don't care. They will cheer you on, they don't care

1052
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:23,520
Speaker 1: what you look like. And I don't know the way.

1053
00:49:23,640 --> 00:49:26,359
Speaker 1: The runn community has had my back, especially this last year.

1054
00:49:26,760 --> 00:49:28,640
Speaker 1: When I say I posted in this group, it's like

1055
00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:31,280
Speaker 1: she runs this town. And I was like, hey, everyone,

1056
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:34,200
Speaker 1: I'm dealing with depressive episode. I'm missing a bunch of

1057
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:37,239
Speaker 1: my training runs. I have to run Chicago. Like, are

1058
00:49:37,280 --> 00:49:39,279
Speaker 1: you guys willing to meet me for runs? When I

1059
00:49:39,280 --> 00:49:41,480
Speaker 1: tell you I didn't want to run one run alone

1060
00:49:42,360 --> 00:49:46,920
Speaker 1: training for Chicago? That is amazing. Yeah, that is amazing

1061
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:49,439
Speaker 1: that people came out for me. Yeah, people I didn't

1062
00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:49,880
Speaker 1: even know.

1063
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,160
Speaker 3: And also everything that you were saying about like feeling

1064
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:56,520
Speaker 3: othered by showing up and being the only person that

1065
00:49:56,560 --> 00:49:59,759
Speaker 3: looks like you, Yeah, that's understandable as well. And I

1066
00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:02,440
Speaker 3: think that it's so special this opportunity that we have

1067
00:50:02,600 --> 00:50:06,719
Speaker 3: within marathoning that you show up and regardless of what

1068
00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:11,440
Speaker 3: you look like, everyone is there just cheering on absolutely everyone.

1069
00:50:11,480 --> 00:50:13,680
Speaker 3: It's the most invigorating feeling.

1070
00:50:14,120 --> 00:50:15,280
Speaker 1: It's amazing.

1071
00:50:15,440 --> 00:50:16,319
Speaker 2: Yeah, I do.

1072
00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:19,400
Speaker 3: It's not lost on me that there still are like

1073
00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:20,840
Speaker 3: certain issues with access.

1074
00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:25,320
Speaker 1: Oh of course. Yeah. We as humans and as a society,

1075
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:28,520
Speaker 1: we should always want to grow and be better. Yeah, right, yeah,

1076
00:50:28,520 --> 00:50:30,920
Speaker 1: And I think just when they running community and like

1077
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:34,319
Speaker 1: with race organizers, like there's still room to grow. Not

1078
00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:36,000
Speaker 1: everything's perfect right now.

1079
00:50:36,040 --> 00:50:36,600
Speaker 2: No, it's not.

1080
00:50:36,760 --> 00:50:39,320
Speaker 3: And I know, like even especially like this race running

1081
00:50:39,320 --> 00:50:41,839
Speaker 3: through like so many predominantly white neighbor all of them

1082
00:50:41,840 --> 00:50:43,480
Speaker 3: are predominantly white neighborhoods.

1083
00:50:44,160 --> 00:50:45,240
Speaker 1: Joys the living in New England.

1084
00:50:45,480 --> 00:50:48,360
Speaker 2: Yes, literally, do you know someone that lives in New Hampshire?

1085
00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:51,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like, it's it's certainly not lost on me that

1086
00:50:51,040 --> 00:50:54,160
Speaker 3: there is so far to go, right, but we have

1087
00:50:54,680 --> 00:50:57,640
Speaker 3: made strides and there's it's really exciting to be able

1088
00:50:57,680 --> 00:51:00,720
Speaker 3: to be a part of what and snacks.

1089
00:51:00,920 --> 00:51:03,360
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, yes, do you feel that way too. I

1090
00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:08,160
Speaker 1: actually feel like people are finally being heard and speaking.

1091
00:51:08,360 --> 00:51:11,279
Speaker 1: I feel like growing up. I also grew up in

1092
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:14,040
Speaker 1: like New York, so I was around diversity for a while,

1093
00:51:14,040 --> 00:51:15,719
Speaker 1: and then we moved to New Hampshire. When I was

1094
00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:18,600
Speaker 1: like getting into middle school, that was a shock. I

1095
00:51:18,680 --> 00:51:22,240
Speaker 1: was like, clearly right, and there's like what one percent

1096
00:51:22,360 --> 00:51:26,359
Speaker 1: Black people in New Hampshire are very small and I

1097
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:30,560
Speaker 1: could not speak up. There was no safe space for

1098
00:51:30,600 --> 00:51:33,520
Speaker 1: me to be me. I literally was like, hey, I

1099
00:51:33,600 --> 00:51:37,200
Speaker 1: have to blend in. I'm straightening, relaxing your hair. We're

1100
00:51:37,239 --> 00:51:40,759
Speaker 1: wearing you know what I mean, losing your accent like

1101
00:51:40,960 --> 00:51:44,120
Speaker 1: my family's African, like speak proper, Like you need to

1102
00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:47,560
Speaker 1: like literally fit in. And that's exactly what I did.

1103
00:51:47,840 --> 00:51:50,120
Speaker 1: Like it was almost like survival, right, And then as

1104
00:51:50,160 --> 00:51:54,120
Speaker 1: I got older, it's like, no, you're gonna embrace you,

1105
00:51:54,120 --> 00:51:56,279
Speaker 1: you know, wear your hair however you want, no matter

1106
00:51:56,280 --> 00:51:58,759
Speaker 1: who it Bothers like, talk however you want, you know

1107
00:51:58,760 --> 00:52:01,040
Speaker 1: what I mean, act whoever you want, want be you, Like,

1108
00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:04,959
Speaker 1: you don't need to fit in, and I think as

1109
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:08,840
Speaker 1: a like community, people are okay with speaking up against

1110
00:52:08,840 --> 00:52:12,040
Speaker 1: things that are not right. Right, and people are like, oh,

1111
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:15,719
Speaker 1: I didn't even know that was a problem because we

1112
00:52:15,719 --> 00:52:18,359
Speaker 1: were just harboring it. We would talk about it within

1113
00:52:18,400 --> 00:52:21,880
Speaker 1: ourselves with people like our best friends are close friends,

1114
00:52:21,880 --> 00:52:24,239
Speaker 1: but we weren't speaking out to the world to be

1115
00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:26,640
Speaker 1: like this is what life looks like for me today, yeah,

1116
00:52:26,719 --> 00:52:27,799
Speaker 1: or every day? Yeah?

1117
00:52:27,920 --> 00:52:32,040
Speaker 3: Right? How do you feel being someone as you do

1118
00:52:32,239 --> 00:52:35,080
Speaker 3: like speak up more? And you know, as I mentioned,

1119
00:52:35,200 --> 00:52:38,120
Speaker 3: you work with UFOs, so you've been featured on their platforms.

1120
00:52:38,280 --> 00:52:41,799
Speaker 3: How does it feel for you to be I feel

1121
00:52:41,800 --> 00:52:44,640
Speaker 3: like trailblazer is a big word, but someone that is

1122
00:52:44,680 --> 00:52:47,640
Speaker 3: at the forefront and other women are seeing you speak

1123
00:52:47,719 --> 00:52:49,920
Speaker 3: out and they may feel compelled to do the same.

1124
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:53,319
Speaker 1: I feel like this is all still very new, right.

1125
00:52:53,360 --> 00:52:55,200
Speaker 1: I just got with UPHOS like a year ago. A

1126
00:52:55,280 --> 00:52:57,239
Speaker 1: year ago when I was in my darkest place, so

1127
00:52:57,560 --> 00:53:00,840
Speaker 1: imposter syndrome, right, I was still having like negative thoughts

1128
00:53:00,920 --> 00:53:02,680
Speaker 1: like why why are you taking pictures? I mean, why

1129
00:53:02,680 --> 00:53:05,160
Speaker 1: do you think I'm worthy of being on this billboard

1130
00:53:05,239 --> 00:53:08,640
Speaker 1: or whatever? I've gained so much weight right in my

1131
00:53:08,680 --> 00:53:10,759
Speaker 1: depression I'm so sick right now and you're blowing me

1132
00:53:10,880 --> 00:53:13,319
Speaker 1: up for the world to see. And I was when

1133
00:53:13,360 --> 00:53:15,319
Speaker 1: I tell you, like, obviously, it was so great to

1134
00:53:15,320 --> 00:53:17,800
Speaker 1: be like on a storefront window on boil Sin the

1135
00:53:17,800 --> 00:53:20,520
Speaker 1: Street last year during the marathon. I was honored, but

1136
00:53:20,600 --> 00:53:21,880
Speaker 1: like I hated that picture.

1137
00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:22,600
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1138
00:53:22,600 --> 00:53:25,600
Speaker 1: And the day that I was leaving, this woman walked

1139
00:53:25,680 --> 00:53:28,320
Speaker 1: up and she goes, I just started running. My husband

1140
00:53:28,360 --> 00:53:30,839
Speaker 1: runs a bunch of marathon he ran Boston yesterday. And

1141
00:53:30,880 --> 00:53:33,120
Speaker 1: she's like, this is the first time I saw someone

1142
00:53:33,160 --> 00:53:36,799
Speaker 1: that had thighs like me. And I literally just like

1143
00:53:37,239 --> 00:53:41,040
Speaker 1: cried because I didn't realize that it, like it could

1144
00:53:41,040 --> 00:53:43,279
Speaker 1: affect anyone. Because she literally like walks in the store.

1145
00:53:43,280 --> 00:53:45,279
Speaker 1: She goes, is that you like on the front of

1146
00:53:45,280 --> 00:53:46,920
Speaker 1: the door, And I was like yeah, and she just

1147
00:53:47,000 --> 00:53:49,200
Speaker 1: like to be like, oh, I ran by here, yesterda

1148
00:53:49,200 --> 00:53:50,640
Speaker 1: and I was hoping that you would be in here,

1149
00:53:51,280 --> 00:53:52,240
Speaker 1: Like how sweet.

1150
00:53:52,400 --> 00:53:53,360
Speaker 2: That's so sweet?

1151
00:53:53,440 --> 00:53:56,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I was like, oh, this is like this

1152
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:58,799
Speaker 1: is a positive thing. There's like a through line here

1153
00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:01,719
Speaker 1: that we keep coming back to, which is the importance

1154
00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:04,000
Speaker 1: of knowing that, however, it is that you feel you

1155
00:54:04,040 --> 00:54:07,759
Speaker 1: are not alone in that right. Yes, so whether it

1156
00:54:08,000 --> 00:54:12,040
Speaker 1: is dealing with issues with your mental health or feeling

1157
00:54:12,239 --> 00:54:15,839
Speaker 1: insecure in your body, or god knows what I mean

1158
00:54:16,080 --> 00:54:19,000
Speaker 1: a zillion things that we all complain about every single day. Right,

1159
00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:23,960
Speaker 1: your feelings are valid, They're so valid, and you are

1160
00:54:24,080 --> 00:54:27,000
Speaker 1: not the only person who has to navigate them. Right.

1161
00:54:27,080 --> 00:54:30,400
Speaker 3: So there's freedom in speaking up, and it might not

1162
00:54:30,440 --> 00:54:33,360
Speaker 3: always be easy, and more often than not it's not.

1163
00:54:33,719 --> 00:54:37,040
Speaker 3: But when you do, that is how you find your

1164
00:54:37,160 --> 00:54:42,200
Speaker 3: own freedom. That is how you feel lighter you do.

1165
00:54:42,600 --> 00:54:46,560
Speaker 1: I remember, obviously before this year, I you would not

1166
00:54:46,640 --> 00:54:49,280
Speaker 1: know any things wrong with me. M h to my friends,

1167
00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:51,319
Speaker 1: I always have it together. I'm the one everyone calls

1168
00:54:51,360 --> 00:54:53,360
Speaker 1: for problems. I'm the one that helps everybody, but no

1169
00:54:53,360 --> 00:54:55,200
Speaker 1: one needs to help me. I always got it together right,

1170
00:54:55,840 --> 00:54:57,839
Speaker 1: And this last year was I need to help? People

1171
00:54:57,880 --> 00:55:00,840
Speaker 1: need to come over and help me clean the house? Yeah,

1172
00:55:00,960 --> 00:55:03,120
Speaker 1: I couldn't do dishes. Friends with you know, to be

1173
00:55:03,160 --> 00:55:05,880
Speaker 1: able to send a text like that, talk about being humbling,

1174
00:55:06,200 --> 00:55:07,600
Speaker 1: be like I haven't been able to do my dishes

1175
00:55:07,600 --> 00:55:09,239
Speaker 1: in two weeks? Can you please come over and help me?

1176
00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:16,359
Speaker 3: How impressive it is for you to do that, for

1177
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:20,360
Speaker 3: you to say I need help and get to that place.

1178
00:55:20,719 --> 00:55:21,400
Speaker 2: Shit's hard.

1179
00:55:23,120 --> 00:55:26,120
Speaker 1: You don't realize it, but then you think I'm not

1180
00:55:26,160 --> 00:55:28,560
Speaker 1: gonna cry, Like, oh gosh, I feel the eyes because

1181
00:55:28,600 --> 00:55:34,600
Speaker 1: it's like my whole life giving of myself. I think

1182
00:55:34,640 --> 00:55:38,000
Speaker 1: I put worth there, like I am of value to

1183
00:55:38,120 --> 00:55:42,160
Speaker 1: you because I'm helping you, But I never saw that

1184
00:55:42,239 --> 00:55:45,560
Speaker 1: value in myself that I deserve that help too.

1185
00:55:45,719 --> 00:55:47,239
Speaker 2: You do you do?

1186
00:55:47,480 --> 00:55:47,880
Speaker 1: Yeah?

1187
00:55:47,960 --> 00:55:48,400
Speaker 2: I get it.

1188
00:55:48,520 --> 00:55:52,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, I totally I am right there with you. It's

1189
00:55:52,920 --> 00:55:57,400
Speaker 3: so understandable to like feel that emotion, right Oh no,

1190
00:55:57,560 --> 00:56:02,120
Speaker 3: I totally resonate with this. And as a self proclaimed giver,

1191
00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:07,160
Speaker 3: I know that I can only keep giving if I

1192
00:56:07,200 --> 00:56:08,480
Speaker 3: allow people to give to me.

1193
00:56:08,840 --> 00:56:09,279
Speaker 2: That's it.

1194
00:56:10,239 --> 00:56:13,680
Speaker 3: So right now, someone goes to your Instagram page and

1195
00:56:13,719 --> 00:56:18,240
Speaker 3: they see a passionate woman who loves running, who loves

1196
00:56:18,280 --> 00:56:21,600
Speaker 3: her job, a woman who has really dedicated herself to

1197
00:56:22,000 --> 00:56:26,000
Speaker 3: the giving of others for others. When you look in

1198
00:56:26,040 --> 00:56:28,760
Speaker 3: the mirror, what is it that you see looking back

1199
00:56:29,000 --> 00:56:29,359
Speaker 3: at you?

1200
00:56:31,200 --> 00:56:37,520
Speaker 1: I can honestly say I feel beautiful right now? Right, So, like,

1201
00:56:37,680 --> 00:56:39,759
Speaker 1: I know this is so crazy, like and people are

1202
00:56:39,800 --> 00:56:43,319
Speaker 1: like duh, like right, like everyone's like no, everyone's beautiful, right,

1203
00:56:43,360 --> 00:56:47,160
Speaker 1: but like for me to like feel it like not

1204
00:56:47,280 --> 00:56:52,360
Speaker 1: being in my best body or my best shape or whatever,

1205
00:56:52,880 --> 00:56:57,399
Speaker 1: Like I can genuinely look at myself and just feel good. Yeah, right,

1206
00:56:57,560 --> 00:57:00,600
Speaker 1: Like there's no judgment right now, and I I really

1207
00:57:00,680 --> 00:57:02,960
Speaker 1: really like that. I feel like I don't need to

1208
00:57:03,440 --> 00:57:06,400
Speaker 1: fit a mold to like look good to the outside world,

1209
00:57:06,440 --> 00:57:07,520
Speaker 1: like I look good for me.

1210
00:57:07,920 --> 00:57:10,719
Speaker 3: Oh my heart, Like I'm just like beaming for you,

1211
00:57:11,120 --> 00:57:14,560
Speaker 3: because that is goals, right, that's goals for everyone, just

1212
00:57:14,600 --> 00:57:18,120
Speaker 3: to literally look in the mirror and feel beautiful. Because

1213
00:57:18,240 --> 00:57:22,960
Speaker 3: we can shut ourselves into positive self talk, affirmations, all

1214
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:25,440
Speaker 3: these things all day every day, but at the end

1215
00:57:25,480 --> 00:57:27,640
Speaker 3: of the day, it's like truly about how you feel

1216
00:57:27,960 --> 00:57:30,360
Speaker 3: and knowing that how you feel, I get off of

1217
00:57:30,360 --> 00:57:32,880
Speaker 3: my soebox in a second, But how you feel it,

1218
00:57:33,040 --> 00:57:35,640
Speaker 3: that's a you thing. No one else can should you

1219
00:57:35,680 --> 00:57:36,280
Speaker 3: into how.

1220
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:37,680
Speaker 2: You feel exactly.

1221
00:57:37,880 --> 00:57:38,160
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1222
00:57:38,280 --> 00:57:40,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, So to hear you say that out there, everything

1223
00:57:40,200 --> 00:57:43,800
Speaker 3: that you have so generously shared, I'm so happy for

1224
00:57:43,920 --> 00:57:46,440
Speaker 3: you that you feel that way. I think that's awesome.

1225
00:57:46,800 --> 00:57:49,280
Speaker 3: That's truly awesome. I was gonna say, is there anything,

1226
00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:51,760
Speaker 3: maybe even as of more recently, that you feel like

1227
00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:53,240
Speaker 3: has helped you get to that place?

1228
00:57:55,680 --> 00:58:00,000
Speaker 1: I'm moving my body right, so I know I'm healthy. Yeah,

1229
00:58:00,360 --> 00:58:03,560
Speaker 1: I think that helps. My body is still capable of

1230
00:58:03,680 --> 00:58:06,120
Speaker 1: hard things, you know, like the quote I keep saying,

1231
00:58:06,120 --> 00:58:09,000
Speaker 1: like I let go, Like my body is what it

1232
00:58:09,040 --> 00:58:12,080
Speaker 1: is right now for a reason. I went through something

1233
00:58:12,400 --> 00:58:15,600
Speaker 1: very hard, right and it's okay that my body doesn't

1234
00:58:15,640 --> 00:58:18,360
Speaker 1: look like it did before. If it's meant to get

1235
00:58:18,360 --> 00:58:20,440
Speaker 1: back there, it will. But I'm not like, oh, I

1236
00:58:20,480 --> 00:58:22,920
Speaker 1: need to go on this diet and like ye lose

1237
00:58:22,920 --> 00:58:25,800
Speaker 1: weight or you know, get a flat belly. Like nope,

1238
00:58:25,840 --> 00:58:28,040
Speaker 1: you know what I did. I just sized up on

1239
00:58:28,040 --> 00:58:30,320
Speaker 1: my bikinis, like you know, and I'm still gonna wear

1240
00:58:30,320 --> 00:58:33,360
Speaker 1: a bikini this summer, but like I bought bigger shorts.

1241
00:58:33,400 --> 00:58:36,480
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna be comfortable and like the clothes that

1242
00:58:36,520 --> 00:58:38,200
Speaker 1: I'm going to be wearing this summer, I'm not going

1243
00:58:38,240 --> 00:58:40,760
Speaker 1: to try and squeeze into the jeans that I wore before.

1244
00:58:40,920 --> 00:58:43,400
Speaker 2: Like not necessary, not necessary at all.

1245
00:58:43,600 --> 00:58:46,080
Speaker 3: Oh, I'm so happy for you, and like this has

1246
00:58:46,120 --> 00:58:49,840
Speaker 3: been such a such a journey for me personally, but

1247
00:58:49,920 --> 00:58:52,360
Speaker 3: it's You've had such a beautiful journey and you know

1248
00:58:52,560 --> 00:58:56,040
Speaker 3: you said it, going to that home based program and

1249
00:58:56,760 --> 00:58:59,080
Speaker 3: learning that you weren't alone, and now you're sitting here

1250
00:58:59,080 --> 00:59:01,200
Speaker 3: and sharing what you've been through. Someone else listening to

1251
00:59:01,200 --> 00:59:04,240
Speaker 3: this also just also feels like they are not alone.

1252
00:59:04,280 --> 00:59:08,080
Speaker 3: So I would encourage you to keep talking and to

1253
00:59:08,160 --> 00:59:10,200
Speaker 3: keep opening up because I think it's really special and

1254
00:59:10,240 --> 00:59:12,480
Speaker 3: it's such a great opportunity for us to do that

1255
00:59:12,520 --> 00:59:15,600
Speaker 3: with each other. Right, yes, right now, you have an

1256
00:59:15,640 --> 00:59:20,959
Speaker 3: opportunity to give yourself a piece of advice when you're

1257
00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:24,160
Speaker 3: in the thick of it. You're in that moment where

1258
00:59:24,200 --> 00:59:26,400
Speaker 3: you can't get out of bed and you're thinking that

1259
00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:29,280
Speaker 3: you might need to take a leave of absence and

1260
00:59:29,320 --> 00:59:33,880
Speaker 3: you're trying to make some changes for yourself. Knowing what

1261
00:59:33,920 --> 00:59:36,560
Speaker 3: you know, now, what would you tell yourself during that

1262
00:59:36,640 --> 00:59:37,240
Speaker 3: hurdle moment?

1263
00:59:38,200 --> 00:59:39,640
Speaker 1: It's okay to put yourself first.

1264
00:59:40,280 --> 00:59:42,160
Speaker 3: I am so happy that we did this. Thank you

1265
00:59:42,240 --> 00:59:46,400
Speaker 3: so much for sharing, for opening up. How do the

1266
00:59:46,480 --> 00:59:48,720
Speaker 3: hurdlers keep up with you? How do they follow along

1267
00:59:48,760 --> 00:59:52,640
Speaker 3: with you? Give us all the details? Well, my Instagram

1268
00:59:52,680 --> 00:59:53,560
Speaker 3: is Uma Hydera.

1269
00:59:53,800 --> 00:59:55,960
Speaker 1: I'm very basic. All my socials are just my first

1270
00:59:56,000 --> 00:59:58,240
Speaker 1: and last name because no one else has my first

1271
00:59:58,240 --> 01:00:01,760
Speaker 1: and last name that I know, So yes, that's how

1272
01:00:01,800 --> 01:00:02,440
Speaker 1: do you follow me?

1273
01:00:02,560 --> 01:00:05,440
Speaker 3: Beautiful I'm over at Hurdle Podcast and at Emily a

1274
01:00:05,520 --> 01:00:09,160
Speaker 3: Body another hurdle conquered. Catch you guys next time.