Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central when it's that you mean
Speaker 1: to do with him. We long up in the Day Show.
Speaker 1: I am Chelsey Hammer, and tonight is night three of
Speaker 1: me hosting the Daily Show, and I wanted to try
Speaker 1: something different. So I'm sober, I'm open minded enough to
Speaker 1: try anything once. We have a lot of exciting developments tonight,
Speaker 1: so let's get right into the headlines. Let's kick things
Speaker 1: off with the news out of Congress today where Republicans
Speaker 1: held a hearing about how social media silences conservatives at
Speaker 1: least what that's what they were trying to prove. The
Speaker 1: problem is. Once Twitter executives started testifying, we found out
Speaker 1: that lots of complaints came from the big fat baby
Speaker 1: who used to be president. Earlier, you testified about a
Speaker 1: tweet um that was about President Trump, and I think
Speaker 1: it's from miss Tigan. What was the tweet about. Please
Speaker 1: excuse my language, this is a direct quote, but Chrissy
Speaker 1: Teagan referred to Donald Trump as a pussy as bitch.
Speaker 1: From my understanding, the White House reached out to ask
Speaker 1: that this tweet be removed. At that time, up to
Speaker 1: three insults were allowed, and so is our job to
Speaker 1: determine how many insults were included within that phrase. I
Speaker 1: love that Twitter had to decide whether pussy as bitch
Speaker 1: was one insult or it does beg the question is
Speaker 1: Donald Trump a pussy and an ass and a bitch
Speaker 1: or is he just a bitch with pussy ass qualities?
Speaker 1: I love when I have to get philosophical. Interesting that
Speaker 1: Trump doesn't like being called a pussy ass bitch when
Speaker 1: those are his three favorite things. Either way, asking Twitter
Speaker 1: to take down a mean tweet about you is really
Speaker 1: a pussy ass bitch move. But that's enough about the
Speaker 1: old president. Let's move on to the new president, who
Speaker 1: also is very old. Last night was the State of
Speaker 1: the Union, Washington, d C's biggest non orgy event of
Speaker 1: the year, and I'm gonna be honest, I have never
Speaker 1: watched the State of the Union before because I have
Speaker 1: a life, so I wasn't looking forward to it. But
Speaker 1: I'm glad I tuned in because it wasn't nearly as
Speaker 1: boring as I thought it would be. In fact, it's
Speaker 1: apparently got a bit of a UFC slash junior high
Speaker 1: cafeteria vibe. Now, even before the speech started, things started
Speaker 1: getting rowdy. There were some tense moments at last night,
Speaker 1: stayed to the Union address, Cameras captured a heated exchange
Speaker 1: between battled Congressman George Santos and Senator Mitt Romney. One
Speaker 1: lip reader posted this account of how the exchange went downs.
Speaker 1: I'm well embar you. You ought to be embarrassed, that's
Speaker 1: your I would like to go on the record tonight
Speaker 1: and say that I am sexually attracted to Mitt Romney.
Speaker 1: It's not the first time, and it won't be the
Speaker 1: last time. I don't even care that he's a Republican
Speaker 1: or a Mormon. In fact, since he's a Mormon, he'll
Speaker 1: be open to another wife, and if not, he's a Republican,
Speaker 1: so he'll be open to having an affairs. And yeah,
Speaker 1: what Rodney said doesn't sound too harsh, but remember it's
Speaker 1: Mitt Romney. You want to be embarrassed? Son is the
Speaker 1: Mormon equivalent of suck my friend, you pussy as bitch.
Speaker 1: And then when Biden actually started talking his Republican friends
Speaker 1: across the aisle, we're not having it. Entering a House
Speaker 1: chamber now run by Republicans, President Biden extending his hand
Speaker 1: to the news speaker Kevin McCarthy before confronting Republican heckling
Speaker 1: head on tangling over the fate of social Security and Medicare,
Speaker 1: the president taking aim and an idea floated by just
Speaker 1: a few Republicans instead of making a wealthy pay their
Speaker 1: fair share of some Republicans, some Republicans want Medicare and
Speaker 1: so security sunset. I'm not saying it's a majority of
Speaker 1: the comment drawing outrage and booze, including from GOP firebrand
Speaker 1: Marjorie Taylor Greenhand Republicans were acting like why old animals,
Speaker 1: and I liked it. Keep this up to you, guys,
Speaker 1: you finally made a State of the Union watchable. Marjorie
Speaker 1: Taylor Green stood up during this speech and screamed out liar,
Speaker 1: and then George Santos stood up and he's like, over here,
Speaker 1: what are we gonna do about Marjorie Taylor Green. I mean,
Speaker 1: she's like one of those dogs that needs a big
Speaker 1: backyard to run outside and expend all of her energy,
Speaker 1: but instead she's stuck living inside a one bedroom apartment
Speaker 1: slamming her head against the wall. When are they gonna
Speaker 1: put this woman on Real Housewives of Atlanta? And to
Speaker 1: be fair, MTG wasn't the only one dressed like a
Speaker 1: lunatic last night. Look at the outfit Kirsten Cinema chose
Speaker 1: to wear. She looks like she's going to a Kincinera
Speaker 1: as the pinata her last preh had some look at
Speaker 1: the State of the Union. We go to Roy Wood Jr.
Speaker 1: Who's in anything? Hi? Roy, you were at the State
Speaker 1: of the Union. What did you think of Biden's speech? Chelsea?
Speaker 1: It was amazing. I loved all the things the President said.
Speaker 1: Biden talked and he said some stuff, and he talked
Speaker 1: a little bit back to you. Wait wait, wait, wait,
Speaker 1: we just started like, what specifically did you like about
Speaker 1: the State of the Union. Oh, well, you know all
Speaker 1: of it. You know, like the part where he talked
Speaker 1: about the Union and the state it's in, uh, you know, Russia, healthcare.
Speaker 1: As he was talking, he says some stuff. But it
Speaker 1: sounds like he didn't actually watch the speech. An I
Speaker 1: didn't watch it. Okay, I didn't watch the State of
Speaker 1: the Union. I went to a bar to watch Lebron
Speaker 1: James break the all time score with the in the
Speaker 1: n b A. But where I was I was at
Speaker 1: a bar. Pardon me for wanting to see history. How
Speaker 1: do you expect me to pay attention to a boy
Speaker 1: and ask speech. I don't care about buying them can't
Speaker 1: even dunk? Well, first off, you don't know that he
Speaker 1: can't dunk, And second, I'm sorry the game interfered with
Speaker 1: your job. But they can't move the State of the Union.
Speaker 1: What do you mean they can't move the state of the
Speaker 1: the un It ain't Christmas. It's just an old dude
Speaker 1: talking to a bunch of other old dudes. That can
Speaker 1: happen at any time. Biden should either have moved the
Speaker 1: speech back a week or just done the speech at
Speaker 1: the game. He could have fit the whole thing in
Speaker 1: during the time out. Infrastructure good, gas prices low, police bad,
Speaker 1: but also good, build back better on three. You weren't
Speaker 1: to three. It's all he had to do. Well, Roy,
Speaker 1: I'm glad that you got to watch the Lakers win.
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, no, no, the Lakers loss. But in
Speaker 1: a way, isn't that a metaphor for America? In one way? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I was hoping you had something. But
Speaker 1: aren't you excited about this? You live in l A.
Speaker 1: You must be hyped that Lebron broke the record. Yeah, definitely,
Speaker 1: because now he has more points than the guy that
Speaker 1: had it before. And you know who that is, right,
Speaker 1: of course I do. He's the tall black guy. Okay,
Speaker 1: so you are saying that's right, all right. When we
Speaker 1: come back, we'll find out why I'm ruining society. So
Speaker 1: don't go away. Yeah, welcome back to the Daily Show.
Speaker 1: One thing that I have made abundantly clear is that
Speaker 1: I do not want children. I say it on stage,
Speaker 1: I say it in interviews. It's the first thing I
Speaker 1: say to myself in the mirror when I wake up
Speaker 1: each morning, right before I tell myself, God, you're a
Speaker 1: dynamic woman. Kids don't respect me, and quite frankly, the
Speaker 1: feeling is mutual. And the fact is there are millions
Speaker 1: of women just like me, but for some reason, every
Speaker 1: single one of us, at some point in our lives,
Speaker 1: is shamed by society for not wanting a baby. And
Speaker 1: that's what I want to talk about. In tonight's installment
Speaker 1: of Long Story Short in America and honestly everywhere, motherhood
Speaker 1: is treated as a woman's central purpose in life, as
Speaker 1: if our destiny is to let a tiny stranger rip
Speaker 1: a hole through our Pikachu from the inside out, and
Speaker 1: then as soon as we turn eighteen, we're just supposed
Speaker 1: to sit back and wait for Nick Cannon to impregnate us.
Speaker 1: And look, I have infinite respect for moms, but motherhood
Speaker 1: is hard. It's so hard it even broke Marie Condo
Speaker 1: tightening upwards her life's work. Then she has kids and
Speaker 1: was like, living in squalor is fine. So it really
Speaker 1: shouldn't be surprising that some women aren't signing up. But
Speaker 1: many people aren't, just surprised that they're horrified. Childless women
Speaker 1: are seen as unfulfilled, unhappy. Even the Pope has slammed us,
Speaker 1: saying that not having children is selfish. First of all,
Speaker 1: I am not going to take pro creation advice from
Speaker 1: a guy who's never even penetrated anyone, well, not that
Speaker 1: we know of, anyway. And what's crazy is that, for
Speaker 1: some reason, people feel entited, entitled to tell you what
Speaker 1: a horrible person you are right to your face. When
Speaker 1: people ask me do you have children and I say no,
Speaker 1: they always look at me then and say, oh, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: as if like there's something like physically wrong with me.
Speaker 1: And I've had people break down in tears to me
Speaker 1: about the fact that me not having children is bying
Speaker 1: them of something. I've gotten everything from your selfish for
Speaker 1: not wanting children. Your childhood must have been terrible if
Speaker 1: you don't want to have children, are you one of
Speaker 1: these career thirsty women that doesn't want children? And how
Speaker 1: could you deny your man the chance to have children?
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want to be with you. Yes, because men
Speaker 1: are so upset every time they're denied a chance to
Speaker 1: have a child. Watch an episode of Maury Povich to
Speaker 1: see how excited men get to find out that they
Speaker 1: are the father. And it's bad enough when people judge
Speaker 1: your life choices. But apparently childless women aren't just harming themselves,
Speaker 1: we're actually destroying society. You look, Kamala Harris AOC the
Speaker 1: entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children.
Speaker 1: And how does it make any sense that we've turned
Speaker 1: our country over to people who don't really have a
Speaker 1: direct stake in it. We're effectively run in this country
Speaker 1: via the Democrats, via via our corporate oligarchs, by a
Speaker 1: bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their
Speaker 1: own lives and the choices that they've made, and so
Speaker 1: they want to make the rest of the country miserable
Speaker 1: to it. Maybe if you two weren't such boner killers,
Speaker 1: women would want to have more children. I don't want
Speaker 1: to make the country miserable. I love this country. It's
Speaker 1: where all of my things are. And I've got news
Speaker 1: for everyone. Instead of shaming childless women for what we're
Speaker 1: doing to the country, you should be thanking us. We
Speaker 1: are safe eating society. We are more likely to give
Speaker 1: our money to charity. We have a lower carbon footprint,
Speaker 1: or the reason there are fewer screaming children on airplanes,
Speaker 1: in movie theaters and restaurants. And every baby we don't
Speaker 1: give birth to is one less baby that could grow
Speaker 1: up to be the next Elon Musk. And guess how
Speaker 1: many children he has nine? You better bring them all
Speaker 1: to Mars with you, buddy. Okay, and when are you
Speaker 1: going to Mars? Go already? But these Fox News trolls
Speaker 1: are right about one thing. I am miserable. In fact,
Speaker 1: I was just scrolling through my Instagram fee the other
Speaker 1: day realizing how miserable I am. I'm miserable on the beach,
Speaker 1: and then here I am miserable on the top of
Speaker 1: a mountain, and then here I am miserable. Scuba diving,
Speaker 1: and then I'm miserable again. Smoking a joint in a
Speaker 1: hot tub every day is truly a new circle of
Speaker 1: hell for me. The simple truth is that I'm not
Speaker 1: having a kid because I'm happier without them. And that's
Speaker 1: really not of anyone's concerned but my own. I know,
Speaker 1: I don't hate kids, I just don't want them. That's
Speaker 1: what's so great about nieces and nephews. I love being
Speaker 1: an aunt. I'm crushing that role. Guess who gave each
Speaker 1: one of them their first edible? This girl? But hey,
Speaker 1: what do I know. I'm just an unfulfilled, lonely, miserable
Speaker 1: waste of two ovaries. So if you want to know
Speaker 1: the real issues with not having children, you need to
Speaker 1: talk to your O, B, G Y N. Like I did.
Speaker 1: Take a look. Oh, I bet you have been around
Speaker 1: the world a couple of times. You're like a pussy
Speaker 1: go pro. Hi. Hi, great to meet you you too.
Speaker 1: So I'm just going over your chart here says you
Speaker 1: don't plan on having any children now it actually says
Speaker 1: quote never ever, not even if me and Chris Hemsworth
Speaker 1: were the last two humans on earth. All right, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean if he and I hooked up. It would
Speaker 1: probably just be a bunch of but play. Okay, Well, um,
Speaker 1: not having kids is a big decision, and you should
Speaker 1: know it's going to affect your body and your life
Speaker 1: in a major way. What kind of ways, dr Well,
Speaker 1: for starters, your body will never go through the trauma
Speaker 1: of childbirth. You'll have what the medical community calls beautiful,
Speaker 1: boisterous breasts and a very tight, tight, little little vagina.
Speaker 1: That's funny because I've been hearing a lot about that
Speaker 1: from different people that I've been having casual sex with,
Speaker 1: giving me different kinds of compliments, and I thought it
Speaker 1: was just dirty talk. No, no, no, that's that's a
Speaker 1: medical term. How much sleep do you get? I mean
Speaker 1: it varies anywhere from eight to sixteen hours a night,
Speaker 1: you know, depending on what I get up to. If
Speaker 1: I go to like one of Leo's sex parties, I'll
Speaker 1: be up really really late, and then I'll come home
Speaker 1: and I'll be starving, and then I'll have an entire
Speaker 1: pizza in my bed, and then I just finished myself
Speaker 1: off one more time and sleep like a baby. Is
Speaker 1: that normal? Perfectly normal for someone with your condition? Great,
Speaker 1: it's probably m hm. You have a great muscle tone.
Speaker 1: Thank you. It's probably because I have so much free
Speaker 1: time to work out after I'm sleeping. Um, are we
Speaker 1: doing anything that is going to require me to be
Speaker 1: in a hospital gown today? Yeah? Now, I know all
Speaker 1: this information can be really overwhelming, which is why I
Speaker 1: am going to prescribe some recreational drugs. Here's a sample
Speaker 1: for you to take home. Oh my god, I love pills.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Oh oh, and there's one more thing we
Speaker 1: should talk about. Ultrasound. Oh, I didn't think I was
Speaker 1: getting an ultrasound today. Ultrasound the music festival three days
Speaker 1: in the desert, Lizzo headlining, and I bet you can
Speaker 1: get there because why you don't have any kids at
Speaker 1: home to worry about. Oh my god, thank you. This
Speaker 1: is like the best doctor's appointment I've ever had. You
Speaker 1: are so welcome, and you know what, Literally nothing is
Speaker 1: going to go wrong for you. It was so nice
Speaker 1: to meet you. It was a pleasure to meet you too.
Speaker 1: Thank you. You're welcome. Oh. By the way, you do
Speaker 1: have gnarrhea. Thank thank hid. Because let may come back.
Speaker 1: I'll be joined by the undefeated super Featheruate champions in
Speaker 1: the daily show. My guts to it's a professional boxer
Speaker 1: who just became the undisputed super featherweight champion. Please welcome
Speaker 1: lay Von Gardner. Cool. Hey, oh my god, I'm so
Speaker 1: excited to meet you. You're such a badass. You are
Speaker 1: even though I need you to break down a little
Speaker 1: bit for me because I don't I'm not familiar with
Speaker 1: the term. So what does featherweight mean? So I'm super featherweight.
Speaker 1: So that's one thirty Okay, my fighting division that I
Speaker 1: became undisputed. Okay, I'm wanting Okay, I'm also I'm also
Speaker 1: one thirty, so I mean we're in the same weight
Speaker 1: class at least. But had you ever thought it that
Speaker 1: weight before? Yes, it's always been my weight class that
Speaker 1: I've dominated, um since I became world champion. And yeah,
Speaker 1: m so talk to me a little bit about, like,
Speaker 1: you know, the gender disparity in boxing, because obviously women,
Speaker 1: I mean, it is a new thing. You're hearing more
Speaker 1: and more about female boxers. But I would obviously guess
Speaker 1: that you've been around for a long time female boxers
Speaker 1: and they're just now getting some of the attention that
Speaker 1: they deserve. Yes, very long time. I think it's important
Speaker 1: that women are just stepping on the platform and making
Speaker 1: a name for themselves. Yeah, and you know, we are
Speaker 1: boxing as a male dominated sport, but I don't look
Speaker 1: at as a male dominator score. I look at it
Speaker 1: as a sport where I'm able to capitalize in and
Speaker 1: make a difference as a woman. And I'm truly blessed
Speaker 1: to be able to do that. And so what's your like,
Speaker 1: what is your training regiment? Like, I mean, what's your
Speaker 1: everyday situation? Break it down for me. Yeah, So with
Speaker 1: a camp, it's very, very hard, but it's all rewarding.
Speaker 1: So we get up for a five thirty run in
Speaker 1: the morning, a good three mile, and then we go
Speaker 1: to the gym. Depending on how many rounds were sparring,
Speaker 1: we can do eight rounds. Women fight two minutes ten
Speaker 1: rounds for championship fights, and then for a third workout
Speaker 1: we do a recovery. So that could be a swim,
Speaker 1: that could be stretching, um, yoga. But it's very it's
Speaker 1: very hard, but it's very rewarding and I was well
Speaker 1: prepared for that fight. Yeah. You it must take a
Speaker 1: lot of mental grid, right, Yeah, what are you thinking
Speaker 1: when you're beating the ship out of somebody in a
Speaker 1: boxing round. I'm like, I hope they feel that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So I have a question because I know there's a
Speaker 1: lot of these, like people who aren't really boxers, like influencers.
Speaker 1: Hate that word so much, influencers, It's so stupid. But
Speaker 1: like that are doing but you know that are having
Speaker 1: boxing fights, like big promotional boxing fights like Logan Paul,
Speaker 1: I know is one of them. What are your thoughts
Speaker 1: on that? You know? My thoughts are boxing is an
Speaker 1: entertainment sport, right, so when you're stepping into this sport,
Speaker 1: it's fun, but it's also serious that you have to
Speaker 1: go in there with a mind that people are risking
Speaker 1: their lives. So it's all fun in games, but you
Speaker 1: have to be a professional when you step in there.
Speaker 1: So I get it. But at the same time, we
Speaker 1: have to respect the sport and respect who you are
Speaker 1: when you're stepping into that ring and who you're fighting
Speaker 1: as well. Yeah, and what is can I ask you
Speaker 1: what you did? Well? How do you celebrate after you
Speaker 1: win a boxing match like you did at Madison Square
Speaker 1: Garden this past weekend? You know, honestly, this time my
Speaker 1: whole family got to come. I fought in London the
Speaker 1: last three fights. So my whole family was there. We
Speaker 1: got to celebrate and just really just mingle and just
Speaker 1: catch up. So that was my celebration. What do you
Speaker 1: have alcohol? Like? Ian get to details like are you
Speaker 1: are you? What are you into? What? How do you? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Do you drink? Yeah? I do? And yeah, okay, I
Speaker 1: have a drink. A Moscow Mules my go to. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: like a Moscow mule, though we have to change that
Speaker 1: name now with the war, we need to call it
Speaker 1: something else. You know. I like that drink too, but
Speaker 1: I don't like ordering a Moscow mule, but I would
Speaker 1: like to share a Moscow moving with you, all right? Yeah? Um,
Speaker 1: the congratulations on everything. Thank you so much for coming
Speaker 1: and sitting down with us, and I wish you the
Speaker 1: best of luck. Thank you so not that you'll need it.
Speaker 1: Alicia vom Garden everyone, Okay, it's my crank. It will
Speaker 1: be right back after day. How's that show? Okay? Explore
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Speaker 1: and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount cloves. This has
Speaker 1: been a Comedy Central podcast.