Speaker 1: The Nicky Laser Podcast. Nicky, Hello here I am. It's
Speaker 1: the Nicki Lazer Podcast. Welcome to the show. I'm Nicki Lazer.
Speaker 1: I'm in Los Angeles still. Andrew Colin is holding down
Speaker 1: my fort in St. Louis. He's in my apartment alone.
Speaker 1: How's it going in there? Everything smells good here Nick
Speaker 1: and Noah is of course in Arizona. Um, how are
Speaker 1: you guys doing today? What's the vibe? I'm a vampire?
Speaker 1: What do you mean? How pale I look? I look
Speaker 1: so orange. I really wouldn't have you on the Sally
Speaker 1: Hanson Today. Like, I just yeah, I just saw some
Speaker 1: pictures yesterday in like footage where I just did not
Speaker 1: look as tan as I wanted to be. It really does.
Speaker 1: It just does something for my too. It makes me
Speaker 1: feel amazing to be a bronze goddess. It just changes
Speaker 1: everything for me. It's not worth it to me to
Speaker 1: not stain everything that I said. I said. I just
Speaker 1: I just did. Literally, this is my seventh hour of
Speaker 1: talking today, and this is a seventh hour of the
Speaker 1: Today Show. And I sat on for the last thing
Speaker 1: I did. I was sweating so much because I think
Speaker 1: I was revealing too much. It was like a show
Speaker 1: about d m s and just about like who have
Speaker 1: you d M? Who's dm D with celebrities And I
Speaker 1: was tired and like hungry, and I just gave them
Speaker 1: what they wanted and I said things I probably I
Speaker 1: probably shared things I shouldn't have. And I was sweating
Speaker 1: so much, and I got up from my seat. It
Speaker 1: was on a white couch, and I left behind a
Speaker 1: significant print, and you could tell they were all like
Speaker 1: what the fought Like they weren't okay about like I'm
Speaker 1: so used to leaving orange everywhere and people being like,
Speaker 1: oh it's okay, we'll just working dry clean it or
Speaker 1: you know, shout wipes and stuff. But um, they seemed
Speaker 1: to be actually mystified. And I said, well, it's because
Speaker 1: you guys made me sweat. I was like nervous because
Speaker 1: I'm talking about I'm no one's going to ever DM
Speaker 1: me again because they don't feel like their privacy can
Speaker 1: be trusted. It looked like a dead body, Like what
Speaker 1: was the outline? Just how much? Yeah? No, it's's just
Speaker 1: like it's just looks like an orange apparition, like like
Speaker 1: the markings of like a ghost are left beyond. I'm
Speaker 1: very into ghosts right now and like the you know,
Speaker 1: ever since watching Tyler Henry, I'm so I finished the
Speaker 1: show like ten episodes last night. I love it so much.
Speaker 1: So it looked like yeah, it was just looked like
Speaker 1: there was a very tan like it was the ghost
Speaker 1: of who's that one really tan guy that I think
Speaker 1: he used to Clark? Yeah, yeah, oh no, it's another guy,
Speaker 1: Tom Jones. Tom Jones is very orange. It's a good
Speaker 1: but it's a different guy. I know, not that either
Speaker 1: he's not dead, doesn't well, well he could be, but
Speaker 1: he can looks so good. He looks alive. I saw
Speaker 1: a video of a wrapper that died who got shot
Speaker 1: to death. He was twenty four and they they put
Speaker 1: him in a club and they just erected his body
Speaker 1: where he was just standing there in the corner. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but like like dad, dad, like, it's that's what the
Speaker 1: United States died. Just put me on a putting green
Speaker 1: and yeah, well that's how you probably die. We can
Speaker 1: just leave you there. Yeah, I comply where you found me.
Speaker 1: Do have a party around my dead? Do you ever
Speaker 1: get scared of getting hit by lightning? Isn't that what
Speaker 1: happens to like golfers a lot. I'm the shortest out there.
Speaker 1: Probably fine. I think I don't know my hairy fucking
Speaker 1: body and my fat nipples. I'll be fine. I could
Speaker 1: take on a strike. I think you just at the age.
Speaker 1: And I just posted Emil is doing Emil Wachim is
Speaker 1: doing the Tonight show tonight. He's on fallon um or
Speaker 1: it was last night. This is going out on Wednesday,
Speaker 1: but at Tuesday night and um. I was also twenty
Speaker 1: four when I did my first Tonight show and I
Speaker 1: just posted a picture of what I looked like on
Speaker 1: my first to night show. It is so wild how
Speaker 1: I look like I'm wearing a fat suit. And that
Speaker 1: is not like to be offensive to anyone. It looks
Speaker 1: like I'm wearing it looks like I'm trapped inside and
Speaker 1: I was trapped in my body like I just was
Speaker 1: so miserable then. But I just can't believe I went
Speaker 1: on TV looking like that and no one was like,
Speaker 1: and it's not about the weight, I want to be
Speaker 1: very clear, but that my hair just looks like greasy,
Speaker 1: I'm pale, like I just didn't know what the funk
Speaker 1: I was doing with anything. When I was twenty four
Speaker 1: and it's just stylist back then, or like any kind
Speaker 1: of team entourage. No, I had no idea. It was
Speaker 1: my first time ever getting a car service, which is
Speaker 1: I know it sounds like bougie, but like that is
Speaker 1: ubiquitous in my life now, like just get getting in
Speaker 1: cars that have been that's just like what I do.
Speaker 1: And I remember the first turn what do you mean,
Speaker 1: oh god for my dumps? Question? Did Leno before Conan
Speaker 1: left like the original Leno? Yeah? And it was January nine?
Speaker 1: Did and didn't you get it? Like a day before
Speaker 1: when happened the day of dat? I got a meals
Speaker 1: known for seven months. I know a meal has been
Speaker 1: that's because he's been He's known about his actual date
Speaker 1: of doing it for probably like a couple of weeks now,
Speaker 1: and so he's been like, oh, it's coming up. And
Speaker 1: I mean I knew. I knew the morning of I've
Speaker 1: got woken up. I call at eleven am and um,
Speaker 1: but I had already had my They had proved my set,
Speaker 1: which is like they say, you you do your set
Speaker 1: a bunch of times for the bookers, and then they
Speaker 1: eventually go fix this, tweak this, and then you eventually
Speaker 1: give him one and they go, that's it, and I
Speaker 1: I got I got the set there, like, that's the set.
Speaker 1: We're so excited. And then I waited and I told
Speaker 1: my family, I told my friends, like my parents told
Speaker 1: everyone they knew. And I was, you know, struggling in
Speaker 1: l A. Didn't have a job. I was constantly overdrafting
Speaker 1: my account. My mom was putting in money just to
Speaker 1: bail me out, and they were running at them. It
Speaker 1: was just like a bad situation. But then I got
Speaker 1: the Tonight Show and it was like, oh, everything's looking up.
Speaker 1: And I still was like not making money, but at
Speaker 1: least the Tonight Show. And then two years passed and
Speaker 1: I was not booked, so I gave up. And then
Speaker 1: that one January seven nine, I woke up to a
Speaker 1: call from the Tonight Show saying that we had to
Speaker 1: drop out. Are you able to do it tonight? And
Speaker 1: I didn't remember the set that I had given them
Speaker 1: initially to go do on the show because it had
Speaker 1: been so long. But I had it on a DVD
Speaker 1: because at that time the club that I did it
Speaker 1: at gave me a DVD of that set, and I
Speaker 1: thought I'd never forget it. But you know, two years
Speaker 1: passes and I totally didn't remember it, but I, um,
Speaker 1: I woke up that day, I couldn't find the DVD.
Speaker 1: I just ran to go get my hair done because
Speaker 1: I just thought, like, that's what you need to do.
Speaker 1: You need to dye your hair. So I went and
Speaker 1: got my hair like colored and highlighted, even though it
Speaker 1: looks brown. I don't even know what I was thinking.
Speaker 1: I should have gotten it, like I should have just
Speaker 1: gone and gotten a ray tan. That would have been
Speaker 1: so much better for me. But I went to Urban
Speaker 1: Outfitters and I remember telling the girl like I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be on the tonight SHOWE and kind of being like
Speaker 1: koy about it, but also being like it's so cool,
Speaker 1: you know, And I remember she was just like okay, um,
Speaker 1: I mean I don't know. I was like, you're not
Speaker 1: You're not impressed by that at all, like at all.
Speaker 1: Like I just remember being like, oh, she doesn't think
Speaker 1: that's cool, and she you should. You should just go
Speaker 1: look Instagram. It's like I have these black boots and
Speaker 1: a black like, um, I guess, uh just band do
Speaker 1: like like uh, I don't even know what's called. What's
Speaker 1: it called? When it doesn't a sleeveless stress not sleeveless,
Speaker 1: but it's like a like a it doesn't have any
Speaker 1: top to it. Look I think, yeah, bando, uh like
Speaker 1: shimmery black bando. And it was just I'm wearing stockings too,
Speaker 1: like who wears stockings? I didn't know what the funk
Speaker 1: I was doing. I really didn't know. I didn't. I
Speaker 1: think I got my hair and makeup done in like
Speaker 1: two seconds in the chair there Now it would be
Speaker 1: like two hours and I'd get there before. It was
Speaker 1: just it's so funny just to do your set. Did
Speaker 1: what who else was on the show? And what did
Speaker 1: Jay talk to you afterwards? Was there anything? Like? Well,
Speaker 1: I didn't know what the set was. So I get
Speaker 1: home at so I the car services picking me up
Speaker 1: at like let's say four o'clock and the show's tapes
Speaker 1: at five. And I get home. I pulled into my driveway,
Speaker 1: I see this black car up front, being like, wait
Speaker 1: is that? So I get in that? And so I
Speaker 1: was like just one second, I'm like telling the driver
Speaker 1: like wait one second. I grabbed my roommates laptop because
Speaker 1: I didn't have one. I couldn't afford it, and I
Speaker 1: go searching through all the DVDs. We had to find
Speaker 1: that one set, and I finally found it was like
Speaker 1: a mirror. I could not believe. I found this set
Speaker 1: and I put I watched it on the way to
Speaker 1: the set in the back of this car, and I studied.
Speaker 1: I just like memorized the set I did that night
Speaker 1: that they approved. And then as soon as I got
Speaker 1: on the lot, I opened the door and Bob and
Speaker 1: Ross were there, the bookers, and they were like, what's
Speaker 1: the set? We don't remember it? What is it? And
Speaker 1: I just ran it off and they were like, that's great,
Speaker 1: That's what we knew. We probably but at that point
Speaker 1: would have they would have been like, what what is that?
Speaker 1: Like it was two years later. I mean it was
Speaker 1: significantly amount of a significant amount of time. I did
Speaker 1: a rape joke, which I couldn't do on any network nowadays,
Speaker 1: I don't think, let alone NBC and Rain Wilson and
Speaker 1: who was staying for the other guest and Paul Abduel
Speaker 1: was the one that I was filling in for. I
Speaker 1: was a second guest, which comedians are never the second
Speaker 1: guest ever. And yeah, before the set, I was just
Speaker 1: like shown my like spot to go, like to stand
Speaker 1: my parents weren't there obviously, Like my parents would have
Speaker 1: been there had I known about it, like they would
Speaker 1: have flown in. My friends would have been there. My
Speaker 1: only friend there was Jen Murphy at the time. She
Speaker 1: lived down the streets, so she was able to go.
Speaker 1: My roommate Lisa, she was on the NBC lot. She
Speaker 1: worked as um an assistant for someone in the lit department,
Speaker 1: and so she was able to go. But um, I
Speaker 1: just they so when I when they showed me my
Speaker 1: spot where to stand when they pulled back the curtain
Speaker 1: um before the show started, Jay was out there doing
Speaker 1: something and he walked over and was like, hey, so
Speaker 1: we're excited to have you on this show, and like,
Speaker 1: you know what, just like kill it, like just do
Speaker 1: whatever you want, Like okay, they're going to tell you
Speaker 1: to wrap it up. It just like have fun. And
Speaker 1: he encouraged me, like do what you want. It was
Speaker 1: very nice and so, um, I found out later like
Speaker 1: the booker's got in trouble because I went too long
Speaker 1: because I was kind of following Jay's advice and I
Speaker 1: killed like I had the best, one of the best.
Speaker 1: I always have the best sets doing Tonight shows. But
Speaker 1: it was a um, probably like thirty seconds to a minute,
Speaker 1: which is everything, and in late night. But I walked
Speaker 1: over to the couch and Um, the funniest part was
Speaker 1: I walked over and Rain Wilson was there being interviewed
Speaker 1: before me, so he was still on the couch and
Speaker 1: I walked over and he got up and was like
Speaker 1: a great job. And I was like, thanks, Dwight, and
Speaker 1: I said Dwight very loudly, and that's obviously his character's
Speaker 1: name on the office. And I didn't catch it until
Speaker 1: I watched it later and I was like, oh God,
Speaker 1: and then um and then yeah, I was just like
Speaker 1: sitting there, no God, I was just flabbergasted and just
Speaker 1: said wrong, just that this characters me. It was so embarrassing.
Speaker 1: And I remember my ex boy my boyfriend at the time,
Speaker 1: like I didn't say anything when it aired, like I
Speaker 1: was just so hurt by him not watching it. I
Speaker 1: remember later that night he was like all he said
Speaker 1: was something like Rain Wilson isn't funny or something like that,
Speaker 1: like it was just something about the show but not
Speaker 1: about me, And I was like it was just so hurtful.
Speaker 1: I remember that TV like just he was not capable
Speaker 1: of like being loving and like doing it just wasn't
Speaker 1: capable of it. And I just remember, I'm so sad
Speaker 1: for like the girl that I was like being so
Speaker 1: sad that night, because it's when something like that happens,
Speaker 1: where like the person you care about lets you down
Speaker 1: in that way so severely, where it's like there's just
Speaker 1: no excuse for not saying something nice. You know, I
Speaker 1: just you just know this isn't gonna work. It maybe
Speaker 1: isn't got gonna end now, but this is it's over.
Speaker 1: At some point, it's going to be over. And you know,
Speaker 1: little did I know it was going to be like
Speaker 1: a year and a half later, But at that moment,
Speaker 1: it was just like you just know, I know, um
Speaker 1: keep doing this to me what succeeding? It is important
Speaker 1: that the person in your life like that. It is
Speaker 1: important to me that people say nice things about stuff
Speaker 1: and not try to act too cool for it or
Speaker 1: like they're not impressed, like I really need that. I
Speaker 1: you know, I I just feel like it's just I
Speaker 1: don't know, I get really sad when like I don't know,
Speaker 1: it's it's kind of a glazer trait to like my
Speaker 1: family gets has such expectations for people being complimentary and
Speaker 1: thankful and like mostly complimentary accolades. It's my dad's favorite word.
Speaker 1: They didn't give you enough accolades? Why are they there's
Speaker 1: I want them to like talk about your accolades. Like
Speaker 1: they get really upset when family members or friends aren't
Speaker 1: like'll They'll even be like, wasn't Nicky great on that thing?
Speaker 1: They'll like kind of set someone up, and if you
Speaker 1: don't deliver, they're like almost like you're dead to them.
Speaker 1: And I'm always like, people are jealous, dad, and that's
Speaker 1: not me being like, you know, they want to be us.
Speaker 1: They're just their lives aren't going well. And it's really hard,
Speaker 1: especially sometimes for me to celebrate other people when my
Speaker 1: life is not going well. And it's it's literally impossible
Speaker 1: to be enthusiastic about someone and so it's not really
Speaker 1: you don't need to see it. So personally, I think
Speaker 1: some people see it as a weakness to be very
Speaker 1: congratulated congratulatory of people. You think that, oh, enthusiasm is
Speaker 1: like being a pussy or something. Yeah, yeah, and it's
Speaker 1: just I don't know, and it's like, well, because that
Speaker 1: gets rewarded, you know, like being too cool for school,
Speaker 1: if you don't. If you don't, if someone gets off
Speaker 1: stage and you're like, dude, that was fucking awesome, man,
Speaker 1: Like I love that joke. Like I was laughing so hard.
Speaker 1: They'll be like, what a fucking dude, I can't. The
Speaker 1: kids are never gonna be on my level, you know,
Speaker 1: And it's like, no, dude, just take it in. Your
Speaker 1: mom was so nice after the other night. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: sure that they were very complimentary about you and and
Speaker 1: David Spade because they know that that stuff matters, like
Speaker 1: my parents, and I like to say that I give
Speaker 1: as much as I expect to. Because I was just
Speaker 1: talking about this doing this press, Like I remember Chris
Speaker 1: Rock getting off stage one time before me at the
Speaker 1: Comedy Cellar, and I was thinking insert slap joke here.
Speaker 1: I was thinking, I, he doesn't need me to say
Speaker 1: good set. But when you were following a comedian they're
Speaker 1: walking off and you're walking on, you always say good set,
Speaker 1: especially if it was a good set. And Chris Rock
Speaker 1: had a good set, like you know, crazy that that happened.
Speaker 1: But and I just remember being like, I can't say
Speaker 1: good set to Chris Rock. He knows it's a good set.
Speaker 1: But then I remembered, oh my god, there's no amount
Speaker 1: of like good I'll ever be where I won't want
Speaker 1: to hear that, Like, no amount of success will never
Speaker 1: will not make me want the approval of my peers.
Speaker 1: And I'm you know, so I just remember him looking
Speaker 1: at me being like thank you. Yeah. The other thing, too,
Speaker 1: is expecting someone to congratulate you in the way that
Speaker 1: you want it, and then if you don't get that,
Speaker 1: then being disappointed in them, but then also being like, no,
Speaker 1: you're they don't. Maybe they just don't know what the
Speaker 1: right way to congratulate you, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Does that make like like I got off stage that
Speaker 1: other night whatever to Spade night and Brennan was like,
Speaker 1: that was really good, babe. They were like a like
Speaker 1: a quiet audience and yeah, and like she so didn't
Speaker 1: mean to be like me, She's just being honest and
Speaker 1: was just like, yeah, they were like still walking it
Speaker 1: like they were just like they laughed quiet, and I
Speaker 1: was like, I thought it was hilarious, but yes, you know,
Speaker 1: It's just funny how people like can also like think
Speaker 1: you're did amazing while also like saying the wrong thing
Speaker 1: or like just not say exactly what you want to hear. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I can to ask for what I want now, as
Speaker 1: embarrassing as that is, like, especially in a relationship like
Speaker 1: telling it was really embarrassing for me to like tell
Speaker 1: Chris like I need you to watch things and to
Speaker 1: be like, wow, you were great on that, Like I
Speaker 1: need you to do that. Like I today sent Chris
Speaker 1: my schedule, Like my assistant Jen sent me my entire
Speaker 1: like morning schedule of like and it was It's insane.
Speaker 1: It was from six am until right now. It was
Speaker 1: just I was doing a million different things and meetings
Speaker 1: and and I just looked at it this morning and
Speaker 1: I was like, someone needs to bear witness to this
Speaker 1: besides me, Like I just need someone to go like
Speaker 1: I see you. I know Jens sees it, like Jen
Speaker 1: is like Jesus Christ, what are they doing to you?
Speaker 1: But I need and I asked for this, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I'm trying to get people to watch my show
Speaker 1: and I'm doing what I can to do it. And
Speaker 1: I'm grateful that I even have the opportunities. A lot
Speaker 1: of networks that I've had shows on don't even promote
Speaker 1: my show and don't even give me the opportunity to
Speaker 1: promote it, and so I just feel like I have
Speaker 1: to take all these opportunities that I've been given. But um,
Speaker 1: I sent my I sent my schedule to Chris to
Speaker 1: be like can you just see this and just go
Speaker 1: like wow. It's the same way I feel about gang
Speaker 1: bangs that I've always said, like I never understand why
Speaker 1: they're all like fuck you, bitch, you fucking whore. I'm like,
Speaker 1: can some one person just go she is doing so much?
Speaker 1: I just want people acknowledge like how much things are
Speaker 1: sometimes because I'm always convinced that I'm not working hard
Speaker 1: enough and it's never enough, Like to me, I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: so I all I did was talk all day and
Speaker 1: like sit in a chair and put my have my
Speaker 1: makeup put on, and like sit on a zoom call
Speaker 1: and have people who are writing jokes for me like
Speaker 1: get approved. Like to complain about that so stupid, But
Speaker 1: it was just nice to have him look at it
Speaker 1: and go, yeah, that's a lot. Just validate you. It
Speaker 1: would be funny though, if you were like is this
Speaker 1: enough and he's like, yeah, you're stupid, whore. You You've
Speaker 1: got nine interviews you dump, You're like, okay, this is
Speaker 1: this is better. I do feel like my career is
Speaker 1: a gangbang. That's what I always say, is like why
Speaker 1: do I like gangbangs? And it's because I feel like
Speaker 1: the girl in them is multitasking so hard and like
Speaker 1: just is able to take on so much. And I
Speaker 1: realized that, like I, I'm my career is a gang bang.
Speaker 1: Like I have so many different you know, there are
Speaker 1: some different shows. Yeah, I guess calming in a way
Speaker 1: of like doing fifteen different things where you can't focus
Speaker 1: on one thing so much that I will, like, uh,
Speaker 1: make you so insecure and so nervous because you're doing
Speaker 1: so many things? Now, does that mean that the other things?
Speaker 1: If you're doing so much, are you not giving an
Speaker 1: A to everything? That's where I get scared? Or is
Speaker 1: it more interesting to give a B to fifteen things
Speaker 1: rather than maybe an A or maybe an F because
Speaker 1: you're putting so much on one thing, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. It's it's it's that's what I'm constantly trying
Speaker 1: to juggle. Is like if I am I starching myself
Speaker 1: too thin, and then I'm I know when I'm about
Speaker 1: to lose it and I'm not being funny anymore. And
Speaker 1: that hasn't happened yet, So I'm because I, you know,
Speaker 1: prioritized not doing stand up at night and like just
Speaker 1: going to bed earlier than I want to just so
Speaker 1: I can make it all work. But yeah, like I'm
Speaker 1: doing Kelly Clarkson tomorrow, and I'll talk about that in
Speaker 1: a second after we take this quick break. And I'm here,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm here here. So I'm doing Kelly Clarkson tomorrow,
Speaker 1: and it's a second time I'm doing it, and fairly
Speaker 1: short about a time. I think I did it the
Speaker 1: first time. Yeah, with machine gun Kelly with a medisine
Speaker 1: Square medicine. Well, I thought it was going to be
Speaker 1: MS tonight. I know I'm doing it tomorrow, Kelly Clark said.
Speaker 1: And I think usually before one of these appearances where
Speaker 1: it's like a big deal, I would I would overthink it.
Speaker 1: And there is something nice about having so many things
Speaker 1: that I'm just going into it like it's just another thing.
Speaker 1: And and when I'm working this hard, I'm great because
Speaker 1: I'm getting so many reps in, Like I'm good at
Speaker 1: doing press. Right now, I'm who else is on the show.
Speaker 1: I don't know yet? Um oh, actually do know, Dr
Speaker 1: Phil And we're also doing like it's gonna air during
Speaker 1: the Kentucky Derby, So we're gonna wear like Kentucky Derby
Speaker 1: hats and like have a segment where we're doing some
Speaker 1: kind of like I think I'm gonna ask Dr Phil
Speaker 1: for some advice. I'm going to show a clip um
Speaker 1: where I peete in the ocean when I was in Cabo,
Speaker 1: and I was talking about like don't fake like you're
Speaker 1: like looking at the sunset just like squat and pea
Speaker 1: and get its on. So there's gonna be a little
Speaker 1: like fun elements and Kelly is just like so real
Speaker 1: and nice and um, I had a good time the
Speaker 1: last time, and I'm excited to like wear something. Last
Speaker 1: time I tried to style myself and it was a
Speaker 1: big fail. So I'm excited to wear if you if
Speaker 1: you dress like the what was that girl that got
Speaker 1: so famous off of Dr Phil? Oh that catched me outside?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I think it's like, yeah Derby and
Speaker 1: she really did turn that into like she did. Oh
Speaker 1: do you know how famous she's like insanely famous right
Speaker 1: now even yeah, even right now. It's so funny how
Speaker 1: famous people can be. And I have no idea of
Speaker 1: anything they're doing. Yeah, I just I don't. I don't know. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I was talking about that, like on that that d
Speaker 1: M thing. Oh oh no, there's like bad Bunny you know.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Well the d M show I was talking about.
Speaker 1: They were like asking me like would you It was
Speaker 1: called like slide or scroll, like when I slide into
Speaker 1: their d M s or when I keep scrolling, And
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know any of these people
Speaker 1: you're presenting, and it made me realize there have been
Speaker 1: times that people slide. There's someone recently that slid into
Speaker 1: my d M S And I go, Andrew, who is
Speaker 1: this guy? Because I he was in pictures with like
Speaker 1: some like m m A guys and like some like
Speaker 1: Logan Polish people, and I was like, um, his name
Speaker 1: is Jeff. He just goes at Jeff. Yeah, I'm doing
Speaker 1: his podcast. He's hilarious and like he just like he
Speaker 1: watched my roast and was like, dude, you're killing us
Speaker 1: right now. Like you tell he's just like Stone with
Speaker 1: a bunch of his friends, Like I should have this
Speaker 1: girl on my podcast. She's gonna roast me, dude, And
Speaker 1: so he d M me being like you gotta do
Speaker 1: my podcast. So I'm gonna do his podcast. It's called
Speaker 1: um Jeff FM, like f f M, and so I'm
Speaker 1: going to do that. But uh, he had so many followers,
Speaker 1: and I go, who the hell is like is this?
Speaker 1: It's just there's so many famous people. He's a David
Speaker 1: uh guy. David Dober hid him with like a they
Speaker 1: did some kind of stunt and he got really hurt.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'll do my research before I go
Speaker 1: on the other day, I go. He texted me and
Speaker 1: I was like, what is what do you do? I
Speaker 1: literally go, what is your podcast that I agreed to?
Speaker 1: What is your I don't even know his last name
Speaker 1: still Jeff. Yeah, these guys can have like thirty million
Speaker 1: followers and you're like, who who How what's the average
Speaker 1: age of the follower of these people? I kind of
Speaker 1: want to know sometimes Yeah I don't know. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't know. But and they all care about like their relationships.
Speaker 1: They're like, can you believe fucking Chester's with fucking Valerie.
Speaker 1: I'm just a little bit too. They don't even do anything. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm just I I really do kind of regret not
Speaker 1: being of like the YouTube birch and ration of like fault,
Speaker 1: like having crushes on guys that had little YouTube shows
Speaker 1: like these girls like love these guys that like we're
Speaker 1: actually attainable because their YouTubers and you know, we're living
Speaker 1: in the Midwest or can't like you know, I just
Speaker 1: I think there's something cube Mr Beast. No, so he's
Speaker 1: the biggest person on YouTube, Like he was on Rogan
Speaker 1: not too long ago, and he did a Squid Games reenactment.
Speaker 1: Maybe you heard it about that he did on YouTube,
Speaker 1: like almost like just as good as squid Games. Like
Speaker 1: he he puts millions of dollars backs back into his videos,
Speaker 1: like their whole thing is like he really gets back.
Speaker 1: They don't. Well, he takes the money he makes from
Speaker 1: his videos and he puts it back into the production.
Speaker 1: Oh whoa like a production like a business. But he
Speaker 1: drives a shitty card, niggie. My point is all these
Speaker 1: people want they don't want to be on TV. They
Speaker 1: just want to be big on you. Yes, they of
Speaker 1: course they want to be on TV. We all want to.
Speaker 1: Don't think they do. I don't think they do. Well.
Speaker 1: I know I will say that I had my first
Speaker 1: TV show when YouTube stars were first starting to be
Speaker 1: like bigger than TV stars, And I remember there was
Speaker 1: a big push to like, we gotta have YouTubers on
Speaker 1: like because then we'll get the YouTubers to watch MTV,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't work that way. They don't translate to TV.
Speaker 1: Don't you think it's different? Do I mean talents? Talent?
Speaker 1: But I will say that, like, it's just a different Honestly,
Speaker 1: more people watch YouTube, there's no denying that than like
Speaker 1: TV a lot of times. But there is still there's
Speaker 1: you know, there's not Emmy's for youtubes. There just aren't yet. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess what were they called. There are some kind
Speaker 1: of award for you the tubes. I know that's another platform,
Speaker 1: but yeah, there's the squid game that has been watched
Speaker 1: by more subscribers and Netflix has you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: just kind of puts it in perspective. Nor mcd donald
Speaker 1: did that YouTube award. You haven't seen that? That is
Speaker 1: so funny. That guy on there that is the co
Speaker 1: host one of the most cringe e dudes I've ever heard.
Speaker 1: And I feel really bad for him because he was
Speaker 1: just trying to go toe to toe with someone like
Speaker 1: Norm McDonald, which is just just don't even try. Don't
Speaker 1: don't try. Don't be doing the you know, I break
Speaker 1: the audience's leg. Just let it be natural, Like, don't
Speaker 1: try to make jokes back at him. I mean, what
Speaker 1: do you do there? Do you just do? You just
Speaker 1: shut up? You just laugh? You do what? What's his
Speaker 1: name does? Adam? Um? Norm's old like co host and
Speaker 1: you just set him up? You know your place. When
Speaker 1: I am with David Spade, I am not trying to
Speaker 1: be the quirky, equippy one. Like it's okay to take
Speaker 1: a back seat sometimes even if you are known for
Speaker 1: being funny, like I don't know. I mean, you can go,
Speaker 1: you can, you can have fun, but like to try
Speaker 1: to like Rose, this guy was trying to roast so yes,
Speaker 1: I know, it was so comfortable. It's giving. It's making
Speaker 1: me like, it's just making me twist in my own
Speaker 1: there he's in like a shitty hoodie. He doesn't give
Speaker 1: a fuck. And this guy has on like glasses that
Speaker 1: are probably not even prescription, like in a tuxedo like
Speaker 1: he just I mean it made a great television though,
Speaker 1: seeing the opposites. But yeah, years later watch it and
Speaker 1: Jenny Slate is on it today. I was having that
Speaker 1: kind of moment. I'm doing these shows every day if
Speaker 1: you want to tune in UM Daily Pop and Nightly
Speaker 1: Pop on E and Daily Pop is live and the
Speaker 1: Nightly Pop is not live, but today live on Daily Pop.
Speaker 1: They were talking about just keep hearing this in the
Speaker 1: instinct voice, I can Daily Pop. Nikki went to l A.
Speaker 1: She's doing press for six hours a day. She don't
Speaker 1: know why she agreed to it, because she's she's kind
Speaker 1: of built that way. She's going on TV and talking
Speaker 1: about celebrities, a lot of them she doesn't know, and
Speaker 1: the other one she just nods along. Doesn't matter if
Speaker 1: Nicky wears Tan Tanner or she's pale, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: We never talked about that song, but we sing that
Speaker 1: song all the time. Once it's in your head, you
Speaker 1: can't stop. But we were obsessed with it in high school,
Speaker 1: Kristen and all my friends and I and we used
Speaker 1: to go, it's the song if you don't know his
Speaker 1: dirty pop, and I recommend everyone listening to it because
Speaker 1: at the very end he goes dirty pop and it's
Speaker 1: like pop and it's like think but the dirty, dirty pop.
Speaker 1: Kirsten did this one thing one time when she called
Speaker 1: me and she was like, I remember I was going
Speaker 1: out of town to like France with my parents, and
Speaker 1: I was going for like ten days, and she was like,
Speaker 1: here's a dirty for every day You're gone dirty dirty, dirty,
Speaker 1: dirty dirty, dirty dirt dirty pop. So it's so funny,
Speaker 1: just good. So I always think of, like, here's a
Speaker 1: dirty for every time. And we were talking about Gigi
Speaker 1: Hadid and like they were like, there's a new skincare
Speaker 1: regiment that gig is the face of putting your face
Speaker 1: in a bowl of ice water. And I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a good way to get down the swelling after
Speaker 1: you've had many surgeries that you're not being honest about.
Speaker 1: And it was just kind of like it was just
Speaker 1: like we're not gonna talk. And I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: are we not allowed to like call like he is
Speaker 1: supposed to celebrate celebrities And I understand that, but and
Speaker 1: I'm not judging her by doing that. What I'm judging
Speaker 1: is like not being honest about it, and um, like
Speaker 1: I'm not going to just buy that Gigi Hadid like
Speaker 1: that's her secret is dumping her face and a thing
Speaker 1: of ice water. That does not make your You're and
Speaker 1: a doctor a little Doctor Daily Pop. Let's get to
Speaker 1: the new pop heard it here? First, It's Wednesday, Wednesday
Speaker 1: when dr sounds like a off bread of Dr Pepper
Speaker 1: from like Sam's Club D. So it's Wednesday, folks, you
Speaker 1: know what that means. It's Wednesday, day after Tuesday, first
Speaker 1: day before Thursday. I hope you're having all the swells
Speaker 1: out there, And by all the swells, I mean the
Speaker 1: swelling in your faith from getting that new gig deep cream. Alright.
Speaker 1: A father and daughter from Chicago were struck by lightning
Speaker 1: as they were heading to their car. And there's two
Speaker 1: stories here that you brought up. Heading to their car
Speaker 1: from Steinbrenner Field in Tampa after the baseball game they
Speaker 1: came to watch got cut short because of weather conditions.
Speaker 1: Here's here's what happened. Um. From the daughter's perspective, there
Speaker 1: was a big bright flash and a loud boom, and
Speaker 1: next thing I know, my ears are ringing. I see
Speaker 1: my dad flying in the air, smacking his head on
Speaker 1: the ground, and I'm flying through the air. I actually
Speaker 1: got blasted out of my shoes and I landed on
Speaker 1: the pavement. For about ten seconds. I thought my dad
Speaker 1: was dead, and I thought I was dying. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: did the dad survive? He did. He was like a
Speaker 1: paralyzed for a couple of seconds, but after that he
Speaker 1: was able to move. And um, this got the attention
Speaker 1: of the team they went to see, which was the Yankees,
Speaker 1: and um they sent them autographs and and tickets in Chicago. Okay,
Speaker 1: worth it? Um? Wait, do you know that if you
Speaker 1: get struck by lightning, you're more likely to get struck
Speaker 1: by lightning again? Like lightning nose? They always say lightning
Speaker 1: never starts the same place twice, Like that's some kind
Speaker 1: of saying, But it actually like the people that have
Speaker 1: been struck before are more likely to get struck again
Speaker 1: than other people. I heard that the other day. When
Speaker 1: I think some guy has been struck seven times, I
Speaker 1: know someone had died from getting struck by lightning in Florida. Wait,
Speaker 1: wasn't it like your teacher, Yeah, my teacher popped. Is
Speaker 1: that going to be your segment? Huh? Because I wasn't there. Unfortunately, Okay,
Speaker 1: segment where Andrew is going to tell a story, but
Speaker 1: it won't be that one. Um. Yeah, lightning is not
Speaker 1: something that I fear. I have a lot of irrational fears,
Speaker 1: but in my mom I always remember being very scared
Speaker 1: of lightning. I do know that sometimes light No one
Speaker 1: ever thinks they're going to get hit by lightning, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. Like you always think like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's an obvious thing, like, but it happens very fast,
Speaker 1: and it happens sometimes when there's no rain, and it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, there's a lot of people. It happens on
Speaker 1: the golf course, a lot, I think is a commonplace. Well,
Speaker 1: a tree could get struck and the now we'll get you.
Speaker 1: So that doesn't help. Awesome, you're carrying around metal. I
Speaker 1: forget what you're supposed to do. There was something I
Speaker 1: just learned. No, I think you're supposed to like put
Speaker 1: you're supposed to bend your like you're supposed to crouch
Speaker 1: in a way where your souls of your shoes are
Speaker 1: the only things touching the Like there's some way to
Speaker 1: touch the ground. I mean, there's what can we look
Speaker 1: up how to if you get hit by lightning? Wasn't
Speaker 1: it wasn't storm, Like the storm was far away, Like
Speaker 1: it didn't make sense. Like at that point you're just like, okay,
Speaker 1: your time to go. Yeah, well I do know this
Speaker 1: if you're ever in a tornado and you're driving, do
Speaker 1: not go under a bridge. And I know you think
Speaker 1: that's like that would be the best place to go
Speaker 1: if you're like an overpass, but those become wind vor
Speaker 1: Texas and all the debris and the most violent like
Speaker 1: debris that's like shooting through is going to go through
Speaker 1: that bridge, And the best thing to do is get
Speaker 1: out of your car. I know this is wild. Get
Speaker 1: out of your car and go lay flat in a ditch,
Speaker 1: like in the grass and lay flat, which I don't
Speaker 1: even know if I'd be able to do that, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean where they say like punch a
Speaker 1: shark in the face, or like when a bear is
Speaker 1: attacking you just come at it like do the opposite.
Speaker 1: Like that seems like I would just go No, it's
Speaker 1: not gonna work. I can't believe that would work. I
Speaker 1: can't do it. Yeah I would. I would never be
Speaker 1: able to in a in a second earthquake outside what
Speaker 1: really even if you go away from you no, because
Speaker 1: it's like falling trees and buildings, Do not go outside
Speaker 1: an earthquake. Literally stay inside, find a doorway or like
Speaker 1: an under a table. No, what do you do in
Speaker 1: a little in lightning, all right, crouched crouched down in
Speaker 1: a ball like position with your head tucked and hands
Speaker 1: over your ears, so that you are down low with
Speaker 1: minimal contact with the ground. And that's from the c
Speaker 1: d C. Okay, well that's good to know, all right.
Speaker 1: I trust the CDC, even though most people don't anymore. Matter.
Speaker 1: But I there was something that I I think I
Speaker 1: actually did. A had an Instagram where I or sorry,
Speaker 1: a reddit that I saved that was like a I
Speaker 1: follow the subreddit called cool Guides guides g U I
Speaker 1: d e S And it was like, what about getting
Speaker 1: struck by lightning on a golf course? And I was
Speaker 1: going to send it to you because I was scared
Speaker 1: that you might die? And then I didn't because I,
Speaker 1: you know, got distracted by something and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: he'll help. Fine, Um, what's what's the next news story?
Speaker 1: You almost save my life? It isn't that nice of
Speaker 1: me to that? Yeah, I'm thinking of you. And then
Speaker 1: I stopped, Oh, here it is here. It is how
Speaker 1: to survive a lightning strike. Found it. Okay, so this
Speaker 1: is the interesting part. Crouched down like a baseball catcher,
Speaker 1: get as low as you can um. And then the
Speaker 1: thing that I liked was touched the heels of your
Speaker 1: feet together. So when you're crouched down, touch the heels
Speaker 1: of your feet together. If electricity from a ground strike
Speaker 1: enters through your feet, this increases the chances of the
Speaker 1: electricity going in one foot and out of the other
Speaker 1: rather into the rest of your body, so it might
Speaker 1: just go brup back into the ground as opposed to
Speaker 1: b You know, my hemorrhoid would save me. I would
Speaker 1: get the roid and not get what it would Yeah.
Speaker 1: I would light that thing up and it would just
Speaker 1: burn it off, and it would have flaps they put
Speaker 1: on the back of cars. Yeah, from getting static electricity.
Speaker 1: I wonder if, like when you got shocked, we would
Speaker 1: see the little skeleton inside the hemorrhoid, you know how
Speaker 1: like when you get electrocuted, you see your skeleton. That
Speaker 1: happen in the next story. Yeah. Sexual health experts say
Speaker 1: that we need to stop using the term g spot
Speaker 1: because it's actually a zone made up of five erratogenic regions. Okay,
Speaker 1: so it should be spots. I don't know what's going
Speaker 1: on here. I think Kylie Jenner is stating him. Um,
Speaker 1: I don't know the uh Okay, So they say there's no,
Speaker 1: there's no single spot. It's a five separate uh eratogenic
Speaker 1: tissues that performed the pleasure sensations ascribed to the G spot.
Speaker 1: And then what I say, what does that small miss them? All? Yeah,
Speaker 1: if you're aiming for one little spot and then you
Speaker 1: have five zones around that spot, you're going to get something. Yes.
Speaker 1: That's why I always say, like, just go like all
Speaker 1: over and you'll hit something like really hard, like instead
Speaker 1: of going like because the little is a little like
Speaker 1: twinkling a bell. Yeah, the sports center, But G spot,
Speaker 1: I don't. I think that I've probably had. I think
Speaker 1: that's the squirt spot where they where they frack you
Speaker 1: with your finger, And I think that's what they're hitting
Speaker 1: back there because it's in the back, it's in the
Speaker 1: come hither motion. That's where that zone is. Now that
Speaker 1: we're calling it the G zone, which is a new
Speaker 1: roller coaster coming to six Flags Great America. Just think
Speaker 1: of like like the ball zone, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: I really my newest erogenous zone that I'm so excited
Speaker 1: about that I had no idea is right behind my ear,
Speaker 1: like on my neck, like right here, like whenever there's
Speaker 1: like a whispering or any kind of like tingling, it
Speaker 1: is like I'm like one of those dogs with my
Speaker 1: legs shaking. I had no idea. It's so exciting to
Speaker 1: find out something new that you like and that really
Speaker 1: makes you like, I've just never had a guy like
Speaker 1: whisper back there be behind, But that makes sense because
Speaker 1: most you know, humans, when we would mate, we would
Speaker 1: do doggie style and like that's where the guy would
Speaker 1: kind of this head would be, and so it makes sense.
Speaker 1: It's like from behind. That's why my dad always has
Speaker 1: the grossest kind of like evolution, Like that's why this
Speaker 1: because we used to have sex this way, and I'm
Speaker 1: just like, I don't want to hear about the way
Speaker 1: we used to funk. Dad, Like he always says that
Speaker 1: it's so the other day he did it, Luigi, He's
Speaker 1: like he was telling someone who's like dogs like to
Speaker 1: be scratched straight male dogs like the they're like chest
Speaker 1: because and it calms them because that's what's being hit
Speaker 1: when they're humping when they're having sex, is like that's
Speaker 1: what they're leaned up against the woman and that's the
Speaker 1: part that's being touched. So it's like, I'm like, so,
Speaker 1: you're just like getting your dog like all horned up
Speaker 1: when you pet it there, even though I do bet
Speaker 1: Luigi there all the time, But it's not because I
Speaker 1: and my dad used to say that men love cleavage
Speaker 1: because we humans used to have sex from behind, and um,
Speaker 1: cleavage looks like a butt crack, and butt cracks make
Speaker 1: us turned on because that's what we're looking at when
Speaker 1: men are penetrating us, or that's what they're looking at.
Speaker 1: Does that check out? Because because cleavage is not plea
Speaker 1: was not a thing when we all didn't wear bras bra.
Speaker 1: If you're behind the woman, it's a butt crack, then
Speaker 1: the cleavage resembles a butt crack. The butt crack is
Speaker 1: the thing they were saying, Oh, I got you, Not
Speaker 1: while you're actually having sex. At a later date, like
Speaker 1: later in the day, you're like, holy shit, I've seen
Speaker 1: that ass. You get corned up by cleavage because it
Speaker 1: looks like a butt crack that you would be looking
Speaker 1: at when your penis is inside someone. So it like
Speaker 1: makes you go like, oh, like when girls put up
Speaker 1: their hair, guys always like get turned on because they
Speaker 1: think it means like a blow job. Or whatever, but
Speaker 1: it really just means I'm about to wash my face,
Speaker 1: wash all that come off it. All right, we gotta
Speaker 1: take a break and we'll come back with our new
Speaker 1: segment that I can't wait for Andrew to introduce us
Speaker 1: to right after this, Let's do Why do I care?
Speaker 1: Really quickly? What do I care? Why do I care? Okay,
Speaker 1: what's what's happening? Nikki Glazer tour opener and mel Waki
Speaker 1: to appear on the tonight show Jimmy fallon Yes last night.
Speaker 1: I'm guessing he killed because how could he not? Um,
Speaker 1: I would love you guys to go give that a watch,
Speaker 1: to give you know, just a hit and give it
Speaker 1: a thumbs up on YouTube. Go support our boy. A
Speaker 1: Meal so proud of him. I wish I could be there. Um.
Speaker 1: I got a text from Seth Herzog, who is the
Speaker 1: you know warm up act. He also did the warm
Speaker 1: up for My special and got to hang out with
Speaker 1: We hung out with Seth all that night of My
Speaker 1: special taping, and he got to know a Meal that
Speaker 1: night and they just sent me a selfie picture and
Speaker 1: I think he's taping it right now. What time is it?
Speaker 1: It's three o'clock Oh my god, Wait a second, I
Speaker 1: think they taped it at four. Hold on, let me
Speaker 1: just see it's six the other day. Wait a second,
Speaker 1: hold that, let's see it's he said the show starts
Speaker 1: at five, so he just finished it. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: he's done that. It's so exciting. I love to think about,
Speaker 1: like all of his hard work is now just just
Speaker 1: paid off, Like he's right now he's having the best
Speaker 1: moment of his life, like either doing a set right
Speaker 1: now and saying thank you good night. Um. I just
Speaker 1: love that. I love thinking about. Do you ever do
Speaker 1: that when people get like murdered or there's some like
Speaker 1: event and you go, what was I doing? And you know,
Speaker 1: like the exact minute, and you go, what was I
Speaker 1: doing in that minute? Do you ever think that, like
Speaker 1: when a tsunami hit, They'll be like like whenever there's like, um,
Speaker 1: a plane crash at eight fifty two a m I'll
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, that was Eastern time. I means it
Speaker 1: was six fifty two where I was What was I
Speaker 1: doing at that moment? Do you not do that? I
Speaker 1: do that with literally any time there is like a
Speaker 1: time stamp on something, even the other night of when
Speaker 1: the actual thing happened where you were. Yeah, I don't like,
Speaker 1: was I like wiping my ass when you know? Um,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm trying to like when Elizabeth Smart
Speaker 1: was found or something like I really think about, Like
Speaker 1: I love when there's like a specific minute when things happen,
Speaker 1: or like a mass shooting started. Like the other day,
Speaker 1: I was reading about a mass shooting and that started
Speaker 1: and they were like the shooting started at UM eleven
Speaker 1: fifty two and I was like what was I doing?
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my god. I was like
Speaker 1: waking up and going like, oh I don't want today
Speaker 1: to start. And I was like how crazy that. I
Speaker 1: was just like kind of blearly walking to the bathroom
Speaker 1: when someone was like, oh my god, Like do you
Speaker 1: I think about that stuff all the time. You're probably
Speaker 1: like that too. After you've held your ship for six weeks,
Speaker 1: it's gonna you think you're gonna ship before the ring
Speaker 1: comes off. Oh my god, Maybe it's the ring that's
Speaker 1: stopping it up. Maybe there's a what if my asshole
Speaker 1: has turned into the ring the tightness level and nothing
Speaker 1: can get through. You saw your the people that dressed
Speaker 1: you for that, did they want to help you? Take
Speaker 1: the ring off. No, it was actually their assistant. I
Speaker 1: told them about it, but they're just like, it's fine,
Speaker 1: it's whatever. So it's just it's staying on. It's the
Speaker 1: biggest commitment I've ever had in my life. It's still
Speaker 1: on and it's been on since. Wait when do we
Speaker 1: take the finale for Perfect Strangers? March eighth, So it's
Speaker 1: going on a month. You know when people put rings
Speaker 1: around their neck and then their neck gets longer, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't need that from my finger. It's long enough longer.
Speaker 1: If your finger is getting a little longer, yeah, And
Speaker 1: when that finger is longer than your pointer finger, it
Speaker 1: means you might be a lesbian. That's a that's that's
Speaker 1: not confirmed, but it often is. When girls have a
Speaker 1: longer that finger than the pointer finger, that means there
Speaker 1: it might be gay because most men have that, and
Speaker 1: it means a lot of testosterone or something I don't understand.
Speaker 1: Let's get to the new segment, Andrew. Let's find out
Speaker 1: what the segments called. And uh, I can't wait Andrews
Speaker 1: to sink short story circles segment. That's right, it's time
Speaker 1: for Andrews. The sing st story is certain segments Yeah,
Speaker 1: we wanted a place to put all of your great
Speaker 1: stories that you have accrued in your long, illustrious life.
Speaker 1: Um that is coming to a close and we want
Speaker 1: to celebrate you. So any day now. I'm trying to think,
Speaker 1: like if no, I really liked that because it was
Speaker 1: so true, you know, so tested. Yeah, that's what I meant.
Speaker 1: I'm going out and on top, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, like at least I'm going out towards the bottom,
Speaker 1: waiting for a trust fund. You know. Let's not get
Speaker 1: too honest here. Okay, what what story You're gonna regal
Speaker 1: us with your um no, so, I thought I would.
Speaker 1: I think I've told I don't think i've told this
Speaker 1: story on here, but I think I've told you in person, Nikki,
Speaker 1: So pretend I like to hear your stories again. It's
Speaker 1: a good way to like remember them so I can
Speaker 1: pass them on when you were gone pretty soon. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so yeah, I mean, just remember his story and I'll
Speaker 1: remember the name of Wilco and h or whatever. So,
Speaker 1: um so I was I was. I think funeral a
Speaker 1: dirty performed you were alive and it's thirties seven dirties, Okay, dirty,
Speaker 1: I'm not kidding any more. That reminds me of that
Speaker 1: Bill Wither song or Bruce I No, okay, okay, So
Speaker 1: that's the story. Do we still have listeners? What I
Speaker 1: wanted to do was get rid of all our listeners
Speaker 1: before you get your own segment. Yeah, thank you, I
Speaker 1: appreciate that. What's your story? Sorry? No? So? I um.
Speaker 1: I was in I think eighth or ninth grade and
Speaker 1: my best friend in middle school or a freshman year whatever,
Speaker 1: his dad always had weed and like stalks of I'm
Speaker 1: talking like, and it was always in the garage and
Speaker 1: it was above like it was in an area where
Speaker 1: you didn't think anyone would look, but everyone would look,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like you know when people
Speaker 1: hide things in a way of like also we could
Speaker 1: probably smell it. It's probably hanging out of a raft
Speaker 1: or you know what I mean. Like so much weed.
Speaker 1: It was like an insane amount of weeks. Now, were
Speaker 1: you doing weed at this point or drinking or doing
Speaker 1: anything like? Or was this your first foray into that
Speaker 1: We haven't bought and I don't think any of us
Speaker 1: at that point has bought we Why would you buy
Speaker 1: it if your friend's dad is growing it? But in
Speaker 1: like cornfields. That makes sense. Yeah, I agree. Okay, so
Speaker 1: this was the first time you were like, let's steal
Speaker 1: it from your dad. Yeah, and we wouldn't well know
Speaker 1: we we did it multiple times because we could take
Speaker 1: literally an ounce and he'd have no I He'd be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I think I have more weed. Yeah. That's the thing
Speaker 1: about how keep traveling either. Yeah, yeah, so we so
Speaker 1: we steal, we keep stealing the weed. We keep stealing
Speaker 1: the weed. We're not caught and um whatever I say,
Speaker 1: all this to go. We were at a party and
Speaker 1: it was out by the river. That's what you do
Speaker 1: in Florida. You party out by the river. And we're
Speaker 1: in like a field in a river, and like a
Speaker 1: in a gated community where a multimillion dollar house hasn't
Speaker 1: gone up yet. It's like right out of like d
Speaker 1: O C. Like we're just partying. We think we're cool,
Speaker 1: having a couple of brud Skis. Middle school. Now this
Speaker 1: is like ninth grade. Ninth people were driving. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I'm a junior in college and so your I
Speaker 1: started growing like gray hair on my balls just then.
Speaker 1: It was weird. No, so maybe it was tenth grade.
Speaker 1: I wasn't driving yet I know I wasn't driving yet,
Speaker 1: and I'll tell you why. So I was probably fifteen.
Speaker 1: I'm going fifteen here. So yeah, dude, permit d I
Speaker 1: was five three on that permit. You hadn't got to
Speaker 1: drive those lessons since yet, because you failed that to
Speaker 1: three times. So we're at this party and we're fucking
Speaker 1: you know, I'm doing my thing. You know, probably got
Speaker 1: like a letterman, jacking on and uh and uh, you know,
Speaker 1: just sucking, just chilling, and and the cops come. We
Speaker 1: see the cop, one cop and I don't even know.
Speaker 1: I don't think he was like the security cop. He
Speaker 1: was a cop cop. And I fucking freaked out and
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to do. Everyone was fucking people
Speaker 1: started running and I didn't, And so I just had
Speaker 1: cigarettes on me and I threw the cigarettes on. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, I threw this. I threw a cigarette there.
Speaker 1: You weren't allowed to have cigarettes. You're fifteen. That's an
Speaker 1: eighteen year old purchase. But can you have them at
Speaker 1: that age? I don't know. I don't think so, but
Speaker 1: I'm sure he would have looked the other way. But okay,
Speaker 1: you threw the cigarette. I threw a cigarette back underneath
Speaker 1: and explorer. I still remember. I remember that and uh,
Speaker 1: my buddies like did you just throw a cigarette? I
Speaker 1: just remember him looking at me going, did you just
Speaker 1: throw a siaretes? Like right before the cop came. I
Speaker 1: was like, dude, I was like yeah, I mean I'm nervous.
Speaker 1: You know. He's like, what are you getting rid of
Speaker 1: the contraband? And I was like okay, dude, okay whatever.
Speaker 1: So then the cop comes. I have two of my
Speaker 1: buddies jump the sea walls so Florida, swim in the river,
Speaker 1: risking their lives with alligators and swim like a mile away.
Speaker 1: The cop wasn't gonna We were all like private rich kids,
Speaker 1: like this cop is probably just gonna be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: like you just run though, because you're so afraid. It's
Speaker 1: kind of like what you're saying with the bridge thing
Speaker 1: with the tornado. They went under the bridge, so they
Speaker 1: brain they're swimming away. They swim like a mile and
Speaker 1: a half, like they like lived on an island for
Speaker 1: a year, they grew a beard out, you know, they
Speaker 1: changed their whole life. So there so um no, so
Speaker 1: they swim away, and uh, the compents of like yeah,
Speaker 1: you guys, can't party here. Also, did someone throw cigarettes?
Speaker 1: I was like, so the cop goes to where your high, Like,
Speaker 1: after you run the cop find you, did they change
Speaker 1: kind of run? I didn't run. I I just I
Speaker 1: just you just stayed through My friends My friends ran.
Speaker 1: Did you also throw like the sugar you had, the
Speaker 1: candy you had got earlier that day? What about the
Speaker 1: comic books and that picture of the girl with the
Speaker 1: big boobs you drew, ay man, you don't know what
Speaker 1: the CODs are gonna get you forward? Back then you
Speaker 1: were like, I cussed an hour ago. Fuck. I hope
Speaker 1: he didn't hear that. That's so funny you say that,
Speaker 1: because that's actually setting up the next part of his story.
Speaker 1: So my friends they swim away. I finally, like, I
Speaker 1: end up passing out at one of the kids houses
Speaker 1: by the party because the kid that I was supposed
Speaker 1: to go home with is the one that ran and swam.
Speaker 1: So I get to his house the next morning and
Speaker 1: it's the kid whose dad we steal the weed from.
Speaker 1: So so you guys don't know if these kids survived
Speaker 1: or not. No, No, he was one of the kids
Speaker 1: that swam. That swam. Those guys came back though eventually
Speaker 1: eventually they came bad. Were the cops like, um, we
Speaker 1: have to go searching for their bodies now? Like were
Speaker 1: they alarmed that they swam off or that they don't care?
Speaker 1: They're not calling the boat cops on kids. They just
Speaker 1: are like they're probably laughing at these there. I mean
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, yeah, that's actually a good point. Maybe
Speaker 1: they're worried about them drowning. Yeah, yeah, I guess not implored.
Speaker 1: Everyone can swim early, so uh you know they're riding
Speaker 1: amnatey just chilling. So anyway, so then we're getting I
Speaker 1: get back to the house, the house that we initially
Speaker 1: stole the weed from, and the kids sitting there with
Speaker 1: his parents literally doing do you remember, um, what's the
Speaker 1: movie with slick shoes where they try to find uh fuck? Um,
Speaker 1: don't you know this reference isn't even lighting up anything
Speaker 1: in my head? Dude, I know you've seen this movie Goonies.
Speaker 1: Remember I know Goonies, but I've never seen it. Okay,
Speaker 1: So there's this kid and Goonies who gets in trouble
Speaker 1: and he ends up they go tell us everything everything,
Speaker 1: and he goes in third grade. Still, it's literally where
Speaker 1: you're just talking about I still a twinkie from Mrs.
Speaker 1: So my buddy's doing that. I walk into him telling
Speaker 1: his parents every bad thing we've done our whole childhood
Speaker 1: because he ran away from the girl. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: Now mind you, I can't give away too much and
Speaker 1: I can't give away that, but I'll tell you that
Speaker 1: all fair. But so then the mom is like reprimanding us,
Speaker 1: and the dad he's the one who's weed we stole.
Speaker 1: He's pretending like he cares, but he can't. He has
Speaker 1: no argument because his eyes are red and it's his weed.
Speaker 1: So he's just going, oh, like's just making noises, right,
Speaker 1: and my buddy's spilling all the beans everything, saying everything
Speaker 1: we've done bad since fifth grade. My mom comes to
Speaker 1: pick me up, and I just remember the my friend's
Speaker 1: mom going, you're you know, you know our sons have
Speaker 1: been smoking pot, and my mom I just remember, like
Speaker 1: she wouldn't have really cared, but you gotta, like course,
Speaker 1: but she has to pretend because the parents are expecting
Speaker 1: her to. And our moms care more about what other
Speaker 1: parents think than actually doing what they like. Why you
Speaker 1: just droven out? You just drove an hour drunk to
Speaker 1: pick me up like, you know, like you you hit
Speaker 1: like the same thing. So then she looks at me
Speaker 1: and it gets real quiet, and she goes, you smoked
Speaker 1: marijuana like it was the most PARENTI parent parent thing
Speaker 1: and you were just like cool, mom, Yeah, okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: who know how what are you gonna ground me? Is?
Speaker 1: So you come out of your room, mom, and maybe
Speaker 1: I'll go to mine. It's the browning yourself mom with
Speaker 1: the wine you drink on the rocks. Hilarious, Holy sh it.
Speaker 1: So anyhow, so I end up having to ride back
Speaker 1: home with my and like we still stole weed from them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like that didn't stop. So anyways, but that was the fun,
Speaker 1: little hi were the ones that got upset and told
Speaker 1: your mom. Those seem like the cool parents. Any parents
Speaker 1: that are growing weed, aren't they the ones that are like,
Speaker 1: we'll let you do it if it's in front of us, Like,
Speaker 1: aren't they the cool? They were somewhat cool, but they
Speaker 1: they you know, there's just peer pressure there. One now,
Speaker 1: the dad who was the biggest fucking deadhead you would
Speaker 1: ever meet, like was crying when Jerry Garcia died, followed
Speaker 1: the dead is the biggest fucking trumper you'd ever meet now,
Speaker 1: and it's just like, you know, capitalism and living in
Speaker 1: a small town like Dad where a lot of people
Speaker 1: are Trump heads, you just you forget about how you
Speaker 1: used to fucking drop L S. D And hang with
Speaker 1: fucking Jerry Garcia and can roll around in grass and
Speaker 1: be naked in the mud. And now it's like, no,
Speaker 1: I want to fucking sit on a golden chair and
Speaker 1: listen to a guy that's never even fucking how to
Speaker 1: drink or smoke, you know what I mean, Like I
Speaker 1: don't know what's happening. But anyhow, that was a fun
Speaker 1: high school story and made me think it final thought,
Speaker 1: it really reminds me of a couple of things. Actually,
Speaker 1: the first time I got caught drinking to my parents,
Speaker 1: they you know, my friend's parents like drove me and
Speaker 1: Kirsten to my parents house, which is in the same neighborhood,
Speaker 1: and was like, we caught the girls drinking over at
Speaker 1: our house and my parents, were you drinking? Where did
Speaker 1: you get the still beer from the from her parents garage?
Speaker 1: And we were just like up in her room like
Speaker 1: chugging beer, chugging wine, like whatever. You just schnops whatever
Speaker 1: you can find. And it's so gross, and I remember
Speaker 1: the boys sprints it away, and I just remember we
Speaker 1: were outside. We had drank in her bedroom. We were
Speaker 1: keeping it all like in this trunk, and then we
Speaker 1: went outside in our front yard. It was like twilight,
Speaker 1: and there were like boys that came up to meet us,
Speaker 1: and it was freshman year, and I remember the garage,
Speaker 1: her garage door slowly opening and her dad was just
Speaker 1: standing there with our with the booze, just like busted ladies,
Speaker 1: and he was just slowly revealed like it was being downloaded,
Speaker 1: you know, like in with like a bad boom, and
Speaker 1: he was just appearing slowly. And then they drove us
Speaker 1: home to my parents knocked on the door, and I
Speaker 1: remember like kind of expecting my parents to be a
Speaker 1: little upset, but they were mainly they were just like
Speaker 1: get in here, like what they didn't care. I always
Speaker 1: I obeyed my parents because and I wasn't a bad
Speaker 1: kid who did stuff, not because I didn't know my
Speaker 1: parents were not going to punish me for stuff, because
Speaker 1: they weren't. They allowed me to make mistakes, but I
Speaker 1: just did it because I just knew for whatever reason
Speaker 1: my parents I thought they potentially could even though when
Speaker 1: they did doll out like go to your room. I
Speaker 1: followed it, and I was scared of them, but they
Speaker 1: still never really followed through with any punishment. Like I
Speaker 1: used to have really big crying fits and they would
Speaker 1: be super embarrassed by them and say, the way you
Speaker 1: were acting right now, if this continues, you are not
Speaker 1: You're not gonna go to six Flags. Not only are
Speaker 1: you not gonna go tonight to the thing you're crying about,
Speaker 1: You're not gonna And then I go and I was
Speaker 1: just like, I mean, I'm an adult, nearly an adult
Speaker 1: woman throwing herself on the floor and just I just
Speaker 1: remember them. Yeah, Like one night, I remember when I
Speaker 1: was like maybe five, I threw a fit in um
Speaker 1: a convenient story my mom. I was on the floor sobbing,
Speaker 1: crying because my mom was like, let's pick out a
Speaker 1: comic book and I wanted to get the Barbie one
Speaker 1: and she was like, let's get Batman for your dad.
Speaker 1: He'll love that. And I just started crying instantly, and
Speaker 1: she was like, well, then we're definitely not getting Barbie,
Speaker 1: like you're not gonna win this. And I remember just
Speaker 1: feeling so helpless, like there's no way I can get
Speaker 1: this Barbie thing, and the only what the only thing
Speaker 1: to do is to just double down on the thing
Speaker 1: I've just started, because I've already embarrassed myself in front
Speaker 1: of my mom. She's like in front of other people.
Speaker 1: And I just fell to the ground, screaming, crying, and
Speaker 1: I remember I remember being humiliated by it. Her finally
Speaker 1: like picking me up and pulling me out. And then
Speaker 1: I went home and she was like, you're going to bed,
Speaker 1: You're going to your room, and I had never happened before.
Speaker 1: I went to my room and I remember my dad
Speaker 1: bringing my dinner on a plate like to my room
Speaker 1: and like being like, you have to eat in your room.
Speaker 1: And I remember it was fried chicken, and I remember
Speaker 1: me like, I'm not going to eat this because I'm
Speaker 1: gonna show them that I don't. I'm if they don't
Speaker 1: let me do it the way I want to, I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna And then I was like really hungry, and
Speaker 1: I was years yeah, and then I was like I'm
Speaker 1: never gonna eat again. But something that really made me
Speaker 1: sad that it reminded me of was there was this
Speaker 1: comedian Brett Clawson in St. Louis when I started so funny.
Speaker 1: One of the guys that like, he was probably like
Speaker 1: in his mid to late twenties, but he seemed so
Speaker 1: much older to me. But he was just one of
Speaker 1: those guys that a comics comic like, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: that's the guy everyone wants to be. And he had
Speaker 1: put out an album and he was having a little successes,
Speaker 1: but um, he was just a guy that like drank
Speaker 1: a lot and had like just a problem with cahol,
Speaker 1: even though he was so nice and so he reminiately
Speaker 1: reminded me of Jesse Camp, remember him who won the contest.
Speaker 1: Very lanky, funny like kind he was. He got pulled
Speaker 1: over for like a d u I and he ran
Speaker 1: from the cops and he jumped over what he thought
Speaker 1: was like a guardrail thing and it was a like
Speaker 1: two story drop onto concrete and he was in a
Speaker 1: comma and then he died. And it was all because
Speaker 1: he was trying to run from the cops. So the
Speaker 1: lesson years, don't run from the fucking cops. Um, I
Speaker 1: think that's a lesson, right, And I know it was
Speaker 1: so fucking sad, And I'm trying to think where I was.
Speaker 1: You were throwing cigarettes underneath the Forward Explorer they're part
Speaker 1: of them in lights, Dude, that's six seven. It was
Speaker 1: so tragic. It was there was like a sweep. There
Speaker 1: was like a lot of like bad things that right
Speaker 1: after Brett's death. This was a Funny Bone comedian in St. Louis,
Speaker 1: another Funny Bone comedian named Keith Cecil. It was the
Speaker 1: night before I was moving to New York. Um I
Speaker 1: had moved back home after I did the Tonight show.
Speaker 1: I moved back home to St. Louis and I was
Speaker 1: just biding my time until I saved him money to
Speaker 1: move to New York. And it was the night before
Speaker 1: I was leaving to go to New York, and I
Speaker 1: remember I went to the Funny Bone for like one
Speaker 1: last hang with all the comics, and that night I
Speaker 1: like said goodbye to Keith. He was like really drunk,
Speaker 1: and I remember like giving him a hug and then
Speaker 1: he left, and then my friend Josh left behind him,
Speaker 1: Josh Arnold, and then we got a call that Keith
Speaker 1: right outside the Funny Bone, like on getting on the
Speaker 1: highway was uh. Josh came up, was the first person
Speaker 1: on the scene to his scene. He I don't think
Speaker 1: it was wearing a seatbelt and he nearly died, like
Speaker 1: probably should have died, and he lost his ear, but
Speaker 1: now he does comedy again and he like talks about
Speaker 1: not having an ear. But like we were like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, tragedy keeps striking and it was always like
Speaker 1: kind of a drunk driving incident, so be careful out there,
Speaker 1: and uh, Derety Pop, Direted, Dirted, Direted Pop and Jack
Speaker 1: Art Pap