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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new Couch Talks episode

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Speaker 1: on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat, I'm

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Speaker 1: the host, and quick reminder before we get started that

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Speaker 1: although I'm a therapist to answer some questions on here,

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Speaker 1: this podcast does not serve as a replacement or substitute

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Speaker 1: for mental health services of any kind, including therapy. And

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Speaker 1: if you are not sure what couch Talks is, it

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Speaker 1: is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where

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Speaker 1: I answer questions that you guys, the listeners send to

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Speaker 1: Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. So any

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Speaker 1: question you have feel free to send it. They always

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Speaker 1: remain anonymous, so you can feel safe sending in whatever

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Speaker 1: question you have about whatever thing is popping up in

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Speaker 1: your life today. You can also send questions about questions

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Speaker 1: I answer and questions about episodes that I put out,

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Speaker 1: so feel free. I love getting those questions from you guys.

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Speaker 1: So I hope everybody had a good weekend and start

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Speaker 1: to the week. We finished our series on the Four

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Speaker 1: Horsemen on Monday. I had a very exciting weekend this

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Speaker 1: past weekend. I know you guys were probably thinking you

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Speaker 1: were going to get a Harry Potter update but there's

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Speaker 1: nothing to update right now because the books are so

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Speaker 1: much longer as you get deeper into the series, so

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Speaker 1: I'm still listening to the same one. But I actually

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Speaker 1: this weekend was very exciting because I bought a wedding

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Speaker 1: dress and it was something that I thought was going

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Speaker 1: to be such a oh. I wanted to be a

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Speaker 1: fun experience, but I was really worried it was going

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Speaker 1: to be hard in the sense that I struggled with

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Speaker 1: what I looked like in the dresses, or it didn't

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Speaker 1: look like I wanted them to look, or I just couldn't.

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Speaker 2: Find one that I liked.

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Speaker 1: And I actually had a really good experience, and it

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Speaker 1: was because of a couple things. Part of it is

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Speaker 1: probably the work I've done around body image and all

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Speaker 1: of that, so I just see my body differently than

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Speaker 1: I might have when I was twenty two. But what

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Speaker 1: I was struggling with really was I liked all the

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Speaker 1: dresses I was trying on enough, but I didn't love

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Speaker 1: any of them. And there was like things I wanted

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Speaker 1: from one dress, but then something else I liked about

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Speaker 1: other dress, and I wanted to put them all together.

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Speaker 2: But you can't just do that.

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Speaker 1: But I had good experiences while all the people, all

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Speaker 1: the stylists every place I went was kind and gracious,

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Speaker 1: and they must do some training on how to really

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Speaker 1: pomp a girl up, because they just know how to

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Speaker 1: compliment and lift you up in a time that can

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Speaker 1: be pretty vulnerable. You know. I'm saying this all this

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Speaker 1: because I have to give a shout out to the

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Speaker 1: place that I bought my dress.

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Speaker 2: And although I wish this was sponsored, it is not.

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Speaker 1: So this is literally coming from my experience, and I

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Speaker 1: believe I want.

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Speaker 2: To give credit where credit is due.

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Speaker 1: But I last minute scheduled this appointment at a boutique

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Speaker 1: called adorn Ado. It's in Nashville. I don't know why

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Speaker 1: didn't schedule appointment there at first, but I had a

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Speaker 1: friend that said that she had bought a dress there,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, Okay, I'm just gonna go. Look

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Speaker 1: what can it hurt to try on more dresses? And

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Speaker 1: I'm in the back of my head like, hurt because

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Speaker 1: it could make you more confused and you might find

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Speaker 1: more than one you like.

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Speaker 2: And da da da.

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Speaker 1: Anyway, I want to shout them out because first of all,

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Speaker 1: I ended up buying the first dress they put me

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Speaker 1: in but they did such a good job of asking

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Speaker 1: the styles I was interested in. They asked what I

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Speaker 1: liked about certain dresses that I tried on. They really

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Speaker 1: like listened to me. And what they did is they

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Speaker 1: gave me some of what I would have chosen myself

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Speaker 1: if I just got to pull dresses off the rack.

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Speaker 1: But they also like curveballed me and had me which

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Speaker 1: some of the other stores did that too, had me

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Speaker 1: try on things I wouldn't have picked.

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Speaker 2: And what it did two things.

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Speaker 1: It solidified what I did want by making me see

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Speaker 1: what I didn't want, which.

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Speaker 2: Was very helpful.

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Speaker 1: I imagined, well, I'm not going to say too much

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Speaker 1: what the dress looks like, so I'm not going to

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Speaker 1: say that. But anyway, the other thing that was so

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Speaker 1: great about this place is it was so fun. The

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Speaker 1: style of this name was Alex. If you go there

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Speaker 1: ask for her, she just one pumped me up.

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Speaker 2: But also it's a.

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Speaker 1: Very overwhelming experience, especially if you have friends and family

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Speaker 1: there who are also giving their opinion, and it's hard

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Speaker 1: to like show what you're really feeling, because what if

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Speaker 1: everybody likes the dress that you kind of feel so

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Speaker 1: so about, and what if nobody gives a reaction to

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Speaker 1: the dress that you love, and it just can be

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Speaker 1: a little tense at times. And I was struggling between

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Speaker 1: the same dress in different styles, which might sound confusing.

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Speaker 1: I'm trying not to give too much information, although I

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Speaker 1: know Patrick is not listening to this right now, but

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Speaker 1: she was able to pull me aside and say, I

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Speaker 1: could tell by the way you were looking, and I

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Speaker 1: could see that this felt this way, and I just

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Speaker 1: want you to notice that. And because when on your

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Speaker 1: wedding day, you want to feel care free when it

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Speaker 1: comes to your dress, and you want it.

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Speaker 2: So she just did a.

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Speaker 1: Wonderful job of kind of helping me stand firm and

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Speaker 1: what I wanted to knowledge, because it was like I

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Speaker 1: wanted to want this one dress, but I really wanted

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Speaker 1: another one.

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Speaker 2: Anyway. It ended with a lot of tears.

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Speaker 1: I put up the dress that I originally tried on

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Speaker 1: first back on, just put a veil on me.

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Speaker 2: I start bawling, crying.

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Speaker 1: Plenty of pictures of it that I cannot show anybody,

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Speaker 1: but it was really fun, a lot of adrenaline and yeah,

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Speaker 1: I was emotional. I have never even thought about what

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Speaker 1: that experience would be like, so to have a wedding

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Speaker 1: dress on.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to like tear up now talking about but.

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Speaker 1: To have a wedding dress on and imagine myself doing

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Speaker 1: something that I didn't know if I was ever going

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Speaker 1: to do was a really cool experience. I had some

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Speaker 1: friends and family there that made it cool too. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: I'm giving you way too much information. I didn't intend

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Speaker 1: to say all that. I really just wanted to shout

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Speaker 1: out Adorn. They have a wonderful selection of dresses. They

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Speaker 1: also do a lot of custom stuff, so they can

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Speaker 1: change the back of a dress. They can add a

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Speaker 1: like a removable like skirt if you wanted like a

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Speaker 1: tight dress for the reception, a line for the ceremony.

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Speaker 1: I mean, they do so much stuff that makes it

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Speaker 1: really cool and you can really kind of put It's

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Speaker 1: like how I wanted all these different things. They could,

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Speaker 1: to an extent, put all these things together into one thing, and.

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Speaker 2: They are just great.

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Speaker 1: So AnyWho, if you fast forward through that, I don't

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Speaker 1: blame you, but I just wanted to give that credit.

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Speaker 1: And I also, that's just an exciting thing that's happening

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Speaker 1: in my life right now, so I wanted to share

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Speaker 1: with you guys. Anyway, couch Talks is not about my

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Speaker 1: wedding dress shopping. It is about me answering questions that

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Speaker 1: you send to me. So I'm gonna just get into

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Speaker 1: that now. Let's transition. So here's this week's question. Hey, kat,

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Speaker 1: I have a question that hopefully you can answer on

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Speaker 1: couch Talks one day. I've been dating my boyfriend for

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Speaker 1: about three years. I'm twenty eight and he's thirty one.

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Speaker 1: I have known since about a year into dating that

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Speaker 1: I for sure wanted to marry him at this point.

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Speaker 1: We talk about the future often and what we envision,

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Speaker 1: where we want to live, how many kids we want, etc.

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Speaker 1: He has told me multiple times that he wants to

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Speaker 1: marry me, and I do believe him most of the time.

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Speaker 1: My question comes here. I don't want to keep dating

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Speaker 1: him for another three years, and I think that if

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Speaker 1: we aren't ready by this time, we never will be.

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Speaker 1: So I want to bring up a conversation about expectations

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Speaker 1: in a timeline, but I also don't want to feel

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Speaker 1: like I'm being pushy or giving him an ultimatum. How

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Speaker 1: would you address a conversation like this and at what

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Speaker 1: point would you say ultimatums are fair? If at all okay,

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Speaker 1: So this question gives us so much to talk about.

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Speaker 1: One the nuance between ultimatums and boundaries. I personally think

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Speaker 1: that ultimatums get bad reputations because they can be used

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Speaker 1: as manipulative tools so often, but in reality, it can

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Speaker 1: also be a way to set a boundary and allow

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Speaker 1: your needs to be met. If I'm dating someoney for

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Speaker 1: five years and I want to get married and start

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Speaker 1: a family and my partner doesn't me asking for what

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Speaker 1: I want, Hey, I want to start making plans for

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Speaker 1: our future and us getting married, and if that's not

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Speaker 1: something you're willing to do, we need to ask ourselves

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Speaker 1: if this relationship is working for the both of us.

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Speaker 2: That would basically be like.

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Speaker 1: Saying we need to move forward, or we need to

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Speaker 1: look at if this is something that we need to

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Speaker 1: end if we don't want the same things. If you

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Speaker 1: don't want to get married, then I don't want to

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Speaker 1: continue this relationship, and so that can be seen as

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Speaker 1: an ultimatum. It's also just you speaking your needs and

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Speaker 1: asking for what you want. And if I'm not allowed

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Speaker 1: to say that, then it means that I'm not allowed

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Speaker 1: to ask for what I need and I want in

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Speaker 1: a relationship and in my life. And that is very

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Speaker 1: different than me saying if you don't go to this

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Speaker 1: party with me, I'm breaking up with you. Like that

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Speaker 1: feels like an unhealthy ultimatum. So that is a littlepil

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Speaker 1: on ultimatums. I could talk about that for a long time,

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Speaker 1: but we don't even have to really go there right now,

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Speaker 1: because what this listener is talking about isn't giving an

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Speaker 1: ultimatum at all. It sounds like you just want to

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Speaker 1: understand your partner's plans for your future, and you are

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Speaker 1: allowed to be in the conversation about your future relationship

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Speaker 1: that you are in, like you're allowed to be in

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Speaker 1: that whole conversation. If you're not, that is very confusing

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Speaker 1: to me. So if you both are on the same

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Speaker 1: page as far as dating to eventually getting married, you're

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Speaker 1: past the point three years in of needing to like

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Speaker 1: play it cool and not like move too fast, like

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Speaker 1: you're three years in. So that would not be fast.

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Speaker 1: It could be right on time, it could be slow

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Speaker 1: for some people, but it's definitely not fast. So three

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Speaker 1: years with a person is a really big investment in

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Speaker 1: that person and in a relationship, and I think that

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Speaker 1: it's fair to say that you should be allowed to

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Speaker 1: talk about the future of that investment you've made because

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Speaker 1: you're in this just as much as your partner.

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Speaker 2: If someone calls that.

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Speaker 1: Pushy, then there might be something else going on with

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Speaker 1: them that they could be deflecting onto you, because the

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Speaker 1: reality is that's not pushy. That's you allowing yourself to

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Speaker 1: be a part of the relationship that you're in. And

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Speaker 1: the other thing is this conversation doesn't have to be

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Speaker 1: this whole like, hey, we need to talk and sit

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Speaker 1: down and you have these pay in your stomach and

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Speaker 1: that kind of like start to a conversation. It could

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Speaker 1: simply be you saying to your partner, you know, I've

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Speaker 1: been thinking about our future more lately and getting more

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Speaker 1: excited about it, and I really want to check in

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Speaker 1: and see where you are with things and what you

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Speaker 1: had mentioned at this point that has no ultimatums involved.

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Speaker 1: We haven't gotten to that point yet. You're just wondering, Hey,

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Speaker 1: where are you at? And I want to tell you

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Speaker 1: where I am at and see if we're in the

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Speaker 1: same place and if we will be getting to the

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Speaker 1: same place if we're not. And if he says something

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Speaker 1: like Oh, I mean I need like another three years

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Speaker 1: to feel comfortable getting married, And in your head you're like, hell, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm not doing that. You could say something like, you know,

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Speaker 1: I was hoping we would be moving forward and possibly

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Speaker 1: being engaged by next year, and right now, I'm not

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Speaker 1: sure if I can wait three more years, but I'm

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Speaker 1: interested in what makes that feel.

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Speaker 2: Right for you. Can you tell me more about that?

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Speaker 1: So again, you're getting information about the relationship you are

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Speaker 1: in and then having a conversation about how that feels

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Speaker 1: for both of you. And I think that women exaggerating,

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Speaker 1: and it sounds like you might be doing this. Women

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Speaker 1: exaggerate in their heads when they're just simply asking a

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Speaker 1: very understandable question. Wanting to know how your partner feels

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Speaker 1: and see if he sees a future with you. Isn't

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Speaker 1: being controlling or pushy or too much. It's a basic

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Speaker 1: right of being in a relationship with somebody and feeling

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Speaker 1: like you're going to push someone away by simply asking

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Speaker 1: for what you need and what you want in a

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Speaker 1: relationship is often an indicator of some unresolved stuff, and

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Speaker 1: it could be internal from a past relationship, or it

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Speaker 1: could be some unconscious bias from growing up and you know,

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Speaker 1: growing up in this culture that we're in, or it

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Speaker 1: could be from unhealthy dynamics in the current relationship. So

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Speaker 1: if that's coming up a lot, I would do some

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Speaker 1: digging on that for sure, Like where does this idea

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Speaker 1: that if I ask where this is going, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to be pushy because you haven't pushed anybody, You're just

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Speaker 1: asking a question. I want to see where you're at

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Speaker 1: to make sure that this is something that I want

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Speaker 1: to continue to invest in and be in, because the

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Speaker 1: more I'm in it, the more I'm invested in it.

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Speaker 1: And if this is not going to go somewhere that

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Speaker 1: I envision for my life, I need to see if

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Speaker 1: there's something else that I need to do, or if

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Speaker 1: there's somewhere else I can go to actually get what

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Speaker 1: I actually see from my future. If I can find

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Speaker 1: that somewhere else, then I might want to go look

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Speaker 1: at that. And so again, you're not to that point.

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Speaker 1: You're literally just saying, hey, hey, where are you at?

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Speaker 1: And I want to share with you where I am

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Speaker 1: at and let's talk about what that feels for both

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Speaker 1: of us. Very very very normal, understandable, valid justified all

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Speaker 1: of it all the things, So I'm validating you to

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Speaker 1: go and have this conversation that you deserve to have

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Speaker 1: in a relationship that you're in. And if you have

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Speaker 1: more questions on ultimatums, would love to talk about that

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Speaker 1: again another day, but that is going to do it

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Speaker 1: for now. I hope you guys are having the day

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Speaker 1: you need to have. If anybody is looking for a

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Speaker 1: wedding dress right now or has a friend, go shout

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Speaker 1: out to them Adorn, tell them to ask for Alex

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Speaker 1: and I will talk to you guys again on Monday