WEBVTT - Can People Really Change? 3 Signs Someone Will Change 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.400 Hey everyone, it's Jay. Most people know me as a 0:00:03.440 --> 0:00:07.000 podcast host, entrepreneur, and author, But did you know that 0:00:07.040 --> 0:00:10.320 I've been writing a newsletter every single week for the 0:00:10.400 --> 0:00:15.480 last four years. It's called Weekly Wisdom. In each newsletter, 0:00:15.720 --> 0:00:18.880 I answer a question from one of my seven hundred 0:00:19.000 --> 0:00:23.080 thousand readers. I give my best insights and advice, helping 0:00:23.120 --> 0:00:28.080 my readers find purposeful and spiritual solutions to their everyday problems. 0:00:28.600 --> 0:00:30.760 My goal here isn't to tell you how to live 0:00:30.800 --> 0:00:33.720 your life, but to guide you in the direction of 0:00:33.760 --> 0:00:36.960 your best possible future. If you'd like to get my 0:00:37.040 --> 0:00:41.280 newsletter send to your inbox every Thursday, just go to 0:00:41.400 --> 0:00:48.040 jshetdynewsletter dot com to sign up. Now that's Jayshettynewsletter dot com. 0:00:48.440 --> 0:00:51.960 A brand new newsletter comes out every week. I can't 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:54.640 wait for you to read it. A lot of us 0:00:55.360 --> 0:00:58.840 have to recognize that change is something that has to 0:00:58.840 --> 0:01:01.920 come from within. They have to feel like this new 0:01:02.040 --> 0:01:04.800 life will be good for them, but they have to 0:01:04.880 --> 0:01:08.240 know it in their language, with their reasons. They have 0:01:08.319 --> 0:01:12.080 to commit to that change. Is someone telling you they're 0:01:12.080 --> 0:01:15.800 going to change, or is someone showing you the signs 0:01:16.240 --> 0:01:19.400 that they're ready to commit to change the number one 0:01:19.480 --> 0:01:28.040 health and wellness podcast, Jay Shed Jay Sheidy, Hey everyone, 0:01:28.120 --> 0:01:31.120 welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you for trusting me 0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:34.360 with your time and energy. I don't take it for granted, 0:01:34.840 --> 0:01:37.600 and I'm so grateful that you've chosen to be with 0:01:37.720 --> 0:01:41.319 me here today. It's been an incredible few weeks. We've 0:01:41.360 --> 0:01:45.920 had everyone from Sean Mendes to Andrew Huberman on the podcast, 0:01:46.319 --> 0:01:51.400 Nicole Leperra, incredible therapist and thinker, and so many more 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:54.800 amazing guests yet to come. I also hope you've been 0:01:54.840 --> 0:01:58.720 taking a look at my solo podcast because there have 0:01:58.720 --> 0:02:02.360 been some workshops that have resonated with you recently. But 0:02:03.080 --> 0:02:06.720 I'm guessing you're here today because there's someone in your 0:02:06.760 --> 0:02:11.040 life that you wish would change. Maybe it's your partner, 0:02:11.600 --> 0:02:15.160 maybe it's a parent, Maybe it's someone in your professional 0:02:15.240 --> 0:02:19.760 environment at work. Maybe it's a sibling. Either way, there's 0:02:19.800 --> 0:02:24.959 someone in your life that you're wishing, waiting and wanting 0:02:25.080 --> 0:02:30.560 for to change. And maybe you've tried or ready to 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:34.560 help them change. Maybe you've pushed them to change. Maybe 0:02:34.560 --> 0:02:37.440 you even made the mistake of forcing them to change. 0:02:37.880 --> 0:02:40.400 And you're sitting there right now, going Jay, I just 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:47.720 don't know if they're ever going to change. Can people change? 0:02:48.400 --> 0:02:51.080 That's our question for today. That's what you're thinking about, 0:02:51.560 --> 0:02:53.320 and that's what I'm going to guide you through over 0:02:53.360 --> 0:02:58.040 the next thirty minutes or so to recognize what is change? 0:02:58.040 --> 0:03:00.680 What does it look like? Is it possible? If you 0:03:00.800 --> 0:03:03.720 want to know if that person will ever change, this 0:03:03.840 --> 0:03:07.119 episodees for you. If you're struggling with someone because they're 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:10.480 not changing, this episodes for you. And if you're someone 0:03:10.560 --> 0:03:13.800 who's just trying to figure it out, this episode is 0:03:14.160 --> 0:03:17.200 for you. Now. The first thing I want to do 0:03:17.360 --> 0:03:20.240 is take a very factual look at change. When we 0:03:20.280 --> 0:03:24.160 look at change in society, change in community, change individually. 0:03:24.919 --> 0:03:29.120 Studies show that forming a habit can take anywhere from 0:03:29.200 --> 0:03:32.920 eighteen to two hundred and fifty four days, with an 0:03:33.000 --> 0:03:37.200 average of sixty six days to form a habit. But 0:03:37.280 --> 0:03:39.680 that's not the kind of change you're talking about. When 0:03:39.720 --> 0:03:43.440 we're asking this question can people really change, We're talking 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:49.080 about something far more core or fundamental. We're talking about values. 0:03:49.840 --> 0:03:54.600 We're talking about attitudes, behaviors, mindsets. Right, maybe you want 0:03:54.600 --> 0:03:58.360 someone to change the way they appreciate you. Maybe you 0:03:58.400 --> 0:04:01.240 want someone to change the way they think about care. 0:04:02.080 --> 0:04:04.400 Maybe you want someone to change the way they talk 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:07.760 to you, communicate with you. Maybe you want to change 0:04:08.480 --> 0:04:13.160 the way someone behaves with you. Adapting to change, study 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:18.920 show can take around ninety days, and seeing significant change 0:04:18.920 --> 0:04:24.600 in society can take thirty years or more. Notice the 0:04:24.640 --> 0:04:28.200 difference changing a habit average sixty six days, adapting to 0:04:28.240 --> 0:04:34.040 a change ninety days, Seeing norms set into society thirty years. 0:04:34.680 --> 0:04:37.200 So we've got to look at the person and we've 0:04:37.200 --> 0:04:40.040 got to empathize and be compassionate and realize are they 0:04:40.080 --> 0:04:44.000 trying to change a habit, are they adapting to a change, 0:04:44.560 --> 0:04:47.320 or really is it that we're hoping that they change 0:04:47.360 --> 0:04:51.000 a norm in their life? Now, I want to give 0:04:51.000 --> 0:04:54.680 you an answer in short that of course people can change, 0:04:55.360 --> 0:04:59.320 but different parts of them take longer to change. And 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:02.400 there are four There are far more aspects that are 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:06.479 unchangeable than we believe. And when I say unchangeable, I 0:05:06.480 --> 0:05:10.400 don't mean that it's impossible or will never happen. I 0:05:10.560 --> 0:05:14.400 mean that the waiting time may be so long that 0:05:14.760 --> 0:05:19.760 it may feel like forever. So one interesting study talks 0:05:19.800 --> 0:05:25.440 about this idea of how it's actually quite hard over 0:05:25.600 --> 0:05:30.599 time for people to change core personality traits. So people 0:05:30.600 --> 0:05:33.920 can change their personality, but it's hard to change core 0:05:34.000 --> 0:05:38.680 personality straits, Like if someone's an extrovert or an introvert, 0:05:39.080 --> 0:05:41.920 it's hard to change. Someone's not just going to shift 0:05:41.920 --> 0:05:45.320 from one to the other. If someone's a homebody or 0:05:45.680 --> 0:05:49.000 wants to travel the world, that's not going to change overnight. 0:05:49.640 --> 0:05:53.320 If someone is more likely to be opened than closed 0:05:53.680 --> 0:05:58.280 emotionally available, it's not easy for someone who's emotionally disconnected 0:05:58.360 --> 0:06:02.600 or unavailable to suddenly become available overnight. These are far 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:07.200 more core personality traits that are much more difficult to 0:06:07.240 --> 0:06:11.640 see changes in now. One study I looked at talks 0:06:11.680 --> 0:06:19.000 about how hurtful behaviors such as lying, cheating, dismissing, or controlling, 0:06:19.000 --> 0:06:22.080 and this is from psych Central. They say are often 0:06:22.160 --> 0:06:26.640 habits that turn into harmful behavior patterns, and research from 0:06:26.680 --> 0:06:31.320 twenty twenty explains personality may be shaped by an interaction 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:36.799 between multiple sources from genes to events and social relationships, 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:40.360 rather than only one source. The study goes on to 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:44.839 say that personality development isn't linear and changes in either. 0:06:45.680 --> 0:06:48.760 So what's really interesting about that is even when people change, 0:06:48.800 --> 0:06:52.360 we think of changes linear, We think that if someone changes, 0:06:53.120 --> 0:06:57.039 everything changes, when actually what happens in reality is that 0:06:57.200 --> 0:07:01.200 even if someone changes, chances are they're going to oscillate 0:07:01.320 --> 0:07:04.320 back and forth to their form myself. So you're going 0:07:04.400 --> 0:07:06.080 to constantly ask the question, Wait a minute, I thought 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:08.360 you changed. Wait a minute, I thought you understood. Wait 0:07:08.360 --> 0:07:10.600 a minute, I thought you got the message. And the 0:07:10.640 --> 0:07:14.320 truth is it's more likely that someone's going to oscillate 0:07:14.400 --> 0:07:19.360 back and forth until they get there. So behavior can 0:07:19.440 --> 0:07:22.440 be learned and unlearned. But the amount of time it 0:07:22.520 --> 0:07:25.680 can take, the levels it can go to in order 0:07:25.720 --> 0:07:29.400 for that to happen can be very, very hard to 0:07:29.440 --> 0:07:32.720 go through. Now here's the reality I want to get 0:07:32.760 --> 0:07:37.360 through to you. You can't change anyone. You can only 0:07:37.480 --> 0:07:41.800 change yourself. You can't force someone to change. You can't 0:07:41.840 --> 0:07:45.840 push someone to change. You can't beg someone to change. 0:07:46.440 --> 0:07:50.360 They will change when they want to change. They will 0:07:50.480 --> 0:07:54.000 change when they feel a need to change. They will 0:07:54.200 --> 0:07:58.440 change when they're ready for change. When it impacts them 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:02.920 so badly that they're not changing, that's when they'll choose 0:08:02.960 --> 0:08:06.680 to change. Changing someone else is not within your control, 0:08:07.240 --> 0:08:10.680 and trying to find ways to do it can be exhausting. 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:15.480 So what I'd rather give you is signs that someone 0:08:15.600 --> 0:08:18.320 is likely to change, because often what we do is 0:08:18.320 --> 0:08:20.840 we keep asking the question can people change? And really 0:08:20.920 --> 0:08:24.320 it's the wrong question, because people can change, But is 0:08:24.360 --> 0:08:28.640 the person that you're with likely to change? Is the 0:08:28.680 --> 0:08:31.920 person that you're talking about likely to change? These are 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:36.680 the signs that they're likely to change, And that's a healthier, better, 0:08:36.840 --> 0:08:41.760 smarter question to ask, because what you're really asking when 0:08:41.760 --> 0:08:45.360 you ask can people change? Is my person going to change? 0:08:45.480 --> 0:08:47.920 Are they going to be different? And there are certain 0:08:47.960 --> 0:08:51.400 signs that point you in the right direction. The first 0:08:51.440 --> 0:08:56.319 one is they own up and take accountability and are 0:08:56.440 --> 0:09:01.280 self aware about not only what change is acquired, but 0:09:01.400 --> 0:09:04.719 why the change is required. Sometimes someone will say to you, 0:09:04.800 --> 0:09:07.480 I know I need to change. I know it isn't right, 0:09:07.840 --> 0:09:10.520 and we get so happy and elated that they acknowledged 0:09:10.559 --> 0:09:14.839 it that we take that acknowledgment as accountability. There's a difference. 0:09:15.520 --> 0:09:20.920 There is a difference between acknowledgment and accountability. Acknowledgment is 0:09:21.040 --> 0:09:27.600 recognizing something. Accountability is reconciling something. Let me say that again. 0:09:28.040 --> 0:09:35.200 Acknowledgment is recognizing something. Accountability is reconciling something. When you're 0:09:35.240 --> 0:09:39.560 accountable you actually have the ability to articulate what the 0:09:39.640 --> 0:09:44.240 problem is, why it exists, and how you're going to 0:09:44.320 --> 0:09:49.680 show up in the future. You're taking accountability for your actions, 0:09:50.000 --> 0:09:54.160 your behaviors, and you're able to see the connection between 0:09:54.200 --> 0:09:57.319 how you act and how it affects the other person. 0:09:57.679 --> 0:10:01.080 I promise you that most people that you're talking to 0:10:01.720 --> 0:10:06.480 are simply acknowledging the problem. They're not actually taking accountability. 0:10:06.520 --> 0:10:09.320 But because we don't know the difference, we assume they're 0:10:09.320 --> 0:10:12.240 the same thing. Now, assuming they're the same thing isn't 0:10:12.360 --> 0:10:14.680 a great idea, because if you assume that they're the 0:10:14.720 --> 0:10:18.800 same thing, then you think someone's taken accountability. But no 0:10:18.920 --> 0:10:24.120 accountability means I know how my actions affected you. I 0:10:24.200 --> 0:10:27.439 know why my actions affected you. I can articulate it, 0:10:27.760 --> 0:10:31.120 and I know how my actions affect you, and I 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:33.520 know which actions I need to change, and by the way, 0:10:33.920 --> 0:10:36.320 I know why I need to change them. I know 0:10:36.600 --> 0:10:41.480 why I am that way. Notice the difference between acknowledgment 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:47.200 and accountability. Now, once someone's taken accountability, they have to 0:10:47.280 --> 0:10:50.000 want to change. They have to have the proper motivation 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:55.439 to change, because just because someone can articulate and take 0:10:55.480 --> 0:11:00.480 accountability doesn't mean that they feel the need to. They 0:11:00.520 --> 0:11:02.959 have to feel that change is necessary. If you look 0:11:03.000 --> 0:11:08.679 at most humans, we only change when we believe something's necessary. Right. 0:11:09.000 --> 0:11:12.680 If we think something's going to end, we change. If 0:11:12.679 --> 0:11:16.480 we think something new is going to start, we change, right, 0:11:16.559 --> 0:11:19.000 We change when it happens. Most people want to get 0:11:19.000 --> 0:11:23.240 promoted before they change their performance, not realizing that you 0:11:23.280 --> 0:11:27.280 get a promotion because you changed your performance. There's a 0:11:27.320 --> 0:11:29.720 reason why the famous phrase of you don't know what 0:11:29.760 --> 0:11:32.920 you've got until it's gone, because we wait till we 0:11:33.000 --> 0:11:36.920 lose something to know we should have changed. That's how 0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:41.959 human behavior, in the human mind works is we constantly 0:11:42.080 --> 0:11:46.440 feel that until something's necessary, until something is required of me, 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:49.240 I won't do it. Until I feel the pressure to, 0:11:49.800 --> 0:11:52.240 I won't do it. What often we do is we 0:11:52.240 --> 0:11:54.360 try and put that pressure on that person to change. 0:11:54.440 --> 0:11:56.440 We try and force them to change, but we don't 0:11:56.480 --> 0:11:59.400 realize that if they change for us, but they don't 0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:03.880 know why they're changing, they may actually feel regret. I 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:06.720 like to think about this through a scenario. If someone 0:12:06.840 --> 0:12:12.520 changes for you, then that means that they didn't really 0:12:12.559 --> 0:12:16.280 go through the process within themselves. They haven't really looked 0:12:16.280 --> 0:12:19.280 at the value, and therefore they may actually be depressed 0:12:19.320 --> 0:12:22.040 about that change. They may be down about that change. 0:12:22.080 --> 0:12:24.680 They may not wish that change ever happened to them. 0:12:25.440 --> 0:12:28.560 I'll give you an example. RATHERI and me. Radi always 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:30.000 told me that all she wanted to do was live 0:12:30.000 --> 0:12:31.880 close to her family. And I wanted that for her 0:12:31.880 --> 0:12:33.640 because I love her family and I know how much 0:12:33.679 --> 0:12:36.400 she loves them. And then when I got the opportunity, 0:12:36.440 --> 0:12:40.400 of course, to move across the world, to change my career, 0:12:40.520 --> 0:12:42.679 change my life and do what I get to do today, 0:12:43.080 --> 0:12:45.240 and Rather, and I've already married, and it was a 0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:48.440 hard change for Radi, and I said to Radi that 0:12:48.520 --> 0:12:51.280 I didn't want her to move for me. I wanted 0:12:51.280 --> 0:12:53.439 her to do it because she saw value it and 0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:55.320 she could find it for herself. Now she had to 0:12:55.360 --> 0:12:58.199 adapt to that change. It was hard for her, and 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:00.800 I was trying my best to help her with that change. 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:03.400 I didn't want her to change, and I didn't want 0:13:03.440 --> 0:13:06.640 her to feel pressure to change, because I realized that 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:11.560 unless something comes from within, unless something comes from that person, 0:13:12.520 --> 0:13:15.760 they are never really going to fully commit to it. 0:13:16.400 --> 0:13:18.640 And that's what's really interesting. Sometimes we're trying to get 0:13:18.679 --> 0:13:21.120 people to change. On the surface, we're trying to get 0:13:21.120 --> 0:13:23.640 people to change in behavior for us, and we don't 0:13:23.679 --> 0:13:25.680 realize that when they do that, not only does it 0:13:25.760 --> 0:13:28.520 not stick, when it doesn't come from within, it doesn't 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:33.120 feel like it's meaningful to them. So they can't truly 0:13:33.720 --> 0:13:37.400 get behind that change long term, and they may even 0:13:37.440 --> 0:13:40.319 feel like it's your fault. They may feel like it's 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:42.360 a mistake. They may feel like it was the worst 0:13:42.360 --> 0:13:46.360 decision they made in the long term, and a lot 0:13:46.400 --> 0:13:50.640 of us have to recognize that change is something that 0:13:50.720 --> 0:13:53.400 has to come from within. They have to feel like 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:56.679 this new life will be good for them, but they 0:13:56.720 --> 0:13:59.520 have to know it in their language, with their reasons. 0:14:00.120 --> 0:14:03.840 They have to commit to that change. Is someone telling 0:14:03.840 --> 0:14:06.840 you they're going to change, or is someone showing you 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:13.439 the signs that they're ready to commit to change. Okay, 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:17.440 I am so excited about this because we've got the 0:14:17.520 --> 0:14:22.240 first ever merch drop for on Purpose. It's finally here 0:14:22.720 --> 0:14:26.239 and for World Mental Health. Today we're doing an exclusive 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:30.560 limited edition drop with all the proceeds going to the 0:14:30.680 --> 0:14:34.560 National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI. So now you can 0:14:34.600 --> 0:14:37.600 wear your on Purpose merch, listen to the podcast and 0:14:37.760 --> 0:14:40.280 know that you two are having an impact. I want 0:14:40.280 --> 0:14:42.400 to thank you so much in advance. I can't wait 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:45.960 to see all of your pictures wearing the merch, their sweatshirts, 0:14:46.000 --> 0:14:49.200 the hat t shirts. Check it out on our website, 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:55.880 jshetdyshop dot com. That's jshettshop dot com. And remember, one 0:14:55.960 --> 0:14:59.800 hundred percent of the proceeds go to NAMI. A lot 0:14:59.800 --> 0:15:02.240 of the people will say the right thing because they're 0:15:02.280 --> 0:15:05.520 people pleasers. They don't want to lose you. They want 0:15:05.520 --> 0:15:07.440 to say all the right things to hold on to you, 0:15:07.920 --> 0:15:12.000 But they haven't committed to that change right. They haven't 0:15:12.000 --> 0:15:16.560 put steps into place, they haven't had the awkward, uncomfortable conversations, 0:15:17.000 --> 0:15:19.920 they haven't stepped up and done the things that are 0:15:19.920 --> 0:15:22.800 hard for them is someone committing to change. And often 0:15:22.840 --> 0:15:24.320 what we do is we just keep going mad. We 0:15:24.400 --> 0:15:27.000 keep getting angry at them, saying I wish you to change. 0:15:27.000 --> 0:15:28.480 You keep telling me you're going to change, but you 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:33.280 don't change, but they're not committing to that action. One 0:15:33.320 --> 0:15:34.440 of the things I've been saying to a lot of 0:15:34.480 --> 0:15:37.920 people I know recently is don't expect change to happen 0:15:37.960 --> 0:15:41.280 in one therapy session. What we're often hoping is that 0:15:41.480 --> 0:15:46.400 lifetimes of work will become clear to someone through a 0:15:46.440 --> 0:15:49.480 couple of sessions of therapy. What I mean by that 0:15:49.720 --> 0:15:54.520 is our wiring is so deep. There are values that 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:58.360 we've held on too because of our childhood that don't 0:15:58.440 --> 0:16:02.760 just disappear because someone else presents a better idea. I'll 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:05.920 give an example, a silly example. If you've always put 0:16:06.000 --> 0:16:09.480 your cereal in the ball before your milk, by the way, 0:16:09.520 --> 0:16:13.840 that's the normal way, no judgment, right, and you start 0:16:13.920 --> 0:16:17.120 dating someone who puts milk in before the cereal, you 0:16:17.160 --> 0:16:19.720 don't just switch to doing that right now. That's a 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:22.280 really silly example. It's a really easy change. It doesn't 0:16:22.320 --> 0:16:25.640 make a difference. But if you think about it, there 0:16:25.680 --> 0:16:27.920 are things you think about first. Sometimes some of you 0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:30.680 think about money before you think about people, because that's 0:16:30.680 --> 0:16:33.160 how you were raised. You're not going to change that 0:16:33.240 --> 0:16:36.840 overnight because you start dating someone who thinks about people 0:16:36.880 --> 0:16:41.520 before money, even if it makes logical sense to that person. Right. 0:16:42.160 --> 0:16:46.720 People don't just change their values, their core belief systems 0:16:46.800 --> 0:16:50.880 overnight just because someone else's sounds good. Right, If someone 0:16:50.920 --> 0:16:54.200 believes I've been watching and I'm sure many of you 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:57.680 have seen it, monsters. Now, no matter what you believe, 0:16:57.840 --> 0:17:01.320 just taking this idea of even if someone's parents have 0:17:01.400 --> 0:17:04.520 done harm to them, have done them wrong, if they 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:07.359 love their parents and feel positively towards them because they 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:11.160 feel somehow, you know, whether it was they felt guilty, 0:17:11.200 --> 0:17:13.320 they felt shameful that they had to feel that way, 0:17:13.400 --> 0:17:15.800 that's how they were raised. They're not suddenly just going 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:18.760 to see the light because you made them aware of 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:22.000 a few things. Actually, it's very hard for people to 0:17:22.080 --> 0:17:25.600 admit that their parents have flaws, that there are challenges, 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:29.320 that there are you know, difficulties there. And you see 0:17:29.359 --> 0:17:35.040 that in the Menendez brothers, who struggle to recognize certain challenges. Now, 0:17:35.040 --> 0:17:37.399 whatever happened in that scenario, you get the point of 0:17:37.520 --> 0:17:42.720 making that it's not easy to acknowledge things that are 0:17:42.840 --> 0:17:47.520 so counterintuitive to the way you've been raised. Right, if 0:17:47.560 --> 0:17:51.159 your parents were savers not spenders, you're not suddenly going 0:17:51.240 --> 0:17:53.879 to realize that actually spending money meaningfully is better for you. 0:17:54.359 --> 0:17:55.960 It takes a lot of healing, it takes a lot 0:17:55.960 --> 0:17:59.280 of work, it takes a lot of unearthing, and so 0:17:59.440 --> 0:18:02.040 one there or a couple of therapy sessions or a 0:18:02.080 --> 0:18:04.600 month of therapy or coaching or whatever. Maybe won't make 0:18:04.600 --> 0:18:06.280 the change now by the way, you're all chipping away. 0:18:06.280 --> 0:18:09.200 But I think when we want someone to change, we're 0:18:09.280 --> 0:18:13.600 just hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting that they're just going to change. Now. 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:18.680 Signs that someone's changing is they start to course correct. 0:18:19.080 --> 0:18:21.399 When they say something to you that they realize is 0:18:21.440 --> 0:18:24.479 their old voice, they call it out. They say, wait 0:18:24.480 --> 0:18:27.240 a minute, I just realized that was my old voice speaking. 0:18:27.840 --> 0:18:33.840 They start to recognize how the smallest actions are a 0:18:33.920 --> 0:18:37.080 representation of their old self. And really that's what it is. 0:18:37.080 --> 0:18:41.560 You have to think about it as a transformation from 0:18:41.600 --> 0:18:47.400 an old to new self, right, And if someone's transforming 0:18:47.440 --> 0:18:50.000 from their old to new self, they will go between 0:18:50.119 --> 0:18:52.639 their old and new self. Often it's not like you 0:18:52.720 --> 0:18:54.840 transition once. It's almost like saying I'm going to create 0:18:54.880 --> 0:18:57.800 eating sugar. It's not like you never eat sugar again. Right. 0:18:57.800 --> 0:18:59.240 If you're like I'm going to be healthy out and 0:18:59.320 --> 0:19:02.280 work out, it doesn't mean you're never going to miss 0:19:02.280 --> 0:19:06.960 a workout again. And sometimes we hold people to really 0:19:07.720 --> 0:19:13.359 crazy high standards that doesn't make sense. Right. We want 0:19:13.400 --> 0:19:15.720 them to never ever oscillate, we want them to never 0:19:15.800 --> 0:19:19.600 ever fall back. The other way we know signs of 0:19:19.680 --> 0:19:24.000 change is are we trying to change? Are we trying 0:19:24.040 --> 0:19:27.400 to make a difference right? Are we willing to change 0:19:27.440 --> 0:19:30.040 as well? Are we able to do the same work 0:19:30.080 --> 0:19:33.359 that we're expecting this person to do. Are we willing 0:19:33.440 --> 0:19:37.080 to do that same work for ourselves and for this relationship. 0:19:37.400 --> 0:19:39.040 A lot of the time, it's really easy to point 0:19:39.080 --> 0:19:41.640 out where everyone else needs to change, but it's really 0:19:41.720 --> 0:19:44.159 hard to be conscious of where we need to change. 0:19:44.760 --> 0:19:47.480 And I think for a lot of us, we're trying 0:19:47.520 --> 0:19:50.680 to mold someone into being more like us. We want 0:19:50.720 --> 0:19:52.400 them to think like us, we want them to talk 0:19:52.520 --> 0:19:54.760 like us. Now, there may be certain value to that, 0:19:54.880 --> 0:19:58.000 like you may have some really great skills, and you 0:19:58.080 --> 0:20:02.119 may have some really great attributes, But are you willing 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:04.199 to change to some of their better attributes? Are you 0:20:04.320 --> 0:20:07.400 aware of their better attributes? Are you able to identify 0:20:07.480 --> 0:20:10.960 their better attributes? Or have you lost connection with them? 0:20:11.560 --> 0:20:15.159 There's a lot to be said for community and change. 0:20:15.720 --> 0:20:18.320 I find that if you're the only person reminding this 0:20:18.400 --> 0:20:22.400 person of the positive benefits of change, it's hard to change. 0:20:22.840 --> 0:20:26.240 We often need when we hear that phrase of we 0:20:26.320 --> 0:20:28.240 are the five people we spend the most time with. 0:20:28.320 --> 0:20:31.240 It's so true that someone will not change unless the 0:20:31.280 --> 0:20:33.520 people around them change. I've met so many people over 0:20:33.520 --> 0:20:36.719 the years who are part of a community who thinks 0:20:37.160 --> 0:20:39.320 in a very old fashioned way. They're not going to 0:20:39.440 --> 0:20:42.600 suddenly upgrade to a modern way of thinking. I'll give 0:20:42.600 --> 0:20:46.720 an example in mining community. Back at home, it's not 0:20:46.960 --> 0:20:49.520 normal for our husband and wife to travel separately. So 0:20:49.600 --> 0:20:52.159 often to me and Raley travel separately a lot, and 0:20:52.240 --> 0:20:54.200 sometimes I'm at an event and she's not. Sometimes she's 0:20:54.240 --> 0:20:56.160 at an event and I'm not, And people will always 0:20:56.160 --> 0:20:59.240 be like, there's everything okay? Because in that world, even 0:20:59.280 --> 0:21:01.520 if you're arguing in the car before you pull up 0:21:01.560 --> 0:21:04.639 to the wedding event, even if you argue on the 0:21:04.640 --> 0:21:07.320 way home from the birthday party, because you came and 0:21:07.400 --> 0:21:11.280 left together, it's seen as positive. Right. Let me just 0:21:11.320 --> 0:21:14.399 explain that again. People always ask me and Rabi, is 0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:17.399 everything okay? Because we often don't show up to the 0:21:17.400 --> 0:21:21.359 same events together because we're both busy, and people would 0:21:21.480 --> 0:21:24.879 rather argue on the way to a wedding or fight 0:21:24.920 --> 0:21:27.879 on the way back just to show that they came 0:21:28.040 --> 0:21:31.280 and left together in order to prove to society that 0:21:31.320 --> 0:21:35.440 they have a healthy relationship then actually having a healthy relationship, 0:21:35.920 --> 0:21:40.320 and so the perception in that society is togetherness. Are 0:21:40.359 --> 0:21:42.600 you arriving and leaving together is the sign of a 0:21:42.600 --> 0:21:46.920 healthy relationship. Now, that perception doesn't change overnight. That's a 0:21:46.960 --> 0:21:50.760 deep seated belief, as ridiculous as it sounds, that that 0:21:50.880 --> 0:21:54.320 is what a successful relationship is. And so people live 0:21:54.400 --> 0:21:57.600 up to that falsehood, and people live up to that 0:21:58.040 --> 0:22:02.200 fake level of quality of a relationship rather than one 0:22:02.240 --> 0:22:06.439 with good communication and respect and boundaries and permission to 0:22:06.520 --> 0:22:09.800 be who we are. So that's just not going to 0:22:09.880 --> 0:22:11.720 change over now, like someone's not going to change their 0:22:11.800 --> 0:22:15.800 view overnight of what's seen as a healthy marriage is 0:22:15.840 --> 0:22:20.080 a healthy relationship. And I think this hits very closely 0:22:20.160 --> 0:22:23.280 to why I partnered up with match and what I 0:22:23.359 --> 0:22:27.800 really found was I wanted to create a space where 0:22:27.880 --> 0:22:32.040 people could connect based on their values. And this was 0:22:32.160 --> 0:22:35.480 really really important to me because I feel that everything 0:22:35.520 --> 0:22:40.000 I'm saying here is because we don't realize that our 0:22:40.080 --> 0:22:44.480 core values have such a big impact in terms of 0:22:44.560 --> 0:22:48.119 long term success. If you ignore core values, you're thinking 0:22:48.160 --> 0:22:51.280 in the next five months. If you take on core values, 0:22:51.440 --> 0:22:54.119 you're living in the next five years, and for anyone 0:22:54.160 --> 0:22:59.000 who's interested and invested in building a long term, long lasting, 0:22:59.280 --> 0:23:03.800 powerful relation relationship, this mindset is huge. Ninety three percent 0:23:03.800 --> 0:23:07.640 of match members say that shared core values are a 0:23:07.680 --> 0:23:12.879 crucial indicator of relationship success. And if I'm completely honest, 0:23:13.359 --> 0:23:17.440 most people have never even looked at these ideas. Most 0:23:17.440 --> 0:23:21.000 people have never even had the opportunity, the time, the space, 0:23:21.119 --> 0:23:26.359 the energy given these thoughts a moment of thought. Most 0:23:26.359 --> 0:23:31.720 people have never even had the option to say, Okay, 0:23:31.760 --> 0:23:33.119 well let me just take a look at this for 0:23:33.119 --> 0:23:35.399 a second, like how do I feel about this? What 0:23:35.560 --> 0:23:37.680 are my beliefs about this? Most people have never even 0:23:37.720 --> 0:23:41.000 done that. So, when you're in a relationship with someone, 0:23:41.640 --> 0:23:44.400 you're actually going through the process of making someone aware 0:23:44.560 --> 0:23:46.439 of the process they need to go through. It's not 0:23:46.520 --> 0:23:48.760 even like you know, are you ready to change? Do 0:23:48.800 --> 0:23:51.120 you know you need to change? It's almost like you've 0:23:51.119 --> 0:23:53.440 got to start from scratch with yourself and the other 0:23:53.480 --> 0:23:56.439 person of like, are we even living the life we want? 0:23:56.920 --> 0:23:59.480 Do you know what your values? Are? We conscious? So 0:23:59.560 --> 0:24:02.040 the question isn't do you know you need to change? 0:24:02.040 --> 0:24:04.840 You know you're wrong, right? You know there's parts of 0:24:04.880 --> 0:24:08.119 you that just meant like that's not the conversation. The 0:24:08.200 --> 0:24:12.960 conversation is, Hey, do we know where this relationship is going? 0:24:13.000 --> 0:24:16.400 Do we know what choices we've made? Are we aware 0:24:16.480 --> 0:24:19.600 of what this unfolds like? Have we talked about our 0:24:19.600 --> 0:24:22.120