Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Wow, how little friends, it's me,
Speaker 1: don't say. And today we're gonna learn how the government works. Now,
Speaker 1: most civics classes will teach you about the President and
Speaker 1: Supreme Court and Congress and blah blah blah. But you
Speaker 1: don't need to know any of that. Hell, the biggest
Speaker 1: thing Congress does for you has flooded your inbox every
Speaker 1: fifteen minutes. The future of the world depends on me
Speaker 1: sending ten bucks to some dumbass and Rhode Island. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell you about the parts of the government you'll
Speaker 1: meet and feel like. Let's start with the T s A.
Speaker 1: That's the part of the government in charge of feeling
Speaker 1: you up and confiscating your little shampoo bottles filled with Hennessy.
Speaker 1: Here's the tip, kids, always drink your booze before you
Speaker 1: get on the flight. M And do you know how
Speaker 1: the T s A gets away with harassing us like this?
Speaker 1: Just because the men? That's so damn fun. Next, we've
Speaker 1: got the I R S. You know how the mafia
Speaker 1: collects protection money. This is sort of like the same thing.
Speaker 1: You see, whatever you make, the government wants a taste,
Speaker 1: and the I R s are the guys who come
Speaker 1: to get it. But don't worry, the government will use
Speaker 1: that money for important things like drones and studies to
Speaker 1: see if they can grow corn on the sun. Next
Speaker 1: the FBI. Unless you're mobbed up, you're probably not gonna
Speaker 1: hear much from these guys. They're busy working on a
Speaker 1: backlog of cases from people who copy the VHS tape
Speaker 1: in nine seven. Because if there's one thing the FEDS
Speaker 1: hate more than al Kata, it's bootlegs of dirty dancing.
Speaker 1: There's also the c i A. They're the ones selling
Speaker 1: drugs in your community. Let's move on to the judiciary,
Speaker 1: or as I call it, courtship. No matter who you are,
Speaker 1: you're gonna be in long battle against the justice system.
Speaker 1: For some of you would be avoiding jail, but for
Speaker 1: most of you it will be avoiding jury duty. Court
Speaker 1: is also where you go to get married and where
Speaker 1: you go back to to get divorced and redefend yourself
Speaker 1: against grant them auto charges because he said the Fort
Speaker 1: Explore was his, but you would have won making the payments.
Speaker 1: And speaking of cars, let's move on to the d
Speaker 1: m V. That's where you go to renew your license.
Speaker 1: You'll wait in a long ass line next to all
Speaker 1: the weirdest people who live in your county. In fact,
Speaker 1: I'm in a d m V line right now. After this,
Speaker 1: I'm headed over to the State Department, because that's where
Speaker 1: you get your passport, the document that has the smallest
Speaker 1: first picture you've ever taken. Oh, don't worry, you only
Speaker 1: have to look at it for ten years. What else, Oh,
Speaker 1: the Department of Education. They're in charge of teaching you
Speaker 1: the basics, like where to hide during a school shooting.
Speaker 1: Other than that, they don't teach you ship, which is
Speaker 1: why I'm here teaching you on my day off. They
Speaker 1: could have more funding, but America needs that money for
Speaker 1: the Defense Department. They're the ones out there enforcing the
Speaker 1: American Empire so you can maintain your way of life.
Speaker 1: Oh y'all didn't think I was gonna get real, did you.
Speaker 1: If you're a male over the age of eighteen, the
Speaker 1: military will make you register for the draft, but not
Speaker 1: if you're a woman. And that's fine with me. I'm
Speaker 1: the kind of feminist that wants to be a CEO,
Speaker 1: not a gunnery sergeant. And that's basically most of government.
Speaker 1: You interact with there's other agencies. You got the e
Speaker 1: p A, FEMA, the deep state, but we'll get to
Speaker 1: them another time. Right now, I gotta go get my license.
Speaker 1: M H. What's the Daily Show? Weeknights at eleven tenth
Speaker 1: Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on
Speaker 1: Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast