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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and Imheart Radio podcast.

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Speaker 2: Okay, there's a therapist who's what with over one hundred couples,

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Speaker 2: right yep, and she's narrowed it down the five of

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Speaker 2: the most annoying habits.

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Speaker 1: That she's es in.

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Speaker 2: Relationships are part of destructural relationships. Okay, boss one.

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Speaker 3: Assuming your partner can read your mind.

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Speaker 1: So instead of expressing their needs clearly, many people expect

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Speaker 1: their partners to know exactly what they need when they

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Speaker 1: need it. But this is an easy way to set

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Speaker 1: yourself up for disappointment. Psychologists refer to it as illusion

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Speaker 1: of transparency, a cognitive bias where people assume that their

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Speaker 1: emotions and desires are obvious to others when they really aren't. And,

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Speaker 1: according to research, overestimating how much your partner knows about

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Speaker 1: your internal thoughts can be harmful and lead to resentment

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Speaker 1: since communication is the foundation of a strong, healthy relationship.

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Speaker 2: Thoughts thoughts put a big guilty.

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Speaker 1: Would you like to explain?

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Speaker 2: I'm not really sure I can fully explain it, but

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Speaker 2: I I assume that I assume that you know things,

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Speaker 2: or that you should you should know things, or read

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Speaker 2: my mind. And it's almost like a it's almost like

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Speaker 2: an arrogance, but an accidental arrogance where I'm not I'm

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Speaker 2: not trying to be arrogant. I just think that because

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Speaker 2: you're highly intelligent, we know each other well, I just

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Speaker 2: assume that you you should pick up on it or

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Speaker 2: you should know. So that's for it as a as

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Speaker 2: part as part arrogance and probably part ego. But I'm

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Speaker 2: I'm very I'm very guilty of this. I expect you

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Speaker 2: to I expect you to know when I'm in a

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Speaker 2: good mood or they're not so good mood, or need

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Speaker 2: a cuddle or.

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Speaker 3: Need a kick up the ass.

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Speaker 1: And what do you hear from me? A lot they

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Speaker 1: hear from you with regards to that, I'm not really sure. Well,

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Speaker 1: a lot of times in those moments, I'll be like,

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Speaker 1: maybe I can't read your mind, I don't know what

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Speaker 1: you need you have to communicate.

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Speaker 2: And part of that is because I go quiet and

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Speaker 2: those those moments. But I assume when I go quiet,

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Speaker 2: you should know that, Okay, yeah, he needs he needs a.

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Speaker 1: Hug, right yeah. And I think that is and I

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Speaker 1: think it's because I have heard this so many times

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Speaker 1: from a therapist, and I have done couple's therapy in

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Speaker 1: the past, and so one of the main things is

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Speaker 1: like you and I learned that because I always the

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Speaker 1: same thing, like I always saw, I'm like, why can't

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Speaker 1: they understand that I need X, Y and Z.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but it's a good name the illusion of transparency, right.

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Speaker 1: But clearly, like you, you don't know what I need

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Speaker 1: or what I'm thinking, no matter how long we've been

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Speaker 1: together or not. I think it's still something so important

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Speaker 1: for couples. And that's where I do say a lot

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Speaker 1: to you. It's like, how am I supposed to know

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Speaker 1: that unless you tell me? And I know sometimes it's

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Speaker 1: hard because we want the other person to just give

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Speaker 1: us a hug, because that's what we would hope that

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Speaker 1: they would do. But also when there are potential different moods,

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Speaker 1: it's like I don't know what you need and truly

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Speaker 1: in that moment. So sometimes helping guide the person like hey,

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Speaker 1: this is what I really could use, which is why

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Speaker 1: I think check ins are so great.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think it's also tough before we move

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Speaker 3: on to the next one.

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Speaker 2: The thing, it's really easy for you to assume that

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Speaker 2: the other person might need dest just because that's what

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Speaker 2: you need in those situations exactly when it's not necessarily right.

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Speaker 1: Because you might need comfort in those situations and I

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Speaker 1: might need space or vice versa. So it's it's very hard.

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Speaker 3: Okay, Next one's a good one. Number two. Keeping score.

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Speaker 1: Healthy relationships can quickly turn sour when couples start toweling

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Speaker 1: up each other's good deeds and missteps. Once one or

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Speaker 1: both partners keep score, the relationship eventually turns into a competition,

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Speaker 1: and sadly, one person usually comes up short. Researchers show

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Speaker 1: that keeping track of who did what in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: whether it's chores, favor, or sacrifices, almost always results in

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Speaker 1: in debtness. This, in turn, can also diminish gratitude.

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Speaker 3: I don't think we've much of anshue with keeping score.

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Speaker 1: No, I think the only thing that I can call

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Speaker 1: out to myself since you called out yourself in the

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Speaker 1: first one, I I'll bring up like you know you

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Speaker 1: said this that.

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Speaker 3: What do you call it? You keep?

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Speaker 1: It's like the list where I'm like, I know, but

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Speaker 1: I told you I deleted it, but I did I had.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, it's like it was negative, it was just

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Speaker 1: you know. I'm like I don't don't need to have

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Speaker 1: that on there. But I would be like, well you

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Speaker 1: said this last August, there's no need. But I think

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Speaker 1: that's the the piece where But I don't think keeping score.

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Speaker 1: I don't think we. I think though, what I will

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Speaker 1: say is the there are things that it's it's hard

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Speaker 1: because we we do a lot of different things. Right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so one might and it's like I think sometimes you

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Speaker 1: get really single focused on what you need to accomplish

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Speaker 1: as opposed to all of it is that it's not

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Speaker 1: keeping score.

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Speaker 3: No, but actually tell me I'm selfish.

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Speaker 1: No, I think you said that. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: put words in your mouth.

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Speaker 3: There's a differently.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a there's a difference between being focused and selfish.

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Speaker 2: But they can really they can cross over at times,

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Speaker 2: so I think is important for them not to cross over.

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Speaker 2: The keeping score one reminds me of that. You're not

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Speaker 2: at social media clip that you see at the moment

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Speaker 2: where the guy's setting them with these messes and he's like,

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Speaker 2: I want to make a public apology because they've made

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Speaker 2: a second video, haven't they. I want to make a

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Speaker 2: public apology because on Wednesday I didn't breathe properly brief

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Speaker 2: to it.

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Speaker 3: Yes, okay. Number three passive aggressive behavior.

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Speaker 2: Passive aggressive behavior as a sure fire way to express

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Speaker 2: the satisfaction with a partner without actually solving the problem.

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Speaker 2: Imagine your partner being upset with you and choosing to

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Speaker 2: let you know by withholding affection or making subtle jobs.

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Speaker 1: So we all know passive aggressive and I think we're

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Speaker 1: both guilty of it.

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Speaker 3: We are.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I don't like it. No, It's probably one

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Speaker 1: of my least favorite qualities about myself. I don't like

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Speaker 1: that I can be passive. But I think it's just

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Speaker 1: an overwhelm that is why it can come out. I

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Speaker 1: think I've gotten better, but I still think it's something

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Speaker 1: that I have to work on. But I think it

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Speaker 1: comes in moments of overwhelm. Like when I'm not overwhelmed,

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Speaker 1: I'm not passive, but when I feel overwhelmed, I go passive.

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Speaker 1: Whereas you like to call it I strung. Yeah, what

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Speaker 1: about you? What do you think?

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Speaker 3: Am I guilty of this? One hundred percent? I love

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Speaker 3: an iroll?

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Speaker 1: Oh, it drives me nuts.

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Speaker 2: I love an iroll, or a lift of the eyebrows,

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Speaker 2: or a bite of the cheek, a.

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Speaker 1: Bite of the cheek. What do you think would be

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Speaker 1: helpful for you to not do.

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Speaker 2: That, just to well not even have more awareness of

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Speaker 2: around it, because I know that I know I do it.

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Speaker 2: I think it's just controlling your emotions at a thing,

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Speaker 2: a bit of more emotional intelligence and emotional maturity at times,

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Speaker 2: because I know how much it pisses me off when

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Speaker 2: you're passive aggressive, So why would I want to do

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Speaker 2: it to you?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 2: But then it becomes an ego thing because I don't

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Speaker 2: maybe I don't want to back down in that situation.

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Speaker 2: But yeah, I think we're both guilty of that and

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Speaker 2: it's something that we need to both make improvements on.

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Speaker 1: The fourth is backseat driving their life. Constant constantly being

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Speaker 1: told how to handle your job, hobbies, or even your

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Speaker 1: friendships will leave you feeling controlled and condescended. No one

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Speaker 1: likes unsolicited advice, nor does anyone want to feel like

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Speaker 1: they're being managed, especially in their own relationship. Relationship satisfaction

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Speaker 1: plummets once a partnership starts feeling like a parent child dynamic,

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Speaker 1: which happens quickly once helpfulness morphs into perpetual backseat driving.

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Speaker 1: The line between constructive feedback and hostile criticism can easily

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Speaker 1: can be easy to overstep, and according to research, the

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Speaker 1: latter can lead to lowered relationship satisfaction.

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Speaker 2: Totally agree, Yeah, yeah, nothings. No, those are absolutely enough

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Speaker 2: and woss.

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Speaker 1: I think one of the greatest quotes that I learned

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Speaker 1: from a therapist was to respond to a partner do

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Speaker 1: you want me to listen or do you want me

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Speaker 1: to help? Because I think those are two very different things,

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Speaker 1: and I think for guys a lot, they want to

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Speaker 1: just fix or and help as opposed to like, I

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Speaker 1: literally just want you to listen. I don't need you

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Speaker 1: to defend it, help me fix it, whatever like that is.

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Speaker 1: That's always been my favorite.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So are you guilty of this or not?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I think there's I mean, you like

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Speaker 1: to tell me how to drive, That's what I was

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Speaker 1: gonna say. I was like, when it comes to driving, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: because I don't think you're there are times when I'm like,

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Speaker 1: you are going to slam us in the back of

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Speaker 1: that car.

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Speaker 3: When more three hundred and fifty five yards away.

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Speaker 1: No, but like there are times when you kind of

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Speaker 1: stare off in space. I'm like, are you seeing this?

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Speaker 1: And I do believe at times if I don't do that.

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Speaker 1: So now that I know that you do that, I

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Speaker 1: then feel like I have to be even more alert

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Speaker 1: when we're driving, and I don't. I mean, I don't

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Speaker 1: like that, but I'm also like, would you have stopped

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Speaker 1: if I didn't say I give that? Give it like emotion.

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Speaker 1: In England when we had the you ran into the back.

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Speaker 3: I did not run into the back of someone.

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Speaker 1: Yes you did.

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Speaker 3: That was in the car.

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Speaker 2: We will stop at a set of lights and we

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Speaker 2: will stop, and I took my foot off the brake

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Speaker 2: and it nudged into the person in front.

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Speaker 1: Right. But there's been so many cases where you said okay,

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Speaker 1: well thank you. I didn't see that, like up in

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Speaker 1: Michigan when those random four way stops and I'm like, babe,

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Speaker 1: bye bye baye bed.

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Speaker 2: I'm still not fully used to stop signs because because

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Speaker 2: some of the stop signings there's no road markings. It's

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Speaker 2: just a bloody sign with no road markings.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, well that is why I am hyper sensitive when

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Speaker 1: we drive and you don't like it.

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Speaker 3: I just don't like being told how to do something.

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Speaker 1: You don't like two child to do anything.

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Speaker 3: No, I don't, So.

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Speaker 1: That makes for household George super fun around.

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Speaker 2: Here, it does okay. Number five listening for the sake

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Speaker 2: of responding.

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Speaker 3: This is a really good one.

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Speaker 2: Actually, I never thought about this until I read it.

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Speaker 2: One of the most negligent things a partner can do

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Speaker 2: is listen purely for the sake of preparing their next response,

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Speaker 2: rather than actively listening.

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Speaker 3: This is a good one.

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Speaker 2: And if you aren't learning, exploring, or absorbing yourself and

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Speaker 2: what your partner is truly saying, research suggests that you'll

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Speaker 2: only come across as arrogant, not helpful. The happiest couples

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Speaker 2: lessen to each other with the goal of understanding, not

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Speaker 2: just to give their two cents on the matha. This

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Speaker 2: must be one of the most common ones. Like I'm

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Speaker 2: listening to you, but I'm prepping my response, like I'm

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Speaker 2: loading the bullets.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes yes, that, and then sometimes I don't feel like

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Speaker 1: you listen where I am like, and then I say

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Speaker 1: my passive comment, I feel like I'm talking to a

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Speaker 1: wall because you get so focused, like last week, yeah

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Speaker 1: it was a nightmare?

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Speaker 3: Was amare something?

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Speaker 1: You were a nightmare? It's just and I know you, like,

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Speaker 1: I know you get so laser focused, but it's like

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Speaker 1: you don't have an off switch, And in those moments

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Speaker 1: when you're just so lasered in that it's like no

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Speaker 1: matter what I say, or it's just you kind of

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Speaker 1: give me this blank stare and then you just like

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Speaker 1: walk away into and.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, okay, making me sound like a monster.

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Speaker 1: No no, no, no no no. But like it's just

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Speaker 1: I think it's a guy thing. It's not like you

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Speaker 1: are an amazing husband. And I think men focus on

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Speaker 1: what they have to focus on when women can, Yes,

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Speaker 1: they can focus, or they can do a lot of

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Speaker 1: different little baskets in their brain.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but my focus as different baskets.

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Speaker 1: But it's just your baskets. Yeah. So but yes, when

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Speaker 1: you when I think when you get super locked in,

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Speaker 1: you're you're not the best listener. But I mean I

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Speaker 1: can do the same at times too, probably a.

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Speaker 2: Lot less than me, I think. I think a lot

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Speaker 2: of that is lessening for the sake of being a response.

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Speaker 2: Is an ego thing, or you want to either want

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Speaker 2: to lose, you want to take, not control the situation.

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Speaker 1: But would you say you're more defensive than me.

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Speaker 2: I think we're both defensive, but I think I'm probably

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Speaker 2: more defensive quicker quick to get angry. I got, Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I'm probably more defensive because I'm okaind of wild for

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Speaker 2: like coaching and playing and right, but yeah, I'm probably

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Speaker 2: more defensive.

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Speaker 1: I think the to be said for all these though,

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Speaker 1: are these are five areas that I think are knowing

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Speaker 1: for like for each person in a relationship. So I

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Speaker 1: think where I think it's a good reflection and I

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Speaker 1: think truly the basis of all this is to is

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Speaker 1: to is communication and listening and if we really listen

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Speaker 1: to our partners ask for what they need. But also

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Speaker 1: it's our That's what I kind of say to you,

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Speaker 1: and I think that's one of the things that I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I I want you to tell me what you need,

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Speaker 1: and it's important for you to tell me, not just

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Speaker 1: for me to make up or me to solve or

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Speaker 1: me to fix or like you are you have you

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Speaker 1: have to help me with that and I have to

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Speaker 1: help you with that.

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Speaker 3: You know, agreed.

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Speaker 1: So I think these were really and.

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Speaker 3: I think this is.

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Speaker 2: These five points are I think they're good to talk about,

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Speaker 2: but I think the it's good to normalize them because

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Speaker 2: every couple in the world are going through these five points.

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Speaker 1: Oh for sure, and as wildly in love that I

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Speaker 1: am with you, there's still things that we go through

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Speaker 1: the same communication troubles that any couple would go through.

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Speaker 1: I was just talking to someone today it's just married

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Speaker 1: for thirty years, and she's like, oh, it's like it's hard.

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Speaker 1: It's like I still I still have to remind him

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Speaker 1: that this bother and it's just like, I think it's

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Speaker 1: just normal for relationships to have to go through communication

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Speaker 1: issues and ask for what ask for what you need,

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Speaker 1: no matter if it's been thirty years or one year,

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Speaker 1: and to know that that's normal. But as long as

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Speaker 1: you stay a team and you don't keep building up

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Speaker 1: the resentment, the relationship can be a beautiful place. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: ask for what you need. Listen not to respond, and

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Speaker 1: they'll backseat drive and make sure you tell your husband, well,

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Speaker 1: whoa whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa put your leg up

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Speaker 1: because they need it. They will run into something if not.

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Speaker 1: I stand by it, and I don't care.

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Speaker 3: I love you, Love you,