Speaker 1: Stop ignoring red flags. You ignored the red flags because
Speaker 1: being chosen felt better than being alone. You ignored the
Speaker 1: red flags because your timeline like the photos. You ignored
Speaker 1: the red flags because you thought love was supposed to hurt.
Speaker 1: The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Setty Jay Shetty.
Speaker 2: Jet.
Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. It's great to
Speaker 1: have you back here. Make sure you've subscribed so you
Speaker 1: never miss an episode. I'm so glad that this year
Speaker 1: we started to film these solo episodes and it's been
Speaker 1: incredible to see your engagement on them. Make sure you
Speaker 1: leave your comment, leave any questions you have. I'm always
Speaker 1: sifting through, and make sure you passed this video one
Speaker 1: to a friend or family member who may be struggling now.
Speaker 1: In the last week, I've had calls from three different
Speaker 1: people who were all broken up with and each and
Speaker 1: every single one of them is completely heartbroken. Every single
Speaker 1: one of them is said to me, they didn't see
Speaker 1: this coming. Every single one of them is said to me,
Speaker 1: they think it's their fault. And every single one of
Speaker 1: them is saying to me they wish it would work out,
Speaker 1: They wish it could be good again, they wish they
Speaker 1: could be with this person again. And it's so heartbreaking
Speaker 1: to see how when someone breaks up with us, we
Speaker 1: immediately blame ourselves. We ignore red flags, we lose our
Speaker 1: self awareness because we're not only taking responsibility for the
Speaker 1: failure of the relationship, we're also taking all the accountability.
Speaker 1: So what I wanted to create for you in this
Speaker 1: video was a NOBS direct, clear talking approach to what
Speaker 1: to do if you're going through a breakup. I think
Speaker 1: breakups can be the most difficult thing in the world,
Speaker 1: and if you've just been through one right now, the
Speaker 1: reason why it's so painful is it affects your confidence,
Speaker 1: It affects your future, It affects your self worth, and
Speaker 1: it affects your loneliness and connection. It affects you on
Speaker 1: the deepest emotional, spiritual level because it challenges you and
Speaker 1: your worth to your very core. So if you know
Speaker 1: someone going through this, passed us along to them, and
Speaker 1: if you're someone who's going through it, make notes and
Speaker 1: listen carefully. One of the things people don't realize about
Speaker 1: a breakup is that you're actually going through grief. You're
Speaker 1: going through grief of what you thought you'd have with
Speaker 1: this person. You're going through the grief of who you
Speaker 1: thought this person was. You're going through the grief of
Speaker 1: who you were with this person. There is a lot
Speaker 1: of grief wrapped up into a breakup. And here's the
Speaker 1: first step. We need to learn to grieve without the
Speaker 1: fair detail filter. A lot of us we grieve with
Speaker 1: the fairy tale filter. We grieve what they promised us.
Speaker 1: We grieve what we wished we'd have with them. We
Speaker 1: grieve the potential, the dream state we created in our
Speaker 1: minds with this person. And therefore, the first step is
Speaker 1: stop idealizing what it wasn't. Your brain is wired to
Speaker 1: romanticize the past, especially after rejection. It's called rosy retrospection
Speaker 1: Gilbert and Wilson, two thousand. Rosy retrospection is this nostalgia
Speaker 1: that we all have, all the good old days, all
Speaker 1: that beautiful first date, oh that one anniversary, all that
Speaker 1: one birthday. Your mind creates this rosy retrospection about these
Speaker 1: simple moments that maybe you haven't thought about but all
Speaker 1: of a sudden come fl back. But here's the truth.
Speaker 1: You're not missing them. You're missing the version of them
Speaker 1: you hoped existed. You're not missing them, you're missing the
Speaker 1: future they promised you. You're not missing them. You're missing
Speaker 1: who you thought they could become. You're not missing them,
Speaker 1: You're missing how you felt when you believed it was real.
Speaker 1: You're not missing them, You're missing the version of you
Speaker 1: that existed when you thought they loved you. You're not
Speaker 1: missing them, You're missing the story you were writing in
Speaker 1: your head. You're not missing them. You're missing the moments
Speaker 1: that made you forget the truth. Remember, you're not missing them.
Speaker 1: You're missing the comfort of certainty, even if it was fake.
Speaker 1: You're not missing them, You're missing the illusion that they
Speaker 1: were right for you. And this is so painful to acknowledge,
Speaker 1: which is why we push it off. It's why we
Speaker 1: avoid it. We never want to accept that we have
Speaker 1: been sold a promise world. The majority of people that
Speaker 1: I've spoken to that were broken up with were more
Speaker 1: in love with the promise the person gave them than
Speaker 1: the reality they experienced. They were more in love with
Speaker 1: the dream that they wished for than the reality they experienced.
Speaker 1: They were more inspired by the potential of that person
Speaker 1: than the reality of that person. We all focus on
Speaker 1: the promise, the dream, and the potential more than the reality.
Speaker 1: The clarity and the truth. We have to come back
Speaker 1: down to earth. The quicker you can be honest with yourself,
Speaker 1: the quicker you can heal. I'm not saying speed is important,
Speaker 1: but if you're someone who wants to move forward, it
Speaker 1: will take that approach. Here's what I want you to do.
Speaker 1: Write down what actually happened, what they actually did, and
Speaker 1: what they didn't do as well. See it clearly no
Speaker 1: edits no fantasy, just facts. Clarity is closure you give
Speaker 1: yourself and you can only do that with facts, not fantasy.
Speaker 1: Most people, when I asked them, how is the relationship,
Speaker 1: They'll say, you know, we were going to move in together.
Speaker 1: You know, we were gonna get a dog together. You
Speaker 1: know what we were gonna we were gonna, you know,
Speaker 1: get married, Like that's what we And I was like, yes,
Speaker 1: but what was the relationship? Like, No, it's the difference, right,
Speaker 1: that's not the relationship. That's what you hoped was going
Speaker 1: to happen in the future. What was the relationship, like, well,
Speaker 1: we pretty much argued every couple of weeks. I always
Speaker 1: felt distant, you know, over the last few months, I
Speaker 1: kind of just felt like we weren't connecting. Oh, so
Speaker 1: that's what the relationship was like, so you don't miss
Speaker 1: that because that sounds uncomfortable. The three most important things
Speaker 1: in a romantic relationship are this to feel safe, to
Speaker 1: feel seen, and to feel supported. If you don't feel safe,
Speaker 1: you don't have a foundation. When you walk into a building,
Speaker 1: when you walk into a home, when you're even walking
Speaker 1: down a street. The first thing you think about is safety.
Speaker 1: You don't want to hurt yourself. When you enter a
Speaker 1: new relationship, ask yourself, does this person make me feel safe?
Speaker 1: Do I feel that they're reliable? Do I feel like
Speaker 1: they make me feel safe? Secure? The second is do
Speaker 1: they make me feel seen? Are they present? Are they listening?
Speaker 1: Are they curious about me? Do I feel seen when
Speaker 1: I'm with them for who I am? Or do I
Speaker 1: feel forced to project another version of myself? And the
Speaker 1: third is do I feel supported? Do I feel supported
Speaker 1: in my goals? Do I feel supported in my search?
Speaker 1: And am I willing to do all three for them?
Speaker 1: When I speak to people going through a breakup and
Speaker 1: I ask them what their relationship was really like, more
Speaker 1: often than not, most people feel two out of the
Speaker 1: three were not happening. People didn't feel safe, and they
Speaker 1: didn't feel seen even if they felt supported. They didn't
Speaker 1: feel seen or supported even though they say they feel safe.
Speaker 1: Look at the facts, not the fiction. Focus on the facts,
Speaker 1: not the fantasy. Step number two is interrupt the obsession loop.
Speaker 1: When you speak to someone who's gone through a breakup,
Speaker 1: they need to talk about the same thing multiple times.
Speaker 1: That's normal, by the way, that's how our mind processes.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we need to say the same thing in the
Speaker 1: same way, and someone else is thinking, what is going
Speaker 1: on here? But our brain is almost washing it right.
Speaker 1: Think about it like a washing machine. A piece of
Speaker 1: clothing doesn't just go in the washing machine once and
Speaker 1: come out clean. The washing machine has to roll again
Speaker 1: and again and again and tumble again and again and
Speaker 1: again to get the dirt out. That's kind of how
Speaker 1: our brain works. That's how our mind functions. We have
Speaker 1: to continue to wash a thought to rinse it of
Speaker 1: the dirt and for it to be clean. So if
Speaker 1: you're repeating your thoughts again and again and again out loud,
Speaker 1: I promise you you haven't gone crazy. I promise you
Speaker 1: you haven't gone mad. It is the cleansing, detoxing process.
Speaker 1: But at some point we have to interrupt the obsession loop,
Speaker 1: because what happens, just as with an item of clothing,
Speaker 1: after forty minutes, it has to come out of the
Speaker 1: washing machine. If it stays in there for a another round,
Speaker 1: it may get stuck in there, it may start to
Speaker 1: lose the quality of the material, it may start to
Speaker 1: stretch right. It's not ideal for it to stay in
Speaker 1: that process. So there is a moment where we have
Speaker 1: to interrupt that obsession loop. How do you know to
Speaker 1: do that? It's not a timing. You can't say that's
Speaker 1: gonna happen in one month. You can't say I'm going
Speaker 1: to do it after one week. You're going to know
Speaker 1: if you're present with the repetitive thoughts. At one point,
Speaker 1: you're going to say I need to move on. If
Speaker 1: you've practiced number one, you'll know when to do number two.
Speaker 1: Remember you're not weak for not moving on, you're chemically hooked.
Speaker 1: Breakups trigger the same brain regions as drug withdrawal. Every
Speaker 1: time you stalk their feed, replay a memory, or wonder
Speaker 1: what you did wrong, you strengthen the loop. Stop looking
Speaker 1: at your ex's social media. They're not your future. Stop
Speaker 1: checking who they're with. It won't help you. Heal. Stop
Speaker 1: watching their stories like they'll suddenly make sense. Stop searching
Speaker 1: for signs they miss you. They don't post about their grief.
Speaker 1: Stop waiting for closure from someone who walked away without it,
Speaker 1: and stop decoding their captions even if you think they're
Speaker 1: written for you. Stop giving your peace to someone who
Speaker 1: already chose to lose it, and stop stalking their life
Speaker 1: like they're still in yours. Break the cycle, block, mute, delete.
Speaker 1: So many of us don't break the loop because we
Speaker 1: stay obsessed and focused on that person's feed. You're looking
Speaker 1: at who they're with. You might even see them with someone,
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, your mind goes crazy. Maybe
Speaker 1: they're dating, maybe they're with someone else, maybe they moved
Speaker 1: on quickly, And all of a sudden, you're messaging your friends,
Speaker 1: going did you see this? Can you find out for me?
Speaker 1: What are you doing? You're strengthening the obsession loop. Now
Speaker 1: you're creating new stories. Right now, you're creating new pain
Speaker 1: for yourself because you're exacerbating the problem. You're now getting
Speaker 1: involved in future pain, because you're involved in future stories
Speaker 1: that you're not a part of. Up until now, you
Speaker 1: are just dealing with what you went through with them.
Speaker 1: Now they're still in your life even though they're not,
Speaker 1: which means they can cause you even more pain from
Speaker 1: afar because you can never check anything with them. You
Speaker 1: will never know how they felt or what they were
Speaker 1: going through. Remove triggers, playlists, photos, even sense, all of
Speaker 1: the sense they're clothing, the photos, the places you hung
Speaker 1: out have to be off bounds because what happens is
Speaker 1: we have a chemical connection to all of those things.
Speaker 1: There's a mental emotional memory in all of those places,
Speaker 1: which keeps us stuck in the obsession loop. We have
Speaker 1: to learn to change our chemical connection. So what we're
Speaker 1: going to do is we're going to replace that rumination
Speaker 1: with a new routine. Moving your body, engaging your mind
Speaker 1: in new ways changes the chemicals. Don't wait to feel better,
Speaker 1: break the loop to get better. We're waiting to feel better.
Speaker 1: We're waiting for them to make us feel better. We're
Speaker 1: waiting for our friends to make us feel better. But
Speaker 1: the only thing that can get you better is breaking
Speaker 1: the obsession loop. Step number three is killed the narrative
Speaker 1: that it was all your fault. When there's no closure,
Speaker 1: the brain creates one, and it usually turns against you.
Speaker 1: It's called negativity bias. Your mind will fill in the
Speaker 1: blanks with worst case self blame. The biggest mistake you'll
Speaker 1: make after a breakup is you'll blame everything on yourself.
Speaker 1: You keep replaying the moments you wish you said something different.
Speaker 1: You keep thinking about all the things you got wrong
Speaker 1: and they got right. You keep thinking about all the
Speaker 1: moments you didn't show up and they did. All you
Speaker 1: can do is obsess over every time you said something
Speaker 1: wrong and they said something right. The biggest mistake you'll
Speaker 1: make is you'll keep replaying every time you could have
Speaker 1: done something differently and they acted perfectly. That is a
Speaker 1: mistake because you're not giving yourself grace, and you're taking
Speaker 1: accountability and responsibility for something that existed between two people,
Speaker 1: but you're making it all about you. Don't make something
Speaker 1: you shared all about you unless you're willing to also
Speaker 1: look at their challenges, their flaws, and their mistakes. Don't
Speaker 1: get lost amplifying yours. Because here's the truth. Relationships don't
Speaker 1: end because of one thing. They end because of many things.
Speaker 1: Mismatch timing, misaligned values, misaligned character. This is how to
Speaker 1: process a breakup. Write this down and say it until
Speaker 1: it sticks. I can take responsibility without taking all the blame.
Speaker 1: Because here's what I realized. When I really start to
Speaker 1: talk to people and coach people, they start to share
Speaker 1: all the red flags. They start to notice all the
Speaker 1: mistakes of the other person. They start to notice how
Speaker 1: their inturition. New people always ask me, how do I
Speaker 1: learn to trust other people? The truth is, learn to
Speaker 1: trust yourself. You'll never know whether you can trust someone
Speaker 1: or not. But if you trust yourself, you'll know when
Speaker 1: to stay and when to leave, because you'll know what
Speaker 1: behavior you'll allow and what behavior you won't. The challenge is,
Speaker 1: and you know this. You ignored the red flags because
Speaker 1: you didn't want to start over. Stop ignoring red flags.
Speaker 1: You ignore the red flags because being chosen felt better
Speaker 1: than being alone. You ignored the red flags because they
Speaker 1: said all the right things, just never did them. You
Speaker 1: ignored the red flags because your timeline like the photos.
Speaker 1: You ignore the red flags because they had potential and
Speaker 1: you fell in love with that. You ignored the red
Speaker 1: flags because they apologized just enough. You ignored the red
Speaker 1: flags because you were afraid this might be your only shot.
Speaker 1: You ignored the red flags because you thought love was
Speaker 1: supposed to hurt. All of us ignore red flags because
Speaker 1: we're trying to trust the other person, not realizing we
Speaker 1: should focus on trusting ourself. Step number four, close the
Speaker 1: loop with your own ritual. Waiting for them to give
Speaker 1: you peace is giving away your power. Waiting for them
Speaker 1: to give you closure is leaving you unclear. Waiting for
Speaker 1: them to fix you is leaving you broken. Waiting for
Speaker 1: them to help you is leaving you unhealed. Create a
Speaker 1: closure ritual, something symbolic that tells your nerve system. This
Speaker 1: chapter ends here, and you can try write them a letter,
Speaker 1: don't send it and burn it. You can bury a photo,
Speaker 1: delete the last message thread, then go for a walk
Speaker 1: with no phone. Closure isn't given, it's created. They won't
Speaker 1: give you closure. You have to give that to yourself.
Speaker 1: They won't rebuild your confidence. You have to do that
Speaker 1: from the ground up. They won't explain why they changed.
Speaker 1: You have to stop needing the answer. They won't make
Speaker 1: you whole because you were never incomplete in the first place.
Speaker 1: They won't own the mess they made. You just have
Speaker 1: to stop standing in it. They won't meet you where
Speaker 1: you are. You just have to keep walking. A ritual
Speaker 1: could be a new command than to yourself. A ritual
Speaker 1: could be a new commitment to a friend. A ritual
Speaker 1: is something that is changing your chemistry, changing your emotional space,
Speaker 1: by adding something new to your life. What's happening is
Speaker 1: you're missing an old emotion and your body and mind
Speaker 1: are dragging you to one that person back in your life.
Speaker 1: We often think we need a new person to replace
Speaker 1: an old person, but what we actually need is a
Speaker 1: new emotion, a new experience, a new connection to replace
Speaker 1: the old experience, a new set of chemicals, a new
Speaker 1: set of movement. Step number five, Understand that pain doesn't
Speaker 1: mean you're meant to be. Just because you feel pain
Speaker 1: from a breakup doesn't mean you're meant to be. Just
Speaker 1: because you think you miss that person doesn't mean you're
Speaker 1: meant to be. Just because you think that they'll come
Speaker 1: back around doesn't mean they will. And while you're waiting,
Speaker 1: you don't grow, You don't become more attractive, you don't
Speaker 1: become the person you want to be. You hurting doesn't
Speaker 1: mean they were your soulmate. It means you felt deeply.
Speaker 1: It means you have the capacity for love. It means
Speaker 1: you have the ability to give, and you're human pain
Speaker 1: isn't proof it was right. It's proof that you cared.
Speaker 1: Studies show emotional pain activates the same brain regions as
Speaker 1: physical injury. Think about this. I read one study that
Speaker 1: said that when you feel left out of the group chat,
Speaker 1: it feels like you broke your leg. Right, there's a
Speaker 1: physical pain felt from an emotional discomfort. So when you're
Speaker 1: going through a breakup, it's going to feel like a
Speaker 1: punch in the gut. It's going to feel like someone
Speaker 1: ripped your heart out of your chest and broke it
Speaker 1: into pieces. It feels like physical pain. So if you're
Speaker 1: feeling that, that's natural. But here's what you need to remember.
Speaker 1: Just because it hurts doesn't mean it was right. Remember
Speaker 1: what I said earlier. Love isn't about what feels the
Speaker 1: most exciting. It's about the person that makes you feel safe,
Speaker 1: seen and supported. Someone breaking your heart open, ripping it
Speaker 1: out of your chest is not safe seen or supported.
Speaker 1: Step number six, redirect the energy ruthlessly. Heartbreak gives you
Speaker 1: access to a fire most people never touch. Use it,
Speaker 1: channel it, move with it, Redesign your space, take a course,
Speaker 1: start lifting weights. Get a new passion right like your
Speaker 1: life depends on it. Psychologist Dr Jordan Peterson calls this
Speaker 1: productive aggression. Instead of turning it inward, transmute it. Breakdowns
Speaker 1: make incredible fuel when you don't waste them on breaking down.
Speaker 1: You use the breakdown for a breakthrough. And finally, step
Speaker 1: number seven, stop waiting to feel ready. You're not just
Speaker 1: getting over them, you're rebuilding you. After a breakup, your
Speaker 1: brain experiences an identity gap. You don't lose the person
Speaker 1: you lose who you were with them. You don't lose
Speaker 1: the person you lose who you wish you could be
Speaker 1: with them. You don't lose the person you wish the
Speaker 1: future you you thought about that you'd be with them.
Speaker 1: So here's your job. Pick one thing that's yours. One
Speaker 1: thing they did an influence, one version of you you
Speaker 1: want to grow into and start acting from that place. Now,
Speaker 1: not next month, not when you're healed. Now. If you're
Speaker 1: going through a breakup, remember this. You're not trying to
Speaker 1: get back to who you were before them. You're becoming
Speaker 1: someone who they never got to meet. You didn't get closure,
Speaker 1: So give yourself something better and new. Start Take everything
Speaker 1: you learned. You don't need a blank slate, You actually
Speaker 1: want a slate filled with wisdom, not because they moved on,
Speaker 1: but because you decided, so will you. I empathize with
Speaker 1: anyone going through this in their life right now. I
Speaker 1: create these videos and these podcast episodes in order to
Speaker 1: serve and support you and help you. I really hope
Speaker 1: that this can be your guiding light. We have so
Speaker 1: much more content dedicated to this on the podcast on
Speaker 1: my YouTube channel. Make sure you search Jay Sheddy break
Speaker 1: Up Advice and find all the content you need. I
Speaker 1: also have some of the greatest experts in this space
Speaker 1: on the podcast, and I hope that they will guide
Speaker 1: you through this too. Thank you for trusting me, Thanks
Speaker 1: for being here, and I'll see you soon, remember and
Speaker 1: forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you're going to love my
Speaker 1: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
Speaker 1: ex and find true love in your relationships.
Speaker 2: People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion
Speaker 2: to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to
Speaker 2: your future self is doing something that gives him or
Speaker 2: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.