1
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:05,640
Speaker 1: Stop ignoring red flags. You ignored the red flags because

2
00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:10,000
Speaker 1: being chosen felt better than being alone. You ignored the

3
00:00:10,039 --> 00:00:15,040
Speaker 1: red flags because your timeline like the photos. You ignored

4
00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:19,200
Speaker 1: the red flags because you thought love was supposed to hurt.

5
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:23,880
Speaker 1: The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Setty Jay Shetty.

6
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:25,880
Speaker 2: Jet.

7
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:31,600
Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. It's great to

8
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,080
Speaker 1: have you back here. Make sure you've subscribed so you

9
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:37,440
Speaker 1: never miss an episode. I'm so glad that this year

10
00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:40,639
Speaker 1: we started to film these solo episodes and it's been

11
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:43,960
Speaker 1: incredible to see your engagement on them. Make sure you

12
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:46,800
Speaker 1: leave your comment, leave any questions you have. I'm always

13
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:49,600
Speaker 1: sifting through, and make sure you passed this video one

14
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:53,920
Speaker 1: to a friend or family member who may be struggling now.

15
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,280
Speaker 1: In the last week, I've had calls from three different

16
00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:01,200
Speaker 1: people who were all broken up with and each and

17
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:06,480
Speaker 1: every single one of them is completely heartbroken. Every single

18
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,200
Speaker 1: one of them is said to me, they didn't see

19
00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:11,039
Speaker 1: this coming. Every single one of them is said to me,

20
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,240
Speaker 1: they think it's their fault. And every single one of

21
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:17,120
Speaker 1: them is saying to me they wish it would work out,

22
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,480
Speaker 1: They wish it could be good again, they wish they

23
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:24,520
Speaker 1: could be with this person again. And it's so heartbreaking

24
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:29,600
Speaker 1: to see how when someone breaks up with us, we

25
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:34,520
Speaker 1: immediately blame ourselves. We ignore red flags, we lose our

26
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:40,160
Speaker 1: self awareness because we're not only taking responsibility for the

27
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:45,600
Speaker 1: failure of the relationship, we're also taking all the accountability.

28
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,200
Speaker 1: So what I wanted to create for you in this

29
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:53,600
Speaker 1: video was a NOBS direct, clear talking approach to what

30
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:57,200
Speaker 1: to do if you're going through a breakup. I think

31
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,520
Speaker 1: breakups can be the most difficult thing in the world,

32
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,280
Speaker 1: and if you've just been through one right now, the

33
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:05,760
Speaker 1: reason why it's so painful is it affects your confidence,

34
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:11,160
Speaker 1: It affects your future, It affects your self worth, and

35
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,840
Speaker 1: it affects your loneliness and connection. It affects you on

36
00:02:14,919 --> 00:02:20,440
Speaker 1: the deepest emotional, spiritual level because it challenges you and

37
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:24,280
Speaker 1: your worth to your very core. So if you know

38
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:27,400
Speaker 1: someone going through this, passed us along to them, and

39
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,480
Speaker 1: if you're someone who's going through it, make notes and

40
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,560
Speaker 1: listen carefully. One of the things people don't realize about

41
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:37,960
Speaker 1: a breakup is that you're actually going through grief. You're

42
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,800
Speaker 1: going through grief of what you thought you'd have with

43
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:43,840
Speaker 1: this person. You're going through the grief of who you

44
00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:47,120
Speaker 1: thought this person was. You're going through the grief of

45
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:50,600
Speaker 1: who you were with this person. There is a lot

46
00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:55,240
Speaker 1: of grief wrapped up into a breakup. And here's the

47
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:59,600
Speaker 1: first step. We need to learn to grieve without the

48
00:02:59,639 --> 00:03:03,960
Speaker 1: fair detail filter. A lot of us we grieve with

49
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:07,679
Speaker 1: the fairy tale filter. We grieve what they promised us.

50
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,400
Speaker 1: We grieve what we wished we'd have with them. We

51
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:15,240
Speaker 1: grieve the potential, the dream state we created in our

52
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:20,760
Speaker 1: minds with this person. And therefore, the first step is

53
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:26,440
Speaker 1: stop idealizing what it wasn't. Your brain is wired to

54
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:33,560
Speaker 1: romanticize the past, especially after rejection. It's called rosy retrospection

55
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:40,080
Speaker 1: Gilbert and Wilson, two thousand. Rosy retrospection is this nostalgia

56
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,440
Speaker 1: that we all have, all the good old days, all

57
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:48,400
Speaker 1: that beautiful first date, oh that one anniversary, all that

58
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:54,560
Speaker 1: one birthday. Your mind creates this rosy retrospection about these

59
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:58,840
Speaker 1: simple moments that maybe you haven't thought about but all

60
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:02,360
Speaker 1: of a sudden come fl back. But here's the truth.

61
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:07,200
Speaker 1: You're not missing them. You're missing the version of them

62
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:12,400
Speaker 1: you hoped existed. You're not missing them, you're missing the

63
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:17,280
Speaker 1: future they promised you. You're not missing them. You're missing

64
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:21,160
Speaker 1: who you thought they could become. You're not missing them,

65
00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:25,200
Speaker 1: You're missing how you felt when you believed it was real.

66
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:29,120
Speaker 1: You're not missing them, You're missing the version of you

67
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,479
Speaker 1: that existed when you thought they loved you. You're not

68
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,120
Speaker 1: missing them, You're missing the story you were writing in

69
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:41,400
Speaker 1: your head. You're not missing them. You're missing the moments

70
00:04:41,839 --> 00:04:46,720
Speaker 1: that made you forget the truth. Remember, you're not missing them.

71
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:51,479
Speaker 1: You're missing the comfort of certainty, even if it was fake.

72
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,920
Speaker 1: You're not missing them, You're missing the illusion that they

73
00:04:55,920 --> 00:05:00,920
Speaker 1: were right for you. And this is so painful to acknowledge,

74
00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:03,800
Speaker 1: which is why we push it off. It's why we

75
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:08,120
Speaker 1: avoid it. We never want to accept that we have

76
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:12,240
Speaker 1: been sold a promise world. The majority of people that

77
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:15,840
Speaker 1: I've spoken to that were broken up with were more

78
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,800
Speaker 1: in love with the promise the person gave them than

79
00:05:19,839 --> 00:05:24,200
Speaker 1: the reality they experienced. They were more in love with

80
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:29,800
Speaker 1: the dream that they wished for than the reality they experienced.

81
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:34,440
Speaker 1: They were more inspired by the potential of that person

82
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:39,719
Speaker 1: than the reality of that person. We all focus on

83
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:44,320
Speaker 1: the promise, the dream, and the potential more than the reality.

84
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:49,520
Speaker 1: The clarity and the truth. We have to come back

85
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:54,159
Speaker 1: down to earth. The quicker you can be honest with yourself,

86
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:59,719
Speaker 1: the quicker you can heal. I'm not saying speed is important,

87
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,359
Speaker 1: but if you're someone who wants to move forward, it

88
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:07,040
Speaker 1: will take that approach. Here's what I want you to do.

89
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:13,680
Speaker 1: Write down what actually happened, what they actually did, and

90
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:17,719
Speaker 1: what they didn't do as well. See it clearly no

91
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:25,040
Speaker 1: edits no fantasy, just facts. Clarity is closure you give

92
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:30,159
Speaker 1: yourself and you can only do that with facts, not fantasy.

93
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,120
Speaker 1: Most people, when I asked them, how is the relationship,

94
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,320
Speaker 1: They'll say, you know, we were going to move in together.

95
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,960
Speaker 1: You know, we were gonna get a dog together. You

96
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,720
Speaker 1: know what we were gonna we were gonna, you know,

97
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,440
Speaker 1: get married, Like that's what we And I was like, yes,

98
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,520
Speaker 1: but what was the relationship? Like, No, it's the difference, right,

99
00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:51,359
Speaker 1: that's not the relationship. That's what you hoped was going

100
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,920
Speaker 1: to happen in the future. What was the relationship, like, well,

101
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,880
Speaker 1: we pretty much argued every couple of weeks. I always

102
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,400
Speaker 1: felt distant, you know, over the last few months, I

103
00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:03,640
Speaker 1: kind of just felt like we weren't connecting. Oh, so

104
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,400
Speaker 1: that's what the relationship was like, so you don't miss

105
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:10,720
Speaker 1: that because that sounds uncomfortable. The three most important things

106
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:17,160
Speaker 1: in a romantic relationship are this to feel safe, to

107
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:22,720
Speaker 1: feel seen, and to feel supported. If you don't feel safe,

108
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:27,200
Speaker 1: you don't have a foundation. When you walk into a building,

109
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,600
Speaker 1: when you walk into a home, when you're even walking

110
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,800
Speaker 1: down a street. The first thing you think about is safety.

111
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,000
Speaker 1: You don't want to hurt yourself. When you enter a

112
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:40,400
Speaker 1: new relationship, ask yourself, does this person make me feel safe?

113
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:45,520
Speaker 1: Do I feel that they're reliable? Do I feel like

114
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:51,040
Speaker 1: they make me feel safe? Secure? The second is do

115
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:55,160
Speaker 1: they make me feel seen? Are they present? Are they listening?

116
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,400
Speaker 1: Are they curious about me? Do I feel seen when

117
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,560
Speaker 1: I'm with them for who I am? Or do I

118
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:06,160
Speaker 1: feel forced to project another version of myself? And the

119
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:10,320
Speaker 1: third is do I feel supported? Do I feel supported

120
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:13,280
Speaker 1: in my goals? Do I feel supported in my search?

121
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,360
Speaker 1: And am I willing to do all three for them?

122
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,400
Speaker 1: When I speak to people going through a breakup and

123
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:22,680
Speaker 1: I ask them what their relationship was really like, more

124
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:26,360
Speaker 1: often than not, most people feel two out of the

125
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:30,720
Speaker 1: three were not happening. People didn't feel safe, and they

126
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:34,240
Speaker 1: didn't feel seen even if they felt supported. They didn't

127
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:38,040
Speaker 1: feel seen or supported even though they say they feel safe.

128
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:43,320
Speaker 1: Look at the facts, not the fiction. Focus on the facts,

129
00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:49,960
Speaker 1: not the fantasy. Step number two is interrupt the obsession loop.

130
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,240
Speaker 1: When you speak to someone who's gone through a breakup,

131
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:56,600
Speaker 1: they need to talk about the same thing multiple times.

132
00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,160
Speaker 1: That's normal, by the way, that's how our mind processes.

133
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,160
Speaker 1: Sometimes we need to say the same thing in the

134
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,120
Speaker 1: same way, and someone else is thinking, what is going

135
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,920
Speaker 1: on here? But our brain is almost washing it right.

136
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,560
Speaker 1: Think about it like a washing machine. A piece of

137
00:09:11,559 --> 00:09:13,600
Speaker 1: clothing doesn't just go in the washing machine once and

138
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,680
Speaker 1: come out clean. The washing machine has to roll again

139
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,040
Speaker 1: and again and again and tumble again and again and

140
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,000
Speaker 1: again to get the dirt out. That's kind of how

141
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:25,320
Speaker 1: our brain works. That's how our mind functions. We have

142
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:29,080
Speaker 1: to continue to wash a thought to rinse it of

143
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:32,079
Speaker 1: the dirt and for it to be clean. So if

144
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:36,160
Speaker 1: you're repeating your thoughts again and again and again out loud,

145
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,719
Speaker 1: I promise you you haven't gone crazy. I promise you

146
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:43,760
Speaker 1: you haven't gone mad. It is the cleansing, detoxing process.

147
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:50,920
Speaker 1: But at some point we have to interrupt the obsession loop,

148
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:54,679
Speaker 1: because what happens, just as with an item of clothing,

149
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,320
Speaker 1: after forty minutes, it has to come out of the

150
00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,800
Speaker 1: washing machine. If it stays in there for a another round,

151
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:04,400
Speaker 1: it may get stuck in there, it may start to

152
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:08,000
Speaker 1: lose the quality of the material, it may start to

153
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:11,040
Speaker 1: stretch right. It's not ideal for it to stay in

154
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,400
Speaker 1: that process. So there is a moment where we have

155
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:17,000
Speaker 1: to interrupt that obsession loop. How do you know to

156
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,480
Speaker 1: do that? It's not a timing. You can't say that's

157
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,520
Speaker 1: gonna happen in one month. You can't say I'm going

158
00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:24,160
Speaker 1: to do it after one week. You're going to know

159
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:28,240
Speaker 1: if you're present with the repetitive thoughts. At one point,

160
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,760
Speaker 1: you're going to say I need to move on. If

161
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,040
Speaker 1: you've practiced number one, you'll know when to do number two.

162
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:39,640
Speaker 1: Remember you're not weak for not moving on, you're chemically hooked.

163
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:45,280
Speaker 1: Breakups trigger the same brain regions as drug withdrawal. Every

164
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:49,160
Speaker 1: time you stalk their feed, replay a memory, or wonder

165
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:54,360
Speaker 1: what you did wrong, you strengthen the loop. Stop looking

166
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:59,640
Speaker 1: at your ex's social media. They're not your future. Stop

167
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:04,120
Speaker 1: checking who they're with. It won't help you. Heal. Stop

168
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:09,680
Speaker 1: watching their stories like they'll suddenly make sense. Stop searching

169
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:13,880
Speaker 1: for signs they miss you. They don't post about their grief.

170
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:19,640
Speaker 1: Stop waiting for closure from someone who walked away without it,

171
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:24,000
Speaker 1: and stop decoding their captions even if you think they're

172
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:29,200
Speaker 1: written for you. Stop giving your peace to someone who

173
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:34,680
Speaker 1: already chose to lose it, and stop stalking their life

174
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:41,800
Speaker 1: like they're still in yours. Break the cycle, block, mute, delete.

175
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:47,160
Speaker 1: So many of us don't break the loop because we

176
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:51,800
Speaker 1: stay obsessed and focused on that person's feed. You're looking

177
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:55,840
Speaker 1: at who they're with. You might even see them with someone,

178
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,800
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, your mind goes crazy. Maybe

179
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,800
Speaker 1: they're dating, maybe they're with someone else, maybe they moved

180
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,920
Speaker 1: on quickly, And all of a sudden, you're messaging your friends,

181
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,160
Speaker 1: going did you see this? Can you find out for me?

182
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,959
Speaker 1: What are you doing? You're strengthening the obsession loop. Now

183
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:16,480
Speaker 1: you're creating new stories. Right now, you're creating new pain

184
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:20,439
Speaker 1: for yourself because you're exacerbating the problem. You're now getting

185
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:24,280
Speaker 1: involved in future pain, because you're involved in future stories

186
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:27,240
Speaker 1: that you're not a part of. Up until now, you

187
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,160
Speaker 1: are just dealing with what you went through with them.

188
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,520
Speaker 1: Now they're still in your life even though they're not,

189
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:36,160
Speaker 1: which means they can cause you even more pain from

190
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:39,199
Speaker 1: afar because you can never check anything with them. You

191
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,960
Speaker 1: will never know how they felt or what they were

192
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:47,280
Speaker 1: going through. Remove triggers, playlists, photos, even sense, all of

193
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:51,200
Speaker 1: the sense they're clothing, the photos, the places you hung

194
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:55,240
Speaker 1: out have to be off bounds because what happens is

195
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,720
Speaker 1: we have a chemical connection to all of those things.

196
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:03,720
Speaker 1: There's a mental emotional memory in all of those places,

197
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:07,720
Speaker 1: which keeps us stuck in the obsession loop. We have

198
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,520
Speaker 1: to learn to change our chemical connection. So what we're

199
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,679
Speaker 1: going to do is we're going to replace that rumination

200
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,920
Speaker 1: with a new routine. Moving your body, engaging your mind

201
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:21,920
Speaker 1: in new ways changes the chemicals. Don't wait to feel better,

202
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:27,880
Speaker 1: break the loop to get better. We're waiting to feel better.

203
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,760
Speaker 1: We're waiting for them to make us feel better. We're

204
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:33,520
Speaker 1: waiting for our friends to make us feel better. But

205
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:37,320
Speaker 1: the only thing that can get you better is breaking

206
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:42,559
Speaker 1: the obsession loop. Step number three is killed the narrative

207
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:47,440
Speaker 1: that it was all your fault. When there's no closure,

208
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,400
Speaker 1: the brain creates one, and it usually turns against you.

209
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,880
Speaker 1: It's called negativity bias. Your mind will fill in the

210
00:13:55,920 --> 00:14:00,680
Speaker 1: blanks with worst case self blame. The biggest mistake you'll

211
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:05,719
Speaker 1: make after a breakup is you'll blame everything on yourself.

212
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:11,800
Speaker 1: You keep replaying the moments you wish you said something different.

213
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,200
Speaker 1: You keep thinking about all the things you got wrong

214
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:20,840
Speaker 1: and they got right. You keep thinking about all the

215
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:26,440
Speaker 1: moments you didn't show up and they did. All you

216
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:31,560
Speaker 1: can do is obsess over every time you said something

217
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:35,920
Speaker 1: wrong and they said something right. The biggest mistake you'll

218
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:41,880
Speaker 1: make is you'll keep replaying every time you could have

219
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:47,280
Speaker 1: done something differently and they acted perfectly. That is a

220
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:51,760
Speaker 1: mistake because you're not giving yourself grace, and you're taking

221
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:57,080
Speaker 1: accountability and responsibility for something that existed between two people,

222
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:01,520
Speaker 1: but you're making it all about you. Don't make something

223
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:06,480
Speaker 1: you shared all about you unless you're willing to also

224
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:11,120
Speaker 1: look at their challenges, their flaws, and their mistakes. Don't

225
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:16,600
Speaker 1: get lost amplifying yours. Because here's the truth. Relationships don't

226
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:22,320
Speaker 1: end because of one thing. They end because of many things.

227
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:31,320
Speaker 1: Mismatch timing, misaligned values, misaligned character. This is how to

228
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:35,360
Speaker 1: process a breakup. Write this down and say it until

229
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:41,640
Speaker 1: it sticks. I can take responsibility without taking all the blame.

230
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,880
Speaker 1: Because here's what I realized. When I really start to

231
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:49,040
Speaker 1: talk to people and coach people, they start to share

232
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,840
Speaker 1: all the red flags. They start to notice all the

233
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,000
Speaker 1: mistakes of the other person. They start to notice how

234
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:59,560
Speaker 1: their inturition. New people always ask me, how do I

235
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:04,560
Speaker 1: learn to trust other people? The truth is, learn to

236
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:08,040
Speaker 1: trust yourself. You'll never know whether you can trust someone

237
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,000
Speaker 1: or not. But if you trust yourself, you'll know when

238
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:14,120
Speaker 1: to stay and when to leave, because you'll know what

239
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:19,960
Speaker 1: behavior you'll allow and what behavior you won't. The challenge is,

240
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:25,960
Speaker 1: and you know this. You ignored the red flags because

241
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:31,880
Speaker 1: you didn't want to start over. Stop ignoring red flags.

242
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:37,200
Speaker 1: You ignore the red flags because being chosen felt better

243
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:41,640
Speaker 1: than being alone. You ignored the red flags because they

244
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:46,120
Speaker 1: said all the right things, just never did them. You

245
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:50,600
Speaker 1: ignored the red flags because your timeline like the photos.

246
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,720
Speaker 1: You ignore the red flags because they had potential and

247
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,840
Speaker 1: you fell in love with that. You ignored the red

248
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:04,560
Speaker 1: flags because they apologized just enough. You ignored the red

249
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:09,240
Speaker 1: flags because you were afraid this might be your only shot.

250
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:14,200
Speaker 1: You ignored the red flags because you thought love was

251
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:20,720
Speaker 1: supposed to hurt. All of us ignore red flags because

252
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:25,040
Speaker 1: we're trying to trust the other person, not realizing we

253
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:30,359
Speaker 1: should focus on trusting ourself. Step number four, close the

254
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:35,040
Speaker 1: loop with your own ritual. Waiting for them to give

255
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:39,560
Speaker 1: you peace is giving away your power. Waiting for them

256
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:45,040
Speaker 1: to give you closure is leaving you unclear. Waiting for

257
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:49,960
Speaker 1: them to fix you is leaving you broken. Waiting for

258
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:55,679
Speaker 1: them to help you is leaving you unhealed. Create a

259
00:17:55,800 --> 00:18:01,920
Speaker 1: closure ritual, something symbolic that tells your nerve system. This

260
00:18:02,359 --> 00:18:07,600
Speaker 1: chapter ends here, and you can try write them a letter,

261
00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:12,600
Speaker 1: don't send it and burn it. You can bury a photo,

262
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,800
Speaker 1: delete the last message thread, then go for a walk

263
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:23,280
Speaker 1: with no phone. Closure isn't given, it's created. They won't

264
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:27,720
Speaker 1: give you closure. You have to give that to yourself.

265
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:32,320
Speaker 1: They won't rebuild your confidence. You have to do that

266
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:36,800
Speaker 1: from the ground up. They won't explain why they changed.

267
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:41,240
Speaker 1: You have to stop needing the answer. They won't make

268
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:45,159
Speaker 1: you whole because you were never incomplete in the first place.

269
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:50,320
Speaker 1: They won't own the mess they made. You just have

270
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,960
Speaker 1: to stop standing in it. They won't meet you where

271
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:58,840
Speaker 1: you are. You just have to keep walking. A ritual

272
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,440
Speaker 1: could be a new command than to yourself. A ritual

273
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:06,280
Speaker 1: could be a new commitment to a friend. A ritual

274
00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:10,920
Speaker 1: is something that is changing your chemistry, changing your emotional space,

275
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:15,719
Speaker 1: by adding something new to your life. What's happening is

276
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,800
Speaker 1: you're missing an old emotion and your body and mind

277
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,760
Speaker 1: are dragging you to one that person back in your life.

278
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:27,280
Speaker 1: We often think we need a new person to replace

279
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,960
Speaker 1: an old person, but what we actually need is a

280
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:36,359
Speaker 1: new emotion, a new experience, a new connection to replace

281
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:40,840
Speaker 1: the old experience, a new set of chemicals, a new

282
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:46,920
Speaker 1: set of movement. Step number five, Understand that pain doesn't

283
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,600
Speaker 1: mean you're meant to be. Just because you feel pain

284
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:55,040
Speaker 1: from a breakup doesn't mean you're meant to be. Just

285
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:59,360
Speaker 1: because you think you miss that person doesn't mean you're

286
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:03,880
Speaker 1: meant to be. Just because you think that they'll come

287
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:09,200
Speaker 1: back around doesn't mean they will. And while you're waiting,

288
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,280
Speaker 1: you don't grow, You don't become more attractive, you don't

289
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:17,600
Speaker 1: become the person you want to be. You hurting doesn't

290
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:22,720
Speaker 1: mean they were your soulmate. It means you felt deeply.

291
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:26,879
Speaker 1: It means you have the capacity for love. It means

292
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:31,720
Speaker 1: you have the ability to give, and you're human pain

293
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:36,800
Speaker 1: isn't proof it was right. It's proof that you cared.

294
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:42,120
Speaker 1: Studies show emotional pain activates the same brain regions as

295
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:46,399
Speaker 1: physical injury. Think about this. I read one study that

296
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:50,480
Speaker 1: said that when you feel left out of the group chat,

297
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,199
Speaker 1: it feels like you broke your leg. Right, there's a

298
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:59,360
Speaker 1: physical pain felt from an emotional discomfort. So when you're

299
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:02,000
Speaker 1: going through a breakup, it's going to feel like a

300
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:04,520
Speaker 1: punch in the gut. It's going to feel like someone

301
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,080
Speaker 1: ripped your heart out of your chest and broke it

302
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:11,320
Speaker 1: into pieces. It feels like physical pain. So if you're

303
00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:15,760
Speaker 1: feeling that, that's natural. But here's what you need to remember.

304
00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:21,320
Speaker 1: Just because it hurts doesn't mean it was right. Remember

305
00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:25,280
Speaker 1: what I said earlier. Love isn't about what feels the

306
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:28,600
Speaker 1: most exciting. It's about the person that makes you feel safe,

307
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:33,760
Speaker 1: seen and supported. Someone breaking your heart open, ripping it

308
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,119
Speaker 1: out of your chest is not safe seen or supported.

309
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:44,240
Speaker 1: Step number six, redirect the energy ruthlessly. Heartbreak gives you

310
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:48,760
Speaker 1: access to a fire most people never touch. Use it,

311
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:54,240
Speaker 1: channel it, move with it, Redesign your space, take a course,

312
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:58,479
Speaker 1: start lifting weights. Get a new passion right like your

313
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,840
Speaker 1: life depends on it. Psychologist Dr Jordan Peterson calls this

314
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:09,120
Speaker 1: productive aggression. Instead of turning it inward, transmute it. Breakdowns

315
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:14,000
Speaker 1: make incredible fuel when you don't waste them on breaking down.

316
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:19,280
Speaker 1: You use the breakdown for a breakthrough. And finally, step

317
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:25,080
Speaker 1: number seven, stop waiting to feel ready. You're not just

318
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:30,240
Speaker 1: getting over them, you're rebuilding you. After a breakup, your

319
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:35,520
Speaker 1: brain experiences an identity gap. You don't lose the person

320
00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:39,880
Speaker 1: you lose who you were with them. You don't lose

321
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:44,119
Speaker 1: the person you lose who you wish you could be

322
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:48,679
Speaker 1: with them. You don't lose the person you wish the

323
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,880
Speaker 1: future you you thought about that you'd be with them.

324
00:22:54,359 --> 00:23:00,360
Speaker 1: So here's your job. Pick one thing that's yours. One

325
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:04,879
Speaker 1: thing they did an influence, one version of you you

326
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:10,119
Speaker 1: want to grow into and start acting from that place. Now,

327
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:14,840
Speaker 1: not next month, not when you're healed. Now. If you're

328
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:18,840
Speaker 1: going through a breakup, remember this. You're not trying to

329
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:23,040
Speaker 1: get back to who you were before them. You're becoming

330
00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:27,920
Speaker 1: someone who they never got to meet. You didn't get closure,

331
00:23:28,359 --> 00:23:33,040
Speaker 1: So give yourself something better and new. Start Take everything

332
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:36,639
Speaker 1: you learned. You don't need a blank slate, You actually

333
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:41,240
Speaker 1: want a slate filled with wisdom, not because they moved on,

334
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:46,720
Speaker 1: but because you decided, so will you. I empathize with

335
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,399
Speaker 1: anyone going through this in their life right now. I

336
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,840
Speaker 1: create these videos and these podcast episodes in order to

337
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,920
Speaker 1: serve and support you and help you. I really hope

338
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,760
Speaker 1: that this can be your guiding light. We have so

339
00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:01,920
Speaker 1: much more content dedicated to this on the podcast on

340
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:06,320
Speaker 1: my YouTube channel. Make sure you search Jay Sheddy break

341
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,719
Speaker 1: Up Advice and find all the content you need. I

342
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,280
Speaker 1: also have some of the greatest experts in this space

343
00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:14,800
Speaker 1: on the podcast, and I hope that they will guide

344
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:17,400
Speaker 1: you through this too. Thank you for trusting me, Thanks

345
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:20,720
Speaker 1: for being here, and I'll see you soon, remember and

346
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,240
Speaker 1: forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.

347
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,080
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you're going to love my

348
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:29,640
Speaker 1: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your

349
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,680
Speaker 1: ex and find true love in your relationships.

350
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:37,119
Speaker 2: People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion

351
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:41,280
Speaker 2: to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to

352
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:44,359
Speaker 2: your future self is doing something that gives him or

353
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:46,760
Speaker 2: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.