1 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't 2 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:13,600 Speaker 1: a liability. 3 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:17,240 Speaker 2: It's a real guest. If we don't know something about 4 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:19,640 Speaker 2: ourselves at this point in our life, it's probably because 5 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:23,880 Speaker 2: it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die before you die, 6 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:28,080 Speaker 2: then you can really live. There's a wisdom at death's door. 7 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: I thought I was insane. Yeah, and I didn't know what. 8 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,080 Speaker 2: To do because there was no internet. 9 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,760 Speaker 1: I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel like everything 10 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:42,120 Speaker 1: is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. I'm a 11 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:45,680 Speaker 1: human first and a licensed therapist second. And right now 12 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 1: I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope encourage you 13 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 1: to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others, 14 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 1: and the world around you. 15 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 2: Welcome to You Need Therapy. Hi guys, and. 16 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,160 Speaker 1: Welcome to a new episode of You Need Therapy podcast. 17 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,319 Speaker 1: My name is Kat and I am the host. If 18 00:01:06,319 --> 00:01:09,560 Speaker 1: you are new here, welcome quick reminder that I like 19 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:12,200 Speaker 1: to give at the top of every episode. That is, 20 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,120 Speaker 1: although I'm a therapist, and although this podcast is called 21 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,880 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy, this is not a replacement for actual 22 00:01:18,959 --> 00:01:22,679 Speaker 1: therapy or a substitute for any mental health service. 23 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 2: So I was listening to the Brene Brown. 24 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:31,800 Speaker 1: Podcast and she started talking about this thing called the 25 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:36,240 Speaker 1: assumption of positive intent, And if you're unfamiliar with what 26 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:40,640 Speaker 1: that is, it is basically what it says, and it's 27 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:44,400 Speaker 1: more of a workplace value system idea that I believe 28 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:48,560 Speaker 1: was posture to help foster better culture in the workplace, 29 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: where you assume positive intent before you think somebody is 30 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 1: you know, out to get you, or doing something you 31 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:59,000 Speaker 1: know on purpose to make you upset, angry, et cetera. 32 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 1: As I heard that, it reminded me of something that 33 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,960 Speaker 1: I used to say way more than I say now, 34 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,680 Speaker 1: which is that people generally are doing the best that 35 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 1: they can sometimes though, we need more than someone's best. 36 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 1: And this tends to come up a lot when working 37 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:16,360 Speaker 1: with clients who have childhood trauma and don't want to 38 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:19,639 Speaker 1: demonize their parents, but need to acknowledge that their needs 39 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:21,600 Speaker 1: weren't met as a kid to move past something in 40 00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:24,120 Speaker 1: their life. And one of the reasons that this is 41 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,960 Speaker 1: so important is that when we can acknowledge that something 42 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:30,519 Speaker 1: was wrong but the intentions were not bad, we get 43 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:34,200 Speaker 1: to rewrite certain scripts we have lived our whole lives 44 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,519 Speaker 1: by and we get to change the lens that we 45 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,280 Speaker 1: have been seeing the world through. If my needs weren't met, 46 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 1: and that is because my parents don't care about me, 47 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,720 Speaker 1: then you're starting your experience of the world with a 48 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:47,840 Speaker 1: pretty shitty lens, one that may see you as not 49 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,520 Speaker 1: good enough or less. 50 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 2: Than or not worthy. 51 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,280 Speaker 1: And if my needs were met, but I can't acknowledge that, 52 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,320 Speaker 1: and I ignore the fact that I ever had needs, 53 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 1: then you're setting yourself up to ignore your needs and 54 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:03,440 Speaker 1: then destroy a positive sense of self. If I don't 55 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:06,480 Speaker 1: have needs, then like, who am I all that acknowledging. 56 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,560 Speaker 1: This also helps us untie ourselves from insecure attachments that 57 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,359 Speaker 1: the lack of this awareness comes with. And that's a 58 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,600 Speaker 1: lot of times what I do in therapy when this 59 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:18,639 Speaker 1: comes up, and when we create more secure attachments, we're 60 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:22,799 Speaker 1: able to actually create healthier relationships, We're able to set boundaries, 61 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 1: and we are actually able to experience our needs being met. Now, 62 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,240 Speaker 1: a little caveat here that I feel as necessary to 63 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,840 Speaker 1: say is that when it comes to abuse or neglect 64 00:03:32,919 --> 00:03:35,120 Speaker 1: or anything like that, you can't just shout this phrase 65 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:38,800 Speaker 1: to somebody and expect them just to accept it and 66 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:41,360 Speaker 1: receive it. Well, that can be very damaging and it 67 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,680 Speaker 1: can be really invalidating. So please know that there is 68 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,960 Speaker 1: a spectrum of how this work that I'm talking about, 69 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:48,880 Speaker 1: and as I'm talking about it, I'm talking about it 70 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,400 Speaker 1: in a nutshell. There's a spectrum of how it's done 71 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,560 Speaker 1: and how beliefs are shifted. It's not something we just 72 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 1: throw at people now. Burne mentioned that which I thought 73 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 1: was very interesting that people who are actually able to 74 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:05,600 Speaker 1: assume positive intent, who are able to actually assume that 75 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:09,120 Speaker 1: people are doing their best, all have something in common, 76 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:14,920 Speaker 1: and that thing is the ability to set boundaries. And 77 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 1: a prerequisite to the ability to set boundaries is believing 78 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,880 Speaker 1: that someone is worthy of doing so. And then those 79 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:26,279 Speaker 1: boundaries actually lead to how we end up being treated 80 00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:29,560 Speaker 1: through how we allow other people to treat us. And 81 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:31,679 Speaker 1: when I can set boundaries because I know my worth 82 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,240 Speaker 1: when someone acts in a way that doesn't sit well 83 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:37,440 Speaker 1: with me, I also have the ability to assume that 84 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:41,279 Speaker 1: positive intent to believe the best in someone. The behavior 85 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,520 Speaker 1: of someone else is not at that point directly tied 86 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,680 Speaker 1: to my worthiness or my value. Inherently, it is tied 87 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,840 Speaker 1: to that person's own self. Their behavior becomes their behavior 88 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,479 Speaker 1: versus a reflection of my value, which brings me to 89 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:58,120 Speaker 1: something that shows up all of the time, and that 90 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:02,280 Speaker 1: is people demonizing others because of their possible poor behavior 91 00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:06,560 Speaker 1: when they refuse to set boundaries that might be confusing. 92 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:07,840 Speaker 2: So we're going to talk about that. 93 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,839 Speaker 1: Are you somebody who or do you know somebody who, 94 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,640 Speaker 1: over and over and over again finds themselves being taken 95 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:18,320 Speaker 1: advantage of. They ask themselves frequently why people don't respect 96 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,280 Speaker 1: them and why it feels like a lot of the 97 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,120 Speaker 1: people around them are just doing the bare minimum. Well, 98 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:27,360 Speaker 1: what I'm here to do is gently burst the bubble 99 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:30,640 Speaker 1: that a lot of people feel very comfortable sitting inside. 100 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,400 Speaker 1: When it comes to this and the answer to these 101 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:36,920 Speaker 1: questions why people do this, the answer is usually not 102 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:41,120 Speaker 1: because everyone in the world sucks. It's not because all 103 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:44,440 Speaker 1: men suck. It's not because people overall are out to 104 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,520 Speaker 1: get you. For the most part, Sometimes men do suck, 105 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 1: and sometimes people might be out to get you. But 106 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,960 Speaker 1: if this is a pattern in your life, then it 107 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,599 Speaker 1: probably has less to do with other people and way 108 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:59,720 Speaker 1: more to do with how you show up with others 109 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:05,240 Speaker 1: and how you treat yourself. We our own live how 110 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:09,279 Speaker 1: to treat me manuals for the world. We are the direction, 111 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:13,560 Speaker 1: we are the guide. We show people how we want 112 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,240 Speaker 1: to be treated and how to do that well. And 113 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:18,279 Speaker 1: to help you visualize what I mean, I'm going to 114 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 1: share a couple examples. I don't know what this came 115 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,440 Speaker 1: to me, but I was thinking about how I treat 116 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,680 Speaker 1: different people differently, and one thing stuck out immediately, and 117 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:34,680 Speaker 1: it was the different professors in my undergrad program. So 118 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:38,760 Speaker 1: there was this one professor. She was the capstone teacher. 119 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,279 Speaker 2: She taught like the capstone. 120 00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:42,280 Speaker 1: Class, and I think she might have been she might 121 00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:45,480 Speaker 1: have been head of the department. She was very intimidating, 122 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:48,360 Speaker 1: she was very scary, but she also was very kind 123 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,400 Speaker 1: to me personally. 124 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:51,680 Speaker 2: That was my experience of her. 125 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:55,440 Speaker 1: She was very serious, very professional, and thus in her class, 126 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,719 Speaker 1: the students were very serious and very professional. The only 127 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,159 Speaker 1: time we went to her office was during office hours. 128 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,440 Speaker 1: I would never just pop in, and when I would 129 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,880 Speaker 1: send her emails, I would double check them like six 130 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,560 Speaker 1: times to make sure they were correct. I signed them correctly, 131 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,280 Speaker 1: I did everything right. I would never think of using 132 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,800 Speaker 1: my phone in her class. I wouldn't eat in her class, 133 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,640 Speaker 1: I wouldn't be late to her class. None of that Meanwhile, 134 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,880 Speaker 1: there's this other professor in my department, and he was 135 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,200 Speaker 1: like everybody's favorite teacher. He was not mine, but he 136 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,560 Speaker 1: was a lot of people's favorite. His classes were people's 137 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:31,120 Speaker 1: favorite classes, and he was often on exam day or 138 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:36,840 Speaker 1: test day or presentation day greeted by students with Sonic blasts, 139 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,600 Speaker 1: which shout out, sonic blasts, one of the best treats 140 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: out there. 141 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,520 Speaker 2: I would email him like I would text a friend. 142 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 1: And having your phone on your desk and using it 143 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,080 Speaker 1: and showing up late to class was a very normal 144 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 1: thing to do. 145 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:50,640 Speaker 2: Most people did that. 146 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:56,640 Speaker 1: Now, while my inherent good student qualities would show up 147 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 1: in both of those classes, like I didn't go late 148 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,400 Speaker 1: to either of those classes because that's just who I was, 149 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,640 Speaker 1: I did show up in some ways differently based on 150 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:11,200 Speaker 1: how those two professors showed us how they wanted their 151 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,760 Speaker 1: classes to be treated. And now this is not because 152 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,800 Speaker 1: I'm a chameleon or because I don't have a sense 153 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,200 Speaker 1: of self. Like I said, I would show up to 154 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,680 Speaker 1: both of those classes on time, and my assignments were 155 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,600 Speaker 1: always turned in on time and they were done well. 156 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:27,040 Speaker 1: I put effort into all of them. But because both 157 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:31,920 Speaker 1: people modeled different boundaries. I attuned to those boundaries differently 158 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:35,640 Speaker 1: in those classes, So I never texted in the capstone class. 159 00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:37,600 Speaker 2: I never had my phone out. I wonder if sometimes 160 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:37,960 Speaker 2: I love my. 161 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,200 Speaker 1: Phone in my room because I was afraid it would 162 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,840 Speaker 1: even go off in that class and how bad that 163 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,640 Speaker 1: would be. But I always had my phone on my 164 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:48,520 Speaker 1: desk in this other class, and I'm sure I texted 165 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,480 Speaker 1: throughout the class, and like I said, the emails I 166 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:57,560 Speaker 1: sent were very different. So if my second professor was 167 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,880 Speaker 1: wondering why do people always show up on time to 168 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 1: your class but not mine, an easy answer would be like, oh, 169 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,679 Speaker 1: because you probably show up late often. You left when 170 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,280 Speaker 1: people come in late, you don't lock the door when 171 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,839 Speaker 1: the class starts, and so your boundaries look different. 172 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,760 Speaker 2: You're modeling how we should show up to your class. 173 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,800 Speaker 1: Also, a metaphor that came to me this week and 174 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,960 Speaker 1: I was like, Wow, that's a good metaphor and that 175 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 1: makes sense as I was talking about this kind of 176 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,040 Speaker 1: thing with somebody, was you know how when you go 177 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,560 Speaker 1: to somebody's house and you notice that there's a basket 178 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,600 Speaker 1: for shoes at the front door, and then you might 179 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,120 Speaker 1: see them put their drink on a coaster as you're 180 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,480 Speaker 1: like sitting down and hanging out. And then there are 181 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 1: those people's houses when you walk in and they're like 182 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,720 Speaker 1: sprawl out on the couch and maybe they're like cat 183 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,600 Speaker 1: or their dog or whatever pet they have. They're turtle 184 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:46,760 Speaker 1: gerbiled is on the couch with them. And when you 185 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,720 Speaker 1: sit down on the couch, you look at the coffee 186 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:51,080 Speaker 1: table and there's like rings all over it from the 187 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,400 Speaker 1: obvious not using of coasters, Well, are you more likely 188 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,120 Speaker 1: to take your shoes off at the door and use 189 00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 1: a coaster at the first house or the second house? 190 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,320 Speaker 1: Probably the first house, And if you're saying the second house, 191 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,480 Speaker 1: then you're lying now again who you are. You might 192 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,480 Speaker 1: be somebody who always has to use a coaster, That 193 00:10:08,559 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 1: might be an inherent part of you. But if you're 194 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,040 Speaker 1: not one of those people, you're probably going to do 195 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,200 Speaker 1: it at the first house, and you're not going to 196 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,920 Speaker 1: do this second house because the second house is saying, Hey, 197 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,920 Speaker 1: I don't care, you don't have to do this, and 198 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,400 Speaker 1: the first house is saying, this is really. 199 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:19,840 Speaker 2: Important to me. 200 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,560 Speaker 1: People model how they want their things to be treated. 201 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,560 Speaker 1: Humans are not different than coffee tables. In this scenario 202 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 1: that I'm giving you Now. We do this modeling on 203 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,600 Speaker 1: a spectrum of how we think we deserve to be 204 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:35,880 Speaker 1: treated and through the lens of what we think we 205 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,400 Speaker 1: can get. And you know that quote that says people 206 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,000 Speaker 1: accept the level of love that they think they deserve. 207 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,000 Speaker 1: I think it makes more sense to go a step 208 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:48,240 Speaker 1: farther and say people will accept the love that they 209 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:52,640 Speaker 1: think they can get. That feels more direct and true. So, 210 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,440 Speaker 1: if you want a guide to communicate with you consistently 211 00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:59,000 Speaker 1: but every six months when he reaches out, you have 212 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,040 Speaker 1: no issue hanging out the first time he suggests it. Well, 213 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,040 Speaker 1: if that's what you think you can get from him, 214 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,680 Speaker 1: you're going to take it. And in turn, what do 215 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:10,520 Speaker 1: you think you're going to continue to get. You're modeling 216 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:15,200 Speaker 1: to him what you want slash require, slash even need. 217 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,040 Speaker 2: And so it's hard to see the good in people. 218 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:24,120 Speaker 1: When we're constantly being hurt without understanding that we are 219 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:27,880 Speaker 1: setting ourselves up to be hurt. Right, it's hard to 220 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,480 Speaker 1: see the good in people when I'm constantly being hurt. 221 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 1: Let's just use an example of guys. Of these guys 222 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: who just you know, text me randomly and aren't consistent 223 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,360 Speaker 1: in this and that when I don't see that, I'm 224 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,040 Speaker 1: actually giving them information that tells them, hey, this is 225 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,560 Speaker 1: okay that you do this. And I think men don't 226 00:11:44,559 --> 00:11:47,440 Speaker 1: have respect, but maybe he just doesn't know how you 227 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:50,080 Speaker 1: want to be treated. And if you wanted him to 228 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 1: text you consistently, he might. I mean, he might not, 229 00:11:52,600 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: but he might. If we want to be treated with respect, 230 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,080 Speaker 1: we have to model what respect looks like for us. 231 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,080 Speaker 1: Even good people get lazy, and if there is a 232 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: way to get our needs met easier, we're probably going 233 00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:10,880 Speaker 1: to take that route. 234 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:11,319 Speaker 2: Right. 235 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,439 Speaker 1: It's not always that people are not respecting you, that 236 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,680 Speaker 1: people don't care about you, or people don't want to 237 00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:19,920 Speaker 1: put effort into their relationship with you. It might be 238 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,760 Speaker 1: that the person who you think is disrespecting you has 239 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,240 Speaker 1: no idea that you feel that way. I hear pretty 240 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:28,640 Speaker 1: often stories about partners who never help with the laundry 241 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,880 Speaker 1: or cleaning or household tasks like that, and there's usually 242 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,320 Speaker 1: this essence of resentment that boils down to not feeling 243 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 1: cared for or feeling taken advantage of. And one of 244 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:43,000 Speaker 1: the most simple questions that I ask in those situations is, well, 245 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,960 Speaker 1: have you ever asked them to do these things. Usually 246 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:52,480 Speaker 1: I get some form of no or not consistently, and 247 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,760 Speaker 1: then I'll say, okay, well, how often are you doing 248 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,800 Speaker 1: these things every day? I do it every day, every 249 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,520 Speaker 1: time this thing needs to be done. Oh well, in 250 00:13:00,559 --> 00:13:03,240 Speaker 1: my head, what I wonder is if they know that 251 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,680 Speaker 1: you want them to do them, and how important that 252 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,920 Speaker 1: is to you, and if they've even had a chance 253 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,720 Speaker 1: to do those things. If you're doing them every day, 254 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,600 Speaker 1: you're setting up an expectation that you will take care 255 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,160 Speaker 1: of those things or that these things don't bother you, 256 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,080 Speaker 1: and you show your partner that you're going to do them, 257 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,200 Speaker 1: and then you take it personally when they don't read 258 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,840 Speaker 1: your mind that you don't like having to do that, 259 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,600 Speaker 1: and trust me, I can do this too. But if 260 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,120 Speaker 1: we think someone is going to think I am asking 261 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:34,240 Speaker 1: for too much just by asking for my basic needs, 262 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,560 Speaker 1: so I don't ask and I don't receive my need, 263 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,840 Speaker 1: then that is actually my problem. It's a me problem 264 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: and not an issue with somebody not caring about you. Now, 265 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,920 Speaker 1: I've been pretty vocal about my frustration with dating coaches 266 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,920 Speaker 1: and how to guides that promise how you can get 267 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,680 Speaker 1: a guy or girl of your dreams or whatever kind 268 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 1: of person of your dreams that you want. 269 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,040 Speaker 2: And what I am not. 270 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,680 Speaker 1: Doing here is telling you how to find that and 271 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,560 Speaker 1: three easy steps. But what I am doing, and what 272 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,440 Speaker 1: I hope to be doing, is inviting all of you 273 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,720 Speaker 1: guys into a space where you can recognize the blind 274 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:11,440 Speaker 1: spots and roadblocks that you are setting up keep you 275 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,400 Speaker 1: from having the chance to find the relationships that you 276 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:18,239 Speaker 1: want in your life, whether those are friend relationships, romantic relationships, 277 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:21,360 Speaker 1: work relationships, what have you. So there are three essential 278 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:24,720 Speaker 1: parts to training people how you want to be treated, 279 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,400 Speaker 1: and those include one being aware of what it is 280 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,280 Speaker 1: that you want. And I feel like some of y'all 281 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:34,760 Speaker 1: are probably thinking, duh, obviously we do that. But I 282 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,120 Speaker 1: am serious about getting serious about this because I think 283 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:40,680 Speaker 1: often we skip the most obvious steps because since it's obvious, 284 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,880 Speaker 1: we shouldn't have to put much effort into it. But 285 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,960 Speaker 1: I don't think that's so true all the time. Some 286 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,520 Speaker 1: of us have spent our whole lives avoiding our needs, 287 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,840 Speaker 1: so it might take a second for us to actually 288 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:54,480 Speaker 1: hash these out and allow them to show up. Then 289 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,000 Speaker 1: the second part is asking for what we want. We 290 00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,600 Speaker 1: have to make these things known if we want people 291 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,720 Speaker 1: to take their shoes off. At the door, we need 292 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,480 Speaker 1: to put a basket there. If we want people to 293 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,000 Speaker 1: use a coaster on our coffee tables, we need to 294 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 1: hand one to our friends and request that they put 295 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,440 Speaker 1: their drink on it. And then the last part is 296 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,640 Speaker 1: setting boundaries, which is full circle with this whole conversation. 297 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,560 Speaker 1: And the thing about boundaries is you don't always have 298 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,160 Speaker 1: to yell them from the rooftops. You can set internal 299 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,720 Speaker 1: boundaries and a lot of these are going to be 300 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,480 Speaker 1: internal boundaries based on what it is that I want 301 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:24,920 Speaker 1: and need. 302 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,600 Speaker 2: If you don't want to be a booty. 303 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:30,200 Speaker 1: Call, don't answer a text from somebody at ten pm 304 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:31,680 Speaker 1: asking if you have plans that night. 305 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,160 Speaker 2: And if somebody. 306 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:34,920 Speaker 1: Refuses to use a coaster at your house, which I 307 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,440 Speaker 1: think would be kind of insane, don't invite them to 308 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:39,880 Speaker 1: your house again. Or if they come back to your house, 309 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:43,160 Speaker 1: you can tell them no drinks allowed inside. Something that 310 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,680 Speaker 1: I always feel necessary to remind people when boundaries get 311 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:48,960 Speaker 1: brought up at all is that we are responsible for 312 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:52,680 Speaker 1: upholding those Those are not anybody else's responsibilities. So if 313 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,600 Speaker 1: I have a boundary that I want to be respected, 314 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:59,800 Speaker 1: I am in charge of actually holding onto whatever consequence 315 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:04,440 Speaker 1: with that not being met. Otherwise, our boundaries just become suggestions, 316 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,080 Speaker 1: and like I said, people like to take the easy ways. 317 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,080 Speaker 2: And if it's just. 318 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:09,960 Speaker 1: A suggestion, but you're not going to do anything about it, 319 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,560 Speaker 1: and they still get their needs met. There's no motivation 320 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,880 Speaker 1: to do anything different. Now when we don't do this, 321 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:18,480 Speaker 1: when we don't set boundaries, and we get treated poorly 322 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,960 Speaker 1: or maybe just not how we want to be treated. 323 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:24,200 Speaker 1: Oftentimes we have an experience of thinking that, like I 324 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,440 Speaker 1: said before, people suck. I can't count on anybody. People 325 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,840 Speaker 1: don't value me, people don't care about me, or some 326 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:33,960 Speaker 1: version of something negative about the world when we are 327 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,800 Speaker 1: kids and our needs are not met. Something kids do 328 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,280 Speaker 1: children do because of the stage of their development is 329 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,480 Speaker 1: that they assume their needs are not met because there's 330 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:45,520 Speaker 1: something wrong with them. It's an ecocentric way of looking 331 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,240 Speaker 1: at the world. The world revolves around me. That is 332 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:51,040 Speaker 1: on par with the stage of development that kids are in. 333 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,680 Speaker 1: We are supposed to grow out of this linear way 334 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,040 Speaker 1: of thinking equals be We can see that there's more 335 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,440 Speaker 1: to it as we get older. What we learn while 336 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 1: we experience secure attachment is that the world actually doesn't 337 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:06,800 Speaker 1: revolve around us individually, and often the reason XYZ happened 338 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,880 Speaker 1: really had nothing to do with me personally. But if 339 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,119 Speaker 1: I'm sitting on the edge of an avoidant or an 340 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:15,480 Speaker 1: anxious attachment, then I might stay in this ego brain 341 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,679 Speaker 1: and we don't get to experience the differentiation between others' 342 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,919 Speaker 1: behavior and my own worth. We solidify this lens with 343 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,440 Speaker 1: beliefs like I am not worthy, I am not good enough, 344 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,680 Speaker 1: I am not wanted, I am too much, And that's 345 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,200 Speaker 1: how I end up viewing a lot of the things 346 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,280 Speaker 1: that happen in my life. 347 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,040 Speaker 2: The reality is that people will just point you. 348 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,720 Speaker 1: There will be people who do not value you enough 349 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,120 Speaker 1: to put in effort to do the things that you want. 350 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:42,280 Speaker 1: Being a human on earth and choosing to engage in 351 00:17:42,359 --> 00:17:47,200 Speaker 1: human relationships is an automatic ticket to at some point 352 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:51,119 Speaker 1: feel rejected in some way. Now, what I need you 353 00:17:51,119 --> 00:17:54,840 Speaker 1: guys to know is that this is more due to 354 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:58,000 Speaker 1: the nature of being a human being and the fact 355 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 1: that human beings are imperfect, rather than any one person's 356 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,919 Speaker 1: actual inherent value and insecure attachment. Our attempts to avoid 357 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,879 Speaker 1: abandonment and rejection is like the number one goal. We 358 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,600 Speaker 1: are taught the message that there is no hope for 359 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:17,200 Speaker 1: our needs being met, or that hope is very inconsistent. 360 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:19,159 Speaker 1: So when you have hope, you better hold on to 361 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,040 Speaker 1: it and not let it go. While at the same 362 00:18:22,119 --> 00:18:25,040 Speaker 1: time we have this need to maintain connection and attempt 363 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,760 Speaker 1: to experience love and belonging. And if you want more information, 364 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,040 Speaker 1: if you're like, oh, I don't really get this, what 365 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,480 Speaker 1: are you talking about? If you want more information on attachment, 366 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:36,159 Speaker 1: I have a couple episodes just search you need therapy 367 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,480 Speaker 1: and attachment, and you will find those. I have two 368 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:41,640 Speaker 1: on attachment in general, and then I have one specifically 369 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:45,200 Speaker 1: on anxious attachment. I have another one specifically on avoidant 370 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:48,919 Speaker 1: attachment that you can dive into. And those honestly might 371 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,359 Speaker 1: be helpful to listen to more than one time, because 372 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,720 Speaker 1: it's information that might sometimes float away as we continue 373 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,160 Speaker 1: to move on in our our own world with our 374 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:02,200 Speaker 1: own lenses. So when this happens, when we have these 375 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:06,800 Speaker 1: insecure attachments going on, what people do a lot of 376 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,800 Speaker 1: times is they engage in patterns of behavior that reinforce 377 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:13,080 Speaker 1: the negative belief that they have about themselves because their 378 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:16,840 Speaker 1: ego is not strong enough to sit in uncomfortable, unknown 379 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,960 Speaker 1: experiences but while they're doing this, what they think they're 380 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,600 Speaker 1: doing is the opposite. Their defense mechanisms become their blind spots, 381 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,760 Speaker 1: and while they believe they are protecting themselves, they end 382 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,760 Speaker 1: up deepening wounds that drive their inability to actually set 383 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:33,119 Speaker 1: the boundaries that we're talking about now. If I refuse 384 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:35,120 Speaker 1: to ask for my needs and fear that people don't 385 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,479 Speaker 1: value me enough to show up for me in those ways, 386 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,119 Speaker 1: I am one not giving anybody the opportunity to disprove 387 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,640 Speaker 1: that fear, which allows it to continue to ring true. Two, 388 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:48,000 Speaker 1: I'm setting the people up around me up to let 389 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:52,040 Speaker 1: me down. And three, I am spending my time catering 390 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,679 Speaker 1: to people who might not respect me or care for 391 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:58,040 Speaker 1: me because I don't end up weeding out the people 392 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,280 Speaker 1: that don't deserve to be in my life, which which 393 00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:04,280 Speaker 1: is not a unique problem for any one person. We 394 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,840 Speaker 1: all have those people in our lives, no matter who 395 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:10,199 Speaker 1: we are, and you're often left spending the majority of 396 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,000 Speaker 1: your time hanging out with people that don't meet your 397 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:16,000 Speaker 1: needs because you basically tell them that it's okay not 398 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:21,160 Speaker 1: to through your behavior. And this happens because the uncomfortable 399 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,600 Speaker 1: space of finding out if people will be able to 400 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,119 Speaker 1: show up for you or will want to show up 401 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:31,840 Speaker 1: for you, feels too risky, and it ends up being 402 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,879 Speaker 1: this is better than nothing. So if you're listening to 403 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,720 Speaker 1: this and relating hard, good and I don't mean that 404 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,240 Speaker 1: and good. I'm glad you have experiences that feel crappy, 405 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,440 Speaker 1: But I mean that is good because what is true 406 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:45,000 Speaker 1: is that it. 407 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,120 Speaker 2: Doesn't have to be this way. 408 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,840 Speaker 1: And if you are aware that it is this way, 409 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,720 Speaker 1: then you can hear me say it doesn't have to 410 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,480 Speaker 1: be this way. And it may be a journey to 411 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:56,440 Speaker 1: get out of where you are, and it may come 412 00:20:56,480 --> 00:21:01,119 Speaker 1: with risks. Those risks might include hard feelings or experiencing 413 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 1: rejection or confusing people because you start to change your 414 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,760 Speaker 1: behavior and that's confusing to people. But again, it doesn't 415 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,840 Speaker 1: have to stay this way. Those things don't have to 416 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,640 Speaker 1: be roadblocks for you getting out of this. And when 417 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,560 Speaker 1: these shifts are made, not only do you give yourself 418 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:19,960 Speaker 1: the opportunity to be loved the way you want and 419 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,359 Speaker 1: the way you deserve, you also open up a space 420 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,800 Speaker 1: to see the world in a much more beautiful light. 421 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,320 Speaker 1: And yes, there is bad in the world. There is 422 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,320 Speaker 1: evil in the world, but there is a lot of 423 00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:36,360 Speaker 1: good out there too, and acknowledging the bad doesn't mean 424 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,480 Speaker 1: we can't enjoy the good at the same time. And 425 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,880 Speaker 1: that is going to do it for You need therapy today, 426 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,920 Speaker 1: And if you want to send me a message or 427 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,800 Speaker 1: a question for couch Talks, which is the episode that 428 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,879 Speaker 1: comes out on Wednesdays where I answer questions that you 429 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,680 Speaker 1: guys send in to me, then you can email Katherine 430 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:57,040 Speaker 1: at Therapy podcast dot com and I will be back 431 00:21:57,080 --> 00:22:06,200 Speaker 1: with you guys on Wednesday for couch Talks