WEBVTT - 6 Mistakes We Make in Relationships & 4 Ways to Make Them Right

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<v Speaker 1>It's not the big things that destroy relationships, it's the

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<v Speaker 1>accumulation of small, everyday things. Hey, everyone, welcome back to

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<v Speaker 1>On Purpose. I'm Jay Shetty, and I love getting to

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<v Speaker 1>record these for you. I feel so grateful that you

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<v Speaker 1>lend me your ears for a few hours every week

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<v Speaker 1>so that we can find that inner clarity, that inner stillness,

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<v Speaker 1>that space to reflect, to think and to make decisions.

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<v Speaker 1>When we're running around, when we're chasing a result, when

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<v Speaker 1>we're caught up in the hustle and bustle and the

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<v Speaker 1>hectic nature of our lives, we get more tired, we

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<v Speaker 1>make poorer decisions, and then we often feel confused and constrained.

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<v Speaker 1>But this time that we take out every week, don't

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<v Speaker 1>underestimate it. Don't underestimate it. It's so powerful, this investment

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<v Speaker 1>that you make in yourself every single week. Thank you,

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<v Speaker 1>and make sure you thank yourself honestly, because it takes

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<v Speaker 1>a lot. That you chose growth over some immediate gratification.

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<v Speaker 1>You chose development over some distraction. You chose education and

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<v Speaker 1>enlightenment over some brief entertainment. And I hope I make

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<v Speaker 1>these entertaining too, But genuinely, just take a moment to

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<v Speaker 1>acknowledge that. I know you're being hard on yourself. I

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<v Speaker 1>know some of you are judging yourselves. Take a moment

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<v Speaker 1>to recognize one incredible investments you're making in yourself. Now

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<v Speaker 1>today we're talking about the six relationship mistakes we make.

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<v Speaker 1>And these happen in love, these happen with our friends,

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<v Speaker 1>these happen all around. I want to speak to these

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<v Speaker 1>six because they're often missed, skipped, forgotten, overlooked. Because it's

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<v Speaker 1>not the big things that destroy relationships, it's the accumulation

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<v Speaker 1>of small, everyday things. When you see a relationship breakdown,

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<v Speaker 1>whether it's a divorce or a breakup, a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>the times our reactions like, oh my gosh, I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>see that coming. I can't believe it. I thought they

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<v Speaker 1>were really happy, And then we think, well, what could

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<v Speaker 1>have happened all of a sudden, Like what made that happen?

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<v Speaker 1>The answer is never one big thing. It's lots of small,

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<v Speaker 1>tiny things that compounded to lead to that. I saw

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<v Speaker 1>this amazing video on social media the other day, and

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<v Speaker 1>it looked like it was from an area with natural

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<v Speaker 1>rock and water, and it was showing how, at different years,

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<v Speaker 1>how much a few drops of water eroded the rock.

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<v Speaker 1>So five years, twenty five years, fifty years, and you

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<v Speaker 1>could see how in five years the water was slightly

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<v Speaker 1>eroding the rock, then in twenty five years it was

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<v Speaker 1>a bit deeper, and then in fifty years it was deep,

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<v Speaker 1>almost like a waterfall. And it was incredible to see

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<v Speaker 1>how that accumulation creates impact over time. So these six

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<v Speaker 1>things may seem insignificant, they may seem small. They may

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<v Speaker 1>seem like, oh, it's not a big deal, and it's like, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>on its own, it's not a big deal. But when

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<v Speaker 1>they're put together, they're a huge deal. And these huge

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<v Speaker 1>deals become deal breakers. Right, These small deals that get

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<v Speaker 1>added up to become big deals become deal breakers. The

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<v Speaker 1>first mistake we make in relationships is being overly critical

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<v Speaker 1>and complaining about our partners. How many of you be honest?

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<v Speaker 1>Raise your hands, say something critical to your partner on

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<v Speaker 1>a monthly basis. Keep your hand up if you say

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<v Speaker 1>something critical about them to them on a weekly basis.

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<v Speaker 1>Now you look really weird because you're walking around with

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<v Speaker 1>your hand up, But it's okay. You're listening to my podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>You can tell people that keep your hand up if

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<v Speaker 1>you say something critical to your partner every day. Maybe

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<v Speaker 1>it's like, well, you never get the dishes done, you

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<v Speaker 1>always leave this out. That's a complaint, but often it's

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<v Speaker 1>followed up with some criticism. And there's a difference between

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<v Speaker 1>criticism and complaining nagging your partner if they're making a mistake,

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<v Speaker 1>there's better ways of going about it, But that's not criticism.

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<v Speaker 1>Criticism is when you say you're so unorganized, you're so

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<v Speaker 1>late all the time, you're such a distracted person. Notice

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<v Speaker 1>how there's a difference between saying, hey, the dishes are

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<v Speaker 1>left out versus you're always distracted, You're always looking for

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<v Speaker 1>the easy way out. A criticism is when you are

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<v Speaker 1>talking about that person and there is no distinction between

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<v Speaker 1>that person and the issue. You're saying. That's who they are,

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<v Speaker 1>not that's what they do. A complaint is when it's

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<v Speaker 1>like I'm complaining because I don't like this. Criticism is

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<v Speaker 1>I don't like this about you. Notice the difference between

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<v Speaker 1>I don't like this versus I don't like this about you.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a lot harder to take when that criticism compounds. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>this is so easy to fall into a trap of

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<v Speaker 1>because we are not used to understanding that people are

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<v Speaker 1>different from their traits. They existed before that trait. They

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<v Speaker 1>may let go of that trait one day, and they'll

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<v Speaker 1>still exist afterwards. And what we don't realize is that's

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<v Speaker 1>because we don't free ourselves from recognizing we're different to

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<v Speaker 1>our traits. For example, we say things like I'm so unorganized,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm the worst. I'm just always unfocused. Right, we're saying

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<v Speaker 1>I am unfocused, I am distracted, I am unorganized. No,

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<v Speaker 1>the truth is you've just developed unorganized habits. The truth

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<v Speaker 1>is you've just become used to and conditioned to be distracted.

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<v Speaker 1>You are not distracted as an individual, You've just developed

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<v Speaker 1>certain habits. And so, in the same way as we're

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<v Speaker 1>tough on ourselves, we're tough on our partners. And often

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<v Speaker 1>the criticism that we share with our partners is somewhere

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<v Speaker 1>being triggered from somewhere inside where we're unhappy with ourselves.

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<v Speaker 1>The issues we notice in them are so often the

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<v Speaker 1>issues we have within ourselves. We're upset at ourselves for

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<v Speaker 1>being unorganized, and so when we see our partners wasting time,

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<v Speaker 1>we clamp down on them and say, you always waste time,

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<v Speaker 1>You're such a time waster. And deep inside, we're talking

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<v Speaker 1>to ourselves. How many of you have had this experience

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<v Speaker 1>where in reality you are talking to yourself, you're talking

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<v Speaker 1>about yourself. I know it's a hard one to stomach,

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<v Speaker 1>but it's true. Think about the last criticism not a complaint. Remember,

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<v Speaker 1>complaints are normal and there are healthier ways to complain.

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<v Speaker 1>But when we're being critical, we have to realize that

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<v Speaker 1>we've gone down a different path. So how can we

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<v Speaker 1>first evolve our criticism to being complaining. That's the first step.

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<v Speaker 1>Instead of criticizing, let's complain. We can all make that step.

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<v Speaker 1>Instead of telling them that they're time wasters, instead of

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<v Speaker 1>telling them that they're useless, instead of telling them that

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<v Speaker 1>they're unfocused or unorganized or distracted, let's tell them that

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<v Speaker 1>we don't like that this is happening. It's not the best,

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<v Speaker 1>but it's healthier. And then let's evolve one step further

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<v Speaker 1>where we get creative. Where we get creative about scheduling

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<v Speaker 1>opportunities to remove complaints. We get creative around dividing responsibilities

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<v Speaker 1>so we don't need to complain. We get creative around

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<v Speaker 1>our commitment to each other and what we expect from

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<v Speaker 1>each other. Criticism chips away at someone. They may not

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<v Speaker 1>say it, they may not understand it, they may not

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<v Speaker 1>recognize it, but it chips away. As it chips away

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<v Speaker 1>again and again and again, it slowly weakens a relationship.

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<v Speaker 1>You may think I've only said it three times. For them,

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<v Speaker 1>it might have tipped them over the edge. You may say, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't mean it. You know, I'm not saying it

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<v Speaker 1>like that, but they didn't take it like that. It's

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<v Speaker 1>so important to recognize criticism does not fit into a

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<v Speaker 1>long lasting relationship. And for those of you that have

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<v Speaker 1>been dealing with criticism, you fighting back with criticism doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>work either, and you staying silent doesn't work either. You

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<v Speaker 1>can actually rise to be constructive and say, how can

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<v Speaker 1>we improve this? What steps can we take to constructively

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<v Speaker 1>make this better? What are the actions that I can

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<v Speaker 1>take that we can take together to construct a better

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<v Speaker 1>environment for both of us, to make you feel better,

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<v Speaker 1>to make you feel different. So there's another strep that

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<v Speaker 1>you can take in being constructive. So that's number one criticism.

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<v Speaker 1>The second is a really interesting one because sometimes it's

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<v Speaker 1>seen as a sign of love because it's joking. But

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<v Speaker 1>this is where jokes go too far. It's like sarcasm.

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe it's passive aggressive comments. There's that feeling of trying

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<v Speaker 1>to hit it something and poke it something deep inside

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<v Speaker 1>that person or important to that person, and it starts

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<v Speaker 1>as a joke. Right. They always say there's some truth

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<v Speaker 1>behind a joke, But when you're using a joke, when

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<v Speaker 1>you're using sarcasm to communicate it because you don't want

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<v Speaker 1>to communicate it through an adult, mature conversation. How many

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<v Speaker 1>times again, be honest, how many times have you used

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<v Speaker 1>a joke as a way of trying to get a

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<v Speaker 1>point across to someone or use sarcasm like oh yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>that's what I expected, or you say something like oh yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>oh my god. They're always lay oh yeah, how funny,

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<v Speaker 1>Like you know, they're never on time, they never get there,

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<v Speaker 1>and really you're laying into that person. It's really interesting

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<v Speaker 1>because in the UK we talk a lot about banter

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<v Speaker 1>culture and a lot of the time when people from

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<v Speaker 1>the UK are joking around, I've had a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>friends who are a bit like, wow, that's really intense,

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<v Speaker 1>Like you guys really laid into each other. And sometimes

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<v Speaker 1>in the UK it feels like the more you can

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<v Speaker 1>banter with someone, the more you actually love them. But

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<v Speaker 1>what we find is that in a relationship, when you're

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<v Speaker 1>in a romantic relationship with someone, yes, you should be

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<v Speaker 1>able to laugh at yourselves. I highly recommend that. I

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<v Speaker 1>think that's good. You should be able to laugh at

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<v Speaker 1>each other, but you shouldn't be using sarcasm and jokes

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<v Speaker 1>as a way of communicating how you actually feel about someone.

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<v Speaker 1>The difference with your friends is you all go home

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<v Speaker 1>at night, go to sleep, separate bed, separate homes, separate lives,

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<v Speaker 1>and then see each other again maybe next weekend. But

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<v Speaker 1>with your partner, you're with them every single day, and

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<v Speaker 1>so they read into it more. They feel like it's

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<v Speaker 1>truly about their character. They feel like it triggers another

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<v Speaker 1>part of themselves. And often our partners get more triggered

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<v Speaker 1>if we said something compared to if their family or

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<v Speaker 1>their parents said something. And that's because they think you

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<v Speaker 1>know them better. Your partner thinks that you see all

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<v Speaker 1>of them, and so if you feel that way, then

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<v Speaker 1>it must be true. I really want you to take

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<v Speaker 1>a moment to ask yourself, just for the next week,

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<v Speaker 1>become aware of how many sarcastic jokes you make, or

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<v Speaker 1>how many passive, aggressive statements you make and it will

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<v Speaker 1>shock you. When I did this, I was like, wow,

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't realize that avery reaction to everything, and I

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<v Speaker 1>started thinking to myself, Okay, I really, really really need

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<v Speaker 1>to be careful with this, because I'm pushing someone away

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<v Speaker 1>by pushing on things about them that they may even

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<v Speaker 1>be uncomfortable with. Because when you're close to someone, you

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<v Speaker 1>know what they're uncomfortable about, and if you push that button,

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<v Speaker 1>you are pushing them away. You can't hit someone where

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<v Speaker 1>it hurts when you love them and you know them

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<v Speaker 1>and they feel they've been vulnerable with you. And that's

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<v Speaker 1>the biggest thing when sarcasm relates to someone's vulnerability. If

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<v Speaker 1>someone has been open with you and honest with you

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<v Speaker 1>about what they're going through and what they're experienced, and

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<v Speaker 1>now you've used that against them, that is really challenging

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<v Speaker 1>plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant life and simple

0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:39.560
<v Speaker 1>steps for positive actions to get you closer to the

0:14:39.640 --> 0:14:42.560
<v Speaker 1>life of your dreams. Meditate with me by going to

0:14:42.640 --> 0:14:45.640
<v Speaker 1>Calm dot com forward slash Jay to get forty percent

0:14:45.680 --> 0:14:49.240
<v Speaker 1>off a Calm Premium membership. That's only forty two dollars

0:14:49.240 --> 0:14:53.280
<v Speaker 1>for the whole year for a daily guided meditation experienced

0:14:53.280 --> 0:14:59.800
<v Speaker 1>the Daily Jay only on Calm. The third one often

0:15:00.040 --> 0:15:03.760
<v Speaker 1>results from some of these, and it's what we do,

0:15:03.800 --> 0:15:07.320
<v Speaker 1>which is we deflect, right, we become deflective, We become

0:15:07.360 --> 0:15:12.320
<v Speaker 1>defensive where we shut down and we don't take any responsibility.

0:15:12.360 --> 0:15:15.800
<v Speaker 1>There is no long term relationship that can last in

0:15:15.840 --> 0:15:21.200
<v Speaker 1>a healthy way if there isn't a healthy acceptance of responsibility.

0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:23.840
<v Speaker 1>And what I find in this is that often our

0:15:23.920 --> 0:15:27.440
<v Speaker 1>acceptance of responsibilities like, yeah, I did it fine, I

0:15:27.520 --> 0:15:29.080
<v Speaker 1>know I did it all right. I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:31.360
<v Speaker 1>I'm always wrong, And so it's not even said with

0:15:31.400 --> 0:15:36.040
<v Speaker 1>an honest sincerity, and it's not said with an understanding

0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:39.520
<v Speaker 1>of Hey, I'm not losing. I'm not weak if I

0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:42.280
<v Speaker 1>made a mistake. If I accept that I made a mistake,

0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:44.600
<v Speaker 1>it doesn't put me in a position of weakness. And

0:15:44.600 --> 0:15:46.600
<v Speaker 1>if it does, then maybe I'm not with the right person.

0:15:46.640 --> 0:15:49.600
<v Speaker 1>If they're going to use that against me every time,

0:15:50.520 --> 0:15:55.280
<v Speaker 1>then that's a manipulative tactic. That doesn't sound healthy at all. Right,

0:15:56.080 --> 0:16:00.240
<v Speaker 1>So maybe the issue is not that at all. Maybe

0:16:00.360 --> 0:16:06.240
<v Speaker 1>the issue is that I need to take responsibility when

0:16:06.240 --> 0:16:09.200
<v Speaker 1>I've made a mistake. I then can't also point fingers

0:16:09.200 --> 0:16:11.600
<v Speaker 1>and say you take responsibility when you've made a mistake.

0:16:11.600 --> 0:16:13.920
<v Speaker 1>It's not like saying well, I took responsiblity, why didn't you?

0:16:13.960 --> 0:16:17.480
<v Speaker 1>It's about saying, well, where is our responsibility in this?

0:16:17.600 --> 0:16:20.160
<v Speaker 1>I think that's the other part where we almost make

0:16:20.200 --> 0:16:23.320
<v Speaker 1>it a well you take responsibility or I take responsibility,

0:16:23.480 --> 0:16:26.440
<v Speaker 1>and it's like, well, no, where is both of our

0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:30.280
<v Speaker 1>responsibility in this? Maybe this was your job, but maybe

0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:33.480
<v Speaker 1>it was never explained to you properly. Maybe this was

0:16:33.560 --> 0:16:36.000
<v Speaker 1>part of what you do at the home, but maybe

0:16:36.040 --> 0:16:39.000
<v Speaker 1>you didn't understand all of it. Maybe I didn't do

0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:41.480
<v Speaker 1>a good job at setting you up. And so I

0:16:41.520 --> 0:16:43.800
<v Speaker 1>find that that happens a lot with responsibility, where it

0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:46.760
<v Speaker 1>becomes binary, becomes black or white, you all them, when

0:16:46.800 --> 0:16:51.280
<v Speaker 1>actually it's always us, it's always us. How can we

0:16:51.360 --> 0:16:55.240
<v Speaker 1>move away from you and me to us and we

0:16:56.000 --> 0:16:59.760
<v Speaker 1>that's the goal, from you and me to us? And

0:17:01.120 --> 0:17:04.160
<v Speaker 1>how can we make that switch? How can we make

0:17:04.200 --> 0:17:07.520
<v Speaker 1>that switch from our language not being well, you did this,

0:17:07.600 --> 0:17:10.639
<v Speaker 1>you take responsibility. I took responsibility. Now us and we

0:17:10.960 --> 0:17:15.480
<v Speaker 1>what is our responsibility? What responsibility can we take? So

0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:19.920
<v Speaker 1>that defensiveness or that deflectiveness creates issues long term because

0:17:19.920 --> 0:17:22.480
<v Speaker 1>people start to think, well, if you're never responsible for

0:17:22.520 --> 0:17:26.320
<v Speaker 1>anything and you're not willing to take that responsibility, then

0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:31.359
<v Speaker 1>do you actually recognize my feelings? Do you actually understand

0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:35.680
<v Speaker 1>how I feel? Are you conscious of this? The next

0:17:35.720 --> 0:17:41.119
<v Speaker 1>one is disconnecting or being aloof when you argue, you

0:17:41.200 --> 0:17:45.880
<v Speaker 1>just don't talk for three days when you had some miscommunication.

0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:49.639
<v Speaker 1>You don't respond to each other. That shutting down, switching

0:17:49.680 --> 0:17:57.320
<v Speaker 1>off and never reconnecting is different to someone who becomes

0:17:57.400 --> 0:18:00.760
<v Speaker 1>quiet to respond effectively. And this is where we have

0:18:00.800 --> 0:18:03.840
<v Speaker 1>to become better at sensing and learning and understanding our

0:18:03.880 --> 0:18:08.000
<v Speaker 1>partners and having conversations about this. So some people like

0:18:08.119 --> 0:18:10.520
<v Speaker 1>to shut down, so they can switch off and think

0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:12.919
<v Speaker 1>about it so that they can come back to it

0:18:13.040 --> 0:18:17.560
<v Speaker 1>later with more stillness, more poise, more clarity. But some

0:18:17.600 --> 0:18:19.320
<v Speaker 1>people just want to sweep it under the rug and

0:18:19.359 --> 0:18:21.520
<v Speaker 1>not talk about it at all and disconnect from it

0:18:21.720 --> 0:18:24.560
<v Speaker 1>and be aloof and not think about it, and then

0:18:24.600 --> 0:18:26.480
<v Speaker 1>they go quiet and then they come back to being

0:18:26.480 --> 0:18:31.480
<v Speaker 1>normal a week later. That soundhealthy. That soundhealthy because there's

0:18:31.480 --> 0:18:34.199
<v Speaker 1>always one person who feels like they never got to

0:18:34.240 --> 0:18:37.480
<v Speaker 1>share how they truly feel. And if they didn't get

0:18:37.480 --> 0:18:39.399
<v Speaker 1>a chance to share they feel. Guess what that's going

0:18:39.480 --> 0:18:42.919
<v Speaker 1>to compound, that's going to accumulate, and then that's what

0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:46.520
<v Speaker 1>you're going to experience when we have those big arguments.

0:18:46.560 --> 0:18:48.359
<v Speaker 1>You're like, where did this come from? I thought we

0:18:48.359 --> 0:18:51.760
<v Speaker 1>were okay. It's because yes, you thought you were okay.

0:18:51.800 --> 0:18:55.040
<v Speaker 1>But what about them? We process everything in our head

0:18:55.080 --> 0:18:56.919
<v Speaker 1>and we think, okay, Well, if I processed in my

0:18:56.960 --> 0:18:59.480
<v Speaker 1>head by just forgetting about it, then they must forget

0:18:59.480 --> 0:19:02.280
<v Speaker 1>about it too. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't

0:19:02.280 --> 0:19:04.560
<v Speaker 1>mean you have the same mind. It doesn't mean you

0:19:04.640 --> 0:19:07.640
<v Speaker 1>process things in the same way. It doesn't mean that

0:19:07.680 --> 0:19:11.680
<v Speaker 1>you go through the same things at the same time.

0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:15.760
<v Speaker 1>So if someone disconnects, check in with them and say, hey,

0:19:15.760 --> 0:19:17.760
<v Speaker 1>when can we talk about this again? When would be

0:19:17.840 --> 0:19:19.840
<v Speaker 1>a good time to discuss this? And if they say well,

0:19:19.880 --> 0:19:22.320
<v Speaker 1>not now, never, just say, well, it would be really

0:19:22.480 --> 0:19:24.479
<v Speaker 1>useful for me to have a conversation about this. When

0:19:24.520 --> 0:19:26.439
<v Speaker 1>you're ready, just bring it up to me. You may

0:19:26.440 --> 0:19:28.359
<v Speaker 1>give them a week, a couple of weeks, but then

0:19:28.400 --> 0:19:30.880
<v Speaker 1>you'll address it. But if you just feel like, oh, yeah,

0:19:30.880 --> 0:19:32.359
<v Speaker 1>this is what they do every time they get angry,

0:19:32.359 --> 0:19:33.600
<v Speaker 1>then they go quiet for a week, but then we

0:19:33.680 --> 0:19:37.880
<v Speaker 1>just talk and go back to normal, that doesn't support

0:19:37.920 --> 0:19:43.080
<v Speaker 1>the long term of a healthy relationship. This one fascinated me.

0:19:43.280 --> 0:19:47.280
<v Speaker 1>It was a three year study found that divorce rates

0:19:47.720 --> 0:19:51.600
<v Speaker 1>were reduced by more than half by watching movies about

0:19:51.600 --> 0:19:56.119
<v Speaker 1>relationships and discussing them afterwards. And that's really interesting. I

0:19:56.160 --> 0:20:02.760
<v Speaker 1>guess the idea that learning from others relationships is a

0:20:02.800 --> 0:20:07.159
<v Speaker 1>healthy way of processing how you want to live yours.

0:20:07.680 --> 0:20:09.840
<v Speaker 1>Right when we're learning, when we're reflecting. It's not just

0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:12.680
<v Speaker 1>about watching shows together, movies together. The key part was

0:20:12.840 --> 0:20:18.040
<v Speaker 1>discussing the movie afterwards, discussing it, analyzing it, breaking it down.

0:20:18.160 --> 0:20:19.560
<v Speaker 1>Now you may say, oh, how can you do that

0:20:19.600 --> 0:20:22.560
<v Speaker 1>with the romcom. I mean they're pretty basic. Well, no,

0:20:22.720 --> 0:20:24.520
<v Speaker 1>how could you get deep into a character? There's a

0:20:24.520 --> 0:20:27.480
<v Speaker 1>love story hidden in most movies. But the idea of

0:20:27.840 --> 0:20:32.880
<v Speaker 1>talking about other relationships in order to figure out your

0:20:32.960 --> 0:20:36.800
<v Speaker 1>own was a great way to start that conversation about

0:20:36.840 --> 0:20:38.840
<v Speaker 1>your own relationship. Sometimes people are like Jay, I don't

0:20:38.840 --> 0:20:40.919
<v Speaker 1>even know how to talk to my partner about our relationship.

0:20:41.440 --> 0:20:43.800
<v Speaker 1>It's great to use a movie. You watch the movie,

0:20:43.800 --> 0:20:45.560
<v Speaker 1>you watch the TV show, you watched an episode, and

0:20:45.600 --> 0:20:48.359
<v Speaker 1>now you can have a conversation about something that happened

0:20:48.359 --> 0:20:50.439
<v Speaker 1>in the show that was a tough part. That's a

0:20:50.600 --> 0:20:55.000
<v Speaker 1>great jump off point. And so I find that often

0:20:55.119 --> 0:20:57.919
<v Speaker 1>we don't realize that these simple things can have a

0:20:57.920 --> 0:21:04.439
<v Speaker 1>massive impact because the art of discussion engages us. When

0:21:04.480 --> 0:21:06.880
<v Speaker 1>we're talking about someone else, we can now finally talk

0:21:06.920 --> 0:21:10.399
<v Speaker 1>about how we really feel. And the key there is

0:21:10.440 --> 0:21:13.600
<v Speaker 1>to not get triggered by something our partner says, but

0:21:13.680 --> 0:21:17.960
<v Speaker 1>to really hear them out, to really understand their perspective,

0:21:18.560 --> 0:21:20.920
<v Speaker 1>to really try and see their train of thought, even

0:21:20.960 --> 0:21:23.520
<v Speaker 1>if we disagree, to give them the space and then

0:21:23.600 --> 0:21:29.080
<v Speaker 1>engage in a discussion. The challenges that our discussions are

0:21:29.119 --> 0:21:33.320
<v Speaker 1>not discussions of debates they turn into angry arguments, and

0:21:33.359 --> 0:21:36.240
<v Speaker 1>that's because one of us gets triggered. So let's say

0:21:36.240 --> 0:21:38.480
<v Speaker 1>you see a movie and let's say in the movie,

0:21:39.040 --> 0:21:40.639
<v Speaker 1>the guy takes a girl out on a date and

0:21:40.680 --> 0:21:44.720
<v Speaker 1>he doesn't pay. And now someone in your life saying, well, yeah,

0:21:44.720 --> 0:21:46.719
<v Speaker 1>that makes sense. I mean he shouldn't pay. You know,

0:21:47.080 --> 0:21:49.320
<v Speaker 1>we're trying to get to a world of equality, and

0:21:49.359 --> 0:21:51.960
<v Speaker 1>that makes sense. Right. Say, Let's say that's their perspective.

0:21:52.480 --> 0:21:54.199
<v Speaker 1>Now you may be triggered by them and be like, well, no,

0:21:54.280 --> 0:21:56.080
<v Speaker 1>he should pay for the date because you know she

0:21:56.160 --> 0:21:58.680
<v Speaker 1>said yes to him and it should be his job.

0:21:59.040 --> 0:22:01.160
<v Speaker 1>Now you could turn into an argument, or you could

0:22:01.200 --> 0:22:04.720
<v Speaker 1>analyze it and understand the deeper value. And when you

0:22:04.760 --> 0:22:06.800
<v Speaker 1>get to the value, you might see that you actually

0:22:06.800 --> 0:22:10.199
<v Speaker 1>agree versus when you focus on how that value is

0:22:10.240 --> 0:22:15.679
<v Speaker 1>displayed in that moment. That's number five. Number six is

0:22:15.720 --> 0:22:19.520
<v Speaker 1>recognizing that a lot of relationships today we get into

0:22:19.600 --> 0:22:22.880
<v Speaker 1>them because we're not just looking for comfort and stability.

0:22:23.440 --> 0:22:26.520
<v Speaker 1>We're looking for growth. We're looking for a partner. We're

0:22:26.520 --> 0:22:29.440
<v Speaker 1>looking for someone who supports us. We're looking for someone

0:22:29.440 --> 0:22:32.960
<v Speaker 1>who believes in us. Almost we're expecting our partners these

0:22:33.000 --> 0:22:35.840
<v Speaker 1>days to be coaches, and that's a lot of pressure.

0:22:35.880 --> 0:22:39.439
<v Speaker 1>We shouldn't put that pressure on our partners. But you know,

0:22:39.480 --> 0:22:42.040
<v Speaker 1>I often feel that way when I'm coaching my clients.

0:22:42.119 --> 0:22:45.000
<v Speaker 1>A lot of people will say, well, you know, like, oh,

0:22:45.040 --> 0:22:47.639
<v Speaker 1>I wish my partner would think like this, and I'm like, well,

0:22:47.760 --> 0:22:50.200
<v Speaker 1>that doesn't make sense because they're not trained to be

0:22:50.240 --> 0:22:54.160
<v Speaker 1>a coach, so they can't. They can start thinking like that,

0:22:54.200 --> 0:22:56.360
<v Speaker 1>but we shouldn't put that pressure on them right off

0:22:56.359 --> 0:23:00.000
<v Speaker 1>the bat. So recognizing that your partner as their own journey,

0:23:00.520 --> 0:23:02.240
<v Speaker 1>how can you help them? How can you support them?

0:23:02.240 --> 0:23:04.040
<v Speaker 1>How can they help you? How can they support you?

0:23:04.720 --> 0:23:08.520
<v Speaker 1>That builds a strong, powerful platform. So those are the

0:23:08.560 --> 0:23:11.119
<v Speaker 1>six relationship mistakes we make. I hope you're going to

0:23:11.160 --> 0:23:13.720
<v Speaker 1>pass this on to a friend because I think a

0:23:13.760 --> 0:23:15.840
<v Speaker 1>lot of people may be stumbling over some of these

0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:19.480
<v Speaker 1>really simple fixes and I hope these insights help you today.

0:23:19.560 --> 0:23:22.240
<v Speaker 1>Thanks so much for listening. Share on Instagram and on

0:23:22.240 --> 0:23:25.200
<v Speaker 1>TikTok and on Facebook and Twitter and whatever platform you're

0:23:25.280 --> 0:23:27.600
<v Speaker 1>using what you learn from this episode. And I can't

0:23:27.600 --> 0:23:29.240
<v Speaker 1>wait to see you next week. Thank you