Speaker 1: It's not the big things that destroy relationships, it's the
Speaker 1: accumulation of small, everyday things. Hey, everyone, welcome back to
Speaker 1: On Purpose. I'm Jay Shetty, and I love getting to
Speaker 1: record these for you. I feel so grateful that you
Speaker 1: lend me your ears for a few hours every week
Speaker 1: so that we can find that inner clarity, that inner stillness,
Speaker 1: that space to reflect, to think and to make decisions.
Speaker 1: When we're running around, when we're chasing a result, when
Speaker 1: we're caught up in the hustle and bustle and the
Speaker 1: hectic nature of our lives, we get more tired, we
Speaker 1: make poorer decisions, and then we often feel confused and constrained.
Speaker 1: But this time that we take out every week, don't
Speaker 1: underestimate it. Don't underestimate it. It's so powerful, this investment
Speaker 1: that you make in yourself every single week. Thank you,
Speaker 1: and make sure you thank yourself honestly, because it takes
Speaker 1: a lot. That you chose growth over some immediate gratification.
Speaker 1: You chose development over some distraction. You chose education and
Speaker 1: enlightenment over some brief entertainment. And I hope I make
Speaker 1: these entertaining too, But genuinely, just take a moment to
Speaker 1: acknowledge that. I know you're being hard on yourself. I
Speaker 1: know some of you are judging yourselves. Take a moment
Speaker 1: to recognize one incredible investments you're making in yourself. Now
Speaker 1: today we're talking about the six relationship mistakes we make.
Speaker 1: And these happen in love, these happen with our friends,
Speaker 1: these happen all around. I want to speak to these
Speaker 1: six because they're often missed, skipped, forgotten, overlooked. Because it's
Speaker 1: not the big things that destroy relationships, it's the accumulation
Speaker 1: of small, everyday things. When you see a relationship breakdown,
Speaker 1: whether it's a divorce or a breakup, a lot of
Speaker 1: the times our reactions like, oh my gosh, I didn't
Speaker 1: see that coming. I can't believe it. I thought they
Speaker 1: were really happy, And then we think, well, what could
Speaker 1: have happened all of a sudden, Like what made that happen?
Speaker 1: The answer is never one big thing. It's lots of small,
Speaker 1: tiny things that compounded to lead to that. I saw
Speaker 1: this amazing video on social media the other day, and
Speaker 1: it looked like it was from an area with natural
Speaker 1: rock and water, and it was showing how, at different years,
Speaker 1: how much a few drops of water eroded the rock.
Speaker 1: So five years, twenty five years, fifty years, and you
Speaker 1: could see how in five years the water was slightly
Speaker 1: eroding the rock, then in twenty five years it was
Speaker 1: a bit deeper, and then in fifty years it was deep,
Speaker 1: almost like a waterfall. And it was incredible to see
Speaker 1: how that accumulation creates impact over time. So these six
Speaker 1: things may seem insignificant, they may seem small. They may
Speaker 1: seem like, oh, it's not a big deal, and it's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: on its own, it's not a big deal. But when
Speaker 1: they're put together, they're a huge deal. And these huge
Speaker 1: deals become deal breakers. Right, These small deals that get
Speaker 1: added up to become big deals become deal breakers. The
Speaker 1: first mistake we make in relationships is being overly critical
Speaker 1: and complaining about our partners. How many of you be honest?
Speaker 1: Raise your hands, say something critical to your partner on
Speaker 1: a monthly basis. Keep your hand up if you say
Speaker 1: something critical about them to them on a weekly basis.
Speaker 1: Now you look really weird because you're walking around with
Speaker 1: your hand up, But it's okay. You're listening to my podcast.
Speaker 1: You can tell people that keep your hand up if
Speaker 1: you say something critical to your partner every day. Maybe
Speaker 1: it's like, well, you never get the dishes done, you
Speaker 1: always leave this out. That's a complaint, but often it's
Speaker 1: followed up with some criticism. And there's a difference between
Speaker 1: criticism and complaining nagging your partner if they're making a mistake,
Speaker 1: there's better ways of going about it, But that's not criticism.
Speaker 1: Criticism is when you say you're so unorganized, you're so
Speaker 1: late all the time, you're such a distracted person. Notice
Speaker 1: how there's a difference between saying, hey, the dishes are
Speaker 1: left out versus you're always distracted, You're always looking for
Speaker 1: the easy way out. A criticism is when you are
Speaker 1: talking about that person and there is no distinction between
Speaker 1: that person and the issue. You're saying. That's who they are,
Speaker 1: not that's what they do. A complaint is when it's
Speaker 1: like I'm complaining because I don't like this. Criticism is
Speaker 1: I don't like this about you. Notice the difference between
Speaker 1: I don't like this versus I don't like this about you.
Speaker 1: It's a lot harder to take when that criticism compounds. Now,
Speaker 1: this is so easy to fall into a trap of
Speaker 1: because we are not used to understanding that people are
Speaker 1: different from their traits. They existed before that trait. They
Speaker 1: may let go of that trait one day, and they'll
Speaker 1: still exist afterwards. And what we don't realize is that's
Speaker 1: because we don't free ourselves from recognizing we're different to
Speaker 1: our traits. For example, we say things like I'm so unorganized,
Speaker 1: I'm the worst. I'm just always unfocused. Right, we're saying
Speaker 1: I am unfocused, I am distracted, I am unorganized. No,
Speaker 1: the truth is you've just developed unorganized habits. The truth
Speaker 1: is you've just become used to and conditioned to be distracted.
Speaker 1: You are not distracted as an individual, You've just developed
Speaker 1: certain habits. And so, in the same way as we're
Speaker 1: tough on ourselves, we're tough on our partners. And often
Speaker 1: the criticism that we share with our partners is somewhere
Speaker 1: being triggered from somewhere inside where we're unhappy with ourselves.
Speaker 1: The issues we notice in them are so often the
Speaker 1: issues we have within ourselves. We're upset at ourselves for
Speaker 1: being unorganized, and so when we see our partners wasting time,
Speaker 1: we clamp down on them and say, you always waste time,
Speaker 1: You're such a time waster. And deep inside, we're talking
Speaker 1: to ourselves. How many of you have had this experience
Speaker 1: where in reality you are talking to yourself, you're talking
Speaker 1: about yourself. I know it's a hard one to stomach,
Speaker 1: but it's true. Think about the last criticism not a complaint. Remember,
Speaker 1: complaints are normal and there are healthier ways to complain.
Speaker 1: But when we're being critical, we have to realize that
Speaker 1: we've gone down a different path. So how can we
Speaker 1: first evolve our criticism to being complaining. That's the first step.
Speaker 1: Instead of criticizing, let's complain. We can all make that step.
Speaker 1: Instead of telling them that they're time wasters, instead of
Speaker 1: telling them that they're useless, instead of telling them that
Speaker 1: they're unfocused or unorganized or distracted, let's tell them that
Speaker 1: we don't like that this is happening. It's not the best,
Speaker 1: but it's healthier. And then let's evolve one step further
Speaker 1: where we get creative. Where we get creative about scheduling
Speaker 1: opportunities to remove complaints. We get creative around dividing responsibilities
Speaker 1: so we don't need to complain. We get creative around
Speaker 1: our commitment to each other and what we expect from
Speaker 1: each other. Criticism chips away at someone. They may not
Speaker 1: say it, they may not understand it, they may not
Speaker 1: recognize it, but it chips away. As it chips away
Speaker 1: again and again and again, it slowly weakens a relationship.
Speaker 1: You may think I've only said it three times. For them,
Speaker 1: it might have tipped them over the edge. You may say, oh,
Speaker 1: I didn't mean it. You know, I'm not saying it
Speaker 1: like that, but they didn't take it like that. It's
Speaker 1: so important to recognize criticism does not fit into a
Speaker 1: long lasting relationship. And for those of you that have
Speaker 1: been dealing with criticism, you fighting back with criticism doesn't
Speaker 1: work either, and you staying silent doesn't work either. You
Speaker 1: can actually rise to be constructive and say, how can
Speaker 1: we improve this? What steps can we take to constructively
Speaker 1: make this better? What are the actions that I can
Speaker 1: take that we can take together to construct a better
Speaker 1: environment for both of us, to make you feel better,
Speaker 1: to make you feel different. So there's another strep that
Speaker 1: you can take in being constructive. So that's number one criticism.
Speaker 1: The second is a really interesting one because sometimes it's
Speaker 1: seen as a sign of love because it's joking. But
Speaker 1: this is where jokes go too far. It's like sarcasm.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's passive aggressive comments. There's that feeling of trying
Speaker 1: to hit it something and poke it something deep inside
Speaker 1: that person or important to that person, and it starts
Speaker 1: as a joke. Right. They always say there's some truth
Speaker 1: behind a joke, But when you're using a joke, when
Speaker 1: you're using sarcasm to communicate it because you don't want
Speaker 1: to communicate it through an adult, mature conversation. How many
Speaker 1: times again, be honest, how many times have you used
Speaker 1: a joke as a way of trying to get a
Speaker 1: point across to someone or use sarcasm like oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what I expected, or you say something like oh yeah,
Speaker 1: oh my god. They're always lay oh yeah, how funny,
Speaker 1: Like you know, they're never on time, they never get there,
Speaker 1: and really you're laying into that person. It's really interesting
Speaker 1: because in the UK we talk a lot about banter
Speaker 1: culture and a lot of the time when people from
Speaker 1: the UK are joking around, I've had a lot of
Speaker 1: friends who are a bit like, wow, that's really intense,
Speaker 1: Like you guys really laid into each other. And sometimes
Speaker 1: in the UK it feels like the more you can
Speaker 1: banter with someone, the more you actually love them. But
Speaker 1: what we find is that in a relationship, when you're
Speaker 1: in a romantic relationship with someone, yes, you should be
Speaker 1: able to laugh at yourselves. I highly recommend that. I
Speaker 1: think that's good. You should be able to laugh at
Speaker 1: each other, but you shouldn't be using sarcasm and jokes
Speaker 1: as a way of communicating how you actually feel about someone.
Speaker 1: The difference with your friends is you all go home
Speaker 1: at night, go to sleep, separate bed, separate homes, separate lives,
Speaker 1: and then see each other again maybe next weekend. But
Speaker 1: with your partner, you're with them every single day, and
Speaker 1: so they read into it more. They feel like it's
Speaker 1: truly about their character. They feel like it triggers another
Speaker 1: part of themselves. And often our partners get more triggered
Speaker 1: if we said something compared to if their family or
Speaker 1: their parents said something. And that's because they think you
Speaker 1: know them better. Your partner thinks that you see all
Speaker 1: of them, and so if you feel that way, then
Speaker 1: it must be true. I really want you to take
Speaker 1: a moment to ask yourself, just for the next week,
Speaker 1: become aware of how many sarcastic jokes you make, or
Speaker 1: how many passive, aggressive statements you make and it will
Speaker 1: shock you. When I did this, I was like, wow,
Speaker 1: I didn't realize that avery reaction to everything, and I
Speaker 1: started thinking to myself, Okay, I really, really really need
Speaker 1: to be careful with this, because I'm pushing someone away
Speaker 1: by pushing on things about them that they may even
Speaker 1: be uncomfortable with. Because when you're close to someone, you
Speaker 1: know what they're uncomfortable about, and if you push that button,
Speaker 1: you are pushing them away. You can't hit someone where
Speaker 1: it hurts when you love them and you know them
Speaker 1: and they feel they've been vulnerable with you. And that's
Speaker 1: the biggest thing when sarcasm relates to someone's vulnerability. If
Speaker 1: someone has been open with you and honest with you
Speaker 1: about what they're going through and what they're experienced, and
Speaker 1: now you've used that against them, that is really challenging
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Speaker 1: results from some of these, and it's what we do,
Speaker 1: which is we deflect, right, we become deflective, We become
Speaker 1: defensive where we shut down and we don't take any responsibility.
Speaker 1: There is no long term relationship that can last in
Speaker 1: a healthy way if there isn't a healthy acceptance of responsibility.
Speaker 1: And what I find in this is that often our
Speaker 1: acceptance of responsibilities like, yeah, I did it fine, I
Speaker 1: know I did it all right. I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
Speaker 1: I'm always wrong, And so it's not even said with
Speaker 1: an honest sincerity, and it's not said with an understanding
Speaker 1: of Hey, I'm not losing. I'm not weak if I
Speaker 1: made a mistake. If I accept that I made a mistake,
Speaker 1: it doesn't put me in a position of weakness. And
Speaker 1: if it does, then maybe I'm not with the right person.
Speaker 1: If they're going to use that against me every time,
Speaker 1: then that's a manipulative tactic. That doesn't sound healthy at all. Right,
Speaker 1: So maybe the issue is not that at all. Maybe
Speaker 1: the issue is that I need to take responsibility when
Speaker 1: I've made a mistake. I then can't also point fingers
Speaker 1: and say you take responsibility when you've made a mistake.
Speaker 1: It's not like saying well, I took responsiblity, why didn't you?
Speaker 1: It's about saying, well, where is our responsibility in this?
Speaker 1: I think that's the other part where we almost make
Speaker 1: it a well you take responsibility or I take responsibility,
Speaker 1: and it's like, well, no, where is both of our
Speaker 1: responsibility in this? Maybe this was your job, but maybe
Speaker 1: it was never explained to you properly. Maybe this was
Speaker 1: part of what you do at the home, but maybe
Speaker 1: you didn't understand all of it. Maybe I didn't do
Speaker 1: a good job at setting you up. And so I
Speaker 1: find that that happens a lot with responsibility, where it
Speaker 1: becomes binary, becomes black or white, you all them, when
Speaker 1: actually it's always us, it's always us. How can we
Speaker 1: move away from you and me to us and we
Speaker 1: that's the goal, from you and me to us? And
Speaker 1: how can we make that switch? How can we make
Speaker 1: that switch from our language not being well, you did this,
Speaker 1: you take responsibility. I took responsibility. Now us and we
Speaker 1: what is our responsibility? What responsibility can we take? So
Speaker 1: that defensiveness or that deflectiveness creates issues long term because
Speaker 1: people start to think, well, if you're never responsible for
Speaker 1: anything and you're not willing to take that responsibility, then
Speaker 1: do you actually recognize my feelings? Do you actually understand
Speaker 1: how I feel? Are you conscious of this? The next
Speaker 1: one is disconnecting or being aloof when you argue, you
Speaker 1: just don't talk for three days when you had some miscommunication.
Speaker 1: You don't respond to each other. That shutting down, switching
Speaker 1: off and never reconnecting is different to someone who becomes
Speaker 1: quiet to respond effectively. And this is where we have
Speaker 1: to become better at sensing and learning and understanding our
Speaker 1: partners and having conversations about this. So some people like
Speaker 1: to shut down, so they can switch off and think
Speaker 1: about it so that they can come back to it
Speaker 1: later with more stillness, more poise, more clarity. But some
Speaker 1: people just want to sweep it under the rug and
Speaker 1: not talk about it at all and disconnect from it
Speaker 1: and be aloof and not think about it, and then
Speaker 1: they go quiet and then they come back to being
Speaker 1: normal a week later. That soundhealthy. That soundhealthy because there's
Speaker 1: always one person who feels like they never got to
Speaker 1: share how they truly feel. And if they didn't get
Speaker 1: a chance to share they feel. Guess what that's going
Speaker 1: to compound, that's going to accumulate, and then that's what
Speaker 1: you're going to experience when we have those big arguments.
Speaker 1: You're like, where did this come from? I thought we
Speaker 1: were okay. It's because yes, you thought you were okay.
Speaker 1: But what about them? We process everything in our head
Speaker 1: and we think, okay, Well, if I processed in my
Speaker 1: head by just forgetting about it, then they must forget
Speaker 1: about it too. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't
Speaker 1: mean you have the same mind. It doesn't mean you
Speaker 1: process things in the same way. It doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: you go through the same things at the same time.
Speaker 1: So if someone disconnects, check in with them and say, hey,
Speaker 1: when can we talk about this again? When would be
Speaker 1: a good time to discuss this? And if they say well,
Speaker 1: not now, never, just say, well, it would be really
Speaker 1: useful for me to have a conversation about this. When
Speaker 1: you're ready, just bring it up to me. You may
Speaker 1: give them a week, a couple of weeks, but then
Speaker 1: you'll address it. But if you just feel like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: this is what they do every time they get angry,
Speaker 1: then they go quiet for a week, but then we
Speaker 1: just talk and go back to normal, that doesn't support
Speaker 1: the long term of a healthy relationship. This one fascinated me.
Speaker 1: It was a three year study found that divorce rates
Speaker 1: were reduced by more than half by watching movies about
Speaker 1: relationships and discussing them afterwards. And that's really interesting. I
Speaker 1: guess the idea that learning from others relationships is a
Speaker 1: healthy way of processing how you want to live yours.
Speaker 1: Right when we're learning, when we're reflecting. It's not just
Speaker 1: about watching shows together, movies together. The key part was
Speaker 1: discussing the movie afterwards, discussing it, analyzing it, breaking it down.
Speaker 1: Now you may say, oh, how can you do that
Speaker 1: with the romcom. I mean they're pretty basic. Well, no,
Speaker 1: how could you get deep into a character? There's a
Speaker 1: love story hidden in most movies. But the idea of
Speaker 1: talking about other relationships in order to figure out your
Speaker 1: own was a great way to start that conversation about
Speaker 1: your own relationship. Sometimes people are like Jay, I don't
Speaker 1: even know how to talk to my partner about our relationship.
Speaker 1: It's great to use a movie. You watch the movie,
Speaker 1: you watch the TV show, you watched an episode, and
Speaker 1: now you can have a conversation about something that happened
Speaker 1: in the show that was a tough part. That's a
Speaker 1: great jump off point. And so I find that often
Speaker 1: we don't realize that these simple things can have a
Speaker 1: massive impact because the art of discussion engages us. When
Speaker 1: we're talking about someone else, we can now finally talk
Speaker 1: about how we really feel. And the key there is
Speaker 1: to not get triggered by something our partner says, but
Speaker 1: to really hear them out, to really understand their perspective,
Speaker 1: to really try and see their train of thought, even
Speaker 1: if we disagree, to give them the space and then
Speaker 1: engage in a discussion. The challenges that our discussions are
Speaker 1: not discussions of debates they turn into angry arguments, and
Speaker 1: that's because one of us gets triggered. So let's say
Speaker 1: you see a movie and let's say in the movie,
Speaker 1: the guy takes a girl out on a date and
Speaker 1: he doesn't pay. And now someone in your life saying, well, yeah,
Speaker 1: that makes sense. I mean he shouldn't pay. You know,
Speaker 1: we're trying to get to a world of equality, and
Speaker 1: that makes sense. Right. Say, Let's say that's their perspective.
Speaker 1: Now you may be triggered by them and be like, well, no,
Speaker 1: he should pay for the date because you know she
Speaker 1: said yes to him and it should be his job.
Speaker 1: Now you could turn into an argument, or you could
Speaker 1: analyze it and understand the deeper value. And when you
Speaker 1: get to the value, you might see that you actually
Speaker 1: agree versus when you focus on how that value is
Speaker 1: displayed in that moment. That's number five. Number six is
Speaker 1: recognizing that a lot of relationships today we get into
Speaker 1: them because we're not just looking for comfort and stability.
Speaker 1: We're looking for growth. We're looking for a partner. We're
Speaker 1: looking for someone who supports us. We're looking for someone
Speaker 1: who believes in us. Almost we're expecting our partners these
Speaker 1: days to be coaches, and that's a lot of pressure.
Speaker 1: We shouldn't put that pressure on our partners. But you know,
Speaker 1: I often feel that way when I'm coaching my clients.
Speaker 1: A lot of people will say, well, you know, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I wish my partner would think like this, and I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: that doesn't make sense because they're not trained to be
Speaker 1: a coach, so they can't. They can start thinking like that,
Speaker 1: but we shouldn't put that pressure on them right off
Speaker 1: the bat. So recognizing that your partner as their own journey,
Speaker 1: how can you help them? How can you support them?
Speaker 1: How can they help you? How can they support you?
Speaker 1: That builds a strong, powerful platform. So those are the
Speaker 1: six relationship mistakes we make. I hope you're going to
Speaker 1: pass this on to a friend because I think a
Speaker 1: lot of people may be stumbling over some of these
Speaker 1: really simple fixes and I hope these insights help you today.
Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening. Share on Instagram and on
Speaker 1: TikTok and on Facebook and Twitter and whatever platform you're
Speaker 1: using what you learn from this episode. And I can't
Speaker 1: wait to see you next week. Thank you