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Speaker 1: Hello Sunshine. Today on the bright Side, we're celebrating Thanksgiving

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Speaker 1: with the Art of Gathering author Kriya Parker. It's Thursday,

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Speaker 1: November twenty eighth. I'm Danielle Robe.

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Speaker 2: And I'm Simone Voice, and this is the bright Side

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Speaker 2: from Hello Sunshine, a daily show where we come together

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Speaker 2: to share women's stories, laugh, learn, and brighten your day.

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Speaker 1: As we kick off this Thanksgiving episode, we really would

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Speaker 1: like to take a moment to share our gratitude. We

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Speaker 1: are so incredibly grateful that you have welcomed us into

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Speaker 1: your lives and your earbuds, and that we've all been

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Speaker 1: able to share this time together. I don't know about you, Simon,

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Speaker 1: but it feels so intimate right and I'm so grateful

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Speaker 1: to share this platform with you, and that we've been

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Speaker 1: able to have so many powerful, funny, thoughtful, enlightening conversations

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Speaker 1: with our guests.

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Speaker 2: Yes, Danielle, I totally echo that gratitude, and I hear

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Speaker 2: the intimacy in dms that you send us in the

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Speaker 2: interactions that we have in person. When you tell me

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Speaker 2: that a particular episode really resonated with you, That's what

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Speaker 2: makes all of this so worth it. I am so

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Speaker 2: thankful to you, our bright Side besties, our community, and

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Speaker 2: also shout out to our team who works so hard

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Speaker 2: behind the scenes to bring the show to life. There

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Speaker 2: are so many producers that you don't get to see,

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Speaker 2: but you hear their work in every episode of this show.

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Speaker 2: And today, while all of us are spending time with

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Speaker 2: friends and family, we are sharing our episode with gathering

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Speaker 2: experts Prea Parker. She stopped by the bright Side earlier

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Speaker 2: this year to teach us how to gather meaningfully and

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Speaker 2: even magically, something that feels extremely relevant today.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Prea Parker is an expert, I should say,

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Speaker 1: the expert in gathering and really creating community. She's the

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Speaker 1: author of the book The Art of Gathering, How We

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Speaker 1: Meet and Why It Matters. I cannot recommend that book

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Speaker 1: more so, we all talked about how to make every

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Speaker 1: gathering transformative, whether it's a big birthday party or even

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Speaker 1: a small zoom call. So I really hope you enjoy

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Speaker 1: our conversation with Prea Parker and happy happy Thanksgiving to

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Speaker 1: you and whoever you celebrate with. Pria Parker. Welcome to

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Speaker 1: the bright Side. We're so excited to have you here.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me.

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Speaker 1: So we want to take a page out of your book,

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Speaker 1: The Art of Gathering. We're both big Prea Parker fans. Ooch,

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Speaker 1: We've read the book and we want to name our

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Speaker 1: intention for the conversation today. So we were thinking that

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Speaker 1: our intention is to learn how to build community for

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Speaker 1: a podcast in a meaningful and joyful way.

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Speaker 3: Ooh, I like the class. Kay, we got some applause,

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Speaker 3: bright side bessies.

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Speaker 1: Can you please share with us why setting an intention

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Speaker 1: before gathering is so important.

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Speaker 4: The biggest mistake we make when we gather is we

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Speaker 4: assume that the purpose is obvious and shared. Oh, I

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Speaker 4: know what a podcast is, I know what a wedding is,

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Speaker 4: I know what a funeral is, I know what a

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Speaker 4: staff meeting is. And when we don't actually pause to

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Speaker 4: ask why are we doing this?

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Speaker 3: What is the purpose? What is the purpose of this podcast?

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Speaker 4: With all of the million of podcasts in the world,

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Speaker 4: what is it that we are uniquely trying to do?

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Speaker 4: We tend to then replicate forms that may not make

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Speaker 4: sense for this community or for these hosts, and so

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Speaker 4: setting an attention and actually thinking well ahead of the gathering,

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Speaker 4: why am I doing this? What is the need? How

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Speaker 4: do I want to spend this time, allows you to

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Speaker 4: then make decisions and be imaginative about what that time

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Speaker 4: actually looks like and feels like, and helps you make

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Speaker 4: practical decisions to get you there.

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Speaker 2: So in your book, you write that the first five

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Speaker 2: minutes of any gathering are critical, and there's actually a

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Speaker 2: lot of research that backs that up, and I love

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Speaker 2: what you wrote about it. You say, your opening needs

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Speaker 2: to be a kind of pleasant shock therapy. It should

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Speaker 2: grab people, and in grabbing them, it should both all

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Speaker 2: the guests and honor them. So how do we create

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Speaker 2: significant openings and why are opening so important?

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Speaker 4: We are all part of different communities, and I think

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Speaker 4: of a gathering as a temporary alternative world, whether that

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Speaker 4: is a mosh pit or a rave or a bagel

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Speaker 4: brunch or a protest. And in order to create that

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Speaker 4: temporary world and invite people into it, you need to

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Speaker 4: prepare them so they know what they're signing up for

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Speaker 4: and they can be successful in that world. But you

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Speaker 4: need to also usher them into that world. And very specifically,

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Speaker 4: all of these studies show that the first five percent

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Speaker 4: of an experience kind of set the pathway for everything else.

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Speaker 4: And so literally, whether it's in person or virtual, of

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Speaker 4: everybody's entering that space and asking.

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Speaker 3: Do I belong here? Are these my people? Did I

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Speaker 3: wear the right thing?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: And I show my tattoos, like, you know, do I

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Speaker 4: need to get a tattoo? Who are these people? And

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Speaker 4: the best gatherers, the best hosts, understand that you're hosting

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Speaker 4: from that moment of entry, and they do a really

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Speaker 4: good job of welcoming people of literally saying hello. And

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Speaker 4: the way in which people choose to share what risks

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Speaker 4: they take is fundamentally related to whether or not they

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Speaker 4: feel like they belong there and that they're wanted there.

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Speaker 4: And it is not rocket science, but it is intentional.

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Speaker 2: So that social anxiety that you mentioned is so real.

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Speaker 2: We've all felt that where you walk into a party

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Speaker 2: you don't know too many people. What's a practical tip

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Speaker 2: that we can use in order to kind of massage

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Speaker 2: some of that social anxiety that happens whenever you step

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Speaker 2: into a gathering as a host.

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Speaker 3: What can we do so in the art of gathering?

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Speaker 4: I interviewed over one hundred different types of gatherers from

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Speaker 4: all walks of life, choir conductors, hockey coaches, party planners,

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Speaker 4: professors that students love every year and ask, you know,

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Speaker 4: what is it that they're doing that is so transformative.

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Speaker 4: And one of the people I interviewed is a guy

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Speaker 4: named Anthony Rocco, and he is an underground party planner

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Speaker 4: and he would create these secret events for new members

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Speaker 4: to get to know each other. And this is one

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Speaker 4: of the things he would do in order to design

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Speaker 4: a welcoming space. Basically, he had people enter and he'd

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Speaker 4: welcome them and he'd say, you know, make yourself at home.

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Speaker 4: Drinks are on the back. There's only one rule. You

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Speaker 4: can't serve yourself a drink. You can serve anyone else drink,

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Speaker 4: but you can't serve yourself a drink. That's so fun

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Speaker 4: and by literally just slightly shifting the norms the rules,

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Speaker 4: how do you basically help people feel like this is

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Speaker 4: something that they want to be a part of. And

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Speaker 4: the last thing I'll say is you can help people

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Speaker 4: really feel that way actually not only at the moment

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Speaker 4: they enter the room with a zoom, but actually an invitation.

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Speaker 4: The invitation is the first moment to create a sense

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Speaker 4: of belonging, of comfort, of ease, and we tend to

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Speaker 4: just think that they're carrier's logistics.

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Speaker 2: All right, we're pausing the party for just a moment

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Speaker 2: to take a quick break. Stay with us, and we're back. Priya,

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Speaker 2: you have completely changed the way that I host Now

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Speaker 2: whenever I'm throwing a party, I try to preify it.

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Speaker 2: I try to think, what would Priya do? So I

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Speaker 2: tried your method recently when I hosted a dinner party

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Speaker 2: and I opened it with a short speech about what

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Speaker 2: my friends mean to me. We answered these table questions

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Speaker 2: that facilitated a really vulnerable and candid and funny discussion,

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Speaker 2: and at the end of the night, everyone was just beaming.

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Speaker 2: You could just feel the energy and the magic in

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Speaker 2: the room. And this is one of the texts that

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Speaker 2: I got. My friend said, my soul really needed that.

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Speaker 2: So all that to say, your method is truly transformative.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so much. That means so much to me.

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Speaker 4: And I think that some level, what you're learning to

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Speaker 4: do is make the implicit explicit. You're turning up the

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Speaker 4: meaning dial right, You're you're sort of we tend to

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Speaker 4: assume like, oh, people know that I love them, right right,

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Speaker 4: they know? And actually, so many of us are parched.

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Speaker 4: It is so beautiful to be able to water each

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Speaker 4: other's gardens and in these tiny ways to say this

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Speaker 4: is what I see in you, this is how I

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Speaker 4: appreciate you, and then to have that come back it's

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Speaker 4: literally nourishing.

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Speaker 3: Oh I matter. Oh this is what they see me. Oh,

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Speaker 3: maybe I'll take a risk if they see me that way,

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Speaker 3: Maybe I will take this risk. Maybe I will actually

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Speaker 3: quit this job.

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Speaker 4: Maybe I will you know, call my parents who haven't

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Speaker 4: talked to it a long time. Wow, they see something

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Speaker 4: in me. It's and in modern life, we have to

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Speaker 4: invent these moments of tiny ritual.

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Speaker 1: Priya, I'm still a little bit unsure about how to

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Speaker 1: start from scratch and invent those moments ourselves. This is

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Speaker 1: just week one of our podcasts, and you're an expert,

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Speaker 1: especially in creating community online.

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Speaker 3: How do we build our.

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Speaker 1: Community and have everybody feel invited and connected?

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Speaker 4: I think so often in our in person gatherings, the

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Speaker 4: role of the host, there's so much physicality that's helping you. Right,

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Speaker 4: people are going under doorways, they're walking through hallways, they're

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Speaker 4: perhaps taking off their jacket, which is actually a moment

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Speaker 4: of transition. They're getting settled and in a virtual gathering,

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Speaker 4: whether that's a zoom or whether it's a podcast, people

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Speaker 4: are doing all sorts of different things, and you actually

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Speaker 4: have the role of the host is to create a

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Speaker 4: psychological togetherness, and so what does that mean. My advice

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Speaker 4: to you would be to start with an opening or

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Speaker 4: beginning that feels authentic to you both. You're kind of

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Speaker 4: beginning this podcast both this week but also in every

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Speaker 4: single episode by gas gathering yourself, gathering your guest, gathering

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Speaker 4: your producers, which your listeners may not even hear, but

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Speaker 4: they're part of this gathering, and then gathering and welcoming

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Speaker 4: your listeners. But the element to create a shared experience

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Speaker 4: is if you invite your guests to be part of

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Speaker 4: the same ritual, and it should be. It could be

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Speaker 4: as simple as like three D breaths and you're all

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Speaker 4: taking it together and they can do that anywhere they want.

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Speaker 3: And so having some.

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Speaker 4: Opening ritual that allows each person to kind of mark

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Speaker 4: the day and say I'm here, even if I'm walking

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Speaker 4: in the park with my dog or i am biking

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Speaker 4: to work, I'm having a shared experience with you both.

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Speaker 2: Pria, I want to talk about your background a little bit.

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Speaker 2: So you actually have a background in conflict resolution and

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Speaker 2: as a facilitator around race relations conversations on college campuses. So,

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Speaker 2: how did your work in conflict resolution teach you more

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Speaker 2: about how to host more meaningful gatherings?

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Speaker 4: Core, I'm biracial. I grew up in two households. My

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Speaker 4: mother's Indian, my father's white American. And I'll maybe just

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Speaker 4: go back to the story a little bit, because it

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Speaker 4: actually deeply informs my convict resolution.

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Speaker 3: I grew up in these two households.

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Speaker 4: They divorced and then they each remarried other people, and

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Speaker 4: they had joint custody, and so I went back and

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Speaker 4: forth between these two homes every two weeks. And that

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Speaker 4: meant leaving my mother and stepfather's home, which was this Indian,

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Speaker 4: British Buddhist, vegetarian, incense filled progressive household, and then travel

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Speaker 4: one point four miles and enter my father and stepmother's home,

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Speaker 4: which was and still is a white American, Evangelical, Christian, conservative,

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Speaker 4: Republican household, meat eating, you know, softball, playing household. And

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Speaker 4: my husband often jokes it doesn't take a shrink to

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Speaker 4: explain how Prea got into the field of conflict resolution.

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Speaker 4: And so there's part of me that has always been

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Speaker 4: very interesting in many ways of being and when I

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Speaker 4: went to the University of Virginia and learned about this

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Speaker 4: process called sustained dialogue there, the first question I was

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Speaker 4: asked as a student was always what are you? And

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Speaker 4: I learned very quickly meant racially like what's my background?

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Speaker 4: And long story short as a student, I started this

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Speaker 4: program with other students and friends at the University of

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Speaker 4: Virginia more than twenty years ago, and I learned from

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Speaker 4: this guy named Houseanders a process called sustained dialogue, and

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Speaker 4: as facilitators, we were taught to hold conversations and create

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Speaker 4: space for conversations that we didn't fully know how to

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Speaker 4: have that often happened behind closed doors that build trust.

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Speaker 4: We learned how to create moments of risk and safety

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Speaker 4: and connection, like how do you set up a room

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Speaker 4: so that people rip up the notes in their pocket

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Speaker 4: and say, you know what gonna say my prepared marks

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Speaker 4: because I was really touched by what you said. And

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Speaker 4: instead of giving their stump speech right like a pr

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Speaker 4: PR publicist, they give a sprout speech with their voices shaking,

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Speaker 4: and they say something that they're not even fully sure

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Speaker 4: themselves they haven't spoken out before, and so the core

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Speaker 4: of my work as a dialogue facilitator is actually helping

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Speaker 4: people have the right conversations the right groups, have the

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Speaker 4: right conversations, and ask the right questions. To go back

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Speaker 4: to your comment on questions, but contract resolution at some

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Speaker 4: level is the deep training to help people hold healthy

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Speaker 4: heat and relevance and bring themselves to a conversation while

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Speaker 4: still being curious to others.

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Speaker 2: I am also a biracial woman, and so everything you're

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Speaker 2: saying about that need for belonging and what it feels

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Speaker 2: like to straddle to worlds that so deeply resonates with me.

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Speaker 2: How do you think gatherings can help us build bridges

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Speaker 2: between worlds?

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Speaker 4: You know, when I researched for the art of gathering,

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Speaker 4: one of the things I realized was, and maybe it's obvious,

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Speaker 4: but it wasn't ah to me, which is traditional communities,

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Speaker 4: ancient communities, tribal communities in which people were born on

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Speaker 4: the same plot of earth, they prayed to the same god,

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Speaker 4: they followed the same dietary restrictions, they had inherited ways

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Speaker 4: of being. They know how to gather, they have shared

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Speaker 4: ritual and in our modern life, in a diverse life

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Speaker 4: where people like you and I and so many are

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Speaker 4: biracial and bicultural and by religious where norms are breaking

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Speaker 4: and shifting around who gets to wed and who is

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Speaker 4: out in the workplace and what and we get to

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Speaker 4: choose our friends and our faith in our God or

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Speaker 4: are not God. Basically, we no longer have shared ways,

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Speaker 4: shared assumed ways of making ritual together, and in trying

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Speaker 4: to not offend one another, we end up doing nothing.

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Speaker 4: And so modern gathering at the deepest level, it's not

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Speaker 4: gathering around kin or belief. It's gathering around shared need

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Speaker 4: and finding creative ways, innovative ways, life giving ways that

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Speaker 4: help people create meaningful connection without all having to be

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Speaker 4: the same, but still getting to temporarily have a shared experience.

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Speaker 4: And it takes thought and it takes coordination, but it

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Speaker 4: is absolutely possible.

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Speaker 1: Coming up after the break, how not to be like

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Speaker 1: me the chill host with the not so chill gatherings.

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Speaker 3: And we're back, okay.

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Speaker 1: So hosting is a huge part of gathering and our

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Speaker 1: title now is literally podcast host. So can you describe

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Speaker 1: what the role of a host is?

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Speaker 3: I'm so glad you asked.

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Speaker 4: So a host is someone who should practice what I

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Speaker 4: call generous authority, generous authority is using your power for

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Speaker 4: the good of the group to help it achieve its purpose.

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Speaker 3: And a good host has three roles.

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Speaker 4: The first to connect your guests to each other in

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Speaker 4: appropriate ways that are relevant to the purpose. The second

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Speaker 4: is to protect your guests from each other.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 4: And if you're at a volunteer training and all of

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Speaker 4: a sudden, one person is taking over the whole thing,

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Speaker 4: it's the role of the host to make sure that

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Speaker 4: that person is not dominating the entire meeting.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 4: If you're hosting a party and there's one guest that's

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Speaker 4: cornering all of your friends.

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Speaker 3: It's the role of the host to protect your guests.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 4: So we tend to think the only way to bring

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Speaker 4: people together is to connect, But there's also a lot

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Speaker 4: of problems that happen when people come together, and so

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Speaker 4: the role of the host is how do you protect them?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 4: And then finally to temporarily equalize your guests so that

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Speaker 4: they feel like they belong here.

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Speaker 3: Mmmm.

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Speaker 1: You know, when I read your book, I realized I

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Speaker 1: was the chill host.

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Speaker 3: I was the worst host you could possibly have.

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Speaker 1: For everybody who hasn't read the book yet, it's the

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Speaker 1: host who doesn't put out place cards or name cards.

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Speaker 1: It's the host who doesn't say you should wear this

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Speaker 1: or that, just come in whatever. And I thought that

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Speaker 1: I was relinquishing power because I was like, who cares?

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Speaker 1: Just come as you are. But you actually say that

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Speaker 1: you need rules, you need boundaries.

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Speaker 3: Why is that?

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Speaker 4: What I mean by that is we tend in many

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Speaker 4: places to think by letting our guests be, we're giving

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Speaker 4: them a good time. And that is certainly sometimes the case.

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Speaker 4: If you're listening to this and you have a group

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Speaker 4: of friends and you love the way you hang out,

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Speaker 4: keep doing that. You're lucky, right if you feel like, oh,

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Speaker 4: I love my people and we are good, like God bless.

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Speaker 3: This is really about for those.

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Speaker 4: Moments where you're wanting to really up the ante, up

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Speaker 4: the meaning factor, up the sense of connection, and also

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Speaker 4: particularly when people don't know each other, because basically gathering

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Speaker 4: is about connection, but it's also about power. And if

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Speaker 4: you don't give some kind of guidance as to either

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Speaker 4: what is this for, or give some kind of common

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Speaker 4: shared context, someone else's going to come up and do

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Speaker 4: it for you. People just need a little bit of

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Speaker 4: shared context to connect to banter, to have a way

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Speaker 4: into each other and the really good host finds just

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Speaker 4: enough structure. It doesn't need to be placed cards necessarily,

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Speaker 4: but just enough structure and no more to help the

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Speaker 4: group take off.

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Speaker 1: PRIA.

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Speaker 2: You have left us with so many incredible insights about gathering.

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Speaker 2: We talked about some of the mistakes people commonly make,

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Speaker 2: so not setting a clear intention, not having enough structure,

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Speaker 2: not using generous authority. Is there one more major faux

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Speaker 2: pa that we tend to do with hosting and gathering

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Speaker 2: that you want to leave us with today?

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Speaker 4: I might reframe the faux pas in part because part

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Speaker 4: of what this work is is it's a realization that

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Speaker 4: we don't really know how to do this anymore. We're

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Speaker 4: writing our own rules, and if anything, the invitation is

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Speaker 4: to think deeply to ask how do I want to

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Speaker 4: spend my time? And like host gatherings that you're like,

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Speaker 4: oh my gosh, I want to go to that?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, right, I want to go.

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Speaker 4: If you're dreading something that's data, you know, think about, okay,

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Speaker 4: so what is it that I want to do?

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Speaker 3: And so instead of thinking.

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Speaker 4: About there's like a wrong or a right way to do,

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Speaker 4: this is just literally is an invitation to start paying

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Speaker 4: more attention. And if this all feels totally overwhelming, my

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Speaker 4: deepest advice to you is to start thinking about how

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Speaker 4: to be a better guest. Guests have a lot of

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Speaker 4: power and gatherings. They can shift it. You can feel

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Speaker 4: and people are disengaged. You can feel, you know, like

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Speaker 4: you send out an email and like the one friend right,

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Speaker 4: Sanjay is like.

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Speaker 3: I'll be there. I can't wait. How can I help?

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Speaker 3: And you're like, thank you, Sonjay?

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Speaker 4: Right, yes, right, be either an enthusiastic yes or a

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Speaker 4: connected no. Thank you so much for the invitation. I

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Speaker 4: can't make it. I love that you're doing this. I'm

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Speaker 4: so grateful you thought of me.

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Speaker 1: It's like the person at the wedding who like is

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Speaker 1: the first to the dance floor.

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Speaker 3: The people that are getting married are like, thank you.

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Speaker 4: Exactly. How do you practice being a generous guest? How

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Speaker 4: do you help people? And then how do you be

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Speaker 4: intentional about what you would attend? When we choose how

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Speaker 4: we spend our time also, and when we choose, and

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Speaker 4: that doesn't mean not to have any obligation, we also

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Speaker 4: come in with a lot more energy.

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Speaker 2: That is the perfect note to end our conversation with

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Speaker 2: you today.

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Speaker 3: Pria. Thank you so much. Pria, you add.

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Speaker 1: So much to people's lives. When we were thinking about

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Speaker 1: who could sort of christen our first week, we were

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Speaker 1: all hoping that you would say yes. So thank you

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Speaker 1: for sharing your time with us.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for

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Speaker 3: modeling beautiful hosting.

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Speaker 4: You're already hosts that are paying attention to honoring the

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Speaker 4: guests that you're bringing in and bringing yourselves to it

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Speaker 4: and making it relevant to your listeners.

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Speaker 3: And it's such a pleasure and privilege to be part

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Speaker 3: of the opening parts of your journey. Thank you so

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Speaker 3: much for saying that.

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Speaker 2: Thank you, Pria. What a joy it was to speak

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Speaker 2: with Pria. She has completely transformed how I think about

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Speaker 2: bringing people together. And with that in mind, here's your

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Speaker 2: spark of the day.

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Speaker 1: We're going to end on a quote from Priya, reverse

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Speaker 1: engineer and outcome. Think of what you want to be

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Speaker 1: different because you gathered and work backward from that outcome.

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Speaker 1: So with all that, we're going to gather intentionally, meaningfully

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Speaker 1: and build beautiful community. If you want to improve your

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Speaker 1: gathering skills, Pria has a free workbook for all of

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Speaker 1: our bright Side besties. It's called the new rules of gathering.

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Speaker 1: You can find it at Priaparker dot com. Slash the

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Speaker 1: bright Side.

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Speaker 2: And remember, we want to hear from you. What opening

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Speaker 2: rituals do you love? Which should we try right here

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Speaker 2: together on the bright Side. Send a voice memo to

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Speaker 2: Hello at the brightsidepodcast dot com. Join the conversation using

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00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:25,399
Speaker 2: hashtag the bright Side, and connect with us on social

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Speaker 2: media at Hello Sunshine on Instagram and at the bright

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Speaker 2: Side Pod on TikTok oh. And feel free to tag

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Speaker 2: us at Simone Voice and at Danielle Robe.

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Speaker 1: Listen and follow the bright Side on the iHeartRadio app,

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Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Speaker 2: See you tomorrow, folks, keep looking on the bright side.