WEBVTT - 4 Essential Trust-Building Practices to Strengthen Relationships & Why You Shouldn't Let External Validation Control Your Life 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.520 Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be 0:00:02.560 --> 0:00:05.560 adding a really special offering onto the back of my 0:00:05.680 --> 0:00:09.039 solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily 0:00:09.119 --> 0:00:12.119 series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while 0:00:12.160 --> 0:00:16.120 outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress 0:00:16.120 --> 0:00:18.880 free life. We dive into a range of topics and 0:00:18.920 --> 0:00:22.479 the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long, 0:00:22.760 --> 0:00:25.400 so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter 0:00:25.400 --> 0:00:28.800 how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the 0:00:28.920 --> 0:00:32.199 on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for 0:00:32.280 --> 0:00:35.600 you this year, so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily 0:00:35.680 --> 0:00:39.040 Jay during each of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're 0:00:39.080 --> 0:00:42.280 talking about your relationships and how to create the most 0:00:42.320 --> 0:00:45.920 meaningful connections with the people that matter to you. Of course, 0:00:45.920 --> 0:00:48.360 if you want to listen to The Daily Jay every day, 0:00:48.760 --> 0:00:51.600 you can go subscribe to Calm. So go to calm 0:00:51.600 --> 0:00:55.080 dot com forward slash j for forty percent off your 0:00:55.080 --> 0:01:04.640 membership Today. 0:01:02.560 --> 0:01:04.399 Jay Shess you welcome to How to Fail. 0:01:04.520 --> 0:01:06.360 Oh, thank you so much for having me And that 0:01:06.440 --> 0:01:08.440 was a wonderful introduction. Thank you so much. 0:01:08.480 --> 0:01:09.880 It's an honor to be in your presence. 0:01:09.959 --> 0:01:11.880 No, I'm so grateful to be in yours. This is 0:01:11.920 --> 0:01:15.040 so wonderful, and I'm really excited to have this conversation. Hehito. 0:01:15.280 --> 0:01:18.399 I wanted to end on that quote because it's so interesting. 0:01:18.520 --> 0:01:21.520 I feel that we live in a culture which often 0:01:21.520 --> 0:01:24.920 it lies happiness with success, and that can be very 0:01:25.000 --> 0:01:27.200 confusing when you're growing up in that culture, because you 0:01:27.240 --> 0:01:29.320 think you want one thing and then you might get 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:31.919 it and you realize it actually hasn't made you feel content. 0:01:32.560 --> 0:01:35.399 Do you feel that you've got both yourself today? Do 0:01:35.480 --> 0:01:36.959 you feel happy and successful? 0:01:37.360 --> 0:01:39.800 If I'm honest, I feel at this stage in my 0:01:39.880 --> 0:01:42.959 life I can say that I'm genuinely on the path 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:46.280 of both. I say on the path because I don't 0:01:46.319 --> 0:01:49.000 think any of them are ever a place that you 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:52.680 arrive or finish or complete. It's not like a level 0:01:52.720 --> 0:01:54.520 in a game where you say, okay, well I've made 0:01:54.520 --> 0:01:59.560 it now and there's nothing else to do. But definitely 0:01:59.560 --> 0:02:04.600 I've pusedsued both paths very intentionally and consciously, and I 0:02:04.600 --> 0:02:06.680 think that's what I was trying to get across when 0:02:06.720 --> 0:02:11.080 I said that statement originally. Whereas this idea that I 0:02:11.120 --> 0:02:15.320 think a lot of people by confusing the two lose 0:02:15.360 --> 0:02:18.480 out on both often. So just as we sometimes think 0:02:18.520 --> 0:02:21.800 of success as happiness, we also think of just happiness 0:02:21.840 --> 0:02:26.320 as success, and both of untrue. And so I feel 0:02:26.320 --> 0:02:28.799 at this point in my life I intentionally pursue them, 0:02:28.800 --> 0:02:32.840 but for different reasons. I think that intentionally pursuing joy 0:02:33.480 --> 0:02:37.280 and presence and connection creates happiness in my life. And 0:02:37.320 --> 0:02:41.200 if I wasn't to pursue that, my external pursuits wouldn't 0:02:41.200 --> 0:02:44.240 give me that, I wouldn't just one day find those things. 0:02:44.639 --> 0:02:47.240 And similarly, I love the idea of how much I 0:02:47.400 --> 0:02:51.720 grow and learn by trying to do more things in 0:02:51.760 --> 0:02:55.160 the external world. The idea of building a podcast or 0:02:55.160 --> 0:02:58.520 writing a book, or building a company, and having a 0:02:58.600 --> 0:03:00.880 team of individuals who I learn from every day and 0:03:00.919 --> 0:03:04.520 growth from every day. That to me creates a growth 0:03:05.000 --> 0:03:08.280 in the form of success. And so I'm fascinated by 0:03:08.320 --> 0:03:11.720 both those parts, and I'm on both those parts even now. 0:03:12.880 --> 0:03:14.160 Do you think you're competitive? 0:03:14.600 --> 0:03:19.520 Absolutely, yeah, definitely, I'm definitely competitive. I'd say that I 0:03:19.639 --> 0:03:24.120 constantly focus on how I can do better than myself 0:03:24.280 --> 0:03:26.760 rather than how I can do better than others, And 0:03:26.800 --> 0:03:30.840 so I'm competitive with myself in am I improving my process? 0:03:31.240 --> 0:03:35.200 Am I improving my understanding and analysis? Am I improving 0:03:35.280 --> 0:03:38.920 how I perform? Because I think that the outward form 0:03:38.920 --> 0:03:43.720 of competition, which is largely based on comparison, just makes 0:03:43.760 --> 0:03:46.520 your worst version of yourself, or it makes your worst 0:03:46.640 --> 0:03:49.200 version of someone else, And that's not the kind of 0:03:49.240 --> 0:03:52.720 competition I'm interested in. So I'm honestly every day trying 0:03:52.760 --> 0:03:55.640 to be better than myself. And I think that that 0:03:55.720 --> 0:04:01.360 creates a really healthy relationship with being competitive, rather than 0:04:01.400 --> 0:04:05.040 living in a world of comparison based competitiveness, which I 0:04:05.040 --> 0:04:07.240 think is really unhealthy and can really hurt you. 0:04:07.560 --> 0:04:10.040 Yes, and I've fallen into that trap. It's something I 0:04:10.080 --> 0:04:14.080 strive against every day to try not to be comparatively competitive. 0:04:14.480 --> 0:04:16.200 And one of the things that I have found very 0:04:16.240 --> 0:04:20.320 helpful is the idea that being successful is actually about 0:04:20.360 --> 0:04:25.800 being the fullest, the most version of you, that that's 0:04:25.960 --> 0:04:29.919 our purpose on this earth. What for you? I know 0:04:29.960 --> 0:04:31.919 your podcast is called on Purpose, which is such a 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:35.240 great name. Does your purpose shift day to day or 0:04:35.279 --> 0:04:38.240 do you have one consistent purpose for your life? 0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:42.600 I have one underlying purpose that has been developed over many, 0:04:42.640 --> 0:04:44.719 many years. So it's not that I one day arrived 0:04:44.720 --> 0:04:47.520 in it because I was journaling and I was just 0:04:47.600 --> 0:04:49.560 doing a quiz and I ended up with it. And 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:53.039 I always try and loosely help people recognize that purpose 0:04:53.160 --> 0:04:55.560 isn't this thing that you have to figure out in 0:04:55.600 --> 0:04:58.120 your head and then you live it. It's something that 0:04:58.160 --> 0:05:02.279 you collect over time. You collect skills, you collect experiences, 0:05:02.360 --> 0:05:05.280 you collect feelings, you collect emotions, and then when you 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:08.200 curate them together, it creates a purpose. If I look 0:05:08.200 --> 0:05:12.279 at my purpose today, I collected public speaking and drama 0:05:12.279 --> 0:05:15.400 school training from age eleven to age eighteen. I collected 0:05:16.080 --> 0:05:19.240 business experience during my time at Cast Business School. I 0:05:19.279 --> 0:05:22.119 collected the years of experience I had as a monk. 0:05:22.200 --> 0:05:26.560 I collected years of digital social media experience from extension. 0:05:26.680 --> 0:05:28.560 Then today, when you look at what I live, it's 0:05:28.600 --> 0:05:32.200 like a beautiful mocktail of all of those things. And 0:05:32.279 --> 0:05:35.960 so I think purpose is collected. But my underlying purpose 0:05:36.760 --> 0:05:40.120 is to dedicate my life to helping other people find theirs, 0:05:40.920 --> 0:05:44.719 and I do that by making wisdom and ideas and 0:05:44.839 --> 0:05:50.080 habits more accessible, relevant and practical. That's my goal. To 0:05:50.240 --> 0:05:55.400 make education spread as fast as entertainment, and if we 0:05:55.440 --> 0:06:00.600 can make enlightening educational ideas in an innovative way. Then 0:06:00.680 --> 0:06:03.560 people will absorb it and consume it like entertainment and 0:06:03.600 --> 0:06:06.480 it will actually improve their lives. A lot of entertainment 0:06:06.600 --> 0:06:10.000 is escape, but I want to create entertainment that elevates 0:06:10.040 --> 0:06:12.440 our minds, and I really believe it can be done, 0:06:12.480 --> 0:06:14.440 and so that's my purpose. So those are the areas 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:17.839 of my life that I'm dedicated to and that fuel 0:06:17.880 --> 0:06:20.840 me and wake me every morning. And that's been how 0:06:20.880 --> 0:06:23.880 I felt for probably the majority of the last ten 0:06:23.960 --> 0:06:27.240 years now or ten years plus. But the way the 0:06:27.360 --> 0:06:32.400 vehicle changes, so the format changes. So originally I was 0:06:32.440 --> 0:06:35.520 doing that through doing events in the city of London 0:06:35.560 --> 0:06:39.000 when I lived here, and maybe two people would show 0:06:39.080 --> 0:06:40.800 up or maybe five people would shop, and I was 0:06:40.839 --> 0:06:44.479 living my purpose because I was making wisdom accessible, relevant 0:06:44.520 --> 0:06:47.160 and practical, and I was trying to make it innovative. 0:06:47.200 --> 0:06:50.040 So I was still living my purpose then. And then 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:53.800 when I first started creating my videos, that was four 0:06:53.839 --> 0:06:57.080 minute videos. Then we launched a podcast and the podcasts 0:06:57.320 --> 0:06:59.720 was one to two hours. Then I wrote my first book, 0:07:00.000 --> 0:07:02.800 second book, So the medium and the format changes, but 0:07:02.880 --> 0:07:05.479 the vision and the purpose behind each one was exactly 0:07:05.480 --> 0:07:09.640 the same, and the purpose satisfied me because the purpose 0:07:09.720 --> 0:07:13.400 was never attached to a number or scale, or to 0:07:13.720 --> 0:07:17.880 followers or likes or sales, because it started when none 0:07:17.920 --> 0:07:20.520 of that existed for me. And so the purpose is 0:07:20.520 --> 0:07:22.960 something that will fuel you. I think Albert Einstein has 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:25.360 this beautiful thought where he says, if you want to 0:07:25.360 --> 0:07:28.360 be happy, don't tie it to a person, tie it 0:07:28.400 --> 0:07:31.720 to a goal. And I changed that to or add 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:33.840 to it to by saying, don't tie it to a person, 0:07:33.880 --> 0:07:36.720 tie it to a purpose. And that purpose is something 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:40.600 that can fuel you forever, regardless of the external result. 0:07:41.400 --> 0:07:43.520 You must get an enormous amount of offers that come 0:07:43.560 --> 0:07:45.880 your way. So do you have a shortcut? Do you 0:07:45.920 --> 0:07:47.560 have a way of checking in with your instincts and 0:07:47.600 --> 0:07:49.600 being like, does this align with my purpose? That's an 0:07:49.640 --> 0:07:50.640 easy now or an easy yes? 0:07:50.840 --> 0:07:53.000 Yes? Absolutely So. I have a three step method. It's 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:57.360 called ESM Energy Strategy Money. It's very very simple, and 0:07:57.400 --> 0:07:59.720 I do this all the time with any opportunity that come. 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:02.960 The first thing I ask myself is is this energetically 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:05.320 aligned with my purpose? What I mean by that is 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:08.080 when I'm in this person's presence or this brand or 0:08:08.120 --> 0:08:11.040 company's presence, when I connect with them, I see how 0:08:11.040 --> 0:08:14.640 they speak about themselves. Is it aligned with improving people's lives? 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:18.040 Are they building this product? Are they creating this opportunity 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:21.240 because they genuinely believe they want to improve the lives 0:08:21.240 --> 0:08:24.560 of others? Do they want to make people happier, healthier, 0:08:24.600 --> 0:08:27.800 and more healed? So that's the energy point. Now, if 0:08:28.080 --> 0:08:30.600 I don't feel that airlines on that level, we don't 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:34.079 go through to the next point. So that's door number one. 0:08:34.240 --> 0:08:37.000 It's stages. That's door number one. So if you made 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:40.560 it through door number one, door number two is strategy. Okay, 0:08:40.600 --> 0:08:43.760 someone can have really good intentions and really good energy, 0:08:44.000 --> 0:08:46.840 but do they have this strategy to know how to 0:08:47.000 --> 0:08:50.400 actually implement this? Do they actually know how to develop 0:08:50.440 --> 0:08:54.959 this idea further? Because someone can be really wonderfully intentioned, 0:08:55.040 --> 0:08:57.679 but that doesn't mean that it's going to work, and 0:08:57.720 --> 0:08:59.640 that doesn't mean that they're going to be able to 0:08:59.640 --> 0:09:01.839 get there. And obviously we're talking about this from a 0:09:01.880 --> 0:09:03.680 professional point of view. This is not about I don't 0:09:03.679 --> 0:09:07.160 do this with people. We're talking about professional opportunities. The 0:09:07.200 --> 0:09:10.800 next is strategy, and then the final one is money. 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:13.760 Is the money aligned with what they're saying energetically and 0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:16.760 strategically does it make business and financial sense. And I 0:09:16.800 --> 0:09:20.840 think that those three doors have always helped me in 0:09:20.880 --> 0:09:24.320 any decision making because they allow you to really focus 0:09:24.320 --> 0:09:26.440 on what's most important to you, which is the energy, 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:29.400 but then making sure that the strategy of money is 0:09:29.440 --> 0:09:30.400 backed up by that as well. 0:09:30.600 --> 0:09:32.440 So interesting because I have a rule of three I 0:09:32.440 --> 0:09:34.400 love it, which is passion, pay, prestige. 0:09:34.520 --> 0:09:38.720 Oh, very curious, very close like your words. Yeah, I 0:09:38.760 --> 0:09:40.040 love an alliteration. 0:09:41.920 --> 0:09:44.520 Energy strategy. Money has just always been that way. I 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:47.960 guess they all end and why but yes, that's true. 0:09:48.320 --> 0:09:51.000 Let's get onto your brilliant book, which is Eight Rules 0:09:51.040 --> 0:09:54.040 of Love, and it is so everything that you have 0:09:54.120 --> 0:09:57.240 just spoken about. It makes wisdom so accessible and relevant. 0:09:57.240 --> 0:09:59.480 And I told you before we started recording, I wish 0:09:59.640 --> 0:10:02.360 that i'd this in my twenties. It would have saved 0:10:02.360 --> 0:10:05.160 me a lot of trouble. Having said that, I'm now 0:10:05.600 --> 0:10:08.440 married for the second time to a wonderful but thank 0:10:08.480 --> 0:10:11.000 you to a wonderful person. But the road to get 0:10:11.040 --> 0:10:14.040 there was strewn with failure and taught me a lot. 0:10:14.320 --> 0:10:16.400 And that's why I wish i'd read your book because 0:10:16.480 --> 0:10:20.839 it's so profoundly wise about so many things I want 0:10:20.840 --> 0:10:21.360 to ask you back. 0:10:21.400 --> 0:10:22.800 I'd love to add that, first of all, thank you 0:10:22.880 --> 0:10:25.400 for sharing that with your own experience, and second of all, 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:29.240 congratulations on believing that love was possible and you still 0:10:29.280 --> 0:10:31.960 had the full permission to love again and you were 0:10:32.040 --> 0:10:35.040 lovable and you could find it, which is incredible. And 0:10:35.120 --> 0:10:39.439 also i'd add that I'm not ever concerned that someone 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:43.160 may have failures in love, because, like you said and 0:10:43.240 --> 0:10:45.440 me included, I've made a lot of mistakes in love 0:10:45.920 --> 0:10:47.600 early on in my life, which is what led to 0:10:47.600 --> 0:10:50.440 this book as well. But it makes you appreciate what 0:10:50.480 --> 0:10:53.240 you have so much more now, and that gratitude that 0:10:53.280 --> 0:10:55.240 I have for my wife, I'm sure you feel that way. 0:10:55.520 --> 0:10:59.080 That gratitude you have, it actually makes this even better. 0:10:59.480 --> 0:11:01.000 And so if any one's out there and they've been 0:11:01.000 --> 0:11:03.440 through a lot of pain, or they've been treated really horribly, 0:11:03.600 --> 0:11:07.559 or they've had the worst experiences and had their heart broken. 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:10.240 I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying it's okay. 0:11:10.280 --> 0:11:12.640 I'm not saying you deserve that at all. I'm just 0:11:12.679 --> 0:11:15.760 saying that when you do find it, you will have 0:11:15.840 --> 0:11:18.800 this deep appreciation and gratitude in a way that you 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:21.640 could never have had it if you didn't have those experiences. 0:11:22.040 --> 0:11:23.520 And so I just want to point out that no 0:11:23.559 --> 0:11:26.360 one should ever feel discouraged that if they've failed or 0:11:26.400 --> 0:11:29.280 lost love too many times that that's a bad thing. 0:11:29.840 --> 0:11:33.200 I could not agree more. That's so beautifully put tell 0:11:33.280 --> 0:11:36.120 us about breakups, because that is one of the things 0:11:36.160 --> 0:11:40.959 that really affects listeners to this podcast and massively affected 0:11:41.000 --> 0:11:42.640 me when I was going through them, because there is 0:11:42.720 --> 0:11:45.839 no grief quite like heartbreak. It's such a specific and 0:11:45.960 --> 0:11:49.560 individual thing, and you have some great advice for it. 0:11:49.600 --> 0:11:51.400 And one of the things that I found most beautiful 0:11:51.400 --> 0:11:54.000 in this book is that idea that you might be 0:11:54.000 --> 0:11:57.240 broken up with, but you're not broken. Your soul is unbreakable. 0:11:57.559 --> 0:11:59.199 Can you tell us a bit more about. 0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:01.599 That, Yeah, definitely. So first of all, I want to 0:12:01.640 --> 0:12:05.040 say that if anyone's had their heart broken or has 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:07.680 gone through a breakup that was painful because of what 0:12:07.760 --> 0:12:11.040 someone said or how they treated you, the truth is 0:12:11.080 --> 0:12:14.160 that it will always hurt because when you look at 0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:18.880 the science behind heartbreak, it says that we feel the 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:23.800 same chemical shift as when someone's trying to detox from cocaine. 0:12:23.960 --> 0:12:26.760 And so if you think about that, It's like being 0:12:26.760 --> 0:12:29.760 addicted to a drug that was fueling you and filling 0:12:29.800 --> 0:12:32.320 you up that wasn't good for you, but it was 0:12:32.320 --> 0:12:35.680 still an addiction. And now that it's been removed from 0:12:35.720 --> 0:12:39.599 your physical or even emotional presence, you now literally have 0:12:39.720 --> 0:12:44.440 this feeling of what's craving for another human, just as 0:12:44.440 --> 0:12:47.480 you crave back for cocaine. And so the fact that 0:12:47.520 --> 0:12:51.480 it hurts is real and true, and we should validate that. 0:12:51.559 --> 0:12:53.520 You shouldn't feel bad that it hurts, or that you're 0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:56.360 a weak person, or that you're someone who doesn't have 0:12:56.400 --> 0:12:58.439 a backbone, or if anyone says to you like, oh, 0:12:58.520 --> 0:13:01.040 just get over it. The fact that you can't get 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.680 over it is a very real emotion. We shouldn't just 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:07.360 shun it or push it aside. And then to answer 0:13:07.360 --> 0:13:10.800 your question, I think what we often find is that 0:13:11.360 --> 0:13:16.559 we believe that someone's love for us is what makes 0:13:16.640 --> 0:13:21.160 us lovable. So we believe that if someone values us, 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:26.360 then we're valuable, if someone likes us, then we're likable, 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:30.640 and so all of our self belief, self value, and 0:13:30.720 --> 0:13:35.600 self esteem is based on someone else's view towards us. 0:13:36.600 --> 0:13:41.320 So then when that person leaves, we feel broken because 0:13:41.320 --> 0:13:46.320 they just took what we so deeply needed. And I 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:48.640 approach this from a very spiritual point of view in 0:13:48.679 --> 0:13:51.040 the book, which is what you just mentioned now, and 0:13:51.080 --> 0:13:53.320 I have reference often the Bug with Geta, which is 0:13:53.679 --> 0:13:55.760 the book that I deeply studied during my time as 0:13:55.760 --> 0:13:59.200 a monk, and the book is over five thousand years old. 0:13:59.240 --> 0:14:03.160 It's originally in Sanskrit. There are some English translations which 0:14:03.480 --> 0:14:07.520 are beautiful to read and understand. And that book talks 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:11.760 about how consciousness, or our first self as I like 0:14:11.840 --> 0:14:14.040 to call it, we have so many selves, but our 0:14:14.080 --> 0:14:19.680 first self is unbreakable. It's insoluble, it's unburnable. And the 0:14:19.760 --> 0:14:23.720 idea that there's this part of you that existed before 0:14:23.800 --> 0:14:28.400 this person, during this person, and after this person will 0:14:28.520 --> 0:14:31.880 always be there. There is a you before every relationship, 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:35.120 during every relationship, and there will continue to be one 0:14:35.120 --> 0:14:39.040 of you after every relationship. And yes, this doesn't solve 0:14:39.080 --> 0:14:42.760 the heartbreak, but it's something you should know inherently and deeply. 0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:47.440 That's very moving that because you can apply it so 0:14:47.480 --> 0:14:50.040 many things, you can also apply it to grief, that 0:14:50.080 --> 0:14:53.800 there will still be a soul as you're experiencing this horror, 0:14:54.400 --> 0:14:56.440 you will get through it and you will still exist. 0:14:56.520 --> 0:14:59.240 I think that's a very meaningful thing for people to 0:14:59.280 --> 0:15:04.480 hear talk to us about trust and the expectation we 0:15:04.640 --> 0:15:07.800 have that love should be quite unquote magic, and so 0:15:07.840 --> 0:15:10.760 we sort of scatter all of our trust tokens immediately. 0:15:11.000 --> 0:15:13.360 Yes, I love the language of trust tokens. That's that's 0:15:13.360 --> 0:15:16.720 really that's that's really great. I love that. Trust fascinates 0:15:16.760 --> 0:15:20.120 me because I consider myself to be someone who always 0:15:20.160 --> 0:15:24.400 wants to trust others, who generally has positive feelings towards others, 0:15:24.480 --> 0:15:27.880 and I want to like others and be liked and 0:15:27.920 --> 0:15:29.560 do good things with them. And I think that's most 0:15:29.600 --> 0:15:31.280 of us. Most of us feel like we want to 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:34.520 trust others. But I think what I found throughout life 0:15:34.760 --> 0:15:37.640 was just how trust was something that shouldn't just be 0:15:37.720 --> 0:15:41.880 given away. It should be something that's earned, both by 0:15:41.920 --> 0:15:45.440 ourselves and by others. I should feel I have to 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:48.479 earn my trust with you because we have a new relationship, 0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:51.520 and the other person should feel they have to earn 0:15:51.600 --> 0:15:55.360 my trust back. But what often happens is that the 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:59.560 halo effect creates this idea where we just give trust away. 0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:05.640 Someone's attractive, we believe they're trustworthy if someone's smart, we 0:16:05.720 --> 0:16:09.880 believe they're organized. If someone's well spoken, we believe they're kind. 0:16:10.280 --> 0:16:14.359 So what we start doing is we start ascribing qualities 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:19.080 of trust to qualities we perceive. And that's where it 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:21.960 starts to go wrong. Because that person hasn't shown you that, 0:16:22.440 --> 0:16:25.440 you just assume that they have that quality because they 0:16:25.520 --> 0:16:28.280 have another quality, or they went to a good school, 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:31.360 they must be really reliable, they must come from a 0:16:31.360 --> 0:16:35.240 good family. We start giving them all of these trust tokens, 0:16:35.240 --> 0:16:38.560 as you said, without actually letting them earn it. So 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:41.120 in my first book, Think like a Monk, I broke 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:44.680 down the four levels of trust. The first level is 0:16:44.760 --> 0:16:47.560 zero trust when I meet someone new, and when you 0:16:47.600 --> 0:16:51.520 meet someone new, as painful as it sounds, please start 0:16:51.560 --> 0:16:54.800 at zero trust. Often we think of trust as binary. 0:16:54.840 --> 0:16:57.320 We often think I either trust you I don't trust you. 0:16:57.680 --> 0:17:00.200 I actually have four levels. The first is zero trust 0:17:00.240 --> 0:17:03.080 when I meet someone, they're starting there. The second level 0:17:03.080 --> 0:17:06.040 of trust is transactional trust. This is when I say 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:08.320 to you, especially in the dating world, I'll be there 0:17:08.320 --> 0:17:11.480 at nine pm. Does that person sharp at nine pm? 0:17:11.720 --> 0:17:13.919 I'll call you the first thing in the morning. Did 0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:15.640 they call first thing in the morning, now, of course, 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:17.679 there may be a couple of times this doesn't happen. 0:17:18.040 --> 0:17:22.120 That's forgivable. But do we have a level of transactional 0:17:22.200 --> 0:17:24.520 trust with them or not? Oh yeah, I'll make sure 0:17:24.520 --> 0:17:27.120 I send that email to you. Oh yeah, definitely, I'll 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:29.359 be there at twelve on the dot. These are the 0:17:29.359 --> 0:17:32.359 moments where we get to see transactional trust. And often, 0:17:32.359 --> 0:17:34.480 if we like the way someone looks, or we believe 0:17:34.520 --> 0:17:37.160 that they might be an amazing partner, even if they 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:41.000 completely don't follow transactional trust, we'll give them that that 0:17:41.119 --> 0:17:43.440 benefit of the doubt because there's something else we find 0:17:43.520 --> 0:17:46.879 attractive and fascinating about them. The third level of trust 0:17:46.920 --> 0:17:49.919 is what I call reciprocal trust. This means you've ever 0:17:50.000 --> 0:17:53.320 had really good experiences of the first two, and now 0:17:53.440 --> 0:17:56.200 you do nice things for each other without counting. You're 0:17:56.240 --> 0:17:59.160 not checking every time a transaction's made, you're not having 0:17:59.200 --> 0:18:01.960 to watch whether it happens or not. You've gained that 0:18:02.080 --> 0:18:04.239 level of trust where we do nice things for each 0:18:04.280 --> 0:18:07.040 other but no one's counting. And the fourth level, and 0:18:07.080 --> 0:18:10.439 the highest level of trust, is unconditional trust. And I 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:13.960 call that god like trust or parent like trust, which 0:18:14.000 --> 0:18:17.520 you're not necessarily going to have immediately with anyone, and 0:18:17.560 --> 0:18:19.920 that's something that could take years to develop. And it's 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:23.320 a divine level of trust where I trust you with 0:18:23.440 --> 0:18:26.120 my whole life. But after what we do is we 0:18:26.200 --> 0:18:29.639 start there with people and then we fall back down. 0:18:29.720 --> 0:18:32.399 And basically, the higher level of trust you give to someone, 0:18:32.440 --> 0:18:34.520 the more levels you have to fall. So if you 0:18:34.600 --> 0:18:38.240 gave someone unconditional trust just after three months, then you're 0:18:38.240 --> 0:18:41.360 going to end up at zero after three months, which 0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:44.560 means you just topple down four levels, and that's what hurts. 0:18:44.880 --> 0:18:47.040 Whereas when you say, okay, they were at one and 0:18:47.080 --> 0:18:49.399 I expected one, or I thought they would be at 0:18:49.440 --> 0:18:51.040 one but I got zero, then it's not going to 0:18:51.119 --> 0:18:53.720 hurt as much. And so it's a really tactical, practical 0:18:53.760 --> 0:18:55.560 way of measuring trust. 0:18:56.000 --> 0:18:59.399 Super clever. And I think that there's a misapprehension that 0:18:59.480 --> 0:19:03.400 people BELI leave that sort of attitude is somehow unromantic. 0:19:03.600 --> 0:19:08.400 Absolutely, I think everything I'm sharing sounds really unsexy, unromantic, unmagical, 0:19:08.760 --> 0:19:11.640 But it's all designed to save you from pain. It's 0:19:11.640 --> 0:19:14.679 all designed to save you and protect you from setting 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:17.479 yourself up for a failure. Often we say, oh, that 0:19:17.480 --> 0:19:21.080 person misled me. And I'm not saying there aren't people 0:19:21.119 --> 0:19:24.320 that mislead you, but often we mislead ourselves by giving 0:19:24.359 --> 0:19:26.960 away trust without anyone earning it. I mean, I looked 0:19:26.960 --> 0:19:28.879 at it again. I'm looking at research. So I'm not 0:19:28.920 --> 0:19:31.119 basing this on my opinion. I'm not basing this on 0:19:31.640 --> 0:19:34.919 my personal experience. I'm basing on research. Studies showed that 0:19:34.960 --> 0:19:39.240 around sixty to seventy percent of people feel too pressured 0:19:39.240 --> 0:19:41.399 to say I love you or hear the words I 0:19:41.440 --> 0:19:45.400 love you in the first month. Now that's challenging because 0:19:45.840 --> 0:19:48.159 sure we all want to fall in love, but I 0:19:48.160 --> 0:19:50.240 promise you there's no one who can truly stand by 0:19:50.280 --> 0:19:53.360 that statement after one month. Men say I love you 0:19:53.400 --> 0:19:55.360 within one month, and women say I love you within 0:19:55.440 --> 0:19:58.399 three months. Then studies go on to say that it 0:19:58.440 --> 0:20:01.520 takes forty hours to can cosider someone a casual friend, 0:20:02.000 --> 0:20:05.040 one hundred hours to consider someone a good friend, and 0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:08.320 two hundred hours to consider someone a great friend. So 0:20:08.400 --> 0:20:10.639 if you need two hundred hours to consider someone a 0:20:10.640 --> 0:20:12.720 great friend, you can't have done that in one month. 0:20:12.920 --> 0:20:15.520 It's just not realistic. If you saw someone once a week, 0:20:15.760 --> 0:20:18.040 even if you saw someone once a day for two hours, 0:20:18.280 --> 0:20:21.919 only sixty hours in a month, so we're almost giving 0:20:21.960 --> 0:20:25.679 away really high levels of love for very low levels 0:20:25.720 --> 0:20:26.159 of time. 0:20:26.640 --> 0:20:31.159 So interesting. So I had an expectation when I met 0:20:31.359 --> 0:20:34.160 my now husband. We met online, we met on Hinge, 0:20:34.480 --> 0:20:37.880 and I was thirty nine at the time, and because 0:20:37.920 --> 0:20:40.560 I had grown up on a diet of nineteen eighties 0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:43.960 rom coms. We're coming on to that, don't you worry. 0:20:44.160 --> 0:20:46.399 But I I was in love with the idea of 0:20:46.400 --> 0:20:49.679 love as it had been portrayed on screen in fiction. 0:20:50.880 --> 0:20:54.040 And it took him six months to say that you 0:20:54.160 --> 0:20:57.800 loved me, and I thought, gosh, it's taking ages. It's 0:20:57.840 --> 0:21:01.400 taking ages. And I refused to say it first, ridiculous paraclay. 0:21:02.000 --> 0:21:04.160 And I always remember when he said it, he said, 0:21:04.560 --> 0:21:06.680 I've taken this long because when I say it, it's 0:21:06.720 --> 0:21:10.720 a commitment. And I felt so safe then that he 0:21:10.800 --> 0:21:13.680 had said it within those parameters, and it was so 0:21:13.720 --> 0:21:17.480 beautiful and so romantic, precisely because we've gone through those stages. 0:21:18.119 --> 0:21:20.440 And you write in the book about how we mean 0:21:20.480 --> 0:21:23.000