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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be

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Speaker 1: adding a really special offering onto the back of my

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Speaker 1: solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily

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Speaker 1: series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while

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Speaker 1: outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress

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Speaker 1: free life. We dive into a range of topics and

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Speaker 1: the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,

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Speaker 1: so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter

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Speaker 1: how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the

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Speaker 1: on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for

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Speaker 1: you this year, so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily

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Speaker 1: Jay during each of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're

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Speaker 1: talking about your relationships and how to create the most

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Speaker 1: meaningful connections with the people that matter to you. Of course,

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Speaker 1: if you want to listen to The Daily Jay every day,

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Speaker 1: you can go subscribe to Calm. So go to calm

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Speaker 1: dot com forward slash j for forty percent off your

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Speaker 1: membership Today.

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Speaker 2: Jay Shess you welcome to How to Fail.

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Speaker 1: Oh, thank you so much for having me And that

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Speaker 1: was a wonderful introduction. Thank you so much.

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Speaker 2: It's an honor to be in your presence.

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Speaker 1: No, I'm so grateful to be in yours. This is

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Speaker 1: so wonderful, and I'm really excited to have this conversation. Hehito.

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Speaker 2: I wanted to end on that quote because it's so interesting.

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Speaker 2: I feel that we live in a culture which often

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Speaker 2: it lies happiness with success, and that can be very

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Speaker 2: confusing when you're growing up in that culture, because you

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Speaker 2: think you want one thing and then you might get

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Speaker 2: it and you realize it actually hasn't made you feel content.

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Speaker 2: Do you feel that you've got both yourself today? Do

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Speaker 2: you feel happy and successful?

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Speaker 1: If I'm honest, I feel at this stage in my

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Speaker 1: life I can say that I'm genuinely on the path

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Speaker 1: of both. I say on the path because I don't

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Speaker 1: think any of them are ever a place that you

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Speaker 1: arrive or finish or complete. It's not like a level

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Speaker 1: in a game where you say, okay, well I've made

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Speaker 1: it now and there's nothing else to do. But definitely

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Speaker 1: I've pusedsued both paths very intentionally and consciously, and I

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Speaker 1: think that's what I was trying to get across when

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Speaker 1: I said that statement originally. Whereas this idea that I

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Speaker 1: think a lot of people by confusing the two lose

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Speaker 1: out on both often. So just as we sometimes think

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Speaker 1: of success as happiness, we also think of just happiness

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Speaker 1: as success, and both of untrue. And so I feel

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Speaker 1: at this point in my life I intentionally pursue them,

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Speaker 1: but for different reasons. I think that intentionally pursuing joy

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Speaker 1: and presence and connection creates happiness in my life. And

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Speaker 1: if I wasn't to pursue that, my external pursuits wouldn't

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Speaker 1: give me that, I wouldn't just one day find those things.

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Speaker 1: And similarly, I love the idea of how much I

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Speaker 1: grow and learn by trying to do more things in

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Speaker 1: the external world. The idea of building a podcast or

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Speaker 1: writing a book, or building a company, and having a

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Speaker 1: team of individuals who I learn from every day and

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Speaker 1: growth from every day. That to me creates a growth

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Speaker 1: in the form of success. And so I'm fascinated by

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Speaker 1: both those parts, and I'm on both those parts even now.

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Speaker 2: Do you think you're competitive?

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, yeah, definitely, I'm definitely competitive. I'd say that I

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Speaker 1: constantly focus on how I can do better than myself

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Speaker 1: rather than how I can do better than others, And

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Speaker 1: so I'm competitive with myself in am I improving my process?

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Speaker 1: Am I improving my understanding and analysis? Am I improving

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Speaker 1: how I perform? Because I think that the outward form

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Speaker 1: of competition, which is largely based on comparison, just makes

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Speaker 1: your worst version of yourself, or it makes your worst

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Speaker 1: version of someone else, And that's not the kind of

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Speaker 1: competition I'm interested in. So I'm honestly every day trying

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Speaker 1: to be better than myself. And I think that that

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Speaker 1: creates a really healthy relationship with being competitive, rather than

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Speaker 1: living in a world of comparison based competitiveness, which I

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Speaker 1: think is really unhealthy and can really hurt you.

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Speaker 2: Yes, and I've fallen into that trap. It's something I

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Speaker 2: strive against every day to try not to be comparatively competitive.

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Speaker 2: And one of the things that I have found very

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Speaker 2: helpful is the idea that being successful is actually about

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Speaker 2: being the fullest, the most version of you, that that's

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Speaker 2: our purpose on this earth. What for you? I know

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Speaker 2: your podcast is called on Purpose, which is such a

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Speaker 2: great name. Does your purpose shift day to day or

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Speaker 2: do you have one consistent purpose for your life?

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Speaker 1: I have one underlying purpose that has been developed over many,

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Speaker 1: many years. So it's not that I one day arrived

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Speaker 1: in it because I was journaling and I was just

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Speaker 1: doing a quiz and I ended up with it. And

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Speaker 1: I always try and loosely help people recognize that purpose

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Speaker 1: isn't this thing that you have to figure out in

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Speaker 1: your head and then you live it. It's something that

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Speaker 1: you collect over time. You collect skills, you collect experiences,

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Speaker 1: you collect feelings, you collect emotions, and then when you

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Speaker 1: curate them together, it creates a purpose. If I look

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Speaker 1: at my purpose today, I collected public speaking and drama

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Speaker 1: school training from age eleven to age eighteen. I collected

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Speaker 1: business experience during my time at Cast Business School. I

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Speaker 1: collected the years of experience I had as a monk.

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Speaker 1: I collected years of digital social media experience from extension.

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Speaker 1: Then today, when you look at what I live, it's

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Speaker 1: like a beautiful mocktail of all of those things. And

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Speaker 1: so I think purpose is collected. But my underlying purpose

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Speaker 1: is to dedicate my life to helping other people find theirs,

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Speaker 1: and I do that by making wisdom and ideas and

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Speaker 1: habits more accessible, relevant and practical. That's my goal. To

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Speaker 1: make education spread as fast as entertainment, and if we

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Speaker 1: can make enlightening educational ideas in an innovative way. Then

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Speaker 1: people will absorb it and consume it like entertainment and

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Speaker 1: it will actually improve their lives. A lot of entertainment

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Speaker 1: is escape, but I want to create entertainment that elevates

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Speaker 1: our minds, and I really believe it can be done,

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Speaker 1: and so that's my purpose. So those are the areas

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Speaker 1: of my life that I'm dedicated to and that fuel

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Speaker 1: me and wake me every morning. And that's been how

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Speaker 1: I felt for probably the majority of the last ten

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Speaker 1: years now or ten years plus. But the way the

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Speaker 1: vehicle changes, so the format changes. So originally I was

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Speaker 1: doing that through doing events in the city of London

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Speaker 1: when I lived here, and maybe two people would show

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Speaker 1: up or maybe five people would shop, and I was

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Speaker 1: living my purpose because I was making wisdom accessible, relevant

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Speaker 1: and practical, and I was trying to make it innovative.

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Speaker 1: So I was still living my purpose then. And then

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Speaker 1: when I first started creating my videos, that was four

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Speaker 1: minute videos. Then we launched a podcast and the podcasts

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Speaker 1: was one to two hours. Then I wrote my first book,

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Speaker 1: second book, So the medium and the format changes, but

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Speaker 1: the vision and the purpose behind each one was exactly

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Speaker 1: the same, and the purpose satisfied me because the purpose

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Speaker 1: was never attached to a number or scale, or to

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Speaker 1: followers or likes or sales, because it started when none

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Speaker 1: of that existed for me. And so the purpose is

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Speaker 1: something that will fuel you. I think Albert Einstein has

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Speaker 1: this beautiful thought where he says, if you want to

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Speaker 1: be happy, don't tie it to a person, tie it

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Speaker 1: to a goal. And I changed that to or add

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Speaker 1: to it to by saying, don't tie it to a person,

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Speaker 1: tie it to a purpose. And that purpose is something

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Speaker 1: that can fuel you forever, regardless of the external result.

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Speaker 2: You must get an enormous amount of offers that come

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Speaker 2: your way. So do you have a shortcut? Do you

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Speaker 2: have a way of checking in with your instincts and

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Speaker 2: being like, does this align with my purpose? That's an

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Speaker 2: easy now or an easy yes?

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Speaker 1: Yes? Absolutely So. I have a three step method. It's

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Speaker 1: called ESM Energy Strategy Money. It's very very simple, and

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Speaker 1: I do this all the time with any opportunity that come.

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Speaker 1: The first thing I ask myself is is this energetically

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Speaker 1: aligned with my purpose? What I mean by that is

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Speaker 1: when I'm in this person's presence or this brand or

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Speaker 1: company's presence, when I connect with them, I see how

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Speaker 1: they speak about themselves. Is it aligned with improving people's lives?

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Speaker 1: Are they building this product? Are they creating this opportunity

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Speaker 1: because they genuinely believe they want to improve the lives

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Speaker 1: of others? Do they want to make people happier, healthier,

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Speaker 1: and more healed? So that's the energy point. Now, if

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Speaker 1: I don't feel that airlines on that level, we don't

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Speaker 1: go through to the next point. So that's door number one.

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Speaker 1: It's stages. That's door number one. So if you made

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Speaker 1: it through door number one, door number two is strategy. Okay,

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Speaker 1: someone can have really good intentions and really good energy,

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Speaker 1: but do they have this strategy to know how to

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Speaker 1: actually implement this? Do they actually know how to develop

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Speaker 1: this idea further? Because someone can be really wonderfully intentioned,

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Speaker 1: but that doesn't mean that it's going to work, and

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Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that they're going to be able to

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Speaker 1: get there. And obviously we're talking about this from a

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Speaker 1: professional point of view. This is not about I don't

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Speaker 1: do this with people. We're talking about professional opportunities. The

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Speaker 1: next is strategy, and then the final one is money.

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Speaker 1: Is the money aligned with what they're saying energetically and

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Speaker 1: strategically does it make business and financial sense. And I

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Speaker 1: think that those three doors have always helped me in

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Speaker 1: any decision making because they allow you to really focus

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Speaker 1: on what's most important to you, which is the energy,

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Speaker 1: but then making sure that the strategy of money is

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Speaker 1: backed up by that as well.

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Speaker 2: So interesting because I have a rule of three I

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Speaker 2: love it, which is passion, pay, prestige.

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Speaker 3: Oh, very curious, very close like your words. Yeah, I

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Speaker 3: love an alliteration.

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Speaker 1: Energy strategy. Money has just always been that way. I

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Speaker 1: guess they all end and why but yes, that's true.

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Speaker 2: Let's get onto your brilliant book, which is Eight Rules

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Speaker 2: of Love, and it is so everything that you have

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Speaker 2: just spoken about. It makes wisdom so accessible and relevant.

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Speaker 2: And I told you before we started recording, I wish

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Speaker 2: that i'd this in my twenties. It would have saved

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Speaker 2: me a lot of trouble. Having said that, I'm now

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Speaker 2: married for the second time to a wonderful but thank

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Speaker 2: you to a wonderful person. But the road to get

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Speaker 2: there was strewn with failure and taught me a lot.

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Speaker 2: And that's why I wish i'd read your book because

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Speaker 2: it's so profoundly wise about so many things I want

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Speaker 2: to ask you back.

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Speaker 1: I'd love to add that, first of all, thank you

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Speaker 1: for sharing that with your own experience, and second of all,

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Speaker 1: congratulations on believing that love was possible and you still

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Speaker 1: had the full permission to love again and you were

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Speaker 1: lovable and you could find it, which is incredible. And

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Speaker 1: also i'd add that I'm not ever concerned that someone

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Speaker 1: may have failures in love, because, like you said and

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Speaker 1: me included, I've made a lot of mistakes in love

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Speaker 1: early on in my life, which is what led to

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Speaker 1: this book as well. But it makes you appreciate what

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Speaker 1: you have so much more now, and that gratitude that

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Speaker 1: I have for my wife, I'm sure you feel that way.

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Speaker 1: That gratitude you have, it actually makes this even better.

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Speaker 1: And so if any one's out there and they've been

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Speaker 1: through a lot of pain, or they've been treated really horribly,

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Speaker 1: or they've had the worst experiences and had their heart broken.

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying it's okay.

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying you deserve that at all. I'm just

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Speaker 1: saying that when you do find it, you will have

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Speaker 1: this deep appreciation and gratitude in a way that you

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Speaker 1: could never have had it if you didn't have those experiences.

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Speaker 1: And so I just want to point out that no

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Speaker 1: one should ever feel discouraged that if they've failed or

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Speaker 1: lost love too many times that that's a bad thing.

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Speaker 2: I could not agree more. That's so beautifully put tell

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Speaker 2: us about breakups, because that is one of the things

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Speaker 2: that really affects listeners to this podcast and massively affected

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Speaker 2: me when I was going through them, because there is

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Speaker 2: no grief quite like heartbreak. It's such a specific and

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Speaker 2: individual thing, and you have some great advice for it.

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Speaker 2: And one of the things that I found most beautiful

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Speaker 2: in this book is that idea that you might be

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Speaker 2: broken up with, but you're not broken. Your soul is unbreakable.

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Speaker 2: Can you tell us a bit more about.

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Speaker 1: That, Yeah, definitely. So first of all, I want to

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Speaker 1: say that if anyone's had their heart broken or has

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Speaker 1: gone through a breakup that was painful because of what

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Speaker 1: someone said or how they treated you, the truth is

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Speaker 1: that it will always hurt because when you look at

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Speaker 1: the science behind heartbreak, it says that we feel the

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Speaker 1: same chemical shift as when someone's trying to detox from cocaine.

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Speaker 1: And so if you think about that, It's like being

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Speaker 1: addicted to a drug that was fueling you and filling

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Speaker 1: you up that wasn't good for you, but it was

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Speaker 1: still an addiction. And now that it's been removed from

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Speaker 1: your physical or even emotional presence, you now literally have

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Speaker 1: this feeling of what's craving for another human, just as

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Speaker 1: you crave back for cocaine. And so the fact that

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Speaker 1: it hurts is real and true, and we should validate that.

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Speaker 1: You shouldn't feel bad that it hurts, or that you're

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Speaker 1: a weak person, or that you're someone who doesn't have

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Speaker 1: a backbone, or if anyone says to you like, oh,

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Speaker 1: just get over it. The fact that you can't get

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Speaker 1: over it is a very real emotion. We shouldn't just

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Speaker 1: shun it or push it aside. And then to answer

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Speaker 1: your question, I think what we often find is that

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Speaker 1: we believe that someone's love for us is what makes

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Speaker 1: us lovable. So we believe that if someone values us,

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Speaker 1: then we're valuable, if someone likes us, then we're likable,

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Speaker 1: and so all of our self belief, self value, and

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Speaker 1: self esteem is based on someone else's view towards us.

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Speaker 1: So then when that person leaves, we feel broken because

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Speaker 1: they just took what we so deeply needed. And I

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Speaker 1: approach this from a very spiritual point of view in

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Speaker 1: the book, which is what you just mentioned now, and

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Speaker 1: I have reference often the Bug with Geta, which is

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Speaker 1: the book that I deeply studied during my time as

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Speaker 1: a monk, and the book is over five thousand years old.

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Speaker 1: It's originally in Sanskrit. There are some English translations which

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Speaker 1: are beautiful to read and understand. And that book talks

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Speaker 1: about how consciousness, or our first self as I like

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Speaker 1: to call it, we have so many selves, but our

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Speaker 1: first self is unbreakable. It's insoluble, it's unburnable. And the

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Speaker 1: idea that there's this part of you that existed before

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Speaker 1: this person, during this person, and after this person will

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Speaker 1: always be there. There is a you before every relationship,

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Speaker 1: during every relationship, and there will continue to be one

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Speaker 1: of you after every relationship. And yes, this doesn't solve

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Speaker 1: the heartbreak, but it's something you should know inherently and deeply.

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Speaker 2: That's very moving that because you can apply it so

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Speaker 2: many things, you can also apply it to grief, that

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Speaker 2: there will still be a soul as you're experiencing this horror,

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Speaker 2: you will get through it and you will still exist.

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Speaker 2: I think that's a very meaningful thing for people to

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Speaker 2: hear talk to us about trust and the expectation we

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Speaker 2: have that love should be quite unquote magic, and so

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Speaker 2: we sort of scatter all of our trust tokens immediately.

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Speaker 1: Yes, I love the language of trust tokens. That's that's

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Speaker 1: really that's that's really great. I love that. Trust fascinates

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Speaker 1: me because I consider myself to be someone who always

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Speaker 1: wants to trust others, who generally has positive feelings towards others,

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Speaker 1: and I want to like others and be liked and

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Speaker 1: do good things with them. And I think that's most

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Speaker 1: of us. Most of us feel like we want to

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Speaker 1: trust others. But I think what I found throughout life

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Speaker 1: was just how trust was something that shouldn't just be

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Speaker 1: given away. It should be something that's earned, both by

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Speaker 1: ourselves and by others. I should feel I have to

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Speaker 1: earn my trust with you because we have a new relationship,

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Speaker 1: and the other person should feel they have to earn

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Speaker 1: my trust back. But what often happens is that the

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Speaker 1: halo effect creates this idea where we just give trust away.

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Speaker 1: Someone's attractive, we believe they're trustworthy if someone's smart, we

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Speaker 1: believe they're organized. If someone's well spoken, we believe they're kind.

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Speaker 1: So what we start doing is we start ascribing qualities

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Speaker 1: of trust to qualities we perceive. And that's where it

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Speaker 1: starts to go wrong. Because that person hasn't shown you that,

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Speaker 1: you just assume that they have that quality because they

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Speaker 1: have another quality, or they went to a good school,

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Speaker 1: they must be really reliable, they must come from a

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Speaker 1: good family. We start giving them all of these trust tokens,

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Speaker 1: as you said, without actually letting them earn it. So

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Speaker 1: in my first book, Think like a Monk, I broke

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Speaker 1: down the four levels of trust. The first level is

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Speaker 1: zero trust when I meet someone new, and when you

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Speaker 1: meet someone new, as painful as it sounds, please start

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Speaker 1: at zero trust. Often we think of trust as binary.

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Speaker 1: We often think I either trust you I don't trust you.

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Speaker 1: I actually have four levels. The first is zero trust

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Speaker 1: when I meet someone, they're starting there. The second level

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Speaker 1: of trust is transactional trust. This is when I say

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Speaker 1: to you, especially in the dating world, I'll be there

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Speaker 1: at nine pm. Does that person sharp at nine pm?

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Speaker 1: I'll call you the first thing in the morning. Did

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Speaker 1: they call first thing in the morning, now, of course,

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Speaker 1: there may be a couple of times this doesn't happen.

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Speaker 1: That's forgivable. But do we have a level of transactional

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Speaker 1: trust with them or not? Oh yeah, I'll make sure

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Speaker 1: I send that email to you. Oh yeah, definitely, I'll

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Speaker 1: be there at twelve on the dot. These are the

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Speaker 1: moments where we get to see transactional trust. And often,

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Speaker 1: if we like the way someone looks, or we believe

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Speaker 1: that they might be an amazing partner, even if they

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Speaker 1: completely don't follow transactional trust, we'll give them that that

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Speaker 1: benefit of the doubt because there's something else we find

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Speaker 1: attractive and fascinating about them. The third level of trust

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Speaker 1: is what I call reciprocal trust. This means you've ever

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Speaker 1: had really good experiences of the first two, and now

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Speaker 1: you do nice things for each other without counting. You're

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Speaker 1: not checking every time a transaction's made, you're not having

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Speaker 1: to watch whether it happens or not. You've gained that

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Speaker 1: level of trust where we do nice things for each

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Speaker 1: other but no one's counting. And the fourth level, and

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Speaker 1: the highest level of trust, is unconditional trust. And I

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Speaker 1: call that god like trust or parent like trust, which

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Speaker 1: you're not necessarily going to have immediately with anyone, and

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Speaker 1: that's something that could take years to develop. And it's

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Speaker 1: a divine level of trust where I trust you with

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Speaker 1: my whole life. But after what we do is we

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Speaker 1: start there with people and then we fall back down.

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Speaker 1: And basically, the higher level of trust you give to someone,

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Speaker 1: the more levels you have to fall. So if you

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Speaker 1: gave someone unconditional trust just after three months, then you're

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Speaker 1: going to end up at zero after three months, which

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Speaker 1: means you just topple down four levels, and that's what hurts.

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Speaker 1: Whereas when you say, okay, they were at one and

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Speaker 1: I expected one, or I thought they would be at

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Speaker 1: one but I got zero, then it's not going to

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Speaker 1: hurt as much. And so it's a really tactical, practical

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Speaker 1: way of measuring trust.

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Speaker 2: Super clever. And I think that there's a misapprehension that

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Speaker 2: people BELI leave that sort of attitude is somehow unromantic.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, I think everything I'm sharing sounds really unsexy, unromantic, unmagical,

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Speaker 1: But it's all designed to save you from pain. It's

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Speaker 1: all designed to save you and protect you from setting

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Speaker 1: yourself up for a failure. Often we say, oh, that

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Speaker 1: person misled me. And I'm not saying there aren't people

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Speaker 1: that mislead you, but often we mislead ourselves by giving

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Speaker 1: away trust without anyone earning it. I mean, I looked

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Speaker 1: at it again. I'm looking at research. So I'm not

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Speaker 1: basing this on my opinion. I'm not basing this on

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Speaker 1: my personal experience. I'm basing on research. Studies showed that

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Speaker 1: around sixty to seventy percent of people feel too pressured

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Speaker 1: to say I love you or hear the words I

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Speaker 1: love you in the first month. Now that's challenging because

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Speaker 1: sure we all want to fall in love, but I

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Speaker 1: promise you there's no one who can truly stand by

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Speaker 1: that statement after one month. Men say I love you

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Speaker 1: within one month, and women say I love you within

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Speaker 1: three months. Then studies go on to say that it

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Speaker 1: takes forty hours to can cosider someone a casual friend,

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Speaker 1: one hundred hours to consider someone a good friend, and

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Speaker 1: two hundred hours to consider someone a great friend. So

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Speaker 1: if you need two hundred hours to consider someone a

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Speaker 1: great friend, you can't have done that in one month.

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Speaker 1: It's just not realistic. If you saw someone once a week,

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Speaker 1: even if you saw someone once a day for two hours,

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Speaker 1: only sixty hours in a month, so we're almost giving

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Speaker 1: away really high levels of love for very low levels

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Speaker 1: of time.

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Speaker 2: So interesting. So I had an expectation when I met

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Speaker 2: my now husband. We met online, we met on Hinge,

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Speaker 2: and I was thirty nine at the time, and because

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Speaker 2: I had grown up on a diet of nineteen eighties

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Speaker 2: rom coms. We're coming on to that, don't you worry.

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Speaker 2: But I I was in love with the idea of

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Speaker 2: love as it had been portrayed on screen in fiction.

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Speaker 2: And it took him six months to say that you

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Speaker 2: loved me, and I thought, gosh, it's taking ages. It's

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Speaker 2: taking ages. And I refused to say it first, ridiculous paraclay.

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Speaker 2: And I always remember when he said it, he said,

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Speaker 2: I've taken this long because when I say it, it's

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Speaker 2: a commitment. And I felt so safe then that he

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Speaker 2: had said it within those parameters, and it was so

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Speaker 2: beautiful and so romantic, precisely because we've gone through those stages.

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Speaker 2: And you write in the book about how we mean

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00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:23,000
Speaker 2: different things when we say I love you, and we

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Speaker 2: have to check in with each other what that actually

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Speaker 2: quantifies when we say that statement.

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Speaker 1: Yes, so I have a rule in the book. One

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Speaker 1: of my favorite rules is define love before you say

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Speaker 1: it or feel it, because so many of us our

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Speaker 1: definition of love is based on someone else's experience. It

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Speaker 1: could be movies, could be, media, could be our parents,

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Speaker 1: could be a family friend that we saw. Love is

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Speaker 1: such a interesting word because someone could say I love

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Speaker 1: you and it means I want to spend my life

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Speaker 1: with you, and someone else could say I love you

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Speaker 1: and it means I want to spend a night with you,

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Speaker 1: and everything in between that spectrum, and so the challenges

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Speaker 1: when we hear the words I love you, we hear

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Speaker 1: our own definition when it came out of someone else's mouth,

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Speaker 1: and obviously we want to say it back so badly

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Speaker 1: we don't stop and go, oh, wait a minute, can

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Speaker 1: you explain what that means? What do you mean by that?

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Speaker 1: What you would never do that? And I don't recommend

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Speaker 1: anyone should. But before you hear it and before you

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Speaker 1: say it, make sure you've understood what love means to

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Speaker 1: that person. What does a relationship mean to that person?

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Speaker 1: The fact that your now husband said to you to me,

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Speaker 1: it means a commitment that's so beautiful that you knew that,

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Speaker 1: which meant when he said it, hopefully he felt he

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Speaker 1: could live up to that commitment. Now, if someone else

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Speaker 1: to them, love just means I feel attracted to you,

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Speaker 1: I'm really into you, I really like you, And they

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Speaker 1: say I love you. You may take it to be Oh,

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Speaker 1: that means they're committed, but that's in your head. That's

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Speaker 1: not what they've said. And I think there's so many

433
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,240
Speaker 1: definitions in between. So I'm not saying you have to

434
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,119
Speaker 1: go up to your person you're dating and say what

435
00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:03,119
Speaker 1: does love mean to you on your first date? But

436
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,560
Speaker 1: I think you have to decipher and understand as time

437
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,960
Speaker 1: goes on. How does this person view relationships? Are they

438
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,359
Speaker 1: scared of commitment? Do they have a history of that

439
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,159
Speaker 1: as a challenge, these are all things that we have

440
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,439
Speaker 1: to discover because otherwise we set ourselves up to believe

441
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,840
Speaker 1: that everyone wants the same love we want, and they don't.

442
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,720
Speaker 1: Not everyone does, And that's okay too.

443
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,400
Speaker 2: Now. I know you watch Selling Sunset.

444
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's my guilty pleasure.

445
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,840
Speaker 2: I wonder if you've ever watched Love Island.

446
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:32,200
Speaker 1: I have, so my wife's watched Love Island, and I've

447
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,800
Speaker 1: watched her watching Love Island. But I've watched maybe bits

448
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,760
Speaker 1: and pieces, but not something I've watched myself yet.

449
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:39,680
Speaker 2: I only ask because I watch Love Island, I love

450
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,840
Speaker 2: reality TV, and they say I love you very very quickly,

451
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 2: and so that I was interested, But in a way

452
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,760
Speaker 2: that sets up a false expectation of love in the

453
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,080
Speaker 2: same manner as romantic comedy is that we love to

454
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:52,960
Speaker 2: watch what's your favorite romantic comedy of all times? Oh?

455
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:57,400
Speaker 1: As a good one? So I really do appreciate he's

456
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,119
Speaker 1: just not that into you. It's it's really good. It

457
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,800
Speaker 1: shows a lot of how we perceive things, how we

458
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:06,520
Speaker 1: make challenges. Like all the characters in that movie are

459
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:10,199
Speaker 1: really far more realistic than most wrong cooms, and I

460
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,600
Speaker 1: think the scenarios are far more realistic, where you assume

461
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,280
Speaker 1: someone likes you because they message, or you kind of

462
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:18,000
Speaker 1: push someone away because you're talking about the wrong things.

463
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,200
Speaker 1: I think that movie's probably got the best examples in it.

464
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,040
Speaker 2: Before we get onto your failures. I know you've got

465
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,160
Speaker 2: an issue with the Notebook.

466
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:26,720
Speaker 1: I talked about that recently only because I had an

467
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:28,399
Speaker 1: ex girl friend that made me once the Notebook a

468
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,920
Speaker 1: million times. But I think I really sat because of it. No, no, no,

469
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,560
Speaker 1: I enjoyed it at the time. But I think I

470
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:36,080
Speaker 1: really sat and analyzed it because of that. I mean,

471
00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:38,680
Speaker 1: you mostly don't watch movies again and again and again,

472
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,360
Speaker 1: but I must have watched that movie like at least

473
00:24:40,359 --> 00:24:44,560
Speaker 1: ten times during that relationship, and I sat down to

474
00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:48,680
Speaker 1: analyze it because I felt it had so much power culturally.

475
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 1: Notebook is such a big movie. And by the way,

476
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,560
Speaker 1: just to point out, I love Ryan Gosling and Rachel

477
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:56,080
Speaker 1: mccaddam's in actors. They're phenomenal actors. The movie is great.

478
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,440
Speaker 1: I think it was just the writing of the story.

479
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,080
Speaker 1: And again, I don't think it was wrong. It's just

480
00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:05,199
Speaker 1: how people did confess their love. And there are so

481
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,240
Speaker 1: many scenes in that movie. But one of the scenes

482
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,399
Speaker 1: is he's like chasing her on the street and she

483
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,560
Speaker 1: looks uncomfortable because of it. He's like running around her, walking,

484
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:15,560
Speaker 1: moving really fast, and you look at it and go, wow,

485
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,119
Speaker 1: he's so smooth, he's so into her wish you know,

486
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:21,480
Speaker 1: because he's a good looking guy and well spoken. And

487
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:24,120
Speaker 1: he says to her, he says, I'll be anything you want.

488
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:25,920
Speaker 1: I can do it. Tell me what you want, I'll

489
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:29,520
Speaker 1: be it. That's such an unhealthy misconception to say I'll

490
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 1: be anything you want, whatever you want, I'll be it.

491
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,600
Speaker 1: Well most people a can't live up to that and

492
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 1: be if we want someone to become whatever we want,

493
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:38,879
Speaker 1: then do we really love them or do we love

494
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:41,600
Speaker 1: an idea. The second ones that I really have a

495
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,800
Speaker 1: struggle with is she's on the ferris wheel like the

496
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,280
Speaker 1: London I I guess, but the old school ones, and

497
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:50,440
Speaker 1: he's hanging off of it literally like by his arms,

498
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,040
Speaker 1: and he says, if you don't go on a date

499
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,199
Speaker 1: with me, I'll let go. And it's like, can you

500
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,800
Speaker 1: imagine someone threatening to take their own life? Like that's

501
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,520
Speaker 1: really like quite a toxic, unhealthy idea to put someone

502
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:03,119
Speaker 1: under that pressure. She goes, yes, yes, I will, just

503
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,040
Speaker 1: don't let go, and it's like that's uncomfortable for her too.

504
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,000
Speaker 1: She's been put in that. And I think so many

505
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:10,280
Speaker 1: movies over time have built this idea of the damsel

506
00:26:10,359 --> 00:26:14,040
Speaker 1: in distress and the savior and the knight in shining armor.

507
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,680
Speaker 1: The woman has to wait for her prince. That whole

508
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,320
Speaker 1: idea naturally has made so many people think, one day,

509
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:23,480
Speaker 1: my prince will come and save me, even if you

510
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,120
Speaker 1: don't think about it in those words. And I want

511
00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:27,080
Speaker 1: you to be very careful. I'm I'm not saying you

512
00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:28,840
Speaker 1: sit there and wait for a prince, but there's a

513
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,359
Speaker 1: part of you that believes that someone will come and

514
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,520
Speaker 1: save you. And if you have to be saved, that

515
00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:35,960
Speaker 1: means you're the one who is saved, which means you're broken,

516
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,080
Speaker 1: which means you need to be fixed. And so it

517
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:42,320
Speaker 1: perpetuates all these ideas of I'm broken, I'm unlovable until

518
00:26:42,359 --> 00:26:46,400
Speaker 1: I'm loved, I'm unlikable until I'm liked, I'm not valuable

519
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:47,240
Speaker 1: until I'm valued.

520
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,360
Speaker 2: You do talk a lot about unlearning, which I think

521
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:55,239
Speaker 2: is such a powerful word, because we do, all of

522
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,680
Speaker 2: us have that task of unlearning what society has conditioned

523
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,040
Speaker 2: us to believe, what our families of origin might have

524
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:04,040
Speaker 2: conditioned us to believe, and working out who we are

525
00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:07,080
Speaker 2: and what we are for ourselves. And I see failure

526
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:10,280
Speaker 2: very much as part of that. So, actually, what is failure.

527
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:12,760
Speaker 2: Failure is when life doesn't go according to plan? Whose

528
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:13,360
Speaker 2: plan is it?

529
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:13,600
Speaker 1: Is it?

530
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:14,399
Speaker 2: Actually yours?

531
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:15,560
Speaker 1: Yes? Yes?

532
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,600
Speaker 2: And I wonder I'm going to ask you about your

533
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:21,240
Speaker 2: failures now, but just broadly speaking, how do you feel

534
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:22,920
Speaker 2: about the concepts of failure?

535
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,040
Speaker 1: Can I rewind a little because I wanted to comment

536
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:26,880
Speaker 1: on what you just said, because it sparked the thought

537
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:30,520
Speaker 1: for me something really interesting that I came across. So,

538
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:36,480
Speaker 1: when we think about these milestones that society places I

539
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 1: studying hard, getting a good degree, getting a good job,

540
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:43,800
Speaker 1: getting married, having kids, often we go through those without

541
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:47,280
Speaker 1: even questioning whether that choice is something we actually want.

542
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,240
Speaker 1: So it's like, oh, of course you have to get married.

543
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:51,159
Speaker 1: Of course you have to have kids. That's what happens

544
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,560
Speaker 1: after marriage. Of course, of course, of course, of course.

545
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:57,320
Speaker 1: And I think often people ask or feel, I'm running

546
00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 1: out of time. Oh my gosh, I'm so late to

547
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,840
Speaker 1: getting married. I'm so late to having kids, And especially women,

548
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,160
Speaker 1: of course have that pressure because of their body clock,

549
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,720
Speaker 1: et cetera. So that pressures even felt more by women.

550
00:28:07,359 --> 00:28:10,000
Speaker 1: And when I look at that strongly and deeply, I

551
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:14,480
Speaker 1: often encourage people stop asking the question is this the

552
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:20,280
Speaker 1: right time, because timelines are based on society's definition mostly,

553
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:25,840
Speaker 1: and instead ask do I understand how this decision will

554
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:29,000
Speaker 1: change my life? And the second question is do I

555
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,440
Speaker 1: like how it will change my life? So if you

556
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,280
Speaker 1: think about getting married, it's not about whether you should

557
00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:35,000
Speaker 1: get married or not. It's not about whether it's the

558
00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:38,200
Speaker 1: right time or not. It's do I understand how getting

559
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:40,400
Speaker 1: married to this person is going to change my life?

560
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 1: Do I like how that will change in my life?

561
00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,560
Speaker 1: That's when you know, and the problem is we're thinking, well,

562
00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 1: do I need to get married? It's the wrong question.

563
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 1: So anyway, I just wanted to interject there and add that, Yeah,

564
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:52,840
Speaker 1: I just wanted to help give people a practical talter

565
00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:56,080
Speaker 1: to use for decision making. How do I feel about failure?

566
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:04,720
Speaker 1: I've gone silent because I want to give a very thoughtful,

567
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 1: reflected answer, because I don't think there's anyone who could

568
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:14,680
Speaker 1: truly say they enjoy failure or they like failure. I

569
00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:17,840
Speaker 1: think that would be a very bold statement with some

570
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,520
Speaker 1: fiction attached to it. But I would say that I've

571
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:26,120
Speaker 1: just learned that it is unavoidable, so I'm no longer

572
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:29,360
Speaker 1: surprised by it, and I'd say that if it happens

573
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 1: to me, I no longer see it as a sign

574
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:37,040
Speaker 1: of my inadequacy. I see it as an opportunity to grow,

575
00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:42,320
Speaker 1: an opportunity to pivot, or potentially a chance to say

576
00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:45,080
Speaker 1: maybe this isn't my path, and so I no longer

577
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:51,280
Speaker 1: see it as a reflection of my worth, my self esteem.

578
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:54,040
Speaker 1: But I also know it's always going to happen no

579
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:57,400
Speaker 1: matter how hard I try, or no matter how perfectly

580
00:29:57,440 --> 00:30:00,760
Speaker 1: I execute something. It's always a part stability. And I

581
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 1: think we live in a world where we think, well,

582
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,760
Speaker 1: it's not even a possibility, or we can avoid it.

583
00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:08,720
Speaker 1: And now I've learned, and I remember studying and this

584
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,520
Speaker 1: is this is something I wish they taught in school,

585
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:14,600
Speaker 1: and I really hope that we find a way to

586
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:18,280
Speaker 1: teach it more. In school, we learn history of a

587
00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:21,800
Speaker 1: country or a nation, but we don't deeply study the

588
00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:25,640
Speaker 1: history of human beings, of actual people. And I got

589
00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:29,880
Speaker 1: really lucky because I got so into autobiographies and biographies

590
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:33,160
Speaker 1: when I was in my teens. So I'd read Malcolm

591
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:36,040
Speaker 1: X Martin, Luther King all the way through to David

592
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:38,479
Speaker 1: Beckham and Dwaine the Rock Johnson by the time I

593
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,800
Speaker 1: was around eighteen years old. And I loved the spectrum

594
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:44,480
Speaker 1: of those individuals because they've all inspired me in different ways,

595
00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:47,440
Speaker 1: and you can learn so much from anyone's story. And

596
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:51,360
Speaker 1: then many years later, I read Steve Jobs's biography by

597
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:55,240
Speaker 1: Walter Isaacson, who I've had the pleasure of interviewing Walter Isaacson,

598
00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:58,760
Speaker 1: and when I saw Steve Jobs's life and to think

599
00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:01,520
Speaker 1: that he was kicked out of his own company only

600
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:04,240
Speaker 1: to go and build Pixar in the meantime, to then

601
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,440
Speaker 1: go back to that same company to lead it again

602
00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:09,000
Speaker 1: to further glory. When I look at the people I

603
00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:11,600
Speaker 1: look up to and i'm inspired by, they've all constantly

604
00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:14,960
Speaker 1: failed and faced rejection. And that's what convinces me that

605
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:18,400
Speaker 1: if I'm failing, it's absolutely normal. But if you never

606
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:21,560
Speaker 1: study those lives, and you never studied those stories, all

607
00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:24,800
Speaker 1: you ever see is, oh, yeah, Steve Jobs was really smart,

608
00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:27,600
Speaker 1: he was really successful. He was worth like one hundred

609
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,120
Speaker 1: million dollars by the time he was thirty or whatever

610
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:32,760
Speaker 1: it is. But it's like, that's really not the story.

611
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:35,280
Speaker 1: And so what you're doing with your podcast is really

612
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:38,160
Speaker 1: beautiful and wonderful because and I know we are going

613
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:40,040
Speaker 1: to talk about failures. As you said, I think that's

614
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:43,480
Speaker 1: a really healthy way to think about people's stories. I

615
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:45,680
Speaker 1: think we look at what people did right, yes, but

616
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:47,880
Speaker 1: we don't look at where things went wrong exactly.

617
00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:51,680
Speaker 2: We look at their cvs. Your first failure is about

618
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:53,800
Speaker 2: when you were seven or eight years old tell us

619
00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:54,400
Speaker 2: what happened.

620
00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:58,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, so this failure is probably the and I really

621
00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 1: tried to think what was the earliest failure I had,

622
00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:03,800
Speaker 1: because I think our failures as children often affect us

623
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 1: much worse, and we often, obviously at that age, do

624
00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:10,320
Speaker 1: not have the ability to process and say this is

625
00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:12,320
Speaker 1: part of my path. Like obviously I did not have

626
00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:15,000
Speaker 1: that perspective. So, yeah, I was around seven or eight

627
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:19,120
Speaker 1: years old in primary school in London, and we used

628
00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:21,680
Speaker 1: to have something my school did that was beautiful, as

629
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:25,200
Speaker 1: we would celebrate every culture and so there would always

630
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:28,400
Speaker 1: be a celebration of everyone's religious holidays and all of

631
00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:30,600
Speaker 1: this kind of stuff in primary school, which I really appreciated.

632
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:32,720
Speaker 1: I think it was a great education in that sense.

633
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:36,240
Speaker 1: So this one was an assembly where I was going

634
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:40,680
Speaker 1: to have to sing something in my mother tongue, and

635
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,719
Speaker 1: I was going to have to not only read, but

636
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:46,680
Speaker 1: sing in a language that not many people in my

637
00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:50,480
Speaker 1: school recognized. And I was dressed in traditional Indian clothing.

638
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:54,040
Speaker 1: Now I was overweight as a kid, and the clothes

639
00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:58,480
Speaker 1: didn't quite fit right. I didn't necessarily look good in them,

640
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:01,520
Speaker 1: but my mother was hope that I was representing my

641
00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:05,160
Speaker 1: culture and it would be a really proud moment, and

642
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:09,080
Speaker 1: I went out onto the stage at school. They're around

643
00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:11,880
Speaker 1: I don't know, four hundred people in the assembly hall,

644
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 1: and everyone pretty much started laughing or giggling or from

645
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,320
Speaker 1: the moment I walked out because I just didn't look

646
00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 1: like I fit in that day, and I look different

647
00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:23,840
Speaker 1: to how I usually looked. I then started to sing.

648
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:26,280
Speaker 1: I've never had a good singing voice. I don't sing

649
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:28,360
Speaker 1: till this day. I won't even do karaoke. I have

650
00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:32,680
Speaker 1: a terrible voice. I then start to sing, and everyone

651
00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:36,440
Speaker 1: just is in stitches, like completely laughing, because not only

652
00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:39,360
Speaker 1: am I singing, I'm singing in language they don't recognize.

653
00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:41,960
Speaker 1: All the kids start laughing, even some of the teachers

654
00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:46,000
Speaker 1: were laughing. And then I forget the words because now

655
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:50,440
Speaker 1: I'm distracted by everyone else's laugh and you know, pointing

656
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:53,200
Speaker 1: and whatever else they're doing that. I look down at

657
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:54,960
Speaker 1: my piece of paper that I'm holding to try and

658
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,640
Speaker 1: remember the lines, and I can no longer read the

659
00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:02,400
Speaker 1: lines because my tears smudged the words, and so now

660
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:04,360
Speaker 1: I've forgotten the words and I can't read them, and

661
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:06,560
Speaker 1: I know I'm crying, and now everyone's laughing even more

662
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:10,400
Speaker 1: because I'm crying, and so my teacher now walks on

663
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:12,799
Speaker 1: stage to comfort me. She puts her arm around me

664
00:34:12,840 --> 00:34:14,880
Speaker 1: and walks me off stage. And now everyone's laughing even

665
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:17,880
Speaker 1: more because I've had to be comforted off stage. This

666
00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 1: was my first ever experience of public performance or public speaking.

667
00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:24,840
Speaker 1: I felt like such a failure that day because for

668
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:27,440
Speaker 1: the rest of the day people were pointing, laughing. I

669
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:29,560
Speaker 1: felt like I'd let my mom down because I hadn't

670
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:32,640
Speaker 1: represented my culture properly. I felt like I'd let my

671
00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:35,000
Speaker 1: teachers down because they trusted me to go on stage.

672
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:37,880
Speaker 1: I felt like I'd let my friends down because obviously

673
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:41,000
Speaker 1: I was the laughing stock of the school. I'd forgotten

674
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:44,279
Speaker 1: the words, and I felt like a failure that day

675
00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:48,120
Speaker 1: because in all sense of the word, it was a failure.

676
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:53,719
Speaker 2: Shay. I actually I find stories like that so heartbreaking.

677
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:58,479
Speaker 2: The powerlessness of being a child and wanting to make

678
00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:03,120
Speaker 2: your parents and your culture proud. The fact that you

679
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:05,080
Speaker 2: don't do karaoke to the saying is that because is

680
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:05,640
Speaker 2: that because of it?

681
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:07,799
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm just I have done karaoke like

682
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:10,080
Speaker 1: I would never do a solo Carrioklet's say that's okay.

683
00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:12,239
Speaker 1: I know, I'm just I'm being honest in the sense

684
00:35:12,239 --> 00:35:13,919
Speaker 1: that I've never felt I've had a good singing voice.

685
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:15,640
Speaker 1: I definitely don't have a good singing voice. I'm very

686
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:18,000
Speaker 1: okay with that. I have no no trauma attached to

687
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:20,440
Speaker 1: having a good singing voice. Others i'd be a singer, no,

688
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:24,520
Speaker 1: I think. More so, it was at that time this

689
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:27,080
Speaker 1: feeling of just I don't know if I ever want

690
00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:29,200
Speaker 1: to go back on stage ever again. You know, that

691
00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:31,359
Speaker 1: kind of feeling of I don't think I'll ever ever

692
00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:33,760
Speaker 1: step back in front of a group of people again.

693
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,920
Speaker 1: And usually when I tell that story, not between me

694
00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:38,440
Speaker 1: and you, but if I share it on stage, usually

695
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:41,120
Speaker 1: people are laughing in the audience too, and so it's

696
00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:44,279
Speaker 1: really nice to have your compassionate empathy for it. It

697
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:46,440
Speaker 1: was my mind with my inner child, definitely. Mean.

698
00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:49,440
Speaker 2: Was there an element of not fitting in that you

699
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:50,920
Speaker 2: were fearful of at that time?

700
00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:53,439
Speaker 1: Definitely. I think that I was one of the few

701
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:56,320
Speaker 1: Indian people in my primary school, and so people already

702
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:59,120
Speaker 1: didn't know Indian people. I was already bullied for having

703
00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:01,839
Speaker 1: smelly foods sometimes in school or things like that. Because

704
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,840
Speaker 1: I'm thirty five now. Yeah, I'm thirty five right now.

705
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:08,920
Speaker 1: So there was that, there was not being open to

706
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:12,160
Speaker 1: obviously Hindu dress and Indian clothing, and then of course

707
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:14,480
Speaker 1: me being overweight on top of all of that, and

708
00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:16,439
Speaker 1: so there was you know, I can understand it too.

709
00:36:16,520 --> 00:36:18,960
Speaker 1: I think it's really interesting. You know, kids are fascinating

710
00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:21,640
Speaker 1: because they're adorable and beautiful, and at the same time,

711
00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:23,040
Speaker 1: so many of us do things as kids that we

712
00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:25,560
Speaker 1: would never do as adults, and so it's always interesting.

713
00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:27,840
Speaker 1: But I have a lot of empathy and compassion, even

714
00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:29,160
Speaker 1: just for all the kids in the room, because it

715
00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:30,560
Speaker 1: was just new to them. What did they know. They

716
00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:33,640
Speaker 1: didn't they weren't educated in it, they didn't understand. As kids,

717
00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:36,320
Speaker 1: you never get told to encourage others or support others.

718
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:38,560
Speaker 1: You may say, be friends with that person, But I

719
00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:41,560
Speaker 1: don't think we teach our kids to be encouraging and

720
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,600
Speaker 1: supportive and accepting. I don't think you hear about those

721
00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:46,920
Speaker 1: words as a kid, at least I didn't, even even

722
00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:48,759
Speaker 1: though my parents loved me. I don't think I heard

723
00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:50,919
Speaker 1: those words and said, oh, when you see another kid

724
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:52,719
Speaker 1: do something difficult, encourage them. I don't think I was

725
00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:55,840
Speaker 1: ever told that by anyone by my teachers either. So

726
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:57,600
Speaker 1: I also have a lot of compassion and empathy for

727
00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:00,239
Speaker 1: the fact that you have to train these ideas to

728
00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:02,520
Speaker 1: teach people these things they're not I think we assume

729
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:04,440
Speaker 1: that everyone should just be nice to each other, but

730
00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:07,239
Speaker 1: why would they if they've never heard that.

731
00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:12,040
Speaker 2: I'm not saying that this incident in and of itself

732
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:14,839
Speaker 2: had this effect, but do you think you ended up

733
00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:17,040
Speaker 2: feeling unlovable at a time in your life.

734
00:37:17,640 --> 00:37:22,279
Speaker 1: I think that there's another experience that happened a few

735
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:26,879
Speaker 1: years after that made me feel not unlovable. I've never

736
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:31,800
Speaker 1: felt unlovable because my mom's love has pierced through every

737
00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:35,239
Speaker 1: pressure layer or whatever else exists. I think my mom

738
00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:37,920
Speaker 1: has loved me so deeply that I feel so safe

739
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:41,319
Speaker 1: in a deep sense that I don't think I've ever

740
00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:45,240
Speaker 1: thought myself to be unlovable. But I have thought myself

741
00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:50,000
Speaker 1: to be unlikable or unwanted or unattractive, And I think

742
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:52,040
Speaker 1: those are very different things, and I think we often

743
00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:54,480
Speaker 1: mesh them all into one, but they're not. And so

744
00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:58,400
Speaker 1: I remember at ten eleven years old, end of primary school.

745
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:01,400
Speaker 1: All of the boys in school had their first crush

746
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:04,440
Speaker 1: around that age, and we all had the same first

747
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:06,280
Speaker 1: crush at school. There was this one girl at school

748
00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:09,919
Speaker 1: that everyone had a crush on, and no one told

749
00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:12,239
Speaker 1: her because we were all scared. We didn't want her

750
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,520
Speaker 1: to know. You know, ten years old, what do you know?

751
00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:16,920
Speaker 1: And I walked in late to school one day. I

752
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:18,759
Speaker 1: think had a doctor's appointment. I was running late or

753
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:20,960
Speaker 1: something like that. And I walked in and everyone was

754
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:22,520
Speaker 1: again pointing and laughing at me, and I was like,

755
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:25,000
Speaker 1: oh gosh, what's going on. And then one of my

756
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:26,840
Speaker 1: friends sent me a note and I opened up the

757
00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:30,040
Speaker 1: note and it said she knows. I was like, she

758
00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:33,800
Speaker 1: knows what? And then I realized that everyone in the school,

759
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:35,799
Speaker 1: the girls and the boys, have all told this girl

760
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:39,440
Speaker 1: that I'm into her and that I'm the only person

761
00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:41,560
Speaker 1: in the class that has a crush on her. And

762
00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:43,320
Speaker 1: then for the rest of the day in the playground,

763
00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:45,640
Speaker 1: all these girls stood behind the goal. I was only

764
00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:47,280
Speaker 1: a goalkeep. I was only allowed to be a goalkeeper

765
00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:49,600
Speaker 1: because I wasn't very athletic growing up. And all the

766
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:51,680
Speaker 1: girls stood behind the goal and they kept shouting out,

767
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:53,960
Speaker 1: she's out of your league. I can't believe you thought

768
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:55,799
Speaker 1: you could be with her. You're so fat, you know,

769
00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:58,719
Speaker 1: all these words. And I think that was more that

770
00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:03,600
Speaker 1: feeling of unlike or I'm unattractive, or I'm not attractive

771
00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:05,319
Speaker 1: to the opposite sex, etc. And all of that. And

772
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:07,879
Speaker 1: I think when in my teens, when I became more

773
00:39:07,880 --> 00:39:10,960
Speaker 1: athletic and I played sport and I felt like I

774
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:15,040
Speaker 1: became more cool in my teens, I think that's where

775
00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:17,799
Speaker 1: I really sought validation from the opposite sex, where I

776
00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:20,600
Speaker 1: really wanted the women I dated to really believe that

777
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:22,120
Speaker 1: I was a good guy and I was amazing and

778
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:24,319
Speaker 1: I was attracted. And I think my teens I spent

779
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:26,920
Speaker 1: a lot of time trying to understand I wanted to

780
00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:29,120
Speaker 1: be liked and validated. I didn't even want to be loved.

781
00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:32,239
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of us accept the currency

782
00:39:32,239 --> 00:39:38,680
Speaker 1: of validation and attention as love will take attention and validation,

783
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:41,800
Speaker 1: and will even believe that it's love. But it isn't

784
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:45,800
Speaker 1: attention and validation isn't love. It's a form of liking

785
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:48,640
Speaker 1: and attraction. Love is far more deeper. Love is full

786
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:51,560
Speaker 1: of care, it's full of character, it's full of commitment,

787
00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:55,200
Speaker 1: it's full of support. And so I think I in

788
00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:58,799
Speaker 1: my teens was looking more for attention and validation than

789
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:01,200
Speaker 1: I was for love, even those under the guise of love.

790
00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:05,359
Speaker 2: How do you see fame fitting in with what you've

791
00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:09,120
Speaker 2: just said there, because I think the reason that many

792
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:12,239
Speaker 2: people seek fame and then the reason why it's harmful

793
00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:16,040
Speaker 2: for them is because they are yearning that validation and

794
00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:19,400
Speaker 2: mistaking it for love. And actually it's pretty hollow, I understand.

795
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:25,200
Speaker 2: But you are globally famous, you have celebrity best friends,

796
00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:30,879
Speaker 2: you are highly successful, extremely handsome. I suppose what I'm

797
00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:35,520
Speaker 2: asking is how do you protect yourself against being drawn

798
00:40:35,560 --> 00:40:36,040
Speaker 2: in by that?

799
00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:39,759
Speaker 1: So I think I got really fortunate because the monk

800
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:44,480
Speaker 1: experience is a master class in detachment. And I'm not

801
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:48,000
Speaker 1: saying that I have complete detachment or that I am

802
00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:51,319
Speaker 1: immune to any of the things you just mentioned, but

803
00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:53,960
Speaker 1: I believe I have a master class training in how

804
00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:55,680
Speaker 1: to deal with it. So it's not credit to me

805
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:58,520
Speaker 1: or who I am. It's credit to this very special

806
00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:01,359
Speaker 1: experience I had. And so what was really interesting is

807
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:05,239
Speaker 1: when I went to the monastery, Initially I sought the

808
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:09,520
Speaker 1: validation of the monks. Yes, because we're always seeking validation, right,

809
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:12,640
Speaker 1: We start by seeking validation of our parents, then our teachers,

810
00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:16,880
Speaker 1: then people were attracted to We literally keep just projecting

811
00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:19,640
Speaker 1: our desire for validation onto different people. So I even

812
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 1: ran and projected on the monks. The interesting thing was

813
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:23,960
Speaker 1: the monks were the first people not to validate it

814
00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:26,880
Speaker 1: back or to reject it. Right, So, when you are

815
00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:28,759
Speaker 1: attracted to someone and you want them to validate you,

816
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:31,520
Speaker 1: they either validate you or they reject you. The monks

817
00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:33,479
Speaker 1: don't validate you, and they don't reject you. They train

818
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:36,000
Speaker 1: you and how to deal with that. They teach you

819
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:39,040
Speaker 1: and how to validate yourself. And so during my time

820
00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 1: as a monk, I started to learn that the deepest

821
00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:45,480
Speaker 1: form of validation was validating myself in becoming the person

822
00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:47,560
Speaker 1: who I wanted to be. If I was becoming the

823
00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:50,520
Speaker 1: person I wanted to be, that was the best validation.

824
00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:52,279
Speaker 1: And the only person who could tell me that was me.

825
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,600
Speaker 1: And so I really got to a place during my

826
00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:57,600
Speaker 1: time in the monastery where I was very comfortable with

827
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,560
Speaker 1: who I had become. I was very honest about my values.

828
00:42:00,640 --> 00:42:03,160
Speaker 1: I was okay with those, I was accepting of those,

829
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:06,040
Speaker 1: and I didn't need someone else to agree or disagree

830
00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:08,920
Speaker 1: to make me feel better or worse about them. Not

831
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:12,200
Speaker 1: that I finished it or mastered it. I'm saying it

832
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:15,120
Speaker 1: felt real, that idea felt tangible to me. And I

833
00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:21,239
Speaker 1: actually remember around that time I organized a charity event

834
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:25,640
Speaker 1: when I left, and I remember two very distinct experiences

835
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:29,520
Speaker 1: where before my time in the monastery, if I was

836
00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:32,480
Speaker 1: leading a project and people were criticizing me, I took

837
00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 1: that to heart. And I remember after the monastery, when

838
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,040
Speaker 1: I organized this event, I got a lot of people

839
00:42:37,600 --> 00:42:40,520
Speaker 1: congratulating me, and it was really interesting because the same

840
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:43,359
Speaker 1: people that criticized me were the same people that were

841
00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:46,840
Speaker 1: congratulating me. And I remember having a very deep, profound

842
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:50,080
Speaker 1: moment in myself that day and saying to myself, I

843
00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:53,160
Speaker 1: can't let either dictate the course of my life, because

844
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:56,360
Speaker 1: people change their mind at the drop of a hat,

845
00:42:56,880 --> 00:43:02,600
Speaker 1: and I can't let criticism or celebration dictate my values

846
00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:05,320
Speaker 1: to the course of my life. Again, this is something

847
00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:07,799
Speaker 1: that's tested every day. It's not something that I've made

848
00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:10,320
Speaker 1: peace with and I'm done and I've mastered it. It's

849
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:14,080
Speaker 1: something I'm constantly doing. So i'd say that now because

850
00:43:14,080 --> 00:43:16,120
Speaker 1: I've been doing my purpose for so many years, like

851
00:43:16,120 --> 00:43:18,600
Speaker 1: I feel like I've been living the same purpose without success.

852
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:21,600
Speaker 1: I live doing what I do today for ten years

853
00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:24,120
Speaker 1: before it ever became noticed. It's been noticed in the

854
00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:26,120
Speaker 1: last six to seven years, but I've been doing it

855
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:27,640
Speaker 1: for ten years before that. So this has been like

856
00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:30,560
Speaker 1: a seventeen year journey. Doing something you love for ten

857
00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:33,080
Speaker 1: years and not being noticed for it by more than

858
00:43:33,440 --> 00:43:36,880
Speaker 1: ten twenty, maybe fifty people is a beautiful training ground

859
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:38,680
Speaker 1: because you do it for the love of it, and

860
00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:40,360
Speaker 1: so today I still do it for the love of it,

861
00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:42,200
Speaker 1: because that's all I've ever known. I've done it for

862
00:43:42,239 --> 00:43:44,840
Speaker 1: so long when I wasn't successful, and then at the

863
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:48,040
Speaker 1: same time, when you get tempted by fame and you

864
00:43:48,080 --> 00:43:52,239
Speaker 1: get tempted by pride and ego, which comes naturally to

865
00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:53,920
Speaker 1: any one of us who's in a human body and

866
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:58,360
Speaker 1: has a human mind. It's really beautiful to be married

867
00:43:58,520 --> 00:44:02,040
Speaker 1: and be humbled by your wife in very beautiful ways,

868
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:04,879
Speaker 1: not in judgmental or critical ways, but out of love.

869
00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:07,560
Speaker 1: And I feel that my wife has been an incredibly

870
00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:12,680
Speaker 1: grounding force because I think as I became more externally successful,

871
00:44:13,239 --> 00:44:18,600
Speaker 1: I metaphorically held up my achievements to my wife metaphorically,

872
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:22,200
Speaker 1: not physically, and I said, love me for this. Look

873
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:23,920
Speaker 1: what I just achieved. Love me for this. Look how

874
00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:25,719
Speaker 1: cool I am. Look how amazing I am. Love me

875
00:44:25,800 --> 00:44:27,960
Speaker 1: for this. Look at my best seller list. Love me

876
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:29,480
Speaker 1: for this. Look how many views I got. Love me

877
00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:31,640
Speaker 1: for this? Look at how what my podcast is doing.

878
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:34,239
Speaker 1: Love me for this. And every time I asked for

879
00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:37,400
Speaker 1: that from my wife, she didn't love me more for

880
00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:40,120
Speaker 1: that or less for that. She's only ever loved me

881
00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:42,480
Speaker 1: for who I am. And I think that if my

882
00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:46,160
Speaker 1: wife had loved me for what I achieved, I think

883
00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:49,400
Speaker 1: I would have started loving myself for my achievements. But

884
00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:51,920
Speaker 1: because my wife loves me for who I am, I

885
00:44:51,920 --> 00:44:54,799
Speaker 1: think I'm constantly reminded to love myself for who I

886
00:44:54,840 --> 00:44:57,000
Speaker 1: am because that's what she values, and that reminds me

887
00:44:57,040 --> 00:44:59,320
Speaker 1: of what to value in myself. And that's the beauty

888
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 1: of a good relationship, where what someone values in you

889
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:04,600
Speaker 1: can actually be a beautiful thing. I also spend a

890
00:45:04,640 --> 00:45:06,320
Speaker 1: lot of time. Sorry, I know it's a long answer,

891
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:07,399
Speaker 1: but there's just so much.

892
00:45:07,560 --> 00:45:07,880
Speaker 2: Yeah.

893
00:45:07,960 --> 00:45:11,600
Speaker 1: I also spend a lot of time meditating on irrelevance

894
00:45:11,600 --> 00:45:18,400
Speaker 1: and insignificance. And I recognize the inevitability of everyone's irrelevance

895
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:20,680
Speaker 1: and insignificance. At some point in their life. There is

896
00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:23,439
Speaker 1: no one in the world who has held the same

897
00:45:23,560 --> 00:45:26,640
Speaker 1: level of significance for their entire life and when they

898
00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:29,799
Speaker 1: finally die and leave the planet. So why would I

899
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:32,400
Speaker 1: believe that that would be any different from me. There

900
00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:34,480
Speaker 1: will be a day when I will be absolutely irrelevant

901
00:45:34,480 --> 00:45:37,600
Speaker 1: and insignificant, and I've made peace with that now. If

902
00:45:37,640 --> 00:45:39,359
Speaker 1: I can make peace with that now, then I'll make

903
00:45:39,360 --> 00:45:41,400
Speaker 1: peace with it then. But if there's a part of

904
00:45:41,440 --> 00:45:43,720
Speaker 1: me that believes that I have to be significant forever

905
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,719
Speaker 1: or relevant forever, then I'm going to feel a lot

906
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:49,240
Speaker 1: of pain when that day comes. And my monk training

907
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:52,279
Speaker 1: is to detach myself before the day comes, not to

908
00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:54,960
Speaker 1: wait for the moment when it inevitably will come, and

909
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:57,880
Speaker 1: then deal with it. Then we'd often talk about how

910
00:45:58,600 --> 00:45:59,840
Speaker 1: you know, living is a monk, and this is a

911
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:02,640
Speaker 1: very popular Zen teaching. It's not not my words, but

912
00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:06,239
Speaker 1: life is not about learning to live, it's learning how

913
00:46:06,239 --> 00:46:09,239
Speaker 1: to die, because you're preparing for the inevitable. And so

914
00:46:09,520 --> 00:46:11,719
Speaker 1: I take that to be well, sure, death is inevitable,

915
00:46:11,719 --> 00:46:14,319
Speaker 1: but there's lots of other things that are inevitable, and

916
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:17,920
Speaker 1: preparing for those early on mentally and emotionally sets you

917
00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:21,640
Speaker 1: up for success. So I'm making peace with that now.

918
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:24,360
Speaker 1: The friends that I have are genuine friends. I don't

919
00:46:24,520 --> 00:46:27,319
Speaker 1: spend time with them because they're famous, or even if

920
00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:30,040
Speaker 1: that's the context we met in. I have some really

921
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:32,080
Speaker 1: beautiful relationships with people in the same way as I

922
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:34,160
Speaker 1: would count my best friends from London that I've been

923
00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:36,080
Speaker 1: my friends for my whole life. Who other people I

924
00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:39,200
Speaker 1: still speak to the most. My videographer. I've known my

925
00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:43,279
Speaker 1: videographer since I was fourteen, so twenty years nearly. He's

926
00:46:43,280 --> 00:46:45,840
Speaker 1: been my videographer for seven years whenever I'm in London.

927
00:46:46,560 --> 00:46:48,680
Speaker 1: But I think it's a daily practice. I don't think

928
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:50,680
Speaker 1: it's something you achieve. I think I have to think

929
00:46:50,719 --> 00:46:53,480
Speaker 1: about these things every day, and I have to constantly

930
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:56,200
Speaker 1: detach and disconnect myself because it's so easy to get

931
00:46:56,239 --> 00:46:59,399
Speaker 1: swept up, and so I'm very vigilant of that. It's

932
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:01,920
Speaker 1: something I'm very cautious of, and I think the day

933
00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:03,880
Speaker 1: I stopped becoming cautious will be the day that I

934
00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:04,359
Speaker 1: lose it.

935
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:08,319
Speaker 2: I really appreciate your honesty. Thank you. Let's get onto

936
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:12,279
Speaker 2: your second failure, which is that when you left the monastery,

937
00:47:12,880 --> 00:47:16,160
Speaker 2: you reapplied for jobs in consulting and banking.

938
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:18,960
Speaker 1: Yes, and what happened. So leaving the monastery felt like

939
00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:21,920
Speaker 1: a failure because since I was eighteen years old, that

940
00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:24,960
Speaker 1: became my dream, and I fought so hard to get there.

941
00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:27,680
Speaker 1: I had to first get through being eighteen to twenty

942
00:47:27,719 --> 00:47:31,080
Speaker 1: one without thinking about settling down or moving into a job.

943
00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:33,560
Speaker 1: I had to turn down a corporate job offer, had

944
00:47:33,560 --> 00:47:36,680
Speaker 1: to break up with girlfriends at the time. I had

945
00:47:36,719 --> 00:47:40,920
Speaker 1: to leave my friends and family behind. So many of

946
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:44,440
Speaker 1: my extended family said to me, you're brainwashed, you're wasting

947
00:47:44,440 --> 00:47:48,440
Speaker 1: your parents' education, you're letting your parents down, You're never

948
00:47:48,480 --> 00:47:50,000
Speaker 1: going to get married again, You're never going to get

949
00:47:50,040 --> 00:47:51,800
Speaker 1: a job again. Like this is what I heard before

950
00:47:51,800 --> 00:47:53,560
Speaker 1: I became a monk, And it's really interesting to me

951
00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:56,160
Speaker 1: today because so many people say to me, they're like, Jay,

952
00:47:56,200 --> 00:47:58,080
Speaker 1: you have such a cool story, and maybe you did

953
00:47:58,120 --> 00:47:59,440
Speaker 1: it for the story. I even get some of that

954
00:47:59,480 --> 00:48:02,279
Speaker 1: criticism sometimes where it's like, oh, Jay, like you know,

955
00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:03,960
Speaker 1: did you just become a monk so that one day

956
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:05,640
Speaker 1: you could do all of this? And I'm just like,

957
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:08,400
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't think you understand how uncool it

958
00:48:08,520 --> 00:48:10,480
Speaker 1: was for me to become a monk. It's something hopefully

959
00:48:10,560 --> 00:48:13,959
Speaker 1: that I've made more culturally interesting. But at the time,

960
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:15,920
Speaker 1: it's like everyone in my life looked to me as

961
00:48:16,080 --> 00:48:18,160
Speaker 1: I was weird, Like why would you do that? Everyone's

962
00:48:18,160 --> 00:48:20,600
Speaker 1: going to work for a company and they're in a relationship,

963
00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:23,080
Speaker 1: they're thinking about having fun, and you're thinking about becoming

964
00:48:23,120 --> 00:48:25,000
Speaker 1: a monk. And so I left with a lot of

965
00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:28,560
Speaker 1: negativity surrounding the decision, but I felt really confident in it.

966
00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:30,799
Speaker 1: And then when I came back, I came back to

967
00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:32,879
Speaker 1: that noise. Severyone's like I told you, so, I knew

968
00:48:32,880 --> 00:48:35,040
Speaker 1: you wouldn't make it. Look, no one's going to give

969
00:48:35,040 --> 00:48:37,239
Speaker 1: you a job. Now you're never going to get married again.

970
00:48:37,640 --> 00:48:40,400
Speaker 1: Look at all your friends, they're promoted. Did you know

971
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:42,640
Speaker 1: so and so just got promoted. Did you know so

972
00:48:42,719 --> 00:48:45,160
Speaker 1: and so just moved into a new flat. Did you

973
00:48:45,200 --> 00:48:47,080
Speaker 1: know that so and so is about to get engaged.

974
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:49,359
Speaker 1: Did you know so and so is making this much money?

975
00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:51,920
Speaker 1: Now you're twenty six years old without a job and

976
00:48:52,360 --> 00:48:56,280
Speaker 1: eighteen thousand pounds in debt. It was a really depressive moment,

977
00:48:56,320 --> 00:48:59,000
Speaker 1: depressive because I'd felt like I failed at being a monk,

978
00:48:59,040 --> 00:49:01,440
Speaker 1: which was my dream, which really felt like I'd failed

979
00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:04,279
Speaker 1: at marriage because I felt like I got married to

980
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:06,719
Speaker 1: being a monk and it felt like a divorce, Like

981
00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:09,680
Speaker 1: it really felt like a breakup. And it was the

982
00:49:09,719 --> 00:49:12,640
Speaker 1: lowest point of my life because I felt that was it.

983
00:49:12,719 --> 00:49:14,040
Speaker 1: I felt like I'd made it and I felt like

984
00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:16,880
Speaker 1: I'd found something, only for me to realize that wasn't

985
00:49:16,880 --> 00:49:19,799
Speaker 1: my path. And that's really hard to think something's your

986
00:49:19,880 --> 00:49:23,800
Speaker 1: path and then realize it's not. That's so challenging. And

987
00:49:23,840 --> 00:49:25,959
Speaker 1: I know a lot of people who tried to become

988
00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:27,680
Speaker 1: athletes and then they had an injury and then they

989
00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:30,759
Speaker 1: can pursue it. That stuff really messes with your mind.

990
00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:32,400
Speaker 1: And then when I came back, I'm coming back to

991
00:49:32,480 --> 00:49:35,040
Speaker 1: all this stress and pressure in these and they're right

992
00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:40,120
Speaker 1: because I'm applying to forty companies. I'm writing individuals, CVS resumes,

993
00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:44,240
Speaker 1: cover letters. I'm a first class honors degree, straight A student.

994
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:47,920
Speaker 1: I have nothing lacking on my resume apart from I've

995
00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:50,279
Speaker 1: been a month for three years, and no one will

996
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:52,439
Speaker 1: even give me an interview in London, like I won't

997
00:49:52,440 --> 00:49:54,680
Speaker 1: even get through. I will just get the automatic response

998
00:49:54,680 --> 00:49:57,719
Speaker 1: that says your application's not going further. So now everything

999
00:49:57,800 --> 00:50:00,719
Speaker 1: everyone's saying is true. Three years ago or four years ago,

1000
00:50:00,719 --> 00:50:03,040
Speaker 1: when I became a monk, it wasn't true. Now it's true.

1001
00:50:03,560 --> 00:50:06,720
Speaker 1: Now it's real, And that feels like a massive failure

1002
00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:08,320
Speaker 1: because now I'm going not only did I fail it

1003
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:11,759
Speaker 1: becoming a monk, I now can't even reintegrate into society,

1004
00:50:12,200 --> 00:50:15,720
Speaker 1: and now I'm behind this idea of I've fallen behind

1005
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:18,799
Speaker 1: and I've got debts to pay, my parents are not

1006
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:21,440
Speaker 1: well off. My parents are being wonderful and supporting me,

1007
00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:23,719
Speaker 1: let me move in again. But now I feel like

1008
00:50:23,719 --> 00:50:25,520
Speaker 1: a failure in my parents' eyes, even though they didn't

1009
00:50:25,520 --> 00:50:27,960
Speaker 1: make me feel that way. I felt like a failure

1010
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:31,440
Speaker 1: in my extended family's eyes, who definitely had that rhetoric.

1011
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:34,360
Speaker 1: I felt like a failure in my friend's eyes because

1012
00:50:34,680 --> 00:50:37,279
Speaker 1: I hadn't followed through and now they were ahead. And

1013
00:50:37,320 --> 00:50:39,560
Speaker 1: I felt like a failure in my career because I

1014
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:43,839
Speaker 1: couldn't get a job. And so that was definitely one

1015
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:45,920
Speaker 1: of the lowest moments in my life. Not the lowest.

1016
00:50:45,920 --> 00:50:47,840
Speaker 1: That said, it's the one before the lowest.

1017
00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:49,320
Speaker 2: So yeah, what's the lowest.

1018
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:53,320
Speaker 1: The lowest was I have this really big high in

1019
00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:57,600
Speaker 1: twenty sixteen and twenty seventeen, when my videos first get noticed.

1020
00:50:58,000 --> 00:51:00,759
Speaker 1: I moved to New York because Arianna Humhlington sees my

1021
00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:03,920
Speaker 1: content and I move over there and she wants me

1022
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,640
Speaker 1: to come there and work as half Post. The day

1023
00:51:06,680 --> 00:51:08,960
Speaker 1: I get there, she leaves to start a new company

1024
00:51:09,000 --> 00:51:11,319
Speaker 1: called Thrives. And she's amazing. I love her and I'm

1025
00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:13,560
Speaker 1: still very good friends with her. But it took so

1026
00:51:13,600 --> 00:51:16,040
Speaker 1: long to get my visa that it never quite works,

1027
00:51:16,040 --> 00:51:18,160
Speaker 1: so I wasn't at half Post for very long, and

1028
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:20,760
Speaker 1: I ended up being in the US, in a new city,

1029
00:51:21,560 --> 00:51:25,000
Speaker 1: four months away from being broke, and thirty days left

1030
00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:27,560
Speaker 1: on my visa. Otherwise I'd have to move back to London.

1031
00:51:28,239 --> 00:51:30,600
Speaker 1: And that's the most stress and pressure I've ever felt.

1032
00:51:30,760 --> 00:51:32,520
Speaker 1: I don't count that as a failure because there wasn't

1033
00:51:32,520 --> 00:51:34,759
Speaker 1: really a failure there. It's just a situation, hence why

1034
00:51:34,800 --> 00:51:38,000
Speaker 1: I didn't include it. But it was just a really

1035
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:40,960
Speaker 1: stressful position to be in where I just got married.

1036
00:51:41,280 --> 00:51:43,959
Speaker 1: We're in a new city, I've got four months away

1037
00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:45,799
Speaker 1: to pay for rent and groceries, and then I'm out

1038
00:51:45,840 --> 00:51:50,200
Speaker 1: of money and I have thirty days to renew my visa,

1039
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:52,560
Speaker 1: which I can't afford, and I don't know how to

1040
00:51:52,560 --> 00:51:55,400
Speaker 1: get a lawyer, and I don't understand the process. And

1041
00:51:55,440 --> 00:51:58,800
Speaker 1: so that was the most stress and pressure I ever felt,

1042
00:51:58,840 --> 00:52:01,160
Speaker 1: more than even coming back from being a monk. And

1043
00:52:01,239 --> 00:52:03,360
Speaker 1: it was after that so it felt even harder.

1044
00:52:03,400 --> 00:52:06,440
Speaker 2: But so just rewinding a little bit, you got rejected

1045
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:08,919
Speaker 2: from over forty companies that right, Yeah, before you even

1046
00:52:08,920 --> 00:52:10,000
Speaker 2: got an interview.

1047
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:12,120
Speaker 1: Before I got an interview. Yeah, that's right. So all

1048
00:52:12,160 --> 00:52:16,080
Speaker 1: the normal all the financial companies, consulting companies, like just

1049
00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:19,640
Speaker 1: any professional services company in London that I was applying

1050
00:52:19,640 --> 00:52:21,440
Speaker 1: to jobs for that were not out of my education

1051
00:52:21,560 --> 00:52:24,040
Speaker 1: but because of my age. Yeah, we're saying no.

1052
00:52:24,680 --> 00:52:27,640
Speaker 2: Finally do you get a job? But at accentsion so grateful.

1053
00:52:27,719 --> 00:52:29,040
Speaker 2: We'll never be more grateful.

1054
00:52:29,560 --> 00:52:31,120
Speaker 1: When I got that call back to the when I

1055
00:52:31,120 --> 00:52:33,799
Speaker 1: got the call for the first interview, I was like,

1056
00:52:33,920 --> 00:52:36,520
Speaker 1: I'm going to be the best interviewe of all time.

1057
00:52:36,719 --> 00:52:38,000
Speaker 1: And then when I got a call back, because it's

1058
00:52:38,000 --> 00:52:39,840
Speaker 1: like a three or four stage interview, it's not like

1059
00:52:39,920 --> 00:52:41,799
Speaker 1: a one and done. Got through to the first part.

1060
00:52:41,800 --> 00:52:43,200
Speaker 1: When I got through the second part, I was Okay,

1061
00:52:43,200 --> 00:52:45,279
Speaker 1: this could be real. Got through to the third part

1062
00:52:45,280 --> 00:52:47,760
Speaker 1: and I think, yeah, three or four something like that. Yes,

1063
00:52:48,120 --> 00:52:49,080
Speaker 1: and while you were there.

1064
00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:53,080
Speaker 2: You started making these videos which were helping employees with

1065
00:52:53,120 --> 00:52:53,759
Speaker 2: their mental health.

1066
00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:55,719
Speaker 1: Is that right? So I didn't make videos, but you know,

1067
00:52:55,719 --> 00:52:57,879
Speaker 1: when you join a new company, at least I loved

1068
00:52:57,920 --> 00:53:00,440
Speaker 1: how extented it. They had a great onboarding practice and

1069
00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:02,879
Speaker 1: you know, really really good culture and how they set

1070
00:53:02,960 --> 00:53:05,480
Speaker 1: us up for success. One of the questions was, what's

1071
00:53:05,520 --> 00:53:08,160
Speaker 1: an interesting fact about yourself? My interesting fact was I

1072
00:53:08,200 --> 00:53:09,800
Speaker 1: used to be a monk and I can teach meditation.

1073
00:53:10,320 --> 00:53:12,120
Speaker 1: And so my colleagues would come up to me and

1074
00:53:12,120 --> 00:53:14,480
Speaker 1: be like, that's weird or that's really interesting, like people

1075
00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:17,400
Speaker 1: that have different views. And so I started teaching meditation

1076
00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:21,800
Speaker 1: and mindfulness classes at ect Centure in my lunch breaks

1077
00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:25,799
Speaker 1: after work at a client office, and literally two people

1078
00:53:25,840 --> 00:53:27,480
Speaker 1: would turn up, but three people would turn up. And

1079
00:53:27,480 --> 00:53:29,160
Speaker 1: I loved it because I was getting to do what

1080
00:53:29,239 --> 00:53:31,720
Speaker 1: I loved and there were people who wanted to learn.

1081
00:53:32,200 --> 00:53:34,080
Speaker 1: And I started to do this, and I set up

1082
00:53:34,239 --> 00:53:36,560
Speaker 1: meditation mondays and people at the company would meditate at

1083
00:53:36,560 --> 00:53:39,320
Speaker 1: the start of a meeting. And one of the managing

1084
00:53:39,320 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 1: directors took a real liking to that work that I

1085
00:53:41,719 --> 00:53:44,880
Speaker 1: was doing because they were really prioritizing mental health. This

1086
00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:48,840
Speaker 1: is end of twenty thirteen in London, really prioritizing mental

1087
00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:51,799
Speaker 1: health at the company, which was incredible to see. And

1088
00:53:51,840 --> 00:53:53,400
Speaker 1: she said to me, she said, Jay, I'd love for

1089
00:53:53,440 --> 00:53:56,440
Speaker 1: you to teach a session like this to your colleagues

1090
00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:59,520
Speaker 1: at the summer event, the annual event, and there'll be

1091
00:53:59,520 --> 00:54:02,640
Speaker 1: a thousand of your colleagues there. You'll be speaking on

1092
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:06,239
Speaker 1: stage at twicken And Rugby Stadium and would you want

1093
00:54:06,280 --> 00:54:08,680
Speaker 1: to do this? And I was just like, this is unbelievable,

1094
00:54:08,800 --> 00:54:12,040
Speaker 1: what an amazing opportunity. And then Jilly Bryant grateful to

1095
00:54:12,080 --> 00:54:15,279
Speaker 1: her till this day for giving me that opportunity. And

1096
00:54:15,360 --> 00:54:18,000
Speaker 1: so I went there that day and gave this presentation

1097
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:20,200
Speaker 1: and I was so stressed out because I was in

1098
00:54:20,280 --> 00:54:23,279
Speaker 1: between the sea of the company and Will Greenwood, who

1099
00:54:23,280 --> 00:54:25,120
Speaker 1: won the Rugby World Cup and he was invited as

1100
00:54:25,120 --> 00:54:27,759
Speaker 1: a guest speaker. I'm just an employee at this point,

1101
00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:28,239
Speaker 1: like when.

1102
00:54:28,200 --> 00:54:31,480
Speaker 3: You have the Breweries of the Duwali before, and I've

1103
00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:33,279
Speaker 3: done a lot of speaking in between, but not to

1104
00:54:33,360 --> 00:54:36,440
Speaker 3: that size. I've there a ton of talks and presentations

1105
00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:39,200
Speaker 3: in between, but not to that scale. But I'm sitting

1106
00:54:39,239 --> 00:54:42,239
Speaker 3: there the whole time going I'm not Will Greenwood, I'm

1107
00:54:42,239 --> 00:54:44,600
Speaker 3: not Oli Benzacree, who is our CEO. At the time,

1108
00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:47,600
Speaker 3: I was like, I'm not those people, Like what do

1109
00:54:47,640 --> 00:54:47,839
Speaker 3: I do?

1110
00:54:47,880 --> 00:54:49,640
Speaker 1: What do I do? What do I do? And then

1111
00:54:49,640 --> 00:54:51,200
Speaker 1: I said to myself, I remember, I just got to

1112
00:54:51,239 --> 00:54:52,800
Speaker 1: be myself, like you know, I've just got to be

1113
00:54:53,000 --> 00:54:55,759
Speaker 1: myself authentically and everything will be okay. And then after

1114
00:54:55,800 --> 00:54:59,040
Speaker 1: that presentation, Jilly came up to me and she said,

1115
00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:02,360
Speaker 1: I've seen a group of millennials be that present with

1116
00:55:02,440 --> 00:55:05,239
Speaker 1: anyone else on stage or be that silent. It was

1117
00:55:05,280 --> 00:55:07,200
Speaker 1: pindrop and you can She was like, you couldn't hear

1118
00:55:07,200 --> 00:55:09,640
Speaker 1: a thing. And that day I started. From that day,

1119
00:55:09,680 --> 00:55:11,880
Speaker 1: I started teaching meditation across the whole company. And so

1120
00:55:12,239 --> 00:55:15,839
Speaker 1: that was like a real moment of just incredible. Yeah,

1121
00:55:15,880 --> 00:55:16,680
Speaker 1: it's so relief.

1122
00:55:17,120 --> 00:55:18,560
Speaker 2: I also wanted to ask you and I want to take

1123
00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:20,919
Speaker 2: you back to New York and those four months where

1124
00:55:21,160 --> 00:55:24,120
Speaker 2: your four months from going broke and what happened next,

1125
00:55:24,200 --> 00:55:26,960
Speaker 2: because it feels to me that your purpose was calling

1126
00:55:27,000 --> 00:55:30,279
Speaker 2: to you. It was almost dragging you through. Yep, it

1127
00:55:30,360 --> 00:55:33,880
Speaker 2: was just this fateful light. Yes that was guiding you.

1128
00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:37,200
Speaker 1: Yes, Yeah, it felt like another thing that had gone wrong,

1129
00:55:37,360 --> 00:55:39,440
Speaker 1: but it actually was an opening. I think if that

1130
00:55:39,520 --> 00:55:42,120
Speaker 1: moment never came, maybe I would have just continued making

1131
00:55:42,160 --> 00:55:44,160
Speaker 1: videos on the side, or it would have been a

1132
00:55:44,239 --> 00:55:45,839
Speaker 1: nice hobby. And by the way, I would have been

1133
00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:47,479
Speaker 1: really happy with that, because at that time I didn't

1134
00:55:47,480 --> 00:55:49,879
Speaker 1: know what was possible. So I would have happily had

1135
00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:52,319
Speaker 1: a hobby of giving talks on the evenings and making

1136
00:55:52,360 --> 00:55:54,239
Speaker 1: videos on the weekends. I I wouldn't have been an

1137
00:55:54,239 --> 00:55:57,439
Speaker 1: issue with that. One of my mentors, Thomas Power, who

1138
00:55:57,520 --> 00:56:00,359
Speaker 1: lives in London, who was part of training us at

1139
00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:03,000
Speaker 1: accenture or on social media. He doesn't work at Extension,

1140
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:06,640
Speaker 1: but Accentuon brought him in and he often would say

1141
00:56:06,680 --> 00:56:09,480
Speaker 1: to me. He said, Jay, you'll realize your potential when

1142
00:56:09,520 --> 00:56:12,719
Speaker 1: you're in pain. He said, that's when you'll realize your potential.

1143
00:56:12,760 --> 00:56:14,799
Speaker 1: He said, you will never realize your potential when things

1144
00:56:14,840 --> 00:56:16,640
Speaker 1: are going well. And I used to always be like,

1145
00:56:16,719 --> 00:56:19,640
Speaker 1: am proactive, Like when you're proactive, you always know your potential.

1146
00:56:20,000 --> 00:56:22,319
Speaker 1: And those four months are being broke, like being away

1147
00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:26,600
Speaker 1: from being broken, having nothing and being married newly. That

1148
00:56:26,640 --> 00:56:29,319
Speaker 1: made me realize how much potential I had because I'd

1149
00:56:29,360 --> 00:56:30,920
Speaker 1: never been under that much pain, and so I got

1150
00:56:30,920 --> 00:56:33,239
Speaker 1: the most disciplined I'd ever got. I got the most

1151
00:56:33,280 --> 00:56:35,960
Speaker 1: focused I'd ever got. I sent probably like a thousand

1152
00:56:36,040 --> 00:56:38,319
Speaker 1: emails in that first week letting people know what I

1153
00:56:38,320 --> 00:56:40,000
Speaker 1: could do for them. I would edit videos if they

1154
00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:42,760
Speaker 1: needed it. I could make training videos for their company.

1155
00:56:42,760 --> 00:56:44,880
Speaker 1: If they needed it, I would. I was doing anything

1156
00:56:44,960 --> 00:56:47,920
Speaker 1: just to survive, just to live. But it brought this

1157
00:56:48,200 --> 00:56:50,560
Speaker 1: energy out in me that I didn't even know I had,

1158
00:56:51,280 --> 00:56:56,719
Speaker 1: which was this relentless, resilient, consistency and pursue of excellence

1159
00:56:56,760 --> 00:57:00,520
Speaker 1: that until that point was not really realized. And now

1160
00:57:00,560 --> 00:57:02,239
Speaker 1: I live off that energy like I think it's been

1161
00:57:02,280 --> 00:57:04,919
Speaker 1: the same energy that's fueled so many of the last

1162
00:57:04,920 --> 00:57:07,520
Speaker 1: few years, which is really beautiful. It's almost like you

1163
00:57:07,560 --> 00:57:10,480
Speaker 1: discover a gear you didn't know you had, and now

1164
00:57:10,480 --> 00:57:12,439
Speaker 1: I know which gear I can get to, and that's

1165
00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:16,160
Speaker 1: a really special, special thing that I got from that experience.

1166
00:57:17,200 --> 00:57:20,240
Speaker 2: Your final failure goes back to when you were eighteen

1167
00:57:20,400 --> 00:57:23,040
Speaker 2: and you were leading a team and someone gave you

1168
00:57:23,080 --> 00:57:23,640
Speaker 2: some advice.

1169
00:57:23,800 --> 00:57:28,080
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, Yeah, I was leading a community youth group

1170
00:57:28,200 --> 00:57:32,640
Speaker 1: that organized retreats and events, and we'd taken a group

1171
00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:37,040
Speaker 1: of students to Italy and I was new to this,

1172
00:57:37,320 --> 00:57:39,800
Speaker 1: and I was new to management and new to leadership.

1173
00:57:40,040 --> 00:57:41,960
Speaker 1: But I was getting a lot of criticism from the

1174
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:44,160
Speaker 1: senior leaders in the youth group. It wasn't the most

1175
00:57:44,360 --> 00:57:47,520
Speaker 1: encouraging atmosphere, and a lot of people were saying to me, like, oh,

1176
00:57:47,560 --> 00:57:49,400
Speaker 1: you're not a good manager, You're not a good leader.

1177
00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:51,600
Speaker 1: I'm eighteen years old, I have no idea what management

1178
00:57:51,600 --> 00:57:55,040
Speaker 1: and leadership even mean. And I'm getting a lot of criticism.

1179
00:57:55,040 --> 00:57:56,920
Speaker 1: And to me, they're the ones who did this before,

1180
00:57:56,960 --> 00:58:00,600
Speaker 1: so they must know again, this idea that they are authority,

1181
00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:03,480
Speaker 1: they must know more than me. So I'm listening very carefully,

1182
00:58:04,480 --> 00:58:06,520
Speaker 1: and one of them said to me, they said, you know, Jay,

1183
00:58:06,560 --> 00:58:10,200
Speaker 1: you're not very assertive. You're like not a very assertive person.

1184
00:58:10,240 --> 00:58:12,120
Speaker 1: That's why you'll never be a good manager, you never

1185
00:58:12,120 --> 00:58:14,920
Speaker 1: be a good leader. And really what they were saying is, Jay,

1186
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:16,640
Speaker 1: you're not tough enough. And then they went on to

1187
00:58:16,640 --> 00:58:18,440
Speaker 1: say that they say, you're not tough enough. You're not

1188
00:58:19,240 --> 00:58:21,440
Speaker 1: you're not like, you don't know how to delegate and

1189
00:58:21,840 --> 00:58:23,840
Speaker 1: tell people what to do, and so people never listen

1190
00:58:23,880 --> 00:58:25,600
Speaker 1: to you. And I've never been that way because I

1191
00:58:25,600 --> 00:58:27,400
Speaker 1: think I've always been loved by my mum in such

1192
00:58:27,400 --> 00:58:31,600
Speaker 1: a sweet, compassionate, caring way that I consider my leadership

1193
00:58:31,680 --> 00:58:34,120
Speaker 1: style today to be that way. I can be assertive,

1194
00:58:34,120 --> 00:58:36,720
Speaker 1: for sure, I've had to learn to be assertive, but

1195
00:58:36,840 --> 00:58:39,000
Speaker 1: I think at that time I didn't know the balance

1196
00:58:39,040 --> 00:58:43,960
Speaker 1: between affectionate and assertive, and I think I was very

1197
00:58:44,360 --> 00:58:47,280
Speaker 1: out of character with someone. For someone who would have

1198
00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:51,000
Speaker 1: thought that Jay's quite a gentle person, he's, you know,

1199
00:58:51,360 --> 00:58:53,600
Speaker 1: even if he's saying something that's hard to swallow or

1200
00:58:53,680 --> 00:58:57,280
Speaker 1: be very thoughtfully shared. And I think I was very

1201
00:58:57,280 --> 00:58:59,520
Speaker 1: out of character with one of my team members. And

1202
00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:03,480
Speaker 1: not only did I hurt him so much that he

1203
00:59:03,520 --> 00:59:05,240
Speaker 1: didn't talk to me for the rest of the retreat,

1204
00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:07,800
Speaker 1: he never has till this day, has never talked to

1205
00:59:07,800 --> 00:59:12,960
Speaker 1: me ever again. I called him, I left messages, I

1206
00:59:13,000 --> 00:59:18,000
Speaker 1: asked people to talk to him. I tried anything possible

1207
00:59:18,000 --> 00:59:19,800
Speaker 1: to get through to him. After we came back from

1208
00:59:19,800 --> 00:59:24,400
Speaker 1: the retreat, realizing I'd made a horrible mistake, and he

1209
00:59:24,480 --> 00:59:26,920
Speaker 1: never got back to me, never applied, never messaged back.

1210
00:59:27,200 --> 00:59:29,920
Speaker 1: And it was a really tough experience because it was

1211
00:59:29,960 --> 00:59:32,680
Speaker 1: really upsetting because that wasn't me and I knew that

1212
00:59:32,720 --> 00:59:35,520
Speaker 1: it probably hurt him more because it wasn't me. It

1213
00:59:35,560 --> 00:59:38,400
Speaker 1: was so out of character, and it was just, you know,

1214
00:59:38,640 --> 00:59:40,280
Speaker 1: I would have said to him something along the lines

1215
00:59:40,280 --> 00:59:42,840
Speaker 1: of like, oh, you've been really unorganized, you haven't been

1216
00:59:42,840 --> 00:59:44,560
Speaker 1: thinking about it. We need your help, you're not working

1217
00:59:44,600 --> 00:59:47,520
Speaker 1: hard enough. Like it was something to those that extent.

1218
00:59:47,560 --> 00:59:49,200
Speaker 1: It wasn't I didn't swear at him, or I wasn't

1219
00:59:49,280 --> 00:59:51,120
Speaker 1: rude it. You know, it was along the lines of

1220
00:59:51,200 --> 00:59:54,160
Speaker 1: just being quite forceful when that wasn't who I was.

1221
00:59:55,000 --> 00:59:57,760
Speaker 1: And that's always been a reminder to me of don't

1222
00:59:57,800 --> 01:00:01,880
Speaker 1: act out of character for anyone, and don't just trust

1223
01:00:01,920 --> 01:00:04,280
Speaker 1: someone knows better than you, especially when it comes to people.

1224
01:00:05,080 --> 01:00:07,440
Speaker 1: Lead with your heart, lead with what you know best.

1225
01:00:07,480 --> 01:00:10,440
Speaker 1: And yeah, that failure is a tough one because it's

1226
01:00:10,480 --> 01:00:12,040
Speaker 1: hard when you can't turn it around. I think when

1227
01:00:12,040 --> 01:00:15,640
Speaker 1: most people tell their failure stories, it's conveniently stuffed. That

1228
01:00:15,680 --> 01:00:18,000
Speaker 1: also works out. Yes, it can be a humble it

1229
01:00:18,040 --> 01:00:19,959
Speaker 1: can be a humble brand, but that one's like, there's

1230
01:00:19,960 --> 01:00:23,320
Speaker 1: no brand, there's no brag because I don't now have

1231
01:00:23,360 --> 01:00:24,920
Speaker 1: a relationship with him. It's not like, oh, no, we're

1232
01:00:24,960 --> 01:00:26,600
Speaker 1: best friends and we just went out for drinks yesterday.

1233
01:00:26,600 --> 01:00:28,920
Speaker 1: It's like I still hasn't talked to me. I obviously

1234
01:00:29,200 --> 01:00:34,040
Speaker 1: stopped pursuing an apology after probably maybe six months. I

1235
01:00:34,080 --> 01:00:35,760
Speaker 1: think there's six months of time that I let go

1236
01:00:35,800 --> 01:00:37,400
Speaker 1: by where I was really pursuing him and trying to

1237
01:00:37,400 --> 01:00:38,840
Speaker 1: get through to him through different people, and then I

1238
01:00:38,880 --> 01:00:40,840
Speaker 1: just said, Okay, you know what I was wrong. I'll

1239
01:00:40,840 --> 01:00:43,440
Speaker 1: take it as a moment of you know, there's that

1240
01:00:43,520 --> 01:00:47,640
Speaker 1: famous quote that says that the best apology is changed behavior.

1241
01:00:48,480 --> 01:00:50,320
Speaker 1: I don't know who said it, but it's a beautiful thought,

1242
01:00:50,400 --> 01:00:53,360
Speaker 1: and I really like that statement. And I thought, well,

1243
01:00:53,400 --> 01:00:55,360
Speaker 1: that's the only way I can forgive myself, and that's

1244
01:00:55,400 --> 01:00:58,160
Speaker 1: the only way that I can improve for the future

1245
01:00:58,200 --> 01:01:01,400
Speaker 1: is change behavior. And my main change behavior is don't

1246
01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:03,040
Speaker 1: listen to anyone else just because you think they know

1247
01:01:03,080 --> 01:01:05,120
Speaker 1: a bit more than you, and do something out.

1248
01:01:04,960 --> 01:01:07,920
Speaker 2: Of character and act in alignment with your soul values.

1249
01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:11,360
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, yeah, exactly, Like even till this day, I

1250
01:01:11,440 --> 01:01:13,120
Speaker 1: just I wouldn't talk to anyone like that. It's just

1251
01:01:13,160 --> 01:01:15,520
Speaker 1: not how I've been raised, It's not how I've been

1252
01:01:15,560 --> 01:01:17,520
Speaker 1: trained by my mum. I'm not you know, that's not

1253
01:01:17,560 --> 01:01:19,240
Speaker 1: who I am, And I don't want to act out

1254
01:01:19,240 --> 01:01:20,000
Speaker 1: of alignment. Again.

1255
01:01:20,880 --> 01:01:23,120
Speaker 2: I'd love that person to be listening to this podcast.

1256
01:01:23,400 --> 01:01:25,360
Speaker 1: I mean, that would be incredible, and that would be

1257
01:01:25,400 --> 01:01:27,800
Speaker 1: a beautiful story. But I've also just let go of

1258
01:01:27,840 --> 01:01:30,480
Speaker 1: the idea that that even has to happen for closure.

1259
01:01:30,880 --> 01:01:32,640
Speaker 1: And I think I'd like people to think of breakups

1260
01:01:32,680 --> 01:01:35,360
Speaker 1: that way. I'd like people to think of endings that way,

1261
01:01:35,440 --> 01:01:37,880
Speaker 1: that not all endings have to have a fairy tale,

1262
01:01:37,880 --> 01:01:39,800
Speaker 1: and not all endings have to have a magic moment.

1263
01:01:40,320 --> 01:01:42,880
Speaker 1: Some of them just teach us something special for the

1264
01:01:42,920 --> 01:01:46,600
Speaker 1: future and benefit other people. And you can't let one

1265
01:01:46,680 --> 01:01:50,360
Speaker 1: person's experience define the rest of your life. You just can't.

1266
01:01:50,560 --> 01:01:52,400
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean I don't feel sorry. It doesn't

1267
01:01:52,440 --> 01:01:54,320
Speaker 1: mean I don't feel bad about it still. I mean,

1268
01:01:54,360 --> 01:01:56,440
Speaker 1: even talking to you about it, there's part of me

1269
01:01:56,480 --> 01:01:58,960
Speaker 1: that feel guilty. But at the same time, we have

1270
01:01:59,000 --> 01:02:02,760
Speaker 1: to understand that different between guilt and growth, and guilt

1271
01:02:02,800 --> 01:02:06,600
Speaker 1: can keep to you blocked forever from growth, and growth

1272
01:02:06,680 --> 01:02:08,840
Speaker 1: is far more the healer of guilt.

1273
01:02:09,320 --> 01:02:12,920
Speaker 2: Oh, that's so good understanding the difference between guilt and growth.

1274
01:02:13,000 --> 01:02:16,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I'm more focused on growth. I'd rather become

1275
01:02:16,160 --> 01:02:20,040
Speaker 1: better and be better and choose better moving forward than

1276
01:02:20,080 --> 01:02:23,240
Speaker 1: make myself feel bad and criticize myself and judge myself

1277
01:02:23,240 --> 01:02:25,560
Speaker 1: to feel guilty. And I think often we stay in

1278
01:02:25,560 --> 01:02:28,160
Speaker 1: that place of like, I'm going to criticize myself, I'm

1279
01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:30,040
Speaker 1: going to judge myself. I'm going to make myself feel

1280
01:02:30,040 --> 01:02:32,320
Speaker 1: guilty because somehow that makes me feel better that I

1281
01:02:32,360 --> 01:02:35,680
Speaker 1: feel bad about it. Yes, but actually growth is me

1282
01:02:35,920 --> 01:02:38,160
Speaker 1: really saying that I feel bad about it because I'm

1283
01:02:38,200 --> 01:02:39,960
Speaker 1: choosing to become better now for the future.

1284
01:02:41,200 --> 01:02:42,880
Speaker 2: J Chesse, I could talk to you for hours.

1285
01:02:42,920 --> 01:02:43,520
Speaker 1: I can talk to you.

1286
01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:48,840
Speaker 2: Really, this has been an education in enlightenment. I'm so

1287
01:02:48,920 --> 01:02:51,360
Speaker 2: grateful to you for how you are in the world,

1288
01:02:51,760 --> 01:02:54,120
Speaker 2: for the books that you write, for taking the time

1289
01:02:54,160 --> 01:02:55,960
Speaker 2: to talk to me, and for ensuring that I'll never

1290
01:02:56,000 --> 01:02:57,680
Speaker 2: watch the Notebook in the same way again.

1291
01:02:58,560 --> 01:03:00,439
Speaker 1: Well, I want to thank you because I I really

1292
01:03:00,600 --> 01:03:02,880
Speaker 1: and I don't just say this. I say this when

1293
01:03:02,920 --> 01:03:06,160
Speaker 1: I feel it. And there's an energy that you create

1294
01:03:06,200 --> 01:03:08,040
Speaker 1: in this room. There's a space, there's a tone of

1295
01:03:08,080 --> 01:03:12,160
Speaker 1: your voice, there's a presence in your questioning, and I

1296
01:03:12,200 --> 01:03:15,160
Speaker 1: really love observing all these like very micro moments, and

1297
01:03:15,640 --> 01:03:18,240
Speaker 1: sometimes I feel that way and I feel I've gone

1298
01:03:18,240 --> 01:03:20,800
Speaker 1: inward to answer a question versus going outward. And I

1299
01:03:20,840 --> 01:03:22,920
Speaker 1: felt like that today and this in your presence and

1300
01:03:23,160 --> 01:03:26,120
Speaker 1: in your space and the wonderful atmosphere you've created, I

1301
01:03:26,160 --> 01:03:29,480
Speaker 1: just want to acknowledge that, because, Yeah, if anything's been

1302
01:03:29,480 --> 01:03:31,400
Speaker 1: good in this conversation, it's because you can be in

1303
01:03:31,440 --> 01:03:33,080
Speaker 1: a room sometimes and you can feel that there's so

1304
01:03:33,200 --> 01:03:36,000
Speaker 1: much space and there's so much pace, and this room

1305
01:03:36,040 --> 01:03:38,200
Speaker 1: feels so slow right now, and it feels so present,

1306
01:03:38,240 --> 01:03:40,600
Speaker 1: and it feels so there's just like a beauty in

1307
01:03:40,600 --> 01:03:42,640
Speaker 1: this room that you know, and that's your energy. So

1308
01:03:43,520 --> 01:03:52,720
Speaker 1: energetically great, strategically great. And I'm not getting paid for this. Yeah,

1309
01:03:53,280 --> 01:03:55,400
Speaker 1: I really I really appreciate you. Thank you. Appreciate you,

1310
01:03:55,600 --> 01:04:06,920
Speaker 1: thank thank you, thank you. When you go into a

1311
01:04:07,000 --> 01:04:12,040
Speaker 1: dance studio, at least one wall is usually lined with mirrors.

1312
01:04:12,560 --> 01:04:16,160
Speaker 1: That's because it can be really helpful to see ourselves

1313
01:04:16,840 --> 01:04:20,960
Speaker 1: so we can notice our missteps, yes, but just as important,

1314
01:04:21,320 --> 01:04:24,800
Speaker 1: so we can also see what we're doing well, and

1315
01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:28,680
Speaker 1: mirroring the positive is also something we can do for

1316
01:04:28,760 --> 01:04:33,400
Speaker 1: one another. I'll explain the next seven minutes are about

1317
01:04:33,440 --> 01:04:37,600
Speaker 1: your relationships and how a little reflection can help spread

1318
01:04:37,640 --> 01:04:43,160
Speaker 1: the light. I'm Jay Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now,

1319
01:04:43,200 --> 01:04:47,320
Speaker 1: as per usual, let's pause to get centered with three

1320
01:04:47,800 --> 01:05:06,160
Speaker 1: deep breaths inhaling and exhaling, arriving and settling, connecting with

1321
01:05:06,280 --> 01:05:15,080
Speaker 1: this moment, and dropping in. It was a typical afternoon

1322
01:05:15,400 --> 01:05:18,760
Speaker 1: on a typical day. My friend was standing in line

1323
01:05:18,880 --> 01:05:22,760
Speaker 1: at a regular neighborhood grocery store waiting to check out.

1324
01:05:23,320 --> 01:05:26,440
Speaker 1: As usual, she stepped up to the cashier and smiled,

1325
01:05:26,960 --> 01:05:32,600
Speaker 1: and the cashier smiled back. Then something surprising happened. You know.

1326
01:05:33,000 --> 01:05:36,760
Speaker 1: The cashier said to my friend, I'm always so happy

1327
01:05:37,160 --> 01:05:41,040
Speaker 1: to see you in my line. Really, my friend said,

1328
01:05:41,680 --> 01:05:46,240
Speaker 1: why is that? Well, the cashier replied, it's just that

1329
01:05:46,360 --> 01:05:50,280
Speaker 1: you're always so friendly, and it really brightens my day.

1330
01:05:51,400 --> 01:05:55,840
Speaker 1: My friend was taken aback. She had no idea. But

1331
01:05:56,000 --> 01:05:59,280
Speaker 1: my friend isn't the focus of this story. It's the

1332
01:05:59,320 --> 01:06:05,040
Speaker 1: cashier because she did something that's so simple that actually

1333
01:06:05,080 --> 01:06:10,000
Speaker 1: pretty rare. She reflected my friend's light back to her.

1334
01:06:11,560 --> 01:06:15,600
Speaker 1: Writer Edith Wharton once said, there are two ways of

1335
01:06:15,720 --> 01:06:20,200
Speaker 1: spreading light. To be the candle or the mirror that

1336
01:06:20,280 --> 01:06:23,800
Speaker 1: reflects it. Most of the time we try to be

1337
01:06:23,920 --> 01:06:27,080
Speaker 1: the candle. We do whatever we can to spread our

1338
01:06:27,080 --> 01:06:31,560
Speaker 1: own light. Yet there's an easy and powerful way we

1339
01:06:31,600 --> 01:06:34,880
Speaker 1: can do even more. We can also be the mirror.

1340
01:06:35,920 --> 01:06:39,200
Speaker 1: When my friend had that exchange with the cashier, it

1341
01:06:39,280 --> 01:06:43,840
Speaker 1: shifted something inside her. Suddenly she saw herself as a

1342
01:06:43,880 --> 01:06:48,720
Speaker 1: person who could improve someone else's day just by being herself.

1343
01:06:49,640 --> 01:06:53,720
Speaker 1: This is how mirroring magnifies. It encourages people to lean

1344
01:06:53,720 --> 01:06:58,000
Speaker 1: into the good they're doing and amplify their positive traits.

1345
01:06:58,600 --> 01:07:02,400
Speaker 1: The truth is everyone has a light inside them, but

1346
01:07:02,440 --> 01:07:05,840
Speaker 1: when you see it, how often do you acknowledge it?

1347
01:07:06,800 --> 01:07:10,280
Speaker 1: Maybe your mother always helps you feel better when you're stressed.

1348
01:07:11,080 --> 01:07:15,640
Speaker 1: Maybe there's a colleague whose consistent compassion makes your experience

1349
01:07:15,680 --> 01:07:19,760
Speaker 1: at work that much better. Maybe you think back to

1350
01:07:19,880 --> 01:07:23,400
Speaker 1: how a certain teachers mentorship made a huge impact on

1351
01:07:23,440 --> 01:07:27,360
Speaker 1: your life. But have you ever told them, Have you

1352
01:07:27,400 --> 01:07:30,240
Speaker 1: ever held up that mirror and help them see that

1353
01:07:30,600 --> 01:07:35,600
Speaker 1: about themselves. We often underestimate the impact we have on

1354
01:07:35,680 --> 01:07:40,560
Speaker 1: other people. But your appreciative words and actions have the

1355
01:07:40,680 --> 01:07:45,440
Speaker 1: power to make someone's day, even to change their life,

1356
01:07:45,640 --> 01:07:50,680
Speaker 1: and it causes their light to spread. It doesn't take much,

1357
01:07:51,000 --> 01:07:54,120
Speaker 1: Plus it feels really good to do it, and so

1358
01:07:54,280 --> 01:07:58,440
Speaker 1: your light amps up to now. I'm not suggesting that

1359
01:07:58,480 --> 01:08:02,160
Speaker 1: you be insincere or over the top, but the next

1360
01:08:02,200 --> 01:08:06,400
Speaker 1: time you catch a glimpse of someone else's brightness, consider

1361
01:08:06,480 --> 01:08:10,040
Speaker 1: reflecting it back to them, because if each of us

1362
01:08:10,320 --> 01:08:14,720
Speaker 1: could help others shine a little bit more, ultimately we

1363
01:08:14,880 --> 01:08:18,960
Speaker 1: might be able to light up the whole world. On

1364
01:08:19,040 --> 01:08:23,400
Speaker 1: that note, let's do a short meditation and then reflect

1365
01:08:23,760 --> 01:08:28,760
Speaker 1: on how you can spread the light. So first, get

1366
01:08:28,800 --> 01:08:34,679
Speaker 1: comfortable wherever you are, maybe stretching your neck or shaking

1367
01:08:34,720 --> 01:08:41,000
Speaker 1: out some tension, closing your eyes if that feels good,

1368
01:08:41,880 --> 01:08:50,040
Speaker 1: and giving your mind permission to embrace a sense of calm.

1369
01:08:50,080 --> 01:08:56,800
Speaker 1: Beginning to notice your breath. Here, your natural breath as

1370
01:08:56,840 --> 01:09:09,160
Speaker 1: it flows in and out, No force, no fight, simply

1371
01:09:09,240 --> 01:09:17,559
Speaker 1: observing your body doing the simplest of acts, being and

1372
01:09:17,720 --> 01:09:29,840
Speaker 1: breathing gently, resting your attention there. If your mind ever

1373
01:09:29,920 --> 01:09:35,800
Speaker 1: starts to wonder, well that's to be expected, considering you're

1374
01:09:35,880 --> 01:09:40,479
Speaker 1: human and all. Just see if you can catch it

1375
01:09:41,200 --> 01:09:47,440
Speaker 1: before it drifts too far away, and bring your awareness

1376
01:09:48,479 --> 01:10:04,280
Speaker 1: back to your breath in and out, rise and fall

1377
01:10:06,840 --> 01:10:18,200
Speaker 1: in your own time, at your own pace, Keep breathing

1378
01:10:19,920 --> 01:10:30,479
Speaker 1: and keep tuning in and now let's open it up.

1379
01:10:32,000 --> 01:10:37,360
Speaker 1: Think about someone in your life who inspires, comforts, or

1380
01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:45,840
Speaker 1: supports you. What about them do you find motivating or uplifting?

1381
01:10:51,120 --> 01:10:58,880
Speaker 1: How can you mirror their light? Can you commit to

1382
01:10:59,000 --> 01:11:05,799
Speaker 1: getting in touch with them today now? If you're looking

1383
01:11:05,960 --> 01:11:08,920
Speaker 1: for another way to spread the light, you can go

1384
01:11:09,000 --> 01:11:12,880
Speaker 1: ahead and share this message with a friend. I'm so

1385
01:11:13,040 --> 01:11:16,519
Speaker 1: grateful for your energy and focus here. I'll see you

1386
01:11:16,560 --> 01:11:17,080
Speaker 1: tomorrow