Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's get to the big news today.
Speaker 3: Breathless anticipation at Trump Tower over an important and perhaps
Speaker 3: earth taking.
Speaker 2: Development in the world. Are former President Donald J. Trump?
Speaker 4: Celebrations are underway for former President Trump after claiming he
Speaker 4: won two golf trophies at his West Palm Beach club.
Speaker 3: That's right, woke libs. You think Donald Trump's a loser.
Speaker 3: What would a loser brag about winning a golf tournament
Speaker 3: at his own course.
Speaker 2: I don't think so.
Speaker 3: Although obviously Trump has an advantage playing golf, it's difficult
Speaker 3: for his opponents to stay focused when they spend all
Speaker 3: that time staring at that ass Come on, a lot
Speaker 3: of times golfers let you grab them by the asshole.
Speaker 1: They love it if you're a celebrity. That's the worst
Speaker 1: Trump impression in the history of thumbs.
Speaker 3: Actually, Trump one of the few talented golfers who has
Speaker 3: a thick ass and a front butt. He has a
Speaker 3: front button. So what it does is the butt and
Speaker 3: the front butt become like a big like a ball,
Speaker 3: Like a big ball, the back and the front it
Speaker 3: helps with the center of gravity. It's like being on
Speaker 3: a hippitie hop. But I'm kidding, of course. Congratulations Donald
Speaker 3: Trump on winning the Trump Cup. I'm actually talking about
Speaker 3: today's big Trump legal development.
Speaker 5: The clock is ticking for former President Donald Trump. You'll
Speaker 5: need to post a nearly half a billion dollar bond
Speaker 5: in order to satisfy his New York civil fraud case judgment.
Speaker 5: Otherwise the state could begin seizing properties to pay for it.
Speaker 2: Damn that's right.
Speaker 3: All week we sat with breathless anticipation to see if
Speaker 3: Trump had four hundred and fifty four million dollars in
Speaker 3: his wallet, or would Trump Tower be turned over to
Speaker 3: New York City to perhaps ease our terrible housing crunch,
Speaker 3: or more likely do what they always do, another shitty Walgreens.
Speaker 1: I think.
Speaker 3: I think another city Wallgreens whose shelves are bare from
Speaker 3: the rogue bands of shop lift US. Thanks a lot,
Speaker 3: David Dinkins, is he?
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 3: Very small percentage of the audience who will understand whatever,
Speaker 3: but the ones that do. As you can imagine the
Speaker 3: prospect of Trump being held accountable for what would be
Speaker 3: the first time had the media enthralled Donald Trump is
Speaker 3: running out of time to find four hundred and sixty
Speaker 3: four million dollars of formal.
Speaker 6: Presidents legal problems may finally be catching up with him.
Speaker 7: Could this be the beginning of the end for Trump's
Speaker 7: business empire. It does seem as though we are getting closer.
Speaker 8: Trump filling the walls, closing in on him.
Speaker 3: Panic mode. I'm told of setting it.
Speaker 9: I think we're going to be writing a version of
Speaker 9: an obituary of the Trump Organization on IP.
Speaker 3: The Trump Organization, it died as it lived, fraudulently cook books.
Speaker 3: It is very difficult to come from an obituary. It
Speaker 3: looks like it's the end of the line for Donald J.
Speaker 5: Trump.
Speaker 1: Esquire.
Speaker 3: No way he comes up with half a billion dollars
Speaker 3: by the end of the day. I've been saving this
Speaker 3: since twenty sixteen, and it's finally here, and and it's
Speaker 3: finally here.
Speaker 2: Judgment died four months ago.
Speaker 10: The former president got a financial lifeline from a New
Speaker 10: York appeals court.
Speaker 3: This isn't gonna be good.
Speaker 10: It reduced the bond he must pay in the civil
Speaker 10: fraud case for more than four hundred and fifty million
Speaker 10: dollars to one hundred and seventy five million dollars and
Speaker 10: gave him more time to pay for it.
Speaker 3: Well, that's still something that's ten days to come up
Speaker 3: with one hundred and seventy five million. I mean, unless
Speaker 3: he's about to come and do a shit ton of money,
Speaker 3: I don't see how he does that.
Speaker 11: The recent merger of truth Social couldn't at the former
Speaker 11: president some three billion dollars.
Speaker 1: Mother, ooh ooh. That is New Year's Eve.
Speaker 3: You know, let's take a step back. What did Trump
Speaker 3: actually do to earn this penalty. Well, it turns out
Speaker 3: that for a decade, whenever Trump wanted to get a
Speaker 3: loan or make a deal, he would illegally inflate the
Speaker 3: value of his real estate, for instance, suggesting that his
Speaker 3: eleven thousand square foot penthouse was a thirty thousand square
Speaker 3: foot penhouse. I guess somehow including the sky in the calculation.
Speaker 3: We all do it. I mean, in my license, I'm
Speaker 3: not listed as five to seven, you know, I'm listed
Speaker 3: as thirty thousand square feet. I mean, that's thank you.
Speaker 3: And the Attorney General of New York knew that Trump's
Speaker 3: property values were inflated because when it came time to
Speaker 3: pay taxes, Trump undervalued the vary same properties. It was
Speaker 3: all part of a very sophisticated real estate practice known
Speaker 3: as lying. So the judge calculated that the value that
Speaker 3: he gained from the lying with interest was around four
Speaker 3: hundred and fifty four million dollars. Now, you might be
Speaker 3: saying to yourself, well, that sounds pretty straightforward. Whatever gains
Speaker 3: you got from lying, you have to pay back. Well,
Speaker 3: that's because you're were an idiot. No, if you knew
Speaker 3: anything about business, if you had an MBA, you know,
Speaker 3: an idiot.
Speaker 12: We were talking about a victimless crime.
Speaker 7: They find an ordinance or a law that has never
Speaker 7: been used ever before, and anyone else.
Speaker 8: He's committed bank fraud where there's no victim.
Speaker 12: It makes no sense, no victims, there was no victim.
Speaker 12: The ruling is blatantly unfair.
Speaker 11: That didn't go over very well with the investment community
Speaker 11: because we're all asking each other who's next, Who's.
Speaker 3: Next the persecuted minority of the investment community.
Speaker 2: First, first, they came first, they came.
Speaker 3: For the arbitrageas and I said nothing, for I was
Speaker 3: not an arbitrage. And then they came for the quants,
Speaker 3: which I could be. I don't know what at but
Speaker 3: I am surprised to hear this from Kevin O'Leary, a
Speaker 3: guy who's such an asshole. Wait that even the other
Speaker 3: people on Shark Tank thinks he's an asshole.
Speaker 2: Now he's very chill.
Speaker 3: I'm surprised to hear that he's so chill about overvaluing
Speaker 3: something that he thinks is victimless because when someone tries
Speaker 3: to do that to him.
Speaker 11: Which one of you do, I absolutely tear to pieces.
Speaker 11: Now on a twenty eight million dollar valuation, you think
Speaker 11: this is.
Speaker 2: Worth ten million dollars? Absolutely, now I'm going.
Speaker 12: To rip your pieces.
Speaker 2: Are you out of your mind?
Speaker 11: Your valuations insane?
Speaker 2: Your valuations crazy.
Speaker 11: I think that's a crazy evaluation. I think your valuation
Speaker 11: is stinky poo pooh.
Speaker 1: Oh, No, you did it.
Speaker 3: Canadians are so vulgar. How is he not this mad
Speaker 3: about overvaluations in the real world because they are not
Speaker 3: victimless crimes. First, the bank's got paid back at lower
Speaker 3: interest rates, although, to be honest, who gives a shit.
Speaker 3: But second, money isn't infinite alone. That goes to the liar,
Speaker 3: doesn't go to someone who's giving a more honest evaluation,
Speaker 3: So the system becomes incentivized for and this is part
Speaker 3: of a different Trump fraud case, but avoiding taxes hurts
Speaker 3: all of us. Donald Trump Shenanigan's cost the city of
Speaker 3: New York, and to be honest, and let's be frank here,
Speaker 3: that is money that the City of New York could
Speaker 3: have used to build more Walgreens. Now some blocks, only
Speaker 3: half two of them. Leave it to Kevin O'Leary to
Speaker 3: be unaware enough to say the quiet part out loud.
Speaker 13: I hear about the so called Victimus crimes, but the
Speaker 13: laws on the books, false vacation, business records, and second
Speaker 13: degree issuing, false fancial statements, insurance fraud, conspiracy, in all
Speaker 13: these different aspects of it, those are actual crimes. I
Speaker 13: think as your point is that these should not have
Speaker 13: been prosecuted.
Speaker 11: Everything you just listed off is done by every real
Speaker 11: estate developer everywhere on earth, in every city. This has
Speaker 11: never ever been prosecut.
Speaker 3: There is a theory in law that if enough people
Speaker 3: commit a crime, it automatically becomes legal.
Speaker 1: You're familiar with.
Speaker 2: The purge, are you not? The thing entitled arrogance.
Speaker 3: I don't know if you know this, but most people
Speaker 3: just can't commit fraud and expect to face no repercussions,
Speaker 3: even if everyone's doing it. Try getting a car loan
Speaker 3: by saying you have ten times as much money as
Speaker 3: you really do, or claim twenty dependents when you have
Speaker 3: no children, or say you make slightly less money to
Speaker 3: qualify for food assistance.
Speaker 2: I will guarantee you there are not.
Speaker 3: Just financial consequences for those lives, but criminal ones. But
Speaker 3: don't tell that to the investment community, because in their minds,
Speaker 3: in pursuit of profit, there is no rule that cannot
Speaker 3: be bent. There is no principle that cannot be undercut
Speaker 3: as long as you and your friends make money. And
Speaker 3: the only immoral practice hold.
Speaker 14: On, I'm not done. If I could wait, bag the
Speaker 14: raids might chair up, I would. Apparently the only immoral
Speaker 14: practice in.
Speaker 3: The capitalist system is to use that money for people
Speaker 3: who may need it.
Speaker 7: Broadways and abuse people never want to be honest about
Speaker 7: but a lot of these parents will you know?
Speaker 2: They abuse a system.
Speaker 9: A lot of them are encouraged to abuse the system.
Speaker 8: Where do you think the money that you get for
Speaker 8: food stamps and other things, what do you think pays
Speaker 8: that money your healthcare?
Speaker 12: You're taking their money and you just don't seem to care.
Speaker 12: The guy who walks out of the store with a
Speaker 12: bag of food. Is he entitled to it because food
Speaker 12: is a necessity and he doesn't have enough of it?
Speaker 3: You nutrition needing mothers, bringing out system.
Speaker 1: To its knees.
Speaker 3: Stealing is only justified when you already have too much. Ultimately,
Speaker 3: whether or not try he was a victim of selective prosecution,
Speaker 3: it's going to be a matter for the Supreme Court
Speaker 3: to decide. Luckily, that is an institution which still holds
Speaker 3: the trust of the American people because of its integrity.
Speaker 7: For years, Justice Clarence Thomas has secretly accepted luxury gifts
Speaker 7: from a GOP mega donor, Harlan Crowe, gifts like private
Speaker 7: jet flights, luxury yacht cruises, and according to the report,
Speaker 7: the Supreme Court justice never reported them on annual financial disclosures.
Speaker 2: Victimless. It's a victimless crime.
Speaker 8: Let's begin with the ongoing legal woes of America's defendant
Speaker 8: in chief, Donald Trump. Trump has just over a week
Speaker 8: to come up with one hundred and seventy five million
Speaker 8: dollar bond in his real estate fraud case. And if
Speaker 8: he can't get it from selling shares in a social
Speaker 8: media company or borrowing from his billionaire friends, or team
Speaker 8: up with Giuliani for a sexy car wash and and
Speaker 8: this latest very classy business venture just might do the trick.
Speaker 15: I'm proud to be partnering with my very good friend
Speaker 15: Lee Greenwood, who doesn't love his song, God Bless the
Speaker 15: USA in connection with promoting the God Bless the USA Bible.
Speaker 2: This Bible is the King.
Speaker 16: James version and also includes our founding for other documents. Yes,
Speaker 16: the Constitution, also the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence,
Speaker 16: and the Pledge of Allegiance are all part of this.
Speaker 16: All Americans need a Bible in their home, and I
Speaker 16: have many.
Speaker 15: It's my favorite.
Speaker 2: Book, many, many, many. How does that thing.
Speaker 8: Not burst into flames immediately?
Speaker 1: Huh?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 8: Trump is mashing together the Bible and the Constitution like
Speaker 8: it's a pizza hut taco bell. And I know people
Speaker 8: will say that you're not supposed to mix the Bible
Speaker 8: and the Constitution, but you have to understand is Trump
Speaker 8: has never read either of them. If we step back
Speaker 8: and look at this, Trump getting into business with God
Speaker 8: can only mean one thing. God is gonna end up
Speaker 8: bankrupt and serving a three month prison sentence for lying
Speaker 8: under oath. I mean, what's amazing about this is that
Speaker 8: Trump just made five billion dollars on his new stock. Buddy,
Speaker 8: you're not supposed to be doing this embarrassing grifter shit
Speaker 8: when you're that rich. Just start a private space company
Speaker 8: like a normal billionaire sociopath.
Speaker 2: You don't see Elon.
Speaker 8: Musk selling his farts in jars to.
Speaker 2: Perverts, do you? No?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Maybe maybe I haven't looked into it.
Speaker 8: Probably you do, but you know, I bet if I bet, yes,
Speaker 8: he probably. Let's move on, shall we. Let's move on
Speaker 8: to the big news of the day. As we've all
Speaker 8: heard by now, this morning, a cargo ship leaving Baltimore
Speaker 8: crashed into the Francis Scott Key Bridge, collapsing the entire
Speaker 8: bridge into the water. Now, early indications suggests the crash
Speaker 8: was caused by a power failure on the ship, but
Speaker 8: that's not going to stop America's professional fearmongers from blaming
Speaker 8: it on whatever's most convenient to them.
Speaker 7: The White House says there are no indications of foul
Speaker 7: play here.
Speaker 10: Of course, we're.
Speaker 7: Worried about a potential terrorist attack given the wide open border.
Speaker 17: You know, I'm no expert in what's going on in
Speaker 17: the seas, but all I would say is that If
Speaker 17: you talk to employers in America, they'll tell you that
Speaker 17: filling slots with employees who aren't drug adled is a
Speaker 17: very huge problems.
Speaker 6: And what are we doing to make sure that we
Speaker 6: have the best infrastructure in the world so that when
Speaker 6: a ship passes by and clips the bridge, that it
Speaker 6: doesn't entirely collapse.
Speaker 7: Alex Jones tweeting looks deliberate to me.
Speaker 9: A cyber attack is probable.
Speaker 7: World War three has already started, has already started.
Speaker 2: But I am done tickets this weekend. Can I at
Speaker 2: least see it before I enlist in the war? Who
Speaker 2: are we fighting? Exactly? Is it boats?
Speaker 8: Are we fighting the boats? You know what doesn't matter.
Speaker 8: I'll just start shooting. We'll figure it out later. You know,
Speaker 8: media figures, you are allowed to just say we're waiting
Speaker 8: for more information, right, We don't need to fill every
Speaker 8: moment of uncertainty with bullshit. It might be too early
Speaker 8: to speculate, but can we prove that this wasn't P
Speaker 8: Diddy's getaway sex barge?
Speaker 2: Stay tuned and find out.
Speaker 1: Look.
Speaker 8: Of course, America's infrastructure is in need of updating, of course,
Speaker 8: but I don't think this is the proof falling down
Speaker 8: is kind of what you expect a bridge to do
Speaker 8: when a giant cargo ship slams into it. If your
Speaker 8: grandma gets body slammed by the rock, you're not gonna
Speaker 8: blame her broken bones on a ca else of deficiency.
Speaker 8: You're gonna blame it on her not bringing her a
Speaker 8: game to the rock. You gotta step it up, night
Speaker 8: of Gotta step it up. Come on, Yes, finally, finally, finally,
Speaker 8: And some social media news. If you're a pre teen
Speaker 8: in Florida watching clips of the show on TikTok, you're
Speaker 8: about to be in a world of trouble.
Speaker 3: We turned out to a social media showdown in Florida,
Speaker 3: Governor Ronda Santas signing a bill banning children under fourteen
Speaker 3: from having their own social media accounts.
Speaker 4: If this law holds, Florida will have one of the
Speaker 4: most restrictive social media bands in the country. The new
Speaker 4: measure bar social media accounts for children under the age
Speaker 4: of fourteen and requires parental consent for fifteen and sixteen
Speaker 4: year olds. It also mandates that social media platform search
Speaker 4: for and remove the profiles of kids who don't meet
Speaker 4: the age requirement.
Speaker 8: This makes me so mad. This asshole. Ronda Santus might
Speaker 8: have done something I agree with.
Speaker 2: I mean, what wait, what does it say about me?
Speaker 2: I don't know what that says about me.
Speaker 8: I do think maybe this law isn't a bad idea.
Speaker 8: I think we can all agree that social media is
Speaker 8: a nightmare for kids. It increases their risk of depression,
Speaker 8: It exposes them to predators, It harms concentration. It gives
Speaker 8: you a wildly unrealistic expectation of how easy it is
Speaker 8: to prepare meals. Just throwing the potato, some stallion, some
Speaker 8: boiling water, a couple of fast that it's wall beautiful dinner,
Speaker 8: and your entire family loves you. You're a great father. No,
Speaker 8: it's not that easy. It turns out there's a lot
Speaker 8: of prep work. The videos don't show you that. They
Speaker 8: gotta blanch the onions. Then you got a Julianne the carrots.
Speaker 8: Now it's ten pm.
Speaker 2: Your kids are starving. They hate you. Why am I
Speaker 2: supposed to be doing all the cooking anyway? I was
Speaker 2: at work all day. I'm not a failure. I'm an
Speaker 2: ty you God damn it. Hypothetically, the.
Speaker 8: Point is if Florida teenagers are kicked off of their phones.
Speaker 8: Maybe they could focus on all the quintessential experiences of
Speaker 8: being a teen in Florida, things like wrestling a gator
Speaker 8: at prom, or going to the library and reading the
Speaker 8: four books that are still legal to read, or trying
Speaker 8: to avoid Matt Gates on your walk home from school.
Speaker 8: You know, classic Florida teen shit. Honestly, I wish Ron
Speaker 8: DeSantis had run on this when he was a presidential candidate.
Speaker 8: This is a much better message than his platform of
Speaker 8: wearing high heels and smiling like a demon in a
Speaker 8: horror movie. There's always twenty twenty eight Ron. For more
Speaker 8: reaction on the social media van, we go to Josh
Speaker 8: Johnson in Tallahassee. Josh, I'll be honest, I don't hate
Speaker 8: this bill. I think getting kids off social media will
Speaker 8: benefit them in all sorts of ways. Kindative development, better time,
Speaker 8: mat there's been personal skills. It's gonna be great for them.
Speaker 9: Yeah, Jordan, I couldn't agree more. And that's the problem. Okay,
Speaker 9: if you kick kids off of social while the rest
Speaker 9: of us stay on it, you're giving them a competitive advantage.
Speaker 9: How am I going to compete against a well rounded
Speaker 9: child after social media has already broken me? I have
Speaker 9: short term memory loss, bad eyesight, no attention span, crippling anxiety,
Speaker 9: short term memory loss, and according to TikTok all those
Speaker 9: symptoms mean I might be pregnant.
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, come on.
Speaker 8: I'm pretty sure you can compete with a fourteen year old.
Speaker 2: I can't.
Speaker 9: I've been staring down at the phone for twenty years.
Speaker 9: I can't even make strong eye contact.
Speaker 8: Look stop that, stop stop doing stop doing that.
Speaker 2: Please stop, don't stop. Don't ever do that again, Josh.
Speaker 9: I don't know any other way.
Speaker 8: Okay, I understand your concern, but you have to admit
Speaker 8: social media is awful for kids. They just spend all
Speaker 8: day bullying each other online.
Speaker 16: Yeah.
Speaker 9: I get that, but banning social media won't make the
Speaker 9: bully energy go away. It'll just redirect it to the
Speaker 9: rest of us, specifically me.
Speaker 2: All right.
Speaker 9: I used to live across from middle school Jordan. I
Speaker 9: basically couldn't go outside after three. I was walking home
Speaker 9: one day in shorts and a kid in a wheelchair
Speaker 9: yelled at me.
Speaker 2: Damn, I thought my legs duh.
Speaker 8: Okay, okay, fair, but you are an adult. You can
Speaker 8: handle a couple of accurate comments.
Speaker 2: But there have.
Speaker 8: Been conclusive studies that social media lowers kids self esteem.
Speaker 2: What about my self esteem?
Speaker 9: A child said I look like a pedophile merge with
Speaker 9: one of his victims and said that they love my
Speaker 9: performance of Fast Car at the Grammys.
Speaker 8: Oh yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, I.
Speaker 2: Guess I can see it.
Speaker 9: You want to know what else they said, because they
Speaker 9: have more of the chamber.
Speaker 8: I don't know what they said. Maybe nice suit to
Speaker 8: come in the car seats, or you're like if little
Speaker 8: Wade never wrapped, or I didn't know adults came in
Speaker 8: fund South get.
Speaker 2: Something like that. Okay, Jordan, damn you too. I'm sorry,
Speaker 2: it's just easy. Okay. So to be clear, you're saying
Speaker 2: you opposed this bell Yes.
Speaker 9: In fact, it should be mandatory for these kids to
Speaker 9: be on social media. Every child's face should be glued
Speaker 9: to a screen to protect me, I mean us when
Speaker 9: we walk home in Georg's.
Speaker 8: You can't argue with that, Josh Johnson.
Speaker 2: Everybody.
Speaker 17: Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by
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