Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here back for another episode as we of
Speaker 1: course break down the psychology.
Speaker 2: Of our twenties. You know, I truly believe that this
Speaker 2: decade is such a sacred time for every single one
Speaker 2: of us. There is something kind of magical about being
Speaker 2: this young and chaotic but also so focused on the future,
Speaker 2: gaining self awareness, wanting to get the most out of
Speaker 2: life's experiences, kind of grown up, kind of still young,
Speaker 2: still knowing you've kind of still excited. There is just
Speaker 2: so much to learn, so much to learn, especially about ourselves,
Speaker 2: and there's these huge life changing moments of growth and
Speaker 2: wonder and joy, and also these huge relationships. A big
Speaker 2: part of this whole experience of this decade. Something that
Speaker 2: really makes and breaks our years and our months as
Speaker 2: twenty something year olds is who we choose to date,
Speaker 2: who we fall for who we spend our time with,
Speaker 2: you know, romantically, whether that's in a committed sense or not,
Speaker 2: the people that we presume. I think that if you
Speaker 2: ask most of us in this decade, what is one
Speaker 2: of the things that you think the most about or
Speaker 2: which has the biggest impact on your experiences and your
Speaker 2: mood and so much else, it would be love, and
Speaker 2: it would be relationships, and it would be dating, and
Speaker 2: it's honestly such a formative part of these years. But
Speaker 2: not all relationships are meant to be, and they're not
Speaker 2: always beneficial to this like journey of discovery that we've
Speaker 2: got going on in our twenties, not always who we need.
Speaker 2: Sometimes being in love and having fun just isn't enough,
Speaker 2: especially when there are some pretty huge signs that this
Speaker 2: relationship might not be going anywhere, It might be costing
Speaker 2: you a lot more than you thought it would be.
Speaker 2: It might actually be jeopardizing some of the experiences that
Speaker 2: you have in this period of life, or jeopardizing part
Speaker 2: of your identity or your personhood in general. And I
Speaker 2: think one of the big regrets that a lot of
Speaker 2: people have, or something that we think that we're going
Speaker 2: to regret, we fear, is being in our late twenties
Speaker 2: early thirties and realizing that we ignored red flags in
Speaker 2: our relationship or we continue to pursue people who weren't
Speaker 2: good for us, and we really should have been alone,
Speaker 2: and we really should have been with somebody better. And
Speaker 2: that's what I want to talk about today. What are
Speaker 2: the red flags specifically for relationships in our twenties that
Speaker 2: we need to look out for. What are the warning
Speaker 2: signs that something is off in a relationationship or about
Speaker 2: a person. You know, I think we all understand what
Speaker 2: red flags are. They are essentially these things that should
Speaker 2: cause us to break things off with somebody. And there
Speaker 2: are a lot of red flags that are pretty universal.
Speaker 2: If they're jealous, if they treat you poorly, if they
Speaker 2: don't communicate or support you, if they love bomb you,
Speaker 2: if they're narcissistic. These are really true no matter where
Speaker 2: you are, your gender, and most specifically your age. But
Speaker 2: there are some red flags that I think are specifically
Speaker 2: valuable to be aware of during this decade. They're a
Speaker 2: bit more nuanced, They're a bit more specific to the
Speaker 2: life stage and the period that we're in and the
Speaker 2: experiences that we're having. And I think My biggest guiding
Speaker 2: philosophy that I had when thinking about these five big
Speaker 2: red flags was that the relationship with the right person
Speaker 2: during this decade can really elevate the experiences that you're
Speaker 2: having in your twenties, But with the wrong person you
Speaker 2: are much better experiencing everything by yourself or with your
Speaker 2: friends or accompanied by family, your platonic love. Then spending
Speaker 2: these years hoping somebody's going to change with the wrong
Speaker 2: person in the wrong relationship. There is I think a
Speaker 2: very fine line and an important line between wanting to
Speaker 2: experience love but then also knowing that you would benefit
Speaker 2: from being single. And that's what I want to talk
Speaker 2: about today. What are the red flags that we should
Speaker 2: look out for. What are the situations that we don't
Speaker 2: want to get stuck in. What are some of the
Speaker 2: things that we might realize will inevitably cost us so
Speaker 2: that we will inevitably regret about the relationships that we
Speaker 2: have in our twenties. We have so much to cover, So,
Speaker 2: without further ado, my lovely listeners, let's get into it.
Speaker 2: Let's start this off strong. If there was just one
Speaker 2: red flag on this list and none other, no other
Speaker 2: red flags, personally, this would be my number one as
Speaker 2: it relates to our twe so our number one red flag.
Speaker 2: If they hold you back from having experiences, especially the
Speaker 2: kind of experiences that create memories that are going to
Speaker 2: last longer than that relationship, that is not the right
Speaker 2: relationship for you. Listen, everyone is in a different stage.
Speaker 2: But if you have big dreams of moving overseas or
Speaker 2: traveling for three months, or starting your own business or
Speaker 2: solo hiking or whatever it is, please, please, please, please,
Speaker 2: don't give that up for a relationship. A good relationship
Speaker 2: should allow you to be all of those things and more.
Speaker 2: You should feel secure enough in that connection and in
Speaker 2: the stability of your partnership to be an independent person.
Speaker 2: Because you don't get this time back, you might not
Speaker 2: get this opportunity again. You may never be where you
Speaker 2: are now. You may never be prepared to seek out
Speaker 2: this adventure and take that risk. And if you wait
Speaker 2: for when your partner is ready, or you hold off
Speaker 2: because somebody you're dating doesn't want to go or doesn't
Speaker 2: want you to go, which is even worse, I'm telling
Speaker 2: you right now, you will regret that. And the reason
Speaker 2: that I know this is because there have been studies
Speaker 2: on this very thing. Saying no or not making a
Speaker 2: decision leads to so much more long term regret than
Speaker 2: saying yes, even if by saying yes you end up
Speaker 2: losing out on something else, because that experience, those memories
Speaker 2: will make up for what it is that you might lose.
Speaker 2: They will last so much longer, they will be such
Speaker 2: a source of joy, and they will just be at
Speaker 2: evidence that despite the barriers, despite everything telling you to
Speaker 2: stay with this person, to stay safe, to stay comfortable,
Speaker 2: you did it. Anyways, some of the most enduring regrets
Speaker 2: that people have at the end of their life, and
Speaker 2: which they tell people who do studies on this, they
Speaker 2: stem from actions not taken. And the right kind of
Speaker 2: love will accommodate your dreams. The worst kinds of love
Speaker 2: will restrict you, will want to keep you small. So
Speaker 2: when I first started dating my boyfriend, like three months in,
Speaker 2: I kind of sat him down and said, basically, if
Speaker 2: I wasn't dating you, I wouldn't be in Australia. I
Speaker 2: had these plans that in six months time, like at
Speaker 2: the end of the year, that I was going to
Speaker 2: move overseas, And I used to kind of always joke
Speaker 2: with people when we first met that it was like
Speaker 2: such terrible timing to meet somebody so wonderful to me,
Speaker 2: like the love of my life. Like part of me
Speaker 2: was like, oh my gosh, why didn't I meet him
Speaker 2: like a year earlier, when everything was still up in
Speaker 2: the air. Why you know, why did I meet him
Speaker 2: in two years time when I'd gone and done and
Speaker 2: done those things. And I did have a moment of
Speaker 2: being like, I don't want to give my dreams up
Speaker 2: for this guy who only three months ago was a stranger.
Speaker 2: And so I talked to him about it. I said,
Speaker 2: you know, I really want to live overseas and I
Speaker 2: really really like you. I don't know if I loved
Speaker 2: him at that point, but I was like, I really
Speaker 2: enjoy our relationship, but you know, this is kind of
Speaker 2: a deal break it for me. And you know what
Speaker 2: he said, He said, Okay, let's make a timeline. If
Speaker 2: this is an experience that you want to have to
Speaker 2: live overseas for a year or two, let's make it happen.
Speaker 2: And if you want to go now, let's make it work.
Speaker 2: And that was a huge green flag. It was like
Speaker 2: a respect for the fact that my life existed beyond
Speaker 2: our relationship, and he really appreciated my dreams, and he
Speaker 2: appreciated appreciated my dreams not just for my life, but
Speaker 2: for my twenties. You know, I'm somebody who thinks about
Speaker 2: their twenties a lot, and who thinks about getting the
Speaker 2: most out of this decade so much. And I think
Speaker 2: that I couldn't be with somebody who didn't appreciate what
Speaker 2: I wanted to experience in the life I wanted wanted
Speaker 2: to live. So if someone doesn't respect those things, if
Speaker 2: they hold you back, if they make you feel insecure
Speaker 2: about doing the things that you want to do, if
Speaker 2: they don't want you to do them without them, I
Speaker 2: just think that that shouldn't impede your decision making and
Speaker 2: that you should be free to be a person before
Speaker 2: you are a partner, to have a life before you
Speaker 2: have a relationship. So red flag number two, they are
Speaker 2: not the one if they are causing you intense emotional chaos.
Speaker 2: There is a really fine balance between someone who is
Speaker 2: exciting and exhilarating and someone who is going to absolutely
Speaker 2: destroy everything in your life your self esteem, your values,
Speaker 2: your self confidence, and that can take a long time
Speaker 2: to repair. So there was this study in twenty nineteen
Speaker 2: that examined this very thing. They examined romantic relationships in
Speaker 2: emerging adulthood and emerging adulthood is this period between eighteen
Speaker 2: and twenty nine. And what this research suggested was that
Speaker 2: romantic relationships during this period that are unpredictable, that are
Speaker 2: disruptive or distressing, they can actually cause significant changes in
Speaker 2: our mood, significant changes in our interest in life. They
Speaker 2: can reduce our positive emotions, and they can reduce our
Speaker 2: sense of stable self worth. And that impact doesn't disappear
Speaker 2: when we leave the relationship either. It can linger, sometimes
Speaker 2: for years. So let me explain by what I mean
Speaker 2: by intense emotional chaos, and if you relate to any
Speaker 2: of these things, see it as a red flag. So
Speaker 2: feeling good about the relationship one day and then terrible
Speaker 2: the next, without any explanation as to why, never knowing
Speaker 2: what to expect from the other person, your emotions are
Speaker 2: out of control when it comes to this person or
Speaker 2: your relationship, Crying over this person in your relationship sometimes
Speaker 2: without any given reason, Feeling nauseous or anxious about the future,
Speaker 2: not feeling like yourself if your friends notice that you've
Speaker 2: changed or you're less in touch with yourself, or your
Speaker 2: upset feeling the need to kind of completely explode your
Speaker 2: life because of them. That is the intense emotional chaos
Speaker 2: that I'm talking about. There are a few kinds of
Speaker 2: relationships that I think create this reaction for starters, you know,
Speaker 2: relationship with people who are just simply manipulative or breadcrumbing you,
Speaker 2: or who aren't right for you. And in our deepest
Speaker 2: of hearts, we know that that often elicits this reaction.
Speaker 2: But the biggest one, that is very so uniquely twenty
Speaker 2: something is situationships. These half baked pseudo relationships that leave
Speaker 2: you feeling uneasy and unsure of what actually to expect,
Speaker 2: unsure of what's actually going on, and very convoluted. Situationships
Speaker 2: by nature are chaotic because whilst you're in them, they
Speaker 2: neither have a future or an end, so they are
Speaker 2: constantly suspended in this emotional limbo. And I think whilst
Speaker 2: our natural instinct is to bond and attach to this person,
Speaker 2: because we are connecting with them, we are building memories
Speaker 2: with them, we are sharing time with them, the lack
Speaker 2: of a label or exclusivity creates this very logical and
Speaker 2: rational understanding that we shouldn't be doing that, but our
Speaker 2: emotional biological urge is doing so anyways. So basically what
Speaker 2: I'm saying is that you end up getting attached whether
Speaker 2: you want to or not. These situations can be so intense.
Speaker 2: I do really feel for anyone who was going through
Speaker 2: this at the moment. Back in like twenty twenty one,
Speaker 2: I was in this like six month relationship with this
Speaker 2: guy after the end of my first big long term relationship,
Speaker 2: and it was like a complete rollercoaster and it was
Speaker 2: a complete disaster, and throughout the experience it was a
Speaker 2: state of emotional chaos. I lost a big part of myself.
Speaker 2: I lost friends, and I lost my sense of self respect,
Speaker 2: and to be honest, I think I lost a bit
Speaker 2: of my healthy perspective on love, and it took a
Speaker 2: while to recover. It took a while to unlearn what
Speaker 2: I had implicitly learned about myself and about others because
Speaker 2: of that situation. Nowadays, I definitely value what I went
Speaker 2: through because it taught me things about myself that I
Speaker 2: never would have learned. But I would have preferred to
Speaker 2: learn them are in a different way rather than going
Speaker 2: through that. And the biggest red flag for me should
Speaker 2: have been the emotional chaos I was experiencing at the beginning,
Speaker 2: but because I was in such a self destructive place,
Speaker 2: and I'll be the first to admit it, the anxiety,
Speaker 2: the ups and downs, the jitters that you know, that
Speaker 2: was my intuition telling me to break it off. But
Speaker 2: those JITs, those experiences, this emotion, it felt fun and
Speaker 2: it felt exciting, and I didn't know how to identify
Speaker 2: what I was going through. Maybe it's a rite of passage.
Speaker 2: I don't know. Maybe a lot of people you have
Speaker 2: to have a relationship like this in your twenties. It
Speaker 2: seems like a lot of us have. But I also think,
Speaker 2: save the suffering, save the misery, save yourself the time
Speaker 2: and the inevitable explosion three months, six months later, and
Speaker 2: try and notice those feelings when they first occur. So
Speaker 2: red flag number three a little bit different from that
Speaker 2: last one. They don't celebrate you or encourage you. Now,
Speaker 2: this is problematic to me for quite a few reasons.
Speaker 2: Number one, quite frankly, you just deserve someone who thinks
Speaker 2: you are incredible. And I think that being celebratory and
Speaker 2: encouraging somebody is just part of being a good partner.
Speaker 2: So it kind of shows that they aren't that. And
Speaker 2: number two, it is part of a healthy partnership and
Speaker 2: it shows their commitment to your growth, which is also
Speaker 2: a great green flag. Number three, if they aren't celebrating
Speaker 2: you now, don't expect that to change in the future.
Speaker 2: So I always say, how the relationship begins, it's how
Speaker 2: it ends. If it has begun with a complete deficit
Speaker 2: in them feeling proud of you or them wanting to
Speaker 2: express happiness for you, that's not going to change. And
Speaker 2: number four, which is similar to number two, actually comes
Speaker 2: down to a theory known as the Michelangelo theory, which
Speaker 2: states that our close partners sculpt us into hopefully becoming
Speaker 2: the best versions of ourselves by implicitly promoting and encouraging
Speaker 2: our best traits and inhibiting the things that hold us back.
Speaker 2: The reason that it's called the Michelangelo phenomena is after
Speaker 2: the artist and the sculptor who would make these beautiful
Speaker 2: creations from marble. And that is what a good partner
Speaker 2: can do to you. It's not that they are like
Speaker 2: intentionally chipping away and trying to make you a better
Speaker 2: person or make you into the version of you that
Speaker 2: they like. It's more that the right person encourages the
Speaker 2: things that you really like about yourself and helps you
Speaker 2: become the version of you that you have chosen to become,
Speaker 2: or who is within you. One way that they do
Speaker 2: that is through encouragement and celebration, which, as the theory
Speaker 2: would suggest, pushes us towards our ideal selves. We obviously
Speaker 2: care about our partner's opinions, and we trust what they
Speaker 2: say and what they think. And if they are the
Speaker 2: ones who are like, yeah, that was a really great
Speaker 2: job that you went to the gym today, we feel
Speaker 2: really great when they say that they encourage us to
Speaker 2: go back to school, or if they encourage us to
Speaker 2: pursue our dreams, that is quite motivating. And if your
Speaker 2: partner is not doing that, especially now, especially in your twenties,
Speaker 2: I think that that is something that isn't going to change,
Speaker 2: and perhaps it's preventing you from living up to your potential.
Speaker 2: You know. Also, I just think that naturally, if you
Speaker 2: love somebody, if you care about them, you want you
Speaker 2: do care about their future, and you do care about
Speaker 2: their goals and their pursuits, and you do want them
Speaker 2: to improve the way that they see fit. I think
Speaker 2: we often think about our goals and our dreams is
Speaker 2: quite a solitary affair, especially during this decade when we're
Speaker 2: just getting started. You know, it all comes down to
Speaker 2: our discipline and our commitment, and our intelligence and our
Speaker 2: creativity and the hours that we are putting into something.
Speaker 2: But this theory really suggests that the opposite is true,
Speaker 2: that actually it does take a village, and it's the
Speaker 2: people closest to us who have the biggest influence on
Speaker 2: whether we succeed in our dreams or whether we don't.
Speaker 2: There's also additional research that shows that having an equally
Speaker 2: motivated partner who encourages you and celebrates you, but also
Speaker 2: is equally productive and equally pursuing a sense of satisfaction
Speaker 2: and fulfillment in their lives will help you be a
Speaker 2: better person. It's called social contagion. That's what we call
Speaker 2: it in psychology. You've probably heard the quote, you know
Speaker 2: you are the product of the five piece people closest
Speaker 2: to you, and that's what this idea of social contagion reflects.
Speaker 2: Your partner is definitely one of those five right, And
Speaker 2: the older we get, the further we get into our
Speaker 2: twenties and even our thirties, and our forties, they normally
Speaker 2: become the number one. So if they aren't in your corner,
Speaker 2: if you have a big when at work and they
Speaker 2: brush past it, if you like set a pr at
Speaker 2: the gym and it's not something that they care about
Speaker 2: or they're even interested in, sometimes their disinterests can actually
Speaker 2: work as a form of negative reinforcement, and it can
Speaker 2: discourage you from continuing to pursue your goals. You know,
Speaker 2: the opposite of the Michelangelo phenomenon is actually the blueberry phenomena.
Speaker 2: And what the blueberry theory basically says is that interdependent
Speaker 2: people bring out the worst in each other because when
Speaker 2: one person is doing poorly or failing or struggling, they
Speaker 2: bring the other person down with them. You know. It's
Speaker 2: kind of where the name comes from, is having like
Speaker 2: a punnet of blueberries or strawberries, And if you've ever
Speaker 2: had like one blueberry go bad and the punnet like
Speaker 2: quickly the whole the rest of the blueberries become rotten.
Speaker 2: And that is what the theory is saying. Is basically like,
Speaker 2: if you are with a partner who does not encourage
Speaker 2: you or celebrate you, or who does not want you
Speaker 2: to succeed, it's not that they're rotten, but you know
Speaker 2: their values are contagious and might end up spoiling your
Speaker 2: own goals. And I know it's very easy to see
Speaker 2: dating in our twenties is maybe lower stake, especially early
Speaker 2: in our twenties, because we have a lot of time
Speaker 2: to find the one and to explore and to get
Speaker 2: your heart broken and whatever whatever that may be. But
Speaker 2: really don't compromise on this one factor. If you're going
Speaker 2: to be in a long term, committed relationship with somebody,
Speaker 2: maybe you won't, But if you're going to, they better
Speaker 2: think that you are fantastic and they better be in
Speaker 2: your corner for everything that you do, especially especially during
Speaker 2: such a formative decade for your identity and in which
Speaker 2: we are growing our own self worth. We want to
Speaker 2: build the skills and the community to succeed in whatever
Speaker 2: it is we're doing. So quick recap of our red
Speaker 2: flags so far. Number one, if they hold you back
Speaker 2: from having important experiences, red flag. If they're creating emotional chaos,
Speaker 2: red flag. And finally, if they don't celebrate or encourage
Speaker 2: you huge red flag. We have two final points to
Speaker 2: talk about today, the red flags for the relationships that
Speaker 2: we haven' twenties, and we're going to return to those
Speaker 2: plus a few maybe bonus signs bonus flags after this
Speaker 2: short break. However, you want to think about your twenties,
Speaker 2: whether this is a time to get serious about your
Speaker 2: future or a time for freedom and the ability to
Speaker 2: make mistakes and chase emotional highs and maybe lows. I
Speaker 2: think that something we can all agree is that they
Speaker 2: are not to be rushed, and that taking time to
Speaker 2: know yourself and to know somebody else when you're dating
Speaker 2: and in a relationship before making huge decisions about your
Speaker 2: future is really important. I don't think that's a controversial
Speaker 2: thing to say. So my fourth red flag for this
Speaker 2: episode if the other person wants an all or nothing
Speaker 2: relationship and wants it right away, or just wants a
Speaker 2: relationship for the sake of a relationship, so as pushing
Speaker 2: timeline red flag get out. Sometimes I think people like
Speaker 2: the idea of love more than the person that they
Speaker 2: think they are in love or with. To them, a
Speaker 2: relationship is like a checkbox, right, something that needs to
Speaker 2: be achieved in order to feel good about ourselves and
Speaker 2: to move on to the next life chapter or the
Speaker 2: next life stage. It just feels secure to be on
Speaker 2: a relationship and to be like okay, yep, got that
Speaker 2: all tied down. These are, unfortunately the people to avoid,
Speaker 2: those who see their relationship with you as no more
Speaker 2: than a commitment to maybe what the world expects of them,
Speaker 2: what they think they should be doing in their twenties,
Speaker 2: where the world expects them to be by a certain age,
Speaker 2: you know, in love, living together, cut dog, home ownership,
Speaker 2: all by the age of thirty, and so they rush it.
Speaker 2: They rush it without respecting the need to get to
Speaker 2: know each other or the value of a slow burn
Speaker 2: or a slowmance. For some people, that is the path
Speaker 2: that they choose to take. So I don't necessarily think
Speaker 2: this is a red flag if you're on the same
Speaker 2: page about the pace of your relationship, right, like, if
Speaker 2: you're both in mutual agreement of like, yes, we are
Speaker 2: in love and obsessed with each other and like let's
Speaker 2: move in. You know, I can't say if that's a
Speaker 2: mistake or not, because it's up to you. And if
Speaker 2: you're both feeling that way, that's great. But I think
Speaker 2: you need to let that happen organically and when it
Speaker 2: feels right, rather than feel like you're being rushed into
Speaker 2: something rather than feeling like the commitment is happening faster
Speaker 2: than the getting to no usage. So if this person
Speaker 2: is coming into the relationship wanting everything all at once,
Speaker 2: I think there is probably some deeper psychological or subconscious
Speaker 2: motivation that is happening there, and maybe they don't even
Speaker 2: know it yet. Maybe it does have to do with
Speaker 2: their attachment style, maybe it does have to do with
Speaker 2: past relationship hurt or trauma, but it definitely needs further exploring.
Speaker 2: Here's why I think that this is a warning sign
Speaker 2: in my eyes, Why it qualifies as a red flag. Firstly,
Speaker 2: it comes off as being very similar to love bombing.
Speaker 2: Love bombing if you have listen to the episode that
Speaker 2: we did on this a little while back, it basically
Speaker 2: involves huge grand gestures and over the top displays of
Speaker 2: love and affection as an artificial way to speed up
Speaker 2: the relationship timeline and to really hook line and sinker you,
Speaker 2: to really get you attached, you know, saying that they
Speaker 2: love you after date too, moving in after date four,
Speaker 2: that kind of thing, And sometimes that promise of exclusivity
Speaker 2: and commitment can be really nice if you've been let
Speaker 2: down by a few duds or people who never give
Speaker 2: you what you want. But it can also be an
Speaker 2: indication of someone who is just addicted to the intensity
Speaker 2: of a relationship in those early days, or who is
Speaker 2: trying to manipulate and control the situation, or who is
Speaker 2: actually quite emotionally immature, has an anxious attachment style, so
Speaker 2: they're trying to lock you down asap. It's just something
Speaker 2: to be aware of. When we are in these situations,
Speaker 2: we sometimes lose who we are. It can become very controlling,
Speaker 2: it can disconnect you, and I think it doesn't leave
Speaker 2: much space for you to actually think through what you
Speaker 2: might want, not just from a relationship in your twenties,
Speaker 2: but what you might want from your future. So the
Speaker 2: other red flag or the other worry that this red
Speaker 2: flag alerts me to, is this kind of relationship that
Speaker 2: really burns way too bright. And the relationships that burn
Speaker 2: very bright burn very quickly, and we get very wrapped
Speaker 2: up in the promise and the extremes, and that can
Speaker 2: come crashing down. And I think if you have built
Speaker 2: everything around being with this person, if everything has just
Speaker 2: happened so quickly, it can be incredibly disruptive and shocking
Speaker 2: when suddenly that is over, So it's okay to just
Speaker 2: pause and slow down. You know, if they are the one,
Speaker 2: you will spend the rest of your life together. You know,
Speaker 2: if they are the one to worry about rushing it,
Speaker 2: the future is always going to be there. But if
Speaker 2: they cannot take over for an answer, if they cannot
Speaker 2: respect your timeline, I would say, get out. You know,
Speaker 2: I get it. In our thirties or our forties, when
Speaker 2: some of those milestones have a bit more of a
Speaker 2: crunch period, maybe we are better able to understand what
Speaker 2: we want. I get maybe the timeline's being a bit
Speaker 2: more accelerated, But not in our twenties, Not in our twenties. Okay,
Speaker 2: our final A red flag for today number five? You
Speaker 2: just feel like different people, and from the beginning you
Speaker 2: want them to change something fundamental or crucial about themselves. Now,
Speaker 2: this isn't a red flag in that it doesn't necessarily
Speaker 2: indicate that the other person is going to I don't know,
Speaker 2: ruin your life. It's more of an orange flag that
Speaker 2: this relationship and this person isn't right for you and
Speaker 2: ignoring that for too long, investing more and more time
Speaker 2: and energy into trying to make it work, into quote
Speaker 2: unquote fixing all these huge gaps and your personalities and
Speaker 2: your interests and your values is eventually going to lead
Speaker 2: you nowhere, and it may even lead to some regrets.
Speaker 2: Think about it in this way, you wouldn't want to
Speaker 2: be with somebody who had this small seed in the
Speaker 2: back of their heads at all time that they wanted
Speaker 2: to alter something about you. So I do think that
Speaker 2: it's a bit unfair to It's unfair to everybody to
Speaker 2: pursue a relationship with somebody who is always going to
Speaker 2: create friction. There's always going to be a friction between
Speaker 2: what you expect from them and what they're actually able
Speaker 2: to give. Obviously, I think different is good. Different is
Speaker 2: new perspectives, Different is new places, new beliefs, new opinions,
Speaker 2: new memories. And you know, if both of you want
Speaker 2: to keep it casual and you want to learn from
Speaker 2: each other, go for it. But when it comes to
Speaker 2: a serious relationship, like and I'm all in for you,
Speaker 2: You're all in for me kind of relationship, if there
Speaker 2: is a fundamental difference that feels like this bruise, a
Speaker 2: bruise on your partnership, a bruise on your connection that
Speaker 2: never goes away and that you keep you know, pushing
Speaker 2: and prodding, and it keeps stinging and flaring up and
Speaker 2: you just can never resolve it. Maybe they are not
Speaker 2: the one, and maybe you are better off being single
Speaker 2: for a little bit. I know that might be something
Speaker 2: that's hard to hear in those situations when you are
Speaker 2: unsure and perhaps ignoring a real emotional and deeper psychological
Speaker 2: signal or clue from within that you need to move on.
Speaker 2: I do have a very deep belief if you can't
Speaker 2: already tell that we are better off alone ninety nine
Speaker 2: percent of the time during our twenties, with ninety nine
Speaker 2: percent of the people that we come across. If we
Speaker 2: are given the option to stay single or to be
Speaker 2: in a relationship, you should stay single because anything a
Speaker 2: relationship can give you, you can give those yourself, those
Speaker 2: same things plus even greater realizations and an even greater
Speaker 2: dedication to your growth and to your identity and to
Speaker 2: your friends and to your goals. So the only person
Speaker 2: that I think worth not so much in losing, but
Speaker 2: the only person worth switching from single to being in
Speaker 2: a relationship and perhaps losing out on some of those things.
Speaker 2: The only person that it's worth doing that for is
Speaker 2: somebody who is pretty dang good and somebody who you
Speaker 2: are not one hundred percent sure of, because I don't
Speaker 2: think you can never be one hundred percent sure, but
Speaker 2: who you are like, really fascinated by and who was
Speaker 2: obviously providing you with a really safe and comfortable foundation
Speaker 2: to grow, and who you aren't spending time being wanting
Speaker 2: to change. You know, who aren't just in a relationship
Speaker 2: with for the sake of being in a relationship if
Speaker 2: you were two to three six months in and you
Speaker 2: were waiting for them to shift or change. I just
Speaker 2: don't think that will ever happen. And there was a
Speaker 2: study done by Business Insider last year which said, of
Speaker 2: all the reasons people break up that don't have to
Speaker 2: do with ghastly things like cheating or bad behaviors, the
Speaker 2: number one culprit is that they ignored the incompatibilities early on.
Speaker 2: You want kids, they never wanted them. You were a workaholic,
Speaker 2: they wanted a slower life. You know, she was really
Speaker 2: into drinking and partying, and that just wasn't who you were.
Speaker 2: It's an incompatibility that is the orange flag. You know,
Speaker 2: two truly nice, lovely people can be in a relationship
Speaker 2: together and it could just not work out because they
Speaker 2: don't mesh in what they need from each other, and
Speaker 2: they're kind of playing a tug of war. Are you
Speaker 2: going to change? Or am I who's going to shift here?
Speaker 2: That's what I'm a really amazing doctor. Doctor Susan South
Speaker 2: from Podu University, she had to say about that. She
Speaker 2: called it a tug of war, a tug of war
Speaker 2: between two people who want to be themselves in a
Speaker 2: relationship but perhaps acknowledge that they might have to give
Speaker 2: up something they really care about to be with this
Speaker 2: person and questioning whether that's worth it. I don't think
Speaker 2: that it is. Relationships take up so much time and
Speaker 2: they're an investment. So please, please do not think this
Speaker 2: valuable energy and space that you have in your life
Speaker 2: right now to something that doesn't feel right, especially during
Speaker 2: this period in our lives, when there are so many
Speaker 2: situations and events and emotion, even the hard ones that
Speaker 2: we would get the privilege to experience solo and that
Speaker 2: we could really grow through. So I want to include
Speaker 2: some final lightning round red flags that are perhaps a
Speaker 2: bit more obvious for relationships in our twenties. Obviously, there
Speaker 2: are some that are crucial no matter what I think
Speaker 2: I said them before, but just to clear it up,
Speaker 2: you know, narcissism, abusive behavior, lying, all those things that
Speaker 2: we would typically think of, they are for every decade,
Speaker 2: but in our twenties, I think a lack of personal
Speaker 2: boundaries and not wanting to spend time apart that is
Speaker 2: a huge red flag. Make sure that you get the
Speaker 2: chance to be a free bird. Sometimes you know, you
Speaker 2: don't get these years back. I think it's very similar
Speaker 2: to the first red flag. You still want to be yourself,
Speaker 2: you still want to have things that are separate from them.
Speaker 2: I think it's really valuable. If they are extremely jealous
Speaker 2: and possessive, that is gross at any age. Get out.
Speaker 2: If they are financially irresponsible and they go on to
Speaker 2: lie about it or they want your help, run for
Speaker 2: the hills, run for the hills.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Sometimes people just aren't the best with money. Perhaps they
Speaker 2: didn't have the greatest financial literacy. That is not the
Speaker 2: same as being financially irresponsible and being completely what's the
Speaker 2: word just completely dangerous about it or completely destructive about
Speaker 2: it and getting somebody that you care about involved, you know,
Speaker 2: I think they can recognize that there's a problem and
Speaker 2: hopefully fix it. And I think the final thing to
Speaker 2: just remember is are you on the same page about
Speaker 2: what you actually want? It doesn't matter how you choose
Speaker 2: to date in your twenties, whether you like casual dating,
Speaker 2: whether you like committed dating, whether you like polyamory, whether
Speaker 2: you like just sex, it doesn't matter. It's all up
Speaker 2: to you. But just remember respect, communication, honesty, and insincerity,
Speaker 2: but also that the other person is gentle and is
Speaker 2: just kind. That is a must, That is an absolute must.
Speaker 2: So thank you so much for listening to today's episode.
Speaker 2: As we run through some of the red flags. There
Speaker 2: may not have been some that you would think should
Speaker 2: make this list. Maybe I didn't include some that you
Speaker 2: thought were quite obvious. So if you have some additional contributions,
Speaker 2: please feel free to DM me at that Psychology podcast
Speaker 2: and I'll share them on my Instagram because I feel
Speaker 2: like the more the merrier. If there is something that
Speaker 2: you have learned from your experience dating in your twenties,
Speaker 2: whether that was committed or uncommitted, I would love to
Speaker 2: hear from you and make sure that you are following
Speaker 2: along wherever you are listening right now, Spotify, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 2: wherever it is. Make sure you never miss another episode.
Speaker 2: And if you did enjoy this episode, feel free to
Speaker 2: share it with a friend or leave a five star review.
Speaker 2: And as always, until next time, stay safe, be kind,
Speaker 2: and of course be gentle with yourself and look out
Speaker 2: for these red flags for your own sake, and we
Speaker 2: will talk soon.