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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here back for another episode as we of

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Speaker 1: course break down the psychology.

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Speaker 2: Of our twenties. You know, I truly believe that this

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Speaker 2: decade is such a sacred time for every single one

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Speaker 2: of us. There is something kind of magical about being

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Speaker 2: this young and chaotic but also so focused on the future,

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Speaker 2: gaining self awareness, wanting to get the most out of

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Speaker 2: life's experiences, kind of grown up, kind of still young,

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Speaker 2: still knowing you've kind of still excited. There is just

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Speaker 2: so much to learn, so much to learn, especially about ourselves,

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Speaker 2: and there's these huge life changing moments of growth and

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Speaker 2: wonder and joy, and also these huge relationships. A big

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Speaker 2: part of this whole experience of this decade. Something that

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Speaker 2: really makes and breaks our years and our months as

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Speaker 2: twenty something year olds is who we choose to date,

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Speaker 2: who we fall for who we spend our time with,

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Speaker 2: you know, romantically, whether that's in a committed sense or not,

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Speaker 2: the people that we presume. I think that if you

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Speaker 2: ask most of us in this decade, what is one

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Speaker 2: of the things that you think the most about or

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Speaker 2: which has the biggest impact on your experiences and your

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Speaker 2: mood and so much else, it would be love, and

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Speaker 2: it would be relationships, and it would be dating, and

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Speaker 2: it's honestly such a formative part of these years. But

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Speaker 2: not all relationships are meant to be, and they're not

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Speaker 2: always beneficial to this like journey of discovery that we've

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Speaker 2: got going on in our twenties, not always who we need.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes being in love and having fun just isn't enough,

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Speaker 2: especially when there are some pretty huge signs that this

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Speaker 2: relationship might not be going anywhere, It might be costing

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Speaker 2: you a lot more than you thought it would be.

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Speaker 2: It might actually be jeopardizing some of the experiences that

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Speaker 2: you have in this period of life, or jeopardizing part

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Speaker 2: of your identity or your personhood in general. And I

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Speaker 2: think one of the big regrets that a lot of

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Speaker 2: people have, or something that we think that we're going

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Speaker 2: to regret, we fear, is being in our late twenties

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Speaker 2: early thirties and realizing that we ignored red flags in

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Speaker 2: our relationship or we continue to pursue people who weren't

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Speaker 2: good for us, and we really should have been alone,

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Speaker 2: and we really should have been with somebody better. And

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Speaker 2: that's what I want to talk about today. What are

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Speaker 2: the red flags specifically for relationships in our twenties that

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Speaker 2: we need to look out for. What are the warning

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Speaker 2: signs that something is off in a relationationship or about

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Speaker 2: a person. You know, I think we all understand what

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Speaker 2: red flags are. They are essentially these things that should

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Speaker 2: cause us to break things off with somebody. And there

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Speaker 2: are a lot of red flags that are pretty universal.

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Speaker 2: If they're jealous, if they treat you poorly, if they

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Speaker 2: don't communicate or support you, if they love bomb you,

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Speaker 2: if they're narcissistic. These are really true no matter where

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Speaker 2: you are, your gender, and most specifically your age. But

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Speaker 2: there are some red flags that I think are specifically

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Speaker 2: valuable to be aware of during this decade. They're a

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Speaker 2: bit more nuanced, They're a bit more specific to the

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Speaker 2: life stage and the period that we're in and the

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Speaker 2: experiences that we're having. And I think My biggest guiding

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Speaker 2: philosophy that I had when thinking about these five big

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Speaker 2: red flags was that the relationship with the right person

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Speaker 2: during this decade can really elevate the experiences that you're

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Speaker 2: having in your twenties, But with the wrong person you

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Speaker 2: are much better experiencing everything by yourself or with your

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Speaker 2: friends or accompanied by family, your platonic love. Then spending

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Speaker 2: these years hoping somebody's going to change with the wrong

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Speaker 2: person in the wrong relationship. There is I think a

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Speaker 2: very fine line and an important line between wanting to

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Speaker 2: experience love but then also knowing that you would benefit

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Speaker 2: from being single. And that's what I want to talk

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Speaker 2: about today. What are the red flags that we should

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Speaker 2: look out for. What are the situations that we don't

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Speaker 2: want to get stuck in. What are some of the

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Speaker 2: things that we might realize will inevitably cost us so

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Speaker 2: that we will inevitably regret about the relationships that we

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Speaker 2: have in our twenties. We have so much to cover, So,

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Speaker 2: without further ado, my lovely listeners, let's get into it.

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Speaker 2: Let's start this off strong. If there was just one

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Speaker 2: red flag on this list and none other, no other

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Speaker 2: red flags, personally, this would be my number one as

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Speaker 2: it relates to our twe so our number one red flag.

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Speaker 2: If they hold you back from having experiences, especially the

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Speaker 2: kind of experiences that create memories that are going to

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Speaker 2: last longer than that relationship, that is not the right

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Speaker 2: relationship for you. Listen, everyone is in a different stage.

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Speaker 2: But if you have big dreams of moving overseas or

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Speaker 2: traveling for three months, or starting your own business or

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Speaker 2: solo hiking or whatever it is, please, please, please, please,

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Speaker 2: don't give that up for a relationship. A good relationship

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Speaker 2: should allow you to be all of those things and more.

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Speaker 2: You should feel secure enough in that connection and in

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Speaker 2: the stability of your partnership to be an independent person.

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Speaker 2: Because you don't get this time back, you might not

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Speaker 2: get this opportunity again. You may never be where you

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Speaker 2: are now. You may never be prepared to seek out

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Speaker 2: this adventure and take that risk. And if you wait

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Speaker 2: for when your partner is ready, or you hold off

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Speaker 2: because somebody you're dating doesn't want to go or doesn't

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Speaker 2: want you to go, which is even worse, I'm telling

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Speaker 2: you right now, you will regret that. And the reason

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Speaker 2: that I know this is because there have been studies

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Speaker 2: on this very thing. Saying no or not making a

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Speaker 2: decision leads to so much more long term regret than

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Speaker 2: saying yes, even if by saying yes you end up

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Speaker 2: losing out on something else, because that experience, those memories

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Speaker 2: will make up for what it is that you might lose.

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Speaker 2: They will last so much longer, they will be such

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Speaker 2: a source of joy, and they will just be at

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Speaker 2: evidence that despite the barriers, despite everything telling you to

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Speaker 2: stay with this person, to stay safe, to stay comfortable,

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Speaker 2: you did it. Anyways, some of the most enduring regrets

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Speaker 2: that people have at the end of their life, and

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Speaker 2: which they tell people who do studies on this, they

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Speaker 2: stem from actions not taken. And the right kind of

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Speaker 2: love will accommodate your dreams. The worst kinds of love

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Speaker 2: will restrict you, will want to keep you small. So

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Speaker 2: when I first started dating my boyfriend, like three months in,

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Speaker 2: I kind of sat him down and said, basically, if

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Speaker 2: I wasn't dating you, I wouldn't be in Australia. I

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Speaker 2: had these plans that in six months time, like at

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Speaker 2: the end of the year, that I was going to

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Speaker 2: move overseas, And I used to kind of always joke

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Speaker 2: with people when we first met that it was like

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Speaker 2: such terrible timing to meet somebody so wonderful to me,

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Speaker 2: like the love of my life. Like part of me

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Speaker 2: was like, oh my gosh, why didn't I meet him

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Speaker 2: like a year earlier, when everything was still up in

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Speaker 2: the air. Why you know, why did I meet him

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Speaker 2: in two years time when I'd gone and done and

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Speaker 2: done those things. And I did have a moment of

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Speaker 2: being like, I don't want to give my dreams up

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Speaker 2: for this guy who only three months ago was a stranger.

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Speaker 2: And so I talked to him about it. I said,

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Speaker 2: you know, I really want to live overseas and I

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Speaker 2: really really like you. I don't know if I loved

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Speaker 2: him at that point, but I was like, I really

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Speaker 2: enjoy our relationship, but you know, this is kind of

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Speaker 2: a deal break it for me. And you know what

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Speaker 2: he said, He said, Okay, let's make a timeline. If

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Speaker 2: this is an experience that you want to have to

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Speaker 2: live overseas for a year or two, let's make it happen.

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Speaker 2: And if you want to go now, let's make it work.

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Speaker 2: And that was a huge green flag. It was like

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Speaker 2: a respect for the fact that my life existed beyond

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Speaker 2: our relationship, and he really appreciated my dreams, and he

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Speaker 2: appreciated appreciated my dreams not just for my life, but

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Speaker 2: for my twenties. You know, I'm somebody who thinks about

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Speaker 2: their twenties a lot, and who thinks about getting the

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Speaker 2: most out of this decade so much. And I think

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Speaker 2: that I couldn't be with somebody who didn't appreciate what

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Speaker 2: I wanted to experience in the life I wanted wanted

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Speaker 2: to live. So if someone doesn't respect those things, if

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Speaker 2: they hold you back, if they make you feel insecure

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Speaker 2: about doing the things that you want to do, if

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Speaker 2: they don't want you to do them without them, I

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Speaker 2: just think that that shouldn't impede your decision making and

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Speaker 2: that you should be free to be a person before

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Speaker 2: you are a partner, to have a life before you

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Speaker 2: have a relationship. So red flag number two, they are

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Speaker 2: not the one if they are causing you intense emotional chaos.

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Speaker 2: There is a really fine balance between someone who is

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Speaker 2: exciting and exhilarating and someone who is going to absolutely

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Speaker 2: destroy everything in your life your self esteem, your values,

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Speaker 2: your self confidence, and that can take a long time

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Speaker 2: to repair. So there was this study in twenty nineteen

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Speaker 2: that examined this very thing. They examined romantic relationships in

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Speaker 2: emerging adulthood and emerging adulthood is this period between eighteen

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Speaker 2: and twenty nine. And what this research suggested was that

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Speaker 2: romantic relationships during this period that are unpredictable, that are

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Speaker 2: disruptive or distressing, they can actually cause significant changes in

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Speaker 2: our mood, significant changes in our interest in life. They

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Speaker 2: can reduce our positive emotions, and they can reduce our

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Speaker 2: sense of stable self worth. And that impact doesn't disappear

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Speaker 2: when we leave the relationship either. It can linger, sometimes

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Speaker 2: for years. So let me explain by what I mean

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Speaker 2: by intense emotional chaos, and if you relate to any

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Speaker 2: of these things, see it as a red flag. So

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Speaker 2: feeling good about the relationship one day and then terrible

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Speaker 2: the next, without any explanation as to why, never knowing

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Speaker 2: what to expect from the other person, your emotions are

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Speaker 2: out of control when it comes to this person or

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Speaker 2: your relationship, Crying over this person in your relationship sometimes

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Speaker 2: without any given reason, Feeling nauseous or anxious about the future,

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Speaker 2: not feeling like yourself if your friends notice that you've

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Speaker 2: changed or you're less in touch with yourself, or your

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Speaker 2: upset feeling the need to kind of completely explode your

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Speaker 2: life because of them. That is the intense emotional chaos

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Speaker 2: that I'm talking about. There are a few kinds of

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Speaker 2: relationships that I think create this reaction for starters, you know,

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Speaker 2: relationship with people who are just simply manipulative or breadcrumbing you,

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Speaker 2: or who aren't right for you. And in our deepest

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Speaker 2: of hearts, we know that that often elicits this reaction.

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Speaker 2: But the biggest one, that is very so uniquely twenty

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Speaker 2: something is situationships. These half baked pseudo relationships that leave

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Speaker 2: you feeling uneasy and unsure of what actually to expect,

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Speaker 2: unsure of what's actually going on, and very convoluted. Situationships

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Speaker 2: by nature are chaotic because whilst you're in them, they

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Speaker 2: neither have a future or an end, so they are

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Speaker 2: constantly suspended in this emotional limbo. And I think whilst

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Speaker 2: our natural instinct is to bond and attach to this person,

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Speaker 2: because we are connecting with them, we are building memories

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Speaker 2: with them, we are sharing time with them, the lack

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Speaker 2: of a label or exclusivity creates this very logical and

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Speaker 2: rational understanding that we shouldn't be doing that, but our

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Speaker 2: emotional biological urge is doing so anyways. So basically what

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Speaker 2: I'm saying is that you end up getting attached whether

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Speaker 2: you want to or not. These situations can be so intense.

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Speaker 2: I do really feel for anyone who was going through

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Speaker 2: this at the moment. Back in like twenty twenty one,

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Speaker 2: I was in this like six month relationship with this

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Speaker 2: guy after the end of my first big long term relationship,

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Speaker 2: and it was like a complete rollercoaster and it was

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Speaker 2: a complete disaster, and throughout the experience it was a

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Speaker 2: state of emotional chaos. I lost a big part of myself.

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Speaker 2: I lost friends, and I lost my sense of self respect,

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Speaker 2: and to be honest, I think I lost a bit

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Speaker 2: of my healthy perspective on love, and it took a

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Speaker 2: while to recover. It took a while to unlearn what

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Speaker 2: I had implicitly learned about myself and about others because

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Speaker 2: of that situation. Nowadays, I definitely value what I went

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Speaker 2: through because it taught me things about myself that I

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Speaker 2: never would have learned. But I would have preferred to

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Speaker 2: learn them are in a different way rather than going

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Speaker 2: through that. And the biggest red flag for me should

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Speaker 2: have been the emotional chaos I was experiencing at the beginning,

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Speaker 2: but because I was in such a self destructive place,

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Speaker 2: and I'll be the first to admit it, the anxiety,

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Speaker 2: the ups and downs, the jitters that you know, that

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Speaker 2: was my intuition telling me to break it off. But

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Speaker 2: those JITs, those experiences, this emotion, it felt fun and

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Speaker 2: it felt exciting, and I didn't know how to identify

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Speaker 2: what I was going through. Maybe it's a rite of passage.

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Speaker 2: I don't know. Maybe a lot of people you have

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Speaker 2: to have a relationship like this in your twenties. It

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Speaker 2: seems like a lot of us have. But I also think,

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Speaker 2: save the suffering, save the misery, save yourself the time

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Speaker 2: and the inevitable explosion three months, six months later, and

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Speaker 2: try and notice those feelings when they first occur. So

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Speaker 2: red flag number three a little bit different from that

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Speaker 2: last one. They don't celebrate you or encourage you. Now,

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Speaker 2: this is problematic to me for quite a few reasons.

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Speaker 2: Number one, quite frankly, you just deserve someone who thinks

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Speaker 2: you are incredible. And I think that being celebratory and

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Speaker 2: encouraging somebody is just part of being a good partner.

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Speaker 2: So it kind of shows that they aren't that. And

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Speaker 2: number two, it is part of a healthy partnership and

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Speaker 2: it shows their commitment to your growth, which is also

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Speaker 2: a great green flag. Number three, if they aren't celebrating

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Speaker 2: you now, don't expect that to change in the future.

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Speaker 2: So I always say, how the relationship begins, it's how

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Speaker 2: it ends. If it has begun with a complete deficit

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Speaker 2: in them feeling proud of you or them wanting to

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Speaker 2: express happiness for you, that's not going to change. And

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Speaker 2: number four, which is similar to number two, actually comes

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Speaker 2: down to a theory known as the Michelangelo theory, which

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Speaker 2: states that our close partners sculpt us into hopefully becoming

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Speaker 2: the best versions of ourselves by implicitly promoting and encouraging

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Speaker 2: our best traits and inhibiting the things that hold us back.

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Speaker 2: The reason that it's called the Michelangelo phenomena is after

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Speaker 2: the artist and the sculptor who would make these beautiful

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Speaker 2: creations from marble. And that is what a good partner

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Speaker 2: can do to you. It's not that they are like

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Speaker 2: intentionally chipping away and trying to make you a better

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Speaker 2: person or make you into the version of you that

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Speaker 2: they like. It's more that the right person encourages the

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Speaker 2: things that you really like about yourself and helps you

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Speaker 2: become the version of you that you have chosen to become,

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Speaker 2: or who is within you. One way that they do

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Speaker 2: that is through encouragement and celebration, which, as the theory

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Speaker 2: would suggest, pushes us towards our ideal selves. We obviously

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Speaker 2: care about our partner's opinions, and we trust what they

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Speaker 2: say and what they think. And if they are the

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Speaker 2: ones who are like, yeah, that was a really great

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Speaker 2: job that you went to the gym today, we feel

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Speaker 2: really great when they say that they encourage us to

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Speaker 2: go back to school, or if they encourage us to

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Speaker 2: pursue our dreams, that is quite motivating. And if your

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Speaker 2: partner is not doing that, especially now, especially in your twenties,

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Speaker 2: I think that that is something that isn't going to change,

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Speaker 2: and perhaps it's preventing you from living up to your potential.

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Speaker 2: You know. Also, I just think that naturally, if you

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Speaker 2: love somebody, if you care about them, you want you

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Speaker 2: do care about their future, and you do care about

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Speaker 2: their goals and their pursuits, and you do want them

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Speaker 2: to improve the way that they see fit. I think

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00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,440
Speaker 2: we often think about our goals and our dreams is

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Speaker 2: quite a solitary affair, especially during this decade when we're

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Speaker 2: just getting started. You know, it all comes down to

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Speaker 2: our discipline and our commitment, and our intelligence and our

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00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:51,320
Speaker 2: creativity and the hours that we are putting into something.

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Speaker 2: But this theory really suggests that the opposite is true,

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Speaker 2: that actually it does take a village, and it's the

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Speaker 2: people closest to us who have the biggest influence on

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Speaker 2: whether we succeed in our dreams or whether we don't.

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Speaker 2: There's also additional research that shows that having an equally

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Speaker 2: motivated partner who encourages you and celebrates you, but also

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00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:17,280
Speaker 2: is equally productive and equally pursuing a sense of satisfaction

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Speaker 2: and fulfillment in their lives will help you be a

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Speaker 2: better person. It's called social contagion. That's what we call

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00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,119
Speaker 2: it in psychology. You've probably heard the quote, you know

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Speaker 2: you are the product of the five piece people closest

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Speaker 2: to you, and that's what this idea of social contagion reflects.

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Speaker 2: Your partner is definitely one of those five right, And

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Speaker 2: the older we get, the further we get into our

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Speaker 2: twenties and even our thirties, and our forties, they normally

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Speaker 2: become the number one. So if they aren't in your corner,

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Speaker 2: if you have a big when at work and they

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Speaker 2: brush past it, if you like set a pr at

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Speaker 2: the gym and it's not something that they care about

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00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:56,160
Speaker 2: or they're even interested in, sometimes their disinterests can actually

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Speaker 2: work as a form of negative reinforcement, and it can

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Speaker 2: discourage you from continuing to pursue your goals. You know,

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Speaker 2: the opposite of the Michelangelo phenomenon is actually the blueberry phenomena.

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Speaker 2: And what the blueberry theory basically says is that interdependent

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Speaker 2: people bring out the worst in each other because when

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Speaker 2: one person is doing poorly or failing or struggling, they

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Speaker 2: bring the other person down with them. You know. It's

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Speaker 2: kind of where the name comes from, is having like

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Speaker 2: a punnet of blueberries or strawberries, And if you've ever

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00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:33,240
Speaker 2: had like one blueberry go bad and the punnet like

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00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:37,040
Speaker 2: quickly the whole the rest of the blueberries become rotten.

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Speaker 2: And that is what the theory is saying. Is basically like,

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Speaker 2: if you are with a partner who does not encourage

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Speaker 2: you or celebrate you, or who does not want you

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Speaker 2: to succeed, it's not that they're rotten, but you know

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Speaker 2: their values are contagious and might end up spoiling your

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Speaker 2: own goals. And I know it's very easy to see

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Speaker 2: dating in our twenties is maybe lower stake, especially early

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Speaker 2: in our twenties, because we have a lot of time

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00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,440
Speaker 2: to find the one and to explore and to get

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00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,679
Speaker 2: your heart broken and whatever whatever that may be. But

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00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,840
Speaker 2: really don't compromise on this one factor. If you're going

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Speaker 2: to be in a long term, committed relationship with somebody,

339
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,120
Speaker 2: maybe you won't, But if you're going to, they better

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00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,280
Speaker 2: think that you are fantastic and they better be in

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Speaker 2: your corner for everything that you do, especially especially during

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Speaker 2: such a formative decade for your identity and in which

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Speaker 2: we are growing our own self worth. We want to

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Speaker 2: build the skills and the community to succeed in whatever

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Speaker 2: it is we're doing. So quick recap of our red

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Speaker 2: flags so far. Number one, if they hold you back

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00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:47,360
Speaker 2: from having important experiences, red flag. If they're creating emotional chaos,

348
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,160
Speaker 2: red flag. And finally, if they don't celebrate or encourage

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00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:56,399
Speaker 2: you huge red flag. We have two final points to

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Speaker 2: talk about today, the red flags for the relationships that

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Speaker 2: we haven' twenties, and we're going to return to those

352
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:08,000
Speaker 2: plus a few maybe bonus signs bonus flags after this

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Speaker 2: short break. However, you want to think about your twenties,

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Speaker 2: whether this is a time to get serious about your

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00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,800
Speaker 2: future or a time for freedom and the ability to

356
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,800
Speaker 2: make mistakes and chase emotional highs and maybe lows. I

357
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:29,320
Speaker 2: think that something we can all agree is that they

358
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,679
Speaker 2: are not to be rushed, and that taking time to

359
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:35,959
Speaker 2: know yourself and to know somebody else when you're dating

360
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,480
Speaker 2: and in a relationship before making huge decisions about your

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00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:44,760
Speaker 2: future is really important. I don't think that's a controversial

362
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:48,280
Speaker 2: thing to say. So my fourth red flag for this

363
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,800
Speaker 2: episode if the other person wants an all or nothing

364
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:56,399
Speaker 2: relationship and wants it right away, or just wants a

365
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,360
Speaker 2: relationship for the sake of a relationship, so as pushing

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00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:05,000
Speaker 2: timeline red flag get out. Sometimes I think people like

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00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,320
Speaker 2: the idea of love more than the person that they

368
00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:10,480
Speaker 2: think they are in love or with. To them, a

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00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,080
Speaker 2: relationship is like a checkbox, right, something that needs to

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00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:15,560
Speaker 2: be achieved in order to feel good about ourselves and

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Speaker 2: to move on to the next life chapter or the

372
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,960
Speaker 2: next life stage. It just feels secure to be on

373
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,600
Speaker 2: a relationship and to be like okay, yep, got that

374
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:27,800
Speaker 2: all tied down. These are, unfortunately the people to avoid,

375
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,119
Speaker 2: those who see their relationship with you as no more

376
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:33,200
Speaker 2: than a commitment to maybe what the world expects of them,

377
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,040
Speaker 2: what they think they should be doing in their twenties,

378
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,000
Speaker 2: where the world expects them to be by a certain age,

379
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,600
Speaker 2: you know, in love, living together, cut dog, home ownership,

380
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,879
Speaker 2: all by the age of thirty, and so they rush it.

381
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:48,639
Speaker 2: They rush it without respecting the need to get to

382
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,240
Speaker 2: know each other or the value of a slow burn

383
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:53,840
Speaker 2: or a slowmance. For some people, that is the path

384
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,800
Speaker 2: that they choose to take. So I don't necessarily think

385
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,520
Speaker 2: this is a red flag if you're on the same

386
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,800
Speaker 2: page about the pace of your relationship, right, like, if

387
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,879
Speaker 2: you're both in mutual agreement of like, yes, we are

388
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,560
Speaker 2: in love and obsessed with each other and like let's

389
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,240
Speaker 2: move in. You know, I can't say if that's a

390
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,239
Speaker 2: mistake or not, because it's up to you. And if

391
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:14,280
Speaker 2: you're both feeling that way, that's great. But I think

392
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,040
Speaker 2: you need to let that happen organically and when it

393
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:20,640
Speaker 2: feels right, rather than feel like you're being rushed into

394
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:24,399
Speaker 2: something rather than feeling like the commitment is happening faster

395
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,479
Speaker 2: than the getting to no usage. So if this person

396
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:30,280
Speaker 2: is coming into the relationship wanting everything all at once,

397
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:35,120
Speaker 2: I think there is probably some deeper psychological or subconscious

398
00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:38,240
Speaker 2: motivation that is happening there, and maybe they don't even

399
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,600
Speaker 2: know it yet. Maybe it does have to do with

400
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,760
Speaker 2: their attachment style, maybe it does have to do with

401
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:47,920
Speaker 2: past relationship hurt or trauma, but it definitely needs further exploring.

402
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,320
Speaker 2: Here's why I think that this is a warning sign

403
00:22:50,359 --> 00:22:53,520
Speaker 2: in my eyes, Why it qualifies as a red flag. Firstly,

404
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,879
Speaker 2: it comes off as being very similar to love bombing.

405
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,879
Speaker 2: Love bombing if you have listen to the episode that

406
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,560
Speaker 2: we did on this a little while back, it basically

407
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:07,399
Speaker 2: involves huge grand gestures and over the top displays of

408
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,879
Speaker 2: love and affection as an artificial way to speed up

409
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:14,520
Speaker 2: the relationship timeline and to really hook line and sinker you,

410
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:17,439
Speaker 2: to really get you attached, you know, saying that they

411
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,560
Speaker 2: love you after date too, moving in after date four,

412
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:24,240
Speaker 2: that kind of thing, And sometimes that promise of exclusivity

413
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,440
Speaker 2: and commitment can be really nice if you've been let

414
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:30,199
Speaker 2: down by a few duds or people who never give

415
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:32,639
Speaker 2: you what you want. But it can also be an

416
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:35,960
Speaker 2: indication of someone who is just addicted to the intensity

417
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:39,639
Speaker 2: of a relationship in those early days, or who is

418
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:42,600
Speaker 2: trying to manipulate and control the situation, or who is

419
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:47,199
Speaker 2: actually quite emotionally immature, has an anxious attachment style, so

420
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 2: they're trying to lock you down asap. It's just something

421
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,359
Speaker 2: to be aware of. When we are in these situations,

422
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:56,200
Speaker 2: we sometimes lose who we are. It can become very controlling,

423
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:59,920
Speaker 2: it can disconnect you, and I think it doesn't leave

424
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:03,560
Speaker 2: much space for you to actually think through what you

425
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:06,280
Speaker 2: might want, not just from a relationship in your twenties,

426
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:10,159
Speaker 2: but what you might want from your future. So the

427
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:13,760
Speaker 2: other red flag or the other worry that this red

428
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:17,639
Speaker 2: flag alerts me to, is this kind of relationship that

429
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:20,880
Speaker 2: really burns way too bright. And the relationships that burn

430
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:24,080
Speaker 2: very bright burn very quickly, and we get very wrapped

431
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,400
Speaker 2: up in the promise and the extremes, and that can

432
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,520
Speaker 2: come crashing down. And I think if you have built

433
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:33,240
Speaker 2: everything around being with this person, if everything has just

434
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:38,680
Speaker 2: happened so quickly, it can be incredibly disruptive and shocking

435
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:42,439
Speaker 2: when suddenly that is over, So it's okay to just

436
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,359
Speaker 2: pause and slow down. You know, if they are the one,

437
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,080
Speaker 2: you will spend the rest of your life together. You know,

438
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:51,000
Speaker 2: if they are the one to worry about rushing it,

439
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,880
Speaker 2: the future is always going to be there. But if

440
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:57,040
Speaker 2: they cannot take over for an answer, if they cannot

441
00:24:57,359 --> 00:25:02,439
Speaker 2: respect your timeline, I would say, get out. You know,

442
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,920
Speaker 2: I get it. In our thirties or our forties, when

443
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:08,080
Speaker 2: some of those milestones have a bit more of a

444
00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:11,560
Speaker 2: crunch period, maybe we are better able to understand what

445
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,879
Speaker 2: we want. I get maybe the timeline's being a bit

446
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:19,280
Speaker 2: more accelerated, But not in our twenties, Not in our twenties. Okay,

447
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,679
Speaker 2: our final A red flag for today number five? You

448
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,840
Speaker 2: just feel like different people, and from the beginning you

449
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:31,080
Speaker 2: want them to change something fundamental or crucial about themselves. Now,

450
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,160
Speaker 2: this isn't a red flag in that it doesn't necessarily

451
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,840
Speaker 2: indicate that the other person is going to I don't know,

452
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,199
Speaker 2: ruin your life. It's more of an orange flag that

453
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,679
Speaker 2: this relationship and this person isn't right for you and

454
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,200
Speaker 2: ignoring that for too long, investing more and more time

455
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:50,680
Speaker 2: and energy into trying to make it work, into quote

456
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:53,960
Speaker 2: unquote fixing all these huge gaps and your personalities and

457
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,560
Speaker 2: your interests and your values is eventually going to lead

458
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:01,800
Speaker 2: you nowhere, and it may even lead to some regrets.

459
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,080
Speaker 2: Think about it in this way, you wouldn't want to

460
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,159
Speaker 2: be with somebody who had this small seed in the

461
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,840
Speaker 2: back of their heads at all time that they wanted

462
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,480
Speaker 2: to alter something about you. So I do think that

463
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:15,760
Speaker 2: it's a bit unfair to It's unfair to everybody to

464
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:20,919
Speaker 2: pursue a relationship with somebody who is always going to

465
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,960
Speaker 2: create friction. There's always going to be a friction between

466
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,040
Speaker 2: what you expect from them and what they're actually able

467
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:30,520
Speaker 2: to give. Obviously, I think different is good. Different is

468
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:33,640
Speaker 2: new perspectives, Different is new places, new beliefs, new opinions,

469
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,239
Speaker 2: new memories. And you know, if both of you want

470
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:37,840
Speaker 2: to keep it casual and you want to learn from

471
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,439
Speaker 2: each other, go for it. But when it comes to

472
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:43,840
Speaker 2: a serious relationship, like and I'm all in for you,

473
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:47,000
Speaker 2: You're all in for me kind of relationship, if there

474
00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:51,600
Speaker 2: is a fundamental difference that feels like this bruise, a

475
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,600
Speaker 2: bruise on your partnership, a bruise on your connection that

476
00:26:55,359 --> 00:26:57,719
Speaker 2: never goes away and that you keep you know, pushing

477
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,040
Speaker 2: and prodding, and it keeps stinging and flaring up and

478
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,199
Speaker 2: you just can never resolve it. Maybe they are not

479
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:06,320
Speaker 2: the one, and maybe you are better off being single

480
00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:09,680
Speaker 2: for a little bit. I know that might be something

481
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:13,520
Speaker 2: that's hard to hear in those situations when you are

482
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:17,680
Speaker 2: unsure and perhaps ignoring a real emotional and deeper psychological

483
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:20,560
Speaker 2: signal or clue from within that you need to move on.

484
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:23,560
Speaker 2: I do have a very deep belief if you can't

485
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,719
Speaker 2: already tell that we are better off alone ninety nine

486
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:29,400
Speaker 2: percent of the time during our twenties, with ninety nine

487
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,080
Speaker 2: percent of the people that we come across. If we

488
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:33,800
Speaker 2: are given the option to stay single or to be

489
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:36,840
Speaker 2: in a relationship, you should stay single because anything a

490
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:40,400
Speaker 2: relationship can give you, you can give those yourself, those

491
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:44,000
Speaker 2: same things plus even greater realizations and an even greater

492
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,159
Speaker 2: dedication to your growth and to your identity and to

493
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:50,960
Speaker 2: your friends and to your goals. So the only person

494
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,199
Speaker 2: that I think worth not so much in losing, but

495
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:58,760
Speaker 2: the only person worth switching from single to being in

496
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,680
Speaker 2: a relationship and perhaps losing out on some of those things.

497
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,760
Speaker 2: The only person that it's worth doing that for is

498
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:07,199
Speaker 2: somebody who is pretty dang good and somebody who you

499
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,400
Speaker 2: are not one hundred percent sure of, because I don't

500
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,119
Speaker 2: think you can never be one hundred percent sure, but

501
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,639
Speaker 2: who you are like, really fascinated by and who was

502
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:18,240
Speaker 2: obviously providing you with a really safe and comfortable foundation

503
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:22,399
Speaker 2: to grow, and who you aren't spending time being wanting

504
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:25,840
Speaker 2: to change. You know, who aren't just in a relationship

505
00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:29,520
Speaker 2: with for the sake of being in a relationship if

506
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,560
Speaker 2: you were two to three six months in and you

507
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:34,520
Speaker 2: were waiting for them to shift or change. I just

508
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:36,560
Speaker 2: don't think that will ever happen. And there was a

509
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:40,000
Speaker 2: study done by Business Insider last year which said, of

510
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:43,280
Speaker 2: all the reasons people break up that don't have to

511
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:47,000
Speaker 2: do with ghastly things like cheating or bad behaviors, the

512
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:51,000
Speaker 2: number one culprit is that they ignored the incompatibilities early on.

513
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:55,320
Speaker 2: You want kids, they never wanted them. You were a workaholic,

514
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:59,880
Speaker 2: they wanted a slower life. You know, she was really

515
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:02,160
Speaker 2: into drinking and partying, and that just wasn't who you were.

516
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:06,600
Speaker 2: It's an incompatibility that is the orange flag. You know,

517
00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:10,640
Speaker 2: two truly nice, lovely people can be in a relationship

518
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:13,239
Speaker 2: together and it could just not work out because they

519
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:16,360
Speaker 2: don't mesh in what they need from each other, and

520
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:18,360
Speaker 2: they're kind of playing a tug of war. Are you

521
00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:20,880
Speaker 2: going to change? Or am I who's going to shift here?

522
00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:24,720
Speaker 2: That's what I'm a really amazing doctor. Doctor Susan South

523
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:27,480
Speaker 2: from Podu University, she had to say about that. She

524
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:29,480
Speaker 2: called it a tug of war, a tug of war

525
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:32,760
Speaker 2: between two people who want to be themselves in a

526
00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:36,320
Speaker 2: relationship but perhaps acknowledge that they might have to give

527
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,080
Speaker 2: up something they really care about to be with this

528
00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:41,320
Speaker 2: person and questioning whether that's worth it. I don't think

529
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:45,480
Speaker 2: that it is. Relationships take up so much time and

530
00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 2: they're an investment. So please, please do not think this

531
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:52,400
Speaker 2: valuable energy and space that you have in your life

532
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:55,960
Speaker 2: right now to something that doesn't feel right, especially during

533
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:57,880
Speaker 2: this period in our lives, when there are so many

534
00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:02,360
Speaker 2: situations and events and emotion, even the hard ones that

535
00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:04,880
Speaker 2: we would get the privilege to experience solo and that

536
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,200
Speaker 2: we could really grow through. So I want to include

537
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:11,120
Speaker 2: some final lightning round red flags that are perhaps a

538
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:14,600
Speaker 2: bit more obvious for relationships in our twenties. Obviously, there

539
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:17,320
Speaker 2: are some that are crucial no matter what I think

540
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:18,959
Speaker 2: I said them before, but just to clear it up,

541
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,600
Speaker 2: you know, narcissism, abusive behavior, lying, all those things that

542
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:26,440
Speaker 2: we would typically think of, they are for every decade,

543
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,160
Speaker 2: but in our twenties, I think a lack of personal

544
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:32,480
Speaker 2: boundaries and not wanting to spend time apart that is

545
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:35,680
Speaker 2: a huge red flag. Make sure that you get the

546
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,040
Speaker 2: chance to be a free bird. Sometimes you know, you

547
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,120
Speaker 2: don't get these years back. I think it's very similar

548
00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:43,040
Speaker 2: to the first red flag. You still want to be yourself,

549
00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:46,000
Speaker 2: you still want to have things that are separate from them.

550
00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:49,360
Speaker 2: I think it's really valuable. If they are extremely jealous

551
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:52,600
Speaker 2: and possessive, that is gross at any age. Get out.

552
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:56,640
Speaker 2: If they are financially irresponsible and they go on to

553
00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:00,360
Speaker 2: lie about it or they want your help, run for

554
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,080
Speaker 2: the hills, run for the hills.

555
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:02,880
Speaker 1: You know.

556
00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:06,600
Speaker 2: Sometimes people just aren't the best with money. Perhaps they

557
00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 2: didn't have the greatest financial literacy. That is not the

558
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:16,880
Speaker 2: same as being financially irresponsible and being completely what's the

559
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:21,720
Speaker 2: word just completely dangerous about it or completely destructive about

560
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,880
Speaker 2: it and getting somebody that you care about involved, you know,

561
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:27,120
Speaker 2: I think they can recognize that there's a problem and

562
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:30,080
Speaker 2: hopefully fix it. And I think the final thing to

563
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,000
Speaker 2: just remember is are you on the same page about

564
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:36,520
Speaker 2: what you actually want? It doesn't matter how you choose

565
00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:38,640
Speaker 2: to date in your twenties, whether you like casual dating,

566
00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:41,680
Speaker 2: whether you like committed dating, whether you like polyamory, whether

567
00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:44,880
Speaker 2: you like just sex, it doesn't matter. It's all up

568
00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:49,400
Speaker 2: to you. But just remember respect, communication, honesty, and insincerity,

569
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:52,800
Speaker 2: but also that the other person is gentle and is

570
00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:57,040
Speaker 2: just kind. That is a must, That is an absolute must.

571
00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:00,000
Speaker 2: So thank you so much for listening to today's episode.

572
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:03,120
Speaker 2: As we run through some of the red flags. There

573
00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,080
Speaker 2: may not have been some that you would think should

574
00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:08,680
Speaker 2: make this list. Maybe I didn't include some that you

575
00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:13,200
Speaker 2: thought were quite obvious. So if you have some additional contributions,

576
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,920
Speaker 2: please feel free to DM me at that Psychology podcast

577
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:18,920
Speaker 2: and I'll share them on my Instagram because I feel

578
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:21,160
Speaker 2: like the more the merrier. If there is something that

579
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:24,320
Speaker 2: you have learned from your experience dating in your twenties,

580
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:27,960
Speaker 2: whether that was committed or uncommitted, I would love to

581
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,040
Speaker 2: hear from you and make sure that you are following

582
00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:33,360
Speaker 2: along wherever you are listening right now, Spotify, Apple Podcasts,

583
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:37,240
Speaker 2: wherever it is. Make sure you never miss another episode.

584
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:40,000
Speaker 2: And if you did enjoy this episode, feel free to

585
00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:42,480
Speaker 2: share it with a friend or leave a five star review.

586
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:47,360
Speaker 2: And as always, until next time, stay safe, be kind,

587
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:50,440
Speaker 2: and of course be gentle with yourself and look out

588
00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:53,400
Speaker 2: for these red flags for your own sake, and we

589
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:54,200
Speaker 2: will talk soon.