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Speaker 1: Okay, guys, welcome to a very special, maybe the most

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Speaker 1: special episode of You Need Therapy, specifically Couch Talks, but

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Speaker 1: overall You Need Therapy. You have just opened up the

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Speaker 1: one hundred episode of the podcast, and that is where

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Speaker 1: we wish that we had like an airhorn or something

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Speaker 1: to like go up, because we made it to a

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Speaker 1: hundred episodes. And I will say one didn't know we

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Speaker 1: were gonna get here, and I'm going to talk all

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Speaker 1: about that, and we're gonna we're gonna explore the past

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Speaker 1: what I guess almost two years but what I thought

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Speaker 1: would be very cool today this is couch Talk, so

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Speaker 1: we're gonna do a little differently. Usually on Couch Talks

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Speaker 1: if you're new, where I answer questions from listeners on

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Speaker 1: Wednesdays that you guys send into Catherinette You Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: pod cast. But today I was like, well, this is

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Speaker 1: the hundredth episode. We need to celebrate. Why don't we

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Speaker 1: take it back to where all started, which was if

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Speaker 1: you have not been there before, maybe you might want

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Speaker 1: to go back to the first episode. First. It was

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Speaker 1: sitting in my living room of my old house on

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Speaker 1: my couch with my friend Kelly Fox. Hi everyone. Can

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Speaker 1: I just say I like that you you waved, she

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Speaker 1: waved at you, guys. I am so freaking proud of you, Catherine. Now,

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Speaker 1: thank you, so so proud. Not that I didn't think

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Speaker 1: that you were going to have this kind of success,

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Speaker 1: but it's always great when someone you love and everything's

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Speaker 1: working out well, you know. And we'll talk about this.

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Speaker 1: But when I started the podcast, it was obviously for

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Speaker 1: the same reasons that I still do it, But my

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Speaker 1: thought was like nobody would listen to it. I thought

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Speaker 1: like some of my friends would listen to it and

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Speaker 1: some of my clients, and it's grown way bigger than that.

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Speaker 1: And I was thinking I would do like a couple

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Speaker 1: of episodes a year. I wouldn't didn't think I was

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Speaker 1: gonna do too every single week. So I do want

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Speaker 1: to talk about just that process of like you were

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Speaker 1: literally the first episode, so you were in it in

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Speaker 1: the beginning, and I want to talk about that episode

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Speaker 1: and what we talked about. But I also want to

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Speaker 1: talk about, like what were your thoughts because I was like, hey,

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Speaker 1: you're in town, Kelly lives not here. Where are you

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Speaker 1: right now? Because currently in the gorgeous Napa Valley of California.

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Speaker 1: How long have you been there? We came for a

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Speaker 1: wedding and then say for the week. Okay, well, I

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Speaker 1: mean good for you. But she was in town. This

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Speaker 1: is pre pandemic, obviously she was in town. So I

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Speaker 1: was like, Hey, you're in town. I want to start

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Speaker 1: this podcast. Will you be my first set? If you

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Speaker 1: were like sure, so yeah, I guess my question for

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Speaker 1: you would be like, what was it Like? I guess

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Speaker 1: it was just like yeah, sure, like not thinking much

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Speaker 1: of it, thinking it would just be like a little

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Speaker 1: thing that your friend does, right, I mean, I really

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Speaker 1: did think that it was going to be successful, and

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Speaker 1: like I don't really know how well, like how to

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Speaker 1: translate exactly the definition of what I mean by sick tessed,

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Speaker 1: but anything you do is successful. Like you are someone

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Speaker 1: who is like, hey, I'm passionate about this. I'm going

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Speaker 1: to figure out how to reach an audience. Like I

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Speaker 1: didn't know how big that audience was going to be,

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Speaker 1: but I was like, now she's got a great following

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Speaker 1: her fitness and therapy, and those people are gonna tell people,

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Speaker 1: and they're going to tell people and then it's going

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Speaker 1: to blow up in certain circuits, is what I really

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Speaker 1: did believe. I never imagined it was going to be

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Speaker 1: a this fast or the sort of like sponsorship level

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Speaker 1: and stuff like that. Like that was and that was

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Speaker 1: so shortly after you started. Yeah, it was under a year.

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Speaker 1: We shot the first episode that was around the holidays,

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Speaker 1: and then when I came back to visit you that summer,

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Speaker 1: you had already been in the works of like sponsorship stuff,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, holy Molly, that was like six

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Speaker 1: months later. Well, I was going to say, in my head,

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Speaker 1: it's not so much about like me and what I do,

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Speaker 1: and that I mean, I do work hard, and I

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Speaker 1: get passionate about things, and I work hard. But also

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Speaker 1: to me, the message that I sent through all of

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Speaker 1: this is people want to learn about this stuff. People

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Speaker 1: are interested in what is talked about on here, which

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Speaker 1: is so funny, because I think it's not funny. It's

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Speaker 1: so I mean, maybe frustrating that people want to talk

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Speaker 1: about the stuff that we talk about on here, but

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Speaker 1: we don't like people want to go to therapy and

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Speaker 1: explore their lives and learn about stuff and have hard

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Speaker 1: conversations and and get to know ourselves and understand people.

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Speaker 1: And then for some reason it's hard to actually do that.

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Speaker 1: So I'm glad that I've been able to put the

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Speaker 1: content out because it's giving people like a like a

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Speaker 1: nudge to go do that, and it's it's okay. If

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Speaker 1: I can start the conversation in my car listening to

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Speaker 1: this thing by myself, then I can move out, which

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Speaker 1: leads me to like, when we did that first episode,

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Speaker 1: it was all about attachment, which that's just that's the

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Speaker 1: underpinniings of everything I do as a therapist. And you

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Speaker 1: had never heard of any attachment theory. So how was

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Speaker 1: that helpful to you? And how has that changed the

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Speaker 1: way way you think about yourself other people relationships? Or

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Speaker 1: has it? Oh my god, yes, it has tremendously changed

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Speaker 1: the way I think about myself. One of the things

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Speaker 1: I would say that it initially did for me is

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Speaker 1: it allowed me to give myself more grace in elements

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Speaker 1: of life that I probably was not probably but most

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Speaker 1: certainly was much harder on myself about before. Like you know,

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Speaker 1: if I would react in a certain way that certainly

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Speaker 1: could be deemed cold or stand offish or these things,

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Speaker 1: and I would be why am I like that? Oh

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Speaker 1: that's so annoying? Just be be warm just put yourself

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Speaker 1: into this situation who cares? And then after talking to you,

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Speaker 1: I was able to be more like, hey, there's something

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Speaker 1: to work on, but it's like, be easy on yourself

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Speaker 1: and understand where you came from and where you developed

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Speaker 1: these characteristics and these traits. And then it's also helped

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Speaker 1: me navigate with other people honestly, like how to understand

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Speaker 1: what other people in my life might need and how

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Speaker 1: to be like, Okay, I want to give these people

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Speaker 1: what they need because I love them and I care

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Speaker 1: about them, and I don't want to be withholding and

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Speaker 1: I don't want to be distant, and it's for the

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Speaker 1: better for everyone. But it isn't daily struggle. And I

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Speaker 1: would say that now knowing even that brief conversation we

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Speaker 1: had in the grand scheme of things, it was brief

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Speaker 1: compared like how much diving in we could possibly do,

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Speaker 1: But it's like, even just that conversation has helped me

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Speaker 1: every day be more aware to be honest, to be like, Okay, relaxed,

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Speaker 1: you don't need to be this way or think about

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Speaker 1: it from this person's perspective, and not like really, just

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Speaker 1: be like easy on yourself, is really what I would

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Speaker 1: say well, because what you're saying is it's so easy

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Speaker 1: to be frustrated about how I am or how people are.

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Speaker 1: But then it's also so easy to not be frustrated

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Speaker 1: if we understand the why behind the how and the what.

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Speaker 1: Because before it's it's almost like everybody's on an even

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Speaker 1: playing field, and so these expectations that we have for

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Speaker 1: ourselves and others are all on this even playing field,

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Speaker 1: and so we if if somebody doesn't meet that, or

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Speaker 1: if somebody falls short or somebody reacts a way that

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Speaker 1: isn't what you would do or what you think is right,

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Speaker 1: including yourself, it's it's so easy to be like, ah,

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Speaker 1: like there's something wrong with you with this information, It's like, oh, yes, okay,

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Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with me. This is just kind of

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Speaker 1: telling the story of my life and how I've I've

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Speaker 1: grown up and what I've known, and I can't do

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Speaker 1: better or be better or or any of that unless

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Speaker 1: I go back and look at that stuff, unless I know,

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Speaker 1: like I have to have the awareness and then I

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Speaker 1: can make the changes. So I think that's really cool

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Speaker 1: to think about of, Yeah, this is important for anybody

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Speaker 1: to learn about, regardless as if you really want to

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Speaker 1: go to therapy, but it just it gives you an

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Speaker 1: understanding versus this like almost like blind going into life blind.

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Speaker 1: It helps with expectations. And I would even say, also

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Speaker 1: from a professional standpoint, I am just in my nature

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Speaker 1: avoidance of difficult things like I do I will avoid

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Speaker 1: aid discomfort and pain and causing somebody else pain and

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Speaker 1: having any kind of hard conversation is just not my

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Speaker 1: forte at all. And this particular year with work, I

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Speaker 1: had like three or four instances of needing to like

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Speaker 1: really either give bad news in a really like serious way,

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Speaker 1: or having to knowing that something was going wrong and

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Speaker 1: I had to like step in and say like, this

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Speaker 1: is all going wrong. I need like we're gonna have

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Speaker 1: to fix it. And that would be something that typically

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Speaker 1: I would literally run for the hills from and I

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Speaker 1: would be I would like in my past either completely

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Speaker 1: ghost even in professional settings, so like ghost people to

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Speaker 1: just be like, oh, I don't want to have these

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Speaker 1: hard conversations. And this year I was like, hey, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I would give myself PEP talks before I was going

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Speaker 1: to go into these moments, and I'd be like, I

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Speaker 1: know you don't want to do this, and it's okay,

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Speaker 1: But everything's gonna be okay when you push through it.

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Speaker 1: Like you know that other people have to have these

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Speaker 1: kind of conversations and they get through them. You're no different.

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Speaker 1: Do you know what it is about hard conversations? Conflict?

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Speaker 1: However you would find that that makes you want to run?

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Speaker 1: What is it about those things that makes you want

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Speaker 1: to run? I think, um, if I had to like

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Speaker 1: kind of narrow it down into like an articulate way,

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Speaker 1: I would say it's it's too twofold one is um?

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Speaker 1: I feel that because I tend to be quite independent

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Speaker 1: and I like to sort of be the master of

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Speaker 1: my own domain. I'm I'm very opinionated and deliberate in

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Speaker 1: my life, but I do not like imposing my opinions

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Speaker 1: necessarily in others. I do not like if I'm in

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Speaker 1: a group of four people and we're talking about where

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Speaker 1: to eat lunch, I'll be the last person to speak up.

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Speaker 1: But if I'm on my own I can make my

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Speaker 1: decision intense. I can I know exactly what I want

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Speaker 1: to eat. So part of me just thinks that, like,

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Speaker 1: I am so uncomfortable by imposing on anybody else's comfort, happiness,

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Speaker 1: taste buds, I say I want vienname chicken salad, and

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Speaker 1: they want, you know, Ramen or whatever, and I'm like, we, well,

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Speaker 1: we should just seat Raman because it's like I don't

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Speaker 1: want them to ever be implicated by my decisions. I

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Speaker 1: guess if that makes sense, Like I'm not I'm not

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Speaker 1: a strong leader of a group. Like I'm happy too

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Speaker 1: if I'm in a group, I'm happy to be in

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Speaker 1: the background. Even always use this example, like I am

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Speaker 1: an interior designer. I love designing my spaces, but in

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Speaker 1: all the times I've ever had roommates, college, post college, anything,

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Speaker 1: I like just let them do whatever they want in

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Speaker 1: the houses because I'm just like I don't care, Like

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Speaker 1: I don't want to have any opinion on it. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to. And then as soon as I live

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Speaker 1: by myself or have my own space, I have all

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Speaker 1: of my stuff just ready to going know exactly how

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna do everything in the house or everything in

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Speaker 1: the apartment. But when I'm with other people, I just

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Speaker 1: want to like let it all be their decisions and

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Speaker 1: their stuff. And so I think that when you're telling

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Speaker 1: somebody something bad, or you're breaking bad news, or you're

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Speaker 1: like needing to have hard conversations. It's like I'm going

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Speaker 1: to walk into someone's life and then I'm going to

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Speaker 1: say something that's going to implicate them and it's going

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Speaker 1: to leave shrapnel in their life of like whatever it

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Speaker 1: is that I need to say or need to do.

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Speaker 1: And I feel so guilty about those things. And it's

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Speaker 1: funny because you know, like my boyfriend will always make

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Speaker 1: you don't care what anybody thinks of you, And I'm like, no,

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Speaker 1: no, no no, no, I care very much what people think

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Speaker 1: of me. I don't often include like I don't also,

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Speaker 1: I don't like to ask other people for a lot

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Speaker 1: of opinions or whatever about my personal stuff because I

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Speaker 1: don't want them to be offended if I don't take

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Speaker 1: their advice or anything like that either. But like I

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Speaker 1: care very much that people are and having a good time. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So I have seventeen up questions to that one you mentioned.

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Speaker 1: I feel guilty, Okay. Guilt is not a bad feeling

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Speaker 1: because it tells us when we're doing something wrong and

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Speaker 1: something that's outside of our value system. And so when

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Speaker 1: people talk about guilt sometimes I'm like, great, let's listen

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Speaker 1: to that guilt. Let's talk about it. And let's do

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Speaker 1: something different. But I also think it's important when you

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Speaker 1: feel guilt to ask yourself, Okay, I feel guilty, what

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Speaker 1: am I doing wrong? And then once you figure that out, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what am I doing wrong? You get that answer. The

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Speaker 1: next question is do I really think that's wrong? So

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Speaker 1: for you and you feel guilty if you have to

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Speaker 1: answer that when you have to have a hard conversation

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Speaker 1: with somebody in order to get your needs met, whether

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Speaker 1: it be personally or in work, and other people are

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable from that conversation or it affects them in some way,

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Speaker 1: what are you doing wrong? So like, even if I'm

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Speaker 1: thinking of certain examples, even in a personal life situation,

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Speaker 1: like if I'm stating my needs which might be different

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Speaker 1: than those around me, but I think my the guilt

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Speaker 1: or what I feel that I'm doing wrong, is that

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Speaker 1: that I'm holding someone back from what if my need

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Speaker 1: opposes their need? Like if it's opposition, it's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: they want this thing. I want this thing. If I

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Speaker 1: say that I want this thing and they comply, then

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Speaker 1: that means they're not going to get what they want

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Speaker 1: or what they that's not true. Okay, that's great, So

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Speaker 1: that's not true because what you just did is you

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Speaker 1: try to mind read them and you're trying to say

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Speaker 1: that they want that thing more than they want whatever

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Speaker 1: will help the relationship. So maybe they might want that thing,

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Speaker 1: but the relationship is more important to them. They might

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Speaker 1: not totally be like super pumped about it. At the

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Speaker 1: same time, they're as an adult making a choice to

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Speaker 1: do that with you. That's true. So if they have

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Speaker 1: resentment or whatever it is around that, that's on them,

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Speaker 1: not on you. They chose to say, Okay, I hear you,

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Speaker 1: let's do it, Like I guess we're going to do that,

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Speaker 1: But then oftentimes I'll be like, no, we'll just do either. Right.

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Speaker 1: So then the other thing that I was as you

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Speaker 1: were talking about that earlier is Okay, you are a

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Speaker 1: very independent person when it's just you, but when other

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Speaker 1: people are involved, you kind of become almost like submissive.

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Speaker 1: Is that too much? Okay? That fits because you want

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Speaker 1: other people to be allowed to be independent. You want

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Speaker 1: other people to feel how you feel when you're alone.

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Speaker 1: But what happens is you kind of turn your whole

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Speaker 1: ideals upside down and you sacrifice were once in needs

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Speaker 1: to make sure that other people have what you think

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Speaker 1: that they might want in need, which is fine if

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Speaker 1: you're fine living that way. Yeah, and that might be

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Speaker 1: sending You're like, this is just who I am, and

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Speaker 1: this is however I'm going to be for the rest

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Speaker 1: of my life. But when and if it becomes a problem,

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Speaker 1: and this is really for anybody, I would ask the question,

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Speaker 1: what do I need to believe that my desires and

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Speaker 1: my independence is just as important as everybody else's. So

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Speaker 1: I would say that in this past year, I've been

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Speaker 1: trying harder to vocalize my wants and needs in group

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Speaker 1: settings and to be I guess, like not ashamed of

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Speaker 1: the things that I want. Like I find that I

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Speaker 1: really really do value my alone time because I feel

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Speaker 1: that that is where I restore myself. If I have

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Speaker 1: too much stimulation constantly, I get depleted quick and I

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Speaker 1: feel like, you know, quite um, I don't know, just

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Speaker 1: like down and like tired. I don't feel like myself

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Speaker 1: if I have too much of that. And so something

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Speaker 1: that I've realized, even if I'm in a work setting

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Speaker 1: where we're all like buddy, all the people I work with,

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Speaker 1: we're like buddies, and so it'll be a work day

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Speaker 1: and then if everybody wants to go and continue to

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Speaker 1: be like, oh, let's all just go grabs and they

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Speaker 1: need or let's all go play a pickup game of

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Speaker 1: soccer or whatever it is. Like stuff like that always

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Speaker 1: comes up. And I used to just be like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: I should just go because I should go, like that's

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Speaker 1: what I should do, and that's what people expect me

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Speaker 1: to do, and because I am, you know, like a

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Speaker 1: leader in the company I work for, and so it's

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Speaker 1: like I thought that that was the right thing to do.

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Speaker 1: And then in this last year, I've just been able

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Speaker 1: to say like, no, thank you, I'm not going to

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Speaker 1: do that, like I'm gonna go home or I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: go to the gym by myself, or I'm gonna do

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Speaker 1: this not And initially I would get flak for it,

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Speaker 1: and then now I feel like people are more like, oh,

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Speaker 1: this is what we expect out of her. Now. Then

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Speaker 1: that does make me feel a little sad, because my god,

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Speaker 1: don't want people expects that I don't ever want to

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Speaker 1: go do these things. But I usually don't really want

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Speaker 1: to ever do those things. Yeah, but what they're saying

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Speaker 1: is we expect Kelly to be independent and make choices

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Speaker 1: based on what she wants to do versus what she

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Speaker 1: thinks she has to or should do. That's a good thing. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: One thing I've noticed lately that I really want to

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Speaker 1: work on how to one be able to express my

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Speaker 1: needs before everything is happening. Like once I've kind of

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Speaker 1: like let things get to a certain point and then

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Speaker 1: I'm like, no, I don't want to do that or

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Speaker 1: I don't want to go there, and it's like too late,

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Speaker 1: and then I don't have the best tacked in those moments,

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Speaker 1: and so then that can oftentimes cause the contention and

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Speaker 1: animosity and like unnecessary discomfort for everyone. Yeah, and you

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Speaker 1: know what I want to wrap this back to, like

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Speaker 1: the first episode where we talked about attachment and we

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Speaker 1: talked about avoidant attachment, and what I know about you, Kelly, Well,

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Speaker 1: I will go ahead and say is you might have

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Speaker 1: developed a leaning towards a more avoidant and insecure avoidant

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Speaker 1: attachment as a kid. I find you as as a

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Speaker 1: securely attached to. So yes, so I'm saying all of this,

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Speaker 1: and let's I will go out and say that you're

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Speaker 1: securely attached human being. We all are going to have

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Speaker 1: some leanings towards off right. But what I'm hearing you

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Speaker 1: say is the coping skills you developed as somebody who

341
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,439
Speaker 1: was taught to kind of like repress my feelings and

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00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,959
Speaker 1: needs and wants and desires, you're wanting to break those now,

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Speaker 1: which is great, Which is is why I know you're

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Speaker 1: you're leaning more into this securely attached person because you're

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Speaker 1: aware and you know that they're not working for you.

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Speaker 1: But your go to is, like it's just the natural

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Speaker 1: part of you is to like not say anything or

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Speaker 1: make it easy for other people, not ask for too

349
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,159
Speaker 1: much because you don't want to you're gonna get let down,

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Speaker 1: you don't want to get hurt. So all those protective measures.

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Speaker 1: When you say I want to set better boundaries, what

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Speaker 1: you're saying is I don't want to use these protective

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Speaker 1: measures that aren't helping me anymore. So that's huge. And

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Speaker 1: for anybody who's listening, who has been on this journey

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Speaker 1: through talking and learning about attachment, that's really the goal.

356
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Speaker 1: Like the goal isn't to make you feel like, oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh, I'm doomed because I have this attachment in

358
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,480
Speaker 1: my life was this way and this is what I learned. No,

359
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Speaker 1: the goal is to figure out what did you learn

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Speaker 1: so then we can unlearn it, and that might take

361
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,200
Speaker 1: a while, you might not ever get it perfectly. But

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Speaker 1: where where you're doing now is saying, let's just keep

363
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,040
Speaker 1: going with the boundaries. I want to learn how to

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00:18:16,119 --> 00:18:19,880
Speaker 1: create better boundaries. So that's what Kelly's doing as she's

365
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,760
Speaker 1: she found awareness, and it probably wasn't the most comfortable awareness,

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Speaker 1: but now as she is wanting more out of her

367
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Speaker 1: life and she's realizing, oh, my needs can be met

368
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,720
Speaker 1: by people, it's taking you time and it's not still

369
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Speaker 1: like you're gonna have that natural pop up of like,

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Speaker 1: oh I don't want to other people uncomfortable, but you're

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Speaker 1: willing to um go against it, and eventually those scripts

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Speaker 1: are going to start to change. The more you set

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Speaker 1: boundaries earlier on, the more you say no, I don't

374
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,040
Speaker 1: want to do that, the easier it becomes because you

375
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:52,600
Speaker 1: are giving yourself evidence that disproves old stories. So every

376
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:54,360
Speaker 1: time you say oh I don't want to do that,

377
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,879
Speaker 1: I want to go do this thing by myself, and

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Speaker 1: somebody's like, Okay, I still love you, or okay, I'm

379
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,240
Speaker 1: bummed up, I'm gonna miss you, but I respect you

380
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,400
Speaker 1: whatever it is, you're getting more evidence said it. It's

381
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,960
Speaker 1: okay for for people to be disappointed in a choice

382
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,280
Speaker 1: you make, but also they're still going to show up

383
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:15,800
Speaker 1: and be around and invite you again. Yes, yes, that's

384
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,920
Speaker 1: the big learning factor is knowing that, Like, I'm around

385
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,439
Speaker 1: people all the time that are very articulate with their

386
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,560
Speaker 1: needs and their wants, and I love those people to death,

387
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Speaker 1: So like, why should it be any different for me?

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Speaker 1: Like why shouldn't I accept or expect that hopefully people

389
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,680
Speaker 1: will feel the same same for me. In your house

390
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,720
Speaker 1: growing up, was it always like what your dad wanted?

391
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,800
Speaker 1: That's a d percent where that's all coming from. Really, Yeah,

392
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,760
Speaker 1: it's it was always what your dad wanted. To why

393
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,520
Speaker 1: are you going to voice a need? You're not going

394
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,000
Speaker 1: to voice a need. If you want something, you're going

395
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,760
Speaker 1: to steal the car and go get it exactly. So

396
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,560
Speaker 1: that makes perfect sense because that's what you were taught.

397
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,160
Speaker 1: There was no point in you asking for what you need.

398
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,879
Speaker 1: But then here is my big concern is that in

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00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,439
Speaker 1: my house growing up it was and you know, of

400
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,800
Speaker 1: course it's like if I asked my mom, maybe she

401
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:05,119
Speaker 1: would deny this. But the way it fully appeared to

402
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:09,000
Speaker 1: me as a youth. My experience was it was my

403
00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:12,400
Speaker 1: dad's world. We were living in it, and like it

404
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,280
Speaker 1: was whatever he wanted to eat for dinner, we always ate,

405
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:16,679
Speaker 1: Like I remember I always asked my mom, like, why

406
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:18,920
Speaker 1: don't we ever have chicken? Like all my friends eat chicken,

407
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:20,960
Speaker 1: and She's like, hellly dad doesn't like chicken, So we

408
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,840
Speaker 1: just like never ate chicken in my house. Like it

409
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,800
Speaker 1: was like just weird stuff like that. But all vacations

410
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:30,000
Speaker 1: entirely planned by my father, every element of it. Where

411
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:33,399
Speaker 1: he wanted to go weekends, hobbies were my dad like

412
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:36,840
Speaker 1: to golf, so everything was about golfing and golf course

413
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:40,000
Speaker 1: stuff and whatever. And so what I what I find

414
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,639
Speaker 1: the biggest weirdest struggle in my life is that in

415
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:47,320
Speaker 1: social settings, in group settings, in work settings, I'm very

416
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:50,280
Speaker 1: happy being passive and it makes me feel the most comfortable.

417
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,200
Speaker 1: But in my private life, and I would say private

418
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,879
Speaker 1: life even deeming my partnership, like with my boyfriend, like

419
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,040
Speaker 1: I want to be the boss so bad, and I'm

420
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:02,800
Speaker 1: constantly trying to be authoritative and like, no, it's not

421
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,280
Speaker 1: gonna be this way. This is how we're gonna do it.

422
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Speaker 1: This is where this goes, that doesn't work, that's not

423
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,240
Speaker 1: where that goes in my in my apartment, and stuff

424
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:09,840
Speaker 1: like they put a cup somewhere I don't like and

425
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,080
Speaker 1: I move it, you know, or whatever. And so I

426
00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:15,600
Speaker 1: feel like in this juxtaposition, constantly being like, how can

427
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,400
Speaker 1: I be so passive in this one area, but then

428
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,239
Speaker 1: in this other area I need so badly to be

429
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:26,040
Speaker 1: strong and and vocal and whatever. And that's something that

430
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,480
Speaker 1: my boyfriends has constant. He's like, you're only comfortable being

431
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:31,160
Speaker 1: dis vocal with me, and he'll make little jokes about

432
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,000
Speaker 1: calling me my dad. He's like, oh my god, you're

433
00:21:33,119 --> 00:21:34,920
Speaker 1: you're going to be your dad or you're becoming your dad.

434
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,880
Speaker 1: And then that's terrifying because I'm like, oh my god,

435
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,120
Speaker 1: I'm this is not a dictatorship, Like I want everybody

436
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:42,320
Speaker 1: to feel like they can also have their needs better

437
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,560
Speaker 1: go where they want to go, or like eat what

438
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,560
Speaker 1: they want to eat. What do you make of that? Though, Well,

439
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,720
Speaker 1: what do you mean? Like I'm a little scared, but

440
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,800
Speaker 1: what makes it easy to be passive and a group?

441
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:57,800
Speaker 1: But it sounds like it's it's almost like torturous to

442
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:01,400
Speaker 1: be passive in a relationship. Yeah, I yes, I think

443
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:06,119
Speaker 1: that being a rather observant kid, I was watching my

444
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,760
Speaker 1: parents dynamic and they always seem very happy, and I'm

445
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,439
Speaker 1: sure they are happy, and you know, I'm not going

446
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,960
Speaker 1: to speculate all that, but like their dynamic was one

447
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,880
Speaker 1: in which, like I said, everything was my dad's show

448
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,399
Speaker 1: and my mom just went along with it. And I

449
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:22,640
Speaker 1: think that that felt terrifying for me to ever be

450
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,359
Speaker 1: a passive member of my household, or a passive member

451
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,240
Speaker 1: if I have kids, somebody to be like a passive

452
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,680
Speaker 1: member in my children's life, and now like that their

453
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:32,760
Speaker 1: father be the one who's making all the decisions for

454
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,720
Speaker 1: them and teaching them and showing them and whatever. And

455
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:40,679
Speaker 1: so I feel like, maybe, honestly, it's like less of

456
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,359
Speaker 1: the fear of becoming my father, it's like more of

457
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,600
Speaker 1: the fear of becoming my mother. I was waiting for

458
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:48,280
Speaker 1: you to say that I found my way to that.

459
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:51,879
Speaker 1: I'm so glad you said that, because I think it

460
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:57,160
Speaker 1: was more painful to watch your mom than to live

461
00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:01,280
Speaker 1: with the rules and way of your dad. It was

462
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:05,439
Speaker 1: harder to watch because I think as the just like

463
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:08,600
Speaker 1: temperament you were born with, you are somebody who has

464
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,800
Speaker 1: desires and wants, and you are so open to the

465
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:15,680
Speaker 1: world and you see so many opportunities, and I think

466
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:19,439
Speaker 1: it was painful to watch your mom not have almost

467
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:21,960
Speaker 1: have her own sense of self. And that's something that

468
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,199
Speaker 1: you are. I don't want to use the word terrified

469
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:26,560
Speaker 1: because I don't want to put feelings inside of your body,

470
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,200
Speaker 1: but I think that is probably one of the biggest

471
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:34,640
Speaker 1: unconscious motivation in your being, is to not turn into

472
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,760
Speaker 1: And I think, like, yeah, agree with you. And I

473
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,840
Speaker 1: think that something that always struck me even when I

474
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,719
Speaker 1: was young, is my mom rarely talks about herself, like

475
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:46,400
Speaker 1: really rarely talks about herself. She also doesn't really talk

476
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:48,840
Speaker 1: about anybody, which is one of the most commendable things

477
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,639
Speaker 1: about her is that she I did not grow up

478
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,200
Speaker 1: with like a dramatic ship talking mom. You know, she

479
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,080
Speaker 1: just like was not engaged in any of that kinds

480
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:58,639
Speaker 1: of stuff. But occasionally, if she ever talked about herself

481
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,280
Speaker 1: or who she was when she was young, like a

482
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:03,520
Speaker 1: young woman, it sounded like a complete stranger to the

483
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,240
Speaker 1: mom I knew, And that was always what was so

484
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,560
Speaker 1: shocking to me is like my dad, if he's talking

485
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,520
Speaker 1: about himself, he's talking about who he was but also

486
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,480
Speaker 1: who he is a day he you know, if he

487
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,439
Speaker 1: ever was talking like, oh, how hard working he is,

488
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,359
Speaker 1: he pulls himself up by the bootstraps this and that,

489
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:20,199
Speaker 1: his hobbies that he really likes. My mom might have

490
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,360
Speaker 1: said something to me when I was younger, being like, oh,

491
00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:23,960
Speaker 1: what did you want to be when you grew up?

492
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,080
Speaker 1: And she out of nowhere it's like, well, I love

493
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,119
Speaker 1: to write. I always wanted to be an author and

494
00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:30,280
Speaker 1: it was my biggest past time and big stey. I've

495
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,640
Speaker 1: never known my mom to write anything. So then it's

496
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,320
Speaker 1: also like this idea of me me being very scared

497
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:37,800
Speaker 1: about being like oh as a teen and talking to

498
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,159
Speaker 1: her and knowing the things that I really enjoyed and

499
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:43,000
Speaker 1: the things that I identified with being a seventeen year

500
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,840
Speaker 1: old girl, I'm like, oh, am, I supposed to not

501
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,320
Speaker 1: care about any of these things when I have a family,

502
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,520
Speaker 1: because my mom doesn't care about any of the things

503
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,600
Speaker 1: she or doesn't seem to engage in any of the

504
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:54,720
Speaker 1: things she at one point really cared about. And it's like, oh,

505
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,119
Speaker 1: is that you know? And then of course I've developed

506
00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:59,879
Speaker 1: into like quite the hyper feminist, where then I go

507
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,480
Speaker 1: into the just traditional household roles and being like, Ah,

508
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,320
Speaker 1: no one's gonna hold me back. I'm not going to

509
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,159
Speaker 1: do those things. And yeah, this is a question for

510
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:09,480
Speaker 1: you to think about too. You might not be able

511
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,600
Speaker 1: to answer this now. But what do I need? What

512
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,760
Speaker 1: would it take? What do I need to learn? What

513
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:16,359
Speaker 1: do I need to unlearn to start to believe and

514
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:21,359
Speaker 1: trust that I can both get my needs met and

515
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,640
Speaker 1: not stifle other Well, I can get my needs met

516
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:30,320
Speaker 1: and be in a a committed relationship. And maybe there's

517
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,160
Speaker 1: a different way to say that. Maybe it's like, what

518
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:34,800
Speaker 1: do I need to believe that you can have a

519
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:39,360
Speaker 1: partnership where both people can be satisfied, both people can

520
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,080
Speaker 1: go after and and that's not what everybody wants. That's

521
00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:44,640
Speaker 1: one thing that I think is important to note here

522
00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:48,040
Speaker 1: is that some people are fine to give up. And

523
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:49,560
Speaker 1: that's kind of what I was talking about earlier when

524
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,400
Speaker 1: you're like mind reading, some people are fine to give

525
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,840
Speaker 1: up parts of their lives to satisfy other people, and

526
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:55,640
Speaker 1: they don't have any problem with it. That's not ours

527
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:59,280
Speaker 1: to judge, You're not, So what it What it will

528
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:02,080
Speaker 1: it take from need to trust and believe that I

529
00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:06,960
Speaker 1: can both get my needs meant and be in a relationship,

530
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:10,040
Speaker 1: a committed relationship. Well, this leads me to a question

531
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:12,640
Speaker 1: for you too, is to be like, do you engage

532
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:15,880
Speaker 1: or believe or have any insider opinions into this idea

533
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,000
Speaker 1: in a relationship of someone being the alpha and someone

534
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,280
Speaker 1: being the beta, or this idea of when people are like, oh,

535
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,320
Speaker 1: well they're both alphas so they'll never work out, or

536
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,639
Speaker 1: they're both betas will never work out, or oh you

537
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,479
Speaker 1: know this like idea of opposites attract versus did we

538
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:33,440
Speaker 1: talk about this? Okay? I have some feelings about this,

539
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,840
Speaker 1: so I do want to plug this book man Enough

540
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:41,440
Speaker 1: by Justin Baldoni telling everybody about you reading that book.

541
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:43,280
Speaker 1: I still haven't read it, but like, did you hear

542
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:47,040
Speaker 1: about this book man Enough? It is so good? It

543
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,400
Speaker 1: is so good. But he talks about this, and I'm

544
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,280
Speaker 1: I swear to God. While I was reading that, I

545
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:53,840
Speaker 1: was listening to this chapter. I wasn't reading it, I

546
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:57,119
Speaker 1: was listening to it, and I literally audibly, I'm like, yes, yes,

547
00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,879
Speaker 1: somebody said it. Yes, he has a whole chapter about this,

548
00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:02,640
Speaker 1: and if anybody is interested in this, go read that book,

549
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,520
Speaker 1: specifically that chapter. But I also just started listening to

550
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:07,880
Speaker 1: audiobooks the first time ever. And so do you ever

551
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:09,840
Speaker 1: say you like, I read this book, or do you

552
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:13,000
Speaker 1: say I usually say I listened to it. I already

553
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 1: like somebody asked me about something I just listened to

554
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:16,760
Speaker 1: and then I said I read it, and then immediately

555
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:20,719
Speaker 1: felt like a liar, didn't I'm read it? And then

556
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,640
Speaker 1: I'm like that, who cares? Yeah, I'm listening to his book.

557
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:28,280
Speaker 1: But so basically I will say that, like this whole

558
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,920
Speaker 1: alpha beta thing has it's debunked, Like it's not. I

559
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,080
Speaker 1: don't it's not a real thing. I can't remember the

560
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,360
Speaker 1: details of all of the research. I'll figure it out

561
00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:38,640
Speaker 1: and I'll talk about it on another episode. But what

562
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,200
Speaker 1: he does talk about is that when you talk about

563
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:44,240
Speaker 1: alpha and beta, Okay, so what does that even mean?

564
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:48,000
Speaker 1: Because I might be an alpha, which the alpha would

565
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,560
Speaker 1: be the more dominant person in the beta be the

566
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:55,920
Speaker 1: more submissive follower type. I might be an alpha at work, right,

567
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,479
Speaker 1: I might like just kill it at work and like

568
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,560
Speaker 1: I'm the boss and I'm CEO of something, I do this,

569
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:03,200
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah. Okay, Well, usually when you're really

570
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:06,000
Speaker 1: really skillful in one area, you're gonna lack skills in

571
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:10,479
Speaker 1: another area, and so I might be the alpha at

572
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:13,679
Speaker 1: like taking charge in and blah blah blah, But then

573
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:15,679
Speaker 1: I might have a beta side of me when it

574
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:20,560
Speaker 1: comes to listening and being empathetic and having patience and

575
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,560
Speaker 1: and all of that. Or I might be the alpha

576
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:27,040
Speaker 1: when it comes to like physical fitness, working out doing this,

577
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:28,399
Speaker 1: like I can tell you what to do and how

578
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 1: to do it and all that stuff, But then I

579
00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:34,520
Speaker 1: might be the beta and the more like or let's

580
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:36,560
Speaker 1: use this example, maybe like the alpha and like I

581
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,720
Speaker 1: like to like lift weights and and do CrossFit and

582
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:40,280
Speaker 1: all this stuff and blah blah, then I might be

583
00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:42,880
Speaker 1: the beta and like, okay, I need somebody to help

584
00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:46,600
Speaker 1: me do yoga and center and stay calm. You can't

585
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,520
Speaker 1: have And those aren't the best examples, But what I'm

586
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:53,080
Speaker 1: saying is you can't have the alpha side of every

587
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:56,520
Speaker 1: single part of life. It's not possible because that means

588
00:28:56,560 --> 00:29:01,040
Speaker 1: that I have to be able to be equally both everything,

589
00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:04,080
Speaker 1: which say that you to be equally both everything, that's

590
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:07,240
Speaker 1: not possible. You're gonna have strengths, and you are going

591
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,120
Speaker 1: to have weaknesses, and some of those weaknesses are because

592
00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 1: of your strength, and some of your strengths are because

593
00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:15,480
Speaker 1: of your weaknesses. So the whole alphabeta thing in a

594
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:19,320
Speaker 1: relationship doesn't make sense. I think what people are trying

595
00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:23,960
Speaker 1: to talk about is finding people that are complementary. That

596
00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:27,720
Speaker 1: whole thing just really gets me going. Also, it's just,

597
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:32,440
Speaker 1: in my opinion unkind to label somebody as such and

598
00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,600
Speaker 1: then say, because the other thing is complementary in your

599
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:38,720
Speaker 1: relationship is going to be different than complementary in my relationship.

600
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:42,960
Speaker 1: Where you might think one situation feels balanced, that might

601
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:46,600
Speaker 1: feel unbalanced to me. I might want somebody who goes

602
00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:49,880
Speaker 1: head to head to me on financial decisions and that

603
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:52,920
Speaker 1: feels good and healthy and balanced. You might want somebody

604
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:55,080
Speaker 1: who tells you exactly what to do, or that you

605
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:57,200
Speaker 1: can tell exactly what to do, and that's up to

606
00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:01,320
Speaker 1: each individual person's wants and desires in the relationship. Does

607
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:03,640
Speaker 1: that answer your question? It does? It does? I think

608
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:07,200
Speaker 1: that the yeah, the concern or where I have come

609
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:10,880
Speaker 1: up with this idea is like finding this balance of

610
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 1: in the past relationships I've been in, I certainly had

611
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,040
Speaker 1: felt like the more alpha in many areas of the relationship,

612
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,280
Speaker 1: and then in this current relationship, my men I think

613
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:24,440
Speaker 1: that we are both very strong personalities with very pinpoint agendas,

614
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:28,000
Speaker 1: like we both have agendas for today, for the next month,

615
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:32,040
Speaker 1: for next five years. And that is the challenge when

616
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,320
Speaker 1: talking like looping back to being like, God, I don't

617
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:36,000
Speaker 1: want to become my dad, nor do I want to

618
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:39,400
Speaker 1: become my mom. But it's this like fear of being like, Well,

619
00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:43,440
Speaker 1: if you have two people who have very distinct ideas

620
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:45,600
Speaker 1: of what their life should be or how they want

621
00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 1: to live their life and what that looks like, and

622
00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:50,920
Speaker 1: one of them is not like I feel like you

623
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:53,640
Speaker 1: oftentimes have somebody who is more like, hey, I want

624
00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:55,400
Speaker 1: to live close to my parents because I want this,

625
00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:57,480
Speaker 1: and none the other person's like, okay, no problem. But

626
00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:00,400
Speaker 1: if you're both like, oh, for an example, you both

627
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:01,920
Speaker 1: want to live close to your parents, but neet, your

628
00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:04,080
Speaker 1: parents don't live in the same state. But that's something

629
00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:05,600
Speaker 1: neither one of you is willing to bend on, Like

630
00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:07,880
Speaker 1: what would you you know, how do you handle somebody

631
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:10,520
Speaker 1: that's less to That has less to do with being

632
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:13,960
Speaker 1: alpha and beta and more to do with what are you,

633
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:17,280
Speaker 1: guys willing to compromise? What are you willing to sacrifice?

634
00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:19,760
Speaker 1: And what are you willing to offer and what what

635
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:21,880
Speaker 1: are you willing to do in your relationship? I think

636
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:24,680
Speaker 1: if we could throw away the alpha beta conversation and

637
00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:28,719
Speaker 1: that could be a whole different conversation on compatibility and willingness,

638
00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:31,440
Speaker 1: What am I willing to do to make this relationship work?

639
00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,320
Speaker 1: What am I not willing to do? And learning how

640
00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:38,680
Speaker 1: to have kind conversations with each other in order so

641
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:41,520
Speaker 1: you cannot both get your needs met equally all the time,

642
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:44,880
Speaker 1: but try to get your needs met the best you can,

643
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:48,800
Speaker 1: knowing that in a relationship, I'm not going to get

644
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:52,320
Speaker 1: everything I want and that's part of being in a relationship. Yeah,

645
00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:55,720
Speaker 1: a healthy one, Yeah, totally. My My mentality is always like, well,

646
00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:58,840
Speaker 1: if one of us can't get we wants, neither once

647
00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:00,720
Speaker 1: you get what we want and we to just have

648
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:04,280
Speaker 1: something fresh and different, that's a compromise for both people.

649
00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:08,440
Speaker 1: But then but that's that's fine if if you guys

650
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:11,680
Speaker 1: agree on that, and that feels right to be like, okay,

651
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:14,719
Speaker 1: if we can't decide, I think the best decision is this.

652
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:16,800
Speaker 1: If you guys both agree on that, who's to say

653
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:18,720
Speaker 1: that that's the wrong thing to do. I think I

654
00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:20,920
Speaker 1: would phrase it differently if if we can't both get

655
00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:22,600
Speaker 1: what we want and either going to get we want,

656
00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:25,160
Speaker 1: we can't. If we can't both get what we want,

657
00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:27,720
Speaker 1: how about we see if there are any other options

658
00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:31,440
Speaker 1: that we might want. Okay, so we're going to wrap

659
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:33,920
Speaker 1: this up because you know, we could be here forever,

660
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:36,239
Speaker 1: but at some point this conversation has to end for

661
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:39,240
Speaker 1: you guys out there. We'll keep talking, but I want

662
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:43,400
Speaker 1: to say in closing, thank you want to Kelly for

663
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:46,160
Speaker 1: helping us get this started in the first place, and

664
00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:48,480
Speaker 1: thank you to anybody who has joined us along the way.

665
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:50,680
Speaker 1: Truly this I mean, I would probably still do it,

666
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:53,240
Speaker 1: but the podcast wouldn't be what it is if I

667
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:55,440
Speaker 1: don't have people listening to it. I might still record

668
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:57,320
Speaker 1: them and put them out, but it wouldn't have the

669
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:59,920
Speaker 1: impact that I think it is having, which was my goal.

670
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:02,880
Speaker 1: Is to help people engage in conversations that I know

671
00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:04,480
Speaker 1: that we want to have but we just need a

672
00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:07,240
Speaker 1: little nudge to have. So thank you for joining us

673
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:11,440
Speaker 1: on this whole ride. Thank you for everybody who's helped

674
00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:13,280
Speaker 1: me do it. From I feel like I'm giving an

675
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:15,600
Speaker 1: acceptance speech for like an award that I have one,

676
00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 1: but I just wanted to say thank you, to leave

677
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:23,760
Speaker 1: supported because honestly, you hear me and you hear the guests,

678
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:25,840
Speaker 1: which obviously thank you, but there's a lot of people

679
00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:27,920
Speaker 1: behind the scenes that are helping out too that make

680
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:30,760
Speaker 1: it possible for me to do this and to do

681
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:33,680
Speaker 1: it as frequently as I'm doing it. So obviously Houston.

682
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:37,240
Speaker 1: Whoever in the world thinks that I speak eloquently, they

683
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:40,640
Speaker 1: believe that because Houston is a me like magician when

684
00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:44,400
Speaker 1: it comes to producing an edity the podcast. So thank you,

685
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:47,080
Speaker 1: and then Amy and I Heart and all the people.

686
00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,880
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm just so grateful to be able to

687
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,600
Speaker 1: host the podcast. So thank you, guys. I want to

688
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:56,280
Speaker 1: say to celebrate, we are going to do a little giveaway.

689
00:33:56,320 --> 00:33:58,840
Speaker 1: So we're going to give away you Need Therapy feel

690
00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:01,840
Speaker 1: your Feelings like package. So we're gonna give away one

691
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:03,520
Speaker 1: of the fail your Feelings shirts, one of the fail

692
00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:07,160
Speaker 1: your Feelings mugs, and I have four stickers that I

693
00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,160
Speaker 1: am gonna put in there as well, and you can

694
00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:11,839
Speaker 1: see them on Instagram. I'm not gonna just like read

695
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:13,440
Speaker 1: them all off if you want to. If you're interested

696
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:16,160
Speaker 1: in a sticker, go on Instagram. You can follow at

697
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:19,120
Speaker 1: you Need therapy podcast and at cat dot de Fata

698
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 1: and all the info will be on there about how

699
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:25,800
Speaker 1: to enter to win. Actually, I'm deciding we're going to

700
00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:28,799
Speaker 1: give away two of those, so go check those out

701
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:31,080
Speaker 1: that will be up today for you guys to enter

702
00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:34,600
Speaker 1: to celebrate and um, yeah, I don't want to end

703
00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:36,400
Speaker 1: this because I don't want to end the hundreds episode,

704
00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:38,920
Speaker 1: but it has to be done. So anything you want

705
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:40,960
Speaker 1: to say, Kelly, any last thing you want to stay

706
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:43,560
Speaker 1: with people, Oh my gosh, I'm just so honored. I'm

707
00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:45,840
Speaker 1: so honored to be the number one episode and the

708
00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:51,200
Speaker 1: hundred episode. No, I feel really grateful for what I

709
00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:53,880
Speaker 1: learned on the first episode. I did end up starting

710
00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:58,160
Speaker 1: therapy after that episode, Um, which has been super helpful

711
00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:02,040
Speaker 1: and great and so atch a welcomed moment of my

712
00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:04,759
Speaker 1: week or every other week to just like divulge and

713
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:07,120
Speaker 1: like tangent and learn things and stuff. So I've been

714
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,520
Speaker 1: really grateful for that, and I'm just so proud of

715
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:13,359
Speaker 1: you you are accepting new or all right, guys, Well,

716
00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:16,200
Speaker 1: I will be back with you on Monday, and uh,

717
00:35:16,719 --> 00:35:18,239
Speaker 1: have the rest of the week you need to have