Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central Um.
Speaker 2: Probably the most trusted journalists at Comedy Center and actually
Speaker 2: five special report The Daily Present in Decision twenty twenty
Speaker 2: four Republican National Convince Donald Trump America with your host
Speaker 2: Jordan Clopper.
Speaker 3: Welcome to the Nati shab Dot cover and we are
Speaker 3: live about El.
Speaker 4: Dear Lord.
Speaker 3: They're wrapping up the Republican National Convention as we speak.
Speaker 3: The excitement is palpable or is that soul shaking fear?
Speaker 3: They feel really similar. And then that wasn't enough news
Speaker 3: to cover in a day. There's another gigantic story, brilliant.
Speaker 3: Keep your news alerts on because the Democrats might be
Speaker 3: recasting a very big role.
Speaker 5: Breaking news about President Biden's candidacy.
Speaker 6: The New York Times sources close to President Biden say
Speaker 6: he's beginning to accept he might have to leave the race.
Speaker 3: Axio says he could drop out as soon as this weekend.
Speaker 3: It's reached almost a fever pinch. Chuck Schumer, Aqem Jeffreys,
Speaker 3: Nancy Pelosi have all had very direct conversations with President Biden.
Speaker 7: His political fate more precarious than ever.
Speaker 3: An increasingly dire moment.
Speaker 8: His fate now hanging in the balance, nearing the point
Speaker 8: of no return.
Speaker 3: We are close to the end of his candidacy. To
Speaker 3: be clear, you're talking about an eighty one year old.
Speaker 3: You gotta be clear about that. Think about how strange
Speaker 3: this moment is. In the span of one week, one
Speaker 3: candidate got shot and the other guy might drop out.
Speaker 3: I mean years from now, children will be reading about
Speaker 3: this in history books. I mean not in Florida, they
Speaker 3: won't have those, but everywhere else. And on top of
Speaker 3: that all of that, Biden has COVID, which is no
Speaker 3: joke for a man of his age, especially because this
Speaker 3: is an unusual strain where the brain fog hits you.
Speaker 3: Three weeks ago. Now for more insight on the quickly
Speaker 3: evolving state of Joe Biden's candidacy, we got full team coverage.
Speaker 3: Let's first go out to DC with Michael Costa. Michael, Oh, Michael, Michael,
Speaker 3: what's the latest, Jordan.
Speaker 8: I'm here outside Chuck Schumer's office as he tries to
Speaker 8: push Biden out of the race. But it's a very difficult,
Speaker 8: delicate situation because don't forget, he's the president, which means
Speaker 8: he holds all the keys.
Speaker 3: The metaphorical keys to power the.
Speaker 8: Rain Jordan, the actual White House keys. Yeah, they're on
Speaker 8: one of those big key and he has a clip
Speaker 8: to his belt. There's a key for the Oval office,
Speaker 8: a situation room. There's one key that just says room.
Speaker 8: We don't even know what that is. So they either
Speaker 8: have to convince Biden to give up the keys or
Speaker 8: wait for him to fall asleep and try to snake
Speaker 8: it off his belt with a broom hand.
Speaker 3: Is that really the only solution? Why can't they just
Speaker 3: get a locksmith and get new keys.
Speaker 8: I mean, I guess they could. But he's also the
Speaker 8: only one that knows the White House Amazon passwords. So
Speaker 8: what's the point of being president if you can't watch
Speaker 8: the new season.
Speaker 3: Of The Boys?
Speaker 1: Am I right?
Speaker 3: Well, if Joe Biden's an old man, his passwords probably
Speaker 3: something like Joe Biden won two three Jordan.
Speaker 8: This man is the commander in chief. I'm sure he
Speaker 8: has access to better Oh my god, that work?
Speaker 1: That was it? Correct?
Speaker 3: We're in great shame, Thanks than Michael. Let's go down
Speaker 3: line to Nancy the Loaf Desie love a Desi Desie.
Speaker 7: Dezzi.
Speaker 3: We know, we know, Chuck Schumer is trying to be
Speaker 3: sensitive what's Nancy Helosi doing.
Speaker 6: Well, she's playing a lot more hardball, Jordan. She had
Speaker 6: a meeting with Biden where she just stared at him
Speaker 6: while doing that five finger knife things. Very intimidating. She's
Speaker 6: also trying to mess with his head. She threw a
Speaker 6: pair of sneakers over a power line outside the White House.
Speaker 3: Is that a threat? Well?
Speaker 6: I don't know, but if there's one thing that freaks
Speaker 6: out old white people, it sneakers on a power line.
Speaker 6: Hod they get up there. Is it a gang sign?
Speaker 6: Is it a drug thing?
Speaker 3: Is it hip hop? Either way, it's time.
Speaker 6: To move to Florida.
Speaker 3: Wow, very fluid situation. Thank you, Dosie. Let's go out
Speaker 3: to the Capitol Hill with Ronnie Chang Rodny. Ronnie talks
Speaker 3: to me, Who are you talking to, Jordan.
Speaker 9: I'm talking to an opposing faction that standing behind Joe
Speaker 9: Biden one to telling the president to ignore the haters,
Speaker 9: stay in the race, and do as many public speaking
Speaker 9: events as possible.
Speaker 3: Wow. Which Democrats are telling them that?
Speaker 9: No, no, no, If these are the Republicans they are
Speaker 9: gong ho for Joe Biden. Jordan, this must be the
Speaker 9: unity thing that they're talking about.
Speaker 3: Hey, Ronnie Chang. Everybody, look, look, whether or not Biden's
Speaker 3: candidacy is live. We are. And the reason we're live
Speaker 3: is that it's the last night of the Republican National Convention.
Speaker 3: And well, most GOP conventions are about nominating a candidate
Speaker 3: and crashing the grinder servers. This one, look it up,
Speaker 3: this one, This one seemed to have a higher purpose.
Speaker 3: This convention is happening, frankly, by the grace of God.
Speaker 6: It is a divine intervention by God that President Trump
Speaker 6: is not dead right now.
Speaker 3: This is divine intervention.
Speaker 7: The bullet peers to President Trump at six eleven PM.
Speaker 8: Ephesian six eleven.
Speaker 2: Tells us put on the form of God, take your
Speaker 2: scene against the Devilini schemes.
Speaker 3: This was providence, God's divine providence millisecond before he fired
Speaker 3: the shot. God gilt, Yeah, a God given tilt. If
Speaker 3: you didn't believe in miracles before.
Speaker 9: Saturday, you're better believing right now, God Lord, a shill
Speaker 9: of protection.
Speaker 10: God has put an armor of protection over Donald Trump.
Speaker 3: God is not finished with him yet.
Speaker 11: I believe we all witnessed a miracle literally from you know,
Speaker 11: before it happened. The flag above got blown in the
Speaker 11: wind and it got tied into literally what looked like
Speaker 11: an angel.
Speaker 3: Divine origami. That's what we're going with. I mean, you
Speaker 3: see an angel, I see the g string from the
Speaker 3: cover of that Black CROs album. You see what you
Speaker 3: want to say. But I don't mean to nitpick God.
Speaker 3: But if God did save Trump from that bullet, he
Speaker 3: kind of procrastinated to the last second, didn't they. You
Speaker 3: could have stopped the gunman at any point during the day,
Speaker 3: but instead he waited until the bullet was in the
Speaker 3: air and went I was closed. I gotta stop looking
Speaker 3: at my phone all the time. Huh. All right, fine, fine, okay.
Speaker 3: Every cult needs a leader who was chosen by God
Speaker 3: and has taken multiple wives. I get it, all right.
Speaker 3: And plenty of people stepped up this week to sing
Speaker 3: his praises. Now, one of the most fiery speeches was
Speaker 3: from Florida Congressman Matt Gates. Although that's an old picture
Speaker 3: of that case from a long time ago. The whole week,
Speaker 3: because when he came out to speak yesterday he looked
Speaker 3: a little different.
Speaker 8: Under Trump, we prospered, we were richer, inflation was low,
Speaker 8: and there were two genders.
Speaker 3: And introducing the third.
Speaker 4: Wow.
Speaker 3: Wow, it looks like his eyebrows are reacting to a
Speaker 3: picture of his eyebrows. You can see why they chose
Speaker 3: him to make the case against Joe Biden. Inflation is
Speaker 3: so bad his forehead is now a six head. And
Speaker 3: I could make that joke because I've been battling inflation
Speaker 3: for years. But last night's big speech was from Donald
Speaker 3: Trump's new running mate, jd Vance, who wanted to introduce
Speaker 3: himself to the world. And this is what he went with.
Speaker 10: And while we're on the topic of grandparents, let me
Speaker 10: tell you another mammal story. Now, my mamma died shortly
Speaker 10: before I left for Iraq in two thousand and five.
Speaker 10: And when we went through things, we found nineteen loaded handguns.
Speaker 10: They were stashed all over her house, under her bed,
Speaker 10: in her closet, in the silverware drawer. This frail old
Speaker 10: woman made sure that no matter where she was, she
Speaker 10: was with an arm's length of whatever she needed to
Speaker 10: protect her family.
Speaker 3: That's who we fight for. That's American spirit, that's the
Speaker 3: American spirit. Unhinged paranoia.
Speaker 4: You know what.
Speaker 3: I love how gun nuts in this country are always like,
Speaker 3: we're responsible gun owners. Anyway, here's a glock I taped
Speaker 3: under my baby's crib. And let me just remind everyone
Speaker 3: that five days ago their nominee was almost taken out
Speaker 3: by an assault rifle. And I thought that might lead
Speaker 3: to a moment of introspection. But you guys are like,
Speaker 3: you know, what's hilarious how guns are everywhere. But outside
Speaker 3: of his anecdotes about Grandma john Wick, the fact was
Speaker 3: that discount Ulysses as grand did not exactly set the
Speaker 3: room on fire. But the good news for him was
Speaker 3: that the crowd was so amped they were happy to
Speaker 3: chant no matter what.
Speaker 10: Wait, I oh, oh, wait, I oh.
Speaker 3: You guys are a great brown Wow. I've never seen
Speaker 3: a crowd so pumped that it started to engage in conversation.
Speaker 4: Yes we are.
Speaker 3: Let's order food. How about time. By the way, if
Speaker 3: you're wondering why the Ohio chance is O h I oh,
Speaker 3: it's because it's the only word people from Ohio can spell.
Speaker 3: Go blue you hillbilly fat. But tonight was the final
Speaker 3: night of the RNC. It was the last chance to
Speaker 3: address the events of last Saturday. So to heal a
Speaker 3: hurdy nation, the RNC brought in their most dignified voices
Speaker 3: to deliver their message with gravity and respect.
Speaker 1: What happened last week when they took a shot and
Speaker 1: my hero and they tried to kill the next president
Speaker 1: of the United States? Enough was enough and sad looks
Speaker 1: up a menia from while brother, whoa thank you?
Speaker 3: The helid has begun. He's gonna make a great energy secretary.
Speaker 3: Now you can laugh that one of the keynote speakers
Speaker 3: on the last night of the republic Invention as a
Speaker 3: washed up fake wrestler. But I'll tell you what I think.
Speaker 3: Trump just locked up the vote of every teenager in
Speaker 3: nineteen ninety two. Okay, we heard a lot of talks.
Speaker 3: Now it's time to bring the nation together, the sober
Speaker 3: message of unity. Who's next?
Speaker 4: Everybody bestop it in me?
Speaker 3: Watch that ankle down, junior, watch that angle. Yeah, that's
Speaker 3: how you achieve unity by making our ears bleed together.
Speaker 3: Nothing riles me up like a fifty year old man
Speaker 3: yelling at a bunch of sixty year old men in
Speaker 3: suits to fight. I'll be pounding the lipidour tonight. Okay,
Speaker 3: then it was a big event. Finally it's time for
Speaker 3: Donald Trump to come out. And in case you weren't
Speaker 3: sure who he was, they put his name in big
Speaker 3: bright lights like it was the world's most famous circuit elephant.
Speaker 3: That's right, Trump's gonna be president a broadword. Once the
Speaker 3: cheers died down and the speaking began, Trump made some
Speaker 3: big promises.
Speaker 5: Four months from now, we will have an incredible victory,
Speaker 5: and we will begin the four greatest years in the
Speaker 5: history of our country.
Speaker 3: Oh, I don't know best four years? What about ninety
Speaker 3: one to ninety five? Wu Tang Nirvana on ironic fanny packs,
Speaker 3: Michael Jackson before it got too weird. You know, I'll
Speaker 3: put those four years against any in history. Now, all
Speaker 3: week we heard Trump was going to come out with
Speaker 3: a new message of unity. You know what he delivered.
Speaker 5: As Americans, we are bound together by a single fate
Speaker 5: and a shared destiny. We rise together or we fall apart.
Speaker 5: I am running to be president for all of America,
Speaker 5: not half of America, because there is no victory in
Speaker 5: winning for half of America.
Speaker 3: Which is why to be deporting the half that doesn't
Speaker 3: like me? Problem solved? You know what? You know what, No,
Speaker 3: I'm beging a hater. This is a changed man up
Speaker 3: here's calling for an end to discord. Let's hear how
Speaker 3: we can bring about this unity together.
Speaker 5: If Democrats want to unify our country, they should drop
Speaker 5: these spartas in witch hunts, which I have been going
Speaker 5: through for approximately.
Speaker 1: Eight years, and.
Speaker 3: They should do that without.
Speaker 5: Delay and allow an election to proceed that is worthy
Speaker 5: of our people.
Speaker 3: Oh how convenient. So the key to unifying the country
Speaker 3: is absolving Donald Trump of his crimes. Anything else Democrats
Speaker 3: should do America. Just think about how united the country
Speaker 3: would be if Chuck Schumer punched himself in the dick.
Speaker 3: Think about it. Come together. But then Trump went on
Speaker 3: to tell the story of his near assassination on Saturday,
Speaker 3: and for a moment I started to feel like maybe
Speaker 3: this was a different Trump, someone somber, reflective. But then
Speaker 3: he slipped in just a small nod to the Trump
Speaker 3: we've always known.
Speaker 5: They knew immediately it was a sniper, and then began
Speaker 5: pointing at him. You can see that if you look
Speaker 5: at the group behind me, that was just a small
Speaker 5: group compared to what was in front.
Speaker 3: That's how you know Trump is going to get through this.
Speaker 3: Even in the middle of a story about almost being assassinated,
Speaker 3: he felt the need to reflectively brag about his crowd
Speaker 3: size I suddenly realized how insignificant we are except by
Speaker 3: crowd size, very significant. We're all just grains of sands
Speaker 3: on a beach, although my crowd is more like a
Speaker 3: coastline big crowd, big crowd. But there was one other
Speaker 3: thing that made me realize, this is the same Trump
Speaker 3: in Wisconsin.
Speaker 5: We are spending over two hundred and fifty million dollars
Speaker 5: here creating jobs and other economic development.
Speaker 1: All over the place.
Speaker 5: So I hope you will remember this in November and
Speaker 5: give us your vote.
Speaker 3: I am trying to.
Speaker 8: Buy your vote. I'll be honest about that.
Speaker 3: He's trying to do a quit pro quoe. In the
Speaker 3: middle of his convention speech, slot out, my man, you
Speaker 3: don't get total immunity until after the election. So that
Speaker 3: was Trump's speech, A changed man who is basically the
Speaker 3: same man as before. So what do we learn from
Speaker 3: the RNC, Well, the campaign for president is basically one
Speaker 3: big job interview. The convention is where America checks the
Speaker 3: candidate's references. And to be sure, there were plenty of
Speaker 3: people willing to vouch for Donald Trump. You got ex
Speaker 3: CON's domestic commuter abusers, fake wrestlers, fake friends, his children,
Speaker 3: people sleeping with his children, and of course the esteemed
Speaker 3: mayor of Whovill. But but if this is a job interview,
Speaker 3: it's worth noting who we didn't see, most of the
Speaker 3: people who actually worked with him in the White House.
Speaker 3: And if American is going to do our due diligence,
Speaker 3: we might as well call our references to hear what
Speaker 3: they have to say about them.
Speaker 9: Anyone who puts themselves over the constitution should never be president.
Speaker 4: I think he's unfit for office.
Speaker 12: Richard Nixon looks like a choir boy next to Donald Trump.
Speaker 3: The gravest threat to democracy that we've ever seen. He
Speaker 3: failed at being the president when we needed him to be.
Speaker 1: That doesn't like to read, doesn't read briefing.
Speaker 2: Reports, absence of leadership, really anti leadership.
Speaker 1: We want to be dictator.
Speaker 11: Shouldn't be anywhere near the Oval Office.
Speaker 3: Nothing but contempt for our democratic institutions or constitute and
Speaker 3: the rule of law. The president has the understanding of
Speaker 3: a fifth or sixth grader.
Speaker 8: Red Sarson saying this about the president quote, he's an
Speaker 8: effing moron.
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, you know what, you know what good points,
Speaker 3: But did you see that flag? It looked like an angel.
Speaker 3: When we come back, voters tell us about their priorities,
Speaker 3: don't go away? Well about to the Daily Joe Weed
Speaker 3: been talking about Donald prop of the RNC all night.
Speaker 3: But did you know there are people who are completely
Speaker 3: sick of the shit. The Daily Showed news team hit
Speaker 3: the streets to find out more.
Speaker 13: We correspond are tuning into the conventions, Gus, we're getting
Speaker 13: paid to do it. But does the average American voter
Speaker 13: rather just tune it out?
Speaker 3: I'm a little election burned out. I want to talk
Speaker 3: about the election.
Speaker 8: I would rather do anything but talk about the election
Speaker 8: at this point.
Speaker 13: So we gave people a choice of topics to see
Speaker 13: how badly they don't want to talk about the election.
Speaker 3: The election or shoelacens.
Speaker 7: Okay, So the vibme I'm getting is we're not talking
Speaker 7: about the election.
Speaker 3: So we can talk about the election.
Speaker 12: Or you can help me decide a bookcase for my vendor.
Speaker 6: This good bookcase?
Speaker 4: Do you like this one? No?
Speaker 7: Would you rather talk about the election or discuss if
Speaker 7: we think orcas are still mad at us?
Speaker 3: Discussed about orcas.
Speaker 7: Like, do you think they're mad at me? Personally?
Speaker 12: If you could choose, would you rather talk about the
Speaker 12: election or why.
Speaker 3: Ties exist but you don't worried?
Speaker 12: Well, yes I am.
Speaker 3: We have two options.
Speaker 13: Would you rather talk about the election or do caliston.
Speaker 1: Let's do calisthetics? Feel that? Yeah? Feel it?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 7: Would you rather talk about the election or listen to
Speaker 7: me read through this manual? Read from the user manual? Right,
Speaker 7: it might take me in about two and a half
Speaker 7: hours to get through, but I'm.
Speaker 3: Still gonna go with the manual.
Speaker 7: Yeah, okay, all right, exciting? How do I find my
Speaker 7: preferred psycho and vacuum levels? Every every mom reacts differently
Speaker 7: to psycho and vacuum levels. This is about breastfeeding. Start
Speaker 7: low and work your way up to a comfortable and
Speaker 7: productive level. What do I do if milk gets in
Speaker 7: the tubing?
Speaker 5: Shit?
Speaker 7: Luckily I have this manual, so it may cause harmful interference.
Speaker 7: You're still listening, right, yes, okay, because it's so much
Speaker 7: better than the elections.
Speaker 13: And yeah, so we could talk about the election, or
Speaker 13: you could describe to me what shrimp tastes like without
Speaker 13: saying the word shrimp.
Speaker 8: Wet and bainie.
Speaker 13: All right, Oh, okay, I really like shrimp fair enough.
Speaker 3: But then again, it's better than talking about the election.
Speaker 12: So if you could choose if we were having a conversation,
Speaker 12: talk about the election, or listen to me read a
Speaker 12: list of all the lakes in Minnesota.
Speaker 3: Oh, I totally would love to hear about Minnesota.
Speaker 12: Okay, bacs, bad acts, bad medicine, badger, bakers, bakers, bakers, yeah, bakers, bakers.
Speaker 3: This is better than talking about the election.
Speaker 7: Would you rather talk about the election or give me
Speaker 7: five compliments?
Speaker 3: Give you five?
Speaker 7: All right, hurry up for the rise. I'll think that
Speaker 7: you're lying. Okay, well you're very pretty.
Speaker 3: Shut it, held up.
Speaker 7: I love your hair. Oh my god, you dress very cute.
Speaker 7: Thank you that I didn't do it myself. I love
Speaker 7: both jewelry me too, And it's actually real. If I'm
Speaker 7: being honest, it's just very nice. Is that so nice?
Speaker 3: I can really flip.
Speaker 8: On people, by the way.
Speaker 12: Okay, we can talk about the election, or you can
Speaker 12: put your hand in this mystery box.
Speaker 10: Off put my hand, mister.
Speaker 11: Okay, Oh my goodness.
Speaker 12: The election has been hard and I just wanted to
Speaker 12: hook someone's hands.
Speaker 13: Yeah, a few more months so we could talk about
Speaker 13: the election, or we could do three uninterrupted minutes of
Speaker 13: eye contact.
Speaker 1: Let's go by contact.
Speaker 4: Really, Yeah, that was.
Speaker 13: That was intense. Uh, it was a lot, but it
Speaker 13: was better.
Speaker 3: Than talking everybody here grade school. It's been Troy wanted,
Speaker 3: Josh shot. So we'll be right back. Goay. That's our
Speaker 3: show for tonight. The Daily Show will be off next week,
Speaker 3: but we'll return to Live twenty nine right around when
Speaker 3: twelve finishes. This steam now here it is.
Speaker 1: You're love it to den Well, let me tell you something, brother,
Speaker 1: You know something. When I came here tonight, there was
Speaker 1: so much energy in this room I felt maybe I
Speaker 1: was in Madison swear Garden getting ready to win another
Speaker 1: world title.
Speaker 2: Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 2: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 3: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten.
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