WEBVTT - Confronting Mental Illness 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.480 Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.480 --> 0:00:05.840 Red Table Talk podcast. All your favorite episodes from the 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:10.040 Facebook Watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:13.120 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:19.880 on Apple podcasts. Mental health and mental well being was 0:00:20.200 --> 0:00:24.720 a top request from our Red Table Talk family. Joining 0:00:24.760 --> 0:00:28.360 us at the table today is Kick Cutty. When I 0:00:28.480 --> 0:00:33.519 heard that Cutty had been struggling with mental health issues, 0:00:34.120 --> 0:00:38.519 I related deeply because of having to deal with my 0:00:38.560 --> 0:00:43.199 own suicidal thoughts, my own depression. Kick Cutty is an 0:00:43.200 --> 0:00:47.160 award winning hip hop icon and an inspiration to millions. 0:00:47.520 --> 0:00:49.480 Kick Cutty is one of the main dudes I listened 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:52.040 to you all the time. He saved my life. You 0:00:52.320 --> 0:00:54.840 saved my life. I would to kill myself, but that 0:00:54.920 --> 0:00:57.800 there's me. Any if you're twenty five and under, I 0:00:58.680 --> 0:01:02.040 truly believe that Kick Cutty say of joy. This usually 0:01:02.280 --> 0:01:05.320 very private star shocked his fans with a Facebook post 0:01:05.600 --> 0:01:10.200 revealing his struggle with anxiety, depression, and suicidal urges. Cut 0:01:10.200 --> 0:01:14.679 He shared this time I fixed me. Being that he's 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:18.440 his hip hop icon, a lot of people would think 0:01:18.440 --> 0:01:21.560 that he would be exempt from that kind of suffering, 0:01:23.400 --> 0:01:36.200 but he's not. None of us are here. We are 0:01:36.240 --> 0:01:40.640 at the red table ladies once again. Today's subject matter 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:45.320 is mental illness. I think there's such a stigma and oh, absolutely, 0:01:45.600 --> 0:01:50.160 you know. And I think also how we define it. 0:01:51.680 --> 0:01:58.360 I call it emotional. Oh, because mental illness can be 0:01:58.440 --> 0:02:03.040 a little extreme. Sometimes think that emotional illness can cause 0:02:03.160 --> 0:02:08.959 mental disturbances. Sometimes the chemicals are just you know, just 0:02:09.760 --> 0:02:12.960 all that. That's a lot of what mental illnesses. Yeah, 0:02:13.080 --> 0:02:16.519 the root of it could be emotional instability. The root 0:02:16.560 --> 0:02:20.760 of it could be the final imbalanceal imbalanced. I would 0:02:20.840 --> 0:02:25.239 say for me, I had an emotional breakdown that definitely 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:31.160 I feel like affected my mental stability. I had gotten 0:02:31.160 --> 0:02:33.160 to l A and gotten a certain amount of success 0:02:33.160 --> 0:02:36.880 and realized that that wasn't the answer, that that wasn't 0:02:36.919 --> 0:02:39.960 what was going to make everything okay. Actually made things worse, 0:02:40.800 --> 0:02:49.400 and I became extremely suicidal and I had complete emotional collapse. 0:02:50.520 --> 0:02:53.440 How old was that the twenty I guess I called 0:02:53.560 --> 0:02:56.320 gam in a panic. It's like when you just don't 0:02:56.360 --> 0:03:01.280 have control over your emotions, your your all. You feel 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:04.079 completely and utterly out of control. And I don't even 0:03:04.160 --> 0:03:06.760 think at that particular point of time, I understood what 0:03:06.840 --> 0:03:09.600 I was going through. Now I know that it was 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:13.720 what people would consider a nervous breaking. I absolutely understood 0:03:13.720 --> 0:03:16.480 that I didn't know what was going on. I understood it. 0:03:16.520 --> 0:03:18.519 But it was also a time where I really felt 0:03:18.560 --> 0:03:23.120 really powerless, you know, like I didn't know and I 0:03:23.240 --> 0:03:25.240 really know what to do to help her. I know 0:03:25.360 --> 0:03:30.320 we needed professional help, but yeah, you cannot manage yourself. 0:03:30.560 --> 0:03:33.360 Every moment of the day. You're talking to yourself, trying 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:37.960 to keep yourself on track, like don't do that, trying 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:39.720 to keep yourself safe, trying to keep you trying to 0:03:39.800 --> 0:03:42.240 keep yourself from hurting, from hurting yourself, trying to keep 0:03:42.280 --> 0:03:46.800 yourself from other people realizing that something's wrong. But they 0:03:46.880 --> 0:03:49.520 know something's wrong because every minute I was just bursting 0:03:49.520 --> 0:03:52.960 into tears and didn't know why, you know, and just 0:03:52.960 --> 0:03:56.000 trying to figure out how to deal with the pain 0:03:56.120 --> 0:03:59.240 that you're feeling inside. I don't know why. I felt like, 0:03:59.360 --> 0:04:02.120 for some reason, and once I became successful, that I 0:04:02.160 --> 0:04:07.720 would be kind of like exempt, bro, you know what 0:04:07.720 --> 0:04:10.280 I mean, thinking, Oh, all of my problems are going 0:04:10.320 --> 0:04:14.760 to go away now that you know I'm successful. Exactly money, exactly, 0:04:15.200 --> 0:04:17.279 you know. I was in an environment. For such a 0:04:17.320 --> 0:04:21.560 long time, I got stuck in a mentality that even 0:04:21.600 --> 0:04:23.400 with success, it was very hard for me to get 0:04:23.440 --> 0:04:28.520 out of, meaning like not really being able to embrace 0:04:28.560 --> 0:04:31.280 the opportunity that I had. I was still holding on 0:04:31.520 --> 0:04:37.359 to the idea of deprivation and loss and having a 0:04:37.360 --> 0:04:41.480 lot of guilt and shame that came with my success, 0:04:41.520 --> 0:04:43.880 like you have to leave so many people behind, and 0:04:43.920 --> 0:04:47.720 that was depressed. How do you guys feel about because 0:04:47.800 --> 0:04:50.160 you know, this is always a big controversy too, is 0:04:50.640 --> 0:04:55.279 adding medication For some people it does help. They put 0:04:55.320 --> 0:04:59.400 me on prozac for it was like five milligrams, but 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:02.360 once to disrupted my sex drive. I said, look, that's 0:05:02.400 --> 0:05:04.600 the only thing I got in my life. I was like, 0:05:04.640 --> 0:05:09.840 that's the one thing that particularly up. That was the 0:05:09.839 --> 0:05:12.200 thing that got me off of prozac. They had put 0:05:12.240 --> 0:05:13.920 me on it to just get me to a place 0:05:13.960 --> 0:05:16.680 where I could talk about what was happening, and then 0:05:16.680 --> 0:05:20.120 where you could function, where I could function get up 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:25.159 in the morning exactly, you couldn't get up like I 0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:29.000 was severely depressed, severely and that was something that I 0:05:29.080 --> 0:05:33.839 battled with four years. Waking up in the morning was 0:05:33.920 --> 0:05:37.640 like the worst part of the dead, it's just like huh. 0:05:38.360 --> 0:05:41.440 And then it would take me, it would take me 0:05:41.560 --> 0:05:43.880 hours to just get into and so by the time 0:05:44.000 --> 0:05:46.159 like the evening time came, I was like I was 0:05:46.200 --> 0:05:50.120 at least like okay, yeah, I'm good. But then you 0:05:50.120 --> 0:05:54.400 go to sleep again and then you restarted. Yeah, you 0:05:54.480 --> 0:05:58.240 gotta restart. And so then once I got off the prozac, 0:05:58.680 --> 0:06:02.680 I went on a long, long, long, long journey. I 0:06:02.760 --> 0:06:06.080 learned how to manage it to a certain degree, but 0:06:06.160 --> 0:06:09.800 it was a struggle finding your own path. And that 0:06:10.360 --> 0:06:12.919 it's difficult too, because like we went through a couple 0:06:12.960 --> 0:06:16.280 of therapists, just therapy just didn't work. And that's not 0:06:16.320 --> 0:06:19.880 to say that that's not the path for some people. 0:06:20.440 --> 0:06:25.039 Medication does work. I'm absolutely therapy does work. So not 0:06:25.160 --> 0:06:29.400 only does it work, but it's it's necessary medication. So 0:06:29.640 --> 0:06:31.560 I just had to find my path, which is why 0:06:31.640 --> 0:06:35.160 it probably took as long as it did. And you know, now, 0:06:35.200 --> 0:06:39.440 thankfully I don't get depressed. You know. I also think 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:42.800 that I had to uproot some false beliefs and I 0:06:42.800 --> 0:06:46.080 had to just let go, you know, and just come 0:06:46.160 --> 0:06:48.880 to terms with just what life is and what your 0:06:48.920 --> 0:06:51.880 life right, what my life is. It was at the time. 0:06:52.920 --> 0:06:56.599 We have one of the most influential artists, one of 0:06:56.640 --> 0:07:01.240 my favorite artists, this particular artists. He has been a 0:07:01.279 --> 0:07:07.040 superstar icon voice of the children of this generation, my kids. 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:13.320 He has been their inspiration, their motivation. Yeah, and as 0:07:13.320 --> 0:07:16.000 a mom, I'm so grateful for him because he's been 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:19.880 so good to my children. And it's kid cutting and 0:07:20.480 --> 0:07:32.000 kid cutty. He um, he's had it was good good. 0:07:32.680 --> 0:07:36.600 I'm the grandmother. Have a scene. Now I have to 0:07:36.680 --> 0:07:38.800 have just a mom fan moment. Can I do that 0:07:38.840 --> 0:07:42.880 for a second. It's very rare that people get to 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:47.080 meet their idols, right, and not only get to meet 0:07:47.080 --> 0:07:49.560 their idols, but their idols live up to who they 0:07:49.680 --> 0:07:53.800 have imagined them to be. And you have been just 0:07:53.880 --> 0:07:57.680 such a huge inspiration to every child in this house. 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:02.440 And then but then that the opportunity to hang with you, 0:08:02.560 --> 0:08:06.240 work with you, with you, you know, to have your support. 0:08:06.640 --> 0:08:08.880 As a mom, I just want to thank you. Oh, 0:08:08.920 --> 0:08:15.600 that's no problem. Phenomenal job and will they are amazing. 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:19.320 I have to be honest, I'm sixty five, I'm not 0:08:19.400 --> 0:08:25.160 fulfiliar with your music, But do you understand the effect 0:08:25.240 --> 0:08:30.640 that you have on your fan base? Like Willow and 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:35.400 Jaden and Trey even just crazy about it seems like 0:08:35.640 --> 0:08:39.480 the whole generation, the whole generation. Do you understand that 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:44.200 about yourself? It's kind of crazy. I tell me if 0:08:44.240 --> 0:08:46.160 I'm wrong. But I feel like at a certain point, 0:08:46.240 --> 0:08:48.840 like when you hear it so much and when it's 0:08:48.840 --> 0:08:51.640 so apparent, you're like, I get it, and I wanna 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:54.679 I wanna live up to that, you know, And well 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:57.560 that's where most of the bad stuff came in, because 0:08:57.559 --> 0:08:59.080 I was like, I have to live up to be 0:08:59.200 --> 0:09:03.960 this person exactly, and I don't feel like that. Yeah. Yeah, 0:09:04.480 --> 0:09:08.600 like doing a comedy, but you're miserable. It's like my 0:09:08.679 --> 0:09:11.560 life was like this show and I was always supposed 0:09:11.559 --> 0:09:14.840 to be on, but like when the show was over, 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:20.440 I was completely miserable. For a long time. I was 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:23.920 not happy when I woke up in the morning. It 0:09:24.040 --> 0:09:26.840 started off with something simple as that, just being like, 0:09:26.920 --> 0:09:30.600 why don't I feel okay? Yeah, you know, and not 0:09:30.679 --> 0:09:32.560 really knowing what that was. I thought maybe it was 0:09:32.559 --> 0:09:35.240 stress or something. At that point, I was doing an 0:09:35.240 --> 0:09:37.280 album every year, so I thought maybe I was just 0:09:37.480 --> 0:09:39.840 overdoing it and I needed to take a break. It 0:09:39.880 --> 0:09:42.040 took me a minute to realize there was something going 0:09:42.080 --> 0:09:44.520 wrong with me. I thought I was past this in 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:47.920 my life, you know, so you had experienced it before, Yeah, 0:09:47.960 --> 0:09:51.360 I did. Ten I was dealing with drugs at that time. 0:09:51.480 --> 0:09:53.120 I kind of got to that place of like, you 0:09:53.160 --> 0:09:55.280 know what, I'm in the party a little bit to 0:09:55.360 --> 0:09:59.240 try to like doctor this up and maybe maybe that 0:09:59.320 --> 0:10:03.680 will be okay. You know. That was before I kind 0:10:03.679 --> 0:10:07.200 of dealt with being famous and being successful and all that, 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:10.560 because that was weird for me early on. It happened 0:10:10.600 --> 0:10:14.880 really fast for me, and like nobody coached me, no, 0:10:14.880 --> 0:10:19.360 no mentorship, Like I just was kind of like, yeah, 0:10:20.000 --> 0:10:24.000 I was a kid, is still a kid, you know. 0:10:24.480 --> 0:10:27.080 And it was a shock for me. And it was 0:10:27.200 --> 0:10:30.360 drugs that helped me find my footage, you know what 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:32.679 I'm saying. It was like, oh, maybe if I tried drugs, 0:10:32.720 --> 0:10:34.760 maybe I could be okay. We're in the studio too 0:10:34.880 --> 0:10:37.800 late night to like the wee hours. And that was 0:10:37.800 --> 0:10:42.040 the first time I tried cocaine. And from there it 0:10:42.120 --> 0:10:44.200 was just like I was on it. So then I 0:10:44.240 --> 0:10:46.600 got arrested and I got off of it quick cold turkey. 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:51.280 I thought that was behind me. Fast forward to this 0:10:51.360 --> 0:10:54.520 album coming out two thousand and sixteen. I was editing 0:10:54.520 --> 0:10:56.679 the videos after after we did the video, which was 0:10:56.840 --> 0:11:02.040 really one of the best experiences. The music video was 0:11:02.080 --> 0:11:05.360 crazy because it was like that smile in the video, 0:11:05.480 --> 0:11:07.480 you know that that was a happy moment before it 0:11:07.520 --> 0:11:10.640 really got bad. Like I was happy with my work, 0:11:11.240 --> 0:11:15.080 but when I wasn't at work, it was a nightmare it. 0:11:15.240 --> 0:11:17.000 You know, I'm just trying to keep it together because 0:11:17.880 --> 0:11:21.839 Kick Cutty, everybody's like he Roll and this person that 0:11:22.000 --> 0:11:23.880 you look up to. So I didn't want to let 0:11:23.880 --> 0:11:28.680 anybody down, you know. But the same old thing. To 0:11:29.040 --> 0:11:32.800 find my footing, I chose to use drugs. So like 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:36.800 I'm editing these videos, I'm sneaking off, I'm doing cocaine 0:11:36.840 --> 0:11:41.160 in the bathroom, getting loaded, drinking every day, like back 0:11:41.200 --> 0:11:43.600 to like how I used to do it all day long, 0:11:44.000 --> 0:11:46.080 and just going to the bathroom and just like doing 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:48.440 a couple of bumps. So did you feel like your 0:11:48.720 --> 0:11:54.760 depression was a result of the using Did you feel 0:11:54.800 --> 0:11:58.160 like you were depressed already and you were using to 0:11:58.280 --> 0:12:02.360 try to manage your depression, that you were using to 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:05.640 try to manage the depression that already was there, right right, 0:12:06.200 --> 0:12:08.720 Anybody tried to reach out to you and be like, hey, 0:12:08.760 --> 0:12:12.000 what's up, Like, not really because it's a very private thing. 0:12:12.280 --> 0:12:14.840 I was dealing with my alone. I never like did 0:12:14.920 --> 0:12:17.560 drugs around a bunch of people. Like there's nobody in 0:12:17.559 --> 0:12:19.400 this industry that can say, oh, yeah, I was with 0:12:19.440 --> 0:12:22.880 Cutty and we did some game, Like I was really 0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:28.199 good at keeping my troubles hidden, even from your friends, 0:12:28.320 --> 0:12:30.960 even from my friends. I understand, Like, I really like 0:12:31.600 --> 0:12:35.920 good with that. You can become a master about. And 0:12:35.960 --> 0:12:38.719 it's like scary because it's when you hear people say like, well, 0:12:38.760 --> 0:12:41.560 I had no clue, and then they feel like I 0:12:41.600 --> 0:12:42.800 want to be your friend, like I want to be 0:12:42.840 --> 0:12:44.679 there for you, and it's like, dang, you're going through 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:47.240 all of this and I was so unaware. Like that 0:12:47.320 --> 0:12:49.040 kind of makes them feel like damn, like I'm not 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:52.040 really doing my job as a friend trying to you know. 0:12:52.320 --> 0:12:54.520 It's sometimes when I let them know that it's not 0:12:54.600 --> 0:12:58.640 their fault, right, it was me. You know. I really 0:12:58.880 --> 0:13:01.160 went out my way to keep what I was going 0:13:01.200 --> 0:13:05.559 through hidden because I was ashamed. Wow, that's interesting, But 0:13:05.760 --> 0:13:08.720 I think that's why I quit the first time, because 0:13:08.720 --> 0:13:11.480 I got arrested and then everybody knew by it. But 0:13:11.559 --> 0:13:13.400 it wasn't like I quit for the right reasons. I 0:13:13.400 --> 0:13:16.960 didn't quit because it wasn't good for me. But I 0:13:17.040 --> 0:13:21.000 was really worried and I kind of like had that 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:23.560 moment when I was just like do I really want 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:26.600 to get back on drugs and do cocaine again? Like 0:13:26.679 --> 0:13:30.679 do I really want to take this journey? At thirty two? 0:13:31.320 --> 0:13:34.320 You know? I woke up one morning and I was 0:13:34.360 --> 0:13:42.319 just thinking like, man, this isn't healthy, and I don't 0:13:42.360 --> 0:13:48.120 know what else to do but get some help and 0:13:48.480 --> 0:13:51.240 find someplace I can go. And I found a place. 0:13:52.520 --> 0:13:55.959 My buddy didn't comes over and I'm like, I think 0:13:55.960 --> 0:13:58.760 I need to go to rehab, and he's like yes, 0:13:59.559 --> 0:14:01.800 because he's just like he's just like what, I'm with you. 0:14:01.840 --> 0:14:05.320 I'm supportive, you know. So then I was like, Okay, 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:07.880 the only way I'm going to go to rehab is 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:11.240 if I get loaded. That's that's the only way. And 0:14:11.280 --> 0:14:13.280 I found out that that's a lot of people go 0:14:13.400 --> 0:14:19.040 to rehab loaded absolutely, because that's your last opportunity if 0:14:19.120 --> 0:14:21.800 you're serious about it has to be. So you were 0:14:21.880 --> 0:14:26.000 loaded on your liquor? How long were you there for? 0:14:26.240 --> 0:14:29.440 I was there for a month. Yeah, you did your 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:35.200 full time, man, So what help do you think you 0:14:35.280 --> 0:14:38.600 received from the treatment? Because it had for you, it 0:14:38.720 --> 0:14:42.600 had to have been more than just not using Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. 0:14:43.200 --> 0:14:47.040 It was a lot of talking. One thing that I 0:14:47.080 --> 0:14:49.320 didn't have in my life, you know, like I don't 0:14:50.360 --> 0:14:53.120 like working through your emotions, talking about the core of it, 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:56.520 like yeah, And I don't think I ever really did 0:14:56.520 --> 0:15:00.160 that in my life, Like I never really like thought about, Ah, 0:15:00.360 --> 0:15:03.000 why am I depressed? Were you able to reach that 0:15:03.080 --> 0:15:06.160 core of sadness? Yeah, because you know, I thought that 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:08.480 it was stuff from years ago when I was a kid, 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:11.560 like for my father dying when I was eleven, and 0:15:12.360 --> 0:15:14.640 you know, and then my cousin dying and my favorite 0:15:14.720 --> 0:15:16.760 uncle dying like three years in a row. It was 0:15:16.800 --> 0:15:21.400 just like realizing these things and being okay with it, 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:24.240 finding peace with it, you know, because I don't think 0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:28.120 I ever really found peace with my father's death. There 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:29.720 was nobody that came to me and asked me if 0:15:29.720 --> 0:15:32.040 I was all right with that. It just happened. So 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:35.840 what happened to your dad? He passed away from cancer? Okay? 0:15:36.360 --> 0:15:39.880 I was so. My mom and dad divorced when I 0:15:39.920 --> 0:15:42.120 was three, but my dad was very much in my life. 0:15:42.880 --> 0:15:44.760 And I'm the youngest of for so I was a baby. 0:15:45.200 --> 0:15:48.040 So yeah, that was really tough for me. What tools 0:15:48.040 --> 0:15:54.800 were you given in order to deal with your feelings? Um, 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:58.200 whenever those feelings of depression come up? I know for 0:15:58.320 --> 0:16:01.800 me personally, that's been a bit part of my journey, 0:16:01.840 --> 0:16:06.080 just along the way, just constantly grabbing Okay, this tool works. 0:16:06.120 --> 0:16:08.480 You know. Even sometimes at night I'll go to the 0:16:08.520 --> 0:16:11.880 beach and just sit with the ocean. You know, as 0:16:11.960 --> 0:16:16.040 simple as that might be, it brings me happiness, you know, right, Well, 0:16:16.040 --> 0:16:18.040 that's what some of the things would be like, you know, 0:16:18.720 --> 0:16:21.600 finding the things that make you happy, doing those things, right, 0:16:21.920 --> 0:16:25.200 So even something that's simple is just like getting outside 0:16:25.560 --> 0:16:29.200 seeing things, you know, and and then talking. Like me 0:16:29.240 --> 0:16:32.560 and my mom have an excellent relationship, So like talking 0:16:32.600 --> 0:16:34.480 to her more because I didn't really talk to her 0:16:34.520 --> 0:16:37.040 about what was going on. You know. Did you not 0:16:37.080 --> 0:16:39.200 talk to her because you felt like you were burdening 0:16:39.200 --> 0:16:42.040 her or I just didn't want to worry, you know. 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:47.840 I so understand that. So get that, and you're you're 0:16:47.880 --> 0:16:49.760 thinking in your mind, I got this. I don't need 0:16:49.840 --> 0:16:52.800 to bring anybody else into this until eventually you're in 0:16:52.840 --> 0:16:58.480 the hole so deep, you like, somebody better come home, 0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:05.280 love it, Mommy, get me. It's bad, it's bad you 0:17:05.359 --> 0:17:09.720 don't come down. Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm blessed to 0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:12.280 just have that with my mom and have that connection 0:17:12.320 --> 0:17:14.800 with my family and my siblings, you know, and that 0:17:14.880 --> 0:17:17.760 they were there for me. It's really awesome. Yeah, that's 0:17:17.840 --> 0:17:22.320 that's that's so important. That brings up a big point Cutti, 0:17:22.480 --> 0:17:27.200 is like we have to have trust that people can help. 0:17:27.880 --> 0:17:30.879 How long have you been clean now, Um, it's been 0:17:31.760 --> 0:17:36.119 two years to half years. Yeah, that's good. It's a 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:38.720 beautiful thing. I think just getting back out into the 0:17:38.760 --> 0:17:41.960 world doing what I love again has really been big 0:17:42.000 --> 0:17:45.560 for me, you know. Um. But then also spending time 0:17:45.600 --> 0:17:50.119 with my daughter. Oh yes, I was your and my 0:17:50.200 --> 0:17:53.800 daughter is my world. So that's really what helped me 0:17:54.240 --> 0:17:58.000 snap out of it and get some help because she's everything, 0:17:58.480 --> 0:18:04.200 you know, that's my little homie. We need those things, 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:09.080 I know, for my kids. Lord, they definitely kept me 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:13.560 from doing some deep destructive, self destructive things, you know, 0:18:13.960 --> 0:18:16.280 and they just kept me on the path until I 0:18:16.280 --> 0:18:19.919 could find the answer for myself. It is important for 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:22.000 those of us who are going through a difficult time 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:25.240 to find that thing that can just keep my head 0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:28.520 above water, you know, and that's sometimes that's if that's 0:18:28.520 --> 0:18:32.679 all we have, that's okay, you know, it's okay. What 0:18:32.760 --> 0:18:35.720 keeps on coming back is this emotional and mental illness. 0:18:35.760 --> 0:18:37.800 And I feel like I've been seeing so much of 0:18:37.840 --> 0:18:43.400 that recently, UM, like with Mac Miller passing and that 0:18:43.400 --> 0:18:47.880 that just like took me for a loop because so 0:18:48.040 --> 0:18:53.479 many young people are just dying because of trying to 0:18:54.280 --> 0:18:58.320 satiate those emotions with drugs. I'm just seeing it more 0:18:58.359 --> 0:19:01.320 and I feel like it's becoming such a huge problem 0:19:01.359 --> 0:19:07.960 amongst the youth. While new Mac and um, it was 0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:10.800 just one of those things that was devastating and I 0:19:10.920 --> 0:19:14.600 still have a hard time dealing with it. He was 0:19:14.640 --> 0:19:19.560 a sweet kid, had a big heart, He was really nice, 0:19:19.640 --> 0:19:23.960 he was he was awesome. UM. So his struggles with 0:19:24.080 --> 0:19:28.520 addiction was not a secret, right like yours was a secret. Yeah. 0:19:28.560 --> 0:19:31.400 I think I think towards the people found out what 0:19:31.440 --> 0:19:33.800 he was dealing with. It seems like to me, though, 0:19:33.840 --> 0:19:38.919 these mental issues that we have, whether it's depression, UM, 0:19:39.080 --> 0:19:45.480 how it tends to cross over into um drugs as 0:19:45.480 --> 0:19:50.480 a solution, but that it starts with with emotional. Yeah, 0:19:50.960 --> 0:19:56.560 some kind of mental necessity. I have anxiety or you know, 0:19:56.800 --> 0:19:59.160 I'm depressed. So this is the thing that keeps me 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:02.239 able to do I work teached me afloat. You know, 0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:04.280 you're anxious, you had a hard day. What do you 0:20:04.280 --> 0:20:07.480 do when you come home for work? You get a drink? Right? 0:20:08.080 --> 0:20:11.959 You know. I didn't know mac Miller, but once again, 0:20:13.440 --> 0:20:17.080 when I looked at his circumstances, I just felt for 0:20:17.160 --> 0:20:20.240 him because I just I knew. I was like, that 0:20:20.320 --> 0:20:23.280 could have been me easily, you know, because I was 0:20:23.320 --> 0:20:27.439 the same way in my depression, using ecstasy, drinking a 0:20:27.480 --> 0:20:31.280 whole lot, you know, and smoking a bunch of weed 0:20:31.640 --> 0:20:36.879 and trying to just find some peace in my mind. 0:20:37.560 --> 0:20:42.040 It's like I knew I was doing ecstasy because I 0:20:42.080 --> 0:20:49.240 wanted the party. I was doing ecstasy we and a 0:20:49.320 --> 0:20:58.680 bottle of cavassi, A okay, because I wanted to get right. 0:21:00.280 --> 0:21:04.080 I wasn't making the connection, and I knew. I was like, 0:21:04.960 --> 0:21:07.440 and maybe it had to do with because of my 0:21:07.520 --> 0:21:11.159 history with you, but it's like I knew I was 0:21:11.200 --> 0:21:13.920 on my on the course to addiction. I was very 0:21:13.920 --> 0:21:16.119 clear about that. I was just like, all right, we're 0:21:16.119 --> 0:21:18.760 gonna keep talking. This proud baby, We're gonna see we 0:21:19.040 --> 0:21:24.480 thank you. But just now you know what I'm saying. 0:21:24.720 --> 0:21:27.399 So maybe we're just all in a whole lot of 0:21:27.400 --> 0:21:29.919 pain and we just give it. It's just like bunk it. 0:21:31.960 --> 0:21:37.240 We all and this makes us feel good, period. And 0:21:37.400 --> 0:21:39.800 the law it's It's really interesting though. It's something I 0:21:39.840 --> 0:21:43.000 have to keep I have to keep exploring and think about. 0:21:43.600 --> 0:21:45.800 The One thing that I've learned about the Red Table 0:21:45.960 --> 0:21:50.200 is that testimony is so much more powerful than even advice, 0:21:50.320 --> 0:21:56.040 like just people to know they're not alone. Real talk guys, 0:21:56.080 --> 0:22:01.760 thank you, thank you. Yeah, this is awesome. Yeah, definitely 0:22:02.000 --> 0:22:03.960 that was it. But I do want to introduce this 0:22:04.200 --> 0:22:11.359 somebody from our staff. Cutty. I got the end of 0:22:11.440 --> 0:22:14.320 Ghosts tattoos on my arm. I hope they understand that. 0:22:14.320 --> 0:22:19.280 I really understand that they don't understand. Yeah, I had 0:22:19.280 --> 0:22:21.760 to get it. Man. Ad meant a lot to me personally. 0:22:21.960 --> 0:22:24.400 But I went through a lot when I was When 0:22:24.440 --> 0:22:27.440 I was younger, my brother was killed and when I 0:22:27.520 --> 0:22:29.960 was first grade, I think we went to visit my grandmother. 0:22:30.040 --> 0:22:32.840 She was in the hospital and she ended up passing 0:22:32.880 --> 0:22:35.800 that day. Three or four years later, my cousin was 0:22:35.920 --> 0:22:39.280 murdered in the drive bine in southern California. All that happened, 0:22:39.400 --> 0:22:41.840 and I try not to not to care about like 0:22:41.960 --> 0:22:44.240 people around me or things around me, and just shut 0:22:44.280 --> 0:22:47.080 everything off, bottle everything in. And I started getting a 0:22:47.160 --> 0:22:50.159 lot of trouble, like fighting, trouble with the police. Like 0:22:50.520 --> 0:22:52.240 I didn't have any friends at that moment. I just 0:22:52.280 --> 0:22:54.800 moved and Man on the Move two had just came out. 0:22:55.040 --> 0:22:57.240 Every single day, I think I listened to that album. 0:22:57.320 --> 0:23:00.560 The album like helped get it like all way more 0:23:00.600 --> 0:23:08.760 than I think anything else did. Yeah, right on to 0:23:08.880 --> 0:23:11.000 join the Red Table Talk family and become a part 0:23:11.040 --> 0:23:14.720 of the conversation. Follow us at facebook dot com slash 0:23:14.760 --> 0:23:17.639 red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of 0:23:17.640 --> 0:23:21.840 Red Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio, 0:23:22.160 --> 0:23:23.200 and I Heart Radio.