1 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:11,960 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:24,600 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, 5 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:29,280 Speaker 1: and welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. 6 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,840 Speaker 1: Wherever you are in the world, it is so great 7 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,279 Speaker 1: to have you here. Back for another episode, and this 8 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:41,000 Speaker 1: week we're tackling a rather big, scary topic in our twenties, 9 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,480 Speaker 1: one that I imagine many of us have struggled with at 10 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:48,640 Speaker 1: some point in our lives, especially during this decade. We're 11 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 1: going to take a dive into the psychology behind the loneliness, 12 00:00:53,159 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 1: both the good and the bad, and kind of reach 13 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 1: some conclusions not only about the origins of loneliness during 14 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:06,320 Speaker 1: this decade, what it means for our wellbeing, how to 15 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:10,839 Speaker 1: quote unquote cure this feeling, but also how to feel 16 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:16,440 Speaker 1: comfortable with being alone and embrace loneliness as an important 17 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:20,840 Speaker 1: part of our growth. I think we are really kind 18 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:24,280 Speaker 1: of sold this contrived narrative that our twenties are this 19 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: golden decade and we should be surrounded by friends, we 20 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:32,199 Speaker 1: should be dating, we should be going out and socializing 21 00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:35,960 Speaker 1: and have a large social network. It's where we meet 22 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:39,280 Speaker 1: our forever friends. And this has been sold to us 23 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:45,440 Speaker 1: across multiple platforms, from social media to shows like Friends 24 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:50,240 Speaker 1: and New Girl, where there are these really romanticized depictions 25 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,920 Speaker 1: of really close friendship groups. So when we don't feel 26 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,920 Speaker 1: that way, when we don't meet that expectation, we can 27 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,559 Speaker 1: really feel like failures and like something is wrong with us. 28 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 1: One thing I want to say before we begin is that, 29 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:08,960 Speaker 1: contrary to what popular culture has to say about this decade, 30 00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:13,359 Speaker 1: it is really normal to feel lonely in your twenties, 31 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,760 Speaker 1: even if you are someone who is surrounded by people. 32 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,840 Speaker 1: Something that I've noticed is that we often don't want 33 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,280 Speaker 1: to admit when we are feeling this way, not even 34 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:27,639 Speaker 1: to those who are closest to us. There is this 35 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:33,200 Speaker 1: strange stigma almost around loneliness that prevents us from talking 36 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,960 Speaker 1: about it and prevents us from normalizing it. You know, 37 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,320 Speaker 1: this strange sense that if we come out and outright 38 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:47,240 Speaker 1: say I feel lonely, I am lonely, that people will 39 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,800 Speaker 1: think there is something wrong with us, or that we 40 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,840 Speaker 1: don't have friends, or that we are unenjoyable to be around. 41 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:57,320 Speaker 1: And ninety nine percent of the time that is not true. 42 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:03,600 Speaker 1: The loneliness is at its core a biological and emotional reaction, 43 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,880 Speaker 1: more so than an environmental one. It has less to 44 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 1: do with the quantity of our friendships or social relationships, 45 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:15,240 Speaker 1: and more to do with our internal experiences and perception 46 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:19,000 Speaker 1: of the world, the quality of our connections, and at 47 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:23,880 Speaker 1: its core, our relationship with ourselves. Of course, there are 48 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,919 Speaker 1: many times when we naturally are inclined to feel lonely 49 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,920 Speaker 1: because of our environment. Maybe you've just moved to a 50 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 1: new city or you've gone through a breakup. But I 51 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:38,240 Speaker 1: think we as a generation do need to become more 52 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 1: comfortable with being alone, with solitude, with our own emotions, 53 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: and with sometimes feeling uncomfortable. That may seem really hard. 54 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:53,320 Speaker 1: Loneliness is a really hard feeling, but my goal is 55 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:57,360 Speaker 1: to really share how we can embrace it and really 56 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 1: treat it as an important and neighborler for our growth 57 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,480 Speaker 1: rather than feel threatened. There is a lot to talk 58 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 1: on today, and I really want to do this topic justice, 59 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,040 Speaker 1: especially because I know it's probably something on a lot 60 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,680 Speaker 1: of our minds. There is not a person I know 61 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:17,160 Speaker 1: who hasn't at times felt this way, who hasn't at 62 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,400 Speaker 1: times felt lonely. So we are going to dive into 63 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:26,120 Speaker 1: exactly why our twenties can produce such intense feelings of isolation, 64 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,719 Speaker 1: the neurological and internal basis for these feelings, some of 65 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:37,840 Speaker 1: the dangers and downsides, but ultimately how we can embrace solitude, 66 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:44,599 Speaker 1: embrace loneliness, and harness its benefits rather than being consumed 67 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 1: by the negativity and the fear. Ultimately, the title of 68 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:53,599 Speaker 1: this episode truly does say it all. Loneliness is not 69 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:58,240 Speaker 1: our enemy. So let's get right into it and uncover 70 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:07,560 Speaker 1: all of this science and psychology that confirms this loneliness 71 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 1: is incredibly hard. I feel like that is not something 72 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,480 Speaker 1: that I need to repeat very often throughout this episode, 73 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,200 Speaker 1: because we all know it, and I do want to 74 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:19,040 Speaker 1: start this episode on a personal note. You know, I 75 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:23,960 Speaker 1: think I have a very complicated relationship with feeling lonely, 76 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,040 Speaker 1: even though I know it's natural, I know it's common, 77 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 1: I know all of the reasons why it happens, but 78 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,280 Speaker 1: there is just this thing where, since I was young, 79 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:37,760 Speaker 1: the idea of feeling lonely or not being surrounded by 80 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:42,120 Speaker 1: people has been really, really terrifying. I was trying to 81 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,360 Speaker 1: explain this to a friend the other day. But ever 82 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:48,240 Speaker 1: since I was a child, I've had this weird experience, 83 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,960 Speaker 1: you know, these like three month cycles where I will 84 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:55,479 Speaker 1: go through periods of feeling super happy, super supported, super content, 85 00:05:56,320 --> 00:06:01,240 Speaker 1: and then, like clockwork, I just get this entirely irrational, 86 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:05,640 Speaker 1: sinking feeling that I am lonely and I cannot shake it. 87 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 1: And the interesting thing is that each time this happens, 88 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:14,000 Speaker 1: nothing has really changed about my environment. It's entirely mental, 89 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,039 Speaker 1: and it's something that has really been part of my 90 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,560 Speaker 1: life for a long time. I feel like I often 91 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,680 Speaker 1: think of myself as a lonely person, even though I'm 92 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,880 Speaker 1: surrounded by such wonderful people. And I was talking to 93 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,840 Speaker 1: my therapist about it, and this is basically what really 94 00:06:29,839 --> 00:06:33,159 Speaker 1: inspired me to make this episode, because I'm sure that 95 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,760 Speaker 1: I'm not in this boat on my own. I'm sure 96 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:39,800 Speaker 1: it's not just me, and as my twenties have gone by, 97 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 1: I've found that the feeling has gotten worse. What she 98 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:47,280 Speaker 1: explained to me is that this habit of anticipating a 99 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:52,120 Speaker 1: future loneliness or feeling an impending sense of loneliness is 100 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:56,320 Speaker 1: a few response very similar to catastrophizing or future prepping, 101 00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:02,159 Speaker 1: whereby I and I'm sure many others try and unconsciously 102 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:07,279 Speaker 1: avoid feelings of loneliness by artificially mimicking the feeling to 103 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:11,920 Speaker 1: prepare ourselves for when this situation may occur. If this 104 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:17,080 Speaker 1: sounds really strange or really complicated, I totally understand. I 105 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:19,800 Speaker 1: was kind of confused when she first told me this, 106 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:23,680 Speaker 1: but when we dive further into the biology and the 107 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:29,120 Speaker 1: evolutionary underpinnings, it makes a lot more sense why sometimes 108 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 1: we feel lonely without any apparent cause or shift. Repeated 109 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 1: and consistent human interaction is vital for our mental well 110 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,960 Speaker 1: being and our mental health. I think we all know that. 111 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 1: We all know that social health is part of the 112 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 1: broader holistic health that we bring through our lives. But 113 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,120 Speaker 1: on a deeper level, we don't like feeling alone or 114 00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:03,239 Speaker 1: isolated because evolutionarily, our survival rested on feeling connected with others. 115 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 1: This is an explanation I've given before on the podcast, 116 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:10,680 Speaker 1: but I still find it really valuable to share our 117 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:16,200 Speaker 1: prehistoric ancestors. They relied on the existence of tribal networks 118 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:20,160 Speaker 1: and groups to ensure their survival. Membership to a group 119 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:25,720 Speaker 1: provided us with security, more access to food. It provided 120 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:31,600 Speaker 1: us with shelter, mating partners, and protection. Without it, if 121 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:34,559 Speaker 1: we were cast out, if we were socially isolated, if 122 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:40,320 Speaker 1: we lost our group, our chances of survival were very slim. 123 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:43,640 Speaker 1: And that part of our mind that has adapted to 124 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:49,520 Speaker 1: that former reality is still very much alive. According to 125 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 1: countless studies I couldn't even name them all, our minds 126 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:58,880 Speaker 1: have essentially evolved to promote our survival through social connection, 127 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:03,760 Speaker 1: and feelings of loneliness are a neural mechanism of drawing 128 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 1: us back into the protection of a group, because whilst 129 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:12,560 Speaker 1: loneliness may be painful, it's a much better alternative to 130 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:16,040 Speaker 1: being out on our own and therefore being killed by 131 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:20,440 Speaker 1: a hungry beast or dying from exposure, as was likely 132 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,000 Speaker 1: the case back in the day, if we rejected our 133 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:26,640 Speaker 1: social group or they rejected us. It is essentially our 134 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:32,040 Speaker 1: instinct to seek out social comfort and connection. There is 135 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:36,520 Speaker 1: this amazing article that was written by Discover magazine a 136 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 1: very good subscription if you are thinking of getting into it, 137 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 1: and it was written by doctor Stephanie Cacopo. She's a 138 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:49,040 Speaker 1: professor of behavioral neuroscience in the UK, and she described 139 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:54,600 Speaker 1: it perfectly. Basically, what she concluded is that loneliness is 140 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:59,920 Speaker 1: very similar to those kind of biological hunger or thirst 141 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:04,280 Speaker 1: cues that we get, because it reminds us to reconnect 142 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:08,200 Speaker 1: with those around us to ensure survival, the same way 143 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:12,800 Speaker 1: that hunger and thirst protect our physical well being and 144 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:17,600 Speaker 1: tell us to seek out important nutrients and resources for 145 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:22,520 Speaker 1: our physical survival. It's all very much tied into our 146 00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:27,079 Speaker 1: basic instincts and our basic urges. Loneliness gets a bad rap, 147 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,440 Speaker 1: and there used to be an argument in psychology that 148 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,840 Speaker 1: loneliness was actually an emotional fault or a defect in 149 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:39,440 Speaker 1: our DNA that actually shouldn't exist because it was super negative. 150 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 1: It made people feel really bad about themselves. But also 151 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:47,199 Speaker 1: there was this argument that other species did not experience 152 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:51,079 Speaker 1: loneliness and they were still surviving, so essentially this feeling 153 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:56,520 Speaker 1: wasn't entirely necessary. Not only do we now know that 154 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:01,679 Speaker 1: that is wrong. Many species like elephants and great apes, 155 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,960 Speaker 1: even big cats, they experience loneliness as well. But also 156 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:11,840 Speaker 1: if the outcomes of feeling lonely were entirely negative, according 157 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,480 Speaker 1: to Darwin's theory of evolution, it would no longer be 158 00:11:15,559 --> 00:11:19,480 Speaker 1: part of our DNA because members of our species who 159 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:23,560 Speaker 1: did contain this proclivity wouldn't have survived if it was 160 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:28,600 Speaker 1: entirely harmful. That's kind of a wrap around, roundabout logic 161 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:32,920 Speaker 1: to explain evolution, right. You know, if something is not 162 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: important for our survival, it does not survive in our 163 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:41,840 Speaker 1: DNA due to breeding and the survival of offspring that 164 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,640 Speaker 1: have that quality. But we know that loneliness is still 165 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,120 Speaker 1: very much part of the human instinct and the human 166 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:53,000 Speaker 1: experience because it does have a value. It is important. 167 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:57,400 Speaker 1: It serves as a self protection and preservation mechanism. It 168 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 1: basically acts as this little feeling in our brain telling 169 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:05,000 Speaker 1: us to reach out, telling us to reconnect. Okay, we 170 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,760 Speaker 1: spent a lot of time in the science. I'm realizing 171 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,360 Speaker 1: that now and that was not my intention. But I 172 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:14,439 Speaker 1: really want to dive into some of the more environmental 173 00:12:14,679 --> 00:12:19,640 Speaker 1: and situational variables that can be a catalyst for loneliness, 174 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:26,199 Speaker 1: especially in this decade. Regardless of why we experience loneliness, 175 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:31,960 Speaker 1: whether it's biological, whether it's social, it still feels really terrible. 176 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:36,240 Speaker 1: And our twenties are actually one of the times where 177 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,480 Speaker 1: we can feel at our lowest when it comes to 178 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:43,920 Speaker 1: this feeling. A study done by the Office for National 179 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:48,160 Speaker 1: Statistics out in the UK and actually found that young 180 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:52,000 Speaker 1: adults between the ages of eighteen and twenty nine were 181 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:57,480 Speaker 1: actually three times more likely to feel lonely compared to 182 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:02,120 Speaker 1: older age groups. This is really interesting to me because 183 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,679 Speaker 1: I think our typical picture of loneliness is very much 184 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:09,760 Speaker 1: you know, an elderly person locked in their home, you know, 185 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,560 Speaker 1: who has lost all of their family members and friends. 186 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,559 Speaker 1: But that's not the case. It's actually this generation, this 187 00:13:16,679 --> 00:13:20,160 Speaker 1: age group, my age group, your age group that is 188 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:24,440 Speaker 1: suffering the most. Some reasons why I think it is 189 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 1: more common in our twenties comes down to the number 190 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,800 Speaker 1: of significant life transitions and changes that we are all 191 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:35,760 Speaker 1: going to experience in this decade. We graduate high school, 192 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:40,440 Speaker 1: we leave the security of a convenient, inbuilt community that 193 00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:44,520 Speaker 1: is our schooling system, and we go out into the 194 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:47,760 Speaker 1: world on our own. And for most of us, that 195 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:53,440 Speaker 1: also involves saying goodbye to friendships and connections and mentors 196 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:57,239 Speaker 1: that you naturally outgrow. For most of us, our twenties 197 00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,760 Speaker 1: are also a time when we move out of the 198 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:04,120 Speaker 1: family home and we leave the orbit of our close family, 199 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:10,840 Speaker 1: specifically our parents. At first, this might feel incredibly liberating 200 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:15,640 Speaker 1: to be free of parental supervision and have our independence, 201 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:20,600 Speaker 1: but it's also very comforting to have that stable family unit. 202 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:25,000 Speaker 1: When we fly the nest, we can often find ourselves 203 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,480 Speaker 1: a little bit nostalgic once the excitement has worn off, 204 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,680 Speaker 1: and a little bit lonely because we no longer have 205 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 1: that stable structure that we can go back to every 206 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:40,520 Speaker 1: night and be comforted by. Whilst loneliness is in part 207 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 1: evolutionary and biological, it's also in part of reaction to community. 208 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:52,360 Speaker 1: When we feel without community or a strong present support network, 209 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:58,040 Speaker 1: that's often when that dark feeling can come on strongest, 210 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,880 Speaker 1: and family really does play a crucial role in that. 211 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:06,080 Speaker 1: As someone who is also moving into the mid stage 212 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:09,080 Speaker 1: of my twenties, I would say there's another thing that 213 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:13,280 Speaker 1: I've noticed, particularly in the last year, which I have 214 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,760 Speaker 1: I don't think I've really seen many people talk about this. 215 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 1: It's rarely spoken about in relation to our twenties, and 216 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 1: that is how many of our friends begin to enter 217 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:28,400 Speaker 1: new chapters or have different timelines than our own, often 218 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:32,560 Speaker 1: leading to what I would call disconnection and growing apart 219 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:35,440 Speaker 1: from the people that we used to feel closest with. 220 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,680 Speaker 1: Let me explain that a little bit more. It's not 221 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,160 Speaker 1: even fully formed in my brain, but I do just 222 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 1: think it's worth sharing. I think the first eighteen years 223 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,920 Speaker 1: of our lives are very much cut and paste for 224 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,160 Speaker 1: most of us. You know, we go to school, we 225 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:54,400 Speaker 1: go to high school, we do sports, we do music, 226 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:59,000 Speaker 1: we do all of the things. And then suddenly you're 227 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 1: twenty three. One of your friends is about to get married. 228 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,120 Speaker 1: Some of your friends are still at UNI, half of 229 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:08,440 Speaker 1: your working full time. Another one is off in Peru 230 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:13,440 Speaker 1: exploring the world. You're all scattered across the country and 231 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:18,840 Speaker 1: friendship is no longer convenient. It's something I have personally 232 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:22,800 Speaker 1: experienced recently. I moved to Sydney last year, and most 233 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 1: of my close girlfriends remained in Canberra, which is where 234 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:29,240 Speaker 1: I went to university, and I was catching up with 235 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,920 Speaker 1: one of them recently and in the past year, even 236 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,880 Speaker 1: in the past month, one of them has decided to 237 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,960 Speaker 1: move to this tiny island off of Australia. One of 238 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,680 Speaker 1: them is moving to London, and the other is in 239 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:44,520 Speaker 1: the midst of doing her honors. And I just realized 240 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:48,080 Speaker 1: that everything was changing and we only had a few 241 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 1: more opportunities to really truly be together as a group, 242 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:57,560 Speaker 1: and for some reason, I just felt so lonely. Not 243 00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:00,400 Speaker 1: because these people were no longer in my life life, 244 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,480 Speaker 1: not because we had had a falling out one of 245 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:08,200 Speaker 1: them was literally sitting across from me, but because everything 246 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,600 Speaker 1: was changing and everything was new, and I didn't really 247 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,720 Speaker 1: know where I was going to land. And I was 248 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:18,080 Speaker 1: kind of comforted by knowing that my reaction was not 249 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:23,600 Speaker 1: only normal but really supported by theory. Psychologists have this 250 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:27,800 Speaker 1: idea that there are three major conditions for making and 251 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:35,640 Speaker 1: keeping good friends. These are proximity, repeated interactions, and settings 252 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:42,359 Speaker 1: that encourage authenticity. Those three conditions, the healthy long term 253 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:47,440 Speaker 1: friendships become a lot harder as things in our life change. 254 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:51,520 Speaker 1: The older we get, people move away. You no longer 255 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:55,960 Speaker 1: have repeated interactions that were often brought on by the 256 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,919 Speaker 1: closeness of university or school or college. You don't live 257 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,399 Speaker 1: in the same place anymore. And it's not to say 258 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:08,320 Speaker 1: that you can't successively maintain long distance friendships. It's just 259 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:12,480 Speaker 1: that the dynamic and the nature of the relationship changes, 260 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:16,480 Speaker 1: and with that there's an adjustment period that loneliness tends 261 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:21,200 Speaker 1: to crop up in these simultaneous transitions. I would say 262 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:25,880 Speaker 1: contribute to a sense of isolation and in part confusion 263 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:31,520 Speaker 1: about what happens next, which is a massive trigger for loneliness. 264 00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:35,800 Speaker 1: There are some other typical events and experience that I 265 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:39,359 Speaker 1: think contribute to social isolation the feather we get into 266 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:43,879 Speaker 1: our twenties as we enter the workforce. In particular, the 267 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:46,880 Speaker 1: amount of time that we have to build and maintain 268 00:18:47,119 --> 00:18:52,560 Speaker 1: healthy connections is minimized by paid obligations. It's minimized by work. 269 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:57,679 Speaker 1: Socializing is now reserved for the hours before nine am 270 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,320 Speaker 1: and after five pm, and that is a small window 271 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:05,280 Speaker 1: compared to what we're used to. We just simply have 272 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:11,240 Speaker 1: less time. That's the truth about getting older and having responsibilities. 273 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:15,720 Speaker 1: Our priorities change not just with work and our careers, 274 00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:20,520 Speaker 1: but also with the entry of long term romantic partners. 275 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:24,600 Speaker 1: I'm sure we've all had an experience whereby a friend 276 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:29,600 Speaker 1: gets into a relationship and suddenly is very inaccessible. Maybe 277 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:33,639 Speaker 1: you have been that person yourself. I could keep listing 278 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,359 Speaker 1: reasons here, you know. We could talk about breakups, we 279 00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:40,840 Speaker 1: could talk about simply outgrowing people, we could talk about kids. 280 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:44,000 Speaker 1: Even there are so many reasons. I think it's all 281 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:49,600 Speaker 1: just a really confusing time whereby the moment we begin 282 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:55,680 Speaker 1: to feel steady and feel secure, things suddenly change, and 283 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,920 Speaker 1: the easier kind of social interactions that we often rely 284 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:03,800 Speaker 1: for stimulation and for fulfillment, and that we often took 285 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:07,040 Speaker 1: for granted become a lot harder, as does a sense 286 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,919 Speaker 1: of community, which I think is a really vital protective 287 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 1: mechanism against loneliness. There's also more personal factors. I think 288 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:19,320 Speaker 1: I've talked a lot about situational and environmental variables, but 289 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,600 Speaker 1: we also change as people. This period in our life 290 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,280 Speaker 1: is so formative. The person I was at twenty one, 291 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:32,280 Speaker 1: let alone eighteen is so so different to the version 292 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:36,120 Speaker 1: of me now, and so my ability to connect and 293 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:42,520 Speaker 1: feel seen also changes. Especially as we step into a 294 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 1: new identity. Everything is so confusing, and if we don't 295 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:50,240 Speaker 1: really know ourselves quite yet, if we're still in that 296 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:54,399 Speaker 1: growth phase, it's really hard to feel that others know 297 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:58,720 Speaker 1: us deeply, and therefore we don't feel connected. I think 298 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,840 Speaker 1: that's also really common amongst this decade. It's not so 299 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,800 Speaker 1: much that there aren't people around us, that's a big thing. 300 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,480 Speaker 1: It's not so much that you don't have friends, it's 301 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:15,840 Speaker 1: that those friendships become harder there are other factors that 302 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,919 Speaker 1: begin to play a role, different priorities, and at the 303 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,359 Speaker 1: same time, something we forget is that we're still trying 304 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:26,679 Speaker 1: to figure out exactly who we are and how we 305 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:30,000 Speaker 1: can best connect with other people. All of that is 306 00:21:30,119 --> 00:21:35,160 Speaker 1: just to say loneliness is a quintessential experience of our twenties, 307 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:39,400 Speaker 1: and although it is unpleasant, I think that we can 308 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:43,000 Speaker 1: actually change our relationship to this feeling to be one 309 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 1: that is productive rather than fearful. Loneliness has a lot 310 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:51,280 Speaker 1: of beneficial functions, which we're going to talk about in 311 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,760 Speaker 1: just a second. I think most crucial, though, is that 312 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:58,240 Speaker 1: if we don't learn how to be alone, if we 313 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:02,000 Speaker 1: are so fearful of the six sperience that we rush 314 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,399 Speaker 1: into any new relationship or friendship that walks through the door, 315 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:08,720 Speaker 1: we can actually do a lot more harm than good. 316 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:14,919 Speaker 1: Sometimes it is good to embrace solitude to get a 317 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:19,000 Speaker 1: better understanding of who you are and what you want 318 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:24,199 Speaker 1: and what you deserve in relationships. So I kind of 319 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,320 Speaker 1: want to move past some of that dwelling we've done 320 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:31,840 Speaker 1: on the downsides and the origins and focus more on 321 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:35,520 Speaker 1: how we can embrace this feeling. All of that in 322 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:44,240 Speaker 1: more in just a second, if you are feeling lonely 323 00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:48,160 Speaker 1: right now, and that's why you're listening today, I want 324 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,720 Speaker 1: to firstly, before we get into the rest of the episode, 325 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:55,920 Speaker 1: give you three bits of truth or I guess many 326 00:22:55,960 --> 00:23:00,920 Speaker 1: affirmations that have always comforted me. The first one, which 327 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,359 Speaker 1: I honestly stand by, is that you have not yet 328 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,840 Speaker 1: met all the people who will love you in this life. 329 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:13,399 Speaker 1: It's very easy in our twenties to see things without 330 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:16,680 Speaker 1: a great deal of perspective because this is all that 331 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:20,320 Speaker 1: we've experienced right like we're baby adults. This is like 332 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:23,040 Speaker 1: the first time that we're experiencing a lot of this stuff, 333 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:26,760 Speaker 1: the first time we're experiencing, you know, moving to a 334 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:32,240 Speaker 1: new place and losing friends and adjustments. So it's important 335 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,320 Speaker 1: to sometimes have the hindsight that people give us from 336 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:39,760 Speaker 1: older generations or older wiser people, that there is so 337 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,960 Speaker 1: much yet to come that is even better than what 338 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:47,160 Speaker 1: has already transpired. The second one is that we are 339 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:51,399 Speaker 1: never truly alone. I think our brain convinces ourselves that 340 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,920 Speaker 1: we are, especially with what we were talking about before 341 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:59,960 Speaker 1: about anticipatory anxiety and catastrophizing to kind of protect ours 342 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:05,399 Speaker 1: and ensure our survival and finally, nothing stays the same 343 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:10,840 Speaker 1: for long. This feeling will pass as all good and 344 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:15,720 Speaker 1: bad things in life. Do we've acknowledged that loneliness can 345 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,520 Speaker 1: be unpleasant? We all know that, I think on a 346 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:22,680 Speaker 1: personal and anecdotal level. But I do also think there 347 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:26,720 Speaker 1: is something really sacred in solitude, and sometimes that can 348 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:30,280 Speaker 1: produce loneliness as a side effect, and that's something that 349 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,200 Speaker 1: we just have to come to terms with as part 350 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:35,320 Speaker 1: of the terrain. Here's the truth. At some point, you 351 00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:38,760 Speaker 1: are going to feel lonely, regardless of all of your efforts, 352 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:42,800 Speaker 1: and maybe that is you right now. Obviously we can 353 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:47,080 Speaker 1: understand that loneliness is painful, but there is this idea 354 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,720 Speaker 1: that when we fear something, we let it control us, 355 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:54,679 Speaker 1: and if we fear being alone, we allow it to 356 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:59,480 Speaker 1: control our enjoyment of a life and the decisions we 357 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 1: make for God, guarding the quality of our relationships and 358 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:06,240 Speaker 1: who we choose to spend our time with. If we 359 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:09,600 Speaker 1: are lonely, and if we are scared of being lonely, often, 360 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,800 Speaker 1: like I said, we just jump at the first thing 361 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:15,040 Speaker 1: that walks through the door without properly thinking about where 362 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:18,439 Speaker 1: that relationship or that friendship is going to sit in 363 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,800 Speaker 1: our life. I really want to change the narrative around 364 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,000 Speaker 1: loneliness for those reasons, because I think it's beneficial to 365 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,159 Speaker 1: sometimes feel alone, and I do want to think of 366 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:33,359 Speaker 1: it as an attitude of gratitude and stoicism rather than 367 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,840 Speaker 1: one of fear and anticipation. I think we need to 368 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,440 Speaker 1: have a greater appreciation for what solitude can bring us 369 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,080 Speaker 1: so that we can, all you know, perhaps feel a 370 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:47,320 Speaker 1: little bit better and comforted in some of the benefits 371 00:25:47,359 --> 00:25:52,400 Speaker 1: of this emotion. Spending time alone is actually incredibly beneficial, 372 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:56,280 Speaker 1: especially in our twenties, because it allows us to develop 373 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,720 Speaker 1: a better understanding of ourselves. It allows us to do 374 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,800 Speaker 1: the thing things that we want to do, and become 375 00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:07,399 Speaker 1: more independent. It can sometimes be a blessing rather than 376 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,800 Speaker 1: a curse. Studies have shown that the more you know 377 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:16,640 Speaker 1: and understand yourself through concentrated efforts to spend time alone, 378 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,720 Speaker 1: the stronger your value set is, and the more likely 379 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,159 Speaker 1: you are to do things that you love or with 380 00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:27,639 Speaker 1: people that you love, to learn things that interest you, 381 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:31,200 Speaker 1: and spend time with people that make you feel good 382 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,720 Speaker 1: rather than people that drain your energy. There's also some 383 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:39,640 Speaker 1: other surprising benefits that I think we could all probably 384 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,480 Speaker 1: speak to just on an anecdotal and personal experience, but 385 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:48,439 Speaker 1: solitude really does increase productivity. It's just the fact that 386 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:52,359 Speaker 1: you don't have the distraction, So there's one upside. It 387 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:56,800 Speaker 1: also sparks creativity because we have more time with our 388 00:26:56,840 --> 00:27:00,600 Speaker 1: thoughts and we can let them wander and explos new 389 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:05,920 Speaker 1: corridors of our brain. And it can build mental strength 390 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:09,600 Speaker 1: because we have to learn how to rely on ourselves 391 00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:13,920 Speaker 1: and trust our own ability to manage daily stress and adversity. 392 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:18,359 Speaker 1: I will say that this is not always optimal. You know, 393 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:22,600 Speaker 1: we do overcome things easier and sooner with the help 394 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,760 Speaker 1: of a support network. But I really want to demonstrate 395 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:29,480 Speaker 1: that it's not all doom and gloom, and that if 396 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:33,280 Speaker 1: you are going through a period of loneliness, it's not 397 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,600 Speaker 1: all bad, right, Like, there are some upsides. I know 398 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:40,760 Speaker 1: it sounds really like tokenistic to say that, but I 399 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:44,080 Speaker 1: think with everything, when you have a better mindset, you 400 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:47,000 Speaker 1: get through something quicker, and all of these kind of 401 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:52,480 Speaker 1: benefits really do help develop that positive attitude towards your experiences. 402 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:57,040 Speaker 1: I think loneliness is also sometimes really valuable because it 403 00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:01,600 Speaker 1: allows us to reassess the value of our close relation relationships. 404 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:06,880 Speaker 1: Often loneliness is situational, but sometimes it can be caused 405 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:11,480 Speaker 1: by just feeling like you don't belong. Relationships are meant 406 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:15,000 Speaker 1: to cultivate the best feelings about yourself. They are meant 407 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:19,080 Speaker 1: to make you feel happy and fulfilled. So if you 408 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:24,320 Speaker 1: feel lonely amongst certain people, even when they're around you, 409 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:28,399 Speaker 1: it really is an indicator, a mental indicator that we 410 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:32,400 Speaker 1: need to take a closer look at whether these relationships 411 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:35,879 Speaker 1: are really what we want in our lives. I think 412 00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:40,520 Speaker 1: sometimes loneliness indicates to us that we want to be 413 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:43,239 Speaker 1: close with people, we want to stay in touch, but 414 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:46,480 Speaker 1: we also want to prioritize quality time. You know, It's 415 00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:49,120 Speaker 1: something that we haven't really talked on yet, but I 416 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:52,440 Speaker 1: do honestly believe it's better to feel lonely with yourself 417 00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:55,640 Speaker 1: than alone with others. It's just something that I think 418 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:59,520 Speaker 1: of sometimes when I'm going through periods like this, and 419 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:03,160 Speaker 1: I said, this doesn't have to be your enemy. When 420 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:07,200 Speaker 1: we a recognize that it's normal and that it will pass, 421 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:12,040 Speaker 1: I promise it will pass, and b we embrace some 422 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:17,600 Speaker 1: of the opportunities it provides rather than distracting ourselves. There 423 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:20,880 Speaker 1: are a few ways that we can really live this philosophy. 424 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:23,120 Speaker 1: And I know it's hard. I don't want to discredit that, 425 00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:27,239 Speaker 1: but if you want to embrace solitude, you have to 426 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:31,880 Speaker 1: start before you begin to feel lonely. I have been 427 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:36,480 Speaker 1: frequently doing this since I was like maybe nineteen, where 428 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:39,080 Speaker 1: I go away for either one or two days at 429 00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:42,240 Speaker 1: a time just by myself. I go camping or hiking, 430 00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:46,000 Speaker 1: and it allows me to escape my reality because I 431 00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:49,760 Speaker 1: want to show myself that I can do things alone 432 00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:53,680 Speaker 1: and activate some of those benefits to feel creative, to 433 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:59,040 Speaker 1: feel independent, to feel productive, to be honest. I began 434 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:04,480 Speaker 1: this habit or these little activities or trips when I 435 00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:08,440 Speaker 1: was going through a really rough time at university. I 436 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:11,520 Speaker 1: was really depressed, I was really distanced from people, my 437 00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:16,640 Speaker 1: grades weren't great, and it was almost this self inflicted 438 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:20,080 Speaker 1: challenge to see if I could do it. I'd become 439 00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:23,680 Speaker 1: really codependent on someone I was dating, but also really 440 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:27,120 Speaker 1: anxious about my friendships, and it was like the first 441 00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:29,360 Speaker 1: time that I really had a big group of friends, 442 00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:32,920 Speaker 1: and it was really scary to me that these people 443 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,760 Speaker 1: could leave or go away, and I wanted to force 444 00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:41,200 Speaker 1: myself to confront that fear of being alone just for 445 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:45,720 Speaker 1: a few days to prove myself that everything could fall apart. 446 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:49,040 Speaker 1: I could be entirely by myself and I would still 447 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:53,440 Speaker 1: be okay. If that sounds confusing, let me explain it 448 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:56,680 Speaker 1: a little bit more. I think being able to tolerate 449 00:30:56,760 --> 00:31:00,600 Speaker 1: loneliness and adapt to it is a skill, and you 450 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:03,520 Speaker 1: don't really want to be using any skill for the 451 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,880 Speaker 1: first time when things are really dire. So by doing 452 00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:10,080 Speaker 1: these solitary trips or even activities it could be as 453 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,920 Speaker 1: simple as going for a day trip by yourself or 454 00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:18,240 Speaker 1: to the movies, we slowly adjust our minds to accept 455 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:23,880 Speaker 1: loneliness and acknowledge that being alone will sometimes be our reality, 456 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:27,040 Speaker 1: but we will get through it. So when we do 457 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:31,080 Speaker 1: feel this way, we see fewer of the emotional negative 458 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:34,160 Speaker 1: emotional effects really, and we know how to handle it. 459 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:38,400 Speaker 1: We're able to activate the benefits. These solitude trips have 460 00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:43,680 Speaker 1: taught me so much about myself it's ridiculous. It has 461 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:47,720 Speaker 1: made me enjoy my own company so much more. It 462 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,800 Speaker 1: has made me show myself more self love, It has 463 00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:53,920 Speaker 1: made me think deeper about my feelings and what I want, 464 00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:57,920 Speaker 1: and it just made me realize that our lives are 465 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:03,560 Speaker 1: so busy, and especially if you're a people pleaser, we 466 00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:07,920 Speaker 1: give up so much of our time to pleasing others. 467 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,240 Speaker 1: And also because we don't want to feel lonely, right 468 00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:14,800 Speaker 1: We just our days are always so full with interactions 469 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:18,440 Speaker 1: and obligations, and when you force yourself to take a 470 00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:22,640 Speaker 1: step back and embrace solitude, it is such a sacred 471 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:26,480 Speaker 1: and beautiful time, and I highly recommend it to anyone 472 00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:31,560 Speaker 1: who either has a complicated relationship with feeling lonely or 473 00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:34,560 Speaker 1: just wants to grow a little bit further in themselves 474 00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:38,200 Speaker 1: and their own soul. I think another way to embrace 475 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:42,200 Speaker 1: loneliness is to acknowledge that it is a natural response 476 00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:45,520 Speaker 1: to something that you need and that your needs are 477 00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:48,320 Speaker 1: not being met. It's not something that's wrong with you, 478 00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:51,200 Speaker 1: and it doesn't always have to be a need that 479 00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:56,560 Speaker 1: has a social origin. Sometimes loneliness emerges from not feeling 480 00:32:56,560 --> 00:33:00,719 Speaker 1: connected with ourselves. Really sit in and think about that 481 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:04,080 Speaker 1: for a second. Is it because you are genuinely alone 482 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:08,720 Speaker 1: that you feel this way, or because deep down you 483 00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:12,240 Speaker 1: don't really feel like you know yourself well enough to 484 00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:15,880 Speaker 1: ask for what you need or to ever feel satisfied 485 00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:22,400 Speaker 1: in any relationship. The natural instinct is to minimize this 486 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:27,239 Speaker 1: feeling by filling up our days and socializing, but at 487 00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:28,720 Speaker 1: the end of the night or at the end of 488 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:32,400 Speaker 1: the week, we will find ourselves back in the same 489 00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:37,120 Speaker 1: position of not knowing and not knowing ourselves well enough, 490 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:41,520 Speaker 1: and the toxic cycle kind of continues. Like I said, 491 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:46,560 Speaker 1: spend a day each week if you can filling up 492 00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:49,960 Speaker 1: your own cup so that you can firstly feel connected 493 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:53,200 Speaker 1: with yourself and secondly you can show up better in 494 00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:56,640 Speaker 1: your interactions to make them more meaningful. It kind of 495 00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:59,480 Speaker 1: heals two parts of you at once. It heals the 496 00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:03,640 Speaker 1: connection in the relationship you have with yourself, and it 497 00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:07,440 Speaker 1: makes your friendships and your relationships of a much higher quality. 498 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:11,600 Speaker 1: I think it's also important to practice forms of self 499 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:15,880 Speaker 1: care that are dependent on you rather than stimulation from others. 500 00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:19,759 Speaker 1: That really helps us grow our independence and feel less 501 00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:23,680 Speaker 1: fearful of being alone and schedule activities with friends that 502 00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:28,320 Speaker 1: you actually enjoy. It's important to remember that different people 503 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:32,240 Speaker 1: are going to need different levels of social interaction and connection. 504 00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:36,799 Speaker 1: I'm speaking about extroverts versus introverts. You don't need to 505 00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:42,120 Speaker 1: go the entirely different way and completely cut yourself off 506 00:34:42,200 --> 00:34:47,800 Speaker 1: from everyone to embrace feeling lonely. That's not what I'm suggesting. 507 00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,520 Speaker 1: Hopefully no one thought that, but that's going to do 508 00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:53,240 Speaker 1: a lot more harm than good. It's about finding balance 509 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:58,480 Speaker 1: between being able to spend time alone, feeling okay with 510 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,960 Speaker 1: feeling lonely every time now and again because it's natural 511 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:06,320 Speaker 1: and it's normal, but then also knowing that the support 512 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:10,760 Speaker 1: of others, having a great support network is really vital 513 00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:13,880 Speaker 1: for our well being, and it will come if you 514 00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:16,040 Speaker 1: don't have it. Now, there have been times when I 515 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:19,560 Speaker 1: didn't have it. Life surprises you and it gives you 516 00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:24,120 Speaker 1: what you need, and sometimes just the most remarkable people 517 00:35:24,640 --> 00:35:27,640 Speaker 1: show up when you least expect them, and you really 518 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:31,000 Speaker 1: do feel seen and you feel heard and connected. I 519 00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:33,520 Speaker 1: hope what you've taken away from all of this is 520 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:37,920 Speaker 1: that loneliness is not only normal, it's also nothing to 521 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:42,480 Speaker 1: flee from. It is intuition and it is natural, and 522 00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:45,880 Speaker 1: we don't need to feel panicked or feel the need 523 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:50,160 Speaker 1: to grasp on to social connections that really aren't fulfilling 524 00:35:50,239 --> 00:35:54,000 Speaker 1: us just to avoid feeling lonely. Being lonely is not 525 00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:57,080 Speaker 1: always a curse, you know. As much as society and 526 00:35:57,400 --> 00:36:00,759 Speaker 1: television and people try and make us feel like we 527 00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:04,080 Speaker 1: need to have this massive group of friends or always 528 00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:08,120 Speaker 1: be fulfilled by the people we're around. That's not the case. 529 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:10,840 Speaker 1: It's not a curse. It's not that there's something wrong 530 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:13,960 Speaker 1: with you. I think we just need to reframe our 531 00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:20,439 Speaker 1: relationship with solitude and being alone and recognize that sometimes 532 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,840 Speaker 1: it's necessary to go through these periods in order to 533 00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:29,960 Speaker 1: grow and in order to reprioritize our relationships and our 534 00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:34,239 Speaker 1: knowledge of ourselves. There's also a lot of psychological benefits. 535 00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:38,399 Speaker 1: Like I said, everything in a healthy dose. But if 536 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:42,200 Speaker 1: you are going through this now, I am sending you 537 00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:45,839 Speaker 1: so much strength but also a lot of credit. It's 538 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:49,640 Speaker 1: really hard, it's really hard to feel that way, and 539 00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:54,279 Speaker 1: I promise that this won't last forever. You are a 540 00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:59,600 Speaker 1: wonderful person who people love, and if you feel disconnected 541 00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:02,880 Speaker 1: right now, I promise it gets better. Like I said, 542 00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:06,520 Speaker 1: you haven't yet met all the people who are going 543 00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:11,480 Speaker 1: to love you in this life. Friends, partners, family members. 544 00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:15,359 Speaker 1: There are so many people out there who really do care. 545 00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:18,920 Speaker 1: So embrace this time for what it's teaching you, and 546 00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:22,480 Speaker 1: above all else, I think, show yourself some grace and 547 00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:25,840 Speaker 1: take care of yourself. Thank you so much. For listening 548 00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:29,000 Speaker 1: to today's episode, it did feel like a bit of 549 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:32,320 Speaker 1: a rant at times. It's just something I've been mulling 550 00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:36,839 Speaker 1: over and talking about so much recently. The loneliness is 551 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:40,719 Speaker 1: so stigmatized, it is not talked about enough. So I 552 00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:42,600 Speaker 1: just wanted to share a bit of my own experience. 553 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:44,839 Speaker 1: And I'm going to come out and say, I've been 554 00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:48,880 Speaker 1: feeling lonely. It's not because I don't have great friends 555 00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:52,160 Speaker 1: or a beautiful family. I know. It's because that I've 556 00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:55,520 Speaker 1: just been feeling really disconnected from myself. I haven't been 557 00:37:55,719 --> 00:38:00,520 Speaker 1: prioritizing friendships that are worthwhile and interactions that are worth wow. 558 00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:04,000 Speaker 1: And I know sometimes it's just biology. It's just my 559 00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:08,279 Speaker 1: brain trying to warn me or do something funny to 560 00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:11,640 Speaker 1: ensure my survival in a world that no longer exists. 561 00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:15,279 Speaker 1: So it's all very interesting and very nuanced. But at 562 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:17,880 Speaker 1: the end of the day, I'm going to say it again, 563 00:38:18,239 --> 00:38:22,960 Speaker 1: loneliness is not your enemy. It gets such a bad rap, 564 00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:26,040 Speaker 1: but it is an important feeling. It's just part of 565 00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:29,279 Speaker 1: feeling human. So I really hope you learned something. I 566 00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:31,720 Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed. If there is a friend of yours 567 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:35,839 Speaker 1: who needs to hear this episode, please send them a link, 568 00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:39,560 Speaker 1: share the love, pass it forward, and if you do 569 00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:42,640 Speaker 1: feel cold to do so, please feel free to leave 570 00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:47,560 Speaker 1: a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're 571 00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:50,560 Speaker 1: listening right now. It really does help the show to 572 00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:53,799 Speaker 1: grow reach new people who you think may like it, 573 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:56,799 Speaker 1: and it just really makes my day. So I want 574 00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:59,600 Speaker 1: to thank you all for all the support recently. It's 575 00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:02,719 Speaker 1: been a man how much you have been loving the 576 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:06,560 Speaker 1: recent episodes. I love the recent episodes, so maybe that's it. 577 00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:09,000 Speaker 1: I'm just like, I'm really in it at the moment. 578 00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:10,600 Speaker 1: There's so much I want to talk about with you, 579 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:13,840 Speaker 1: so thank you for following along. And if you have 580 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:18,040 Speaker 1: an episode suggestion, I love when people send me ideas, 581 00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:21,919 Speaker 1: so please feel free to follow me at that Psychology 582 00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:25,759 Speaker 1: podcast on Instagram and shoot me a DM if there's 583 00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:28,640 Speaker 1: something you think that I should cover in our twenties 584 00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:32,800 Speaker 1: around psychology or just anything really and have a lovely day. 585 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:42,040 Speaker 1: We will be back later this week for another episode.