WEBVTT - Make Your Life a Joy Bomb + Live Shamelessly with Heidi Clements 0:00:04.000 --> 0:00:08.119 Big things happen when you're pretty, pretty bold, pretty clever, 0:00:08.800 --> 0:00:12.320 pretty strong. I'm Danielle Robe, and each week my guests 0:00:12.320 --> 0:00:13.800 and I have conversations that. 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:18.880 Put a new spin on pretty. This is pretty smart. 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:23.599 In a culture that glorifies youth, embracing your age is 0:00:23.680 --> 0:00:26.920 kind of a radical statement. As a nineties and two 0:00:26.920 --> 0:00:30.800 thousands kid, I remember being bombarded with messages about aging, 0:00:31.960 --> 0:00:36.200 particularly from women. Do you remember Regina George's mom clinging 0:00:36.240 --> 0:00:40.000 to her youth in Mean Girls? Or Rachel Greene's emotional 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:43.159 thirtieth birthday party and friends. A lot of us have 0:00:43.200 --> 0:00:45.440 been taught that our age isn't just something we need 0:00:45.479 --> 0:00:48.879 to hide, but a yearly reminder that the clock is 0:00:48.920 --> 0:00:52.559 ticking on our life. But today's guest is helping us 0:00:52.720 --> 0:00:59.680 completely rethink all of that. Heidi Clements is an author 0:00:59.760 --> 0:01:03.080 and screenwriter whose career is currently in the midst of 0:01:03.120 --> 0:01:07.320 a reinvention thanks to her refreshingly honest social media account 0:01:07.800 --> 0:01:11.920 at Welcome to Heidi. She's a former entertainment news producer, 0:01:12.600 --> 0:01:16.520 which is how we initially met, and now Heidi is 0:01:16.560 --> 0:01:20.440 focused on telling her own story. She shares nuggets of 0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:23.480 wisdom from her more than six decades of being a human, 0:01:24.680 --> 0:01:27.520 all while showing off her very unique sense of style 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:32.920 and self. What's amazing about Heidie's account is the vast 0:01:32.959 --> 0:01:36.160 majority of her hundreds of thousands of followers. 0:01:35.959 --> 0:01:39.440 Aren't women in their fifties and sixties. They're women in 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:42.800 their twenties and thirties. And I think that's proof that 0:01:42.840 --> 0:01:45.880 as we age, as we look at the often daunting 0:01:45.959 --> 0:01:49.560 road ahead, many of us want to feel better about it. 0:01:50.280 --> 0:01:53.200 We're trying to deprogram the messaging we learned when we 0:01:53.200 --> 0:01:58.080 were young that we expire, and quite honestly, I think 0:01:58.080 --> 0:02:01.720 that messaging was met to scare us, because as I 0:02:01.800 --> 0:02:04.920 look at the women in my life, as they age, 0:02:05.560 --> 0:02:09.520 they get happier and they get better. Today, Heidi is 0:02:09.560 --> 0:02:15.079 telling us her story through the decades, her twenties, thirties, forties, 0:02:15.320 --> 0:02:19.960 fifties and beyond, and before she declares sixties as the 0:02:19.960 --> 0:02:24.280 most joyful time of her life, from grief to heartbreak, 0:02:24.440 --> 0:02:30.160 to financial ups and downs, toxic workplaces and sobriety. Heidi 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:34.120 is going there with us today as living proof that 0:02:34.240 --> 0:02:38.760 aging is full of beauty, complexity, and wonder and so 0:02:38.880 --> 0:02:42.320 often that means the best is still yet to come. 0:02:49.320 --> 0:02:52.640 I want to kick off with your twenties, because I 0:02:52.720 --> 0:02:53.919 barely remember my twenties. 0:02:53.960 --> 0:02:57.400 I feel like I blacked out. Do you have a 0:02:57.440 --> 0:03:01.040 good memory of your twenties? Started in New York. Yeah. 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:07.280 I was twenty one when I graduated from Emerson College, 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:12.600 and I moved home for a year and my dad 0:03:12.639 --> 0:03:15.359 built me an apartment in the bottom of their house, 0:03:15.440 --> 0:03:17.640 so I had like my own apartment, but it was 0:03:17.720 --> 0:03:23.040 still under their thumb. And I worked in advertising, and 0:03:23.080 --> 0:03:26.080 I would take the Staten Island ferry every day and 0:03:26.160 --> 0:03:29.639 two subways to get to my job. It was nineteen 0:03:29.919 --> 0:03:35.480 eighty three, Yeah, nineteen eighty three, and so it was 0:03:35.520 --> 0:03:39.760 really popular to wear your work outfit but wear stockings 0:03:39.800 --> 0:03:42.840 and then white anklets and tennis sneakers and then switch 0:03:42.880 --> 0:03:45.160 into your pumps. And I was like, fuck that, I'm 0:03:45.160 --> 0:03:48.400 wearing my pumps all the time the whole time, which 0:03:48.400 --> 0:03:50.840 I've always now I'm only in sneakers. But yeah, I 0:03:50.880 --> 0:03:53.040 was like running in high heels since I was twenty 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:56.360 one years old. So most of my twenties were really 0:03:56.400 --> 0:04:01.480 about just finding my initial independence. I moved into the 0:04:01.520 --> 0:04:03.840 city after about a year at home, and it was 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:06.360 my first New York City apartment, and it was really 0:04:06.480 --> 0:04:10.400 just about like becoming a person. You know, I was 0:04:10.560 --> 0:04:15.160 under my parents' guidance and very very strict British parents 0:04:15.920 --> 0:04:19.920 for years, and it was just about discovering like who 0:04:19.960 --> 0:04:23.240 I was and what was fun. And it was a 0:04:23.279 --> 0:04:25.600 wonderful time to be in your twenties. There was no 0:04:25.760 --> 0:04:28.760 social media. You had no idea if you were winning 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:32.479 or losing or passing or failing. You were just living 0:04:32.560 --> 0:04:36.560 your life and all of these clubs were opening, and 0:04:36.680 --> 0:04:38.880 you know, it was the eighties. It was just magic. 0:04:39.800 --> 0:04:42.440 Is there a word that's defined that, Like in hindsight 0:04:42.480 --> 0:04:43.680 has defined your twenties? 0:04:44.240 --> 0:04:49.520 Just fun, free, fun, fun, fun, fun and free. I 0:04:49.600 --> 0:04:51.120 was so free. 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:53.640 I love that you mentioned social media because you've had 0:04:53.680 --> 0:04:58.360 this sort of new life happened in the last year 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:01.240 or two with social If you look back at your 0:05:01.240 --> 0:05:04.680 twenties and there was social media available, do you think 0:05:04.720 --> 0:05:06.080 it would have been very different for you? 0:05:06.600 --> 0:05:09.799 Oh, it would have been awful. Because I've been able 0:05:09.839 --> 0:05:13.800 to grow up not thinking that people are thinking about me, 0:05:14.120 --> 0:05:17.359 or saying anything about me, or focused on me at all. 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:21.200 And so I've lived my life unapologetically without worrying what 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:23.880 people think about me. Because they would have had to 0:05:23.920 --> 0:05:26.920 physically come up to me and tell me, and nobody 0:05:26.960 --> 0:05:31.039 did that. So there was such a freedom to growing 0:05:31.120 --> 0:05:35.280 up in the eighties and seventies and eighties and sixties 0:05:35.400 --> 0:05:39.279 that I feel badly for people that, you know, it's 0:05:39.320 --> 0:05:42.800 that comparison is the death of joy. Like you just 0:05:43.760 --> 0:05:46.280 all you do is look at what everybody else is doing. 0:05:46.320 --> 0:05:48.400 I didn't know what people were doing. I was getting 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:51.719 a summerhouse in the Hampton's with my friends, and I 0:05:51.800 --> 0:05:54.520 was going out every single night, and I was working 0:05:54.600 --> 0:05:58.080 crazy jobs, and I was, you know, living in New 0:05:58.160 --> 0:06:02.160 York City. I was living, you know, fucking Carrie what's 0:06:02.160 --> 0:06:06.080 her name, Bradshaw. I was Carrie Bradshaw, just like wearing 0:06:06.160 --> 0:06:09.599 Betsy Johnson and going to clubs and drinking and making 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:12.240 out with boys and bars, and it was just amazing. 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:15.359 I love that you say Carrie Bradshaw because when I 0:06:15.440 --> 0:06:18.320 was reading about it, that's that's the first name that 0:06:18.400 --> 0:06:20.960 came to my mind. But I know you kind of 0:06:21.000 --> 0:06:21.679 hate that show. 0:06:22.240 --> 0:06:25.440 I hate, and just like that I hated so much. 0:06:25.600 --> 0:06:28.800 And the truth is I went back and watched Sex 0:06:28.800 --> 0:06:31.200 and the City a few times, and the truth is 0:06:31.279 --> 0:06:33.960 it veered off of what was so wonderful about it, 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:37.160 which was women, you know, growing up and coming into 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:40.400 their own And yes it was about sex, but it 0:06:40.520 --> 0:06:43.600 was about not the physical act of sex. It was 0:06:43.680 --> 0:06:48.520 about your sexuality and finding who you loved and dating 0:06:48.800 --> 0:06:51.520 and being in the workplace. And it was about so 0:06:51.640 --> 0:06:54.560 much more than just getting late. And the news show 0:06:54.680 --> 0:06:59.080 is so like, yes, older women are still having bets. 0:06:59.400 --> 0:07:03.000 Like what ever, no one cares about it. Nobody over 0:07:03.080 --> 0:07:05.480 fifty gives a shit about sex. Maybe like one out 0:07:05.520 --> 0:07:08.120 of twenty. Really, I don't think so. 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:10.400 So wait, I'm going to save that till you till 0:07:10.480 --> 0:07:11.080 the fifties. 0:07:11.160 --> 0:07:15.160 Yeah, I actually problem. Okay, So I was having a 0:07:15.200 --> 0:07:17.119 lot of sex in my twenties for sure. 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:20.600 I didn't know your parents were strict and it's making 0:07:20.640 --> 0:07:22.560 me laugh because you're such a wild child. 0:07:23.240 --> 0:07:28.120 Oh yeah. They were British and both British and did 0:07:28.120 --> 0:07:29.920 not understand Americans at all. 0:07:30.920 --> 0:07:33.000 What was your self esteem like in your twenties. 0:07:33.680 --> 0:07:39.240 I think I liked myself. I don't really remember, but 0:07:39.360 --> 0:07:42.280 I think I thought I was pretty cool and fun 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:45.760 to be around. I think I don't think I thought 0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:49.320 that I could get any guy I wanted. I definitely 0:07:49.320 --> 0:07:53.440 did not feel confident about men, which you know. 0:07:54.960 --> 0:07:58.440 In your book you say that you're not good at relationships. 0:07:58.840 --> 0:08:02.040 Yeah no, But do you feel like, knowing what you 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:04.800 know now, any of those twenty year old relationships would 0:08:04.800 --> 0:08:05.320 have been different. 0:08:06.320 --> 0:08:09.480 Well, I will probably, you know, so many of them 0:08:09.560 --> 0:08:14.400 were forged in alcohol, so that was a problem. And 0:08:15.000 --> 0:08:18.880 I would not put up with any of the shit 0:08:18.960 --> 0:08:21.760 that I put up with in my twenties, Like, no 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:25.880 way would I have done that. But you know, we're 0:08:25.960 --> 0:08:28.840 taught that you're supposed to get married and you're supposed 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:31.160 to have kids, and so you put up with so 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:34.640 much fucking bullshit just because you think a guy's cute. 0:08:34.720 --> 0:08:36.640 And I mean, I would love to go back and 0:08:36.720 --> 0:08:39.280 repeat some of those motherfuckers as I said, and punch 0:08:39.360 --> 0:08:42.120 them all in the face. So I curse a lot. 0:08:42.200 --> 0:08:44.880 Sometimes I feel. 0:08:44.559 --> 0:08:47.400 The anger because I actually when I think back on 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:50.439 my twenty one year old self and how I dealt 0:08:50.440 --> 0:08:53.160 with men, I get angry too, like I can't believe 0:08:53.160 --> 0:08:55.040 that I have allowed certain things. 0:08:55.080 --> 0:08:57.240 I get the oh my god. Yeah, I mean there's 0:08:57.280 --> 0:09:00.679 one guy I just would like to just would literally 0:09:00.760 --> 0:09:04.079 run him down with my car and going to jail 0:09:04.120 --> 0:09:07.720 for murder just I think the judge would let me 0:09:07.760 --> 0:09:10.520 off if I told him what he did. But yeah, 0:09:10.600 --> 0:09:15.160 I just the disrespect, and you know, in general, the 0:09:15.240 --> 0:09:18.480 disrespect for women. Just growing up in the workforce in 0:09:18.520 --> 0:09:21.120 the eighties was just a shit show, you know. And 0:09:21.800 --> 0:09:25.439 I was pretty tough, so most people did not mess 0:09:25.480 --> 0:09:28.160 with me. But it was it was a lot. It 0:09:28.280 --> 0:09:29.120 really was a lot. 0:09:29.400 --> 0:09:31.560 Did you have women at work that were supportive of 0:09:31.600 --> 0:09:32.200 you or what. 0:09:32.120 --> 0:09:34.880 Was that they were worse? I mean I've had some 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:40.559 of the worst female bosses man, I mean, notorious, legendary, 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:47.240 hideous women, and I was like just fucking you know, 0:09:47.559 --> 0:09:50.640 catnip to them, like ooh, let me take down this 0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:53.080 chick that thinks she's tough. Hmmm. 0:09:53.720 --> 0:09:54.680 It was all break you. 0:09:55.600 --> 0:09:58.960 Oh yeah, I've felt that from men and women though. 0:09:59.000 --> 0:10:03.080 You know, if you're a strong confident person, people want 0:10:03.080 --> 0:10:06.080 to break you down because it makes them feel less 0:10:06.120 --> 0:10:09.360 confident in themselves. You know. It's always like I always say, 0:10:09.360 --> 0:10:11.800 if someone's telling you something they don't like about you, 0:10:11.840 --> 0:10:14.200 just hold a mirror up to them so that they're 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:17.320 actually speaking to their correct person, which is themselves. Like 0:10:17.800 --> 0:10:20.320 I just bring out a lot of things in other 0:10:20.400 --> 0:10:23.559 people that they're afraid of, which is hilarious because it's 0:10:23.559 --> 0:10:28.640 not like I'm walking around going I'm amazing like me, Like, 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:32.040 I definitely don't feel that way, you know, I'm winging 0:10:32.080 --> 0:10:33.120 it like everybody else. 0:10:34.080 --> 0:10:37.440 Yeah, but you have this like strength or I don't 0:10:37.440 --> 0:10:40.840 know what the word is, but you are so forcefully 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:44.360 yourself and I think people like I talked to a 0:10:44.480 --> 0:10:47.240 rabbi and he said that on people's deathbed, their biggest 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:50.679 regret is they didn't live their authentic life they live 0:10:50.800 --> 0:10:53.760 have Your parents are for somebody else, and you really 0:10:53.800 --> 0:10:54.280 live for you. 0:10:54.960 --> 0:10:57.600 I do, And I think that's what I preach the most. 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:00.520 And I think the thing that's made it easy easier 0:11:00.559 --> 0:11:02.320 for me as you know, people say that I am 0:11:02.400 --> 0:11:06.000 unapologetic about how I live, but I think I'm shameless 0:11:06.040 --> 0:11:09.600 about how I live, Like I refuse to have shame 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:14.760 for being different, for not doing what everyone else tells 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:17.160 you that you're supposed to do, you know, get married, 0:11:17.280 --> 0:11:21.520 have kids. I think there's so much joy in all 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:24.000 the shit that I went through because I came out 0:11:24.000 --> 0:11:28.280 the other side, you know. And I think I always 0:11:28.280 --> 0:11:30.560 say that the most important thing to me is to 0:11:30.679 --> 0:11:33.320 leave here better than I came, and I definitely think 0:11:33.360 --> 0:11:33.760 I will. 0:11:34.400 --> 0:11:37.040 Were there moments or are there still moments where you 0:11:37.120 --> 0:11:40.400 find yourself tending towards the norm in any way? Like 0:11:40.440 --> 0:11:41.760 do you feel that pressure still? 0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:45.560 No nobody cares about you once you hit fifty, They're like, yeah, 0:11:45.600 --> 0:11:47.880 she's done, stick a fork in her, she's done. 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:49.320 Do you really feel that way? 0:11:49.440 --> 0:11:51.559 You don't need to pay attention to her anymore. It's 0:11:51.600 --> 0:11:53.680 not how I feel, it's how it is. It's one 0:11:53.760 --> 0:11:57.319 hundred percent how it is in this country, in this world, 0:11:57.400 --> 0:12:02.080 women are dead after fifty. They become invisible. They are 0:12:02.120 --> 0:12:05.240 told that they are worthless because you know, you are 0:12:05.320 --> 0:12:10.640 only judged or valued for your sexuality, and you're no 0:12:10.679 --> 0:12:15.480 longer considered sexual after fifty, and women have to fight 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:20.320 their way through a decade of feeling invisible and undervalued. 0:12:20.440 --> 0:12:23.000 Like it hits you at fifty like a light switch. 0:12:23.040 --> 0:12:26.080 It's weird, and then you know you get to sixty 0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:29.400 and you're finally you have no fox left to give 0:12:29.520 --> 0:12:32.720 and you're finally like the person you were meant to 0:12:32.760 --> 0:12:33.680 be all along. 0:12:34.760 --> 0:12:37.839 I'm screwing up my outline for this interview because you're 0:12:38.840 --> 0:12:42.720 you're so interesting, but go backwards, Well, to just take 0:12:42.760 --> 0:12:45.319 it back to your twenty for a second. What's the 0:12:45.360 --> 0:12:48.920 one thing that you wish that Heidi in her twenties knew. 0:12:50.240 --> 0:12:54.760 Confidence, just full like that everything's going to be okay 0:12:54.840 --> 0:12:59.160 if you just be you, just be you, okay, live 0:12:59.200 --> 0:13:00.800 your life. Okay. 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:04.599 So in your thirties, wait, actually, moisturize. 0:13:04.840 --> 0:13:06.400 I didn't moisturize enough. 0:13:06.320 --> 0:13:08.560 Any specific moisturizer that we should be using. 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:11.760 I just moisturized your body. I took care of my face, 0:13:11.840 --> 0:13:14.640 but not my body, and my skin's so dry still. Yeah, 0:13:14.840 --> 0:13:17.079 I don't know. I got a lot of moisturizer tips, 0:13:17.360 --> 0:13:18.600 but yeah. 0:13:18.280 --> 0:13:21.559 What's the one where that would define your thirties drunk? 0:13:21.920 --> 0:13:22.319 Sadly? 0:13:23.080 --> 0:13:24.320 Oh, Heidi, I didn't know that. 0:13:25.320 --> 0:13:30.600 Hmm. Yeah. It was the decade that I got very, 0:13:30.760 --> 0:13:35.679 very very drunk and buried all of the things that 0:13:35.800 --> 0:13:40.360 I think I didn't know about my childhood or didn't 0:13:40.720 --> 0:13:44.000 I guess I knew, but I didn't know, and so 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:49.760 I got You know, I was a very functioning drunk. 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:53.319 But I always say I was too busy being drunk 0:13:53.320 --> 0:13:56.160 to get married or have like a real relationship because 0:13:56.679 --> 0:14:04.000 I was burying everything in booze. And it started out 0:14:04.080 --> 0:14:06.439 as fun. But by the end of my thirties, when 0:14:06.480 --> 0:14:09.880 I had moved to Los Angeles at thirty six, it 0:14:10.080 --> 0:14:14.040 was a disaster. And it was a disaster for four 0:14:14.120 --> 0:14:18.120 years before I finally quit just six months before my 0:14:18.120 --> 0:14:22.720 fortieth birthday. Well, you know, I was supporting myself my 0:14:22.840 --> 0:14:25.760 whole life, and so I was a very functioning drunk. 0:14:25.840 --> 0:14:27.880 I would go to work and I always work was 0:14:27.920 --> 0:14:31.440 everything to me because it was my passion. It wasn't 0:14:31.480 --> 0:14:33.280 just like, oh, I'm going to go clock in at 0:14:33.280 --> 0:14:36.640 the soda shop. You know, it was writing and creating 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:39.120 and producing. At the time when I was here, I 0:14:39.160 --> 0:14:42.040 was at Access Hollywood and I was the head writer. 0:14:42.520 --> 0:14:45.120 And I got up one morning, you know, we had 0:14:45.160 --> 0:14:46.920 to be in at like six am, And I got 0:14:47.000 --> 0:14:49.560 up one morning at five thirty and I decided to 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:54.840 have a drink and I got drunk, and I was like, fuck, 0:14:56.240 --> 0:15:00.120 I can't go to work. I can't go to work drunk. 0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:03.120 Although I probably had many times before, like had a 0:15:03.200 --> 0:15:06.600 level of hangover that was close to being drunk, but 0:15:06.960 --> 0:15:10.600 it terrified me. And let me tell you, there were 0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:14.400 plenty of moments before that that should have been the bottom, 0:15:14.440 --> 0:15:17.320 like getting pulled over by the cops, having the cops 0:15:17.320 --> 0:15:19.800 show up at my house when I disappeared one night 0:15:20.040 --> 0:15:23.080 getting thrown off an airplane, like there were many things 0:15:23.080 --> 0:15:26.160 that should have made me quit, and I didn't. And 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:29.480 so I realized, like, well, now my job is in 0:15:29.560 --> 0:15:33.240 jeopardy and I'm fucked. If I lose my job, that's it. 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:37.720 I lose my home, I lose everything. And so it 0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:41.800 was a Thursday, I continued to get drunk. I called 0:15:41.960 --> 0:15:45.080 every person that I was close to and cared about, 0:15:45.080 --> 0:15:49.760 including my parents, who I knew would not like this news, 0:15:49.880 --> 0:15:53.280 and my sisters, and I said, I am an alcoholic. 0:15:54.240 --> 0:15:58.080 I need to quit drinking, and I just hope that 0:15:58.240 --> 0:16:02.880 you'll support me. And I got drunk through that weekend, 0:16:02.920 --> 0:16:07.840 and that Monday morning I started my journey into sobriety. 0:16:07.960 --> 0:16:11.160 I think I went to one AA meeting not for me, 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:14.000 and so I just white knuckled it. And it's been 0:16:14.200 --> 0:16:18.280 twenty three years. Whoa be twenty four years in June? 0:16:18.400 --> 0:16:20.440 I've never heard that. That's really interesting. 0:16:21.080 --> 0:16:24.040 Yeah, I mean I just did not like AA. It 0:16:24.080 --> 0:16:26.760 was all like hand this over to God. And the 0:16:26.840 --> 0:16:31.120 thing about being an alcoholic for me was I felt 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:35.280 like everyone was so ashamed of their alcoholism, you know, like, 0:16:35.440 --> 0:16:39.160 keep it quiet, don't tell anyone alcoholics anonymous. And I 0:16:39.320 --> 0:16:42.880 was like, I want to tell everybody. It's not my 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:46.760 fault I became an alcoholic. I didn't molest me when 0:16:46.760 --> 0:16:50.160 I was a kid. I didn't rape me when I 0:16:50.360 --> 0:16:53.479 was drunk at thirty six, blackout, drunk in my apartment 0:16:53.640 --> 0:16:57.800 like I didn't. I wasn't the person who didn't nurture 0:16:57.960 --> 0:17:00.720 me as a child. Like, it's not my fault. So 0:17:00.880 --> 0:17:03.520 I handed the shame back to the people that deserved it. 0:17:03.600 --> 0:17:06.119 And I went about getting my life together for me 0:17:06.320 --> 0:17:09.959 so that I could live my life sober and solve 0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:13.720 my problems rather than bury them in shardenay. And I 0:17:13.840 --> 0:17:18.440 was like, if God has time for my chardonay problem, 0:17:18.680 --> 0:17:23.280 we've got bigger problems, you know. And people in AA 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:26.280 were giving these speeches and I just thought, guys, just 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:30.199 pull yourself together, just stop fucking drinking. And so it 0:17:30.240 --> 0:17:32.560 makes it I'm a little tough on people who drink, 0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:34.960 because you know, they because of this and because of that, 0:17:35.080 --> 0:17:39.240 and everyone has a lot of excuses. Just quit drinking, Yeah, 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:40.120 do it. 0:17:40.800 --> 0:17:43.960 I often hear from people who struggle with addiction that 0:17:44.000 --> 0:17:46.639 it gets really lonely. Was that true for you at all, 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:49.280 because it sounds like you got sober without a community 0:17:49.320 --> 0:17:49.760 around you. 0:17:50.840 --> 0:17:53.720 Yeah, I didn't. I didn't let it take me out. 0:17:53.880 --> 0:17:56.919 I went out every night and I drank mocktails, and 0:17:57.000 --> 0:17:58.720 I drank you know, they tell you not to drink 0:17:58.800 --> 0:18:01.119 non alcoholic beer water, I don't know. It didn't make 0:18:01.160 --> 0:18:04.359 me drunk. So I drank non alcoholic beer or I 0:18:04.400 --> 0:18:06.879 had somebody make me a mocktail. And then when it 0:18:06.920 --> 0:18:09.000 got to the point in the night where people were 0:18:09.040 --> 0:18:15.320 getting wasted, I left. I went home. And you know, 0:18:15.400 --> 0:18:18.160 there have been moments throughout the years. I think when 0:18:18.480 --> 0:18:21.359 I worked on Baby Daddy, on a set where I 0:18:21.400 --> 0:18:24.479 had a lot of fomo, you know. But the truth 0:18:24.640 --> 0:18:29.680 is nothing good happens after midnight, and nothing good happens 0:18:29.720 --> 0:18:33.560 when you are just so drunk you can't even remember 0:18:33.880 --> 0:18:39.360 your name. And I think people are afraid that they 0:18:39.359 --> 0:18:42.400 won't be themselves without booze, And the truth is, you're 0:18:42.440 --> 0:18:46.159 not yourself with booze. You've just developed this new personality, 0:18:46.240 --> 0:18:49.639 and you'll get back to who your real personality is 0:18:49.720 --> 0:18:54.280 without booze and be fun and all of your problems disappear. 0:18:54.440 --> 0:18:57.160 Because you actually face them and deal with them when 0:18:57.200 --> 0:19:01.280 you're sober, and you can drive yourself anywhere. And I 0:19:01.320 --> 0:19:04.600 became so much more curious about life when I got sober. 0:19:05.200 --> 0:19:06.680 Say more about that, What do you mean? 0:19:07.520 --> 0:19:09.159 I think one of the things that has kept me 0:19:09.240 --> 0:19:12.959 young is that I'm so curious about life. Like I 0:19:13.040 --> 0:19:15.000 see something on the internet, I'm like, Ooh, I want 0:19:15.040 --> 0:19:16.359 to try that. Oh I want to go do that. 0:19:16.400 --> 0:19:18.560 Ooh I want to go eat there. Oh what's that about? 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:20.800 And you know, when you're drunk, you're just going out 0:19:20.840 --> 0:19:23.199 with your friends, getting hammered and going home. You're not 0:19:23.320 --> 0:19:26.439 curious about anything in life except what's in your drink 0:19:26.960 --> 0:19:29.520 and what boy can you make out with? And there's 0:19:29.560 --> 0:19:31.800 a lot more to life than that, you know. And 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:35.520 I think being a curious person is just the best 0:19:35.640 --> 0:19:38.560 thing that you can be. And it's okay to do 0:19:38.680 --> 0:19:42.040 things alone. You know, you can go on vacations alone, 0:19:42.160 --> 0:19:43.840 you can go to the movies alone, you can go 0:19:43.840 --> 0:19:47.119 to dinner alone. I think take the stigma off of that, 0:19:47.359 --> 0:19:50.520 and you know, become your own best company. And I 0:19:50.560 --> 0:19:55.440 think that happened sober, so that aloneness made me sort 0:19:55.440 --> 0:19:59.359 of date myself. So I didn't look at it as lonely. 0:19:59.440 --> 0:20:01.160 I looked at it is I have a whole new 0:20:01.200 --> 0:20:02.520 person to hang out with me. 0:20:03.440 --> 0:20:07.320 I really like that were you, because everybody on the 0:20:07.320 --> 0:20:09.480 internet is obsessed with how you dress. 0:20:09.800 --> 0:20:10.400 It's such a. 0:20:10.359 --> 0:20:13.360 Part of who you are. Did you have that style 0:20:13.440 --> 0:20:14.280 in your thirties? 0:20:14.760 --> 0:20:17.320 I think I don't think I had. I think I 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:20.359 always loved fashion, for sure, but I don't think I 0:20:20.400 --> 0:20:25.959 started thinking about style until I was forty, until I 0:20:26.040 --> 0:20:29.000 really soaked into Sex and the City and I started 0:20:29.000 --> 0:20:32.520 watching Jenna Lyons, who had taken over at Banana Republic. 0:20:32.840 --> 0:20:36.639 And I still learn every day from other people on 0:20:36.720 --> 0:20:40.520 the internet. You know, it's all about I realized it 0:20:40.560 --> 0:20:43.280 wasn't about the clothes so much as the confidence and 0:20:43.760 --> 0:20:47.119 you know, making sure that you are wearing your clothes 0:20:47.160 --> 0:20:48.560 and your clothes aren't wearing you. 0:20:49.359 --> 0:20:51.879 Yeah. Because I grew up in the Midwest with like 0:20:52.040 --> 0:20:55.880 parents who were like things don't matter, I never really 0:20:55.960 --> 0:20:59.040 thought about style. And then when I moved to LA 0:20:59.119 --> 0:21:02.600 I had to learn because of my job. Yeah, and 0:21:02.720 --> 0:21:05.840 recently I met a Vogue writer, Rachel Besser, who put 0:21:05.840 --> 0:21:08.760 it in a way that I finally felt comfortable with. 0:21:08.960 --> 0:21:12.280 And she was like, you know, when you walk into 0:21:12.359 --> 0:21:16.199 a room, you're telling people about yourself. You're saying something 0:21:16.560 --> 0:21:19.280 with your clothing, with your sunglasses, whatever, it is, the 0:21:19.320 --> 0:21:23.600 way that you would with your words or your warmth. Yeah, 0:21:23.680 --> 0:21:26.480 and so I think that's what you do. Like so 0:21:26.560 --> 0:21:30.439 much of your personality is to me. I get to 0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:32.360 know you a little bit, and so much of that 0:21:32.920 --> 0:21:36.399 is conveyed in your belts and your cool skirts and 0:21:36.440 --> 0:21:39.600 your socks and all the things that you mix and match. 0:21:40.160 --> 0:21:42.720 I feel that way about my tattoos also. I think 0:21:42.760 --> 0:21:47.159 that's why I got, you know, full sleeves basically starting 0:21:47.200 --> 0:21:51.760 at fifty years old, because I wanted them to speak 0:21:51.800 --> 0:21:55.399 for me when I went somewhere. I wanted them to say, like, 0:21:55.560 --> 0:22:00.399 she's cool, She's okay, Yeah, even though she's older, she's cool. 0:22:00.480 --> 0:22:03.959 You can hang out with her. Because you do become 0:22:04.040 --> 0:22:07.119 so invisible at fifty, I wanted to do something that 0:22:07.160 --> 0:22:10.320 made me stand out a little bit more. I didn't 0:22:10.320 --> 0:22:14.760 start them till I was fifty, so I think it 0:22:14.960 --> 0:22:19.080 was your first tattoo. My first was a Tarot card 0:22:19.200 --> 0:22:23.159 temperance on my arm because it used to come up 0:22:23.200 --> 0:22:25.720 in my readings all the time. With my psychic this 0:22:25.920 --> 0:22:28.359 and she's like, this is your spirit temperance. Temperance and 0:22:28.440 --> 0:22:30.000 I didn't know what that meant, but it means to 0:22:30.040 --> 0:22:33.680 abstain from alcohol, which is insane. And so I had 0:22:33.800 --> 0:22:37.399 temperance tattooed, the whole tarot tattooed on my arm and 0:22:37.440 --> 0:22:40.639 it was huge, and I was like, oh shit, wow, okay, 0:22:40.680 --> 0:22:43.240