1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:26,960 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:31,040 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:33,239 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:36,600 Speaker 1: have you here back for another episode as we of course. 8 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 2: Break down the psychology of our twenties. If you have 9 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:44,640 Speaker 2: read the title of today's episode, you will know exactly 10 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,920 Speaker 2: what we're talking about. And what we are talking about 11 00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:51,600 Speaker 2: is the tricky trap of self improvement when it goes 12 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:54,680 Speaker 2: too far. Whether there is such a thing as too 13 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:59,160 Speaker 2: much self help content, and whether it is beneficial to 14 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:05,400 Speaker 2: constantly be chasing something better for ourselves or improving our lives. 15 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:09,920 Speaker 2: Let me firstly begin by addressing this. The irony is 16 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,720 Speaker 2: not lost on me that you are tuning into what 17 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 2: is in essence a self help podcast, and yet we 18 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:21,080 Speaker 2: are talking about the downfalls of self help. Right. You know, 19 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:25,240 Speaker 2: I have literally written a self help book. It is 20 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:29,520 Speaker 2: titled Person in Progress. Like there is probably not a 21 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,640 Speaker 2: more self helpy title for a book out there than that. 22 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,160 Speaker 2: And a lot of what I speak about on this 23 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:39,399 Speaker 2: podcast is really geared towards knowing yourself better, knowing your 24 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:43,600 Speaker 2: brain better, knowing your psychology, elevating ourselves. And yet in 25 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:46,960 Speaker 2: the background, personally, I have become a little bit disenfranchised 26 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,880 Speaker 2: with this kind of approach to our lives, with this 27 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,000 Speaker 2: feeling that there is constantly something that we need to improve, 28 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:56,400 Speaker 2: we need to fix, we need to work on. Personally, 29 00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 2: you know, I think I have taken self improvement way 30 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 2: too far in the past, and I've fallen into trap 31 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,720 Speaker 2: of thinking that if I just wake up at five AM, 32 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,960 Speaker 2: if I just quit caffeine, if I just do as 33 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:10,280 Speaker 2: many meditation retreats as possible, if I read that book, 34 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 2: if I only listen to motivational podcasts, my life will 35 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,480 Speaker 2: be better and I will finally uncover the secret to happiness. 36 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,560 Speaker 2: Guess what, None of those things have ever made me happier, 37 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:26,160 Speaker 2: and none of those things have ever made me more successful, 38 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,680 Speaker 2: because none of those activities were actually a problem to 39 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,760 Speaker 2: begin with. All of those efforts were really just a 40 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:38,560 Speaker 2: distraction for something deeper. And yeah, it has made me 41 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,440 Speaker 2: a little bit disillusioned with this space and in a 42 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:45,680 Speaker 2: more broader sense this industry that has been built around 43 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,680 Speaker 2: this space. I read this quote the other day that 44 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:51,480 Speaker 2: really summarizes it for me. You can't self help your 45 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,840 Speaker 2: way out of a life that isn't aligned with you 46 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,720 Speaker 2: to begin with. And I, for one, have really been 47 00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:00,400 Speaker 2: discovering how that is true. And so today I want 48 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:02,920 Speaker 2: to bring my thoughts to you guys to consider. I 49 00:03:02,919 --> 00:03:07,000 Speaker 2: want to talk about the nuances of self improvement from 50 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:10,400 Speaker 2: the perspective of someone who is loosely and by accident 51 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:14,520 Speaker 2: kind of based their base their career in this space, 52 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:17,920 Speaker 2: and as someone who can also openly really point to 53 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:21,000 Speaker 2: the downsides and point to the fact that there is 54 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:23,680 Speaker 2: a lot of information out there that is suffocating and 55 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:28,360 Speaker 2: unhelpful and not very useful. This is obviously not going 56 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:32,040 Speaker 2: to be a strictly anti self improvement episode, per se. 57 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,040 Speaker 2: Far from it. I think I would be shooting myself 58 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:36,880 Speaker 2: in the foot and I would literally be burning my 59 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,160 Speaker 2: career to the ground if I just sat here and 60 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:41,880 Speaker 2: hated on self improvement, because I do think that there 61 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 2: are parts of it that are incredibly important and healthy. 62 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,040 Speaker 2: What I really want it to be is a bit 63 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:51,119 Speaker 2: of an investigation into when it can go too far 64 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:55,720 Speaker 2: and who benefits from us not being happy with what 65 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,880 Speaker 2: we have. I also want us to kind of redefine 66 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:03,640 Speaker 2: self improvement and recognize that it's not just about external actions. 67 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:07,560 Speaker 2: It's definitely not just about consumption. It's not about perfection. 68 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:11,840 Speaker 2: Self improvement should really be based on self discovery and 69 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:15,320 Speaker 2: living a good balanced life and beyond that are really 70 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,440 Speaker 2: happy and fun life. And I think that that is 71 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 2: something that has kind of been lost in the flurry 72 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:25,400 Speaker 2: of self improvement information and books and speeches that we 73 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:29,560 Speaker 2: have been exposed to recently. So I am very excited 74 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,520 Speaker 2: for this episode. I'm very excited to kind of give 75 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,039 Speaker 2: you guys a peek behind the curtain as someone who 76 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 2: operates in this space and operates in this industry, and 77 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:42,400 Speaker 2: kind of reveal what authentic self improvement content looks like 78 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,560 Speaker 2: when it's just trying to sell you something and so 79 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,680 Speaker 2: much more. I just hope that today's episode kind of 80 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:52,240 Speaker 2: challenges your assumptions and gets you to really think about 81 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:56,240 Speaker 2: what real personal growth means to you, and also maybe 82 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,800 Speaker 2: think about whether the amount of self improvement content you 83 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,839 Speaker 2: are assuming has become harmful. You know, that's a question 84 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,560 Speaker 2: that you guys have to answer for yourselves. But I 85 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 2: hope I give you the tools to at least think 86 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:11,760 Speaker 2: about it without further ado. Hopefully you can sense my 87 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:14,960 Speaker 2: excitement and maybe my fear in doing this episode. But 88 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:23,000 Speaker 2: let's get into it to begin, Let's really dig into 89 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:27,919 Speaker 2: a fundamental question here. What is so powerful about self 90 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 2: help content? What is so powerful about self improvement content 91 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:36,720 Speaker 2: that compels us to buy, listen, engage in it as 92 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:41,760 Speaker 2: often as we do. To understand this, To understand this 93 00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:44,880 Speaker 2: innate drive many of us have towards self improvement, we 94 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:49,600 Speaker 2: have to dig deep into an area called humanistic psychology, 95 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:55,719 Speaker 2: which essentially focuses on human potential and the mechanisms behind 96 00:05:55,760 --> 00:06:00,520 Speaker 2: personal growth. Specifically, we have to understand this concept of 97 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:07,400 Speaker 2: our actualizing tendency. So our actualizing tendency was first identified 98 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 2: by an American psychologist called Carl Rogers, and he basically revealed, 99 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 2: discovered believed that humans, every single one of us, have 100 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:20,239 Speaker 2: an innate drive to fulfill our unique potential. We each 101 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,800 Speaker 2: have a drive to grow, to become fully functioning, to 102 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:27,520 Speaker 2: be successful in one form or another. Within every single 103 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,919 Speaker 2: one of us, there is a seed that wants to 104 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:35,599 Speaker 2: become a tree. This process is so natural, inherent instinctual 105 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,640 Speaker 2: to us since the time we are born. You know, 106 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:41,120 Speaker 2: our body wants to grow bigger and stronger. Our limbs 107 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,840 Speaker 2: want to elongate, our bones want to gain mass, and 108 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,559 Speaker 2: the same for our minds and our emotional realm as well. 109 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,320 Speaker 2: We want to learn more, we want to strive, we 110 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,240 Speaker 2: want to thrive, we want to be successful, we want 111 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:58,280 Speaker 2: to find our purpose. Now this looks different obviously across 112 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:02,760 Speaker 2: different cultures, people, personalities. Some people strive for gold medals. 113 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 2: Some people strive to push themselves physically. Other people strive 114 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,720 Speaker 2: to be a better member in their community, or to 115 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:13,480 Speaker 2: be inventive, creative, to understand themselves more. But basically, at 116 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,239 Speaker 2: the end of the day, what this theory really says 117 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,800 Speaker 2: is that we need something to work towards, otherwise we 118 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:22,600 Speaker 2: feel incomplete. So this idea is actually beautifully complemented by 119 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 2: another theory that you probably know of called Maslow's hierarchy 120 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,920 Speaker 2: of needs. It's that famous pyramid that I'm sure you've 121 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 2: seen many times, But the theory behind it is that 122 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:38,720 Speaker 2: human motivation isn't random. It actually follows a pattern that 123 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:43,520 Speaker 2: extends from a very baseline level of simple needs to 124 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,480 Speaker 2: a high level need to self actualize. So to really 125 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 2: just break down this pyramid that I'm sure you've seen 126 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 2: many many times. At the very bottom of this pyramid 127 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,160 Speaker 2: that we need to achieve before we achieve anything else 128 00:07:55,360 --> 00:08:01,000 Speaker 2: is our physiological needs, food, water, sleep, shelter. These are 129 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,440 Speaker 2: things that allow us to survive. Once those needs are 130 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:08,520 Speaker 2: reasonably met, we then want to achieve safety needs, feeling secure, 131 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:13,640 Speaker 2: having stability, personal security. Once we have that comes loving 132 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:16,800 Speaker 2: and belonging. We want connection, we want friends, we want family, 133 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 2: we want a sense of community, and then we can 134 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:24,880 Speaker 2: seek out esteem needs, so self respect, achievement, recognition from others. 135 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,960 Speaker 2: Those things can only be pursued if we have all 136 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,400 Speaker 2: of those things that have come before. That is not 137 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,920 Speaker 2: the top of the pyramid, though, the top of the pyramid. 138 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:35,400 Speaker 2: The thing at the very top, the pinnacle of this 139 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 2: pyramid is self actualization. This is the ultimate human desire 140 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,440 Speaker 2: what Maslow says every single one of us is working towards. 141 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,240 Speaker 2: It is the drive to become everything that we are 142 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:52,920 Speaker 2: essentially capable of becoming. It really centers on our drive 143 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:56,400 Speaker 2: to find something that we're good at, to find purpose, 144 00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,600 Speaker 2: to live a life that feels really meaningful, and so 145 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:04,719 Speaker 2: our ardent of an obsessive pursuit of self improvement can 146 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:08,400 Speaker 2: actually be seen as a direct manifestation of this inherent 147 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:12,400 Speaker 2: human need to climb Maslow's ladder, to aim for that 148 00:09:12,559 --> 00:09:18,920 Speaker 2: profound internal sense of fulfillment and personal conquence. So from 149 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,760 Speaker 2: the humanistic perspective, we're really drawn to growth and self 150 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:28,000 Speaker 2: improvement because it satisfies this inner longing for meaning. If 151 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,160 Speaker 2: we are improving, it means that our life has purpose. 152 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,240 Speaker 2: It means that there is something bigger than us that 153 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,920 Speaker 2: we can achieve and feel satisfied with. There's also the 154 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:40,440 Speaker 2: secondary element of this, which is that simply accomplishing something, 155 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,760 Speaker 2: working hard, being rewarded for that naturally just feels really 156 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:48,920 Speaker 2: really nice that you delayed gratification and sense of pride, 157 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:52,720 Speaker 2: Like it's a really good feeling to say I wanted 158 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,240 Speaker 2: this thing, I went after it, and I got it. 159 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,680 Speaker 2: When we learn a new skill, when we run a marathon, 160 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,200 Speaker 2: when we overcome a child lenge, like, there is an 161 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 2: inherent reward to that that really fuels growth and fuels 162 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 2: further efforts to improve. And it's this drive to engage 163 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:15,480 Speaker 2: in things from the inherent satisfaction that they bring that 164 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:20,400 Speaker 2: researchers call Intrinsic motivation. Now, this is the third concept 165 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,720 Speaker 2: you really have to understand if you want to understand 166 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:26,520 Speaker 2: why you love self improvement. Intrinsic motivation is basically the 167 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 2: purest form of motivation because it doesn't rely on others, 168 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:33,920 Speaker 2: It doesn't rely on external things. It is the joy 169 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,360 Speaker 2: and the satisfaction that we derive purely from what we 170 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:41,360 Speaker 2: get out of something and from enjoying the process. When 171 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:46,160 Speaker 2: this is our reason for pursuing self improvement goals, When 172 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,840 Speaker 2: we benefit mainly because of how something makes us feel competent, 173 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:53,480 Speaker 2: makes us feel successful, makes us feel like we have control, 174 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:58,400 Speaker 2: self improvement is primarily a beneficial thing. This is the 175 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,280 Speaker 2: space in which self improvement is really beneficial and in 176 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,520 Speaker 2: which I think all of us can benefit from having 177 00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:06,600 Speaker 2: something that we want to achieve and having something that 178 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:10,559 Speaker 2: we do feel compelled to work hard for for our 179 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:16,800 Speaker 2: own satisfaction. And so what happens when this natural striving 180 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:21,200 Speaker 2: for improvement becomes unhealthy? How does it become unhealthy is 181 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:25,760 Speaker 2: maybe a better question. It becomes unhealthy mainly because of 182 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 2: external factors. This inherent drive for growth is a very pure, 183 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:35,280 Speaker 2: positive thing. But when it becomes competitive, when it becomes 184 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,920 Speaker 2: a way that we want to prove our self worth 185 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:41,400 Speaker 2: to others, it turns very nasty and toxic. So people 186 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:45,240 Speaker 2: who really criticize self improvement and the self improvement industry, 187 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:49,840 Speaker 2: their main argument is that this approach to life is 188 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:53,920 Speaker 2: too simplistic and would have us derive our entire worth 189 00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:57,000 Speaker 2: entirely from what we can achieve from our ability to 190 00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,000 Speaker 2: push ourselves from our ability just to meet our goals, 191 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:04,839 Speaker 2: rather than the fact that we have worth purely for existing. Basically, 192 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,040 Speaker 2: what they're saying is that self improvement has become twisted 193 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,760 Speaker 2: and toxic because in this current day and age, it 194 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,760 Speaker 2: isn't about what you can do for yourself, and it 195 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,800 Speaker 2: isn't about how you can improve how you feel about yourself. 196 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:24,680 Speaker 2: It's basically how you can improve how other people see you. Often, 197 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:29,440 Speaker 2: the push for self improvement stems from societal conditioning rather 198 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,880 Speaker 2: than a purely innate drive. In today's very hyper connected, 199 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:37,840 Speaker 2: achievement focused world, there is an unspoken pressure to constantly 200 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:41,040 Speaker 2: be optimizing because of how that will make you appear 201 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,880 Speaker 2: to others, because it will allow you to get ahead, 202 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,760 Speaker 2: because it will allow you to kind of beat the competition. 203 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,880 Speaker 2: Just before we talked about how the purest form of 204 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:54,960 Speaker 2: motivation is intrinsic motivation. On the flip side to intrinsic motivation, 205 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,600 Speaker 2: we have extrinsic motivation, and this is really what we're 206 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:01,080 Speaker 2: talking about here, extrinsic motivation. When that takes over, it 207 00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:04,520 Speaker 2: means that we only do an activity for an external 208 00:13:04,559 --> 00:13:09,800 Speaker 2: reward or to basically avoid punishment. So we lose weight 209 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,560 Speaker 2: to impress or attract someone, We run a marathon to 210 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:17,600 Speaker 2: post it on social media. We pursue our artistic passion 211 00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:20,439 Speaker 2: purely because we think it's going to make us famous. 212 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,320 Speaker 2: We want a promotion simply because we want to prove 213 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:28,400 Speaker 2: that people who doubted us were wrong. The difficulty with 214 00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:33,720 Speaker 2: relying purely on extrinsic motivation is that we actually fall 215 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,800 Speaker 2: out of love and we forget the reason why we 216 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:40,360 Speaker 2: started something to begin with. Basically, we tell our brain 217 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,400 Speaker 2: the only reason to improve ourselves is if other people 218 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:48,880 Speaker 2: acknowledge that we have improved, if other people acknowledge that 219 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,720 Speaker 2: this is worthwhile. And so suddenly what was something that 220 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:55,480 Speaker 2: we once genuinely enjoyed doing, felt passionate about doing, wanted 221 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,600 Speaker 2: to do for ourselves, turns into a chore. It turns 222 00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:02,040 Speaker 2: into a discipline, access size. Sometimes it even turns into 223 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:06,280 Speaker 2: an activity that we use to kind of punish ourselves. 224 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:11,000 Speaker 2: It also turns into something that can be profited off of, 225 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:15,880 Speaker 2: and this is where the self improvement industry really steps 226 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:21,040 Speaker 2: in as a major factor and a major motivator that 227 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:26,480 Speaker 2: intensifies our drive to improve in a negative direction. Think 228 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:30,160 Speaker 2: about it. This industry is worth forty two billion dollars, 229 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,080 Speaker 2: and the only reason it's worth that much is because 230 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:38,480 Speaker 2: it excels at identifying insecurities, identifying our desire for betterment 231 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:42,120 Speaker 2: and to impress others and for control, and then offering 232 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:47,280 Speaker 2: us a seemingly very perfect solution. This industry is constantly 233 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:51,560 Speaker 2: putting forward aspirational figures that have very curated, perfect lives 234 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,440 Speaker 2: that are then paired with something that you can buy 235 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:59,640 Speaker 2: to have that life yourself, and it's very hard to 236 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:04,960 Speaker 2: res It's that glossy, beautiful, perfect packaging. You know, if 237 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,200 Speaker 2: you see someone who is in a perfect relationship, who 238 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:11,400 Speaker 2: has a perfect body, who has perfect skin, a perfect routine, 239 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,360 Speaker 2: of course you're going to want that. Because we have 240 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:18,880 Speaker 2: that natural aspirational drive. This industry really does thrive because 241 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,920 Speaker 2: it does meet a genuine human need for progress, right, 242 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,880 Speaker 2: that's not a bad thing. People do want to feel 243 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,320 Speaker 2: good about themselves. It has become toxic in recent years 244 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:33,880 Speaker 2: because it's often completely unrealistic what it's telling you is possible. 245 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,320 Speaker 2: It demands complete personal transformation that is actually very hard 246 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:42,400 Speaker 2: to achieve and very costly to achieve. The other thing 247 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:46,080 Speaker 2: is that there's a powerful kind of feedback loop at 248 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:50,320 Speaker 2: play here. Our desire for growth and improvement creates demand, 249 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,280 Speaker 2: and the industry supplies it, and then it intensifies our 250 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:58,280 Speaker 2: dissatisfaction with ourselves and our insecurity is to drive even 251 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:02,640 Speaker 2: more demand so that we want their supply. So this 252 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:06,720 Speaker 2: is why we often feel like the bar keeps moving. 253 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,320 Speaker 2: This is why we often feel like we are chasing 254 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:12,880 Speaker 2: an ideal that's just not reachable. It's because the moment 255 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,440 Speaker 2: that we perhaps achieve the dream life that is being 256 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:20,280 Speaker 2: sold to us, well, they can't make money off of 257 00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:24,320 Speaker 2: you anymore. You know, you're no longer a customer, and 258 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,440 Speaker 2: so the bar does have to keep getting higher so 259 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:30,600 Speaker 2: that there is still demand for what they're putting out. 260 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,720 Speaker 2: What I mean by this is that it's not just 261 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:37,440 Speaker 2: feeling like Nowadays, having a good life isn't just feeling 262 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,080 Speaker 2: full and feeling happy and having a job that brings 263 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:44,000 Speaker 2: you purpose. It's also having a skincare routine. And once 264 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,600 Speaker 2: you have the skin care routine, it's also having a 265 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:50,080 Speaker 2: really good nighttime routine that involves taking a certain supplement 266 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,200 Speaker 2: or that involves a certain eyemask, and once you achieve that, 267 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:55,240 Speaker 2: they go okay, well, actually that's not going to make 268 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,200 Speaker 2: you happy. The next thing is that you have to 269 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,600 Speaker 2: have the perfect body, and then once you have that, 270 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:02,640 Speaker 2: then we actually need to give you this. There is 271 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:06,159 Speaker 2: no end goal here. There is always going to be 272 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:10,240 Speaker 2: a deficit in your life that a product or a 273 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:16,080 Speaker 2: thing that you can buy will seemingly fulfill and make 274 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,240 Speaker 2: better for you. The thing that a lot of people 275 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,560 Speaker 2: in this industry have actually gotten really good at, and 276 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 2: I think this has become the tricky thing, is that 277 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:28,520 Speaker 2: they mix the perfect lifestyle with occasionally actually talking about 278 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:33,560 Speaker 2: failure and with occasionally showing themselves as imperfect so you 279 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:37,240 Speaker 2: feel like they're more like you. And by doing that 280 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:41,639 Speaker 2: they also really stoke this sense that hey, maybe I 281 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,720 Speaker 2: can actually be like this person. Have you noticed this. 282 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,560 Speaker 2: I've noticed this a lot recently. Is there are a 283 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:51,720 Speaker 2: lot of you know, self improvement individuals who will only 284 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:55,520 Speaker 2: talk about failure in the context of it making them better. 285 00:17:56,840 --> 00:18:00,520 Speaker 2: They will only talk about the imperfections in the context 286 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:05,240 Speaker 2: of helping them love themselves more. They will only talk 287 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:09,639 Speaker 2: about hard things in the context that they have learned 288 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,920 Speaker 2: or they have overcome that hard thing. There is never 289 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,919 Speaker 2: this discussion of like, oh, sometimes this is just hard 290 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,679 Speaker 2: and this doesn't have a solution and you have to 291 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:22,880 Speaker 2: just sit in the suckiness of life. There is always 292 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,280 Speaker 2: a butt, there is always an and there is always 293 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:31,480 Speaker 2: some philosophy or some book or something that you can 294 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:35,440 Speaker 2: then do that they have done that will fix your problem. 295 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:40,440 Speaker 2: The thing is, though you can't buy your way into 296 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:45,760 Speaker 2: a more fulfilling life, you can't buy your way into happiness. 297 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 2: One of you guys, one of the listeners, actually messaged 298 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,080 Speaker 2: me about this and I thought what you shared was perfect, 299 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,000 Speaker 2: so I'm going to share it here. They gave the 300 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,040 Speaker 2: most beautiful summary. If you could buy your way to 301 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:01,200 Speaker 2: self improvement and to perfection, rich people would have no problems, 302 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,159 Speaker 2: and yet they do, and in turn, some of the 303 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:08,080 Speaker 2: happiest people have the least. Because this process that we 304 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:11,080 Speaker 2: are all aiming for isn't about what we can buy 305 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,680 Speaker 2: isn't about a product, isn't about what we can achieve 306 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:17,520 Speaker 2: for others. It's about personal introspection and there is no 307 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:21,960 Speaker 2: market price for that. There is no thing that can 308 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,879 Speaker 2: fast forward that process. You actually just have to do 309 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,800 Speaker 2: the hard work. There's an important question that really emerges 310 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:32,399 Speaker 2: from this as well, which is self improvement actually making 311 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:36,119 Speaker 2: us more self centered because it's subtly becoming more about 312 00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:40,399 Speaker 2: improving social standing and appearances and the external impression we 313 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,080 Speaker 2: have rather than how we feel when no one else 314 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,040 Speaker 2: is around. And I think the answer is yes, I 315 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,920 Speaker 2: do think that self improvement has made us think about 316 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:53,120 Speaker 2: ourselves way too much. Self help is mainly a Western 317 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:56,920 Speaker 2: idea that makes most of its money in Western countries 318 00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:01,040 Speaker 2: like the US, like the UK, like Australia, Canada, where 319 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,680 Speaker 2: we know psychologically that a lot of societies are more 320 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:11,760 Speaker 2: individualistic rather than collective. The thing is, though human happiness 321 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:16,520 Speaker 2: and joy fundamentally has community and its center. We were 322 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:19,359 Speaker 2: built to not care about ourselves as much as we 323 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,160 Speaker 2: care about others and the collective. And we were built 324 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:26,680 Speaker 2: as well to be loved, to belong, to be cared for, 325 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 2: to care for others, and when we are entirely focused 326 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,040 Speaker 2: on self improvement, we obviously have less space to think 327 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:35,639 Speaker 2: about how we could be a better neighbor. We have 328 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,040 Speaker 2: less space to think about how we could give back. 329 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,840 Speaker 2: We have less space to think about whether we are 330 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,520 Speaker 2: available to our friends and our families, to think about 331 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:46,280 Speaker 2: whether we are a good sibling, we are a good partner, 332 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:49,159 Speaker 2: we are a good daughter, whatever. It is. One of 333 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:54,840 Speaker 2: the most robust studies on human happiness ever done, ever conducted, 334 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:59,520 Speaker 2: was a longitudinal study from Harvard and they looked at 335 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,879 Speaker 2: people cross their lifespan and they found that more than 336 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:07,080 Speaker 2: personal achievements, more than appearance, the biggest predictor of whether 337 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:12,359 Speaker 2: you were happy was meaningful relationships. Yet, when you know 338 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:16,800 Speaker 2: self improvement becomes hyper individualized, it can erode that for 339 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,800 Speaker 2: a lot of people. It can mean that we aren't 340 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,920 Speaker 2: focusing on what really matters. Now. Of course, there's a 341 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:27,280 Speaker 2: difference between being self focused, being self obsessed, and being selfish. 342 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,120 Speaker 2: And you guys know, even I'm an advocate for being 343 00:21:30,359 --> 00:21:33,000 Speaker 2: selfish sometimes and just saying I've got to lock in 344 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,679 Speaker 2: and focus on myself because I want more for me. 345 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,560 Speaker 2: I need to do this for me, I need this 346 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,440 Speaker 2: sense of fulfillment. But how long can naturally last before 347 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,280 Speaker 2: you look around and realize, you know, in the pursuit 348 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,760 Speaker 2: of becoming the best version of me, I'm actually no 349 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,600 Speaker 2: longer a nice person to be around. I'm no longer 350 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,920 Speaker 2: someone who's fun. I'm no longer someone who actually is 351 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,880 Speaker 2: joyful and enjoys any part of this. Where does that 352 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,720 Speaker 2: lead us? Well? I want to introduce you to the 353 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,000 Speaker 2: content of self improvement burnout and why it has become 354 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,480 Speaker 2: way more common than you may think after this shortbreak. 355 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:14,720 Speaker 2: To stay with us, something that I think is becoming 356 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,679 Speaker 2: more and more common is that we are becoming burnt 357 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:21,480 Speaker 2: out not by things we have to do, but by 358 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,200 Speaker 2: things that we feel we need to do in order 359 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:28,560 Speaker 2: to be successful and impressive. In that way, sometimes self 360 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,520 Speaker 2: care has kind of turned into a weird form of 361 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:35,359 Speaker 2: mental self harm. I have this thing that I do 362 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:39,399 Speaker 2: what I'm feeling overwhelmed, where I look at my to 363 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,479 Speaker 2: do list because I realize that a lot of stress 364 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,679 Speaker 2: obviously comes from my to do list, but it typically 365 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:46,960 Speaker 2: comes from things that actually don't deserve to be on there. 366 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,359 Speaker 2: And I will look at my to do list and 367 00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:51,480 Speaker 2: I'll break it down into things that I have to do, 368 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,840 Speaker 2: things that I would like to do, and things that 369 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:59,119 Speaker 2: are like complete extras, almost entirely pointless or optional. And 370 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:02,920 Speaker 2: anytime I I'm stressed, I can guarantee you that that 371 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,240 Speaker 2: extras list, that optionals list, that would like to list 372 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:10,959 Speaker 2: has become full of things that I feel like I 373 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,919 Speaker 2: have to do to impress others, or that I feel 374 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:17,000 Speaker 2: like I have to do to be my very best self, 375 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,400 Speaker 2: when actually they're kind of robbing me of a lot 376 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:22,720 Speaker 2: of joy, things like, Okay, today I need to take 377 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,280 Speaker 2: in everything shower today, I need to do at least 378 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,560 Speaker 2: twenty thousand steps today, I need to do my two 379 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:33,200 Speaker 2: workouts today, I need to meal prep. And yes, those 380 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,720 Speaker 2: things would be nice, and yes I'm sure those things 381 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:39,320 Speaker 2: would better me as a person, But actually in that moment, 382 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,879 Speaker 2: they're not. They're just creating more stress, and there's no 383 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:46,320 Speaker 2: self improvement actually happening in those moments. It's all like 384 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,800 Speaker 2: self flagulation and self sabotage. This is what I call 385 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:53,840 Speaker 2: self improvement burnout. It's a specific kind of exhaustion that 386 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:59,000 Speaker 2: happens when you're constantly pushing yourself, You're constantly striving for more, 387 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:02,440 Speaker 2: you're not taking breaks, you're not reflecting because you are 388 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:05,840 Speaker 2: too caught up in this idea of a perfect life 389 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:10,320 Speaker 2: and these outside goals that aren't actually really helping you 390 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,960 Speaker 2: be successful in that moment, your body and your mind. 391 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,959 Speaker 2: You are on a machine. You are not a machine 392 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:21,119 Speaker 2: that is designed for endless optimization without periods of recovery 393 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:24,440 Speaker 2: and decompression. In fact, a study that I read recently 394 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,600 Speaker 2: essentially concluded that every single one of us needs at 395 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:30,560 Speaker 2: least three and a half hours of downtime a day 396 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:35,440 Speaker 2: to maintain optimal brain health and to actually feel well 397 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:39,359 Speaker 2: rested and to feel good in ourselves and our body. 398 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,159 Speaker 2: Some estimates would even tell you that you need more 399 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,720 Speaker 2: than that, you need four or five hours. This is 400 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:48,760 Speaker 2: how much time our very ancient bodies and minds would 401 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,560 Speaker 2: have been used to in the past. This is what 402 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:56,560 Speaker 2: they were designed to experience, compared to today in a 403 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,840 Speaker 2: modern context, where every single hour of our day seems 404 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:02,159 Speaker 2: to counted for. You know, you have to work for 405 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,080 Speaker 2: eight to ten hours, then you have to do exercise, 406 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,120 Speaker 2: and you have to commute, and you have to focus 407 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:10,159 Speaker 2: on some outside activity that you're invested in, and you 408 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,240 Speaker 2: have to see your friends, and you have to do chores, 409 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:16,000 Speaker 2: and all of that does actually accumulate, and it means 410 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:21,520 Speaker 2: that we actually don't function as well as we could. Essentially, 411 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,000 Speaker 2: I'm making the argument that we need more space to 412 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:29,640 Speaker 2: simply just exist rather than do. If chasing self improvement 413 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:33,600 Speaker 2: becomes as very rigid, unyielding master, it could completely strip 414 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,120 Speaker 2: away the joy that you're meant to have about your 415 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,440 Speaker 2: life in the first place. You know what we need 416 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:40,280 Speaker 2: to talk about here. We need to talk about how 417 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:45,080 Speaker 2: self improvement can turn into an obsession with tracking metrics 418 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,639 Speaker 2: rather than with how we're feeling. You know, there are 419 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,720 Speaker 2: apps for everything these days, for your steps, for your food, 420 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:55,400 Speaker 2: for your sleep, for your productivity. They're helpful for accountability, 421 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,920 Speaker 2: but they're also a little bit of a trap. If 422 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:02,679 Speaker 2: every aspect of your life is optimized and measured like 423 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:07,439 Speaker 2: you do lose joy. Numbers become the goal. If working 424 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,399 Speaker 2: out only becomes about hitting a certain number of calories burned, 425 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:14,359 Speaker 2: do you even enjoy the movement? If writing only becomes 426 00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:17,400 Speaker 2: about hitting a word count, are you actually making your 427 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:20,280 Speaker 2: best work? And are you actually connected with creative flow? 428 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,360 Speaker 2: And this is where toxic self improvement can often disguise 429 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:28,480 Speaker 2: itself as discipline. We might tell ourselves no pain, no gain, 430 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,320 Speaker 2: You know, I just need to push through this. Nothing 431 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:35,600 Speaker 2: good comes without hard work. Yes, sometimes that's true, but 432 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:42,320 Speaker 2: sometimes discipline is actually just creating unhealthy internal pressure. That 433 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,280 Speaker 2: means that when you finally get to the goal, you 434 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:48,000 Speaker 2: don't even enjoy it because you've sacrificed so much that 435 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:53,199 Speaker 2: the process of getting there has brought you zero happiness. 436 00:26:54,119 --> 00:26:57,960 Speaker 2: Discipline is a very important part of life. Discipline is 437 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:02,040 Speaker 2: what brings great things into the world and does allow 438 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,720 Speaker 2: you to meet your goals. But I really like to 439 00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:08,040 Speaker 2: follow the idea of an eighty twenty split. There are 440 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,879 Speaker 2: going to be periods of your life or you are 441 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:13,040 Speaker 2: working really hard towards something I think about, you know, 442 00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:15,560 Speaker 2: my final year of high school, or my final year 443 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,600 Speaker 2: of UNI, or even sometimes when I was writing my 444 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:22,560 Speaker 2: book or when I'm working. There are really busy periods, 445 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,119 Speaker 2: and sometimes you do have to lean into the fact 446 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:26,960 Speaker 2: that there is a higher goal that you are really 447 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,359 Speaker 2: excited about that you want to work hard for. You 448 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:33,560 Speaker 2: also need that twenty percent to ground you, and you 449 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,240 Speaker 2: need that twenty percent to be able to look around 450 00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:39,600 Speaker 2: and remain attached to the life you have right now. 451 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,920 Speaker 2: It's very easy to get lost in the pursuit of 452 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:46,679 Speaker 2: discipline because it's so romanticized. But a lot of people 453 00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:51,359 Speaker 2: who I see occasionally who are quite disciplined actually don't 454 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:55,720 Speaker 2: have very interesting lives, and they actually aren't really interested 455 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:59,520 Speaker 2: in anything other than their goals. And perhaps that's what 456 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:01,840 Speaker 2: they want for their life. And I'm not someone to 457 00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:04,920 Speaker 2: judge them or tell them not to do that, But personally, 458 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:07,680 Speaker 2: for me, I don't want to get to the end 459 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:10,159 Speaker 2: of my life and look around and realize that I 460 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:14,320 Speaker 2: spent my whole life disciplined and trying to improve myself 461 00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:17,240 Speaker 2: and trying to optimize, and I actually am going to 462 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:19,760 Speaker 2: end up in the same place as everyone else. Is 463 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:22,600 Speaker 2: life really about how much you can optimize your time 464 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:24,840 Speaker 2: or how much you can enjoy your time? We also 465 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,520 Speaker 2: have to be cautious of the fact that sometimes discipline 466 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,320 Speaker 2: is a sneaky way that our brains can rationalize extreme 467 00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:33,760 Speaker 2: behaviors in the name of a goal. If you are 468 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,080 Speaker 2: someone who was quite obsessive, if you are someone who 469 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,960 Speaker 2: finds they really struggle with perfectionism, they have to do 470 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:43,120 Speaker 2: things perfectly or they can't do them at all, you 471 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,520 Speaker 2: should kind of maybe approach discipline with a little bit 472 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:50,240 Speaker 2: of caution, because it's a slippery slope. It's one I 473 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:53,720 Speaker 2: found myself on where what starts with wanting to be 474 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:57,880 Speaker 2: productive comes with being unable to quit even when the 475 00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:00,440 Speaker 2: thing you're pursuing is no longer making you happy, even 476 00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:04,480 Speaker 2: when your life is kind of falling apart. External goals 477 00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:06,720 Speaker 2: that you put one hundred and twenty percent of yourself 478 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:09,520 Speaker 2: into are actually, at the end of the day, you know, 479 00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:14,280 Speaker 2: really great distractions for deeper dissatisfaction. It's a great way 480 00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:17,480 Speaker 2: to never actually look at your life and contemplate what 481 00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 2: would truly make you happy and what is maybe under 482 00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:23,560 Speaker 2: the surface that you need to unpack when you aren't 483 00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,680 Speaker 2: able to hide behind constant goals, when you can't hide 484 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:30,200 Speaker 2: behind constant explanations, or something bigger than yourself that you 485 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:33,520 Speaker 2: need to achieve. Here's another subtle, bit insidious trap that 486 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:38,800 Speaker 2: self improvement content can sometimes trick us into over intellectualizing 487 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:43,840 Speaker 2: and consuming without actually making changes, consuming instead of applying, 488 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:47,920 Speaker 2: watching but never learning, thinking that we're doing something about 489 00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:50,560 Speaker 2: a problem or in insecurity that we have when we're 490 00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:54,640 Speaker 2: actually not really engaging on a deeper level. I think 491 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:59,520 Speaker 2: this is especially common when we excessively consume self help 492 00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:02,400 Speaker 2: content and rather than apply it because we think that 493 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:05,560 Speaker 2: it's fixing something in our brain when we bury ourselves 494 00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:09,040 Speaker 2: in podcasts like this one, or books or seminars or 495 00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:13,000 Speaker 2: online courses, and we're gathering vast amounts of information and 496 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:17,680 Speaker 2: psychological insights but never actually implementing them into actionable steps. 497 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,840 Speaker 2: The thing about this is that it can feel productive, 498 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,880 Speaker 2: it can feel like you're doing something meaningful, but again, 499 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:26,240 Speaker 2: it is a form of false discipline, or a form 500 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:31,800 Speaker 2: of procrastination, or perhaps the substitute for real work. You 501 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:35,560 Speaker 2: know all the strategies, you know how to improve productivity, 502 00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:39,959 Speaker 2: you know how to improve your relationships. But having knowledge 503 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:43,600 Speaker 2: and doing something about it are completely different things. Sometimes 504 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:46,000 Speaker 2: I feel like there's a certain kind of person who 505 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,040 Speaker 2: and I used to be this, who consumes a lot 506 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:50,160 Speaker 2: of self help content and becomes kind of like a 507 00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:54,760 Speaker 2: knowledge hoarder rather than a knowledge applier. And I think 508 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:57,280 Speaker 2: sometimes the reason that I at least did it and 509 00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:59,760 Speaker 2: some other people may do it is because it feels 510 00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:01,360 Speaker 2: like if we just know a little bit more, if 511 00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:03,040 Speaker 2: we just know a little bit more we have to 512 00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:06,400 Speaker 2: know everything, then we can finally act. Then we can 513 00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:10,160 Speaker 2: finally make a decision about what the right thing is 514 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:12,840 Speaker 2: to do, but it just ends up being mental clutter. 515 00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:15,880 Speaker 2: Like you just end up being more confused. That is why, 516 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:18,720 Speaker 2: you know. On my podcast, I always try to give 517 00:31:18,720 --> 00:31:21,880 Speaker 2: you guys good tools that you can actually apply to 518 00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:25,400 Speaker 2: your life, that are accessible and realistic, so that what 519 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:28,720 Speaker 2: you're hearing isn't just information, it's things that you can implement. 520 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:32,480 Speaker 2: It's not just a you know, it's not just clutter. 521 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,040 Speaker 2: This is kind of a nice place to actually shift 522 00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:38,240 Speaker 2: gears and talk about what is a healthy approach to 523 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 2: self improvement. We kind of have already talked about it. 524 00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:42,480 Speaker 2: I just want to give you a few more steps 525 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:46,680 Speaker 2: to identify when it is healthy versus unhealthy. A truly 526 00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:52,240 Speaker 2: healthy approach to self improvement thrives on, firstly, clarity around 527 00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:54,800 Speaker 2: what you actually want to do and why you actually 528 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:58,040 Speaker 2: want to do it. Is this goal that you've set 529 00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:02,960 Speaker 2: intrinsically or extrinsic motivated? Is there a genuine problem here 530 00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:06,680 Speaker 2: or are you just searching for something wrong in your 531 00:32:06,720 --> 00:32:09,320 Speaker 2: life as a proxy for something deeper that you don't 532 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:13,160 Speaker 2: actually want to address. A truly healthy approach is one 533 00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:16,320 Speaker 2: that is quite honest, one that is quite honest about 534 00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:20,600 Speaker 2: your intentions, your motivations, what you are actually capable of 535 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:24,560 Speaker 2: and is honest about the outcome. This big thing that 536 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:28,640 Speaker 2: you may want, it probably won't completely change your life. 537 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:32,280 Speaker 2: It probably won't make you the most successful, best version 538 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:36,000 Speaker 2: of you if you haven't done the deeper internal work 539 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:41,000 Speaker 2: in a practical way, through therapy, through really knowing yourself, 540 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:46,840 Speaker 2: through experience, through testing yourself first. I think it's also 541 00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:50,520 Speaker 2: important that you know what your enough point is. You 542 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:54,560 Speaker 2: know what you're really working towards, before you start a project, 543 00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,800 Speaker 2: before you start a new workout routine, before you start 544 00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:02,520 Speaker 2: a goal, before you start you know a new career trajectory. 545 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:06,840 Speaker 2: For example, if you have a lofty goal of wanting 546 00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:11,080 Speaker 2: to be fitter and healthier, you need some kind of 547 00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:14,920 Speaker 2: end goal for that where you're going to allow yourself 548 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:17,840 Speaker 2: to sit back and just be happy. This really counteracts 549 00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:20,160 Speaker 2: the idea that we have to constantly be getting better. 550 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:23,080 Speaker 2: You also need to have points where you can reflect 551 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:25,320 Speaker 2: and look back and see how far you've come. And 552 00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:29,680 Speaker 2: sometimes having smaller goals or having an enough point for 553 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:33,360 Speaker 2: the current phase of your goal is really crucial so 554 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,520 Speaker 2: that you are constantly not just on a path that 555 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:38,880 Speaker 2: or not just raising the bar in yourself, not just 556 00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:42,280 Speaker 2: on a ladder that never ends. You're actually able to say, Wow, 557 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:44,840 Speaker 2: I'm really proud of how far I've come. I'm really 558 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:47,880 Speaker 2: proud of where I am at right now. Maybe I 559 00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:50,360 Speaker 2: don't need to get better, Maybe I don't need to 560 00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:53,960 Speaker 2: improve from here. This is where I always imagine myself. 561 00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:57,520 Speaker 2: This also requires, you know, setting realistic expectations based on 562 00:33:57,560 --> 00:34:01,800 Speaker 2: your actual resources, not based on someone else's resources, not 563 00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:05,400 Speaker 2: based on anyone else's commitment or energy levels or time. 564 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:10,680 Speaker 2: What are you actually capable of? Realistically, if you plan 565 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:14,719 Speaker 2: three runs and you run three times, that's a success. 566 00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:17,920 Speaker 2: Don't beat yourself up for not running five times like 567 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:20,680 Speaker 2: someone else if you know running five times a week 568 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:25,839 Speaker 2: was never realistic. Please be careful with not setting parameters 569 00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:29,439 Speaker 2: that can be achieved by people who don't have full 570 00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:33,239 Speaker 2: time jobs, don't have the same kind of financial stresses 571 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:37,040 Speaker 2: that you may have, have entire teams behind them, have 572 00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:41,720 Speaker 2: personal assistance. Just because you can't meet that same level 573 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,839 Speaker 2: as them doesn't mean you are failing. They wouldn't even 574 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:47,040 Speaker 2: be able to meet that same level if they didn't 575 00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:50,719 Speaker 2: have the resources that they had. When you are comparing 576 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:54,799 Speaker 2: yourself to someone online who seemingly has everything together and 577 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:58,880 Speaker 2: is the most efficient, productive person out there. Take a 578 00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:02,399 Speaker 2: second and think about what you are not seeing, which 579 00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:05,800 Speaker 2: is the amount of help that they receive, the amount 580 00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:08,600 Speaker 2: of people that are on their teams, on their side, 581 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:13,240 Speaker 2: the luxury that is afforded to them by wealth, by significance, 582 00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:17,120 Speaker 2: by having a platform. All of that does stack up. 583 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,680 Speaker 2: And just promise me that even if you have big goals, 584 00:35:19,719 --> 00:35:22,360 Speaker 2: which of course are important, and which you are allowed 585 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:24,960 Speaker 2: and should have, just take a break every now and 586 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,640 Speaker 2: again and do something purely for the heck of it. 587 00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:31,920 Speaker 2: Do something that serves no greater purpose, that has no meaning, 588 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:35,440 Speaker 2: that has nothing to do with success, nothing to do 589 00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:37,960 Speaker 2: with productivity, nothing to do with your current goal. Just 590 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,600 Speaker 2: do it. Do something just because you want to, Like, 591 00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:43,600 Speaker 2: take a day off, just because you want to go 592 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:46,080 Speaker 2: see a movie at two pm, just because you want 593 00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:49,800 Speaker 2: to do something fun in a mango in the shower, 594 00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:52,319 Speaker 2: like I don't know, just go to the dog park 595 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:54,200 Speaker 2: and just like lie and it comes from the dogs, 596 00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:56,880 Speaker 2: just because you want to, Like I also want to stress. Again, 597 00:35:57,200 --> 00:36:01,280 Speaker 2: life is not just about optimization. It's also about enjoyment. 598 00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:06,160 Speaker 2: You will lead and you will find yourself constantly miserable. 599 00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:09,960 Speaker 2: If the only thing you ever enjoy or feel proud 600 00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:14,120 Speaker 2: of doing is something that only comes from pushing yourself really, 601 00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:16,480 Speaker 2: really hard. There are so many just like simple things 602 00:36:16,520 --> 00:36:20,160 Speaker 2: that require no work to feel good about, that require 603 00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:23,480 Speaker 2: no effort to enjoy. Make sure you have a good 604 00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:25,640 Speaker 2: mixture of those things as well. Okay, we're going to 605 00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:27,759 Speaker 2: take a short break, but when we return, I have 606 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,640 Speaker 2: a couple listener questions before we wrap up, so stay 607 00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:39,200 Speaker 2: with us. Okay, welcome back to our discussion on self improvement? 608 00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:41,480 Speaker 2: Can it go too far? Has it gone too far? 609 00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,560 Speaker 2: We're going to talk through some more interesting questions that 610 00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:47,200 Speaker 2: you guys sent me on the topic of self improvement, 611 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:49,960 Speaker 2: starting with this question, which I thought was just a 612 00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:52,520 Speaker 2: really nice, lighthearted one to begin with. What it's some 613 00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:56,919 Speaker 2: actually good and worthwhile self improvement resources that you personally use. 614 00:36:57,680 --> 00:36:59,919 Speaker 2: I really like this question because you know, obviously, working 615 00:36:59,880 --> 00:37:03,280 Speaker 2: in the space like I do, still engage in self 616 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:05,400 Speaker 2: help content quite a bit, and I still find it 617 00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:08,680 Speaker 2: really useful to give me a different perspective and interesting. 618 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:13,000 Speaker 2: A couple of books that I really love, The Alchemist. 619 00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:16,319 Speaker 2: I think this book is self helpy without being too 620 00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:19,439 Speaker 2: self helpy, and I love it. The Four Agreements also 621 00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:23,960 Speaker 2: kind of like another spiritual coded book that I find 622 00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:27,799 Speaker 2: really interesting. The Untethered Soul is another one I tend 623 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:32,400 Speaker 2: to prefer like more spiritual books for my self help books, 624 00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:35,040 Speaker 2: just because I spend so much time in the science 625 00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:38,560 Speaker 2: with this podcast, I genuinely think I would read at 626 00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:43,040 Speaker 2: least or at least look at fifty plus academic articles 627 00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:45,640 Speaker 2: every single week, so I get enough from that. When 628 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,239 Speaker 2: I engage in self help reading, I want something that's 629 00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:51,879 Speaker 2: a bit more introspective and light I guess, not light, 630 00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:55,800 Speaker 2: but a bit less scientific. I also really like personal memoirs. 631 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:58,520 Speaker 2: I think that personal memoirs are a really great place 632 00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:01,719 Speaker 2: to start slash go to if you are kind of 633 00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:05,759 Speaker 2: sick of, you know, reading the same old self help 634 00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:09,920 Speaker 2: books all the time. The Book of Joy is another 635 00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:12,600 Speaker 2: one that I really really like. It's about happiness, it's 636 00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:15,520 Speaker 2: about humanity, it's about gratitude, it's about what it means 637 00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:18,280 Speaker 2: to live a good life, which I think is something 638 00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:21,160 Speaker 2: we could all benefit from. I also really like the 639 00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:25,799 Speaker 2: Dare app. It's like a meditation anti anxiety app that 640 00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:28,520 Speaker 2: I find really useful, and it's practical and it will 641 00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:32,000 Speaker 2: get straight to the heart of your problem immediately, especially 642 00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:34,640 Speaker 2: if you're someone who's dealing with anxious thoughts or dealing 643 00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:39,479 Speaker 2: with how to approach fear. Also a podcast that I love. 644 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:43,040 Speaker 2: Two podcasts that I love. I love solgam by Victoria 645 00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:47,319 Speaker 2: Hudgens The Daily Victorian on Instagram. She has actually been 646 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:52,600 Speaker 2: on the podcast before. I just love how she intersects spirituality, philosophy, 647 00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:56,840 Speaker 2: and psychology. I think that is so powerful. Do You 648 00:38:56,920 --> 00:39:00,480 Speaker 2: Fucking Mind? By Alexis Fernandez is also another part podcast 649 00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:03,719 Speaker 2: that I adore. She is also a personal friend of 650 00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:07,120 Speaker 2: mine and she is a neuroscientist. I love getting content 651 00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:10,200 Speaker 2: from people who know their shit, and I love getting 652 00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:13,400 Speaker 2: content from people who are experts but also have a 653 00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:17,719 Speaker 2: lot of empathy rather than just like a one track 654 00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:21,200 Speaker 2: mind when approaching topics like this, I like people who 655 00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:23,720 Speaker 2: are willing to see different sides of something and willing 656 00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:27,080 Speaker 2: to open the door to a discussion or two different 657 00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:29,520 Speaker 2: ways of approaching it, rather than just being like, this 658 00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:31,359 Speaker 2: is the best way to go about something and there 659 00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,839 Speaker 2: is no other alternative. So those are kind of my 660 00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:37,759 Speaker 2: favorite resources. This next question, I really love when is 661 00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:39,920 Speaker 2: the right time to be disciplined versus when do I 662 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:42,719 Speaker 2: know that I need to take a break? I think 663 00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:44,759 Speaker 2: you need to take a break when you don't even 664 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:48,000 Speaker 2: care about the outcome anymore, when you're thinking more about 665 00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:51,000 Speaker 2: how other people will view you more than how this 666 00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:54,719 Speaker 2: goal will change your view of yourself. When it's becoming suffocating, 667 00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:59,200 Speaker 2: when it's overwhelming everything else, when there's nothing about it 668 00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:02,879 Speaker 2: that you even lightly enjoy, When when you just feel 669 00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:04,640 Speaker 2: like you need a break, is when you need a break. 670 00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:07,400 Speaker 2: You know, discipline, it's incredible, it's a great skill. We 671 00:40:07,440 --> 00:40:10,160 Speaker 2: need it to follow through. It can't be your whole life. 672 00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:13,600 Speaker 2: Make sure you have some spontaneity and some fun. There 673 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:15,640 Speaker 2: was kind of a second part to this question, which 674 00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:19,040 Speaker 2: is how to know when you've consumed enough self help content? 675 00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:21,360 Speaker 2: So not just how to know when you've pushed yourself 676 00:40:21,719 --> 00:40:23,279 Speaker 2: too far in terms of a goal, but how to 677 00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:27,640 Speaker 2: know when you've overwhelmed yourself with more answers than you need. 678 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:32,520 Speaker 2: I think you know that you've consumed too much self 679 00:40:32,520 --> 00:40:36,839 Speaker 2: help content when you can't trust yourself anymore, when you 680 00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:39,880 Speaker 2: always need someone else to give you the answer, to 681 00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:44,640 Speaker 2: provide reassurance or an explanation, rather than just being prepared 682 00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:47,440 Speaker 2: to learn, to experience and to try things out and 683 00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:53,080 Speaker 2: make mistakes. When you're intellectualizing and gathering information rather than 684 00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:56,839 Speaker 2: doing things, you're missing out on the most crucial part 685 00:40:56,920 --> 00:41:00,560 Speaker 2: of learning, which is of course experience. There is only 686 00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:03,200 Speaker 2: so much someone can tell you. There's only so much 687 00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:06,279 Speaker 2: guidance someone can tell you before you have to go 688 00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:08,840 Speaker 2: out there and try it yourself and feel it yourself. 689 00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:12,719 Speaker 2: It's like someone can describe to you the most beautiful 690 00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:16,840 Speaker 2: tasting cake, but you're not actually gonna enjoy the taste 691 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:19,640 Speaker 2: of it until you try it yourself. Someone can, you know, 692 00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:23,239 Speaker 2: tell you the most amazing way to get something out 693 00:41:23,239 --> 00:41:26,160 Speaker 2: of life, like the most amazing mindset shift. You're not 694 00:41:26,200 --> 00:41:28,400 Speaker 2: going to actually know what that feels like until you 695 00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:32,040 Speaker 2: commit to trying it. Also, when you feel like you 696 00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:34,520 Speaker 2: don't know what to think anymore and it's making you 697 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:39,000 Speaker 2: more confused rather than bringing you clarity, that's when I 698 00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:41,239 Speaker 2: think you really need to take a step back and 699 00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:45,120 Speaker 2: just like read something different, watch something different, enjoy like 700 00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:48,640 Speaker 2: your guilty Pleasure TV show, watch them Love Island. Like 701 00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:51,200 Speaker 2: there's no police that's going to come around and be 702 00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:55,319 Speaker 2: like you're brain rotting and you're consuming things that aren't intellectuals, 703 00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:58,239 Speaker 2: So like we're taking away that self improvement badge from 704 00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:01,600 Speaker 2: you like you're not a fully demids human, Like, shame 705 00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:03,880 Speaker 2: on you. No one's going to do that. It's actually 706 00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:06,520 Speaker 2: good to let your brain be kind of gilly and 707 00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:10,960 Speaker 2: kind of lizarity every now and again. This is a 708 00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:13,719 Speaker 2: question that I really really thought was important to bring 709 00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,040 Speaker 2: up here because we didn't necessarily cover a lot of 710 00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:19,279 Speaker 2: it in the episode, so hopefully I can give it 711 00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:22,919 Speaker 2: some airtime here. How does the self improvement industry harm 712 00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:26,640 Speaker 2: or influence our perceptions of chronic illness? I have been 713 00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:30,480 Speaker 2: thinking a lot about this question since I first came 714 00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:34,520 Speaker 2: across it in my Instagram DMS. I think the biggest 715 00:42:34,560 --> 00:42:37,680 Speaker 2: issue is that the self improvement industry is so focused 716 00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:43,279 Speaker 2: on productivity and so focused on personal responsibility that it 717 00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:48,160 Speaker 2: kind of implies that wellness is always within our control, 718 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:52,520 Speaker 2: and it kind of implies that everyone should be capable 719 00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:55,720 Speaker 2: of doing the same things when that is not the case. 720 00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:59,560 Speaker 2: And just because your abilities are different doesn't mean your 721 00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:02,920 Speaker 2: worth life us. Just because you can't wake up at 722 00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:05,360 Speaker 2: five am and then you know, go to bed at 723 00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:08,319 Speaker 2: twelve and work as many hours as possible and do 724 00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:11,319 Speaker 2: six workouts a day, like, just because you can't do that, 725 00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:13,480 Speaker 2: doesn't mean you're a failure, right, It just means that 726 00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:18,160 Speaker 2: your body is different. And I think the wellness space 727 00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:21,760 Speaker 2: in particular, and particularly like the fitness space self improvement space, 728 00:43:22,400 --> 00:43:26,600 Speaker 2: it's really focused on productivity and doing as much with 729 00:43:26,719 --> 00:43:31,799 Speaker 2: your hours as possible. And often that muchness means a 730 00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:35,400 Speaker 2: lot of effort and a lot of time and not 731 00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:38,279 Speaker 2: a lot of rest. And if you are someone who 732 00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:42,320 Speaker 2: struggles with exhaustion or has a kind of physical impairment, 733 00:43:42,480 --> 00:43:45,960 Speaker 2: or if you're someone who has a different brain to 734 00:43:46,080 --> 00:43:48,560 Speaker 2: someone else, like that's not always going to be possible 735 00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:51,080 Speaker 2: for you. It doesn't mean that this person and people 736 00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:53,839 Speaker 2: who are able to do that are better. I think 737 00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:56,320 Speaker 2: it can also lead to a lot of shame or 738 00:43:56,400 --> 00:43:59,960 Speaker 2: guilt or a sense of failure that you're not able 739 00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:03,080 Speaker 2: to work hard enough to heal yourself. You should be 740 00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:06,400 Speaker 2: able to heal yourself through your mindset. If your mindset 741 00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:10,800 Speaker 2: is strong enough, you can overcome anything, including a chronic condition. 742 00:44:10,880 --> 00:44:14,879 Speaker 2: And it's like that's literally ridiculous, Like no, like, no 743 00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:18,480 Speaker 2: matter how powerful your mindset is, no matter how productive 744 00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:23,920 Speaker 2: and efficient and powerful your mental state is, like, so 745 00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:28,440 Speaker 2: there are just things that aren't possible and that doesn't 746 00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:30,840 Speaker 2: mean that you are giving up. It just means that 747 00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:34,200 Speaker 2: you understand your limits, and that in itself is actually 748 00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:38,320 Speaker 2: a lot more powerful than just saying yes to everything 749 00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:41,480 Speaker 2: and being someone who can stretch themselves so thin that 750 00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:45,800 Speaker 2: they become exhausted and actually take their health for granted. 751 00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:49,239 Speaker 2: I think this space just sometimes really dismisses the realities 752 00:44:49,280 --> 00:44:54,680 Speaker 2: of chronic illness, and it really oversimplifies, It really oversimplifies 753 00:44:54,719 --> 00:44:58,560 Speaker 2: and focuses more on mindset than it should, and it 754 00:44:58,680 --> 00:45:02,080 Speaker 2: kind of sidelines the voice of those whose conditions don't 755 00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:06,040 Speaker 2: fit into the industry's neat you know, like before and 756 00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:09,920 Speaker 2: after success stories, or don't fit into this narrative that 757 00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:13,160 Speaker 2: you can accomplish anything you put your mind to, like 758 00:45:13,800 --> 00:45:16,080 Speaker 2: you could if you wanted to. But do you want 759 00:45:16,120 --> 00:45:18,800 Speaker 2: to and is it actually the best thing for your health? 760 00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:22,480 Speaker 2: And should you force yourself to make yourself less well 761 00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:25,160 Speaker 2: just to prove something to someone else, just to prove 762 00:45:25,239 --> 00:45:27,759 Speaker 2: that you have worth because you can meet their standards, 763 00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:30,960 Speaker 2: the standards that weren't set with you in mind. No. 764 00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:33,480 Speaker 2: So I think it is actually a really big issue, 765 00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:35,400 Speaker 2: and I think it's one that I really should do 766 00:45:35,440 --> 00:45:38,920 Speaker 2: a whole episode on how self improvement and the self 767 00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:42,680 Speaker 2: help space sidelines the voices of people with chronic illnesses, 768 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:46,759 Speaker 2: not just mental health issues, but physical disabilities and so 769 00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:51,960 Speaker 2: much more because it is something that feels largely invisible. 770 00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:54,440 Speaker 2: So thank you so much for that question. I'm going 771 00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:56,000 Speaker 2: to do a whole episode on it, I think, so 772 00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:59,319 Speaker 2: we'll talk about that more later down the line. I'm 773 00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:02,320 Speaker 2: going to answer this final question, and I love this question. 774 00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:04,760 Speaker 2: I love this question because it's a little bit different 775 00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:07,560 Speaker 2: to what we've talked about. This person says, I don't 776 00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:10,680 Speaker 2: get the hate with the self improvement space. Is it 777 00:46:10,760 --> 00:46:13,319 Speaker 2: really that bad to want better for myself? I don't 778 00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:15,719 Speaker 2: think it's toxic to work hard, and I don't think 779 00:46:15,760 --> 00:46:20,000 Speaker 2: that discipline is an evil word. I also agree with you, Actually, 780 00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:23,200 Speaker 2: I think that you are totally right. It's not bad 781 00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:26,960 Speaker 2: to want better for yourself. It's actually amazing and it's 782 00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:29,719 Speaker 2: great that you've been able to identify something that or 783 00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:31,920 Speaker 2: a collection of things that you think will make your 784 00:46:31,920 --> 00:46:34,560 Speaker 2: life better. But I do think the reason you believe 785 00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:37,400 Speaker 2: this is because you have the right attitude. Everything that 786 00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:41,359 Speaker 2: you are saying sounds like you meet all the kind 787 00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:45,759 Speaker 2: of all the checklists, all the categories for someone who 788 00:46:46,000 --> 00:46:50,160 Speaker 2: approaches self improvement positively. You're doing it for intrinsic reasons, 789 00:46:50,719 --> 00:46:53,800 Speaker 2: You're self motivated, you're doing it to align with your purpose, 790 00:46:54,280 --> 00:46:56,960 Speaker 2: and it sounds like you're not falling into a toxic 791 00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:00,160 Speaker 2: trap with discipline, which means that it's amazing for you, 792 00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:02,960 Speaker 2: and it means that you are really focused on elevating 793 00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:06,960 Speaker 2: yourself from an authentic position. I think I've laid out 794 00:47:06,960 --> 00:47:09,200 Speaker 2: all the reasons that it becomes toxic, but just to 795 00:47:09,239 --> 00:47:12,960 Speaker 2: reiterate them, it really becomes toxic when it's not for us, 796 00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:15,960 Speaker 2: when it's for someone else, when we're not doing it 797 00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:22,440 Speaker 2: for inherent enjoyment or or to prove to ourselves something, 798 00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:25,640 Speaker 2: and when it's dominating our entire lives so that there 799 00:47:25,680 --> 00:47:28,560 Speaker 2: is space for nothing else. Nothing is ever entirely one 800 00:47:28,600 --> 00:47:31,760 Speaker 2: thing or another. The same can be said about self improvement. 801 00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:34,759 Speaker 2: There are such beautiful parts of it, and I continue 802 00:47:34,760 --> 00:47:37,160 Speaker 2: to have goals that I want to strive towards. I 803 00:47:37,200 --> 00:47:39,160 Speaker 2: continue to have things about my life that I do 804 00:47:39,200 --> 00:47:41,719 Speaker 2: think could be better, but I also don't let that 805 00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:43,759 Speaker 2: take away from the appreciation that I have for the 806 00:47:43,800 --> 00:47:46,239 Speaker 2: things of my life that are already great. And I 807 00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:48,640 Speaker 2: think that is the healthy space to be in and 808 00:47:48,719 --> 00:47:50,759 Speaker 2: it sounds like you're in that healthy space as well. 809 00:47:50,880 --> 00:47:54,120 Speaker 2: So congratulations, Thank you so much. If you have made 810 00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:56,280 Speaker 2: it this far, I want to hear your thoughts about 811 00:47:56,320 --> 00:47:59,400 Speaker 2: self improvement in the comments below. If you agreed, if 812 00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:02,799 Speaker 2: you didn't with something that I said, even better, what 813 00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:05,719 Speaker 2: are your thoughts? How do you know when it's going 814 00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:08,400 Speaker 2: too far in your life? But also I want you 815 00:48:08,480 --> 00:48:13,160 Speaker 2: to share a piece of content a self improvement project, book, 816 00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:16,880 Speaker 2: podcast series, seminar. Whatever it is that you think is 817 00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:21,120 Speaker 2: actually a genuinely positive beacon of light in the space 818 00:48:21,160 --> 00:48:23,920 Speaker 2: and that you think people should be engaging in. What 819 00:48:23,960 --> 00:48:27,200 Speaker 2: are the positive examples of self improvement that you consume 820 00:48:27,400 --> 00:48:30,240 Speaker 2: or that you see that you think others could benefit 821 00:48:30,320 --> 00:48:34,080 Speaker 2: from knowing from as well? So thank you again for listening. 822 00:48:34,120 --> 00:48:36,480 Speaker 2: Make sure that you are following along wherever you're listening 823 00:48:36,560 --> 00:48:40,360 Speaker 2: to this podcast on Apple, on Spotify, on the iHeartRadio app. 824 00:48:40,560 --> 00:48:42,399 Speaker 2: I don't know where you're listening from, but make sure 825 00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:45,640 Speaker 2: you hit that follow slash subscribe button. Make sure that 826 00:48:45,719 --> 00:48:47,759 Speaker 2: you leave a five star review as well if you 827 00:48:47,760 --> 00:48:50,279 Speaker 2: feel called to do so, and share this episode with 828 00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:53,000 Speaker 2: a family member, with a friend with a colleague with 829 00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:55,719 Speaker 2: your followers if you think that this is a discussion 830 00:48:55,719 --> 00:48:58,240 Speaker 2: that needs to go further than just you and I. 831 00:48:58,239 --> 00:49:00,000 Speaker 2: I think that it's something we need to talk about more, 832 00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,160 Speaker 2: and I hope others agree with me, so I'd love 833 00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:04,839 Speaker 2: for you to be able to share it and bring 834 00:49:04,840 --> 00:49:07,959 Speaker 2: more people's attention to this. As always, as we wrap 835 00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:10,200 Speaker 2: up our episode, I want to remind you all to 836 00:49:10,239 --> 00:49:14,600 Speaker 2: stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself, and as always, 837 00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:16,920 Speaker 2: we will talk very very soon. Thanks for joining me.