WEBVTT - Why You Need To Stop Apologizing Feat. Mel Robbins 0:00:02.600 --> 0:00:16.560 I can do bad. I welcome back to good Mom's 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:21.200 Bad Choices. I'm Erica and I'm Mela. Happy Wednesday, Happy 0:00:21.239 --> 0:00:22.280 hump Day everyone. 0:00:22.760 --> 0:00:24.000 We've already started the episode. 0:00:24.000 --> 0:00:26.720 Before the episode started, I've already told our guest how 0:00:26.720 --> 0:00:29.600 I've had six wet dreams. Or Jamila shared with our guests, 0:00:29.600 --> 0:00:32.879 I've already had six wet dreams about Eminem, and our 0:00:32.920 --> 0:00:36.360 guest has since confirmed that Eminem looks like he might 0:00:36.440 --> 0:00:39.520 smell like he's been holding for forty eight hours waiting 0:00:39.520 --> 0:00:41.920 for his public defender to come defend him. 0:00:41.960 --> 0:00:44.520 So in the movie Here we Are a mile, Yes, 0:00:44.760 --> 0:00:48.160 that's one thousand percent what he I think would smell 0:00:48.240 --> 0:00:51.080 like in the basement scene where he's doing the wrap up. 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:53.240 Yes, I don't know. 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:55.240 I'm not I don't know. I don't know why this 0:00:55.360 --> 0:00:58.040 keeps happening to me. But Eminem, call me, I'm here. 0:00:57.920 --> 0:00:59.800 Your secrets are not safe. I would love for that 0:00:59.840 --> 0:01:00.480 really happens. 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:02.800 I'll tell you what I'd love to see. I'd love 0:01:02.840 --> 0:01:04.839 to see you do a peloton ad where you're riding 0:01:04.880 --> 0:01:05.399 next to him. 0:01:07.120 --> 0:01:09.720 Well, I don't know why that sounds so freakyrotic. I 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:11.399 was just like a bitching that, and it's like. 0:01:11.480 --> 0:01:13.240 I can't even imagine Eminem working out. 0:01:14.680 --> 0:01:16.920 I've said Eminem more than I've ever said his name 0:01:16.959 --> 0:01:21.680 in my entire lifetime today. Okay, I did have a 0:01:21.720 --> 0:01:24.560 crush on him too, back back in the day, and 0:01:24.600 --> 0:01:25.639 there's little options. 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:26.399 There's something there. 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:30.840 Anyway. How's your week, guys? How are you feeling today? 0:01:31.000 --> 0:01:32.640 I'm feeling good. I'm feeling great. 0:01:32.720 --> 0:01:34.880 I'm a little I smoked a little bit earlier and 0:01:34.920 --> 0:01:38.240 so I'm feeling relaxed. And my friend gave me these 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:40.440 like rose essence drops that she like made me, and 0:01:40.480 --> 0:01:42.440 so I just put them under my tongue and they 0:01:42.440 --> 0:01:44.160 give me like I don't know, they make me feel 0:01:44.200 --> 0:01:47.319 like energized but positive. 0:01:48.040 --> 0:01:50.400 So are they like a rose essence THC. 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:54.200 No, No, no, it's just some She's an herbalist and 0:01:54.240 --> 0:01:56.520 she I have. I suffer from anxiety, which is why 0:01:56.560 --> 0:01:58.680 I'm really happy you're here. Okay, help me, am I 0:01:58.680 --> 0:01:59.920 gonna make it worse, I hope not. 0:02:00.600 --> 0:02:03.560 Wait, let's introduce our guests. You're hearing a voice. It's 0:02:03.600 --> 0:02:07.760 not ours. We have an amazing bad ass woman here. 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:08.800 She's an author. 0:02:09.000 --> 0:02:12.120 She's a lawyer, international best selling author. 0:02:12.200 --> 0:02:15.440 Really an audible icon. I would say, I think you're 0:02:15.480 --> 0:02:16.400 an audible icon. 0:02:16.520 --> 0:02:16.880 You are. 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:20.679 She has the most successful self published audible book. 0:02:20.440 --> 0:02:21.080 Of all time. 0:02:21.320 --> 0:02:22.000 It's true. 0:02:22.280 --> 0:02:28.200 And you're a motivational speaker. You're a mother and hot smoker. 0:02:28.880 --> 0:02:30.760 She has white pants on with a patch on her ass, 0:02:30.800 --> 0:02:32.560 says bad Ass that she wore for us. 0:02:32.840 --> 0:02:35.200 I did, and I also did not realize I was 0:02:35.240 --> 0:02:38.200 coming to the headquarters of beauty blenders. So after I 0:02:38.240 --> 0:02:41.800 put my foundation on with my hands, I subconsciously rubbed 0:02:41.840 --> 0:02:43.760 them down the front of my white pants. So I 0:02:43.760 --> 0:02:46.519 have a foundation streak like some loser right here. 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:48.720 Please get her beauty blender. I had one. 0:02:48.800 --> 0:02:51.000 I just forgot to put it in my suitcase last. 0:02:50.800 --> 0:02:54.359 Night, and I figure out here an extra one. It's 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:57.880 so crazy because me and Eric are so fucking professional. 0:02:57.960 --> 0:03:00.720 Last time Mel was supposed to come here and wires 0:03:00.720 --> 0:03:02.400 got crossed and she was here and we were not, 0:03:03.040 --> 0:03:04.960 and we were in another meeting, and I was like, 0:03:05.040 --> 0:03:07.280 oh no, Eric, I like, I have to call her. 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:09.919 I'm scared. Oh no. So I went outside. 0:03:10.000 --> 0:03:12.200 I'm like, hello, I didn't help her at all. 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:13.480 I was like, she's gonna have to deal with Mel 0:03:13.560 --> 0:03:15.840 Robbins is outside of the office. I'm like, she don'na 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:16.920 have to deal with that. I can't do I was. 0:03:16.960 --> 0:03:18.840 I was in the midst of like that day. I 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:21.280 was like break, I like broke down and had like 0:03:21.320 --> 0:03:24.280 this crazy anxiety moment, and I was like, I can't help. 0:03:24.200 --> 0:03:24.639 You, bitch. 0:03:26.000 --> 0:03:27.400 I should figure it out. 0:03:27.560 --> 0:03:29.200 And I thought for sure I was gonna get like 0:03:29.240 --> 0:03:31.919 your assistant. I was like perfect, like, hey, so we're 0:03:31.960 --> 0:03:33.440 not there. She's like, no, this is mel I'm. 0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:36.600 Like, you did call. But then she got on the 0:03:36.640 --> 0:03:37.920 team and I said, give me that phone, right. 0:03:37.920 --> 0:03:40.360 She got me, you did, she got me together, so 0:03:40.560 --> 0:03:43.360 fucking why. I was like, shit, I was like, I 0:03:43.400 --> 0:03:45.920 just got a coach. She's like, don't apologie. I stop apologizing. 0:03:45.920 --> 0:03:49.280 It's fine. Shit happens. I'm like, you're okay, you're right, 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:50.320 I'm not sorry. I am sorry. 0:03:50.400 --> 0:03:53.160 Sorry, No, do not say you're sorry. 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:54.840 Like your team needs to be on luck cause you're growing. 0:03:54.880 --> 0:03:57.360 I'm like, your motherfucking right, that's right. 0:03:57.760 --> 0:03:59.600 So so you asked me at the beginning, come to 0:03:59.640 --> 0:04:01.520 the table with a mantra, and we're gonna talk why. 0:04:01.640 --> 0:04:05.440 Most mantras are bullshit, but one mantra I love is 0:04:05.480 --> 0:04:09.080 that I always say to myself, especially when the shit 0:04:09.160 --> 0:04:12.560 hits the fan, or especially when I hear the anxiety 0:04:12.760 --> 0:04:15.200 or I feel the anxiety. And for anxiety for me 0:04:15.720 --> 0:04:18.919 always starts in my ankles and it rolls up like 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:22.800 a train through my body. And I always say to myself, 0:04:23.640 --> 0:04:30.920 this moment is preparing me for something amazing that hasn't 0:04:30.960 --> 0:04:38.480 happened yet. This moment is preparing me for something amazing 0:04:38.640 --> 0:04:43.080 that hasn't happened yet. And so when I say that, 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:47.200 it's a way to flip yourself out of anxiety and 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:50.400 fear and self doubt and self rejection and self bashing 0:04:50.839 --> 0:04:54.120 and flip into this thing I call a high five attitude, 0:04:54.120 --> 0:04:58.880 which grounds you into faith and optimism and a little 0:04:58.880 --> 0:05:01.520 bit of confidence when you need. Because the fact of 0:05:01.560 --> 0:05:05.560 the matter is that was the perfect breakdown for you 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:08.400 to have for me to be out here in La. 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:12.159 I don't live in La to be standing here, you know, 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:16.840 drive forty five minutes, stand you know here, organize the 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:19.440 day around coming here, you know, like, and I'm not 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:21.000 saying this make you feel bad. I want you to 0:05:21.120 --> 0:05:25.160 understand that the universe gives you the size of a 0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:28.440 breakdown that you need in order to wake your ass up. 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:33.120 And I'm telling you you have probably had other scheduling breakdowns. 0:05:33.160 --> 0:05:37.040 You have probably had other process breakdowns, but they weren't 0:05:37.160 --> 0:05:40.840 big enough to make you go, fuck, I'm going to 0:05:40.880 --> 0:05:44.159 pay attention now. And so when you stand in those 0:05:44.160 --> 0:05:46.640 moments and go, this is preparing me for something amazing 0:05:46.720 --> 0:05:49.479 that hasn't happened yet. What that moment prepared you for 0:05:50.080 --> 0:05:55.880 is respecting the platform you're building and respecting yourselves so 0:05:55.960 --> 0:06:00.440 that you take this moment and say, oh, I actually 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:01.599 have to level up. 0:06:01.520 --> 0:06:02.200 In this moment. 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:06.039 I got to upgrade the systems around me. I got 0:06:06.040 --> 0:06:08.760 to upgrade the calendaring, I got to upgrade the you know, 0:06:08.839 --> 0:06:11.479 like whatever it is. And I can say that to 0:06:11.480 --> 0:06:15.080 you because I have fucked up so many times. And 0:06:15.279 --> 0:06:17.479 I think when you kind of get into something and 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:19.520 you're in it because you really want to connect with 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:21.200 people and you want to make an impact, and it 0:06:21.279 --> 0:06:26.520 sort of just happens organically. Me personally, I was completely 0:06:26.600 --> 0:06:31.160 naive about what it meant to have a business and 0:06:31.200 --> 0:06:33.440 do have a brand where you're the face of it, 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:36.880 what it means for your family, what it means in 0:06:36.960 --> 0:06:39.680 terms of liability, what it means in terms of how 0:06:39.720 --> 0:06:43.080 fast things start coming at you. And so if I could, 0:06:43.160 --> 0:06:47.120 as somebody who is probably I don't know, twenty five 0:06:47.160 --> 0:06:50.280 more fuck ups ahead of you, save you the heartache 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:53.200 and the headache that I have caused myself, then I 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:55.000 would love to do that. And that's why I was 0:06:55.040 --> 0:06:57.280 literally like, don't you dare apologize? Like just get the 0:06:57.400 --> 0:07:01.279 lesson and like change the stuff. And the other reason 0:07:01.320 --> 0:07:05.520 why I want you to not apologize, like apologize when 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:08.800 something happens to say like I really apologize or like whatever. 0:07:09.400 --> 0:07:12.160 But what I want you to do instead, especially as 0:07:12.200 --> 0:07:16.840 women and especially as two women that are gonna build 0:07:16.920 --> 0:07:22.720 something monstrous, Okay, I want you to flip out of 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:25.880 your vocabulary the word i'm sorry, and I want you 0:07:25.960 --> 0:07:28.880 to insert the word thank you, thank you, And I'll 0:07:28.880 --> 0:07:30.880 tell you why, Because in that moment you're like i'm sorry, 0:07:30.880 --> 0:07:34.600 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it becomes the focus goes on 0:07:34.680 --> 0:07:38.080 you making the mistake, so you feel terrible. It also 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:40.240 makes the person on the receiving end of the i'm 0:07:40.240 --> 0:07:43.240 sorry feel like I need to reassure you when instead, 0:07:43.240 --> 0:07:45.920 in those moments where you, you know, legitimately have a 0:07:46.000 --> 0:07:49.280 like breakdown, you didn't intentionally go fuck Mel Robbins. Let's 0:07:49.440 --> 0:07:51.880 just ghost her and let's put out let's put a 0:07:51.960 --> 0:07:55.000 video out front, and let's see what this bitch does. 0:07:55.400 --> 0:07:57.560 That's not what happens. That's the core what she says 0:07:57.600 --> 0:07:58.480 about us, and see. 0:07:58.600 --> 0:08:02.400 Exactly that's not what happened a punk. Yeah, literally, that's 0:08:02.480 --> 0:08:05.640 not what happened. So in you in those moments when 0:08:05.680 --> 0:08:08.080 you can go, hey, look we had a break down. 0:08:08.720 --> 0:08:13.440 Thank you for understanding, thank you for your patients. That's sorry, 0:08:13.480 --> 0:08:15.280 I got three kids, I know what it feels like. 0:08:15.600 --> 0:08:17.600 Whatever, just to see it's French fries. 0:08:17.680 --> 0:08:20.280 Just go at least one thing. 0:08:21.400 --> 0:08:23.640 But literally, see there you go, thank you like she 0:08:23.840 --> 0:08:26.640 literally like when you go thank you for your patience, 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:29.760 thank you for your understanding, thank you for your flexibility. 0:08:29.800 --> 0:08:33.280 You get it off the battering ram of hitting yourself 0:08:33.320 --> 0:08:36.240 and making yourself wrong and making somebody feel like they 0:08:36.280 --> 0:08:38.680 need to reassure you, and you step into your power 0:08:39.200 --> 0:08:41.839 and you go things happen. I appreciate you your flexibility, 0:08:41.840 --> 0:08:43.360 and I appreciate you. See what I'm saying, that's what 0:08:43.360 --> 0:08:44.120 are you betting from that? 0:08:44.160 --> 0:08:48.560 I'm just I'm thinking because I I definitely saying I'm sorry. 0:08:48.720 --> 0:08:51.040 It's definitely something I've I do a lot, but I've 0:08:51.080 --> 0:08:53.760 also I've been trying to undo and I also encourage 0:08:53.800 --> 0:08:57.680 my friends to not apologize too, but never really thinking 0:08:57.720 --> 0:09:00.120 about how it makes the person that you're saying i'm 0:09:00.160 --> 0:09:03.600 sorry to then have to reassure you not only maybe 0:09:03.600 --> 0:09:07.520 you've inconvenienced them, but then you're also making them have 0:09:07.640 --> 0:09:10.160 to reassure you that it's okay. You know, I never 0:09:10.200 --> 0:09:12.680 really thought about that part, because you think that you're 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:17.080 doing them a service almost by saying I'm sorry, when 0:09:17.120 --> 0:09:19.559 really it's it's not. 0:09:19.600 --> 0:09:21.400 It doesn't change whatever has been done well. 0:09:21.600 --> 0:09:24.600 It makes them have to, like, like you said, reassure you, 0:09:24.920 --> 0:09:27.360 when like that's not their job either. Not only are 0:09:27.400 --> 0:09:29.400 you sorry for whatever it is you did, but now 0:09:29.400 --> 0:09:32.200 they're also having to reassure whatever choice is well. 0:09:32.240 --> 0:09:34.920 And now, let me tell you the bigger thematic piece 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:38.160 of this, because it's so conditioned into women and girls 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:39.719 to say they're sorry. I was going to say that, 0:09:40.200 --> 0:09:44.120 is that when it becomes so casual that you are 0:09:44.160 --> 0:09:50.520 literally apologizing for ordering gluten free bread, right, I'm really sorry, 0:09:50.600 --> 0:09:52.079 I'm sorry that I'm a pain in the ass when 0:09:52.080 --> 0:09:54.480 I order. I'm sorry, but could I please have gluten free. 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:59.719 With that that that you are taking away your right 0:09:59.760 --> 0:10:04.920 to ta space. You are invalidating what you need. You 0:10:05.000 --> 0:10:09.840 are invalidating your right to request the things that support you. 0:10:10.440 --> 0:10:13.040 Like if you feel self conscious because you don't have 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:15.760 a simple order, just say, hey, thank you so much. 0:10:16.360 --> 0:10:19.560 This is a really important thing to make sure that 0:10:19.559 --> 0:10:22.640 it's gluten free. Now you're acknowledging the waiter instead of 0:10:22.800 --> 0:10:24.439 bashing yourself for having a. 0:10:24.440 --> 0:10:27.600 Need, and you're actually empowering the waiter to do the job. 0:10:27.679 --> 0:10:31.200 Well, yes, because now they're like, wow, okay, I'm going 0:10:31.280 --> 0:10:31.880 to get this right. 0:10:32.320 --> 0:10:33.160 Yeah, you know. 0:10:33.160 --> 0:10:35.320 You can certainly apologize when you screw something up, but 0:10:35.360 --> 0:10:37.520 then flip it into a thank you to acknowledge the 0:10:37.559 --> 0:10:39.920 other person for giving you the grace to be human. 0:10:40.120 --> 0:10:43.959 Right, yeah, I think sorry, it does take away giving 0:10:44.000 --> 0:10:46.560 yourself grace to be human. Like, no, I didn't do 0:10:46.559 --> 0:10:49.760 it on purpose. Yeah, that's so true. As women, we 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:53.079 apologize all the time, all day long. I say it 0:10:53.160 --> 0:10:55.000 so so much that it just rolls off the tongue. 0:10:55.040 --> 0:10:56.720 I'm like, hi, I'm sorry. I don't know why I 0:10:56.720 --> 0:10:59.800 said that. I'm like scooting past people who are too close. 0:11:00.240 --> 0:11:00.520 Sorry. 0:11:00.559 --> 0:11:05.640 Sorry, no, bitch, back up. Yeah, you know, women were 0:11:05.679 --> 0:11:08.520 just like I think, we are so conditioned to not 0:11:08.800 --> 0:11:12.120 take up space to be seen but not heard almost 0:11:12.240 --> 0:11:15.880 you know, Yeah, it feels uncomfortable to do it. If 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:17.719 even having the conversation, I'm like, damn, how am I 0:11:17.760 --> 0:11:20.360 gonna substitute thank you for I'm sorry? That's gonna be 0:11:20.360 --> 0:11:21.320 a lot of thank you. 0:11:22.240 --> 0:11:26.240 Yeah, but it's so it's empowering because you literally feel 0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:29.160 like you're in control of everything. Right, thank you for 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:31.679 waiting for me and shed if I'm sorry I'm late. 0:11:33.000 --> 0:11:35.720 Thank you for being flexible with us, and thank you 0:11:35.760 --> 0:11:38.520 for coming back and blessing us with these gems right 0:11:38.559 --> 0:11:40.720 off the top. Like I told her, I was like, 0:11:40.720 --> 0:11:43.160 I'm excited for this interview now, I'm like, wow, she 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:45.439 just I don't know what. She was like, stop disrespecting 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:47.920 your business. That is what she told me. I was like, damn, 0:11:48.040 --> 0:11:50.280 I never heard it put it that way. I'm gonna stop, 0:11:50.280 --> 0:11:53.400 I swear to god. Guess what happened The next that week, 0:11:53.440 --> 0:11:56.600 we had a fucking meeting. Everybody, like, you all, let's 0:11:56.600 --> 0:11:58.679 get on a call because she is getting she was 0:11:58.720 --> 0:12:02.280 slipping through the cracks, and it's our business. So we 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:03.280 got to get it together well. 0:12:03.320 --> 0:12:06.520 And by the way, as you continue to level up, 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:09.040 you're going to have to do that again. And as 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:10.520 you continue to level up, you're going to have to 0:12:10.520 --> 0:12:12.559 do that again. We're doing that right now with our 0:12:12.640 --> 0:12:15.679 own social media team because we've just been in the 0:12:15.720 --> 0:12:17.880 middle of this big book launch and now we need 0:12:17.920 --> 0:12:20.240 to post mortem because you know, I think a lot 0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:24.720 of times, especially in a space where you're building something new, 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:28.280 it's around something you're passionate about. You basically build the 0:12:28.320 --> 0:12:29.440 airplane as you're flying it. 0:12:30.040 --> 0:12:31.840 You've never put it so good when you said that 0:12:31.960 --> 0:12:35.360 when you have a business that you've developed through passion, 0:12:35.480 --> 0:12:37.920 that you really didn't even realize that that's you were 0:12:37.920 --> 0:12:40.160 building it. And then you're like, oh, fuck, I'm in 0:12:40.200 --> 0:12:42.319 a business and there's people that need to be paid, 0:12:42.559 --> 0:12:45.079 and I there's all these moving parts that you really 0:12:45.120 --> 0:12:47.600 didn't expect. So you didn't like have a business plan 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:50.080 and then implement the shit. It just happened because it 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:52.760 is a project of passion. And like, I'm so happy 0:12:52.760 --> 0:12:55.040 to be sitting down with you because obviously you're ahead 0:12:55.040 --> 0:12:58.360 of us in this and taking this advice means a lot. 0:12:58.480 --> 0:12:59.880 Like sometimes we talk about it and we know it 0:13:00.000 --> 0:13:02.160 it's true, but we're like, are we tripping ay terrible 0:13:02.200 --> 0:13:05.319 business people. I'm like, kind of, this wasn't supposed to 0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:07.240 be a business well, and that's. 0:13:07.040 --> 0:13:09.080 The other thing. You're not going to be good at everything. 0:13:09.120 --> 0:13:11.080 And so one of the biggest breakthroughs for me, and 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:13.720 this was one of the gifts of doing that daytime 0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:16.439 talk show that I was eventually fired from, but one 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:19.520 of the gifts of it, again, this moment is preparing 0:13:19.559 --> 0:13:22.559 you for something amazing. That's happening is to all of 0:13:22.600 --> 0:13:26.400 a sudden step into a television show. One hundred and 0:13:26.400 --> 0:13:29.120 thirty five people on the team Sony Pictures Television. We're 0:13:29.120 --> 0:13:31.760 filming at the CBS Broadcast Center. I had never been 0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:34.200 a part of a machine that big, one hundred and 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:37.800 seventy five episodes taped in about five months flat. Wow, 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:42.680 Like that is a machine. But what I realized is, Oh, 0:13:43.000 --> 0:13:48.200 I'm actually a really shitty CEO. Like no wonder. It's 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:51.480 been painful and I've been a workaholic because I have 0:13:51.679 --> 0:13:55.520 been disrespecting my business and I have been trying to 0:13:55.640 --> 0:13:59.640 do everything and I have been so insecure that I 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:03.000 have not been confident enough to hire people around me 0:14:03.640 --> 0:14:07.280 that have more experience than me. And when I got 0:14:07.280 --> 0:14:11.040 into the right seat on that you know train that 0:14:11.200 --> 0:14:13.520 was moving a million miles an hour, I'm like, oh, 0:14:13.800 --> 0:14:16.720 I'm not supposed to be running the production. I'm supposed 0:14:16.760 --> 0:14:20.440 to empower people to create a production machine around me 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:24.920 so I can do what I love doing and that 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:27.400 will make it grow. And so that's what I also 0:14:27.480 --> 0:14:31.080 meant by stop disrespecting the business and yourselves. You two 0:14:31.160 --> 0:14:35.800 have a genius. You have a particular thing or things 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:41.720 that you're remarkable at. I am horrible at execution. I 0:14:41.760 --> 0:14:44.560 can walk into a meeting and ideas a fly off 0:14:44.560 --> 0:14:47.120 of me. I can talk like we're gonna make a 0:14:47.120 --> 0:14:49.560 million dollars something like all these ideas are gonna hit, 0:14:49.600 --> 0:14:52.480 and they will the second I walk out of the door. 0:14:52.880 --> 0:14:56.280 I'm not doing any of that. So if you don't 0:14:56.640 --> 0:14:59.320 start to understand what piece of this makes the money, 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:01.400 what piece do I love doing, what's the piece that 0:15:01.440 --> 0:15:03.720 we actually need to hire, You're at that stage, and 0:15:03.760 --> 0:15:09.920 that's the scariest stage in any business. Doesn't matter. There's 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:12.400 a reason why my ask is to God. 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:14.320 It's like, we need you this week, not that week. 0:15:14.600 --> 0:15:16.240 This is the day. This is the day we need 0:15:16.240 --> 0:15:19.400 to hear all these messages. It's like I'm getting goosebumps, 0:15:19.520 --> 0:15:19.680 you know. 0:15:19.760 --> 0:15:22.480 Oh, and I'm gonna give you one more. Everybody. The 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:27.840 most incredible thing that you could ever do is say. 0:15:27.720 --> 0:15:31.200 No, like exercise saying no, no. 0:15:30.760 --> 0:15:33.000 No, no no. In business, oh okay, let me tell 0:15:33.000 --> 0:15:33.280 you why? 0:15:33.360 --> 0:15:33.760 Okay? 0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:38.320 You ready? So when it comes to negotiating, what happens 0:15:38.480 --> 0:15:42.360 when you start to get into talking deal terms for example, 0:15:42.400 --> 0:15:44.880 like this happened with Sony Pictures. They reached out to 0:15:44.960 --> 0:15:48.160 us and at this point we're on like Audible number three. 0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:51.240 I'm the most booked female speaker in the world. We've 0:15:51.240 --> 0:15:54.400 got half a million students and online classes. We are 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:57.480 slaying it and doing it on terms, and they on 0:15:57.560 --> 0:15:59.600 our terms. And so they reach out to us and 0:15:59.640 --> 0:16:01.440 they say, we'd love to talk to you about a 0:16:01.520 --> 0:16:05.000 daytime syndicated talk show. So I grew up in Western Michigan. 0:16:05.040 --> 0:16:08.640 When I would come home from school, my mom would 0:16:08.680 --> 0:16:13.240 have on Oprah Donahue Montel. I grew up with the 0:16:13.280 --> 0:16:16.200 old school talk shows on. It had always been a 0:16:16.600 --> 0:16:20.000 dream of mine to host my daytime, to host my 0:16:20.000 --> 0:16:23.080 own daytime talk show, be on TV. Like amazing. So 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:26.160 even though I was like, I'm like a digital person 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:29.000 like like you two are, when it came in, I 0:16:29.040 --> 0:16:31.920 was secretly like fuck, yeah, okay, yeah, oh my god, 0:16:31.920 --> 0:16:34.080 they want me. But I'm like, why would I do that? 0:16:34.680 --> 0:16:37.080 Like why would I do a daytime syndicated talk show. 0:16:37.080 --> 0:16:39.000 And so we wrote back and said, no, no thanks, 0:16:39.280 --> 0:16:41.760 we got a lot going on, not interested. And they 0:16:41.760 --> 0:16:44.800 wrote back and said, wait, what, Yeah, you're not interested. 0:16:45.240 --> 0:16:47.240 Why aren't you interested? And I said, well, here's all 0:16:47.240 --> 0:16:49.080 the reason. I'll make more money than you'll pay me. 0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:50.600 I make more money doing what I do than you're 0:16:50.640 --> 0:16:52.640 ever gonna pay me. I own everything that I do. 0:16:53.120 --> 0:16:55.920 I don't want to change or become a caricature of 0:16:55.920 --> 0:16:59.600 what I am. Like that like I want to And 0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:02.440 they wrote back and we're like, but would you still 0:17:02.480 --> 0:17:06.080 talk to us? And so like what happens is this 0:17:06.240 --> 0:17:08.920 in the deal? When you say no, there is this 0:17:09.040 --> 0:17:13.000 chemical thing that floods somebody's body, especially if it's a dude. 0:17:13.600 --> 0:17:18.879 The testosterone, the chase, the part of the brain that 0:17:19.119 --> 0:17:25.080 is attracted to something you can't have. It literally takes 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:30.000 over and because you said no, you become more desirable 0:17:30.520 --> 0:17:34.080 and more attractive. This also works for dating everybody. 0:17:34.400 --> 0:17:36.000 With sounds familiar. 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:36.399 Yes. 0:17:36.760 --> 0:17:39.320 So the more that you say no, the more you 0:17:39.480 --> 0:17:42.200 become something that somebody wants to get. 0:17:42.640 --> 0:17:47.080 Your value somehow raises because you're less accessible. Correct, They're like, oh, 0:17:47.200 --> 0:17:49.480 she's saying no, damn, Like maybe we should try harder 0:17:49.560 --> 0:17:52.880 raise our price, remove these dumb ass this dumb ass 0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:56.240 contractor we just proposed her. And because a lot of times, 0:17:56.359 --> 0:17:59.040 how many people on a daytime fucking talk show everybody, 0:17:59.080 --> 0:18:01.479 I wonder if I can be open, but like, how 0:18:01.520 --> 0:18:04.200 many people are saying no to shitty ask deals? People 0:18:04.200 --> 0:18:07.680 are like, oh, Sony pictures, I'm in and then fucked. 0:18:08.119 --> 0:18:10.360 You know, all their shit that they've built is gone 0:18:10.359 --> 0:18:12.879 because they've given everything over to someone. And like, you know, 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:17.360 we've obviously probably not to that to that standard yet, 0:18:17.440 --> 0:18:20.359 but like, of course we've had proposals and companies and 0:18:20.400 --> 0:18:24.560 production companies and they're like, but we'll own everything, Like, bitch, 0:18:24.600 --> 0:18:26.679 are you crazy? No? 0:18:27.040 --> 0:18:30.200 Too many years we recently said notice, like a big opportunity, 0:18:30.280 --> 0:18:32.240 and we sat on it for a while. 0:18:32.000 --> 0:18:34.080 Like should We were like like should we? We were 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:34.880 trying to work it out. 0:18:35.480 --> 0:18:38.760 Everything in me was like no, no, and then when 0:18:38.760 --> 0:18:41.520 it came down to it, we were like, no, well 0:18:41.520 --> 0:18:44.159 what Ultimately it was the ultimately the best decision that 0:18:44.200 --> 0:18:46.560 we've made. And I'm now like literally this week starting 0:18:46.560 --> 0:18:49.320 to see why I said no, yes. 0:18:49.520 --> 0:18:51.280 And you know, even the thing we were talking about, 0:18:51.359 --> 0:18:53.320 I don't want to say what it was on a mic, 0:18:53.320 --> 0:18:55.200 so I don't know if you're talking about it publicly. 0:18:56.040 --> 0:18:57.440 You should consider. 0:18:57.160 --> 0:18:59.679 Our book no no, okay, thing, You. 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:03.919 Should consider doing it yourself because then you have control 0:19:04.160 --> 0:19:07.600 over it before it becomes a thing, and then the 0:19:07.640 --> 0:19:11.359 bigger fish buy the thing you created versus letting them 0:19:11.680 --> 0:19:15.680 futs around with you know what you're doing right thing. 0:19:16.119 --> 0:19:19.560 So you know, I ultimately said yes because we were 0:19:19.600 --> 0:19:22.240 in La. I think I was in La for a speech, 0:19:22.240 --> 0:19:23.640 and so I'm like, well, i'll swind buy and hear 0:19:23.680 --> 0:19:25.800 what you have to say. And they're like, why did 0:19:25.840 --> 0:19:28.920 you show up? And I said, well, I showed up 0:19:29.200 --> 0:19:31.600 to honor the dream that I had as a little girl. 0:19:31.720 --> 0:19:34.720 I want to find out, like, actually, what you're thinking 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:37.840 and why you're interested. And what they said is, well, 0:19:38.040 --> 0:19:41.640 ever since Oprah left daytime, it's fucking crap. Well that's 0:19:41.640 --> 0:19:43.200 not the words they use. That's the word I use. 0:19:43.520 --> 0:19:48.160 It's celebrity promotion, it is hot, hot breaking news topics, 0:19:48.760 --> 0:19:52.439 or it is such fake conflict that it is in 0:19:52.520 --> 0:19:56.359 service to nobody. And when I started to understand the 0:19:56.359 --> 0:20:00.919 demographic of a person who is still watching day time television, 0:20:01.400 --> 0:20:04.000 it aligned directly with the impact that I'm out to 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:07.720 make in the world, which is to make life changing 0:20:08.400 --> 0:20:15.320 concepts research science accessible to the everyday person. And when 0:20:15.359 --> 0:20:19.119 I realized that we could create a show potentially that 0:20:19.240 --> 0:20:22.520 could be a lifeline for folks that have been left 0:20:22.520 --> 0:20:26.160 behind by resources, that have been left behind, by funding, 0:20:26.200 --> 0:20:28.320 that have been left behind when it comes to access 0:20:28.359 --> 0:20:32.280 to therapy or when it comes access to personal development, 0:20:32.840 --> 0:20:35.239 I thought, this is something I'm going to go for 0:20:35.320 --> 0:20:39.000 and it was absolutely something that I was destined to do. 0:20:39.600 --> 0:20:42.399 And then of course they found COVID and it was 0:20:42.440 --> 0:20:46.359 a dream job. I loved every single day. I loved 0:20:46.400 --> 0:20:48.840 working with that team. It was a dream come true. 0:20:49.000 --> 0:20:51.400 I felt like I was in for the first time 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:53.000 of my life at the age of fifty one. I 0:20:53.000 --> 0:20:55.560 thought I was in the right place. And then they 0:20:55.560 --> 0:20:58.720 found COVID nineteen in the building on March tenth, and 0:20:58.760 --> 0:21:02.320 they walked into our studio and said, you have five 0:21:02.320 --> 0:21:04.200 minutes to evacuate shows, cancel. 0:21:03.960 --> 0:21:04.399 You're fired. 0:21:04.440 --> 0:21:07.479 That's it, We're done. And it was amazing, Like I 0:21:07.560 --> 0:21:11.160 first ran upstairs and grabbed everything that wasn't nailed down 0:21:11.200 --> 0:21:14.920 and stole everything I could for my dressing room, shut. 0:21:14.200 --> 0:21:18.280 It all in sea fire me. Yeah, okay, we say 0:21:18.320 --> 0:21:19.200 give it all this shit. 0:21:19.280 --> 0:21:23.840 Okay, grab every blaser get let's get a couch. Yes exactly. 0:21:23.880 --> 0:21:26.240 If I could have grabbed thataker, I would have. 0:21:26.400 --> 0:21:29.720 I'm like, oh yeah, take it all this shit. So 0:21:30.000 --> 0:21:33.719 I literally and as I was coming out of CBS 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:36.480 Broadcast Center in New York City, they were evacuating sixty 0:21:36.520 --> 0:21:40.919 minutes and entertainment tonight and our office is surreal. And 0:21:40.960 --> 0:21:45.080 that was the backdrop for when this new book started. 0:21:45.560 --> 0:21:48.080 Was life punched me in the face and said, yeah, 0:21:48.080 --> 0:21:51.120 I don't think so, Mel, you don't have it all handled. 0:21:51.400 --> 0:21:54.600 And I think we all had that moment where we 0:21:54.680 --> 0:21:57.480 knew the pandemic was going to turn your life upside down. 0:21:57.560 --> 0:21:59.360 Whether did you When was the moment for you where 0:21:59.359 --> 0:22:00.280 you're like, oh shit. 0:22:10.680 --> 0:22:13.000 We were in New York and it was the first 0:22:13.040 --> 0:22:16.399 week of March, and we had kept hearing about it, 0:22:16.400 --> 0:22:18.159 but me and Eric are the type of bitches. I 0:22:18.200 --> 0:22:21.560 want to live in a bubble so it will pass 0:22:21.600 --> 0:22:24.080 because we're not watching the news because it's negative. Don't talk, 0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:27.280 don't bring that negativity here. But we were leaving New 0:22:27.359 --> 0:22:28.680 York and kept hearing about it. I went on a 0:22:28.720 --> 0:22:30.000 date in this guy. I was like, aren't you scared? 0:22:30.000 --> 0:22:31.240 I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? 0:22:31.440 --> 0:22:33.639 But when we were leaving, we went to an event 0:22:34.080 --> 0:22:37.159 speaking event. Erica was speaking and this woman was like. 0:22:37.320 --> 0:22:39.000 We went out to reach her hand and she was like, 0:22:39.040 --> 0:22:41.479 I'm not shaking hands right now, and we were like, 0:22:41.480 --> 0:22:42.680 what the fuck is going on? 0:22:42.880 --> 0:22:44.680 She wasn't wearing a mask because the mask thing happened, 0:22:45.600 --> 0:22:48.520 but it was being yeah, passed through handshakes at that point. 0:22:48.560 --> 0:22:49.840 But then we went But then we went to the 0:22:49.880 --> 0:22:51.959 airport and everyone was wearing a mask, and I'm like, 0:22:52.320 --> 0:22:54.120 do you think this shit is about to get real? 0:22:54.160 --> 0:22:56.680 We're about to be in like a zombie apocalypse. She 0:22:56.760 --> 0:22:59.359 was like, no, no, no, it's fine, and then she 0:22:59.520 --> 0:23:04.239 got fucking like two days later, schools was you know 0:23:04.240 --> 0:23:05.679 how mom's knew school was shut there? 0:23:05.760 --> 0:23:06.000 Yeah? 0:23:06.080 --> 0:23:07.920 Yeah, the teacher was like she might not come back 0:23:07.920 --> 0:23:11.280 this week. I'm like for how long? But she's like, 0:23:11.320 --> 0:23:14.240 I don't know. I was like, oh, no, it's real. 0:23:14.840 --> 0:23:19.359 What do you mean, don't it's Wednesday? That was my my? 0:23:20.720 --> 0:23:23.440 I agree, I mean it was. It's a crazy time. 0:23:23.520 --> 0:23:26.720 But I mean, obviously, I think this time really allowed 0:23:27.200 --> 0:23:30.720 people like us and I think overall to kind of 0:23:30.760 --> 0:23:34.720 tap in, sit the fuck down, and figure out what now. 0:23:35.280 --> 0:23:37.600 And I'm so glad that this time you created this 0:23:37.640 --> 0:23:40.600 book that the high five habit, because I've been like 0:23:40.640 --> 0:23:42.399 skimming through it. I mean, I just got it. So 0:23:42.440 --> 0:23:43.320 I haven't read the whole thing. 0:23:43.400 --> 0:23:45.520 That's okay, but I know all about. 0:23:45.880 --> 0:23:48.440 But I'm just like wow, And I guess what really 0:23:48.440 --> 0:23:50.879 intrigued me so far about this too is kind of 0:23:50.920 --> 0:23:52.760 like the science behind it too that I never really 0:23:52.840 --> 0:23:56.080 realized when I was reading this section about you know, 0:23:56.119 --> 0:23:58.520 how NBA players and I'm an athlete too and like 0:23:58.600 --> 0:24:02.440 high fiving and how like it really does like transform 0:24:02.560 --> 0:24:07.639 the way you perform and the neurons in your brain. 0:24:07.760 --> 0:24:09.760 And just I was like, wow, that's so amazing that 0:24:09.840 --> 0:24:12.840 this moment that she had in the mirror just happened 0:24:12.840 --> 0:24:15.960 to also be backed by science too, Like this storory 0:24:16.000 --> 0:24:17.720 alignment is crazy. 0:24:17.359 --> 0:24:21.199 It's the story is honest to god crazy. You know. 0:24:21.240 --> 0:24:23.439 It's not like I sat down and was like, Okay, 0:24:23.520 --> 0:24:25.119 I got to write a book, got to have a 0:24:25.160 --> 0:24:28.400 five in it. You know, it's been almost five years. 0:24:28.760 --> 0:24:31.600 That's not what happened. Life punched me in the face, 0:24:32.040 --> 0:24:35.400 like I lost everything I had been working on. Because 0:24:35.760 --> 0:24:38.400 the fact is, the second that I got home, drove 0:24:38.440 --> 0:24:41.800 home to Boston, our kids now come home, two of 0:24:41.800 --> 0:24:45.840 them in college. Their college experiences imploded. They're having cascading 0:24:45.880 --> 0:24:49.440 anxiety attacks and anger and grief. And the only one 0:24:49.440 --> 0:24:51.919 that seemed unfazed was our son, you know, who's fourteen, 0:24:52.040 --> 0:24:52.960 is like, I don't care. I don't have to go 0:24:53.000 --> 0:24:54.800 to school. This is amazing. I play video games all 0:24:54.840 --> 0:24:56.800 day and mom and dad are drinking starting at ten am. 0:24:56.960 --> 0:25:02.399 They're leaving me alone. And so I literally book contracts 0:25:02.440 --> 0:25:04.680 canceled and I need to return money I've already spent. 0:25:05.160 --> 0:25:07.880 There are NOPP loans or whatever the fuck they're called. 0:25:08.080 --> 0:25:10.000 So I didn't know how I was going to make payroll. 0:25:10.400 --> 0:25:13.520 Every speech started to cancel, which was really how I 0:25:13.600 --> 0:25:17.119 made a living. And it gave me a flashback to 0:25:17.640 --> 0:25:21.520 two thousand and eight, when my husband were eight hundred 0:25:21.800 --> 0:25:25.440 thousand dollars in debt. I was unemployed. He had gone 0:25:25.480 --> 0:25:27.879 into the restaurant business with his best friend. The first 0:25:27.880 --> 0:25:29.680 one had done great. It was a little pizza joint. 0:25:29.720 --> 0:25:32.440 So we cashed out everything like complete morons and shoved 0:25:32.480 --> 0:25:34.359 it all into the business. And then the housing crisis 0:25:34.400 --> 0:25:38.000 hit and everything in that business was secured by our home. 0:25:38.359 --> 0:25:41.480 We tapped the home equity line, we tapped the credit cards. 0:25:41.520 --> 0:25:43.879 There were leans on our house. I couldn't pay for groceries. 0:25:44.200 --> 0:25:46.919 That's when I invented the five second role. And I 0:25:47.000 --> 0:25:49.640 invented the five second role counting backwards five four, three 0:25:49.680 --> 0:25:52.480 two one to get my ass out of bed, because 0:25:52.480 --> 0:25:55.600 at that moment, the anxiety was pinning me to it 0:25:55.680 --> 0:25:58.879 like a gravity blanket. So I was now fifty one 0:25:59.200 --> 0:26:02.199 looking at the universe, going, are you fucking kidding me? 0:26:02.520 --> 0:26:06.760 I've been after ten years of clawing my ass out 0:26:06.760 --> 0:26:10.720 of that hole and like helping our family and repaying 0:26:10.760 --> 0:26:13.320 this debt and helping all these people, and I'm like 0:26:13.359 --> 0:26:18.440 a relatively okay, decent person, like I this is what 0:26:18.480 --> 0:26:21.679 you're doing to me? Like I was so hissed. So 0:26:21.840 --> 0:26:25.560 for the first three weeks of the pandemic. I literally 0:26:25.600 --> 0:26:28.359 did not change out of my pajamas. I started drinking 0:26:28.400 --> 0:26:30.560 and smoking weed at about ten o'clock in the morning, 0:26:30.600 --> 0:26:33.080 and then we would just literally turn on all of 0:26:33.119 --> 0:26:36.360 the different series with our kids and watch television all day. 0:26:36.920 --> 0:26:40.479 And then one morning in April, I woke up and 0:26:40.520 --> 0:26:42.480 I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. 0:26:42.520 --> 0:26:44.680 And you don't even need the pandemic. Like this book 0:26:44.680 --> 0:26:48.720 has exploded. I'm talking to six days from the release 0:26:48.760 --> 0:26:51.240 for the number one audiobook in the world. What We 0:26:51.280 --> 0:26:53.679 are number one in Canada, we are in the top 0:26:53.880 --> 0:26:59.960 ten on Amazon. It is cracking something open inside people 0:27:00.119 --> 0:27:05.400 because I think, especially after the past eighteen months, everybody 0:27:05.760 --> 0:27:10.639 is hurting, and everybody feels beaten down and low energy 0:27:10.800 --> 0:27:13.760 and is tired of the uncertainty and feels a little 0:27:13.800 --> 0:27:16.760 stuck or lost. And it's just like, when are we 0:27:16.840 --> 0:27:19.320 gonna like go back to a life that feels like 0:27:19.440 --> 0:27:22.560 the shoe's not about to drop yet again? Right? 0:27:22.800 --> 0:27:23.040 Yeah. 0:27:23.040 --> 0:27:24.919 I feel like there's been moments where like, oh, just 0:27:24.920 --> 0:27:27.160 when you're catching up, it's like I'm bringing back down. 0:27:27.160 --> 0:27:31.040 It's been feeling just like this since completely. 0:27:31.200 --> 0:27:35.000 Yeah, And we are not designed to live with this 0:27:35.160 --> 0:27:39.920 level of sustained uncertainty. The reason why you feel more 0:27:39.960 --> 0:27:45.080 on edge, or you feel your anxiety is more easily triggered, 0:27:45.440 --> 0:27:47.879 or you feel like you cry more easily, or if 0:27:47.920 --> 0:27:50.480 you're like me, you feel by one thirty in the 0:27:50.560 --> 0:27:53.320 afternoon like you've just taken the SAT exam and you 0:27:53.320 --> 0:27:55.800 need a martini. Like it's just like I can't focus 0:27:55.840 --> 0:27:59.600 on anything. It's because your nervous system is permanently in 0:27:59.600 --> 0:28:01.600 fight or flight. Right now, we wear a mask. We 0:28:01.680 --> 0:28:03.119 not wear a master. I wear a messing this spilling DRG. 0:28:03.200 --> 0:28:04.440 Are they going to school? They're not going to say 0:28:04.480 --> 0:28:06.520 what's happening? I don't fucking know. Give me the joint. 0:28:06.920 --> 0:28:12.960 So I I for real, for real, And so you know, 0:28:13.040 --> 0:28:16.520 whether you're listening to us and you've just been broken 0:28:16.600 --> 0:28:20.240 up with or you didn't get the promotion, or you 0:28:20.280 --> 0:28:22.919 can't get yourself to fill out the application to go 0:28:22.960 --> 0:28:26.120 back to nursing school, or you listen to these two 0:28:26.160 --> 0:28:28.080 amazing ladies and you're like, I need to start that 0:28:28.119 --> 0:28:31.160 podcast and you're like, uh, Like, whatever it is that's 0:28:31.240 --> 0:28:35.000 pinning you to the bed and making you feel like 0:28:35.119 --> 0:28:39.320 you're overwhelmed by your life, I think it's a universal feeling. 0:28:39.800 --> 0:28:42.240 And that's what I felt in April of twenty twenty, 0:28:42.320 --> 0:28:44.920 and so I used the five second rule five fourth 0:28:44.920 --> 0:28:46.800 three two one. I got out of bed. I made 0:28:46.840 --> 0:28:48.680 my bed. I always make my bed. That morning, I 0:28:48.680 --> 0:28:50.719 made my bed so I didn't climb back into it. 0:28:51.680 --> 0:28:54.600 I dragged myself to the bathroom and I'm standing there 0:28:54.600 --> 0:28:58.560 in my underwear and I catch a glimpse of my 0:28:58.640 --> 0:29:02.400 reflection and I literally think, oh my. 0:29:02.360 --> 0:29:05.560 God, you look like hell. 0:29:07.000 --> 0:29:11.040 And then the beatdown starts. And this is the dirty 0:29:11.560 --> 0:29:15.120 secret that no one's talking about, and that is every 0:29:15.160 --> 0:29:19.840 human being has an ugly, awful habit, and I want 0:29:19.840 --> 0:29:22.880 to just blow the doors wide open on it. Every 0:29:22.960 --> 0:29:26.480 human being either stands in front of the mirror in 0:29:26.520 --> 0:29:30.440 the morning and either picks apart all the things that 0:29:30.480 --> 0:29:34.080 they need to fix, or this is unbelievable how common 0:29:34.080 --> 0:29:36.680 this is. Can't even look at themselves in the mirror. 0:29:37.160 --> 0:29:41.640 Fifty percent of men and women cannot even look at 0:29:41.640 --> 0:29:44.840 themselves in the mirror. Wow, And that's how we're starting 0:29:44.840 --> 0:29:48.280 our days. And it's so much a part of our 0:29:48.360 --> 0:29:51.160 lives you don't even realize it. And so here I 0:29:51.200 --> 0:29:53.600 am picking myself apart, which only makes me feel worse 0:29:53.640 --> 0:29:56.160 about myself. And if you had walked into the bathroom 0:29:56.200 --> 0:29:58.320 at that moment and you were like going through it, 0:29:58.760 --> 0:30:00.520 I would have been able to spin on a and 0:30:00.560 --> 0:30:02.840 lift you up, just like get it on the call, right, like, oh, 0:30:02.880 --> 0:30:05.120 I got you right. But when it comes to picking 0:30:05.160 --> 0:30:08.160 yourself up, fuck that. I pile drive myself. We all 0:30:08.160 --> 0:30:10.360 do it. And I don't know what came over me, 0:30:10.400 --> 0:30:13.000 because I think you can tell I am not really 0:30:13.160 --> 0:30:17.240 a cheesy person, you know, like I'm not like somebody 0:30:17.280 --> 0:30:20.120 that would just invent some fluffy fucking thing to sell books, 0:30:20.160 --> 0:30:23.000 like that's just not my jam. But for whatever reason, 0:30:23.080 --> 0:30:25.959 standing there in my underwear, one boom hanging lower than 0:30:26.000 --> 0:30:29.000 the other, my gray hair coming in like saggy tits, 0:30:29.040 --> 0:30:31.120 saggy neck, like I'm a lot older than you, guys, 0:30:31.200 --> 0:30:34.680 just wait what's coming. And so I literally, just as 0:30:34.720 --> 0:30:37.520 pathetic as it sounds, I'd never done this before. I 0:30:37.680 --> 0:30:39.320 raised my hand in a high five of the woman 0:30:39.440 --> 0:30:40.920 in the mirror because she looked like she. 0:30:40.880 --> 0:30:44.200 Fucking needed I haven't tried this yet, fuck it. 0:30:44.520 --> 0:30:48.400 Yeah, And it's not like lightning strike. It's not like 0:30:48.440 --> 0:30:51.200 the Heaven's open and the angel sang like it's not like, ah, 0:30:51.280 --> 0:30:53.840 that's not what happened. But I'll tell you what. From 0:30:53.880 --> 0:30:57.000 the very first one, like something shifted and I felt 0:30:57.000 --> 0:30:59.680 this bit of like energy come back, like fucking pull 0:30:59.680 --> 0:31:02.720 it again, like you're not dead, you have a house, 0:31:03.320 --> 0:31:06.280 get out there. It's not that bad, you know, Like 0:31:06.400 --> 0:31:08.200 I didn't even think that stuff. That was sort of 0:31:08.200 --> 0:31:10.920 the energy, but it was the second day. Wait to 0:31:11.000 --> 0:31:15.400 hear this shit. The second day is when everything broke open. 0:31:15.440 --> 0:31:17.200 And I want to unpack this for you because I 0:31:17.200 --> 0:31:20.920 think you will really get this at a profound level. 0:31:22.120 --> 0:31:25.720 So I wake up again, same shit's going on, No 0:31:25.800 --> 0:31:30.200 idea how we're going to deal with this, financially overwhelmed, depleted, 0:31:30.920 --> 0:31:33.200 lost five or three two on them up, make the bed. 0:31:33.360 --> 0:31:36.680 I start walking to the bathroom, and all of a sudden, 0:31:36.720 --> 0:31:39.920 before I even get to the bathroom, I have this 0:31:41.200 --> 0:31:47.320 realization that I am feeling something I have never felt 0:31:48.120 --> 0:31:52.040 in my entire adult life. And it was this. You 0:31:52.080 --> 0:31:53.760 know how when you're about to walk into a bar 0:31:53.960 --> 0:31:58.000 cafe and you're going to meet somebody really like really 0:31:58.040 --> 0:32:00.400 great friend you haven't seen in a while, how do 0:32:00.440 --> 0:32:01.080 you feel. 0:32:01.480 --> 0:32:03.600 Tingly inside like a little butterflies? 0:32:03.720 --> 0:32:08.200 Yeah, yeah, I felt that way about the idea of 0:32:08.200 --> 0:32:11.960 seeing myself. I am going to be fifty three in 0:32:12.000 --> 0:32:15.040 two days. I have never, at that point in my 0:32:15.080 --> 0:32:20.360 adult life had the experience of being excited to see 0:32:20.360 --> 0:32:23.160 me the human being. I've been excited to see an 0:32:23.160 --> 0:32:25.360 outfit or what my makeup looks like. 0:32:25.440 --> 0:32:26.360 Literally was going to say that. 0:32:26.400 --> 0:32:29.160 I was like, well, I've been excited, my makeup is done. 0:32:29.960 --> 0:32:30.960 Yeah, it's like. 0:32:31.000 --> 0:32:31.600 Such a shouting. 0:32:31.600 --> 0:32:34.880 But to see yourself, no, I know. Yeah, when we 0:32:34.880 --> 0:32:38.360 were kids, we weren't like that. We saw Jansen kissing yourself, 0:32:38.440 --> 0:32:40.760 high five, trolling in the mirror, admiring yourself. 0:32:40.840 --> 0:32:42.280 Look at me, look at me, mom, Mom. 0:32:42.640 --> 0:32:45.800 Yes, yes, they see their essence. And that's the other 0:32:45.840 --> 0:32:48.560 thing is I started walking into the bathroom, I realized 0:32:49.080 --> 0:32:52.040 the profound nature of what was happening, and I realized 0:32:52.040 --> 0:32:56.600 for the first time, Holy shit, there are two people 0:32:56.680 --> 0:33:01.200 in the bathroom every morning. There's you and there's a 0:33:01.240 --> 0:33:04.760 woman in the mirror. And she has been waiting for 0:33:04.800 --> 0:33:07.200 you to wake the fuck up and see her and 0:33:07.280 --> 0:33:10.120 to see what she's trying, and that she needs you, 0:33:10.440 --> 0:33:12.920 and she's tired of you beating her down and picking 0:33:12.960 --> 0:33:16.160 her apart. She needs your support, she needs your love 0:33:16.880 --> 0:33:17.680 like she needs you. 0:33:18.880 --> 0:33:21.200 Wow, that is fucking profound. 0:33:21.400 --> 0:33:24.160 You know what, As you're describing this my mind, I'm 0:33:24.200 --> 0:33:28.719 just thinking of a ray On Insecure pumping herself up 0:33:28.720 --> 0:33:30.760 in the mirror and show yeah, and I'm like, yeah, 0:33:30.760 --> 0:33:31.520 it's it is true. 0:33:31.560 --> 0:33:33.040 There are two women in the room. 0:33:33.240 --> 0:33:34.720 There are yeah, And. 0:33:34.600 --> 0:33:38.200 We always forget to pump ourselves up. It's so easy 0:33:38.240 --> 0:33:40.400 to pump other people up. It's so people to mother 0:33:40.520 --> 0:33:43.520 your child, it's so easy to nurture other people and 0:33:43.560 --> 0:33:46.640 like it's okay, girl, But like we rarely do that 0:33:46.720 --> 0:33:49.720 to ourselves. You know, we rarely like it's okay, life 0:33:49.800 --> 0:33:51.959 goes on, You're going to be okay. We don't have 0:33:52.040 --> 0:33:54.280 those pep talks sometimes, Like I'll go all the way 0:33:54.320 --> 0:33:56.240 into Luna' school drop her off, and then someone looks 0:33:56.240 --> 0:33:57.640 at me and I'm like, what the fuck do I 0:33:57.680 --> 0:33:59.360 look like the same thing? And then I'll look in 0:33:59.400 --> 0:34:00.600 the mirror and I'll I'm like, I didn't look in 0:34:00.600 --> 0:34:02.600 the mirror at all. And I have a huge mirror 0:34:02.640 --> 0:34:04.680 in my bedroom, Like you can't miss this shit. I 0:34:04.720 --> 0:34:06.320 don't know how I've bean I brush my teeth. 0:34:06.360 --> 0:34:08.359 I don't know where I'm like, if you're thinking about 0:34:08.360 --> 0:34:09.120 everybody else. 0:34:08.960 --> 0:34:11.960 It's sometimes like I may have actually glanced in the mirror, 0:34:12.000 --> 0:34:14.320 but I did not look at myself. I'm I'm thinking, 0:34:14.400 --> 0:34:16.800 I literally think, like did I not just did I 0:34:17.120 --> 0:34:19.400 see it? But not see it? Like you're really not 0:34:19.440 --> 0:34:23.000 acknowledging yourself. Your reflection is always there, but it's you 0:34:23.280 --> 0:34:27.760 thinking so much that you're not even processing and acknowledging yourself. 0:34:28.160 --> 0:34:30.000 And sometimes, like even standing in the mirror looking at 0:34:30.000 --> 0:34:32.160 yourself for a very long time can feel almost. 0:34:32.040 --> 0:34:34.120 Awkward because it intimate too. 0:34:34.160 --> 0:34:36.840 It's intimate you don't do it, and like even we 0:34:36.840 --> 0:34:38.840 don't even look at our friends or each other that 0:34:38.960 --> 0:34:41.560 often if someone's making eye contact with you back, we 0:34:41.680 --> 0:34:45.160 rarely even do that because it's uncomfortable almost, so like 0:34:45.200 --> 0:34:47.960 I can imagine how profound that was to be, Like, damn, 0:34:47.960 --> 0:34:49.120 people need to hear about this. 0:34:49.640 --> 0:34:53.359 Yeah, well it didn't even hit then. So I had 0:34:53.520 --> 0:34:55.920 just read a piece of research from Harvard, and it 0:34:56.000 --> 0:34:58.399 must be amazing since it's from Harvard, right, But I'd 0:34:58.400 --> 0:35:00.160 read it the day before because I was trying to 0:35:00.160 --> 0:35:01.719 figure out how the fuck am I going to keep 0:35:01.760 --> 0:35:04.920 my team inspired? Like I'm in the gutter here, and 0:35:05.000 --> 0:35:07.560 so I read this piece of research just the day 0:35:07.560 --> 0:35:10.760 before that was if you spend less than a minute 0:35:10.880 --> 0:35:13.480 as a leader thinking about how you're going to show 0:35:13.560 --> 0:35:16.920 up today, it changes your focus, your productivity, and the 0:35:16.920 --> 0:35:19.320 impact you make on people. And so, for whatever reason, 0:35:19.400 --> 0:35:21.600 like I think it was like the universe, it was divine. 0:35:22.040 --> 0:35:24.440 It popped into my mind and I did something I'd 0:35:24.480 --> 0:35:27.400 never done before. I looked at my reflection and I 0:35:27.440 --> 0:35:29.839 asked myself this question, how am I going to show 0:35:29.880 --> 0:35:33.440 up for her? What does she need for me? And 0:35:33.560 --> 0:35:35.360 I think on that day I was sort of like, bitch, 0:35:35.400 --> 0:35:37.680 stop like bitching about everything. I need you to actually 0:35:37.719 --> 0:35:39.120 have a little I need to be kinder to me. 0:35:39.200 --> 0:35:40.920 I need to like like actually believe we're going to 0:35:40.960 --> 0:35:43.120 get through this, like stop with the death talk here 0:35:43.920 --> 0:35:46.920 and so I and then I just raised my hand 0:35:47.080 --> 0:35:49.759 and high five myself. And so I did this every 0:35:49.800 --> 0:35:52.239 morning for a couple of weeks. And then I literally 0:35:52.640 --> 0:35:55.719 posted one photo on my story. Had I known it 0:35:55.760 --> 0:35:57.040 was going to be this one in the book with 0:35:57.120 --> 0:35:58.960 the BedHead and the retainer in, I might have picked 0:35:59.000 --> 0:36:02.879 a different morning. But I within literally if you turn 0:36:02.920 --> 0:36:06.120 to chapter two, it's that it's photo there, but within 0:36:06.719 --> 0:36:10.560 an hour, more than one hundred people around the world, 0:36:10.920 --> 0:36:15.040 all shapes, colors, sizes, religions, ages, genders up, like every 0:36:15.360 --> 0:36:18.040 started posting photos of themselves. I didn't even put any 0:36:18.080 --> 0:36:20.600 instructions down, and I thought, holy shit, maybe I'm not 0:36:20.640 --> 0:36:24.520 the only one who's feeling lost right now. And so 0:36:24.560 --> 0:36:26.920 I spent the last year researching this. The science is 0:36:26.960 --> 0:36:27.680 fucking crazy. 0:36:27.920 --> 0:36:28.560 It's insane. 0:36:28.680 --> 0:36:37.960 So let me unpack this for you. Because it's bananas banana. 0:36:38.000 --> 0:36:38.879 I know, I was reading. 0:36:38.880 --> 0:36:40.359 I mean, I'm sure it's even I didn't even get 0:36:40.400 --> 0:36:41.799 to read the whole thing, but I was like, oh 0:36:41.800 --> 0:36:42.200 my god. 0:36:42.280 --> 0:36:45.000 Wow, here's the coolest part of all of this. 0:36:45.160 --> 0:36:45.840 Oh my god. 0:36:46.120 --> 0:36:48.319 The coolest part of all of this is that all 0:36:48.360 --> 0:36:50.640 of the programming for why this works is already in 0:36:50.680 --> 0:36:52.920 your brain and your nervous system because you have been 0:36:53.000 --> 0:36:56.000 high five in other people your whole life. 0:36:56.120 --> 0:36:58.200 Kids, we just know, like we tell them to do it, like, 0:36:58.239 --> 0:36:59.520 and then they do it, and then they can't stop 0:36:59.520 --> 0:37:00.319 because it feel good. 0:37:00.520 --> 0:37:02.440 Yes, We're just gonna aim all this shit back at you. 0:37:02.920 --> 0:37:05.319 It's the coolest thing. So when you high five somebody else, 0:37:05.400 --> 0:37:07.880 what are you actually communicating? When you go to hear 0:37:08.040 --> 0:37:10.919 you and I hi five. Oh wait, now see what happens? 0:37:10.960 --> 0:37:13.640 You do a shitty one. You gotta do it again. Yes, 0:37:13.760 --> 0:37:19.680 there you go. Oh, I gotta hit you too. So 0:37:19.719 --> 0:37:21.960 when you do that, what are you communicating to somebody? 0:37:22.040 --> 0:37:22.920 Good job? Let's go. 0:37:23.120 --> 0:37:24.360 Ye you got this, you got this. 0:37:24.560 --> 0:37:26.600 That's right. It says I believe you, I love you, 0:37:26.640 --> 0:37:28.680 I see you. If somebody's attitude's going down, you hit 0:37:28.719 --> 0:37:30.719 them high five. It's like, pick yourself up. I still 0:37:30.719 --> 0:37:33.400 believe in you. All of that programming is in your 0:37:33.400 --> 0:37:36.239 subconscious mind and it is fused with the action of 0:37:36.280 --> 0:37:38.400 a high five. This is called neuerroobics. I did not 0:37:38.560 --> 0:37:41.600 know this when I stumbled into this. Neuroobics is the 0:37:41.680 --> 0:37:44.480 fastest way to create a new mindset, to create new 0:37:44.520 --> 0:37:49.160 thinking patterns. And basically, when you marry a physical action 0:37:49.320 --> 0:37:53.600 with a different thought pattern, it plows a new neuropathway 0:37:53.600 --> 0:37:56.560 into your mind. So when you go to raise your 0:37:56.680 --> 0:37:59.560 hand to your reflection, you can stand in front of 0:37:59.600 --> 0:38:01.680 the mirror. And this is the best part. First of all, 0:38:01.800 --> 0:38:04.839 I don't want you to say or think anything when 0:38:04.880 --> 0:38:07.319 you do this. There is no mantra you need to 0:38:07.320 --> 0:38:10.560 have you can stand before yourself and go I'm fat, 0:38:11.000 --> 0:38:15.200 I'm worthless, I hate myself, I have an ugly face, 0:38:15.719 --> 0:38:18.200 I am damaged. I will You can think all that 0:38:18.239 --> 0:38:20.880 shit that you've been thinking forever. When you go to 0:38:20.960 --> 0:38:25.040 raise your physical hand, your brain pulls all the programming 0:38:25.080 --> 0:38:27.600 from your subconscious mind because it knows what a high 0:38:27.600 --> 0:38:29.560 five is. It doesn't care if I'm high fiving either 0:38:29.560 --> 0:38:32.279 one of you or my own reflection. It'll shut that 0:38:32.360 --> 0:38:36.799 voice up because the action has programming. You've never high 0:38:36.800 --> 0:38:38.880 five somebody and thought you're a failure. I hate you, 0:38:38.960 --> 0:38:42.879 I hope you lose. Ever, so it is neurologically impossible 0:38:43.280 --> 0:38:46.000 to beat yourself up while you're high fiving your own reflection. 0:38:46.560 --> 0:38:48.880 And we've had so many people now write to us 0:38:48.880 --> 0:38:52.480 and say, and a weird thing has happened, because energetically, 0:38:52.520 --> 0:38:56.000 your nervous system is hardwired for this. When you wave 0:38:56.080 --> 0:38:58.839 hello to somebody, you raise your hand. When you hug somebody, 0:38:58.960 --> 0:39:00.600 raise your hand, when you cross a finish line, you 0:39:00.680 --> 0:39:02.560 raise your hand. When you high five somebody, You raise 0:39:02.560 --> 0:39:04.920 your hand when you do it to yourself. That kind 0:39:04.960 --> 0:39:09.319 of really corny, weird little what that you get. That's 0:39:09.320 --> 0:39:14.720 your nervous system wired for celebration. You're tapping into that. Also, 0:39:15.200 --> 0:39:18.040 whenever anybody else has ever high five to you, your 0:39:18.040 --> 0:39:22.399 brain drips dopamine. You get the same fucking thing when 0:39:22.440 --> 0:39:23.280 you do it to yourself. 0:39:23.760 --> 0:39:27.840 M it's that validation, it's that happiness. Yes, yeah, that 0:39:27.880 --> 0:39:30.360 makes sense. I mean I think when I was reading 0:39:30.360 --> 0:39:34.000 that section too, and they were talking about like the children, 0:39:34.200 --> 0:39:36.160 yes to dip the study that they did with the kids, 0:39:36.600 --> 0:39:38.600 and basically that you know, the kids perform all the 0:39:38.680 --> 0:39:40.799 kids that were high fiving performed at a higher level. 0:39:41.239 --> 0:39:42.759 That made sense to me because I felt like as 0:39:42.760 --> 0:39:46.040 a child, like I feel like action is so important 0:39:46.120 --> 0:39:48.600 and for some reason, when as we get older, like 0:39:48.640 --> 0:39:51.480 we kind of lose that part of us, like validating 0:39:51.480 --> 0:39:53.880 each other in action. We just say a lot of things, 0:39:54.360 --> 0:39:57.040 and you know, we're told even even us, like we're 0:39:57.080 --> 0:39:59.680 told we tell our listeners, like you know, talk nice 0:39:59.680 --> 0:40:02.400 to yourself, like say thing like for me, like in therapy, 0:40:02.520 --> 0:40:04.120 one of the things that like my therapist helped me 0:40:04.160 --> 0:40:06.319 with because I had body issues, especially after I had 0:40:06.320 --> 0:40:08.640 my daughter, was like talking nice to my body and 0:40:08.680 --> 0:40:10.960 like it took a while though, because I didn't believe 0:40:11.000 --> 0:40:13.480 it for a while. It took me a while to 0:40:13.600 --> 0:40:16.960 believe it. Eventually it did work, though, but it did 0:40:17.000 --> 0:40:19.440 take longer. And I was reading about like, you know, 0:40:20.200 --> 0:40:23.600 the issues that you have with certain mantras or affirmations 0:40:23.640 --> 0:40:25.960 is that like you don't actually believe them halfway. 0:40:25.960 --> 0:40:29.160 Well, you experienced that, right, Yeah, So most people cannot 0:40:29.200 --> 0:40:32.719 stand in front of a mirror and look at themselves 0:40:33.440 --> 0:40:35.839 if for the last couple of years or decades they 0:40:35.840 --> 0:40:38.560 have hid in the back of every photo or they 0:40:38.640 --> 0:40:42.399 have gone ugh when they see themselves. They can't stand 0:40:42.400 --> 0:40:43.920 in front of mirror and go I love my stretch 0:40:43.920 --> 0:40:49.360 marks because neurologically, their brain has been programmed repeatedly to 0:40:49.480 --> 0:40:52.360 believe the opposite, and so repeating a mantra that you 0:40:52.400 --> 0:40:55.560 don't actually believe makes you feel worse about yourself. And 0:40:55.600 --> 0:40:58.000 what I love about the high five is, let's talk 0:40:58.040 --> 0:41:01.759 a little bit about the two experiences that people have 0:41:01.800 --> 0:41:04.279 when they do this for the first time, because we've 0:41:04.320 --> 0:41:05.080 studied this too. 0:41:05.480 --> 0:41:06.479 And what I. 0:41:06.360 --> 0:41:09.200 Love about the high five is that the physical action 0:41:09.320 --> 0:41:12.680 alone does the programming. So you're not only tapping into 0:41:13.080 --> 0:41:15.560 the programming that's in there associated with a lifetime of 0:41:15.560 --> 0:41:18.440 receiving and giving high fives to other people. But you 0:41:18.480 --> 0:41:23.280 are also tapping into something called behavioral activation therapy, which 0:41:23.360 --> 0:41:26.880 is shorthand for act like the person you want to become. 0:41:27.239 --> 0:41:30.640 So if you normally have a habit of self rejection 0:41:30.880 --> 0:41:33.440 in the mirror, picking yourself apart, which is self rejection, 0:41:34.080 --> 0:41:37.719 or not even looking yourself, which is self rejection, and 0:41:38.160 --> 0:41:42.840 your brain sees you high fiving your reflection, your brain goes, oh, 0:41:43.200 --> 0:41:46.200 we actually don't criticize that person. This is the person 0:41:46.239 --> 0:41:49.719 we cheer for. And as you keep repeating it, that 0:41:49.880 --> 0:41:53.280 picture of you, along with the dopamine and the jolt 0:41:53.280 --> 0:41:56.000 of energy, starts to seear in your mind and stay 0:41:56.040 --> 0:41:58.440 with you. And so it's an action that starts to 0:41:58.560 --> 0:42:01.839 prove to you that you actually do deserve support, You 0:42:01.880 --> 0:42:05.040 do deserve encouragement because every morning you're giving yourself that 0:42:05.080 --> 0:42:06.520 physical gesture, that means it. 0:42:06.880 --> 0:42:08.920 So for the woman who doesn't, who is trying to 0:42:09.000 --> 0:42:11.520 learn to love, their first stretch marks like, is that 0:42:11.920 --> 0:42:14.520 when she does that high five? Does she say what? 0:42:14.800 --> 0:42:15.040 She say? 0:42:15.760 --> 0:42:16.040 Nothing? 0:42:16.160 --> 0:42:18.480 No, And so let me tell you what happens. So 0:42:18.600 --> 0:42:20.960 there's only two reactions to doing this. I'm so geeked 0:42:20.960 --> 0:42:24.720 out about this, Like you, you cannot believe the testimonials 0:42:24.719 --> 0:42:27.239 that are coming in. Like we had a woman that 0:42:27.320 --> 0:42:29.400 wrote to us who is in a domestic violent shelter, 0:42:29.880 --> 0:42:33.879 extraordinary trauma from the age of four to thirteen. Then 0:42:33.920 --> 0:42:39.160 she escapes a wildly abusive four year relationship. She's lost everything, 0:42:39.160 --> 0:42:42.960 she's in a domestic violent shelter. She said, by simply 0:42:43.280 --> 0:42:45.359 doing the high five in the mirror and something else 0:42:45.400 --> 0:42:47.320 that we'll talk about called high five in your heart, 0:42:47.400 --> 0:42:50.759 which is an incredible thing for anxiety that in five 0:42:50.880 --> 0:42:54.040 days she knows she has a lifetime of healing. She 0:42:54.080 --> 0:42:57.760 has a long road that she needs to build to 0:42:57.800 --> 0:43:00.560 create her life again. But the high five in the 0:43:00.560 --> 0:43:03.040 mirror is teaching her that no matter what, she still 0:43:03.080 --> 0:43:08.279 has herself. And so what you're gonna experience is you're 0:43:08.280 --> 0:43:10.239 either gonna experience when the first time you go to 0:43:10.280 --> 0:43:13.640 do this, is you're gonna experience either a very positive experience. 0:43:13.640 --> 0:43:16.960 So you'll either laugh out loud that's the dopamine, or 0:43:17.680 --> 0:43:23.640 you'll weep in a very positive way. And it's a 0:43:23.960 --> 0:43:29.919 very positive emotional release because it's this joining in partnership 0:43:30.160 --> 0:43:32.359 with the human being you see in the mirror, your soul, 0:43:32.480 --> 0:43:37.160 your spirit, and this release is finally like, finally, motherfucker, 0:43:37.640 --> 0:43:41.520 you finally woke on, you finally see me, You're finally 0:43:42.320 --> 0:43:46.480 kind to me, and it's powerful. So it's really common 0:43:46.520 --> 0:43:51.640 to cry, But the more likely experience is negative because 0:43:51.640 --> 0:43:54.560 what most people do is they stand before the mirror 0:43:54.800 --> 0:43:59.000 and they resist it. And this is really sad, and 0:43:59.080 --> 0:44:02.680 let me unpack what's happening. So there are three reasons 0:44:02.680 --> 0:44:05.799 why people resist high fiving themselves, and it has to 0:44:05.840 --> 0:44:08.479 do with the two human beings, you and the human 0:44:08.520 --> 0:44:13.879 being in the mirror. Everybody brings their entire past into 0:44:13.920 --> 0:44:17.759 the bathroom every morning subconsciously, and it stands between you 0:44:17.840 --> 0:44:20.160 and the human being in the mirror. So if you 0:44:20.239 --> 0:44:23.239 are somebody like a lot of us, myself included, who 0:44:23.320 --> 0:44:27.680 has experienced childhood trauma, if you've been sexually abused, which 0:44:27.719 --> 0:44:31.600 I have as a young kid, if you have experienced discrimination, 0:44:31.880 --> 0:44:38.520 if you've experienced poverty, abandonment, violence, microaggressions, negative, like anything 0:44:38.880 --> 0:44:41.879 in the plethora of experiences that a human being could 0:44:41.920 --> 0:44:44.759 experience that have been done to you that you're not 0:44:44.880 --> 0:44:47.360 responsible for. A ton of people drag it into the 0:44:47.360 --> 0:44:51.160 bathroom and it makes them see a person that is unlovable, unworthy, 0:44:51.239 --> 0:44:54.279 or damaged. And what I'm here to say is, if 0:44:54.320 --> 0:44:57.680 you've survived that shit and you're still breathing, you not 0:44:57.880 --> 0:45:01.239 only deserve a high five, you fucking need one to 0:45:01.280 --> 0:45:05.080 heal because you're saying I see you, I know what 0:45:05.120 --> 0:45:07.360 you've been through, and I still love you, and I 0:45:07.440 --> 0:45:11.239 still got you, and I still encourage you. It's compassion, 0:45:11.400 --> 0:45:15.479 it's support, it's a healing gesture. The second reason why 0:45:15.520 --> 0:45:17.640 people resist this is because. 0:45:18.120 --> 0:45:19.759 The other part of the past that we drag in 0:45:19.840 --> 0:45:21.759 is all the shit we did that we don't like, 0:45:22.239 --> 0:45:24.680 which I got a lot of personally. The bad choices, 0:45:24.760 --> 0:45:27.840 oh yeah, more than bad choice, the lifestyle I was living, 0:45:27.960 --> 0:45:32.319 the cheating, the drinking, the addiction, the lying, the squandering 0:45:32.360 --> 0:45:36.000 of opportunity, the hurting people, the hurting myself, all of 0:45:36.040 --> 0:45:38.480 the shit you wish you could take back, stuff that 0:45:38.760 --> 0:45:41.520 I'd forgive the two of you for, somebody would forgive 0:45:41.520 --> 0:45:44.200 mel Robbins for. But when you stand in the mirror 0:45:44.200 --> 0:45:47.799 in the morning, you stand in judgment of yourself, and 0:45:47.840 --> 0:45:50.399 you refuse to give yourself the forgiveness that you need 0:45:50.840 --> 0:45:53.960 to move on and to grow. The high five doesn't 0:45:54.000 --> 0:45:57.680 wipe that shit away. The high five is I know. 0:45:58.440 --> 0:46:00.920 And I still love you, and I'm still going to 0:46:00.960 --> 0:46:02.759 be here for you, and I'm still going to support you. 0:46:03.920 --> 0:46:08.680 And it's a way to repair your self esteem and 0:46:08.719 --> 0:46:13.040 your self worth by treating yourself with the encouragement and 0:46:13.080 --> 0:46:15.920 the support you still deserve. And then the third reason 0:46:15.920 --> 0:46:18.520 why people resist it is because we have been so 0:46:18.680 --> 0:46:21.439 trained to believe, since we are very little, that you're 0:46:21.440 --> 0:46:24.520 only worthy of celebration if you're winning, when you get 0:46:24.520 --> 0:46:27.160 the good grade, when the team scores, when you're doing good, 0:46:27.400 --> 0:46:30.200 everybody cheers for you. And so you start to become 0:46:30.239 --> 0:46:31.799 an adult where you're like, well, I didn't get to 0:46:31.840 --> 0:46:34.440 the gym today, So do I still high five myself? 0:46:34.640 --> 0:46:36.319 But I don't weigh what I want to weigh? Do 0:46:36.360 --> 0:46:38.759 I still high five myself, but I didn't do the 0:46:38.800 --> 0:46:42.040 thing that I said I would do. Do I still yes, Yes, motherfucker, 0:46:42.160 --> 0:46:44.799 you still high five yourself every fucking morning. And the 0:46:44.880 --> 0:46:49.319 reason why is because you need support and encouragement to 0:46:49.520 --> 0:46:52.799 do the work to actually change your life. 0:46:52.920 --> 0:46:56.760 So fucking true, It's true. If you focus on the negative, 0:46:56.800 --> 0:47:01.160 it will literally consume you. I've been there, like, bitch, 0:47:01.239 --> 0:47:03.400 you're talking so much shit, Like in my head, I'm 0:47:03.440 --> 0:47:05.719 having these conversations like a crazy person, like we're going 0:47:05.800 --> 0:47:08.760 to get nowhere for just in this space, you literally 0:47:08.840 --> 0:47:11.120 cannot do better and get to the next part. If 0:47:11.120 --> 0:47:14.040 you're just dwelling on what you haven't done and what 0:47:14.120 --> 0:47:16.279 you're what you're not good at, or what you don't have. 0:47:16.440 --> 0:47:18.160 It literally does not work that way. 0:47:18.640 --> 0:47:19.360 No, it doesn't. 0:47:19.719 --> 0:47:23.000 But it's so easy to criticize ourselves. It's so easy 0:47:23.040 --> 0:47:25.400 to be like you, like you did good, but what's next? 0:47:26.000 --> 0:47:27.719 Like that was cool? Oh you got a book? Deal, cool, 0:47:27.719 --> 0:47:28.200 what's next? 0:47:28.360 --> 0:47:30.680 Well, I'll tell you why we've married, or at least 0:47:30.719 --> 0:47:33.440 I did. I'm married, whether or not I was worthy 0:47:33.480 --> 0:47:36.480 of love with what I was doing. And when you 0:47:36.520 --> 0:47:40.920 realize you are worthy of love because you're breathing, everything changes. 0:47:41.400 --> 0:47:43.400 So I think about our birthdays, right, what are we 0:47:43.400 --> 0:47:45.320 actually celebrating when you celebrate your birthday? 0:47:45.920 --> 0:47:50.080 Your birth your existence? Correct solely your existence, not your existence, 0:47:50.160 --> 0:47:53.160 and not your existence. And your book was the bomb 0:47:53.239 --> 0:47:57.800 on audible, not your existence? And you have a hot body. 0:47:57.840 --> 0:47:59.840 It's just purely solely you. 0:48:00.200 --> 0:48:02.239 You're here, Yeah, you're still here. 0:48:02.320 --> 0:48:03.160 Yeah, you're here. 0:48:03.200 --> 0:48:07.880 We forget that existing is the thing, you know, like 0:48:08.239 --> 0:48:13.080 whomever you believe in, spirit, God, ancestors, whatever the mystics lay, 0:48:13.239 --> 0:48:16.960 they brought you here and under these exact circumstances. And 0:48:17.200 --> 0:48:19.600 I think like a part of the cool thing about 0:48:19.600 --> 0:48:22.200 having this conversation with you is that you birth this 0:48:22.360 --> 0:48:26.280 amazing book and this amazing movement out of this dark 0:48:26.320 --> 0:48:29.880 place that you were in. But it's really the your purpose. 0:48:30.080 --> 0:48:32.799 You know, it's your passion. Because it's your purpose, it 0:48:32.800 --> 0:48:36.640 became easy, it got to this height of success because 0:48:36.920 --> 0:48:39.360 it was what you were supposed to the message you 0:48:39.360 --> 0:48:42.040 were supposed to tell the world. Yeah, and I think, 0:48:42.239 --> 0:48:46.040 you know, people underestimate that little thing you know that 0:48:46.400 --> 0:48:49.080 is planted, that seed, that's planet. That's like damn, maybe 0:48:49.120 --> 0:48:51.520 someone else is experiencing this because I needed to hear 0:48:51.560 --> 0:48:54.040 this for a shift to happen, like even for me 0:48:54.080 --> 0:48:56.480 and Erica. Like you're saying, like saying no to big 0:48:56.520 --> 0:48:58.640 brands and big court you know, people who come in. 0:48:58.920 --> 0:49:01.760 It's like when you know your purpose and your passion 0:49:01.880 --> 0:49:05.040 is fucking important, nobody can come in and put any 0:49:05.080 --> 0:49:07.000 dollar price on it and say give it to me. 0:49:07.480 --> 0:49:09.000 You know, I love that you're tying it back to 0:49:09.000 --> 0:49:11.040 that and let me tell you why. Because if you 0:49:11.120 --> 0:49:14.719 start your day by picking yourself apart and then thinking, fuck, 0:49:14.719 --> 0:49:16.120 I didn't do this, and then I got to do that, 0:49:16.200 --> 0:49:18.400 and you're kind of in this negative space and some 0:49:18.560 --> 0:49:24.080 big brand rolls in, you'll be like, oh, thank god, Okay. 0:49:24.160 --> 0:49:28.799 If you can start every day validating yourself, going I 0:49:28.920 --> 0:49:31.080 see you, I'm playing a big game. I got you, 0:49:31.160 --> 0:49:34.439 and you demonstrate it, that's the important part. You don't 0:49:34.440 --> 0:49:35.640 have to do the self talk. All you have to 0:49:35.640 --> 0:49:38.440 do is demonstrate it. Let's talk common sense. You're you know, 0:49:38.480 --> 0:49:40.520 you were mentioning the NBA study and we're going to 0:49:40.640 --> 0:49:43.160 unpack that cause I think it's important for people to understand. 0:49:43.719 --> 0:49:47.760 If you think about your favorite sports teams, they don't 0:49:47.800 --> 0:49:52.320 start a big game by going, well, you really sucked 0:49:52.320 --> 0:49:54.080 in the last one, and so I'm not throwing the 0:49:54.080 --> 0:49:56.920 ball to you, and oh shit, like we're gonna lose 0:49:57.040 --> 0:49:59.680 and why are we even bothering and oh my god, 0:50:00.320 --> 0:50:02.480 you look like hell right now? Fuck this, That's not 0:50:02.520 --> 0:50:06.560 how they start. They literally start by setting an intention 0:50:06.600 --> 0:50:08.120 about how they're gonna show up, and then they steal 0:50:08.160 --> 0:50:10.080 it with a high five and they send themselves into 0:50:10.080 --> 0:50:12.680 the game. I want you to send yourself into the 0:50:12.680 --> 0:50:16.120 game of life every fucking day, just knowing that, just 0:50:16.280 --> 0:50:16.879 like that, I. 0:50:16.840 --> 0:50:17.640 Just have this vision of me. 0:50:17.760 --> 0:50:19.520 My daughter had our kids had a soccer game this 0:50:19.560 --> 0:50:21.279 weekend and in the car, I was like hyping my 0:50:21.360 --> 0:50:22.960 daughter up, and I was like, I was like, what 0:50:22.960 --> 0:50:23.480 are we gonna do? 0:50:23.560 --> 0:50:26.000 Try it? What are we gonna do? Win? What are 0:50:26.000 --> 0:50:26.640 we gonna do? Quit? 0:50:26.719 --> 0:50:28.880 And then I like fifth pumped her yeah, and she 0:50:28.960 --> 0:50:31.560 was so pumped. And then this this weekend I was 0:50:31.600 --> 0:50:33.960 reading your book and I was like, oh, I did 0:50:33.960 --> 0:50:36.200 that for her. I do that for her all the time. 0:50:36.520 --> 0:50:38.400 I have all sorts of fucking weird ass handshakes with 0:50:38.440 --> 0:50:38.719 my kid. 0:50:39.239 --> 0:50:43.080 When the fuck do I high five myself never. 0:50:43.400 --> 0:50:47.000 Never, ever, It's so fucking important. And she killed it. 0:50:47.080 --> 0:50:50.080 She did so great as an adult. And I say 0:50:50.080 --> 0:50:52.400 this all the time. My damn life is difficult. I 0:50:52.840 --> 0:50:55.120 say like a lot. I'm like, how the fuck did 0:50:55.120 --> 0:50:57.120 I become an adult? Every day I take my kid 0:50:57.160 --> 0:50:58.480 to school and I get her to there on time, 0:50:58.480 --> 0:51:02.160 I'm like, yes, I kill on this shit. She cans there. 0:51:02.200 --> 0:51:04.719 My seven fifty five bitch has done it. But like 0:51:05.320 --> 0:51:08.120 it's because but it's because it's it feels like if 0:51:08.280 --> 0:51:10.840 I feel strange, you guys, I still feel like I 0:51:10.880 --> 0:51:14.160 can't believe this is I'm an adult, I'm someone's keeper. 0:51:14.440 --> 0:51:16.320 I'm responsible for you and myself. 0:51:16.640 --> 0:51:16.840 You know. 0:51:17.000 --> 0:51:19.200 Sometimes I get scared. I'm like, are we gonna eat? Yes, 0:51:19.200 --> 0:51:21.120 they're gonna eat. Bitch, do we have somewhere to live? 0:51:21.160 --> 0:51:23.080 We have somewhere to live, check check, like you know, 0:51:23.280 --> 0:51:25.640 but like those are just the basic necessities of life. 0:51:25.680 --> 0:51:28.680 But like that shit is hard. People don't have support, 0:51:28.760 --> 0:51:33.320 like when you're when you're like the looming, like responsibilities 0:51:33.320 --> 0:51:37.720 of existing are so heavy. Sometimes we forget that every 0:51:37.800 --> 0:51:41.040 day is a win, every day is a gift. When 0:51:41.160 --> 0:51:43.360 we just said that this morning, like okay, like you 0:51:43.480 --> 0:51:45.680 have to wake up and it's crazy, and when you're 0:51:45.719 --> 0:51:47.200 saying when you're in the bed and you have to 0:51:47.320 --> 0:51:49.959 you had to five four three to you. That's something 0:51:49.960 --> 0:51:52.919 I use all the time because sometimes I just am 0:51:52.960 --> 0:51:54.799 sleepy and I don't know why I didn't do shit. 0:51:54.880 --> 0:51:57.799 I'm just tired and I can't. Probably it's depression and anxiety. 0:51:58.239 --> 0:52:01.120 But if I can't. Even since I was a kid, 0:52:01.200 --> 0:52:02.920 I've used like I haveing a countdown and bitch, you 0:52:02.920 --> 0:52:04.600 gotta get up. We got to do this stuff. You 0:52:04.680 --> 0:52:07.239 gotta do it or else you you can you'll die here. 0:52:08.920 --> 0:52:14.399 Well that's empowering, but like that five four three two one, 0:52:14.480 --> 0:52:16.560 make dinner boop. You got to go do it. But 0:52:16.680 --> 0:52:19.279 like waking up every morning, because it's crazy. If you 0:52:19.400 --> 0:52:22.439 observe yourself as a human being, some days you wake 0:52:22.520 --> 0:52:24.359 up great and ready to go, and some days you're 0:52:24.440 --> 0:52:27.040 just not great. You have an attitude. Shit doesn't feel good, 0:52:27.040 --> 0:52:29.000 and you have to remind yourself. I have to remind 0:52:29.040 --> 0:52:32.080 myself like, what are you panicking about? Internally? What are 0:52:32.120 --> 0:52:33.240 you not feeling good about? 0:52:33.280 --> 0:52:33.759 What is it? 0:52:34.040 --> 0:52:37.360 What if the fuck you're doing good? Everyone's okay, But 0:52:37.480 --> 0:52:41.720 it's just like you're we're so constantly in survival mode 0:52:41.800 --> 0:52:43.920 that we forget to hype ourselves up. We forget to 0:52:44.239 --> 0:52:46.760 be like, Okay, you're in a good, sweet space because 0:52:47.239 --> 0:52:51.240 for one at least, I know my purpose in this life, 0:52:51.320 --> 0:52:53.799 and like good moms, I feel like, okay, I know 0:52:54.400 --> 0:52:57.120 no matter what, this is my space. I'm supposed to 0:52:57.160 --> 0:52:59.840 be empowering. I'm supposed to change minds. But if I 0:52:59.840 --> 0:53:02.360 can just a little bit of change in someone's thought process, 0:53:02.560 --> 0:53:05.880 I've done my job. But like keeping that consistent energy 0:53:05.920 --> 0:53:09.560 every day is practice, Yeah, it really is. And like 0:53:09.680 --> 0:53:13.319 unlearning the trauma, acknowledging the childhood shit and then saying, 0:53:13.320 --> 0:53:16.279 oh damn, I'm fucking thirty three and I'm still suffering 0:53:16.360 --> 0:53:19.720 because I haven't done the work to just say it's okay, 0:53:20.200 --> 0:53:21.279 move forward from it. 0:53:21.840 --> 0:53:24.600 Yeah, you know what A couple things about that that 0:53:24.640 --> 0:53:28.320 I want to just unpack and really highlight for people. 0:53:28.600 --> 0:53:32.080 And it's this I feel as though part of the 0:53:32.120 --> 0:53:35.400 problem is none of us give ourselves any credit for 0:53:35.440 --> 0:53:39.560 what we're actually doing. Like, honestly, life is hard. You 0:53:39.600 --> 0:53:42.239 got out of bed high five, you made your bed 0:53:42.360 --> 0:53:44.520 high five, you walk the dog high five, You got 0:53:44.520 --> 0:53:46.600 those kids on the bossard to school high fucking five. 0:53:47.120 --> 0:53:51.200 Like you are not even recognizing all the things you're 0:53:51.239 --> 0:53:54.560 actually doing. And when you start to focus on all 0:53:54.600 --> 0:53:57.839 the things that you're actually doing, you start to feel 0:53:57.880 --> 0:53:59.640 a little bit of wind at your back. You start 0:53:59.640 --> 0:54:02.920 to build some small wins. You start to then feel 0:54:02.960 --> 0:54:05.680 more emboldened that if I can, I got out of bed, 0:54:05.719 --> 0:54:07.680 I got myself to work, I got these kids where 0:54:07.719 --> 0:54:10.120 they need to be, I remember to eat lunch. I 0:54:10.160 --> 0:54:12.440 got a couple of emails off. When you start to 0:54:12.560 --> 0:54:19.560 feel that now you are encouraging yourself to continue forward 0:54:19.680 --> 0:54:22.040 and to also start doing some of the bigger stuffies. 0:54:26.880 --> 0:54:31.239 Researchers looked at NBA teams and they could predict who 0:54:31.239 --> 0:54:33.719 were going to be the winning I came say winning 0:54:33.800 --> 0:54:37.320 ast teams at the end of a season based on 0:54:37.320 --> 0:54:40.360 one habit during the preseason, and it was the number 0:54:40.400 --> 0:54:42.719 of pats on the back and fist bumps and high 0:54:42.800 --> 0:54:45.200 fives that a team gives each other in the preseason 0:54:45.680 --> 0:54:47.879 that determines whether or not they're successful in the end. 0:54:48.200 --> 0:54:50.440 And the same is true about the teams that perform 0:54:50.560 --> 0:54:53.360 the worst. They have the least number of pats on 0:54:53.400 --> 0:54:57.000 the back and high fives and fist bumps. And why 0:54:57.040 --> 0:55:00.799 that matters is because these small gestures build partners, they 0:55:00.800 --> 0:55:05.279 build trust, they build momentum forward. And if you've ever 0:55:05.320 --> 0:55:07.640 had a halftime speech, or you've ever had a coach 0:55:07.800 --> 0:55:09.759 like just kind of rail into you and then high 0:55:09.800 --> 0:55:12.360 five you to shake your attitude back, you know exactly 0:55:12.440 --> 0:55:16.400 what I'm talking about. And so this is super important 0:55:16.400 --> 0:55:21.040 because I also think the average person does not feel 0:55:21.080 --> 0:55:24.480 like every day is a gift. The average person has 0:55:24.520 --> 0:55:29.880 an experience of feeling invisible, of feeling disrespected, of feeling stuck, 0:55:30.400 --> 0:55:33.359 of feeling lost, and I'm here to tell you part 0:55:33.400 --> 0:55:36.000 of the reason why it's hard to get out of 0:55:36.040 --> 0:55:39.120 that feeling is because you're waiting for some outside force 0:55:39.200 --> 0:55:43.279 to come along and validate you or say that you're 0:55:43.280 --> 0:55:45.680 worth it, some person you're going to date, or somebody's 0:55:45.719 --> 0:55:48.520 gonna like follow you or come up with like You've 0:55:48.520 --> 0:55:51.200 got to bring that shit back in house. You've got 0:55:51.239 --> 0:55:54.120 to learn how to validate yourself for where you are, 0:55:54.200 --> 0:55:56.520 even if it's not where you want to be, You're 0:55:56.560 --> 0:55:57.680 still fucking here. 0:55:58.760 --> 0:56:01.759 Because what happens we expect validation or put all of 0:56:01.800 --> 0:56:05.200 our you know, expecting validation from someone is what happens 0:56:05.239 --> 0:56:07.839 when they disrespect you. What happens when they don't tell 0:56:07.840 --> 0:56:11.280 you you're beautiful, you're great. Then you're believing you're putting 0:56:11.320 --> 0:56:13.040 all of your inside and. 0:56:13.120 --> 0:56:15.160 Your back where you started in the hands of somebody else. 0:56:15.200 --> 0:56:17.279 You're exactly back where you started. When you have the 0:56:17.320 --> 0:56:19.520 person in the room that knows you the best, knows 0:56:19.520 --> 0:56:21.879 you the most, just been through everything you've been through, 0:56:21.920 --> 0:56:24.120 because that person is you, and now's your look. She's 0:56:24.160 --> 0:56:27.080 looking at you and you're like, oh shit, you know 0:56:27.239 --> 0:56:27.880 all my shit. 0:56:28.920 --> 0:56:31.920 Oh you got me, you got me, of course you know. 0:56:32.080 --> 0:56:33.799 And then you add that high five, you add that 0:56:33.840 --> 0:56:37.040 action to it, and it just I feel like I understand, 0:56:37.120 --> 0:56:39.279 I get it, Like why it feels empowering, Why it 0:56:39.320 --> 0:56:42.440 gets you not only counting backwards out of bed, but 0:56:42.560 --> 0:56:44.440 walking out of the door to like do what you 0:56:44.480 --> 0:56:45.240 gotta fucking. 0:56:45.040 --> 0:56:47.200 Do because you're gonna face all kinds of shit all 0:56:47.280 --> 0:56:49.719 day long. And what's wonderful is if you start your 0:56:49.800 --> 0:56:53.080 day demonstrating that you like yourself. Even if somebody else 0:56:53.160 --> 0:56:55.440 doesn't like you or disrespects you, it does not change 0:56:55.440 --> 0:56:57.600 the fact that you like yourself and you respect yourself. 0:56:58.000 --> 0:57:00.000 They cannot take that away from you. 0:57:00.040 --> 0:57:03.480 I hug myself. I love that Sometimes I hug myself. 0:57:03.560 --> 0:57:08.080 I'm like something like because the contact, you know, like 0:57:08.239 --> 0:57:10.399 just for a moment, you know, we hug each other, 0:57:10.640 --> 0:57:12.840 and that feels good. We need to connect, but sometimes 0:57:12.920 --> 0:57:14.480 just like give me my Maybe that could be your 0:57:14.480 --> 0:57:17.200 next book, the five second hug. 0:57:17.520 --> 0:57:19.200 Well, I want to teach you this high five in 0:57:19.200 --> 0:57:22.160 your heart, especially since you said the thing about anxiety. 0:57:22.600 --> 0:57:24.160 That's I wasn't ask you next. I was like, please you. 0:57:24.360 --> 0:57:26.680 We can't forget about the high fiving heart because I 0:57:26.720 --> 0:57:29.600 need to know because I have, yeah, anxieties and something 0:57:29.600 --> 0:57:33.080 that I've struggled with I think on and off, but 0:57:33.120 --> 0:57:35.120 I didn't know what anxiety, didn't have a word for 0:57:35.160 --> 0:57:37.040 it for a long time. I think like the word 0:57:37.040 --> 0:57:40.040 anxiety has become I think it's always existed, right, but 0:57:40.080 --> 0:57:42.760 like it's it's finally people understand, like what the. 0:57:42.720 --> 0:57:44.160 Feeling is, what is it for you? 0:57:45.000 --> 0:57:46.520 Well, for me, like you said, your starts at the 0:57:46.520 --> 0:57:48.600 bottom of your your feet and go works its way up. 0:57:48.640 --> 0:57:51.360 For me, it always starts right in my throat, and 0:57:51.400 --> 0:57:53.480 I start to feel like I almost it feels like 0:57:53.960 --> 0:57:56.440 I noticed that I haven't been breathing, and a lot 0:57:56.440 --> 0:57:58.640 of it my anxiety starts to build because I'm holding 0:57:58.680 --> 0:58:01.200 my breath. I hold my breath all the time, and 0:58:01.640 --> 0:58:04.080 I have to breathing as a real practice for me, 0:58:04.320 --> 0:58:08.200 just normal breathing, Like Okay, I've just realized I just 0:58:08.720 --> 0:58:11.560 haven't really been breathing all day, And like I know 0:58:11.600 --> 0:58:13.400 people do this, like we have to do this to live, 0:58:13.840 --> 0:58:15.800 but like I'm pretty sure I'm an expert, Like I 0:58:15.800 --> 0:58:18.439 could hold my breath for absurdly long amounts of time. 0:58:19.040 --> 0:58:21.440 Do you remember when you first experienced it. 0:58:21.440 --> 0:58:22.680 It's childhood trauma for sure. 0:58:23.000 --> 0:58:26.080 My father, like you know me feeling like anxious about 0:58:26.240 --> 0:58:28.680 you know him, like me having to go to his 0:58:28.720 --> 0:58:29.720 house because I didn't. 0:58:29.480 --> 0:58:30.160 Really know him. 0:58:30.600 --> 0:58:33.600 And that was when it first started. When I'd go 0:58:33.640 --> 0:58:35.400 there and I'd be like, this is different. I don't 0:58:35.560 --> 0:58:37.800 know how to act here. This isn't my home and 0:58:37.840 --> 0:58:38.680 you're a stranger. 0:58:39.200 --> 0:58:40.000 And it would happen. 0:58:40.120 --> 0:58:42.800 He'd pick me up every like a few months, so 0:58:42.960 --> 0:58:44.800 I would notice like that's when it would happen. 0:58:44.720 --> 0:58:46.880 And then it would get nervous. 0:58:46.960 --> 0:58:50.080 And now obviously it's trickled into so many different areas 0:58:50.080 --> 0:58:50.720 of my life. 0:58:50.880 --> 0:58:54.480 Well, just any moment where you feel uncertain, uncertain, that's it. 0:58:54.920 --> 0:58:57.560 That's it. So I'm going to teach you something incredible. 0:58:57.720 --> 0:58:59.160 Do you do you experience anxiety too? 0:58:59.360 --> 0:59:01.640 I do? I do. I think I do hold my 0:59:01.640 --> 0:59:03.880 breath like I'll forget to breathe. I clench my jaw. 0:59:04.320 --> 0:59:07.120 I do that, my jaw gets my body gets really tight. 0:59:07.280 --> 0:59:10.520 I noticed that. I'm like, you know, I'm like, oh, 0:59:10.760 --> 0:59:12.680 what the fuck is going on? Why am I doing that? 0:59:12.680 --> 0:59:16.440 But I'll just even be typing like clench the fuck up. 0:59:16.520 --> 0:59:17.760 My body is so tense. 0:59:18.000 --> 0:59:20.880 And do you remember like when you first started experiencing that. 0:59:21.320 --> 0:59:24.920 Mmm, probably I remember like high school that I can't remember, 0:59:25.120 --> 0:59:27.439 just like tightening it, like my body getting really tense, 0:59:27.680 --> 0:59:31.640 just like drama with my parents, things that were uncomfortable 0:59:31.640 --> 0:59:32.880 for me that I don't want to talk about that 0:59:32.920 --> 0:59:33.760 I felt triggered by. 0:59:34.000 --> 0:59:37.080 Just yeah, got it? Well, I asked that because it's 0:59:37.120 --> 0:59:40.400 important to kind of understand triggers to get control of it. 0:59:40.440 --> 0:59:42.560 I'm going to teach you a science back technique that 0:59:42.600 --> 0:59:47.000 I call high fiving your heart. It's a lifesaver and 0:59:47.320 --> 0:59:49.840 it also helps with trauma. So the way that I 0:59:49.880 --> 0:59:52.880 think about anxiety is anxiety as alarm system in your body, 0:59:53.360 --> 0:59:56.760 and it has a really important purpose. So let's say 0:59:56.760 --> 0:59:59.280 that we're driving down the car or driving down the car. 0:59:59.320 --> 1:00:02.000 See the joints are kicking in. We're driving down the 1:00:02.680 --> 1:00:06.360 highway and we're just talking up a storm. We're playing 1:00:06.400 --> 1:00:12.920 eminem it's fucking awesome. So we are literally driving down 1:00:12.960 --> 1:00:14.959 the highway. It's an incredible time, and all of a sudden, 1:00:15.000 --> 1:00:17.440 out of nowhere, this freaking semi truck like fucking pulls 1:00:17.440 --> 1:00:20.520 into our lane. What you feel in that moment as 1:00:20.520 --> 1:00:23.120 you swerve out of the way and your armpits sweat, 1:00:23.120 --> 1:00:25.600 and your throat tents and your body's shoulders go up 1:00:25.640 --> 1:00:28.720 and your ankles have the hot flash go. That's anxiety. 1:00:29.280 --> 1:00:32.000 It's an alarm system that's saying, wake the fuck up, bitch, 1:00:32.160 --> 1:00:34.520 Like that's what it's saying. Like that's what it is. 1:00:34.800 --> 1:00:38.320 But what happens in your body when the semi truck 1:00:38.360 --> 1:00:39.720 pulls away and you realize you're safe. 1:00:39.720 --> 1:00:41.960 What happens releases. 1:00:42.160 --> 1:00:46.720 Correct because anxiety in that moment makes sense intellectually. What 1:00:46.920 --> 1:00:50.240 becomes a problem in life is when you feel that 1:00:50.400 --> 1:00:54.040 alarm response in your body and you're just making a 1:00:54.080 --> 1:00:57.600 cup of coffee in your kitchen. And there's also a 1:00:57.680 --> 1:01:01.720 connection between worrying, which sounds an alarm in your mind, 1:01:01.800 --> 1:01:04.520 because if you allow your mind to dwell too long 1:01:04.600 --> 1:01:05.880 in the what if this and what if that? And 1:01:05.880 --> 1:01:09.320 what if the other fucking thing and what, your body 1:01:09.360 --> 1:01:12.360 starts to notice that your mind is alarmed. So the 1:01:12.400 --> 1:01:15.760 body then starts to signal the alarm to And so 1:01:15.800 --> 1:01:18.320 you got to really watch your thoughts. And we can 1:01:18.360 --> 1:01:20.720 talk about this for the next time I come back 1:01:20.720 --> 1:01:23.080 I'll come and train you in like the hand to 1:01:23.120 --> 1:01:26.080 fist combat with your own mind. But for now, what 1:01:26.160 --> 1:01:29.160 I want to teach you is how to master your 1:01:29.160 --> 1:01:32.080 nervous system. Because this fucking shit is cool. Okay. So 1:01:32.160 --> 1:01:34.040 here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna take your hands 1:01:34.040 --> 1:01:35.800 and you're gonna put them on your heart. That's called height. 1:01:35.800 --> 1:01:37.040 Like right, I put them right in the center. I 1:01:37.040 --> 1:01:38.760 don't put it on like my boob or anything. I like, 1:01:38.760 --> 1:01:40.200 put it right on the center and press in the 1:01:40.240 --> 1:01:41.840 center and in the center of your chest. What you're 1:01:41.840 --> 1:01:44.480 gonna feel is you're gonna feel the vaguus nerve. This 1:01:44.520 --> 1:01:47.320 is a fucking treasure in your body. Okay. This is 1:01:47.440 --> 1:01:49.840 like a range rover in your system, and you just 1:01:49.880 --> 1:01:53.280 want the lottery. It goes from your ass, through every 1:01:53.360 --> 1:01:56.080 major organ, through your vocal cords, and up to the 1:01:56.080 --> 1:01:58.400 top of your head. This is your on off switch 1:01:58.880 --> 1:02:02.360 between fight or flight and being calm and cool. I 1:02:02.360 --> 1:02:05.240 already feel better, right, So when you put your hands here, 1:02:05.280 --> 1:02:11.240 we're going to take a deep breath. Now. I want 1:02:11.240 --> 1:02:15.080 you to repeat these three sentences after me. I'm okay, 1:02:16.000 --> 1:02:19.440 I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe. 1:02:20.000 --> 1:02:21.840 I'm loved, I'm loved. 1:02:22.480 --> 1:02:24.400 What do you feel peace? 1:02:24.800 --> 1:02:26.000 I feel a little at peace. 1:02:26.760 --> 1:02:29.600 I feel a lot more at peace because even talking 1:02:29.640 --> 1:02:32.160 about my anxiety gives me anxiety. So I started to 1:02:32.160 --> 1:02:34.400 feel anxious when I was talking to you about it. 1:02:35.080 --> 1:02:37.880 And at that, literally the moment I put both my 1:02:37.960 --> 1:02:39.640 hands here, I felt. 1:02:39.240 --> 1:02:42.200 Like, Okay, I feel like this is something's happening. 1:02:42.240 --> 1:02:45.040 And actually, our friend Bruna, she had told me something 1:02:45.080 --> 1:02:47.400 like I had mentioned that whenever she starts to feel anxious, 1:02:47.440 --> 1:02:49.040 she has to do this, but she didn't have these 1:02:49.480 --> 1:02:53.960 things to say. But it feels wow. Really, guys, if 1:02:53.960 --> 1:02:55.560 you're listening, do this shit right now? 1:02:55.640 --> 1:02:57.919 Yeah, you want to press here because here's the thing. 1:02:58.480 --> 1:03:01.320 And there are mornings when you know shit was going down, 1:03:01.400 --> 1:03:04.360 and I was just I would wake up and say 1:03:04.400 --> 1:03:08.720 this fifty three times. And it's a way to flip 1:03:08.880 --> 1:03:11.640 the switch between what's called your sympathetic which is your 1:03:11.640 --> 1:03:14.440 fight or flight nervous system, and your parasympathetic, which is 1:03:14.440 --> 1:03:18.440 your grounded I call it your cool, calm nervous system. 1:03:18.480 --> 1:03:20.520 This is your resting nervous system. This is where your 1:03:20.560 --> 1:03:23.760 power is when you're in your body, when you're grounded 1:03:24.200 --> 1:03:26.880 and so if you like, you can do it anytime 1:03:26.880 --> 1:03:29.120 a day. Teach it to your kids. It's free, it 1:03:29.240 --> 1:03:33.120 uses science. Repeat that I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. 1:03:33.160 --> 1:03:35.720 The I'm safe might make you cry a little bit, 1:03:36.280 --> 1:03:38.360 because part of the trigger for so many of us 1:03:38.400 --> 1:03:41.160 that have childhood trauma is this sort of hard wiring 1:03:41.240 --> 1:03:43.520 in your nervous system that you're not safe when things 1:03:43.520 --> 1:03:46.920 are uncertain, because many of us weren't, and so your 1:03:46.960 --> 1:03:50.320 body remembers this. And so when you have this free tool, 1:03:50.840 --> 1:03:53.080 and I recommend five four three two one, get up, 1:03:53.320 --> 1:03:55.200 get out of that bed, because nothing good is going 1:03:55.240 --> 1:03:58.960 to happen with you laying there feeling anxious, thinking, overthinking, worrying, 1:03:59.080 --> 1:04:01.640 staring at the ceiling your phone. Once you're up, you 1:04:01.640 --> 1:04:03.000 can sit on the edge of the bed, or you 1:04:03.000 --> 1:04:05.640 can stand up, high five your heart until you feel 1:04:05.680 --> 1:04:08.520 yourself coming back into your body. Then you're going to 1:04:08.600 --> 1:04:11.120 walk into the bathroom, and as you're brush, I want 1:04:11.160 --> 1:04:12.800 you to right after you brush your teeth, because I 1:04:12.840 --> 1:04:14.840 want you to use science to remember to do this. 1:04:15.360 --> 1:04:17.439 We're going to stack the habit of brushing your teeth 1:04:17.480 --> 1:04:19.840 because hopefully you're fucking brushing your mouth and getting that 1:04:19.960 --> 1:04:22.280 nasty ass breath out, so you're not like spreading that 1:04:22.320 --> 1:04:26.200 shit everywhere. Now, let's hie five you to get that 1:04:26.320 --> 1:04:28.720 nasty ass shit out of your mind, body and spirit. 1:04:29.680 --> 1:04:32.320 Like this could be generational shit that's going to end 1:04:32.320 --> 1:04:34.200 with you. I was talking with I don't know if 1:04:34.200 --> 1:04:38.640 you guys know Jason Wilson, Mister Jason Wilson. He's incredible. 1:04:38.640 --> 1:04:41.240 He's in Detroit. I'm a Michigan gal, so anybody from 1:04:41.280 --> 1:04:44.880 Michigan is a family to me. He runs a martial 1:04:45.000 --> 1:04:49.120 arts what do they called a dojo in Detroit, and 1:04:49.200 --> 1:04:52.480 his whole mission is about emotional fitness for boys and men. 1:04:53.400 --> 1:04:56.720 And he and I are great friends. And we were 1:04:56.760 --> 1:04:59.760 talking the other day. His books are Cry like a 1:04:59.800 --> 1:05:04.600 Man and Battle Cry, and he literally said, and he's 1:05:04.600 --> 1:05:06.840 a real soft spoken guy, and he's got a big 1:05:06.840 --> 1:05:11.840 white beard, beautiful bald heads. It now now you know me. 1:05:12.000 --> 1:05:16.200 I'm here, I'm helping all these boys the emotionally fit. 1:05:16.280 --> 1:05:20.640 Now I want to raise my hand to my mirror 1:05:20.680 --> 1:05:25.080 and my dojo, you know, ma'am. I realized it was 1:05:25.120 --> 1:05:29.240 so hard because my father never did that for me. 1:05:29.360 --> 1:05:32.640 My father wasn't in my life. And he started to 1:05:32.680 --> 1:05:36.720 talk about how it really struck him deep. Even as 1:05:36.760 --> 1:05:41.040 self aware, as spiritual, as impactful as his work is, 1:05:41.840 --> 1:05:44.760 it hadn't occurred to him that he's always focused on 1:05:44.800 --> 1:05:48.960 what's next, He's never stopping to see himself, to celebrate 1:05:49.040 --> 1:05:52.040 himself every step of the way, because nobody did it 1:05:52.040 --> 1:05:55.400 for him, And so you know, I want you to 1:05:55.480 --> 1:05:58.080 do that for yourself. Look at the human being in 1:05:58.120 --> 1:06:01.680 the mirror. Create a trust in partnership with yourself. You're 1:06:01.720 --> 1:06:03.800 gonna that's the one person you're going to go through 1:06:03.840 --> 1:06:04.160 life with. 1:06:04.560 --> 1:06:05.480 That's your bestie. 1:06:05.640 --> 1:06:07.160 Oh my god, I gonna make me cry over here. 1:06:07.200 --> 1:06:10.160 I'm like, I wasn't told enough as a child either. 1:06:10.600 --> 1:06:12.880 None of us were, because none of our parents were right. 1:06:13.160 --> 1:06:16.760 They were only doing you know, I'm not justifying anything 1:06:16.840 --> 1:06:19.920 that they did when I seek to understand what happened 1:06:19.960 --> 1:06:24.400 and kind of understanding that most of our parents didn't 1:06:24.400 --> 1:06:27.760 get any of their emotional needs met either. That's why 1:06:27.880 --> 1:06:30.800 they didn't know how to meet ours. That doesn't that 1:06:30.840 --> 1:06:35.160 does not excuse the fact that they didn't give you 1:06:35.240 --> 1:06:38.520 what you needed as a kid, but it certainly helps me. 1:06:38.680 --> 1:06:43.200 It helps explain it so that I can change how 1:06:43.200 --> 1:06:45.960 I treat myself how I can take ownership of the 1:06:46.000 --> 1:06:48.760 next fifty years of my life. I can break free 1:06:48.920 --> 1:06:51.920 of the habits and the patterns that are not even mine. 1:06:52.680 --> 1:06:56.280 They're generational patterns. And it's going to fucking stop with me. 1:06:56.880 --> 1:06:58.520 And you and your children. 1:06:58.680 --> 1:07:00.640 I mean, how do your children take and you know, 1:07:00.800 --> 1:07:02.919 all of your tools. I mean, because you know, kids 1:07:02.920 --> 1:07:05.439 were like so resistant of our parents. I know, even 1:07:05.480 --> 1:07:08.560 my mom, Like my mom created this an amazing tool, right, 1:07:08.640 --> 1:07:10.320 and she wanted me to use it, and I was like, 1:07:10.760 --> 1:07:11.960 I'm good with my hands, Mom. 1:07:11.800 --> 1:07:12.240 I'm cool. 1:07:13.880 --> 1:07:16.240 Fast forward twenty years later. You know, no one's using 1:07:16.280 --> 1:07:17.640 their hands except mel Robbins when she. 1:07:17.640 --> 1:07:20.960 Forgets her I forgot to pack, and I'm sorry, but 1:07:21.200 --> 1:07:23.400 I'm curious to know, like how your kids, you know, 1:07:23.480 --> 1:07:28.920 react to this amazing you know, education, vice, lifestyle, just 1:07:30.040 --> 1:07:30.360 you know. 1:07:30.400 --> 1:07:34.720 A gigantic eye roll at sometimes, but then they use 1:07:34.760 --> 1:07:37.600 it when they need it. I know they're listening because 1:07:37.640 --> 1:07:40.200 they call me and they call their dad when the 1:07:40.240 --> 1:07:43.960 shit is hitting the fan, and they are in this book. 1:07:44.080 --> 1:07:47.040 So there's in chapter four. As I was writing this book, 1:07:47.080 --> 1:07:49.280 I got a text from one of my daughters that said, 1:07:49.880 --> 1:07:52.040 why do I always feel like the ugliest girl at 1:07:52.040 --> 1:07:56.880 the bar. Now something that breaks everybody's heart. But it 1:07:56.960 --> 1:08:00.800 is the perfect example of the fat act that it 1:08:00.880 --> 1:08:03.760 doesn't matter what I say to her. I could tell 1:08:03.800 --> 1:08:06.240 her you're what do you mean you're not? Look at 1:08:06.240 --> 1:08:10.400 that ho over there, she's fucking hideous just the second of. 1:08:10.440 --> 1:08:15.120 Take a picture of the. 1:08:14.680 --> 1:08:17.240 Yeah, seriously, like I you could say all that, it 1:08:17.240 --> 1:08:20.040 wouldn't mean anything. I could. I could pump her up 1:08:20.200 --> 1:08:23.080 like I have. You're loyal, you're amazing, you're smart, you're 1:08:23.080 --> 1:08:25.320 hard working, you're beautiful, you're this, you're that, you're the 1:08:25.320 --> 1:08:29.479 other thing. Can't even hear it because she doesn't believe it. 1:08:30.000 --> 1:08:32.360 That's why the high five habit is so important because 1:08:32.360 --> 1:08:36.360 it starts with you. Your relationship with yourself is everything. 1:08:36.760 --> 1:08:39.040 You can think you're the ugliest person at the bar 1:08:39.240 --> 1:08:42.040 and then high five yourself, and that beat down silences 1:08:42.520 --> 1:08:45.880 because you still see a human being that you're going 1:08:45.920 --> 1:08:48.559 to encourage and support. And when you come from that 1:08:48.680 --> 1:08:52.040 place and you start an act of the defiant, it's 1:08:52.080 --> 1:08:54.840 like an act of defiant. So, yeah, fuck off, watch me. 1:08:55.640 --> 1:08:57.439 I'm not going to listen to this shit anymore from 1:08:57.439 --> 1:09:00.160 my own head. Like so you have to do the 1:09:00.200 --> 1:09:04.280 work yourself, because nobody can change your self doubt and 1:09:04.320 --> 1:09:08.360 your negative mindset and your self rejection. But you no 1:09:08.360 --> 1:09:09.360 one else can do this for. 1:09:09.320 --> 1:09:09.840 You, right. 1:09:09.920 --> 1:09:12.640 I think it's difficult to deal with self doubt and 1:09:12.680 --> 1:09:16.080 self rejection without giving yourself the grace. You know, we 1:09:16.160 --> 1:09:18.800 forget that, Like we can criticize ourselves all day and 1:09:18.880 --> 1:09:21.920 night when nobody's fucking perfect, But if you don't love 1:09:21.960 --> 1:09:25.000 on yourself equally as much, that shit's never going to 1:09:25.040 --> 1:09:27.320 come through. Just like if I'm talking to you all 1:09:27.400 --> 1:09:29.720 day like, you're not shit, You're not this book it's 1:09:29.760 --> 1:09:32.400 all right, I read it. It's okay, it's a five 1:09:32.560 --> 1:09:35.280 out of ten, you know. Like, but if I tell you, oh, 1:09:35.280 --> 1:09:37.439 it's good, you know, like if I'm always telling you 1:09:37.479 --> 1:09:38.880 talking shit to you, and then I tell you something 1:09:39.000 --> 1:09:40.040 you're not, you may not believe that. 1:09:40.080 --> 1:09:43.840 Well, it's interesting you say that because my daughters busted 1:09:43.880 --> 1:09:46.720 me as I was writing this book. They allowed me 1:09:46.840 --> 1:09:49.360 to share a bunch of like personal stories of stuff 1:09:49.400 --> 1:09:52.479 they were struggling with and something from our son. Not 1:09:52.600 --> 1:09:54.760 great parenting moments. By the way, these are not the 1:09:54.760 --> 1:09:56.519 things that are that I'm proud to write about. But 1:09:57.040 --> 1:09:59.880 it's interesting because my daughter, Candle, the one that's I 1:10:00.080 --> 1:10:03.880 here in California studying, said well, you know why we 1:10:03.920 --> 1:10:07.280 trash ourselves? And I'm like no, She's like, well, because 1:10:07.280 --> 1:10:09.040 you fucking trash yourself all the time. I'm like, what 1:10:09.040 --> 1:10:11.880 are you talking about. She's like, every time we take 1:10:11.920 --> 1:10:14.640 a picture you and we show it to you, You're like, 1:10:14.680 --> 1:10:17.679 do I really look like that? And Mom, we think 1:10:17.720 --> 1:10:22.000 you're beautiful, So if you don't believe it, why would 1:10:22.000 --> 1:10:24.880 we think we're beautiful? If we think you are and 1:10:24.920 --> 1:10:27.320 you don't believe it, And I'm like, fuck, there's three 1:10:27.320 --> 1:10:28.520 more years of therapy. 1:10:28.760 --> 1:10:31.200 Right, fuck, must write another books. 1:10:31.360 --> 1:10:34.439 Shit, well that is my brand of self help. Either 1:10:34.560 --> 1:10:36.680 fall in a hole or dig one myself and then 1:10:36.720 --> 1:10:37.439 I need a ladder. 1:10:37.479 --> 1:10:40.160 Oh my god, that's literally what all this businesses, everything 1:10:40.160 --> 1:10:41.960 that we do. We're like, Okay, what do we need 1:10:42.000 --> 1:10:44.040 to work on. Let's make it a challenge. What do 1:10:44.040 --> 1:10:45.679 we need to work Let's go on, we need healing, 1:10:45.760 --> 1:10:46.519 let's plan a retreat. 1:10:46.640 --> 1:10:49.280 Don't have sex you don't want we should stop having sex. 1:10:49.320 --> 1:10:51.680 Tell everyone's going to stop having sex with us? Like 1:10:53.000 --> 1:10:54.559 I feel that, I really feel that. 1:10:54.800 --> 1:10:57.280 What did you two get from this conversation a lot, 1:10:57.880 --> 1:10:59.599 like what's the most important thing you think you at? 1:11:00.120 --> 1:11:02.720 I do need to be better at looking at the 1:11:02.720 --> 1:11:06.600 person in the mirror, being kinder to that person, acknowledging 1:11:06.640 --> 1:11:09.280 why maybe I'm not kind, or acknowledging the things that 1:11:09.640 --> 1:11:13.080 are good. I'm getting emotional. I'm such a cancer. 1:11:14.920 --> 1:11:16.120 What are you getting emotional about? 1:11:16.360 --> 1:11:18.880 I don't know. I think that I do need to 1:11:18.920 --> 1:11:23.320 work on being nicer to myself. It's like, internally, why 1:11:23.360 --> 1:11:26.240 does that scare you? I don't know. I don't even 1:11:26.280 --> 1:11:27.280 know why I'm crying. 1:11:27.760 --> 1:11:31.960 I'll tell you why, because this shit hits deep. Like 1:11:32.000 --> 1:11:34.160 the interesting thing about this book is that it's the 1:11:34.200 --> 1:11:35.519 stupidest thing on its face. 1:11:36.920 --> 1:11:38.719 I know, I will be honest. I opened the book, 1:11:38.760 --> 1:11:41.160 I was like, high five have it? High five yourself? 1:11:41.200 --> 1:11:42.840 What total? 1:11:42.880 --> 1:11:47.200 Everybody has that reaction because it's so pervasive to beat 1:11:47.240 --> 1:11:50.160 the shit out of yourself, and for a lot of us, 1:11:50.200 --> 1:11:54.000 being tough is a survival mechanism because we think if 1:11:54.000 --> 1:11:59.519 we get vulnerable or cry or you know, feel the pain, 1:12:00.400 --> 1:12:03.800 that that's gonna be even worse. Like I think it's 1:12:03.880 --> 1:12:06.519 hard to actually think about how much I fucked up 1:12:06.520 --> 1:12:09.679 in my life. That's why it was hard to forgive myself. 1:12:09.720 --> 1:12:13.280 I wouldn't actually go there because it was too painful 1:12:13.320 --> 1:12:17.479 to think about for just how long I hated myself 1:12:17.520 --> 1:12:19.600 and I was in survival mode because I didn't know 1:12:19.680 --> 1:12:23.040 any better. I didn't know how my childhood trauma was 1:12:23.080 --> 1:12:27.040 impacting me. And it's painful when you slow down and 1:12:27.080 --> 1:12:29.479 you see the person in the mirror that's hurting, that 1:12:29.600 --> 1:12:32.680 needs you. It's true, but it's also beautiful. 1:12:33.439 --> 1:12:33.800 Thank you. 1:12:34.560 --> 1:12:37.800 I was thinking this week, I've been needing my dad 1:12:37.840 --> 1:12:39.360 a lot this week because he's been helping me with 1:12:39.400 --> 1:12:42.920 my daughter. But all he does is talk shit. You guys, 1:12:42.960 --> 1:12:45.280 he is the number one shit talking dad of the 1:12:45.320 --> 1:12:47.960 fucking universe. I'm like, can you shut the fuck up? 1:12:48.160 --> 1:12:49.720 Literally told him that's how we talk to each other. 1:12:49.760 --> 1:12:53.000 It's not healthy. He lily, He like had a key 1:12:53.040 --> 1:12:54.760 to my house because he did something. He came in 1:12:54.800 --> 1:12:56.960 at one o'clock in the morning. Me and my daughter 1:12:57.000 --> 1:13:00.000 are asleep. He's like, where's my backpack? First one, I'll 1:13:00.000 --> 1:13:03.920 alarmed as fuck, I'm deserving a truder. He's like, it's 1:13:03.920 --> 1:13:06.400 to me. I'm I guess up here. He's literally talking 1:13:06.439 --> 1:13:08.559 shit to me as he's getting it. You parked in 1:13:08.640 --> 1:13:11.400 a straight where are the keys? You? What the fuck 1:13:11.400 --> 1:13:13.519 would you park like that? I was just like, I 1:13:13.680 --> 1:13:17.639 gonna even respond, but I had dawned on me this week. 1:13:17.680 --> 1:13:20.479 I'm like, I'm so used to being talked to this way. 1:13:20.720 --> 1:13:23.840 I'm so used to being criticized. 1:13:24.240 --> 1:13:24.640 So is he. 1:13:25.200 --> 1:13:26.680 And it's true. That's how we talk to each other. 1:13:26.680 --> 1:13:29.160 That's how my family talks to each other. And it's 1:13:29.200 --> 1:13:31.879 not healthy, but it's normal. 1:13:32.000 --> 1:13:32.920 And it's almost like. 1:13:32.880 --> 1:13:36.040 If we get sensitive, it's weird, like don't you know 1:13:36.080 --> 1:13:40.040 what I mean? And it's it's probably my inner voice 1:13:40.200 --> 1:13:45.520 is that criticism, And that's a crazy, weird realization. 1:13:45.760 --> 1:13:49.280 Yeah, your dad is your inner voice. Like that voice, 1:13:49.720 --> 1:13:51.120 the way that he talks is the way you talk 1:13:51.160 --> 1:13:53.639 to yourself, and so it's not even yours. And here's 1:13:53.680 --> 1:13:57.360 the enormous opportunity. You're strong enough to withstand the eye 1:13:57.400 --> 1:13:59.960 rolls and the oh for God's sakes from your Fani 1:14:00.000 --> 1:14:02.759 family to be the one that actually shifts the way 1:14:03.080 --> 1:14:05.519 that everybody shows up for each other. It would be 1:14:05.600 --> 1:14:10.160 transformational for you to go, hey, I am tired of 1:14:10.160 --> 1:14:12.479 this life is hard enough. I actually need some love 1:14:12.479 --> 1:14:15.639 from you, dad, and I love you, I need you, 1:14:15.920 --> 1:14:19.120 but I can't have you come over if you're gonna 1:14:19.120 --> 1:14:21.080 ship talk me. I need something else from you. 1:14:21.479 --> 1:14:23.960 It's so crazy to watch your parents your dynamic with him, 1:14:23.960 --> 1:14:25.320 because they love each other so much. 1:14:25.320 --> 1:14:25.880 I'm sure they do. 1:14:26.360 --> 1:14:28.479 He shows up for her like he like, you know, 1:14:28.560 --> 1:14:29.920 I mean, I know that you guys have your ship, 1:14:30.000 --> 1:14:32.280 but like he's a great grandfather, Like he shows up, 1:14:32.320 --> 1:14:34.280 but he does he talks shit the whole fucking time. 1:14:34.920 --> 1:14:37.439 But he's like he's like, has this happy demeanor as 1:14:37.439 --> 1:14:39.920 he does it, so it's like it's weird. And then 1:14:39.960 --> 1:14:42.360 they're talking shit. I'm listening to the talk shit the 1:14:42.400 --> 1:14:44.920 other day yesterday I was like, you guys, I was like, 1:14:45.000 --> 1:14:49.720 you guys only get one daughter and one and one's grandfather. 1:14:49.800 --> 1:14:51.439 I'm like, you guys need to stop talking shit to 1:14:51.479 --> 1:14:54.280 each other. Yeah, you guys are talking shit. He's literally 1:14:54.840 --> 1:14:56.360 to be like help doing everything. 1:14:56.520 --> 1:14:58.400 He's can you give us an example? What does he say? 1:14:58.560 --> 1:15:00.439 He was just like, oh god, God, I wish my 1:15:00.520 --> 1:15:02.160 daughter would just get her shit together, like she's just 1:15:02.360 --> 1:15:05.920 you know, everything's everywhere, and like what was he saying? 1:15:05.960 --> 1:15:08.200 He was just saying, like, yeah, he did say he 1:15:08.240 --> 1:15:10.360 even acknowledged that. He's like, and the way you parked 1:15:10.360 --> 1:15:12.320 in front of the house, it was fucking crazy. And 1:15:12.400 --> 1:15:13.880 she was like, well, Dad, you're at the fucking house 1:15:13.880 --> 1:15:16.080 at one in the morning, and Luna's there too, and 1:15:16.120 --> 1:15:18.479 they're both lunas to his her daughter, so she's hearing 1:15:18.520 --> 1:15:21.439 them talk the shit and it's so normal for them. 1:15:21.640 --> 1:15:23.040 It's not normal for me because that's not how me 1:15:23.080 --> 1:15:24.960 and my family communicate whatever. We have our own fucked 1:15:25.000 --> 1:15:28.519 up communication. But that's a whole other episode. But it's 1:15:28.520 --> 1:15:33.479 more passive aggressive, so it's like secret nice. They're just 1:15:33.520 --> 1:15:35.840 like straight, straight to the point. And I was like, 1:15:36.040 --> 1:15:38.000 this is hilarious. It was funny, but it's not funny. 1:15:38.040 --> 1:15:39.479 But it was funny because I was like, they love 1:15:39.520 --> 1:15:42.320 each other so much, they're literally doing things for one 1:15:42.320 --> 1:15:45.599 another as they're talking shit to each other. 1:15:45.720 --> 1:15:47.760 Well, it's sort of like if you're raised in a 1:15:47.760 --> 1:15:50.719 household that speaks English, you learn English. 1:15:51.320 --> 1:15:51.679 True. 1:15:51.800 --> 1:15:56.120 It's where whatever the vibe, the language, the content, the tone, 1:15:56.479 --> 1:15:59.360 whether it's passive aggressive, whether it's a silent treatment, whether 1:15:59.400 --> 1:16:02.160 it's shit talk. And maybe another way that you could 1:16:02.200 --> 1:16:05.680 do this instead of like drawing a boundary is make 1:16:05.720 --> 1:16:07.479 a commitment to yourself and the game that you're going 1:16:07.560 --> 1:16:09.559 to play when you send yourself into the game of 1:16:09.600 --> 1:16:11.680 life with the high five is today, No matter what 1:16:11.760 --> 1:16:13.680 my father says, I'm not ship talking to him. 1:16:13.920 --> 1:16:18.400 Oh, do drive maybe say thank you Dad? 1:16:18.520 --> 1:16:18.840 Thank you. 1:16:18.880 --> 1:16:20.720 I know you're just worried about me. I love you too, 1:16:21.280 --> 1:16:21.880 and watch the. 1:16:21.840 --> 1:16:23.680 Time, which is also super hard for me to be 1:16:24.479 --> 1:16:28.400 to do that, to be nice to him. Well, sometimes 1:16:28.680 --> 1:16:31.120 it's hard for me to give words affirmation because that's 1:16:31.120 --> 1:16:32.840 not what I'm used to hearing, Like I can think 1:16:32.880 --> 1:16:35.400 about nice things and I'm kind. You know I'm kind. 1:16:35.479 --> 1:16:36.320 I'll do things for you. 1:16:36.520 --> 1:16:38.920 Well, do you know that you have the right to 1:16:39.000 --> 1:16:41.760 sit your father down and say I do not want 1:16:41.800 --> 1:16:46.040 my daughter to talk like this, and starting today, I 1:16:46.120 --> 1:16:49.320 need your help changing the way we treat each other. Dad, 1:16:49.880 --> 1:16:52.479 I love you. I do not want to go to 1:16:52.520 --> 1:16:55.400 the grave talking to each other like this. You show 1:16:55.479 --> 1:17:00.360 up physically, but emotionally verbally it's brutal. Can we work 1:17:00.400 --> 1:17:02.160 on this together for her? 1:17:02.840 --> 1:17:10.400 I'm so glad this is recorded. This is for me 1:17:10.560 --> 1:17:11.519 to you from health. 1:17:12.840 --> 1:17:15.519 Because trust me, he probably doesn't hear it. He doesn't 1:17:15.520 --> 1:17:19.040 know how much it hurts you. I don't know all back, right. 1:17:19.240 --> 1:17:21.599 It's how they communicate. I think that. I think that's 1:17:21.600 --> 1:17:23.519 so simply put. But I feel like that's all that 1:17:23.600 --> 1:17:25.360 really would. I feel like your dad would be receptive 1:17:25.400 --> 1:17:27.840 to that. I think he would. He's going to talk 1:17:27.880 --> 1:17:29.639 shit a little bit because it's just in his nature 1:17:29.680 --> 1:17:31.800 to talk shit, and it takes a second to do 1:17:31.840 --> 1:17:34.720 the unlearning. And maybe he needs to high five himself too. 1:17:35.040 --> 1:17:35.200 Well. 1:17:35.280 --> 1:17:38.840 That comes from like hardness and pain. I can't only 1:17:38.880 --> 1:17:41.160 imagine how he was talked to in his life that 1:17:41.240 --> 1:17:44.280 he does it so casually with you. And you've only 1:17:44.280 --> 1:17:47.800 ever known this, which is why you're accepting it. But 1:17:47.880 --> 1:17:50.680 you're no longer a child in his house. You're a 1:17:50.760 --> 1:17:52.679 grown ass woman in her own house. 1:17:52.920 --> 1:17:53.040 Right. 1:17:53.400 --> 1:17:57.280 You're building a fucking empire. And you get to say 1:17:57.360 --> 1:18:00.200 how somebody talks to you. Now you get to say 1:18:00.760 --> 1:18:03.040 what relationship you would like to build with your dad. 1:18:03.120 --> 1:18:07.040 Now you get to say where this habit is just 1:18:07.080 --> 1:18:11.000 a pattern ends in terms of your family, and you 1:18:11.040 --> 1:18:15.000 get to say what is acceptable around your daughter. That's powerful, 1:18:16.600 --> 1:18:20.400 not easy, not easy at all, not easy at all, 1:18:21.120 --> 1:18:23.640 but you can do it and high fiving yourself and 1:18:23.680 --> 1:18:27.719 affirming that you're worth. It is literally going to help 1:18:27.760 --> 1:18:28.200 you do it. 1:18:30.560 --> 1:18:33.800 I believe that, and I would say the things that 1:18:34.080 --> 1:18:36.400 something that I've learned today two is that I just 1:18:36.439 --> 1:18:40.960 feel like being able to master my neurosystem I think 1:18:41.160 --> 1:18:44.200 is something that I'm excited to try and do because 1:18:44.560 --> 1:18:46.520 it is out of fucking control. 1:18:46.960 --> 1:18:49.400 Oh, when you need to not only for your mental health. 1:18:49.160 --> 1:18:50.240 It is out of control. 1:18:50.360 --> 1:18:53.200 Would you call it neuonamics idea? 1:18:53.360 --> 1:18:57.080 Oh, neuerobic syno is that thing. It's the nervous system thing. 1:18:57.200 --> 1:18:59.840 And the nervous system responds with a high five job 1:19:00.080 --> 1:19:02.400 heart you're talking about, yeah, yeah, And then your mind 1:19:02.439 --> 1:19:05.120 will get rewired with the neuerobic activity of high fiving 1:19:05.160 --> 1:19:06.719 yourself in the mirror. And you don't have to say anything. 1:19:06.800 --> 1:19:08.559 Just let all the science in your body and the 1:19:08.560 --> 1:19:11.400 programming that's already there work for you. That's all that 1:19:11.439 --> 1:19:13.720 you need to do. The other reason why it is 1:19:13.720 --> 1:19:17.040 important and this was new to me, so I didn't 1:19:17.120 --> 1:19:19.559 know this, But when it makes sense when your nervous 1:19:19.560 --> 1:19:22.640 system is on edge, your prefrontal cortex, the part of 1:19:22.640 --> 1:19:24.559 your brain that you're going to use to build this 1:19:24.640 --> 1:19:27.479 empire and to change your relationship with your father for 1:19:27.520 --> 1:19:31.360 the better. It doesn't work properly because your nervous system 1:19:31.400 --> 1:19:34.880 overrides it. Like if somebody all if the fire alarm 1:19:34.920 --> 1:19:37.000 started going off in here for real and we smelled 1:19:37.080 --> 1:19:39.960 like real smoke, not just joint smoke, we wouldn't be 1:19:40.000 --> 1:19:42.679 able to solve a math problem because the alarm system 1:19:42.680 --> 1:19:45.599 in your body would take over. We've been and you've 1:19:45.640 --> 1:19:50.280 been on high alert for eighteen months or longer. When 1:19:50.280 --> 1:19:53.200 you think about the last administration, right and the bullshit 1:19:53.240 --> 1:19:55.759 that you've had to deal with. We've all seen unfolding 1:19:55.800 --> 1:19:59.479 on television, the fight for racial justice. All of it 1:19:59.600 --> 1:20:03.439 just boom boom boom at people. Your nervous system is 1:20:03.479 --> 1:20:07.040 on edge. Everybody's is. You're going to go build a business, 1:20:07.080 --> 1:20:10.479 You're going to heal this relationship and transform it. You 1:20:10.520 --> 1:20:12.160 need this part of your brain to be able to 1:20:12.160 --> 1:20:16.880 focus and think clearly. That's also why getting your nervous system. 1:20:16.960 --> 1:20:19.080 I like the word you use, though it was like nero. 1:20:20.240 --> 1:20:23.439 I don't know, You're like nerve, neuros, zeros. 1:20:25.560 --> 1:20:26.760 Yes, what's the word that is? 1:20:26.800 --> 1:20:27.280 I love that. 1:20:28.760 --> 1:20:30.840 Yeah, You're like, when you get that in order you 1:20:30.880 --> 1:20:33.360 will be able to sit in a businessman like nope, 1:20:33.920 --> 1:20:36.400 because you will be in your body and in your power. 1:20:36.960 --> 1:20:39.400 I'm going to use it because I've been struggling, and 1:20:39.520 --> 1:20:43.240 I'm going to also empower my friend to you know, 1:20:43.680 --> 1:20:46.000 with us together, Like do these high fives? 1:20:46.200 --> 1:20:48.479 Yeah, We're gonna going to see its high fiving in 1:20:48.520 --> 1:20:49.559 every major event ever. 1:20:50.560 --> 1:20:52.960 Absolutely, I think we need a high five. Our teamwore David. 1:20:52.960 --> 1:20:53.760 I'm high fiving you. 1:20:53.960 --> 1:20:56.760 High never not doing a session without a high five. 1:20:57.000 --> 1:20:58.040 I mean, I've learned a lot. 1:20:58.080 --> 1:21:00.280 I've learned a lot about like, yeah, how do how 1:21:00.320 --> 1:21:03.559 to you know, empower the people around me as a 1:21:03.600 --> 1:21:08.760 business woman, as a mother, as a friend, and you 1:21:08.800 --> 1:21:13.599 know how to control my crazy nurse neuros nervous system. 1:21:14.479 --> 1:21:18.080 And I'm just so grateful that you're here with us 1:21:18.080 --> 1:21:20.800 and that we connected and that you that thank you 1:21:20.880 --> 1:21:25.720 for coming back, thank you for inviting me, and yeah, wow. 1:21:25.680 --> 1:21:27.479 Wow, this is much more than I expected. I feel 1:21:27.479 --> 1:21:29.360 like I'm like in therapy with mal right now. Wow, 1:21:29.560 --> 1:21:32.440 Well you know I'm not a license therapist. 1:21:33.479 --> 1:21:37.880 Every thousands and thousands of dollars worth of THERAPYT had. 1:21:37.800 --> 1:21:39.479 A question, what car did we pull? 1:21:40.520 --> 1:21:43.160 Well, it's funny you may ask. I was wondering we 1:21:43.200 --> 1:21:44.679 forgot to do. I let it ride. I'm like, maybe 1:21:44.680 --> 1:21:47.559 it'll make more sense at the end. The car be 1:21:47.640 --> 1:21:51.280 pulled was the seven of brooms, which is the seven 1:21:51.320 --> 1:21:56.280 of wands generally, and it means after the success of 1:21:56.360 --> 1:21:59.559 six of wands, you are now in an inviable position 1:21:59.640 --> 1:22:01.519 in our being challenged by others who want to take 1:22:01.560 --> 1:22:05.360 your place. You worked hard to get to where you are, 1:22:05.400 --> 1:22:08.360 but some people covet what you have and are prepared 1:22:08.400 --> 1:22:12.280 to fight for it. While it is flattering that they 1:22:12.280 --> 1:22:15.000 strive for your success, it also makes for tense and 1:22:15.080 --> 1:22:17.880 competitive environment because you need to protect what you earned 1:22:18.240 --> 1:22:22.720 and must continually prove yourself. It is a sad fact 1:22:22.760 --> 1:22:24.680 of life, but the more visibility you have as a 1:22:24.720 --> 1:22:26.920 leader in your field and the bigger your audience, the 1:22:26.920 --> 1:22:29.040 more likely it is that you will need to grapple 1:22:29.320 --> 1:22:32.160 with this kind of pressure. Others see your success and 1:22:32.200 --> 1:22:34.080 will either challenge your point of view or want to 1:22:34.120 --> 1:22:36.960 take it down. The seven of wants may appear when 1:22:36.960 --> 1:22:39.479 you hold a contentious point of view or wish to 1:22:39.560 --> 1:22:42.000 voice your opinion in a public forum. Be ready to 1:22:42.000 --> 1:22:44.880 support your argument and back yourself. Stand firm and your 1:22:44.880 --> 1:22:48.080 conviction of what you believe and why so that others 1:22:48.080 --> 1:22:51.000 do not topple you from your mountain of self belief. 1:22:51.479 --> 1:22:54.519 Sometimes this threat is opposition may catch you by surprise 1:22:54.840 --> 1:22:57.799 and you'll feel inadequately inadequately prepared. 1:22:57.880 --> 1:23:00.600 No, we won't because we're high fiving bitch, prepared for 1:23:00.680 --> 1:23:04.479 such a battle. I'm prepared. Okay, yes, but you know what. 1:23:04.840 --> 1:23:06.400 I'm safe, I'm powerful. 1:23:06.560 --> 1:23:09.800 But it's talking about someone in this translation, it's talking 1:23:09.840 --> 1:23:12.280 about maybe someone outside of you. But I think bigased 1:23:12.320 --> 1:23:14.439 on this conversation. I think the biggest lesson is that 1:23:14.800 --> 1:23:18.800 our biggest problem, our biggest opponent is often ourselves. And 1:23:19.000 --> 1:23:22.960 if you are not prepared to face yourself and face 1:23:22.960 --> 1:23:27.280 your dad and a shit talking or you know, your 1:23:27.320 --> 1:23:31.000 business or whatever parts of yourself that you're avoiding because 1:23:31.000 --> 1:23:33.400 you're drinking, you're getting blacked out drunk, or maybe you're 1:23:33.400 --> 1:23:35.680 having sex, or you're just sleeping and not wanting to 1:23:35.680 --> 1:23:38.040 get the fuck up out the bed or cleaning, it's 1:23:38.160 --> 1:23:41.400 really the part that needs to be tackled, which is 1:23:41.520 --> 1:23:43.320 in fact the person in the mirror. 1:23:43.640 --> 1:23:45.800 Correct all comes back to them, it does. 1:23:47.400 --> 1:23:48.439 This is good. 1:23:49.040 --> 1:23:50.960 I want to ask you something has nothing to do 1:23:51.000 --> 1:23:51.880 with any of these things. 1:23:51.960 --> 1:23:55.479 Sure, do you have a whory horr? 1:23:55.640 --> 1:23:57.080 We forgot to tell you because I don't think we 1:23:57.120 --> 1:23:59.960 were thinking about this, but it's a highly horrorsh story. 1:24:00.520 --> 1:24:02.559 Something you've done though was like very horrish. Maybe it 1:24:02.560 --> 1:24:04.400 could be with your husband, maybe before you're married. 1:24:04.560 --> 1:24:06.960 You mean, like the time that I was basically a 1:24:07.000 --> 1:24:09.400 port whoreor for a guy that was a Navy seal. 1:24:13.600 --> 1:24:16.000 Who stories what is. 1:24:18.960 --> 1:24:21.720 Like a groupie of the port No, meaning like you know, 1:24:21.880 --> 1:24:24.320 guys that are in the military have a different girlfriend 1:24:24.360 --> 1:24:26.000 in every city. 1:24:26.160 --> 1:24:28.160 Oh, so you're his what city you're. 1:24:28.479 --> 1:24:31.799 Well, I met him in Boston, but the real amazing 1:24:31.840 --> 1:24:33.000 hookup was in Chicago. 1:24:33.320 --> 1:24:35.719 Well, can you tell us quickly about the amazing hookup 1:24:35.760 --> 1:24:36.320 in Chicago? 1:24:36.840 --> 1:24:37.760 Sure? What do you want to know? 1:24:37.880 --> 1:24:39.400 I know what was so amazing about it? Was it 1:24:39.520 --> 1:24:42.040 like something something like you know what it was? 1:24:42.120 --> 1:24:43.920 I was in law school at the time and he 1:24:44.040 --> 1:24:46.400 was like fifteen years older than me. So it was 1:24:46.439 --> 1:24:49.280 the first time I had had sex with a fucking man. 1:24:50.479 --> 1:24:53.200 Like until that point, it had been boys and I 1:24:53.280 --> 1:24:58.640 was either learning with them or instructing them. This was 1:24:58.920 --> 1:25:03.320 like feeling like I was a fucking rag doll. Yeah, 1:25:03.360 --> 1:25:04.719 my god, yes. 1:25:04.560 --> 1:25:06.160 Your sub he was domining you. 1:25:06.720 --> 1:25:08.600 I mean, I don't know what he was doing, but 1:25:08.680 --> 1:25:12.000 it was amazing, Like I had never experienced that with 1:25:12.080 --> 1:25:15.799 a fifteen to a twenty two year old man before, 1:25:16.360 --> 1:25:18.519 and this was a guy who I think was thirty 1:25:18.520 --> 1:25:21.720 five at the time. I can't believe I don't have 1:25:21.720 --> 1:25:23.080 a venereal disease. 1:25:22.760 --> 1:25:26.519 From Maybe he wasn't as much as a port horror 1:25:26.520 --> 1:25:29.840 as you thought. Maybe maybe not, maybe not, maybe not, 1:25:30.040 --> 1:25:32.240 maybe with those moves, probably yeah. 1:25:32.280 --> 1:25:35.720 And then I remember having that feeling. I don't even 1:25:35.720 --> 1:25:37.800 know how to describe it because a couple months later. 1:25:37.840 --> 1:25:40.200 You know, of course, we didn't have cell phones back then, 1:25:40.240 --> 1:25:42.800 so it's not like he could kind of ghost meet 1:25:42.800 --> 1:25:46.599 because you couldn't really reach anybody. But I remember being 1:25:46.720 --> 1:25:50.160 out at a restaurant in Boston and watching him come 1:25:50.160 --> 1:25:54.040 into a restaurant with somebody else, and that moment where 1:25:54.360 --> 1:25:57.559 you are admitting to yourself that you actually already had 1:25:57.560 --> 1:26:00.000 the fantasy in your mind that you were send around 1:26:00.360 --> 1:26:02.040 and they were going to come back and marry you 1:26:02.320 --> 1:26:05.080 and you are the one, and then he's clearly in 1:26:05.120 --> 1:26:08.160 a relationship with somebody or you know. It was kind 1:26:08.160 --> 1:26:11.519 of one of those moments you're like, I basically want 1:26:11.520 --> 1:26:12.280 to die right now. 1:26:12.479 --> 1:26:15.479 Okay, I've been thinking about you for months. 1:26:15.200 --> 1:26:17.639 Yes, exactly, clearly you haven't been. 1:26:18.960 --> 1:26:20.120 We've all had those moments. 1:26:20.200 --> 1:26:23.639 Yes, well, mel, thank you again for coming on the show. 1:26:23.680 --> 1:26:26.479 Can you tell our listeners where they can get the 1:26:26.680 --> 1:26:28.439 high five fat Habit and you. 1:26:28.400 --> 1:26:30.600 Can buy it anywhere you want. You can buy it 1:26:30.640 --> 1:26:34.960 anywhere you want. You can. It's coming out in twenty 1:26:34.960 --> 1:26:37.920 three languages and counting by the end of the year. 1:26:37.800 --> 1:26:41.519 Hopefully graduate fucking relation. Thank you. That's a big shit girl. 1:26:41.720 --> 1:26:42.080 Thank you. 1:26:42.120 --> 1:26:43.040 But they're killing it. 1:26:43.080 --> 1:26:46.840 Thank you. You know what, when you work your ass 1:26:46.840 --> 1:26:50.720 off and you are out to make an impact, it 1:26:50.840 --> 1:26:52.960 all does work out. It may not work out on 1:26:53.000 --> 1:26:55.080 the timeline that you want, but when you stay true 1:26:55.640 --> 1:26:58.000 to what you want to do in the world, when 1:26:58.040 --> 1:27:00.519 you keep telling yourself that this moment is pairing you 1:27:00.600 --> 1:27:03.720 for something amazing that's coming, and you stay true, it 1:27:03.760 --> 1:27:06.280 doesn't all ever unfold the way that you think it will, 1:27:06.280 --> 1:27:10.439 but it does. What's meant for you finds you period. 1:27:10.920 --> 1:27:12.880 And so one of the things that I wanted to 1:27:12.920 --> 1:27:16.439 say about this is that I am so committed because 1:27:17.000 --> 1:27:19.640 even with the five second rule, which has changed the 1:27:19.680 --> 1:27:21.599 lives of millions of people. We know of one hundred 1:27:21.640 --> 1:27:24.520 and eleven people who have stopped themselves from committing suicide 1:27:24.680 --> 1:27:27.160 by using five four three two one. It is helping 1:27:27.200 --> 1:27:31.479 people reprogram triggers associated with PTSD. Pediatricians use it to 1:27:31.600 --> 1:27:35.560 reframe worries for kids you know who have anxiety. It's extraordinary. 1:27:36.880 --> 1:27:39.519 This book is only out now five days. I think 1:27:39.560 --> 1:27:42.720 it's going to be a thousand times more impactful in 1:27:42.720 --> 1:27:44.720 people's lives than even the five second Rule, because the 1:27:44.720 --> 1:27:47.720 five second rule will help you push through shit. This 1:27:47.800 --> 1:27:49.880 goes down to the fucking core of who you are 1:27:50.640 --> 1:27:53.040 and how you feel about yourself, and when you change 1:27:53.080 --> 1:27:55.040 how you see yourself and how you treat yourself, it 1:27:55.160 --> 1:27:58.600 changes your whole life. And so I am so committed 1:27:58.720 --> 1:28:00.840 to sharing these tools. I want to thank you from 1:28:00.880 --> 1:28:02.880 the bottom of my heart for having me on to 1:28:03.120 --> 1:28:06.679 introduce this stuff to your audience. But I want everyone 1:28:06.680 --> 1:28:08.880 to know you don't need to buy the book. I 1:28:08.880 --> 1:28:11.240 am reading the book cover to cover for free every 1:28:11.280 --> 1:28:14.640 single day online. We have started on social media. I 1:28:14.680 --> 1:28:17.000 read two or three pages a day. I then coach 1:28:17.080 --> 1:28:20.040 people because I want people who can't afford the book 1:28:20.160 --> 1:28:23.320 or find it to be able to use it. And 1:28:23.560 --> 1:28:26.760 we also created something called the High five Challenge, which 1:28:26.760 --> 1:28:28.479 is you just go to high five Challenge dot com. 1:28:28.520 --> 1:28:30.559 There's eighty five thousand people in it right now from 1:28:30.640 --> 1:28:32.960 ninety one countries. It is free. You do not have 1:28:33.000 --> 1:28:34.640 to buy the book to be in it. It's not 1:28:34.680 --> 1:28:37.080 even on social media. I got an app to give 1:28:37.120 --> 1:28:39.800 everybody access for free, because you know there's nothing. You know, 1:28:39.920 --> 1:28:42.080 Facebook groups are pain in the ass because you see 1:28:42.120 --> 1:28:45.080 the ads. So this is you go to High five 1:28:45.320 --> 1:28:48.479 Challenge dot com just the number five and you can 1:28:48.560 --> 1:28:50.920 jump in it any time you're hearing this, and for 1:28:51.080 --> 1:28:53.000 five days, we will coach you. We will give you 1:28:53.520 --> 1:28:56.479 journaling prompts, and you'll have this massive global community of 1:28:56.479 --> 1:28:59.559 people who are all high fiving themselves, uploading photos during 1:28:59.600 --> 1:29:02.240 each other on to get you started. Because for me, 1:29:02.520 --> 1:29:04.760 this is so much bigger, just like it's so much 1:29:04.800 --> 1:29:07.760 bigger for the two of you. Like, it's not about 1:29:07.800 --> 1:29:09.960 the book deal, it's not really about the podcast. It's 1:29:09.960 --> 1:29:13.200 about something you're awakening in people who are listening. It's 1:29:13.240 --> 1:29:16.920 about something you're discovering about yourself as you're sharing your 1:29:17.120 --> 1:29:19.400 journey in life and everything that you're fucking up and 1:29:19.400 --> 1:29:22.439 that you're learning. I so want these tools out in 1:29:22.479 --> 1:29:25.639 the world because they're free. They fucking work. I don't 1:29:25.680 --> 1:29:27.760 care where you live, what language you speak, how old 1:29:27.840 --> 1:29:31.040 you are, what you do. Everybody needs to know how 1:29:31.080 --> 1:29:33.080 to look in the mirror and support the person they 1:29:33.080 --> 1:29:36.240 see staring back at them. So thank you for having 1:29:36.240 --> 1:29:38.400 me on and buy the book if you can. If 1:29:38.400 --> 1:29:41.080 you can't, just fucking share this shit everything. If you 1:29:41.280 --> 1:29:44.240 liked this podcast, you share this shit. Yeah, everybody who 1:29:44.280 --> 1:29:45.599 needs to hear it. 1:29:45.720 --> 1:29:47.719 Please, and everybody does. 1:29:47.960 --> 1:29:51.200 Yeah, it's not a question. Let's just get it to them. 1:29:52.320 --> 1:29:54.200 Thank you so much. S mel I feel like I 1:29:54.240 --> 1:29:55.280 have a new best friend. 1:29:55.479 --> 1:29:57.880 Absolutely, and you have my cell phones, so you better 1:29:57.920 --> 1:29:58.280 text me. 1:29:58.400 --> 1:30:00.799 Can I put me on the pretext holding Okay, I'm sorry. 1:30:00.920 --> 1:30:02.760 I was keep here for myself. I'm gonna put us 1:30:02.760 --> 1:30:04.840 on the group text. I We're supposed to have a 1:30:04.920 --> 1:30:07.000 drink for your birthday, but I do have shit to do. 1:30:07.400 --> 1:30:10.960 Happy birthday, drink with you, Okay. I'm so honored that 1:30:11.000 --> 1:30:13.880 you get to come on our show and share with us. 1:30:14.240 --> 1:30:18.439 You guys. She is shout out to Mark and Europa Agency. 1:30:18.840 --> 1:30:21.719 She's on our literary agency with us. We're so blessed 1:30:21.760 --> 1:30:24.960 to be like represented by the same agency. I'm like 1:30:25.000 --> 1:30:26.800 so much pressure. This book better to be fucking good. 1:30:28.080 --> 1:30:31.040 Oh hell, yes, and count me on your launch team. 1:30:31.240 --> 1:30:32.479 Yes when it comes out. 1:30:32.520 --> 1:30:34.479 Please, Wow, I'm so excited. You have a hell of 1:30:34.520 --> 1:30:40.599 an email list over there. Anyway, I hope everyone heard 1:30:40.640 --> 1:30:42.920 this and this resonated. I know it did. Please pick 1:30:43.000 --> 1:30:46.360 up the high five habit five the number, and don't 1:30:46.360 --> 1:30:49.479 forget to rate and review us because it matters to us. 1:30:49.560 --> 1:30:52.160 Give them fucking five stars. Don't you dare listen to 1:30:52.160 --> 1:30:53.920 their shit and give them anything. 1:30:53.640 --> 1:30:54.720 Lest don't be a take her. 1:30:54.840 --> 1:31:08.320 You know this was free, by the way, ran them