Speaker 1: I can do bad. I welcome back to good Mom's
Speaker 1: Bad Choices. I'm Erica and I'm Mela. Happy Wednesday, Happy
Speaker 1: hump Day everyone.
Speaker 2: We've already started the episode.
Speaker 3: Before the episode started, I've already told our guest how
Speaker 3: I've had six wet dreams. Or Jamila shared with our guests,
Speaker 3: I've already had six wet dreams about Eminem, and our
Speaker 3: guest has since confirmed that Eminem looks like he might
Speaker 3: smell like he's been holding for forty eight hours waiting
Speaker 3: for his public defender to come defend him.
Speaker 4: So in the movie Here we Are a mile, Yes,
Speaker 4: that's one thousand percent what he I think would smell
Speaker 4: like in the basement scene where he's doing the wrap up.
Speaker 2: Yes, I don't know.
Speaker 3: I'm not I don't know. I don't know why this
Speaker 3: keeps happening to me. But Eminem, call me, I'm here.
Speaker 1: Your secrets are not safe. I would love for that
Speaker 1: really happens.
Speaker 4: I'll tell you what I'd love to see. I'd love
Speaker 4: to see you do a peloton ad where you're riding
Speaker 4: next to him.
Speaker 1: Well, I don't know why that sounds so freakyrotic. I
Speaker 1: was just like a bitching that, and it's like.
Speaker 3: I can't even imagine Eminem working out.
Speaker 1: I've said Eminem more than I've ever said his name
Speaker 1: in my entire lifetime today. Okay, I did have a
Speaker 1: crush on him too, back back in the day, and
Speaker 1: there's little options.
Speaker 2: There's something there.
Speaker 1: Anyway. How's your week, guys? How are you feeling today?
Speaker 2: I'm feeling good. I'm feeling great.
Speaker 3: I'm a little I smoked a little bit earlier and
Speaker 3: so I'm feeling relaxed. And my friend gave me these
Speaker 3: like rose essence drops that she like made me, and
Speaker 3: so I just put them under my tongue and they
Speaker 3: give me like I don't know, they make me feel
Speaker 3: like energized but positive.
Speaker 4: So are they like a rose essence THC.
Speaker 3: No, No, no, it's just some She's an herbalist and
Speaker 3: she I have. I suffer from anxiety, which is why
Speaker 3: I'm really happy you're here. Okay, help me, am I
Speaker 3: gonna make it worse, I hope not.
Speaker 1: Wait, let's introduce our guests. You're hearing a voice. It's
Speaker 1: not ours. We have an amazing bad ass woman here.
Speaker 1: She's an author.
Speaker 3: She's a lawyer, international best selling author.
Speaker 2: Really an audible icon. I would say, I think you're
Speaker 2: an audible icon.
Speaker 1: You are.
Speaker 3: She has the most successful self published audible book.
Speaker 2: Of all time.
Speaker 4: It's true.
Speaker 3: And you're a motivational speaker. You're a mother and hot smoker.
Speaker 3: She has white pants on with a patch on her ass,
Speaker 3: says bad Ass that she wore for us.
Speaker 4: I did, and I also did not realize I was
Speaker 4: coming to the headquarters of beauty blenders. So after I
Speaker 4: put my foundation on with my hands, I subconsciously rubbed
Speaker 4: them down the front of my white pants. So I
Speaker 4: have a foundation streak like some loser right here.
Speaker 1: Please get her beauty blender. I had one.
Speaker 4: I just forgot to put it in my suitcase last.
Speaker 1: Night, and I figure out here an extra one. It's
Speaker 1: so crazy because me and Eric are so fucking professional.
Speaker 1: Last time Mel was supposed to come here and wires
Speaker 1: got crossed and she was here and we were not,
Speaker 1: and we were in another meeting, and I was like,
Speaker 1: oh no, Eric, I like, I have to call her.
Speaker 1: I'm scared. Oh no. So I went outside.
Speaker 2: I'm like, hello, I didn't help her at all.
Speaker 3: I was like, she's gonna have to deal with Mel
Speaker 3: Robbins is outside of the office. I'm like, she don'na
Speaker 3: have to deal with that. I can't do I was.
Speaker 3: I was in the midst of like that day. I
Speaker 3: was like break, I like broke down and had like
Speaker 3: this crazy anxiety moment, and I was like, I can't help.
Speaker 1: You, bitch.
Speaker 2: I should figure it out.
Speaker 1: And I thought for sure I was gonna get like
Speaker 1: your assistant. I was like perfect, like, hey, so we're
Speaker 1: not there. She's like, no, this is mel I'm.
Speaker 4: Like, you did call. But then she got on the
Speaker 4: team and I said, give me that phone, right.
Speaker 1: She got me, you did, she got me together, so
Speaker 1: fucking why. I was like, shit, I was like, I
Speaker 1: just got a coach. She's like, don't apologie. I stop apologizing.
Speaker 1: It's fine. Shit happens. I'm like, you're okay, you're right,
Speaker 1: I'm not sorry. I am sorry.
Speaker 4: Sorry, No, do not say you're sorry.
Speaker 1: Like your team needs to be on luck cause you're growing.
Speaker 1: I'm like, your motherfucking right, that's right.
Speaker 4: So so you asked me at the beginning, come to
Speaker 4: the table with a mantra, and we're gonna talk why.
Speaker 4: Most mantras are bullshit, but one mantra I love is
Speaker 4: that I always say to myself, especially when the shit
Speaker 4: hits the fan, or especially when I hear the anxiety
Speaker 4: or I feel the anxiety. And for anxiety for me
Speaker 4: always starts in my ankles and it rolls up like
Speaker 4: a train through my body. And I always say to myself,
Speaker 4: this moment is preparing me for something amazing that hasn't
Speaker 4: happened yet. This moment is preparing me for something amazing
Speaker 4: that hasn't happened yet. And so when I say that,
Speaker 4: it's a way to flip yourself out of anxiety and
Speaker 4: fear and self doubt and self rejection and self bashing
Speaker 4: and flip into this thing I call a high five attitude,
Speaker 4: which grounds you into faith and optimism and a little
Speaker 4: bit of confidence when you need. Because the fact of
Speaker 4: the matter is that was the perfect breakdown for you
Speaker 4: to have for me to be out here in La.
Speaker 4: I don't live in La to be standing here, you know,
Speaker 4: drive forty five minutes, stand you know here, organize the
Speaker 4: day around coming here, you know, like, and I'm not
Speaker 4: saying this make you feel bad. I want you to
Speaker 4: understand that the universe gives you the size of a
Speaker 4: breakdown that you need in order to wake your ass up.
Speaker 4: And I'm telling you you have probably had other scheduling breakdowns.
Speaker 4: You have probably had other process breakdowns, but they weren't
Speaker 4: big enough to make you go, fuck, I'm going to
Speaker 4: pay attention now. And so when you stand in those
Speaker 4: moments and go, this is preparing me for something amazing
Speaker 4: that hasn't happened yet. What that moment prepared you for
Speaker 4: is respecting the platform you're building and respecting yourselves so
Speaker 4: that you take this moment and say, oh, I actually
Speaker 4: have to level up.
Speaker 1: In this moment.
Speaker 4: I got to upgrade the systems around me. I got
Speaker 4: to upgrade the calendaring, I got to upgrade the you know,
Speaker 4: like whatever it is. And I can say that to
Speaker 4: you because I have fucked up so many times. And
Speaker 4: I think when you kind of get into something and
Speaker 4: you're in it because you really want to connect with
Speaker 4: people and you want to make an impact, and it
Speaker 4: sort of just happens organically. Me personally, I was completely
Speaker 4: naive about what it meant to have a business and
Speaker 4: do have a brand where you're the face of it,
Speaker 4: what it means for your family, what it means in
Speaker 4: terms of liability, what it means in terms of how
Speaker 4: fast things start coming at you. And so if I could,
Speaker 4: as somebody who is probably I don't know, twenty five
Speaker 4: more fuck ups ahead of you, save you the heartache
Speaker 4: and the headache that I have caused myself, then I
Speaker 4: would love to do that. And that's why I was
Speaker 4: literally like, don't you dare apologize? Like just get the
Speaker 4: lesson and like change the stuff. And the other reason
Speaker 4: why I want you to not apologize, like apologize when
Speaker 4: something happens to say like I really apologize or like whatever.
Speaker 4: But what I want you to do instead, especially as
Speaker 4: women and especially as two women that are gonna build
Speaker 4: something monstrous, Okay, I want you to flip out of
Speaker 4: your vocabulary the word i'm sorry, and I want you
Speaker 4: to insert the word thank you, thank you, And I'll
Speaker 4: tell you why, Because in that moment you're like i'm sorry,
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it becomes the focus goes on
Speaker 4: you making the mistake, so you feel terrible. It also
Speaker 4: makes the person on the receiving end of the i'm
Speaker 4: sorry feel like I need to reassure you when instead,
Speaker 4: in those moments where you, you know, legitimately have a
Speaker 4: like breakdown, you didn't intentionally go fuck Mel Robbins. Let's
Speaker 4: just ghost her and let's put out let's put a
Speaker 4: video out front, and let's see what this bitch does.
Speaker 1: That's not what happens. That's the core what she says
Speaker 1: about us, and see.
Speaker 4: Exactly that's not what happened a punk. Yeah, literally, that's
Speaker 4: not what happened. So in you in those moments when
Speaker 4: you can go, hey, look we had a break down.
Speaker 4: Thank you for understanding, thank you for your patients. That's sorry,
Speaker 4: I got three kids, I know what it feels like.
Speaker 2: Whatever, just to see it's French fries.
Speaker 1: Just go at least one thing.
Speaker 4: But literally, see there you go, thank you like she
Speaker 4: literally like when you go thank you for your patience,
Speaker 4: thank you for your understanding, thank you for your flexibility.
Speaker 4: You get it off the battering ram of hitting yourself
Speaker 4: and making yourself wrong and making somebody feel like they
Speaker 4: need to reassure you, and you step into your power
Speaker 4: and you go things happen. I appreciate you your flexibility,
Speaker 4: and I appreciate you. See what I'm saying, that's what
Speaker 4: are you betting from that?
Speaker 3: I'm just I'm thinking because I I definitely saying I'm sorry.
Speaker 3: It's definitely something I've I do a lot, but I've
Speaker 3: also I've been trying to undo and I also encourage
Speaker 3: my friends to not apologize too, but never really thinking
Speaker 3: about how it makes the person that you're saying i'm
Speaker 3: sorry to then have to reassure you not only maybe
Speaker 3: you've inconvenienced them, but then you're also making them have
Speaker 3: to reassure you that it's okay. You know, I never
Speaker 3: really thought about that part, because you think that you're
Speaker 3: doing them a service almost by saying I'm sorry, when
Speaker 3: really it's it's not.
Speaker 1: It doesn't change whatever has been done well.
Speaker 3: It makes them have to, like, like you said, reassure you,
Speaker 3: when like that's not their job either. Not only are
Speaker 3: you sorry for whatever it is you did, but now
Speaker 3: they're also having to reassure whatever choice is well.
Speaker 4: And now, let me tell you the bigger thematic piece
Speaker 4: of this, because it's so conditioned into women and girls
Speaker 4: to say they're sorry. I was going to say that,
Speaker 4: is that when it becomes so casual that you are
Speaker 4: literally apologizing for ordering gluten free bread, right, I'm really sorry,
Speaker 4: I'm sorry that I'm a pain in the ass when
Speaker 4: I order. I'm sorry, but could I please have gluten free.
Speaker 4: With that that that you are taking away your right
Speaker 4: to ta space. You are invalidating what you need. You
Speaker 4: are invalidating your right to request the things that support you.
Speaker 4: Like if you feel self conscious because you don't have
Speaker 4: a simple order, just say, hey, thank you so much.
Speaker 4: This is a really important thing to make sure that
Speaker 4: it's gluten free. Now you're acknowledging the waiter instead of
Speaker 4: bashing yourself for having a.
Speaker 2: Need, and you're actually empowering the waiter to do the job.
Speaker 3: Well, yes, because now they're like, wow, okay, I'm going
Speaker 3: to get this right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know.
Speaker 4: You can certainly apologize when you screw something up, but
Speaker 4: then flip it into a thank you to acknowledge the
Speaker 4: other person for giving you the grace to be human.
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, I think sorry, it does take away giving
Speaker 1: yourself grace to be human. Like, no, I didn't do
Speaker 1: it on purpose. Yeah, that's so true. As women, we
Speaker 1: apologize all the time, all day long. I say it
Speaker 1: so so much that it just rolls off the tongue.
Speaker 1: I'm like, hi, I'm sorry. I don't know why I
Speaker 1: said that. I'm like scooting past people who are too close.
Speaker 2: Sorry.
Speaker 1: Sorry, no, bitch, back up. Yeah, you know, women were
Speaker 1: just like I think, we are so conditioned to not
Speaker 1: take up space to be seen but not heard almost
Speaker 1: you know, Yeah, it feels uncomfortable to do it. If
Speaker 1: even having the conversation, I'm like, damn, how am I
Speaker 1: gonna substitute thank you for I'm sorry? That's gonna be
Speaker 1: a lot of thank you.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but it's so it's empowering because you literally feel
Speaker 4: like you're in control of everything. Right, thank you for
Speaker 4: waiting for me and shed if I'm sorry I'm late.
Speaker 1: Thank you for being flexible with us, and thank you
Speaker 1: for coming back and blessing us with these gems right
Speaker 1: off the top. Like I told her, I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm excited for this interview now, I'm like, wow, she
Speaker 1: just I don't know what. She was like, stop disrespecting
Speaker 1: your business. That is what she told me. I was like, damn,
Speaker 1: I never heard it put it that way. I'm gonna stop,
Speaker 1: I swear to god. Guess what happened The next that week,
Speaker 1: we had a fucking meeting. Everybody, like, you all, let's
Speaker 1: get on a call because she is getting she was
Speaker 1: slipping through the cracks, and it's our business. So we
Speaker 1: got to get it together well.
Speaker 4: And by the way, as you continue to level up,
Speaker 4: you're going to have to do that again. And as
Speaker 4: you continue to level up, you're going to have to
Speaker 4: do that again. We're doing that right now with our
Speaker 4: own social media team because we've just been in the
Speaker 4: middle of this big book launch and now we need
Speaker 4: to post mortem because you know, I think a lot
Speaker 4: of times, especially in a space where you're building something new,
Speaker 4: it's around something you're passionate about. You basically build the
Speaker 4: airplane as you're flying it.
Speaker 1: You've never put it so good when you said that
Speaker 1: when you have a business that you've developed through passion,
Speaker 1: that you really didn't even realize that that's you were
Speaker 1: building it. And then you're like, oh, fuck, I'm in
Speaker 1: a business and there's people that need to be paid,
Speaker 1: and I there's all these moving parts that you really
Speaker 1: didn't expect. So you didn't like have a business plan
Speaker 1: and then implement the shit. It just happened because it
Speaker 1: is a project of passion. And like, I'm so happy
Speaker 1: to be sitting down with you because obviously you're ahead
Speaker 1: of us in this and taking this advice means a lot.
Speaker 1: Like sometimes we talk about it and we know it
Speaker 1: it's true, but we're like, are we tripping ay terrible
Speaker 1: business people. I'm like, kind of, this wasn't supposed to
Speaker 1: be a business well, and that's.
Speaker 4: The other thing. You're not going to be good at everything.
Speaker 4: And so one of the biggest breakthroughs for me, and
Speaker 4: this was one of the gifts of doing that daytime
Speaker 4: talk show that I was eventually fired from, but one
Speaker 4: of the gifts of it, again, this moment is preparing
Speaker 4: you for something amazing. That's happening is to all of
Speaker 4: a sudden step into a television show. One hundred and
Speaker 4: thirty five people on the team Sony Pictures Television. We're
Speaker 4: filming at the CBS Broadcast Center. I had never been
Speaker 4: a part of a machine that big, one hundred and
Speaker 4: seventy five episodes taped in about five months flat. Wow,
Speaker 4: Like that is a machine. But what I realized is, Oh,
Speaker 4: I'm actually a really shitty CEO. Like no wonder. It's
Speaker 4: been painful and I've been a workaholic because I have
Speaker 4: been disrespecting my business and I have been trying to
Speaker 4: do everything and I have been so insecure that I
Speaker 4: have not been confident enough to hire people around me
Speaker 4: that have more experience than me. And when I got
Speaker 4: into the right seat on that you know train that
Speaker 4: was moving a million miles an hour, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 4: I'm not supposed to be running the production. I'm supposed
Speaker 4: to empower people to create a production machine around me
Speaker 4: so I can do what I love doing and that
Speaker 4: will make it grow. And so that's what I also
Speaker 4: meant by stop disrespecting the business and yourselves. You two
Speaker 4: have a genius. You have a particular thing or things
Speaker 4: that you're remarkable at. I am horrible at execution. I
Speaker 4: can walk into a meeting and ideas a fly off
Speaker 4: of me. I can talk like we're gonna make a
Speaker 4: million dollars something like all these ideas are gonna hit,
Speaker 4: and they will the second I walk out of the door.
Speaker 4: I'm not doing any of that. So if you don't
Speaker 4: start to understand what piece of this makes the money,
Speaker 4: what piece do I love doing, what's the piece that
Speaker 4: we actually need to hire, You're at that stage, and
Speaker 4: that's the scariest stage in any business. Doesn't matter. There's
Speaker 4: a reason why my ask is to God.
Speaker 1: It's like, we need you this week, not that week.
Speaker 1: This is the day. This is the day we need
Speaker 1: to hear all these messages. It's like I'm getting goosebumps,
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 4: Oh, and I'm gonna give you one more. Everybody. The
Speaker 4: most incredible thing that you could ever do is say.
Speaker 1: No, like exercise saying no, no.
Speaker 4: No, no no. In business, oh okay, let me tell
Speaker 4: you why?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 4: You ready? So when it comes to negotiating, what happens
Speaker 4: when you start to get into talking deal terms for example,
Speaker 4: like this happened with Sony Pictures. They reached out to
Speaker 4: us and at this point we're on like Audible number three.
Speaker 4: I'm the most booked female speaker in the world. We've
Speaker 4: got half a million students and online classes. We are
Speaker 4: slaying it and doing it on terms, and they on
Speaker 4: our terms. And so they reach out to us and
Speaker 4: they say, we'd love to talk to you about a
Speaker 4: daytime syndicated talk show. So I grew up in Western Michigan.
Speaker 4: When I would come home from school, my mom would
Speaker 4: have on Oprah Donahue Montel. I grew up with the
Speaker 4: old school talk shows on. It had always been a
Speaker 4: dream of mine to host my daytime, to host my
Speaker 4: own daytime talk show, be on TV. Like amazing. So
Speaker 4: even though I was like, I'm like a digital person
Speaker 4: like like you two are, when it came in, I
Speaker 4: was secretly like fuck, yeah, okay, yeah, oh my god,
Speaker 4: they want me. But I'm like, why would I do that?
Speaker 4: Like why would I do a daytime syndicated talk show.
Speaker 4: And so we wrote back and said, no, no thanks,
Speaker 4: we got a lot going on, not interested. And they
Speaker 4: wrote back and said, wait, what, Yeah, you're not interested.
Speaker 4: Why aren't you interested? And I said, well, here's all
Speaker 4: the reason. I'll make more money than you'll pay me.
Speaker 4: I make more money doing what I do than you're
Speaker 4: ever gonna pay me. I own everything that I do.
Speaker 4: I don't want to change or become a caricature of
Speaker 4: what I am. Like that like I want to And
Speaker 4: they wrote back and we're like, but would you still
Speaker 4: talk to us? And so like what happens is this
Speaker 4: in the deal? When you say no, there is this
Speaker 4: chemical thing that floods somebody's body, especially if it's a dude.
Speaker 4: The testosterone, the chase, the part of the brain that
Speaker 4: is attracted to something you can't have. It literally takes
Speaker 4: over and because you said no, you become more desirable
Speaker 4: and more attractive. This also works for dating everybody.
Speaker 2: With sounds familiar.
Speaker 5: Yes.
Speaker 4: So the more that you say no, the more you
Speaker 4: become something that somebody wants to get.
Speaker 1: Your value somehow raises because you're less accessible. Correct, They're like, oh,
Speaker 1: she's saying no, damn, Like maybe we should try harder
Speaker 1: raise our price, remove these dumb ass this dumb ass
Speaker 1: contractor we just proposed her. And because a lot of times,
Speaker 1: how many people on a daytime fucking talk show everybody,
Speaker 1: I wonder if I can be open, but like, how
Speaker 1: many people are saying no to shitty ask deals? People
Speaker 1: are like, oh, Sony pictures, I'm in and then fucked.
Speaker 1: You know, all their shit that they've built is gone
Speaker 1: because they've given everything over to someone. And like, you know,
Speaker 1: we've obviously probably not to that to that standard yet,
Speaker 1: but like, of course we've had proposals and companies and
Speaker 1: production companies and they're like, but we'll own everything, Like, bitch,
Speaker 1: are you crazy? No?
Speaker 3: Too many years we recently said notice, like a big opportunity,
Speaker 3: and we sat on it for a while.
Speaker 2: Like should We were like like should we? We were
Speaker 2: trying to work it out.
Speaker 3: Everything in me was like no, no, and then when
Speaker 3: it came down to it, we were like, no, well
Speaker 3: what Ultimately it was the ultimately the best decision that
Speaker 3: we've made. And I'm now like literally this week starting
Speaker 3: to see why I said no, yes.
Speaker 4: And you know, even the thing we were talking about,
Speaker 4: I don't want to say what it was on a mic,
Speaker 4: so I don't know if you're talking about it publicly.
Speaker 4: You should consider.
Speaker 2: Our book no no, okay, thing, You.
Speaker 4: Should consider doing it yourself because then you have control
Speaker 4: over it before it becomes a thing, and then the
Speaker 4: bigger fish buy the thing you created versus letting them
Speaker 4: futs around with you know what you're doing right thing.
Speaker 4: So you know, I ultimately said yes because we were
Speaker 4: in La. I think I was in La for a speech,
Speaker 4: and so I'm like, well, i'll swind buy and hear
Speaker 4: what you have to say. And they're like, why did
Speaker 4: you show up? And I said, well, I showed up
Speaker 4: to honor the dream that I had as a little girl.
Speaker 4: I want to find out, like, actually, what you're thinking
Speaker 4: and why you're interested. And what they said is, well,
Speaker 4: ever since Oprah left daytime, it's fucking crap. Well that's
Speaker 4: not the words they use. That's the word I use.
Speaker 4: It's celebrity promotion, it is hot, hot breaking news topics,
Speaker 4: or it is such fake conflict that it is in
Speaker 4: service to nobody. And when I started to understand the
Speaker 4: demographic of a person who is still watching day time television,
Speaker 4: it aligned directly with the impact that I'm out to
Speaker 4: make in the world, which is to make life changing
Speaker 4: concepts research science accessible to the everyday person. And when
Speaker 4: I realized that we could create a show potentially that
Speaker 4: could be a lifeline for folks that have been left
Speaker 4: behind by resources, that have been left behind, by funding,
Speaker 4: that have been left behind when it comes to access
Speaker 4: to therapy or when it comes access to personal development,
Speaker 4: I thought, this is something I'm going to go for
Speaker 4: and it was absolutely something that I was destined to do.
Speaker 4: And then of course they found COVID and it was
Speaker 4: a dream job. I loved every single day. I loved
Speaker 4: working with that team. It was a dream come true.
Speaker 4: I felt like I was in for the first time
Speaker 4: of my life at the age of fifty one. I
Speaker 4: thought I was in the right place. And then they
Speaker 4: found COVID nineteen in the building on March tenth, and
Speaker 4: they walked into our studio and said, you have five
Speaker 4: minutes to evacuate shows, cancel.
Speaker 1: You're fired.
Speaker 4: That's it, We're done. And it was amazing, Like I
Speaker 4: first ran upstairs and grabbed everything that wasn't nailed down
Speaker 4: and stole everything I could for my dressing room, shut.
Speaker 1: It all in sea fire me. Yeah, okay, we say
Speaker 1: give it all this shit.
Speaker 4: Okay, grab every blaser get let's get a couch. Yes exactly.
Speaker 5: If I could have grabbed thataker, I would have.
Speaker 4: I'm like, oh yeah, take it all this shit. So
Speaker 4: I literally and as I was coming out of CBS
Speaker 4: Broadcast Center in New York City, they were evacuating sixty
Speaker 4: minutes and entertainment tonight and our office is surreal. And
Speaker 4: that was the backdrop for when this new book started.
Speaker 4: Was life punched me in the face and said, yeah,
Speaker 4: I don't think so, Mel, you don't have it all handled.
Speaker 4: And I think we all had that moment where we
Speaker 4: knew the pandemic was going to turn your life upside down.
Speaker 4: Whether did you When was the moment for you where
Speaker 4: you're like, oh shit.
Speaker 1: We were in New York and it was the first
Speaker 1: week of March, and we had kept hearing about it,
Speaker 1: but me and Eric are the type of bitches. I
Speaker 1: want to live in a bubble so it will pass
Speaker 1: because we're not watching the news because it's negative. Don't talk,
Speaker 1: don't bring that negativity here. But we were leaving New
Speaker 1: York and kept hearing about it. I went on a
Speaker 1: date in this guy. I was like, aren't you scared?
Speaker 1: I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?
Speaker 1: But when we were leaving, we went to an event
Speaker 1: speaking event. Erica was speaking and this woman was like.
Speaker 1: We went out to reach her hand and she was like,
Speaker 1: I'm not shaking hands right now, and we were like,
Speaker 1: what the fuck is going on?
Speaker 3: She wasn't wearing a mask because the mask thing happened,
Speaker 3: but it was being yeah, passed through handshakes at that point.
Speaker 1: But then we went But then we went to the
Speaker 1: airport and everyone was wearing a mask, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: do you think this shit is about to get real?
Speaker 1: We're about to be in like a zombie apocalypse. She
Speaker 1: was like, no, no, no, it's fine, and then she
Speaker 1: got fucking like two days later, schools was you know
Speaker 1: how mom's knew school was shut there?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, the teacher was like she might not come back
Speaker 1: this week. I'm like for how long? But she's like,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I was like, oh, no, it's real.
Speaker 1: What do you mean, don't it's Wednesday? That was my my?
Speaker 2: I agree, I mean it was. It's a crazy time.
Speaker 3: But I mean, obviously, I think this time really allowed
Speaker 3: people like us and I think overall to kind of
Speaker 3: tap in, sit the fuck down, and figure out what now.
Speaker 3: And I'm so glad that this time you created this
Speaker 3: book that the high five habit, because I've been like
Speaker 3: skimming through it. I mean, I just got it. So
Speaker 3: I haven't read the whole thing.
Speaker 4: That's okay, but I know all about.
Speaker 3: But I'm just like wow, And I guess what really
Speaker 3: intrigued me so far about this too is kind of
Speaker 3: like the science behind it too that I never really
Speaker 3: realized when I was reading this section about you know,
Speaker 3: how NBA players and I'm an athlete too and like
Speaker 3: high fiving and how like it really does like transform
Speaker 3: the way you perform and the neurons in your brain.
Speaker 3: And just I was like, wow, that's so amazing that
Speaker 3: this moment that she had in the mirror just happened
Speaker 3: to also be backed by science too, Like this storory
Speaker 3: alignment is crazy.
Speaker 4: It's the story is honest to god crazy. You know.
Speaker 4: It's not like I sat down and was like, Okay,
Speaker 4: I got to write a book, got to have a
Speaker 4: five in it. You know, it's been almost five years.
Speaker 4: That's not what happened. Life punched me in the face,
Speaker 4: like I lost everything I had been working on. Because
Speaker 4: the fact is, the second that I got home, drove
Speaker 4: home to Boston, our kids now come home, two of
Speaker 4: them in college. Their college experiences imploded. They're having cascading
Speaker 4: anxiety attacks and anger and grief. And the only one
Speaker 4: that seemed unfazed was our son, you know, who's fourteen,
Speaker 4: is like, I don't care. I don't have to go
Speaker 4: to school. This is amazing. I play video games all
Speaker 4: day and mom and dad are drinking starting at ten am.
Speaker 4: They're leaving me alone. And so I literally book contracts
Speaker 4: canceled and I need to return money I've already spent.
Speaker 4: There are NOPP loans or whatever the fuck they're called.
Speaker 4: So I didn't know how I was going to make payroll.
Speaker 4: Every speech started to cancel, which was really how I
Speaker 4: made a living. And it gave me a flashback to
Speaker 4: two thousand and eight, when my husband were eight hundred
Speaker 4: thousand dollars in debt. I was unemployed. He had gone
Speaker 4: into the restaurant business with his best friend. The first
Speaker 4: one had done great. It was a little pizza joint.
Speaker 4: So we cashed out everything like complete morons and shoved
Speaker 4: it all into the business. And then the housing crisis
Speaker 4: hit and everything in that business was secured by our home.
Speaker 4: We tapped the home equity line, we tapped the credit cards.
Speaker 4: There were leans on our house. I couldn't pay for groceries.
Speaker 4: That's when I invented the five second role. And I
Speaker 4: invented the five second role counting backwards five four, three
Speaker 4: two one to get my ass out of bed, because
Speaker 4: at that moment, the anxiety was pinning me to it
Speaker 4: like a gravity blanket. So I was now fifty one
Speaker 4: looking at the universe, going, are you fucking kidding me?
Speaker 4: I've been after ten years of clawing my ass out
Speaker 4: of that hole and like helping our family and repaying
Speaker 4: this debt and helping all these people, and I'm like
Speaker 4: a relatively okay, decent person, like I this is what
Speaker 4: you're doing to me? Like I was so hissed. So
Speaker 4: for the first three weeks of the pandemic. I literally
Speaker 4: did not change out of my pajamas. I started drinking
Speaker 4: and smoking weed at about ten o'clock in the morning,
Speaker 4: and then we would just literally turn on all of
Speaker 4: the different series with our kids and watch television all day.
Speaker 4: And then one morning in April, I woke up and
Speaker 4: I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Speaker 4: And you don't even need the pandemic. Like this book
Speaker 4: has exploded. I'm talking to six days from the release
Speaker 4: for the number one audiobook in the world. What We
Speaker 4: are number one in Canada, we are in the top
Speaker 4: ten on Amazon. It is cracking something open inside people
Speaker 4: because I think, especially after the past eighteen months, everybody
Speaker 4: is hurting, and everybody feels beaten down and low energy
Speaker 4: and is tired of the uncertainty and feels a little
Speaker 4: stuck or lost. And it's just like, when are we
Speaker 4: gonna like go back to a life that feels like
Speaker 4: the shoe's not about to drop yet again? Right?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I feel like there's been moments where like, oh, just
Speaker 3: when you're catching up, it's like I'm bringing back down.
Speaker 3: It's been feeling just like this since completely.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And we are not designed to live with this
Speaker 4: level of sustained uncertainty. The reason why you feel more
Speaker 4: on edge, or you feel your anxiety is more easily triggered,
Speaker 4: or you feel like you cry more easily, or if
Speaker 4: you're like me, you feel by one thirty in the
Speaker 4: afternoon like you've just taken the SAT exam and you
Speaker 4: need a martini. Like it's just like I can't focus
Speaker 4: on anything. It's because your nervous system is permanently in
Speaker 4: fight or flight. Right now, we wear a mask. We
Speaker 4: not wear a master. I wear a messing this spilling DRG.
Speaker 4: Are they going to school? They're not going to say
Speaker 4: what's happening? I don't fucking know. Give me the joint.
Speaker 4: So I I for real, for real, And so you know,
Speaker 4: whether you're listening to us and you've just been broken
Speaker 4: up with or you didn't get the promotion, or you
Speaker 4: can't get yourself to fill out the application to go
Speaker 4: back to nursing school, or you listen to these two
Speaker 4: amazing ladies and you're like, I need to start that
Speaker 4: podcast and you're like, uh, Like, whatever it is that's
Speaker 4: pinning you to the bed and making you feel like
Speaker 4: you're overwhelmed by your life, I think it's a universal feeling.
Speaker 4: And that's what I felt in April of twenty twenty,
Speaker 4: and so I used the five second rule five fourth
Speaker 4: three two one. I got out of bed. I made
Speaker 4: my bed. I always make my bed. That morning, I
Speaker 4: made my bed so I didn't climb back into it.
Speaker 4: I dragged myself to the bathroom and I'm standing there
Speaker 4: in my underwear and I catch a glimpse of my
Speaker 4: reflection and I literally think, oh my.
Speaker 2: God, you look like hell.
Speaker 4: And then the beatdown starts. And this is the dirty
Speaker 4: secret that no one's talking about, and that is every
Speaker 4: human being has an ugly, awful habit, and I want
Speaker 4: to just blow the doors wide open on it. Every
Speaker 4: human being either stands in front of the mirror in
Speaker 4: the morning and either picks apart all the things that
Speaker 4: they need to fix, or this is unbelievable how common
Speaker 4: this is. Can't even look at themselves in the mirror.
Speaker 4: Fifty percent of men and women cannot even look at
Speaker 4: themselves in the mirror. Wow, And that's how we're starting
Speaker 4: our days. And it's so much a part of our
Speaker 4: lives you don't even realize it. And so here I
Speaker 4: am picking myself apart, which only makes me feel worse
Speaker 4: about myself. And if you had walked into the bathroom
Speaker 4: at that moment and you were like going through it,
Speaker 4: I would have been able to spin on a and
Speaker 4: lift you up, just like get it on the call, right, like, oh,
Speaker 4: I got you right. But when it comes to picking
Speaker 4: yourself up, fuck that. I pile drive myself. We all
Speaker 4: do it. And I don't know what came over me,
Speaker 4: because I think you can tell I am not really
Speaker 4: a cheesy person, you know, like I'm not like somebody
Speaker 4: that would just invent some fluffy fucking thing to sell books,
Speaker 4: like that's just not my jam. But for whatever reason,
Speaker 4: standing there in my underwear, one boom hanging lower than
Speaker 4: the other, my gray hair coming in like saggy tits,
Speaker 4: saggy neck, like I'm a lot older than you, guys,
Speaker 4: just wait what's coming. And so I literally, just as
Speaker 4: pathetic as it sounds, I'd never done this before. I
Speaker 4: raised my hand in a high five of the woman
Speaker 4: in the mirror because she looked like she.
Speaker 1: Fucking needed I haven't tried this yet, fuck it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And it's not like lightning strike. It's not like
Speaker 4: the Heaven's open and the angel sang like it's not like, ah,
Speaker 4: that's not what happened. But I'll tell you what. From
Speaker 4: the very first one, like something shifted and I felt
Speaker 4: this bit of like energy come back, like fucking pull
Speaker 4: it again, like you're not dead, you have a house,
Speaker 4: get out there. It's not that bad, you know, Like
Speaker 4: I didn't even think that stuff. That was sort of
Speaker 4: the energy, but it was the second day. Wait to
Speaker 4: hear this shit. The second day is when everything broke open.
Speaker 4: And I want to unpack this for you because I
Speaker 4: think you will really get this at a profound level.
Speaker 4: So I wake up again, same shit's going on, No
Speaker 4: idea how we're going to deal with this, financially overwhelmed, depleted,
Speaker 4: lost five or three two on them up, make the bed.
Speaker 4: I start walking to the bathroom, and all of a sudden,
Speaker 4: before I even get to the bathroom, I have this
Speaker 4: realization that I am feeling something I have never felt
Speaker 4: in my entire adult life. And it was this. You
Speaker 4: know how when you're about to walk into a bar
Speaker 4: cafe and you're going to meet somebody really like really
Speaker 4: great friend you haven't seen in a while, how do
Speaker 4: you feel.
Speaker 1: Tingly inside like a little butterflies?
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I felt that way about the idea of
Speaker 4: seeing myself. I am going to be fifty three in
Speaker 4: two days. I have never, at that point in my
Speaker 4: adult life had the experience of being excited to see
Speaker 4: me the human being. I've been excited to see an
Speaker 4: outfit or what my makeup looks like.
Speaker 1: Literally was going to say that.
Speaker 2: I was like, well, I've been excited, my makeup is done.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's like.
Speaker 2: Such a shouting.
Speaker 4: But to see yourself, no, I know. Yeah, when we
Speaker 4: were kids, we weren't like that. We saw Jansen kissing yourself,
Speaker 4: high five, trolling in the mirror, admiring yourself.
Speaker 1: Look at me, look at me, mom, Mom.
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, they see their essence. And that's the other
Speaker 4: thing is I started walking into the bathroom, I realized
Speaker 4: the profound nature of what was happening, and I realized
Speaker 4: for the first time, Holy shit, there are two people
Speaker 4: in the bathroom every morning. There's you and there's a
Speaker 4: woman in the mirror. And she has been waiting for
Speaker 4: you to wake the fuck up and see her and
Speaker 4: to see what she's trying, and that she needs you,
Speaker 4: and she's tired of you beating her down and picking
Speaker 4: her apart. She needs your support, she needs your love
Speaker 4: like she needs you.
Speaker 1: Wow, that is fucking profound.
Speaker 3: You know what, As you're describing this my mind, I'm
Speaker 3: just thinking of a ray On Insecure pumping herself up
Speaker 3: in the mirror and show yeah, and I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 3: it's it is true.
Speaker 2: There are two women in the room.
Speaker 4: There are yeah, And.
Speaker 1: We always forget to pump ourselves up. It's so easy
Speaker 1: to pump other people up. It's so people to mother
Speaker 1: your child, it's so easy to nurture other people and
Speaker 1: like it's okay, girl, But like we rarely do that
Speaker 1: to ourselves. You know, we rarely like it's okay, life
Speaker 1: goes on, You're going to be okay. We don't have
Speaker 1: those pep talks sometimes, Like I'll go all the way
Speaker 1: into Luna' school drop her off, and then someone looks
Speaker 1: at me and I'm like, what the fuck do I
Speaker 1: look like the same thing? And then I'll look in
Speaker 1: the mirror and I'll I'm like, I didn't look in
Speaker 1: the mirror at all. And I have a huge mirror
Speaker 1: in my bedroom, Like you can't miss this shit. I
Speaker 1: don't know how I've bean I brush my teeth.
Speaker 4: I don't know where I'm like, if you're thinking about
Speaker 4: everybody else.
Speaker 1: It's sometimes like I may have actually glanced in the mirror,
Speaker 1: but I did not look at myself. I'm I'm thinking,
Speaker 1: I literally think, like did I not just did I
Speaker 1: see it? But not see it? Like you're really not
Speaker 1: acknowledging yourself. Your reflection is always there, but it's you
Speaker 1: thinking so much that you're not even processing and acknowledging yourself.
Speaker 1: And sometimes, like even standing in the mirror looking at
Speaker 1: yourself for a very long time can feel almost.
Speaker 4: Awkward because it intimate too.
Speaker 1: It's intimate you don't do it, and like even we
Speaker 1: don't even look at our friends or each other that
Speaker 1: often if someone's making eye contact with you back, we
Speaker 1: rarely even do that because it's uncomfortable almost, so like
Speaker 1: I can imagine how profound that was to be, Like, damn,
Speaker 1: people need to hear about this.
Speaker 4: Yeah, well it didn't even hit then. So I had
Speaker 4: just read a piece of research from Harvard, and it
Speaker 4: must be amazing since it's from Harvard, right, But I'd
Speaker 4: read it the day before because I was trying to
Speaker 4: figure out how the fuck am I going to keep
Speaker 4: my team inspired? Like I'm in the gutter here, and
Speaker 4: so I read this piece of research just the day
Speaker 4: before that was if you spend less than a minute
Speaker 4: as a leader thinking about how you're going to show
Speaker 4: up today, it changes your focus, your productivity, and the
Speaker 4: impact you make on people. And so, for whatever reason,
Speaker 4: like I think it was like the universe, it was divine.
Speaker 4: It popped into my mind and I did something I'd
Speaker 4: never done before. I looked at my reflection and I
Speaker 4: asked myself this question, how am I going to show
Speaker 4: up for her? What does she need for me? And
Speaker 4: I think on that day I was sort of like, bitch,
Speaker 4: stop like bitching about everything. I need you to actually
Speaker 4: have a little I need to be kinder to me.
Speaker 4: I need to like like actually believe we're going to
Speaker 4: get through this, like stop with the death talk here
Speaker 4: and so I and then I just raised my hand
Speaker 4: and high five myself. And so I did this every
Speaker 4: morning for a couple of weeks. And then I literally
Speaker 4: posted one photo on my story. Had I known it
Speaker 4: was going to be this one in the book with
Speaker 4: the BedHead and the retainer in, I might have picked
Speaker 4: a different morning. But I within literally if you turn
Speaker 4: to chapter two, it's that it's photo there, but within
Speaker 4: an hour, more than one hundred people around the world,
Speaker 4: all shapes, colors, sizes, religions, ages, genders up, like every
Speaker 4: started posting photos of themselves. I didn't even put any
Speaker 4: instructions down, and I thought, holy shit, maybe I'm not
Speaker 4: the only one who's feeling lost right now. And so
Speaker 4: I spent the last year researching this. The science is
Speaker 4: fucking crazy.
Speaker 2: It's insane.
Speaker 4: So let me unpack this for you. Because it's bananas banana.
Speaker 2: I know, I was reading.
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm sure it's even I didn't even get
Speaker 3: to read the whole thing, but I was like, oh
Speaker 3: my god.
Speaker 4: Wow, here's the coolest part of all of this.
Speaker 1: Oh my god.
Speaker 4: The coolest part of all of this is that all
Speaker 4: of the programming for why this works is already in
Speaker 4: your brain and your nervous system because you have been
Speaker 4: high five in other people your whole life.
Speaker 3: Kids, we just know, like we tell them to do it, like,
Speaker 3: and then they do it, and then they can't stop
Speaker 3: because it feel good.
Speaker 4: Yes, We're just gonna aim all this shit back at you.
Speaker 4: It's the coolest thing. So when you high five somebody else,
Speaker 4: what are you actually communicating? When you go to hear
Speaker 4: you and I hi five. Oh wait, now see what happens?
Speaker 4: You do a shitty one. You gotta do it again. Yes,
Speaker 4: there you go. Oh, I gotta hit you too. So
Speaker 4: when you do that, what are you communicating to somebody?
Speaker 1: Good job? Let's go.
Speaker 2: Ye you got this, you got this.
Speaker 4: That's right. It says I believe you, I love you,
Speaker 4: I see you. If somebody's attitude's going down, you hit
Speaker 4: them high five. It's like, pick yourself up. I still
Speaker 4: believe in you. All of that programming is in your
Speaker 4: subconscious mind and it is fused with the action of
Speaker 4: a high five. This is called neuerroobics. I did not
Speaker 4: know this when I stumbled into this. Neuroobics is the
Speaker 4: fastest way to create a new mindset, to create new
Speaker 4: thinking patterns. And basically, when you marry a physical action
Speaker 4: with a different thought pattern, it plows a new neuropathway
Speaker 4: into your mind. So when you go to raise your
Speaker 4: hand to your reflection, you can stand in front of
Speaker 4: the mirror. And this is the best part. First of all,
Speaker 4: I don't want you to say or think anything when
Speaker 4: you do this. There is no mantra you need to
Speaker 4: have you can stand before yourself and go I'm fat,
Speaker 4: I'm worthless, I hate myself, I have an ugly face,
Speaker 4: I am damaged. I will You can think all that
Speaker 4: shit that you've been thinking forever. When you go to
Speaker 4: raise your physical hand, your brain pulls all the programming
Speaker 4: from your subconscious mind because it knows what a high
Speaker 4: five is. It doesn't care if I'm high fiving either
Speaker 4: one of you or my own reflection. It'll shut that
Speaker 4: voice up because the action has programming. You've never high
Speaker 4: five somebody and thought you're a failure. I hate you,
Speaker 4: I hope you lose. Ever, so it is neurologically impossible
Speaker 4: to beat yourself up while you're high fiving your own reflection.
Speaker 4: And we've had so many people now write to us
Speaker 4: and say, and a weird thing has happened, because energetically,
Speaker 4: your nervous system is hardwired for this. When you wave
Speaker 4: hello to somebody, you raise your hand. When you hug somebody,
Speaker 4: raise your hand, when you cross a finish line, you
Speaker 4: raise your hand. When you high five somebody, You raise
Speaker 4: your hand when you do it to yourself. That kind
Speaker 4: of really corny, weird little what that you get. That's
Speaker 4: your nervous system wired for celebration. You're tapping into that. Also,
Speaker 4: whenever anybody else has ever high five to you, your
Speaker 4: brain drips dopamine. You get the same fucking thing when
Speaker 4: you do it to yourself.
Speaker 3: M it's that validation, it's that happiness. Yes, yeah, that
Speaker 3: makes sense. I mean I think when I was reading
Speaker 3: that section too, and they were talking about like the children,
Speaker 3: yes to dip the study that they did with the kids,
Speaker 3: and basically that you know, the kids perform all the
Speaker 3: kids that were high fiving performed at a higher level.
Speaker 3: That made sense to me because I felt like as
Speaker 3: a child, like I feel like action is so important
Speaker 3: and for some reason, when as we get older, like
Speaker 3: we kind of lose that part of us, like validating
Speaker 3: each other in action. We just say a lot of things,
Speaker 3: and you know, we're told even even us, like we're
Speaker 3: told we tell our listeners, like you know, talk nice
Speaker 3: to yourself, like say thing like for me, like in therapy,
Speaker 3: one of the things that like my therapist helped me
Speaker 3: with because I had body issues, especially after I had
Speaker 3: my daughter, was like talking nice to my body and
Speaker 3: like it took a while though, because I didn't believe
Speaker 3: it for a while. It took me a while to
Speaker 3: believe it. Eventually it did work, though, but it did
Speaker 3: take longer. And I was reading about like, you know,
Speaker 3: the issues that you have with certain mantras or affirmations
Speaker 3: is that like you don't actually believe them halfway.
Speaker 4: Well, you experienced that, right, Yeah, So most people cannot
Speaker 4: stand in front of a mirror and look at themselves
Speaker 4: if for the last couple of years or decades they
Speaker 4: have hid in the back of every photo or they
Speaker 4: have gone ugh when they see themselves. They can't stand
Speaker 4: in front of mirror and go I love my stretch
Speaker 4: marks because neurologically, their brain has been programmed repeatedly to
Speaker 4: believe the opposite, and so repeating a mantra that you
Speaker 4: don't actually believe makes you feel worse about yourself. And
Speaker 4: what I love about the high five is, let's talk
Speaker 4: a little bit about the two experiences that people have
Speaker 4: when they do this for the first time, because we've
Speaker 4: studied this too.
Speaker 1: And what I.
Speaker 4: Love about the high five is that the physical action
Speaker 4: alone does the programming. So you're not only tapping into
Speaker 4: the programming that's in there associated with a lifetime of
Speaker 4: receiving and giving high fives to other people. But you
Speaker 4: are also tapping into something called behavioral activation therapy, which
Speaker 4: is shorthand for act like the person you want to become.
Speaker 4: So if you normally have a habit of self rejection
Speaker 4: in the mirror, picking yourself apart, which is self rejection,
Speaker 4: or not even looking yourself, which is self rejection, and
Speaker 4: your brain sees you high fiving your reflection, your brain goes, oh,
Speaker 4: we actually don't criticize that person. This is the person
Speaker 4: we cheer for. And as you keep repeating it, that
Speaker 4: picture of you, along with the dopamine and the jolt
Speaker 4: of energy, starts to seear in your mind and stay
Speaker 4: with you. And so it's an action that starts to
Speaker 4: prove to you that you actually do deserve support, You
Speaker 4: do deserve encouragement because every morning you're giving yourself that
Speaker 4: physical gesture, that means it.
Speaker 2: So for the woman who doesn't, who is trying to
Speaker 2: learn to love, their first stretch marks like, is that
Speaker 2: when she does that high five? Does she say what?
Speaker 4: She say?
Speaker 2: Nothing?
Speaker 4: No, And so let me tell you what happens. So
Speaker 4: there's only two reactions to doing this. I'm so geeked
Speaker 4: out about this, Like you, you cannot believe the testimonials
Speaker 4: that are coming in. Like we had a woman that
Speaker 4: wrote to us who is in a domestic violent shelter,
Speaker 4: extraordinary trauma from the age of four to thirteen. Then
Speaker 4: she escapes a wildly abusive four year relationship. She's lost everything,
Speaker 4: she's in a domestic violent shelter. She said, by simply
Speaker 4: doing the high five in the mirror and something else
Speaker 4: that we'll talk about called high five in your heart,
Speaker 4: which is an incredible thing for anxiety that in five
Speaker 4: days she knows she has a lifetime of healing. She
Speaker 4: has a long road that she needs to build to
Speaker 4: create her life again. But the high five in the
Speaker 4: mirror is teaching her that no matter what, she still
Speaker 4: has herself. And so what you're gonna experience is you're
Speaker 4: either gonna experience when the first time you go to
Speaker 4: do this, is you're gonna experience either a very positive experience.
Speaker 4: So you'll either laugh out loud that's the dopamine, or
Speaker 4: you'll weep in a very positive way. And it's a
Speaker 4: very positive emotional release because it's this joining in partnership
Speaker 4: with the human being you see in the mirror, your soul,
Speaker 4: your spirit, and this release is finally like, finally, motherfucker,
Speaker 4: you finally woke on, you finally see me, You're finally
Speaker 4: kind to me, and it's powerful. So it's really common
Speaker 4: to cry, But the more likely experience is negative because
Speaker 4: what most people do is they stand before the mirror
Speaker 4: and they resist it. And this is really sad, and
Speaker 4: let me unpack what's happening. So there are three reasons
Speaker 4: why people resist high fiving themselves, and it has to
Speaker 4: do with the two human beings, you and the human
Speaker 4: being in the mirror. Everybody brings their entire past into
Speaker 4: the bathroom every morning subconsciously, and it stands between you
Speaker 4: and the human being in the mirror. So if you
Speaker 4: are somebody like a lot of us, myself included, who
Speaker 4: has experienced childhood trauma, if you've been sexually abused, which
Speaker 4: I have as a young kid, if you have experienced discrimination,
Speaker 4: if you've experienced poverty, abandonment, violence, microaggressions, negative, like anything
Speaker 4: in the plethora of experiences that a human being could
Speaker 4: experience that have been done to you that you're not
Speaker 4: responsible for. A ton of people drag it into the
Speaker 4: bathroom and it makes them see a person that is unlovable, unworthy,
Speaker 4: or damaged. And what I'm here to say is, if
Speaker 4: you've survived that shit and you're still breathing, you not
Speaker 4: only deserve a high five, you fucking need one to
Speaker 4: heal because you're saying I see you, I know what
Speaker 4: you've been through, and I still love you, and I
Speaker 4: still got you, and I still encourage you. It's compassion,
Speaker 4: it's support, it's a healing gesture. The second reason why
Speaker 4: people resist this is because.
Speaker 5: The other part of the past that we drag in
Speaker 5: is all the shit we did that we don't like,
Speaker 5: which I got a lot of personally. The bad choices,
Speaker 5: oh yeah, more than bad choice, the lifestyle I was living,
Speaker 5: the cheating, the drinking, the addiction, the lying, the squandering
Speaker 5: of opportunity, the hurting people, the hurting myself, all of
Speaker 5: the shit you wish you could take back, stuff that
Speaker 5: I'd forgive the two of you for, somebody would forgive
Speaker 5: mel Robbins for. But when you stand in the mirror
Speaker 5: in the morning, you stand in judgment of yourself, and
Speaker 5: you refuse to give yourself the forgiveness that you need
Speaker 5: to move on and to grow. The high five doesn't
Speaker 5: wipe that shit away. The high five is I know.
Speaker 4: And I still love you, and I'm still going to
Speaker 4: be here for you, and I'm still going to support you.
Speaker 4: And it's a way to repair your self esteem and
Speaker 4: your self worth by treating yourself with the encouragement and
Speaker 4: the support you still deserve. And then the third reason
Speaker 4: why people resist it is because we have been so
Speaker 4: trained to believe, since we are very little, that you're
Speaker 4: only worthy of celebration if you're winning, when you get
Speaker 4: the good grade, when the team scores, when you're doing good,
Speaker 4: everybody cheers for you. And so you start to become
Speaker 4: an adult where you're like, well, I didn't get to
Speaker 4: the gym today, So do I still high five myself?
Speaker 4: But I don't weigh what I want to weigh? Do
Speaker 4: I still high five myself, but I didn't do the
Speaker 4: thing that I said I would do. Do I still yes, Yes, motherfucker,
Speaker 4: you still high five yourself every fucking morning. And the
Speaker 4: reason why is because you need support and encouragement to
Speaker 4: do the work to actually change your life.
Speaker 1: So fucking true, It's true. If you focus on the negative,
Speaker 1: it will literally consume you. I've been there, like, bitch,
Speaker 1: you're talking so much shit, Like in my head, I'm
Speaker 1: having these conversations like a crazy person, like we're going
Speaker 1: to get nowhere for just in this space, you literally
Speaker 1: cannot do better and get to the next part. If
Speaker 1: you're just dwelling on what you haven't done and what
Speaker 1: you're what you're not good at, or what you don't have.
Speaker 1: It literally does not work that way.
Speaker 4: No, it doesn't.
Speaker 1: But it's so easy to criticize ourselves. It's so easy
Speaker 1: to be like you, like you did good, but what's next?
Speaker 1: Like that was cool? Oh you got a book? Deal, cool,
Speaker 1: what's next?
Speaker 4: Well, I'll tell you why we've married, or at least
Speaker 4: I did. I'm married, whether or not I was worthy
Speaker 4: of love with what I was doing. And when you
Speaker 4: realize you are worthy of love because you're breathing, everything changes.
Speaker 4: So I think about our birthdays, right, what are we
Speaker 4: actually celebrating when you celebrate your birthday?
Speaker 1: Your birth your existence? Correct solely your existence, not your existence,
Speaker 1: and not your existence. And your book was the bomb
Speaker 1: on audible, not your existence? And you have a hot body.
Speaker 1: It's just purely solely you.
Speaker 4: You're here, Yeah, you're still here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're here.
Speaker 1: We forget that existing is the thing, you know, like
Speaker 1: whomever you believe in, spirit, God, ancestors, whatever the mystics lay,
Speaker 1: they brought you here and under these exact circumstances. And
Speaker 1: I think like a part of the cool thing about
Speaker 1: having this conversation with you is that you birth this
Speaker 1: amazing book and this amazing movement out of this dark
Speaker 1: place that you were in. But it's really the your purpose.
Speaker 1: You know, it's your passion. Because it's your purpose, it
Speaker 1: became easy, it got to this height of success because
Speaker 1: it was what you were supposed to the message you
Speaker 1: were supposed to tell the world. Yeah, and I think,
Speaker 1: you know, people underestimate that little thing you know that
Speaker 1: is planted, that seed, that's planet. That's like damn, maybe
Speaker 1: someone else is experiencing this because I needed to hear
Speaker 1: this for a shift to happen, like even for me
Speaker 1: and Erica. Like you're saying, like saying no to big
Speaker 1: brands and big court you know, people who come in.
Speaker 1: It's like when you know your purpose and your passion
Speaker 1: is fucking important, nobody can come in and put any
Speaker 1: dollar price on it and say give it to me.
Speaker 4: You know, I love that you're tying it back to
Speaker 4: that and let me tell you why. Because if you
Speaker 4: start your day by picking yourself apart and then thinking, fuck,
Speaker 4: I didn't do this, and then I got to do that,
Speaker 4: and you're kind of in this negative space and some
Speaker 4: big brand rolls in, you'll be like, oh, thank god, Okay.
Speaker 4: If you can start every day validating yourself, going I
Speaker 4: see you, I'm playing a big game. I got you,
Speaker 4: and you demonstrate it, that's the important part. You don't
Speaker 4: have to do the self talk. All you have to
Speaker 4: do is demonstrate it. Let's talk common sense. You're you know,
Speaker 4: you were mentioning the NBA study and we're going to
Speaker 4: unpack that cause I think it's important for people to understand.
Speaker 4: If you think about your favorite sports teams, they don't
Speaker 4: start a big game by going, well, you really sucked
Speaker 4: in the last one, and so I'm not throwing the
Speaker 4: ball to you, and oh shit, like we're gonna lose
Speaker 4: and why are we even bothering and oh my god,
Speaker 4: you look like hell right now? Fuck this, That's not
Speaker 4: how they start. They literally start by setting an intention
Speaker 4: about how they're gonna show up, and then they steal
Speaker 4: it with a high five and they send themselves into
Speaker 4: the game. I want you to send yourself into the
Speaker 4: game of life every fucking day, just knowing that, just
Speaker 4: like that, I.
Speaker 2: Just have this vision of me.
Speaker 3: My daughter had our kids had a soccer game this
Speaker 3: weekend and in the car, I was like hyping my
Speaker 3: daughter up, and I was like, I was like, what
Speaker 3: are we gonna do?
Speaker 1: Try it? What are we gonna do? Win? What are
Speaker 1: we gonna do? Quit?
Speaker 3: And then I like fifth pumped her yeah, and she
Speaker 3: was so pumped. And then this this weekend I was
Speaker 3: reading your book and I was like, oh, I did
Speaker 3: that for her. I do that for her all the time.
Speaker 3: I have all sorts of fucking weird ass handshakes with
Speaker 3: my kid.
Speaker 2: When the fuck do I high five myself never.
Speaker 1: Never, ever, It's so fucking important. And she killed it.
Speaker 1: She did so great as an adult. And I say
Speaker 1: this all the time. My damn life is difficult. I
Speaker 1: say like a lot. I'm like, how the fuck did
Speaker 1: I become an adult? Every day I take my kid
Speaker 1: to school and I get her to there on time,
Speaker 1: I'm like, yes, I kill on this shit. She cans there.
Speaker 1: My seven fifty five bitch has done it. But like
Speaker 1: it's because but it's because it's it feels like if
Speaker 1: I feel strange, you guys, I still feel like I
Speaker 1: can't believe this is I'm an adult, I'm someone's keeper.
Speaker 1: I'm responsible for you and myself.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I get scared. I'm like, are we gonna eat? Yes,
Speaker 1: they're gonna eat. Bitch, do we have somewhere to live?
Speaker 1: We have somewhere to live, check check, like you know,
Speaker 1: but like those are just the basic necessities of life.
Speaker 1: But like that shit is hard. People don't have support,
Speaker 1: like when you're when you're like the looming, like responsibilities
Speaker 1: of existing are so heavy. Sometimes we forget that every
Speaker 1: day is a win, every day is a gift. When
Speaker 1: we just said that this morning, like okay, like you
Speaker 1: have to wake up and it's crazy, and when you're
Speaker 1: saying when you're in the bed and you have to
Speaker 1: you had to five four three to you. That's something
Speaker 1: I use all the time because sometimes I just am
Speaker 1: sleepy and I don't know why I didn't do shit.
Speaker 1: I'm just tired and I can't. Probably it's depression and anxiety.
Speaker 1: But if I can't. Even since I was a kid,
Speaker 1: I've used like I haveing a countdown and bitch, you
Speaker 1: gotta get up. We got to do this stuff. You
Speaker 1: gotta do it or else you you can you'll die here.
Speaker 1: Well that's empowering, but like that five four three two one,
Speaker 1: make dinner boop. You got to go do it. But
Speaker 1: like waking up every morning, because it's crazy. If you
Speaker 1: observe yourself as a human being, some days you wake
Speaker 1: up great and ready to go, and some days you're
Speaker 1: just not great. You have an attitude. Shit doesn't feel good,
Speaker 1: and you have to remind yourself. I have to remind
Speaker 1: myself like, what are you panicking about? Internally? What are
Speaker 1: you not feeling good about?
Speaker 2: What is it?
Speaker 1: What if the fuck you're doing good? Everyone's okay, But
Speaker 1: it's just like you're we're so constantly in survival mode
Speaker 1: that we forget to hype ourselves up. We forget to
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, you're in a good, sweet space because
Speaker 1: for one at least, I know my purpose in this life,
Speaker 1: and like good moms, I feel like, okay, I know
Speaker 1: no matter what, this is my space. I'm supposed to
Speaker 1: be empowering. I'm supposed to change minds. But if I
Speaker 1: can just a little bit of change in someone's thought process,
Speaker 1: I've done my job. But like keeping that consistent energy
Speaker 1: every day is practice, Yeah, it really is. And like
Speaker 1: unlearning the trauma, acknowledging the childhood shit and then saying,
Speaker 1: oh damn, I'm fucking thirty three and I'm still suffering
Speaker 1: because I haven't done the work to just say it's okay,
Speaker 1: move forward from it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know what A couple things about that that
Speaker 4: I want to just unpack and really highlight for people.
Speaker 4: And it's this I feel as though part of the
Speaker 4: problem is none of us give ourselves any credit for
Speaker 4: what we're actually doing. Like, honestly, life is hard. You
Speaker 4: got out of bed high five, you made your bed
Speaker 4: high five, you walk the dog high five, You got
Speaker 4: those kids on the bossard to school high fucking five.
Speaker 4: Like you are not even recognizing all the things you're
Speaker 4: actually doing. And when you start to focus on all
Speaker 4: the things that you're actually doing, you start to feel
Speaker 4: a little bit of wind at your back. You start
Speaker 4: to build some small wins. You start to then feel
Speaker 4: more emboldened that if I can, I got out of bed,
Speaker 4: I got myself to work, I got these kids where
Speaker 4: they need to be, I remember to eat lunch. I
Speaker 4: got a couple of emails off. When you start to
Speaker 4: feel that now you are encouraging yourself to continue forward
Speaker 4: and to also start doing some of the bigger stuffies.
Speaker 4: Researchers looked at NBA teams and they could predict who
Speaker 4: were going to be the winning I came say winning
Speaker 4: ast teams at the end of a season based on
Speaker 4: one habit during the preseason, and it was the number
Speaker 4: of pats on the back and fist bumps and high
Speaker 4: fives that a team gives each other in the preseason
Speaker 4: that determines whether or not they're successful in the end.
Speaker 4: And the same is true about the teams that perform
Speaker 4: the worst. They have the least number of pats on
Speaker 4: the back and high fives and fist bumps. And why
Speaker 4: that matters is because these small gestures build partners, they
Speaker 4: build trust, they build momentum forward. And if you've ever
Speaker 4: had a halftime speech, or you've ever had a coach
Speaker 4: like just kind of rail into you and then high
Speaker 4: five you to shake your attitude back, you know exactly
Speaker 4: what I'm talking about. And so this is super important
Speaker 4: because I also think the average person does not feel
Speaker 4: like every day is a gift. The average person has
Speaker 4: an experience of feeling invisible, of feeling disrespected, of feeling stuck,
Speaker 4: of feeling lost, and I'm here to tell you part
Speaker 4: of the reason why it's hard to get out of
Speaker 4: that feeling is because you're waiting for some outside force
Speaker 4: to come along and validate you or say that you're
Speaker 4: worth it, some person you're going to date, or somebody's
Speaker 4: gonna like follow you or come up with like You've
Speaker 4: got to bring that shit back in house. You've got
Speaker 4: to learn how to validate yourself for where you are,
Speaker 4: even if it's not where you want to be, You're
Speaker 4: still fucking here.
Speaker 1: Because what happens we expect validation or put all of
Speaker 1: our you know, expecting validation from someone is what happens
Speaker 1: when they disrespect you. What happens when they don't tell
Speaker 1: you you're beautiful, you're great. Then you're believing you're putting
Speaker 1: all of your inside and.
Speaker 3: Your back where you started in the hands of somebody else.
Speaker 3: You're exactly back where you started. When you have the
Speaker 3: person in the room that knows you the best, knows
Speaker 3: you the most, just been through everything you've been through,
Speaker 3: because that person is you, and now's your look. She's
Speaker 3: looking at you and you're like, oh shit, you know
Speaker 3: all my shit.
Speaker 1: Oh you got me, you got me, of course you know.
Speaker 3: And then you add that high five, you add that
Speaker 3: action to it, and it just I feel like I understand,
Speaker 3: I get it, Like why it feels empowering, Why it
Speaker 3: gets you not only counting backwards out of bed, but
Speaker 3: walking out of the door to like do what you
Speaker 3: gotta fucking.
Speaker 4: Do because you're gonna face all kinds of shit all
Speaker 4: day long. And what's wonderful is if you start your
Speaker 4: day demonstrating that you like yourself. Even if somebody else
Speaker 4: doesn't like you or disrespects you, it does not change
Speaker 4: the fact that you like yourself and you respect yourself.
Speaker 4: They cannot take that away from you.
Speaker 1: I hug myself. I love that Sometimes I hug myself.
Speaker 1: I'm like something like because the contact, you know, like
Speaker 1: just for a moment, you know, we hug each other,
Speaker 1: and that feels good. We need to connect, but sometimes
Speaker 1: just like give me my Maybe that could be your
Speaker 1: next book, the five second hug.
Speaker 4: Well, I want to teach you this high five in
Speaker 4: your heart, especially since you said the thing about anxiety.
Speaker 2: That's I wasn't ask you next. I was like, please you.
Speaker 3: We can't forget about the high fiving heart because I
Speaker 3: need to know because I have, yeah, anxieties and something
Speaker 3: that I've struggled with I think on and off, but
Speaker 3: I didn't know what anxiety, didn't have a word for
Speaker 3: it for a long time. I think like the word
Speaker 3: anxiety has become I think it's always existed, right, but
Speaker 3: like it's it's finally people understand, like what the.
Speaker 1: Feeling is, what is it for you?
Speaker 3: Well, for me, like you said, your starts at the
Speaker 3: bottom of your your feet and go works its way up.
Speaker 3: For me, it always starts right in my throat, and
Speaker 3: I start to feel like I almost it feels like
Speaker 3: I noticed that I haven't been breathing, and a lot
Speaker 3: of it my anxiety starts to build because I'm holding
Speaker 3: my breath. I hold my breath all the time, and
Speaker 3: I have to breathing as a real practice for me,
Speaker 3: just normal breathing, Like Okay, I've just realized I just
Speaker 3: haven't really been breathing all day, And like I know
Speaker 3: people do this, like we have to do this to live,
Speaker 3: but like I'm pretty sure I'm an expert, Like I
Speaker 3: could hold my breath for absurdly long amounts of time.
Speaker 4: Do you remember when you first experienced it.
Speaker 2: It's childhood trauma for sure.
Speaker 3: My father, like you know me feeling like anxious about
Speaker 3: you know him, like me having to go to his
Speaker 3: house because I didn't.
Speaker 2: Really know him.
Speaker 3: And that was when it first started. When I'd go
Speaker 3: there and I'd be like, this is different. I don't
Speaker 3: know how to act here. This isn't my home and
Speaker 3: you're a stranger.
Speaker 2: And it would happen.
Speaker 3: He'd pick me up every like a few months, so
Speaker 3: I would notice like that's when it would happen.
Speaker 2: And then it would get nervous.
Speaker 3: And now obviously it's trickled into so many different areas
Speaker 3: of my life.
Speaker 4: Well, just any moment where you feel uncertain, uncertain, that's it.
Speaker 4: That's it. So I'm going to teach you something incredible.
Speaker 4: Do you do you experience anxiety too?
Speaker 1: I do? I do. I think I do hold my
Speaker 1: breath like I'll forget to breathe. I clench my jaw.
Speaker 1: I do that, my jaw gets my body gets really tight.
Speaker 1: I noticed that. I'm like, you know, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: what the fuck is going on? Why am I doing that?
Speaker 1: But I'll just even be typing like clench the fuck up.
Speaker 1: My body is so tense.
Speaker 4: And do you remember like when you first started experiencing that.
Speaker 1: Mmm, probably I remember like high school that I can't remember,
Speaker 1: just like tightening it, like my body getting really tense,
Speaker 1: just like drama with my parents, things that were uncomfortable
Speaker 1: for me that I don't want to talk about that
Speaker 1: I felt triggered by.
Speaker 4: Just yeah, got it? Well, I asked that because it's
Speaker 4: important to kind of understand triggers to get control of it.
Speaker 4: I'm going to teach you a science back technique that
Speaker 4: I call high fiving your heart. It's a lifesaver and
Speaker 4: it also helps with trauma. So the way that I
Speaker 4: think about anxiety is anxiety as alarm system in your body,
Speaker 4: and it has a really important purpose. So let's say
Speaker 4: that we're driving down the car or driving down the car.
Speaker 4: See the joints are kicking in. We're driving down the
Speaker 4: highway and we're just talking up a storm. We're playing
Speaker 4: eminem it's fucking awesome. So we are literally driving down
Speaker 4: the highway. It's an incredible time, and all of a sudden,
Speaker 4: out of nowhere, this freaking semi truck like fucking pulls
Speaker 4: into our lane. What you feel in that moment as
Speaker 4: you swerve out of the way and your armpits sweat,
Speaker 4: and your throat tents and your body's shoulders go up
Speaker 4: and your ankles have the hot flash go. That's anxiety.
Speaker 4: It's an alarm system that's saying, wake the fuck up, bitch,
Speaker 4: Like that's what it's saying. Like that's what it is.
Speaker 4: But what happens in your body when the semi truck
Speaker 4: pulls away and you realize you're safe.
Speaker 1: What happens releases.
Speaker 4: Correct because anxiety in that moment makes sense intellectually. What
Speaker 4: becomes a problem in life is when you feel that
Speaker 4: alarm response in your body and you're just making a
Speaker 4: cup of coffee in your kitchen. And there's also a
Speaker 4: connection between worrying, which sounds an alarm in your mind,
Speaker 4: because if you allow your mind to dwell too long
Speaker 4: in the what if this and what if that? And
Speaker 4: what if the other fucking thing and what, your body
Speaker 4: starts to notice that your mind is alarmed. So the
Speaker 4: body then starts to signal the alarm to And so
Speaker 4: you got to really watch your thoughts. And we can
Speaker 4: talk about this for the next time I come back
Speaker 4: I'll come and train you in like the hand to
Speaker 4: fist combat with your own mind. But for now, what
Speaker 4: I want to teach you is how to master your
Speaker 4: nervous system. Because this fucking shit is cool. Okay. So
Speaker 4: here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna take your hands
Speaker 4: and you're gonna put them on your heart. That's called height.
Speaker 4: Like right, I put them right in the center. I
Speaker 4: don't put it on like my boob or anything. I like,
Speaker 4: put it right on the center and press in the
Speaker 4: center and in the center of your chest. What you're
Speaker 4: gonna feel is you're gonna feel the vaguus nerve. This
Speaker 4: is a fucking treasure in your body. Okay. This is
Speaker 4: like a range rover in your system, and you just
Speaker 4: want the lottery. It goes from your ass, through every
Speaker 4: major organ, through your vocal cords, and up to the
Speaker 4: top of your head. This is your on off switch
Speaker 4: between fight or flight and being calm and cool. I
Speaker 4: already feel better, right, So when you put your hands here,
Speaker 4: we're going to take a deep breath. Now. I want
Speaker 4: you to repeat these three sentences after me. I'm okay,
Speaker 4: I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe.
Speaker 2: I'm loved, I'm loved.
Speaker 4: What do you feel peace?
Speaker 1: I feel a little at peace.
Speaker 3: I feel a lot more at peace because even talking
Speaker 3: about my anxiety gives me anxiety. So I started to
Speaker 3: feel anxious when I was talking to you about it.
Speaker 3: And at that, literally the moment I put both my
Speaker 3: hands here, I felt.
Speaker 2: Like, Okay, I feel like this is something's happening.
Speaker 3: And actually, our friend Bruna, she had told me something
Speaker 3: like I had mentioned that whenever she starts to feel anxious,
Speaker 3: she has to do this, but she didn't have these
Speaker 3: things to say. But it feels wow. Really, guys, if
Speaker 3: you're listening, do this shit right now?
Speaker 4: Yeah, you want to press here because here's the thing.
Speaker 4: And there are mornings when you know shit was going down,
Speaker 4: and I was just I would wake up and say
Speaker 4: this fifty three times. And it's a way to flip
Speaker 4: the switch between what's called your sympathetic which is your
Speaker 4: fight or flight nervous system, and your parasympathetic, which is
Speaker 4: your grounded I call it your cool, calm nervous system.
Speaker 4: This is your resting nervous system. This is where your
Speaker 4: power is when you're in your body, when you're grounded
Speaker 4: and so if you like, you can do it anytime
Speaker 4: a day. Teach it to your kids. It's free, it
Speaker 4: uses science. Repeat that I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved.
Speaker 4: The I'm safe might make you cry a little bit,
Speaker 4: because part of the trigger for so many of us
Speaker 4: that have childhood trauma is this sort of hard wiring
Speaker 4: in your nervous system that you're not safe when things
Speaker 4: are uncertain, because many of us weren't, and so your
Speaker 4: body remembers this. And so when you have this free tool,
Speaker 4: and I recommend five four three two one, get up,
Speaker 4: get out of that bed, because nothing good is going
Speaker 4: to happen with you laying there feeling anxious, thinking, overthinking, worrying,
Speaker 4: staring at the ceiling your phone. Once you're up, you
Speaker 4: can sit on the edge of the bed, or you
Speaker 4: can stand up, high five your heart until you feel
Speaker 4: yourself coming back into your body. Then you're going to
Speaker 4: walk into the bathroom, and as you're brush, I want
Speaker 4: you to right after you brush your teeth, because I
Speaker 4: want you to use science to remember to do this.
Speaker 4: We're going to stack the habit of brushing your teeth
Speaker 4: because hopefully you're fucking brushing your mouth and getting that
Speaker 4: nasty ass breath out, so you're not like spreading that
Speaker 4: shit everywhere. Now, let's hie five you to get that
Speaker 4: nasty ass shit out of your mind, body and spirit.
Speaker 4: Like this could be generational shit that's going to end
Speaker 4: with you. I was talking with I don't know if
Speaker 4: you guys know Jason Wilson, Mister Jason Wilson. He's incredible.
Speaker 4: He's in Detroit. I'm a Michigan gal, so anybody from
Speaker 4: Michigan is a family to me. He runs a martial
Speaker 4: arts what do they called a dojo in Detroit, and
Speaker 4: his whole mission is about emotional fitness for boys and men.
Speaker 4: And he and I are great friends. And we were
Speaker 4: talking the other day. His books are Cry like a
Speaker 4: Man and Battle Cry, and he literally said, and he's
Speaker 4: a real soft spoken guy, and he's got a big
Speaker 4: white beard, beautiful bald heads. It now now you know me.
Speaker 4: I'm here, I'm helping all these boys the emotionally fit.
Speaker 4: Now I want to raise my hand to my mirror
Speaker 4: and my dojo, you know, ma'am. I realized it was
Speaker 4: so hard because my father never did that for me.
Speaker 4: My father wasn't in my life. And he started to
Speaker 4: talk about how it really struck him deep. Even as
Speaker 4: self aware, as spiritual, as impactful as his work is,
Speaker 4: it hadn't occurred to him that he's always focused on
Speaker 4: what's next, He's never stopping to see himself, to celebrate
Speaker 4: himself every step of the way, because nobody did it
Speaker 4: for him, And so you know, I want you to
Speaker 4: do that for yourself. Look at the human being in
Speaker 4: the mirror. Create a trust in partnership with yourself. You're
Speaker 4: gonna that's the one person you're going to go through
Speaker 4: life with.
Speaker 2: That's your bestie.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I gonna make me cry over here.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I wasn't told enough as a child either.
Speaker 4: None of us were, because none of our parents were right.
Speaker 4: They were only doing you know, I'm not justifying anything
Speaker 4: that they did when I seek to understand what happened
Speaker 4: and kind of understanding that most of our parents didn't
Speaker 4: get any of their emotional needs met either. That's why
Speaker 4: they didn't know how to meet ours. That doesn't that
Speaker 4: does not excuse the fact that they didn't give you
Speaker 4: what you needed as a kid, but it certainly helps me.
Speaker 4: It helps explain it so that I can change how
Speaker 4: I treat myself how I can take ownership of the
Speaker 4: next fifty years of my life. I can break free
Speaker 4: of the habits and the patterns that are not even mine.
Speaker 4: They're generational patterns. And it's going to fucking stop with me.
Speaker 2: And you and your children.
Speaker 3: I mean, how do your children take and you know,
Speaker 3: all of your tools. I mean, because you know, kids
Speaker 3: were like so resistant of our parents. I know, even
Speaker 3: my mom, Like my mom created this an amazing tool, right,
Speaker 3: and she wanted me to use it, and I was like,
Speaker 3: I'm good with my hands, Mom.
Speaker 1: I'm cool.
Speaker 3: Fast forward twenty years later. You know, no one's using
Speaker 3: their hands except mel Robbins when she.
Speaker 6: Forgets her I forgot to pack, and I'm sorry, but
Speaker 6: I'm curious to know, like how your kids, you know,
Speaker 6: react to this amazing you know, education, vice, lifestyle, just
Speaker 6: you know.
Speaker 4: A gigantic eye roll at sometimes, but then they use
Speaker 4: it when they need it. I know they're listening because
Speaker 4: they call me and they call their dad when the
Speaker 4: shit is hitting the fan, and they are in this book.
Speaker 4: So there's in chapter four. As I was writing this book,
Speaker 4: I got a text from one of my daughters that said,
Speaker 4: why do I always feel like the ugliest girl at
Speaker 4: the bar. Now something that breaks everybody's heart. But it
Speaker 4: is the perfect example of the fat act that it
Speaker 4: doesn't matter what I say to her. I could tell
Speaker 4: her you're what do you mean you're not? Look at
Speaker 4: that ho over there, she's fucking hideous just the second of.
Speaker 1: Take a picture of the.
Speaker 4: Yeah, seriously, like I you could say all that, it
Speaker 4: wouldn't mean anything. I could. I could pump her up
Speaker 4: like I have. You're loyal, you're amazing, you're smart, you're
Speaker 4: hard working, you're beautiful, you're this, you're that, you're the
Speaker 4: other thing. Can't even hear it because she doesn't believe it.
Speaker 4: That's why the high five habit is so important because
Speaker 4: it starts with you. Your relationship with yourself is everything.
Speaker 4: You can think you're the ugliest person at the bar
Speaker 4: and then high five yourself, and that beat down silences
Speaker 4: because you still see a human being that you're going
Speaker 4: to encourage and support. And when you come from that
Speaker 4: place and you start an act of the defiant, it's
Speaker 4: like an act of defiant. So, yeah, fuck off, watch me.
Speaker 4: I'm not going to listen to this shit anymore from
Speaker 4: my own head. Like so you have to do the
Speaker 4: work yourself, because nobody can change your self doubt and
Speaker 4: your negative mindset and your self rejection. But you no
Speaker 4: one else can do this for.
Speaker 2: You, right.
Speaker 1: I think it's difficult to deal with self doubt and
Speaker 1: self rejection without giving yourself the grace. You know, we
Speaker 1: forget that, Like we can criticize ourselves all day and
Speaker 1: night when nobody's fucking perfect, But if you don't love
Speaker 1: on yourself equally as much, that shit's never going to
Speaker 1: come through. Just like if I'm talking to you all
Speaker 1: day like, you're not shit, You're not this book it's
Speaker 1: all right, I read it. It's okay, it's a five
Speaker 1: out of ten, you know. Like, but if I tell you, oh,
Speaker 1: it's good, you know, like if I'm always telling you
Speaker 1: talking shit to you, and then I tell you something
Speaker 1: you're not, you may not believe that.
Speaker 4: Well, it's interesting you say that because my daughters busted
Speaker 4: me as I was writing this book. They allowed me
Speaker 4: to share a bunch of like personal stories of stuff
Speaker 4: they were struggling with and something from our son. Not
Speaker 4: great parenting moments. By the way, these are not the
Speaker 4: things that are that I'm proud to write about. But
Speaker 4: it's interesting because my daughter, Candle, the one that's I
Speaker 4: here in California studying, said well, you know why we
Speaker 4: trash ourselves? And I'm like no, She's like, well, because
Speaker 4: you fucking trash yourself all the time. I'm like, what
Speaker 4: are you talking about. She's like, every time we take
Speaker 4: a picture you and we show it to you, You're like,
Speaker 4: do I really look like that? And Mom, we think
Speaker 4: you're beautiful, So if you don't believe it, why would
Speaker 4: we think we're beautiful? If we think you are and
Speaker 4: you don't believe it, And I'm like, fuck, there's three
Speaker 4: more years of therapy.
Speaker 2: Right, fuck, must write another books.
Speaker 4: Shit, well that is my brand of self help. Either
Speaker 4: fall in a hole or dig one myself and then
Speaker 4: I need a ladder.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, that's literally what all this businesses, everything
Speaker 3: that we do. We're like, Okay, what do we need
Speaker 3: to work on. Let's make it a challenge. What do
Speaker 3: we need to work Let's go on, we need healing,
Speaker 3: let's plan a retreat.
Speaker 1: Don't have sex you don't want we should stop having sex.
Speaker 3: Tell everyone's going to stop having sex with us? Like
Speaker 3: I feel that, I really feel that.
Speaker 4: What did you two get from this conversation a lot,
Speaker 4: like what's the most important thing you think you at?
Speaker 1: I do need to be better at looking at the
Speaker 1: person in the mirror, being kinder to that person, acknowledging
Speaker 1: why maybe I'm not kind, or acknowledging the things that
Speaker 1: are good. I'm getting emotional. I'm such a cancer.
Speaker 4: What are you getting emotional about?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think that I do need to
Speaker 1: work on being nicer to myself. It's like, internally, why
Speaker 1: does that scare you? I don't know. I don't even
Speaker 1: know why I'm crying.
Speaker 4: I'll tell you why, because this shit hits deep. Like
Speaker 4: the interesting thing about this book is that it's the
Speaker 4: stupidest thing on its face.
Speaker 1: I know, I will be honest. I opened the book,
Speaker 1: I was like, high five have it? High five yourself?
Speaker 2: What total?
Speaker 4: Everybody has that reaction because it's so pervasive to beat
Speaker 4: the shit out of yourself, and for a lot of us,
Speaker 4: being tough is a survival mechanism because we think if
Speaker 4: we get vulnerable or cry or you know, feel the pain,
Speaker 4: that that's gonna be even worse. Like I think it's
Speaker 4: hard to actually think about how much I fucked up
Speaker 4: in my life. That's why it was hard to forgive myself.
Speaker 4: I wouldn't actually go there because it was too painful
Speaker 4: to think about for just how long I hated myself
Speaker 4: and I was in survival mode because I didn't know
Speaker 4: any better. I didn't know how my childhood trauma was
Speaker 4: impacting me. And it's painful when you slow down and
Speaker 4: you see the person in the mirror that's hurting, that
Speaker 4: needs you. It's true, but it's also beautiful.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: I was thinking this week, I've been needing my dad
Speaker 1: a lot this week because he's been helping me with
Speaker 1: my daughter. But all he does is talk shit. You guys,
Speaker 1: he is the number one shit talking dad of the
Speaker 1: fucking universe. I'm like, can you shut the fuck up?
Speaker 1: Literally told him that's how we talk to each other.
Speaker 1: It's not healthy. He lily, He like had a key
Speaker 1: to my house because he did something. He came in
Speaker 1: at one o'clock in the morning. Me and my daughter
Speaker 1: are asleep. He's like, where's my backpack? First one, I'll
Speaker 1: alarmed as fuck, I'm deserving a truder. He's like, it's
Speaker 1: to me. I'm I guess up here. He's literally talking
Speaker 1: shit to me as he's getting it. You parked in
Speaker 1: a straight where are the keys? You? What the fuck
Speaker 1: would you park like that? I was just like, I
Speaker 1: gonna even respond, but I had dawned on me this week.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm so used to being talked to this way.
Speaker 1: I'm so used to being criticized.
Speaker 4: So is he.
Speaker 1: And it's true. That's how we talk to each other.
Speaker 1: That's how my family talks to each other. And it's
Speaker 1: not healthy, but it's normal.
Speaker 2: And it's almost like.
Speaker 1: If we get sensitive, it's weird, like don't you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? And it's it's probably my inner voice
Speaker 1: is that criticism, And that's a crazy, weird realization.
Speaker 4: Yeah, your dad is your inner voice. Like that voice,
Speaker 4: the way that he talks is the way you talk
Speaker 4: to yourself, and so it's not even yours. And here's
Speaker 4: the enormous opportunity. You're strong enough to withstand the eye
Speaker 4: rolls and the oh for God's sakes from your Fani
Speaker 4: family to be the one that actually shifts the way
Speaker 4: that everybody shows up for each other. It would be
Speaker 4: transformational for you to go, hey, I am tired of
Speaker 4: this life is hard enough. I actually need some love
Speaker 4: from you, dad, and I love you, I need you,
Speaker 4: but I can't have you come over if you're gonna
Speaker 4: ship talk me. I need something else from you.
Speaker 2: It's so crazy to watch your parents your dynamic with him,
Speaker 2: because they love each other so much.
Speaker 4: I'm sure they do.
Speaker 3: He shows up for her like he like, you know,
Speaker 3: I mean, I know that you guys have your ship,
Speaker 3: but like he's a great grandfather, Like he shows up,
Speaker 3: but he does he talks shit the whole fucking time.
Speaker 3: But he's like he's like, has this happy demeanor as
Speaker 3: he does it, so it's like it's weird. And then
Speaker 3: they're talking shit. I'm listening to the talk shit the
Speaker 3: other day yesterday I was like, you guys, I was like,
Speaker 3: you guys only get one daughter and one and one's grandfather.
Speaker 3: I'm like, you guys need to stop talking shit to
Speaker 3: each other. Yeah, you guys are talking shit. He's literally
Speaker 3: to be like help doing everything.
Speaker 4: He's can you give us an example? What does he say?
Speaker 3: He was just like, oh god, God, I wish my
Speaker 3: daughter would just get her shit together, like she's just
Speaker 3: you know, everything's everywhere, and like what was he saying?
Speaker 3: He was just saying, like, yeah, he did say he
Speaker 3: even acknowledged that. He's like, and the way you parked
Speaker 3: in front of the house, it was fucking crazy. And
Speaker 3: she was like, well, Dad, you're at the fucking house
Speaker 3: at one in the morning, and Luna's there too, and
Speaker 3: they're both lunas to his her daughter, so she's hearing
Speaker 3: them talk the shit and it's so normal for them.
Speaker 3: It's not normal for me because that's not how me
Speaker 3: and my family communicate whatever. We have our own fucked
Speaker 3: up communication. But that's a whole other episode. But it's
Speaker 3: more passive aggressive, so it's like secret nice. They're just
Speaker 3: like straight, straight to the point. And I was like,
Speaker 3: this is hilarious. It was funny, but it's not funny.
Speaker 3: But it was funny because I was like, they love
Speaker 3: each other so much, they're literally doing things for one
Speaker 3: another as they're talking shit to each other.
Speaker 4: Well, it's sort of like if you're raised in a
Speaker 4: household that speaks English, you learn English.
Speaker 2: True.
Speaker 4: It's where whatever the vibe, the language, the content, the tone,
Speaker 4: whether it's passive aggressive, whether it's a silent treatment, whether
Speaker 4: it's shit talk. And maybe another way that you could
Speaker 4: do this instead of like drawing a boundary is make
Speaker 4: a commitment to yourself and the game that you're going
Speaker 4: to play when you send yourself into the game of
Speaker 4: life with the high five is today, No matter what
Speaker 4: my father says, I'm not ship talking to him.
Speaker 2: Oh, do drive maybe say thank you Dad?
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 4: I know you're just worried about me. I love you too,
Speaker 4: and watch the.
Speaker 1: Time, which is also super hard for me to be
Speaker 1: to do that, to be nice to him. Well, sometimes
Speaker 1: it's hard for me to give words affirmation because that's
Speaker 1: not what I'm used to hearing, Like I can think
Speaker 1: about nice things and I'm kind. You know I'm kind.
Speaker 1: I'll do things for you.
Speaker 4: Well, do you know that you have the right to
Speaker 4: sit your father down and say I do not want
Speaker 4: my daughter to talk like this, and starting today, I
Speaker 4: need your help changing the way we treat each other. Dad,
Speaker 4: I love you. I do not want to go to
Speaker 4: the grave talking to each other like this. You show
Speaker 4: up physically, but emotionally verbally it's brutal. Can we work
Speaker 4: on this together for her?
Speaker 1: I'm so glad this is recorded. This is for me
Speaker 1: to you from health.
Speaker 4: Because trust me, he probably doesn't hear it. He doesn't
Speaker 4: know how much it hurts you. I don't know all back, right.
Speaker 2: It's how they communicate. I think that. I think that's
Speaker 2: so simply put. But I feel like that's all that
Speaker 2: really would. I feel like your dad would be receptive
Speaker 2: to that. I think he would. He's going to talk
Speaker 2: shit a little bit because it's just in his nature
Speaker 2: to talk shit, and it takes a second to do
Speaker 2: the unlearning. And maybe he needs to high five himself too.
Speaker 1: Well.
Speaker 4: That comes from like hardness and pain. I can't only
Speaker 4: imagine how he was talked to in his life that
Speaker 4: he does it so casually with you. And you've only
Speaker 4: ever known this, which is why you're accepting it. But
Speaker 4: you're no longer a child in his house. You're a
Speaker 4: grown ass woman in her own house.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 4: You're building a fucking empire. And you get to say
Speaker 4: how somebody talks to you. Now you get to say
Speaker 4: what relationship you would like to build with your dad.
Speaker 4: Now you get to say where this habit is just
Speaker 4: a pattern ends in terms of your family, and you
Speaker 4: get to say what is acceptable around your daughter. That's powerful,
Speaker 4: not easy, not easy at all, not easy at all,
Speaker 4: but you can do it and high fiving yourself and
Speaker 4: affirming that you're worth. It is literally going to help
Speaker 4: you do it.
Speaker 3: I believe that, and I would say the things that
Speaker 3: something that I've learned today two is that I just
Speaker 3: feel like being able to master my neurosystem I think
Speaker 3: is something that I'm excited to try and do because
Speaker 3: it is out of fucking control.
Speaker 4: Oh, when you need to not only for your mental health.
Speaker 2: It is out of control.
Speaker 1: Would you call it neuonamics idea?
Speaker 4: Oh, neuerobic syno is that thing. It's the nervous system thing.
Speaker 4: And the nervous system responds with a high five job
Speaker 4: heart you're talking about, yeah, yeah, And then your mind
Speaker 4: will get rewired with the neuerobic activity of high fiving
Speaker 4: yourself in the mirror. And you don't have to say anything.
Speaker 4: Just let all the science in your body and the
Speaker 4: programming that's already there work for you. That's all that
Speaker 4: you need to do. The other reason why it is
Speaker 4: important and this was new to me, so I didn't
Speaker 4: know this, But when it makes sense when your nervous
Speaker 4: system is on edge, your prefrontal cortex, the part of
Speaker 4: your brain that you're going to use to build this
Speaker 4: empire and to change your relationship with your father for
Speaker 4: the better. It doesn't work properly because your nervous system
Speaker 4: overrides it. Like if somebody all if the fire alarm
Speaker 4: started going off in here for real and we smelled
Speaker 4: like real smoke, not just joint smoke, we wouldn't be
Speaker 4: able to solve a math problem because the alarm system
Speaker 4: in your body would take over. We've been and you've
Speaker 4: been on high alert for eighteen months or longer. When
Speaker 4: you think about the last administration, right and the bullshit
Speaker 4: that you've had to deal with. We've all seen unfolding
Speaker 4: on television, the fight for racial justice. All of it
Speaker 4: just boom boom boom at people. Your nervous system is
Speaker 4: on edge. Everybody's is. You're going to go build a business,
Speaker 4: You're going to heal this relationship and transform it. You
Speaker 4: need this part of your brain to be able to
Speaker 4: focus and think clearly. That's also why getting your nervous system.
Speaker 4: I like the word you use, though it was like nero.
Speaker 1: I don't know, You're like nerve, neuros, zeros.
Speaker 4: Yes, what's the word that is?
Speaker 1: I love that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, You're like, when you get that in order you
Speaker 4: will be able to sit in a businessman like nope,
Speaker 4: because you will be in your body and in your power.
Speaker 3: I'm going to use it because I've been struggling, and
Speaker 3: I'm going to also empower my friend to you know,
Speaker 3: with us together, Like do these high fives?
Speaker 1: Yeah, We're gonna going to see its high fiving in
Speaker 1: every major event ever.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, I think we need a high five. Our teamwore David.
Speaker 3: I'm high fiving you.
Speaker 1: High never not doing a session without a high five.
Speaker 2: I mean, I've learned a lot.
Speaker 3: I've learned a lot about like, yeah, how do how
Speaker 3: to you know, empower the people around me as a
Speaker 3: business woman, as a mother, as a friend, and you
Speaker 3: know how to control my crazy nurse neuros nervous system.
Speaker 2: And I'm just so grateful that you're here with us
Speaker 2: and that we connected and that you that thank you
Speaker 2: for coming back, thank you for inviting me, and yeah, wow.
Speaker 1: Wow, this is much more than I expected. I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm like in therapy with mal right now. Wow,
Speaker 1: Well you know I'm not a license therapist.
Speaker 3: Every thousands and thousands of dollars worth of THERAPYT had.
Speaker 4: A question, what car did we pull?
Speaker 1: Well, it's funny you may ask. I was wondering we
Speaker 1: forgot to do. I let it ride. I'm like, maybe
Speaker 1: it'll make more sense at the end. The car be
Speaker 1: pulled was the seven of brooms, which is the seven
Speaker 1: of wands generally, and it means after the success of
Speaker 1: six of wands, you are now in an inviable position
Speaker 1: in our being challenged by others who want to take
Speaker 1: your place. You worked hard to get to where you are,
Speaker 1: but some people covet what you have and are prepared
Speaker 1: to fight for it. While it is flattering that they
Speaker 1: strive for your success, it also makes for tense and
Speaker 1: competitive environment because you need to protect what you earned
Speaker 1: and must continually prove yourself. It is a sad fact
Speaker 1: of life, but the more visibility you have as a
Speaker 1: leader in your field and the bigger your audience, the
Speaker 1: more likely it is that you will need to grapple
Speaker 1: with this kind of pressure. Others see your success and
Speaker 1: will either challenge your point of view or want to
Speaker 1: take it down. The seven of wants may appear when
Speaker 1: you hold a contentious point of view or wish to
Speaker 1: voice your opinion in a public forum. Be ready to
Speaker 1: support your argument and back yourself. Stand firm and your
Speaker 1: conviction of what you believe and why so that others
Speaker 1: do not topple you from your mountain of self belief.
Speaker 1: Sometimes this threat is opposition may catch you by surprise
Speaker 1: and you'll feel inadequately inadequately prepared.
Speaker 3: No, we won't because we're high fiving bitch, prepared for
Speaker 3: such a battle. I'm prepared. Okay, yes, but you know what.
Speaker 3: I'm safe, I'm powerful.
Speaker 1: But it's talking about someone in this translation, it's talking
Speaker 1: about maybe someone outside of you. But I think bigased
Speaker 1: on this conversation. I think the biggest lesson is that
Speaker 1: our biggest problem, our biggest opponent is often ourselves. And
Speaker 1: if you are not prepared to face yourself and face
Speaker 1: your dad and a shit talking or you know, your
Speaker 1: business or whatever parts of yourself that you're avoiding because
Speaker 1: you're drinking, you're getting blacked out drunk, or maybe you're
Speaker 1: having sex, or you're just sleeping and not wanting to
Speaker 1: get the fuck up out the bed or cleaning, it's
Speaker 1: really the part that needs to be tackled, which is
Speaker 1: in fact the person in the mirror.
Speaker 4: Correct all comes back to them, it does.
Speaker 2: This is good.
Speaker 1: I want to ask you something has nothing to do
Speaker 1: with any of these things.
Speaker 4: Sure, do you have a whory horr?
Speaker 1: We forgot to tell you because I don't think we
Speaker 1: were thinking about this, but it's a highly horrorsh story.
Speaker 1: Something you've done though was like very horrish. Maybe it
Speaker 1: could be with your husband, maybe before you're married.
Speaker 4: You mean, like the time that I was basically a
Speaker 4: port whoreor for a guy that was a Navy seal.
Speaker 1: Who stories what is.
Speaker 4: Like a groupie of the port No, meaning like you know,
Speaker 4: guys that are in the military have a different girlfriend
Speaker 4: in every city.
Speaker 1: Oh, so you're his what city you're.
Speaker 4: Well, I met him in Boston, but the real amazing
Speaker 4: hookup was in Chicago.
Speaker 1: Well, can you tell us quickly about the amazing hookup
Speaker 1: in Chicago?
Speaker 4: Sure? What do you want to know?
Speaker 1: I know what was so amazing about it? Was it
Speaker 1: like something something like you know what it was?
Speaker 4: I was in law school at the time and he
Speaker 4: was like fifteen years older than me. So it was
Speaker 4: the first time I had had sex with a fucking man.
Speaker 4: Like until that point, it had been boys and I
Speaker 4: was either learning with them or instructing them. This was
Speaker 4: like feeling like I was a fucking rag doll. Yeah,
Speaker 4: my god, yes.
Speaker 1: Your sub he was domining you.
Speaker 4: I mean, I don't know what he was doing, but
Speaker 4: it was amazing, Like I had never experienced that with
Speaker 4: a fifteen to a twenty two year old man before,
Speaker 4: and this was a guy who I think was thirty
Speaker 4: five at the time. I can't believe I don't have
Speaker 4: a venereal disease.
Speaker 1: From Maybe he wasn't as much as a port horror
Speaker 1: as you thought. Maybe maybe not, maybe not, maybe not,
Speaker 1: maybe with those moves, probably yeah.
Speaker 4: And then I remember having that feeling. I don't even
Speaker 4: know how to describe it because a couple months later.
Speaker 4: You know, of course, we didn't have cell phones back then,
Speaker 4: so it's not like he could kind of ghost meet
Speaker 4: because you couldn't really reach anybody. But I remember being
Speaker 4: out at a restaurant in Boston and watching him come
Speaker 4: into a restaurant with somebody else, and that moment where
Speaker 4: you are admitting to yourself that you actually already had
Speaker 4: the fantasy in your mind that you were send around
Speaker 4: and they were going to come back and marry you
Speaker 4: and you are the one, and then he's clearly in
Speaker 4: a relationship with somebody or you know. It was kind
Speaker 4: of one of those moments you're like, I basically want
Speaker 4: to die right now.
Speaker 1: Okay, I've been thinking about you for months.
Speaker 4: Yes, exactly, clearly you haven't been.
Speaker 1: We've all had those moments.
Speaker 3: Yes, well, mel, thank you again for coming on the show.
Speaker 3: Can you tell our listeners where they can get the
Speaker 3: high five fat Habit and you.
Speaker 4: Can buy it anywhere you want. You can buy it
Speaker 4: anywhere you want. You can. It's coming out in twenty
Speaker 4: three languages and counting by the end of the year.
Speaker 1: Hopefully graduate fucking relation. Thank you. That's a big shit girl.
Speaker 4: Thank you.
Speaker 1: But they're killing it.
Speaker 4: Thank you. You know what, when you work your ass
Speaker 4: off and you are out to make an impact, it
Speaker 4: all does work out. It may not work out on
Speaker 4: the timeline that you want, but when you stay true
Speaker 4: to what you want to do in the world, when
Speaker 4: you keep telling yourself that this moment is pairing you
Speaker 4: for something amazing that's coming, and you stay true, it
Speaker 4: doesn't all ever unfold the way that you think it will,
Speaker 4: but it does. What's meant for you finds you period.
Speaker 4: And so one of the things that I wanted to
Speaker 4: say about this is that I am so committed because
Speaker 4: even with the five second rule, which has changed the
Speaker 4: lives of millions of people. We know of one hundred
Speaker 4: and eleven people who have stopped themselves from committing suicide
Speaker 4: by using five four three two one. It is helping
Speaker 4: people reprogram triggers associated with PTSD. Pediatricians use it to
Speaker 4: reframe worries for kids you know who have anxiety. It's extraordinary.
Speaker 4: This book is only out now five days. I think
Speaker 4: it's going to be a thousand times more impactful in
Speaker 4: people's lives than even the five second Rule, because the
Speaker 4: five second rule will help you push through shit. This
Speaker 4: goes down to the fucking core of who you are
Speaker 4: and how you feel about yourself, and when you change
Speaker 4: how you see yourself and how you treat yourself, it
Speaker 4: changes your whole life. And so I am so committed
Speaker 4: to sharing these tools. I want to thank you from
Speaker 4: the bottom of my heart for having me on to
Speaker 4: introduce this stuff to your audience. But I want everyone
Speaker 4: to know you don't need to buy the book. I
Speaker 4: am reading the book cover to cover for free every
Speaker 4: single day online. We have started on social media. I
Speaker 4: read two or three pages a day. I then coach
Speaker 4: people because I want people who can't afford the book
Speaker 4: or find it to be able to use it. And
Speaker 4: we also created something called the High five Challenge, which
Speaker 4: is you just go to high five Challenge dot com.
Speaker 4: There's eighty five thousand people in it right now from
Speaker 4: ninety one countries. It is free. You do not have
Speaker 4: to buy the book to be in it. It's not
Speaker 4: even on social media. I got an app to give
Speaker 4: everybody access for free, because you know there's nothing. You know,
Speaker 4: Facebook groups are pain in the ass because you see
Speaker 4: the ads. So this is you go to High five
Speaker 4: Challenge dot com just the number five and you can
Speaker 4: jump in it any time you're hearing this, and for
Speaker 4: five days, we will coach you. We will give you
Speaker 4: journaling prompts, and you'll have this massive global community of
Speaker 4: people who are all high fiving themselves, uploading photos during
Speaker 4: each other on to get you started. Because for me,
Speaker 4: this is so much bigger, just like it's so much
Speaker 4: bigger for the two of you. Like, it's not about
Speaker 4: the book deal, it's not really about the podcast. It's
Speaker 4: about something you're awakening in people who are listening. It's
Speaker 4: about something you're discovering about yourself as you're sharing your
Speaker 4: journey in life and everything that you're fucking up and
Speaker 4: that you're learning. I so want these tools out in
Speaker 4: the world because they're free. They fucking work. I don't
Speaker 4: care where you live, what language you speak, how old
Speaker 4: you are, what you do. Everybody needs to know how
Speaker 4: to look in the mirror and support the person they
Speaker 4: see staring back at them. So thank you for having
Speaker 4: me on and buy the book if you can. If
Speaker 4: you can't, just fucking share this shit everything. If you
Speaker 4: liked this podcast, you share this shit. Yeah, everybody who
Speaker 4: needs to hear it.
Speaker 2: Please, and everybody does.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not a question. Let's just get it to them.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. S mel I feel like I
Speaker 1: have a new best friend.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, and you have my cell phones, so you better
Speaker 4: text me.
Speaker 1: Can I put me on the pretext holding Okay, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I was keep here for myself. I'm gonna put us
Speaker 1: on the group text. I We're supposed to have a
Speaker 1: drink for your birthday, but I do have shit to do.
Speaker 1: Happy birthday, drink with you, Okay. I'm so honored that
Speaker 1: you get to come on our show and share with us.
Speaker 1: You guys. She is shout out to Mark and Europa Agency.
Speaker 1: She's on our literary agency with us. We're so blessed
Speaker 1: to be like represented by the same agency. I'm like
Speaker 1: so much pressure. This book better to be fucking good.
Speaker 4: Oh hell, yes, and count me on your launch team.
Speaker 4: Yes when it comes out.
Speaker 1: Please, Wow, I'm so excited. You have a hell of
Speaker 1: an email list over there. Anyway, I hope everyone heard
Speaker 1: this and this resonated. I know it did. Please pick
Speaker 1: up the high five habit five the number, and don't
Speaker 1: forget to rate and review us because it matters to us.
Speaker 4: Give them fucking five stars. Don't you dare listen to
Speaker 4: their shit and give them anything.
Speaker 1: Lest don't be a take her.
Speaker 4: You know this was free, by the way, ran them