WEBVTT - Can You Be Friends with Your Ex? 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:04.240 If you're wanting civility with someone who's wanting intimacy, it 0:00:04.280 --> 0:00:08.520 doesn't work. If you're wanting civility with someone who wants drama, 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:11.160 it doesn't work. And I know you know who I'm 0:00:11.200 --> 0:00:14.320 talking about, right. You know you've tried in situations to 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:17.400 be the civil one, to be the peaceful one, to 0:00:17.480 --> 0:00:20.599 be the conscious one. But because they didn't want that, 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:23.040 and they didn't want that from you, and they didn't 0:00:23.079 --> 0:00:25.840 want to mirror that, it didn't work out that way. 0:00:26.160 --> 0:00:30.120 The Number one Health and Wellness Podcast, Jay Setty Jay Shetty, 0:00:34.760 --> 0:00:37.880 Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host, 0:00:38.120 --> 0:00:41.080 Jay Shetty. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'm 0:00:41.080 --> 0:00:45.280 so grateful that you've decided to reconnect, whether you're hiking, walking, 0:00:45.680 --> 0:00:49.760 walking your dog, cooking, driving to or from work. Thank 0:00:49.800 --> 0:00:53.400 you so much for being here. I was speaking to 0:00:53.400 --> 0:00:57.240 her friend the other day and she asked me this question. 0:00:58.080 --> 0:01:01.040 She said to me, can you be friends with your ex? 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:05.560 And my response was who are you talking to? And 0:01:05.880 --> 0:01:08.919 it's one of these questions that I get asked a lot. 0:01:09.680 --> 0:01:13.440 And when this particular friend asked me this question, there 0:01:13.480 --> 0:01:15.840 was a part of me that was worried, but there 0:01:15.880 --> 0:01:18.679 was a part of me that was open, and I 0:01:18.720 --> 0:01:23.600 think it's because for years my quick response has been no, 0:01:23.760 --> 0:01:28.240 not really. And then I realized how different this question 0:01:28.560 --> 0:01:32.840 was for people who had kids together, for people who 0:01:32.920 --> 0:01:36.360 had shared friends together. There were different versions of it, 0:01:37.000 --> 0:01:39.679 and I think often we can discount or dismiss the 0:01:39.720 --> 0:01:44.520 opportunity without recognizing the factors. So I thought it was 0:01:44.560 --> 0:01:47.240 important to do an episode about it because I think 0:01:47.280 --> 0:01:49.480 it's a lot more complex and subtle than we often 0:01:49.520 --> 0:01:52.840 give it credit for. Now, before we even get started, 0:01:53.240 --> 0:01:58.000 there are grounds for not being friends. Before exploring this question, 0:01:58.240 --> 0:02:02.080 I want to establish some ground rule. Not every X 0:02:02.320 --> 0:02:06.480 deserves friendship. Did your relationship end in a peaceful manner? 0:02:07.000 --> 0:02:10.880 Did your ex treat you well? Are they dangerous, volatile, 0:02:11.040 --> 0:02:15.520 or toxic and an untrustworthy person? Were you ever mistreated 0:02:16.080 --> 0:02:19.880 or did you ever feel unsafe? Were you disrespected or 0:02:19.919 --> 0:02:25.400 taken advantage of emotionally, sexually, or financially? Were you lied 0:02:25.440 --> 0:02:28.440 to or cheated on? If any of these things are true, 0:02:28.639 --> 0:02:32.400 I would avoid even considering becoming friends with your ex. 0:02:33.200 --> 0:02:39.560 But assuming things ended kind of mutually and acceptably or 0:02:39.600 --> 0:02:42.760 as well as possible, considering you did call it quits. 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:46.200 Here's a rule of thumb. You're more likely to be 0:02:46.240 --> 0:02:49.359 friends with an ex if you and your ex had 0:02:49.400 --> 0:02:53.560 a nice breakup. But here's the thing, it will still 0:02:53.960 --> 0:02:59.200 always be complicated even if things ended well. Understand that 0:02:59.320 --> 0:03:05.480 becoming friends than X is a tricky, landmind filled journey. 0:03:05.560 --> 0:03:08.840 How could it not be? I mean, romantic relationships usually 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:13.120 have their origins in friendship before they evolve into something deeper. 0:03:13.720 --> 0:03:17.239 You're now asking two people to maintain the friendship part 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:21.840 of their relationship minus the romantic or sexual angle. But 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:24.160 it's not as simple as going back to the friendship 0:03:24.200 --> 0:03:29.200 origins of your relationship. Friendship, companionship, and above all, trust 0:03:29.720 --> 0:03:33.640 are all core elements of romantic love. Ensuring you know 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:37.480 the difference is one of the primary challenges of becoming 0:03:37.520 --> 0:03:40.280 friends with your ex. I was on the Talk the 0:03:40.320 --> 0:03:43.960 other day at Today's show in LA and they asked 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:46.320 me this question as well, and what came out for 0:03:46.400 --> 0:03:53.200 me was emotional maturity and romantic clarity. Emotional maturity, do 0:03:53.280 --> 0:03:57.880 you both have enough maturity to not be envious when 0:03:57.920 --> 0:04:01.360 you see the other person with another person? Do you 0:04:01.480 --> 0:04:06.240 both have enough emotional maturity to let the other become 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:09.160 who they want to be, not who you wanted them 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:14.360 to be. And romantic clarity. Are you both truly aware 0:04:14.480 --> 0:04:19.200 of the boundaries that now exist physically, sexually, and in 0:04:19.279 --> 0:04:22.799 terms of intimacy or is one of you secretly hoping 0:04:23.320 --> 0:04:27.080 that you'll be able to make something happen when the 0:04:27.120 --> 0:04:30.480 other person's guards down. All of these lead to a 0:04:30.560 --> 0:04:33.560 lack of trust. They lead to a lack of stability 0:04:34.200 --> 0:04:38.000 in a friendship or in a relationship. Now here's what 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:41.640 the science says about becoming friends with your exes. A 0:04:41.720 --> 0:04:45.799 twenty seventeen research study shows that people chose to stay 0:04:45.839 --> 0:04:50.840 friends with their exes for four core reasons. The first 0:04:51.240 --> 0:04:55.120 is security. They make us feel good and show us 0:04:55.279 --> 0:04:58.600 that even in the wake of a breakup, our lives 0:04:58.760 --> 0:05:03.200 haven't been completely turned upside down. Right. We're all looking 0:05:03.240 --> 0:05:06.479 for security and safety, and our biggest concern, genuinely is 0:05:07.080 --> 0:05:09.559 who am I going to call at seven pm tonight? 0:05:10.160 --> 0:05:12.280 Wait a minute, who am I going to text? First 0:05:12.279 --> 0:05:14.680 thing in the morning. All of those things we think 0:05:14.720 --> 0:05:18.560 are emotional, and they are, but they're security based. It's 0:05:18.600 --> 0:05:22.400 not necessarily love or romance. It's a sense of safety 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:27.560 and security which humans desire. So deeply, and often we 0:05:27.640 --> 0:05:30.360 desire it so deeply that we stay in a situation 0:05:30.480 --> 0:05:33.279 even if it's bad for us. We want to elongate 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:37.240 and extend something, even if it's unhealthy for us, because 0:05:37.240 --> 0:05:41.279 it makes us feel falsely safe. Think about a time 0:05:41.279 --> 0:05:44.520 in your life where you've stayed somewhere because it fooled 0:05:44.560 --> 0:05:49.040 you into believing you were safe in one way or another. 0:05:49.960 --> 0:05:53.240 So one of the reasons we stay is security. The 0:05:53.320 --> 0:05:57.240 second reason is practicality. You like your ex, and your 0:05:57.240 --> 0:06:00.240 ex likes you, and both of you value each other's 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:03.560 in your lives, and this is a sense of like 0:06:03.680 --> 0:06:08.000 comfort or ease. So a lot of us are constantly 0:06:08.080 --> 0:06:12.560 trying to move toward comfort and ease, the path of 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:16.000 least resistance. How many of you have stayed in a job, 0:06:16.400 --> 0:06:20.320 a relationship, at a family gathering for far too long 0:06:20.400 --> 0:06:23.800 because it was comfortable and it was easy, even though 0:06:23.839 --> 0:06:26.720 it wasn't good for you. See, as humans, we almost 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:30.400 seem to lose our way. And it's interesting when you 0:06:30.440 --> 0:06:34.320 think about the pursuit of purpose that we're all ultimately 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:36.880 challenged to go on. One of the reasons we don't 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:39.360 take it is because we're just looking for security and safety. 0:06:39.880 --> 0:06:42.359 One of the reasons we don't take the pursuit of 0:06:42.360 --> 0:06:45.240 purpose is because we're just looking for ease and comfort, 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:49.440 and it feels in the short term much easier to 0:06:49.520 --> 0:06:52.360 do these options. And the truth is it is in 0:06:52.400 --> 0:06:56.160 the short term, it just isn't in the long term. 0:06:56.320 --> 0:06:59.719 And when it comes to a breakup, you just think, well, 0:06:59.800 --> 0:07:02.320 if if we just stay friends, at least things are 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:06.000 still practical, not understanding the complexities that come with that. 0:07:07.040 --> 0:07:09.720 The third reason that people want to stay friends with 0:07:09.760 --> 0:07:13.400 their ex is civility, otherwise known as keeping the peace. 0:07:13.880 --> 0:07:16.080 If you're walking down the street and you see your 0:07:16.080 --> 0:07:18.320 ex coming your way, you don't want to have to 0:07:18.440 --> 0:07:22.880 dart across the street to avoid having an awkward encounter. Right, 0:07:23.480 --> 0:07:27.080 It's just normal. Again, the path of least resistance. How 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:28.680 do I create a world in which I have no 0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:32.280 conflict and no tension and no stress. By the way, 0:07:32.360 --> 0:07:35.520 I recommend that sometimes we create too much drama in 0:07:35.560 --> 0:07:40.360 our life. Sometimes we basically are the directors of drama 0:07:40.440 --> 0:07:45.800 in our life, almost like we're directing a dramatic, tragic movie, 0:07:45.840 --> 0:07:49.000 and we just find everything to cause tension and stress. 0:07:49.480 --> 0:07:52.360 So wanting civility is not a bad thing. I get it. 0:07:52.800 --> 0:07:57.560 But often if you're wanting civility with someone who's wanting intimacy, 0:07:57.680 --> 0:08:01.280 it doesn't work. If you're wanting civility with someone who 0:08:01.320 --> 0:08:04.360 wants drama, it doesn't work. And I know you know 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:06.720 who I'm talking about, right, you know you've tried in 0:08:06.800 --> 0:08:10.520 situations to be the civil one, to be the peaceful one, 0:08:10.840 --> 0:08:14.120 to be the conscious one. But because they didn't want that, 0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:16.560 and they didn't want that from you, and they didn't 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:19.360 want to mirror that, it didn't work out that way. 0:08:20.080 --> 0:08:23.360 And the fourth reason, and by far the trickiest, has 0:08:23.400 --> 0:08:27.440 to do with unresolved romantic desires. You still want to 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:30.880 be with this person. You haven't gotten over them yet, 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:34.160 you don't know if you ever will, And you're thinking 0:08:34.200 --> 0:08:37.120 to yourself, if I stick around for long enough, they'll 0:08:37.160 --> 0:08:39.880 come to their senses that I was the one, I 0:08:40.000 --> 0:08:43.280 was the best one, and they'll finally realize what they're 0:08:43.280 --> 0:08:45.360 missing out on. Right, I'm just going to convince them. 0:08:45.800 --> 0:08:48.079 I'm just going to stick around long enough until they 0:08:48.160 --> 0:08:50.679 change their mind. And I know I can do it, right, 0:08:50.720 --> 0:08:52.880 I know I can do it now. That one's a 0:08:53.040 --> 0:08:58.000 very very tricky one because we're almost kind of creating 0:08:58.000 --> 0:09:04.880 an expectation without having that intention shared openly. And that's 0:09:04.880 --> 0:09:06.640 a really interesting position to be, and I find a 0:09:06.640 --> 0:09:10.520 lot of us have expectations without setting that intention. If 0:09:10.520 --> 0:09:12.360 you have an expectation that you're going to get back 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:13.920 with someone and they've kind of told you, hey, this 0:09:14.000 --> 0:09:17.000 is not happening, sure, you might be able to coax 0:09:17.080 --> 0:09:19.720 persuade them for a day or two, but it's going 0:09:19.800 --> 0:09:22.320 to be a hard battle. And because you're walking into 0:09:22.360 --> 0:09:26.880 it with a preset expectation, you're setting yourself up for failure, 0:09:27.320 --> 0:09:30.720 because you're setting yourself up to be let down. There's 0:09:30.760 --> 0:09:34.320 four ways to know that you're not ready to resume 0:09:34.360 --> 0:09:39.240 a friendship with your ex. The first one, your feelings 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:43.640 are strong and conflicted. In other words, you might still 0:09:43.679 --> 0:09:47.360 have romantic feelings for your ex, or you're thinking about 0:09:47.360 --> 0:09:50.520 your ex more than you'd like to, more than feels healthy. 0:09:51.360 --> 0:09:56.480 If so, pause, hold off, and postpone any attempts at 0:09:56.600 --> 0:10:02.280 establishing our friendship until those feelings simmeredar pass. You still 0:10:02.320 --> 0:10:06.520 meet up occasionally. If your intent on establishing a friendship 0:10:06.520 --> 0:10:09.360 with your ex. By definition, that means the two of 0:10:09.400 --> 0:10:14.120 you are no longer romantically or sexually involved. If you are, 0:10:14.520 --> 0:10:16.559 I don't have to tell you how complicated a factor 0:10:16.600 --> 0:10:19.000 this is and how much more difficult it makes it 0:10:19.040 --> 0:10:23.000 for you or your ex to move forward. Now. Number three, 0:10:23.360 --> 0:10:26.400 you're secretly using friendship as a means to get back together. 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:28.920 This is probably the most common one, and you and 0:10:28.960 --> 0:10:31.679 your ex broke up for a reason, probably more than 0:10:31.720 --> 0:10:35.560 one reason, and using friendship to re establish a romance 0:10:36.000 --> 0:10:39.679 doesn't address or solve those problems. Being friends with an 0:10:39.679 --> 0:10:42.520 ex can trick you into thinking that you didn't really 0:10:42.559 --> 0:10:45.360 break up, the whole thing was a dream and the 0:10:45.400 --> 0:10:48.480 future will be different. It's important to be honest with 0:10:48.520 --> 0:10:52.439 yourself and remember that your ex probably has the same 0:10:52.480 --> 0:10:56.280 strong feelings. Remember that if you broke up with your ex, 0:10:56.640 --> 0:11:00.800 that means something about your relationship wasn't working for you, you, 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:03.800 your ex, or both of you. If you're trying to 0:11:03.800 --> 0:11:07.640 be friends because you secretly hope your renewed friendship will 0:11:07.720 --> 0:11:11.080 lead to a renewed relationship, you may be holding on 0:11:11.160 --> 0:11:14.560 to false hopes. Only try to be friends if you 0:11:14.600 --> 0:11:17.400 can honestly live with the truth that the two of 0:11:17.440 --> 0:11:21.400 you are no longer together. Now. The fourth reason is 0:11:21.520 --> 0:11:24.760 you feel bad and hope that making a friendship is 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:26.880 a get out of jail free card. Now, maybe you 0:11:26.960 --> 0:11:30.320 did the breaking up right. Maybe you're the one who 0:11:30.400 --> 0:11:33.520 left them and now you're trying to I see this 0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:35.800 with a lot of my male friends. But they'll break 0:11:35.880 --> 0:11:38.160 up with someone and they'll be like, I don't want 0:11:38.200 --> 0:11:39.960 to be the bad guy. I don't want to be 0:11:40.040 --> 0:11:41.720 seen as the bad guy. I don't want to be 0:11:41.720 --> 0:11:44.079 seen as that one. So I'm going to work hard 0:11:44.120 --> 0:11:47.240 on building a friendship up because that way, at least 0:11:47.240 --> 0:11:50.800 you won't hate me. And really, I'm like, well, you're 0:11:50.920 --> 0:11:53.160 kind of making that person maybe hate you more in 0:11:53.200 --> 0:11:55.440 the long term because you're doing it for all the 0:11:55.480 --> 0:12:00.240 wrong reasons. Maybe you feel guilty and maybe you fell 0:12:00.280 --> 0:12:02.440 in love with someone else. Maybe you've found someone else, 0:12:02.480 --> 0:12:05.200 maybe you're moving on. So you have to ask yourself, 0:12:05.480 --> 0:12:08.840 who does this friendship benefit? Am I doing it only 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:13.480 to make me feel better about myself? If so, don't 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:17.959 right think twice? Too many people try to stay friends 0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:21.160 with their ex because they want to be seen as 0:12:21.200 --> 0:12:26.080 a good person. You broke their heart, you found someone else, 0:12:26.679 --> 0:12:29.720 you moved on, But you don't want to be seen 0:12:29.960 --> 0:12:32.920 as a bad person, so you want to be friends 0:12:32.960 --> 0:12:35.600 with them so that they see you as a good person. 0:12:36.160 --> 0:12:38.880 And so you're only doing it to make yourself feel 0:12:38.880 --> 0:12:42.439 better about yourself. You're not doing it because you truly 0:12:42.480 --> 0:12:45.200 want to be friends with them, and that's only going 0:12:45.240 --> 0:12:47.920 to hurt them more in the future. It might feel 0:12:47.960 --> 0:12:50.360 good to you right now based on how you're perceived, 0:12:50.920 --> 0:12:54.680 but not only your perception, how they feel and their 0:12:54.800 --> 0:12:58.360 heart will be deeply hurt in the future. And I 0:12:58.400 --> 0:13:01.559 think this hits very closely to why I partner it 0:13:01.640 --> 0:13:05.560 up with Match. And what I really found was I 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:10.600 wanted to create a space where people could connect based 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:13.920 on their values. And this was really really important to 0:13:13.960 --> 0:13:17.640 me because I feel that everything I'm saying here is 0:13:17.679 --> 0:13:23.520 because we don't realize that our core values have such 0:13:23.600 --> 0:13:26.679 a big impact in terms of long term success. If 0:13:26.679 --> 0:13:29.960 you ignore core values, you're thinking in the next five months. 0:13:30.200 --> 0:13:32.600 If you take on core values, you're living in the 0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:36.800 next five years. And for anyone who's interested and invested 0:13:36.960 --> 0:13:41.640 in building a long term, long lasting, powerful relationship, this 0:13:41.760 --> 0:13:45.880 mindset is huge. Ninety three percent of Match members say 0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:52.480 that shared core values are a crucial indicator of relationship success. Now, 0:13:53.000 --> 0:13:56.840 let's imagine that your motives are pure, how do you 0:13:57.000 --> 0:14:00.720 even start becoming friends with the next? So right, I'm 0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:03.680 gonna I'm gonna imagine for a moment, say that you've 0:14:03.679 --> 0:14:07.760 answered all these questions, you know, like I'm genuine. This 0:14:07.840 --> 0:14:10.920 is where real I care about them. This is how 0:14:10.920 --> 0:14:14.160 it's gonna have to work. The first thing is you 0:14:14.240 --> 0:14:17.560 need to take time. Healing after a breakup takes a while. 0:14:17.960 --> 0:14:21.080 It's rarely a question of ending a relationship. And two 0:14:21.120 --> 0:14:24.640 weeks later meeting your ex for an fsent brunch down 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:27.600 the block and your X does too. And by the 0:14:27.680 --> 0:14:30.960 time I'm not talking about and by time, I'm not 0:14:31.000 --> 0:14:33.440 talking about a week, a month, or even three months. 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:37.760 Experts suggest allowing anywhere from six months to a year 0:14:38.280 --> 0:14:41.200 before you even consider getting in touch with your ex. 0:14:41.720 --> 0:14:44.960 And even then, don't assume that because you've allowed so 0:14:45.080 --> 0:14:47.880 much time in your head to go by, that everything's 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:50.760 going to work out just fine. It may or may not, 0:14:51.320 --> 0:14:53.560 But more about that in a bit. Time is just 0:14:53.640 --> 0:14:57.120 another word for readiness, and readiness is another word for 0:14:57.200 --> 0:15:01.680 recovery and self awareness. About it this way, you've just 0:15:01.800 --> 0:15:05.480 lived through the death of a relationship. As with any death, 0:15:05.760 --> 0:15:10.560 you need to give yourself the latitude and introspection to grieve, 0:15:11.200 --> 0:15:15.640 adjust to a new identity, and begin moving forward. Let's 0:15:15.680 --> 0:15:18.960 see if we can define what ready means, and the 0:15:19.000 --> 0:15:21.680 best way to do that is by defining what it 0:15:21.760 --> 0:15:25.160 doesn't mean. Ready doesn't mean you won't have contact with 0:15:25.200 --> 0:15:28.040 your ex until you meet someone new and you can 0:15:28.080 --> 0:15:31.160 show your ex how stupid they were, because how amazing 0:15:31.240 --> 0:15:33.600 you are and how much better your life is now 0:15:33.920 --> 0:15:36.640 that they're not a part of it. Ready means you've 0:15:36.680 --> 0:15:40.720 been extraordinarily honest with yourself, that you can see things clearly, 0:15:41.080 --> 0:15:43.960 that you've done the work necessary to move on, that 0:15:44.080 --> 0:15:47.320 you have grieved the loss of your relationship and maintained 0:15:47.360 --> 0:15:51.160 what was great about it and what you learned. Everything 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:53.960 I just said also goes for your ex. It's not 0:15:54.080 --> 0:15:57.960 just about you. A friendship won't work unless both people 0:15:58.000 --> 0:16:01.160 are honest and trust each other, not just over the 0:16:01.200 --> 0:16:04.880 course of a single conversation, but as a prerequisite of 0:16:04.960 --> 0:16:08.400 the renewal of your friendship with honesty as the foundation. 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:11.080 Here are some of the issues that may come up 0:16:11.080 --> 0:16:14.320 for you and how that same honesty can help nip 0:16:14.360 --> 0:16:16.440 them in the bud. Now. One of the first things 0:16:16.480 --> 0:16:19.680 is unfinished business are you in your ex really in 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:22.760 the past. What are your motives in trying to become friends? 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:25.760 Are you trying to show him what he's missing? Do 0:16:25.800 --> 0:16:27.440 you really want to know what's going on in her 0:16:27.480 --> 0:16:30.760 life or even who your replacement might be. These are 0:16:30.800 --> 0:16:34.400 all natural human responses after a breakup, But that does 0:16:34.440 --> 0:16:37.360 a mean that can sustain a friendship. Be honest with 0:16:37.400 --> 0:16:40.560 yourself and with your ex. Are the two of you 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:43.920 really through or do you find yourselves stalking them on 0:16:43.960 --> 0:16:47.520 social media and playing music you associate with them and 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:50.200 that you used to play together. By the way, stop 0:16:50.240 --> 0:16:53.640 doing that? Or is it that you're too cool for school? 0:16:54.040 --> 0:16:56.400 Are you interested in re establishing a friendship with your 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:59.640 ex because it feels like the mature, grown up, calm 0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:02.800 and kell thing to do. After all, being friends with 0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:05.720 your ex communicates to everyone how much of an adult 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:08.399 you are, what a good person, how you're willing to 0:17:08.440 --> 0:17:11.400 put the past behind you and separate love and desire 0:17:11.440 --> 0:17:15.240 from friendship in a truly awesome, human evolved way. Well, 0:17:15.280 --> 0:17:18.359 here's my advice to you. It's okay not to have 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:21.439 a grown up reaction to a breakup. It's okay to 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:24.800 acknowledge that it's just too difficult, that you need longer 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:27.120 than a year, and that you might not ever reach 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:29.120 a place in your life when you are in your 0:17:29.160 --> 0:17:31.320 ex can be friends. I was speaking to a friend 0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:33.520 the other day and he said, the day I moved 0:17:33.520 --> 0:17:36.199 on for my ex was the day I admitted to 0:17:36.240 --> 0:17:39.480 myself that I would never move on. Let me take 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:42.600 that again, they said, the day I moved on from 0:17:42.720 --> 0:17:46.359 my ex was the day I admitted that I would 0:17:46.400 --> 0:17:50.360 never move on. Accepting that I may never get over 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:54.960 them is what helped me move forward. Admitting to myself 0:17:55.440 --> 0:17:59.000 that I'll probably always think about them is what allowed 0:17:59.040 --> 0:18:03.640 me to stop thinking about them. Realizing that I may 0:18:03.720 --> 0:18:08.560 never ever fully disconnect or detach from that relationship is 0:18:08.600 --> 0:18:11.920 what really allowed me to let go. Think about that really, 0:18:11.960 --> 0:18:15.199 really carefully. It's not pretending to move on. It's not 0:18:15.400 --> 0:18:18.640 faking moving on. It's not making it up or doing 0:18:18.640 --> 0:18:21.600 it because it looks good or people will respect you. 0:18:22.400 --> 0:18:25.960 It's actually being honest with yourself and authentic with yourself. 0:18:26.480 --> 0:18:30.760 And I get it. That's scary, it's hard, it's challenging, 0:18:31.359 --> 0:18:35.199 but it's the truth. Now. Naturally, what we often do 0:18:35.280 --> 0:18:38.520 is we wonder what others mutual friends, family, members might 0:18:38.560 --> 0:18:41.280 think if you and your ex were a couple for 0:18:41.359 --> 0:18:44.480 a long time, no doubt you're friends in common or 0:18:44.520 --> 0:18:47.119 an established friend group, as well as a relationship with 0:18:47.160 --> 0:18:50.080 each other's families. In the wake of a breakup, it's 0:18:50.080 --> 0:18:53.600 inevitable that some of those friends will take sides detto 0:18:53.760 --> 0:18:56.560 for family members for the sake of keeping the peace. 0:18:56.680 --> 0:18:59.960 It's natural to want to maintain those friendships, to act 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:03.159 though nothing has changed, and that everyone, including you and 0:19:03.200 --> 0:19:06.320 your ex, can still be buddies. After all, it's a 0:19:06.320 --> 0:19:08.800 small town where people are bound to run into one another, 0:19:09.240 --> 0:19:12.240 and you don't want any weirdness. As for family members, 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:14.320 you don't want their mom or their sister to think 0:19:14.359 --> 0:19:17.080 badly of you. Maybe you have a close relationship with 0:19:17.119 --> 0:19:20.200 the family that you don't want to give up. Unfortunately, 0:19:20.400 --> 0:19:23.600 friends and family members can be casualties of a breakup. 0:19:24.119 --> 0:19:26.800 Something big has happened, and your friends are coping with 0:19:26.840 --> 0:19:29.640 the fallout. Two and I think this is the hard 0:19:29.680 --> 0:19:32.639 part where almost your friends are acting like it's harder 0:19:32.640 --> 0:19:35.159 for them than it is for you. If you've just 0:19:35.200 --> 0:19:38.159 been through a breakup and you have mutual friends, and 0:19:38.200 --> 0:19:40.159 your friends are making it out that this breakup is 0:19:40.200 --> 0:19:42.560 harder for them than it's harder for you. Then those 0:19:42.560 --> 0:19:45.720 are not your real friends. You need friends who recognize 0:19:45.800 --> 0:19:49.320 that this loss is so deeply hard and difficult and 0:19:49.400 --> 0:19:52.159 challenging for you that they're there for you regardless of 0:19:52.200 --> 0:19:55.840 how it affects them, because while they are affected, you're 0:19:55.880 --> 0:19:58.360 the one who's going through the most of it. And 0:19:58.520 --> 0:20:00.400 I just really want to put that out there because 0:20:00.400 --> 0:20:02.440 I think too many people kind of feel like they've 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:04.000 got to be there for their family, be there for 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:06.359 their friends, be there for everyone else, when you're the 0:20:06.359 --> 0:20:09.320 one who's really grieving the loss. Now, one of the 0:20:09.320 --> 0:20:11.200 big ones that's come up for a lot of people 0:20:11.240 --> 0:20:14.800 I've talked to is the complicating factor of pets. Right, 0:20:14.840 --> 0:20:17.360 maybe you bought a cat together or a dog together, 0:20:17.920 --> 0:20:20.600 and you're used to spending time together on the weekends, 0:20:20.640 --> 0:20:23.560 three of you laying around or hiking or watching a 0:20:23.560 --> 0:20:27.639 bad movie while the dog or cat lazed in your lap. Well, 0:20:28.240 --> 0:20:30.680 one of you has got in custody of that animal, 0:20:31.119 --> 0:20:34.320 and it's probably difficult, if not wrenching, for the person 0:20:34.960 --> 0:20:37.960 who's now not only without a partner, but without a 0:20:38.040 --> 0:20:42.359 much loved pet. And that creates a lot of complications too. 0:20:42.520 --> 0:20:44.919 So for any one of your friends who's struggling and 0:20:44.960 --> 0:20:46.200 wants to be friends with their re ex, I just 0:20:46.280 --> 0:20:48.119 want you all to have a bit of empathy for 0:20:48.200 --> 0:20:51.119 the fact that there are so many factors now, Also, 0:20:51.160 --> 0:20:53.919 when you remember it's not all about you, there are 0:20:53.960 --> 0:20:56.760 two people here, both of whom are probably dealing with 0:20:56.960 --> 0:20:59.800 very intense feelings and memories, all of which will be 0:20:59.800 --> 0:21:02.919 try when that person comes back into your life. You 0:21:03.000 --> 0:21:05.440 might be completely okay and cool with you and your 0:21:05.440 --> 0:21:08.720 ex being friends, but have you considered them and the 0:21:08.760 --> 0:21:12.399 ways your reappearance in their lives might affect them. You 0:21:12.480 --> 0:21:16.280 may want a friendship with your ex, but they still 0:21:16.320 --> 0:21:20.119 want a relationship. You may be over your ex, but 0:21:20.240 --> 0:21:22.760 they still want to be with you. You may have 0:21:22.880 --> 0:21:26.679 moved on, but they haven't moved at all. Just because 0:21:26.680 --> 0:21:31.119 you're ready to be friends, don't force that person into 0:21:31.200 --> 0:21:35.440 more discomfort. They've already been hurt once. This will only 0:21:35.520 --> 0:21:40.159 hurt them twice. Remember it's not all about you. They're 0:21:40.200 --> 0:21:43.360 in this too. Now. If you do get this far 0:21:44.040 --> 0:21:47.399 in this situation, you have to establish the new rules 0:21:47.400 --> 0:21:50.399 of engagement, like what does friendship even look like? So 0:21:50.880 --> 0:21:53.840 as everyone knows, there are countless ways of communicating, ranging 0:21:53.840 --> 0:21:56.960 from social media to texting, the calling to liking a 0:21:57.040 --> 0:21:59.920 common and when you and your ex were romantically involved, 0:22:00.040 --> 0:22:03.960 you are probably in communication across the board all day, 0:22:04.080 --> 0:22:10.800 night long, conversation, short, and on social media. Now it's different, right, 0:22:11.280 --> 0:22:14.040 We all know that a flirty late night text message 0:22:14.359 --> 0:22:17.040 can lead to a situation where one or both of 0:22:17.080 --> 0:22:19.760 you slips and the next day you find yourself waking 0:22:19.840 --> 0:22:23.760 up in your ex's bedroom. You have to create ground rules. Now, 0:22:24.080 --> 0:22:26.119 the problem is when both of you don't respect it, 0:22:26.160 --> 0:22:28.520 And that's what you want to spot early. Does someone 0:22:28.560 --> 0:22:31.040 really respect the ground rules or are you always pushing 0:22:31.080 --> 0:22:33.360 them to do that. You might agree to text each 0:22:33.400 --> 0:22:36.560 other or email, or you could decide it's calls only. 0:22:37.080 --> 0:22:39.639 But here's the second thing. Try it out before you 0:22:39.680 --> 0:22:42.360 decide whether it works or not. Right now that you're 0:22:42.359 --> 0:22:46.800 back in contact, practice it. Try it out and recognize 0:22:47.000 --> 0:22:51.480 where that person stands on respecting your boundaries. Now, I 0:22:51.560 --> 0:22:54.639 also want to address this, what about children. A wise 0:22:54.680 --> 0:22:58.600 person I know once counseled her two daughters that they should, 0:22:58.600 --> 0:23:00.959 of course feel free to fall in love with and 0:23:01.080 --> 0:23:04.560 marry whoever they want, but they should be extremely careful 0:23:04.600 --> 0:23:08.480 about choosing the person with whom they have children. Now, 0:23:08.520 --> 0:23:12.360 why exactly did she mean this? Well, she knew, and 0:23:12.720 --> 0:23:16.560 any person with children out there will confirm it that 0:23:16.920 --> 0:23:19.560