1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:04,240 Speaker 1: If you're wanting civility with someone who's wanting intimacy, it 2 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:08,520 Speaker 1: doesn't work. If you're wanting civility with someone who wants drama, 3 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 1: it doesn't work. And I know you know who I'm 4 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:14,320 Speaker 1: talking about, right. You know you've tried in situations to 5 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,400 Speaker 1: be the civil one, to be the peaceful one, to 6 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:20,599 Speaker 1: be the conscious one. But because they didn't want that, 7 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,040 Speaker 1: and they didn't want that from you, and they didn't 8 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: want to mirror that, it didn't work out that way. 9 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,120 Speaker 1: The Number one Health and Wellness Podcast, Jay Setty Jay Shetty, 10 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,880 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host, 11 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:41,080 Speaker 1: Jay Shetty. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'm 12 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:45,280 Speaker 1: so grateful that you've decided to reconnect, whether you're hiking, walking, 13 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:49,760 Speaker 1: walking your dog, cooking, driving to or from work. Thank 14 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:53,400 Speaker 1: you so much for being here. I was speaking to 15 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 1: her friend the other day and she asked me this question. 16 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,040 Speaker 1: She said to me, can you be friends with your ex? 17 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:05,560 Speaker 1: And my response was who are you talking to? And 18 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,919 Speaker 1: it's one of these questions that I get asked a lot. 19 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,440 Speaker 1: And when this particular friend asked me this question, there 20 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,840 Speaker 1: was a part of me that was worried, but there 21 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,679 Speaker 1: was a part of me that was open, and I 22 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:23,600 Speaker 1: think it's because for years my quick response has been no, 23 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:28,240 Speaker 1: not really. And then I realized how different this question 24 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,840 Speaker 1: was for people who had kids together, for people who 25 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:36,360 Speaker 1: had shared friends together. There were different versions of it, 26 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,679 Speaker 1: and I think often we can discount or dismiss the 27 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 1: opportunity without recognizing the factors. So I thought it was 28 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:47,240 Speaker 1: important to do an episode about it because I think 29 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,480 Speaker 1: it's a lot more complex and subtle than we often 30 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:52,840 Speaker 1: give it credit for. Now, before we even get started, 31 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:58,000 Speaker 1: there are grounds for not being friends. Before exploring this question, 32 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:02,080 Speaker 1: I want to establish some ground rule. Not every X 33 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 1: deserves friendship. Did your relationship end in a peaceful manner? 34 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:10,880 Speaker 1: Did your ex treat you well? Are they dangerous, volatile, 35 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:15,520 Speaker 1: or toxic and an untrustworthy person? Were you ever mistreated 36 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:19,880 Speaker 1: or did you ever feel unsafe? Were you disrespected or 37 00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:25,400 Speaker 1: taken advantage of emotionally, sexually, or financially? Were you lied 38 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,440 Speaker 1: to or cheated on? If any of these things are true, 39 00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:32,400 Speaker 1: I would avoid even considering becoming friends with your ex. 40 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 1: But assuming things ended kind of mutually and acceptably or 41 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:42,760 Speaker 1: as well as possible, considering you did call it quits. 42 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,200 Speaker 1: Here's a rule of thumb. You're more likely to be 43 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:49,359 Speaker 1: friends with an ex if you and your ex had 44 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:53,560 Speaker 1: a nice breakup. But here's the thing, it will still 45 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:59,200 Speaker 1: always be complicated even if things ended well. Understand that 46 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:05,480 Speaker 1: becoming friends than X is a tricky, landmind filled journey. 47 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,840 Speaker 1: How could it not be? I mean, romantic relationships usually 48 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:13,120 Speaker 1: have their origins in friendship before they evolve into something deeper. 49 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,239 Speaker 1: You're now asking two people to maintain the friendship part 50 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: of their relationship minus the romantic or sexual angle. But 51 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 1: it's not as simple as going back to the friendship 52 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:29,200 Speaker 1: origins of your relationship. Friendship, companionship, and above all, trust 53 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:33,640 Speaker 1: are all core elements of romantic love. Ensuring you know 54 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,480 Speaker 1: the difference is one of the primary challenges of becoming 55 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,280 Speaker 1: friends with your ex. I was on the Talk the 56 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,960 Speaker 1: other day at Today's show in LA and they asked 57 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,320 Speaker 1: me this question as well, and what came out for 58 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:53,200 Speaker 1: me was emotional maturity and romantic clarity. Emotional maturity, do 59 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:57,880 Speaker 1: you both have enough maturity to not be envious when 60 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,360 Speaker 1: you see the other person with another person? Do you 61 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 1: both have enough emotional maturity to let the other become 62 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 1: who they want to be, not who you wanted them 63 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:14,360 Speaker 1: to be. And romantic clarity. Are you both truly aware 64 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 1: of the boundaries that now exist physically, sexually, and in 65 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:22,799 Speaker 1: terms of intimacy or is one of you secretly hoping 66 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:27,080 Speaker 1: that you'll be able to make something happen when the 67 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,480 Speaker 1: other person's guards down. All of these lead to a 68 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,560 Speaker 1: lack of trust. They lead to a lack of stability 69 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 1: in a friendship or in a relationship. Now here's what 70 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,640 Speaker 1: the science says about becoming friends with your exes. A 71 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:45,799 Speaker 1: twenty seventeen research study shows that people chose to stay 72 00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:50,840 Speaker 1: friends with their exes for four core reasons. The first 73 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:55,120 Speaker 1: is security. They make us feel good and show us 74 00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:58,600 Speaker 1: that even in the wake of a breakup, our lives 75 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:03,200 Speaker 1: haven't been completely turned upside down. Right. We're all looking 76 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,479 Speaker 1: for security and safety, and our biggest concern, genuinely is 77 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,559 Speaker 1: who am I going to call at seven pm tonight? 78 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,280 Speaker 1: Wait a minute, who am I going to text? First 79 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:14,680 Speaker 1: thing in the morning. All of those things we think 80 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:18,560 Speaker 1: are emotional, and they are, but they're security based. It's 81 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:22,400 Speaker 1: not necessarily love or romance. It's a sense of safety 82 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:27,560 Speaker 1: and security which humans desire. So deeply, and often we 83 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,360 Speaker 1: desire it so deeply that we stay in a situation 84 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,279 Speaker 1: even if it's bad for us. We want to elongate 85 00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 1: and extend something, even if it's unhealthy for us, because 86 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:41,279 Speaker 1: it makes us feel falsely safe. Think about a time 87 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:44,520 Speaker 1: in your life where you've stayed somewhere because it fooled 88 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:49,040 Speaker 1: you into believing you were safe in one way or another. 89 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,240 Speaker 1: So one of the reasons we stay is security. The 90 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:57,240 Speaker 1: second reason is practicality. You like your ex, and your 91 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:00,240 Speaker 1: ex likes you, and both of you value each other's 92 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,560 Speaker 1: in your lives, and this is a sense of like 93 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:08,000 Speaker 1: comfort or ease. So a lot of us are constantly 94 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:12,560 Speaker 1: trying to move toward comfort and ease, the path of 95 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 1: least resistance. How many of you have stayed in a job, 96 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 1: a relationship, at a family gathering for far too long 97 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,800 Speaker 1: because it was comfortable and it was easy, even though 98 00:06:23,839 --> 00:06:26,720 Speaker 1: it wasn't good for you. See, as humans, we almost 99 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:30,400 Speaker 1: seem to lose our way. And it's interesting when you 100 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 1: think about the pursuit of purpose that we're all ultimately 101 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:36,880 Speaker 1: challenged to go on. One of the reasons we don't 102 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,360 Speaker 1: take it is because we're just looking for security and safety. 103 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,359 Speaker 1: One of the reasons we don't take the pursuit of 104 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,240 Speaker 1: purpose is because we're just looking for ease and comfort, 105 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:49,440 Speaker 1: and it feels in the short term much easier to 106 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:52,360 Speaker 1: do these options. And the truth is it is in 107 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:56,160 Speaker 1: the short term, it just isn't in the long term. 108 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:59,719 Speaker 1: And when it comes to a breakup, you just think, well, 109 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 1: if if we just stay friends, at least things are 110 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:06,000 Speaker 1: still practical, not understanding the complexities that come with that. 111 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 1: The third reason that people want to stay friends with 112 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:13,400 Speaker 1: their ex is civility, otherwise known as keeping the peace. 113 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 1: If you're walking down the street and you see your 114 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,320 Speaker 1: ex coming your way, you don't want to have to 115 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:22,880 Speaker 1: dart across the street to avoid having an awkward encounter. Right, 116 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 1: It's just normal. Again, the path of least resistance. How 117 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,680 Speaker 1: do I create a world in which I have no 118 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:32,280 Speaker 1: conflict and no tension and no stress. By the way, 119 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,520 Speaker 1: I recommend that sometimes we create too much drama in 120 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:40,360 Speaker 1: our life. Sometimes we basically are the directors of drama 121 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 1: in our life, almost like we're directing a dramatic, tragic movie, 122 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,000 Speaker 1: and we just find everything to cause tension and stress. 123 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,360 Speaker 1: So wanting civility is not a bad thing. I get it. 124 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:57,560 Speaker 1: But often if you're wanting civility with someone who's wanting intimacy, 125 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:01,280 Speaker 1: it doesn't work. If you're wanting civility with someone who 126 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:04,360 Speaker 1: wants drama, it doesn't work. And I know you know 127 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,720 Speaker 1: who I'm talking about, right, you know you've tried in 128 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:10,520 Speaker 1: situations to be the civil one, to be the peaceful one, 129 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:14,120 Speaker 1: to be the conscious one. But because they didn't want that, 130 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,560 Speaker 1: and they didn't want that from you, and they didn't 131 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,360 Speaker 1: want to mirror that, it didn't work out that way. 132 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,360 Speaker 1: And the fourth reason, and by far the trickiest, has 133 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 1: to do with unresolved romantic desires. You still want to 134 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 1: be with this person. You haven't gotten over them yet, 135 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 1: you don't know if you ever will, And you're thinking 136 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,120 Speaker 1: to yourself, if I stick around for long enough, they'll 137 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,880 Speaker 1: come to their senses that I was the one, I 138 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,280 Speaker 1: was the best one, and they'll finally realize what they're 139 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,360 Speaker 1: missing out on. Right, I'm just going to convince them. 140 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,079 Speaker 1: I'm just going to stick around long enough until they 141 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,679 Speaker 1: change their mind. And I know I can do it, right, 142 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,880 Speaker 1: I know I can do it now. That one's a 143 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:58,000 Speaker 1: very very tricky one because we're almost kind of creating 144 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:04,880 Speaker 1: an expectation without having that intention shared openly. And that's 145 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,640 Speaker 1: a really interesting position to be, and I find a 146 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:10,520 Speaker 1: lot of us have expectations without setting that intention. If 147 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 1: you have an expectation that you're going to get back 148 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 1: with someone and they've kind of told you, hey, this 149 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,000 Speaker 1: is not happening, sure, you might be able to coax 150 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,720 Speaker 1: persuade them for a day or two, but it's going 151 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,320 Speaker 1: to be a hard battle. And because you're walking into 152 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 1: it with a preset expectation, you're setting yourself up for failure, 153 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:30,720 Speaker 1: because you're setting yourself up to be let down. There's 154 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:34,320 Speaker 1: four ways to know that you're not ready to resume 155 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:39,240 Speaker 1: a friendship with your ex. The first one, your feelings 156 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:43,640 Speaker 1: are strong and conflicted. In other words, you might still 157 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:47,360 Speaker 1: have romantic feelings for your ex, or you're thinking about 158 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,520 Speaker 1: your ex more than you'd like to, more than feels healthy. 159 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:56,480 Speaker 1: If so, pause, hold off, and postpone any attempts at 160 00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:02,280 Speaker 1: establishing our friendship until those feelings simmeredar pass. You still 161 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:06,520 Speaker 1: meet up occasionally. If your intent on establishing a friendship 162 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,360 Speaker 1: with your ex. By definition, that means the two of 163 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:14,120 Speaker 1: you are no longer romantically or sexually involved. If you are, 164 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,559 Speaker 1: I don't have to tell you how complicated a factor 165 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,000 Speaker 1: this is and how much more difficult it makes it 166 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:23,000 Speaker 1: for you or your ex to move forward. Now. Number three, 167 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:26,400 Speaker 1: you're secretly using friendship as a means to get back together. 168 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: This is probably the most common one, and you and 169 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,679 Speaker 1: your ex broke up for a reason, probably more than 170 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:35,560 Speaker 1: one reason, and using friendship to re establish a romance 171 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:39,679 Speaker 1: doesn't address or solve those problems. Being friends with an 172 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:42,520 Speaker 1: ex can trick you into thinking that you didn't really 173 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,360 Speaker 1: break up, the whole thing was a dream and the 174 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,480 Speaker 1: future will be different. It's important to be honest with 175 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:52,439 Speaker 1: yourself and remember that your ex probably has the same 176 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:56,280 Speaker 1: strong feelings. Remember that if you broke up with your ex, 177 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,800 Speaker 1: that means something about your relationship wasn't working for you, you, 178 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 1: your ex, or both of you. If you're trying to 179 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,640 Speaker 1: be friends because you secretly hope your renewed friendship will 180 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:11,080 Speaker 1: lead to a renewed relationship, you may be holding on 181 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,560 Speaker 1: to false hopes. Only try to be friends if you 182 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,400 Speaker 1: can honestly live with the truth that the two of 183 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:21,400 Speaker 1: you are no longer together. Now. The fourth reason is 184 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:24,760 Speaker 1: you feel bad and hope that making a friendship is 185 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,880 Speaker 1: a get out of jail free card. Now, maybe you 186 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,320 Speaker 1: did the breaking up right. Maybe you're the one who 187 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,520 Speaker 1: left them and now you're trying to I see this 188 00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,800 Speaker 1: with a lot of my male friends. But they'll break 189 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,160 Speaker 1: up with someone and they'll be like, I don't want 190 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,960 Speaker 1: to be the bad guy. I don't want to be 191 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,720 Speaker 1: seen as the bad guy. I don't want to be 192 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,079 Speaker 1: seen as that one. So I'm going to work hard 193 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:47,240 Speaker 1: on building a friendship up because that way, at least 194 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,800 Speaker 1: you won't hate me. And really, I'm like, well, you're 195 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,160 Speaker 1: kind of making that person maybe hate you more in 196 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,440 Speaker 1: the long term because you're doing it for all the 197 00:11:55,480 --> 00:12:00,240 Speaker 1: wrong reasons. Maybe you feel guilty and maybe you fell 198 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,440 Speaker 1: in love with someone else. Maybe you've found someone else, 199 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:05,200 Speaker 1: maybe you're moving on. So you have to ask yourself, 200 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,840 Speaker 1: who does this friendship benefit? Am I doing it only 201 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:13,480 Speaker 1: to make me feel better about myself? If so, don't 202 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:17,959 Speaker 1: right think twice? Too many people try to stay friends 203 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:21,160 Speaker 1: with their ex because they want to be seen as 204 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:26,080 Speaker 1: a good person. You broke their heart, you found someone else, 205 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: you moved on, But you don't want to be seen 206 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,920 Speaker 1: as a bad person, so you want to be friends 207 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,600 Speaker 1: with them so that they see you as a good person. 208 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,880 Speaker 1: And so you're only doing it to make yourself feel 209 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,439 Speaker 1: better about yourself. You're not doing it because you truly 210 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,200 Speaker 1: want to be friends with them, and that's only going 211 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,920 Speaker 1: to hurt them more in the future. It might feel 212 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,360 Speaker 1: good to you right now based on how you're perceived, 213 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:54,680 Speaker 1: but not only your perception, how they feel and their 214 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:58,360 Speaker 1: heart will be deeply hurt in the future. And I 215 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:01,559 Speaker 1: think this hits very closely to why I partner it 216 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,560 Speaker 1: up with Match. And what I really found was I 217 00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:10,600 Speaker 1: wanted to create a space where people could connect based 218 00:13:10,679 --> 00:13:13,920 Speaker 1: on their values. And this was really really important to 219 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,640 Speaker 1: me because I feel that everything I'm saying here is 220 00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:23,520 Speaker 1: because we don't realize that our core values have such 221 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,679 Speaker 1: a big impact in terms of long term success. If 222 00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:29,960 Speaker 1: you ignore core values, you're thinking in the next five months. 223 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,600 Speaker 1: If you take on core values, you're living in the 224 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:36,800 Speaker 1: next five years. And for anyone who's interested and invested 225 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:41,640 Speaker 1: in building a long term, long lasting, powerful relationship, this 226 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:45,880 Speaker 1: mindset is huge. Ninety three percent of Match members say 227 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:52,480 Speaker 1: that shared core values are a crucial indicator of relationship success. Now, 228 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,840 Speaker 1: let's imagine that your motives are pure, how do you 229 00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,720 Speaker 1: even start becoming friends with the next? So right, I'm 230 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,680 Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna imagine for a moment, say that you've 231 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:07,760 Speaker 1: answered all these questions, you know, like I'm genuine. This 232 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 1: is where real I care about them. This is how 233 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:14,160 Speaker 1: it's gonna have to work. The first thing is you 234 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,560 Speaker 1: need to take time. Healing after a breakup takes a while. 235 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:21,080 Speaker 1: It's rarely a question of ending a relationship. And two 236 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:24,640 Speaker 1: weeks later meeting your ex for an fsent brunch down 237 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: the block and your X does too. And by the 238 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,960 Speaker 1: time I'm not talking about and by time, I'm not 239 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,440 Speaker 1: talking about a week, a month, or even three months. 240 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,760 Speaker 1: Experts suggest allowing anywhere from six months to a year 241 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:41,200 Speaker 1: before you even consider getting in touch with your ex. 242 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 1: And even then, don't assume that because you've allowed so 243 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:47,880 Speaker 1: much time in your head to go by, that everything's 244 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,760 Speaker 1: going to work out just fine. It may or may not, 245 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,560 Speaker 1: But more about that in a bit. Time is just 246 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,120 Speaker 1: another word for readiness, and readiness is another word for 247 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: recovery and self awareness. About it this way, you've just 248 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: lived through the death of a relationship. As with any death, 249 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:10,560 Speaker 1: you need to give yourself the latitude and introspection to grieve, 250 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:15,640 Speaker 1: adjust to a new identity, and begin moving forward. Let's 251 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:18,960 Speaker 1: see if we can define what ready means, and the 252 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,680 Speaker 1: best way to do that is by defining what it 253 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: doesn't mean. Ready doesn't mean you won't have contact with 254 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,040 Speaker 1: your ex until you meet someone new and you can 255 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:31,160 Speaker 1: show your ex how stupid they were, because how amazing 256 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,600 Speaker 1: you are and how much better your life is now 257 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,640 Speaker 1: that they're not a part of it. Ready means you've 258 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:40,720 Speaker 1: been extraordinarily honest with yourself, that you can see things clearly, 259 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,960 Speaker 1: that you've done the work necessary to move on, that 260 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,320 Speaker 1: you have grieved the loss of your relationship and maintained 261 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:51,160 Speaker 1: what was great about it and what you learned. Everything 262 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,960 Speaker 1: I just said also goes for your ex. It's not 263 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,960 Speaker 1: just about you. A friendship won't work unless both people 264 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 1: are honest and trust each other, not just over the 265 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,880 Speaker 1: course of a single conversation, but as a prerequisite of 266 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,400 Speaker 1: the renewal of your friendship with honesty as the foundation. 267 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,080 Speaker 1: Here are some of the issues that may come up 268 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:14,320 Speaker 1: for you and how that same honesty can help nip 269 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,440 Speaker 1: them in the bud. Now. One of the first things 270 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:19,680 Speaker 1: is unfinished business are you in your ex really in 271 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,760 Speaker 1: the past. What are your motives in trying to become friends? 272 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,760 Speaker 1: Are you trying to show him what he's missing? Do 273 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,440 Speaker 1: you really want to know what's going on in her 274 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:30,760 Speaker 1: life or even who your replacement might be. These are 275 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:34,400 Speaker 1: all natural human responses after a breakup, But that does 276 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 1: a mean that can sustain a friendship. Be honest with 277 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,560 Speaker 1: yourself and with your ex. Are the two of you 278 00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:43,920 Speaker 1: really through or do you find yourselves stalking them on 279 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,520 Speaker 1: social media and playing music you associate with them and 280 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,200 Speaker 1: that you used to play together. By the way, stop 281 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,640 Speaker 1: doing that? Or is it that you're too cool for school? 282 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,400 Speaker 1: Are you interested in re establishing a friendship with your 283 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,640 Speaker 1: ex because it feels like the mature, grown up, calm 284 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:02,800 Speaker 1: and kell thing to do. After all, being friends with 285 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 1: your ex communicates to everyone how much of an adult 286 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,399 Speaker 1: you are, what a good person, how you're willing to 287 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,400 Speaker 1: put the past behind you and separate love and desire 288 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:15,240 Speaker 1: from friendship in a truly awesome, human evolved way. Well, 289 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:18,359 Speaker 1: here's my advice to you. It's okay not to have 290 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,439 Speaker 1: a grown up reaction to a breakup. It's okay to 291 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,800 Speaker 1: acknowledge that it's just too difficult, that you need longer 292 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,120 Speaker 1: than a year, and that you might not ever reach 293 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,120 Speaker 1: a place in your life when you are in your 294 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,320 Speaker 1: ex can be friends. I was speaking to a friend 295 00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:33,520 Speaker 1: the other day and he said, the day I moved 296 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,199 Speaker 1: on for my ex was the day I admitted to 297 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:39,480 Speaker 1: myself that I would never move on. Let me take 298 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,600 Speaker 1: that again, they said, the day I moved on from 299 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,359 Speaker 1: my ex was the day I admitted that I would 300 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:50,360 Speaker 1: never move on. Accepting that I may never get over 301 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 1: them is what helped me move forward. Admitting to myself 302 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:59,000 Speaker 1: that I'll probably always think about them is what allowed 303 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:03,640 Speaker 1: me to stop thinking about them. Realizing that I may 304 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:08,560 Speaker 1: never ever fully disconnect or detach from that relationship is 305 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,920 Speaker 1: what really allowed me to let go. Think about that really, 306 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,199 Speaker 1: really carefully. It's not pretending to move on. It's not 307 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,640 Speaker 1: faking moving on. It's not making it up or doing 308 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,600 Speaker 1: it because it looks good or people will respect you. 309 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,960 Speaker 1: It's actually being honest with yourself and authentic with yourself. 310 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:30,760 Speaker 1: And I get it. That's scary, it's hard, it's challenging, 311 00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:35,199 Speaker 1: but it's the truth. Now. Naturally, what we often do 312 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,520 Speaker 1: is we wonder what others mutual friends, family, members might 313 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,280 Speaker 1: think if you and your ex were a couple for 314 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:44,480 Speaker 1: a long time, no doubt you're friends in common or 315 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:47,119 Speaker 1: an established friend group, as well as a relationship with 316 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,080 Speaker 1: each other's families. In the wake of a breakup, it's 317 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,600 Speaker 1: inevitable that some of those friends will take sides detto 318 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,560 Speaker 1: for family members for the sake of keeping the peace. 319 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,960 Speaker 1: It's natural to want to maintain those friendships, to act 320 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,159 Speaker 1: though nothing has changed, and that everyone, including you and 321 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,320 Speaker 1: your ex, can still be buddies. After all, it's a 322 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,800 Speaker 1: small town where people are bound to run into one another, 323 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,240 Speaker 1: and you don't want any weirdness. As for family members, 324 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,320 Speaker 1: you don't want their mom or their sister to think 325 00:19:14,359 --> 00:19:17,080 Speaker 1: badly of you. Maybe you have a close relationship with 326 00:19:17,119 --> 00:19:20,200 Speaker 1: the family that you don't want to give up. Unfortunately, 327 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:23,600 Speaker 1: friends and family members can be casualties of a breakup. 328 00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:26,800 Speaker 1: Something big has happened, and your friends are coping with 329 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,640 Speaker 1: the fallout. Two and I think this is the hard 330 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,639 Speaker 1: part where almost your friends are acting like it's harder 331 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,159 Speaker 1: for them than it is for you. If you've just 332 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,159 Speaker 1: been through a breakup and you have mutual friends, and 333 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,159 Speaker 1: your friends are making it out that this breakup is 334 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,560 Speaker 1: harder for them than it's harder for you. Then those 335 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:45,720 Speaker 1: are not your real friends. You need friends who recognize 336 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:49,320 Speaker 1: that this loss is so deeply hard and difficult and 337 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,159 Speaker 1: challenging for you that they're there for you regardless of 338 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,840 Speaker 1: how it affects them, because while they are affected, you're 339 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,360 Speaker 1: the one who's going through the most of it. And 340 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,400 Speaker 1: I just really want to put that out there because 341 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,440 Speaker 1: I think too many people kind of feel like they've 342 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,000 Speaker 1: got to be there for their family, be there for 343 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,359 Speaker 1: their friends, be there for everyone else, when you're the 344 00:20:06,359 --> 00:20:09,320 Speaker 1: one who's really grieving the loss. Now, one of the 345 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,200 Speaker 1: big ones that's come up for a lot of people 346 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 1: I've talked to is the complicating factor of pets. Right, 347 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,360 Speaker 1: maybe you bought a cat together or a dog together, 348 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,600 Speaker 1: and you're used to spending time together on the weekends, 349 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,560 Speaker 1: three of you laying around or hiking or watching a 350 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:27,639 Speaker 1: bad movie while the dog or cat lazed in your lap. Well, 351 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,680 Speaker 1: one of you has got in custody of that animal, 352 00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:34,320 Speaker 1: and it's probably difficult, if not wrenching, for the person 353 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,960 Speaker 1: who's now not only without a partner, but without a 354 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:42,359 Speaker 1: much loved pet. And that creates a lot of complications too. 355 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,919 Speaker 1: So for any one of your friends who's struggling and 356 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,200 Speaker 1: wants to be friends with their re ex, I just 357 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,119 Speaker 1: want you all to have a bit of empathy for 358 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:51,119 Speaker 1: the fact that there are so many factors now, Also, 359 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,919 Speaker 1: when you remember it's not all about you, there are 360 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,760 Speaker 1: two people here, both of whom are probably dealing with 361 00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,800 Speaker 1: very intense feelings and memories, all of which will be 362 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,919 Speaker 1: try when that person comes back into your life. You 363 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,440 Speaker 1: might be completely okay and cool with you and your 364 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,720 Speaker 1: ex being friends, but have you considered them and the 365 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,399 Speaker 1: ways your reappearance in their lives might affect them. You 366 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 1: may want a friendship with your ex, but they still 367 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:20,119 Speaker 1: want a relationship. You may be over your ex, but 368 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,760 Speaker 1: they still want to be with you. You may have 369 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:26,679 Speaker 1: moved on, but they haven't moved at all. Just because 370 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:31,119 Speaker 1: you're ready to be friends, don't force that person into 371 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:35,440 Speaker 1: more discomfort. They've already been hurt once. This will only 372 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:40,159 Speaker 1: hurt them twice. Remember it's not all about you. They're 373 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,360 Speaker 1: in this too. Now. If you do get this far 374 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:47,399 Speaker 1: in this situation, you have to establish the new rules 375 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,399 Speaker 1: of engagement, like what does friendship even look like? So 376 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,840 Speaker 1: as everyone knows, there are countless ways of communicating, ranging 377 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:56,960 Speaker 1: from social media to texting, the calling to liking a 378 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:59,920 Speaker 1: common and when you and your ex were romantically involved, 379 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,960 Speaker 1: you are probably in communication across the board all day, 380 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:10,800 Speaker 1: night long, conversation, short, and on social media. Now it's different, right, 381 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:14,040 Speaker 1: We all know that a flirty late night text message 382 00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:17,040 Speaker 1: can lead to a situation where one or both of 383 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,760 Speaker 1: you slips and the next day you find yourself waking 384 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:23,760 Speaker 1: up in your ex's bedroom. You have to create ground rules. Now, 385 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,119 Speaker 1: the problem is when both of you don't respect it, 386 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,520 Speaker 1: And that's what you want to spot early. Does someone 387 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:31,040 Speaker 1: really respect the ground rules or are you always pushing 388 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,360 Speaker 1: them to do that. You might agree to text each 389 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,560 Speaker 1: other or email, or you could decide it's calls only. 390 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,639 Speaker 1: But here's the second thing. Try it out before you 391 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,360 Speaker 1: decide whether it works or not. Right now that you're 392 00:22:42,359 --> 00:22:46,800 Speaker 1: back in contact, practice it. Try it out and recognize 393 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:51,480 Speaker 1: where that person stands on respecting your boundaries. Now, I 394 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,639 Speaker 1: also want to address this, what about children. A wise 395 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:58,600 Speaker 1: person I know once counseled her two daughters that they should, 396 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,959 Speaker 1: of course feel free to fall in love with and 397 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:04,560 Speaker 1: marry whoever they want, but they should be extremely careful 398 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:08,480 Speaker 1: about choosing the person with whom they have children. Now, 399 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:12,360 Speaker 1: why exactly did she mean this? Well, she knew, and 400 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:16,560 Speaker 1: any person with children out there will confirm it that 401 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:19,560 Speaker 1: the person you have children with is part of your 402 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:23,480 Speaker 1: life for well a lifetime. And in this case, the 403 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,879 Speaker 1: choice of whether to be friends or even polite and 404 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,920 Speaker 1: civil with each other is often decided on behalf of 405 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,000 Speaker 1: the children the two of you share, in which case 406 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:35,000 Speaker 1: friendship may take a longer time to develop, and at 407 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 1: first I recommend proceeding carefully and with as much detachment 408 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:43,000 Speaker 1: as possible. I've seen friends with excess flourish, and I've 409 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:46,840 Speaker 1: seen friendships with xcees go south very quickly. Sometimes you'll 410 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:50,080 Speaker 1: find that, minus the romantic or sexual entanglement, the two 411 00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:51,919 Speaker 1: of you don't have all that much to say to 412 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,879 Speaker 1: each other. In other cases, the absence of romance and 413 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:58,439 Speaker 1: sex can be clarifying and remind you that friendship and 414 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:02,280 Speaker 1: honesty and caring served as the basis of that relationship. 415 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,960 Speaker 1: I hope, for your sakes that you fall into the 416 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,359 Speaker 1: second category, but if you don't, I have one last 417 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:12,040 Speaker 1: piece of advice to share with you. You don't have to 418 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,040 Speaker 1: be friends with your ex, no matter how guilty you 419 00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:17,959 Speaker 1: feel about it, no matter how bad they make you feel, 420 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,160 Speaker 1: no matter how much your family or friends think it's 421 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,359 Speaker 1: the right thing to do. You don't have to be 422 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:27,000 Speaker 1: friends because you've both been hurt once and you don't 423 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,879 Speaker 1: want to hurt them twice. Thank you so much for 424 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:33,119 Speaker 1: listening to today. I hope this episode helped you. I 425 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,320 Speaker 1: hope it helps you heal. I hope you send it 426 00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:37,960 Speaker 1: to a friend who's struggling right now. And thank you 427 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,840 Speaker 1: for being here with me on purpose. And remember I'm 428 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:45,320 Speaker 1: forever in your corner and always rooting for you. Hey. Everyone, 429 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,399 Speaker 1: if you love that conversation, go and check out my 430 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:52,679 Speaker 1: episode with the world's leading therapist, Lourie Gottlieb, where she 431 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,760 Speaker 1: answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when 432 00:24:56,800 --> 00:25:01,240 Speaker 1: it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're 433 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,960 Speaker 1: trying to figure out that space right now, you won't 434 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:07,800 Speaker 1: want to miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, 435 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,760 Speaker 1: hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms 436 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,560 Speaker 1: your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. 437 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:16,680 Speaker 1: It's so lovely.