WEBVTT - Is It 'Bad Enough' To Ask For Help? (Couch Talks) 0:00:00.050 --> 0:00:02.060 While we hope Couch Talks can be a tool that 0:00:02.120 --> 0:00:04.859 helps and supports wherever you are in life, Couch Talks 0:00:04.920 --> 0:00:08.010 does not serve as a replacement or substitute for therapy 0:00:08.150 --> 0:00:09.510 or any mental health services. 0:00:11.490 --> 0:00:14.770 One, two, three. 0:00:15.350 --> 0:00:18.370 If you ever have feelings that you just want some, 0:00:18.489 --> 0:00:22.050 Amy and Kat got you covered like an arm, brother. 0:00:22.070 --> 0:00:25.210 Ladies and fellas, we just follow in the spirit we're 0:00:25.300 --> 0:00:28.840 telling us. From the real stuff to the chill stuff 0:00:29.280 --> 0:00:33.199 and the in-between. Sometimes the best thing you can do 0:00:33.260 --> 0:00:38.260 is just stop and feel things. This is Feeling Things 0:00:38.440 --> 0:00:39.340 with Amy and Kat. 0:00:39.950 --> 0:00:41.930 Happy Thursday. Welcome to Couch Talks. 0:00:41.990 --> 0:00:43.030 I'm Amy. And I'm Kat. 0:00:43.490 --> 0:00:45.330 And this is our Q & A episode to the 0:00:45.370 --> 0:00:50.959 Feeling Things podcast. We have two emails today, totally different subjects. 0:00:51.520 --> 0:00:54.180 Before we started recording, though, I was telling Kat that 0:00:54.400 --> 0:00:56.680 I was on Instagram while we were waiting and flipping 0:00:56.700 --> 0:00:59.560 through some reels. And this woman just popped up on 0:00:59.600 --> 0:01:04.130 my page and she said, okay, I'm filming this just 0:01:04.130 --> 0:01:06.209 20 minutes after I found out. And so I'm like, 0:01:06.370 --> 0:01:08.670 found out what? I mean, I don't know this woman 0:01:09.270 --> 0:01:12.440 at all. And she leans up against the wall and 0:01:12.459 --> 0:01:15.679 like sits down. She's like, my husband was just diagnosed 0:01:16.440 --> 0:01:21.590 with narcissism. And I was like, oh, wow. That's rare 0:01:21.610 --> 0:01:26.370 to be proactive and go actually get diagnosed and that 0:01:26.390 --> 0:01:28.850 they were able to do that. And then she's filming 0:01:28.910 --> 0:01:32.610 herself 20 minutes after she finds out. Yeah. 0:01:32.690 --> 0:01:37.500 My immediate response was some people Sometimes this is me, 0:01:37.560 --> 0:01:41.460 but some people need their phones taken away. Yeah. Like, 0:01:41.900 --> 0:01:43.619 I want her to go process that. 0:01:44.340 --> 0:01:45.640 Instead of filming, like. 0:01:46.060 --> 0:01:48.810 Yeah. I wonder if she's, like, an influencer, so she 0:01:48.850 --> 0:01:49.750 posts everything. 0:01:49.770 --> 0:01:52.790 I don't think so. And also, does her husband know 0:01:52.810 --> 0:01:55.570 that she's doing it? I was wondering that, too. I 0:01:55.930 --> 0:01:57.710 went over to her page. I'm not even going to 0:01:57.730 --> 0:01:59.960 say she is, because that part doesn't matter. She doesn't 0:02:00.000 --> 0:02:05.559 have that many posts. But she did say, Lifestyle Mom Creator... 0:02:05.970 --> 0:02:10.450 wellness and everyday life. And one of her very, very 0:02:10.530 --> 0:02:14.329 few posts is her 20 minutes into figuring out that her, she, 0:02:14.650 --> 0:02:18.369 she felt validated. Like she was saying, I felt crazy. 0:02:18.389 --> 0:02:21.720 And then now she's going to share that. But yeah, 0:02:21.760 --> 0:02:23.440 good question. Does her husband know? 0:02:23.700 --> 0:02:27.480 But also I'm, I feel so happy that she feels 0:02:27.520 --> 0:02:30.780 validated because that can be such a hard position to 0:02:30.820 --> 0:02:34.419 be in. But because that was 20 minutes ago, you 0:02:34.460 --> 0:02:37.720 haven't even called a friend yet. I think that's where 0:02:38.000 --> 0:02:40.430 I feel a little judgmental when I say this, but 0:02:40.450 --> 0:02:42.770 I think it also comes from a place of I 0:02:42.810 --> 0:02:45.790 want people to be really connecting with people and getting 0:02:45.830 --> 0:02:50.030 their needs met that way versus the first thing I 0:02:50.070 --> 0:02:53.130 do is jump to social media. This can be something 0:02:53.169 --> 0:02:55.230 you share. I think it's very helpful when people share 0:02:55.270 --> 0:02:58.120 their stories because then people that don't know anybody who's 0:02:58.160 --> 0:03:00.600 been through something like that can feel understood or heard 0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:03.549 or any of that. But I want her to feel 0:03:03.770 --> 0:03:06.190 connection and feel like she can get her needs met 0:03:06.230 --> 0:03:09.930 from actual people in her life before she runs to 0:03:09.990 --> 0:03:12.530 social media. And I think that is a issue that 0:03:12.550 --> 0:03:16.720 I've had with social media for a very long time. Right. Years. 0:03:17.220 --> 0:03:20.440 And on the topic of narcissism, we have been teasing 0:03:20.460 --> 0:03:22.860 that we're going to do an episode focused solely on 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:24.520 that for a while now. And it's finally coming. 0:03:24.580 --> 0:03:25.609 We really are going to do it. 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:28.010 We really are recording it in a few days. So 0:03:28.090 --> 0:03:31.940 it will be up soon. All right. First email. Hi, 0:03:32.000 --> 0:03:33.700 Amy and Kat. I've been listening to Feeling Things for 0:03:33.740 --> 0:03:35.440 about a year now and never thought I'd write in 0:03:35.460 --> 0:03:37.620 with a question, but here we are. I feel like 0:03:37.640 --> 0:03:41.150 I've spent my whole adult life being whoever the people 0:03:41.160 --> 0:03:45.770 around me needed to be. The easygoing friend, the low-maintenance girlfriend, 0:03:45.850 --> 0:03:48.690 the daughter who doesn't cause problems. I'm good at reading 0:03:48.710 --> 0:03:51.550 a room and adjusting, but if you ask me what 0:03:51.590 --> 0:03:55.580 I actually like, what I believe, what I want outside 0:03:55.620 --> 0:03:59.440 of what makes other people comfortable, I genuinely don't know 0:03:59.740 --> 0:04:04.750 how I'd answer. I don't think I'm in a crisis exactly. 0:04:04.770 --> 0:04:07.060 I have a job I don't hate. I have friends, 0:04:07.090 --> 0:04:10.240 a decent life on paper, but there's this quiet feeling 0:04:10.340 --> 0:04:13.720 underneath it all like I'm a stranger to myself. I 0:04:13.760 --> 0:04:16.159 wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted to 0:04:16.260 --> 0:04:19.219 actually get to know who I am. How do you 0:04:19.260 --> 0:04:23.340 get to know yourself? Is there a starting point, journaling, therapy, 0:04:23.380 --> 0:04:26.180 just time? I'd love to hear your take. Thanks for 0:04:26.220 --> 0:04:28.820 everything you two do. Even when you're just talking about 0:04:28.839 --> 0:04:33.290 your days, it somehow always makes me think. Sarah, 32, Kansas. 0:04:34.410 --> 0:04:37.420 Kansas. And 32, look at that. Well, it's not. 0:04:39.160 --> 0:04:39.860 Why 32? 0:04:39.839 --> 0:04:41.700 If we were talking about people in their 20s, 32 0:04:41.700 --> 0:04:42.619 is pretty close. 0:04:43.080 --> 0:04:44.339 Yeah. 0:04:45.220 --> 0:04:49.059 I love this question. And I think so many people 0:04:49.140 --> 0:04:52.520 feel this way. So many people feel this way. It's 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:55.620 something that I hear all the time, not even just 0:04:55.860 --> 0:05:00.230 as a therapist, like as a human. And my go-to 0:05:00.430 --> 0:05:04.100 is always... So I had a friend... who was similar 0:05:04.120 --> 0:05:05.900 like she grew up playing like a sport that her 0:05:06.220 --> 0:05:08.360 family wanted her to play I think she even went 0:05:08.400 --> 0:05:11.650 to college and played this sport in college and she 0:05:11.910 --> 0:05:15.870 ended up afterwards being like I actually hate this sport 0:05:16.550 --> 0:05:18.870 I hate it like I don't there's nothing I like 0:05:18.910 --> 0:05:21.030 about it and her whole life she was like she 0:05:21.070 --> 0:05:23.560 was known it was golf so she was known as 0:05:23.570 --> 0:05:27.820 like this is let's say her name was Julia this 0:05:27.900 --> 0:05:31.540 is Julia she plays golf like Julia's known golf those 0:05:31.580 --> 0:05:34.550 things always go together So then after college, after she 0:05:34.670 --> 0:05:38.370 literally went– she didn't go to school based on what 0:05:38.390 --> 0:05:40.930 she wanted to be. It was what school was going 0:05:40.950 --> 0:05:42.830 to give her the golf scholarship, and that's who she 0:05:42.870 --> 0:05:47.130 is there too. She graduated and went through some stuff, 0:05:48.290 --> 0:05:51.680 and she realized, like, I don't like it. Like, I 0:05:51.740 --> 0:05:54.110 don't get any joy out of playing it. 0:05:54.160 --> 0:05:54.380 Wow. 0:05:55.360 --> 0:05:58.260 Which is crazy because I grew up playing soccer. I 0:05:58.300 --> 0:06:01.400 wasn't obviously not that into playing soccer because I didn't 0:06:01.420 --> 0:06:06.560 go to college. Oh, you were in collegiate? Not because 0:06:07.540 --> 0:06:09.380 I didn't want to, but also I wasn't that good. 0:06:11.040 --> 0:06:15.680 But I liked playing soccer. Obviously, sometimes you were like, oh, 0:06:15.800 --> 0:06:17.320 I don't want to go to practice. But it was 0:06:17.360 --> 0:06:20.000 a fun game to me. So for her to say, like, 0:06:20.020 --> 0:06:23.430 there's nothing about this I enjoy is a big deal. 0:06:24.430 --> 0:06:26.740 So she had that same feeling of, like, who am I? 0:06:27.890 --> 0:06:30.930 And she did something that I recommend to everybody now. 0:06:31.110 --> 0:06:35.919 And she, for... think a year, every single month, she 0:06:36.000 --> 0:06:42.200 chose something new. It could be, she did some really, she, 0:06:42.220 --> 0:06:44.680 I wasn't, cause I knew her as she was doing 0:06:44.700 --> 0:06:47.320 this and I was in awe of her because I 0:06:47.360 --> 0:06:51.840 was like, I would never, you have to be committed 0:06:52.860 --> 0:06:54.770 and you have to be willing to be uncomfortable. So 0:06:55.430 --> 0:06:57.350 I shouldn't say I should never, I would never, but 0:06:57.430 --> 0:06:58.890 I was like, you, this is a big deal that 0:06:58.910 --> 0:07:01.430 you're doing this every month. She would do something different. 0:07:02.580 --> 0:07:05.880 She did– why can't I think of the word? Not 0:07:05.920 --> 0:07:09.260 like taekwondo, but jiu-jitsu, I think. 0:07:09.380 --> 0:07:10.460 Oh, my son did jiu-jitsu. 0:07:10.480 --> 0:07:13.540 Is it jiu-jitsu? She did karate. She did something in 0:07:13.580 --> 0:07:13.840 that realm. 0:07:13.880 --> 0:07:14.820 His son's from martial arts. 0:07:14.860 --> 0:07:20.780 Yes, she did martial arts. She did a watercolor class. 0:07:21.080 --> 0:07:26.960 She did improv classes. She got into yoga. She– I mean, 0:07:27.060 --> 0:07:29.600 it was athletic stuff and then creative stuff. 0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:32.690 So this was helping her discover what she likes to 0:07:32.760 --> 0:07:35.590 do because she wasn't loving golf. 0:07:35.770 --> 0:07:37.670 She was like, I don't know what I like. It 0:07:38.030 --> 0:07:39.890 was even down to like what foods do I like. 0:07:40.770 --> 0:07:44.150 So her– she's also a therapist. So she, I think, 0:07:44.170 --> 0:07:45.530 came up with this a little bit on her own. 0:07:45.890 --> 0:07:48.110 But her deal was every– I have to sign up 0:07:48.150 --> 0:07:50.690 for something every month or if it's like a six-week thing, 0:07:50.710 --> 0:07:53.110 it could be six weeks. But I cannot quit until 0:07:53.150 --> 0:07:55.710 it's over. And then after it's over, I never have 0:07:55.750 --> 0:07:59.880 to go again. Like if I do this four-week watercolor 0:07:59.920 --> 0:08:02.020 class and I actually don't like it, okay, I don't 0:08:02.140 --> 0:08:04.300 ever have to do it again. But I have to 0:08:04.420 --> 0:08:09.100 finish to see because it's not just do I like watercolor? 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:12.020 It's how do I show up to an art class? 0:08:12.260 --> 0:08:18.020 Or I remember that class, she said it was all super– well, 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:20.120 I want to start that sentence over. It was all 0:08:20.620 --> 0:08:21.480 people that were older than her. 0:08:22.020 --> 0:08:22.140 Okay. 0:08:22.160 --> 0:08:24.630 I was going to say super old. That didn't feel good. 0:08:26.990 --> 0:08:29.370 Like elderly, I think. 0:08:30.250 --> 0:08:31.910 Like what's the word? 0:08:31.930 --> 0:08:37.220 Geriatric? Or what they like to call older pregnant people 0:08:37.260 --> 0:08:40.300 advanced maternal age. But it was actually like people in 0:08:40.340 --> 0:08:45.640 their 70s, she said. It was more for people post-retirement. Right. 0:08:45.660 --> 0:08:45.880 Okay. Okay. 0:08:46.360 --> 0:08:48.380 So it was a, how do I interact with people 0:08:48.420 --> 0:08:50.560 like that? Do I like people that age? Like what? 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:53.880 So you're learning more about the, just the skill. You're 0:08:53.920 --> 0:08:57.070 learning all these other little things about you. And she 0:08:57.090 --> 0:09:01.390 would journal throughout it. And some of the things she was, 0:09:01.630 --> 0:09:03.590 she ended up doing, like she got really into yoga. 0:09:03.730 --> 0:09:07.330 Some things she never, she did improv more than once. 0:09:08.370 --> 0:09:11.520 I think she did like three or four at the 0:09:11.540 --> 0:09:13.280 place that you went to. Yeah. 0:09:13.300 --> 0:09:15.160 I mean that when you sign up there, it's like 0:09:15.179 --> 0:09:16.000 a six week. Yeah. 0:09:16.500 --> 0:09:20.479 So she did a couple of those classes. And it 0:09:20.640 --> 0:09:25.310 really helped her figure things out because part of her 0:09:25.350 --> 0:09:28.070 doing that was she chose everything. Nobody chose it for her. 0:09:28.090 --> 0:09:30.270 So I think that was a big deal of like 0:09:30.309 --> 0:09:33.590 what even do I gravitate towards? And then she made 0:09:33.630 --> 0:09:38.790 all the rules up of this activity, whatever. And she 0:09:38.830 --> 0:09:42.000 journaled through it and then she figured things out. Now, 0:09:42.200 --> 0:09:48.250 I will say that I think– And you can let 0:09:48.290 --> 0:09:52.120 me know how you feel about this. Our world gets 0:09:52.179 --> 0:09:57.770 a little bit stuck on finding ourselves. 0:09:58.070 --> 0:09:59.490 Fixated, I think, yeah. 0:10:00.380 --> 0:10:03.020 Where it's this like elusive thing that like I have 0:10:03.040 --> 0:10:04.940 to know myself in this and this deep work and 0:10:04.980 --> 0:10:06.800 all that. And I believe that there's so much power 0:10:06.840 --> 0:10:09.480 in getting to know who we are. And we're always 0:10:09.520 --> 0:10:13.160 going to evolve and change. And I don't think I'm 0:10:13.220 --> 0:10:14.840 ever going to get to a place where I'm like 0:10:14.860 --> 0:10:16.880 there's nothing new I'm going to discover about myself. 0:10:17.809 --> 0:10:21.890 Yeah, and things that happened. to you in life that you, 0:10:22.010 --> 0:10:35.020 that are out of your control. I've naturally evolved over time, 0:10:35.100 --> 0:10:38.660 but circumstances like when my mom died, I am no 0:10:38.700 --> 0:10:42.160 longer the same person I was before that. So I 0:10:42.179 --> 0:10:46.059 had to get to know myself again, who lost without 0:10:46.080 --> 0:10:50.280 my mom. And then the, so that's something that's totally 0:10:50.340 --> 0:10:53.239 out of my control. Um, when you become a mom, 0:10:53.260 --> 0:10:55.460 like you're, you don't know yourself yet as a mom. 0:10:55.900 --> 0:10:56.100 Yeah. 0:10:56.120 --> 0:10:58.620 You still have the baby in your belly. So you 0:10:58.640 --> 0:11:00.770 got to get to know yourself like career wise. Is 0:11:00.809 --> 0:11:05.750 there a move? She's 32. Can't, she said she's a, uh, 0:11:05.790 --> 0:11:09.410 what'd she say about a low maintenance girlfriend? You don't 0:11:09.429 --> 0:11:11.230 know yet what kind of wife you're going to be. 0:11:11.429 --> 0:11:13.480 If that is what's in store for you, what kind 0:11:13.510 --> 0:11:15.780 of mom? So you're constantly going to be getting to 0:11:15.800 --> 0:11:17.559 know yourself. So I think it's good to have these 0:11:17.640 --> 0:11:20.719 different activities, or things to keep in your back pocket 0:11:20.740 --> 0:11:23.179 that you can bust out at any time. I know 0:11:23.200 --> 0:11:28.260 at one point a therapist of mine gave me homework 0:11:28.540 --> 0:11:35.390 to get dressed for things without asking for others' opinions 0:11:36.190 --> 0:11:39.190 about my outfit or what I thought, because I didn't 0:11:40.190 --> 0:11:42.340 trust myself. And it's like, well, who cares what you wear? 0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:46.220 But it's really not even about the clothes. It was 0:11:46.260 --> 0:11:52.550 about the exercise itself. of repeating that, trusting myself and 0:11:52.610 --> 0:11:54.710 repeating that over and over. And then you start to 0:11:54.770 --> 0:11:57.850 trust yourself in other parts of your life. Because I 0:11:57.870 --> 0:12:00.670 had told myself, oh, I don't know how to get dressed. 0:12:00.770 --> 0:12:04.480 And I suck at picking out clothes. And I have 0:12:04.520 --> 0:12:06.480 these other friends, they're way better at it than me. 0:12:06.540 --> 0:12:08.260 So I always, and I know that some of that 0:12:08.340 --> 0:12:10.219 is fun girlfriend stuff where you want to take a 0:12:10.260 --> 0:12:12.280 picture and send it and be like, hey, which, these 0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:15.140 shoes are these shoes. But she wanted me to even 0:12:15.200 --> 0:12:21.810 refrain from that a I struggled with trusting myself. And 0:12:21.850 --> 0:12:25.130 she's like, start with low-hanging fruit. It's in your closet 0:12:25.170 --> 0:12:30.370 every day. Just go in, get dressed, walk out, trust yourself, 0:12:30.650 --> 0:12:32.480 and then the other stuff will come. 0:12:32.929 --> 0:12:38.620 I also think going off of that, therapy is really 0:12:38.640 --> 0:12:41.540 helpful in this regard because as you were talking about 0:12:41.580 --> 0:12:45.540 the shoes thing, Sometimes we really want an opinion because 0:12:45.620 --> 0:12:49.280 fun girlfriend stuff, but sometimes it is deeper than that. 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:51.300 And it feels kind of silly to say that a 0:12:51.300 --> 0:12:54.319 little bit, but sometimes it is like, well, what shoes 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:56.970 are people going to, what are people going to think 0:12:57.010 --> 0:12:58.949 if I wear this shoe or this shoe? What are 0:12:58.970 --> 0:13:01.130 people going to think about me? And that could lead 0:13:01.170 --> 0:13:04.150 into like, I want people to like me and what 0:13:04.170 --> 0:13:05.910 happens if people don't like me and why do I, 0:13:06.010 --> 0:13:07.290 how do I get people to like me and how 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:10.560 do I perform? And as she's talking about, she's, when 0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:14.490 you said like the low maintenance girlfriend, some people just 0:13:14.530 --> 0:13:17.170 are low maintenance and they literally do not care about things. 0:13:18.510 --> 0:13:20.329 They could go and do whatever and they're cool and 0:13:20.350 --> 0:13:23.209 they're fine. But sometimes we do that. We play that 0:13:23.290 --> 0:13:26.729 role because that's how we get attention. That feels like love. 0:13:26.790 --> 0:13:30.490 That feels like belonging. That feels like connection. And so 0:13:30.510 --> 0:13:34.449 a therapist and having somebody to like, you can journal 0:13:34.490 --> 0:13:37.229 through that stuff, but having somebody to work that out with, 0:13:37.710 --> 0:13:40.510 you can figure out, okay, well, what's the why behind 0:13:40.990 --> 0:13:43.940 what I'm doing? And then it might be easier to 0:13:44.059 --> 0:13:45.300 make shifts and changes. 0:13:46.740 --> 0:13:48.800 Another thing she had me do in addition to clothes 0:13:48.860 --> 0:13:51.239 that popped into my head while you're saying that because 0:13:51.280 --> 0:13:55.829 it's in alignment with this is I was instructed to 0:13:57.170 --> 0:14:01.210 go to the restaurant wherever I was eating and pick 0:14:01.230 --> 0:14:04.310 something on the menu myself and order it. I always 0:14:04.890 --> 0:14:07.720 want to order last because I want to see what 0:14:07.800 --> 0:14:09.320 everybody else is getting. 0:14:09.340 --> 0:14:09.420 Yeah. 0:14:10.090 --> 0:14:12.050 Because I don't trust that what I want is really 0:14:12.070 --> 0:14:16.460 what I want. And so she challenged me to pick 0:14:16.500 --> 0:14:18.540 what I want and try to order first or don't 0:14:18.600 --> 0:14:20.920 base my decision off anybody else. Like look at the 0:14:20.940 --> 0:14:23.880 menu and what do you want? And sometimes that's really hard, 0:14:24.200 --> 0:14:27.360 but the more you do it, you know, the easier 0:14:27.380 --> 0:14:29.620 it gets. And you said that your friend, she was 0:14:29.660 --> 0:14:31.370 doing all the activities too, but she even did it 0:14:31.420 --> 0:14:34.670 with food. Like she have a list of things she 0:14:34.690 --> 0:14:35.850 wanted to try or. 0:14:36.230 --> 0:14:39.010 Going to different, she had the things she would do every. 0:14:40.820 --> 0:14:42.640 every six weeks or a month or however long they 0:14:42.680 --> 0:14:44.480 would last. But then it was like, yeah, I'm going 0:14:44.500 --> 0:14:46.580 to go try Indian food because like, I don't know 0:14:46.640 --> 0:14:49.400 if I like it or things that you would never have. 0:14:49.580 --> 0:14:52.230 She would never have tried before that she normally would 0:14:52.250 --> 0:14:54.950 be like, I don't like that. Yeah. It's just getting, 0:14:55.090 --> 0:14:57.450 how do I put myself in situations I wouldn't normally 0:14:57.530 --> 0:15:00.370 be in? And then how do I feel in those situations? 0:15:01.070 --> 0:15:04.430 Sarah, you could also track what energizes you. Cause you 0:15:04.450 --> 0:15:07.870 might have stuff you're already doing every week. Like, It 0:15:07.890 --> 0:15:10.030 doesn't have to be an elaborate sign up for this 0:15:10.110 --> 0:15:12.550 class or course or see if you like it, but 0:15:12.570 --> 0:15:15.190 you might have things like, are you already going to 0:15:15.210 --> 0:15:18.940 a workout class that you think you like, or are 0:15:19.060 --> 0:15:23.360 you already walking at this one particular park? But after 0:15:23.380 --> 0:15:27.410 you finish whatever said activity or eat whatever meal or 0:15:27.470 --> 0:15:31.210 hang out with whatever person, track your energy and how 0:15:31.250 --> 0:15:35.670 you feel. Do you feel drained or do you feel fulfilled? 0:15:35.850 --> 0:15:38.470 And that might also give you more information, especially if 0:15:38.510 --> 0:15:41.510 you have been low maintenance or the easygoing friend. When 0:15:41.530 --> 0:15:45.360 you get home, how are you feeling after being so easygoing? 0:15:46.020 --> 0:15:51.080 Are you depleted? Was your cup filled up any at all? 0:15:51.100 --> 0:15:54.260 And then that'll help give you a frame of reference 0:15:54.280 --> 0:15:55.880 because you're tracking it and writing it down. 0:15:56.380 --> 0:15:57.080 Yeah. 0:15:58.180 --> 0:16:00.770 And I guess just like jotting down what you like 0:16:00.810 --> 0:16:03.080 with no filter. Like just try to set a timer 0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:06.280 and just start scribbling things and go. See what comes out. 0:16:07.180 --> 0:16:08.540 That one might be hard for me because I would 0:16:08.760 --> 0:16:09.690 start to overthink it. 0:16:09.890 --> 0:16:12.670 Now it might be hard to do all of this 0:16:12.750 --> 0:16:16.630 because if you're used to being easygoing and go with 0:16:16.650 --> 0:16:19.350 the flow and you haven't put a lot of thought, 0:16:19.370 --> 0:16:22.670 then I would give yourself some grace. If you're like, 0:16:22.690 --> 0:16:27.140 I don't know how I feel. Just try. Just try 0:16:27.320 --> 0:16:29.210 and see what happens. And that's where I think a 0:16:29.270 --> 0:16:33.070 therapist or somebody who can come in with you and 0:16:33.110 --> 0:16:35.590 help guide those conversations can help you figure that out. 0:16:36.210 --> 0:16:38.870 If you have trained your body to react a certain way. 0:16:39.430 --> 0:16:41.170 And it seems like she's open to that. Cause she said, 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:47.000 is there a starting point? Journaling therapy, just time. Yeah. Yeah. 0:16:47.020 --> 0:16:49.020 All those things. If therapy is an option for you, 0:16:49.060 --> 0:16:50.660 that would probably be a great place to start. Cause 0:16:50.680 --> 0:16:53.700 some of my things that I'm saying came directly from 0:16:54.200 --> 0:16:58.130 my therapist. Another thing is, uh, I think of like 0:16:58.190 --> 0:17:01.630 morning pages and free flowing. Like it doesn't have to 0:17:01.670 --> 0:17:03.859 be right when you wake up, although first thing in 0:17:03.880 --> 0:17:06.180 the morning is supposed to be nice, but you just 0:17:06.340 --> 0:17:08.399 free flow with thoughts that are in your head. But 0:17:08.440 --> 0:17:11.159 you could give yourself a prompt of I want to 0:17:11.180 --> 0:17:14.119 free flow about what I like. And that's where you 0:17:14.180 --> 0:17:16.800 don't pick the pen up from the paper. Anything that 0:17:16.840 --> 0:17:20.159 comes to mind, you just write it down. Don't pause. 0:17:20.220 --> 0:17:23.169 And even if you're pausing, you're thinking about pausing, be like, 0:17:23.910 --> 0:17:26.310 write down, I'm pausing right now and I'm not supposed 0:17:26.330 --> 0:17:28.590 to pause and keep writing. I have to keep writing. 0:17:29.450 --> 0:17:32.510 That's the free flow so you don't break the momentum 0:17:32.570 --> 0:17:35.260 and eventually you'll pick up a little more steam and 0:17:35.280 --> 0:17:37.320 then you could get there with free flowing on things 0:17:37.380 --> 0:17:41.919 that you really like and that bring you joy in 0:17:41.960 --> 0:17:44.899 some ways. So hopefully that helps you get to know yourself. 0:17:44.960 --> 0:17:47.530 I know that that's the thing that like cat, Kat 0:17:47.550 --> 0:17:49.050 was saying a lot of people want to know no 0:17:49.070 --> 0:17:51.210 matter what age you are. I had a similar conversation 0:17:51.250 --> 0:17:55.460 with my daughter recently who's 19. And hers is more 0:17:55.660 --> 0:17:59.379 figuring out some of her past because she's adopted. She 0:17:59.400 --> 0:18:01.880 came here at 11. I think she feels confused about 0:18:01.900 --> 0:18:09.370 some things. And she wanted to talk to someone about, quote, unquote, maybe– 0:18:09.550 --> 0:18:13.590 how do I say– I think she'd be fine if 0:18:13.690 --> 0:18:14.310 I say this. 0:18:14.350 --> 0:18:14.910 I'll confirm. 0:18:14.990 --> 0:18:17.670 If she isn't fine, we'll take this out. If you're 0:18:17.690 --> 0:18:20.450 hearing it, she was fine. But what's wrong with her? 0:18:20.990 --> 0:18:23.030 And I think sometimes that falls in line for a 0:18:23.070 --> 0:18:25.409 lot of us too, is we want to diagnose everything. 0:18:26.430 --> 0:18:32.400 And just because you have a quirk or a way 0:18:32.440 --> 0:18:34.419 that you are or a thing, it doesn't mean that 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:36.940 anything's wrong or needs to be diagnosed or you need 0:18:36.960 --> 0:18:39.429 to be fixed. It could just be who you are. 0:18:39.440 --> 0:18:41.080 Being a person. Being a person. 0:18:41.160 --> 0:18:45.070 Or human beings. I say this all the time and 0:18:45.130 --> 0:18:46.760 I will never stop saying this. There has to be 0:18:46.800 --> 0:18:50.399 a line between striving to be our best selves and 0:18:50.420 --> 0:18:53.780 accepting us ourselves for who we are. Like there has 0:18:53.820 --> 0:18:55.500 to be a line. And I think there's such an 0:18:55.660 --> 0:18:58.720 overflow and maybe we're part of the problem because we're 0:18:58.740 --> 0:19:01.449 talking and we're doing this right now. There's an overflow 0:19:01.510 --> 0:19:06.169 and influx of self-help out there. And it makes, I 0:19:06.250 --> 0:19:09.439 think us, I shouldn't say it makes us, but it 0:19:09.540 --> 0:19:13.340 encourages us to feel like there's always one more thing 0:19:13.359 --> 0:19:17.040 we could be doing to be better. And if there 0:19:17.119 --> 0:19:18.740 is one more thing we should be, we could be doing, 0:19:19.119 --> 0:19:21.280 we should be doing it. And I also am a 0:19:21.300 --> 0:19:23.840 big fan of being like, uh, this is just a 0:19:23.859 --> 0:19:26.920 little bit of how I am and there's nothing I 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:30.889 need to do about it because, because I am enjoying 0:19:30.930 --> 0:19:33.950 my life. I like my life. This is not causing 0:19:33.970 --> 0:19:34.710 me harm or damage. 0:19:35.650 --> 0:19:38.090 Yeah, if there's harm or damage, then we need to 0:19:38.990 --> 0:19:40.820 take a little look at that. 0:19:42.100 --> 0:19:44.119 It's keeping me from something that I really want. But 0:19:44.160 --> 0:19:46.970 if it's not, then we're allowed to say this is 0:19:47.010 --> 0:19:49.090 who I am and this is part of me. Now, 0:19:49.130 --> 0:19:50.570 that's not an excuse. to be, like. 0:19:50.650 --> 0:19:52.410 Or a crutch to cling to. 0:19:52.530 --> 0:19:54.590 Oh, sorry. That's just, like, who I am. I'm always 0:19:54.609 --> 0:19:56.169 going to be a bad friend. Or I'm always going 0:19:56.190 --> 0:19:59.820 to whatever. No. But there are things that, like, we 0:19:59.880 --> 0:20:04.600 are allowed to just be, like, that's not perfect. And 0:20:04.619 --> 0:20:06.600 I'm okay with it. Okay. 0:20:16.310 --> 0:20:21.550 All right, next question. This is from Mary. Hey, Amy 0:20:21.730 --> 0:20:23.709 and Kat, I'm 47 and I've been sitting on this 0:20:23.790 --> 0:20:27.250 email for months before finally deciding to send it. I've 0:20:27.290 --> 0:20:30.320 had a complicated relationship with food and my body for 0:20:30.380 --> 0:20:34.200 as long as I can remember, decades now. It's just 0:20:34.280 --> 0:20:37.280 always been part of the background noise of my life. 0:20:37.880 --> 0:20:40.500 I've gotten so used to certain patterns and habits around 0:20:40.660 --> 0:20:43.830 eating that they don't even register as unusual to me anymore. 0:20:44.109 --> 0:20:46.440 They're just how I live. I've never talked to a 0:20:46.480 --> 0:20:48.680 doctor or a therapist about it because in my head 0:20:48.740 --> 0:20:52.889 it's never felt, quote, bad enough. I'm not in a hospital. 0:20:53.050 --> 0:20:55.530 I function. I raise my kids. I go to work. 0:20:55.609 --> 0:20:58.310 I show up for my life. So who am I 0:20:58.330 --> 0:21:01.169