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Speaker 1: I'm Elliot Conne and this is Family Therapist. Welcome back.

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Speaker 1: In this episode, we're focusing on the relationship between Elijah

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Speaker 1: and his uncle Chris. Every session, I start with the

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Speaker 1: same question, what are your best hopes from our talking?

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Speaker 1: I ask this particular question in order to understand where

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Speaker 1: each member is on their journey and to help them

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Speaker 1: focus on the outcome from the conversation rather than the problem.

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Speaker 1: In this session, Chris shares something that sets the tone

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Speaker 1: for everything that follows. He says his best hope is

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Speaker 1: coming together, trying to get to know each other and

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Speaker 1: building trust from here on into the future. That word future,

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Speaker 1: it matters. Elijah, on the other hand, is honest in

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Speaker 1: a different way. He admits he isn't sure what connection

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Speaker 1: will change between them. He says, I don't see Uncle

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Speaker 1: Chris very often, so I don't actually know, and that

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Speaker 1: uncertainty is because it's where a lot of real relationships

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Speaker 1: actually begin, not with certainty, but with curiosity. This conversation

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Speaker 1: unfolds in two parts. First, Eliza and Chris are both present,

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Speaker 1: asking questions, testing understandings, and naming things that are usually

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Speaker 1: left unsaid, like anger, regret, and distance within families. Then,

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Speaker 1: due to technical difficulties, Eliza drops from the session, but

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Speaker 1: what happens next is just as meaningful. In the second half,

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Speaker 1: we stay with Chris as he talks about his desire

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Speaker 1: to step into a new role, not just as an uncle,

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Speaker 1: but as a connector, someone willing to do the small

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Speaker 1: but consistent work of reaching out, holding space, and rebuilding

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Speaker 1: family routines over time. This episode is really about building

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Speaker 1: consistency merely by being present, by showing up, sending the text,

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Speaker 1: making the call, staying committed even when the relationship doesn't

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Speaker 1: immediately respond. So let's get into the session. What are

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Speaker 1: your best hopes from talking with.

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Speaker 2: Me, connecting with my family, and especially with this session,

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Speaker 2: for both of us to get to know each other

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Speaker 2: a little bit more man, nephew, because.

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Speaker 3: I know we've haven't talked a lot, but.

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Speaker 2: Try to, you know, see if he has any answers

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Speaker 2: for me, any views that we can share both together.

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Speaker 3: So that's my.

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Speaker 1: Thing, Chris, how do you hope getting to know Elijah

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Speaker 1: will make a difference in your life? How do you

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Speaker 1: hope getting to know him, getting some answers from him,

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Speaker 1: giving some answers to him? How do you hope they'll

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Speaker 1: make a difference for him.

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Speaker 2: You know, coming together as understanding between them, you know,

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Speaker 2: even though like we you know, he's my nephew, I'm

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Speaker 2: his uncle, still trying to get to know each other,

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Speaker 2: to know of you see what you know, what I

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Speaker 2: think about family and stuff like that, out of how

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Speaker 2: I address issues, how he address issues. That way is

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Speaker 2: better for us to have a good communication, to build

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Speaker 2: trust between each other from here on, you know, to

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Speaker 2: the creature.

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Speaker 3: And keep that connection and let him know that I'm

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Speaker 3: always here for him.

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Speaker 1: How would have a connection to your nephew make a

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Speaker 1: difference in your life.

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Speaker 2: To better understand because he's you know, a lot younger

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Speaker 2: than me. So it also helped me connect with my

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Speaker 2: children and my grandchildren because we all have different views, especially.

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Speaker 3: Between you know, growing up.

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Speaker 2: When then understand me from his point of view how

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Speaker 2: he see things, and that would help me understand, you know,

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Speaker 2: like I said, my children, his cousins and being able

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Speaker 2: to relate a lot more got you.

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Speaker 1: Okay, and Elijah, what about you? What do you hope

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Speaker 1: to come from this conversation?

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Speaker 4: I would like to, you know, go over the topic

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Speaker 4: again from last turn because I didn't get to we

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Speaker 4: mostly talked about Auntie Jazzmine, and you didn't also get

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Speaker 4: to talk that much about Mom, but because she's not here,

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Speaker 4: I would also like to go over that for me

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Speaker 4: as well, because I didn't get a chance to speak

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Speaker 4: about my relationships and how they affect me.

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Speaker 1: Okay, how do you hope that makes a difference between

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Speaker 1: you and Chris?

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Speaker 4: I think just him getting to know me, if they

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Speaker 4: better from hearing his his desires is I think an

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Speaker 4: important note like seeing where I come from, seeing my

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Speaker 4: perspective on the family. I think that would be a

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Speaker 4: good way for him to get to know me.

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Speaker 1: How do you think your life would be impacted by

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Speaker 1: Chris getting to know you?

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Speaker 4: I don't often see Uncle Chris very often, so I

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Speaker 4: don't actually know.

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Speaker 1: What do you think there's this uncle? You don't see

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Speaker 1: him very often? I haven't really you know, connected very

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Speaker 1: very much. How do you hope having that connection than

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Speaker 1: your life would make a differlt for you? I'm not entirely sure.

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Speaker 4: It's just it's interesting because I have such a big

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Speaker 4: family already, meeting someone else is uh, it's rather it's

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Speaker 4: not new, of course, but it's just more of any

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Speaker 4: useful thing. Oh, there's someone else I don't know.

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Speaker 1: So this is a unique conversation, and I think probably

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Speaker 1: the best way to start it would be, like, Elijah,

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Speaker 1: what questions would you have for Chris?

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Speaker 4: Do you think our family has anger issues?

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Speaker 3: In some sense? I think it's I don't know.

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Speaker 2: I think it's more there's anger, but I think it's

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Speaker 2: more like regret, regret of not you know, us all

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Speaker 2: not being together, having some of the issues. I know,

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Speaker 2: like with my sister Jasmine, I know she wanted our

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Speaker 2: father to be around a lot more, and you know,

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Speaker 2: I guess that would contribute to some of the anger.

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Speaker 3: I know.

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Speaker 2: One of the things I've always said was her therapy

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Speaker 2: is always a good thing to have.

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Speaker 3: Because you get being able to expression your feeling and stuff.

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Speaker 3: And then on.

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Speaker 2: Top of that, you know, with your grandfather Robert throwing,

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Speaker 2: you know, having him around now, but he's not around.

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Speaker 2: So that's why I can understand you know, your your

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Speaker 2: statement of not knowing how benefit our conversations, us getting together,

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Speaker 2: and the biggest thing is trying to move forward, you know,

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Speaker 2: with me just trying to be there as your uncle,

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Speaker 2: having a better communication with you and stuff like that.

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Speaker 2: And I think building on that would help with some

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Speaker 2: of the anger that the family does have. Is you know,

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Speaker 2: individuals try to come together and build that communication, make

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Speaker 2: that communication better.

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Speaker 3: That's how I see it.

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Speaker 1: Elijah, what do you think of his answer?

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Speaker 5: I remember saying that I can see regret within the

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Speaker 5: anger of my parents, and well, not that my parents,

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Speaker 5: not just my parents, but everyone else. But I'm not

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Speaker 5: sure about all if it's all regrets, I think some

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Speaker 5: of it is just that they never had the opportunity

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Speaker 5: to deal with certain.

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Speaker 1: Insecurities.

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Speaker 4: But you know, issues like.

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Speaker 5: Dealing with patients, knowing how to tackle certain problems.

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Speaker 1: I think in.

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Speaker 5: Those cases, I just see anger issues from them. I've

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Speaker 5: just been witnessed to a lot of anger from my

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Speaker 5: mom's silent family.

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Speaker 1: How do you hope an answer to a question like

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Speaker 1: that would help you?

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Speaker 3: I don't really know.

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Speaker 1: Unfortunately, right around here is where we experience some technical

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Speaker 1: difficulties during the session, and Elijah wasn't able to rejoin

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Speaker 1: due to a poor internet connection. Now, while that interruption

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Speaker 1: wasn't planned, it actually highlighted an important moment because sometimes

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Speaker 1: in real life, conversations don't end the way we expect

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Speaker 1: them to. People drop off, timing gets in the way

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Speaker 1: and we're left holding the intention on our own. After

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Speaker 1: a short break, we'll continue the session with Chris focusing

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Speaker 1: on his desire to bring his family together and the

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Speaker 1: role he wants to play in rebuilding connection over time.

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Speaker 1: Stay with us and we'll be right back. Thank you

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Speaker 1: for investing your time with me and this family's journey.

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Speaker 1: Let's continue the session, Chris. That was really interesting and

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Speaker 1: fascinating to me. And I think the thing that is

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Speaker 1: so intriguing to me is how do you hope connecting

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Speaker 1: with more members of your family and specifically Elijah will

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Speaker 1: make a difference in your life.

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Speaker 2: It'll make me baby to guide my family, you know,

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Speaker 2: even like after these sessions, to be able to you know,

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Speaker 2: wanting to pick up the mantle of trying to bring

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Speaker 2: the family together, trying to be like kind of like

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Speaker 2: the old days where you had the big mama that

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Speaker 2: products all together.

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Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 2: And because we don't have that no more, you know,

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Speaker 2: it's just we don't have more of it in these days,

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Speaker 2: right and the way things are going, the way the

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Speaker 2: country is going, the way life is going, you know,

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Speaker 2: I think that we need more of that.

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Speaker 3: We need more of.

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Speaker 2: You know, individuals that could be grounded that can bring

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Speaker 2: the family back together and keep the family together. We

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Speaker 2: tend to, you know, reach more to social media instead

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Speaker 2: of reaching out to each family members that solve the problems.

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Speaker 2: That that's my opinion about it, you know, especially you

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Speaker 2: know with Elijah, you know, he he doesn't know like

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Speaker 2: he doesn't I can feel that he does, doesn't have confidence,

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Speaker 2: you know. And the family coming back together, you know,

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Speaker 2: I think because it's like we've all, you know, found

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Speaker 2: each other, but we found each other at a point

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Speaker 2: where we're all doing our own thing and when we're

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Speaker 2: all trying to get our lives together. We're all here

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Speaker 2: and there. But I know, for me, I know, I'm

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Speaker 2: coming to a point where, you know, because I'm deciding

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Speaker 2: I'm leaving the United States. I'm trying to be at

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Speaker 2: a point where I don't have to work no more

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Speaker 2: because of retirement military retirement stuff. So I'm trying to

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Speaker 2: ground myself where I could be more available to my

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Speaker 2: family at any point in time. So I'm looking you know,

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Speaker 2: next year is my last year in the United States,

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Speaker 2: and then after that, you know, I just want to

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Speaker 2: be that mantle of you know, being putting the family

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Speaker 2: back together, especially on my father's side, because that's more

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Speaker 2: of the younger side, because my adopter's side is Revy.

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Speaker 3: Is old but older, you know, a lot more older members.

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Speaker 2: I want to spend the rest of my life trying

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Speaker 2: to bring the family back together, and that will also

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Speaker 2: help me be able to have the knowledge to try

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Speaker 2: to pass that on to the younger generation to say, hey,

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Speaker 2: y'all still need to come back together with a family,

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Speaker 2: and there's nothing better than family ties.

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Speaker 1: What difference would it make for you to be the

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Speaker 1: leader that does that.

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Speaker 2: It's one of those things where I would sit back

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Speaker 2: and say here, after you look back, you say, great,

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Speaker 2: what did I'd leave back?

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Speaker 3: You know?

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Speaker 2: Like like one of the things I used to teach

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Speaker 2: about in the military was about how do you know

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Speaker 2: you're a great leader.

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Speaker 3: You know you're a great leader by what you left behind?

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Speaker 2: You know, as far as to build on what you

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Speaker 2: left behind that people can relate to and say, hey,

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Speaker 2: you know, this individual left us tools and resources that

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Speaker 2: we can still use and build on. So my legacy

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Speaker 2: is not trying to be and be some great millionaire

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Speaker 2: or something like that. It's trying to bring the family

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Speaker 2: back together and give them that groundwork to keep building

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Speaker 2: to say, you know, he has something, you know, like

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Speaker 2: he wanted to be about the family.

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Speaker 3: He wanted to bring the family back.

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Speaker 2: And that's what I'm trying to build, to bring that back,

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Speaker 2: whether it's my kids, my family, my siblings, my nieces,

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Speaker 2: and my nephews, so they can understand that I still

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Speaker 2: represent Big Mama in my own way to say, hey,

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Speaker 2: let's keep this going. Because this worked, Uncle Chris's dad, whatever,

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Speaker 2: our brother. Look what he showed us. He showed us

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Speaker 2: that it is important to have family, keep building family

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Speaker 2: because that's history and that's legacy, and that's generational. Just

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Speaker 2: like you know, as we talk about generational wealth, we

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Speaker 2: need to build generational mental stability within families.

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Speaker 1: Right, And I'm not always going to be easy, Chris, No,

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Speaker 1: But how do you know you can do it? Like

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Speaker 1: like if one family member is kind of hard to

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Speaker 1: reconnect with, or if somebody pushes it back, how do

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Speaker 1: you know that, Like this is hard, and you said

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Speaker 1: something earlier like this is like my lifelong mission. How

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Speaker 1: do you know you can do it?

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Speaker 2: Because I look at you know, I think God always

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Speaker 2: sets us up. You know, we always have a purpose

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Speaker 2: in life, and God always prepares us, whether we know

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Speaker 2: it or not.

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Speaker 3: God always prepares us.

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Speaker 2: My adopted mom, she always thought that I was going

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Speaker 2: to run to ministry, you know, because I knew the

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Speaker 2: word and I can just type to the word and stuff.

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Speaker 3: And I was like, Mom, not like that.

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Speaker 2: Because I don't turn the other cheek, I said, you know,

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Speaker 2: I told my mom, I said, look, there's two types

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Speaker 2: of people. There's people that pray. There's prayer warriors, and

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Speaker 2: then is bad. Go out there and fight and fight

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Speaker 2: the good fight. And that's me. I'm not going to

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Speaker 2: give up. I have that dog in me not to

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Speaker 2: give up. I have that fight to say, even with

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Speaker 2: a difficult family member. At this point in time, I'm

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Speaker 2: in that place. I'm preparing to be in that place

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Speaker 2: where I have that time to sit back and say, hey.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to work on you, cause I.

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Speaker 2: Understand, like what Elijah says, we were all separated. But

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Speaker 2: now I'm trying to ground myself where I don't have

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Speaker 2: that distraction of well, I have to get up and

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Speaker 2: go to work. Most my kids are all grown, you know.

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Speaker 2: I'm just trying to be the great grandpa.

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Speaker 3: Now. God is preparing me for that next.

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Speaker 2: And then on top of that, with all the experience

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Speaker 2: of me going through military, dealing with individuals, leading individuals,

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Speaker 2: and trying to get individuals like, hey, we have a

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Speaker 2: mission to accomplish. Whatever your mentality was, whatever happened. It

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Speaker 2: was always trying to be there for my sailors or

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Speaker 2: soldiers and like, hey, we got to accomplish this mission.

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Speaker 2: I know your head may be somewhere else because of

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Speaker 2: maybe personal gains, but less dial it down. Let's deal

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Speaker 2: with this and then deal with to other issues later.

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Speaker 2: So with that experience, I'm trying to bring that into

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Speaker 2: being that leader.

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Speaker 3: In the family to bring us together.

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Speaker 2: I understand it's gonna be harder, yeah, And I understand

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Speaker 2: it's not going to be I'm just trying to make

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Speaker 2: the groundwork because even if there's an individual in my

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Speaker 2: family that doesn't get it, at least I have that time.

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Speaker 2: I'm still in my young fifties, so at least I

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Speaker 2: have my time to try to like nudge on that,

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Speaker 2: to work on it months and years. And I'm also patient.

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Speaker 2: I have the patience to keep working on individuals because

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Speaker 2: I understand some individuals may get it faster than others.

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Speaker 2: In the family, and I can also use those family

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Speaker 2: members to say, hey, we still need to get this person,

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Speaker 2: and we need to focus on this person just not me,

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Speaker 2: but also direct delegate.

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Speaker 1: Right, And how do you imagine like a reconnected family

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Speaker 1: would look like connected families have routines like we get

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Speaker 1: together every Christmas, we get together every New Year's. A

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Speaker 1: friend of mine was telling me that his family has

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Speaker 1: a monthly book club as a family and get together

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Speaker 1: on zoom and go over like whatever book they're reading.

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Speaker 1: So like, in this future when the family is connected,

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Speaker 1: how do you imagine the family routines will.

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Speaker 3: Look because I know what families.

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Speaker 2: I know one of my sisters try to do game

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Speaker 2: night on my adopters side and get all the cousins.

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Speaker 2: I know she sent mere and invite and I was like,

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Speaker 2: I'm not gonna be able to make assist, but you know.

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Speaker 3: I'm there a spirit.

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Speaker 2: You know, Hey, y'all have fun, you know, drink poor,

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Speaker 2: drink out for me, whatever, flip some.

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Speaker 1: Cars from people who ain't here.

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Speaker 2: But you know, changes, you know, spectrum, you know, and

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Speaker 2: but to build certain things, to build certain things back

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Speaker 2: with family members, because there's some we all connect on

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Speaker 2: different levels.

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Speaker 3: You know, some family members may say hey, like you said, hey,

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Speaker 3: we all read books.

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Speaker 2: Some family play games, some family draws, and to get

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Speaker 2: through families to recognize which family members all can in

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Speaker 2: those ways and then bring together say hey, look, Elijah

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Speaker 2: likes to he likes to draw, or what's another family

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Speaker 2: member that likes to draw? Hey, you know, let's get

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Speaker 2: together and have that connection and then keep bringing it

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Speaker 2: back together. You know, just like we have family reunions,

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Speaker 2: but have many smaller kind of family reunions and get together.

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Speaker 1: How pleased would you be as a leader in the family,

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Speaker 1: guiding people touching Elijah's life if you reach this future

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Speaker 1: where it's like we have these routines, game nights, get togethers, Like,

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Speaker 1: how pleased would you be?

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Speaker 3: To me?

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Speaker 2: It would be like by earthly heaven, because it would

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Speaker 2: be something that if that was accomplished before I had

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Speaker 2: left or even got started right and go in the

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Speaker 2: right direction, it'll be like heaven. Because I remember a

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Speaker 2: pastor had a saying when I was at a certain church.

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Speaker 2: He used to end instrument by saying, there's only one

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Speaker 2: good thing going to heaven, and that is making someone

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Speaker 2: with you. Oh wow, and yeah, and I try to

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Speaker 2: apply that. Like when he said that, I was like, oh,

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Speaker 2: that's cool. So on my journey, it's always trying to

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Speaker 2: take people, you know, as they say, pat Riley took

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Speaker 2: more brothers to the Promised Land than any.

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Speaker 3: Other white guy.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I've heard that, but kind of.

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Speaker 2: Being the same, you know, being that mark where they

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Speaker 2: look back and say, hey, you know, whether it's you know, cousin, Chris, brother, Chris, dad, Chris, whatever,

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Speaker 2: you know, look what he started and then look what

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Speaker 2: we're we keep doing because this is important because it's

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Speaker 2: more easier to me to start something like that and

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Speaker 2: have the family realize how important family is to keep

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Speaker 2: it going than trying to build a business, because the

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Speaker 2: business can break family apart.

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Speaker 3: You know, money and family don't really mix all the time.

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Speaker 1: No, it's true. So I just have one more question.

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Speaker 1: When did this become really important to you? Like when

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Speaker 1: did you realize, you know what, I think, bringing the

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Speaker 1: family together is my purpose? When did that happen?

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Speaker 2: Kind of like from my last talk, and I remember

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Speaker 2: you said when you go home, we just enjoy what

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Speaker 2: it feels like for people you know around you that

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Speaker 2: I appreciate you being their lives. I was thinking about it,

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Speaker 2: and I was like, how much more can I give

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Speaker 2: to the family to make them really appreciate me and

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Speaker 2: appreciate each other. That's when it dawned on me, especially

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Speaker 2: with the way the United States is going. I was like,

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Speaker 2: you know, I forget this. I could be in another

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Speaker 2: country living great. Then that gives me time to work

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Speaker 2: on family members, work with myself.

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Speaker 3: I get you back to family.

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Speaker 1: Well, look, Chris, I am super excited to talk to

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Speaker 1: you in Elijah about this, but I have a challenge

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Speaker 1: for you. Okay, I want you to start working on this.

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Speaker 1: I don't want you to wait until next session. I

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Speaker 1: want you to like do something every day that feels

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Speaker 1: to you like leadership. Maybe send a text message to everybody,

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Speaker 1: start a group chat, start a who knows what. I

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Speaker 1: don't know, but I want you to like do something

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Speaker 1: every day. When you were in the military, you had

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Speaker 1: to do leadership things every single day. Now it's like

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Speaker 1: you're gonna take those skills in that mission to this.

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Speaker 1: I want you to do something every day that feels

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Speaker 1: to you like I'm now taking that leadership to this

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Speaker 1: family to bring us all back together. Now, some days

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Speaker 1: might be a huge thing, like you might take the

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Speaker 1: whole family to Disney World. And some days it might

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Speaker 1: be really small thing, like I'm just gonna shoot off

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Speaker 1: a couple of text messages. But I want you to

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Speaker 1: become that big mama now, you know. And it's funny

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Speaker 1: when you said that, I had like an emotional response

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Speaker 1: to you saying that because it made me think of

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Speaker 1: my grandmother, who was that person in my family. She

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Speaker 1: passed away several years ago, but she was big Mama.

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Speaker 1: She knew all the grand kids' birthdays, and she knew

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Speaker 1: our graduations, and like she was very much the center

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Speaker 1: of the family, not just bringing us all together physically,

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Speaker 1: but she was at that point of contact that brought

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Speaker 1: it all together. And when you said that, I was like,

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Speaker 1: holy cow, Like what would it do to this family

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Speaker 1: if Chris was that person sending the happy birthday text

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Speaker 1: and the congratulations text that you got a new job

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Speaker 1: or whatever. Like, I don't know that you realize the

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Speaker 1: impact I would have in the family. But I want

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Speaker 1: you to start doing these leadership things now. I want

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Speaker 1: you to be that masculine big mama.

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Speaker 3: Now without the you know, the whole makeup, right.

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Speaker 1: Yes, makeup, and the and the dress. We're gonna do it.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna do it Man style right right? That sound good? Yep, excellent.

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Speaker 1: As we wrap up, I want to pause on something important.

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Speaker 1: This session reminds us that reconnection doesn't usually start with

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Speaker 1: an agreement. It starts with commitment. Commitment to keep reaching

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Speaker 1: out even when responses are slow, Commitment to keep listening

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Speaker 1: even when understanding feels incomplete. Elijah and Chris didn't resolve

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Speaker 1: everything here, and that's okay. What they did was begin

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Speaker 1: something more sustainable, a pattern of communication built on patience

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Speaker 1: and consistency. We also saw how estrangement isn't always caused

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Speaker 1: by one big rupture. Sometimes it's the result of distance,

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Speaker 1: missed opportunities, or simply not knowing how to reach one another.

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Speaker 1: And rebuilding from that place takes intention and leadership. For Chris,

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Speaker 1: leadership doesn't mean control. It means responsibility. Responsibility for being

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Speaker 1: the one to communicate first, for modeling connection, and for

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Speaker 1: doing some thing, even something small, every single day. If

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Speaker 1: you're listening and you're navigating estrangement in your own family,

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Speaker 1: or struggling to communicate across distance, generations, or unresolved hurt,

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Speaker 1: I want to leave you with a few questions to

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Speaker 1: sit with. What does consistency look like for me? Not

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Speaker 1: ideally but realistically? Am I waiting for the perfect moment

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Speaker 1: to reconnect instead of creating a small one? Now? What's

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Speaker 1: one simple action I could take that signals I'm still here?

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Speaker 1: Am I trying to be understood first? Or am I

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Speaker 1: willing to understand first? If this relationship improves over time,

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Speaker 1: how would my life be different? And if they call,

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Speaker 1: will I answer? Connection doesn't usually return all at once.

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Speaker 1: It returns in pieces through repetition, reliability, and care. And

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Speaker 1: sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is decide

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Speaker 1: that the work is worth doing and then keep doing it.

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Speaker 1: We'll continue this conversation next time. I would love to

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Speaker 1: hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and

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00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,040
Speaker 1: your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with

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00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,600
Speaker 1: me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also

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Speaker 1: send me a text message to nine seven two four

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Speaker 1: two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a

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Speaker 1: production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Podcast Network. Special

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00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,640
Speaker 1: thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack

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Speaker 1: Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly s. Fisham for

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Speaker 1: more podcasts from the Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio app,

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Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The content

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Speaker 1: presented on the Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for educational

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Speaker 1: and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement

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Speaker 1: for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does not

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Speaker 1: constitute a provider patients relationship. It is advisable to consult

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Speaker 1: with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific

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Speaker 1: concerns or questions you may have.